« ID10T with Chris Hardwick

Stand Up Cluster 2015

2015-06-30
Live from the NerdMelt Showroom, it's the third Nerdist Podcast Stand Up Cluster featuring Baron Vaughn, Megan Neuringer, Kyle Clark, Cameron Esposito, Carlos Delagdo, Dave Thomason, Al Jackson, Sara Schaefer and James Adomian! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
What can the notice Pike s number six? Ninety seven, which is the nervous, stand a cluster, also known as cluster yokes. By some by who me and from couple friends, some people call that I want the centre to be fast, because I want to get right the show we did the show at melt down a couple of weeks ago. Troutina sponsor the event. They sponsored our search for a favorite comedian, who turned out to be a guy named calls Delgado. Who was amazing there are nine comics on the cluster and it's a wonderful sampling of my favorite comedians that maybe you aren't is familiar with yet, but you definitely should be your people that you do know that you want to hear. More of so, I hosted the events, and so I did some sent over the top and then in between the show ran about two and a half hours long. So I
Katy to cut me out of it completely, which was a very difficult thing to do. Is a self indulgent Khamenei into the say: ok take their! So that's why it might? I just want you to be prepared that it might feel little jarrings. We get right into the show, because I just I wanted me about the comics. They were all amazing and they deserve your attention and you know you should follow them online and buy whatever it is that you know that you can to get to know them better. So at all, very excited, and you had a great set to you smiling Kyle out that there are so. I really hope you enjoy the some super excited. As I said, we cut me out, so it should run about two hours long and here's the nurse cast number six hundred and ninety seven, the nerd instead of clusters, number three cause. I got busied into one last year. This should before from its terminal Michel talking. Ok, listen
this? Ok to our other medium. Who also has been on a midnight is currently on the Netflix Series, Grayson Frankie and his dumb, giving I wanna go towards twitter handles for everyone. So if you're listening to podcast at home, you can follow them. His twitter handle is at bar VON black with a cue, please walking. Stage Baron VON another round of applause, Logris Hardwicke everybody, because events as their own
silence right away. I get up areas like time mean you I gotta got on under here. Anyway. I just got back from the south and boys, my skin, tired. You know They call racism humidity down there, which I think is very interesting. Wilmington North Carolina. It's a beautiful city, beautiful city, with an ugly history. Incredibly beauty incredibly ugly, history. You know like Berlin, where they're like, if we target to a bar people forget the atrocities it has that sort of, think about it, and it was we to be there, because I know that my family started in this country in North Carolina, and that was a major ports. So it's weird to go to where you know they came into this country and be like wow. That's it you're, partly now like it's just so much has changed, and you would think that if your city is where slavery
Did you wouldn't call your major store that cotton exchange, but they do call it that cod and exchange go in there and see. If I could get a hundred percent discount bigger. Not sure that was in exchange I just wanted to get up there be like. Yes, I saw you charge the why people in front of me, which is correct and true, however, said I have hey why you ask Me we built this. It is that is essentially my new best Britain. This is an empty pin because I accidently had butter a month ago. And had a little thing called Anna full shock that's how allergic I am to dairy. Now
My allergies have become insane, I'm so allergic to dairy, and I did not know until a month ago. I've also learn that body knows what there is no one in any restaurant with this have dairy on that always Sparagus. Does that can? Can you have bad? Yet it's not very what about water? That's also not dairy, and we added to ever things like they did you a favor? That's that's why had it does I ordered something I didn't have Dearie on it, but they buttered the burns as if I were you as it by was like all. Thank you so much we, but if the bonds you're welcome sprinted some plumbers on that think may later we drowned this and whip I know I my hero, look we go above and beyond here, the bugs stark and my pollen allergy are insane, so suddenly eating and breathing have become very difficult for me. I'm actually start calling my allergies, Michael,
because they're probably kill me in a way where most people will say well. Why were you outside Did you have any business being outside that bank? What you're feeling right now called? guilt. I love it PPP, it's going up not lately. I try to talk about it in an intelligent way, white guilt because it such you know divisive and interesting subject. So I always try to talk about. Why guild sex because I am Racist sex is a very important section. Twenty fifteen, you know there's a lot of people. The one approved are not races, went their private and I'm not saying that its fair, I'm not saying that it's just I'm just saying I reap the benefits and that's called progress because there was a time in a country where I am a racist sex was the number one sex that black people we're having. I don't need to tell
When the time is called because they make a movie about it, every year, look what the woman, that people that all in all the Oscars there was last year, was called twelve years. I forget the rest, but the view are a curious. Why you'd like to know, go to my website its W W w c me up at the show virility dot triple x, and you also have to be a curious white girl. I don't like all white women alike ones with curiosity, once more like what that's my time, I don't know why. What my goodness you have information. Do you? I have some answers. I keep my pants. I call on my panthers Why that's different than my type, a black woman- might have a black, because I want that What I, like that rate wide- oh, my god, you, but I'm scared of going this way. Now, what's get together to make it. Ass, a war that take this planet back. Why, yes, why you can come to
I'm a black neural before the old man. What is black leader and I have been around, world and I've seen a lot of different. I was in Sweden recently, swedes and interesting country. Sweden is answer to the question by what I've everyone headlong dread locks and I was walking down the street and Sweden as I want to do it was I had to go back a bag. You know get on a plane in our, and people were out. You know Tappan, clap and dance another if one looks like, but they were just out here. The drinking ages lower eighteen there, so people are just in the street and then I turned a corner. Suddenly, there's no one else there, except for me in this group of Hitler, youth. But when I say Hitler youth, I don't mean to imply that they believe in Hitler as much as they are. What Hitler would have believed in like a Hitler
Hitler would have seen them. He would like fuckin exactly on appearance alone, and talking about hey guys, good parity debate, smile anyway. What was I talking about eurobonds True story: you go the man actually designed a nazi uniform. Second true story. Hugo baskets me perfectly off the racks learn to forgive anyway, I'm walking towards the youth, the youth be walk towards me. We call paths. I'm gone from the sidewalk at the street. They go from the street to the sidewalk and one of them let column blondie, Mc Blue Eyed or since trip on the curb episode, gracefully. He was walking up it and when you trip when you it's so unexpected. Your body goes in slow motion in you scroll through all the things you could say you could be like wow anyone Someone said well some of the trip and curb they would know, what's happening because we like curb I've. Never I didn't hurt. Anyone do that. I would like to start doing that someone took the car border wondering what every day
it's up to that's what I would want to happen, what blonde MC ladder since did he tricked- and he said a word to the heavens- that I did not know is one of our chief exports as a country. He trip anyone mega and I stopped not because I was mad I'm a fan of philosophy is sometimes like to contemplate interesting questions so had the plant my feet, but also. I heard it in a swedish accident and it made me chuckle. So all that happens, I'm not perfect. There was half way, minute, that's what happened and based on because I stopped we're thinking? Oh no murder at what they thought was next, and I dont know if anyone here there have been handed the moment just blow someone's mines, because suddenly I was climax at a movie, I didn't even know I was going to be in an eye witness low motion because it was a racial
humble sounds like oh, I gotta say some perfect now so skull into my brain. Like a got, these black dots read so much about black, once when I was in a room with black I have read it all of w e B, the boys that Michael Eric dies from Eldridge cleared a corner west, which is why points at the perfecting said hey, we trip and then I'll locked away because I had to get like, and I wasn't going to solve race in twenty minutes I have also been and then he obeyed and is why but I've been there and I had an interesting. You have one of those experiences where you realize that you are just like a walk on in someone else's movie- and you never find out
the end of the movie is because that's what But to me when I was in England, because this is this story happened, and I have No ending and I'll tell you what I know basically walk down the street. You know when I was in England. I wanted to let you know, taste the countryside. You know like, experienced people, and by that I mean I wanted to date, a british woman, which is how I ended up. American already my friends building anyway, we're walking down the street, I'm good at it too, at an opening one here walks, but I don't even think about it. What to do it? I just left right, left right, left, right, left, right control are for all day. All night could be listing the music that the different rhythm doesn't mess up. My stride, that's how glad I am a walk and I was think that ballet around somebody else and like tonight with her, I was killed just diamond time, plug diamond everything. I said and probably said something accurate and pity, like Britishly would be like all right
half way down the street. This guy stops in his tracks and he turns to us like this, not the full body, just a part of it. I just want to know and he stood there waiting for us and legacy waiting for us. It is we got closer. I saw that he was waiting for us, which was intimidating, because let me describe him to you. Six with three late fifties: pale pale, white, skin white hair that went to his shoulders head to toe black black trench code. Whether boots and eyepatch and shallow case, like a bond villain Yes, Mr Bonde, lasers will destroy all. You accept Peter. I pause. I want to keep us
