Daniel Goleman, PhD is a two-time Pulitzer Prize-nominated author and science journalist. Daniel joins the Armchair Expert to discuss the differences between cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and empathic concern, and that emotional intelligence starts with being aware and able to name your feelings. Daniel explains the importance of cognitive control, that the same circuitry that helps you focus also calms you down, and the impact your emotional intelligence has on your health. Daniel discusses the flawed understanding of emotion vs logic, that the brain is designed to learn from life when it comes to emotional intelligence, and the science behind how your brain communicates emotions with another person.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome welcome of norms. Your expert experts on expert, I'm Dan Shepherd M joined by Monica Monsoon and that's a movie well there's just where interviewing Dan, another Dan, Daniel Goma, new, going Moon Europe's not unlike Daniel Shepherd that right now Your government is a phd in an author and signs journalists that role for the New York Times, reporting on the brain and behavioral sciences, where he was twice nominated for a Pulitzer prize. You also went the horrors deemed might unify now. Of course, everyone has heard the term emotional intelligence and Daniel is largely responsible for making that a popular organization ice, because he wrote the book emotional intelligence, drawing on grounds
can brain and behavioral research Gorman, shows the factors at work when people of high IQ flounder and knows of modest IQ disapprovingly. Well, these factors which include self awareness, self management and empathy, add up to a different way of being smart and they aren't fixed at birth. This was so fond of talk about because I'm fine, I'm really glad the e q is being. Finally like, recognises important, yes valued here, you have a high Why thank you? I mean you guess, that's my gas, so please enjoy Daniel Gorman he's alone Doktor Goldman will allow their high tax I size,
tardiness. I'm gonna play my children, there soon mean from home and they just crashed our space and it took me a minute to get rid of him. Do you have children? I agree and shoulder all my good governance ages from three do what twenty one? Why six of them, which is nice but they're? Not here? Ok, so we could speak the same language about the emotional wave of having children, which has been the most profound experience of my life. What is the experience grandchildren? Well? It turns out there's a latent grandparent gene that activates, when you first hold your first grandchild, managers flood you with Oxytocin Monica do have kids. I do the things they want to give. My parents grandma, so bad. You led the nice thing being your grandparents of this change sludgy with feel good hormones, and So you just love your kids
it helps along. Well, I used it. data, my wife, when the kids were screaming and crying be over their babies, mom gets oxytocin a lot longer than dad. I said you know this does sound differently to me, because I have as much as it does in his U Octopus and helps a lot of surprise. Figured out how to synthesize and use it as a drug. It's coming, I'm sure, I'm sure, but when you have the grand kids, I have a fantasy that goes like this. Oh my gosh, I'll hold them and I'll just be able to have all the love without the panic that I have to do this right because it's not my job well know the great advantage of grandchildren is when you hold them and love them, you feel really great may do. Then when they start doing something. That's your problem, you hand them back, irresponsibility denies know us,
the arrangement. I heard an interesting debate once betweens. Do you know SAM Harris's, I've, no him for years. I know well, he was debating, I wanted to say it was Paul loom. That makes the most sense to me, but maybe it wasn't Paul, but they were talking about empathy and they were talking about this biological predisposition to care most about your immediate family, and it was all right Someone was making the argument. What have you could extend that out to everybody on the other some are saying will now you have to prioritize who need your time and attention in your investment or the whole thing? Would collapse you're not found that kind of a telling argument will see him and I actually met in meditation context. All that makes sense and he's talking about loving kindness meditation. Were you teach your brain to extend love? You feel naturally for people
close to you beyond their circle to people who are just friends are strangers or people you bump into or everywhere everywhere and the Dalai Lama, who was also known for a long time, says you know the hardest part. Is that jump from people you'd love, naturally to people? Do you just now? That's the big challenge, yeah now? Can I just tell you anecdotally experience that we have had an something we do? It's not that meditation, but I was acting like a really do. herbal jerk one day at work to some people, and arnica said later what, if those people were armed cherries, meaning people that listen to the show who I value so greatly? it's insane and I was mortified to think that I would have been treating some arm cherries that way and that so we're gazettes is some mental. Construct. Ivo, there's really interesting. So do you have some mental line, people who were ok to treat as a jerk verses?
It's not ok, retreated pepper. I think we all have that. Will I think, intellectually, I know no one should be treated like a jerk and then quite often emotionally I am unable to get out of the reptilian brain per se. Oh yeah, it's nice to strive for, I think it's aspirational, but we should treat everybody like not a jerk Actually, that's not the way our brains are designed. We have yassum my rearrangement. Luckily that can happen, but have employed that trick really send on August said it I'll be behind someone in traffic and I'm growing more more agitated they're, not doing it. My way, my ways the only way, building. This whole story about other terrible person, all these things, and then I imagine there inside listening to this show and then I'm completely embarrassed and I'm humiliated, and then it becomes is way for me to know the waters too near. So you have empathy for the people that you like and other people. You don't bother.
while that all aid fence, probably true, that's hard to hear you Dax, it's all in all. I am I saying you about what you are accurate when used except me, ass. We have limits. All of us here, but you know there, three kinds of emphasis is really important to stand, and I know you ve heard this before believe me review it again, those kind of empathy. You know how people think you can be a really good communicator cause. You know the language that will make sense to them. This really important for podcast who, for example, when I was at the New York Times, is a journalist. This is astonishing. We vote for the eighth grade level of interest and here it surprising, isn't it but that's the level at which everybody gets grades. So that's kind of interest and then emotional empathy. You know how people feel. Does you, since it yourself
and those two are important and helpful, but they can be used to manipulate. The third kind of empathy is the most important one puts called technically empathic concern. You care about the other person in the first two. You can get them. You know. What's gonna move them, but you don't care So you want a Spanish. You want a pair you wanna teacher. You want a boss who wears that third kind of empathy yak, as it's been pointed out, that sociopath are often the most apathetic in the first two categories you listed where there quite good and knowing exactly what you'd like to hear and how to manipulate you. That's exactly right. That's the diagnosis, and so she passed is that they have none of the third kind. They don't care about you at all. How do you nurtured the third category like? How do you expand you exercise it. I think aspirations early in more
We would all hope to have a lot of the third category, which is not to say we do. I think click kids probably get it as modestly by having a parent or care takers, a family who really love- and air for them, and so it's part of their emotional repertoire and I'm a big advocate of teaching. All of these things in schools can social, emotional learning to big movement now yeah. My kids are deeply embroiled in a bigger charter. School antlers all days that are dedicated to these toddlers, like their curricula in there's an abbreviation for they always see ehler yeah, social, much learning the very lucky, because it's quite spotty, it's a big move globally. but it's idiosyncratic where it is so if your kids have it in school, that's great. The nice thing about it to use its designs, who doesn't take any time from academic learning, but it adds how
We can manage myself on my aware, my feelings and what they're doing to me, manage them well. Can I turn into the people of their feelings? Can I get along with them harmonise collaborate, these skills for life, We don't need people who are only good cognitive abilities suck at emotional intelligence because they are the judge. The world we are. Are you wanna be working with married to involve with people who have the full emotional repertoire of fighting is really important. Kids get this in school, particularly because of the decimation of the american family. I mean you're lucky your kids are lucky if there's a mom and dad and a home, more and more kids don't have that yeah, and so this is a way to kind of ensure the kids will get it right.
This window of opportunity neurologically into the MID twenty, exactly where the brow and emotional social circles with bring is taken shape. So I want to give what I believe to be an example and tell me if I'm wrong bone, a cool thing. I heard not too long ago as we hear of stuff nonstop guesswork parents of young, It is when two little kids are haven't it out on the playground about some situation and the parents go in or the teacher goes in and they intervene and they stop it and they say you know you got a share and you should do this unbundling by what you ve brought them all is the moment where they steal the toy. The other kids cries. They see that the kids cry they themselves internalize that they ve just hurt somebody and they go. Oh, that doesn't feel good.
