Hi. My name is Pat MAO's and I feel anxious about being Conan, o Brien friend. I welcome the firms pay their welcome to another episode of Colonel Brian needs, a friend because time, a middle aged white man had a broadcaster America. My opinion. Ok enough is enough, and I'm joined by my

going Assistant, animal testing hoary sown- and I quote in good near yeah. I'm excited about today show man goarly. How are you our middle aged ban spoken like a true middle age, white man. Thank you for speaking for us by the way someone had to. I don't like this. You know like this. If you speak for so now, you speak for young women, empowered young women who are you are two thirds armenian one. Third Greek. I was where I am three quarters: armenian. One quarter, greek ochre Andy at its very specific demographic, but I've got that unlock who live in Glenville yeah. So your people are core

people odium him. You know you're relative, you can't say things like gear people. I met your relative, your mother, your father. I might say to me all the time: how are your people and I think, like oh yeah, my dad's doing, I thought you, men, Armenians in quarter, Greeks, know who goes around saying hey how the armenian quarter Greeks doing if that's what you're talking about you're better. Do you know who we were hanging out with a bunch of corn. Greeks kiss me. I'm quarter Greek. I dont like hey, there's a quarter greek parade tomorrow. Without you, anyone want to go to the court agreed parade with me. You're gonna get some quarter. Greek food love some its is, let's get some quarter greek yogurt and then there's a quarter of a fruit at the bar. Ok, small in euros treated now. I dont want to waste time today I enough of your chimeras and your babbling. I'm trying to keep this ship headed into port.

You two are fooling around on the poop deck. So let's, let's get things straight. Before before we get to our guests, I really want to talk to. Let me mention quickly. If you like, my travel, shows we got another one Conan borders Australia, errs on Wednesday April seventeenth at ten o clock p M on TB ass, it's a good one as it you'll enjoy it, and more episodes of corn without borders are streaming now on netflix dot com, Slash Conan are right. There

MS, come and sitting with me today very happy at such a brilliantly funny man, Mr Patten, Oswald a button: do you have any anxiety about us being friends? The only anxiety is what Eddie that low level anxiety that any comedian gets hang out with another comedian. Where are you don't wanna walk away feeling like Alcott? They don't think I'm funnier, I just wasting an hour. There is well, so you feel that I always you'll help each other for a long time, but I don't you know when you hang out with with your friends, especially you to want to feel like you're, the riff killer or that have already bomb recent, and there is some days when you're just off and your hang out you like, I just don't- want to be the dead spot. And the day have you can you,

I'm guessing. You can remember right now moments when you around some of your committee carers and you slightly misfire meeting quite have it and you want to think about it later on it was it. There was a member of my God. This just leaped to mind. I was hanging out one day was me a clean named Tony coming Brian Post same my think, blank page we were driving up odorant F Francisco and we were in a car, so everyone just been pink back and forth. Just did we have to offer something and animal what was going on, but my risk gun was jammed and everything that I said if there was a a just three seconds of the most ass grinding silence and then I became not only did I became aware of it and they became aware of it. So then, after a while, when I would say- and it just would not- it was not funny and then

one point. Somebody tried to laugh, which made it so and even more marking- and I hope that is the worst. Then they went out of their way really not to laugh, doesn't need to know what was going on and it was. It got to be so bad. At one point I said something, and there was another three seconds: silent and Antonia Communion patent cut a joke Zack. I wanted just one of those times when it's just not clicking high. I have an incredible memory, for what didn't work, and this is much too the despair of my writers and integrated in my life when let's go well and I've been fortunate enough that often things go well. I have no memory of it, but when you're saying go well, I thirteen years later a writer can pick something- and I say, oh yeah. Why?

You know Hindenburg mustard and in its referring to like a weird sketch from thirteen years ago, I've that that writer pitched and it didn't work and the black less waste. If you remember Hindenburg Master another like well, you have the open and he had the middle, but there the blow to the scene. It really work. Did it nobility you fucker, you can literally remember the day. It was Tuesday. This date we are in the writers room. We had gotten quiz nose like you remember that for some reason that just an especially, I would imagine you in the writers rooms at you, ve been in yes in between especially the simpsons I've heard, can be a very harsh unforgiving writers room when somebody could do something and edges dies think everyone's trying to operate at it. Be higher level, I would say, was right of all the writers rooms, the simpsons had the most intense

action in one room of very, very high octane writers that was intimidating. I mean every single writer in that room, wise on all star, and I remembered showing up there and being very intimidated. in terms of actual fear, concern alive and external wily, because It is people are vying, is a competition. There's these very few slots to get sketches on you know when episodes a year and People are very aware that I get something on this week. Did I not get something on this week and you can smell it in the air? There's like a primal fear. And, oh, my god, it's a colony writers version of the movie, the favourite you are all trying to via for not only Laurens approval that whoever the guest stories that weak right amended then that dynamic,

this is, and I had always wins it ends with me. Servicing Lorn Agnes shot at it. Stays on learns face for a long time. We looking off into the mid distance and you're not equate to Stuart Sarah serving who and all but also its gonna shit, because some weeks year. your guest host is Tom, Hanks? Really, ok, let's give this guy the Glengarry leads and there's another week if the house Stephen Cigar relay quo. Mimulus gave him the best that I have great. It's just can t kid crown nurse also just now this is reminding me. I'm having a flashback are PTSD Flash back to the house. The show was legendary and you know it sometimes. Yes, you get your Tom Hanks trustee. Martin, you get your Robin Williams. We'd have on these people on what was just an absolute joy. Yes, and then it was