you mean, like Vivaldi, I'm a fan of four seasons of actually composed a fit susan. It as we got up there was like yes- and I was like no, who are you? What happened? I don't know who you are? You called me. You called my name, sir. I don't even know what your name is. I would just entertaining a girlfriend here. Do you notice diamond diamond blood down, and I was just doing accurate and pity impersonation of british expressions- that I think you know, because we both speaking list, but I speak American English and you speak England, English. You know two cultures by a common language ever heard that expression anyway, we been eaten different salads, that's what I'm trying to say, and I mean to protectionism,
but I was eating your salary and then not crunchy croutons, stuck in the back of a gull it, and it was like this little expression that kind of stuff there an expression is always that's all. I will say this boy and he was like yes, I am I may I help you and I just put my hand nice to meet you. He shook my head, you it's nice to meet you and then took off into the night the end No idea why that's about couple ideas! Runner up, I met the embodiment of a british cheque It's a nightmare. He is what parents tell kids will come. For them if they keep using slang, Maybe that's the second time you said oil tonight state at the time
unintentional Cyclops will come in with an empty cello case. You know why it's empty, because he can do inside it think really happened. I interrupted, in the middle of looking for the man, killed his brother, his brother, how part of the gang. And that man was in New York at TAT very moment, interacting with two british people who accidentally say YO black dude, wherein all white turned around wearing an eyeball in a necklace and useless
in closer to want to do a caregiver, Uruguay and get the hell out of here. You know I'm lucky to be employed on the show, but you never know so we started work on a couple characters because you never know one Saturday night live is gonna need more black men to play all the black women, so this is one character. I have is an old black southern woman in the water about to attack you black southern woman in the water and to attack him. Her
and why would you like some one from Atlanta agrees with me? Kindly that's wonderful down or I think it very much every act of the one and only Chris Hardware, and we will keep the show moving your nose performer has been on at midnight. A bunch and she's, always amazing, honour she's gonna be on again on Wednesday June tenth. She is also in a film this summer. Called slow learners and her twitter handle is at Megan, neuron, jerk,
Megan Nourisher, please log onto the stage the amazing mega marriage. So much fun you guys. This is really fun. If you had the pizza roles have you had it. What are you gonna pick told tee knows don't say pockets tonight. What are you gonna pick told tee knows it's like a little girl filled with American. Enjoy I'm really happy too here I am, are you are you drunk I've? Not, but you know, are you. I do like drinking I'll admit it, because you know I like to make the feelings not
It feels good to not feel, but I think what I really enjoy most about drinking is getting card. Yes, I live in a way means nothing feels better to a woman than getting carded and it happened to me recently. I was at the supermarkets and I had a six pack of makes hard lemon aid and I to get to the cashier and As for my ideas has been happening. And I gave it to her and she looks at me and she looks at the idea and she looks at me and then she says oh I'm so sorry MA am. You are too old to be drinking this bullshit, so I got to fix Paxton felt like a tween.
It was good. You know. I am will the reason that what I'm getting a divorce wow, you guys I'm not married. I just know. Eventually it's going to happen. No laws right: are you guys mare anybody, married real La China, space up the marriage with a little comedy. Well, good luck to you! God bless good luck to you, the odds! Not in your favour, I mean over half of the people who clapped you're gonna have to split property. I don't know it's rough right. You dark no
Those are the facts. Relationships are very difficult. You know I I recently had a break up and well, but it's because he liked to travel a lot and not another women's pussies, but thank you for assuming. No, he like actually like to physically travel out of the country and dumb didn't take me with him, and that is tough. You know, I remember he told me he was gonna. Go to Paris, Paris, France, Paris, France. You know Perez without me, Paris come on, you know its famous for so I I looked at him and I said: if you come back and euro mime don't bother coming back and his jaw dropped and he just looked at me silent
and I know it's too late too late, but what really broke is here. He wanted to go to Brazil. Now Brazil, like they are very things there. The women very things for the wax, the wax. All the way around the wax they the wax they remove your but all, although IRAN, but who is very unclear, Leon, a woman. I don't know if you know that they take the whole thing ripple. You guys they are so hairless in Brazil that they don't have a word Dingle bury in portuguese permission to google it they don't they don't they just don't have so I was like. I can't do it and we just We didn't work between us very low maintenance.
I realised with all his travel there. You know I am xenophobic, which means that I have a fear of using part just words incorrectly and if you don't That show your fucking. Do I need to get the hell out of my country, I'm originally from New York but now I'm in allay- and I love it. I say I love it. I love it because I want friends, I can't I have to stop saying it's not for me because that's lonely, so I, I am so happy I'm here. It's really fun you guys they come you Ellen. Errors and we're all transparent. They get it. But you know the culture here like loves to eat healthy, loves, it's like green juice. In a sip becoming,
his diarrhoea sweat it likes, but you knowledge is like a constantly like chewing my card, because ethnic only eating greens, but I have to say somebody on the cow. Nobody. In the back on the cap thank you, but I do have to say. I have to see what I when I you know you want to eat or getting too when I just. I do feel better Then everyone especially poor people. Because they can't really foreign then set out one up on them, but I do I love tee. I just like. Do it every day, three times a day, sometimes four or five fifth meal? You know it goes in. It comes out my body works.
I love it and I think about food all the time. You know it's just like women or starving, but I think about food all the time, and I did. I invented the perfect sandwich so I'll. Let you know what it is against your will. If you don't want to know, but I will, but so the perfect sandwich is turkey lettuce, tomato swiss black guy me White guy, rye bread. It is so good, but my dad he said he is from Westchester hits. It doesn't speak, you want, do you wanna go. You gonna do whenever you want amateur
Europe is a good time to tell you. My period is late now. My unwanted pregnancies way. I'm just getting you guys, actually really bad at sex. I am I'm really bad at sex. I thought that doggie style was when you got a treat after it's not as a quite what am I gonna get really nervous. I get so nervous about it that, like I've had now like. Do like those like calming techniques like they tell you to do, and you're gonna like talk to a lot of people. Now whenever I have sex, I just imagine my partners naked, so I don't freak out, but I'm like grow stout cause like his Jenny's
outside, but I'm not nervous yeah I like when I like, I could literally be like, shall lacked in Jews and like asked the guy, did you come? I don't know if you, get along with an x. The sex was bad if you're like one of those people who, like I best friends of my axe, I am like You didn't come you fate, because if you like have that leg, like burnt bridges, you know like never talking again. That was a good sex relation, so you can never see them again.
You know I mean I had a lot of breakups. You know, and I I realise that if you're ever heartbroken, dont say that instead say your Hoboken, because you'll get a lot more sympathy. People we like girl. I've been there Now that is a very east coast. New York, Tri State joke, and I'm new to allay, so I want to make that Joe good for us. You know. So what does a shitty city in L, a outskirts.
Glenda, we started a riot wow. That's if you ever heartbroken, don't say that instead say your Glenn deal. Can you get a lot more sympathy? People will be like a girl that sucks I've been there. What city, or than Glenville with, like maybe some hard continents if you ever heartbroken, don't see that instead say you're Valencia people be like oh girl, that's I've been there Valencia, not the hardest consular. It's just not Hoboken
Oxnard heartbreak, I don't see that instead say Oxnard people be like that, sir. I've been there it sucks. I reversed it, but Oxnard great. Thank you. I will leave you with this. Do you guys like karaoke? fuck you That's not the joke. I hate karaoke. I think it's the worse for me, like carrier, gives like going golfing with norms like I can't play my friends
Marty and they make me go with them. They want me to party with them, so I do it, but I have this technique, so I can tolerate it, which is, I sing the exact same song as the, son who went before me, but in death voice? so it Aerosmith, and you can laugh at that joke, because no deaf person, as ever
and been offended. I know you're in for a special treat if you ever heard this nervous podcast thing before. You may have heard this fellow laughing in the background of the nervous podcast. But it turns out he's a person. Voice and feelings and ideas. He has a comedy. I now called pizza nights and his having at the album repeat- and I use european airport visa to genes pizza I don't like branding opportunity and also he co runs the open like night here meltdown he's, a wonderful fellow in one of my dear friends is Twitter Handle
at Cairo Clark is red. Please welcome clerical citizens. What I look like it's like super disappointing. I like how like the others There's the uniform of person we're trying to figure out the idea a white male, smaller, shorter, wider mean or sir hire? You wanna go with it SK, as is weird, but not the reason you guys think, but because I am performing on a stage, I have actively taken more than one nabon leg. You guys leave tonight and, and I get out a sleeping bag. And, unlike that went well, I hope- and that's a weird
Listen to me, I'm like a high pressure situation where yours the most comfortable. It's like taking like the Alsace. You do it in a hammock like this is going to decide your future, but we want you to just maybe take a nap in the middle there's an ice beam of sunlight coming through. If you feel like just curled up like a kid, you can't go right ahead, will be honest with you guys. This is fun and its great blood. I bought a mattress pad, it's like four, just take a peer memory found so like seventy percent of me is here tonight and thirty percent of music. When do we get back to the mattress?