Would you say that's part of this emotional learning, I would say that a lot of emotional learning is from other kids from working things out and from may be feeling bad that you made that kid cry my feeling, good that you're having fun playing with a kid. That's part of normal learning when parents intervene or teachers intervene and just direct kids of what to do than the kids news that learning opportunities a better intervention might be oh, how do you think you made Sammy three at least crime? Let us encourage the child's empathize to two men and let them more it out themselves. I gotta say, and I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I think monocle attested. This is well my kids come in like your crime, I'm embarrassed, I boa, and unlike oh my god, I'm so delighted to hear? You say that I couldn't sales embarrassed like forty years old.
I wrote, I do remember delved, but the youngest like accidently, hurtling again or something and lincoln- was crying really hard and dealt with just kind of standing there, and then I'm really embarrassed, I'm sorry and housing my God, what a beautiful thing to say right now is opposed on running away or mean losing version. The first part of the motion to judge is being able to name your feelings. Yeah. You know a lot of people actually or so out of touch for through feelings. I don't know what the feeling and the basis of this always self awareness, emotional self awareness, yeah. I want you to tell us about this, because I think we all very familiar with this term national intelligence, which you coined and wrote a book about twenty five years ago, were on the anniversary, and I dont know that people actually no all the mechanical volunteers, the model and by the way I didn't going to turn my friend Peter salivate. Who then was an assistant proof?
Sure at Yale wrote a little article called the most. Intelligence in a very obscure journal doesn't exist today I it's a journalist at the New York Times. Reading these obscure journals, my thought that is dynamite so counter intuitive putting a motion together with intelligence, but it means intelligent about emotions, maybe Peters. prisoner, yeah, I think there's a little bit of a knee jerk, sometimes with this topic, which is like? Oh, you just want to be so indulgent with all these kids. My feelings- I didn't you know, but I don't think that's what anyone's Housing right, I know that's a common air about emotional tones either commoners, it just means being nice projectiles Not everything can be very firm and what you feel what you want so therefore parts awareness knowing what you're feeling using that information to manager, disruptive emotions and martial you're, better emotions, positivity enthusiasm, knowing what other people,
feel embassy tuning into them and then using that all have effective relationships. So basically it means being a successful human being as vehemently and one of the most important parts of it. Dax is what you alluded to rights. please call kind of control. It means you're getting really pissed off at someone you really angry or you're. Getting really scared when this covert lockdown, it's easy for people to exaggerate risk into freed themselves. Up and kind of control means you know that you're getting out of control and instead of doing something. Unhealthful like poke I'm going to have a lot to drink, for example, is a basis of alcoholism, for a lot of people is self medication or drug use or yelling. At someone I'm goin to manage my feel kind of control and kind of control,
from neuroscience point of view is very simple: it means that a strip of circuitry in the left, prefrontal cortex, just behind the forehead is able to manage your emotional centres, so they don't take over your thinking, brain and make you do something you can. I really regret later yeah, I think about what did you say, readers digest version, the brain. As you know, it developed in stages as we evolved in the centre of your brain. Is the reptilian part, so it's very instincts. Fuel to react and then your impulse control all these things are kind of mid brains and then the last thing to develop as this prefrontal cortex and it is in charge of forecasting into the future. In monitoring who do I really want to be all those kind of elevated? I guess we have seen in information making good decisions at all prefrontal? It's the brains, executive centre, so the good boss of the brain, the boy the boss of the brain is the emotional centres in the mid brain. Actually, you could call it reptilian and it has all of our emotions.
So once by the way you don't want to get rid of those, but the ones that really screwed up the angrily. The anxiety that comes from the mid brain, particularly its structure, called the amygdala Does the brains radar for threat? The middle is always asking right now, am I safe and if it thinks it's not, the brain is designed so that the amendment can take over the prefrontal cortex, and that is bad. It was good news by the way, an early evolution, early pre history helped us survive and the Savanna in the jungle, wherever you have to do something very quickly. If you hear that rustling the bushes, if you're going to survive and passed,
your genes and structure, the brain on us, which happened, presumably and but today its facing symbolic challenge, symbolic threats that guy's not treating me and you can overreacted disguise pissing me off so much, I'm gonna slug. That's the way the mental thanks for a child like so when the brain develops like you yes you're right now going to a five to seven shift. What are the rages? Six and seven about extension? Yes, oh there's a real difference in every teacher noses between kindergartners you have to can a lot of energy getting them distant, focus and pay attention and through greater support groups, because the prefrontal areas are growing. Every parent sees the external signs of a child becoming more mature, but what you're seeing is the outer face of what's going on in that kid's brain, which is growth and development and every parent, and hopefully every teacher
we'll help kids get it right in the first place, for example, I was in a school in Spanish, Harlem, very poor section of Manhattan, the kids, their mostly came from a housing project next at school, very traumatized being child The teacher told me that she came in upset easily what's wrong. She said I just saw someone who was shot. He asked her class. People have you, no somebody's been shot every hand went up. I thought near this could be really chaotic classroom. There very quiet, very focused and the teacher said here's why, every day they do something they call belly bodies they get their favorite, stuffed animals. They lie down on the floor. They put on the belly, they watch a rise in birth, fall on the outcome. rise and in Britain, an era when they get distracted there, my wanders, they noticed one, they bring it back to the breath to the mantra,
Well, it's kind is very similar to that article it. But you know it's basically mind training. It's like when you go to the gym and you lift await with every reptile muscle, gets out much more every time you bring your mind back, like those kids, you doing, it makes the neural circuitry for focus that much stronger and here's the two for the same circuitry that helps you focus and pay attention. Can't you do. Mary is distractions for anyone our emotions. What that guy said Why didn't she answer? My you'd all of those kinds of thoughts or emotional distracted, and they take our focus away from what it is. We have to do right now. If you help children strengthen the circuitry early on that It's a gift of giving them for the rest of them like a wild. When you were saying that a reminded me of this thing I read, which was if kids are having a really emotional tantrum, tantrum that if you put it,
on a swing in you swing them the party, your brain required equalizer equilibrium requires so much I guess that it actually will do that at a little interrupt that circuit most interesting I never than when. Well till you're different one. Every time you have an emotion, you know you're getting out of hand, and you can tell yourself I'm getting angry. You just shifted the energy from your emotional centre your verbal cortex and it starts to change. We have to be negative emotion, so naming and emotions very powerful control mechanism to and the principles. The same was you're just saying you shifting the energy from the part that secretary of the brain which is manifesting emotion to some other part of the brain. A distraction strategy, my wife and I, when we would have an argument, did matter what was superb.
