In Part 2: Monica and Jess Love Boys who like Christmas, M and J have one solo episode (before they bring in experts) where they dive deeper into their histories. They discuss their experiences completing last week’s challenge. Jess lived in fear all week that he ruined his challenge and Monica adds “needs to like Christmas” to her list. Jess talks about having secret moments in his youth with other boys while openly having a girlfriend and Monica goes through some of her boy-crazy artifacts. The two discuss feeling on the outside of normal and craving experiences just to feel “in the club”. They realize the amount of similarities in their backgrounds. Jess and Monica give each other challenges to complete by the following week.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Aye aye Monica a k, a miniature mouse. I love boys, but I dont have one and in fact I've never had one. I could problem count on two hands. How many days I've been on in my entire life- and I decided it's time to change that hard yes and I love boys to and in the opposite way of Monica, count on all the hands in America, how many people have had sex with, and yet I still don't have a boyfriend, and I want one and I'm Dax, and I love Monica and just in so many ways they We have partners, and that is a huge mystery to me, because they're both incredibly attractive so fond so smart and have so much to offer so we decided to do, was examined these unhealthy patterns and bring an experts and outsiders to help critique us. Advise us guide us pretty much called
oh shit on us, so that we can find the romantic companion that we're looking for we started this thinking it was going to be just Q little dating challenges that we would go on and talk about and laugh about turns out. It is very hard to be vulnerable in real time in public, so excited or so long. We were meant to size. Pathological wondered at how much you want love God. You can't even get the sentence out. I would just eat around it's a little self, and why do I want something? And then why have I decided to? We must put the chairman, the water, for the sharks to come by Monica like so. Apparently I have to join Riah sweetly legs. You don't even have a kiss a hear anything until low budget in the warehouse a broad, okay, tat, what you should be doing serene every night? Bribes to income for this and please enjoy part two Monica.
just love boys who, like Christmas, manage star they dont like while I welcome to second instalment of Monica and just love boy he's been I'm days has a benign, and this is the first time I haven't seen you in may be. Ninety living is, are you once with railway area? We are like yeah, we checked in a little bit and then you really don't talk about it. He actually had their way. Yes, so let's Roma
everybody of our challenges. So what was your challenge given to by MR deck Shepherd? My dad gave me challenge, to write down ten traits in a future partner that has nothing to do with looks or sex right and then I was only allowed to go on one date and not have sex for seven days yeah and it also been nine days just to let you know any day. I have a lot. I want you to start yeah. Did I didn't I didn't you didn't? I I did an amazing job. Yes, did you do the exact thing you know soon, as I left this thing all this anxiety came up like chatting with nine guys, I'm seeing Are you guys a text coming in it was very eye opening how much time and for it, I'm spending on these acts and how much I am you know talking a different people in the
clause or in the realm or what is in the thing of finding love, but it was very the pursuit and finding love, and I started thwarting. I started saying no and I read my ten traits which are quick, witted, flirty spontaneous present, healthy, curious kind, optimistic, secure and charming, and the third guy. That I had been on a date with already sporty and he works nine to five and he doesn't drink a lot and he is a smart and very opposite of me. He's very Taipei he's very organized and I go cake he wanted. have a sexual encounter with me, and I said now: let's go to sushi and we did I went to sushi and it was really nice and I learned about his job. It was nice and it was an interesting date, but I had already had sex with them
though it was Mary it was, I felt comfortable and felt nice and then Miss had sex offer many had sex after yes, ok, I actually don't think in the challenge. You are forbidden to have sex with the one day person ogre. Really, I sums up I had so much in Zaire. Monica I was still in my trainer. I go, she might cancelled, go you know in ITALY, It was so hard varying aired and I'm not never been. Never been scared of you like until now, because this was like exciting for me like fourth eighteen hours a week. This was something I was looking forward to and then It was so difficult. I was really really bringing me back. to when I was thirty one I lost or Virginia like. Oh my god, I have no balance of my I have one I'm rolling over and checking these acts in the middle You know in the middle of the night or that I'm on
so much, you know that up. That shows you how much you're on something I need that, because this challenge was the underbelly of it was very triggering for me. As far as my my balance and and it was really really really interesting and I didn't feel good a lot of the time. I don't feel their line of these people and I didn't feel good about how much attention I've been putting into these. Have somebody that's already oak, first of all, good job? a browser? You thank you. Secondly, you should be scared me and fur No one said you had delight anybody. In fact, I think you should never have lied to anybody. I think when people are texting you you can say I'm taking a little break. Rapid, that's Lanka's. I wanted have sex with, but that's not yeah you committed, disarm, correcting and endured just doing back now, but lying would be like. I can't I have other plans which is Polly. What you say is I ve said I said every
from the Gambia. I think I had planned to like were or Yamlang mean all these things are true railway, you it is making use of. But my point is you don't need to make excuses but you're doing you're just trying to make health your choices and you don't need make. excuse for their rights, while the two other guys I actually had been I'd, gone on dates with them. They were, they were sexual days. They were like. We'll get a drink or two and then we go have sex. Witches is, but that wasn't that's something I do I challenge maybe do something that I don't do all the time which is dealt with my age range- is already in a nice, indifferent and granted. I don't feel a lot of butterflies, yet really really like what you said about. The challenge was one thing, but you ended up learning something completely different about the way you bend time in your life. When I have an improved as for when I have to write my best man speech or when I have to you know, do something that is created
