« The Joe Rogan Experience

#1268 - Ron White

2019-03-19 | 🔗
Ron White is a stand up comedian and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. His new special "If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up" is now streaming on Netflix.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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one of the funniest human beings ever walked the face of the planet, he's a very good friend, I love him to death. He is the great and powerful RON White the Joe Rogan experience the beginning. I like be professional, cheers my brother two years later, to see or to be here good to be home, delicious good to see you after that, mentally intensive carbohydrate versus fat, I'm don't you genuinely came out other looking makes a exhausted. I was a rough debate. They were going back and forth. They didn't like each other or mocking teacher will bet, but hopefully people got some information out of it. Two good guys, the
just different positions. They don't see eye to eye Joe nope. We gonna do pretty good to hear about exactly what we gonna do run white so apparently ran. Why you have a mug shot that we can add to our collection yeah get one over here I'll? Have it framed and sent it on up but yeah wait with make sure it's a small enough to put on that wall out there. You know that would be a pretty big one. Pretty dominant spot over. At the tell me what you need experience I'll, give you a fucking, six foot tall, one brother, alright, alright, that's six foot tall black guys get it printed. I was a bad picture. Yeah really bad. So this we're talking about this, this is uh. You got busted for weed somebody ratted you out there we'd, weed on your plane
I didn't say there was weed on that plane. They said it was a drug smuggling plain and so there's a hotline that you can call, and they did this pilots that had fired an and so I'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window and there's drug dogs and people invest in machine guns and I'm like what's going on out there, well but you know as soon as they determined that that's not what it was that I just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied instead of going in and arresting that guy they took me to jail. That makes no sense at all and then in the newspaper the sheriff goes well. He might not have had much pot with him, but who knows how much he did have? Who knows? I didn't kill somebody how about we just put up for murder right now, need no evidence at all. You know is it in steel larceny? How 'bout? That is something site and they went they drove back through edit it appears they drove by three meth labs in a dead hooker. Just to get biplane, funny part of it.
Was the next day we were going to go somewhere else in in Louisiana and Button, and now I've got a Just we we can get rid of that's all. We can do 'cause. They might do it again. Next night, next place more dry. So now we've got an apple were smoking out of there. I have two of them on horseback and Alex feeds that one of the horses at these walking by it should take this little apple. So they tried you check your plan again, they did jacket, yeah, but we we just had come up with this little plan that you know we would just would in. He also had to eat a little bag of weed and he was really stoned on stage and then a really strong, but we didn't go to jail that night, but if you eat it just eat will get you high
well, but it was a big old chalabi them. You know, I think it's a little bit mulut full cheek full. I'm surprised people don't chew. We'd like there's. No one out there chewing it tastes like due to the, which is why nobody's lead even the cookies. You know they got a, they got a one The give there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it. Yeah. You know, like we grass juice, they do it with the leaves of cannabis plants. I've seen people squeeze it to make to get a bite to concentrate out did not, I think, There there sticking in one of those masticators is that what they called those things that make you know like wheat grass like they can get juice out of in grass. It makes sense if you could get it out. I mean. If you can get out grass, you could get it out early plant right yeah yeah. I don't get high, though yeah get the CD out there. What's the point for health,
RON, yeah. You know like pot to tell you not bad, the Heineken shared that we got. We have Heineken zero, whatever the bucket is. It does not taste bad, so there is no no alcohol in it now, but so you, so you don't get that annoying buzz, that no you don't get Yeah, you can say you guys had that soccer a sober October and it looked like you were having a blast. I have to admit it's in from the sideline they thought boy. This sober thing looks like a blast and I did I'm glad November, to remember yeah. We had no Remember November yeah rock interesting, it's good to do every year I like to do it, you think, we. I don't think I could not how many days you think you take off uh, you know really not wanna, be very happy about it. Everything that I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with her. I won't, but you know
it's a maintenance thing with me. So a maintenance far is keeping your mind, set correct. Just feeling good Is it yeah you know is just give a fluctus. I don't know it's just something that I seem to require. You know it's. I can't wait for that. First drink of the day. And then I usually drink. You know pretty much to excess every single night life, so I mean I'm not saying this is a good thing and I'm certainly not bragging, because I see people that are so bored I get jealous of him, I'm like wow. What happy lack to wake up feeling good every day and I'm so committed to it. I don't understand that. I mean I don't understand why I won't just let it go uh, but it the the you know that I was such a big part of you know who who have people perceive me to be, but it's also just a big part of how I perceive
me to be well the people who perceive you to be. They perceive you like if anyone is ever asking what's wrong. What like, or what do you think he's like great guy dressed like to drink a lot always funny yeah! That's him! That's why you have the benefit of You don't have an act like you're, not putting on an act. You are a character like that, but it's who you are it's so much better like so people found out. You were some teetotal and got like if you ever seen somebody drinks fake shots on stage, yeah yeah, that's rough! That's a rough place to be yeah pretending to be boozing it up, but they're out. Well, I let you know that will who was the best day he'd Father Rick was so good to be in a drop in the D total Martin as well. Not as he told me that he would pretend I don't think so for that, but I've. You know I've seen him
box, where the roast I went back and watched all those rose yeah and that guy was drunk and watch movies. He was in. He was not a good actor though he was acting in in him and Frost Foster Brooks were in the same one and Brooks was just so so good and so edgy. And but tell which one was really drunk and the I think, at times in Vegas, he might've had fake drinks, and you know uh or May people just wanted to say that, because it's a little story right there, but he looked like a. You know what he was hooked up to Maine. Have you seen that show on? I don't know if you watch any at Amazon, Prime ever seen that show the marvelous. Mrs Meisel, it's about a stand up comic. Now I see I hear about it all the time and people are always saying. It's really really good. It's fucking great! It's fuckin'! We've got just finished something today so uh
Looking for the next watch that man specially season one season one to season, two was great too. I enjoyed it, but people didn't season. Two is much reward as much props as they did. I, like both seasons, but there's a woman in that was my point, who has hasn't she's putting on an act like she's, really highfalutin lady, who pretends to be this chick from queens and she puts on a fat suit and and does this act and it drives MRS Meisel fucking crazy. She hates it and she, push it about her and it starts spoiler alert. I won't say anymore, but it just that trap of being a character right, pretending to be something that you're not You know, I think that's, and this might be a little bit of a stretch Joe. I don't know, but you know that that is. I think that's one Steve Martin quit, because with a parody of a comedian and which was brilliant and and so funny,
let's get small with one of my favorite albums ever and I took it with me everywhere. I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was, even though I really had very little to do with it, except for spending the money. I remember when I was a kid I listen to that long before I ever did stand up. He was fucking great man. Right, but damn he was great, but he was doing forty five thousand people a night when he when he quit yeah. I think that was the problem. I think he just got over. He I think he's like comedians. They feel a lot. You know they're, not dumb people, they feel a lot. I think in like December. That's why I'm drinking right. Now I don't want to get in with those features. Will everybody that's damaged? feels a lot and everybody's. The comic is damaged. You know. I think that I think with Steve. Martin He was just so big man. I don't think anything
he's bigger than you or I combined like he just would go stage and they would go crazy, didn't make sense to people right. It would land also difficult for him to perform yeah. It was fun anymore and yeah, so it it. I think, yeah I mean it was a ballsy thing to do crazy and but in any walk straight into film- and you know, everything is done- has been crazy, crazy, successful, no he's he's excellent. Can I to go, see the band and web Nelson Land. You know Kathy runs the two having she would see the band and went back and talk to him said it was great wow I'd like to meet him. He lived. We lived in the same town for awhile, I'd like to meet him, but uh never ran into him, ran into Jonathan Winters there a couple of times. What was he like he
golden court at the Post office and it made twenty people around he's, doing characters he's killing at the post office as well. So that was the second time I saw him. The first time I saw him was he was having lunch by himself in and I was with another comic and he goes yeah. You think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi, an hour later were like well, we gotta go. We gotta split. We got shipped today, use Robbins big influence right right, yeah, that's yeah, that's true yeah! He was so Zane. He was so see who the fuck was like him. Think of that he had to start with something right. That's when I got it. I got this theory that there's two cans of comics Bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges. I'm a big walker, yeah
I didn't invent any of this stuff. I think. Well, you gotta go back to like Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce. Those are the big ones and then Kynnersley are big one Kennerson, because Kenison taught that somebody can genuinely not like you yeah. You can still make a yeah also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny right as long as funny as long as you're good enough that fucking bit that he had about starving children. To this day I had even with the guy on the podcast about always telling me that you comedy only punches up, I go. That's crazy. Kinison is two of the best bits of all time. They're, both punching down one was about starving kids, the other was about corpses, but down as you can get me body right. Both those bits were fucking genius, and it's the same with uh right. It's the same with nine hundred and eleven. You know if good enough.
Of a writer yeah. You can do material about that. But if you, if, but if, but you better be good, you better have somewhere to go, then yeah you better have somewhere to go in, and I heard a couple of good pieces out of memory data, but you know, but like the weekend afterwards, the guy that was some guy. That was the opening act was trying to riff on it, and I got him over the side and I said: hey dude not! This is my stage right here. Normally I don't tell if the comics what to do but until you have something to say about it, that's that's really really funny. I don't want to bring it up. She he had that's a tough one because you could the whole show middle goes on and you lost friends in the towers, and that was a week ago. I may not there's like of of tragedy, a real, tough one to find humor in saying that someone can do it? There's people Define comedy in everywhere, and it's legit. They do
now perspective, it's just the I you know. How good are you so and then you also get to avoid those things. That's how good I am I get it. I get it, I'm not good enough to do it. Patrice O'Neal had a really great point about that he's, like all things when someone is trying to be funny, they all come from the same place. Just some of 'em miss some of them just aren't funny. You can't get mad at those, but it came from same place like I bet. Someone would admit that they told Joe, it wasn't funny. Whoops tried he tried, but they're not trying to be mean like the response right. It just didn't work yeah just sucked, but when someone's ad lib and some things are going to suck but the response, sometimes too uh one, that's like off. You know it may be a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon, like people get so fucking mad right tweet about that Cosby Bit that I did and it was really funny an but it just stirred
hot. So much of a you, you think rape is good. No, that's not what I said at all. That's not what I said at all. I made a joke. That's it uh an and you do that too I mean you stir up the pot big time. It's great and you'll just go, watch this and then really got our point. Though, and if you have a point, then you really are trying real hard to be a good person. You just have a point. I just have a point on things, I'm going to say it. No, you might you might get mad, but I'm not, not saying it to be. A bad guy. I'm saying X, is what I do for a living. So I do thought we find things you know. The burr was telling me that he did Caroline's in New York City is like it was almost like a college. Gig is like people are sensitive now in New York. You know he, and I just did the call Hollywood and then the and I was calling him
another comic that I wanted. That was just talking to the bar and thought it was really funny. Member's name but Joe. Rosa yeah and I called him and he goes yeah. I know he's really good and uh and he goes about I come over and do it I'm like well course, whatever you want to do time on it come on out. Well, he is doing a bunch of Trump stuff and and you know- and I guarantee you- my fans are pretty split down the middle, but it did not go over well and he didn't give a fiddlers fuch about it, and so He just made him mad stared above her about twenty minutes, and then we both I did mess that we smoked a cigar and he yeah he's not drinking either for like a year yeah, it looks great, he looked. Good, looks, looks and healthy, healthy, yeah yeah. That
Trump jokes are interesting because I don't remember anybody getting mad at you for Bush, jokes right. It's We were just jokes right, yeah yeah, even if you were like a Bush supporter, you could crack a joke about the way spells potato or something like that. Nobody gave a fuck who didn't care. It was a different thing. Even people were simply William Bush by the way. This spell potato wrong. That's right, whales, Qua hotel! That's right! That's right! That's how these rumors get started. Man is all the guys that are you. Conspiracy do not blow it off this to spell potato wrong. She it that's right. It was him Bush things up too, though, didn't he well, stuff up, there's a whole album like the witten wisdom of George W Bush uses like full me once shame on you, yeah shame on me again, I don't know you know. What's in about Bush is when he was running for governor of Texas. He had a completely different way of communicating. Talk like a really smart guy is very articulate.
I mean he's a smooth, smooth talker, what good W W this video of him back from back in, hey when he was run. For governor and he's great listen to hug his energetic, intelligent, guys, articulate. He seems like one of US and then, as they had a side by side video comparing him to like Bush after seven years in office, so he's like barely hanging on his, not pay attention to shift he's, given the reigns to Heaven and hell to Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney's bunker, seven miles underground, making the fairies decisions You know I mean it was weird. It was a weird time, but you can make fun of Bush all day long. Nobody give a fuck, you make fun of trump. Today people want to kill. You almost got into Skype, pull the other day at the gas station. This I just start spouting out stuff. He was putting gas car right over there and it ended it in just a and by the first word the consent is that came out of his mouth from no. Where had said a word to the guy, didn't say I don't know then,
but actually closes the dumbest person that ever lived on this planet and and I get baited so easy. I just said, probably not probably not that you're, probably wrong. Probably not Obama was an idiot. He graduated number one from Harvard LAW, so views politically aside. We can start with these, probably not stupid, and what a good speaker he was. So yeah it was smooth the most presidential he was He was a guy that you are happy to have represent you, whether you believe you know believe in him and support ideas are not as a representative of our culture of our civilization. That guy was smooth and measured and articulate and and off the book. You know
most of the time, but you know he was just he was saying what he thought he wouldn't reading off of scripted. Well, you know the story about Clinton. I don't know so well with the with the being off the book. Clinton was such a good or reader that the Talib After went off, it broke like five minutes newest fuckin' speech, and he did all that ship by memory. Just do the whole damn thing by memory nine holes of golf with him and it was well they're, still security secret service all around it, and so it was a private golf course. Larry Ellison that owns Oracle. Oh wow uh owns this private golf course. It has fourteen he's a big tennis guy, so he puts on the tennis stuff out in palm springs and nobody plays score said he doesn't play golf and it's just his privates is a deal is on course get yeah. It got his own courses, he play
do our group and at shadow creek in Beverly Hills. I mean in Vegas. It really of course impossible to get on it and, and he was playing by himself and he was gone. The tee box- and I said as lonely as capital area- goes yeah and his ball and went off by himself and but he won't even there, but Clinton was, and he told me a story goes. It is friend of his is a record producer. Rap records big. I didn't tell me who it was and did tell me who the artist was either, but that the artist was off bug, guy and he's in a Ferrari store and, and the salesman goes, are you thinking about buying this car and the guy goes no, I'm going to buy the car, I'm thinking about pussy So the Clinton told me a story that had the word pushy in it and great story, Clinton Clinton told me that that's a great fucking story. That is a great story that poor bastard
it is almost like. A comic like you could just be free yeah, like you think he got divorced and just started going on in the honest bill, Clinton Lecture swap out there yeah I did. I didn't want to either get if you think I was going to do. What would you do? Would you do you're in my position? Would you do you're smart? You know you don't got forty years left to live, how to shove lab, decker rat in her mouth. That's what I was that the whole idea being the fucking number one guy you gotta, be so God Dam, Pussey hungry to want to be the number one guy huh. You gotta have big appetites, search for sure for everything, yeah. For everything is going to be a super Kong. Yeah and all those guys are saying: I'm not all those guys. I don't want to generalize, but it. But it's really really common for men of deterrent power positions. Do you The horn e is fun all the time of course mean we gotta go back the way we want these people to behave.
