« Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

EXPERTS ON EXPERT: John Kim

2019-03-28

John Kim is a licensed therapist, life coach and author. He sits down with the Armchair Expert to discuss his commitment to redefining masculinity, why he created The Angry Therapist blog and his view on expired relationships. John talks about the deep communication barrier with his parents and Dax wonders if John's marriage was a result of feeling "other" his whole life. The two talk about living in a fatherless nation, they discuss what it means to live a "through me" life and John tells a notable story involving sexual exploration and a stone fruit.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome welcome to experts on expert Monica. Why are you doing one? Ah, you look fantastic anger. Marrying a skirt today, Europe too big day, there's a birthday party were celebrating today. Monica is to ask for the occasion, but that's not what we're here to tell you about we're here. To tell you about our guest job. Can I wrote a book entitled I used to be a miserable fuck in every way guide to a meaningful life. John became divorce. Can you say, became sure he became there. He became divorce and he is a licence therapists and he started a blog that got very popular, called the angry therapists and He cannot work through his own issues out loud and worked his feelings out in public and that the result, which is as book he's a very fun likeable lovely purse. Airy very kind and thoughtful thankyou dear. So please enjoy
John came. We are supported by smiled direct club. I tell you, you know my teeth were absolute travesty. When I was a child, they were spattered all over dispersed unevenly all throughout the mouth, and I was injustice years and years or the danger. It was such a plan in the neck and in the mouth and in the mouth I would away rather had smiled direct, was smiled direct club. You can straighten your teeth, invisible liners sent directly to you ve only eighty dollars a month. You can have a smile. You love in a lifetime of confidants, no braces, no monthly off his visit and smiled direct club, invisible liners work, gently indiscreetly to gradually guide your teeth into line and one of their two hundred plus duly licence. Doctors oversee your plan. Every step of the way go to smile, direct club that come to see real. Before and after photos of more than three hundred and fifty thousand satisfied grins.
That's a ton happy smiles. Monica smile, direct club has annexed glues of opera for our listeners. Get one hundred fifty dollars off invisible liners at smiled. Direct clubbed outcome. Slash pod cast in use offer code arm chair if you're listening. Cyprus, for you get one hundred and fifty dollars off it smiled direct clubbed outcome. Slash podcast offer code, armchair smile, direct clubbed outcome, Slash podcast, overcoat, armchair Isn't it. John can welcome to armchair expert. Thank you for having me before. We even talk about important stuff. You ve read the motorcycle here today. I noticed now affront here's to be a hardly and you're telling me it's called a roadblock like a roadblock. Yes, it's it's. What we call
Grandpa Harley, which I told myself I would never buy until I tester of one and it just fuckin may be feel invincible. I recall in both through here and I'm only five, eight with with mud with product, my hair, it. Where are you from new born and allows boy in Korea. Came you ass three hours yeah? How did your parents make their way here? So my parents came here with five hundred dollars to green kids. Media with the military were from South Korea and we have been Georgia. This is the seventies, lots racism, offshore, Monica your friend here on your left member Jordan. Oh, are you will and I can see she is not the hegemonic white per lad. I a suburb of Atlanta, but my mom grew up in Savannah, so we Columbus in it seven days and I ran Ausonian three, but I remember walking into a restaurant in feeling
the race I remember feeling unwanted. He felt like any other holy shit yeah. You know all the Rachel slurs, and so my parents, we moved very fast from their into a interviewed everybody. We drove to California and had been and allay my entire life. I'm forty five. Now, ok, Sir God, you're a little old the me. I always feel better one someone's older than two years, all that much closer to the end, and I am yes and so what age did you get to California, for three three doing these men like a weakened in Georgian there like, let's get them for my guy. If I felt there, I don't remember my childhood, it must have been bethia you, so I remember my mom worker stopping go. just like a seven eleven in Georgia, the seventeen hours days and showed me korean food and debut like what the fuck get the fuck out of my? If he does so, she would get a lot of criticism because she was eating came she can
that can achieve in. I grew up embarrassed of that kind of stuff you now it's like that shit and trade of Jos. Oh yes, you will go we're ahead of the curve. Yes- and I remember here now- lay when you go to Cape Town, clean barbecues. It was all korean now too, why the eyes of its sprinkled with green people yeah. I feel like the hipsters, embraced it first like: let's go get korean barbecue us and now it seems ubiquitous, but am it's a good thing? I love it, but now yes, so I like talking to Monica alot about because I think it is so hard to live in this country and look different than all the other white kids at around you and then these there seems to be these things. Indicators of your otherness that are triggering so like king. She re beer. Ass may be smelt light. Came she brought little kids harmed? Were you embarrassed by that personnel? So I grew up in the eighties, thereby ex Bob hand
You know her in raw an heights and roll heights now, as it is very fast in various aid, but before it was all white and hispanic, we were the only eight or Yentl family than your orientated begging, like I think oriental is kind of pretty too I don't like it at the turn of rebalancing. Want that making the exact same arguments Montague, certainly not my position to say it, but there's some romantic notion about like the Oriental Express aerial road, the rhetoric I can imagine it being re claimed by Asians away. The inward was reclaim by the black. If you really, if you see your Asian, it's very bright, it's too broad, in my opinion, any no! If you, if you say your oriental, it makes me feel special to me. It takes my mind straight to China, as opposed to the sub continent, India, which Asia includes women, leisure, narrowing down a tiny bit towards where it makes me feel, like your hand, made like a
like an oriental rug. Yes, why artist did that become offensive? I don't know well, my understanding of it is that the Orient is a very specific region. Although we tread yeah, we decide just got proven wrong about the really just means EAST, South Sudan or general, then Asia or equal, although it isn't, it isn't because I dont think, do you think people in Europe Think of India as the east? No one thinks that I think the actual definition is these yeah yeah, something suitable, outta least excluded. You know India, Afghanistan, Pakistan, are all at starve. It would have been a little more specific Afghanistan and whenever he said, is I dont think Asia that would be Middle EAST. I think that,
Eurasia middle suspects, but now is the Middle EAST, which is tricky because Afghanistan, borders, Pakistan, Borders, India. I don't know where we're drawing the line regardless die wanted. Were you embarrassed unless your parents, yes, I was embarrassed to be korean, so I grew up in an all conquer caucasian world and being the only orientals four blocks I had to do something to fit in and so on. I am, I wouldn't smart person, I didn't you know all the stirrups stereotypes and apply to me like math, and so I got into break dancing and so as a break the answer, but I feel like in the eighties, they would only lead in one eight in person, ok, a call, a token token, my home and so was very lucky it I got in through some kind of ability to break dancing, and so I got to be in the crew and one thousand accrued now protected by the old
spanish dues and all that right and then in so can I just point out: yeah exultingly Monica saving. You guys have budgets Carson Surrey were your brain cancer dunno. Basically, she became a cheerleader which what could re more generally, weekly. Why are all yeah activity even Nyc? Cheering yeah it's the ill gotten one thing they can exclude you because you make yourself indispensable right within sound about your skin and then you bond over that thing, like we're. Just talk about more cycles right now and if you ride then there's a little there's a bond there, because you know what that person likes and happy hunting, yeah, etc. So with break dancing. Suddenly they forgot that I was yellow yes, but oh look. He could spin on its head here, you know you're in
you're, getting about dancing women like it. How shall I absolutely here and sellers have certain cohabitation than us going to transfer between the sheets light on how well this person's like can move, Her body, yes, are in control of their body. That rhythm, I think I think it worked in two ways: one coordination, but also confidence. Oh yeah you're right and I think that your ripples and your observing someone perhaps doing something great watching other men. Look at that and aspire to that there's an implied status element to do it's like all of these guys think that guy's cool then he must have some status. What's the woman's version of, I think most women love a man who can dance. especially if I think most men love a woman whose alive and has not happened, William is perhaps rate
room, man amazin tat. The eyes were way less discerning yeah, but tell me what you're relationship the apparent here towards interesting about my arm, my parents, so they speak very little. English has broken the what what's funny they ve been here songs. I have right. But they just now, but you were little right and also my school and you were trying to use life or death that you assimilated year. I e our ugly. I would again be now be ass. They were safe behind counters. Indeed This is now that they had to speak English, so they speak very little English. I speak very little korean, I can speak Korean, but only like fourth grade level in- So when we talk it's just very like are you hungry? How would you would you did a very basic yeah and I had this revelation lately when I watch other people and their parents talk about deeper shit. I can't do that.
And I was like that's actually really sad. Then you attributed to the language barrier, but I do wonder if the results also occur. Cultural area that, because it I've like Monica, will explain her relationship with their parents to me, then I'll say no. They really do want you to say I love you like they want to. They want you to say too, and so I was try. I was badgering her with that's what they really want you and then we watch there was an episode of arm ass. Heaven master of none were the whole observes that about the fact that his his asian friend in him there, their parents don't want that. Yeah is culturally, they have won and I had to concede that I was dead wrong. So do you think part of it is that is your high per cent night? My dead grew up making on shoes. They grew up in a worse breaking poverty bathrooms outside my mom used to carry pills of water to her village, Russia, the idea of the most intelligent,
that's where you had a close and escape or their brother felt like you're, good man. We don't also. Take a shower you and me as hourly affirmation. Their definition of love was we're. Just gonna make you american I was worrying at ten, I was nine or ten was wearing a strawberry shortcut, t shirt, Gothic didn't they didn't know, there's that was for women, girls and so big vigil reset button bright, dancing break, as these were add my edge. The note now that laces, you know the parachute pants and then like the cool kids, and I remember that when girl started liking me as embarrassed to be Koreans or she would come over a smell, the kinky sure and be like holy shit. What this led the house right, lotta, shaming guilt, yes, and so I had a poster growing up of my Jackson on my Wall and Heather Thomas
Absolutely right is yeah yeah, the lead of the farm yard female leader, the fog. staring at the issues like half naked, I should have been looking at. Tray was leaning on a wooden hot tub, as I recall was yes Ulster there, the barrel up in the barrel, hot upsets the famous. Why that's right? You can see everything so nine, ten year old, when you're absorbing that and then you're. Looking at that every night. Yes, I ended up having sex with the plum aplomb plum, because I was so curious. Oh you put your innocent sided with alarm. What I knew that even at that is by the way the apostle landed right, where I hope too, that we are so you had an actual plum. I would look so at nine owes surrounded by here with my parents were never home, because Europe is working in different working constantly. And I'm gonna stereotyping, but today I have a social network where they got alone and start a business.
Yet I am so it's kind of a human rights Ngos have eleven seventeen our weak, dad work. The appalling phone cable saves money. Although hamburgers Shack decides a photo met in most, we will know what a format is, but rather a toll booth, time serving hamburger to sir. It was called ammo in Burbank, her neck sobering studios in whose call M o, because it american mexican oriental food. Ah, you can't fucking Nix egg rules with tacos show the head of her time, though beginning that shit. Now it's confusion. Did anyone stop, therefore, bullets? Because it also says ammo? If you read it quickly, the fifty million volunteers in my area networks, rounds or- and this is the eighties bread I was busy because they could get a growth tacos and burgers all day. We did all three of us any little tiny for my mom wording. Did you work there? I went there the time a roomy skateboard
and I would go watch like christian- has soy Disease one's own. He must remain you're here, oh my god, that's all I wanted was an asian guy. He was Kennedy was how is he hath asian anyone He was the big air Champ of the day. Yes, look at fly higher than any yes and that cry stare. Think but big. I just got an literally have goosebumps right now. Oh all over my arms again that this is your generation. The absolute right has sought was fucking awesome. So I met him once because read the street was a place called fast lanes or skate sharp, almost eight there. They had this whole event. I met him. I had a broken hand from skating in all my cast. He wrote gopher, broke out, and I thought he can speak English because I never heard that term before a lot of it. But but he was my. He was like he's like that. I won't be that guy, but the plumb the plum. Yes, thank you for giving us back on track.