We about. It was actually the same argument that this deeper level, because she wrote a book about this I have to recommend is called emotional alchemy. Then she talks about ten of the most common patterns like unloved ability, feeling that you know we're gonna, have someone tune in to new? Nobody cares fear of being abandoned things like that, These were primal patterns the beginning triggered, and you know the way habit, gets form you have a trigger. You go through the same sequence, like whatever happened to you that you are now recognise and then there's some kind of reward. The reward is that you don't have to face the deeper feeling, like total, like I'm, wiped out, because someone a ban, I'm held ass. If I'm alone, you dont, have to feel, and so you might cling,
or you might preemptively abandon she writes about so I clang and now what has reciprocated I abandon there. You go basically, what's going on is underlined, fear of abandonment and at the core of their fear, is a very deep terror actually that you don't want to feel so anyway, and once she recognized in Ireland Then we too have a fight and then with separate and then we think about it. We come back and say you know what I was a kid. We will identify the choice at its source to each other at all was suddenly a great affection for each other. Is this like wounded other kid, but it's because we could see the pattern. So if you want to change a habit like tat, you have to become familiar with the pad and you have to know what the triggers are
she can recognise it as its happening and then change what you do and get it better reward. Man you're so right to the empathy part. So would I think, when couples gettin a fight to speak for myself, sometimes I'm on my way, can I get in a fight, she's, fighting her mother and I'm fighting my dad right, but we're both taking it so personal and then to your point with the times I can recognize, like oh yeah, when she was vulnerable, this person exploited. That's why I'm not gonna do that, but boy. I feel so bad that that's why this is the reaction that this poor person had their vulnerability exploited in through that I can find compassion like you're saying, but this go back to Hell. It began. Usually, what happens is that you or she just something the triggers the primal pattern in you and when your triggered a trigger something in her,
it's a primal pattern, so basically is to a migdol as having simultaneous hijacks any it, never settle things. Well, when you're having a big to hijack, I have a friend John God I love him. We know John, you talking. John John. Has the love lab at university shell in no. He advised as a couple separate for about twenty minutes of the remit of the can calmed down and then come back in time. Dover? That makes sense? I was going to bring that up. Actually, when you talk about the different areas of your brain, is I remember, reading this book on killing and it talked about in World war, one in the trench warfare, something like forty percent of the guys that have been killed. They didn't fire their weapon and they're like what what happen. I wouldn't they have shot at. Some was running that you'd, that it seems like common sense, and then they come to find out what once your heart rate gets. Above a certain level, you're actually can't use your frontal lobe bright. The survival
instinct. Your heart rate is an external monitor of what's happening with your middle having a migdol hijackers. Your heart rate increases this really high. She can't think very well to despair The easy to drop a bomb on a village from a plain border use a drone to kill people. Because you're not anywhere near the person when you're in as warfare or hand to hand combat its much harder to kill the other person cause. It's a purse, yeah yeah, what and they are also seen as we ve stupidly- broken down. What we think our responses is to fight or fly. It was a binary option when they really study the animal kingdom. What you realises that, like ninety five percent of conflict, actually resolve with posture submit so really the bare goes up on its hind eggs generally, the other bear looks now they don't always fight or run then. So we do that too. So they heard that charging person as a posture of loud bang. Ok
Give up I'm gonna look down. I surrender and so they hadn't even thought about that and then so all the train. for world war. Two and then Vietnam was train these guys out of letting their heart rig it that high and then making their instinct to be to fire and not submit, which is. Why You know the military has really gone into the study of this physiology in an apply. Well share with you and your listeners away to a board and middle hijack he's my need it so bad, real, so purposes I think I understand has been used by Navy seals when the going into an operation. Some is very simple: you take a very deep breaths, your belly expands, you hold it as long as is comfortable and then new exhale, very slowly, and you do that like six to nine times
and the research shows that your physiology shift from that fight or flight response. You're talking about two of recovery relaxation is bought technically sympathetic, nervous system, parasympathetic added something in doing this, but I've been teaching this too frontline medical people. These days, you're really stressed out yeah and you know other things you can do that will help you been triggered less often or if you are a trigger less intensely or recover more quickly. Commissioner resilience is how long it takes you to recover. The quicker recover, the better you resilience cause you can't determine when you're gonna be trick,
can take some control so that exercise a breath, focus that the kids were doing. If you do, that is an adult. You want just watch your breath every breath in birth and helpers and saw that actually changes your physiology and your brain circuitry, so that you handle situations better seems to easing I now but you're right, you're right. I think that's why people don't do it cause they're like AL, but their works. Well, the thing is this: Monica there's a deuce response relationship. So the more you do it the better benefit. It's like exercise. You have to make it a priority, it's very easy not to do it. I'm, like industrial strength, meditated This book altered traits about the research I meditation and now I'm up. total believer because I see it actually pays, and
basically, the mind, training with a breath is that kind of exercise its shifting, your brain circuitry, and that takes time just like building muscles textile ass, something ok! Now, when you wrote emotional, entail Since I think people traditionally thought an indicator of success? How are you in a measure that educational achievement, financial, whatever that I q, would be a predictor of that sure? And that's not? faces. It gets a little counter intuitive. When you're in school, I Q is predicted. The kids get the best grades tend to have the higher occur. When you get in life, then there's a funny thing that happens there so much the floor effect. Let's say you're gonna be an mba or get a masters and simply to accomplish their
didn't? I tell you about a standard deviation above the norm hundred fourteen hundred fifteen, but everybody else has that high and I q so then, for example, an engineer engineers, get hired and now they're working other engineers are the same background there? I q is not an advantage, the tell they handle themselves and how we handle the relationships that makes them an outstanding performer, and that is something we never talk school, but everybody knows it from life. I got around the world asking people all over to me, but the worst boss you ever had in the best possible over her The best boss invariably defines emotional intelligence and the worst boss is some kind of jerk or a pardon me on your pike, ass, an asshole sharing, you can say assholes much as you'd like. Ok, thank you for your free of the FCC.
The whole supply will strike the money that we can play dry anyway. So, basically, to your point, I think that success in school has a lot to do with IQ and after school. It doesn't have that much. Did you write it? There's a study from reminded of engineers get this. They re each other who's, the most effective engineer- and it too, There was zero correlation with IQ, very high correlation with emotion, intelligence, labour, the team leaders. They were the people who are very persuasive. The people who tuned in got along with everyone and who manage themselves will y gotta they anecdotally. I have several different friendship circles, but within that friendship, circle, there's no correlation between book, smarts or Are you sure our spatial relation ability and their achievement? In fact? More often, and now it's the opposite of that its people, let me know,
be around that did they enjoy interacting with their get hired over and over again, you know three wisest when I went to my twentieth. High school union- and I said the most successful kid my class, I grew up in the central value, California, farm to so this If I school reunion the kid who was most successful twenty years, I was not the vows Torreon, not kid who had great test scores is someone who is really enjoy being with great human being. that's the story of our lives. You want to be friends with people who tuning. Do you care about you who get along with that's emotional intelligence, not iq. Stay to future, because if you dare, we are supported by key. We co hands down my favorite toy that exists for Joe
we love key. We call for the kiddos yeah because it's not just a toy there given they play with and, moreover, in five seconds it something that we build the mayor of the price of having built their interests in it just last so much longer, cubicle believes in the power of kids and that small lessons today can mean big world changing ideas tomorrow. So they want to kick start curiosity creation and innovation and kids right here right now with a key we co subscription, your child gets a new grateful of fun science and art projects every month for trailblazing toddlers. Two more experience explores and every stage in between I love them because they can follow the directions himself. So you're there to help when there's an issue but more you're, just witnessing them, learn and figure it out. It's so rewarding. For the kid an for me, when I'm watching your kids get cubicle, they may discover the science behind hydraulics building a walking role.
double of hers and see how high they can make a rocket fly. There's no telling! What can we go? Kid can do kick start. Curiosity creation and innovation in kids today and discover a brighter tomorrow, get thirty percent off your first month, plus free shipping on any create line with code Dax at key co dot com- that's thirty percent! Off your first month at K, I w I c o d, come promo code Dax. We are supported by Door DAS. We were just in why that's right, there's two food options: yes in the whole area and then for kicks out like a pop on door, dash and see what's available, and what did you find? Well, the sky was the limit. What we ended up getting was virtually everything the Cheesecake factory settings
but we got so much food of a soda ledge. It was so dullish so door. They actually really save the day. Now, if you want Chinese and they want pizza, someone's craving fro YO, there's something for everyone on board ash continue supporting records in your community safely. There are thousands of restaurants open for delivery under dash that need your patronage. Now, more than ever it so easy, just open up the door dash appy choose what you want to eat in your food will be safely left outside your door with new contactless delivery drop off settings, but over three thousand partners. In: U S, border Eco, Canada and Australia. You can support your local go two's or choose from your favorite national treasures like to put late Wendy's, ending the cheesecake factor
for a limited time. Armchairs can get twenty five percent off and zero delivery fees on their first order of fifteen dollars or more when they download the door dash app and inner code armchair. That's twenty five percent of up to ten dollar value in zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the door dash app and the app store in inner code armchair, don't worry it! That's arm chair for twenty five percent of your first order with door dash subject, change terms apply and I ve been. urging thing about focusing on emotional intelligence is it is flexible. It's not you're born with an iq. Now you can make an argument. There's obviously been shown that, whether you're in dirty diapers or not, is going to have an impact, but at a certain point your iq is pretty locked in. I don't know what age It is if we would say ten or something
but your emotional. I I imagine, has a lot more room to to expanse of your hearing this in your going I'd like to succeed in life, our doesn't have to be IQ. Emotional. Al Jazeera, is relevant. I can explain that right will listen The nice thing about emotion, intelligence, IQ essentially, is a metric for how quickly your brain acquires new information. It doesn't change much through life. Actually, emotional intelligence. The good news is its learned and learn about. So she got it right. The first say s yeah, you got it in school, your family, what gave it a rate, but you know it's like going to the doktor user profile of strengths and weaknesses in across self awareness, self management, empathy and how you get along with other people in your relationships and I've subdivided that I have then called the emotional social competence inventory, but no you well rate. You are obviously Creators are there and then you get it fed back, hopefully in a
hey, it's news to use fire all my suitcase do you would advocate that you hand out this questionnaire to people, where are your life or how would you do know? It's used in business is really for leadership, development particular guy, but I think we can all benefit from this. Anybody could but when you can just asking friends someone you trust or what do you think of my strange? What could I get better, You know it s like three people and see if they converge so self awareness. I think we all have an idea of what that is, but how does one evaluate whether there really self aware not what kind of questions could they ass? Well, the easiest index that is Now you see yourself forces how whether people see you. Robert Burns said, though, that the guides the gift gears to see ourselves as others see us, I wish we could run gear, spreading goody saying is that this is a real anew.