outside. I do not spend that much time on these things. It's I dont. What is there is a saying, idle mines at all. and that item I don't Billina, says well I have a lot of free time and I get mischievous well and it seems like perhaps its becoming apparent that these people are band AIDS for other things or their replacements. For other thing, that you feel like. Maybe our miss saying yes, and it's like- ok, don't have this, but I can have this brain now, the guy on timber and yet a lot of you Traitor wrote down, ok and we were chatting and it was really cool and he was good looking and he was age appropriate and he goes Gimme. Your instagram and I normally dont like to do that because I feel like it speeds thing, but I go in lieu of this challenge. I'm like, let's do something I normally don't do and I go ok and I
my instagram any blocked me immediately. He did and it really really down YAP horse and it brought up a lot of things the gay community eyes think which is masculine feminine and in my inscribed my two feminine or do I am I to masculine the first that the latest post I put up is me lip sinking to part of this by Jesse J which, as you know me, it is just a version of myself which I love and I think it's a killer. It lives, saying wonderful version of your site when you haven't met someone yet and you go through their whole instagram its in addition, you're looking to see why they're not gonna make it and it's very awful and it triggered even more because I've done that Of course, I've seen I've gone through peoples into remsen their stories and I'm like yeah, and so when he did it, I smiled I go been there, but it's it. It still stung yeah, of course,
oh no more and no, no, no, and let me tell you why this is extra upsetting, because, yes, it feels scary, it feels it you're putting so much out early if you're, giving someone or instruments like this is my whole life well and would also like don't get me started on what that means. Us you're here right at least right, but they don't even like that, but I wish we had to kill, or will we have a lot more apis now we may need to lose anyway, but he's going to learn those things about you anyway, and so like hiding those parts just means you're not being fully honest and that's what something we're gonna talk about. How to ride I rely has I think you should get to know someone at a pace that is healthy and not sped up insulin, needle of heroine of
as or whoever like you get to know someone, and then you on the third day like Gomangani, does is reared quirky thing, which I really like in its endearing going through someone. Instagram and finding every single thing that they ve done and their stand up jokes in their bids from movies it just like it's overwhelming. When you don't have the other party, balance it, which is how I'm in a room, how many engaging in Jerusalem, where one we're talking and yet I have I contact like those things. I am a hundred per cent myself on these dates like I am a hundred percent. I'm still in the moment, unlike this guy's a lot but he's also human, any kind of you know it's. It works more on paper, sitting in your living? Looking at something room, I'm just I just don't agree really. Well, that's true! It's easy to make a mass judgment bay. done these, while you're living in traffic rights like them? I didn't know connecting horizon thing. Yes, that's true, that's true, but if he doesn't like your lips, think does he's not gonna. Like you,
his name was now had only remember in that's. Ok that maybe that's not for him, but that is you, I'm so glad you posted that, because its eye soil good bye that post and the reason I'm leaving it up is because it bothers me still. I want to leave it up till it doesn't bother me yeah, because I have fallen into that masculine feminine, he's too gay. This is too guys to queen yeah he's too Pham, I'm I'm coming across So it's so in to show lies in the gay community me it's not good at especially at my age. I should we weigh more involved than that, but why do you think that all these sort of deep root I mean- I guess it it's just massage any up at the end of the day, her and it's all so we are triggered writhings Racine ourselves. So we see someone act to gay instantly. I go when was the last time I was too gay I now, but even the terms two guy. I know I'm just telling you yeah, where it is.
so self low there. I know and that's our community in that's. Why there's you know my friend just went to a meeting, he said there was nine gay guys to one straight guy in these areas cs. It is rampant how much self the loathing and shame those in the gay community. So what was the most fun in writing. Da none have been on the day on yours. is she day or like idle. I just liked listen. He has a lot of rules which, if I just do what I don't crispy rice and he looked like ok wise, I mean he's stuttered and he's just very particular about things. Which makes me laugh from usually two hundred those kind of people who are not in the end then one time. I don't even think I said anything funny any burst out thing like allow an illusion burst out laughing conference. He would it was. It was a pleasant date and felt very nice and healthy
you feel good after or no well, then you had sex it back. I know didn't, feel bad instantly. The next days when I'm like did I break Childs rubble like do. I have a problem, one can I not with that would be. The most scary thing is that this is deep rooted in a form of indulgence and addiction, which I dont want to really find out about or deal with really, but I will have do yeah and after a couple days, I did start feeling better, like this- is life and even contemplate aid like not lying to you, but, like just kind of I was nervous, but it was I ultimately at them the seventies. I was proud of myself, even though I did think I'd mess up a bit right right, Ok, so my and yes, I'm so excited so mine was to go on to date now for most people hearing. This will first of all I've. I've told a few people about this, and I would like just to challenge. Was this man? Was this
She bore like both of those sound, so easy. You know like into to most people these. are just easy, normal everyday things to do, and it is interesting as every time it would hear the reaction. I feel defence right. You know like very right leg, I haven't done things right or I'm not like other people with just cycles everything back to what I already believed about myself in in the first place, which is stopped me from doing all these things. I was just so interesting, but mine was to go on two dates in one week which felt impossible, but I did it so. Okay, I need to press this. We should both process this entire podcast, with I'm nervous that some of this is going to come,
off like a really taking advantage of people and that we are, you know, like kind how to lose a guy in ten days. Dilemma really. I mean a little bit like I'm about to be talking about these two, the humans that I met. God and I dont want to seem like I'm exploiting MA am or I'm using them for this chance. I'm not like. We are here to better ourselves. right here to grow, and these are things we want to be doing anyway. We just need the push. You know it's not like. I guess I use this person from own gain. I mean I am, I am saying all uses person for my own game, but that's in a positive way. I think, then, that negative wake him off its tricky. Its tricky I mean I'm gonna use pseudonyms pseudonyms suited in with that set. The first date was with this guy who I actually had gone.