My parents are always gone, so I was exposed to a lot of images, really young, aha, already magazines. I do remember on tv like, oh, yes, you but you and I have the same life. I've brought em on tv. I'm here doesn't time on. One knows you to get the hell at what is going on in the air to play which on a bad idea to on just to let people know the first words cable, it only anymore at eight p m and came on and what Europe Fox affiliate became for us in Detroit Channel. Fifty after eight the image got scrambled in a non box it on scrambled it, so it sneak into my mom's room they whenever home and watch images scrambled or not very curious. Back in the day, you actually have to get pornography yet actually know someone older, who had a connection to get a magazine somewhere here or a view, just tape. We had Will you turn it yeah yeah right there I'll pay for it. Video gives me rogue traders, and even if it was an image you for that, should have been carried back pocket for like the months interest. Here too,
The image right until it was just disintegrated has in fact Monica just ask the other day. Boys have favorite porno clips that they walk. said. I think now, there's just such it over abundance of image that there would be no reason to its water down, but you had one dirty magazine when your account in our era for ten years, and you did have favorite spreads in their yes, yes, you can even build up. Do you knew that big image was coming on the page? not that whenever Moselle so because of that I was just very sexually curious, very highly sexually, preoccupied. My dad is also an alcoholic, ok site. I'm congratulation will have one comment. I had the addictive Jean right, obsessive, compulsive, obsessive, compulsive, the all that stuff when you say you're in a bright break dancing. I already know that their that's one of those things were this thing: obsessive, compulsive nests addiction, its
double edged sword. So one of the things you obsess over dancing, you one needs to obsess over that to get good at it right I would it flow states, lock, my self interim or on the driveway and four hours I would forget to eat, harming every it would you just drop you just which is kind of cool you you, you submerged self into the craft, yes, and I take it good, but again, because you have a fucked up bearing the exit would have the effect of number Andy area, but got me something. I learned a kind of minimize the downside maximize right began at that age. It's worth the fact that brain because you get to dig not bullied. Yes, you know yes, so you're, a obsessively sexual they needed no sexier like aha in I knew it didn't you goodbye. Even at that age. I just knew than Jirga Pike sure, so I thought a plum wanna it has you're right net and nine. I don't need anything because they have no right, so I got a whole into into a plum guy and
to me. This seems I'm pretty early. It's dead, his early. I don't care, I think like for me was more like twelve. Do you have any sexual drama in your past? I don't they so I was. I was left a few times at the neighbor's house or something because my parents worked so hard. It was gone and I dont remember a lot of the mean that I'm a therapist. Why should you know here you talk about the stuff? I dont have anything that I remember traumatic but ass. I wouldn't be surprised if something yeah just seems. I guess, when you're, that your sexual eyes that young general not a bad question the girl at home. I wonder why he could be this american ideal, this white woman on your boat, all that
the emperor and all in all a movie or malaria mare, it's very mere again. It's for American also, I was the youngest in the break gets in truth. There were sixteen said, but they're talking about areas of smoking out there doing things- and I was just kind of like you Know- did the world very big house very curious? Yes, but you didn't go back a dim become whom nobody will interesting to go back to it, the as my bearing Breton, unlike your sexual, like them movie there what's the movie last year, but the gay guys on call me my monotony, my your name or he had sex with a peach, ah veal. So not just me other other men have really. This is good, I think there's a guy. Did they just digits hiding,
obviously, because I e no other people who have done the other two other men listening to this will be like oh yeah, plum, yeah yeah, wherever member apricot eyes it tell us and stand up. In fact, I started getting borders like I'm an old tenor, lovelier meeting- and I would finish the toilet paper raw and out, see all that role that, like that, I'm that my penis would go in there and I remember humping like a toilet paper role, and it was not pleasurable at all, but I just was intrinsically drawn to sticking it in that tube. Like those telling me, I do that, but it isn't, it looked were obvious yeah and I put inside a vacuum once hey of her. Yes, that's gonna come here with a vacuum hold such another with it. On I think one thing all its very calm: it s the sun's horrible, but that it, but that was pretty Majid beer that those are my archive trials and tribulations Morton, here's the thing! This is why, in the sooner
I didn't know, there was not one of my clients now anybody game allow their honesty in. But I would I would point out is that if you are a dad, you can't in their too soon to explain how this works, because if it is, if you're, just a little person with very little understanding of the world, yet very strong carnal desires and urges to do things. You're just gonna start trying things, and I wondered how sad and maybe get back to back is that was the birth of this book that we live in a fatherless nation, which is what I'm on fire about that? What I related largely to when I started reading is that fatherless knew so well, so you did have it dad, but it sounds like between his work. He was in his drinking in it. He was in the hot. He wasn't there for me and then not seize these a bad person. He wasn't there for me emotionally didn't have any tools also physically always working. So I tell people,
raised by pop culture, be, I was amazed by there was no doubt there is no positive male role model, my life. Now, how do you Doping college you're saying you're an average student alone? So I guess I should start by saying my s. Eighty scores were so low. The vice principle called me down and asked me if everything was ok at home or really in a little offensive, because I was like if I was an age yeah, you wouldn't blown right through the air, I'm not I'm, not an academic guy. Now and now it forty five, I'm ok with it, but of course back. Then there was a lot of shame and guilt. So I I'm all right brain. So I was a kid in the classroom that would stare outside the entire time. Playback movies, wonder if I could fly out my God, Monica play by Liza did ass. She used to watch goodwill hunting over and over again in her head all day long at school. Yes, some me it was the eighties movies. You know was a first pillar, weird science. As regards his love, when I finish your pants care that you aren't good at school, there are kind to me, but they were always did
typically the whole asian study. We wanted to be a doctor lawyer. You know Migdol books at me. We didn't come to America for you to spit on your head knee. I know a lot of yelling for that, then I got an escape warning and I want you know work when you gonna grow up the my brothers. The opposite did very well in school. He very left brain cancer, older yonder, alders, two years older, and it was he per day. The view in school. Now we see that the whole thing it causes, I think, the most heartbreaking stuff. When I hear your story, monks or is a lot of other friends, I'm stories is the sad as part of it all is it weirdly can make you turn on your own family career, distant other reminder that you're different, yes than to me, breaks my heart, and so I had to find my something because parents went around brother was embarrassed of me and when you're, only two years apart at that age, you'd little brothers,
like an idiot you dont want to use, is annoying. I remember of trying to follow him around my bike and you just did me I'll be back in tariff. He has about just finding your own battle to be accepted, release its terrible yeah now and it was there an age where, all of a sudden, intense grey, you ve chosen a completely different route than he has his Sunday, more academic and you're, probably starting to reap the rewards of creativity being getting friends, maybe being cooler more accepted. We did that ever occurred to him, like oh shit, he that just start having two years ago. It's for you, you know I, the skating in of course, would have I get into I get into summers myself. I didn't skating and then just never did anything that didn't move me.
So I was into in the eighties. Models were big, not models as in like women, but like building model, the Mattel models that exactly so This is a great metaphor of kind of who I am. I got that by my dad bought me. The dukes of hazard car window that does home was like the model, the generally yes, nice confederate flagrant on the roof, how you were dead and waited, and so I remember like this is the but I'm going to really do everything the details like actually pain it and shit, and so I built the whole thing until the end, where I can figure out how but the actual together, and so I took the wheels and exclude them to the wheel. Will archived so now like that? That was, and it was on, switches knew no rose, low, Reinhard RACK and it's like became the metaphor for oh that's junk him he's gonna. Eighty per cent of you get almost do something, and then it kind of gave me this false belief that I was the almost guy, and so the theme of my life has been like, oh,
our good guy not finish them. Yes, more you're, a half ass, but it wasn't until about two years ago. There realized it actually give that occurs. How so everything that had done. In my life, like, for example, I started a life coaching company of collar, kettles, intensive, so tickets to it before I had no idea worth teach, but that passion came from going through the clinical system, which I think is broken to be a therapist and realized that you entered the system on fire to help people by the time you're done you're, like I don't even know how inducing boy you there's a lot of burn out in that field. Rising so much better now be underpaid. Also just hearted join people in Drama Missouri all day long year, but also alone. I need you if your private practice, you're sitting by yourself being very neutral. Not shown yourself like this is Drake, as was yourselves theirs,
the human exchanger. Yes, but if you're therapists it doing that, our and out you actually Creole prison, so how what what school did you go with us Glenville and I just felt like I can- I can get into the school. So I want to go somewhere. Would you like me, a college or cow state school going, North Ridge was steady, they don't northwards quakes went. Therefore, film archive became screenwriter guy had a restaurant bar club because it by this time my parents at the time, love format into safe, more money and there she bought a pioneer chicken. Ok, that was the big deal for an hour and then that turned to apologize. We saw that they kept
giving in saving in saving and there we had just enough money touchy by, like a little italian restaurant called the Holly Canteen next to the studios. That was started by richer Brandon S kind of a clubhouse for a guess is you know, library friend has definite like his chief body. I went down there and night this Locrian family bought. It and lunches are great cuz of the studio's, all post production, but the evenings were dead and I was doing this thing. I had this project called model in a bottle which is older. The story and I met this club promoter and he saw it he's like. I could make this into something really cool and my family's, like you know that this just try. It is like a big deal, so we was bodyguard. Let's do it. I didn't know him at all and ink the sharp tanks in a white couches and all were crazy. Tourney things of the down. My parents were terrified, as you got to trust me mom, and this is again very John, can't right just doing the bus was driving it and for six months in two thousand and one
an irrational blew up. It was like foreign people outside all the celebrities, but no one knew as omits Locrian family. I had no idea. Where is doing so stealing from me up here. How would you know how the idea I wasn't my twenties and dumb HBO found out about it, and I was just rang screenplay the stuff in day when they found it was on by this little queen family. They thought it was interesting to then they got my life rights enter into a project in the hired me to write it end. I thought this is, can be my big break for sure. Of course, it never is. Just didn't when who is doing fasten theories are ya. I think you wanted to do. I never met him bright and where, where her was you want to do something he's coming from commercial will be, so I did do something that's gonna mean for he could relate. That story is But then he an appalling out, and so when there have been
in my marriage. Is wine piles lake to feast or famine? I can't do this disease. We can be happy. I would spend fifteen hours a day death of a salesman punching keys at Starbucks trying to create you know the outbreak in the dialogue and the answer it. You know it's all. That's when I became a therapist stay too diffuse there. We are supported by fab, fit fond. Monica the two thousand and nineteen fab fit funds bring box is on sale. Now I got mine when I got it, I thought I can't wait to do. This add consist of scraped. There is a very cute little pack of knives and forks and plates that comes in the rap.