It's so contrary the way any king ever behaved ever in history like the these kings throughout history was always decadence. It was always you know all women in grapes. Ordering armies, people protecting him he's like those people were just gluttons today was the super gluttons of the world right and we don't like Now I like it. So then we try to turn someone into some Fuckin' Norman Rockwell person. Right in that doesn't work either. You don't have enough. You know You you, you don't have enough charisma to lead yeah. Maybe you know Trump is showing us that you could talk shit about him. Twenty four slash, seven! Three! sixty five days a year he's not just an anything. In fact he digs his heels in. The same fucking guy, no matter what happens
you know. I really don't like to get into my position on a on throw up because it in the reason is I I don't feel like it's my job. I feel like it's your job yeah. My job is different. You know my job is to go up there and just you know I'm laughing, but I don't want to be divisive yeah here. You know I just don't want to do it because it's my fan base is split and you know I've had and You know nothing ever really happens, but I had a guy one time because I said something to meet and greet who- Who is paid to take a picture of me and then refused to take a picture of me because of what I said and I'm like. I don't give a fuck dude, don't take a picture, leave that I don't give a sh it people I would never touching, but so that's also one of the it's like they're exerting power over you, I'm not take picture, I'm going, follow you on Instagram to run white right. Damn communists. What am I going to do? Yeah? I told one girl. She said I'm now I'm going to run file. You used to be funny, but now you just filthy and I'm going to
and follow you and I know it doesn't matter as it you can't leave. All the plants will die every year in a bind quote bill. Murray yeah people are just so mean just want to hurt. You run white for no reason yeah, but now I've already been as mad as I can be, and I'll never be madder and it happened when I was sixteen years old, so hard to make me mad and I'll. Tell you what made me mad. I just my drivers lasses, my mother, asked me to go to the store to get something it's in the summer in Houston. I don't have any shoes on. I know my door step into a shity pampers that some he just thrown in the parking lot in it, and I didn't put a toe in and go. Oh that's, baby ship, that's wrong! I just shove my whole foot into it green baby ship coming through my toes smears all over the diaper right. So I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.
I'm not going to get back in my mother's car with this shity foot. I can't go into the store with baby shit. All over my foot, and I thought about just cut put off- is just leave it in the diaper with the noted as it used to be a perfectly good foot, foot dude. What is ever made me that made sense. I was so fucking furious and I just wanted to hate and kill, but over a shity pamper. It's crazy. That was all it took. That's all it took, that's all it took, but it was sold. You know it just put me in a, but as I've been stuck before. Let me tell you about another time. I was stuck just get us off of politics, um, I'm in my tour bus. And and party my buddy Steve and my best in my road manager who passed away and never gets laid, but it looked like he had an angle on this girl. So I picked up my beer and went back to my bedroom
which I never do. I set up there and drink with the guys and I go back there just to go to sleep, but I don't ever take booze back there or anything in it, but I got like going to lay down and I put that DOE Sekis bottle on the counter, and then we took off during the night while I was really drunk and Steven real drunk in the bottle falls off and breaks I'll hear it so in the middle the night my bed sits high 'cause. You want to try to get those beds towards them center, because it's all those axles anyway, but it's closer to the center of the better, feels when you're in it where you kind of slide off of it about an inch and my foot went into the bottom, beer bottle at a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long and and I just and I land on it will now. I know exactly what it was. And and somebody hit the master lights. So I turn the lights on. You have to go back and turn him on on the master switch but I know that around me is
broken glass everywhere 'cause. I understand what happened. I understand that bottle fail broken. I got it in my foot, so I pull my foot up. I didn't know how big the shard was, and I just pull it out of their blood. Just starts gushing out will stay he's passed out in a bunk and he can hear me. I can't get to a phone, I can't see. So what do I do Crawl back in bed went to sleep and bled, and and Steve said the next morning. Look like somebody killed a hog in there an he's lifted up the she's. Even the bus driver and saw my foot and they're like either this this is Christ. Did you did you about bleeding out Duke is the only option was to take and uh, step by and the other foot and do you have your phone with you? wasn't within reach? I was just, and I was also drunk right, stuck
bleeding. Damn that's a good combination, yeah yeah! I would stop. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fucking combat it. So I just crawl back. How is your foot our teen stitches uh as soon as I woke up and looked at him? Let's call the hospital guys an things sewed it back up. Thirteen on the bottom of my foot right in the arch and it was it was it was a mess. It was a bug in math every time Foot up, you realize how much you need how much you you show up, an ad socks but yeah, but you're still walk somewhere and get some yeah when you with your foot up your leg up. Okay, this is this. Is a real problem. Mini operation or something aptly put every play golf every day. So, oh yeah, so it's a real problem, real problem, maybe yeah every day
every day. I can't not everyday, but every day I can golf is one of those games, man, God just get fuckin' into golf. It's! No! It's the l, look at look at what you're into you know and it it it it it it it's something that you do and you've always done and, and you just you just keep doing it. You know, but I get I watch it. On television like it's. A soap opera is watched, eighty hours of the players it also it gives me a reason not to exercise you know 'cause. I got this golf to watch it yeah. Well, it golf does give exercise, though that's a fact. You are walking around and being sedentary yeah walking around and you you're thinking only planning sheet out looking at the curves Zach thinking, rasanen measuring it yeah we're trying to workout. All problems, and so I get it I'm just terrified, I'll be one of you guys out there every day, yeah right now, I know five friends would go out every day.
You, give you one of 'em. I know other guys. I do too every time they get a chance, as I played with you everyday yeah, We can pull it off. It's like gentleman's leisure way of life yeah, you know it's always back when I was a club comic. That's how I killed the day got started playing with like thirteen, and so I just go to a golf course, and you know she moves out a deal where I could play golf there every day and you need Jackshit to do during the day and clubs for fifteen years and I'm doing forty eight weeks and make it five hundred a week or whatever it was. When I started and it was a middle act out there, you had to work him all you know 'cause, you need it to five hundred dollars. Real bad, never looked back in those days, look like, reminisce. You know what it's
good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance right because is over whatever stand, but I'd be a regional marijuana. Distributor in the state of Texas is in a in a in an industry that has some questions coming up. So you know I I Did it because I loved it but it was also fun fun, fun. You know uh and and and it was easy for me- I didn't mind the travel because I I like drinking free in bars and and and- and you know, practice in this art form, and you know, but I never ever thought it would. You know, go where it went. You know if you're people ask me, how do I do that? I'm like wow wow, I did it and I was right there when it happened. I have no idea barely remember it did you live in Mexico for a little bit.
And factors of really really really good Pga player from the same town. I lived in that played golf every day. Where I played golf, I didn't know him Zhang, he would have been at. Let's figure it out, it would have. He would have been. He's like twenty one or two now and he was He was on the heat for Abraham answer is his name and born in Reynosa Mexico, where they actually born across the border. 'cause there's no wall right. They can just come over there and have baby so that, but his parents must have fairly well off for that part of the world. You know to do that, but he's right these great and I dig it because uh I see where he came from exactly you know where my son made a hole in one was eight years old was on the capacitor golf course in Reynosa Mexico, how many holes in one does a guy get in his career I've had one
My sons had one. You know it like the big guys, maybe one thousand six hundred and seventeen eighteen, in a whole lifetime equivalent in other sports yeah. We all in one there's no equivalent in any other game there was a double eagle, and what's that mean that's where you make it to par five. So that means you suck a whole from two, sixty two thousand two hundred and sixty two yards out- you made it on the second shot, wow very rare, very rare. So double eagle, slightly less, then home way, less rare, weighless red, because I hold em, because I part three could be that much is one hundred and twenty five yard. So you know, and then most of them are made on those longer one hundred and eighty five, but you know you're not, The guys like me, are hitting the part three from two hundred and thirty five. If you think about
but I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport hole in one or it just works out perfect, we'll walk off grand Slam or yeah, those happen way more often yeah way more well, yeah way more often than a hole in one for how many people try erasing everything you know not many chances at that right, Grand Slam, but but the other thing is going to be tried how many they make pitch at you you're, definitely going to hit the ball. It's right there like that golf balls right there I mean you might not have a good lay but you're definitely going. My son right, yeah. Well, yeah! Well! Well, if you hit a foul ball, you gotta play it, but you gotta go, find it and yeah It just seems like the As of you getting a hole in, one must be off. The charts must be like a thousand one hundred thousand a one or something crazy like that. Yeah, maybe I mean what most people made. Maybe never you know what do you think the numbers numbers would be. What are the odds I'll talk to him?
I think you have I other website. Let's figure it out, let's throw the math to those carb guys so scientists they were killing Maine, It might might yes, my son made one the eleventh day ever played golf in front of me and his coach and his best friend and- and it was a ninety five yard. We part three from the regular women cities with the: U S, kids club drivers that I still have wow and, and it just straight up the hall here to create golf swing. Kids, if you treat Ammar, it always gives golf coach was good, even though they spoke a different language, the they understood golf and how to teach him that swing, and so he was good at it and he didn't really play much anymore. He decides thing, but it by about it, landed ten yards in front of the pin bounced twice roller right in the middle of cup, and I know
At this point, I've been playing golf for thirty years and I've never done it and uh. So it was a big deal and he got his name in a couple of newspapers and they mentioned him on the golf channel. He was the youngest kid that had made a hole in one that year that was registered and then two weeks later is six year old tenets in less I was like uh, you know they took all the joy out of it for him. That was one He was lucky he hit his went on awful mailbox here years when it off a perfect golf shot golf shot, that's uh, nothing to learn right that swing it. You know it is a really difficult thing to do, and it's just a the thing that you learn how to aim it. Take a bow and arrow. You know, even though that's a little easier We teach somebody how to do, but to do it. Exceptionally well, you know it it's it's not easy to do and a slingshot how to get the power at the right spot or or even,
I casting is not power everywhere, its power in the right spot here that it with as it in with of the rest yeah and so it's, but if it it's hard to do, but it's fun to do once you once you once you learn how to hit a good, solid golf shot and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to it's. You know it's bliss I'll, tell you something: here's a story back golf my best friend passed away died of brain cancer, so they had done a surgery on him that he had just dad. The scars down his neck down his back where they were trying hard. They were, you know they were shooting it. You know he was already you know he really had. It should have had a death sentence. We just weren't saying out loud and we were at my place in and we had thrown everything at this cancer, but the kitchen sink and we were looking for the fucking sink an and Steve, O golf course. Man,
girls, I'll help. You reason pots. He was always good. At reading, putts we've been playing golf since you were a little kid we've known each other, since we were six Ann and uh. So when I got my clubs out his clothes were in there too. So he reaches into his pill bag and takes another pill who love Pain pill, as afro man on there. You know I might take a swing so and he did off the first, the box and it hurt, and it wasn't very good and- and he just Winston, but ever once in awhile, he put a ball down and hit it and we get to the 17th holes, part three hundred and sixty seven yards long? Oh, his is drive with his driver and it and and it pays off a little bit- he the caught it and so it was up kind of by the world by by the green, but the pen was kind of on the other side, and I was like great that uh, and so he hits a chip which is easier to do, and he's always really really been good at that, and has it
about seven feet, like? Oh, my god he's got a seven foot putt for par and he makes it, and this dying man gets the biggest grin I've ever seen in my life. It was crooked 'cause. His muscles had been cut, but it just brought it pure joy and then I got to see the last party ever made so, and the witness that you know joy that that's awesome, that's pretty cool! That's golf! You know if it means that much to you, you know it can make you feel better. If you do it right one now I get it. I think it's like in any difficult game like that I guess it be like that with a lot of games for the sometime of golf to there, it's very physical and you do outside it's one of the only things you have to do outside you know other than I guess you could do tennis inside like really bright, but golf is off
open giantess course you're going to be walking gotta go outside yeah. I do it in a golf cart, but you know I walk. I walk from the the card to the ball. So it's happening in a while some going on something going on, but you got to stay loose. You know, that's why it as the only reason I do yoga, it is, is to keep my lower back and my you know, keep everything moving around and back right, yeah, Well, it's just got a it's all got to turn. You know around your spine and that you know that I'm sixty two years old and then at and so that's just you know harder to do than it. Unless you keep, you know you gotta, keep those metal muscles stretched out yeah to be able to do it all yeah. I think it's like that with the anything where you're moving your body is a unit martial, art stuff. For anything you as you get older in particular, you better be really aware of all the moving parts. When you're a kid, you could just fucking hit the gas when you
fifty, you better, be you know your swing, a tennis jacket or something like that. You would be aware of your shoulders and your knees go wherever he's moving parts. How old are you five thousand one hundred and fifty one wait? Wait wait for sixty two, I'm not waiting. What's up, here's Tiger and Tiger's back injury before back surgeries. Oh no, he had another one. Now this isn't like yesterday or anything. This is from year, two, oh good, as announced it had undergone Anterior Lumbar Inter body fusion. All that's fusing his dicks many thought many thought his disks made reduced his lloyd hello. Many thought that his competitive golf career was over and it's fourth surgery since March of two thousand and fourteen, which involved remote, moving the l, 5s one intervertebral disc, and then inserting fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 Vertebra twatt. Oh my
got all those apparently recovered quite well from the operation. This surgery is quite rare amongst professional golfers, one of the Pga player Dudley Hart, had also had had a few gin in the same location as woods. Fuckin' fusions rough man. That means there's no disk left right, and he won the the whatever they call the Fedex CUP that last tournament of the year last year Tiger one at, and so he came back from that's incredible. Oh it is amazing and I was there is it EAST Lake in Atlanta and it and I do all their good color charity stuff and that's the footage of him going up the eighteenth green he's about to win this thing, and it's this is that the top thirty golf where's in the on the Pga tour, which is the toughest tour there is you know these people jazz and out weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow him right right next to him, there's no crowd control, there's! No! It was right up there. I was right up there above this green.
