Jim Jefferies is an Australian stand-up comedian, actor and writer. He currently stars in the show "Legit" airing on FXX.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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you go to any of those very sing, a items any of the various things that we sell. There's a lot of science behind all of this stuff. There's a research button. You click on it, find all the research that's behind on its supplements, whether it's alpha brain, which we've we run our own clinical trial results and those are also posted online. They were able to double blind Toshiba trial on the efficacy of alpha brain and it got positive and we're in the middle of a second trial now, which is much larger and much more extensive. I should also point The trial, the positive results were exactly half of the dose that I take its two pills I take for these which is crazy summer renegade? I can't be talked with. Is this Girthier Charro going to be more bigger dose, no, it's not know the two pill dose is the recommended dose did help
thinking you may see. It helps your memory and helps clinically proven so far. So we think that memory, though I never know where the money's going, because I've forgotten the things that I can't remember, that strong link. I remember everything, but obviously I don't know what a forgotten it's, whether or not you trying to pull it up I'll give you some offer bring your bring your own Jim Jefferies clinical trial. Rogan dock go into art, dot, com, musical Rogan, save ten percent Onnit Ford Rouge, and if you don't know how to spell my name, go fuck yourself, Jim Jeffries is here why fuck around and play games? Well, we could I'm scared to the podcast. You tell Logan experience join my day, Joe Rogan Podcast, my name Nick Diaz, that never leaves that will stay on you question about Elvis, because these are all mug shots. You got on your wall here and you've got an Elvis mugshot there. I
where T shirt off and with the Sinatra Mug shot at that one. I have a framed in my house as you go and what was done for the day. It was what is the word, but they don't treat not wasn't adultery. It was so what do who is shag his wife? Yes, he was shagging the guys wife, but the word that they use seduction. The that it says on the actual mug sheet that photo of Sinatra that mug shot Haley it's better than I've ever looked in any photo in my life, where professionals have taken it and they've taken one thousand photos and you still look like shit well, did you notice how little he was the mall shot photo? I think it says one hundred and twenty five pounds yeah one hundred and twenty five or one hundred and thirty, only a slot fella yeah, but also we even talk about Elvis we go in Elvis at the end he was fat that was just fat. He was like two hundred and twenty pounds, I'm like sitting at a cruise e two seven at the moment.
I go down for Argo down up to about two hundred and fifteen. I go down to about one hundred and ninety five and I go through their spectrum, my whole life, but LV. This was why today, these standards just day was alright yeah, that's what I look like now. You know that is a very and he was anywhere between two hundred and twenty and two hundred and thirty. But what was the only two hundred and twenty or two hundred and thirty? Well, you probably shorter than me: I'm six foot one. So a little bit of leeway he's probably about five hundred and ten Elvis yeah. How tall is five was Elvis got Tammy got fat that, but was it's like a year later yeah he was on his way out. He died in my sister's birthday, I'll, never forget, he died the year I was born. I always like the fact that I was alive when John Lennon and Elvis Presley were alive. Apparently the picture. Taken just for fun. All the other modules, so we never went to prison for now Elvis was a law enforcement nut in the picture was taken just for fun. It's according One site on the internet because
could have been when he went to visit the FBI and we visited Nixon I'll type of stuff because he was there, it was there visited Nixon for the Oregon's drugs yeah, it's hilarious against the Beatles. My own, these beetles are all doing drugs and uh. We gotta have that because we're going to stop at my, he was apparently arrested in the ninety 50s for speeding, yes, but the was before he made it well, when did he make it about one thousand nine hundred and fifty four fifty four have been around that era. Sun records on, well. That would be him. Then that was be like right as he made it. He was speeding early 20s his eighteen year old, Spain in the car we over those. I remember the first time I got caught. Speeding are sixteen and I I just Didn'T- have the money. So I thought, if I broke down in tears, the copper I don't know. I got no fucking farming in the worst thing is my brother
is a cop and and uh. He reported it to my brother and then my brother tease me in the near you check what are these do awful things as as a couple of my brother, my brother is a them name. Dining. You John, I think, that's a bad to say, he's a member, the raw score now and I got I was driving home and it's at seventeen, which is still not the legal age to drink in Australia and I'm driving home, and I had boobies now would have been under the limit, but still not even allowed there too busy, because I'm seventeen right, I get pulled up. I get breathalysed the guy is: please bring the tube, and I said my brother was a sergeant at that stage and I like you know, uh Danny Nugent, you know Danny Nugent is uh. You know is right. You guys now I never heard of him right. So you guys after his vehicle is there for, like fifteen, It's I'm just sitting in the car just panicking. He comes back out and he goes step out of the vehicle, or is there a problem anything over to step out of the vehicle right now so step out? He cops. Maine
smacks me under the bonnet of the car right now. I start are Jesus Christ up further for like this right and then I get my brother laughing on the radio like he's. Actually going back to his car radio. The station talk to my brother and he said to get his shit out of him. You know what I mean because it's cops in the guy. I was just joking with you like I'm wiping tears away from was like good job guys well done. Thank you. I, but you know I. I still have one more line of defense and this mom went Tell told my him gotta go. What does your mom do when, while my mom was still angry because it I shouldn't have been drinking to begin with and blah blah blah? I still got in trouble for that, but it's now he's like he's in what team so he's like the guy who you know if I can win helmets and swings in the machine gun top of Jesus Christ. Anything is this time, my pair,
since we're so like are your brothers, the cop was like the most upstanding job you could have in our family, and so my bro so it became a weapons training before he's gonna sweat same so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that. There was Meh a Christmas stand there and then my brother got year. We've been traveling over to America. We've learned some new holds from the american cops and uh. We But one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they can't like this and then my mom goes. Do it on Jim. Not only. I want you to fucking do. Why are you doing this to Maine? Then he comes up and grabs like I'd touch me just so you know he's resisting them, so you know he's resisting. Always end with me with my fucking head in the Chevy shag. Paul just got crying again your fucking mom and your mom sold you down the river. I would think that mom's, the last thing they would see want to see is one son, torturing, the other side, and I she because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian
My mother was very cane on using my oldest brother, as as the muscle when we got the big hold your oldest brother. Well, if I was seven years older than me, well that's a big gap and then another bill is five years older than me cheese and what you're funny and it took a lot of it- was meant to be a girl because I'm I'm really going to have it. I have a baby go, so she gave it one more guard and then, when I didn't come out of baby girl, she didn't rap, the blanket for the first four days after the first month. She never unwrap the blanket 'cause. You want to see my genitalia and she didn't hold me for the first four days. Well, she went this depression, I've having another boy and then she but really passionate about collecting porcelain dolls. So there for men living in a house in his house. It was just filled with fucking creepy dolls, remembering the others. When you put something on top of your tv that was sort of a joy like you go, go karting, you beat your brother and you had the first trophy. So for a week you put that on top of that, tv- because you know he would constantly be looking at wiggle his shit out of him. Those
is it gone right, but my mother would always have like a different porcelain, doll or maybe like I could put so in clown, juggling one of those little statuettes. Something something very upsetting would always be looking at you, while you're trying to enjoy a Betamax version of star wars. Where did you find out about that not being held? She she told me she tells me a lot of time that she always wanted to have a girl. So she don't even have a boys name ready to go like she It's just and you didn't have the ultrasound didn't want to know it wasn't going to fuck is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the gender so badly that they get upset, my mom, it's not like she's a super effeminate woman where she would have been like my like a good looking guy, but my parents would have made horrendous. Looking woman like it would have been just a chinless pile thing, just just with thin which be here, it wouldn't have been a good look and go boys. The best thing they could have hoped for with the fucking pissed that's been pissed
in my gene pool already from the different sides. I gotta go story about the women, don't see that I've got a great yeah, I the cost, and, and that is if you're, a woman and you're surrounded by men. I think you are you moving my mother three hundred pounds and she thought she I don't know with with the intention was to make a hot chick. I don't know if that was a. She was wanted to make a go, but I I I my story that I don't want to tell because in front of my girlfriend 'cause, it will upset, because I will make my life a bit hot and I want to tell it on on any tonight shows anything. It's over here. Just a zombie movie in Australia which isn't anything to do this story, but they always in Australia and so ministre in my parents drive the camera where we're at on the week to spend a day with beings fair enough until my parents in six months or something so I'm so in time with my mom and dad now back in the uh early 90s, my father was gay, closer to retirement, and then he found a credit card drugs. My mother took care of the money found out that run up now,
twenty thousand dollars worth of bills which made my dad had to work. An extra sort of it is possible time at the pay these all off and she kept all sacred. So now my parents, who after retirement they're in the house and they just get a pension of like australian government, gives each person like three hundred dollars a week, pension which is like two hundred and sixty American. So my parents live up that and then but my father takes care of all the money. He pays all the bills and he bounced books 'cause. My mom can't be trusted when it comes to shopping, and so I'm talking answer my mom goes. All I want is my half of the money, his after the money and then he can have his half of the money will split the bills and then I can do what I want with my money, but instead I'm given an allowance because I'm not responsible enough money. I said mommy can't take care of the money ma'am. You can't come you fuck it up. You'll go online. If you found internet shopping now, you'll fuck it up, you'll get rid of you'll lose everything, get more credit cards will be terrible and she goes
but the problem with money anymore. Your father is the one that spends all the money now we're in a public bar by the way. There's many people sitting around it's a very public, open area, your father's, the one who spends all the money now and then she points by tangos tell him Tell you what you spend your money on an already click, what this might be and I'm gone or not like that. I want to Know- and I want to know, and then mother goes, your father gets prostitutes and I've gone. Oh, oh it just shut up by the view police before my god. She's got every Wednesday your father before he goes to play long balls goes off and gets himself a prostitute, and then my dad went not every Wednesday, not every Wednesday Macy's out like at least three out of four, is the it is takes a week off every now and again like it, because the minister I money for very cheap, prostitute
but it's legal in Australia in a brothel, maybe one hundred dollars for a pretty low in sort of girl or Robin hi policy. He went to a place to get it done. He did it. No! No! No! It's not like here where you got to go to a hotel in October stuff. They they they just brothels in that every legal live very well signed posted and stuff. It's not it's not such a big deal in a right. It's actually makes it a bit so safer if anything, because the girls have to get tested after bring their results in all the time and they're playing typically makes it safer. It's like everything else. As soon as the government says, it can't be a legal when it's something that people really enjoy doing lowers does more substantially course does I'm sure it does. There's like nothing, I don't begrudge my bad. For doing this. I just want to hear about there in the 70s by mostly I base my dad still quite fit. Of course you want to gaze into why some times is in the way. There's a book called the sex at dawn by this guy Doctor Chris Ryan. I do a podcast with him once a month and he
