« Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Part 4: Monica & Jess Love Therapy with Harry the Therapist

In Part 4: Monica and Jess Love Therapy with Harry the Therapist, M and J invite Harry - Kristen and Dax's couples therapist, to the attic. Harry specializes in both personal and couples therapy and Kristen and Dax have credited Harry for giving them the tools for relationship longevity. But today he brings his expertise to Monica and Jess's love lives. Harry wonders if Monica has any unresolved parental issues and he encourages Jess to listen to his small inner voice. He provides a few Harry rules for approaching a forever relationship and reminds M and J that we are all a work in progress. Monica and Jess talk about their challenges from last week and the realization that these challenges have nothing to do with the other person - it’s all about personal growth.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Aye, I'm Monica a k, a miniature mouse. I love boys, but I dont have one and in fact I've never had one. I could probably count on two hands how many days I've been on in my entire life- and I decided, it's time to change that high, I'm just an I love boys to and in the opposite way of Monica. count on all the hands in America, how many people have had sex with, and yet I still don't have a boyfriend, and I want one and I'm Dax, and I love Monica and just in so many ways they on our partners, and that is a huge mystery to me because they're both incredibly attractive so fond so smart and have so much. Offer, so we decided to do, was examined these unhealthy patterns and bring an experts and outsiders to help critique us. Advise us guide us pretty much called
oh shit on us so that we can find the romantic companion that we're looking for. We started this thinking. It was gonna, be just Q. Little dating challenges that we would go on and talk about and laugh about turns out. It is, very hard to be vulnerable in real time in public sire so lightly. Romanticize pathological wondered how much you want love God. You can't even get the sentence out. I would just eat around it's a little self, and why do I want something? And then why have I decided to? We must put the chairman, the water, for the sharks to come by Monica like so. Apparently I have to join Riah sweetly legs. You don't even have a kiss a hair out any frontal lobe issues in the warehouse, a broad tat. What you should be doing serene every night bribes to uncomfortable for this, please enjoy part for Monica and just love therapy
parry, the therapists star. They don't like. ok. Welcome back to mark in chess oh heart for yeah, oh get into our choice. Challenge is to be fair and to be open and honest. The last him your accorded was a month. I hope so. I've had a month to complete our last challenge and we will talk about that limit but I want introduce our guest for today we have a.
Very special he's rolling as I've guest in the resident armchair therapist Harry Harry is, a therapist here, LOS Angeles. You ve heard of him, because Dax and Christian talk about him ad nauseam and how he's changed the trajectory of their relationship, and so we commandeered Harry for this podcast so that we could get some real, knowledgeable insight, on all the things I ve been talking about. Ok, so just what was your challenge? Last week or last month, marginal orange was to put on both of my ups that I'm only looking for a relationship so changing all of the others parameters of it and to change my age parameters.
So I can only see thirty seven fifty year olds Rau, unless I like, both of that was on grinder and tender, does from Christian as regards challenges, very good lots of people. Looking for serious commitments on under seem, I did in my day we had nothing but alcoholism so right. We still have that. I know you do, and it was interesting and I told them this. I didn't hot, like the first day out like this is horrible and the second Eric look at this gal grew up. I'm not so bad skies, Cuba hastens nice and then, when you all, you see, is the same kind of people or the age group changing enjoying- and I started talking to this one guy- that I he has a k a ten year old kid and we're supposed to hang out and that is really nice talk to a couple other guys and then unfortunately, my dad got very, very very sick
he passed over the last or so I haven't had sex or dated in two months. Well yeah to its. Since you know, I'm December first dish everything yeah so long over a month. I hope that a little older about like soon rezoning loves that it felt like for ever. Actually it's only a month, lots of feelings about I mean really that's something happened in my life and I didn't turn to that. I think that's great you I like that. I'm sorry about the motive but you have, but I'm I'm I'm instantly curious amendment. Does it settled down a little bit and sunburnt anxiety s yeah? I felt really. You know in the last two weeks of his life were very rapid and I was there every single day and I showed up and
quit drinking and I held his hand, and I mean my family laugh and I I did air answer that it was just very and he moaned and knew I was there and said, grab my aunt and said I love you in all these nice thing. He again focus shit yeah. I did. I'm glad I'm glad you're able to be very yeah they just only ten minutes ago to pick up his? directions to wish. I did not like that phone call now happening, but I felt very complete and I felt like I showed up as much as I could and I was there and I don't have a lot of regrets at all. You know he was going to be putting a home and weed the day before we're going to put them in a homie died. So I am glad he's fell asleep at my step. Moms and everything was there's a nice bow
in it there can be won their campaign. Yeah there camping early zapping me I've had these conversations with my daughter lately, I'm an old dad yeah. I think it's more you manage to do and he managed to do as well as just to put things out. There were your actually talking about what's happening here and there a lot of times we downturn in its horrific and blind, citing and devastating to say something or hear something? You absolutely need here and I think that's farmers, the nicest things How does that you feel good about what you do? I guess I'm an old man and you think about it long long after their. Yes, whether you did her didn't she and I asked field through good. Sometimes were someone or will send me a text for a picture and I go. Should I be feeling worse my am I suffering enough exactly! That's that's along with total over subject, but grief is weak
yeah we near its crowded here at the center of the universe, and I was here first so weak, we think of ass. Like somebody keeping score, I know you got a thermostat and it will kick on and kick off and you will find us America conversation and suddenly up comes this huge wave of grief it'll go away. Who says, there's something wrong with my over this already right now: you're, just not gonna get more than you can handle that, especially since you shut up, I love that fact that you feel better, that's going to mean more and more and more to use diaspora. Thank you. Yeah what but you're my. How was your one wants to do? What I had one went out of forty seven, that's right. They ship, I gathered justice dream for me. My challenge give him. My question was to give somebody my phone number in person which have
never done in my life and Tom, not twenty twenty! Exactly and I was so terrified. This was not coming easy to me than there were a couple opportunities. You were gonna go to this Christmas are you just now we're gonna go together and without them definitely be people there that I could talk to and potentially do this. But then, of course I canceled on that. Another thing other were there for opportunities these then I went home for the holidays and removed it off the table. I can't do it at home, so then I got back still procrastinate. And yesterday a yesterday was
deadlines and the night before I went to bed- and I thought, oh, my god, I didn't do it. I did not do it and I M not someone who is comparable with not achieving the goal or doing what I set out to do or meeting a commitment. That does not sit well with me, but I was just like it's the last day and I didn't do it and I went to bed and I four nightmares about it. I had four separate nightmares about different scenarios where I was trying to give my number away and I could end and one of them I couldn't do it or wasn't except Gruber were so in the first one. I was sitting with a friend and this guy came up and he was chatting and they gave him my phone number and then it went well, but then about ten minutes later he came back and he was really upset that I have given it to him and he
really had come over to talk to my friend and good, a lot o martyr? Now why my phone number? That was the first dream and then I think they spiraled from there. I dont really remember the details of the others, but along those lines of it. Just went badly, and so I woke up- and I tech suggestion- I said: oh my gosh it's the last day shall we go to a barred, and I should I try to do this and ultimately I thought. No, it's not gonna happen. Let's come up with some sort of penalty system for the fact that I didn't and then I put out of my head. I went to get pancakes at this restaurant in our neighbourhood, my waiter was this guy that I had met before at that restaurant. He used to be a host there and we have had a conversation once before when I was just waiting and he was very nice very cute and we talked about the neighbourhood. He just moved into the neighborhood whatever this is months ago, and then I sit down