The host was George Steinbrenner, the crank he kill a guy who owned the yankees- and he was I want to say- is at the time seventy four years old, Griffith Vanity S, angry guy- that only eight red meat and yelled in array and was constantly firing, everybody and having feuds. He was the person I remembered. We didn't have a monologue form that weak and so Lorn as remember ever reminiscing recently, I think with John Mulvaney about this. You of course was probably five at the time, but he I was telling him about and was on his second season riding on the show exactly he was writing for the show in utero but remember there was some idea that wasn't even our idea, someone, but there was a monologue and it was getting to be. Like Friday aim. There was no monologue for George Steinbrenner and some

had pitched him an idea. He had rejected it and Lord said to Bob Odin Kirk and I just just go back and push that again, George Steinbrenner just go in and pitched tomb, and we were sort of nervous. We said yeah, but he here, he told us said he. He doesn't like that ideas that were not just go back and just you know finesse it just be like at this time. You'll see so we went downstairs and Odin Kirk and I are kids when our twenties and we go in, and we welcome the rumour losers time router I and he's he has any turns around he wheels on us and he disarmament. Giant world series ring on his hand the weight more than my head shores yea and he looked at us and eyes aware guys we're right. Well, the monologue member. The idea where you come out is a guy. That idea already worked well wages. We just

now, the guy down, I said now get Kirk and I are generals. He's genitals went up into my body, I genitals, went out and turned a liquid and slithered under the door cited let's never being comedy again, but to get by yell that by a guy who professionally knew how to like get your lines, he knew how to crush a spirit forever what was going to the gap got applications that today. Ok, then let me ask you some because I remember very distinctly in that episode. The George Steinbrenner one another, but I won't remember, remember, as I have only remember negatives- ok! Well, no, but they got him to do a sketch. Like some kind of slim, fast coercion and it's him and POL pot, and Other here, a terrible dictator talking about weight, loss so I who

nature, but they got that idea. Fruit and probably didn't know who pol pot. Ok, that's how it got thrill. They probably, they may have said, to have used up all you like now these areas and in fields for the citizen says, do it. I gotta get more red meat into my call before were you there were you writing when travelling fast hosted. I don't think so. It's ok I dont is here was a delight as host like her who totally took the piss out of himself and how many times people would come and mean that that thing you be shocked at how cool they were here and I would say one of my favorite things and I believe this may be the same, for you is meeting, legends and and people. Grew up. Here's my rule, if I grew up seeing them on television or in the movies, they will be a god to me. Yeah and there's this phenomenon where you- and

get to meet really talented people who are our age brought our aid area or younger and we're like. While I have a lot of respect for that person, but we don't go into a swoon when we see them right, very happy and delighted to meet all these young people or people who are my peers, who I think, are extremely talented, but I'm not in awe journey there's this weird thing about. I can it won't. You know where I met dawn knots. I was an end. He was a guest on my show. John knots and I remembered sitting in a highchair watching here. You know the Mayberry show the Anti Griffith show and does not as Barney five I thought I

Think of anybody, yeah I'd, be more excited to see then die knots, and that would mean more than to me then say as much as I admire President Obama. I've been excited here I don't know, Because I grew up, see exactly yeah there. Is that weird degeneration before you and you see them walking among you. It does feel like you're having a visitation from some other worldly being in some ways when you meet me like, oh, my god, that was person right there what I mean Don Notch was John Merrick had famously told the night What do you think he one like three or three or four mps in or whatever was, and he was about to tie or beat, does not record and John Merrick had told the night for people do not submit me next year. No one should win more amazed and does not like he wouldn't allow it s going to this kind of wow.

Ok you're. He put that story out after he law after he lawyer the only what I would try and get it and I get it and then say I instructed my people. Do I don't know my name got in there, but I made sure the voters didn't go for me is because I work with Paul Lapel who I'm such a huge fan of she was she's on my show, Ap Bio and she wrote on personnel. For, of course, you guys overlap. Yes. Well, I would be. I was around stereotype when, as the years I was doing the late night show, I I hosted once as an hour, but I was around so I knew who polyparies right and I'm a fan- and she told me some really fascinating stories about, and I will repeat the names because her more contemporary about her they had that were insane disappointments. That kind of God, like.

Never again as this person coming back like it, I was colonel only God. Some people that I didn't expect to be terrible, hosts word terrible, hosts rife and she was always a Burma when some comes in. You were so excited about their work and they are just not on their data don't get the show or there they think they're disrupt your man and It gets really bad. It gets about yet ass usual sell me real. I would refer. You can tell the first night when there's a tradition where we all sit on the floor of Laurens Office in, and I think this is I'm sure that nothing has changed in Rwanda. Thinking of this changed Protestants, nineteen, seventy five, but we all sit on the floor of Laurens Office and and it will come in the house, comes and insist on a chair laurens by. His desk, the hostess sitting in the chair and the rest of us are either on couches or on the floor, and we all pitch too

the house. That's usually the mood centre for the we all. That's when you do tat how right there wags wow angle, I can only find she just wants. You want the whigs and fake teeth all she was she. Why so dear? She doesn't want to do or ask. Then how does it work with someone goes into again. There are the Tom Hanks, the CE marking, the hour Baldwin's, and I think you can almost put I'm John HAM and maybe Amazonas Animalism Mccarthy definitely worth those are just Giddens. We're gonna put the even if they have nothing to plug, let's put them in because they will be amazing, and so we can all relax like yours. Do you guys spike stockpile good stuff, we can all relax like Do you guys how good stuff for the really amazing, how sometimes or I'm gonna say- maybe some people did. I never did. I always felt