As I walked away, because I get to go inside the rope. So I follow in a couple of weeks, fuckin' choked it didn't matter. This is what he needs right here: the shorts it yep yep get a two shot lead going into that they won a one, the whole thing it yeah and that was to come back. You know that was the come back. That people said we never happened that you could never do, especially at this level. That's a hard tournament to win. I mean that's a tough, tough, so exact tigers back back to back the require a lot from people. You know if they get some strange along the way that guys he got it rough after his whole divorce and sex scandal. He had it rough for a long time. The people were coming after him, but
The thing is about those back surgeries is our wonder why they did the fusion, because I think they do articulating disks now to be very effective at at at you know, I think he tried that we have to give what you had for so because people are a People that are doing those they've got those disks down. They put like a titanium movable disc. He takes the place of the distance in the in your back Eddie. Bravo, I've done that you know I play all these uh. Ok programs increase first performance. Via an anti real approach. Is that it there's the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing, which potentially makes recovery for athletes athletes a bit easier.
So that's how we feed imagine whoever it was looking at tigers back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it. So I'm sure they would have. He had a pretty big budget for it. Yeah I mean you would want. I mean they must have really calculated it that was what, but the best move was. Maybe they put an artificial disc. You would move move funny, I'm good I don't know man that hold the back things rough one. You ever had any back problems. I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except no alcohol thing that I got going that little squeaker and, and but I play golf with guys in these programs and most of them are you know, football, basketball, player and most of around my age and most of them are in pain, so that it would turn about smoking pot watching cartoons good for your knees, define and yeah, I just didn't get hurt. You know I didn't I played
whatever what I was on the golf team that I but I was on the golf team, junior high and high school and put about two, but life of relative leisure is good for the joints right, good, you're right! You don't think about that. Not from where I play in yeah, the the the knees and the ankles we were talking to Camara, whose yesterday, whose UFC Welterweight champion he's at five knee surgeries both of his knees. Basically bone on bone can't run anymore at all kinds of crazy out will still fighting destroys people with no nothing just fight, he destroys people he's the best he just beat with who was the best before him fucking crazy. I mean when I laughed so hard when the guy goes, my balls got, it was the best come that has the you gotTa Bosley said. Was I understood, love that guy Lewis is he's a he's, a genius he figured out would be himself. He forgot his instagram page. No it if there's anything fun
again crazy, going on in the World Derrick Lewis has it on Instagram page is Instagram. Page is the best, found out about it? I gave him a shout out his instagram page on one of the UFC broadcasts. And now it's got like. What do you have? How many files do you have now point six million six million? It's not good, though it's fucking chaos. He always gets videos deleted and removed. But apparently leave him up there I mean they're not threatening to take him down. I don't think I hope not everywhere. I go to see you look at it. Any fucking dummy that's trying to light a bomb under attire and fly through the air and smashed the roof of a fucking ride. With his face he's got all that shit, Motorcycle accidents are people trying to do we and they call it lands on I'm anything up on the internet. They're funny. You know it's funny, he's got it all anything: crazy, fucking, a hilarious guy. The fact that you can say something like
you know like right after a fight as well. I think it shows up at my balls was thought he starts selling t shirts. It's, my balls aside, tee shirt. So I got one. I think people listen to anything. That's being said about. Let's say in this: I need one Derek, please I need one of those shirts I need. I need one of those shirts, please Derek my God, this is a character. Fight is as off too so. Do what what I know it's your show, but what. How many fights do you do now and does anybody care about a fight? You don't announce childhood for short hair, ten year year, events here, I'm doing like a big paper views like ten there's a lot of them that are overseas, but they want you to be the voice
right. Well, I have time I just don't have the time error of the time with all with podcast with doing stand up and you know making Netflix specials and ship there's no time I think now I know there's I like it better when I do it once a month like once like ten times a year, basically, once a month or like I like that better, because it seems like that some and it's higher profile stuff. I don't mind, there's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that I lost like their Crosby Stills and NASH and you're young right. You just pop in and do the big shows and it's funny people. You know There's much I love man, I love doing it. I still do, but it's amazing to me how many people that I am because I talk about you and I'm I'm proud. I love our friendship and I were in, but I'm sure you a lot and I admire you for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things, and some people don't know you as all of those things. I don't know
anybody does will probably because they listed the podcast and there's millions of them, but still it's the. But I don't think you know. I don't think it is common for people to know how good a comedian you are you know, of course they don't. Unless they've seen you you know, live because they might think your view is, guy from fear factor or the the man show or or UFC you're famous for all those things and stand up comedy. That's uh easy, but I, but I find my self defending you, sometimes going. Listen to it. So? I can stand up. Go watch turn on Netflix and watch that last special watch, all of them It's really really good stuff he's one of the only people that really makes me laugh and it and and- and I feel like I'm out here to spread the word- you got a podcast, it reaches the entire universe and I'm
explaining Joe Rogan to people so listen. I love you and I appreciate you so you saying that to me means lots of. Thank you, that's uh anyway baby. All over my fucking foot, I'm saying is of course and I'm not over it, I'm just not over it. It's a good thing to be If you're going to have one bad moment in your life, that's a fucking management. Could you get impose it off your foot right, but there's no hoes, that's what I'm trying to say I did. It was nasty with no hose I get. It was no fucking hoes. I got it So what would have been stuck if there would have been a hose that that was in the parking lot of a grocery store. Jimmy will be telling me that Conor Mcgregor is mad at me. For something will be saying I could pull up the video. I guess is that a legal are we allowed to see it? say something like a script. I talk of script on script, well call fights on the script dad it's not really true. 'cause. No one ever gives me a script. That's fact I mean. I don't know what exactly said, but maybe just didn't
My commentary, I bet actually when he wins you know you have this picture of the in your right here in the. What do you call this place in the studio? The actual quote is I'd like him to call finally sees it correctly. Instead of reading off a script though? Well, that's that's, that's a you know, that's is, perception. I understand what you're saying we. Sometimes people think that, but you know it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight. If he's talking about me, oh and someone's fight, that's not his friend, then that that makes much more sense. Can hard man I it's hard for me, it's I. I have a really hard time. Calling friends fights it's hard. I don't know I'm a new yeah yeah. Why don't know him that? Well, but I like him a lot. I was, it's fun to watch him fired, that's for sure, yeah sure go ahead and play it right.
Great for when it's crazy inside great gas, then maybe at some stage in the game, Uh. You know that Diaz Fight was good. Talking fight man's a hard fight. I wasn't calling it like the last fight, but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight I had to know. Happened in the last fight in the last fight Diaz Five storm tagged him Adam Brockton then finished him on the ground. It doesn't mean
and that he didn't win. The second fight was close fuckin' fight. The second thing was a very close fight, but you have to acknowledge that that of the fight took place, but he also said it like yeah, it's fun, having fun yeah. You could tell that. I think that guy is sitting in one of the most dynamic individuals to ever. Compete in sport he's a special person very special person, very uh, I will go even if he doesn't beat Cabebe ever again or you know he loses to this. Guy loses to the Floyd Mayweather, who cares still one of a fuckin' billion human being he's an unusual guy, the amount of elect is fucking good man. He starched Jose Aldo is one of the greatest featherweights. If not the greatest next to MAX Holloway of all time starts come with one punch when Aldo was, although, although as the fuckin' man, I mean he. The man smashing everybody for years and can't talk so much to him, it climbed so deep inside his head,
infuriated him to the point where so emotional and he came charge that Connor and Connor just slip back and thank drop like the best one punch knockout in the history of the sport ownership, one hundred percent, because it was so significant there was so much height behind it. It was a guy wear like how good is this guy, this guy, really the next big thing, or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real champion like Aldo and then he box him out with one fuckin' punch black. It was crazy and then hammer wise out when he's on the ground, maybe was definitive fourteen percent, one thousand four hundred and fifteen seconds of the first round he throws hopping Sidekick is gauging the distance he's got like this karate stance, and then he sees Jose a load up here. You can watch right here. He said this is Jose load up and when you, is Jose load up. He had this fight, one could put. He had this fight. One even before I mean he knew how it was going to go down. He knew
All those going to do is real emotional angry, so we knew was going to come forward. So he's gay aging is distance. Why pains he that Bam the Friday? When it's I mean, like one of the most spectacular chaos in the history of the sport because it had so much meaning to it was so important. It was for the other way. Championship of the world. Connor had already won the interim title him and, although facing each other, this big hype thing a year to put together crazy. So that he's awesome. Did you call that? Oh yeah? I think, the only time I've ever yelled out he slept am when some Is that correct? Yes, I don't even know why I said it just like that's that's what came to my head, just yelled it out. He said: that's what he did. He slept. I saw special about that guy who announces for world wrestling or professional Ashley and the guy with Jake the snake. It would no, no you gotta be announced. Oh I'm sorry.
Scott Jim Ross. There was, you know, he's got real bad p, t s d and he's got a great, but he's a great rap ran he's a star, and that sounds like it. I don't know. Well, this is a book It's not a documentary that I saw it. I I can't remember the guy's name and in in twenty minutes I was still not war. Remember the guy's name, but it was given. Grady and he's really good. I mean they should be sought after for big advance. He does all their big of answered and he did and the I like fall off into this crazy dip, precious thing and then they they come back, and you know it was a great story. I wish I could think of it. I would think you would know who that was. Oh, was it more? Oh yeah more when L yeah Morrow does Showtime boxing to what's that is that your phone run
Is it your fault that sings back in black I think the specials called bipolar rock and roller yeah. Tomorrow's been on the podcast for he's a buddy? Ok, he's a great that's a really really nice guy too, but yeah he suffers from Mental illness and he does a really good job of talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of. You know, this is for my son, okay, love! You dad aw, how cute as they in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all. That's awesome man RON White but yeah more more? Is he used? you pride, he's deprived commentary he's A lot of boxing did Showtime boxing. He does w Maybe he's done a bunch of MMA to you, know bunch of different organizations.
They even did glory for a while. He does Bellator two that's right. He does Bellator. He's is really good. Guy yeah, Mental illness is a weird one man. You walked away from it from watching the documentary fan. You know go even if you don't know anything about it. I love wrestling when I was a kid and uh that was a big wahoo. Mcdaniels fan who's Wahu Mcdaniels all come on. I don't know man, I don't know. Man came up during the Bob Backlund days yeah this guy. He was a Dallas cowboy at one time news for Midland TX and he was Cherokee Indian like a comedian like green or somebody who he would he would come out now. This is the first. My first encounter with my
that is what is Buddy Hackett so encounter my my police There's a few years older than me, I'm visiting my relatives up in this little town, north of Amarillo, So we go down down down rail, six hundred and sixty miles down to Amarillo and he's going to take us to this. Auditorium to watch the Super inferno who I hate it. I mean this is on. Do local television all over the you know, taxes, the Navy and the in that, but the one of the stops was there then, and and and so We went at it and I don't think I've been to one a it and my first one and- and I love Wahu Mcdaniels because he gets out of there and just Now it's back from anything right. It you'll think he's out of it being out of it. He just he is amazing fun- and you know I just love him love him love an and I hated the Super inferno 'cause he was like rushing
something you know, something that they would. It was easy to hate because we're all the again we're get about. Russia was like their women are ugly, I'm like no they're, not you know it took me a while. It was like it like. It was all like Pittsburgh because we bad about my relatives about Pitts Burg 'cause. They hated the Steelers, and I just had this image of Pitts Burg of this dark, cloudy biebel bent over gray in the face and the first time I drove into Pittsburgh. I, like I, like this place, this gorgeous look at this place. It's a blast. It is a great place to perform. Oh yeah, it's it's! Always it's always been a big, a big stop for me. Once I got out of the club, yeah Pittsburgh
Great Cleveland's another one. It's very underrated, yeah Cleveland's guy always had a blast playing that improv down the flats may have in the that is the head to the bar and there in the parking lot I was like man has a one: stop shopping for RON White, how many of which dates he doing here these days hundred and ten cities last year and then wow and then I you know- and try to do sats when I'm in town and and the and I should do more. You know like a nice. Is it to have a store, though it you know it's great yeah I went to the memorial in Brody's brodies then you know I'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see somebody so don't ever ever hesitate to say I'm going to need that money, but you gotta right.