so here we could watch the rest of the show and it'll be great. Just everyone's town did so much hard. Work went in or We can all get back in my Agora part around the corner and we all drive back to see me valley. We crawl into my Ben. I think at this point once you ve watched Baron VON everybody's brows. That's a fact: it's in the comedy constitution hundred persons snuggled, I turn on
food wet or it doesn't even matter what's on its all quality programme and then I just start thrown out boxes. The trips gets and we just snuggled any tricks gets in bed watch. I hope China but I mean it's restaurant possible. I ain't mad, so I want to do is, after my sediment, a handout slip of paper, and if we can both all unanimously agree to bail on this incredibly great comedy show, and instead just snug, and just snug alone. I then we'll just do that and people be like this is strange. He was right. I M from Southern California. Do we have anything
here, whose, from its grey grave, I am second generation and that's a rare thing is the beautiful thing about being from southern California and being from LOS Angeles, is used have to be interesting, interesting people move here and then you get their life story over lunch and then their plan fail They move you ve got a new back story
Yeah, I grew up on a farm. What a farm it was. We formed so much the thing about all that farm farm farm. What's a farm here we just have deserts and desperation, and I love it. I found, though my girlfriend is from the south, and sometimes she says I get to California for her and its because she's not had some of the lake periods as I've had some of us in this room have, I feel like if you live here, for example, she has never worn shorts to a funeral
Look I'm not disrespectful. They were tastefully pressed black cargo shorts. My uncle died in the summer time. I'm not not gonna go. He was buried in very similar cargo shorts. They went well with his hawaiian shirt, which I was also wearing. My dead uncle is Jimmy. My mother, she is from here, but she grew up part of her life in Iowa living. I ones here, though one fuck yeah
but on the tape there was an audible high, five wrestler comedians might arrogant, just sort high five in the audience. What comedy? Just being a guy? You can stand on stage in high five people. Now that's a gig be ass though she was like look I need you guys to not be growths LOS Angeles people. You need to see how other people live. It was probably because my brother- and I said this ends hey. Let's put the sublime trip, man back together. I feel like our sounds, are needed now more than ever. So we go to Iowa and I got to see what I was like an turns out flat and there's some stuff. It's not like here. There's a cool neighbourhood. There there's a field, Cooler field and rent is still super cheap in the cooler field, but we go and you get to see signs like this
were driving down the road and we see aside its five miles to the murder house and that raises more questions than answers. So then you keep driving. You see, assign it's three miles. Murder house, which is great. That means we're getting closer. And it is his turn here for the motor housewives kicking the back of my dad see who's driving your turn now. So we turn I dont know: what's gonna, be there for all. I know it's like a guy in overalls holding a hatchet adjust murders. My dad and it's just like on the lazy serial killer you, not believe how many times that sign works you people cannot stop. Turning out of here. Yeah city and now I'm getting your skin, but it wasn't
What it was was a homemade museum. Now none of you saw that coming because no one ever expects a homemade museum to be a thing that exists because they shouldn't so we go and it just one roomful artifacts and a dude whose they let me know when I watch that tape. Now the tape Ladys NOME another tape he has to know because he has to manually control the tracking, because this was made in Nigeria and one in there is only one copy, and it's not this woman Abbe gardener who was kidnapped by our phone. Oh no anyways, murder, it's ok! That is just go in the future. I would expect this out of literally anyone else in the front row. We high five
done, do that's! That's a sacred bonds, thereby about hot writhed, about just becoming a professional high fibre all gone now the sailor. I'm doing. Is I've forgotten how to trust? You know what we're back we're back at the murder house member then we're watching the tape he gives the narrative and its whole thing about how these white woman was kidnapped by Indians and there used to be books were that was just the plot and the horror of these old novels was that they then saw them as people and those were like best sellers and the same time as huckleberry thin. Now before we
Judging understand we don't always do what's best in culture, so those people did that I haven't seen the wire, but I've definite watch the same episode of diners drivers and dives before they had a lot like I want more than one homemade museum during my time in Africa, because once you find one they just start appearing, and so I went to another one that was all vintage boats. In a land locked stay? What's the so you just looking would paneled cigarette boats and there's just mannequin zalm them having a great time, and one mannequin was surrounded by a bunch of lady man. Again, about mannequin chills,
Holly's mizzen, his essence d and my family all stopped and looked at me, and they said what and I wanna get ethnicity sparking to do or do be, and my mom was like that's not what ever meant. What does it mean? Then you, like second day No one has ever said essence D, with the implication that yours spark in a dubious not even a member but do be brother has said. That's so at that Shame we continued our. We went to an event while the thresholds festival, which my brother I quickly renamed Thresh vest- is that way more punk rock and we're gonna do upon guy for the State of Iowa thing that two thousand five reference so we go and like them where they would have started. Mantled silo explosion seem other places
soybean farmers been in the vague and or something Where I found out. Ladies and gentlemen, I will leave you with this. We on the coast of painful boat retail for livestock, because I went to a place where there's a rumour, their selling animals there's only two things. This particular one. There was just a ask of cats and they're, not cats, the innate mittens and put on Instagram. These are cats. You pick up with a late or put to a burlap sack and then jump in a barn so that they can eat mice until they die. Don't feel bad, it's great Light, that's what cats did before we took pictures of them, that's what every care wants, but more importantly, ladies room, it was on that day that I saw the greatest thing. I've ever seen. That was a seventy five dollar horse.
Now presume the equestrian nature of the room, but that's way more than horses, gas or way less way. Lesson horses has. I get so distracted by a bargain, and I'm looking. The horse and the man walked up to me and goes. Are you interested in his horse, and I say of course, of what can you tell me about this horse musical Gina fast, the Gaza Mcalpine Businesslike, one horsepower power, because it's one horse- and I was like that's amazing- he's like it sure- is what is going to take for me to get you to gallop away on this horse that I am well you, sir. I have brought my flew to the state and I cannot throw horse in a suitcase both because its cruel,
but mostly because that offer should be the baggage USA checks, because when you hear piece of luggage, Winnie questions are raised. He's like tell you what sir, if you buy this horse today, I will, ro in this burlap sack of cats. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, in earnest about ass. I walked around map. It unites performer. Has bug, has put your hands together. She is an album called same sex symbol. Merge winner handle is at camp.
As president, please welcome to the stage cavern exquisite, please David Chris drink job. You did it you guys what They were having will recall we're making it an art together, I'm happy about it. My here looks. Maison. Thank you, and yes already. You ve had a moment to evaluate me. Some answer, some questions. Of course. Of course, of course, as you could tell them a haircut.
I'm a Thundercats giant for sure so loudly, sometimes it's ok to judge a book by its very gay cover. If you see a book in that book, has aside mullet, book is a lesbian. What is that? Sometimes people still think it is negative to be.
Day and also be perceived as gay. I was working on stage not too long before even hit the MIKE. This do the honors you just yelled out of me, you look like a woman. I don't sleep with me, he'll that mean Like as if I don't know like I've, been in a terrible accident on the way to the shrill thought. I was gonna, be like a vast. I was wearing of past wearing a vast up like a woman, didn't sleep with men, because I'm a lesbian, and not sleeping with men is one of the biggest parts
of being lesbian sauce or not something on about the elderly like here, was an insult I don't feel sad about every night I just google them like tonight. I love not it's. Your weird insult turn, a yell at somebody killed to some of the support of a minority group and yell at them as if it is an insult, a positive part. In a minority group kick up to black person and, like I bet you dont Byron and assign, am I right because other natural sense dream provided to you by the universe You got for ever.