as a sort of desperation right? I just got out this week. I didn't feel like I had. I didn't have the self confidence to this is really good Boeing and a whole bag of this right right. This isn't a side single, but I do not hold back. I just if I had some good. I was trying to get it on one of the things and then move astern alive yours. We should talk about you at some point, but one or two things that I always found really interesting is yes the Ce Mark in the Tom Hanks, and there are an absolute joy, but the flip side. If that is that there is one versatile that things it's was something really great, for them is a challenge one of the nice. It's really interesting one of the things it's really interesting is that I always that sometimes the jack who would come on like Simple Wayne, Gretzky Wayne Gretzky came on and you could put him in anything and if he was, if a jock, if great athlete or apply,

petition who's out of their who doesn't isn't, doesn't have any acting ability. If there, Game Suddenly it's hilarious executives really hilarious. If affair. If they're saying Hannah go for it, they can be fantastic because there, showing you this their tour de force. You know multi faceted ability right, you're there, just being. Oh, my god, it's really funny to see you know Wang Gretzky or five or someone just give it a shot. It's fun. Yeah there who's, the guy Eli Manning was was was shockingly a really funny HO slick, genuine

nailed every sketchy was in his grave knows? We not do any. If this was a sports chat. Radio show me, I never go who's. The guy me I mean you can tell I still haven't. I know exactly how there was one day. I think I who throws the Mai Michael Jordan, with a bad boy, will, I remember, when Obama was running against John Mccain, two thousand eight, and I knew the moment that I knew matter. Obama would win, but I knew that John Mccain felt like he was gonna lose was mistress, is a comedian when I was why, He Smith and those are the ones we both want. They rose each other in a bomb, came out and was funny, but not rate because he was If I fucked up one line here, I could blow this blow this right and Mccain went up and was so loose and so hilarious. That is a comedian like he must

looking at some numbers in and knows what I'm not going to win this files just say what I want, because he was so good and you never have better. That's a comedian. When there's nothing at stake right. You know. I remember one of the best I ever had was when I was at the punchline em they're auditioning. They were doing another round of star search and I was told by may manage, like they ve already passed on you. They want like these four people, but they need people patent social so that everyone else in the show was I gotta get on star surgeon. Do my five minutes and because I'm I dare not fuck and looking to me, so I just did whatever I wanted and had such a create six. My. How can I I wish I can hire a hypnotist to recreate mindset in my head before every shovel likewise doesn't matter, and I would just go out- and another reason I have a late night show is because there was a addition and I went to pick thinking. There is absolutely no way I'm going to be. Did Letterman's replacement, they're a five thirty in the or some you

the chance. If I did well, I get a five thirty in the morning and you know how well there's been cattle report. Here's the crop report, but I so I was so loose that after was done with it. I scared myself, I thought I'd come from outside, it would have just done now, and I might add that I might have to do this. That's awesome. Eighty two, eighty truly is true that there and there is a lot of stories about people nailing auditions, getting iconic movie rules because they just didn't that was there I mean that the famous story about ghostbusters was bill. Marie did goes busters, so the paramount or whatever studio was doing goes. Busters would do razors, razors area. So when he

doing the movie Ghostbusters he's acting like. I could give a shit about this, which is his character. Should I just why he's so brilliant in the movie cuz he's like I'd. This is all stupid. I'm just a couple of takes I'm going home so that some of that attitude can really really hot in the right circumstances. It just nails it. I do think it's one of the things that helps with teen comedy I I'm sure you'll feel the same way. So you don't even to a grave and we're just gonna you damn is entering at me, but there's think about doing thousands of ours of continuity, which are those of us have dined where you get to a point where you ve done it. So much that when it's going well you do feel like there's a knife at your throat, yes, and because you I feel like there's a knife at your throat. You can most enjoy. Yeah. This is it's interesting. Yours isn't really going that well and then yet silly and then you find stuff,

four tighten up. You get well, though, the one thing that I have always said this is we ve had nights, I'm sure you ve had episodes of your show. I've had many men on stage where you walk often go. Oh, my God did. I just eat the biggest turd and then you wake up the next morning and up world still spinning. It did like wasn't Eleanor and there are deterred, had some nutrient at an end and nursery, and he was fully digestive holofernes, leered mice, and then that gets you over that fear and a new in the end that intro too, that a sea tv box set that member buying- and you wrote that interim you said this at the least needy comedy ever receive- always remember that phrase as comedy is not me. Yes, it's not desperate Lee trying to get people alike yet in that way the most common ensure that way. It is you, always tell them. The tv I'm older than you, but I grew up by my

My tv era was mid to late seventies and that's what I'm watching tv and a lot of it. He was very needy. Yes, meaning is only three networks and On the contrary, as I hope you like it, I like us we're good P, where people are all nice people here, yes, and that it was this big comedic mindset, and then I think it was one of the things that was really so. Revolutionary about the times we found ourselves in expressing the cable world where people are aching show. Where this is my dream. This is what I want to yes and you like this or you can, fuck off it doesn't really it's not that import I'd like to be able to do more of these right, and so I've always been attracted to you know s c tv had that kind of feeling of this is what we're doing Monty Python yeah. You know, I think one of the things were so revolution about money. Python is

they're, doing this, and they had no idea of anybody like that. How many people like Erika Idle may, like we didn't know we re making making it cranking out for the BBC and not getting paid much, and we can get feed back in the They came to America couple years later and realize they were gods. Yet, like God, it was like the Beatles yeah people were shouting their phrases like people were shouting phrases in that they did not know we're catch raises, go. That was a cat. Ok, I you know nudge nudge, wink link, which Eric Idle, very famous set, is one of the worst script, one of the worst catches ever on paper. It looks like gobbledygook right and it can and in it only worked when he he Terry Jones actually acted it out and from the other amendment. Ok, this is good, but it was one of those.