You can't do it later. You know you can't get it from their mother at the funeral. You know you can't do that. So very good point that so don't forget that every time I saw it Brody Agama hug. That's why something that Brody and I always had caught with always always every single time I saw Brody, God gave him a big hug like he was, hunger yeah! If you yeah, you know I I only knew him as a brother. You know that I you know I I feel important is important to me to be a part of the comedy community and I'll participate in it if you're out there and you're a comedian, and you want to be comedian comedian, but you gotta go be a comedian and you gotta do it every day. Ever at and I would be for the for the most part. I know you're the same way I mean I know the that you'd never pass up an opportunity to get behind the microphone, whether it's as
eight or ten million people to listen to this or there or sixty five people in whatever it doesn't matter that matter to Maine you gotta. Do it all the time it's going to do it? If you don't do it all the time you lose the touch with the reality of it. Also it's pays as be a and how comfortable you are. In any situation. You know this situation is just me and you talking or twenty people I play the laughing Skull in Atlanta, sixty five people sold out is one of the hottest rooms. I've ever had my hands in love. That joint in that cool is that place yeah. I did that place a couple years ago. Yeah that was my hand. When I lived out there what a great place to practice yeah it was. It was great, just great staff too. It's like a comedy fans. People who weren't vortex was really cool. Bar next year gave great burgers right. They said a lot of number one tequila nice yeah, that's a great little, If you could have that's why Every city needs right. They need a great little comedy community. You know where you got
open that are really working on it, people that really appreciate right now, yeah. Well, there was a really good comedy scene Atlanta, and I like it a couple of guys that one last comic standing came out of the land and that's great, I'm so play with names like yeah, it's only like, but if stop and think how many real calm the communities are there in the country. I don't think, there's ten, you think, there's ten wow, now you know Saint Louis is always had one Chicago's always had was Denver's always had one and, of course La New York Houston, uh, if you see that one can list in Hixson, Greenlee and Pineapple, Do you know who I worked with pineapple once you know we used to do. He would drive all the way across, Houston to ignore me. That's what he did it. He did it all. The time too It had no reason to be there, and I I and I know a lot is that some of those guys didn't like me, because
I don't I don't know why I don't know but they were really really click ish and I went in there one night and had a horrible set. And uh. I was following Hicks and you know it and I really green show, but in the right circumstance you know in a car many club with nothing great happened before you. It kind of worked a little bit that night in a work at all and it it it, but- and I was probably get a little more work and those guys were some of them, and there are he sucks well the fact of the matter ' 'cause I did suck because my act went up. You don't wanna, follow x at what at say that to make the story better, I will follow Hicks, He was you know or Kenison, but they were both there. Ok now I had done so, but everybody was good. I mean that's really good. All these guys were seasoned pros that that was a hot line up in uh, but but I never felt,
like the kitty of like me, except for Hicks, to see him. You know do shows and uh him to do the story about the use John Davidson, and then the man and then he goes because what he says he goes don't stand next to the exits. Just a tip just walk out of the show I watched him do that he did that at the next comedy, stop in Boston and he cleared the fucking room and it was it was crazy because at the end of the show there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics have five or six people in the crowd. There's, like maybe twenty people left all told, laugh in our fucking asses right. Everybody else is getting up angry. I saw it go both ways. You know I've seen be crowds to death, I saw was that one night at the last stop in Austin and
nobody in the room could breathe and he was in the mood to do it and yeah. You know- and you know- and I think sometimes he was, and sometimes he wasn't yeah or whatever but he was in the mood and decided to just fucking stab it's all in the face and- and it was yeah just it was beautiful. He was except you, whether or not people think he was one of the greats like that. Highly subjection, all right its objective. Rather it's completely up to your own amputation, but to me he each comedy in a lot of ways, because he made people talk about things that were important ' 'cause. Everybody else is talking about nonsense. You're talking about airline food and how come I can't leave my seat back stand,
normal shift following it up exactly right and he was coming along talking about positive drug stories. You know a man on acid realize it all matters enerji, condensed to a slow, rhythmic vibration like that whole but it was his time with the weather app. That was amazing, yeah! No, no does anyways influential. I mean, I think I Let's say this about Bill Hicks and I am an expert at stand up comedy that I would have a triple doctrine in uh. If you gave those kinds of things for the work I have. The amount of time I put in two hundred percent and in it and there's appear, would have the exact same thing. So for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand up comedy they have. They have a lot of credit to Maine before I really give a shit what they think. Ok, so here's what you should think. The only thing that
free comic from my generation agrees on is, he was better than us now that's the only thing that they agree on and they and I can't find anybody that has a big argument that he was, and that was the the best that ever lived No, but did he influence me more than anybody else and you probably more than anybody else because you're, certainly that way also write some somebody built that bridge. Yes and you and now you feel free, need to talk about anything. You know none of your act. Never hack. You know there were a lot of hacks, but I think makes freed people not to be a hack. You know yeah, he cared people that he made it shameful. You know we're talking but there was also you cured above ceiling material, so I don't know if I well, the one on guarantee it's there's a chain reaction to it, just like craft getting caught getting a blowjob that shy.
Yeah business, all you've got near you as they there buddy walked into a spot without wonder and where is the weather had existing over a yeah and your name was going to be blown out on them? Is not crazy, but here's the thing they they get guys there's a video this guy doing a massage, so they've got video of it right and at the end, the girl. What if she didn't jerk him off, she just gave him a massage. What kind of a fuckedup invade and of his privacy have you, just went in there to get a massage or was everybody just getting jacked off, I would have engine. We sent him a plea deal to drop the charges. I don't know what happened. Here at everybody out else to stay above above ground, kids. Well, I gotta tell you know I was so lonesome. You know. I took some comfort there. You know in my lifetime, as of Paul Simon, once wrote and okay, I'm not I'm getting what I'm not going to say it because
Yes, I hear it's not it's not yeah not. Everybody seems to be perfectly aware that they could be washing your feet. Yeah and you know, and that's fine, yeah. Why is it that a guy like that would go to a place like that? Like he's so rich You know he has a guy if you don't have a guy who should get a guy right now, further, a cleaner look, no further than in this is everybody's going to realize just fading. My memory is now, but the which actor that got caught with the Yes Elizabeth, Hurley husband, Hugh Grant, grant right yeah look at Hugh Grant married to the hottest woman on the planet at the time right, ruthlessly, hot, Yeah, amazingly hot, you look at it. What made a jury either at their mother's boyfriend? Girlfriend yes, girlfriend. And. And even I couldn't understand that right
because I you know I've. I've been with a couple of shakes before my life, but this was he wanted it free yeah. He and I you know I I get that and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have you know that I've gotten a hand job from somebody, and I admit this which is the best sex I've ever had in my life, because it was somebody that was number one. It was a great massage and this tantric thing going on and- and you know, and it, but it was fantastic and and I see an and it's free, most anywhere and that's in because it is legal as it can be right
milking tables that have a whole you're saying screw and if hey do look it up again for the guy. If he lies in the stomach? Well, you don't have it. You got your monitor, cracked! What's that it's a word, we are dog he's leading your back no, but it may more sense hygienic to have like a hole in the bottom of the table. It on the screen. I'm sure, sir, is that Israel as a listener, let him out and I'm not a I I all I'm saying- is that it and like in Canada or the most of the the world right, it's getting. A tug is not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever Anne is harmless and who gives you shitton well, why is it ok to massage your feet, but it's Okay to massage.
Regular basis, yeah regular basis? I think the problem really is sex trafficking. That's the problem and if you had that eagle, profitable time error, but you know that's the worst thing exactly I can imagine, but it but it, but I and I'm not going to, I know you're lying because it's the most horrific thing you can imagine that's the most horrific thing you can imagine taking. Something is watching that series about taking Madeline. And I'm in so I'm like. I just can't even that that I would you know I would support any anything way, shape or form yeah to have it out, spend billions of dollars, but both
on the ground. You know you know it's not. Even if you cannot in any way you can women who are trying to be legitimate sex workers, whether or not you think that's something that they you know, then there are. What I think is, as it is a it is a you know, go down, but I talked to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona and I wanted a little three day stopover. It's been eight days with mom and Barcelona, an their signs don't take pictures of our sex works that now our sex workers, not our sex work right and I mean they. They they totally own it and go hey. This is not a bad deal. You know that is that. Do you know you you're, you know what you're qualified to do make french fries or it turns out you're super hot and you in our country. You have this job or in law and order in this country. You can have this job just not everywhere, but he has only a couple spots in this country right it heart, Nevada, Nevada, for I think that
it. I don't even know it. I think just about. I think, that's it. But it's to me at the airport. I realized in an illegal horton. Okay, I am, a lot right. I'm ten weeks into years the and marijuana is is legal recreationally now and they have the biggest dick history in the world, which is like a like. It's like personal made it or something you know it's I went in. There was fantastic and prostitution is legal. You can get uh drinking liquor twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I realize that I'm a law abiding citizen here when I'm standing on this part of the United States ground. I don't break any laws at all. I can be free, that's why also good. When I go to Vegas that's what people go, do you like Vegas, you get tired of it, I'm not no right 'cause! I can breathe deep mutherfuckers. That's why I
be who I am yeah. I can do it openly yeah. I can you know it and and ends so. Can everybody else and you get a sense that and that's why yeah, but I've sold out one hundred fifty shows in a way that you spelled out there. I saw you the you realize it's the law that causes the paranoid. Is you know because, when you're in Amsterdam, in one of those coffee shop, smoking a joint drinking, a bad ask cup of coffee, it's fun and free. You know freeing and yes the it should be. You know the fact of the matter is same thing happened to me in Florida with just a little bit. I'm handcuffed. Take going to jail and and move from city jail to county jail and processed and fingerprinted and photographed they printed. My address
on the internet, so people, anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house. I don't think anybody did 'cause, nobody gives a shit except for a people. A few people did right. RON White has a jet That's that's the part, I don't believe, but anyway yeah man. The law is the real problem. When you make alcohol illegal, you made organized crime, big, that's what happened! That's what they do, learn that from probation could be learning that from all the drug problems we have in this country. Gia marijuana will be selling for the price of corn in twenty years because takes the same amount of effort to grow it right now it's easier! This is how easy are you probably need less pesticides right There's a gigantic problem, s of our border folks with drugs, and it's because of us. It's one hundred because of us. We've been mean, not us like you and me, I don't do any.
Because they sell the part that I get. I get from people to grow in California, but there's a lot of people that buy coke and if you buy coke or Yes, you probably buying it from someone down there and you know: there's a god damn driving industry, that would go away if we made things legal. If you gave people like you RON, white You telling me you shouldn't be able to buy Coke, who the fuck are they to tell you, you can't buy coke first of you, sell tequila, kill you and you can get way more fuckedup on my tequila yeah or no quick. As aspect, Rapids Heroin as backup up is anything else. I know he's your true self you know, I'm my own amazingly great tequila. I have found you can because I'm an idiot and got just too carried away, and you know easy to kill yourself with tequila that is with coke. You probably do a lot of coke to die right. It's probably hard to do. Coke at the end
nose is bleeding hearts pounding on your chest. You go take another bump push yourself over the edge. It's probably hard in this car face. Oh yeah he lived, no cocaine, they shot about fifty five time yeah they do that because we chose a chilly d as well as I would live in well tried junk right. We do is alive and well right. You guys do a lot of could kill you, especially what chilli Dheas that mother can never actually rat poison. Go. Do a show right, be market death, you weather today to see him in Austin? He was playing in Austin idea. Yeah. We had watched him just bliss sure crowd, Amigo Lister him he's my go. It was. It was so much fun to watch because uh they seem to shore, says all that, but I got to watch him. Do you know? Is we have fifty at the be the brother of the two ministers last that long? It was great we had a blast. Did you by replicating that and this fucking sanitized world
there's pure l everywhere you turn the thing. Is you know you you if you're a true in a is on that? I believe that if it is a comic or whatever, if you're true to your nature, then enough people will be attracted to that that you don't. The only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature, yeah right. If you look at all the great a real successful comics in in the history of comedy. They were true to who they were I mean at, but but you know, yeah he tricked, he was honest what I like to do drugs and thought no one else, so I never. We did that but yeah. I never really did that bit onstage very much. Can I do it on your show? Two. Oh fuck, yeah,
Let me think about that. It bill. Cosby umbilical is bills defense. Explain to his years ago how much he hates cursing and no one forces more than a wide awake woman, who's being raped and that so Jeremy, just jail h is Joe, I know, but that it made me cry, laugh and because it's so up I mean you look at it's both true, and
Fuct up right. It is true yeah, it's not endorsing rate! That's why I never really found a spot. The opening line up that's an hour and twenty minutes long so open with that mother Fucker, sir. I know yeah. I know I do you know what it was always just a mixed review. It made people think it made. Yes, you know it was like baby duck pushy lip tacos. You either like it or you didn't like it, but you listen to the next bit. Well, you made sense, though it does make sense I mean it really doesn't joke. It's just a funny thing to say: we should all should have known like, but it was his trying to control other people. He was always trying troll young black comics and stop them from swearing brighter. Well, there was a realist thing that yeah yeah yeah. He called prior yeah. It's just that we need judge the book. Did you get paid?
well tell bill to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuc up right yeah. That dude is it that was there's a guy that I'd like to get back into comedy, Eddie Murphy or at if you're out there get back in so hard at RA, RA, so good Still? There is one the best comedy specials of all time at the exit of all time and he did this thing, but it also himself. Yes, bill, Cosby and also sells, is very good. The you know a lot comics learned a lot about stand up, comedy watching Bill Cosby himself, oh yeah. He knew how to hold a moment. Oh yeah, oh, it was a beautiful. He works like you know. That thing was framed like this. The whole show was just his face and no cutaway to fuckin' people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is. It was just
in the end rate right just on his face and yeah and it was, it was gorgeous work just gorgeous work. I've thought about this many times. Do you think that those people from back in that era, from back in, like the 60s in the 50s that they used to drug each other, and they didn't think it was as big a deal like that men would do that which what we would consider today to be horrific. The idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and it's horrific, horrific yeah. We want violent repercussion, That's right! That's right! Yeah! Definitely I want to smash, but do you think that maybe back, then they were ignorant but they didn't know any better. Like you always hear about people slipping people and Mickey do they think it was cute. We actually do like how many men were doing that back then. Do you want? I'm saying I find myself to be so conservatively.
That I really can't think outside in that box. You know I just watched that documentary about him. Taking that girl. They don't know what happened to her too much is three years old, but they were, but it talks a lot. About recovery and it just how sick of fucking world is out there, and I can't even think about it. I mean this one detective had to look through these dark websites and I'm like and look at these images that you can on look at those images. You know it's just a sickening thing as a runner having a hard time with that with the people that work for social media sites when they have to take down videos like on Facebook and things like that, like a lot of them like they're, taking down these horrific videos like horrible all she all day long, these people were just finding the things that are like horrible accident, it's horrible assassinations, ISIS videos and they just taking him down right, on Jim Norton show one time he showed me a video of a guy fucking, a snake and I'm like dude. I don't want to see any of his shit with Jim yeah, Jim, no one Jim.
It was a jam in that and he's very, very funny, and I love the whatever I do with Jim is fun but looks anything on the air in animal people alive in the heads up and well that stuff in it. But he just say: well, you know look at the that I like the guys, but it seems like he found a snake pushy and stuck his whenever snake egg regular, so talk to fucking hole to hold the dudes having fuckd I'll find you hold. It can't be forked five to finish I love Norton, for the same reason, why I love you he's just himself he's not pretending to be anybody. He said himself for dinner, be so they won't watch a man, a snake he's who watch men, man, he he. He loves everything he works. He likes transgender women. He gets off on it gets he gets guineas open about it. Talks about all the time. To the point where
when he was on Opie and Anthony and the one they were in their prime. It was like one of their major themes was that Norton is in do transgender women. So what's that called? I don't know it's called being Jim Norton right he's happy, I mean there's got to be a name right, yeah, it's probably some names like a slang term for it in this, Probably some sort of you know now. I would think if anybody knew what that was, it would be. You said, you've never heard Jamie you think. There's a word for dudes are only into transgender gender women about there is, if there is, we could making they're talking about sure, there's got be a man is now a woman right right right, not woman is well. This should be two right. There's packers, which is a man who's now woman, but still has a dick and she could peg. You yeah right, she's, your girlfriend and she can fuck your.