he's my waiter and I thought, oh boy, paying maybe have exactly age me rag correct, exactly as I predicted anyway, yeah and so is like I have to, and so we were chatting- and I said: hey weren't, you were you the host and he said yeah. I guess we met. We had a conversation before and he was like yeah and you're from the south, and so am I and so. Can you live around here right and he said yeah, and I said you know if you ever want to get happy hour sometime in the name you know I like to do that, and he was a yes absolutely, and I said: ok so I'll leave you my phone number variety, under the wire right dad, and it wasn't that I I mean I was unable for like I'm just gonna- have to find a real person on the strangest throw them. My phone number
that wasn't a little bigger was the five year life idea or the lack of silly, but so Yanza sort of happened also in a way that was good. It is acute person that I had talked to before that I already was. I call that a person that's and probably I'm humiliate exactly so side did it. It was so proud of myself, either so proud of you. I was at work and I was like smiling. Thirty. Men must be a really good for years. It was so interesting had so many thoughts on at immediately. I felt so good having nothing to do with him where's their preferred yeah yeah, and nothing to do with the fact that one
He tax me. Would he not that wasn't? Even in my realm of consideration, it was just that oh wow, I just did something, though I thought I could truly not do, and I did it and it was just jumping this hurdle that fell really really, yeah it's just not about the other. Her, though, was there found. There is no it's not it's really better as all of the actors unless I feel somehow useful. I dont know how to show up and bitter, and your dream is fascinating to me. Why do you give me this mean what the fuck? What oh I now, but that's about you want some deep level, oh for sure, talking to yourself saying you don't no one's gonna want to you're wrong by the way the ETA
very had a role you thank you. Thank you. May I ask that in the dream, specifically, the part about I came here to see your friend here is, I mean I've lived there. I have lived that multiple times growing up I felt, and so that is just ingrained in me that if we're in a group situation, I'm not going to be the shiny person, I remind me to be the person that, when they come up, they want to talk to. I I've just always felt that and
Of course, it came up in this dream when I'm on the steadily on shore vein, of which I haven't thought about that aspect in a long time, and actually a came up maybe a year ago, probably right around the year ago, I was at a birthday party with Kristen and another friend, and you know you know girls and in guys, but you'll do this before you go to a party. Were you you They decide you put goals on it like we're. Gonna meet our boyfriend tonight you know, like you're sure do. Yeah are no know where you're getting running you're, getting our hyped up in its like a tonight's. The night, where you remember the hook up or have fun- or I don't know, there's like this layer that gets put on it. Then it becomes estranged from an expectation, and I
just over time of gotten a little allergic to that, because every time I go in without exploitation and never get the trunk of a failed, and so that was happening in this circumstance and cause we were like. Will who's gonna? Be there, They're gonna be any guys there like new people, and then Christian was all. Although there is this one guy and he's really grade and, My other friend is single as well, so we oh there and then christen is talking to him and then she comes back and is like. Okay. So and it becomes this whole charade of like who's gonna go talk to him. Who's gonna know it up with this person, and I owe you The less economies course of anger, and I am immediately just so and so quickly
oh wow and thought. I'm I'm done with this. I'm not getting involved in this. This makes me feel lower than ever that it's me up against another person, Hulu COM Titian, you're, a good friend and my good family, and then not getting chose in like not feeling chose in is really hard from me and the dream. The dream has a sense of being rejected, definitely like, but why did you even Think I mean triangulation like that is often in childhood, like really early parents, siblings things that happened there the idea of the odd man out of the different person or you don't fit to work here. You don't belong or you know. Well I felt that growing up just being Indian in Georgia, but maybe it was even before that I don't know it could have been families stuff.
if you like, my therapist, has also dug a little bit and rounded up, Would it be a good, therefore that now, but I dont know we found any fruit there as far as or maybe we just go far enough, but the relationship with them and where maybe some of that stems from girl, get better hurry up, ignore the first. The first instinct is kind of a little bit of an electrifying, possibly that I don't think my daughter- and I are like this and I think she'll mind but yeah, there's that level of closeness. But then, when you're really close, you know into the parent and then you gradually relish. You can't have them, then they're, not whether it set a polar Electra, whatever it's the sense of really having a terrible, crush kind upon apparent its there's, nothing sexual about them
there's nothing sexual about it. But you you remember when Daddy's that daddy's face itched, that he smells different, you remember waned for him to come home when you're, three or four, daddy's girl, come running across the carpet. some amendments realize yeah, but these people have their relationship and the adult world, and I dont fat, and it can be a little crushing sometimes interesting. It's actually pretty common. You not the edible thing for boys, but yeah. It's a pretty common thing to talk about him. It's been Freud was wrong about so much. We forget he was right about if you re that one is, is it pops up alone tat an interest to drink, and if so, what makes you think take this back right? but that just hits that nerve from an interesting all. That's funny, because there are a lot of things. You just said that our through I mean I definitely have specific memories of being exe
I did fur that's called me: will you exact? I wasn't one but I've known a few cassettes. Any infatuated since needs its where you begin to really get that sense of being and for all with someone else. Will that is incredibly fast aim, I I mean I'm one hundred percent for sure someone who fantasizes has infatuation and wants things. I can't have Blake Times a billion so we're getting there? That's what I never ever would have thought that, because I'm fairly close with my parents, but I'm I never was someone who was.
To pursue foreclose new Hungary? Had I am I haven't? I say: never, I think that part of our lives is is almost traumatic. I think a lot of people have a kind of ptsd about early traverse. The intensity of your town. Terms of your losses have broken heart of losing things and Patsy there. I'm that just we don't know how to process it. We start smothering up with whatever the world tells us we're supposed to be, and then, when we get relationships are really want somebody or want to have one that piece of us comes back tat, desperately needed confused her kid and the adult me never know what to do with that. So I'd get out to scotch right right, but it is justice like what is this craziness worth? What is this Why can I just say: let's go to a movie and wise everything so expression lot of his cause, we're remembering or superimposing answer you
say in dream- is almost a part of you saying: hey you already decided yeah why. But I love what you said that you got that sense. If I did this because it wasn't about him, that's fine, maybe you'll go out with this crime. It'll be great and that's fine, but this was about overcoming those old tapes that aren't accurate where they occur. When you're were five. Yes, you can't have your mama you'd have to re re. There might be a sibling that that your parents favour in some ways over you and you have to adjust to the fact that that's true, but in this instance we overcame a bunch of all takes that aren't relevant and you felt it yeah, that's very cool, and I think you did that with your dad. I think you'll reclaim something alter yeah
let's exciting to heavy in monitors references? My question: have you heard of Anna was sexual or relationship Anorexia kind of Yang we're just stay away from something from that long year, fifteen twenty years it is called sexual indirectly, really yeah and other traps behind. yeah. There are lots of reasons, but there's sometimes there's abuse issues or or ass information, and sometimes there's stumbling across pornography, when you weren't old enough to understand why it would be on the under my grandfather, sank and her stamina and end that can make you inconsistent with with pursuing sex, so people get almost promiscuous in them, kind of anorexic or one or the other, as opposed to just oh this.