Gonna. Let us just shoot this, and this will work when they go. For many people, high school is an embarrassing time of life. It can be embarrassing if you had that sooner. I did not. I was an incredible jock. What no captain of every team, every single sports team. You can't change the narrative captain of every single team by ice. I feel like. No one would believe that lost my virginity fifth grade. Ok I was just incredible, so I don't know, but I told it, people have a hard time of yeah yeah, I'm sure. With your awkward body see, upsets supper you seem sorry, usually when people feel really sorry, they laugh so hard. They can't catch their breath. Okay! So now you win, I had some difficulties in high school. Yes, you know I'd it

and all smooth sailing. What yeah? Ok, that's really funny yeah, I guess the jokes on me yeah anyway laughing at you again. We hear nothing when upon Castillo here, no Anyway, this new show a new show called every. Things gonna be: ok, and heard the sun. They show up it's it's quite compelling, sir. I think a key character. Her dad is dying her gay, australian, half brother moves in two razor End of the show is called everything's going to be okay and it's these two characters. Matilda and genevieve- and this does not sound like your typical sitcom matilda- has autism and Genevieve is just as someone who's dressed up like a quote child whore widow, and these characters. I guess have all these adventures. I have a half brother Nicholas, there's a funeral. Everyone shows up. Apparently they

he's, got a little off the hook. This may sound depressing, but I'm told this show is really find a watch. I'm sorry did you see a little off the hook? Yeah, that's, that's all. That's always kid say it sounds like it could be depressing, but then it's off the hook. Now, although I used to correct, ok yeah, so maybe you're in Kronk village. Why I'm quite content- and I use that equally, I re worried I don't throw a hazy over, there are losing oh, my guide, everything's gonna be ok, that's the name of the show out of here. I just turned eighty mecca: premiers January, sixteen thirty, eight thirty, seven, thirty central on free form. That's right! watch all my entertainment free form check it out. I remember I got bogged called in this. It was a real club, Sir Leon

that's a lot in Milwaukee was named after Rio night and actually able very, very obscure night, the up and in the middle of my set Was getting nothing this and I never forgot, does this very, very well dressed distinguished Getting older african american man stood up, where are the where the jokes in this He does any wasn't yelling if you just want where the joke to this and the whole crowd sat silent, no one. I'm getting to the music I think you really really like doing this like this is something that you see

have a passion forward and unworthy of a talent for this in a lousy bill. Had Persian, wasn't, Morgan Freeman down came TAT, sort of thing this was during emanating. Will this happen remember that period when they were all the day. I think Chris recorded the MAGIC Negro movie is where there was a a black character that would help a white character. Legs guide them spiritually due to dislike the height of movies, a legend bagger Vance Annual, an end Morgan Freeman, who, in everything- and it was just like- was an eye aft and by the way as single this and no one in the chronicle of a sinner. There are like year, maybe listen to this guy and then there's a halo behind yams, weird and remember going up. My roommate was that

back of vans. My doubts about its do we like, because he was so articulate and he made such a good document like. Oh dear God, I remember that in the in the world of late night, and so many people come and go, but there you know, you see. Sometimes people get into late night, annual, even read interviews with, say long. Do this for little begs to take a break from there, the movie career and then I'm gonna or or this this is going to launch me into the ash and movie Career- is going to launch me incidents relaunch mean to that, and I remembered we were doing some really weird sketches and ends on television in getting a paycheck and thinking. Why would I can't leave this yeah? This is the only thing it's like I ever gonna get better than their self. You know it's, I might

fallen and now want to make it clear. No one was ever interested in putting, nor should they be so it's not like I was trained. I offer is about fair, remembered, occasionally somewhat so they will. You ever think, you'd want to you know. Maybe you could do a buddy movie like why I would I would know I want to say- and I will not work with his good writers. They have around me right now and with what comes directly out of her head, we get to execute. We can execute whenever we conceive yes and which even more fun, because we the limited budget. We have to think of really creative ways to pull it off, which makes it even more fun yeah all that's. Why would you that's them? That's the dream of your committee and well, you know it's twenty. We did a thing, this who are couple. Probably

four days after this sketch aired, but we do a sketch where this very talented writer we have named Andre, do beside my god and I love him and he's in the audience and he's dead. As one of the game are thrown characters and he, I think he's there, because he loves game of thrones and any end. He talks like a game, a throne, but then it turns out. No, he just really loves the show, while burners on my knees, idea, ass, hamburgers doing in the Caucasus and

the sketch, gets even stupid or less the beginning of the sketch. Here, that's what I love, but then he has interns and his interns are falcons. You know like falcons that come in to deliver information to me about the what's coming up on one or two things I love the most. Is that we'll just have stagehands with falcons? Honest sticks, well, yeah baggily end at the end he says: let us flee and he let runs up the stairwell at the audience and he followed. I was always tell the directors stay wide so that we can see the stage hands and running after him with long fishing, apples with birds hanging off of them, and I want you to stay on it, and so the last union stage had made his way and running of I'll with the fish Paul, and I thought, if I it smart and was looking out of my finances. I would have gotten myself into a world of comedy where we enemy.

The falcon nausea all is going take. No, it's never gonna get better millions at this thing. Wrapping up the stairs with fish bulls. Oh my god. I remember you What do these guys? There was one sketch I'll, never forgot Miss when jungle you played the house rip basement hosted the show that guy blame and you got sick and he was. I keep waiting for something to go wrong and it's his time and he has go our next gas. It keeps saying goose any so, but went on for so long and was weird. Was the sketch ended up working. That goes. It wasn't funny, but because John Glacier was so kind. Emotional and end pathetic is a guarantee that the audience genuinely started rooting for him and bombed when it wasn't working out from their come on blazing BT. Its BT explained have carte blanche to come and meet audience in it. We would like the this.