out where the week before it was set up a couple that I used to know well and now has moved away. I saw them again at a wedding recently and we were talking about relationships, going through the all the patterns that are true, HU, an not true, like I'm so busy at another time. You know all the things that again our true but they're, not so true that it should be stopping me from exploring this stuff. It's just a defence mechanism really bet so anyway. I was hanging about dating and lack of sort of and then cut to two weeks later, the woman in the car- ball attacks, she'd exit me about something else, and then I read it. I responded than she texted back, ok,
This may sound a little weird, but there's this guy and then I stopped reading because I was in. I was in the middle of the recording and I was like I'll look at that later. But, to be honest, my first thought was the rest of that sentences and you should have them on your pie. past sort of trained. Now, do you like to get those tax and get back those email? So I was like expecting it to be that and then she texted a few days later and was like so I've been thinking about. I feel bad. I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position of the. What is she talking about? I forgot to responder, so then I looked and she was saying that she knew a guy out here and do you want me to give him your phone number? And so I was like? Oh no, I'm! So sorry! Yes, please do. Please give him my phone number. So a first date and it was fun we or their fur.
Three hours, and that feels like a good thing. I didn't feel sparky. can I o k, I'm not really feeling much here, but is very interesting and by enjoy talking to him in the end. Ok, and then we have this challenge your eyes now is like New NOME. I should go out with him again, because I should push myself. I would not have most likely because I kind of felt like well. I did it. I went on the date road and I checked up the list. Them that's done and I did it in I am better now, but that's not really doing anything does not really pushing myself at all. So I went on this second date with him and he again he's super he's so nice and entered staying and like it wasn't. It
didn't have anything to talk about. We did, but I definitely left and felt like. I just don't think this person is for me and then I feel very L and I understand what you feel guilty, but in your defence you feel guilty because you ve done this three times when you ve done it. What I am saying like if you ve done this a lot- and you know you heard my story last week- were- he just literally said this isn't a match while we're naked rye and then that like who got it and they put their clothes on leave like if you do it is, it I'm not ever gets a mile of the other end of the night by going on, but it is this isn't a match, and you know what
so K. That's gonna take a little bit of time for you to get to that place, but I also think you feeling sad or guilty is a great human quality. Yeah, that's true, I mean it's true and offenders being honest, I feel guilty towards him, but I also feel like am I doing right like em? I really here to actually give this person a chance or not, and I I am now we are. We are supported by Okcupid. We love Okcupid they have changed the dating game because you know why they actually match you with people your compatible with they like take the time to get down and dirty
yeah, yeah you're out your deeds. They ask you questions like. Do you try to limit your screen time? Do you I need to get there are you a morning her sanrio, you are what's a bigger turn on intelligence or We also hear some tips. The dating experts had Okcupid gave us, which we need a prime number. One know what's important to you, so that's good! You have to know yourself. I like that number two proof read everything good here, but typos are a deal breaker, seventy five percent of we'll say their less likely to respond as someone with the spelling stake in their profile. That's amazing. Ok, three, send a meaningful first message find something that you find interesting in their profile like a place, a visit, on vacation recently or banned. They lag and you know just
say, hey over and over in is not going to cut it and the reason we need to take these tip seriously is because Okcupid works. They are the number one dating at mentioned in the New York Times, wedding section, so stop them, I'm on other apps and go to the ab. Were you choose what matters Okcupid is free, so I don't even have to give you one of those super long urls with a code download Okcupid today and go on a great date this week and then tell us about that great person you met, and we just might come to that wedding. We are supported by twos. She too. She is an amazing unconventional gift for any one in your life, because everyone has an ass. Ok and everyone deserves the gift of two. She and you know what I had a tissue before we this pod carefully. Yes, I bought one because I was like you know what I focus on, that I gotta get it as clean as part of all. Arguably by her had a touchy all these years. Yet
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o o o o o one thing that was interesting. Is he didn't like Christmas or Halloween Rich and, and I look and he does not need to like those things- that's fine except I can't be with some one hundred bucks on earth. The Smiths will really what it is like any someone in the aged in life in the world and like like things that are happy thing is not self identify, as somebody who doesn't like rings words true. I was a good lesson about usin. He does you like Christian, and you have also worked thousand three ordered to, though, if I
because you on that I was at the mall. It don't coach me. I didn't want that to be a girl, it was three. I was another three, our date right think these are a little long fur for early date. I do to you mustn't happens, but I must leave you remember my first date with Gregg, though, and that when we talked about, I think it was forty minutes wrong. It was out of really quick. I d go to black. Is banks House in our. He had to do this forty minutes and it wasn't any sparks at all, but it was definitely ok. I don't know that was a little leave on wanting more. I hope I left him once more and I'm sure he thought the same thing, there's no right or wrong yeah. I mean it's funny because said that second data ok, let's get to that was last night and tat one got set up in a weird way.
it? So I am years ago met him very, very briefly, through friends out, like a branch, barely talking but met him and then recently that couple got married and so at the wedding he was there and I fell like he was kind of looking at me, but then I was like now he's not I'm totally in my head about them, It's not real and that's fine and he's very cute. I saw picture any weaker area and then I at the end of the night, was invited the bride and she was like did the person who wanted to talk to talk to you and I was like oh ho and then she said Tom Cress yeah, so then I said now we didn't talk in, and so there was an after party was that of the now
That was a virus, but I wasn't going go cuz. I was leaving very early to go back to. a friend's vacation that you on. I left that big. Can go to the wedding and I was going back to the vacation the next day, and so I was like I'm not going to go to the after party, but then when she said to the person I want to talk to you talk to you. I was like no. I should go to this after party and I should talk to him and There was such a struggle because I was like ha. I could do that I could go out on a limb and I could go this after party and I could talk to this person or I could go home and going up early and I could go back, my friends, my plan at my save plan, and I was really going back and forth and I went home.