That brings me like what the fuck you talk, which is how I feel that my guess is a thing I'm not banned about this look here. Out you. I am sure that was well. There's no chance you into Gaza, Do you at all? This shit has on purpose to attract a women, were
finally arrived. It took a long time for me to get here and who knows, and those ghettos, twenty grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and zero gay people. I didn't even know the gay was a real thing. I honestly think ribbon is difficult from you realize I was a lesbian as it would have been from the real issues. A leper com, like case leprechauns other, were miserable creatures for braids, with hats and buckles, and some of that true I don't know they were thing you could bring, I'm so happy the way I turn now. I love the way I dress. I love my errand accurately convince it actually conveys to the world my gender, my gender being fired pilot now, equal marriage, that's gonna! That's gonna come up in the Supreme Court League in the next few weeks, which is none
I'm engaged right now. Thank you so much. Thank you. So much Anders sorry. Sometimes people talk about their opposition to equal marriage. Dope they'll see something like what wait a minute come on now. Would you like days get married days? Get married. Kids will know about gaze always want to be like. Where do you think any adults came from? I got in spring fully formed from the forehead gay. I was a little gay kid. There are little gay kids. You should tell kids a gay people exist that little Kay it's not what the fact they are. The guy lived in the suburbs of Chicago. I work coonskin tap seven days.
Me, I'm still sort of wearing one, you know helpfully. Would a band of somebody been like lesson David Dragon might be reason for all this That would help to me out. I also you guys not only were coonskin cap seven days a week will gain. No, she was gay, but also as a child. I had crossed eyes and I had to learn eyepatch for eight. Years of my childhood rights, it is probable no particular reason. Why I'm funny. Not as actual Bulow pirate kid. You are
I say pirate, so you guys are going to imagine that I had like the black with a thing around the headline: Johnny Depp action figure or like Allah, wean gas doom like a weird urban outfitters, jewellery, selection, examiner monopolies, and I'm like I like this- would put it tat. There are bottom. I want to try it on, but I don't know where. To put it can't you just see them selling liquor legal face family Peck was like ipods with just one zipper edges, just like one quarter, but then you're so jazzed. If you get to make it, change. You know what I actually have that engagement.
Not anywhere cool, face, Fanny Pact that would have been show now, if you're locate with cross eyes, you don't wear that cool pirate patch. You wear a flesh, toned disposable, bandaid material eyepatch. We weren't you face. It just looks like more skin you'd, like Slav from the Goonies, but a little girl. And to soften the blow of the page is the company that may the pages they put in the box pages. They put these stickers because I think they thought kids we're gonna go to school and be like. Oh you are you guys, LISA Frank, iridescent pony? Are you sure? oh yeah, why? Why asked the rabbi patch
Would that make the regulars sickish led to be possible in a cool leader, iridescent ponies. They made these tiny circular farm vignettes Will you be like a deer drinking from a brook an asylum in our, they have written it. Only Navy, blue ten and brown sick that DR dioxin pop, your flesh, lap, with your glasses, braces, boycott and coonskin cap carrying them for a bow and arrows whittled yourself on your back and go and succeed in fourth grade shit was rough. I turned out I can't tell you how happy I am to be living right now, working right now, too,
the country right now. You know when I came out almost fifteen years ago I was studying cap, a college that did not include sexual orientation and its anti discrimination policy echoed been kicked out of school for being gay. I told my parents declared for five years, just like still get yes I didn't know that I can have a positive future. I didn't have any role models or anyone that I knew there was out and gay and lived a happy life and now fifteen years there I tore the country and I just world teeny Vesta MIKE I'm getting married. I like waiting, that's amazing to amazing. I think you can go that. Clap that and you realize, I know you are like waiting for me to say more, but you your headway and a man like its legitimately. Not I'm worried for you and me.
Am I gonna get out keep we'll get you wanna tell you guys just lie and where its door, I'm a great I'm not a good firearms are so small, but I'll go between so quick. I have to be resolved through your literally, like the only audience who hasn't Clapton that, unlike the last year, I tour I tour
almost every day I performed a different. I was in two weeks ago against me and they lack test, bastards. Turn. Were you other workers like what you feel about rights to be always? like all big closer. But there's a long show and I'm not gonna mess it up. For the people behind me,
literally the end of my set on this podcasting. Also in your hearts. It's going to be me chests. They knew- and I feel great about that, get yourselves you people with your symmetrical here cuts. I see you. I have nothing else to say you are terrible Please Similarly. Wow before me on your way out of third country vessels.
Windows. Like another, ever given Esposito, and then you just didn't plan really city fugitive at your next performer was very exciting, so we did a. We did a search through nurse, our common through, in which a sponsored and We had people submit to four minute sets and we we chose a winner for this, for this favorite comedian comedy search, and this spot is not only here tonight, but that is personal also be doing at opening spot for me at COMECON in San Diego, very exciting,
and I asked him what he wanted me to write and he wrote say anything you like say anything you like so this next performer killed John will. Both by throwing a whale Adam after rebuilt at times berry eggs, please walk into the state. Thanks, I thanks running through the be here really excited yeah. I want. I want this autumn contest and thing is I I didn't forgot I submitted to it. So just randomly in the middle, the weak, toe pizza roles treated at me. And there like hair you, Carlos Delgado, and my immediate thought was like
what have I let myself got that food tweets me. First. Really really happy to be here. I'm really happy to be anywhere. That's not my day job because I work in an office. That's an equal opportunity employer, but they try to run. In view of that a little bit too much like. Let me give an example. My boss walked up to me recently and choose that Carlos. I don't know if you know this, but today is diversity. Celebration day,
Could you give a speech about being gay and mexican and corporate environment? Would that make you feel uncomfortable and honestly it did me feel uncomfortable, because I am neither of those things one hell of a speech, ladies and gentlemen you're. The only thing that I have more than tat goes is called.
You know this and I will demonstrate in this Powerpoint presentation called Togo vehicles, the reckoning I grew up in a group in New York, New Jersey, which is my. My hometown, don't don't you every time each year for Newark a window is smashed. Do I grew up in New Jersey, which is right, it's out of New York City, which is where I live, and if New York City is the big Apple Newark the big yellow me hold that Apple del like that is totally
it is, but a little bit history I give you know. No Newark is the home of Whitney Houston, Shaquille, O Neill and carjack. Like all of her heart. When I was growing up, I was lucky enough to go to a magnet school. You know what a magnets was grey. Core magnets goal is a school. You take a test, and if you pass the test, you get to be the only non White kitten school. It's amazing through its. I guess it was. It was like all. Aid is a pretty pre touch and go for a while. I everyday in school. I we called a speck or web back and like there are better ways to take attendants. You know I just general. Generally speaking, I I know we mentioned student loans. I went to college as well and I studied psychology as well. As my major. I know. That's why you coming,
I did, and I focused on sexuality, gender study and I really really focused on nature, researchers and argument. Then I'm gonna bring it down for a level or it can bring down at everything that each side of the argument has its valid points like nature will define a lot of things about you. What you're born with in all these kinds of things but nurture, should not be discounted. Like did you know that Snickey of the Jersey Shore was actually boy? in Chile, South America, but she was adopted and raised by a plate of linguine. You know of any work, which is which is awesome. I used to be a party alot when I was in New York City. New York has a way of turning like a regular habit into a problem. You know like enough. You can have a glass of wine
but then you moved to New York and you're. Just doing math like it, you just just escalates very quickly, there's something kind of weirdly magical about drinking in New York City. I don't know if anyone has ever been by it doesn't matter what part of town you're in or what borough you're in if you drink enough, you will wake up and Coney Island like that scant eyes, the ice, drink alike and trouble a lot with the law and I was drinking and I don't drink anymore, which is fine, but I remember I was parting so much that it totally fucked with west all the world. Like I gotta do you I, and then I represented myself in or for my own to you why I was like
the owl sets I've got this. I did not get. This did not got this at all. I wouldn't get are prepared, and I just pretended to be a southern lawyer and understanding like you all know, for the sake of argument is alcohol knows, that's no sense at all. There is. There is a threat right now near exiting the third man spreading, because now there's you guys have a subway system here, but I'll explain very quickly. Man spreading is the act of sitting in a seat and then presenting spreading, Alex and taking up to even maybe three seats at a time yes, route completely route. Tom Hanks was caught man spreading on camera. You ashamed online on all the blocks and his defense he said
Well, the subway was empty and I'm Tom Fucking Hanks. I think, there's a thing. Is this really quick as its? I feel like you guys been joyless, because you're smart elegant, using what a defining moment is? Definitely a defining moment, is a situation Based on how you act, you know what kind of person you are like that, give you leave and oppressive religion if you quit a shitty career, ending job. If you're a frank, I see a girl passed out. You say you know what this time I will use economy or My twenty moment actually happen on a new city subway during a heatwave, so wagering heatwave, the air conditioning was not working girl wearing the most beautiful plug it address. I've ever seen,
had he Troke know. If you know what happens when he struck, as you faint, but you also vomit like all over Europe and this girl planted just vomited and passed out, but then there is this like big, clearly Torres Steel, southern black guy who, like guardian angel caught her before she hit the ground, and then he looked up and he was like. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears this girl. Has it So the vapours have. We know, gentlemen. Here there was this. I repeat: this is not a ruse or rules that situation, Mozart. Oh shit, foghorn languor, a man but the man and on this I got this so I get album like what we need is a system
like our own? I got them are so like I've run to the conductor box and I push the button and then this is voiced comes on his account. What do you want like Japan, she's out, you know as unlike I may look, there's a girl. She passed out our notion, I don't it is not a ruse or regional situation. We just like our right. Let help you a programme of our thanks job, and then we can run back around back to the situation in hand and the girl woke up and she's on the ground and she's covered in Burma. She doesn't look good wishes awake, but then this is New York City. Now people have their phones yeah, and this is underground no service. This is premeditated shaming. You understand, like they're. Taking pictures to posted later does atrocious
so I did the only thing I know how to do, which is draw as much attention to myself ass possible. So I opened up my shirt. I like, like a hippie lean, organizing a hippie like there's gonna like have been over, and I said this verbatim, crowded train, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, I am not homeless not stop them. I am asking for donations My love love dream of becoming a viking. Now, you say and bang whether enough donations akin to these hot veins of man.