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so I was talking to my own therapists and he's like what do you want to do? If you can't do that, and I said if I can't move people by the masses and be creative, allow I wanna do you're doing he's. I will do it in and I thought if you needed a phd right. So as I can that's cool guy terrifies me there's no way, I could do it he's like you just masters. You already have your little casting authors in England. You be a you, have your ba with the spaghetti gains and though the two years to your school and so next year, I'm getting my masters going through a divorce, and I did about six. What would you do? Get married twenty nine twenty, not year less about five years, five years. That was actually the good the most important in the gracing. It's happened to me because that's the great
vied, that's when my life edges sketch was shaken in force makers, who asked so I left with basically a pillow temper, pure pillar, the bed and just like the suv. So I went on Craigslist and found it remains started all over at thirty five vision. Was it amicable, mutual or did she wanted out o? It was more on her side, but it was it. There was no, it wasn't. Crazy was just calm and sad right in spiritual level. It felt like on this was meant to be at peace with it. If you do, you want to buy wedding day, and this might be a little too much information. I had this weird spiritual experience where the personnel marrying us She didn't say it, but I saw it in her eyes. She was known to predict if it was a worthless,
thereby clairvoyance. Yes, he was known to be that my small town in sheep hold me using words were basically told me: your marriage is gonna last, but you're gonna go off to help a lot of people in it time. I wanted other screamers that all maybe I'm gonna be like the six. It will mean. I ask: did this person that you married without same her nature. His name did they did they fulfil some kind of image you are trying to create for yourself. Do you think you're a trap did to that person for all the right reasons, unknown think that she was helping? You confirm a narrative you're trying to write about yourself. I think in looking back or the marriage took a black like to my defects
ports wounds me now. All of that, and even though we painted fine picture of a ten year old, break, dancing and and and and fucking plums and and and and looking at point and all that, there's a lot paying behind their listen. I don't say we shall use your experience or the experience of other people who are first generation from another country where you obviously look like you're from another country. I dont that experiences so dissimilar from being gay from less knowing that you are not what the main group is, and I think there's so much pain and trauma that causes that and I think there so many desperate attempts to prove other eyes or to fit in a thing is incredibly hard. The themes are coming so I inhalation wanting so allow these are loathing. You know, parents, that's not saying I love you you're good. As you are, you know tat you can go and you get the elect outcast. I've never got
you're, also kind of inherent in your inherited In someone else's game plan, which is we're gonna go through hell or high water to get to this country, to giving you write louder than this opportunity that we think you should exploit to its followers right. So it is very good complicate, so you also end up a lot of my clients. Trouble with this. Are you and tracing a blueprint? That's not yours! sure right in that disconnects with your purpose and who you are and what you meant to go so, but in this marriage this woman represent two you, oh, if I have this person of this person commit themselves to me. I'll, have proven couple of these fears of minors true or will yield. She was what she blonde and why she was my items on our right dunning I fell like I was known ass, her husband monster of John. Can, I didn't have a sense of identity right and so once dead shattered. Now
I have no more worrying my video shattered right, and so now I have to show myself, and this was the birth of. So I always tell people that I myself in half there's the old junk him in the new in this was the the saw the sacrifices saw had shot me now, I'm so becoming it. There there's two get my hours. I worked a non profit and I did not want to work in our profit. I my dream was to have a private practice with the shiny balls and to have my my coffee and sharpened my little three serious, Bmw and then that that there would be no death and council Tony Sopranos digs exactly right away. I beg you like how the media portrayed malware this grey area. Now to me I would be a nightmare, but that was my dream, but the universe drew me to non profit and in non profit. I started working with teenagers, which I didn't
I work with. I wanted to work with adults and I work with hundreds and hundreds of addicted teenagers in wrap arrangements and around right downstream nonprofit Schuman Centre is called eight out of hand all low income, mostly spanish asian people, can afford treatment, and in doing so I realise a single common thread between all the kid. No one had dead. So if they had a dad, it was an emotional available. If they are always, you would still sufficiently gone, and so the family support groups only mom job in it there was a dad he's, you're sleeping in the back or popping doughnuts and stuff, and this is where the seat with planted, because girls were standing to close and the boys either wanted. Be me or fight me right when you say the girls were staying to close, your assumption was that they didn't have a dad who taught them about
Andrey down and raise in I I represented the health, the older guy softer do the you know the other guy, with a chance em out the cascade of lecturers. Now they find now for the first time in their lives, so that can meet them where they are with the connected meet that level. But then I represented wellness or a day or someone else healthy right, yeah norstar and then the boys conversely right get, they would do what they would. You want to play me, because I am a threat, yeah well you're, someone telling them what to do, and I dont know at all better. That's a brave admission. Guys. Look like I don't know when, like nine, I saw two men fighting and I was hiding behind bushes and there are like. If there is direct, going added, rocking real fight, real fucking fight for cyber fought assault in my life it was so dramatic. There's like I can't
Forgive me. I tell you, I feel I gather. Let's talk about the hearing you that young and you see that it looks life threatening, Rec, room, most kids when they grow up, they are forced to fight because a bolt vigorously you mean you drastic. Yet it's like our flight the hour like a right of passages initiation. I slipped through the back the side door, man, s great by dancing and singing on that, but the kids in treatment Hetty check yourself too, to make sure you're not actually projecting on them your issue. Yes, so looking Ngos that even possible- I don't mean out an I, you know, I I see a therapist Adobe eyes, not not all the time I guess needed right am. I think it's important that their past also see therapist dear right, yeah, we'll all people could benefit from checking in was somebody and being accountable to somebody s see now, yet whether that's through a group s through a church through. For me, I say yes, our for you.
Airbus is pretty good to be accountable in June. The I dont know how people thrive. Without that there does we only see the world through our own eyes and through our own megabyte, ended this fantasy that some people just came under the gates Biochemical set up to feel great and they may be dont require that at that, certainly not my iron Clarion Seattle. Anyone with that media it feels pandemic. It feels like we all really bravo right to keep ourselves right, mentally, seemingly optimistic, or I think especially now, because it become a bumper sticker, has become commercialized wellness, which I think is a great thing. People like did the stigma with therapy is a lot less today the average rate or people have coaches and aged up. It's actually conversation which is good before it was very well with the premise of surprise
was that Tony was secretly seen there has, because if a mob boss was seen, thereby mentally, he was weak weaker and there is no way he could lead them right. Soldiers which Ino goes back to this old definitions of man, and I think right now, it's the the soil is the richest to start having conversations about. what a man looks like men is not about me putting any. My definitions on man is just about encouraging other men to look inward, that's it and to come up with their own definitions right, sir you're on your beer book. That's coming now or authority, come it's or it's it's out by time. This comes out of them Ok, I used to be a miserable falcon ever man's guide to a meaningful life Did you say I rely resistance when they wanted to make that the title and they said it in the first paragraph of your book. Let's use, ned I I said no, I dont want to jump on the FUCK train
like a genuine used word FARC, and I know it's here and then I sat with it now like why go deeper with it. Why do you not one is? It is really because of the word. There are things by used using different way, and I think it up and I was like actually the truth is. I don't want this to be the title by book, because I'm in dearest to say that I was unhappy, I'm embarrassed because a therapist to say there was miserable jar. When I realized it. That's what my truth was then now I told myself it has to be the title because you have to be a first, I'm no right! You know I'm saying we're. I think, vulnerability begets vulnerability and admission of failings helps other people admit their own failures right and especially, if you're kind of quantum called the expert me something that you know you were once misrule. Yes, why the eye of a anyone that comes on here that has made it
aim for themselves through I'm seemingly having some of the answers? Don't they run a huge risk of no longer being able to admit their own failings, because they're supposed to be someone with the answers, I just what a dangerous? Yes, precarious, yes position today and as someone who is supposed to have the answers, I think so the how the angry therapist started was when I was going to my course. I had nothing. I didn't have any friends I'd I'd like it legitimate had nothing. I had no friends and no money in your. What thirty thirty derive. Ok, thirty five is yet and use our steps. Shit figured out it only arriving or downright the treaty was shaken. Bs. I fell out nothing and I was like beginning as depressed as a company I do have. My timezone in Tumblr was gonna. Dig at the time that I'm going to create a blog in I'm gonna call it in. I had no idea
would read it? As I said, I'm gonna call being with their past and I thought is kind of funny that their purses angry, but also I was very angry. We have just been pre authorised stood. The tab in the mere does deserve angry and unhappy and dumb Mary First Post was called my fucking feelings and it was like four cents as long as it was basically and jihad, and so what I did was I noted time I pull the curtain back and I said I'm a therapist unbroken I'm hurting. How can I help you and I think that's what people thought was. Maybe interesting is the screen guy with tattoos and guys for smaller cycle going through this rebirth being vulnerable transparent. If, if I had come at u inside out and serve with, you mean said, hey, listen on the expert, let me tell you how to live your life. The people would be like fuck, you yeah, you know, and so that we can have become. My whole thing is a show yourself,
so ok, now from the outside know very little about you. When I imagine that full transformation of someone who probably I sold with other ness and then is striving to shed themselves of that feeling, it appears from your choices that you and the other way which is cross of it use motorcycles to me feels like further its feels like break dancing to point out. It does what it was, and I believe that the self betterment sometimes is about a reunion than anything else. I believe that, as life happens, we take part of ourselves and we ve smashed him into hope, chest and locked them. So across They were found Crosbie was it wasn't like Amazon until, like athlete fitness or one, it adds the feeling I got from the butterfly, pull up two hands and push shops and Muslims
connected me to the nine year old, tune, windmills and heads bins that I had to put away the ring. I bought a motorcycle wasn't to be cool. I had a heart, the sprit o me to know age. Eleven, because my parents wouldn't buy me a dirt by all the quote. Kids had Dirk idea and my parents said it so funny their thinking. Ok with pads and a home in on dirt at very dangerous, but we're gonna give you fifty six last great drive in the city with the most traffic in the eighties. There's no home of laws is basically scandals in our flying. On that day, a thirty day, my would I want the shit another thing by myself for hours and it was for the most freedom. I've ever felt. Did you you didn't erection the first time you wrote it. That's a sincere question. I gotta I got a re known boner, those tiny Monica about it. The first time I wrote my spree that that's amazing, so so
you, it seems like a dopamine, is, is connected to your boner boy. Maybe, but that's a maid s. Gonna help you. I hope. Ok, so here in General- and I have about her, I am in a good mood. I can't really ever been in a terrible moonlight, a boner these days when he finds out. We get harbour owners. You are yet heart. Voters were you, love someone it takes more than over the wind to make to get it from right. Sure, that's natural! It's coming for you to hear a major threat on the corner. Where we start this blog, then you become known kind of as the angry therapies and the anti terror bursting with their business with you, so that you and now, as people more our people seemed to enjoy what Europe now in the world. Maybe they're asking you for advice, I guess so started off as advice, and then this is what it changed. Everything someone gave it twenty dollars, and this is one like internet.