visual information to get its kind of precious really to get someone to be candid with you why What am I really good at one I'm here not so good at and then to compare that with how you see yourself, the bigger the gap that more work you can do in self awareness, I've been saying self management, you can do a rough index because it's on the one hand, damping down or not being taken over for so long by your disturbing feelings, my anger and my fear, or whatever self, doubt marshalling enthusiasm, passion toward your goals or sting positive. When things turn bad, can you do that? That's part of self management, then empathy. There is little tricky because people may think the really good at empathy. The people around them may not agree at way. One ass, someone else, yeah yeah, I imagine it be a hard,
tell somebody that they are lacking in one of these. You know I feel like if someone asked me I'd, be very nervous and tell them the truth. yes, I know it depends on the strength in the kind of your relationship. If you trust each other, and you can be candid with each other, then you can have this conversation yeah. You look at your friendship network and I think all who are really the people. I can't be honest and neurons: that's a smaller subset, always yeah. Now, what kind of em back? Does your emotional intelligence have on your health, her. So there's a very strong correlation because of the relationship between your emotional state in your house. If you're very positive, it's good your immune system, your cardio vascular system, the body likes positive emotions and if you stressed out
Then all of that suffers so being able to manage stress which basically comes down to how'd you handled uriens. Irony is really important for your health and that's been shown him zillion ways now very strong. I should have people who get angry easily from childhood on are more likely to die or be aha it's been found with all kinds of emotions, so you said your twelve years and a so one of the classics. There is people use a substance alcohol to manage their emotions instead of five. The way to do it without that substance, which is what it is all about, it's brilliant the I need them and I do think everything so binary in the way people think. But I think people can identify what our colleague's doing we're trying to regulate our emotions with this pill, this drink this powder, and yet they missed.
The fact that there are regulating it through relationships through food- many of us are attempting to regulate our emotional state with something external I would say that the more you can do it internally, the better, but if you have a spouse, it turns out that each of you is a biological part of the other system, wonder Great sadness, as sources of green from the spouse dies. Is that you lose that capacity, my wife and I hug each other every morning feels great. That's part of my managing my own internal state, then probably the same for her,
and this is a hundred ways in which a romantic partner or life partner does this for each other, so part of the sand losing some of my daddy a divorce. The saying is that you have to be calibrate in a deep. Why are you handle yourself yeah both? Did you re blink by chance that Malcolm Gladwell book yeah? Well, the thing I like them? There was. I also think we have. This kind of understanding of emotions, verses logic, and it's always been pitched to us in this kind of again binary way were there opposition to one another or that logic is the thing to listen to but met our life go. Women are emotion, ass, nice ass. It tends to be the party line the out, but the I really liked, as he cites a study where they asked major league matters, how they decide whether not they're gonna hit a pitch.
And they all have an explanation and it's a cognitive explanation. Why do I look their shoulder and when it drops above what will then they figure out how long before the ball is wound up to when they have to the decision and what they were immediately realises. They know how long it takes for all those things to happen in the brain, and so that can't be happening, so they couldn't possibly be noticing that than thinking about that than doing. and then they hook up their brains to like a mini mri or something, and they want then take swings in its just the emotional core of their brain fires. Every time there is no proof on stuff going up in, you realize o the best batter are making a decision of what ball to hit based on an emotion yeah.
probably the beige ganglia involves o the base of ganglia, more primitive part of the brain and emotional centres beneath it had just above the spinal cord, and our habits are housed in the basic game, and so someone who's. The professional level in baseball has swung that that hundreds of thousands, the times and the beige ganglia learn a lesson each time. When I did that. Why swung that way, I hit the ball, wanted it that way. I missed basically what Malcolm sayings primitive parts, the brain, pre verbal. That is that act. For we can think in words are making decision that I'm going to swing from that ball or not because of your lifetime of experience and so much What we do is automatic automata. Is this? Why so fascinating?
Can you either alleviate or tell me I'm on the right path to be panicking? I feel like with the increase communication between younger people there myself too, happening via social media happening injury, a text happening you know almost never even a voice call any more. What impact is that? Having on this generations, emotional and agents were waiting to see, but I I'm a little nervous about it, because I think that people are being distilled kids. Who are sitting at home and going to school on line, aren't having a chance to hang out with other kids within the brain is designed to learn from life when it comes to emotional intelligence, so not being able to be with your friends means you're missing some lessons and I don't care how old you're a two year old is one such lessons. Five year old, other ten year old, another fifteen year olds, another but they're all from face to face.
your action, that's what we're designed for and the brain picks up. The richest signals face to face in life. There's a diminution for example on zoom. You can't have I contact because you either look at the face or you look at the camera. You can do both the cap. should be in the middle young yeah. It should be raised and over your face, whenever, wherever the faces, you should be able to play, set I want a great. Yet that's reinventing the hardware you're fucked up, but in a good way, but anyway, so there's a diminution. So the brain doesn't get the signals. It would pick up in real life if you're. Next, to someone like at a meeting or at dinner and use sense, what that person is feeling because the social networks, the brain which we didn't talk about the prefrontal and there are designed to make him instantaneous unconscious brain to brain link, but
ass. His emotional messages back and forth. and also synchronizes your movements and all that. So you have a good report that happens when you're in person. It doesn't happen as well on line, but seeing a picture is better than a phone call, but a phone isn't bad, because the voice carries a lot of emotional information. The worst is taxed along the texan someone were emailing. The reason is this particular issue, having a middle hijack. The only worked up in your little pissed off this prison furiously type, a message and you ve hit sin. That's the amount
as my favorite time to write an email so inspired and will you know I always make me, never send an email when you'd been drinking a lot, not across the EU but late at night? Don't do it wait till the next morning, because the green thinks all of the emotional new ones goes with the message, but it doesn't justice the words that opens the door, lots of misunderstanding, its base We called flaming. It has been a problem on the internet since it began. Will you tell me this science behind how your brain is communicating emotions with another person? Is it vision, all it my detecting, like visual cues from your face, is everything so facial expression, but I do know the work appall Ekman. He came up with them. At the regime's muscle movement. As I recall, it was backwards first, they just set out to document all the different ways the muscles could move and then they realised just
doing the movements it actually reverse engineering gave them the emotions that it works both ways yeah I did, but first he had then, one year in a meal Learning control the more than two hundred and forty facial muscles voluntarily, a subset of which twelve result usually can't be controlled, but he learned to do it and then he put them together. And it's it's a brilliant system, but it it's all the same. You pick up a motion from facial expression to a large extent and also from tone of voice from body movements. Are you do it in dozens of ways? And you do it automatically when Europe with the person you dont, think about? In fact, if you thought about it, probably get away, you pick it up unconscious, you said something I'm wondering if it's the same thing, so I regularly notice any time I'm eating at a restaurant in a booth with another person. I start becoming aware of the fact that we marry
others. I put my hand on my Shannon and then I noticed they have it or maybe they did it now. I did it and then they lean back crosses like her. You get in this dance of our each other and you don't even know you're doing it. Is that part of it their three ingredients to report. The first is full drew attention so when you're with that person you're paying attention to each of the second happened spontaneously sweat you talked about. If you made a video of two people were really some particle interacting and you turned off the sound and just one. The bodies, it's like the choreographed, putting your hand
your chin and then the other person doesn't. That is part of the dance and a third thing is by the way it feels good, and that is a natural byproduct of report, but interactions. You have been a day that make it a good day of the times you have for poor with people. You have a good interaction and they say to the face to face. Interaction actually gives you. The oxytocin is well right, like you get something Bio chemically out of at that you can't get over text the can't get it from text you might get from soon. If you have really warm, conversely, might get it from a phone call. Yeah you get it from a mutual works, the centrally warm heartedness. I'm offer warm heart. I can feel your warm heart by the way from the second, you said: hi Youfube really you've perfected that it's really funny bring up the face thing cuz. Just this morning my daughter came into my room really early. I was up too early and then so she got up and then she came and she's making all these faces, and I love when she does that
I'm telling her like. Oh, my god, when I was your age is all I did. I looked in front of mirror made ugly faces. Try to make myself embarrassed that laugh. It was his whole thing and she goes yeah. Our faces so many ways- and I said yeah because we didn't know ways have this great language to communicate solely. We know how to communicate with just this thing. This is how we have communicated always wonderful to explain that to her yeah. That was just this morning, like literally I don't know ten hours ago, and while I was doing was hoping that was correct. I don't know if you've ever had this with your kids, like your explain, something very pretty sure you ve got it, but then there is some parties like. I hope I have this right. You know the great realization and early adolescence is it. Your parents were always right, while at least our parents had the luxury of we couldn't find.