And become a frozen. Why of the north now accept on, missions in the form of two dollar bills- Victoria Secret give cats other further of a new born. I will be. Can around hands open heart closed. Praise, allow Buddha or which mental construct gets you through your day. Thank you. The train stops and the doors open in the paramedics. They're waiting and before I run out, I looked down at the girl in the pocket. I trust who looks back up at me and just word Leslie mouths, and that was my defining moment, and this is where you can
Thank you very much better known as the twitter. Nato is I'm Carlos Delgado at Carlos Delgado you're. Next performer is a good friend of mine because he happens to be a writers, assistance on or actually our writers assisted. On at midnight when it. What did you want me to say about you specifically Dave? Ok, he's at Dave Underscore Thomson and you may have seen
Madame De Vines House Party, uncommonly central he's, a wonderful man is incredibly funny helps ensure that we deliver fresh episodes about midnight. Do you, Monday to Thursday its day of Thomas Guises, money Christmas? The puppies is me, my lady. We just a dog. Did you know that we did? We just got a dog. I don't many of you guys, never gonna die with a significant other, but when we got him a lot of my friends, we're like Haute eighth, you know that's a real serious commitment dogs, but you have thirteen or fourteen years. Are you ready for that of a commitment and me my lady had a long talk and we got eight You're old dog living is what you do when we have
I do a lot of my friends now than it was my ladys way of getting ready to advocate a right, which I hope is not the case, and I don't want a kid I mean I know why people have kids. I know at some point in every relationship. You're like hey, I've, updating this and for so long I've slowly pushed away all my close friends, let's make some. People dying. I was right I am very at but my friends with kids will know that. I think that and then they ll try to picture to me. Why is it a good idea to have kids? You know will be like? Oh Dave, you don't understand you this baby. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm like we'll, do that's my whole points like if you had waited better shit I just want to live my life a little cause. I you know. I grew up in a very plain and boring tat. When we look at my baby, you know I've done better than this summer, Europeans out, I'm awesome and then is want to live my life a little because I you know, I grew up in a very plain and boring town with a lot
white people, I've thought about it, probably too many white people to give you an idea in high school. I was in a scar band which, if you don't know what sky is its punk rock with horns, It's the sound that plays in a fat teenagers head when you tell him good NEWS, so I made sense You can imagine linkage having either everyone in a vast population that may like area actually put him on a realistic and your french fries. Keep it buddy it's just by and bye bye banana resents represents that for several years I've tried to branch out a little music lessons. I live town. I went to a couple rap concerts this year, and an infidel. Surprisingly, I got me there
what could I do at rapture? You know what, but I fear it will. It would be my ideal role at around. I think I figured it out. I think I'd be good as like the opposite of a height man. You know If I get come out after wrappers, then just sort of settling we won down his eyes. What about your lime? somebody's havin fun bouncing off the walls and the country's over. They need a downer right. People need someone like me to come. Bianca right. That was fun, but, let's all remember we gotta go work tomorrow. Its call our hands Colombia. Take ten calming breadths do give our baby. The problem with the rapture, too, is all the guys. There are like hyper masculine, and I'm not you know, I'm not very manly. If I ever try to be, I just embarrassing myself like I was at them,
can't get it had been my car there, and I always this perfectly for me to be a masculine, because our know about cars, and I think I was pursued as I've a penis or something but they'll. Just like me. They are like this guy was telling me any these big expensive repairs, but I need my car by then I to go to a show. So it's like right on the put my foot down and say something that a man, a fear Redeker man might say, and what my brain settle on for some reason was hey. If microbes you done by five p m on which you yet, but instead it too, I said which is like it similar, but it's different varied. Every but I got was done by three p m. I mean my car was done much faster. The volume it worked, you just threaten them with romance It will speed up the service, but really I may get snappy boys rules some guys
come in here and make us feel real, pretty and a little bit. I really care that I mean that all really mine that are so that really they use that bears an uncomfortable with my sexuality, everybody. I know myself a guy like women, I ever ever a boy fiance that I love, but I made the realisation recently that I don't even know if I, like vagina All I know is that I dont like penises, more So if you have a third thing, show it to me, because I mean uh, Are you a fair shot? Honestly, I might see and Billy well there. It is there's the thing: the pyramid, with the four cubes, whatever yeah I use me a boner. Take you back to my girl and clapping
whenever whatever would it make? You feel good? I get those cubes clacking back and forth. I just feel I just feeling I've seen my genital options and they're both gross to me both penises and vaginas. I don't like him I'll, be ashamed of yourselves they're both grows, I feel like I lean towards a Jane, is just cause everything's out of you, you know like Jane, everything's, gonna, take all the details are tucked in I'd penises good Lord everything is out there all the time, in fact, the best part vaginas a that they hide penises. That's one less penis, every penis magenta vagina was, As far as I know, a guy I owe thanks. That being as over there safely inside a vagina, arguing flopping into my work, destroy my life.
There's going. To be honest, I don't I don't even like most porn, because it's all just so graphic. You know the guys are so rude. Why are they so rude? so mean, is nicer to have sex with you and then you're thrower from a bus. Why why I can't related those guys because they don't have sex like I have sex. They don't say thanks ever whose you know never say banks, I say thanks a lot during sex. I'm a very gracious lever, That's just manners in my opinion, even if a minor colossal drama thumbs up into her field of vision, gentlemen would like just a little status. For this is that you be like, as this makes me feel very. This may give you
area, like things are going right back in coats, know. That's why I don't like her most poor. Now is like point. A viewpoint is, though, just try to make you feel like you're, the jerk guy. You know cause the whole time he's holding the camera and it's all shot from this perspective and then he'll look down there his penis? I never feel like that's my penis. I just feel like I'm sitting on his shoulders, like I'm a little kid at that, Is there something? What are you doing down there to help you
go and vast do nicely related those guys, I'm a nice guy. I treat my lady right. You know I tried to at least I think I know how, like others, pass valentines. As I said our communities and they really nice. So it's like I'm gonna get us both very high, which is a pity because I dont get. I don't smoke we'd at all like when people are for me weed. React, like you know: you're, suburban soccer momentum, Bluegrass in the part concert, unlike ok, mom, Ogier little wacky tonight, you now I'm a big dark about it. So, but I thought okay well, This'Ll be nice, remain the MRS it'll be fun so that ok, ok, ETA! right, because I dont have we'd accessories. You now shut up. I dont have I don't have a weed accessories. You know I don't want to buy weed and there's a really here's your we'd, ok, Gimme, a bag leaves and legal motion. I gotta go back a pipe and a bog and escaped board and always stuff. I don't want to do I wanna be high, I don't
on errands all of a sudden so animals are perfect. My friend he's like will there's this dispensary and its dislike we'd Willie, Wonka Shop is filled with all sorts of magical we'd candies. I gazed on the rare. As that sounds great. I love magic. Let's do it, and so I get this chocolate bar Valentine's day. I open it up and it's broken up into four squares. Now. What does then plight EU implies that a square is serving right, one square for one human being. Why else would you perforated like that's right, but that's wrong, because what I failed to acknowledge this this is from the we really want to store. So this is made for regular people who want to become hi. This is made for people who are high, who want to become cartoons. You know, there's a warning on. The pact was like Doni this. Unless you're planning on becoming a talking tat was angle,
then arose because this will turn you do that. So I repeat that I have a square. She has a square unlike well, I'm bigger than you. So I should have. Another half square only makes sense set up, so nothing happens, we're why. I think this is a bust. I go about my business and then all of a sudden she's throwing up on the couch, and I mean just everything just like the dinner from that night, the dinner from the night before, old necklace. She lost just it's all outer and like I want to help her, but unfortunately, I've become detached from time so I'm in a new point of existence, all of a sudden I'm a new test directive of some sort. I can't I can't help her from the fifth dimension, as these thrown up and am also seeing her as a baby in her as an old woman. So in the grand scheme of things, what's alone
vomit, you know I'm looking at the beauty of existence before me all of a sudden, and I said, so they're shaking and sweating for twelve hours until I felt like a human again going to help, people get high was awful and the worst parties. I still have a piece of evidence we chocolate in my fridge staring at me. I don't know what to do with it. I'm scared I think I'm just gonna wait till Halloween and then give it to a kid. I hate you. At that time I really funny. We should let him talk in meetings more. I have an idea shut up and take these notes. I correct the whip unites performer. This is really funny because
Ok, he just shot an hour, especial lazy. Gentlemen. Please walking to the stage the wonderful, Jackson were crazy, is no no cake. If we are being back these workers know he knows. What's up with the next season awoken did I want to ask him: don't try to be an adult about? I love that show. Values you lock it. It is a fact that nowadays, a new diversity coordinator, they ve been that show in Atlanta chocolates, daddy, yet every zombie It's like the first and rose right here.