How can you tell me I went? How do you know this further than I did is as a lot about that thing? which is your safe and friends that you love my life is so full and good yeah me it's it's so full and good until it's not right somewhere to addiction. The Dax talks about drinking. Like it only works until it stops working when you see when you hit the road block, that's like ok. I have all these things, my life's gravelly things, but I don't have one thing and one thing feels like a really important thing: that's miss! Yes, you know. Canyon ship? In that way you know so anyway, I went home. I picked my normal route as they are
is do the safe way to my friends, and I felt really regretful about that for a long time. I also thought he didn't live here. That was a big comply. I thought he lived somewhere else, so I kind of like well, you did it again so then I was talking to my other friends. I was telling her this four issues was like no, no, no, he lives here and that an open door. the whole thing Yan or I was like ok, so here's another particularly. Why should I take care, but it felt too
scary. It just really thought to scary, and I guess I d, I dont even really know of what leg the he wouldn't like me. I guess I mean I do have all these issues that have gone a lot better but come to the surface, and sometimes these types of conversations where I'm uncomfortable or like a kind of have this complex, where I wanna be everybody's number one and even in cases where it's like, I shouldn't be their number one like I really want you know, like is almost more fun when it's someone who I can do no hard to have hard to get all these things. I got his criminal, yes yeah I'd, say I'm always chasing unattainable. That's why I made these books of celebrity crushes cause. It was like I can't really have that room, but it's a safe, verge
an of whatever one else is doing in on it, and then the challenge us like in a way this is it this than I did reach out. My friend address phone number, texted, hair and eyes texted him along lines of about you. I united the Gue, lived here, but now I hear you moved here. Whichever want to get a drink and then going to take him to resign? Ok, I said that at ten a m Jennifer I sent a telegram, There really is ended, it tennis exam and then he did not respond all day and night. I started to cut panic, but also you like that. I'd really like day, I now I never takes, though, let's get you to like something. Let's get those motive running.
Whenever it is wasted, so wacky communicator, he was labeled wacky communitywide communicator in that gets you go and that whatever to get this, the motor running, I now, but it's no its, not just whatever gets marijuana. Is it why? Why do I like that he was not responsive. I liked again this this on attain is like a way he's, not bad interested in me. Obviously, because he's not responding a media base, So that's interesting. He doesn't like me that much! Oh ok, I come on what terms or day yes, and it was so. It was interesting because that day overlapped with the other date. So I was getting a lot of response from the first guy and juxtaposition to this lack of response? I was like this person needs too much
I know I know I know and it's not fair and it's not rule, but it's my own issue that leg if someone is showing me that they, like me site is unattractive, am I gonna get this? This is the root of this work psychologists. I now we're gonna by the way we're goin here. We're gonna, have also gonna have our mother on to give a moms perspective at some point it soon, but to get to the eye. What happened? Ok, as we had some text be enter and it was good and then we kind of like it turned to me giving him hens are where the day it's gonna be via Mogi only which was fine you. It was cures for him, and then I did tell him the mode you did. It
can it be happy hour, but I dont know that he understood my clue. Ochre bigeye one of you all. You ever have been dying to get that emerged. So then, the morning I was like blank at five o clock and then he was responding again, no regard for luxury emerging for them. Then he responded was I can we do like five thirty ash cause. I'm gonna have to debate of work, so I was like shore and then we get I get there and I had to leave at seven. So this is sort of similar to your grand day. It was like it had to be sure, wrote and then he called me he called me other fall or drugs
felt new and felt so two thousand and two which I like your favorite year. So he called and was like I'm running late, I'm running like twenty five minutes laotian because of traffic, and then he made a joke about having a real but he had to leave work when I d gone. a little and I had at first, I was like, like I don't like that, mainly because I think I'd belt defensible like oh. I have a real job revolver fuckin time, but then he could cause he goes. He said any kind of mumbled I why any goes just kitten, never mind that I like could hear it back at you, you as they are so he's a law resentful that he had to leave work and then and I was like well, I resembles the one way below
was that you could get? Therefore? Well that's true. Maybe all of it I don't know, and then I said well to be fair. I told you the mode you that it was gonna be happy hour and you as like Bedstead, that's just my files when we got there so as a short date. It was good He is intriguing fur sure. Did you ask him He liked Christmas. We might actually be my new bar. That's the first thing I Turks. We we send dick pigs, and size and girth and lives there. You guys that's a year ago. good now by what was in sing. He had it an indian girl friend before he told me about that, and I am now man. It sounds