This call. This is a safe scenario for me to open myself up and have a sexual relationships. Yeah, let's be honest, how many people do not do that easily? Do you know lot people tell themselves there doing. It is like an exact, but you ve had three men. Seventy partners in the last year or something I appeal to access it here and if you haven't been on a date in awhile, why and its I really like you say it's not the other person it's it's not even twenty. Twenty, its were carrying go sir. We carrier history. I might have asked you this, but you ever think you weren't dating Army sex, because EAST weren't good at it in your really love doing things are good at I think you have asked me that I mean I yes and no yes at the when I was younger, and I liked boys and there were There- wasn't reciprocate fashion but as of acts, wire z. I was like well. These things are out of my control, Ike
do anything about this, so I can't put energy here, because this doesn't bear any fruit, so I will have to put our she in other areas, which is interesting because which we just had run and fair one arm chair, and he had brought up the best boy in the world syndrome. Yes, this phenomenon that that gay boys often fallen to where they have to be perfect and all the realms of their life. They have to get straight aces and they have to be cooks, Butte ha to end in otherwise have to be present in all the things they can control the actions do you have, because there is huge element that they can't control and I totally can connect with that as well. I think women are going through a version of the fraudulent yeah. So much of it feels like it's out of your hands and your letting other people make the decisions about you and
you're worthy or valuable or interactive or any of that, and so, when the answer you feel like you're getting is no to all those just out of self preservation. Eu take laughter. And say: okay, so I'm not valuable there, but I am valuable here. valuable at work and about you know and someone I will put my energy there. I mean. I think that is part of what I wonder, being sort of externally reference? Doesn't the problem that way, or someone else's interest in a dictates whether worthwhile becoming even boot us in his own way was saying. There's no outside answer to an insight prompt, and we do when we seek the immediate fix the pills, the drugs sex, the entertainment, yeah yeah. I think that's a mistake. A lot of us make were who we let other people dictate our self sell, for. I think little kids have.
No choice, you just don't I mean it's the way it is somewhere along the way, we're supposed to start figuring out what we think of ourselves. As more important, I mean I care what people think May I just care what I think of me more and if you make me choose, I'm gonna try to try to do what I'm ok, what she's and have a lot of that, though, like you might we all you have as much as you fuck? I agree just in knowing you rubbery criticised. Not. You may feel like that yeah, but you're pretty spot on yeah. How I totally you got brass ovaries that in again in the realms, where I feel confident, you're you're calling me in those spaces, like you see me in all this basis, I do know my worth I've tested it You know, I know the boundaries of it, so you see that that units see me out trying to mean a gives them on my phone number, which make which would be testing three to five guys,
six or seven guys it, you ve gone out with her all handsome and they ve all been interested in you and you just kind of or flippant about it. You know because what they think about you is change the way you think, which I think is an admirable. When I have you no good looking guy or someone that is in listed in me. I definitely like what I dont really see apparent. Give it a chance I gotta do you know I definitely bend over backwards a little bit like a joke that, like if I data vague in you, know that I you can watch and if I did and Outdoors guy camp and if I data like I pulled over like I have you like your boss, what would you want to order? Unlike what do you want me to want to order? so. You don't have that at all which have their own. I'm waiting, you guys, thirteen fourteen
years younger and I'm paying for things like. I don't have that kind of money. I want this approval. Dick, yes, and I think you do a version of that which is the poor, sin. That's on your arm, you think, is a reflection of you. Yet You need that person to be like if it's a really handsome person bigger, not super interested for you. There still points in the fact that his hand run because young people, like his personal absence of key areas where they charming say I'm out of us, but I look like animals anywhere, but you, I think it's because you think you, your proximity to them. Yes, elevators you, but describing something that's kind of that oxytocin hit that certain bonding our momentous testosterone hip in its really addicting, and that crash I now just at
if goes away even when you're old enough and smart enough, you not act on it- is that that viable, Tristram S, ear when you meet somebody in there's little sparkled butterfly, and I talked with the two in his hurry: addicting yeah. I know now, though, that that's not what I'm going for a bridge when a little somebody once said that immature love ass. I love how you make me feel what just because I'm not gonna like yeah. That's good! That's right! But that's not right! That's but we should be you don't sound like you know, a mile, you don't let yourself get well. I dont get to that point. Now. I dont let myself really get there, I'm your anchors. I did at some point but again, like I said I had a couple instances in life when I had all that it was not reciprocate and then that feeling was so crushing and is so powerful that at some point, my body guy condition to just not
Do it? You're bodies are conditioned you're, my brain is conditions is pay more like not to risk it, you go to the vanishing control one hundred per cent yeah. That's why they're pawn shop suggest for guys on yeah stopped her the number one best selling books in America or women's romance novels. That's that's what I call female point yeah lander, you don't fifty shades of gray. I definitely had best little boy syndrome, whatever that the home, my god, I knew my whole life. That's I was different. I was adapting on double time against my story. counter Brandt's. I always felt fifteen years behind all my street friends guide aid sure I was good, a Basque. Why made sure I was funny. I made sure that may make me you know I could sing. I made sure that they were not looking at this thing I knew. Was there for so long and that gets exhausting and that leads to like addiction and and drinking and over sexual liberation and.
I remember I was at the groundlings for seven years with, I was firmly gave it. I didn't have don't think think about gives you I was at the quadlings. I was doing this thin soon, as I got cut. I cried for three months and never got a perfect body and I tried steroids and I start having sex movement. I and I was up- I'm not good enough to be an actor, I'm not funny. Let's sit on a dick iron. I ate man. Does it there's a sense of control, but not yes, validation, sense of community also girls, since he for them to do that. I'm a six fire. Do not twenty five pound note. It is most definitely morale, I'm surprise of how many hookups I've had going the strangers houses and then come to my house. Thousands not one has ever been.
Danger dangerous or scary, or anything that the most dangerous thing is you get to their house and they're, not who they ought to say they are, and they blocky or whatever the way, and I wasted the gas that gas very easy to control very impersonal. Do both have control you're. Gonna interfere as you both extremely smart, so you can bullshit yourself, but I loved having a boyfriend. Now are you? Are you have such a softness sets the most appealing part of you. I loved it, and I do not like I was. I didn't have to always care about myself and I just I was God. So boring alleys, romantic and I never cheated. I love monogamy and all these things and we have only a three boyfriends, but I act out whether its drinking or a lot of sex, because I'm just like restless only work eighteen hours a week, but we do think is a real fast tie my time. Yeah like well, honestly, completely
but your dad that took up high. Yes, you took up time and space and interconnected you to something outside of yourself in a meaningful way, not no master oratory way, and there is a different man. It was the first time I checks adapts. I got this is the first time in my life tat. I felt this is what healthy self esteem feels like. Why because he had not a real ago came, but it's like a nice big spanish savages. True was like you know when you need a big spinach salad. If it's I caught the spill amber is that high. I have it. I left every everytime. I would be added As for ten hours and I'd come on, But I like this is this a little voice? This it's quiet voice had sought this hide. You said you did a good job today and it was a crime, and it was so good. It was really good you approved of you, you approved
Yes, you did you go outside to get us to do and we know that little voice. It's been keeping me alive for a long time and sober thirty, four yeah yeah yeah, that's so powerful that so true, yet you approved, if you and in most cases your lan somebody else to approve the ideal. I like that, that the way you two scrapper just as it's a quiet since have not. This is though, each year- and it's not as loud is the temptation you know and its being sober lunchtime, doesnt it's like I'm crazy round, it's not as loud but its meaningful in constant and it just. You have put your back on track. We are supported by policy genius. If there's one thing humans aren't great at its predicting the future. Just take a look around no amount of crystal balls fortune, cookies or tea leaves could predict the world were living in right now, but unpredictability.