I had I had. I had sex with a woman. That was a if you play for the Wnba. Well, She said six three, but I know she was a full head taller than me. She was so tall. She could stick a finger in my ass while she arms were so long that she could reach around. While I was wow and stick it here in my house and I'm like: let's just go to church, you know getting this over with that makes gladiator children with big funny dude come on in my search here, I haven't found that term, but I've never heard lesbian lesbian man, a lesbian man was that mean okay, I'll, take a stab at it and help me it's a it's. It's uh. It's a man is a man who Words to a woman, but he still likes women yeah, but he can keep his penis. I think I think that's what's causing it
yeah, some of them identified. He just likes to be pegged by women. Oh, not and he's not in the guys. Huh But you really am- I lesbian man right, so he only likes. You know what I want to be in a bisexual. That is dope is the field up all the way that shut it down that you're right who's going to that's like I, I Q agrees that pond a fish from quest, not very big, a lesbian man. Imagine if, like that, so you you put the bat signal out. I'm is being man, I'm just looking for guys to peg me, there's a lot of them that we want to suck you just for revenge. How much of that? is women that why, the pretty women don't seem to have any problem with a lot of like pretty easy going about men, but if you have bad genetics like if you delta wrong in the stick. That's that is if there's like people talk about
many quality in this country and that's definitely a real thing, but if there is a real thing it's like who do people wanna inequality in this country, that's off the God. Damn charts right just as men and as women. We just have to have to understand some people. They have an unearned tyranny on sexual affection. It's unearned. They didn't have to do anything. Like these russian women that people are lying to you about right, yeah, you meet them and you go. Jesus is Just rush in gladiator genetics in perfect, like model form and you're like holy, she let me get the fuck out of this room, quick. I was on a cruise one time that is married. And I'd rented the like the back quarter that I've ever ended, the same spot, Oprah stays in got the fortune and I'm glad we're out on the deck and and in
there's two big suites in the middle and another one just like mine at the end, but the one that was in this one, which was also a real expensive room, was this russian dude, and he was short guy, chunky and bald. But the girl who was with him was just a and I knew is second, I was fucked because There's no way my wife is not going to catch me just at least taking one little glimpse at the corner of my eye and then she's going out now. If that's, what you want, you'd rather have her in Maine that like no absolutely not absolutely not. Why would I? Why would I that's how great what an outrageous assertion: what an accusation: yeah, if they only knew how vulnerable we are to woman like that? Take that woman can there's a lot of people that woman can like run their life and they've they
a guy who's, an accountant, who's, never Fakta, twelve and they'll start talking to him and basically and there's nothing. You can do anything and the thing they want to do as long as they're willing to actually touch him as long as you're willing to stick their sucking beautiful tons of guys mouth is helpless, suck on his lips with Ryan. That pussy against his dick he's grab is asked. She later put your finger the base of his it ain't and rub it. While you stick your tongue down his throat. His dick is hard as a rock. Well, these things have never happened to this man. There goes the neighborhood to rundown to the car after the house, throw the keys in the front yard. The kids yeah that's had ice tea. So I really hoped it would turn out this way, but I still body count yeah, there's certain women that you could just run you. Oh oh.
I know I know I know I know I know I get it yeah edit, I married one of them could be careful, let's get you but If you, if you not, if you're, not here's the thing yeah, how much of that like for dudes who cases where you know it's not going to work like goddamnit. This dude he's like uh small sheep and he married a wolf or I time for she fleeces am and gets the fuck out of dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive, but this is not going to we've all seen before we've all seen. I wish I could tell you the story. I wish you could too. Shut his podcasts off resume in ten minutes? Okay, all right! Let me tell you the story, because I just don't want to say- and I understand it's inter twined was something right right right, but it's very with that. That is on a landline cations. Can anybody go jail now? Can anybody get sued now?
Oh, no, I don't think so and it's the truth. Ok, so I'll just create a fictional scenario, let's call the gentleman. What do you want to call him? Let's, let's call him Todd Blaker Todd Blinker Ok! Now I can't even do it this way, because I'll get chastised I'll get that you know. I think people would find out slow down there. This weekend also I've drunk- and I know you get me drunk on your show- and so it's my fault, selecting people on Reddit. They had their fingers above the keys. They were hovering ready to start searching right now. You know there is no such thing as a guy named Matt, and I will not tell you the story on this. Visit anyway, it was amazing was I saw it happening. Yeah is his wife. Was there
they've been married for a long time and he didn't look like much and and and at all and and in the end it was a kind of an assistant, and that was thank you over your doesn't, and so I just that knows I was like uh, you know where this is going at it. Would it would exactly yeah? I thought it was going and and- and there was nothing he can do it- we need to there's absolutely. He was completely powerless over this person loom over you, oh yeah, like Gary Oldman in Dracula. Remember that who, like Winona Ryder, was hypnotized by Ah, yes, open shirt in the middle night, Gary Old would be slithering into the fucking windows as missed right
body heat with it's like oh yeah, with Kathleen Turner throws the fucking chair through the window, just throw it right. Then I used in the bug and bad. He didn't want to use the door to find out. It was great with Kathleen Turner back in the desert. People don't know how does it get something that she was so sexy mean she develop health problems as she got older, but when she was young holy it moly. It was amazing yeah, there was a lot of their feel like rubbing one off thinking about me. I owe you a few so go ahead and do it nice, nice reciprocation, it's hard when you watch the guy get preyed upon when you watch like a man struggle with the fucking spiders web and like well, hey man. You know will be fun when she does fuck you right there right. So as long as you can stay active or I get close to her, don't let it get
how much money it. I know, because you know the the way I've been around for a long time and it was a contract right now she is yeah. So there goes that part of it, but I think the paper work was fairly solid and towards the end of like a limit or whatever everybody knows this is moving. I knew a guy was about to marry gallon shouldn't and he was trying to do well, no prenuptial, my friends were school, remain at him like what the are you talking about he's like look man, I don't if it if it doesn't work out. I'd like her to have half and then went back to the it's almost like you know like you wish. You had garlic to put around you right now. Your telling know about the flood so really two animals and they put their money in their ugly she's, not ok,
understand this world is not fair. The reality of not fair. Is you made enough money to a tractor, but she's got a she's got a web? You might get hooked, you might get injected or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous. Right how you do that job, yet mysterious bro, I'm serious I have like a book. Is that how you did anything special books that you read gonna be moody got to go on early morning runs well, they're, still sleep, getting a show. Power, so they don't do any of these things. You gotta show power that I've ever done. One of these things have to be different. You have to be able to quote Shakespeare. Yeah you gotta, be you'll, be willing to give up a lot of money if you're, not ugly, dude you, the hot wife yeah a certain time for she gets bored with you here, Lord trainer, right, if you're at what I think is going to happen
business within the next thing. That exact same thing happened. That happened. Yeah I've been friends with a lot of people where that's happened. What I think is going to happen within the next fifty years. Is there going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people legitimately through DNA? I think we're going to be able to do that where they're not going to know the world that we knew when we were kids, no internet, no faked it's! Sometimes we were just unattractive. No one knew anything about diet. Nobody worked out. Nobody worked out those in high school, then we fucking work. Dudes would like bench press and shit we know like how many women lifted weights were in high school. The cheerleaders were in good shape, yeah for a little while for a little while and I got nobody- nobody kept going- did Rocky really start like the big. Movement started my movement, I've read about it, but I don't know how true it is those two way too young dude when rocky. Now I think I was seven Ann.
I drank raw eggs and ran around the block, and I told Sylvester Stallone that I don't doubt that one single bit of one hundred percent dead Like holyshit, I want to be a fighter. I started drinking eggs and running never ran it's seven years old, fuck my doing run, Maybe I was at had no such effect on the talented and adapted it out. I think we're right at. Was amazing. He goes I don't know how old I was, but I remember it when it came out, never been more inspired for something in my life. I movie change the war. Well, people understand how good it was. He lives on my street that feeling he does. He sound like I'm grabbing his range rover with the big cockatiel on his shoulder, so that's kind of cool. There is very good running around fucking weights in his hand and ship running with converse all stars. One of the reasons why, wearing for this day there
It would be also, as you might be, kids, there might be like some cheap Walmart version. Who knows, but this is some fucking epic, in the 1970s. What year was this movie? What do the guess? What year do you think it was? I want to say, like seventy nine yeah seven thousand six hundred and seventy six. In the spirit of seventy six was the rematch. No, there was seventy six, because that was when APOLLO Creed, one hundred and seventy six yeah Adam Middle. As exactly one matters across uh uh, I believe was Alabama. And now he drove a nineteen seven that you drove the bicentennial vega right. So it was a bagel the seventy six Vegas has stopped this TED. Seventy six, you know some things of that. Do it would, you know, celebrate the. Sesquicentennial or whatever me was the no surprise to I guess, I'm a long time.
That was nine years old in this movie came around. So that's exactly how old I was. I got a today's technique, something good for you, sir, need to tighten up on a swing with the ways thrown punch hello in the meantime, if you need coach. You need a coach. Well, he got one in Carl Weathers. This is a key to right, rocky to Carl Weathers became is put. It was a rocky three three right, because that was when he fought Misty. That's right right, yeah, hey woman,. Do you want to say man Edgardo hard about to stay up every night, a real man? so several apartments, and that show you real man I couldn't believe he was saying that to rocky right right. It was. He was saying it to a wahoo Mcdaniels. You know yeah man, oh, I didn't Oh yeah! So here's what happened. My first encounter with the police. I found out that the
bad guys were coming out of one side, one dressing room and the good guys come out the other side. So I went up to the stands and waited for the inferno to come out and when he came out I spit on I just spit on it, which is a big old. I hate it with. Well, I really I did I've never hated anybody holding forty eight is bid on him. An in the cops on me do it and they came and got me, and they took me to my cozen and, like he spit on the Super inferno and, like you know, he was like oh so that horrible and if he doesn't do anything you just keep it and so, but afterwards my cousin thought it was hilarious. Of course he did that's a story, I- was trying to put him out yeah the super inferno. You think I get it yeah funny yeah
I don't think I've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than Eleanor Kerrigan from the comedy store where you don't tony and yeah five guys go to the yeah, no yeah you're going to go with this. I'm like no, you know alright twenty to possible for ten minutes of my last special leash it on him for load, progress right right right. It was, I remember I remember he loves it, I, though, that he that he does that show the the for what is it called for storm and I, before still, I'm in it's. They they do a wrestling podcast from the comedy store with a bunch of the comics who the other guys find out the names you find it online yeah. He loves. I should love, he's always like dude, you watch with me: you'll love it. I loved it when I was a kid
horsemen store horsemen perfectly the gentleman that are involved in this venture with him, four, show. I did it once Tony Hinchcliffe Johnny scored Us Matt, EDGAR and Josh Martin. There you go there, you go Chris Burns there you go. They go, oh yeah. They do it from the basement. You've been in that studio downstairs in the basement. I did a podcast out of there. I can great down there. Man cuz, I love the fact. Is that stores erase podcasts. You know what the comedy store embraces: what's important, always yeah over any other place, so you know what they embrace comedians and they customers really come. Second to the they're so because there's one parking lot, people brought in. I know this, but there's one parking lot holds about thirty cars or something like that twenty cars or whatever and guess who gets the there, the comedians that are playing that night. They get to pull right up and park by the door, and then it is so cool to Maine and not
see that there's a bar that if you're in it, is not written on that building, you can't go in without somebody whose name is written on that building. Yeah and those are the it's so cool to have your name written on that building and go to bar this. Just for you and and and I I you know, they they yeah, they have the my number one two kilo and- and I can smoke cigars and not everybody has spoken there, but I get that one little extra deal they don't give, but they let you do whatever you want in there. So yeah yeah in there. You know, there's a place to smoke pot. They built that they built a bug. ESPN over prior to snort cocaine off because they understood here's what they understood, Joe here's, what they understood. They understood the comics are insane yeah. So come be insane here. You know If you're crazy, we get it, we don't care. Yeah come crazy here. You know in the end and then at the improv. Yet, but Freeman go go!