On Google Factory, it would take any one of these kids do seconds to realise. We don't really understand why this guy's blew his right now, we're toast, position and new another raw rift. Google first here I was gonna, go back to this other thing about. How do you know what your emotional intelligence is? What asking people I'd recommend Primmer key step, media dot, com, ok cause. It describes each of the elements of emotion, tensions in detail so you can reflect on it yourself and then you can ask people how my at stained positive. When things go bad, you can really dig down to each of the aspects. If you want to do it key step, media dot, com,
Do that, because I think I over estimate my emotional intelligence all the time. I think our us made everything about my intelligence, so it would be nice to find how a couple of things one is the called dueling blocks of emotional intelligence. It's a primmer on each of the twelve subsets. The other is that remember Dax. Everybody has approved file of strength and limitations in my mother tongue. before main ones and then particular abilities within each, and you can be really good at say, empathy, but not so good at emotional self control were really good at stained positive or keeping your eye in your goal, but not so good at working out differences. Conflict manage. It depends it's like going to a doctor getting a physical. Well, you know how are your lipids, what you're, cholesterol, good cluster bombs
on and on and on so look at each part and people who coach this and Laura conscious. Do this. In fact, the one set of abilities that executives a coach for the most emotion intelligent, because it's kinda leadership and coaches will help. Somebody identifies something that they're not that good at but think they could benefit from getting better Then that's a good attitude. It's not necessarily your worst thing that may be hard for you to change, but something that could be better and that will help you a lot. If you get better I think for anyone listening like the notion that it would impact your success professionally. We would impact your success in relationships. It will impact your health. I can imagine that that doesn't now encompass. Everybody has at least one of those three goals that it would be. Worth investing in your emotional intelligence. You would think so. Rationally
how many people know what good nutrition is and how poppies and workers are. You know This interesting. When I talk to people about how to improve your emotional intelligence, I see the first thing you need. Do is ask yourself this question. Do I really care? Oh yeah, because if you cure forget about it. You need to be motivated. I couldn't agree more agree, more unalienable, more aid thing where there's a point where you ve identified your character, defects and then you kind of ask a higher power to help relieve you of these defects of character and throughout the years when I've done that prayer. I find that honest, I say you know, I'm no initiative, only the good, the bad I pretty take away. Everything will be perfect. Character stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellow humans and I go don't breathe
Take away my pervious icon. Allow I wanna keep that I'm not getting a lot of joy like I'm, not fully honest about it's one thing to know my cared to defects, but there are certain ones. I certainly am not ready to have taken away from me right right if her more attached to some sort of fiscal authorities, there's a guy the way a guy named David Smith and pay only a colorado who was really put together, the twelve steps with emotional intelligence sinfulness in a good way, I recommend is stuff, although it already asked, just the other day because I feel like intelligent, really support the twelve step approach and I also would say then, when you get to a higher power, I really think meditation can help a lot to yeah, I'm an atheist, which is a big hurdle with the twelve steps.
Why is it a hurdle? I've found many workarounds, but I'm just saying that twelve steps of aid- they say God more than once. Let's just say that was very interesting, so there are meditation approaches. It don't have anything to do with gone yeah. It's mine essentially- and it also is opening yourself to a larger awareness, which is what you want to do. I would like you to make a case for meditation. So years ago I got trained in TM, my wife, and I did it twice a day. We ve never been happier than we had kids, it's all fucked up, we ve not meditated in years, and I can't wait to the day. I go back to it, but I do think for a lot of people. The thought of it is intimidating. They don't think they could do it, and I love for you to tell us is someone who is written in it. Their book about it, why everyone can do it and how they could maybe start anybody can do it. So I started with TM also to good starter meditation. Then I went
the two were much called insight meditation like mindfulness as of right it inside, but now I am not interested in tibetan teachers, because I was very impressed by the quality of day the ones who are really adapt, because they were very do talk about warm hearted. I spent two years living indian checking out large if things awhile yeah, and I found that, like the dollar, that's what I'd like to be when I grow up because of his personal qualities. The word for dollar alarm in Tibetan is not alarm. Aids condemned it means presence when you're in his presence. You feel a lot of wonderful things, including you are more loving to other people really interesting. That's like a contact hide question is, can you come
where did himself? That's what meditation us some meditation. Basically, as I said before, just mind: training it's like. If you can go to the german speaking prioritize physical fitness, you can prioritize mental fitness, that's what it is, but you have to it time forward and you dont have to believe in God or a higher power deity. It's all what you can do for yourself its internal. I think it does open you to a greater good to greater awareness, which I think is very concordant with what you're saying that step in air now- and I know, there's a lot of god- talk around there, but God is cold. They say that guides languages, silence its language and meditation. Can you get into a space of deep silence, I've just being with yourself in a deep? Well, here's a big one. Can you let go of your thoughts, a lot of people whose
meditation complain that my mind is nuts? I never had so many thought. Actually that's a good sign that a bad sign. It means your actually paying attention to the mines dream which is like that. We just don't notice, we get carried but we don't look at yourself right. It's not that this meditated state has introduced the racket in their riches, your pain, tension to it. For the first time, you from time your eyes open up that they close at night yeah. What did you but a bed in the morning some thought or other propels. You had a bit of cognitive sorts time together do something about meditation. Is it changes your relationship to your mind? you can be more like an observer, and you can see what your comes, that your comes that Chile, that anger that I got trigger you consent more clearly that gives you more internal degrees of freedom. We can decide. Am I going
Oh, that I'm not gonna. Let it go. Usually we just go with it because we don't see it at a distance. We just think of this is our reality and it must be thought of right now because its urgent things, but one of the greatest insight of cargo therapy is you dont have to believe your thoughts? That's major! Oh my god. My thoughts, of course a great often, but some of them really suck those are the ones you dont want to believe Those are the ones who get triggered like when you get in an argument with your wife and she gets argument you it's because of those thoughts, the ones you don't really want to believe that you do believe. Could you so convinced, year higher hearse that pattered so many times it's hard to differentiate, which ones are worth keep in which authors are not, sometimes it helps to work with, and so my wife integrated mines with cognitive therapy
mindful of its method, of changing your relationship to your thoughts and feelings too an internal degree of freedom. You can have a choice point you didn't have before, then you can look at the thought. Some thought you perfectly fine. Most thoughts are probably perfectly some thoughts, always get you in trouble and their very powerful thoughts. Very out of going away back to social, emotional learning has a lot of Alice. Prayers have kids, and I wonder if you have like one example. Besides the belly button is, which I love her kids to like practice like a tool that kids can. He is always one five observers on these glasses. One of the things I want, I think second, creators of first is the comment classroom. Then they say how they she'll and why they feel it either you don't After all, if you don't want to share their can keep it herself, but that helps develop self awareness or choose one. I like her
Second, greater: let's imagine that someone stole your pencil per head, your pencil. How could you get your pencil back? What would make it better? What would make it worse and the kids brainstorm at the teacher, so what they're doing is learning conflict management or fourth grade fifth grade? I have a part to play and I'm too shy of stage fright. What can you do to manage? What would make it better what would make it worse or twelve year olds. Why? Your friends want me to try drugs and I don't want to, but I want to keep my friends. How can I do it and they work? and you can see why kids love this, because it helps them with the melodramas there lie. Is it a certain age care less about their family than they do about their shreds by the end of elementary school, basically and that means that anything that helps them get along better with friends and that's what I feel this is gonna, be something like love is one. I like it's the start
member I mentioned kind of control began. Your your impulses, stoplight is a poster and every classroom in Sir Bread light when you feel you're upset, stop calm down and think before you act as the red light, yellow light. Think of a range of boys you could respond and what the outcome would be green light pick the best one and try it out I visited these schools, inner city and New Haven where they were doing this stoplight. They do a lot of it ass. He approached and I asked kids around eleven and twelve- I took them one by one to this programme, make any difference. In your lives and they all had stories one can says yeah. I was in a store, my friend was stealing staff and wanted me to steal stuff, and then I thought about the stoplight and I walked out of the store why it really helps kids with the challenges and dilemmas and predicted.