It failed because it worked too well. Well, I just like any other grovelling way. I think that this is a problem with someone said recently as it so audiences archest they're carrying too much time. I said I thought that's true, sometimes you're in front of an audience and you'll and Elsie something self deprecating appeal again. Well, you know that the thin lips in the media, the credibility and now here we like you and you think, o this way- and I just now that these here for you, God when that is politically again, come comedy centres when you're doing the really brilliant anti comedy it can work against you, but for a very beautiful reason: yes, because they crowded Rudy area, that's good, as that's being that's called being screwed by the fundamental idiocy of men, yes, airily as yes, I am very passionately want to talk to you about something that yoletta comedians. That complain as part of their comedy, and I think what sets you a parties. You complain about things that are so specific it and and so specific to you, but you described them your language,

Your imagery is so exact vat, You get everybody on your side, complaining about something. That's is completely you know I mean I would think that comes from. I remember I wish I had a group of friends around me in high school men in college that they were all always very, very funny in very good. One thing that I love hearing about is friends of mine. Who have had really shitty and ridiculous jobs and when they, when they're, really good at describing all of the different personality dynamics in the workplace, and they have to go and all the little in jokes on. Even the though you dont work in that officer in that restore, you get a sense of the place and it makes the story really really fascinating in theirs. That thing, like alike, almost want to work there. Now, like it sounds me, I know I'm sure data day it should be, but the stories this person's getting out of it makes it very

fascinated me because it also makes you think that, oh, how many, how many bad times have I had in my life and I could have made more tolerable if I had been funny about it or look at it from that angle, so you know alive when I'm complaining about something. What I'm doing is I'm trying to cope. Cope with how annoying or soul crushing it is, finding a humorous angle because, It's the phrase. If you, if you can market, you can manage it right. So the lot of the things that bother me I'm also like, but there is then came a delightful about this. Remember when you said you wanted the poor and email spammers to spell check I think that such a great crusade, yeah, I want porn males spammers city, you sit check because I would there was a time where I was. All of this. You know getting span for everything. There was a time when everyone is getting spam. Bianca dishpan blockers, but in if and for some reason like that the spam for lake, you know, get

vacation, house or get you know, was old, but for some reason the porn spam was all misspelled like aggressively misspelled to the point where you're affecting This is heard in the effectiveness of the email, because I have to I have to translate, lay cock or kiddies eat like don't make me because in then all the thrill is out of the f. You know if you smell it wrong. Yes, yes, so it saying nothing kills interaction faster than a correct spelling. You want to suck my click: ok, yeah! Ok! I get watch my thesis that it lacks my proch yeah sure

by pens in her that way. Oh ok age is near the Debbie. I see what they did. Ok, like don't write you Terry or you being chased while you're writing your points made only what is genuine unless it is morally kill me and you wanna contact them and just about the spelling their times, and I got a friend of mine said: don't because if you respond, then you get like eighty more, but parliament wanted to go. Look I feel like this is about, but if there is a person, their key, very easy to spell check these words in their current crucial. If you want someone to get turned into the spotlight on I again, I don't wanna meet a guy because I feel like it. I like him. I worked at the porn spammer wherever that the the bought farmers for their sending these out, I be the guy going guys, but this

is called the emu and widened trunk and whites elements style, we're gonna, it's a thin book. You can read it in ten minutes so worth it right right, but is really not that this is not as not hard to make a good first impression. Okay, so let's just but it was made that really did Stuart only that there was all this misspellings inspect one in a way that wasn't just drove me. Crazy I kind of to a weird crusade going on early on in twitter and and then my life is ISA like you're nuts, but I don't know what it is whenever I am in a Starbucks, and I go over to that. Dear that fixes area with their sugar in the grounds- and it's always a fucking met. It looks like eight. There was

a sailor brawl near the faintly how many people were doing in Kramer, but it is like just destroyed item like your opening, a coffee, you're opening one packet and dump. How are you making it? It's all six someone's going out of their way to make a messy, and I always clean it up and it was like. I was turning and I said I was turning into like war shackling one day the Starbucks people will look up at me and go. We need,

condoms in area, cleaned and I'll, look down and whispered? No, you, hedge! It's like I join in and I absolutely clean these places like what is going on, but mainly despair for humanity, because it's the easiest thing they keep clean and they can do it if they can't do that. No we're never gonna have a moral colony of putting your coffee and independently without getting the diva, where wages are going to be a market where there is a modest quality, but it's just the outside of the colony is just littered with we met it is we are managed things right, never, cleaner, more coffee regulation ever not litter. Like that's our problem, that's gonna, be the thing that us down and mean I got really

I kind of went over the top of their bit like I was. I was posting a lot of pictures of and I would always say which Starbucks I was in like what the hell people in them. But then I checked out Tom Hanks this instrument. We ve, found him on Instagram he's obsessed with fighting one glove on the ground. Yes and lions. I was one glove and it's kind of beautiful, like there is a thing. Why would you leave? I? Would you not know that you'd lost a glove its and you know that you're thing when you look it's Tom Hankses these his instagram and he has these shots of when the dissenting its ear, it is very and its also sad and you feel like there's a story behind yeah what happened here. Why is this one gloves year and now he thinks that some people are setting him up peace founding freely, where he feels like people have planted a glove OJ territory but feels that people have planted like seen him gotta go into a you know, support layer, quiz now, and then they go out of my way to love and he's he's a little suspicious. Sometimes it looks a little too neat and tidy.