What's a good, looking well adjusted wives Abe's nobody index you're garbage. Can I Zombie, what a gold grilling this badge I always say related in so doing right now watch this is ten years a comedy right here I want to an all black College and Jackson Mississippi called to glue. I'm sure you guys can all relate to that. We know that there are black how big on four August cheated. That's all right I didn't mean to pollute, and even some like the name of a cow just sounds like some: u yell at the end of a car game like to below Bitch payment, pay me in fives, I wouldn't. Although there were,
eight hundred kids, Moscow, eight hundred eight zero, zero isn't like everybody that was really serious about the University of Phoenix, showed up one day just get our hard count, but I think this is the kind of shit. That's gotta happening you for you, be a standard, combat you're, gonna live like a weird life and from Cleveland originally, and I was to reform does that do three studies and I wanna keep saying want to let his promptly in our two broke the gums module year sauce, they don't care is, and I took a test that that was mandatory, but it was but at a rate, so I took it and what the test was was. If you got the high school and tears, you got a chance to go to an Ivy league school for your last year's years college and on an all blank canvas, One seven hundred, not in our black here, go home. For the summer. I like mine,
answers so by straight. Dave. Vault running a rate of one. I got my high school on the test bag it I'll take a petty clap. I don't care services like I just snuggled plot in here. I want to Brown University, but molasses. It was also apply the movie. How harbour Redman a mathematical accepted happen for real, like this is not as if in a bit I'm doing and I'm glad I gotta years. It is good that was the first I like I sell a real money like this delay is which we were here s, what we ve done by my real money, like wealth like family money. I will talk about money money, my room, who last do name a I've been all games like two hours he set up is burnt, but he goes oh shit. I forgot to pay. My tuition issue are now set out do and he goes can't. Take a walk me down and we went down to retro Office able to check for seventeen. Thousand dollars in front of my Cleveland about
like right in front of my face. He didn't print anything like a bout to write some shit. If you need to sit on a stool and brace yourself, Brian, the three thousand cash that one month, I've I've ever seen I got it. I need to get a cheque book You going check what you write. What have you all you gotta get the book that attract when I'm glad
I got a chance to go from all black cause. You all! I college basically because it gave me a chance to study why dude and hear my findings. I feel like why do don't take advantage of no appreciate how many different kinds of white guy you get to be a lifetime? Amazing they. So many I give you an example. I say you like a senior and highest correct. You skinny beg you couldn't shoved in locks. People take yield, launch money like give me that shit fuck inert, you hate it it's time to switch white guy,
Sweaty do hit the weight Rome put on thirty five thousand muzzle, throw some actual you here get to college fresh me. Now. You are frat due to wire, gauze and won t you do it cakes needs. You call people brow lay but you're like the rat play it do. You know it's time to but she, why do what you do? Dropout, frere, gruesome white boy, dress, get a couple reggae star. By. We buy the backpack cell we'd sophomore year. Now you tat white to three. Why does in two years you make money? You live in the rest that lives there you'll find out whether best incense deals in this area. Are you pilot it you're
by? Why do until you? But you are like do you play and now they're, like the ivory tower, it's which way do what you do dropout, moved or form and pour sell your last pair of shoes cut up your debit card, start eating carrots read out the fuckin dirt you cabinet you you're bored. Why do in three years and then your dad You go there boy, I'm sick. I need you. Take it take here. This family business requirement for fifty years. He's a guess. What dad you good luck.
I got one more white boy left them cut. Dreads get ten businesses to our house move downtown. Now you will businesses my five. Why do that for years? As does black men? Do not have that option? Why you think there's no black mountain clamors! We want to feel when done our face. I'll. Tell you why? Because every black do is Rome Ii Emberon at some point now analysing lives, we suggested say my way, activity to our family and that she did not go off.
Black, we would do you party, you know you're, the beach with your family, like Turkey is also pigeons day. The beach favour almost barbecue, but surely you hang it on you like? May thirteen out what a great deal of commitment? We don't those burgers bra I'll, not to say this, but I'm sick and say it my own of this right where, but also more a I'm scum say, Our committee is a kayak over here. I never been kind, namely that point. You just know bad bare cause your cousin just start surmounting Jago just goes what you say. And you oughta Johnny. You know you don T, you try and take it back them out, and you want to go out. I hadn't ahead early, what a pat on the Le Loup Abdalla, but that point is lay all the sergeant, Zahm Jackson Report, big like say it again say tat: again gives one a bill Wyndham apace
Every black person knows that you suggest a white activity of family and that does not go over. That's gonna be a nickname for the next thirty years. Fifty one though, like hell I'll go to the bar that accommodate back zip line and we want to go to the bar go get your friend lay in the grass with no blanket temporary be a black beard. What's consider black in the hall club to be my exit, changes fluctuate stiffened every year. Big thing about text takes a body like Wayne. Brainy run like way. Praties is talented, is a poor performance. You can be professional singer, preshent, dancer pressure, meeting hosts to gain shows black people are shown up, say we're ready to win
Dear sir started down the spell, shall not act like a path and a drug dealer now way rabies in a black welcome back. Take somebody else. Take like the beautiful, accurate, Stacy Dash who, ironically, isn't a black location, the black green eyes, lies gay long, hair she's in a black lab till we came out of the conservative, talk some shit about Obama, Fox NEWS now she's out the black. Let me see that as someone, so I think every year just make a fair just to make it right. I think everybody personages just have to take it says every year. Just so we are just know where you stand. I would just like to see walk up Z, my my friends and some of them like a weird government building, just change Mohammed was may cause, I'm not on today's my day,
you had a black year. Doubt you flies you don't understand. While I was the one that brought that keys, barbecue. So we just our rubbing his bag. It that's. The only thing you did. You proudly goes like now but you'll get apply. Oh, I got really drunk at the company party.
And I use working against wife hope you, like the taste of tofu gossip in Jack, that back our movement along tumor comics. We can release you into the streets of LOS Angeles at night, the safest time I think I may be forgot to mention earlier at Dave Tomlinson is at Dave, Underscore, Thomas and so in, and then at now Jackson. What was your twitter, NATO? It was out of action. Did you come up with What a girl, wow you're next performer, also been on at midnight. A bunch I also a door, her she's, a
using and funny, and an incredibly cool and her understand about Miss called Chrysalis. It's available on Amazon in the internet, tunes which the kids call Itunes the german police, work into the stage Miss Sarah Schaefer skies been working on my posture, as you can tell it's, his poor, I mean right now. I'm in a power stance This is me, proud for meat, a roll up, my shoulders and just be perfectly short like this. Like its cardio? For me, like I am play?
king right now about to start shaking hundreds of it. I'm gonna returned back to normal there's a reason. About pasture, though it's because of a trauma suffered school is because my boobs never came in now, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. But here's what happened. I came up with a genius plan to fly to hide my flat chest. What I would do is I would find the biggest shirt I could find put that shirt on and then hunched over, thus creating the terrible posture and then I would hold that possess. Seven, because then the fabric on that shirt would just hang down like a curtain, a wall and then I'll just delicately walk through the hallway. Just like you don't know you don't know there could be doubled these up in here,
I totally work to target binding name, Sir, the tit machine shaver. Now, amid a made that part up nine ozone, you taken the liberty at this time. Take a peak. You wanna see what happened. Go ahead. Put your mail gaze upon me. Now wait a minute. Something came in it worked out. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it's just to pieces attempt repeated foam than a cut out and put into a broad, but it's really cool, because if I lay down, I can put a wine glass,
Miss Boob and drop a bowling ball on this food and the wine does not spell very fun to hook up with, as we get to do science. You have to forgive me for my. If I stumble my words and seem a little out of it, it's because I came here, Had to Tito's pizza roles for dinner parent. Not a lot of glossy make index. What's that thing that give energy for a long period of time. I think you can eat twelve of those and then thirty seconds later, your hungry again that there is some sort of scientific engineering they do to make it so you want more or maybe just because they taste fucking great.