tell me I just felt may reveal weird began- mean only fly we here. If I would tell anyone that my my ethnicity of my girl, that's exactly how I felt, but then I have. Might you know if it comes up? Gregg was have Cuban, have you no wide and then you know too was it really and jewish, and there came up a lot like that. He was a really like they weren't, like I I've data. That is someone like You then I know what you're saying in a well ordered me to check the tapes on that. I can see how you heard that I would really have to check the tapes are. So maybe I was hearing things up not really there at it. But this day was really interesting for me, because we also talked about our day in history and its common. I know that's like an so normal, but for some reason on my first day we didn't talk about that right. So this day I propose our talking about it. I look, I think it's Polly Good, to talk about these histories, but-
I don't like to its very uncomfortable Ronnie, because I don't really know what to say it makes me feel very violent. Hold it be like. I dont have a history to present to you got it it's scary, so it was much easier on this, but this other guy, because we didn't talk by an eye. You felt very confident their occur in this one. When once we are starting to talk about histories, I feel much less confident. Yeah, like oh boy, I'm a weirdo like I'm a weirdo, I've sort of nothing to say, and I had to say I had to say like I don't do this very often and I'm you know and he is like. So how long is your longest boyfriend of my colleague question the gnome jumping into your body there, an exchange, yeah, that's would terrify me yeah have to kind of sale. I never like I dont. Have never
add a real boyfriend when they say to me. What's your real age, exactly exactly, and so I you know told him it and there was a reaction real. It wasn't like he's like ok Oh yeah he's like really rise, surprised end in my fear. Base brain is like he's repulse or at rise we all are surprised, or at least to please probably like what is wrong with her. So then I feel that word diamond in the rug. Every giant as a diamond and about our eye. It is true, as I and the rough insisted diamond down there, but yes, so how flirty was it? I always ass. This yeah you do because I tend to flirt too much because I like it to be in the moment I like to have dates were not really giving
Reza Maize, we're in the moment about or I'd just say Your eyebrows are amazing, just like whatever if they are really. I want to be in the moment on this date and giving compliments or someone or grabbing their leg or whatever is very I'm very tact. I like that right. So was there any of that a little, not a lot more than this date. Number one got it, but not a lot. And yes, I felt, like I had two like defend myself a lot during that this steak I kind of had defend my history. Like oh. This is where I grew up in Georgia, and there is this this than this, and oh and men, the indian girlfriend conversation came up and then I fell like. Was in high school. I really felt like I was in high school again and I didn't want to be. India and I wished. He didn't see that and you know who's asking about like device,
Lee and like I never grew up doing that stuff and I must shine like still like distant and also that's true everything. I'm telling him is true, but that the emotions are very just taking me back to I felt so less than and would just so interesting. I haven't felt like that. So long we haven't got yourself. I haven't put myself in a situation too, so that we do you think that This is the second time now and I dont know about a lot of ST dates. To be honest, do you think? Maybe you can't say this- probably but because you're hot and really smart, successful that there's less flirting like I'm just thinking like if and you say I'm saying like they're more, imitated and this, this girl has more stature and I have to be a man.
peace in queues and then, if they went out with a twenty seven year old waitress, you know that you know cocktails on the weekends they feel like they can be more flirty. And touchy. Maybe me, I'm lonely untrue dates to decide what I now the second time, we're there very on their best behaviour, which is admirable and also, two thousand eighteen. So I think that this, the climate of all these guys might be but more reserved than me. I know I I dont know really, but I'm I'm picturing that rather than he does it think you're ah you know which on rising you don't think that butter. I was just at a thought that came up when two guys now are being a reserve yeah I mean I didn't think I don't know if you would like it if they were super flirty,
No, we don't know we'd go out. If I want to find you a gigolo, though I got a guy like I mean here's, the thing that I know I would like about it, confidence that they feel covering up to do yeah, yeah, yeah, sure and then we're getting into a slippery slope with, like. I guess me to like I guess like a you know, I feel weird saying like I want among common enough to sort of like touch me like that sounds bad it as long as I'm giving than this for that. I want that orse look! This is this all gets no risk. Conversation this world is so muddy and we are at a timer, were making everything so black and white, and it's like dull, kiss her unless she wants to be kissed and it's like for them. You leave you here
kiss. I m all its. It gets very like tornado, we in the way or processing other stuff, because yeah like I don't want to have to tell em like hey, you can touch me. No god do right, like I don't want to do that, and you: don't want to sit on the same side of the booth, either lie down as a now, and I think you don't want that because you want them to want to run their own and it feels like, if your tell, if is it you're kind of telling them to me too. If you're giving permission I mean, I guess you just an imperfect Roddy want everyone to be able to everyone signals, but that's also not reality and people misread all the time, and so you do to become a clear, but also how do you like leave room for fun and like romance and for tat? She were kind of asking people like remove flirtation. Know what that's why we have sex before the date.