it was a time I stop bothering him because we didn't move together, so we email every now and then- and I won't whenever and watching, because he- and I are bees way more says my habit- he really loves manual typewriters, I'm sure he's asked you about that and I love or do not to the level that he is like he is a he's, the truck the equivalent of a manual typewriter phantom again literally knows every make a model and I'll be watching some old movie on t, see, em and thereby and I'll take a picture of God. I can sell Emma Bonino Mealy go. Oh yeah, that's a yeah. That was an the olive Eddie, I'm eggs out enemy. I call my god. It's really amazing what he can do We hires you, I know you're a key means: do he needs to do a CSI law and order types, overhaul crimes inch, one typewriter, the guy that can be initiated and most crime, not most crimes, but a lot of crimes used to be solved because they would match the typewriter. Oh

an end, what went like one letter is too low. She asked yes, this Smith Corona drops the owl that's right when it's a capital, but not when its lower case, so the murderer is Bruno. How can I know right now like it is right that was the family? By now they ve had to advances in technology are ruining crime movies in because there's so much now, where you know it's so great a match up to a typewriter, someone's gotta go hide the typewriter and a marsh yeah now at all revolves around a cell phone or at exactly have the data from the cell tat. What was great, there was a golden age and we ve lost. There was a golden age of really really right at it at that on the internet and social media and and using computers there, crying tv shows and movies that did just did not understand how any of that worked and would do these weird cracked

dot com that a whole article about these moments. There was one moon on end, see where they're trying to like to hack something and then the guys, the keyboard and someone else gets on the keyboard with him. Like two guys, I swear to God, it was weird like that's how the internet works great one there was, it was an episode of Valencia is, I think it was another episode. Csi were bare, once again, I dont there was some kind of one of those weird second life chat rooms where you log on theirs, there's partners an avatar that walks around and talks different people so that they know the murder victim was doing

somewhat enshrouded with his other person in this world, so they create an avatar and then I go into the world and they walk up to the guy, the other guys avatar, and then he runs away. So the chaise him thing where anyone watches or he would just would need to log off. Why were the voting? That's called some constant people in their fifties. Exactly as you know, we need this to involve the internet, nearly guy ray, I say when they call it tries to get away. The avatar leaves a footprint and it would take an impression, doesn't really what we need and we gotta go now extending any killer bit about this. It comes in the eighties where the the three year old sounded suspiciously like a fifty year old, comedy writer. What am I the Lindbergh baby you can sell like you? Can you can sell their time and it is in the sixties, sixties, tv, yes and Sixtys TV shows and all the writers on sixties tv shows. Are these great.

predominantly jewish, joke writer. No, yes and gagged writers who had worked in radio and they around since in the radio days, writing radio comedy for like burns and Alan right, you know and end or whoever and they now, thirty years later and their writing eggs, Yahoo or TV shows like ass, true bride, dream of Genie whatever and the Beatles blow up, and you can tell that there was this sort of mandate like hey everybody, the city is kooky gives what are they had paid or whatever they called we gotta get that kind of stuff into. I shall get some of those guys on our show and shows had no idea raise writers had no idea, so they would just just what invent these

full bands yeah and they would column like here. The rubber ass, you know describe wins out ways they would just get for british guys now go yea and it's awful methought kids like this, just as much as we go yet the tune in doesn't matter given the tune in, I think there's an episode of F troop, which is a show that takes place in the eighteen seventy's wound a cavalry for where they think they. Got like a real rock group to stop by its eyes and show that were climbing in in Disney's the jungle book, there's the for birds and are clearly the beetle we're going to have the Beatles in a last minute. They decided against it, but dizziness get the Beatles in this thing, you know get

they'll do it I'll do it. I know. Yet there are those forwards and what I do want to do that they fund being exactly so. I know you're a big fruity and one of those things are always wanted argue about a serial because hashes in life, when my passions in life, as was always junk cereal. Yes- and I hit this point in my life- I'm in love juncture and I'm a connoisseur of jungle still loved, but I can have an exactly we're, not anymore, and you hit this point where my cereal now there's no sex life in my cereal anymore than it used to be I, as a grown man have been caught because

was Jones in any way my thirties and our these may. Yes, leaving a leaving abode dagger and- and they give me those bags in terms that are too clear and you can see- I have fruity pebbles and thou Yemen and it's the most embarrassing rather be caught with pornography. Yes, then, as a grown man be caught with fruity, pebbles yeah or account chocolate or yet or the God of the two can save fruit loops. So foolish says just Thank you for your head and you need to get a doctor, and here it is sad how my breakfast cereal used to be Saturday morning, cartoons, and now it's british period drama like it really is white each year. It really is a meat just You can really tell the passage of time. They really you could cause because breakfast cereals are, when you

little kid, it's bright colors. It's a crazed, mass garden beds it's like sugar and pow and credit in the back of the boxers gains. Hustles word find maize's he'll giveaways and then you know help sugar back get to his insulin or whatever you're some and now it's yeah it's at its Dislike White Box with Beige Paw brown cereal. MIKE Sorghum farms, sorghum farms, amaranths flags in the back of every one of my cereal boxes. There's a story about how they form the company. This long and it's you can delete. You can literally here that the delay the James Taylor Song behind it, is there going in saw them. We believe in three simple things the table leading locally source ingredients. Back to the earth three times and we take away the idea