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My restaurant and wants me to write with her now not and then she's been. holding me and she has this pilot. You once been able with its but a restaurant, and I won't tell too much about it, but She went away and put on it and she won't let up, because I've been so we healthy lately was through my dad. I haven't been drinking and all the stuff I have a clear head and this little voice it. I think I do this. I think this is the year that you do something that you ve never done before such a quiet, Voiceless acts were called the still small voice, quite spiritual. It might have been your little voice to say I should make to this part castor, something when nearly you should give the such my smiles. Tiny boys told us of pace,
because no Joseph Campbells work at all now. Well enough, I mean you: are you not them in the books are really dance but yeah, but they just the old bill. Moilers thing on PBS is still brilliant, even though its cheesy, it's from nineteen, eighty four, it holds up great and he just talks about myth than fairytales him folk tales and religions and how they actually tell a motion on truths about it, and he talks about the call of the hero that you just get this little quiet voice that says come over here to the world in the mouth, writer buried him and the guy says not cattle. But he says no one ever should go from the village into the woods and cap at your different, come on an hero. Does it and then suddenly there's this huge, terrifying adventure with monsters and witches and whatever, and he urges with a wisdom. an idea or something to bring back because he's been changed. Prometheus steals, the fire comes back and that's what James Choice, I think called the money
myth, and these things are cork- has there about us when you get that little push the irish call at the window, your backbone, you get that little pushing you go. I think I'll try, a novel. I think I'll do this. I think I'll do that and the whole at changes. How many times do we ignore that little push yeah? I think we do. I think yeah definite. I am not even all of us- listen alot of so never even here, but I'm I've come to believe him, I'm seventy one. I've come to believe we ve all got it. I just that we must call it refusing the colony says: you're gonna get a couple times. Words A friend of mine used to say the most powerful prayer in the world, and I'm particularly religious, but most powerful player in the world is what do you want me to do it and then stopped think glad? What are your garden do something else
Otherwise we're on somebody else's journey, we're in somebody else's novel where in somebody else's movie, you know someone else is telling us if we did. Okay, that's the really two, two or three really powerful things about your dad, but that thing that says no, you know I like what I'm doing here and that's giving birth to this idea. I'll try vessel, maybe I'll, try TAT! That's Pirkl cool or what you're saying that little sensible victory over came overcame fear fear to go ahead and do this and it's fine. We're, given our power away overtime and don't even though- and I guess how can we train ourselves to hear- that voice or ninety one for us, but for the audience you know, I think so. Many people put their voice away, or dont know how to hear red or don't know. We made a good start, getting talk that other childhood. When we get civilized, I don't know, but it that's what meditation,
his foreign, I'm not a hundred per cent vapid creativity, musician, ship. Here I am pole a rating poetry in creative. I've. Really lately thinking doubt me being gay. I think not a lot which had never really did in my twenty and thirty one way more. Not talking about I'm this I don't I don't. This is a small part of me. This is not a big part of me and lately you, like my whole family, like maybe for thirty. Five people- everyone is married enough, kids, only person, I'm trying to figure out at forty three? What is me and what is this thing I put up be okay, this kind of shield of that question. Do you know what part is chess, jewess core and yet heart? Is this like this? ethical, shiny thing that I put up my whole life since I've been eight years old to make people like me. If it's from people like you
let's not react, and now I'm trying to keep things I like it, I'm trying to be a fan taken. My grandma was not one to be funny, but I also want to be transparent in decks as this all the time he thought certain things that they loved about him no known is a fuck that you drive good and that you can that you can beat people up, and I'm trying to think that maybe the things people like about me is that I'm not because of provocative and I'm sexual and all these things that I thought were like he made them. Your identity is I'm trying to figure out what party was an. I took the landmark for many many many years ago and there's an act that we come up with a more young and I am trying to separate them in its really an interesting numb exercise, I used to see what part is like
truly me or genetics or this or that and upbringing in grade, and one part is like to set any march. Has I think, that's middle age? They I you know, I don't really want to be twenty again. I was bad crazy yeah. I really dont I'd want me through summary again, and I know I was still crazy somewhere around thirty eight to forty. I want I thought I get this idea. that somewhere, I yet sober thirty six and someone that ballpark something so at that. That's not authentic. This is that's not. This is just that awareness of young which way you want to go in is here- and I read something Carl Rogers was a psychologist that was big- nearly sixty seems kind of one of the the dad's with a humanistic, existential Harry stuff and being present in the room with people to be a good therapist, and he we are in the process of becoming a person and yeah there's no finish line yeah. This is just an ongoing process and you know it:
soon, it's over when I check out, but we don't even other. He also said about relationships that the most I m per. I hope I don't screw this up to bed the most powerful thing in the is to give some on everything may need to destroy you and they do not choose to use. I dropped the book just little relax like an electric shock. I just got shells That means only of your NBA? data in the sky is an ongoing debate, whether or not an anti tax integrated, and I now I don't think they have one of agony. I think there was an idea that never got executed there. That's for another guy. I think when we look at relationships and now we're on completely on the ground of personal opinion, but we forget that your pursuing someone with whom you can beat that vulnerable right yeah they go
Ok, ok, have both been turned off by people that are vulnerable to saw needy, our goal. Is your prayers every year re it's a hard difference to fine, but when, like when you talk about that voice, where you your ten to you to add or or boy you been after, and you guys I like this- I think I am the word I used when I finally plucked and was I think I respect myself. I've never understood how love myself. I don't get that in with my history, that's months, pricing, but but you have not bad man, that's a good thing to have an when you're looking at them. asked I like not bad, if its sovereign check him out tomorrow would still have to sign up. and Harry. What do you think the line is between media invulnerable? Yeah? That's a tough, it's very tough, but I think we everyone's struggles with that because, especially in these relationships at the beginning, or even on these dates and stuff, you do feel like you have to put on
a thing because you don't want to seem to needy, want to seem independent. You know, but ultimately the goal is is to get to can't get to some level of vulnerability thing. You honestly, you should be with you auditioning me not me. I barely the eleven. But you need to be auditioning the other guy and you need to be. Is this a person, so I put its poker, I put down a cardinal wait and see what you put down and I we match and if you dump your whole life story on the first or second date, you described the whole thing up right, drive. The whole goal is that we gradually learn. Yes, you really are stable your reliable you show up when you say you will you're not popping for if I could, then, when we're going to a wedding, there's it there's a sense and Danube Connachar at a link. I can trust you with this about me and when you do, at the other person comes so
sometimes if I see people at a burned out several therapists or can't trust anybody, clusters, libraries or whatever else say before you leave tell me one secret. You never told anyone ever people almost always do it and something changes, because what they get back for me is there. I've heard that before, let me tell you want a mine, you know it's the first step in the trusted programmes and you'd. You tell your your whole history to somebody. A major came right back with something was on. That was just as up off the wall, and you know what I'm doing its confession in a sense, but the other person has to literally be someone. You trust him. They dont choose to use it against at all yeah and that's both what we are seeking and what were terrified resolving, rather sabotage our relationship sexual eyes them not. Have them, then run the risk of what you described, which, as I started, to open up to that level, gave my power we got shut down. We all do
yeah, but I'm a center of the universe. I've hurts yeah happy about you not right now, but when the like. That's is that, when you're together, that six months is a boyfriend girlfriend is that boyfriends. All I can tell you is when I see people swiping on tinder, where you are evaluating whether you want to screw somebody. You have just wrecked the entire idea. That has nothing to do with it. It has even grandma from Nevada used to say the candle, the birds, the hottest burns out, quick if you're really hot for some. This Angola and the other one I use is, if you feel like you ve not or forever, you probably have raised I mean, are married. My mother, the first oh about six years in sobered up and went Christ. What have I done? That's very interesting. The guy that withheld from you I'd be very interested in knowing how much like your father, he might have been better.