It was new and ignoring pays people online at the goes pay pal for him out, because I really took an email. I went for pages, deepen answered, a brilliant, my heart into it. I underline that the house, so I just decide to give her how to give now today, looking back, there's so much empowerment in giving, because this no longer about you in, and we talk about the through me life in the two new life in the stages, but I got twenty in our member crying. I members sweaty, I remember getting the twenty bucks and thinking someone just paint. It was about twenty bucks. It someone paid someone valued your valued me here for me, but my word document. One dollar, one thousand academy right in the other epiphany I had was boy, can make money off this and you need to feed yours
alpha needs of loans like all that stuff nonprofit doesn't pay it all right, and so then, that the pilot light became a flame and it was like ok, what's message who do I wanna help? How can I do in a way where I'm not on a poem worst age but like let's go Do this together war in there and I'll just be very honest with you, I have a knee jerk response to anything related to life, coaching to me that a hiring very dicey? Yes and I'm I'm your triggered. Yeah, whatever reason, because I dont like religion or I dont like higher agrees, I dont like yet there's some in about it in I'm sure you could argue, I'm doing the same thing. You're doing I'm here, I'm ultimately have a point of view. I am sharing with people. I guess the distinction I make is that I I almost would I feel like. I would never tell someone what to do
as much as if I thought I had a similar story, a story that I went through. I would just share with you what I went through and then when I did and then, if you think that's a good idea, the maybe try that I don't know. I know you have been talking about and most people feel same way, some more by the way, its double sided, so I'm or I'm first suspicious of the person who would advise another person how to live their lives right and then I'm suspicion of the person that would seek that out as opposed to what I would consider doing the boot camp version of them. I got you you're gonna. You feel so entitled that you should have one human being dedicated to your life as opposed to EU joining. Another group react yet that council so its double side in its I'm hot air on both sides. I only way among aiming to now you're not wrong. That's truth. The reason why I start my own life got your programme. Is we don't encouraged that it's about asking questions not about telling. People who live their lives because you don't know, I won't try change the temperature. That's what excites me so
I can't served sum for the water, so remember, there's something or skin morning our member waiter, for in the sand and miniature surfer. That's fucking! Joke right! Are you doing here my way? I'm gonna beat you up there and I think the European Surfing Life Coaching has become signatory once bind these things are going up in the water but they're just dinner in its aging in that's because would like what you just aboard and so on one. Can columns of life go? You can say today. My name is deck Shepherd normal life, coaching right, I'm robs life coach self, appoint on your volumes boy just didn't do this by causing the eve coach many without even knowing it. You know I've learned to wipe my ass differently because of governments. That's my movement, I'm trying to lay the magic. So, yes, I think so therapy is more
like from suffering the baseline life, coaching from like baseline, the thriving, but because there's a board with life, coaching and the internet and the commercialization of wellness. That's why life coaching is getting a bad because by people doing it that shouldn't be doing it, and that are pointing fingers in saying how you, but you know that the goods they flew up and the people that do that. How can I get clients because who want to grow those people right area, because the clients become the testimonials were at either working out the other thing? I would really hope that life, These are taking into account these, and I only really am aware of this now from having two daughters and they're. Both fucking opposites, like everything that worked with the first born, is just not working with the second born, then I am acutely aware of how many systems we have that are just one stop shopping, so cool is like it has a curriculum.
A singular curriculum that supposed to help all the kids- and it's not gonna happen in likewise that imagine what work for me in getting sobered confronting the things of confronted likely, won't work from a huge majority of people, because I have a very specific personality type. I hate authority. I hate rules. You have to trick me all these things, so I would just pray that these life coaches aren't just advising them. What work for that? You know it right. There's gotta be challenged, it's not a once its are you know it. Its skills of life, coaching or therapist is questions. You ask using that as a rudder with coaching there's, some room for advice. Say I did this in my work for you, but if you, if you are Go junior like this is what you need to do here. Don't worry me mad and Madame in favour, because the Monday on critical with therapy is the it'll be well spent
Here's being led down the ultimate breakthrough, whereas what I love about aid is like meeting number two, some some guy Opel Usanga listen, do you're full of shit on the exact same way, fuck that your wife's, not that way, you're to spin selves, both like there is a wish that there's a element that I wish was in therapy, which was like bulshit time to make some contrary action, this is also why I don't like therapy and therapist in the system is because they teach you in school to be neutral, to not show yourself, and I get that then I went the other way so after therapy school and the angry therapist in people start wanting to do so. They wanted to do sessions online cause they're all over the world in general. We have. This is like right after dial up the board. Only you do that and I said to myself why. Why can I help someone that needs help? I could see if someone's life possibly suicidal in China, because we have the technology. Why would you stop that? So I had to call myself a lifetime.
To get around that right. With a clinical background, and so I said you know what you ve been talk about life. Let's do life what we're talking so I broke all the rules. My start sleeping with my clients. None can no longer accept what aid all my life. I am I by what I said. That's gonna hike the ticket out of the room. I brought them into cross boxes. I rolled up genes t shirt to coffee shop, I never had an office so what happened? I went rogue without knowing it. I wasn't trying to be well. I just said how can I help people way that honest to me right, and so I started doing these weird things like that. In how many clients did you have a one thousand? Our patients nations and their clients plants, ok, yeah. I had a full brides. I had so much where had the buildings, do myself. Oh what you guys all that happened, how, many years ago, that about three or four years after the tumblr and striking subtraction
then everyone wanted sessions in an you know. I wanted to thread my life. I wanted to thread that into my life with my own self betterment journey. I don't want to lose my life right. So I started to this is when I found cross feared and then learned the power of fitness yeah. I the guy in the Jim, that we just do the curls. Never I never knew a squirrel. Throw the girls its Haeckel hit me in the mere by larger l, US weekly on the treadmill gonna think the crop prospered may be realised, functional fitness all that stuff connection to my body in which is safe for the audience. Why do people know about Charlie Curtis, the perfect ten? My count you actually used to live to Charlot? Yes, we started together it would you just ah it him, like I do, of what a specimen he? Yes, so what was so when I stay crossway, I was there before him. Ok and I
I was actually good at it, because I had that the brake dancing background, so the body weight movements. I was good at right and then someone big guy came. There were strong was like war. I could get you on the the birth. I pull up, so the word shops polyps, all those things or enter Charlie Curtis he's not only strong, but he's also found and he's got a hopeful bodies and he's got the mental edge and his quiet here in order to scary and gorgeous utmost ervic over and that a title around here lightly. Well, yeah he's a good deal. Definitely so so through cross fit. You started getting. I started we building myself and I basically shattered every definition What's your definition of a man? What your definition of Natalie, which a definition of a husband and father a lot all at your side, threw out the window?
and then something you recommend is may be challenging you're under missions. Yes, if not our definitions are not just one by us, their form by society, advertising, social media, wives, girlfriends parent, like you, I'm talking about a collection of a lot, and I I'm a very simple by just like very simple break it down to the M that the nuts and bolts and you're either living and honest life or dishonest life. As for you is to me that it is that you have a black survivors right and so I'm starting with the US which, with their self but the thing but eyes these changes. So, like your definition of say, a husband today may be very different than it was even two years ago. Chair right well- and I say this often again through my own experience- honesty with one self- is a lot harder than you would think. So
your ability to have that revelation means are, you done were right. Most people don't have right again only if the EU is the outgrowth of having to think about my alcoholism, because I think a lot alcoholics feel they trust that you just have this desire to get a buzzing. That's funny right. They would never imagined that the brain is actually give that desired so that they don't have to feel the discomfort, their feeling Take it as a simple urged to do something: oversight that takes courage did actually start to follow. That thread he's gonna come from pain or wound or something, and then the falconer own. It ended that shift. I want to be different. Why? Because it's my definition of man, Father husband, whatever, and that he was itself but jostled, are minority, because guys don't do that, though she won the my favorite things. Netbook, its do respond, dont react! Are you respond? Dont react about people
walking reactions right. We re in our reaction. Stem from our story are wiring. What we were told our leaves so to be aware, means to throw in that speed bump into actually respond, which takes that ability which takes a breath which take some insight, wouldn't takes knowing yourself, if I think about this, if every man so I've so a lot of women with relationships and dating reason, and don't call me mostly women- do in the thirties issue here and soda, I love and dating, and I may want more men to follow me. Hopefully they will be here Do you have a theory on that before we move? Yes represent? What your theory is. It's because I represent cope
the thing that I write about like this kind of stuff, that in its also the dialogue that you create, so you so people create people, see me as a flag, nodded person. Ok, so here is a guy who rise more cycles in cross border cases and whatever has tattoos up, but he's also talking about looking inwards. I want my guide. Be like that. Why I want to be with a guy like at Minister than me, but I I want to root for that cuz now. It's not me, it's a message in what the world needs you know, and so, because most people have been in this function or toxic would have relationships on especially people that end up in our own into uncharted. Me they're, very thirsty for that safe space that a Billy. Why? What's on your videos before you came, and it was some basically advising how someone should handle a break up, they walked me through that gives you read out to get you. You choose this
the break up as in an exploration, yes, the relationship, and that, because there are a bunch of elements, I agreed with the result that I thought. Maybe I wasn't sure if I share but yes walk me through what you think of an eye, I realise that a lot of people, breakups, Gimme, devastating unknown divorces, etc, and for me the first thing that helps us to be. leave its choice and may be hard to know that it's an exploration, I know it sounds very cheap, like milk, its expired, but when you believe this updated its expired and was immense ago day, more or less, you have a piece with that re, like that's, closure, another cell, I believe so the beginning of that right and then it's like okay. Now, how am I going to re examine when you have to have been ready to examine the Black box and take ownership of what you want? Your country
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my favorite part the error messages as the taking owners should know what does no one down it's very easy to get distracted by all the failings of your partner It's a lot easy hurry. You don't have to dig deep you'll have to challenge as many of your own identity issues and stuff, but middle mentally. Everyone should recognise, relegated there, the common denominator in all their breakups. Yes, right idea it's really hard to do. Everyone generally likes to think that that was the point. They picked wrong work as it forces you to look at yourself and means that you're not perfect, and now you stuck with oh shit. I got de, I would think the easiest thing, the first admit to yourself is well, you pick the people but say they were all terrible. Let's are actually right in everyone. You were with as a piece of shit, newer, flawless and that's. Why didn't work out? Will you picked the person in what? What are you going to do to prevent that you'll pick another person identical to the last and eight you print. You know you did pick right in so there's like some experts,
patient to be done there, but there is also when we take people were pride not aware of this there's a of conscious dynamic that were attracted to me because it smells familiar. Maybe this is also The attic Alan on things is lost of happening underneath that's about more than just you know, oh he's charming or she has a face like it. I'm saying there's a lot of underneath and you can't get to that until we start this process of looking inwards and figure out where it comes from, then you could start me. Different choices, because if you're not aware of that, you may be chasing things that are not healthy. Like I don't necessarily think the lightning in the bottle. I think that's actually kind of a red flag. I think it's a big red I think the slow burn yeah, you know, I think you haven't layer, is first sight, Zadig red flag and that's romanticizing everyone's, like all my god like I did. This is the one