of their minds, and it gives them skills that will last forever and I feel like it my generation, we didn't have it didn't exist. I wish we had the hour You have to do remedial work if you're older than he had here I'll think, there's somebody layers too, with conventional gender roles in what males were allowed to feel and what little are expected to feel like. I look forward to the day that all unravels as someone who is felt in prison by those expectations at times, but you know parents, because the culture, I think, have a big role in that in that parents tend to talk to girls about feelings in relations and two boys about things erector set whatever the end. So let's start there and is a very deep cultural pattern least in our culture. So it's gonna take a lot of undoing to Josh we're both play.
Forbear. Just now it's right, may I ask as a report that is there anything in twenty four? fears at an age. Well, Missouri are that you're, like oh new science, came out or boom that I didn't have the right. Luckily, nothing. I know about that's, and I do make it my job to know about it. I'm just doing an article four, the Harvard Business Review, for example on making the case Motion intelligence makes good leaders, but it also makes very effective organisations it. This is kind of a new frontier, theirs alone data for that. So far, the mob A holds up, that's impressive, I graduated college, in two thousand and eight I regularly spouting off stuff. I learned Anthropology that has since after one eighty, that's not how they first came to Amerika. I mean it's crazy, I'm zone around one hundred and twenty one,
area, especially in anthropology, stood out. So I applaud any book that still reopen twenty five years later. yeah. I think we all! Oh you, whether or not you invented that phrase. You certainly popularized it and it became something that people could express it the value, and that is something that it should be explored and promoted, and I think that so wonderful I am very grateful for your work is very kind of you and thank you for giving it a podium here on the podcast. Absolutely I want to repeat one more time. the website. Oh yeah, one other thing I just remembered. I'm starting my own podcast get the fuck out. Yeah, really its causes. First person, plural and its motion intelligence and beyond and it just starting just launched like this week or you're, kidding first person, plural. I love that course. Person. Plural Z, that
Candide title I would have come up with a Monica. What a shot me said. I tell me if you like this title, we have apparently show from Doktor Wendy moguls she's amazing. I assume you prior aware of her. And I want to call the show error apparent here. I guess why error appeared. The planet apply on air, a pair of the people, don't even know it heir apparent, and even if you do know what heir apparent as errors outdated news is, it wasn't a workable using everyone knows about. This person blur first version early three us, yeah, I like a lot it I didn't care era. Varens Glover use the things when I realized is. I have a lot of things I want to say, and if I write a book it takes two or three years. If I do upon gases like almost instant grandpa,
oh, I can agree with you more. I had prior to this been directly movies. It takes two years, then it becomes on a Friday in your life. I hope everyone sees it. Those tyres in my life, exactly oh, no, they did it. So am I kind of really like it before my pretty in love with it actually doing with my son too, which is spent of monitoring in the same line of work as you, She's Moura media guy. Ok, you know his degree in are you engineering, but he did not. Wishing for while a keystone it is his company. Oh great, your rank. He stepped media dotcom. What it's been such a great experience, you need to know you and to talk to you and I really hope we get to do it again. I want everyone to.
Celebrate if they have not already read it and get emotional intelligence. It started this whole conversation which is so helpful to all of us, Doktor Daniel Gorman. I appreciate your time so much so you know that guy coined the term bet it's ubiquitous. Everyone knows emotional intelligence and that because of you, That must be all great, so Peter who image it is now the prisoner. You has acknowledged that he came up with the term, but I made it yeah you're right crack. Oh that's interesting, exactly: I totally get it right, so Red Cross, Mcdonald's was Mcdonald's, re crock came into the scene and he made him Miguel yeah, I was like one little dream and somewhere or other Santa Barbara right here right now, so
She was now a word and languages around the world is like a global phenomenon that never would have Peter knows and his co author a Jack mayor. They know they written that. Nobody would have. No about it. If it hadn't been for that's powerful Yet so wonderful, I hope your proud of it. You, I feel good about it. Definitely now meditates make sure your ego. Doesn't I want to thank you you both Israel play the time which is like that. It's amazing when you're having more time They are what the flow stay. It always says. Yeah hour, I will be glad to hear stated arms exports. If you dare, we are supported by neutral fall. Millions of Americans experience thinning hair, it's common, even normal, but it's not openly talked about
going through it can feel lonely and frustrating it's time to change the conversation enjoying the thousands of people standing up for their strands with neutral there's a woman there. I follow on Instagram, who I really like she. jeweller, she did a story about her vitamin routine, aha and chooses neutral than is her hair luxurious, yes, you go neutral, is formulated with potent botanical to help you grow hair as strong as you are, and its physician formulated to be one hundred percent drug free. These natural, clinically effective botanical for better hair grow through whole body health on top of thicker stronger here with out lasers or chemicals. Neutrals ingredients may also help you get a handle on better sleep. Stress response, skin nails and libido. You can grow thicker, healthier, hair and support our show by going to a neutral dot com and using promo code armchair to save twenty percent off your face,
two months subscription. This is their best offer available anywhere in its only available to U S: customers for a limited time, plus free shipping on every order. Get twenty percent off at neutral dot com spelled an? U t r a f, o l, dotcom promo code armchair for hair is
on this, you are, we are supported by article articles new out. Nor collection is here Monica my guys new shop. Three fresh looks that feature the laid back elegance of their loungers in sectional refine, designed and solid teak dining sets and de corps highlighted by bold pops of color, a trio of inspiration. You can make your outdoor space, one that will be hard to come inside from their stuff, is so beautiful, the teak I'm so obsessed with solid teak. It looks so beautifully working this up online right now. I want everything I want that all my house is so pretty article combines obscuration of a boutique furniture store with the comfort and simplicity of shopping online articles. Team of designers focuses on beautifully crafted pieces called
materials and durable construction, their dedicated to a modern aesthetic, amidst Sentry scandinavian Industrial EM, both Simeon designs, you save up to thirty percent over traditional retail prices. Article is offering arm chair is fifty dollars off your first purchase of a hundred dollars or more go to article dot, com, slashed acts and the discount will be automatically applied at check out. That's article dot com slashed acts to get fifty dollars off your first purchase of a hundred dollars or more and now my favorite part of the show the fact check, with my soul- mate hello, high for not back from Hawaii yet, but we are, but we are weight This is Thursday. No, I mean we are back, but me and new in real life are not back. We still haven't lapsing into the big dose of vitamin d from Assam. I've been thinking, I M just sad and this apartment I mean I'm not
beautiful apartment. But when I'm looking at my house, I just keep thinking about spending the all day outside this way. Oh, my god. I can't way woof okay, so this is a fun episode. Bizarre emotion, hell a chance. We quit, though I wanna know the answer to this. I don't, but you know why people became why because they removed from Africa to northern climates, with way less sunshine still needed vitamin d, so their skin got wider so that they could absorb more the limited sun TAN you're designed to have twelve hours. The sunlight. Every single day to your on the equator and so probably anyway, I feel so deprived.