maybe maybe just maybe maybe just maybe you look a little stricken on some level. I would have punched you if you said I was wearing my mother, but it was a kind of narcissistic woman from another country and an eye His head over heels gave my power and then, when I sobered up, I thought what what my carpet, and doing I'm chasing somebody who's just council surely not able to be there and that's why I picked her. We we pick these people and I'm going back to the three relationships. You said you had the didn't really. Last. By the way, most people have a few, the toys we just it's another one. We had to face its around right, but or any of those people the same pattern. The first one was my first boyfriend evolved than he, thirteen years younger than you and he we felt I felt like he had come out when he was eleven and he was nineteen some of it was really this thing that I felt like
Fifteen years old and ready China Sancy, he was almost more okay with yes soccer, so we- flowers and go to date. It was like, first time up at thirty five years old feeling that second one tell under that last three months. That's limits that I love how you make me feel it's not a bad thing. The best drug in the world the best time I've done a mall second were, but he had not gone. Last more than tourists what's on the low side and tops eighteen months to two years on my site, it's usually few months, and so people in high school and in their twenty sea will date somebody for two or three months and when the limit where's off to go, you changed or they cheat or they do something stupid. Instead of looking to develop this, I just gotta sweats now, because I was embarrassed that at last three months I know it's such a weird feeling but yeah, but it was my first ever boys at thirty five, so I felt. I felt shame I felt like
and he was eighteen, but I like it, I like that he was more ok, yeah you in and out of normalized it for age. I think his clothes wait. I don't mean to knock that, but if to realise that, when that limits begins to wear off, we go looking for someone else to give it to us. most men will generality sexual ice it more gay or straight than when women romanticize him here He did on me in and may was over and there was its devastating, but we haven't taken the time to be vulnerable to the personal. We can trust like that which opt in to do it, and it's so tempting doesn't feel so good right if we're not looking for the way someone makes you feel what's the answer, out to the way they make me feel respect this person is a grey person traffic way to start? I am not saying that saying. I have the perfect marriage, but we ve been together thirty years and we do pretty well with this stuff. I'm she puts up a lot of crap, I'm batch it yeah,
and it's easy for me to recognise that she's a batch- it's not so easy for me to recognise that I'm difficult Mars, but both of us are good at doing and respecting. I should look at my part of this, and so I did exactly that. This is someone I really like intelligent interested in a lot of the same things. I pray and I'm going to see where this goes and as the weeks and months go by open up more open up more up and up more and she's put. Lotta crap we're still here. What I kind of want to know is like that for six month, rules and like things like you're wondering rules not rule on Greece and Rome, hangs Uncle Harry Road, you don't sleep with somebody for at least five weeks or so rare go out no more than maybe three times a week. You dont pay on the phone for seven hours a night and say I feel like I've known you forever, because that means you have an you, let it
slowly so that you can be the one to say. I don't think this is right for me as opposed to wait around to see what they think of you here. Whether you're gonna be judged whether he's not going to take your number or can be met. That you gave it. You evaluate me, you you watch and let the relationship the French have developed to kind of sake. The other He's the flirtation sexuality, the touching somebody I recommend putting that off, but there's nothing wrong with going others. But I want you twice a thing I just think you're amazing. I think you're really attractive and really interesting, and I am hoping that we can make this work so you're off the hook but you actually in a way more vulnerable. You told the truth instead of trying to find out if you want to have sex actually screws us up from an objective and human yeah indefinitely escalates that infatuation lead like no more logical, you're, you're drunk the arab
I like that. Right, like yours, you would like the Rohingya Buddy Buddy. It's actually a really good idea, but the answer to that question is still small I said that little thing in you that says I feel really cared about how I did that you're supposed to do you like me. Does she want to have sex with me? What no? It should be that that was a really nice conversation that are really smart person. So, yes, I received myself for I dealt with in the person I'm talking to owing to see them in my only relationship that actually went as far as it did was. I didn't have sex for six or seven dates, which is unheard of. You know, and I call on you I learned about a year fifteen months, but you know something when you're in you started late as it were arrived, but when your first dating that's, that's really normal people will, in height
go and see what they ve been going out all senior year was that rare couple which, like five months here, seem like forever people will go out sleep together to three weeks later. You drop she'd autumn find somebody else. It just came out right So then, in your twenty, so they they have relationships. They try to make a last a year. Eighteen months two years breaks up again, at the end of our toys are usually so sick of that that we start trying out a trial, marriage or first marriage or some kind of commitment but we still really realise what were committing to which a single currency, other people, but your committing to growth, trying to help each other challenge AEGIS and Christian and acts do a very, very well yeah. They challenge each other. All the time near you have to be that you know what really annoying herself about day. They find it all the time.
They know it's not they're, not perfect in the sense that everything's going great their perfect in the sense that everything's not going grade and they communicate Joe you have to you know what those human beings that are strong and have their own life they're, going to clash and you're going to have a pattern that I was kind of draw like the design for the universe You know the endless, because it's really not one person's followed the others. It just happens when you try to bring the ends of the magnets together and they will quite close cuz it's the wrong ends, and so that force pops up and keeps pushing you apart, and you have to come back and take another try putting it back together and that's what the struggling is about. It's about. Looking for an into whatever that conflict is what what you generally find is that it's almost the same conflict over and over and over
yeah. You watch her for me I'll check that clear as a bell, it's harder to see it in your relationship, but when you go to have one you want to realize we're in this because we're rubbing each other wrong, because it's producing growth, because it's making me immature because it's activating a that says I feel really good about how I took that. That's why you're with this person, because he or she is doing the same thing and that works that last the other stuff. Now we all know, intellectually, that it doesn't. When you get me I do know ray what rules while not not haven't sex for five weeks or so not opening up to quickly letting somebody know you're, attractive and interested in them, because nobody deserves to be twisting in the wind in there on the rosis about whether it's okay but that's not the same as I want to get it on. I just had a fancy about you, that's stupid, the second we we sexual ass it today degree we're gonna scare, you me and we're gonna make
go are never mind. I don't need a self was that I just did this I'm not going to mention any names, but this guy pushed the date to two hours. Three hours came back to my house. I said I told my friend I didn't want, have sex and we ended up having sex. I never saw him again on my own. I do. I want to slow this down. I already done that. I've done that or a lot. But I think I heard his feelings. I would like to see him again. These still cut calling me index, you me and I wash it. Why should you feel bad that he would not respect your phone excited? the key heard were here. But what he wanted to hear. But I made there I made sure three attempts to end that date. But what if it had been something that says now aren't I get that I can respect the most young guys strike eyes right, would respect you more for, say, yeah, yeah air, not less. Anybody who genuinely cares about will be mildly d
appointed to completely understand eight months into my last relationship. He said: do you remember our fifth fourth or fifth date? We were making out and we were going to have sex and you left you like? No one's ever done that before and it was like. I know it's still a kind of a game kind of I didn't know if it was a game or not. I have the real truth to the story is that I wasn't ready for sex so, but they took it. No one's ever done that or in such a small thing, but it was like I give up. That more on a global level or more because I believed in it rather than play a game, you know it's just I would like this to work as this is actually the best chance is yes, Europe yeah. I guess you finally attracted that's funny about. Let's not stir this thing, yeah slow burn, yeah yeah because it burns hot. It brings out the ads. True mature love, as I have decided to love her, you are now here's a big shocker.
sometimes loving, who your are means. I can't have you sometimes your married to somebody else. It's inappropriate. The aged difference is too great, Some reason why I recognise that I probably not be able to stay and it's something you want cause. You wanna have kids in your thirty five and blah blah blah. You are your sisters keeper, so I also have to sometimes go it's not right for you Run the risk of fur I give men that advice sometimes and every one of them said that the woman, eventually after being really upset eventually communicated to say. Thank you. For being honest, you really save me a whole lot of payment trouble is the clock was tickin. Yeah. Are we conscious of each other and are we here to grow up and most of the time now, I'm here to avoid being hurt? I'm just horny scared we're not actually here to improve each other's lives and that's what that's what it is. But you know my ego doesn't always get what it wants.