I think they're sponsoring this. I don't know anyway just to be safe and that last burden. I have a boyfriend, it all worked out and we moved in together. So much so great put on. There was something he was doing moved any other. I was. I wait a minute. This could be a deal breaker. He likes to play this video game out notice called. I think it's called war Look, I know, there's probably a lot of people here that play that game, and I just want to thank you for your service to our country.
Appreciate the sacrifices you have made. I know you haven't seen your wife and a long time and you haven't even met your infant son, but he's playing this game all the time and it's just idle. Just maybe this is just me, but when I'm eating yogurt in the and I don't need to be taking fire from all sides. I don't need. I can't have a chopper landing on. My head is just too much it's like literally the opposite of what you want your home to be, which is p. Sports, literally the opposite. So like this isn't going to work, we need to come up with a compromise, so we agreed he would play in the other room with headphones on worked our great
but I noticed after a while the only thing I could hear coming from the other room, which has every once in a while. I would just hear him say sorry, sorry doing it? Sorry, flake, we, What's going on in there, what is this game think this game isn't what I thought it was just imagining that the object of the game is just to get. There were crowded bar, sorry, Oh sorry, my friends There are sorry, sorry and then you you get your drink at the end of each other. Up to the next level, so I go in, there are kind of game again we would what is going on in here. Who are you talking to.
Cause. I haven't, played a video game since it was literally like erecting all with two red dots on it. He's like I'm talking to other people. Where are they he's like all for the world excited he's a gets awesome. If you want to hear a nine year old user racial slur at ten a m, you could just log into this game and do that? Ok, what are you apologizing for? he's. Oh that's when I accidently kill one of my fellow soldiers. Oh shit. It is a good thing, not in the realm put very polite, but not a good idea have you guys ever had a sex dream. That was so weird that when you woke up, you are like, I know,
not gay, but I'm something and when I say sex dream, I don't mean, like you, wake up what a cookie dream you wake up fully aroused is like a wet dream and fur girl. You know that's really hard to do skirting joke anyway. Whatever the guy saying. Who is like googling it who's that I am
I mean this dream was like so I was like woke up to and here's the dream I had so in the dream, I'm having sex with just sell bunch and not the weird part of the dream. That's completely normal. Everyone should have a secretary about that. That's standard or fair Mammy sexual desire bunch in in a sea vs in the cold medicine out again, not the we are part of the dream heads I mean you, cadets sort of an exhibition is likes. You no clear, sinuses type, fantasy know this The third part of the dream in the dream aim Danny the
ok, ok, you guys bringing own home guys Have you guys ever pissed yourself as an adult? I I didn't real. As what all went into it. The lie that goes into it. Here's what happened! I lived in New York City and I had a big Friday night planned. I was going to take the subway back home for forty five minutes to Brooklyn, get out go to the grocery store, get to disorders supreme to six packs. A high life had on home split that with my boyfriend. While we watch something, we call the knife channel, which is like a home shopping network just for eyes,
We had a big night plan. Nice night was gonna happen. Nothing was going to distract me from executing this, so it's cool watch it. So I'm about to step down into the subway and river there might come have to pee doing in my head I'll be fine. I get down into the subway, I know you're thinking only Guide she PETE herself in the subway. I wish I had passed in the subway. That's where New York goes to pay. No. No. No I made it through that subway ride. I got out you know even sitting for a long time and then you stand up and things have shifted the situation. Drastically changed and we ll call them? I was like I'm still go to the grocery store, but you get all those doors open, because I have to pee really bad at three doors I would have to unlock to get to the bathroom and our building and dumb you, no one.
P, really bad. You dont know how keys work anymore I plan to do as I get all the doors open he's I got you could do it. I get the stuff I get up to the front of the camp of the checkout counter in it to the point now, I'm like I've never cross this threshold. I dont know what happens if I don't pee right now. Do I die? Does my bladder explode and get p all over my other organs at the here. I why don't you just ask for restroom my clearly, you ve never been to New York City, because in the last four bathroom in New York City there like bathroom
we haven't had a bathroom here and forty years, so I sooner and right that moment I made a decision that, if you judge you can go straight to Hell, to explain that decision? I have to reveal a little secret that people who are born with imagine until you have, which is sometimes when you sneeze really hard or you laugh really hard or you like John, both of something tiny little bit a p comes out. You just let it absorbent your underwear and you never say a word to any one. Half the women in this room have kissed them selves today, just a tiny bit just a global drops an iron cyborg I'll. Do that I'll lead just a little bit of p out you stay to relieve some of this sure I'm feeling and then I'll go given that the rest out into the toilet it'll be great.
I led a little bit a p out and I could not stop I was hole on, Seeing myself while making eye contact with the check out lady to feed from my face dislike. Oh my god play a cool. It'll just absorbed into your brown pants. It looked like Cabo camel israeli and right now for me here up under his leg, Abed now look down. And absorb. I went straight at the bottom of my pants. Have you seen Diana get? Do you know
is the shutter door on water rushing through it. I don't know what I was thinking so anyway. I don't know what to do so. I just got my stuff I covered up, and I just left now without acknowledging it. Is that the great thing about New York cities? You can just blame. Everything on everyone else, so the follow up to that story is that you know if it's that again, if that happened to you in any other place in this great land of ours, you would just go to a different grocery store. For the rest, of your life just drive an extra five minutes down the road never show your face. Is that old place again at your toilet again. But now me is in New York City. You only get one grocery store.
There is only one little grocery store that your little feed can carry you too. That was my grocery store and now, if you think about it, a really was microphone. As I mark guys they do say who is at Sarah Schaefer one on twitter guys? We are at the half way point not unite performers, dear friend of mine, who have known for a very long time- and I am very pleased- and I know that he is joined- a little Nobody programmes and AIDS he's been accompany. Bang Bang and I see also made laser on x x is better at midnight. A bunch leaves gentlemen. Mister
name's, Adele Hard Infirm, everybody. How are you noticed good good last pulses of energy thrive on this nice too, here I want to keep it quick, because I got edition in Clover City tomorrow and actually right after this to get there in time. His heart is place to get to its harder to get to the ASEAN, Diego there's no grid there. You can enter clover city heading, southwest will shoot you out heading northeast. If anyone ever invades lost,
Angela's go to Sony on Overland Sony studios. No one will be able to find it. It's our moroccan fortress I do like. I grew up. There at the airport lot see that's right. The James Adobe and birth I turn oversee and get lost and disillusioned and whether we like them, chip on their shoulder in clover city about how they were almost as important as Hollywood. They have plaques on every building of significance in clover city. California, then each plaque will be like me. Pickford once our general meeting here. Eighty eight Charlie Chaplin Diane bore up over time why aren't total motion pictures of daring, operant, Fenner, sharing them on our word guess what yet no one!
wants to have a call time at the corner of national and national and national to specific national broadcast podcast audience. I don't think so. I grew up on the West Side the West side version of Brodie Stevens, yes, Dave and Cody Stave ends we want. Our final lie out area. I better off man you at Tito's tacos support. That is my short cut back. I swim up alone. A creek for Fetnah us have some rather bad Westchester bluff.
I've done yes, really want. My name is actually done along. Tax AL you I'm in a deuce look. I got one of look we're very big order that I paid to be here in the front row. Thank you I'm not done dumping on other person neighborhoods in LOS Angeles. I suppose I could do that for a while. I purse I live in those fields which is appropriate because I'm gay also armenian and those fields. As the only neighborhood where those are allowed to overlap. Every Else, in LOS Angeles there like Armenian, wet or gave no such thing. But those views is halfway between Glinda also like they had? Their legal rights will come to an arrangement? Five. There was a secret.