has done and for two minutes it's like, or do you feel something in this dynamic that is coming from childhood, because respecting someone's integrity doesn't like your fire? That should probably be the cornerstone of why you're with somebody, so that that things that are there, are substantial and should be the guiding force in a relationship are not sexy, they're, not the sexiest things I don't see a woman or start talking you're in think she'd, be such a great mom, I'm so horny rail route, that should be priority. Number one is what would this be someone? I would want to guide it a little person through life with, I think, there's a tip point is what is missing from men when we're in our twenties, because we have taken the wrong head, what we just go, buy, what you to the most open mean in our brain rain, ass we get older as we go through many by relationships. We start to move our chips into what beauty looks like and what
now now we know the risks are built on one of the things, but you knew your wife is that the way that you guys present yourself is so important because from what I've seen its basically, this is us we're not perfect. These are some of our struggles right in what that does. Is it tells people that the picket fence splinters and if you believe that you know that this work involved, you know that to build a marriage there is at an end, and you're gonna throw your sleeves up in all the stock and stuff, and I think the people coming up if they think carriages just or any relationship has just based on the chemistry MIA De building on ten year. Also, woods, inherently paradoxical is, if you want someone, if you wanna, be partners with someone that you have a deep respect for and you admire their who they,
are in then, yet. You also think that person's gonna, bendy or will it is, is paradoxical if you really are gonna respect somebody, you have probably recognise oh shit, this person's the gut self esteem. They know where their anchored in something and everything's gonna be a compromise. This birth person is, why worthy of me growing towards an awfully you're someone, its worthy of being grown towards as well, if you're looking for it to be easy the odds are you didn't pick someone that you ultimately are gonna respect? In my opinion? Yes, you know it. You gotta love like a feeding pigeons palm up and then let them come to you when they want and were not. If you try to go after pigeon try to feed them there. You know, I think a lot of people go, love. This is what looks like this is. We need to be well
something doesn't go back to the lightning striking love at first sight. I think there's like a feat of reasons I can cause at one, which I totally agree with you, which is just familiarity, you're mistaken familiarity. What what you're really responding to that person? Probably is your dad or your mom, give yours a boy when lacked or what right, itches in then. The second is your ego. Again I mean going while this person is high status in some way, the trophy and they like me, and this is going to end my status. Yes, that's what in that's a euphoric feeling the notion that you're going to be upwardly mobile through someone else? That's what my marriage was there you go. You know she's gonna, paddles, yell you'll bring you up there with her. Yes, now am worth more right, so the divorce made me actually say. Ok
now you left with yourself what he worth and at the time of like nothing here, ok, wasn't fuckin build something right. Ok, you know here and then you attract different people. When you have self esteem, Utrecht people with higher self esteem, and you say yes, I have a whole theory on tractors chase. Most of my life. I was chasing shiny things. My definition of happy was in this is I was raised in allaying. If one has drawn definition, it was the the M, the porch ranger over combo in the horse. You shaped the way in the house in the hills and the beautiful wife in the three pictured, the like anything right, vanilla and pursuing screen. Writing that's a view chasing mindset and I would exchange my truth for membership. I would seek so whenever you seeking validation approval, your power less right. Whenever you are attracting your power filled, Bowen talked a lot about the site itself in pseudo self right and
that that there is a caprice, the Roadmap centre stage, with the wood paneling and the five hundred horses fucking gold Ramsay, like that's uniquely you right, yet is yourselves itself now, if you, if you decide to buy, say a Porsche Ferrari or whatever, because you thought that other people, you know that would get looks then that's very pseudo self yeah so and I always use the movie fight club as the apple of this. We all have. A pseudo and solid side in our potential is always going to be when we're pulling from ourselves up now, not solve it. A hundred ten percent time, that's impossible, but you're, very precisely with your kids, with your wife etc. For someone you dont know or someone who intimidates you're someone. You can start feeling you're pseudo tut. This is when you start to change your twitter membership. This is when you go from a lighter exchanger truth for membership. Yes, and this is when you start for going for tracking the chasing when were chasing you're, not going we're supposed to be
going here, you're gonna hit the DAK Kova and dead ends, which is most of my life when you start attracting I'm an intractable. overall. This is why I believe I'm in this room with you, this would have never happened. Rush eight hundred percent. You would I would, though, with the universe when the line this way right it we're crane, is dialogue, because I beside one day to be honest with myself, I I really believed in living a through me life instead of it to me life. So there's others before stages is to me by me for me and through me and buy me, is the most power list. Age is basically. He taught me the still happen to me. You know any get. This move would happily victim own brain by me is fuck you it's my way or the highway. It's all you go, which is not sustainable bright for me when you get a place where you're like. Nor did I deserved this donna I deserve this show I work hard, I'm a good husband. I deserve this.
Aren't you know and then through me is the highest. That's it little you go and that's when you believe that you are a conduit and there's something working through you, that's greater than yourself and so like a prism, like imagine like going through your shoe and what comes out of your head, its color, and you can't be any through me state if you're chasing more, if you're pseudo so going down the fight club interference in moving gonna, give away the ending its one person right means about inner conflict men, so Edward Norton, STAR Start starts very soon lost going meetings buying IKEA Furniture, like would have her idea and they he meets itself, which is Brad Pitt his ears kind over his solid. Of an ye. I know they're starting fighting shit, but through the exchange and pulling from his solve itself, defines a movement begging, its passion he creates. You know whenever he was meant to create right. Yes,
So I think that we all have a Tyler, Durden, woke and fight club. The there was a breakthrough moment for me watching, club, and I say this as someone who absolutely loves: worships adores, his mother, my mom's, my favorite person on plan with that said. There's a scene were Tyler's in the bathtub in Vienna, Norton or talking in, and bread pits character. Tyler says we were where a generation of men raised by women may be. The last thing we need is another woman, and I just went oh fuck, that's the story of. I live in a weird wagon. All my friends, growing up, most of them were so single mothers and we were, though, drawn to each other and we needed male approval so much in male contact, email touch and all these things that I was like hyper drive
invested in friendships in my little male tribe, and I dont think I ever it ever occur to me until then, like oh right, you didn't have a dad around funding this notion B. I seriously maybe no one person who can honestly say they had it's amazing father that gave him everything self esteem worth baseball games. I don't know anyone who actually had a dead around so we can say that with sympathy and empathy to dad's above us, you know what the fuck elsewhere were. Dance was. Do they thought they had a very clear route, which was you go make money you pay for high some? food on the day and that you're done in that's what you're full mission in life is to do so, how how could they have possibly given us all the things we need? It was the definition they were working. They didn't have the capacity in that's, ok, that's the old,
Then there is the new we would, the soils very rich for us to now create new definitions yeah, that is it just about lumpy, don't bringing the bottom the foreign tabled wherever you're talkin yeah. Why? I very much have one foot in the olden one for new. I there's still a bunch ones that I still cling to train with the knowledge, its preposterous. So I still will remind my wife. Oh when you guys talking about like man. This is a problem or toxic masculinity like when the shit it's the and one day did I not three do get us out of the union and I thought my balloon bugging. Eight right, you're going to be reminded of my value. I have that sharing. I have this, this cave man feeling that's like. Oh, yes, all, sweet love and easy until it's not bread and then you're gonna see my value in its even weird that I have that thought, and I can acknowledge that it's weird and also,
but that's not the society we live in. My role as alpha who will protect the village is largely now it's it's it's vested Joe. We don't have. We don't live that way anymore. So I'm aware of that. Yet I cling. Do it weird ways and then do you judge yourself or shame yourself were clinging to that? Of course? Yes, eight. I think this energy you're not out putting people face while years, why its shameful to me is that it is. It is still linked to an identity that I dont wished to have a roar. So I know that it's a part of my identity that actually repelled people and didn't attract people, and I still have this kind romantic notion of solving things, the old fashioned way. Of course, I no what I would do if I had a boy, so I watch the movie, the man.
If you live in and I go absolutely were destroying boys were telling them. You can't have feelings. You can't be on her attic, stop fucking, crying where to find them in opposition to being women, don't be a fucking girl, don't be a sissy, don't be a pussy, don't be a fagg all these things that we're doing the boys is horrendous, and yet, if I had a boy who was getting bullied at school, I can't tell you that I wouldn't teach him out of punch back in the mountains. It's like I'm just conflicted. Thought of. Why don't want my kid to be a victim? I don't want my kid to be the canary in the coal mine. I don't want my kid to be the first generation of man, who's totally open prize in public in his loving and then pay. It is horrendous price for that, because the rest of society hasn't caught up to him. So I just think it's it's super dance. It is dance in their layers. It's complicated under their endorse the talking about to kind of extreme there's, also something in the middle. The ass. Soon, I'm talking about jobs, alarm. What is this? What is the healthy, modern masculinity? Look like what
can't tell anyone what it looks like I don't want to. I could only talk about my story. What looks like to me things. I've learned. I also think that masculinity isn't a stamp or light switch. I think it's a journey and when we start that journey were now dropping the ball, so I've decided forty five I'm going to be a student to love and I've been in many rural ships have also been in a marriage, starting with. I don't know shit, because that makes you curious judgmental now teach me, and I think that if we took that approach with masculinity, an honest about, like you know all that, for what the fix a guy on the budget face guy, but also this week, and you take all these things about you that are amazing in I judged and you see it as energy right and allow that manifest in an honest way. That is new and I think the coming together is a journey,
and that is your evolution and you're going to continue to evolve and grow. I'm until you die. I find this mess. You only want to be the most painful one. I challenge and try to shake. We lie we'll because you have a definition. I don't know how you raise, but you probably have solved conditions are now what a man look like, sorely like what woods there is in his eye. I did this even back in high school, I was kind of big I could fight. I was not living in fear, say by high school and at the the homecoming rally leaving the assembly I dressed as Tinker Bell, and I at this huge bag, a glitter downsized by glitter, and I was sprinkling it on the audience and as I went, the football team that was all in one area. They were calling me fag Falcon, I agree and I was lovey like in a weird way. I was loving that I could push this gender think as I felt confident enough that I was
and then I I will my second lap around. I took the whole gallon size, ziploc bag of glitter and dumped it on the football player and they came after me and principles ran out and it was like a whole melee and I was it's so weird cuz. I at one time fighting deeds in trying to get that. Get that respect, sir, yet the autumn undressing like a girl and I'm because I hate it in, I think I'm in a position to help like cause. I can see other hey, kids and I know they're not in a position like I am to wear a ponytail like I would do or whatever so just I've been at worth's from day one about it like. I can feel it's wrong. Vietnam participating in it and it's all the work we do Let me also add to our design x, I feel compelled to so for every story where I did that I pump put glitter on the football team.
what's upon some poor guy Mcdonald's at three in the morning. So I was drunk and I thought he was messing with me and my best friend Aaron told me later that dude in really do anything like I've heard a bunch of people in pursuit of this. I've been totally unfair. You know water ugliness too, that the use of one of our most your identity as being a protector. You did that early, and so that comes up all the time they came up when you were Tinker Bell and also in your punching people, it Mcdonald's. It's all. For this same reason of being a protector, you got out and you came out a tunnel. Europe's eight minutes out over you don't know at a bad moment. Yesterday was sure yeah, absolutely but you're not sending people the face an enormous year, the five year old, smack the three year old, really hard like the hardest over sinner in there. I just.