that's ok, that's hard grownups, a bet you're just underbrush now trying to become a person when I feel. Attic tee, I can say that I I've tried want and when I'm not its feel so great, my sponsor used to say have an ongoing obsession with I mean my more now nails Some months ago I watched a rehab show worth things. Doktor drew he was what what triggers you to drink and she goes people places and things where I advocate that ready. I mean that's a whole another topic. For me, I've always mean I've talked road tax for years and years and years. very easy for me to wrap my sobriety in a diet rather than you know, quitting drinking
three months because I wanna be healthy, is very attainable for me, but quitting drinking for three months, because I think I ever unhealthy Hashem without caused. Very football for me and its stems into the sex. I think a poohpooh platter of a little bit of everything far as sex and approval, and none of them have ever gotten really me in trouble. You know, but it was it. That's another fortunate yeah, you're, also physically beg which for show but also with the your dad all that stuff. I think you know that would have been a moment if you're in an unhealthy plays yes, you would have turned for sure to any of those things to give you just a spike of good feeling was amiss, don't like some bad feelings but you didn't do that, and that might be a little that that heading bottom thing that annex talk about right now and you realize that this is just not working motivated and just how do you sustain them
I am. I am pretty sure that Dax would say the same thing that I'm sorry, I'm gonna say, which is your thinking about it all wrong. If you think Fremont six months one year, forty years in my case, has been thirty four, it's been today and when the old timers would say, I'm just like you. We know you congratulations, get ninety days I've got today too, as I want a launch a crab, it didn't seem real, but it's a hundred percent real the demon is still there. we have absolutely still there every single day every every time I've had a surgery, every Saint Patrick, it's there, and so I just don't do it today and I'm new noticed a pretty. Pretty damn sure about the immediate future, but who knows in five or ten years are not taken for granted. When I do it and that's how for relationships to in the patterns were Arabs patterns, wearin of Yad the same thing still
They earn. It's really not gonna go away than thing that stopping me the thing that's making you want to go on ten days of these things are moving force ourselves to break these patterns and do things get outside the box, but that's a fight That's gonna be be happening for for rest of Europe in the process of becoming a person and if you're a little a little phobic about certain things are a little anxious. You're have issues with anxiety and other things or depression or whatever your fingers. We we too evident everybody does and it's it's a stunning to realise that what is extremely rare, as do not have oh sure, mental problems of different kinds, and some of it is genetic dream touch on that, but the tendency to be obsessive, compulsive and anxious- about. It is almost always connected with the kind of behaviour your struggling. You can write it. Doesn't it's not completely casual But when I was a kid I had all these things were tearing the hair out of the back of my head and patterns and habits, and we
You have a name for the nineteen sixty yeah. That was just the way you boys, where Monica and just love boys is supported by better help online counselling, so life stuff. Lies throws you some things I just got thrown something recently: a medical condition and came out of nowhere really through me for a loop, and the first thing I thought was I gotta get into my therapist a sap, because everything said together, your physical help, your mental health. It affects every
we could all use help when we're feeling down but may not know exactly where to go for it and better help is available for you better help offers license. Counselors who specialize in issues including depression and anxiety, as well as complicated relationships. The only relationship, sleeping grief, stress, trauma, anger. The list goes on. You can connect privately with a counselor through text, chat, phone and video calls it's so easy, a very convenient and people get sort of hung up on, like I don't know how to do it or one of those were my insurance law, lots of things to get hung up on, but this is a super direct line, easy way. You can get help on your own time and your own pace and affordable rate Monica undress LE boys listeners we'll get ten percent off their first month discount code. Monica that's better help, dot com, Slash Monica. Why not get help better help dot com, slash Monica! We are supported by Roman Jes if you had to guess on average how many days people in the? U S have to wait to see a doctor. What
you guess a week in a half or two weeks, Americans have to wait around one, he nine days to see a doctor and Major: U S, cities, and so, if you're dealing with any condition, one being erected dysfunction, you need treatment, a sad. You can't wait twenty nine days. So that's why our friends at Rome, men have spent years building a digital platforms, can connect you with the doktor licence in your state. All from the comfort of your home, you can do it on your schedule. Grab your phone or computer, complete a free online, visiting you'll hear back from a: U S: ices position within twenty four hours and the doktor the size of treatments right for you. Romans pharmacy can ship your medication deal with free to day shipping you free, unlimited, followup said the doktor anytime, you have questions or you wanna just for treatment plan. This is a may. There should be no shame in over. There has to be less shame and more access to treatment. I think people just
should away in mute that button and know what you have to address it ends doesn't need to stop your sexual activity or your life with Roman. There are no comments you can cancel anytime. Super struggling with IE go to get roman dot com, sash, Monica for a free online visit and free to day shipping. That's get roman dot com, Sash Monica for a free online visit and free to day ship. Do you know when my dad died. He I now have all this stuff, and I sent her a letter that I wrote to my dad cause. I moved to America and my dad lived in Sweden still I have to say I would send letters diamond was eleven years old and three times In this letter I mentioned my way I got hundred and ten pounds. Tat was eleven years old meeting too it's me, I'm sorry I
the eyes. My parents definitely had some issues with food but see that eleven year old kid poligized for being a hundred ten pounds was like it. they laughed at its heart. Boyish harbour also Yeats, heartbreaking cause. It's carried into the need for the validation that you're, not fat and you're gonna ripped body in Europe have a guy in all this Christians are done. Harry's are any, I mean, that's not limited to gay men. I most women wrestle with that stuff. That's an I meet that break up and an Lou myself for, or maybe a year and a half of crying for four or five hours a day. Why was so devastating for me. Do you think a lot of what we do? We do because of the tat meant what happened to us for their parents at a young age. You know in your much more in touch with some of these anxieties and whatever you ve got. You know on a course got her pretty well in Tupperware, where she's not letting them out very much on the part of me. That's just once wrong,
Ryan. You know there are reasons for that, have have to do with Taliban and you when you sometimes when you trace your childhood back. No, no! You ve had some therapy. You you look for that. You say why did that kid feel so bad? Why was it his father? He apologized why was his father so obsessed with with something about him and his vanity or his perception, and you got sucked into trying to make him ok with who you are, and it may go all the way back to four or five What I was saying earlier that a lot of what we go through his honest post, traumatic, stress, flashback, yeah, and that's why we said I just feel like the ground is opening up. From anxiety or whatever, but when you are young. You you're not far enough away to see that right and you can't most of us, don't member very much until we're close to thirty about our religion. At my age I can
member now, you know being on horseback the depth of the desert, the here on the back of my neck. It's all a vivid as if it just happened yesterday, little thing so funny, because the other day just came over and we were talking and I was I go- we're gonna you know have harry on and is a great shall I feel, like I'm just a little nervous, like I'm nervous that this relationship podcast turning more into a about Us Paganel like That's just about us and all the shit that and am far nobody and finding the common threat. So even in our conversation or when you're, when you're trying to start a new relationship that beginning friendship or an door, thanks a major difference between a friendship that become sexual and a deep friendship. There shouldn't be yeah like that right there shouldn't, but to do that. I have to be willing to have these kinds of exchanges with those people before I sleep with them and get nuts if
Nobody wants to do that in the first and second, the second day to slip back to that question. That's pretty needed dont know. If you can hear me, I dont know, even if I'm gonna say this threat way, but as we get to know each other over time, when their sad element a you release a little. I do you do. I do we build trust and then we go. Shall we go to the next level at me? Sound formal, but it's not it's just slowing down and get out. that that wants to a woman was just a total romance attic and she said well. Nobody'd ever get laid I said considerably less but yeah in your case. That might not be about it. What do you want is where I would go it's time to ask, Really, I would almost be my assignment. What do I actually want? You come off, sometimes just like you're, the wheel guy. You know that that's funny Serbia. Can you ve got, but your much much gentler, much deeper and you ve been through some things lightly, their deep you're quite well.