It stands to reason that EU can absorb narrowly as much as I can in this northern climate and they you maybe, would be predisposed to not get enough vitamin d get one of those people who look like you who went north. They turned out looking like me, but we're here because of airplanes, not walking and resolving. Why I'm sorry, Salem or TAT everyone stirred up Brown in Africa, yeah yeah, and then people move north right and the people there of north that had really dark skin didna absorb enough vitamin d from the sun and they died in the well that were abnormally lie that were left over reproduced and of those. The latest people thrive, because they were absorbing more vitamin d from the sun and not getting sick. I've able Debbie, so I might just cause their way out of the lie like
it looks more of a ten. That's why we burn right. You guys going to burn this much. So that was a process that took thousands of years, but then Your dad took an airplane here, so he's designed to live in a climate that has massive amounts of Sun twelve hours a day. But he finds himself in the winter months in the northern hemisphere, yeah not getting an outside. I have to imagine you guys must run low on vitamin d, Maybe maybe that's why I have sad through my God. Do you think Does it rain alive in India, or maybe the most its monsoons there, then that's not in line with my sad no, but in general? There is no money in India or the sun's only out eight hours a day
Bad news I'd know, do no occasion, trees, they're, the ones that you see in Africa. That look like umbrellas, I don't have any side follow your right and they don't have it because the sun never is going sideways across the horizon, like a nose in the northern climates or the southern climates, because it's the equator, it's always going directly overhead, so it will be useless to have them outside what percentage of the audience. If you had to guess likes these fun facts. But this is like me tat what was when I far, and I dont know how to reading I'm calling it off. I just don't know that's the kind of act, I'd love to pick up. But I don't know, I guess. Ok, it's a fact. Shaggy minds will have some facts,
we know where all about learning, let's inquiry, credibly proprietor to be acacia. It is I like that. I like that story. I wonder if you planet occasions appear a if they would even live, If in fact they did live, if they would say already, olive and sighed, for we gather probably is some cousin to that tree. There is here- and that is just a normal sure- that what we call a normal tree running big Bobo, heard of normal trees I hope that explains my sad because I know people dismount and people, meaning you Miss Eyre as nothing I've, and I'm very indulgent of your said, in fact just Yesterday I asked you are you're sad was doing because it was cloudy yesterday not doing to read the text. I think it's because you felt that I always in a mood or something I think you felt mood change for me and then realize it was as a walking some reassuring and I was loving
walking in that gloomy, whether ahead information earners nostalgic about it and I is really like getting off on it, and then I thought oh Monica hates this, and then I touch you how's your sad doing today, but it is also corrected to house, They have to bear the animals. Like he's fine, I think the edges are weird question you're, like placated many like a dog to us, but it gonna make sense, because his interview had come out that the exactly his little portion on the fact check it commands without Europe asking like yeah how's he doing where people mean the white men. Was upset because you know I was acknowledged. in your sadden enquiring about it, sir, all to be misunderstood. Like an up soda threes company, big misunderstanding: I looked up how to fix it. Son son, later this there's light there be yeah by
how the little light source in my room, but all he had supposed to Hell, but it doesn't know you need that, like the Big Uv Baker, overhead like in Alaska. They have to give the children that light there it's, I know, but it's like it's. This big I bought one so I have a night light weight, guys I've and I like it, turns on a half hour before you wake up in it. Tries to mimic, a sunrise would start out red and then slowly gets to lie in your voice, Oh yes, it's cutlets by hatch, it's very cool. I wanna see it's a clock too because I don't want to check my phone and the EU can do meditation. They are not sponsored, but they should be well um. You do a little like half hour meditation We're back all the lights.
Damn for like twenty minutes, so you can read like in a wine that it's a whole process so that you get the very slowly. Yes, it's a whole programme so that you can sleep the Bessie no banana journey with sleep am the wake up is to mimic sunrise, so you get that circadian rhythm gets put into gear, but I ve been working for me and then I bought one of those sad lamb, Social excited about that, and it's like half the size of this laptop. I don't trust anybody here, big lights, I now in general, if you had to give a rating your sleep before you quit drinking and then overall after equating drinking, that's a good question. I will cancel quick as you have drank by now, because we voted the Hawaiian right the right to attend,
I hope that today I always said I haven't where for good. I just haven't drank, and a couple months before I took my hiatus, my seat was really three, and I bet now, it's six or seven months should meet is significant. You you're discouraged the first couple weeks, you're like ours, not really help me my sleep address. I wonder if one of the Jason's among many is simply your schedules probably way more predictable. like. You leave hangs earlier than used to yeah. You like it might just be that you're much more on schedule The creature like havin fun and stand up to at the Hansen's while once a month, you end up being at the Hansen's too, like one or two yeah, I'm having a hard time, though, because recently
I just feel so low energy don't understand why? Because I'm not drinking being seemingly better at Mary Louise I'm eating wow! I feel it. I should feel so full of energy, nor why some other agreements? Ok, we do something important. So Daniel has a task, emotional intelligence hash we haven't done. It has done so loud. Great problem is she gave me the website? I came home and has done I was afraid to take this, because I think I have really high emotional intelligence and what, if I doubt
Similarly, I am taking and IQ test and general sure you're smart, but then you're gonna find out your average. Will you know you're? Smart, oh, what a fun noise! Your computer's me! Oh! I love that noise. If this noise agitated you, you have emotional intelligence, oh really well spent a long time. right. I'm sorry, we're gonna have to do a test. That's not Daniels, ok, ok, we wanna do Danielson. We simply couldn't find it. Ok ready said: go, my emotions generally have either a strong impact on the where behave little or no impact on the way. I behave very strong. I generally guided by my goals and values, others goals and values, Mongols and values.
I am under pressure. I generally have changed behind there's from normal behaviors that remain unchanged. You extra questions yeah. I think so. I generally learn most by actively doing activities from reflecting on past experiences. Odd, shoe reflecting I generally have a good sense of humour about myself or take myself seriously, yellow the censure motion at present, myself with self assurance and having presence or with some confidence and cautiousness pushed arrogance. Where there are uncertainties and pressures. I am always a decisive and make sound decisions, be cautious about making the right decision. We know that cautious engines in all
I always voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb, for what is right or most others agree with and support those who they did. Goods label diametrically opposed. But it's not, I would say you both a wide say. I do provocative argument and I think some times I convince people or they see the merit in it, but I'll just stick with the four came right. I think so. I always like to take on new challenges. Maintain the status quo, new challenges I early, inspire confidence and others rely on others, confidence, inspiring confidence, I generally allow my emotions and moods to impact on my behaviors, or I generally keep my disruptive emotions and impulses under control. What is doomed to that? For me, I think you let them impact Europe
ok when I'm under pressure, I get easily distracted and other things or I think clearly and stay focused ladder. I always do. I say I will do do only what I have to do. Do what I shall do us by others is automatically given to me, is built through rely, ability and authenticity lower, I am always flexible and how I see events I have always able to see it. For what they are, the latter. During changing situations, I always work hard to try and keep up with the demands smoothly. Handle multiple demands and shifting priorities will ever know, MRS you filling out, but I want you to call me or I might be objective about money abuse.
doing changing situation, but here's what I meant urban areas like I'm really flexible. I think what makes me directors when I get therein shit, isn't the way it's supposed to be I'd, just immediately start figure out how to make it work, like bogged down and why that was what we hear and both I just know it over. I can make it work if we do Ex wincey right a very flexible, and that way, sometimes, though, cause like, if, like its top gear It's not your not as flexible fear them. You know. I think that show up. I was immediately thinking about show, but it would be wait. You heard articulate, but we have no plan by gangs, there. We have cars and a premise, and I'm so comfortable. Knowing things will happen and warlike give it story buying something. I always set myself challenging goals. I always complete the goals that are safe for me see those different like
and set challenging goals and incomplete them. Now that you have to pick, they don't like This isn't Daniels thing is key pick you think you'll find it right, but both ok, you're, ok, I don't think you're actually flexible to changing the waiting lists, and maybe this question just force you to figure out the previous question. I set goals for myself and I compliment goals which one should I bet. I think he is such help, that was furious when obstacles and setbacks occur. In pursuing my goals, I always readjust the goal.