it basically goes over in great detail like what is, the root cause of of so the reason why men want to breed with more than one woman. Why is why is marriage do so poorly? Why do so many people want to stray it's genetic? It's one hundred percent genetic! If you could Squ watch that with robot fuck dolls or prostitution is legal, like whatever you have that's non relationship based you going somewhere ruining anyone else. Is life you're just getting some sex? That's it only sex. What would our process so it's over in Australia. Are they thought of differently than prostitutes here like? Is it not that big of a deal not as big of a deal? They are thought of they're not like giving a load of respect or anything it's not like, like like in Germany in HOLLAND and stuff. It's really not a big deal, but now it it's still kept fairly? You know
the club. Is it cold things like the big one in Melbourne called the daily planet and it looks like it looks like the front of the daily planet from Superman with the big globe and everything that's in Melbourne. That's in Melbourne: that's where that's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel, which is what my tv show legit, which is on wednesdays and FXX. At one thousand pm. We need ratings it. That was whole basis on my tv show. I was taking it disable go to a brothel yeah wow this season. Incidentally, talk about my dad. My father will be played by George Lazenby, who was James for one movie, George Lazenby, why do I know that name? He was James Bond and know that Winona. It's actually there's a Paul Lazenby, who is a mixed, martial arts com
all right on site, so I'll join. All the George George is related to the the yeah I blaze and be is what got me also quite do I know that George is just George? Did one James Bond film was booked to do seven and then he told me to off out so after Sean Connery, because you ta this franchise isn't going to go on for too long it was 1970s like everyone along long long, hair and beards. No one wants to look like this fucking idiot from a bank, and he told the golf and he never was really in a movie again. You can't tell him to golf and they ask you to be James Bond. He was a male model, never acted before, really he just went straight into it. Like he's got. Some fucking stories met him, no
If you, if you pull up a picture of the guy, if you uh, if you George, Lazenby Georgia, license character, you like, like now he's mid 70s but like in these day, was the number on my own model on earth in, like one thousand nine hundred and sixty nine, the number one male model on earth anyways from the country, town, Australia, there you handsome bastard, beautiful genetic. It's got that one thousand nine hundred and seventy handsome things going on to pull that back up. That's like that would really fly today. You know like they had poor nutrition they're eating fucking. A shorter is like six foot for any sort of you know we got a like. You has a little bobble head motion going on in a big dimple in his chin. Yeah, but like look at his face is almost something about his face. Like pulled a picture up again. Well, it's like the good looks in the eighties with different. Molly Ringwald wouldn't pull the same picture up. Go back to that picture like
something about this guy and it I don't know if it's his style of hair, but that's not a guy from today. But you know what I mean like in twenty fourteen. Ok, who is how old is about three thousand seven hundred and thirty eight years old in this photo? If you seventy now, this is nineteen set, one thousand nine hundred and sixty nine, when that film was made so he's, probably twenty four or something like that yeah, but that's not possible back in the day. Everyone was smoking drinking and it was you looked a little bit more leathery. Put that picture back up. Look! Look at look at it like If you saw that photo and said where is this guy from like what time is this he would say like the 70s? What is that this like something about his fucking face like that's, not a guy that was born after you know, one thousand nine hundred and twenty, or something like that. You know to mean. Is that weird thing that they have like? He looks like a guy from this like Burt Reynolds in his prime? Why doesn't exist today? No, no,
we're all slightly changing is something that I think that we devices in the 80s were round. Oh, I think you're right basis. Yeah they were, they were the old that was deemed to be a good look, and we now show on the moon faced. Woman was faced with the Moonface woman in the eighties. Was a thing yeah? Is it a weight thing? It's a weight thing right. I don't know, but you guys know like the so that's a real issue for women to get so skinny that they lose the roundness of their face like they want to have like, like sculpted cheeks, it's a moon faced. Quarter, moon, what is he gonna do now that he's retired doing a lot of comedy? Apparently I'm doing a lot of shows at the comedy and magic club, because he should do every Sunday night he's to try out his monologue. I'm there actually, the 30th. I was just there, I'm doing probably like one or so every month, I'll probably do at the sun right, 'cause, he's on the road now he's just doing
Is he a good stand up? I assume you. Let me tell you something in one point time he thought of, and it's it's it's tough to judge, because you got gotta based on the fact that this one thousand nine hundred and seventy and everything from nineteen seventy doesn't hold up like a few George few movies set for him. There's a few movies but like television, shows, for example, try to watch television show from the 70s there very very dated so his comedy it's hard to date. It just like Lenny Bruce. I always see that he is the most important stand up ever, but I don't want to watch him. I want us to yeah right. I sit down and listen to the tapes and I try to stoop to alien a time. Not us. You know we we were to free, you know what he's saying is: is there on you can get lye from the ideas you can still enjoy. People prior you can watch yeah can. Is you can still watch things changed considerably, though I think in the the from the nineteen sixty three march, nineteen seventies, Cosby, yeah yeah, you can
so yeah he's a master. You know he's a really a master wordsmith, a master storyteller, but it's also he's. He was dealing might say that I at that stage at I got a wife and young kids is how it is in that stuff always sticks around yeah political guide, always dates very horrible. Yes, that's so true, or if you're talking about society and how this is fucked up, and that is fucked up that doesn't you know this it's interesting culturally to go back and listen to some shit where people were complaining about. You know like Lenny Bruce has some stuff he's complaining about politicians. It doesn't doesn't make you laugh, though, but anyway, hard to say. Look when you look at the stuff now because just seem so pedestrian, but I think that back in the nineteen seventies, Leno Leno was a mother. The reason I say this because all the comic set yeah yeah they all the all right- is well yeah yeah. They all the guys who knew him back then go. He was a bad mother. He was, he was a legit comic. He was really good. He was the guy in the club that everyone, when he's here he came down who's a hard worker,
but in somewhere along the line he style writing this kind of interesting like he would go to. He would do shows I can do the same. Show the next year go back to the same place next year. Verb. Eight hundred am every joke from beginning to the end, and like the people in the Edmonton Oilers in Edmonton, and they were telling me like what you see in me. He did another sad and I play some of this. I am not a. I'm originally from the United States in the United States people here tonight, pretty mention. I have a slight cold at apologize for that when I can I have my head is about two weeks once it hospital over here when the large hospitals in California. I don't want to say the name just shows you where health care is in this day. This is absolutely true. I went in man charged me. Forty dollars gave some pills to take and on the way out of the dark. My throat is still really so. Do you think I should have my tonsils out this man is a specialist and I'm showing the best hospitals in California says it may well, what do you think
local news before I tend to everybody told me imagine this is a moment before the broadcast as it as he ran that, but they don't know that I would and then the guy goes. What what do you think and then or Steve Martin, but that's the beginning of a bit? This was the beginning of a rant like what do I think mother Fucker is this year the new year you gotta go into the then will it would be a bit that would the bed it wouldn't be? It was a setup for a bit Steve, Martin,
still funny yeah. It was brilliant and that was this is from the same year. I bet you, it blows all that away. Well he's he was, he was very different. You know, Steve Martin was one of the most uniquely original, like on stage performance. I can't believe you brought, as are many say, I'm recording, yeah and not actual video such a visual act. True to go, I'm going to have an arrow on my head and put this onto a cassette. Well, that was one of what I was going to say about Jay Leno is Jay Leno, stop putting things out. He doesn't do anything, it doesn't do an HBO special won't. Do a Showtime special doesn't do anything. Have you know to right? There's no body of work. There's like one thing he did for Showtime like in the early 1980s and I used to have it on a vhs cassette. But after that now nothing and you know when they ask about, is like when I do that it gives me a church on. I gave him big yeah go my whole acting training new act. I know that makes give it to them and uh. This is going to make millions of dollars I is his attitude like his act was like
he's just real old school in that respect, like those guys they thought about. If they did HBO special, they didn't think. Oh, this is just going to get my comedy out to more people. They'll enjoy it. It will get more people come, see me no like I'm going to give him my msl my aunt, and then I can't do my act and if I can't do my act, I'm losing all that money that I can't do on my end. I try to do it David Day every so that I ten months or so, and then yeah pirate for the material as soon as I've done it. We all do that now. I think I think that's the new error I mean once the internet came along. I think that's mandatory, you know, George Carlin always did it and then Louis CK started doing it and telling people that he did it, and then you start looking around who all the people that do it like bird? Does it you do it you know already, does it it's one of those things now? I think that kind of everybody- that's expected, yeah. I think I also now I don't do. I won't do stand up on television for four minutes. I want either
yeah for fucking you just I just knocked back doing Fallon for that and then like, like not anything special. If I could the guest on a show like a million Kimmel next week or whatever that's fine, but I don't want to burn four minutes that I could on to an actual special well, not only that, it's not your act. Yes, it is, doesn't try to translate well over four minutes. No one does I don't. I I feel like the tonight show culture in America. The late night show, culture in America. Fucked up. A lot of meetings for very long time because they come over to Europe and they look at all the british accent? Oh geez, you all your stories are so long, winded and October stuff, where everyone over here seem to for a very long time trying to make a snappy five minutes, and that's now where it's at in the long term, he had totally right it ruined Boston, comedy, there's a whole special, a whole documentary, this guy France Alameda, who is a Boston comic, did about it called Wednesday end up, stood out, and it's all about Steven Wright making it Stephen Wright getting on. Was it Letterman this T
tonight. Show I what, whichever one it was, even the Letterman or tonight, show that the the the documentaries excellent, but it shows how everybody changed and they all started doing clean material there I'll start trying to get on television they like. When am I going to get fucking picked up? What's going on what is going to happen to me, this is the documentary there was nothing like being on an island in the anything there was trying to make the audience laugh link to the city by storm and with
the biggest stand up revolution after well. The part question in deference of stand up comedy comedy, has become a thriving businesses. Club owners fill their rooms weekend after weekend. It was a really good time because that was like the beginning of thank you. There's a big difference. Critics called would stand up to the hype entertaining and one of the greatest standup movements of all time, comedian for just like rock stuff selection of the Montreal Comedy Festival and the winner of the tell you right, independent film festival built by friends. So let me great movie, but the point being that young amazing how that was when he was when he he's pretty revolution.