my senses that you probably want something a whole lot deeper. It's it's just. I don't quite know how to get it. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't understand that right. Hence the beige parameters and hence the yes, you know: how old are you now? Forty three? I would. I would make the under thirty five for the braking line right, I'm open to anything, and I think that is a kind of perfect time. In my life after my dad died that I am carnival knew little Baby Phoenix, I dont have to be the old Jes anymore. I feel very fresh, tardy federal twenty two We. That means, you means, don't over, think, that's good! That's good! Sometimes people when they lose their parents will say I'm an orphan and I've. I have very different relationship with mine, but
but I'm always a little stunned by that, and then I realized it's because we carry way down deep, these unfinished ones, all of us- and I don't go today or don't think about my parents and my father has been dead since one thousand nine hundred and eighty three and my mother since ninety nine. Twenty years an end, you think about it in the older. You get the more you too, and I realize you know if you still in those deep fantasies, arts and mythologies that we carry if you're that little girl there can quite get someone's attention and whatever, if you're still that little boy it was like. I'm sorry, I e too much won't. No wonder we can't make our relationships work and if we can't find a way of sharing that like we are doing and what you can find a way of sharing. That would somebody that you want to be intimate with how we are going to have good Merrick, let alone even find partner. What have you done this work in these
people that we are meeting has it, some of them happened in you'll find out if you don't jump on the tender and getting back with them. But if you go if you're with somebody for three or four weeks- and you have- sex, and you begin to just watch their behaviour rest. are your talk met were you said I dont want to have sex, who pushed that. That would pretty much be strength, freedom for pretty much end, but not respect whatever place you were in, for whatever reason is a pretty big red lines had gone on a damp first date so you're lookin to evaluate me. not to be evaluated by someone else, and I completely get people get Horning. They get lonely, they have their own needs, they have their own childhood. I know that's judgment, but if you're not able to hear me enough when I'm being vulnerable, I'm not going to see you again. If I have slept with you, that's terrifies me, that's painful! That's abandonment, fear that can make me cry for it here. But if I haven't slept with you I can say I don't wanna see that's on how we
I have please don't reject me, doesn't get you the yeah, the closeness you're lookin, for you didn't feel you set about it wasn't respected. Headstall is ok, and I think it's important that you can say that I think it's important. We can also yeah what you want market what do want. I why a partner that challenges me- and I was what women that's, what we need but I want what I want to get out of my way is the wanting the thing I can't have. That is a pattern, and that is its a pattern in its defence mechanism it's a way to occupy my brain there. Let myself off the workers at risk minimal exactly there's, no real rest. If you take about your partners off the table, just it's the same kind
Yeah, I'm doing the impossible going see it never works for being more. We exactly scenes so in this all these episodes later were noticing way more think we come across as opposites, but it's all, may I say it's all the same and down deep, it's the same for all of us were terrified of antimony, terrified of in both from a kind of closing our Sophia. I just say you know this pattern of warming things. I can have and I mean him again, as I said in some- where, in some areas of my life wanting, something I couldn't have, has led me to just a beautiful, profound trays, its work DOW, which almost is, to my detriment in some ways in these relationship categories, because, unlike will it didn't work out, For me, in this lane and my career lane- or this are this, so it might work out for me here like I always have a crutch to stand out in some ways which I need to go to you. I need to get
of that because the not the same this relation to its hot or a safe journey. It's not some. Yes, I remember I was doing a group of with, like thirty people often amounts to two straight days. Therapy. But I remember this one woman who said very much funding, started crying and said: I'm never falling in love with anyone's potential ever again. So I'm not sure, but I call it s. True tune arrogance, if you think of us as a project, this guy's gonna be great when a polish and re right you may be setting yourself up over and over and over, but I dont think I actually. I dont think I have that. In fact, I think I have the opposite of that, which is another bad extreme, where I I but something perfect. Now I dont want to fix a person launchers available and shown you want something perfect man. Yes, I know No, no! It's interesting as another thing. The spirit of this brilliant woman therapist. Suddenly a million years ago was remember Groucho Marx, the comedian yeah, in what the cigars- and
he said once I would never join the club. That would have me as a member yeah and said you have the group chairmen. I was just really upset with her, but was going after narcissistic unavailable people and ongoing hooker bluff. The upper works, the exact and sometimes female commitment phobia. is just chasing the unavailable or inappropriate. Gainsaying again, I just can't have a boyfriend yeah well for and your pictures and right. Why am I choose? And if I literally deliberately choosing people. I can't have you and that's the enemy. Well, that's definitely for me a pattern for sure, because I've had a few circumstances where I've had a knife I entered into it like I normally do where there's just fancy like a teacher or something which have admin,
to put pressure on teacher her, ok and now I got you hey, I now any cliche. I made no, not cliche, but it's it's not at all and combat the air. If you ve had a father that might have Munich felt in some way disconnected or that was not resolved, then or sometimes if Europe wants to close, but that's pretty common powers on effort easier for women. So fair must lawyers, doctors, professors there is the feeling that comes from the year. I definitely do have that in, but there has been times or I've had Russia's and fantasies, and amends its felt at a distance like I like it always does Europe and then something will happen were like I'll, get to know them or something, and then
and it becomes a little more real or they start flirting back or something, and then I it immediately turns to. Oh no, you are no longer attractive to me. If you think I'm attractive and you're, not what I thought you were. You can't be attractive if you think I've checked it it's Superman loathing and bad, but it is similar to that club member. yeah. It is similar to that. It also reminds me a little of maybe of it's, not what you parties when someone response that isn't it in your family there in a different movie there in there, so you're the hot little interesting thing that Europe now Suddenly the earth Yang around my movie ruining my movie yeah. My movie is this authority figures just thinks I'm great, so maybe I'm want mentoring. I want
surrogate dad I want to. I want to heal something that's left over from. God knows what, but whatever it is it's powerful, and when I dragged you into my movie, it's kind of growth, it doesnt field, it distorts, outlines a fantasy, but it's not necessarily bad that you don't want that that shutting down the most Jake might be letting your picker go for the person, that's the unavailable in an appropriate, which is, I think, really what it near. That's it. That's it sanskrit smart as you are, that's a defence mechanisms be out thence. Therefore, therefore rapidly there ok all well here is moving forward. Now. What do you think I'm totally hurt malice just to another. I think I got a number now expert, no, no you're in a really good place. It's ladylike yeah, there's some pieces of of that kind of click together for you. I know my thinking is that you have those moments, those intermittent moments of of recognised-
not higher self. Now a body sat by the party, that's got a handle on wisdom and that's what you should be doing is should be backed a meditating twice a day. You should be running poetry, doing anything at both of you really that takes you Indy you, instead of looking to the outside for income answer. Thank you. You know I my spot. You used to say the first time you feel serenity, you're, gonna, think you're bored and my god he was actually sort of right, the as the drama kind of tapered off. I started to think what one among them do it myself yeah and then you can get your pleasure. Your I'm gonna write. But then I usually watch rear world roof, a child. That's the next steps are. What do you know I may be. I had an idea. I wanted to be loved by being an actor, but what? If what I want to do something different from that that a huge one for me there is rooted more was rooted more in what you touched with your father. What if I want to find some,
being more real, more present and that's what that is about. I don't know what that means professional yet, but that's not important. It's figuring out right now. It feels like yes, I'm in that that pocket. I know this is right right. This is the place I want to come. We can't avoid pain. I mean we're all in different movies, so we screw up and marriage is, can hurt in relationships can hurt course, but we can minimise stand by just being a lot more centred and ourselves. Our challenge, I lay I give us some challenges. What I actually was one in a sentence which is its it's, that idea of going in there and staying and earn saying. Where that teacher, you touched on it already on twenty men about being a good bought. You kind of now that there's something you could write and you ve been avoiding kind of no that there's a way about