I'm serious we're so relaxed. We just said so now we walked down to get some the EU. We have a drink or talking, there's no errors you been inside me like this now, but now I do want to know where you grew up. No, I do I'm not saying the way I'm doing this run. Align, I'm definitely not by any means, because it could justly to that one day in a lot of times it does, but then I was quite I'm asking about where you want to come, Look, I'm really want to know, because I'm already gotten laid it's not about this I'll tear your motive of what I'm trying to get out of you. So it's an interesting thought straight. People Monica just love? Boys is supported by better help online counselling, sometimes like the stressful and hard for everybody. We notice we got all
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the sexual side of spectrum, sure it's not like we're thing, all gay people fuck all day. No, yes, but we're talking about your specific dossiers, yeah it is, through that gay man, LA probably they have more sexes which Dan Savage was saying. Girls would do that too, if they felt safe hooked. How you not get emotionally like how you have EL emotional attachment once you ve had sex, and now I'm not I'm not I'm not like a deep emotional connection, but just like Chemical, these something does happen in your body, where there's an emotional connection. Now to this physical act don't feel bad. No, I think that's, but that might be the role of five thousand times some joking America. I do think it's a sport for a lot of us, it's transactional, but as far as oxy
Our current leg is higher, as has yet but girls, for you have sex with someone and then you feel linked with them. I don't have that right. Have you ever will yes, because with Gregg it was both, and it was amazing and it was the highest I've ever been in my life for that year and a half because we could have if he could have said, let's go to Jeffrey. but I would just been sure, like I just love to being around him and not even not sex granted, we had sex five to five times a week. It was a lot, but it was just like the holding hands would get me like him just reaching of we were at the german him just reached over and grabbing my hair. I would just like mountain, and that was a year and have in like so the fact that I loved him- and I had this sexual traction him and I looked I liked all of his personality traits was, like you know the matrix yeah we
Basically, we were each other's first loves yeah. You know we held hands in public which have never done b. I kiss Pimm in a straight bar which have never done. We'd wrote letters to each other. I felt like what people do in their first love in college. Did you feel like you were you I felt like? I was of very much memory, time a year and a half is still yeah. I was definitely myself, but I still wanted him. His approval yeah I think you changed element by the way. I don't think this is this is so overall, I think we all in any kind of relationship. Blake, I think show certain parts of our personality meal to other parts of our personality. When we're trying to impress a person, I'm I was vague, infer nine. My ride became what he I mean. There's a joke. I stand up like if Data Vigo
really keen law and if I data noteworthy camp and if I data black, I get pulled over you true, I am whatever they want me to be and, like I still am like they're like what you want to eat, unlike what do you want me to want to eat like written, yeah. That's what I would as joke about it, in reality, but is very calm and in every way and men and they lose themselves and they are whoever be theirs movies about it. What did like we're? How do you, like your egg they asked Robertson. She liked her eggs, however, run away by our. So I fell into that and I actually love tat. They fell into that because of it, I'm just like America thank for one's. Why I'm doing what these girls or doing- and I was like- oh my god, I'm doing the same exact thing like I'm I'm turning? Nor am I I'm normal. I'm turning into my boyfriend, like wow, that's d and that break up was needed to that was
awful, yeah awful, and that made me feel normal meekly? buying a horrible and lips sinking see? Oh I'm driving and following my eyes out and I'm looking to mere like I'm, like I'm alive, like an I felt like, I am yellow use girl like this is Everyone has been talking about, and now I just say I'm in the club I mean the that break up club. I wanna write a certain agenda, wrote a first turn ministerial upset. I haven T a sign. I was going to say yeah, that's deep, that leg, because you felt on the outside that even these hard breaks, young we're almost victory songs were these songs stand upset or but, like I was in the club, you react the right. I felt part of the american experience which just goes to show how our side. We make up gay relationships and I feel that July.
I feel like yeah, I'm not in the club, yeah it's not a fun feeling now and then it's like a crazy thing to want to be a part of the heartbreak club the value of life. You don't want to be the one that hasn't. right deep, the deal. What are you so brought some got some proper. Today she has a whole band. They form Monica loves boys and paper cut out of Matt Damon and bond Jovi and she has a syllabus of her fire fighter tee
why you should tell everybody there. I just remembered that cover thee, my professor who I loved in college. He was a fire fighter before he was a professor. I forgot about the part and I think that everyone knows exactly. Why was in love with India, and I remember he would tell us he told us once about the smell of flash in half, and I was like blue hot and little, but I kept his syllabus like if I'm really looking at it through clear eyes, keeping all this stuff, like all our just fucking, so much shit in this bag. That's posters around my wall in tiny anytime owed by all I guess you can just kind of all the pictures of the heart guys that I loved, and I think it was like a way for me to have something tangible, like some thing that I could touch and feel canoe
to this feeling that wasn't really all that real you now we will look at my, oh, my god forbid. I all post some of these pitcher does there's this calendar. The collie made me the the February. a request. I very Valentine's day so who's on there Ben and Madam Ashton, Paul Walker, arrests in peace, power to the heat ledger rest in peace time said so, and then a person- that's just hot. Is it oh, I thought that was in summer. Holder is it it may be, it is from the vampires they could be. I have no idea who it is: it's just a hot actor, and that was enough, as I needed a hot actor on here. It's on him. It's study in my speech. I am in a position yeah. I think it's a musician of some sort, but
All American rejects guy numbing friends because kelly- and I liked all american Obviously it is not enough for me to remember who one is what years this this was two thousand five got. It would. If I pulled all my used condoms from too tolerance mark he was so romantic. Look at their so Kelly made me. The sense of Kelly would make me signs and pictures and unseen member that counter it's a pitcher of Ben and mad Mamma. She does thought bubbles for them. One of em for Ben says: oh my gosh, its Monica and then mats has I wonder if I can get her number or may be taken the problem. This is what we did all day like fantasized all day, wow what would you do if you were in the attic with tax and one of these guys? is that you have scrapbooks about how much you I don't know