Language learning, change your language, it's bugging him say that I heard him say it and the first time I ever came to the comedy store, which was probably in now, maybe the eighty nine I've made of soldiering out here. You know to see what happened. So I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I don't have any friends, I don't know anybody I got it. I was saving the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard, which was fifty dollars which is outrageous back then, and in the in the first day I got into it hotel into an elevator, with this huge bridge, black transvestite, that that was all- step going to a show going to do go into one of those big drag queen shows. And I was like all right and but I went to the to the comedy store first and they I think it was a Monday night and they fucking put me on. I told him I had
doing you know, stand up in Texas for a couple of years and they fucking put me on it I didn't do very well, an not necessarily you know early in the set same piano player, you know, there's nothing changes, and but I would go to the to the Robin invited come over to me and he knew megaline seem. We do open mic at the improv in Irby the opening act in the improv in Dallas and he came up to him right. Could you do me a favor? yeah. But what could you stand over there because you're blocking in way through here for the like? Okay, a little further? Okay? Okay? So then, yes, You know that I was new guy, you know it all I needed was you know a break. Whether I deserved it or not. They gave it to me. It's a is a store. The store has a heart that way. You know
Well, they the store is the art form is primary, that's everything everything everything is built around, that art form it didn't used to. Let the agents in the managers in we could get it apart yet to buy a ticket. If you will quercy agent, you want to come, see this guy or that guy RON White get a buy a ticket. This is the only place in town, so the agents couldn't just come in and run the place like they did in a lot of places they would come and they would be in the back of the room talking. I remember I went to a showcase once it was uh William Morris, put on showcase of the comedians are represented in they did a club like a night. On sunset and nicked APOLLO was on stage and they asked me to perform like you're out of your fucking mind. Oh my god, there's no way I'm going to perform at this. I know what this is I come I'm not looking to get hired for anybody. I'm already represented. I go I'm going to watch. This is going to be a disaster,
to go with my manager and I'm in the top level. In everyone's talking, All of these fuckin' agents agents, the agency assistant even watch no reason to not even watching RON, and so I'm watching these guys struggle on stage where no one John Henson goes up and then Nick Depalo goes up and Nick was the only one who said anything about it and not everybody fucking talking at the top like these are agents is unbelievable. He was making that that was the probably would never allow that they would kick everybody out at room, get the fuck out of here right. I get outta here and they still to this day, don't tolerate that kind of it a they don't breed that kind of thing, and I would also don't let me go on record as saying this Joe. Yeah,
I'm not saying I don't like the other rooms and out and I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there and I'm not saying I don't need him as bad as I need to store. There do good, solid comedy rooms and I think there's trying to make judgments and they're starting because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs. One of the columns hang out the college dorm like oh yeah. Let me tell you so well number one: you don't sell my tequila and they do an, but also they when I come to your place, got either I got, I got a valet parking pay for it. You pay twenty five dollars to do a set. Maybe thirty five dollars now both of these numbers are low, but to some comic they'd rather have that other they noticed the ten bucks get us need the money for short notice that, in a lot of cases that you have to choose between those two clubs
Is it still that way? I mean? I don't know it was no. The store in the improv in particular get along really. Well. We get along really well now, Ann Page, who does all the booking for the improv is always at the store and she's good friends. Adam Well, that's good! Together! That's good yeah! I know that's why I offered you a spot on the show that I'm doing tonight at the improv, if you wanted to do it, because I'm I'm there full again beautiful how drunk at my nap at what time is the perfect time, it's five hundred o'clock my time, eight hundred o'clock rolls around you'll, be simmering you'll, be like braised beef. And we're going to need adderall to be falling off the bone. What I want you putting it in your schedule, three hours and Jay Mcgraw you're you're, my whether it is I love him I had daddy on the show please call me now: he's daddy was dropping science
His daddy is dad's a fucking genius doctor Phil he's a great guy like people who don't know Doctor Phil he's a fucking great guy. You know it's it. He sent me a text the other day and he goes. I've got this, you're going to think it's crazy, and so we at the Beverly Hills, hotel and- and I play a lot of golf with dokken- I know well and in ten years or whatever Yahoo remember who were talking about he said doc. I never called the Doc home Phil. Oh, I thought I call him Doc says dad yeah. So James Daddy can take him out and played that's why I said so. He goes alright. Here's what we should do. We should do, a two man show and, and
and I know he's out of production- and I know he's bored. The ads also hurt so he's had that motorcycle wreck, and you know that get new shoulder surgery right. Brenda, so he's like he really gameplay governor, and I was just bored so it so it really is, and and and and do anything Dr Phil wanted to 'cause, I love spending time with him. An Indiana or anything he does is a big success anyway. So I would do it, but he really Here was his idea: okay, it's a it's a it's. A two man show on Broadway right and goes and then you know, I'm not sure how it starts and I'm like okay, it would probably start with the curtain opens and you and I are standing there, because it's a two man show on Broadway. That's probably a starch
those in there. We can do a QA and I'm like now it would have to do something before the Qa Doc right, because we've and that before it is hilarious right are just as close as we are. I mean that where we born in our circumstances in life, and and he's it completely on dimensionally fuqing beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had, but it won't, but we both from nothing in the same part of the world, and so we have This connection that people have a hard time, understanding you know they can't believe you and Doctor Phil or literally we tell people, we love each other, so that I mean in to give you a good example that he took me down. We flew in his golf stream to the Cayman Islands and I I have a certificate or anything. But I had one. It was just expired and, So we went on this dive and he watched Maine
like I was four years old, the whole time we were under what and if I got close to sell, but I shouldn't be like and we'll remember so so I know he loves me right. I know he loves me and and and so okay, but their way really they have an idea, but I just knew that I do he was that he was bored and any question have sludge and and and talk about something I like. Let's talk about it, I guess I would do anything. I would love to figure out something to do with him. That makes sense, because we, because we come off, really Fun together and in and in a in a KN position situation right. Then our views, even though we cover similar background had different views, are in some ways it out several. They are in some way, so it's fun stuff. We should figure, cast together, we love it. That is they're, not yeah. I just did it
Did it like two weeks ago, right yeah, I that yeah, that's? Why that he now he's exceptional love, that guy is fucking easy going guy to really easy to be around. You know like comfortable in his own skin. You know the reason why so successful right so like anybody could do that. Look at that doctor, OZ, guy, that doctor OZ guy. I just watch him and I was like I don't know. I don't know. I don't know Doc well. You know he does three fifteen hours a day all the any does God cast now and that that that is part of the easy it has also, order that that at auto podcast also podcast and to start it started up, and and now I'm going to do a few people before I do you just get used to it and then I have you come on. I'm like well for sure I'll do that funny is that he thinks is needs to get used to it all yeah. He does unscripted television along with Cameron his face all day long, but it turns out he didn't need
they used to it. He was great at it from the very beginning. Of course he was yeah. That's the same exact skill. He talks to people who knows how to talk to people. He knows how to listen. That's the yeah! That's like what is yeah a lot of people when it comes to. You were out playing golf and one time when I was going through a divorce Ann People ask me, Does he give unsolicited advice and I'm like he doesn't give solicited advice? even if you ask so I'm playing golf with him and I'm like dark this uh is divorce is killing. Me is just killing me and he goes keep your head still, when you put that's what he said, I like what does keep your head still when you put your ear riddle their mood when you put well but you're moving your head all over the place. So why don't? We start will keep you it still when you put witch now ' a metaphor for a lot of things to me is keep your head still when you plot, you know
what you do well, it's what makes you feel bad or whatever you know, but in that particular case that yeah. Those were really simple words, and I know they were right off the cuff and I've thought about him all the time. Since you keep your head still when you put that's solid advice, yeah right! So it's a it's! It's a little stoop beep beep won't be more so being his own, I'm not if you're playing pool keep your head down when you shoot right, keep your head down when you shoot, don't jump up on the shot right. That was a fall through, but but you wouldn't exactly Solid advice, but it but it was, it was something else to do and continue to think about to this fucking day. It is advice because, if you're really good at golf in that, in fact, if you know how to not move your head, like that's a discipline where you can apply that to the rest of your life right here, if your loose and you're not thinking in your fuckedup you're, not using good technique, he is going to be over the place right same thing with stay down, you shot right, archery.
Yeah, I can still fall through correct, follow through its very some more, do you try to control it be all herky, Jerky and ship archery is all archery I think one of the most then things I've ever done in my life. Surprisingly, surprisingly, then you know Foxworthy when he built his big house in Georgia. He had deer set up deer target, set up that he could walk out on the balcony ' office, therefore, I have them in my yard, I'm over the place to deer, I'm in our neighborhood, and I said you know what you have to do- just shut the gate. Which in turn Foxworthy lose in here with a pillow, and he would Everything in here he's a natural born killer. Is gonna real, careful? Shooting arrows in neighborhoods they do that in certain places they have these uh the dential deer hunting permits where there were allow bowhunters to come in and
shoot deer in. You know suburban communities. 'cause. They just have such an overpopulation too many people are hitting with their cars yeah yeah. So like there's places like I think there was one place: it's executing freedom, Doritos out of your hand, yeah they'll, just spread around. You know: yeah. Here's a bag of Doritos, especially those high fence, places right where they have feeder center forum there's a place in in Pennsylvania. Look up! This is true. There's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer Three hundred and sixty five days story story. Tell me another No, no go ahead! Now, I'm done alright. Jameill, Google, the Pennsylvania place where you can dear three hundred and sixty five days a year The! Let me, let me figure out a way to tell the story: okay, yeah, hey our buddy Jay Mcgraw is a tv producer right, so they they produce the doctors and the doctor. Phil show.
So in the bowl on C B S, but they also have another ten or twelve shows on any level of cable and if they can sell it to make it as a tv production company. So the gap. That made the movie and I always screw up his name. So I'm going to have you look it up. That did the movie about the the kid and we took sixteen years to make link light or is it my my second ride from Texas? I don't know that movie. Where is that movie? They followed him from the time. He was a kid it yet, but the movie took sixteen years Oh yeah called about a boy. I so in the director was James, got a lot of tabs open. I think Linkletter yeah, so he he he to. I just want to get the story right.
He bought two miniature potbelly pigs that turned out to be not Pot belly pig with me coming says: that's not real at all. Those miniature pigs are just starved little pigs. Let me okay. Let me finish. Let me finish right, so he needs to find some send to do with these pigs and it turns out in Bastrop Texas, where he lives. Now. This is a very famous artistic, probably one of the best directors alive and he's from Texas that they did. The first movie Matthew Mcconaughey about living in Austin. That is that- and I you know you just give me so wasted on the show- I can't ever remember anything but anyway, Matthew Mcconaughey with a right? No, no, no! No! No! No! No, this is the first thing. Matthew, Mcconaughey really discovered Mcconaughey in
is going to university of taxes and did the movie what why I bringing a friend to start bringing a friend with me talk about yet no, no, no, no Matthew Mcconaughey, allowing does over spare me the of Matthew, Mcconaughey and that director First movie Matthew Mcconaughey, were dead. I think was a few days ago. Old school, alright, alright, alright, alright, ok, dear, so ok was a deer thing. True, yes, I found a neighborhood where it's true but I'll wait okay, so you're it and I'm gonna insert a story all right. So this my Matthew, Mcconaughey story when I was moved Dawson, I have friends there, the that are, you know, l I cost and they are friends, but I always thought you know how it
being friends with Matthew Mcconaughey and we know a lot of the same people you know and and we both smoke power both in taxes were both. You know, and this will have and and I love him and I I really like or who were- and I was like this will be for it it'll be great I'll, be great part of my thing in Austin, so I meet Matthew Mcconaughey. I had a cherry of it, but in in this scenario I have imagined him saying you're RON White, my favorite comedian, ever I gotta huh, going off in my back. With a couple of girls, and I got these great fuckin' joints and will go over there and smoke pot, drink, tequila and Baptist who girl, butt What happened was he went out this to me in any way undermined the next person, and it was a long pause there. Where I should have said. I love your work, but I didn't because I already
planned out that he was supposed to say the Amegy love Maine's, so I just left a long pause there and then and when it was all over with I should I didn't tell him, I love him. I'm gonna tell him. I said I told him I loved it, but I didn't someone planning so anyway back to the big story. So this guy fine, just a pig rescue, an decides he wants to do a documentary about it. Well, he calls J draws right hand, girl, right, girl, right, woman, brilliant girl that runs things four J and I remember, name 'cause, I'm an idiot. I've met her two times, but uh an and says I'd like to do a documentary on this. This thanks, so she tells Jaden. He goes only alright. Yes, he calls CBS and I don't even know I should be telling a story.
Yeah- and they say FUCK Yeah- will do anything he wants to do is just got his name on it right here right here. Movie coming out was Cate. Blanchett is composed to win everything. There is and Aizen amazing guy and just an artist doesn't care and thinking about anything but art that matter take sixteen years to make this guy's amazing I've been at so Jay. Has this idea of us do and Judge Roy Bean with me is judge, Roy Bean would do in a comedy an or we were not even zeroed in on what. But we like me doing that character of preacher, hangman, bartender right so
uh, and I would like to play the role and I wouldn't mind finding a tv show to settle into at my age. You know for awhile, you know if I could do it, but it's going to be the right thing with the right people right or I won't do it and uh so CBS says yeah we'll do it. You know the fact that will do it in so they're gonna make they're going to have a meeting and so J calls me. He goes we talk to about this. George judge were being thick, so I live in Austin right, so I'm right, twenty seven miles from Bastrop, and- and so I go out there for the meeting- is in this little restaurant on the river and and and they talk about that for a little while, and then we talk a little bit about Judge Roy Bean and then it's time to go to the pig rescue
Well, I don't have to go to the pig rescue, but now I'm big, you know I really want him to track this film 'cause. I know if he does it'll be made a film. You know, it'll be it'll, be a big thing if he does it. So I go two hundred and fifty pics well kept and well fed fence stand in pain. They actually there's a feral pig problem in that part of Texas and they have these cameras that are predator cameras and they footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence. Looking at these pigs going how'd y'all get in here, real where he lay in the mud and they bring you food. We don't even know we don't know how we got here, we're just in. And and there there anywhere from they had some rescues that were little bitty to seven hundred and fifty pounds all of them sold in the same premise that these are
miniature pigs and seven hundred and fifty pounds, seven hundred and fifty two of these people that are selling miniature pigs, at least we're doing that yeah Alex removed about three up you think I've given he bought three and turn them loose in the wild in the turn into paper going to do well, he lived up in uh up in the whatever the high mountains he's part of the problem right part of the problem is part of the problem. Here you go so there we go, I'm walking around it's all. It's all it! It's well done in this guy seems really reasonable right and a it is also an executive for a construction company, a big construction company- and this is his passion and and then is all right. This is the part it's also a week yeah yeah I didn't say this part of it I under and pig. So and I end up like
the pigs, you know they're nice. If you scratch him, they have arthritis in the big ones. I can hardly get around and but his base it's a you gotta say these pigs operation and I'm like the well the now the car need a guy that would you know probably his chair and heroes. If you want, you retire. You know, because I asked the guy I said: what's the. Where do they go from here, and it goes so so we do some wanna do some more. They get turned to bacon they nowadays, that's it. They live there until they die. Wow is the way things are weird because they're almost done left part so we're in the house talking about ship and
uh and I've had enough of it, and I've got a joint in my pocket and I really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fucking fun. You know just scratch on the is also new shouldn't the temperature at am, and so they this big comes out the back wheel and then they go to Whitney Cummings. So she sleeping during picture in the Malibu fires she doc is it a very heavily on her instagram yeah show today I a big I saw it in person. That's Whitney Cummings pigs. So then, like a couple nights later, I'm the store and when you come Cummings is there and I go. Oh.