Instinct Chile acted like in raid grabbed the five year old. Firmly, I said, do not hit my baby is then she ran off sad and then eight minutes later I'm like oh, I just did the same thing to her. She did it three or she something triggered her. She acted out that way and then that thing triggered me and then I acted out now we all sit down I'm so sorry I did the exact sooner. I was mad at you about I'm wrong. I suck in just you know. I just want to say my stories so far, not over I'm still fucking up daily, but so, but I wanted to make your book, so you ve done a fight. What you believe is is a huge. How much is a generation raise without men? How do? How do we self he'll or how do we call ourselves out of that our? How do we give ourselves which should given to us by a dad?
So we actually have to shake our own life edges sketch. We also have to decide that we're going to go on a man journey which, from the known to the unknown, we have this. They are dragons, you know for you, maybe they can or whatever fighting wherever I've got my own dragons and come back to the village change does so we could share that story, then no longer about us, so I think it said decision to want to do that. First right I mean that doesn't mean just to read: books and gotta seminars, lifestyle in your own life. You sounds to me in your own life, like you, didn't have that in their through cross fit you became, you got validation from other men, so you gotta, Ascalon validation process, just one piece bright
and through writing motorcycles. That's another Canada, part of myself day that I locked away, but I would say that in your case it seems like those endeavours that you got some kind of masculine approval in a healthy way, and so is it right or wrong to search out if you're, a man who didn't get that from dad some kind of mutual male approval, but just may be tried, it aims Indy the direction and yes it wrong to pursue validation from other men. No, of course, I am aware always going to seek some form of validation of paperwork for human. That's never going to stop its making decisions based on how much are you seek that so here's? The other thing is: I think that men can sharp
and each other more than anything bids like we, whether we do it through fitness, more cycles, conversation whatever it is. He had the power to either sharp in each other or to destroy. You know, I think I think, but the thing and that's why I think it's important that, like yourself in other men who are kind of on the forefront in creating a dialogue, to start that, I need to get that going and I think the way to do it isn't point fingers it's to say I'm coming with you not at you, and I think, if we take it back to high school, you have the five percent of kids, whether their athletes or the bad ass, a sort of doing what, if those five percent instead of posturing decided to be vulnerable, show that joy is still themselves and say hey. This is what a robot looks like. They would actually led an impact. The whole eighty percent of honor presented because some of the other Abraham
you can do whatever they are sent. Radio did any could happen. It could happen because we all have megaphone we'll have social media and there's a lot there that five percent out there. It those five sat- and this is why I think it so important- is like the five percent of the guys out there. If they start to look inward, and start this journey and share it and documented and bring up revolution. Then we can start to relate. You know the the nerves and the guys that her scared start to relate to them and we see them on the street level, and now they become brothers instead of bullies. Now we have a movement, and now we could change eighty percent Sometimes I get pessimistic that at that age adolescence that just wait, two big oven ask like there certainly are so in they don't want you ain't. You know just a very primitive state, Norman you don't have the capacity. I think the thing we can do on our side is like who, in our society, be we hold up because, ultimately, that that fibre
guys their emulating, you know O Connor, Macgregor yeah or all these other people that we hold up in give greatest the veil. Steam. Do I think, that's me. The only side of the equation that we as older men can have some sway in like who are we making the heroes of our society right? But if it doesn't have to macro so it could be death by thousand cuts. So it could be communities, so you don't have to be rich and famous I mean if you are a great you ve got reach, but you can be, could be a coach Agar fitness Box and in the classroom, theirs to be a percentage of the of the depth of the kid like a bull in whatever their looking up to you to lead men, you could either led by saying, don't be a pussy and do this there and take up that fucking weight or you could be a different man
connect with that person and now the human exchanges happen. They do. You always think you'd be cool like I actually want more than anything to talk to Conor Macgregor on this point, Gaza has been easy. I see a man who is it just a big of a warriors you can get out and then I also see a man. Who's got twenty six lamborghinis and I don't go even that guy still wrestling with all the same yeah, there's no way, that's gonna feel him mob. I would love to know, what's going on and and I'd love to urge anyone, that's occupying the super port masculine space to take five per cent of their message and make it our ability. Can you imagine if Conor walked in here now? I knocked me: no, no, not article showed the sensitive side to him because he has it. Two is just a has he's got pieces parts of him that he is afraid to say because people seem a certain way
Can you make me as a brand almost core fearless right yeah? But can you imagine if he did that? What would happen is that rippled, that dent would go to times further. Then him rolling in with his boys in the car collection, because that's predictable thousand percent and then, of course you do that MIKE Tyson. That's why I love MIKE Tyson he's the best interviewee ever because he will on like he's, not a warrior cause. He had a great nurturing up. I mean he looked a miser, I'm and timely, and this was like the only option for him to stopped being a victim, and you know why should it be striving to replicate his situation, or you know I'm saying right now: what did you get from him in that interview that you're, like all while I didn't see the sedative? Oh man won my favorite things was Howard Stern, said to him. You know how
its obsessed with the notion that he lost five hundred million dollars that MIKE Tyson somehow lost? I would remind us, I'm obsessed with that. I didn't know that now that that's what it's like, I covered money. I covered the security quote of money in Yemen ocean, like I can't even imagine, carrying on after I lost five undermine, knows anything about getting over divorce. In my mind, what it's like to have a half a billion dollars and then have nothing to me, sounds like you. Can you come back from the right and he's like Billy drilling and armies expecting might feel all this was it MIKE Tyson goes listening. However, I have a friend. There are billions of kill themselves with family the billion. If they have everything may a plane, they have yachts, they fucking kill themselves how it I have something so much more than five hundred million dollars. Now that I'm like, oh, my god, what a place to get too to be at peace having lost their into actually recognise that you could have way less
the no money you can be a billionaire, have no love and have no optimism or anything. This is very power. Yeah I mean it hits harder because it's coming from that five percent guy. Totally outweigh hit hard and that's why I feel, like those people have so much power if they looking way naturally actually make that step to be courageous. You now beyond pull back the curtain a little bit all away money ripping off the roads, the I'm sure, even MIKE Tyson, when you put that belt on for the first time at nineteen or twenty or whatever he did, and he brow he assumed all of his fears would evaporate. And that moment- and they certainly didn't you can't- There'S- has no fixing the internal stuff with external sure things. Unfortunately, her I met him once and I remember that when we had a restaurant bar for about a year is very scene it can. He came in and I walked up to him said hey. You know my my cooks, love you.
It would be amazing, he looked at me. Is it surely went back there any spent like half an hour with those guys and they were they were like paying their pants and, as I hears of like a real do now. I also ask that couple the people, not the name but actors in contact them- you had to go through their people, trying to give them a drink or get you know, host them didn't work beer. You know who does hold out, though, is Matt Damon. Ah man occurs a bright okay, so mad Damon came in and I'm saying that Damon because I M not talking share applauding him because he came in and he hung out with us after the club sat in the little VIP Airstream trailer. Remember it's just meet him in the promoter and he was treating me like. Went high school together and he had no reason to do that. Never thinking to myself, while these are he's, got his real guy
He actually is who he is, and he says you know he doesn't come as as someone who is better than you or posturing. So again he would be a good example of the five percent and his power isn't hurting people, but it is that he has an alpha status. Small users and I'm in love him and he's got. You know that, but but holding up in showing a humanistic side to him to some one that he doesn't know, and it also not been documented right Zonia. They say that what you're doing with no one to watching that. Thank me as I. Well, that's that's a stand up. Guy the Arthur Christianize therapist says the same. He says all the time, which is do something nice for somebody and don't tell anyone yeah yeah, I have a. I have a little man sheet on the back of my book and he's in he's in there because of that story really yeah. So you had many many chapters, but is there it's a sixty
six do's and don'ts starts make it very simple, but I want to be careful on that providing a checklist. This all relates to my story and there's going to be things that you don't agree with, and I stayed down on page one. I always bring it back to my story. You know I don't like try not to still use lye. Should I use Loctite statements right, oh great, what what what? What what's next? What's the angle for you? Do you let yourself fantasy about that? Are you just going with the flow I'm going with the flow HUN from the universe? I've kind of feel like I've come full circle where I finally have the ability to let go. I believe that when I was in my thirties doing so well during the whole club thing in the screen, writing all this. There was a lot of opportunity that almost happened, and I think if they did, I would be the the douchebag in the Ferrari and people are in the wrong. I think that needed to not happen
and what s interesting about stories in the universe is now instead of screen, writing a rainy books and blog. So the writing has continued. It is indifferent format. Will this is Monica great sentence that she learned from her grandma witches love who loves you back level, thing that loves you back and it wasn't like you wanted me, my grandma yourself. I do not imagine Alice accident. You said that you and I know she dinner. That was already there is somebody I heard it somewhere, but love the thing that loves you back in serve your singular, driven on a singular, go right. Your eyes are pretty close to possibilities, boss, melodies and also realizing? Where your wanted. What what what you're saying or doing that I actually people are interested in and it's it's a horde switch of your goal, oriented person, I certainly Anthea to get to a point where you're, gay or on the right
or in the rivers going in one direction. You allow yourself to go with it in that see that diversion as a failing red is much adjust, stain, open minded and, and also maybe absolutely insist great to acknowledge it. You dont know herself as good as you think you d write, but you don't actually know what's best for you, I just in my own life, so many things I didn't want to do turn out to be the best thing most of things I that went exactly as planned did not yield the results. I thought they were going to its idea of not find universe magazine. You know, like movie there's always set ups in your life and we don't know what they're gonna pay off. You know, dear boy, I love it. John you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. I wish you a ton of luck on the bug again. Thank you. It is called I used to be a miserable fuck, a man's guide to a meaningful life. I couldn't say cuz. Of course I don't say yeah well, thank you, John Peggy Browning
and now my favorite part of the show the fact check, with my soul maiden Monica bad men. All I wanna do is Jack Sound, fair god of me. Let him out, he only won't allow honour. Do, is Jack, sound facts, I gotta be learned. The party has just begun it, someone right man they're dead, who was really did for some reason. My screen capture doesn't doesn't say now dog whoever you are thinking and we love you. I love you, we have so much, not least ever real well written fact check song. Why TAT S governance? The insecurity
is what it boils down to years that there is running out of steam as getting annoying boys. All your comes Alison employees then made me and secure his eyes like. Oh I'm, not good enough for a song. No, no, no, no zones trainer give folks the best show possible, which means not not giving you well. I'm talking about me no No. No, no, no kidding me here, wait a minute now. Are you the best part of the show you're going nowhere? Sunday morning again, the early in the morning we have a blog day ahead. A birthday party. We ve appending birthday party. Also, your joining me work next week. That's fine. We're doing is on the weakens cause. I'm shooting to tv shows. At the same time, aha in in one of those
Tv shows bless this man I'll be there and you'll. Be bossy me around think so, which is what you do best I now I was born the player. I feel bad for other people. Auditioning says like that having lost me around for four years, and you have yeah, I had a leg up, be really did the next time. We were cord this really there be celebrating yeah, I got fired yeah, that's always an option. Well, it is all is an option, but not in this case. I am I'm getting nervous saga. That's your new pattern, though you like to think you're gonna get. I heard what are you I marcy? Oh, I just do think that I now, but it's not gonna happen. I did think that for that commercial I didn't get fire, but they should
fired me because I found at a horrible. I had a horrible cold, I sounded bad, but doing maybe they just forgot what your voice sounded like narrow listen all over, but I guess that's her voice, meaning that they Brighton think you had a bowler something didn't you know what that commercial hasn't aired to know that it was so bad. They had to shelve yeah yeah. Why we have such use was our brains are not healthy? Not a portion of our brain is out to get us all day. Long train itself constant law were sleeping. It's it's just preparing its attack, it straight gee. I now at a lower name and maker makers, Hager ourselves, air vulgar thing. We have each other yeah as we you point out, one I'm being observed yeah. I guess that's why I need a network of evil
by the way when I was listening to our Thomas Middle there I love when he does his English acts right yeah I mean what a leg copy has those parents were or Brit? He grew up in a Europe hearing that sound. Although I grew appearing indian accent, I cant do one never tried both about well, then he had no land or even try eagerly in your bedroom bank ma. Am I really I'm not good at it? really really, but also Don't want to be good at it, so it's a catch its who knows it's a camera bodies. Do you think of you were really great at it. You couldn't resist the urge to make people laugh. That would be me. I would like our disgrace. My whole family. If I thought I could get a laugh at the moment As you know, I already don't think it's funny right. He forget all arrive, so I don't know I wouldn't do that. I also I'm not good at
at all, not british one, oh, not even really. Southern and again, however, there is a little the sad, but I think it has to do with you think it's a part of my brain, that's faulty and I think it's the same part that makes me unable to like recognise music, ah okay. So when a song starts, it takes me like a while before I like, recognise the song reduced curious that you don't have a southern action at all, like no no residual at all yeah beset common in Atlanta, yeah yeah. I know I don't have any because it so suburban, it could be. No one could have been anywhere you're but like, like he's, got the best accident. Do you from Nashville?