Jordan Farms happy new line to fish country, one thousand nine hundred and ninety one results wondering aloud how come we? our group, tastier, local, national and Mister Jenks. I owe you a computer sky island and they always brag about these weird. I turned with a biblical green failures. Ever they re so there's all these we're in May Odin Free non GMO in it. It no, I dont know I obviously you won't need healthier, but there's something very performative about it, where it almost their designing these boxes or even worse, yet now this real comes in that we don't want to waste. A lot of cardboard in the box is going to be nice little like ziplock bag, saying that's made, it didn't, say they're all in little bags now it looks like it's designed to look good on a

on a shelf in like a Z gallery catalogue or something it's all very earth tone. Yes, yes, and it doesnt turn the milk, a different color know, doesn't go, go it'll. Just, although are you drink or even drinking milk? These aids, because I'm drinking Armand, Melanie too, I don't get to drink milk anymore. They told me of milk, so good idea. Oh my god. I was told this any. Maybe let's lay off them, and I always thereby. So I would eighty, let will it get go, then? Why did you ever give it to me yeah? Well, that's true of that My argument is always everyone who signed the declaration of independence, everybody a lot of them. Yes, some of them kicked early, but a lot of them lived into their ninety. I know they didn't have any of the supplements. Now didn't you

their collins tested now with with drones. They'd. There was none of that now end and I always look at Ben Franklin and- and I think it Ben Franklin, he lived a really long time. I just did what he was going to do and had fruit loops. You too would have lived two hundred and fifty I feel like he would have you the inventor of the twinkie lived to be like ninety eight d, a twenty day or somethin. That man between the aim- it is weird like again, I don't wanna I've. Always not been worried about. I want to be there because there are a lot of keys were coming up with that. I want to be the old cleaning going Hazel, not non fat locked and what about a couple, but you like, I don't want to be the guidance

Angry would have going writing that's what some put jail. Why can't? I found your way about my guy. You know stitched up changes. I do that. That worries a comedian is complaining about. Something is actually a great innovation. What why

Richard about don't understand, yeah. Why is this so now this high image read this. As you know, I am our eyes. They can show me sooner alone is already kills me under just call it I what happened to your knee feelin funny when a rain we used to diagnose Ganz now they started early humans are patent, we're. That is our time. Stop this thing you use mortals podcast. It goes on for six hours. Let's wait a few months ago. Just come back on all just keep talking about what you know all. I would love that. That would be a treat and in the meantime I would love it. If we went to a restaurant, a really nice restaurant, yes great meal,

is worthy of us, but then finished off with frankenberry pattern. You ve always been so sweet to me. Thank you very much for coming to Europe S man, hilarious, hilarious, fellow and day and a good man. You were very good man and the words of plenary O Connor good are defined. Oh, oh, my god, my arm fell off up less you, sir. Thank you. Stand for another round of tour false with sauna. My trusty assistant. There are not any my trusty to be honest with you just eight alight and I'm Deanna Trusty usually means you're you're your trust, what you think you're a trustworthy person, yet here a moral ethical person. I am, but I don't trust you to do the things. I ask you to do a whole k, so it s different. That's, but that's not your files and awful. Knowing I don't work for you to say to me. Would you trust you if you were me if you were me, if I was you yes and you had been through all experiences, I've been with you and I told you to do something. Would would you trust Sonia to do it? A yes,

well, I'm just going to say a liar why're, you, you know measures really! You know what you're doing is that you're making it impossible for me to ever get another job and I resent you for that a little bit, but I don't think I don't think you ever want another job here. I'd like this job near unless, unless a job opened up a Disneyland, I'd take that were you or if you are

working if your job was managing a restaurant Disneyland where they served alcohol yeah, that's right, do other rights for free and cut to the front line. I think you would take that job take it. I saw it. Does Neil and awaiting gloriously raises his willed, trimmed beer days without power has grown man? Don't you dare economic, so you are too Disneyland. I did among many other things. I was a talking Trask. You know what I was gonna be my first. No no. What do you mean it talking trash? Can there is a thing called pushed the talking trash can, which was like look like a normal metal trash. Can you know what the push flap, but it was a state of the art, like thirty thousand dollar robot, and I would hide in a crowd among everybody else, with my arm in a bag and a secret microphone in my hand, and I could control this trash can and talk to people as if it was the trash can moving around and talking to people. So you are like a ventriloquist, but you're dummy was a robot trash. Can yeah that's classing it up a little and did you enjoy this job ass hard to say it was a. It was a good job for the place of my life because it was a union javanese aid really well. This is six months ago right before this euro. Women great, is, if you or do you, it had a breakdown and really lost it job, and so you as the trash can just went off on the crowd guys delay saw I balder persons apparent for letting their kid kicked. The trash can only do you also keep in mind pitches, your voice up, so it sounds like those little cuticle trash. Can then why aren't you control your kid refugees? Some about your kids are your yelling at parents. I would and then I would go bump other trash cans, essay Sheila, don't divorced me and things like that. I would get a look at what is a little bit of trouble mean his name. You don't have to do much to get a little bit of trouble. It is there I could pretty bun Dounia right. I digress. I part sides funny. I didn't know what you're gonna send. You said you had worked it out. I thought you might have been in the hall of President's this year. You could have been like a young Lean Garfield think here he gets shot back strata threat now. Ok, now I'm not gonna shoot you in a train station, I'm not Charles Guiteau, myself ass. I didn't you have like a cigarette case itself, the bullet or a Bible, or something no, no you're confusing him with President Tessier Roosevelt, who was running for reelection. Wasn't president design, I adore moose notified their authority. Only you wanna do is getting is being someone tried to shoot and start that is viable out. The bullet, as opposed to Garfield, who was president time I had was shocked course accompanied by a family, was accompanied by Abraham, Lincoln S, son, that is in fact he was accompanied. Abe, Lincoln Son was walking. Who is now a grown man was walking. Robert Lincoln was was walking Garfield through the translation in Washington, when Charles Guiteau a disappointed office,