Yeah. Well, you see this. She drove that Fuckin' picked Waycross like two days of driving, she's insane drove a pig and a car for two days to a pig sanctuary. That is ridiculous. That is a hilarious, dude, Whitney Cummings PIG, that's hilarious, crazy, hear more the store, but I gotta piss, so bad, I'm gonna pee, my pants podcast in a row. Talk to this guy I'll be right back. We can just the thing off for awhile. We could just cut it off yeah and it no! No! No! No! No! I don't. I don't want to end it because it's five yeah yeah, we'll wait. I got Do I got nowhere to be sorry, I saw Tony last night good time there yeah yeah yeah. It was uh gas. I
and uh with friends that night and in my and then came out, came did that set, and it was it's just a great idea for a show to kill Tony show. If you have there's a download that podcast It's a hoot, it's so much fun to do it, so they have a live audience sounds academy, store and it's a great premise, and I won't bore you with all the details, but so you can just tune in and if you check the video, it probably is up on you too Daria, it's a big. It's not it's not Joe Show, but it's a big benefits such a denser, the Banja step by step blue collar comedy guys. Whatever they were so funny Jeremiah doing. Sure the was was It really it Jeremiah just makes me laugh so hard everything he does just kills me and he'll, be, you know,
and hopefully, in my old age, will be giving me mercy work because I tell him how good he is. He has his own podcast to Jeremiah wonders where he does. He doesn't voices Does he have gas 'cause? He does have gas. You should probably talk about it. I don't know that. I didn't know that you weren't on it. I don't want to say it that way, but you know never been on it. The I was wondering why Bill Burr didn't have me on his show, in effect that he didn't have anybody who shows them all by himself. Some people a lot of comedian crystallia. Does it all by himself to oh really, he said like one guest on, I think, just brother for a special, but he's done one hundred and thirty or so all by himself. It's a lot! If you could do one prime, it's up to you know when I could. I could work because or not I've got a I've how to save up thoughts for eight months. To do
Rogan show. I saw loyal to the show Taylor well about us. That's the old picture Mitsubishi or is there any second here here here when how yeah she was very odd? She was one of the most important figures in the history of comedy. One of support for use in my life for sure that lady mentored me all of us I mean all of us, because that's the only reason the store exists, because the inmates run the asylum right she's, the only person, they understood it really mental hospital. There's, that's the actual original picture over. How great is that it's fucking amazing she's, like Betty White, ever see those JD pictures of Betty White, which is like
Anyone here, though, from let's make you is so crazy and wild, like that's alright, that she's got her nipples in that picture. Right, she's, friend rose who's, Taylor's girlfriend put a post on her when she died. I couldn't repost it Like for any other woman, I met my table to repost it, but she said, like I forget what she called or something about something. That's called like the greatest boss, bitchin' history, like I can't. I can't say that I like it, but I can't repo right. You know just didn't you just say it yeah, but I mean I can't say I can't put it on my instagram. You know I'm just repeating what she said. Ok, but it was just to me. It was hilarious and accurate woman can say shit like that. But a lady like current, doesn't look bad a man calls or a boss pitch like hey, how some respect
it's fucking, Mitzi Shore, but yeah. So Taylor, painting for me and hangs over the studio watches over us. You know I genuinely don't think I ever met now know his great conversations with her. Actually, when I came in that first time, you know I was just in and out and I had no idea what was going on and and then I really didn't come back to us. I did a show in Newport Beach. It's a laugh, stop out there and just got this horrific Lee horrible review that tell a story. Last time I was on was so bad how bad yeah! is a picture of Maine. I don't even stand with stand up for about three one slash two years and so then the guy that book that room watch me do it like a eight minutes set Austin, and I had a killer eight minutes, but he hired me to do forty five minutes and
and so they go out there and and I'm nervous anyway right 'cause. It's that's a big club and the two guys before for Maine were Seinfeld in Slaton, so right. So they then RON White's three and a half year old, booger eaten more and in, and uh so at this point I don't realize how bad I am 'cause I haven't, read it yet and so, before I'm nervous and they got to go, the nest doesn't stir and sand and he writes the comedy review news for the Orange County edition of the Latimes, which is about six million people and uh. I oh well give me a day or two to settle in, and so so I do the set, and it's not great.
And it's a, but it's not bad. You know, I think I pulled it off. You know they laughed at it. You know they laugh at what I'd put together and whatever it was, and- and I expect him to be there to congratulate me on the on how good the That was and shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview. So, but he wasn't there and I'm like. Oh ok, well that next night there's like a little open mic night before me, so there's uh in one of the guys. I know Steve apps from taxes on that and then that night I fucking kill and I'm
really drunk, and you know and I'm giving advice to other comedians. You know about because I mean my ego is just flair and I'm like I'm, probably going to leave my wife and go find that girl and let the Coty beer poster and there you know it's amazing and people are pat me on the back on here man. You are really really good at all his amazing yeah so am with the Marriott Suites Hotel in the bay which is nice, hotel have ever stayed in an you had to pay for part of it yourself and but that was all I had ever. I was making and I did made their made, that much money before it was like fourteen or fifteen hundred dollars and and for a week and and so it's a it's a it's unbelievably beautiful with a gorgeous phone bathroom. You know to bathroom big marble everything big nice stuff and
go back after that with the down the review comes out the next morning, and I got this massive hangover, I'm just so sick, drunk waking up going out. Jesus Christ analysis, I blink my eyes and start going the review, the glorious review. There were It's gonna be telling my praises to the masses all over the this area of southern California, probably the beginning to my future in this, and the probably was going to happen so it turned out. I bought a bag of popcorn when I was drunk and I have followed that bag that popcorn true
mail from my bed out the door down the hall into the elevator, the elevator I got on had popcorn on it, so it was the same when I came up and I was just drunk staggering around the popcorn back and I follow that this place is just right down the block from the from the club and when I go to when I'm the club, our I hang out. The club a lot you know that that is that those are the people I know anyway has been my friend for ever so and they're still, my friends, you know I love the so these are people who work here. So I walk in the and one of the girls at work, there look at me and she goes don't read it and I'm like what I don't read it right. It's not true. It isn't true and uh. It's a hatchet job and, like there's a point, a hatchet job so
Unlike now give it to me I I can, I can read it got you know how bad could it be? So there's a big picture me, the spec six million people, this big, it was the article was this big, it was a quarter, a pack and it said in big black print. Even when whites not blue, he's not funny, and I dropped a newspaper on the floor. I couldn't hold up a one ounce newspaper, because life is sucked out and I also agree with them and felt I had just been found out as a phony and I was a phony. I didn't belong here at all and, and I picked it up and read it and
said watching whites forty one minute show, so they were nice enough to point out. I didn't I just had to add to scrape a crawl to get to forty one much less than forty five had agreed to. They pointed that out with was like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage and something comical or interesting happening. Only occasionally now here's why I'm? I can quote that all these twenty nine years later, I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bot
tequila and a pack, a razor blades, true story. I go back up to my Marriott suites on the bay and said there does big dash Abd is drinking. This tequila read it over and over and over and over, and I got a big bag. We never smoking pot and I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show, because who would come to a show right with the review like that and and then I'm thinking well, they're probably have to pay me for the shows I did even you know, even though I wouldn't able to finish the week right, so I I just I just assume I'm fire. I genuinely believe that in my heart that apart and so I will. I wake up from this stupor and I gotta drool stain on this fucking article and a half a joint and uh.
I mean it's dismal, schitt right. It's dark dark time. And I walked down there. The show sold out both of Mars Comedy and Fuckin'. One thousand nine hundred and ninety eighty, nine or nine or whatever it was, and you know all the clubs were sold out. Nobody gave a funk about that fucking review. And uh they give a shared, and then I went onstage because I was still a wreck, though I'm drunk, I just woke up, I'm not very good Anyway, I have no confidence whatsoever. I totally agree that I suck and I'm not worth a God dam thing and I go up you have the worst set of ever had a sold out house, and it was just so That is sucked, it was a horrible and, and then together book to me calls the club and they go. He goes.
Yeah because he read the articling goes, that's got to be a gut punch, I mean it was a long. There was other in it too, and then it was good and so then that eight they they get me on the phone with him and they because they asked them. They said we just want to see if he's, okay and they're like oh, no he's not okay. He's not okay at all. I like I really now. I'm now call my wife and I just wanted to talk to you 'cause. I love you so much. I'm thinking about this ocotea beer poster anymore. I just called her. I just love you. I want to be together forever and she's, like kind of standoffish like like she could tell bad review so that That kind of scared me away from LA for a while I realized then that they were right and I should have been slapped in the face that I wasn't good enough to be on this stage. I was not. And that guy actually apologized to me one time cuz I've was showing later in life and, like that to you were totally right. You were completely right. I should have been slapped in.
I can fax three years in your just getting away yeah. I had no business there yeah and in so you know it it. It all worked out the you know the best way. Possibly could but it also included a couple of in the fucking face going you, your I think those are important, really do it, that in the moment, those feel bad, but every big leap. I've It is a comics after I bombed every big leap for real. Like the you know, someone telling me they had a bad time. I shall I just felt like you were off like fuck that fee. NG, makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right. That's where, where comes from, makes. You know you realize the urgency to this thing and then, over the years, part of the fear of bombing. What makes you work so hard on new ship far to the fear, it makes me do so. Many sets out to two podcasts and night and then I'll do four shows right I'll go.
The store I'll do two at the show's store I'll do one or two at the improv even go to the ice house with a ha ha I'll around. All these are all diseases, I'm not as good as Joe Rogan, her hair. I get scared bon way. I get scared, that is to say you know I do too, and I you know I I I I well. I can't I can't tell you it had sixty two. I do all those sets, but I do I do, will go out and do sales a lot of sense and a lot of guys that are kind of in my you know in my age group really do don't come out and do such that much. But I come out and do says Anna hang out here ageless and we don't think of you. You know He said that one time in the backroom you like I'm older than you guys, and we don't give a fuck that doesn't mean anything this This thing is about comedy: it doesn't matter if you're lesbian, if you
Trans, if you're from Philadelphia or the Philippines, no one gives a fuck. Are you funny and if you're funny? That's all we care about, we don't care. If you're, ninety or nineteen I mean I've, never had one hour of national can hop ski is what is she twenty two or some? She might be too right, she's one of my best friends. I love that girl God, damn hilarious, she's kid. We talk all the time we talked about comedy we. I have Hershey host my sense of the improv all the time. Nobody cares. Here's what your age they care about, comedy, DOM Irrera the same same way. You know nobody. The dollar rares Odom RARE is older than us. No, it's Dahmer is a God. Damn comic he's a monster This is a very, very unusual group of humans. He really think about the people that we know. You know. If you looked at the entire population of the planet, there's eight billion people or seven and a half zebra.
Seven slash, two, some crazy shit How many of those are comics. Is it? Is it one thousand couple value in the real ones? How many of them are headline? How many of them can do a solid hour? How many I filmed special, how many of them have specials Jesus where RON white- you and I are in weird waters, there's only like really really any of us, maybe twenty, maybe twenty of us yeah. If that yeah we don't give a fuckery old. You are dude, you better! Stick around! I'm fine dude! I am drunk in the middle of the afternoon. When I go out now, we've got work to do. Thanks to you. I had a friend of mine when I was my daughter had that event in Vegas, and I went down to see that like going to see a comic, I go, don't go, see RON white. Of course, I'm going to watch. Am I going
the chance. What am I do is set my wife and watch Fuckin' to catch a predator or someshit credit note several ways down there. This is whatever they're watching television or something I'm gonna go downstairs watch run while I'm at the Meraj. You know I still love it still watching it still love it. Tuesday it and it's you know it's really uh. It's such a hi bad. I get into it with the guy, the seller in New York and there all like this is the most significant comedy club in America and I'm like it's. The most significant hundred cedar yeah did that place is more significant than the store is hilarious. Yeah. That's so sad! but it's still fun- and I love it. It's great. It's great. It's all good silly right now, yeah that'd, be ridiculous.