yeah, but Nashville. The city is is far more southern than at Lana Atlanta. The city is like not, you know, is not solved more city like her, I would say, Well, I would love it if you cause your mom's got a pretty thick survey, acts rubber member. I didn't even know then told me yeah right when I within in three words of meeting her eyes like ocean got a nice the southern acts. I love it yeah. I like gaining the current challenges. What year your brain is used to, like I used to work with a guy at GM, who is chinese first generation and he was from Texas and he had a real southern action here, and there was just a lot of fun. Unmet expectation is indiscriminately yeah some decent. You like me, I think that's what comedy is also of yeah yeah. So, let's find out something fun is Wabi wipes out here right,
he's vacationing somewhere, we don't know where no just took off. Leaders vanished, like Keyser so say, oh and so you're doing all the textiles. It's really fun, but also you're, a little nervous and shutting down which is natural cause, I'm not next to it tat. You have a lot on your shoulders. You of the fact check you gonna, be fine, an interesting and dispel the share erroneous claims share. Linear, also, gonna run this whole board over their home, and I have freely is on my super food out there. You don't really dress for the occasion like you should be in cover. All's I like to back this is the man that way you know comedy. Ok, John Camp near so he when his family moved over. There were one the Columbus Georgia for a few years and Columbus is aware. My cheerleading state competitions, oh really lies years. Here they are
every year. What makes them so perfectly suited to host the state championship. Do they have a beautiful arena? There's something I am yeah, there's a big stadium, there. I goose yeah who founded bad, is called like the the young boy, my brains out where the checkers Stadium, you know. I really associate checkers fast food with George examples. I regard it when I was younger yeah, which is all oh rallies, or did we have a fight about this? I don't believe it is, and I, although the reason I think you think that is because they both have a breaded French try but which is so delicious rallies french rise, an checkers are breaded there. So I don't think that's why, because I've never been to rallies or you have now ok, but I just thought that lake. I thought that, based on knowledge that they were the same and that it was just regional, why once called one thing and the others come another thing.
We also thought that about crystals and White castle, and you will know idea and also what what rallies is associated with, which is really confusing to me as Harvey's. So now our railways, rallies and parties. Now those were two distinct different hamburger chains. When I the kid emissions they bore no resemblance to one there, but they have somehow merged. Oh, isn't interacting hardy. This was also equivalent to something else. It reminded me of the best one of the best periods. My life Aaron Weekly, my best friend, worked at parties were for a little men and he was the cook of in so would come in, and I would order like a single burger, first,
zero dollars and sixty cents, and he would make me a triple cheeseburger like a special burger. No one else got ya. You give me about two dollars and thirty: nine cents worth of food for zero dollars and sixty nine cents was so great, and then you just shovel a bunch of fries in the bag. That's about the best job. A friend can work at school all. I really want. It was just fast food in a ton of it. Tangier rules on a budget sure ruin the parties and drop nine dollars on a triple cheeseburger, and did you have some sort? of experiment Eridu you here and now, I think they You know he was always sixteen or seventeen. Now I gently the funny thing is about going back to Michigan and I always forget it is that teenagers run all the restaurant yeah in Georgia, yeah, not all the restaurants, but a lot of young people working at these places. Yes I'll, go and do a ghastly.
At one a m in Michigan, there's a damn fifteen year old, managing the hope. I am I always think, like this person so ill equipped to deal with some kind everything how merchants yea. Like you know, many parents in Michigan received a call at one, a m from their fifteen year old going. Oh, my god, I'm I'm running the mobile gas station at a pump just exploded. What do I do? I do anything they call their parents, fur slurry, snapper manager, finally get mom and dad on the phone Maude I. What does a man in the store without his pants on that's again, you're, going to see a law for share, I'm leaving damn depends walk on a fifteen year old Europe yard is. I would I love that just gathering different bizarre experiences, yeah propagating held up I now will they play, make the right decision, which is it just fork over the eighty dollars,
in the register. I hope so I don't wanna buffeted it's just a piece of paper in a register. I can't think kids wouldn't do that. They wouldn't know lake just a cooperative. They get to nerve and yet no money all over the floor and the person who think that was a stalling decoy, but that they tripped silent law being right, ear, asylum, alarm of Mobile gas station anyways. So yes, that's where I one mile of victory. Ah flora, banning their sent you to nationals; no, they don't have a national dialogue. We are allowed to go because it s a tease court. I told you that, as the vessel, it seems Gore year as a state, but as it is called when he saw how so Georgia's state say tee mean was so well yeah. They won legacy,
PETE National yeah, and now I'm wondering if I arrive on, but I am print that was doubly what we were told that was, the rumour owes No, I'm saying now. Maybe that was a rumour, maybe I didn't. I didn't know the truth, but we he will not. We were not allowed to go. Any further state was the highest you could do in Georgia at that time. I'm gonna, flowed another idea tat. The nationals was sponsored by Sunkist. There was trying to promote orange consumption in Georgia. Is the peach stay and they didn't want a competing fruit sounds most likely. Yeah doesn't sound like what really happened. Yeah. I think I just can't imagine punishing. I bet the median as eighty score on the cheer squad was probably I'm fine newspaper. I punish those kids I now, but I think I had to do with the sports across the board in Georgia
again unless it was the specific athletes like a hundred more by the way. I don't really understand, but the way they like the football players have never to point out a play right aids, you think, as being always that has its tomorrow evade individually. Yes, I do think it's bad either. We need to watch the three seasons of last chance. I watched it. Here's I don't agree with it. Some of these kids that are showing up these colleges have come from these tiny little rural communities where they really have a fourth grade. Education, yeah and this football thing is the only good thing- and I worry, is their only chance at going through a college in doing this thing and then you're you're, just holding them to a standard of all these other kids. It went to good schools who had parents who helped him study all this stuff. So all you do is you taken? Some was already completely disadvantaged
near in your taking one more thing away from them into what end don't get me wrong. I understand the theoretical thing winches. They should leave here, at least within education, yeah that let all in practice it means- is they just leave immediately, so they get nothing amending the kids that are going to get to point and above are gonna, get it anyways and then you're, just gonna kick a bunch of kids out who can barely read. This is one thing they could possibly excel at yeah. Ok, so I looked up why the term oriental is offensive and in two thousand and nine New York Governor David Patterson, trying to build a ban state documents from using the term oriental when referring to people of Asia, Pacific Heritage and Jeff, Yang and Asian Pie
comment columnist, columnist, the others handed we'll drop the year that there really here I'll miss you have for the San Francisco Chronicle did little interview about this, and he said I think history really does play a huge role in this. It's a term which you can't think of without having that sort of the smell of incense in this out of a gong kind of in your head, and you know beyond that. The cultural baggage that comes with it, it's something which has been associated with racist campaigns, was dear typical, imagery anal. Frankly, it's not a very precise term when you think about it. Orient its Orient translates into east it's a term that feels Oldfield antiquated and for it to even be kind of contemplated, occasionally in a casual usages, something which Asian American certainly feel
uncomfortable with South Yard, totally understand them feeling uncomfortable with it. It should be avoided, but but I'm I'm glad to hear that I'm not wrong, and then it just is the opposite of Occidental right, doesn't Occidental mean West in oriental means: EAST accidental means. Last year, oh, I should know Jack that undergo volume. Almost positive occident on Oriental are opposites relating to the countries of the west, the AU cool. I didn't know that you there's an accidental college. I right yeah any new yeah yeah. Well, I guess it was is interesting. Words power that we give them and then also land that age they pick up here. Is that you
starts as a straight definition: private sprite, latin in origin, but then it gets used in a pejorative way. For so long he had a ditch the word yeah there definitely powerful. Aren't we talk about that being a lot on here? It's funny because I'm at both times I can relate to the people on both sides, so I do believe Ets, boy will say: Asian was wrong, it'll evolve, and I think we were like what do we have to say now. So I do understand the m. Even we deal with this all the time like mental retard Asian or mentally disabled. It's all. This same thing, you're, saying in a positive manner, judge men all way. The just feels like ok, we're just gonna keep using a different word, but I you knew my intentions the whole time, but that measures at the other part first part is yeah. There's always gonna be change. Yeah things
involve an expectation that things aren't. Gonna change is actually not realist, yeah and you just have to accept that. There's gonna be change all the time and it yeah. You know it's not a personal attack on you. And things of olive and change- and that is the nature of Yasser realisation, yeah and if you Our intention is to be positive. Then it shouldn't bother you when you hear. Oh, that's not positive, because then you can just change. The ring in your intention is the same witches I'm just trying to communicate about this touch this person or this race. Or this thing it shouldn't be annoying to hear that that's offensive, because if you are in
it is good that we are in a light. Is it matter away what the word ass? The I guess we came up against this personally the other day because I referred to on the pod cast someone being transsexual. Now when I grew up, the responsible thing to do is to know the difference between a transvestite in a train sexual organs vested with someone who dressed like a gender, then the one they were originally associated with as a baby, and then Tran sexual was someone who had gone through some level of gender reassign air jury and someone's that I couldn't say transsexual, and I did for a minute, have this thought of like no? No, I actually the time to learn the difference between the Bob and I used it correctly, but then either or maybe now you can't say too. I don't know- and I did have a moment of like oh- this is frustrating I I would have to like dedicate time disdain abreast of all these different words. But to your point, big deal, I after
they abreast of vat? Even you have to stay a brass, didn't you say it and someone said actually can't say that than you gonna say: ok and the next time you don't say it: it's not like. You have to go out, searching for every correct thing all the time, but you, when somebody tells you in some and brings it to your attention the great now you know you're, we can't know breathing. No, we can't know everything, but we from drowning open exactly. You can be open to hearing from other people, the Earl and adjusting. Why do I found myself onto it has. I was actually referring to someone you Zol point was how rooted is for people to ask trans what I would have said before transsexuals, whether or not they ve had their genitals change. Do what seems to be a huge curiosity of people, our hearing it, and I was pointing out that those wrong then, even in doing that, I had someone thought I did wrong, but inside
I found myself pry the wrong move. Anyways live and learn. Oh he s an interesting question which we kind of blue over her, but he said was the female equivalent to boys dancing as he sang boys it we're gonna dancing is like a universal attraction for females in what is the option than you. A joke. Sang debate should just be breathing or something funny, but I wonder if there is a real thing like that, what do you think the or do I do think guys also find women dancing very stimulating and attractive, because what dancing really imbued needs is confidence, and I am sure we all agree. Confidence is very attractive. I know ok, yes, I think it is to a healthy person. Men. I kind of thing I've been thinking lately that maybe it's now