Hey Steven Wright came along and nobody was like him before. He came to see me at Caroline's, uh and uh with these Publicis, or something like that, and you know after seeing your dvd's in signing in doing photos and stuff in that favor and he waited in line with everyone. He came and bought a dvd inside. Yes, I they were great like that right now is it. Who is this kind of this kind of weird it's just like an old guy in a baseball fan. I went Steven rise anyway, yeah yeah, then he walked away and then I went you've been standing next to all these comedy fans and no one noticed him. It's the beard right yeah. It's also the hat, but you wouldn't expect him to queue up. If you went to the front of the line and said so people wouldn't notice him because he good day so incognito and did it and then I went fucking only one that was Stephen Ride and then all the
who were waiting to take a photo with me, chased after c section, so I did no one that took a photo with me after that or port need any days. I was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv, and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway into the conversation I thought he was just some dude who came to the show and wanted to talk to me after the show and he's talking to me about the dolphin bit the. Eating, mushrooms and or uh eating a pot brownie. I went on a boat and I just right, changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins, but in uh tell me a story on stage and Robin Williams come, talk to me and he's talking to me about the bit and we're talking and I'm like I'll just this cool dude. This is fucking. Robin Williams, horse shit, he's a tiny little fella but it was just. It was a bizarre thing like in the middle of the conversation, I'm just skill, well thanks man. Thank you, whoa. I have
theory on why actors in some comedians a super short in comparison to the general populace for attention. Yes, it is. I I would I was at the fox with the tv show we and the the party they have for Fox for everything. Fox related, the star of every show has to show up it's in your contract. You have to be there right and all the reporters go around talk to you so so people like this famous people and then there's like Jennifer Lopez, walked in and then all the famous people, like wow, there's a real famous person, but then you're saying this like like beat. The Solomon was like look like used five foot, nothing to Maine, really yeah. He was, he was a big 'cause. He plays Jack Bauer, you think he's a big guy and then Martin Freeman was there 'cause he's in now. The new Fargo and he's a itty bitty new fargo- they have a Fargo TV, show now yeah effects to bring it out. It's got. It's got Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman, Kate Walsh is in it holy shit. Does it have any?
with the Coen brothers uh. It's it I don't know if it's great, but it's being reviewed through the roof. People assign it to face thing coming out in like sixteen days. That's beautiful, oh, that I fucking love that movie. That's one of my all time: favorite comedies, because there's no jokes in the entire fucking thing, it's just fuck up fuck up after you know, just it's completely character, driven thing that car sales from the failure car salesman that fucks everything up? What's that cat's name, bill, something or another. The guy was in shameless there's, a Showtime showed up the billboard, the post they got the bus stops, which is like a knitted fucking rug, pretty cool What is that guy guy's name who is on that shameless show on HBO, are on show time the guy plays the lead, yeah he's in mystery men as well yeah shop, yeah, Bill, Macy, yeah right, William, H, Macy yeah, you much bye,
he's a very nice guy, I met that guy. When I was on news radio he's super friendly, very, very friendly guy. Is he short, though I'm short, so it's hard to tell everybody seems giant to me. Everything is everything in this world is just like sample used up. It is everything. Is just people trying to pick up chicks? 'cause. That's what you getting anything like, not in the long term but young years, retains its just about how can I make women? How sad? How can I make so if you're at school and you good. Looking guy, then that's your. Why amazing women, if you're just a really good looking guy and if really good at sport that you weigh ' If you short, you better, be fucking funny or if you're, not good. Looking you better be funny or if you're not funny, and you all those things, then you better learn how to do a shakespearean monologue in fucking? I'm a class, you better have something you better have some little makes. You stand little thing, that's different from everybody else, so I think that's why all the act, design think
the actress is a toll. Some of them are his lot of short. Let me call came in she, so she marries Tom Cruise he's eighty bitty fella he's not as anybody as everybody says, it's sort of like the Napoleon thing, a new husband's, really small. Well, Napoleon wasn't really short guy. It was british propaganda. Apulian was actually taller than the average person of that I'm really yeah. Yeah well was tall compared it today he's like five six, the back. Then everybody was fucking. We're really tiny, so that was saying is four yeah but Tom Cruise apparently I've talked to people like I've met Sylvester Stallone he's not that small everybody would say so much loans. Only fifty six, he played a rocky in the movies. He was a heavy he's, not fifty six. The method I he's at least five hundred and ten, maybe taller, maybe he's wearing some shit and issues. I don't know, but I'm Fifty eight, I don't wear any shit in my shoes and I wear
standing like right. Next, the guy he's taller than me, hi, Matt, then Kingsley and he's like the opposite. They try to make him look smaller in Film John was a reasonable size guard. When have you same in from the try to make him look like a little tiny menacing black? Well, when Bart Brad Pitt Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together Tom Cruise walked on like a platform around him, so they were similar heights so like everywhere they walked when they were doing. The thing like Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch that may may not be true. I wasn't there when it was filming. No, I might just be true. It might be, might be just totaled Richard Gere Gerbil in the ass propaganda, even on my tv show. I found it weird when this season I get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall among go with six foot tall. It definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl really yeah, because is like on the same hard as I you just have to turn your head and like, but when I have a sudden, you kissing a real short person here,
in your hunched over Ray it doesn't look call on film yeah. That's why they likely to pick him up. Play some up in the air when making a toll, weak person, I I do that. We all have our limitations, this, the actors. Ok, so Danny Devito is soo. Easy is super. Small is five foot and then I think, he's under Michael J Fox is just five foot four same with Amelia Estevez. Then you go up to the Woody Allen's in the distant Emilio. Estevez is five foot four yep. See how do I know they're not making this up, though Woody Allen's taller than Emilio Estevez for real what the islands? Fifty five yeah he's only a little felon in Jack Black. I passed him yesterday at the airports and now what is bothering you know why I think he was wearing his neck pillow It was covering up a lot of these vice he had it like with the little velcro strap around his neck. He just
Lycus Lumpy, so the guy who had to get his flight and he didn't look like a movie style. Tell you that much! That's a good move in the neck pillow, because no one, if you don't want people to talk to you, wear a neck pillow because there's the extra step that they have to take like. Is that fucking guy wearing a neck pillow, and then they decided not to talk to you kind of short. It looks like you're, obviously ready for asleep, so you don't want to be bothered. Do we bother someone who wants to sleep very good point rude people the same type? so the body while you're eating look up to where you do that after you go. I don't want to. I want to interrupt you, but I'm not into yeah you do you do want me. You feel bad about it. I want to interrupt you I feel bad about. It is what you should say now there just trying to find a way to be not rude while they're being RD. Yeah they're, not even being rude. I understand that people want to say hello, spirits reading, just seen the show if you read and your mouth full of food. That's where I draw, line like when you're sitting down to eat when, with your friends and people come over to the table like if every
yeah, that would be fucking chaos like there's a certain amount of you know privacy, a person should or just piece that a person should be able to get and while I'm persons eating their meal, that's why another line, how? How do you happy with, like you to me right, your life, famous you're, famous famous and then is the next. You don't want to go there. You don't want to go out in the. I think I think I'd like to go up to about where you are and then stop love even back it down a little yeah I to back down a little try to take a little bit the edge off it is it's like, but at the moment I get stopped. I would say four times a day and three of those people are just say, hey Jim and then that's great, that's great, and then we want personal, take photos and that's no problem and that's. Why right now, but I'm not at this stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go Jim Jeffries needs a table and I'll fucking find a table because my