why have thought about what he would do it? He would make me so Umberto. Yes, I know because I wouldn't want, I wanted to you anymore. I now I know it is actually kind of fond memories of when I was in show choir or when I am most show growing more. I love those memories of this is exciting, so great and super creepy its own. It's so could be Owen. Look if this than I have this big leaner, add a little bit of Leonardo, the Caprio Faye. Oh, you did just you address. I was unique in that way. I thought I found. The thing about here must be put on CNN he's a realistic knees. Small is like you are using d, but like how many hours look at the launch of this has a lift. This has a lift, LIVE Leo, gets super, surprise, because our more LEO under their o n and actually think I drew something that faded, but anyway
so I just spent so much time re building a world in which I had what everybody else has right this down. This is worth asking. Whoever the psychologist towards therapist is that we have on, because I need to know what that says about you. Yeah internal, say anything good unopened. Did you hold on? Did you try to make tangible out of things? You didn't feel it we're getting a luxuriant really! No! I didn't. I didn't my eighteen to twenty five was all groundlings. What about even younger than this I'll high school? I was like ten when I made that scrap book I'd good, I'm writing for ten the all high school was pretty seven in the morning to six at night it was a big classes, show choir and then after school practice and then vocal in sambo, I've heard everywhere, but weren't you like You were you flirting at now. Oh now, a section I didn't know Iraq a cry of kid. That was new
there is something different about me, but would not let anyone see it because I was so such an over achiever and you weren't, trying to practice like you were, though you weren't, oh Johnny, Miller, I started to my junior year. I wear glasses that didn't prescription, but I powder by so I like, I thought I was kind of hot. My junior excited girlfriend sex with irrelevant. No eater out either I would just eat around. It were like Lakers Dobbin, like We are kind of her or around now that I know you kissing her your and stuff and then fingering. I never had sex with a girl. You ve never had now liquor whenever I brought of agro crews. Ones are like this is the time
and we found one girl who is really into man. She had fake tits and fake hair blonde pretty and she was ready and it was almost happen and then I just bailed out like now I can. Why did you want to do that despite their drake of how do you know what I think I want to be part of I think, as you were like, I'm attracted no, no, no, no! That's what kicked him and that I am not this. Isn't me yeah. man? It was she like your girlfriend? Was she like, hey just like lead, like D amour, both our first relationship erratically like looking back. We joke about it, name's angel. I lover she with thousands of letters You know so like a like just letter than weeders, let in like loved each other, but ultimately, as friends. What we are we did sexual stuff, but I definitely was not my favorite part of the relation.
you know but getting a letter given to me after every period and having the thing and after airs, revenues giving you so much attention. Of course, I love you so when, when you have this girl friend in your kind of I a lover like in your head thing last autumn when people call me faggot, it would be really weird duck supposition. I didn't get it like. I didn't understand. I have a girlfriend right, but I, like all the thing Hombre secretly knew they were right and I like, like, some other guys on my basketball team from afar. It was just to really weird remembering I in senior and others a freshman guy in and we're driving on the bus to action, choir competition and I rested my hand on his p and I got really hard and I just left it on their if the whole trip and kind of pushed down. Abed and every six so titillating, we didn't talk about
then we started having phone Sakhalin II because I went away to Uc San Diego, Diego no phone Saxon there when I go back up to Burbank Weed surround never sex or anything, but that was the first thing. That is the view that first I believe you did your hand axes le Maire or you put it there because you knew I knew he was gay. I knew you and he had girlfriends true. He was like a job healers jock soccer player in the show, Quartier yeah. That's so interests see network always guy, always Australia. Well, that's a good answer that Why? Don't you ask them? Leaving in going to college is very, very difficult to say, the star in high school here and then going and having no friends again, thirty pounds Wayne. That's her on the mouth, Metallurgia just main call- and I was by myself- you see San Diego playing intermediary
sk evolve and being in the gospel choir and coming back and eating to foot longs to not rages in two pints of milk watching friend nineteen, oh yeah. So when you took my friends, it reminds me of getting our now. You get triggered every time a trigger you all the time. Nineteen. Eighty four, I was a remember very, very well down at the mere year of of friends and me being own friends, a friend right, no friends, so that was one here. You see me go there. I could not do that and then I went up. too late and I started telling them that was my college. Did you feel like maybe one when you write college, newer alone for you, the fronting your sexual, while we all had to us. It was very, very difficult to call for sex lines and wonder Madonna's truth or dare come out fact check that, because of that, when the what I saw that movie I saw her dancers kissing and you know being very out and open, and it was like that movie
came my life. This hard, it's hard to be different, but a you know, but we all fields friends right arm way for us. We feel terminally you He can in that, and I dont want my car, but yeah I feel like college was interesting because for me too, because I fell I okay, so nothing really happened in high school. That's, ok! Look I had other friends in similar Sid. patience, but then when we all want to come college. I knew what I have to start just to kissing and having said, example. Well, I have to do all this stuff like that's what, because we gotta kill every I gotta go you know how I can now, but I felt like pry. I felt a lot of pressure also because the people that I felt like we're sort of on my level leaving I school, they were all getting boyfriends and they were in college like,
college was the time to be like free and do whatever and I couldn't do it ain't even the way one and two- and I would always like you, know, look around in the classrooms and like who- and I know that I landed on my teacher road who was the one that I couldn't have at all. Why picked him for reason I now, since you didn't, have that and doing that, did you act out in any other way, or do you just get better at being, Brad friend I got so good at being a friend remain, I learned that skill in high school
and middle school, because I felt like nobody liked me and I had some confirmation that was true- that I got so good at being the middle man, the best friend the person hooking people up. I have these aim messages that I buy printed familiar that I was looking when I was home last, which was a year ago. I was looking at these things in my memory box and there were these aims. I suggest that I printed and I was expecting them to be mean flirting with someone or something and they're, not they're. All me talking to a guy about another girl, my garlic sieur. No, I don't know, sir.