Meeting its share was in charge of. No, I don't look armenian, I don't sound gay. What do you think? I feel I didn't do a cab. The armenian cabdriver. Is that you're not out of media? And it takes me to enable our there like you're, not gay- and this is my life from LOS Angeles, but I do in those fields? I can walk to think a chicken and egg parts may triangle of success. It's a beautiful neighbourhood. Feel as recommended. It's it's a perfect, though you see some rough stuff, sometimes there's an accident outside my apartment. The other day I saw smart car, get cheap owned by a guy walking in texting
smarter was totals, but luckily the Iphone had a pretty good case on it and they're gonna keep it out of the court system because they're both writing partners on the same sitcom. There's a crazy guy in my neighborhood unless veal is who walks around yelling thing screaming things the top of his lungs, usually night some those day, but the weird thing is he's always bellowing and nothing he says, is wrong. He's just on persuasive he'll yell things like that banks are criminal assets. Cannibalize society We all know that it four in the morning. That's all I know it. You're, not going to say anybody up your email list. I heard at one time yelling and when I recognised as the lyrics from song that the talking heads did back in the eighties and ITALY
that day I heard the song and I recognise lyric goes like I knew it has talking headstrong and it made me realize, o the talking heads we're just writing lyrics for their songs. That were what a crazy guy would yellow the streets, because what I heard him yelling was There is yet bottling ocean what're. You gotta, let me, apparently talking heads music is just like what you get too. When you run out of stuff about the gold standard to scream about. That's just got my house: that's got a wife I think it may be. David Byrne has had some hard times. Maybe he's wandering around was here
I get nerdy from time to time, is a safe space through that, I suppose I don't I I've been. I got back into playing Dax satellites and others we around it. You know what that is. Its support. Game for teenagers are grown up, teenagers and you Roll dice is like risk. You rule ties to take over the world except it's world war. Two and its also acknowledges the only toy that you can find in the toy store where their leg wanna try to play. Hitler, the wise woman several options, Adolf Hitler you can be, but I'm going to play the cool boardgame version with actual dies and actual friend.
I just downloaded it's I'm sitting there, smoking part and drinking beer is going hoops Pearl harbor. I e that we think about exiles that you can like fuck up and mess up. You can mess up like the word like history. If you play badly- and I just want to- I want to have a frank and Roosevelt speech world tat I created through through bad game play just haven't, come on the radio and be like yesterday, I prefer my team for it. A full year and a half before it should have been possible? Japanese, I'm all about one tank onto one transport and completely. Gotta territory of Hawaii, like chat and defended,
I'm sorry about your counterattack because wave, I hope, I'm buying tanks. I want to know at what point in history did someone not on the president's door when he was broadcasting like. Why should I not tire packed? I sat up up up, Mr President, what I want you to have the Put your fingers on your nose anymore. We! on the war, is over. What are you talking about sire I was but for wagons Roosevelt down one by plug in one dangerous political satire up here. Actually I was in New York, went to the natural History Museum in New York City, and I forgot that they have all this like Teddy Roosevelt propaganda all over the walls there and he came from a time before feminism or tumblr.
So there's always like quotes from Teddy Roosevelt and all of them are like the man for manliness of mankind's man, all men- and I stress that I am mandatory and sets out of hand man, man, man, man in their kind of embarrassed about it. Now. Wait like everybody. There now is like a museum person like knew what we know really condone the statements. They're just chiseled in marble. You see structural marble, so there is very little we can do about it. It is a big statue of Teddy Roosevelt outside on a horse with big balls. They were being disgusting if he had big boy. But ours, strong yeah. I like it. I like that,
ass, a man I wasn't lying about ten earlier. I am a renowned homosexual. You may have heard that in a scandal pages the West Coast or what was ass yet fun, I don't know I mean I'm Gabriel I know I'm gettin away, gets it I'm sorry, I don't scanned gay supermarket check out sense like gave a gay and then it gets to me and like all we ve got a manual keys. When in I am gave from the point of intercourse on which makes me the opposite of James Franco, have you read the news about Jews? Regular being almost, but I sure did cause. I read any of the gay blogs, that's basically what their. Therefore, as a daily
he's still alive, fragoso alive and incredibly then it's almost gag presses Franco. Although sportsmen about I really think its bold and created them to do that, because no street man has ever almost bucks came, and we don't even know that's like I you like the romance phenomenon. That's a faint had my favorite romance right now is Patrick Stuart and Mc Clellan, those parents, Like venerated old british actors like other born in the theater, and I can't tell their voices apart from just listening to it, they sound identical to me, like I'm Patrick start on time. I remember one of offers
I want us bald both of those are where star. I applaud why production of Plato, day Tweedle down Why don't? I totally just a certain age we could play such a pox like Kingly Tweedle. I love those british actors that will project those throw it out there, for you can hear everything they say like came thrones, not so much like the they're all whispering. That's the kind of acting in style now whispered active there, british actors, whisper, ass, bad combo locomotive took so beautiful show, but cares
There's hope this whole season games of thrones, where their lack of comparable trip, whooped horribly wrong, tore what the fuck is going on land of weak, forced to issue. They will actually write things in where there's characters that are, like your majesty, turn your back to the camera, so that no one really understand what we gotta go. I leave lit up when put to pull together the allied you like it would take a british tv show and we fix it solution to on american size tvs. We did that with house of parliament, whatever it has, parts. I guess it was UK. It was some british version of it has perhaps law or whatever the fuck it was
on and on and on and on and on We brought it over a year and we red white and blue okay. We put an honest american doll, Glove and stake book, an actor in the park. Heaven spacey ass american Ass TV show, and I love it. I love house occurred so much most of all. I love Kevin Spacey. The fact that he has a camera that he gets to turn to and confess is evil Congress, schemes. I love it. So much he'll be like well. That's a very interesting idea have to bring it up when I'm president of the United States, I'm gonna ruin her career. I love everything about it. I love the fact that Kevin's basis cheeks haven't moved in twenty years
most of all. I want a camera like that that I can turn to and confessed shit is. I dont have any Machiavellian in schemes, in fact, I'm just bad, like all human social situation. So if there were a camera to capture the highway, like what that's a very interesting idea. I'll have to address that on the floor of the House of representatives of already forgotten, may you on a scratch. My bag, Zoah bonds are bare shoulders, gradual background to stone, to be saying this on c span that wouldn't I would know what would watch said. Chauvelin me. I would like this by the way is he's been if it still around and no one has nor would know, you'd never watched.
If you tune into c span at any time. Bernie Sanders is in the middle of a filibuster on c span. Half way into Very long outbreak creation of twelve percent of the top four percent for four. Why by the sex? The log delighted by the local right up with Avogadro spambots floating up there somewhere percent to five percent, underneath a seven percent that somebody forgot about under the couch, which is twelve percent of the top seventeen percent of workers I love so much. The Bernie Sanders is finally running for president, so that people have to know. Who is enough for me to do an impression of him he's the best kind of report. Peep of the american people agree with big old. Ninety percent you're shows, but eighty percent of them will not vote for. I love it.
The guy sobered she's, like he's like the american people, look. Look. I don't want. It looked like a cop, a train conductor for Thomas that take engine with cotton candy. Here I look like I have several friends or puppets. I ought to stay. But I hope, the voice of a Bay Fraga, the personality of a library cod, for more go to my website party said those dot, org wallets, Why not birdie? How about it anyway. That's him! I going to do a couple more impressions and get out of here. Even very fine things are coming I do so impressive comedians that you may know the aren't here, so they don't get angry at me. First off this is my impression of Eddie Pepper tone. Singing the hit songs of the Beatles
shaves balkan class. I need you This is a very quick impression of that brought this map at a circus you ever since the clown ever you ever get tired of Santa Clara gave her sit on the climate and energy targets sit out later a clown. Do let me to sit out loud knows right, your ass out clown, bozo right at the rectum
Progress is finally. Finally, this is. This is Louis Z, gay and lesbian gay, scenario, I've just a piece of shit, whites and unfair We're just an asshole that came out of its own ass all and it sucks he's doing you're young. All you want is pizza old and you become looking visa. The topics are failure and pluck and clients you just shit out of your own ass, like an asshole pizza book out of a conflict shit, why guide fuck? Don't fuck daughter flock those
you. My friends are my favorite. Thank you so much to do in three extra, very famous comedians rabbi. At the end of this vision, when please acute for everyone. You, southern I'd, Baron bag and learn to Clark habitats with veto still got a harvested Jackson, safer, David Albania with J Adobe Twitter. I presume to thank you for giving us a good leading, noticed enjoy
Transcript generated on 2020-07-08.