population doesn't know who I am so. I'm not. I would like that because I liked it. I'm lazy, with my reservations, that's what I would like to get to table restaurant tables yeah, try tables house. If you were a a club hopper and you want to get to. I got to let young kid on yeah I I might pop up again it might be later on in life, but I kind of different now there's no club at the moment, I'm just die. U K! Guy like I'll. Tell you my my I can I'm signing trailers white again, so I started going back to the gym, so I got a gym and there's a daycare at my gym, where I can take my son and just drop him off and there's like two, ladies in their 50s, that just sort of work behind the counter and why my son, who's sixteen months are just fucking loves one of these, ladies as his old asian lady and he lights up when he sees and she loves him, she'll be playing with other kids. When she sees my science will just drop it she's doing and just go Hank and then She says the same thing: every time should go there,
my boyfriend. Here it is possibly my boyfriend, my boy different gives me kisses, and then she starts kissing him all over the face right and then goes enjoy your workout in a walk off. Now I can't do that. The baby girl I can never go. There is my girlfriend my girlfriend gives me kisses now give. To hear enjoy your workout. Why is that? Why is that so you? I don't want to do that, but but you know I'm not, I'm not fighting for the freedom to do this in the near future. I just think it's a very odd. I have a whole bit about it. Yeah there's no sexual equality and child molesting because there's a there's a commercial? I don't know if you ever seen. The commercial word is just for men. Baby was just for men in some shit that old dudes put in their beard, beard going gray, there's a baby with a beer, and he driving a Porsche with a grown woman next time and the baby goes to the club he's dancing. All these women are running around kissing him. An
what I'm saying is in that bed is there's no sexual equality and childless, and you couldn't make that same commercial with the sexes. Reversed. Look at this is it baby just got a grown woman. The baby gets out of the car to look at the bouncer. He recognizes how many points the finger out of my goal. It's you, you fuck, another guy goes in there and he's got a bottle. Look, it's got a bottle just in case. You think well, maybe it's a little eccentric midget, so he's doing his little dance and look surrounded by pussy and a couple of gay dudes wish they could get a turnover. This baby is the shit and if you switch the sexes, if you had a we should do- is with Tarzan, loincloth swinging cock like that face height to vagina that babies dancing around. But I know that China is right there, though, so that's just a tad. That's making fun of something. It's a comedy of commercial. It's meant to be a joke, but
even in real life. I don't know you, but when av here like there's a guy he's been molesting the FAQ in school, the the the the the volleyball tame yeah, he was good at crazy exactly, but they soon you hear there's a female too. They had sex with thirteen year old boy, always guy! Alright, I have to see the photo, this woman furnace and then, if the woman's kinda hot you like there right there, I can see where you you know. I don't even blame the kid I'm like, not that I would ever plan to keep it I'm like. So, if you had a bad time, yeah. Is that wrong? No, it's not wrong at all. What I say to my school who I would have loved to have fucked when I was thirty course. I used to masturbate to her all the time. There's nothing wrong with it. If she's hot, that's what people except. There is something wrong with them, and the difference is a man can molest a thirteen year old girl away unless a thirteen year old boy, she could just let him fuck her there, two different things yeah and they say that women develop faster. They do
they do in a lot of ways they just they're not allowed to fuck. As early yeah, they can enjoy it. They can enjoy it at thirteen. Do something really creepy about a man fucking a thirteen year old, but if you found out your son got caught, now with the teacher bent over the desk and he's banging, are you fucking be really kind of proud of him? Some strange wouldn't but you'd be like? Oh, you shouldn't do that, but how it's funny like Paul Walker when he died, hey they found out that He had a girlfriend for like eight years or something and when he dating app she was sixteen. He was thirty four yeah and then on the tv, but then is like that. Weird thing that when their slavery that they even at the end of time and tonight we like- but she was very mature and she no no, no, no, no statutory right man. You can just change the rules. 'cause, the guys dead, now, first of all, no disrespect, but how good must
pussy event where a thirty four year old movie star is freaking out about a sixteen year old, and we have said that good. If you can pull a picture of, it might not be a good thing. I mean she might have had been dynamite. Someone at voodoo, pussy yeah those ones as well. Those girls where other girls are like this year's day is pretty much there at twenty four something before she. But I don't. I don't in fact a sixteen year ago, in the sense that you can see some sixteen goes. We guide is legal in the: U kind of stray or it's not like it's. I I I understand wanting to have sex with a fully developed. Sixteen are what I don't get is. Came dating her pull up that picture Jim. That is an odd picture. Man she's, like she's, in one is there yeah? This is like when she's like they've, been dying for seven years or something you know. I hate the idea of what I have daughters, yeah. So first, the first thing on the settings This is not something I'm really entertaining, but I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other and
for whatever reason they are perfect together. That can't happen because Guy is thirty in the girls. Sixteen on the go? I agree with. You has to die to few guys, like the I agree with you, stand aside when the gospel of g to its six thing broke up with me, and I thought I'd never find love again and I haven't since really but well. I've enjoyed a lot of different women since then I, yes, I but the thing is that creepy is not the sex it the conversation after six. It's the fact that he like in there with her afterwards and went how is school and she went good and she goes. What do you bring up too and he's like? I made a movie. It's a very good movie, but it's got a lot of swear words, so you can't see it because you shouldn't listen to swear words. Yeah, that's a good point man
is the one thing that's a good point. I think that you know he should be able I can do whatever he wants, he's a good looking guy. There are many I mean he should be able to. I mean he should be able to date anybody who wants to date him as long as that person is old enough to make their own choice. The real question is: when is the age that you're old enough to make that choice? Is it sixteen? Is it seventeen is eighteen, but sixteen and the rest of it in writing in America. So we mean so in that sense, yeah he broke the law, but because some shits written down on paper obviously doesn't mean it makes sense and also we know that he broke other laws such as speeding. Well, it wasn't like this. Guy was somebody else killed him. He didn't drive that I felt sorry when, when he died and all that type of stuff there's a lot of debts all at this year and I really sorry for the guy that made the in Memoriam thing for the Oscars every,
but he must have sat down and gone all right. Ok, the Oscars are coming Paul. Walker, music ends beautiful. I gotta bed wakes up in the morning. Fucking Phillip Seymour, Philip Seymour Hoffman, the and then, like you, read the paper, I thought Shirley Temple was already dead. This is bullshit, but surely she was dead to put Shirley Temple in the end, Harold Ramus, it was just fucking ongoing until the day he had to make that video that guy the James Rebhorn who played carries dad on homeland he died. I did uh to the pilot with that kind of way. You'll see that show homeland. I do I try my who plays who Harry's dad she plays the the father of the the main check with the Digic. That's off off off. Yes, the more medication under the door. Yes, well, the dad, the british guy, who played the lead
in homeland? No, no, not that guy. The other Carey Carey is the crazy CIA agent. Oh, he did also cultural, yet gray, Hair Bolton public just died great guy, really really really nice guy. I was still upset with Fred, Phelps die training. Films to Maine is, if you know, is the web western Baptist Church Westboro Baptist Church Guy, who used to protest guy. People's funeral soldiers funerals 'cause. He blamed the war started because we were too nice to gays got a good point. Well. This is my. This is my thing: uh, I'm an atheist and I'm also very non homophobic person in the sense that I wouldn't even care, if I almost gave long. You just have a mama that opinion when it comes to homosexuals, but he was Fred. Phelps was PA, probably the most way
about their religious person. We've had in a very long time where he actually had decisions like are the war started must be because of the gays and they decided it was gospel. But what, if He was the only black on earth that was right. He gets to Heaven and then gods like you're, the only one who got me and the my God sitting up there, where is everyone else, you guys will no one else. You are the only person that followed it to the fucking team and everyone else is in hell and tell him sitting there gorgeous and then frigates faggots are constantly cargo. I'm straight and they fit I don't know like if if his beliefs were real, then he's the only black getting into. Heaven is the point I might well. The problem is his beliefs aren't anywhere they're, not written anywhere yeah, but he's so to believe specific well, he may not believe them. If you listen to the way he talks, though, like you ever see the Louis throw documentary with him, we went visited them to stay with him for three weeks. It's very interesting and