Baker fired a bullet into Garfield's. Back cried now Arthur is president, This is why I can't sleep at night here is also why I was single. This is why I can't sleep with me: you guys go. I don't leave me behind it, as I was just owned by a talking trash hand, Just do it? Ok, so no, let's get too. I guess we ran out of time and if we didn't truer false raiders store called front runner. Aid is in Brentwood, so running supplies the sneakers. In short, some things one needs when one runs. I run these days course

just get a body like this like nor would you want to, but I went to front runners, nay, I'm a hard person to fix them very tall man Adonis. If you will guide very long legs and they had some sweats their front runner by way front runner wonderful store they. They said we don't have those that will put em on hold for you, and I gave them your number, ok and then never heard from them or from you that the this stuff was ready for front runner. So it's really fight a couple days ago. I am waiting to eat with my family. She places where those really good sushi places. We got away ass, fine, they don't care about celebrity in which they did anyway. I'm waiting out like everyone else, just Rayless citizen waiting for my sushi him sitting in front of the little bench in the parking lot and a front runner is literally about when I say a hundred yards away in the same little strip, mall area and

sky comes up to me as people doing so. I Conan catch sworn to say: hi undergo hi. How are you- and I think you just can do standard you know whatever I can in any event he said I have found the show scenario of the progress of the past and I said: oh, they thought I appreciate that he said yeah and if you ever there's some, you came into the store, his name's Caesar number. That ok said Madame Caesar and I said, Armoury Caesar and city. You came in store in you. He try to get some some sweats. We have em so as to prevent worrying Amy soon as number and then they came in and I called I couldn't get sooner than I call it left a message for, but she never call me back and he said by income MAX. I listened to the pod Cason. I know she doesn't really get back to keep these said that he said I was the pot guess so I know she's cool, but I know she also has really get back to people, so I just want to do I see and just telling you what happened. He told this to me Caesar you're, a liar where a yes seizures, a good man. Now he would I lie. I love Caesar Caesar you're. All I know now seizures a good guy. Do not go after Caesar Caesar what is theirs a great guy and if you should be mad at anyone

you should find a mere. I wasn't matter anything I just thought it was funny that he's now listening to the pond cast gray and he's got this look into our relationship and then he sees me sitting outside a sushi place. Anything oh yeah, that's what it's called sooner, but I know from the pot Catholic, it's weird all these Le Whirlwind, my life or this or you ruined doing day or just made. It somewhat were no, you ve absolute ruined. I have no my life. If someone stores coming to you- and I was in his like- I ordered your pants mature, dumb stooping. He hasn't it in a single loves you. He doesn't think you're dumb. He knows the key thing, I don't you my job. No, you care so much about swept past. You have your priorities in line you care more about, the trees and birds, and we know now,

This is the thing that you're doing to me, that is ruining my life running your I first of all. How can you say that, when the reason you may your husband, who, I think is the close guy five years. The toys. You. He were their comecon gonna Brian Crowley, on yours ringing. They saw this up because you know that I have no response to this by my point is I M the reason you're happily married, and so if in exchange for that, the gift of a life of lifelong bliss was the greatest guy I've ever met. You take a little bit of shit from Caesar front runner. If I think, even if it's just Mr Worley, how do you come in on this one you're you're sort of a Supreme Court justice here and why? Well I'm sorry Kennedy just swing in right and left. I don't know what to say here. Did you do you remember getting a message from since they're gonna be I'd die, don't remember that message, but I do get a lot of cause if people are like economies into stormy needed this. In its end- and I feel

tell you, but if it is a message I can see me not telling you this, because I have a ruling. I am inclined to believe zone us I'd like to see some evidence from Caesar laying did try in fact a contact her, so yeah where's the proof also worldwide. I know I gotta this restaurant a lot, so I think seizures gonna be waiting for Caesar if you're out barrier. He is he actually, as I will make a very clear, very cool guy. I'm sure I like him alive and easy he's. A good man he's kickin ass over front runner, he's a good man and if he can find sweats that cover these legs Jesus. Now, if I apply for a job- and you were on the hiring committee and you listen to all- the pie- casts and watched the remote would

Would you hire me? Yes, ok, you're. The jaws required her to be you know present, and I wouldn't liar you to be an ice surgeon. You are dealing with extenuating circumstances that your prior to thank you see your thing. He with is the problem and makes me look good cause. I tolerate that on a daily basis, even though he is probably don't hurt, I start to say we are going to believe you. I am not the warriors Nowheres guy, I didn't. I don't mean that I'm saying it as a joke, but I am also not as bad as you say. You are not yet, but it is, but I just I've saved, for I love you sooner and we're we're palace where best use for practically family were practically family,

If I was you just a little more, you would be family guy. I want to see these sweat France because I'm also picturing that their extra along, so someone is like sewed in about six extra inches of a band of a different color on each leg, or they are just complicit their frank and pay. The real thing is why cages have a normal body.

I can only greatest was at all. I do have a somewhat of a disproportionate body very, very long legs. Ladies you listening and flowers yeah why we're short shorts? That's a frightening thing here. It's a lot of Karlsruhe Stores there, like those extra long pants that we never carry in store right. They they always always like. We were hoping for Kosovo. Jeff go blue guy, we Jeff global woman. I have the same body and whenever I go to the like, no no, we appear on hold for difficult. The item you know: go ass, busy movie actor is a bigger deal than you. I'm sorry Caesar the chances are right. I am the one who ignore yes, yes, I'm glad you that when you learn after Caesar that I was not going, I'm sorry, I am, there are loyal to Caesar who I've talked to for five minutes then I am to see him who thinks that you don't. You say that about Caesar

screw. That makes me feel good. Well, I went again holding O Brien needs. A friend was soon obsession, Conan, O Brien and has himself produced by me: mad Goarly executive produced by Adam Saxon, Jeff, Rasa team, Cocoa and Chris Patten, and calling Anderson at your special thanks to Jack light for the theme song incidental music by Jimmy Vienna are supervising producers, Aaron blurred and the show was engineered by will back to you can rate and review the show, an apple pie gases, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Gotta question for Conan call the team cocoa hardline three two three four five one, two eight to one and leave a message to could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribed. Conan o Brien needs a friend on apple broadcasts wherever fine gas or download Cocoa Production Association.