It said that we got near second place by a large margin right two months on Dave. Chapelle is up at the store all the time. Chris Rock comes by Louis C K, I'm sure I'll be back right. It's a fucking crazy place, but your there'd Ilyas there Brian count there Joey Dee is there it's counted one night there were. I think it was eight people in the show that makes at least fifty one thousand, every time they open their mouth and theater in one fucking show for fourteen dollars and come to the crazy store, crazy and watch a show. You know it's not an if you come like on a weekend- it's not as quite as strong, because a lot of the guys are out again. Girls are got. Doing set so yeah, but Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday put the best size. They had said that you know there's nothing like it, because we all have to do what we're doing and we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it,
one night: the lineup was Tom, Segura Bill, Burr, Bert Kreischer Ali Wong me Joe, does Crystal Lee Papa E and it was fucking crazy. It's crazy! It's crazy! By time you get to the end of the line up here like the home, kid like what the fuck look at this lineup is lineups and saying it is. It is and it's also, what makes it so fucking fun for me and why it's you know you know a guy in Beverly Hills and I live two miles away and and and that's It gets me off the couch to go to go, live my life and blow the horn and battery that please the a battery were doing auto shows the improv, though I'm doing two this week at the two last week. I'm doing all time. Would I talk to them about him like how I just bring some of my friends over 'cause like
I'll do show like, like Santino, will do a set at the Improv Dental shoot over the store and do his set I'll. Do it eight hundred o'clock, Shell store, doesn't open till later on weeknights easy, so we've been doing a lot of shows down there to the improves are gray club manage is the line, This is weird. The way it was set up was weird, there's a lot of weird shit going on. So if you could just get the top notch people and I was talking to them. I'm, like click, were right over there looking we could walk here, it's a mile away, but you know it's a mile away from the store to the input, love the improv. But you know if you want to smoke a joint and probably stand on Melrose in traffic and smoking weed and that ain't cool and they're trying to change that. I believe they're going to change that. I believe they're looking at that yeah I'm trying to make that gather, build that area. On top of me a little balcony out on the roof of the part of it and yeah and yeah, and I hope they do it and if they do it'll make a difference, it will make a big difference. Yeah. Well the hangs, not good there it's hard and when you
waiting on stage you're, essentially in this way, that's why bed frame was going wrong just hand over their language. Language Mitzi shore was literally, like you guys, sorting out everybody sorted out sort it out. She didn't give a fuck man, she understood everybody say let the lunatics run the asylum yeah and they did I'll. Never forget the day she passed me ever in my life, you're really funny all right pay. Regular now looks like Holyshit now explain to people would have paid regular is, is I don't know? Well, you made that you got the stamp of approval. You might actually have a career like I wasn't sure if I was going to have a career in comedy which hilarious is. I was on the sitcom at the time I was out, do a television show for Fox. I had done that. Show time already done. I'd headline a lot of clubs all over the country- probably
it surely I'd really only been doing stand up for six years, but you know I had maybe a good ten fifteen minutes. I could. I could actually do a real, solid half hour. If I had to but fifteen minutes I could really kill with, and to be able to do a set in front of her and she goes Europe paid Regular was like I'm a fucking comedian, I'm uh you've been Given the nod, I thought it was afraid man that was a fraud, even when I was saying it even when she said I was like damn. I tricked her I tricked, people in the audience. I tricked her that I felt a tractor traktor Psychatric everybody, but everybody tricks everybody in the beginning after the beginning is the beginning to start one, but it's good that you didn't hard hits their eating. Get on stage is critical if you can't accept the fact that its price-
You can't want to everything to happen right away and the only ok for you to be really sure that it's not happening yet is to bomb right. Yeah, I'm just no other, nothing other, nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong like eating shit on stage right and you kind of learn, uh. A lot from it every as you go. You know it in that. You know you don't really mess around that much with comedies being you, you don't want to play football. Stadium or whatever I was the biggest place you've ever performed at Well, the blue collar comedy tour. We hold the the the record where the predators play hockey and NASH when coming at twenty thousand and and and and Elton John held the record before we broke it and the reason we broke it is. We were in a center stage in the middle and there's only four of us doing stand up so it'll there's. Nobody will ever have a smaller stage, while for
That'll show there right right. How could they- and that was right before we filmed blue collar twelve done Josh Wolf showed me a picture when you opened up for Larry the cable guy, you will open up in some football Reno he's on stage He takes it like a selfie out. Looking at the audience is the craziest thing. You've ever seen your life see if you can find it Josh Wolff, uh open up for Larry, the cable guy selfie. It's I don't, even if you put it online, he showed it to me on his phone. It's fun. Bananas. There's fifty thousand people there you know fifty thousand yeah who's days, crazy, crazy, crazy numbers and same number like and didn't even talk about it. You know there's a lot of people who are hating on him. He couldn't be a nicer guy. He's awesome. Oh great pace, rhythm and timing, one liner guess you know an as good as it gets. I've seen him just beat crowds to death, funny and gifted and also is done it. You know totally paid his
one hundred percent, I met him in ninety two? I think you've done him longer now holy shit. Look at that fucking crap right! I haven't played this place. Look at that I think that's going to be yeah. That's gotta be Nebraska right, so right, everybody's moving around it's going to be a memorial stadium in Lincoln NE is one of the most crowds of ever seen in my life, but it makes sense it a great fucking timing, men and I met him like I said it in ninety two. I think at the comedy were in Montreal, so when Jimbo used to run the joint, and he was a great guy man back then even back then he was, I think he was, so a radio personality in Florida at time it was just and then the cable guy was a character did in that in that he would bring into a show for one joke and and and- and I think I just took over crazy and people know- like he's Dan whitney- it's like a regular per
right, regular, comma, but he's trapped right. He is Larry. The cable trapped in a place like to be trapped right, well, yeah, yeah, making thirty million dollars a year, but it's like this marvelous, MRS Meisel thing, except is that he actually is. It means that you don't have to wear a fat suit or anything crazy, but his dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from Nebraska wow and does is a a great auctioneer will push for it. I only write your lawyer is sold a little Danny Whitney from across the street, a preacher in a pig farmer speaking of pigs in the big just keep coming back. Yeah who's, gonna save the big o thing. Is you can't save the pigs? You gotta kill some of them. You got it. You know what I think through the ultimate conundrum because like, it would be nice if we could have like some sort of harmony with nature with pigs, but that's not possible
they're wild they're fucking up farm to having twenty three litters a year with six to eight little piglet, they're just running rampant there there's become viable. I think correct me. If I'm wrong, I think a female pigs become viable and yet pregnant after four months by much you're exactly right. That's why they make these little bitty pepes and they had these little bitty page two and they're the cutest things they're adorable can pick one up and they're like they squeal. Like a pig. I mean it literally. I picked one up and they made a noise like. I was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear and I'm like ok, alright, well, they're they're, smart. They get scared, they're smart, It's it's a crazy thing because, like you want to love them, but then, if they're, taken over your neighborhood. You want to fucking, shoot him and kill him and their delish. And so if that's that's their problems there right, that's the whole problem delicious. You know how they got into California,
William Randolph Hearst, oh yeah, that crazy asshole. He used to bring him and he would populate his forest outside of his home with wild pigs in wild boars Rushmore, then go out and shoot them like. So if you go to like to pee or any of these areas that have wild pigs or you go to certain areas like tored, the middle of near Bakersfield, there's wild pig out there yeah, that's all William Randolph Hearst Wild pigs thanks bill, yeah that crazy asshole, he let pigs loose in cow for their everywhere. Big Sur, like hunters, used to hunt wild Boar, big sur with a fucking machine gun, those or William Randolph Hearst Wild pigs that had populated by the way, I'm not close, all the way up the coast, all the way up to San Jose. There was a fuckin' news story from San Jose where they were knocking over people's trash cans and he's like a huge tech community hundred pound pigs after mowing mowing people
most other me. Wild ones aren't that big to wild was a like a big while once like three hundred pounds, the with the big room, really big ones, the ones with domestic Georgia there. So what happens there though they're domesticated, then people? Let him go see that we look at, is on the computer. Don't suck up my fucking story. Truth! No! No! I know about this huge. One thing I do know about is farro. Six of study them pretty pretty closely. Why? Because I'm friends with a lot of people in are professional hunters and I wanted to know how the fuck they got so big like there's a video of there's a photo rather one, they called Hogzilla. That was from Georgia, it's uh. King enormous pig, but it looked away. Look that for King Kong, Hog from Russia, makes Hogzilla look like a baby, see I'm not buying that What is the word that guy look at the guys head see that guys, head guys a mile away where the fuck is that guy, that guy could be
On top of that thing, that looks like a german shep. How much does it weigh? We have no idea. This is a photograph hold on. Let me see that tusks again. Let me see the tusks it's a big pig, but it doesn't have to be that big that we have three hundred four hundred pound big, it doesn't even say: did they weigh it? One thousand one hundred and seventy nine plus a big aspect is who says who says these guys with the scales it would put websites is I've got scales webs website. Is this open spaces? Well, that's not all the shoulder yeah. First, five at five and a half feet at the shoulder of PIG Christ. I can't see a picture. He brought two hundred of these, not specifically that one, but it was a russian boar he brought in from Russia and they ended up breeding with local feral pigs and they got big yeah. Well, here's the thing about boars, and pigs and all that jazz. It all comes from the same genus. It's all from something called sue. Scrofa Seuss craft
is all pigs, what's crazy about that is like when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and chat when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods they turn feral and their face changes. Their face gets longer. They grow tusks, their hair get thicker this one. It says the shoulder height is that how high the shoulder? around five and a half five is tries that so big, that's all I'm three inches shorter or taller than that five and a half feet. That's insane! Does this tall on me so me standing up, okay, five! It look! This watch, this hero here's the pig shoulder right there, let's up big asses big, which is right. That's on right, like right. There were three inches like right here, that's fucking insane! It's a pig that high that's insane! That's a elk! Hugs Hogzilla was a shoulder height of three feet. That's almost double is not very old old man. Five one slash two feet: Tall let's so big, but it was uh,
isn't thousand pounds that makes sense is a good elk is like one hundred pound right now, yeah a longhorn far behind it You know why I pulled it. Hunters trick hurts Hunter his hands around his back here. I don't see his hands. You see his hands on seasonal anymore. As me, look at it it's guys in one thousand hundred seconds code that guys hiding is way behind the thing you're supposed to be right next to it, and if that is a deceptive photo, when you take a photo, like that. That is you doing that on purpose. What you're supposed to do? Is you put your gun or your rifle or your or your bow and arrow lean it on the animal. You stand next to it, so that people that know how difficult today's people, you trophy one hundred now you trying to kill a smart, mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest, population, that's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle. This is it's already spread its jeans and hunt.
Is respect. When someone shoots a mature, older animal, that's a for sure it looks good right. I'm hungry doesn't not that good to eat. Unless you really know what the fuck you're doing like you gotta, be. You gotta slow cook, that mother fucker that one you want to do low. You want to probably you know, Brian, that bich get a big old vat of water with Brown, sugar and garlic and let soap for awhile. This article is sort of saying it could be bullshit I'm telling guys far away. You got to listen to me bad guy! That's that far away. What do you say in russian Bro that guy is near the bumper that supported, Carlia, better pigs eyes, looking where his shoulders are, they line up almost with the proper, definitely looks tiny he's way behind that pig which element in relation to the size of the car. Exactly like one slash, three grader exactly it doesn't make sense. This guy is hiding he's
hiding behind that pig. If you wanted people to know the actual perspective, you'd like it big, if he had a rifle leaning up against that pig in the rifle look, tiny you'd be like Holy shared as a giant pig, but there's nothing that photo. That represents an actual perspective. You have to be standing but he's hiding easy he was sold to. You can see that in a five one, slash two foot tall pig well that pick six one laying down in this picture yeah and then a ship. Yes, I was on his knees is the only evidence they have one. That means that they are all we have in the house, and the abbey could be real too the world's a thousand pounds even bigger than this big yeah, that's stupid! That's what people do men. People take pictures of animals, they hide what it's a it's in. The hunting world called grip and grin. Take a photo hold it dear and you like pushing way out people do that with fish to like you kind, a big bass, I think that big bass, you put it way in front of you, looks gigantic, but if you take that big bastard, ok, look at my big bass right, that's a confident person.
Versus got that best behind him. Make sure that mother Fucker do you know that is wrong. Bigger wrong! Keep guessing, doesn't matter this guys, a liar the kind with hold it out in front of him. He showboat and not buying showboating, that fucking pigs three hundred pounds, that's a baby pig! That's why wouldn't go Rogan are against it. Whitney Cummings pigs others and sisters got lose the shot so I saw her right after that. I thought I told you that, like you're not going to believe this ship Twitty have pictures of your pay. Yeah just to her on the phone and she just flipped the fuck out yeah. She that lady loves animals for real she's who got bless her fiance he's in for uh and run of animal husbandry, friend's wife if she sees an animal, that's dead and it's winter, Subaru she'll put it in her freezer. Oh God,.
Wait for the thought and then bury it and wait for the ground to thaw and then dig a hole and bury she's instead steep Whitney. When do that, no sticks to the next level. This lady, yeah that's taking it to the next level you gotta accept. This is cycle of life. You don't have to like just leave it outside for something to eat. Yeah! That's what you're supposed to do! What I do well There's a reason for that: those animals they need to stay alive to the animals that eat dead animals. They need to stay alive to this whole cycle, but not just vultures rats You know, there's a lot of carry a lot of other stuff. That scavengers thing is this yogas Drucker and Rucker, I grow Meyer, lemons at my place, and so I look at the lemons and something is eating the rind off the lemon and left the lemon hanging on the tree perfect in perfect condition, and I'm like well that's odd
and then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground and and then there's two more lemon pods on the tree. Perfect lemons know right. Well what the fuc is it this is yesterday. This is how its aspect yesterday, this in memory from the past, which I have almost done- uh but yes, and so we looked it up and it's it's all the roof rat and they love edit. They love specifically. Meyer lemons, which is what these were and they love the ride, but they don't like the sourness of the of the fruit, so they just eat the they just eat the rind leave the fruit hanging on the tree and it's it was just baffling really when I first saw right that they do the exact opposite with oranges right, and we also have blood oranges and so
put a little hole in the meat all the fruit out of ITALY. The husk hang on the tree was out on the inside. Unlike Jesus, Christ walked in, dicks. So now, when I eat an orange or lime or whatever and like throw the ride out, there save the fucking fruit, you know, I really don't lie, don't like to kill anything, I don't have a Peachtree. I maybe eighty three peach is the whole time I've been living in this fucking house, I believe in that house it's two thousand and three these got damn squirrels eat peach is right. They eat everything. Peach ever grown. Look at that these are rats. Well, you will that's what's left they dug a hole in that I literally never get to eat. Peach is all these things going on in my house right now, I'm going to leave room for the called roof rat, where is Coyote, have I have no more chickens All my chickens in one fell swoop. You ready for this. They killed the last can chickens. I had a tree.
For two hundred. Am them because my chicken coop burnt to the ground We had to get a smaller coupe blaming that on the couch, no chickens escaped and we save the chickens, and we got them to this other coop after the fire. And it was in his reinforced as the original coop, the original coop. I had hired a guy who's, a carpenter to build me and I scoop he did a great job coyotes is on the roof one night chewing at it, and I had a fucking. I had a death perch set up on my porch. I had my whole, there. I had arrows range finder. I even have even laid bait out in my yard waiting for these countries. I was ready. I was going full Rambo, but I lost my patience and I'm a busy man. I got a lot of things to do so. I abandoned the project in what year were keeping watch fire burnt, my fucking chicken coop down to the ground when we put these chickens in another coop in these coyotes tour that coop part.
And they did it when we weren't home and we came home as just feathers, they're all gone, all nine of them You know part of me admires them, Now part of me is like these little wolves are surviving in the suburbs trying to figure this shit out right now, man. They wanted me to break into this thing or die. My wife is getting uncomfortable because you're basically making your house at target. You know they're on the roof right next to the house. Little small predators or chewing at the roof of the chicken coop before the fire happened, and it was that was when I decided to go to war. I didn't fully committed to war 'cause, I didn't get it. I was going to get a subsonic twenty two. That's the way to go. 'cause it you're here subsonic twenty two, it sounds like says: PAK Pak doesn't sound like anything but it's lethal. I had a coyote, but I don't think it's, legal inside city limits. I don't even It should be saying that I wanted to shoot it with a rifle. It's probably like a like a criminal,
intent idea, but I never really considered it and I definitely never bought one. But I was ready to fuck one up with a bow and arrow. But now it's over they got they won. They figured it out the fire open the door and they come after the fire was there were real sketchy real loud and because they were trying to figure out what the fuck is going on because, like all the brush was gone to probably the rabbits were missing the rack. Of course there were yeah we're going to the gym Yeah, it was uh, it's weird, it came, you know, came home, she just feathers everywhere, man, just feathers like just like someone just slice. A few pillows and just shook him all over the yard. Like fuc, you know we should look back and try to figure out what we should have closed with that's a good.
We got a show tonight. Ron white will be with me. They all shows are sold out. All going well show is sold out this weekend, I'm at Austin CAP City Comedy club that sold the fuck out too, with George Perez, who is God hello areas in Anderson. Tino was a one word answer there, Friday and Saturday right now. Ten minutes and I rubbed my place, is under construction and we do in my house on White intercontinental man of mystery travels all over the globe homes and many mysterious locations, don't no place in Atlanta too, yeah. I saw that and bought the place and uh often I like it. To move the like where you like to go to my favorite spots Atlanta in Austin, right too much you can ease into it would never find stance. I could live in either or get connected to the music vibe in Austin, yeah and and figure out real quick who you really love to see and sure sure. Like I like Atlanta too, and I love both of them all right RON.
Right, you're, bad, mother, fucker. It's in order to value friend appreciate You dearly back as you're back at your table. That's it fuckers see you soon. More show tomorrow, night night termite. Thank you. Everyone for tuning into the show show thank you to athletic greens. Get your whole health together. Folks with athletic greens. Go to Greens, dot com, Slash Rogan and they're, going to hook you up with twenty free travel packs, valued at Seventy nine dollars with your first purchase. I take these little travel everywhere. I go super healthy, very good for you and one scoop as the anti oxidant equivalent of twelve servings of fruits and vegetables thank you also to mother, put
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Transcript generated on 2019-10-24.