things you realize is the amount of ego this guy has yet, and he just wants people to listen to him, but he doesn't answer questions sometimes when, when a question comes up, he just has I'm not going to even answer that because you're so stupid, like he just comes up with some reason why he superior this is so much ego involved in like what he was doing the way he was running that church. It wasn't based on any scripture. I liked how they had to sing songs. You know they went not enough to write their own songs. So they just got songs of artists who they probably call Cnet sinners to begin with, and just there was the one that they did. We are the world, but it was like God, hates the guy there. All faggots is like that. Like Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie write that song. You telling me that that you were fans are days and I were pretty close to the model that you wanted for you, make sure you paying Whenever someone is a religious guy, only try saying in any sort of pop music, it automatically kills. It
like that guy in Australia thinks he's Jesus and he sings green day. Have you, I can. I don't know him, but I like you, I, like you already you never see. The australian g is not always awesome, he says he's Jesus and he hangs out with this hot chick, the banks who was We used to be married and Mary has a vision, our member him on the cross. I remember him, I remember him crying. I gotta get a picture this cheek. It's the second check the one on the far right is the Mary, though that's the this with the glasses Naran marry apparently, unfortunately, just found out recently that she was the second marry and there was a another girl that Jesus said was Mary for her hi. This is merry magdeleine yeah soon he likes to tell people he's Jesus to get the policy. Well, I a on J, this airplane J, this for all, really that's his nuclear option. You got to listen to the guy. I talked to the put place some of bright because it's it's quite brilliant and you know
not even an exceptional guy which is not not to Jesus Siberia. It's totally different, please defense! This is how the original Jesus came out just hanging out across, like this gonna, be some guy, if you believe in God and there's going to be a second coming, then he's going to come. These guys got as much chance as anyone of being Jesus. Now it doesn't have zero chance of being chances if it existed, White Guy said he was Jesus as well right. Well, he was much like this guy just want to get some pussy similar, listen to me, Emeli member and they're critical of Miller. They have. No. No, that's not his voice. That's the narrators voice. His so is very non. Jesus, like I I've always being we have her name, is really stride. The regional Bible didn't even mention Estreia. On balance, the strike was like Paul. He's made it headed to go. That's not his voice either he's the Jesus guy was the other guy with the dark hair and the glass
fackin do under this. Is that fucking duty you can, if you could see him talking there, he goes here. They wanted to go spirit. You can't listen this here. Can I do that? This is one of Miller's Dick than air. What follows yeah, quite a quite a few queensland, I believe, is where he lives. If I can Queensland, is that a spot there for any of that? That's the that's the Alabama or of a story at all. Well, there you go the makes, and it's a little bit, I actually like queens and my Father from Queens, and I have an affinity, grins and I'll be there in April selling tickets, the Brisbane to really Thea, but I they're a little bit that they had a politician for a while they called polar. Hanson and Pauline Hanson was just really racist was like the problem. The Aboriginals, and this is why we
but I bought you know, she's one of these type of people she got voted in and then TAN and and she was sort of these redheaded. What she looked like she was off. A matchbox she she's. This is red, headed woman. It turned out, she had electoral fraud and she went. She went to prison for like six months for anyway he comes out after being really racist like and then saying stupid things like. How would you fix the economy and she goes print more money, then we'd, all have more money like is the level of Intel Jesus Christ. You got voted in right, so she's like another level. Passer panels are even in my family would like that woman's disgusting. I can't believe that all these things you yeah, not she's she's. A rice is Serra piling, that's a perfect. It does whatever right, and so so she gets put into prison and then, when she comes out she goes on dancing with the stars and my parents, forgive my parents, will forgive anything if you do a cracking foxtrot like their way,
that they were voting for a God, because I guess she's got good legs. I procedures should they have original, should die, Eee bloody hold under things for too long. That's so true, if someone was running for president and they did star search or dance, with the stars or american idol or whatever those fucking shows are, and you know where American got to vote and they did really well. They probably come president yeah so long as she, let's see if we can get a picture of Paul Hanson up, I haven't had to look at this woman's face for going on twenty years used in a fish and chip shop? There was like people that, actually so racist people would win. Martin Luther King T shirts on the front. That said, I have a dream: there be a picture of her on the back. That goes. I have a fish and chip shop
there. She is that was out. Sarah pilot in Australia, while she even kinda has that thing going on at Sarah Palin thing going on and the Asians the Asians come in here and buy all the land wow. What do you think but these are banning bossy you got retarded stupid, is never going work angry. It makes me angry that you pretend, in someone's feelings, are hurt because of the word bossy. So they tried to say the word Bossy Means leadership. It doesn't like We have a few nieces and I want to say which one of them's big boy see and when I mean Bossy, it's not like. She goes ok. You said over here we're playing this game. She's like don't touch that that's my toy she's, just a bit of a cunt yeah. They don't county, so they're trying to get rid of bossy, which is a substitute for hunting, trying to remove themselves from criticism It is coming up with that they're, either trying to silence free speech or they're trying to remove what they say. Think is criticism they faced many times and it you know a lot of like where is it
and from most likely feminists and well water? A lot of feminists. A lot of feminists are very strong women who, like being able to people with the fuck to do and what what Ba a criticism that well she's a cunt, she's county, she's bossy, those are there all in line with what people don't like. I will be bossy, get the fuck out in Freema screechy campaign, but that's the dumbest fucking thing ever on their advert or the program the woman's day going. Do you know that men are ninety, nine percent of the world's property right, and then I thought about you ninety five percent of the homeless or also men. This is poo yeah bossy, bitches kicking cans out of there. You are living rent free are not going. Are you banned boss? You won't get women that ahead of corporations MOE bossy women that I have known in my life. Don't have joy, jobs, yeah and probably would we get to the head of a corporation, because that requires a lot of people
it's not like they've, been held back by scoring going bossy arm paying the rent and they still fucking bossing me around. It doesn't feel like yeah. No, this the idea- is ridiculous. The idea that all these women who want to have fucking want to be the head of corporations ridiculous to lot of women, don't want those jobs either they're not working towards those jobs. The idea that completely banned from there jobs. There are women out there who run corporations. Is it fair? I'm not saying it is, but there's a lot sure. That's not fair if it's not fair will mice what a good chance we'll have a female president. Next, possible yeah, there's just very different characteristics that men have in women have is varied personalities almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick that you don't have also with a woman, and this is nothing against women. When they have a kid, I'm not saying 'cause, they take nine months out of the workplace, although it's probably a problem, but I don't give a fack when they kid. Their mind does change a little bit, maybe
less create driven for a lot of them, not all of them, but they do start going. I want to spend time with this and that and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit high. I sometimes begrudge the amount. I have to go on the road and be away from my kids, so as I can support the family, you now, I feel, like I miss out on something there. I'd rather be home all the time with him right. I know exact which mean I, I think everyone has role and that everyone's role, different, depending on the relationship depending on where you are in life, depending on everything, but the idea which should be even for men and women, is ridiculous. The idea that anything should be even is ridiculous. The only thing you should ask is for now discrimination. No discrimination and that someone would be there they would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do with the idea that yeah, but the idea that, like there should be
Equal amount of men in an equal women in the same position that I don't buy, that doesn't make any sense to Maine 'cause. There's a out of jobs that men do better than women in a lot of jobs, that women do better than men is just a fact. We've got Beyonc Ankande laser eyes and who is the other bird that got Julia Garner is on the campaign as well, and then One says they going going, I'm not bossy, but I am the boss, I'm the queen. What is it with black women and wanting to be Queen Queen the tea for about a man. The coin in the night we met men are always king black man like there's a lot of fighters that call themselves. King, black or white mane will call themselves the king of the castle. I'm the king of my heart. That's a universal mile thing. We want to be the king black women, nobody, queens and white chicks want to be princesses, it's true right. They don't even want to be queens. Wanted me to child the only white chick that wants to be the queen is the queen.