a diversion rack we're. What does he do yes or no to pressure as a big knows and he's in the idea of a big and he's in the bushes telling the other guy? What to say to the girl ass, I'm Sirena, Debars yeah. I am every yes and I fell. I think I fell like now do the help full are using them to like me some way and if they weren't gonna like me. In that way, they were gonna like me. In this way I mean it's so pathetic, but it's it's sad towards healthier too. Doubt and be a good friend and be a nice person and that you people want to be around a it's. Just like two ripping n everyone like me, I'm gonna to be a part of everyone's lives, always want to be in the middle. So you can't remove me. I'm gonna be in
world to this. I'm gonna find my way to being a part of me, even though I'm not a part of it, I'm not a part of that relationship, but I felt like I was because I was inserting myself in that way. But yes, then, when I went to college, I remember freshman year I had this beautiful group of friends that we all want high school together and then we, college together there still just close friends of mine, a hand. It was a group in their on relationships with each other. Like me, you know, like my friend, Christina was with her boyfriend. Mad and Pearson was with her boyfriend, Zack and Gmos with her boyfriend Robbie and then it was Mean Kali. That was the group are freshman year. Mac kissed me at a bar. on purpose like everyone knew that was going to happen, and I start
so hard immediately after he kissed me we'd be Peter, was planned like we need to do her favour, so it what that's and right after you may. He told you. We were no more, no edens figure, all internet users everyone's, they are so clearly everyone's Anna and it's not, he was doing it. legislate totally the opposite of maliciously he's like still we only. We were really clubs. We mean him. A really really close- and I think he was like yeah Well, I want to be her first, even though I kind of it all right, but barely, and so he was again like. I want her to have this. I think and I won't hurt. I wanna be her first and it's like nice, but made me feel so small and I started crying so hard. I couldn't stop crying we're in this bar, although we were like drinking, and so I think everyone kind of
blame the drinking for the reaction, but the reaction is because it did it felt like I needed to be pitied, and I knew I could get anyone else to kiss me. So my friend, with his a girlfriend had to kiss me like it was, not re known. Those manoeuvres downgrade and I think I would describe to you. Also. China robbed you of your. So my first kissed curse, kissed he's like bags attic now. I know you didn't he didn't, because I love em and very special to me and I ll I'd be happy to his elbow hot and I would love to have him be my first kiss, but nah. I contrived way row and he'll. Definitely here this, and I don't want him because he's a beautiful friend and will listen to morality. If I don't want him to think that
Can I tell you that I have any issue it there, but it's just part of the whole story. It's my fault, like I have found a way to keep putting myself in these situations as the point of this pod casper about them, as we keep subconsciously, putting ourselves in these situations that are confirming all the negative thoughts, and I think we all do visiting everyone does is. Hopefully that's why this is laudable. I definitely acted out because I wasn't ready to deal with any of that. An ice definitely drank into drugs. Now you know when I was twenty five issue, yet a thirty ass you know docks involved without a lot at the groundlings, but I did not want to handle the dating in the sex and the date and that the gay thing yeah. Oh, I definitely was the fun hang yeah and I was just definitely I'm not going to deal with this. I'm definitely gonna get a little black out a lot yeah we're ok,
is so we dealt in a little. We do. We did and we're gonna give each other other challenges right now and then next week will somebody else, then as a third opinion on our staff. Ok, so what's what is my challenge for the weak? The wanted your true, but I guessed. Ok, this one's gonna be interesting with your instagram. I think that there's probably dozens and dozens dozens of direct messages that you have received that you dont know about you would maybe you go through these and see if there's any guys that are legitimately in this great world we're memory gay, where, whatever the damn thing is a thing, I've see people that date, people off there sliding into their dams and what, if out of your two hundred thousand followers
there's some one that has reached out. That's a cool normal guy s own all of your d, outlying and if anyone is hitting on new that is valid and I'll help you. If you want think that the council needs to be something I have to do. I mean I correct ideas, but I could just say I want the right dams and there is nobody, so may blogger them. The only what you have to do is down loud either tender array and put up a full on profile and have it running in one week and start using it Can I combo that Russia and the dams, because its unforeseen gonna deep, but that is too very action based things at the APS. I mean I'll. Do it I'll do it, then I just hate those, but not fair that I hate them to ride. Like I hate you right now, I hadn't
because they're running my life and you as there there are super uncomfortable. I wish we both found a healthy medium and a healthy balance between what, we're doing never on it and on a too much so here's your challenge, then its indirect relation to mine. You don't do it for the full seven days, but for five days I want you to not beyond the APS. Ever you not announced last week where you are your skin Well, yes, I want you to find out the seven daintily their delete them, so it is not a part of your day. and you have to find other ways to do your day. I thought I was going. But you're real age. I was ready for that when this is a way that I was going to be that the real age, to be honest, is I dont have made on their sweat? Oh my lying, except for tender, because when I try to change my age on Facebook, it says blocked me and said you,
ensure that age too many times. I firmly believe that age, gender and facebook, connecting yeah, I'm sweaty so after them, somewhere for five out of seven days. Today is strays Wednesday. I have to delete the ups yeah and then your day will open up your figure out how to do those days than that. Andy our? I I love you. I love you albanian. Actually,