do yourself that you haven't been doing, but sometimes after trauma after hitting bottom, you sort of sober up and start working programme then go back to the acting out countries. Think more. I act out when I'm having fun like when good things happen to me or when I'm happy I wanna go one step further. My sponsor said the ivy more dangerous to an alcoholic than failure. A success, yes and I definitely m that guy successes, crippling footsie, so yeah wow stiff so on it's really easy to envy from a distance wealth. I love your arm and pressure, there's something you have wanted to do thought about doing. You might have touched on when you ve talked about this woman, but there's something you ve thought about doing and you keep postponing avoiding not doing. There's something right in front of you, and I dont know what it is because we haven't had enough time. I find it, but it sometimes it's
Simple is start playing guitar. Sometimes it's about learning a language, but there's some found that bucket list that just internal would because you want it, that's something you want about how you'd look not about whether zones approving of you there's something. I dare you to help me just keep pushing it away and pushing away so to me, I'm next week, meditate twice a day, even if it's for twenty minutes or something half an hour and journal and the journal can just be morning pages you all, you do is just riding general thoughts, but what you're listening for is that little voice, you articulate that's for almost quiet, almost a whisper. That was satisfied. That said, it was the right direction. You wanna call home. You know sometimes your actually touching pieces of your own childhood or yourself. sometimes you're getting in touch with that eleven year old boy, except your telling him he's finally to meditate for whatever amount? Twenty thirty one and then right and then just right, ok, because the goal was not
judge or make it commercial or the goal is to see what comes out when you kind of quite your mind for a while and then just write something else. He would. It says on point you in because something important and then, maybe even when we resume their, you can tell us if and when you were able to tap into the little voice. No one has said right. My only friend Where is to feel like when I'm writing it because of the this x? This thing it's gonna to I wanted to be good, that's what I'm sat yeah I did. The goal is to make a quiet space and then see it and whatever comes out and it doesn't really matter. The goal is to get the monkey mind yet chattering monkey and our heads out of the way so that your trust emotionally present you do when you're talking sometimes and you do it when you're close here, emotions you know and that I'm really interested in how that Michael, linked to why you cried for so long
Say I don't know exactly how, but I guarantee you that not going there a links to what, but a lot of that creep was about think those two things connected, that's as much as I want to give away Ok, my challenge new tougher. If you stay hidden more than ten trusted yeah, that's true very. I am inclined to think this stuff we were talking about about pursuing the unavailable. Then are you the place that you got? Were you? and if see that it's an excuse of sorts- and you know what are you actually want? You said I want a partner who would challenge me yeah and you dont pursue people who will become partners and challenge, I get the other peace. This same. Wonderful woman, therapist said that I was talking everybody in the seventies sleeping around and saying we should be casual and I'm like. I can't do that. I don't know why I just does not, and I
but she was going to tell me why I had all my sex hang ups on sooner my Ellie RAM shirt, and she said I know her- it's like using someone else's body to masturbate, as I completely understand why that is- appeal here: why do I? Why do ice wants something? And then why have I decided to fence very intellect- very smart defence, but its intervention, the fantasy safer. I controlled yeah exactly how to write the fantasies down if you ever made a list of menu fantasized about and look for common threats now. that's your assignment, oh boy, and a little the same idea like sitting quietly and then writing yeah if you want to meditate great, had done heard anybody spin proven to change the brain over two or three years really works, but the point is to create a space where you get the thinking this darkness in the patterns of the way, and you just write down like you said in passing. I prefer
Terrors, that's not uncommon, but what is it? I am seeking, because that's the little girl what does she seeking yeah? You know they're, not gonna I dont know the answer to this, but I suspect one reason should keep repeating it is you're not listening to her or I might listening to her too much. I dont know what might My gut feeling is like the similar. Finally, my gut feeling is that if you, if you hang in there, you might start to see that when you pay attention to that part of yourself that deep vulnerable part of yourself and your taking care of him or her you're a lot more likely to chew someone else who would be kind. My question for you floor her is technically where she can meet these people. She worked seventy hours a week and she thinks that these people aren't around kind of thing. So in our read my best friends you, I then just yeah we're all in a big blunder together, half dagoes searching for
film it beyond. I wouldn't want it. I mean it's a trite word to say, work a holiday but its it. I've defiling done that, and it gives you these long stew. what a time we almost don't know you have needs or that you're in paint it does and when I was in my twenties. I went through a year and a half, I think, working really hard for publishing company and a friend of mine gave me a necklace that was like this cheesy gold necklace was pretty too large set available and said. I just want you to wear that. You know when you go out industry things or somethin course I could not move, would not do it, but I think It sort of made me realize I was walking around saying. There are no pretty women in LOS Angeles and dairies. There's a drunken it all right, but I honest to God, didn't singing exactly. I was shut down you, but I think you asked earlier about sexually anorexic. I think I was
Now I was shot down that it would that it was there so that I don't even have to battle with a yes, and if your concern me hours a week, you very well might be doing or an end. What was so interesting about weeks last month's challenge is once it got down to the wire and I felt like ok. Here we are, I I absolutely have to find somebody. There was a switch that got flipped there. I think so many people are able to do all the time. This is how they operate through life, which is ok. Where are they doing? Something that was off was just immediately active. That's a great culture, yes in
in just ok, who's gonna, be whose cute do I've energy with who and I'm never thinking the wise man ever thought that way back them at all. I'm almost actively not thinking those things I think it's it takes. That was part of both the idea for the challenge. I think it takes effort Sir Press yeah actuality the need to belong the wanting to open up. I think we actually do want those needs all the time, and so most of our psychological constipation is about suppressing. I worked six hours if set my restaurant and all six, where me and the girls are Kanzi walking by each other and telling everyone what table and what position Guy is hot out. I love. I never loved. Fifteen p three love fifty four five, it's funny, but it is that thing like I'm never know,
look you're, always looking, and in that way it's a game. So it's like it's fun thing. You do our work, so everyone has that button pressed of eyes, opened a martyr hand. Two goals, while in in the game in the game, brought an organ the challenge version. The tentacles are out of, like ok, you're. Ok, the feelers are outdoors like those tentacles, wouldn't it so for- and I know I just felt so new and I did like it- I like. Oh, this is what people do they go to a bar and they are looking yes and I'm not an it feels different. It's not bad that you look at it. There were arrived. Just who you are you can't let yourself hide from everybody or yourself, and I think if you listen to me you may be clear about what you want, yeah get. Those tentacles out for us
You're not gonna have to listen to your book. We want to see others, and I want to Gaza somebody's going to. Let me know where we keep the outdated are here, thank you so much for coming this you're, fantastic and helpful, and and, as just said, the relationships are just tide us to our own issues in our own everything SAM agree, believer enlargement and I've got lots. Arguments with Michael it's about air and I'm a believer in marriage and I'm, but I'm really a believer in the fact that a big part of being together is to be challenged, taught something when I divorced the first time I wasn't sure would remarriage has so painful to divorce, and then I saw that my friends there were out, partying or or or just avoiding and so on, seem to be stuck there.
feed in cement thing never grew emotionally, and I thought I'd that dont want that I'd, rather just try to choose more wisely, which fortunately dead, so that I keep learning something and hopefully em and beneficial. My wife and children. Something to thank you so buying here, laissez faire. Ask him