That's probably it right. Every time you made it girl, it's uh, you have a princess 'cause. They want to be taken care of, and black chicks, like. I want to fuck I can you, can I'm the queen? Well, that was the thing that black men like there was a. Big thing they used to say it was that we used to be kings. You know black men used to be kings, before we were slaves working that's crazy! In Africa they only had little villages and I didn't travel very far. It was easy a king when the population was ten, I knew it was you in the on a hot and you like, I'm queen lose the muzu will whatever, and if I can, you go out with this be or anything on the king of these little guys and still now, they've got guys. How to drive in taxis in the UK, it was like I'm Princi. Do boo, boo, boo, boo right and you like I'm fourth in line for the throne and there's so many fucking kings over there. That's hilarious and it's so true. If you really stop and think about it, like the amount of people
that's probably directly in line we were talking about. We were talking about being famous that you don't want to be the king of a place. It's too big. You know, like you, I want to be your only. The head of Rome is too much going on here and all these other countries like they will die to throw you too much Strasser. Buddies are gonna, kill you all the time, but if you're the king of small village, but you probably doing pretty good, you get all the fish yeah you're good, you got your own ten wives or whatever the hell you need. You need to go on the wise. It casually can guide a guy's house and just take a ghost yeah, it's a it's a trip he has to pay. But if you like the head of England, God Damn is a lot of pressure on you. Well there, King Ralph yeah. That was filled. I love you know what I like about King Ralph, King Ralph is a movie where you know they've worked backwards, the God all right. This is, the probe is even calling the the idea is. If you go in the the id's, you think it's just a broad strike, so someone's going
ok. American guy is the king of England and he's a slob and he likes ten pin bowling. Alright, that's what I've got and then the other guys gone. How do we get rid of the role family? I'm fucked, I'm thinking all right and then I've got it. There all standing in a puddle and get electric they're all similar. They take a photo of the entire or family. At once this day, sing a bit of water, the camera goes falls over light falls into the puddle and they all electrified the death electrified and then obviously they go through all the family. They could find a single relative until they find a fat guy from Milwaukee called Ralph. I don't have you from Waukee it sounds like he was king. I never saw that Movie PETE, it's always a good trader. I told because one of the game, it's funny I've been staying away. We've seen it recently. I I tell you what I know and movies. I tell you
watch three days ago. I watched the doors movie great Fucking movie I'd, I know 'cause, I went and saw it when I was. Is ninety nine three on ninety two in that movie came out. I saw it in the cinema, so that would have made me 16's different straight I'd, never heard adore song, but I knew so it was hip to like the doors, and so I went along and watched. It was all of a stone, is a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff- and I remember walking on the cinema being bored This call it fifteen, but then, like still saying to my friends like that, was a cool movie man lying on the line and then, when I heard them, when I heard like someone didn't like the film was, like you obviously didn't get it, you obviously don't get with Jim Morrison has to say, and now I watched it as an adult, and it's not I enjoyed it more, but my conclusion was that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick. He was definitely a bit of Dick, but he was also a guy, just like we were talking about with we're talking about Lenny Bruce, is living. Totally different error like breaking out.
In that error like doing what they were doing, but how many quickly radical, how many young comedians have you met? They think they like a gym like yeah the things I'm saying in the words you know that Hicks yeah, you ever work the punchline Atlanta as I've got a backroom green room. Has a someone wrote on the wall? Quit trying to be Hicks as fuck brilliant it's brilliant. Because for long time, like specially after Hicks, died out when he died in the? U R, young guy. That's all I care about this yeah stop man yeah and I actually, I like Bill Hicks, but I've gone out of my way not to watch him because I got caught sick of anytime, you edgy comedy you got compared to him and I thought if I don't watch him and you can compare 'cause, I'm not influenced though I haven't. You know what I mean, but well, that's a compliment. I don't think people are mean it in a negative way. Yeah no doubt about it. Just got to the stage where every day they were all trying to be bill, Hicks yeah! That's just an easy criticism. That's like
you have an argument with a woman and someone say: oh you hate women. You hate all women like now. You know that easy argument you know and if you Reggie and they want to dismiss you, are you just trying to be Hicks like it's an easy dismissal? My girlfriends favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something is or when tell me or whatever. The argument is, is the problem with you is, you always think you're right and I always go. Do you say is that you think are wrong. Is this what you fucking do? Of course, I always think I'm right! I might not be right, but these my opinions. These are what I therefore believe to be correct. You just fucking, saying things Willy nilly so probably why we fight so much but yeah? I always leave him right? I think. Do you consider it deeply enough? You should always believe you're right, yeah yeah, if you're just talking off the top of your head, yeah yeah yeah,
I did. I might be an idiot, but I always think I'm right yeah. I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong several times. I am wrong, but I died and I was at before the fight. That's a very important point that you don't know you're wrong, but you are yeah if someone's, but that I have a real problem with that when, when someone realizes in the middle of an argument that the wrong and then they go on no when they keep going. That's what I fucking hate that I'm here, I'm justifying it yeah they died back then it tries me crazy. I was I was on Dj. Qualls is, in my shows, the skinny kid road trip. I trip is he was singing along to wanted dead or alive by Bon Jovi? Oh my dead or alive and then there's a line on the steel horse. I ride right yeah. I uh always thought it was I'm going to steal the horse. I ride because
he's a cowboy, but it turns out he's riding on a motorcycle better. Actually I haven't got the gist of this song whatsoever. Right, I said: are you got that wrong? It's I'm going to steal the horse, I ride and then he said. No, it's not Now it now you're wrong. I checked it on the internet and he was right, but I didn't back down. Just keep it mom. I just kept are gone for weeks about you know, even though I fucking Song Lyrics Texaco and you would upset him either. One is fine steel horse or steel horse. I think steal the horses more renegade, cowboy steel horses, any asshole can go, buy a Harley Davidson about ten year. If I like, I, like my lyrics better, it's better, it is bad steel horse. I ride that some real and to get shit your fucking you're a horse thief. There's a song one of my favorite songs restraining bank. Would you MI is called heavy hot and uh.
There's a lyric. The guys now, every teacher, it's gonna whites of wine stain, I'm lovin cigarettes again. I know every chance just about a guy's been dumped right right now we take just got a wine stain bye. I always thought it was now, but it has a white stain and that's my thanks. 'cause, like he's been dumpster, is wanking. So much he's getting cum everywhere and I think that's probably better. It's a great in a romantic song, though every t shirts got a white stain. I'm lovin seeking resting in Weinstein come on hold me closer Tony Danza yeah. That's good yeah! Everybody used to have a bit about that and it was like one of the early stand up. It's a people used to have a bit about people getting on with the the lyrics wrong. A bunch of guys are where they used to have like the shape with ever written and then be flipping over what they thought was no, no, no like they would sing the wrong lyrics like there's a few guys that had bits, and it would be a real problem if they work together like this
If you guys it had bits about people getting the wrong Lucy in the sky with diamonds, I could come up with the wrong word for it. They would have a whole thing. I saw a lot of guys hold me close to tell you that John that's part of shop, though so, obviously all right there was a there's a lot of guys. You would have a pad and they brought out in BR lead right out all the lyrics to songs like you know like that song that was played like instituting movie, then done done done to to to to yeah good yeah it's in latin right, but he would write it what he thought it was in English and it when you saw the words with the music it yeah, it is started to go all. That is what they're saying you know and then there's another one for that. Michael Jackson, the earth song, what about birthday? What I bet that one no one knows with the funky sane in that he's just screaming around and that was very proper in Britain for them to go. These are the words I think, but yeah it's kind of hacky yeah, but I'm not. I don't know
a guy. Occasionally you get like this song parody, guys that are really shit most of his ship Usually you get a guy. We've got. These are our him. I don't know it it's like anything. If you, if you, if you even if you do something, if you do it extraordinarily well, it can be good. Well, it will it sucks for a guide like Weird Al Yankovic, who is like the first guy who does it? Does it very good and just doesn't change the lyrics? He gives a whole new story. It's like does that that that that offspring, song, I'm pretty fly rabbi, just thought about this guy and he's into the cities Rabbi Place and he's in synagogue, and you know it is a weird thing, though, when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing you know we're doing a parody of something. Someone else creates the foundation and you come along and build comedy on the foundation or whatever they're doing like I'm fat from bad. You know you were at home,
get the same outfit on, but he was the first guy to really he to get the rights from people like for the film clips and everything people used to like it when they did it, I'm sure. At the moment I've been told that a avi doesn't impersonation of me. I really want to see it. Dana Carvey does impersonation of you yeah. Like it's c, I a the I agents was set out that we did that a copy as impersonation of you, we were all cracking up when I do you does it on stage. Please just do for the other agents down at sea and then I think they thought that I'd be like what the fuck is, that cunt doing I was like fuck. All I want to know is what it looks like I want. I want to see Danny countries like one of the best impersonators ever yeah. That's cool, that's cool that he's doing impersonation of you well, say: that's a good sign! That's a good sign! Yeah he's one of these guys that I always think Maybe he just didn't want to do movies anymore, 'cause, you,
he's up in San Francisco. Now plays clubs every weekend stuff like that, but does he yeah I think, as you do last Hannah yeah, but I think he does it. In a club down the road from his house where he goes every week and it's packed that really. You know to mean, like he's just that, guy, let's find out yeah, he was, I think, he's at the ice house recently. Really I will Man he's that's what I hear of films are like light. Winds will know. That was like a big deal for me. You too, I think I saw Wayne's world more than any movie ever in my life. Well, he's doing a bunch of theaters he's doing a San Manuel casino, and he he's doing the IP casino resort and spies doing like you know smaller casinos, but may he's doing you know just mostly works up there and then I want. I want to put him in legit us if you like it. If we get a third season, I want to put a man.