and all that? Maybe if you yourself are unhealthy, are super in secure like you are, you want a yearning rapid to that site, really bad, but may be that you it makes you feel better about yourself with somebody else is equally insecure or more so, while I could see someone who's a bloke pathological country a freak in wants a partner who they can control manipulate than that would suit. Yet they would not be going after someone, who's got a lotta, confident re, but anything conventionally, I found this to be meet anecdotally. True, you match up self esteem. People seem to match up the apples on their own self esteem and that's what I think. It's dicey released chapter one person's taking a lot of actions to improve their self esteem, maybe physical fitness and are the many vague outgrow, the other, the partner
living. One of the elements is the other may now have different self esteem. Only have different self esteem. You see the world differently re like when one scenario, you kind of feel like a victim to the world and another one. You you're, like maybe of some kind of sway over the world. Right now I can see those being incompatible world views yeah, but I still think that, what's goin on an approach, primitive sense is like a chimpanzee troop. Is it a troop boy should know that? That's embarrassing. I think everyone's trying to get with as high status of a person as they can an confidence reads a status. I think you now gathering, I mean I think, that's what's going on in the reptiles him brain that you're, not even aware of re is like who I would like to be with the highest at his person. That's within my realm of getting course you can overcome that
overcome that I, like. Maybe it says someone is not high status, but then I got to know their personality. It was intoxicating and I didn't think about it. What do you mean by status you now put in order in your social circle? Licking junior high, you know, there's pretty obvious, whose higher status and whose law whose status is kind of I mean that's like Burma observer. I highschool right, who would be there's also really smart people who in other ways would be too, but they are not in the same way and not so, I think, there's more variation sharp little little like modular groups within the bigger group. Here. I also think attraction is so much about how that person makes you feel about himself, so status can,
while the window, it's why it's why successful people are are with not successful people. People are always like why's that person with them person it's, because that person is making this person feel very good about themselves, but then that comes full circle serve the kid. been your fourth grade class, who everyone knows, eaters, Booker's, Uneath glue. He tells you your pretty it. It doesn't make. You feel the same way as the most desirable guy telling you. You look pretty that's trail which still bear the air, but I do think there, your beer, You're, going out of the sky AIDS is progress that stupid early, want somebody runnin around eating glue and even their buggers and stuff around you get that it would simply is. You know, someone's opinion that you're pretty someone's opinion like, but yeah. You won't count that
go ahead as meaning that AIDS is bloggers and glue. You now he's evenings books these good. So if I'm ready, you know they meet love, taste, good evenings, buggers, ace good, so things are non. Pretty person is pretty right, exactly area, so I guess you're saying dancing. I wish there was a. I do think we were or way less discerning though I am well. I think it's so physical for you, boys, yeah, I'm proud of myself that that was not the case. For me, I mean granite like Rainy him and was the prettiest girl, my junior high, but she had a kick ass personality is the best hide
number and are gonna county. He sat down and then carry our girls had the best personality of anyone who old like Michigan, and she was a firefly he's also cute, but I mean there were there were girls ass cute that I have seen in trust him because eight they weren't spitfire yeah. I was like the party: don't really have a blast with just sit in a restaurant. Haven't coffee ripe, you're talking about you, so more daring urgently validating the embassy. Staring at some pretty for me, where's our real, quick yeah. I need to have a like in engaging fun, challenging conversation or Try make each other laugh, which is not to say, didn't dates, some dumb ass as our hogs. I also did there s also had sex with a bunch of them
Oh sure, sex is a different kind of ass one man, but that's a trend that is pure your action vermes it I didn't, have sex with anyone nearly Jubilee year. Certainly when I drank more sherry when I drank email skies dilemma, do you find when you get drunk their people it more attractive to you know really know. That's a thing I mean. I know everyone gets like lose, sir, when their horny yeah they do. That does happen, but it's not directed at like I dont people become more attractive. All they know, I'm trying to think. I would avoid friends that I, like, do not find them attractive, but I'd be hammer, and also MR that is attractive, and this will be a new be a thought I only had one hour's hammered, but then would instead would like after the next day, renewing or now I know you're like found yourself.
He was a man of your friend you out and then the knows why your lap and the next morning, when you so really was funny I was thinkin, Sounds- was hot. I don't really think that. The idea that has been that has probably happened. It's hard to say is mainly thinking back to lake when I was Much younger haulage yeah, and I think at that time I was like hoping everyone would be attract like I wanted to be a warning. Everyone I just wanted to somebody,
so I would always like ghosts forcing my brain to try to see them as attracted by din and right. So it's hearted differentiate, who I really was attracted to an who I just wanted to be attracted to you- are now the up there, but I don't have any more and I'll. Have that thing, I'm like hoping somebody's more active in a conversation right yeah can you I owe is christian. So. Why is he half asian? Yes, his fathers of japanese dissent from Hawaii and his mother is caucasian cultures. I guess all so he's half oriental just kidding these have Occidental how these have see have ory honour percent. Until there is a hundred percent and told them
I'm hungry Shui leave did the dukes it has remodel. Car have a confederate flag on it, yeah sure of our huge one, I saw absolutely the gent. While you can't name a car, the General Lee RACK and not put a rebel flag rule under its own brand. Yeah, maybe like name in the car. They Adolf Hitler not put a swastika. Where I got your call in the car. They Adolf Hitler, I'm sorry, but it's it's gonna, probably have a swastika if you're calling apply that you're, not my. I think I've talked about this already, but you it's funny. I am obsessed with all these different historical figures me and I've. I read the grant biography was he's Esperanto famously one, those of war for the north, and I kept listing reading a book about Robert E Lee,
because I'm on his yeah this side of history I now and the end. I finally did read a biography on him and Cooper, fascinating guy and just an incredible is a tactical genius, and it is really funny that I had the like: have a hurdle yeah to enjoy hearing about his life. Here. That's ok! you cannot have interesting looking to have some more all your but of ours. Reading about the Visigoths general who overthrew Rome! I just I have no connection to that, so I can just read about history and enjoy yet ever than antagonist of that story here also interwoven with racism in slavery, not, as has been said what happened with General Lee has still having in fact every day you, but
were you know if I read about an egyptian Pharaoh, the implicit in that is, like you know, millions of slaves building, but I would I would guilt free dive into king to ten common biography yeah. I guess it's just sour lived a fail from afar yeah yeah yeah. I guess I don't see the daily baggage or wreckage from that to ten common air yeah, but I do so. You know the disparity in America. Yeah go so you're taking our relationships, and you said if you're looking for it to be easy odds. Are you didn't pick someone you respect, but I just want just in case somebody's and a great marriage in its super easy. I dont them to feel like ya, know now I've now and then they divorce them, and it's all your fault. I go too far with some loosely for sure. That's why we fact check here, because it's not a fact no. I walked out back. Ok, I think that when we
John Gottman On- and he was talking about then sizing and watching these couples and stuff- and I was not this cause- I said oh, this looks like. Maybe this is just a person only thing who I rise on our concern that I can genius Kennedy was a requirement yeah and then he said he said agree ability is the component which makes a marriage really were aha, and so he said, if you aren't and agreeable person, you probably should partner with an agreeable person. So I think your marriage could be easy if you just have that balance struck well,. Oh, no, you look easy is probably not true. I don't think anyone's relationships are easy. Knowing you I think in any world, you would be happy with some
on highly agree or by no that's what that was my point. When are we the females like lime, doom Buzz Christians, not highly agreeable at all, and I'm not highly agreeable at all cursing and it is in her normal, but not with me. You see that first hand. There's no agree ability. I don't, I don't think that's true. You dumb. I think she thinks she comes to the party she just saying. Like surgery, yonder's ring on almost statement, I met challenges you but she's. Not. I feel she never doesn't hear you ok yeah, but I don't think that's a complete. I agree with you. I do because it just feels like people are talking and exploring, it doesn't feel like. There's a fight or a disagreement mean sometimes sure, but in general
I feel like she's. If I come home and I tell a story about getting in a fight with a parking attend arise which just happen the ass, I was there yet she immediately goes. She does I'm bored with that's like an agreeable person, be like, oh I'm sorry had. Then you got revved up. I now hope you dont get a ticket tomorrow, whatever she's like that, purrs energy immediately started walking me through a narrow she didn't. I I promise, because I was sort of expecting that that was my reaction. Right was like hello Doing this person is, has a job. You do not want correct, and is and they have an obligation to write tickets. Were people parked illegally? As the job description said, this is my tap at its edge. She was very much like. I think that discussion also experienced the frustration of trying to drop them off at that school which rarely and piling. I never want to deny its economic area so problem, but maybe in that situation, but in general,
like a moment, s story where I got into somebody, farewell media general responses, like you shouldn't, have got into it with anybody. but you know this is not. None of this is fair to anyone, because Normally, when you get in a fight with somebody on the street and by the time you ve told other people, you are including the fact that you were wrong all right, but already come to that conclusion by the time you're, even sharing it. No one has to say to you like: well, listen. I don't think that leaves super smart of you to do, or nice bureau saying I feel really badly about this young, so she's saying like yams the thing, I'm sorry that happened I've I think she literally may be said those exact words when you told that parking storm yet ends. But that's me because you are you are already there anyways. I don't think she's very agreeable.
I don't think you're very agreeable now nothing, I'm very agreeable and I think you'll be very happy with some disagreeable man. This figure out how to disagree peacefully, yeah yeah, you would just be bored I now I know you and I are the same. You actually want someone to agree with you. Not appease like the goes believe they have a similar him. You know not just appease, you are placate ye. I dont let some terrible yeah, I'm speaking of my future. Then he told her really my story: Bout Matt, Damon Young. I was proud of them. Do you like that are excited for I'm so excited further New Matt Damon Movie Keynote this Gonna come and our two loves. What they're telling the very AMOS story about Henry Ford, the set
and being in a public feud with Ferrari? Oh well, building the G T, forty just to beat Ferrari Lamar and they're telling this historical story met demons in it in christian pay, most embarrassing, bow Ike. That is no excuse me. I didn't know about their two movies and look forward to that. In the turn. Tina movies come on our way and us, Jordan, peels us want to see us three movies. Well, that's it yeah, I'm John Kim search engine kin. I love you great job, doing the attack an opinion. Thank you.