And our expectations persist in seeking the gulls. Despite what has happened to both you know right. You can't do everything. I think it saying like bullet in his arms and pursue directing and writing movies for a very long time. I really stick with it in ten years and then women- that's not gonna work pick any more than I am, and I decided to other things too: maybe re ajar, sulk I'll readjust generally I pursue goes beyond what is required or expected of me or I pursue further thought. What if this is the wrong? as you will have my doubts about understanding how this is relating to emotional Intel out in all their girl alone. He thought of it. Tells you you're telling your italian. emotional and stares die yeah, ok
generally, I pursue goals be, and what is required or expected of me pursue goals only as far as is required of me devotion, when identify opportunities, I am always uncertain about whether to pursue the opportunity pro active in pursuing the opportunity differences, are always causing difficulties and unrest under good and valued. The first one when I see bias and intolerance, I always challenge initiating people, turn a blind eye and ignore it. If the former I Please help out based on the tasks. Others need help with understanding, others needs and feelings. The latter I hate helping people their tasks. Are you nuts sure, but you do I'd like helping both car? I love like if you have a problem in law immediately, I want to just cite talk about it and trigger. What's going on here, surely you're right but,
like I need my shower- had liberated your son ass, I had a real whirlwind day. Last time we recorded here a fixture treadmill, he always on us fixy right. I'd go was putting the safety he back on me magna literally putting a magnet on a man. They fell off and then getting your son ass, all working, yes and then hooking up here he met a fire, yes, it was there and try to make up for not having done your shower. Yeah lose your parents were competing boy boyfriend, I ways, listen to the important words being sad list well and am attentive to emotional cues. Hence emotional cues. I don't really believe anyone knows what they're saying I m. Looking for the emotion that's happening not defined,
but there's like I'm so managed sullen. So he might you know something else scorn on this. Ok Others perspectives are always understood and sensitivity shown clouding the issues in getting us off track play the ladder. I always find social networks in the organization get in the way of delivering performance, help create better decision that works, but I don't remember, works in that kind of environment, but I think I wouldn't like social networking. The way, I always use informal key power relationships to get what I need formal decision network to get what I need either those my leg, Do you use like.
friendly relationships you have to. I think you do that. Look you're more likely to work on a project of someone you know and like them like throwing Julio had or something ok, I always give customers what they ask for. I also to understand customers needs and match products, services and not in this situation, but this is also talking about were near. Do of customers year, but we're not getting much feed, but while those actually we hear from armchairs uninstall, I'm trying to give them emotionally what they need and telling them wait. But then you understand customers needs and match products services, not you customers what they ask for not employed on give anyone else? What I always act as a trusted advisor to the customer, tell the customer what they want to hear actors to advise review, which is what
Customers are we are now. This is an English one, so maybe customer mean something else in brand Increasing, customer satisfaction and loyalty is always part of the way I work is not important in achieving the sale below The vision and mission are always given to staff, so they know where we are going used to inspire groups and individuals know where you're going. I always let people know of the bay It is expected. I always model the behaviors expected of others louder. I always give assignments to people who can get the job done and do it well will grow and develop as a result of the challenge. The first winning people over is something that I find difficult to do. I am very good at I guess I'm option I dont assembled. I always
energy, in a way that everyone understands what I'm saying that seeks mutual understanding and full information sharing, or even think that IRAN understands what I'm sorry. I always go along with the changes being driven by others, or I always recognized the need for changes and remove barriers are certainly don't go along with decisions by others, so maybe through the no hypothesis, I have to pick the other one was one the worse employ. Hang, I dont think you I'm a very bad,
employ unless you want to hire someone who's gonna give their opinion on the time that this is less say. It's bass, think of it as a boss. Deal way for the employees to tell you something needs to change, and then you do that or do you look around yourself and say: oh, that needs a change all the way with your editing. You didn't come to me and say I care overwhelmed anything, but am I this is killing you, but the version of the ring doing is killing you figure out how to re. I always handle difficult people in a straightforward and direct manner with diplomacy, intact, Stuart, insured forward and aggressive and confrontational. I always seek out relationships that are mutually beneficial. That will help me achieve my end goal mutually blue men deserve and gear.
He said to her. I think so. I generally have a stronger focus on tasks rather than relationships, balanced, focus on tasks and relationships relationships. When I work with teams, I always make it clear what I expect members to do: draw all members into enthusiastic participation. Major glue, awry score test, the falling numeric. Scores our cognitive, her. My answers to the e I test, if you answered honestly, inaccurately your score, is out of ten, for each quarter will reflect our capability level within each of the e quadrants self awareness, nine of what TAT term Europe. Listening to this getting ah so self awareness was an eye and eight out of ten years ago self Management, seven J. Social Awareness sex
relationship management, five, o clock. But dear me, to read a little bit about it. You gotta be flexible. flexible them here, yeah so so awareness description. Social awareness is comprised of three competencies, empathy, which is understanding others and taking an active interest in it concerns organizational awareness, which is the ability to read the currents of organizational life, build decision, networks and navigate politics. and service orientation, which is recognising a meaning customers needs the adaptable success, oriented type, interesting relationship management, description, Social Cluster relationship management is comprised of seven competencies, vision, the leadership which has inspired, in guiding groups and individuals, developing others, which is a propensity to strengthen and support the abilities of others through feedback and guidance.
Influence, which has the ability to exercise wide range of persuasive strategies with integrity and also includes list they incur in clear and sending clear, convincing and well tuned messages, change, had list, which is the proficiency in initiating new ideas and leaning people in a new direction. I think you have a lot of that conflict management, which is resolving disagreements and collaboratively. Developing resolute, hence also the Hollywood guy negative three building bonds, which is building in maintaining relationships with others and teamwork and collaboration, which is the promotion of cooperation and building of teams, So, where your lower, let me down by your upper self awareness, nine piglet, the core of emotional intelligence, a cell phone,
awareness is comprised of three competencies: emotional self awareness where you are able to read and understand your emotions, as well as recognised or impact on work, performance and relationships, accurate self assessment. Are you are able to give a realistic evaluation of your strain to limitations and self confidence where you have a positive and strong sense of one self worth the starting point in key in these areas is the ability to be critically self reflective? That's great! That's true! Self management! Last one to see you at seven on self management is comprised of five competencies: self control, which is keeping disruptive emotions and impulses under control. Transparency, which is maintaining standards of honesty and integrity, resist first one I just better Sigunos embitter, yeah, honesty and integrity.
encouraging herself and responsibilities. That's all part of transparency, adaptability, which is the flexibility and adapting to changing situations, and coming. Obstacles achievement orientation, which is the guiding drive to meet and internal standard of excellence and initiative, which is the readiness to seize opportunities and act. Stay real love, wizzes were sure. Do we're going to find a real one from Daniel and I'll give you that? Ok, great gray, all right. Well we're back from Hawaii drains year. Healthier, never buy. Sad has gone on for six days. You're. So scared me drinking man, none! I feel it keeps coming up once you big change. You haven't drank for two months I'm not going to drink a lot. I can't because I'm not supposed to go from non to a lot. We have what you do. It'll be great.
Real. I've never had a problem with you drinking our, U dinner, but it seems like in my in my sobriety very interesting yeah? I know you're interested, but I feel that something more. I feel that you are I can tell you what it is. I don't have one percent fury of drinking problem. Not one point five, not none! Ok, I don't have that all ok I do have. The thought is: Add a diver deduct it for you share and I'm all. We want new to honestly assess that yeah. If I saw that you drive so much joy from at them out to me, it would be like yeah yeah and then, if you didn't, derive any downside from it like yeah yeah, but I I'll see you drink in my opinion, more habitually than it is
That is where it is. That's why I wanted to take a break, so I'm not affected one way or another. Like you not annoying when you drink. It doesn't bother me when you left for me: there's no impact on you drinking but, as someone loves you, and once you d like sleep well, if that's something you like events gotten better here and you have such a rock and personality sober. I guess if the other thing like, I know, people that are therein is such a shell without alcohol It is really a lubricant, they kind of me in there and socially. Its is infinitely better for that in its obvious, but you don't really have that you don't have problem engaging without them. True, that's you. Don't you're only really inhibited or anything now, and I know you got a veto on sixty earlier much like you score too slow. You know some that's out of one. Sixty
oh well, I, like it better than I q things over two hundred. What I say had one sixty you that's above genius businesses. Above one forty gray, your grief Only a genius. I love you, I love you.
Transcript generated on 2021-04-08.