I I have him: do it an impression of you yeah? Maybe that would be the reason like. I could see him on tv doing in person. I saw me I got to confront imo. Something would be a cool episode like if I was a bitter getting all upset doesn't coke when I was watching the episode where he was doing that, while the tv spot for a guy like him. You know. I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do to just be able to theatres yeah just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have any. Keep telling him you know or movie got funded uh. The production company wants to change something about your show or it might might pay operation want to come along to meet with this, because I didn't look at that when all we should come along to everything. I'm like I've done, judges part because before just fine get in there by myself, pr people are disgusting when people bring him and they start talking me uhm. You know like what he needs to do. Is the fuck outta here get the fuck out You can't talk for him guide, there's a reason. Why he's here and now you he's a Parker this?
the comedian or she or whoever the pockets of gas is odd occupation. The pair weather confused everybody else that you have employed. You can sort of exactly tell The money is coming from your agent books, the gigs managed to gets you that you can sort of go. You can justify that, but it's just like I don't know, is that worth the money I don't know? Did I get anything out of it? Is my life better? I don't I'm not sure what happened there. Some of them, a real good, some of them really good at it. You know I have a good publicist gets like. If I need to do things he can, he can get me. Those things are I want to. You know promote something to gig or what have you, but the bad ones are the ones that tell the clients what to say and what to do and where to don't. Don't talk about this? Remember, don't don't do this. Don't do that you can never do that with a comic comic should do most likely. The mistake that you think that they're going to make would be one of the best things they could do like you telling them not to say something. If they wind up saying it and it becomes
hello, Aereas, a big uproar and the network gets pissed. Probably the best thing you could ever do I got in trouble yesterday a couple of weeks ago and Opie and Anthony just raining in and I had to publishes check that I didn't fuck everything up in my life because Carrie Fisher in the season a legit, and so I chatted to Fisher for awhile and carry you should tell me a little bit about what she was doing in star wars, and I didn't think it was a big secret I was talking to ip anything. Oh now, what was it it turns out like on star wars, forums and web pages, went fucking mental like Jim Jeffries, just built the beans and the New STAR wars- film? Oh no, I was like fuck there, the last fucking bit of mafia in this town that I need going after me. The people who are in charge of Disney 20Th Century Fox and Disney once taming to ruin my career. So she told you a secret nerds
can you tell me a big city? All she said was she said she said to me. She goes I'm going to film star wars, January, through to July Anisidine Opini Anthony I go well, Who is NASA? She can't be having a small role because he's there for that many months. So, like I imagine that We got to see her Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in the hall film. You know which we were speculating that they'll just have a cameo right. No. I was saying well that amount of time I thought. Maybe this was information that everyone already knew. I didn't know that I was like. Add some secret. I can say it again here because I'm already in trouble right, she was the one who fucked up by telling you if you're going to tell someone something: that's a secret, you gotta say hey, you can't tell anybody this well, I don't know if it was a secret. I don't know if it's just being blind out of a point, but they say
the episode. Seven is a continuation of episode. Six, I'm like that's, going to to be a thirty year gap between these things. Unless something happened with the force where everyone I aged really fast, they lost me one hundred percent a few years back. It's like the first couple of star wars, the for the original few were pretty good and then, when they too, that gap and then came back, was in the 80s, the late 80s when they started doing him again, the phantom menace was lighter than that man. That was like nineteen, not two thousand Us University, was it really okay? I will wherever it was. I was like man. This is just not star wars, that was the height of my ecstasy taking, and I that that's everything when you get so into pills, where you like, going to see star wars and will be on ecstasy, because this
someone to spend a billion dollars in special effects that still not good enough. For my mind anymore, I did this the. What is it like to see that movie on ecstasy? Do you forgive them more? I in the photo. I said the first time on ecstasy- and I remember saying to people as you walked out by style, was ever and then when I went and saw it two more times like uh uh and also it didn't like adjust after the drugs rough because I've been telling everyone all that week. You gotta see it it's better than the original star. Wars is oh, no 'cause, the podcast, the pod, the pod thing, not the podcast, the pod racing bloom fucking. Mind wanted to see yeah yeah charger banks. He is awesome in this movie. I smell an Oscar. Remember how bad that character was. Everybody was angry. You know is bad about those new films where I don't know, if George is just an idiot but stupid racist yeah little Joe
jumping through is obviously like a black service live woman from a like a gone with, the wind stall failed in a black actor, pull up, pull up the jar jar Binks. His name is the way to a video that me so get you for that, sir me. So gonna help to me so, and he was like just shine my shoes and off like it was that level of racism that bring it and then they made the the guys who the trade embargo people they will like. Nazi esque japanese people. They were like you, I have no section here in this part of the galaxy like that right hold up a video rose are gonna die flip, a video. I wanna hear you do it, it's hey Bell or whatever. Well that's in saying man, I never even thought about it that way, and then the goodies all had british accent all the jet eyes were like. We are part of the realm of the thing today and then you'll can it comes into our trade about about about, and so it was like an all all the all the Gungans were like like,
back Jamaica, install black people in the in the end of the film like hippies, just that is that thing but we do when we have a language that we want to be noble, we give it an english accent. Or villains they good at villains or romantic. Lady english accent like when you hear whoa is this music playing in the background 'cause. I think the videos with jar jar Binks, has been taken off Youtube, but this one's the phone LISA Lisa, steps on dog. He always has to walk ten steps behind his masters, so weird man '
musics killing Maine the Trololo first, like fully cgi personal sentiment in the technology. Just was a few years off 'cause, then they started nailed it with Gollum. Well, they can make it the thing about these guys like jar, jar Binks is it's no real thing, so you don't compare it to a real thing. It doesn't fuck with you like a real lion, looks way different the cgi liant, it's all about the way they move. It's like, like Godzilla, is probably going look, fucking, badass, lizards and stuff. Look really good, but I always say giant cgi clouds, clothes, as soon as You D, cgi clothing, on something the material does flows to smoothly like its water or something it doesn't ruffle like a real sure like Yoda look cool as a puppet.
He was more believe was a public has existed yes, and now your readers like with these flowing cloak that he comes in or is it just doesn't that's what takes me out of it yeah, that's the argument that special effects guys have for using make up in like Richard. You know, like the the the the type of special effects, the use used in star wars, the original star wars Saul, like the same that they use in american werewolf in London like rubber, and you know her and they it's all special effects guys. But it's Rick Baker was like the main guy, but you it's a real thing, whereas, like if you're looking at her the big one like flowing hair, any flowing hair with cgi looks like yeah yeah, yeah yeah, unless it's like any cgi would world like a Pixar film, where everyone's fucking exactly yeah. But if it's standing next to another person, you like it's, not real
yeah, it's not they're, not ready. Yet animals are not ready at the wolves and game of thrones those dire wolves, or I mean we we got. We got John Ratzenberger on this. On my show he plays one of the dads right he's cliff climb from cheese Agre. I can always tell the age of a girl like I don't see him, I go for anything, but I always think if, when these girls, extras. I have one lot on the thing I was. You always think I wonder if I could affect yeah. That's how all your life is like this right. Of course, I going to go thinking thing and she'd cute, and then this is the way I gauge a girl, whether she's too young. For me, where the she's talking to John Ratzenberger does she know him as a cliff from cheers or be the pig from toy story. And if she's never heard of cheers- and he goes oh yeah, I'm happy to pig from toy story- I got some quick, they Buzz Lightyear. If he doesn't. Let me go, I know who you are he or
I knew that girl. That's too young too young, I see well, you must have seen cheese once a lot of people. Have you know why 'cause kids did, I don't see any being old because they got too many channels options. It's true too many new shows to catch up on. I used to see I seen all the average size, Myron Pack Carol, films, every Shirley Temple Movie, because my mother, like these old black and white films, and they were on a Sunday and we only had four channels on one tv, so the fact and sit and watch these films right, because I didn't go out the house for whatever reason now, the kids today they've got the right yeah you have to wake up for a cartoon. Remember you the card game. Is it Sunday you had to wake up, for I remember that shit. Now you can dvr it plus you gotta cartoon channel and then, when get all that you got this channel, that sort of caters to you being a fucking moron. Nickelodeon one, where it's like now, like you're growing up a little bit with to keep you children when the key
should we start watching more adults, sort of dryer ate type thing? Is there now they're watching fucking, Miley, Cyrus or Hanna Montana, or what type of have you ever seen Nick at night, our NIC moms? They have Nick. They have Ma'Am stand after dark yeah there that have the mom's doing stand up about being a mom yeah. I guess works for them. You know I'm not hating or anything, but but it seems yeah very restrictive thing. It's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like five thousand people in Australia and his book to do it and, as I said, there are Thoma joints after they've done. This is the only time I brought call jokes in recent times 'cause I had to do a forty minutes, set it to be all religious stuff, and I in forty minutes of religious stuff over the course of all my specials, but never at once. So I actually sat on looking myself up on Youtube going. Let's say that bit goes it's a bit that would go so I could just do a religious fucking set
forty minute religious set. How do you keep yourself from you like repeating the same sort of theme? Wow? Well, I've. I've done a lot of these days, but that there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that a guy we go fuck in these Catholics. Don't like people, condoms did. I chick credit card number like that. Wasn't a religious routine that there was some definitely got. Oh yeah, there was some dressing up of other jokes to make them look like they were religious pressure, that's funny, but when you do when you, that many things the community, not a good looking bunch, not a lot of sexy atheists why not have redundancy too yeah yeah it. As I said in my opening line was look at this five thousand people talking about nothing yeah, like there's a lot of effort to talk about nothing? Well, if you ever heard of atheism plus, what's that is where it gets rough? It's atheism plus
set of core ethical and moral values. So it's like you know, anti discrimination, anti racism, essentially a religion, a religion based on a type anti religion, but social could do these things. You should have your own social code, inherently in you as a human being. I call it done atheism plus is dull. Yeah Doug, don't be racist. Uh don't be homophobic. I think a certain point time when enough information gets distributed like like, for instance, this group. Okay, are people in this room. If you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you you can be homophobic, are you shouldn't be races like to us with no point other than just espousing your beliefs, we'd be like duh, of course, fuck you saying, let's just some humor to it. You do repeating some shit that everybody with a fucking brain in a heart agrees with like. Why would you be sexist? Why would you be home,
public. Why would you be simple, a simple fundamental things that decide whether you can be friends with the person just the bit, where they the deal breakers for me if you're homophobic erases, whether I think you're a cock if you're any of these thing yeah and then there's the other things like Armanti gonna have a lot of three blue, a pro gun. You know what I mean. That's nothing! That's just open to fucking argument on the paper. That is not deal close when it comes to being a friend right, absolutely and then yeah and then, of course we all hate women. On the same page with that one right, the anti depressant one is one that I I leave open to debate. I I I have people that I'm friends with that will go on this big rants about evil anti depressants are and then I friends that are on him. Oh I've used him and I found they have helped me in my you use them when you got off. Am yes why'd you get off him.
I probably should stay on him, but I'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your buddy Medicinewise. You know, there's other things. You should take vitamins of what, but I feel like if you can get away with it and not take it. It's probably better. In the long term, have you ever fucked around five htp? What's that Tcp is it's the building blocks of serotonin and you take it in a supplement form and five htp actually helps your body produce more serotonin makes you feel better all right now. I would be definitely up for something like that. I I for me it's yeah I've been on any depressing? Sometimes there was something is a big tragic event happened in my life and I just haven't had to pull my shit together a couple times that happened in the last time I was, I was just suffering from depression and it just wasn't fucking shift. You have been hit in the head yeah. How many um.
One main jets are like high school. If you turn to one major Tom as an adult like this is the infamous video of me getting punched on stage, but that one didn't actually hurt. That was just building a, but once oh my god off stage in Nottingham England and no hint that the Giga Fabio hecklers right now, I came up and grabbing from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table, and I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose. Why did you do that? I'm never quite sure I was knocked out like today. Yes, the guy did from what I heard the security roughed him up in the british government gave me ten thousand dollars in conference a ten thousand pounds in compensation, but you got knocked unconscious when I wake up in the hospital yeah fuck right. It was like one of those one hitters, but also is facing the other direction and it was
It was really- and this is what I was saying is this is one of the debates are getting, I'm all for public health care and I'm saying that as someone who's got money, an would pay for my private health care. On top of that, anyway, uh in Britain Man, they pay main hospital they never. Check my name, they made sure I was oh fucking well and good, and then they just left me and I wasn't a citizen or nothing. I agree with you. One hundred percent. I think that health care should be mad internet society takes care of its citizens. I think there should optional healthcare, like a really good doctor. You know like to get you know the facts or something that you want to go to the guard as the Lakers yeah, but everyone should be able to get healthcare. You should the the the poor people in society should have free healthcare. When I said the porter like see like students, even if you come from a rich family whatever, but once you're on your own and I taint you want to stand on your own two legs and you know want to ring mom and dad up and the moon. We will you know, knowing that I should be
taken care of and then once you get to like. Normally when you get money it's later in life, and we have more ailments later in life anyway, but in the UK I paid for my private healthcare on Coppermine normal health care. Now, if in like the public If I had something small, I used to use the public health care just to see a gp. Or the emergency room or whatever I just saw, I think, and then, if they said like, I had like, for instance, I assist in my neck that had to be cut out and the doctor the doctor goes. Alright, you can be put on the waiting list for the public health care. You can get it done in four weeks or I can do it for you tomorrow. If you use your private cover, you get moved up the ladder of it quick, I see so these people are complaining America, Logo and get as much if you still buy it on top that's a better system and then nothing changes, but I don't think structured it brilliantly out here or maybe they've been uh against it, trying to explain it to Americans 'cause. I listen to people on the radio all the time who are just like who sound or to me they say
like they working class people who kind of and they're like I don't want this healthcare. These healthcare is going to any like what you don't want. What yeah. I want to like the whole fact that these companies, won't cover existing conditions? If you have, the child is born with AIDS or whatever. Now that's a very exact thing, I've just said, but of course someone they should have healthcare exactly exactly well. There should be certain core things that society takes care of. They should be The law enforcement there should be hospitals to be fire department when those core things are not being taken care of. If you do health care for cheap for people. I mean the what what what's the point in having a society like? What? If you can't, if you can't give these people the need to heal themselves, I mean who is not like one of the major things you would want to take care of and if it was as on constitution, but in the
institutional watt. Well, it was written when Healthcare was shit, fucking, doing chicken bones, fucking, even band AIDS, how 'bout that they didn't have band aids. They didn't have sticky shit, yet leach it was very very in that people thought you'd heal. They didn't know enough about bodies, but in The whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the constitution, the World is so fucking radically different than it was in the 1700s, and the idea is just fucking stupid. It's just a stupid idea. That constitution has some great ideas in a great understanding of what goes wrong when corrupt and it takes all ten commandments, it's a good foundation in a base, but then you can add to it. And then you know what did Louis CK say that there's no, the the ten commandments, don't say you can't rave, it. Will rape is kind of tolerated in the Bible? No matter second class citizens in the Bible, it's so clearly flavored
by the time in which people uh wrote it, you know, there's a lot of fucking shit in the Bible. When we talk about covering their wives, neighbor yeah, that's not about fucking are wanting to fuck. Are it's about she's property? that's what it is covering? It's like taking his property, it's not like covering his wife, you know because they are in love and you can fuck up their gig bison over it. It's bigger like covered I put on there. I don't have a great rest of the english language. I don't think most people do I'll bring the neighbors. Wife, though, is about him being you know him owning her. Yeah slaves is so they they have all these laws about in the Bible about be senior slaves, it's all written about where the guy was within a five mile radius, the the the the is that there is a website could ask. Although some of the little kids can topping and the most last question: ask God is that this is what kids brains work like
kids, wanna know where there kangaroos on the Ark right after they hear all the stories a child can get the bottle down to this is the information I want work. The kangaroos in the Ark is the most last question and the answer is, although they no mention of kangaroos in the Bible, you can be assured, because there was two of each animal that they were kangaroos on. There they just decided to leave it out, because not a lot of Australians read the Bible. You know they just left it out because they didn't fucking know about Australia, God, my God made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff, and he did it in like a week but AZ didn't know about us dry, at least not to mention these book. The australian thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's always animals are specific to Australia. Yeah like the gang real it those mother on anywhere else. No, I will I'm glad they that way. I'm wall mats on the and when Noah finished, when
the water was going down or when the water was receding like to where it is now, did he go drop everyone off at the different places. Did there may be all these animals were rocking around whatever the town that he was in? They all lived in this one town, and then you know this is all the animals we got left that you all got Australia, y'all got Australia, Polybase you're going to be on this bike for a Wall Lourdes Africa must have decided right. Is there been in the Bible where he decides Norman, this? They all walked and they found their spots on the world. Yeah. How how do they make it to Australia, the God provided them walking on water abilities? They gave him those big shoes that you have on holidays, that you think of good when you're going to walk on walk on water, tennis, racket, shoes, yeah, Those are snowshoes. They you need those men if you actually go walking in snow. If you ever watch any of those Alaska shows where people
live in a sense you from sinking yeah. They have these giant like sort of like net looking shoes, you walk around on those fucking things, and it keeps you from it- is that your weight over a large period large space keeps you from like. If you were on pegs walking through the it will be a real fucking pain in the ass stilts would be no like you, don't want a wide tire when you drive it in the snow. A lot of people think that you don't get more traction. If you had a wide tire it yeah, you actually want a more narrow tire, because the narrow tire cuts through the snow, the big wide tires tend to float on it, because there's more weight is distributed over a larger patch, a larger contact patch. I don't really understand this. No I find but we'd. Whenever I go play gig like I was just in this week's in Milwaukee and Detroit, it was snowing in both places and I'm there in the snow, and I feel like telling the people you know you're allowed to live anywhere in America, your city,
then you can leave it anyway. You live in Hawaii anyway, you want people shoveling out the fucking driveway. It seems like madness to me. It it's kind of madness, but there's a certain type of person that grows up around snow. That's a heartier person, I underst canadians you're there. I I like to hunt niece and I like to cut down trees and yeah. I make my own syrup, yeah yeah. I like that. I'm gonna put a tap in that tree over there get syrup out of it all right Jody so, but I don't understand like if If you live in the city, let's say if you have apartment in the middle of one of these cities? Right, if you want to. In a big house in the hills and be like in the woods, I've brought you some elk right. That's why I'm talking about yeah I understand that, but I don't why well, I live in New York City and I don't understand- and I also don't understand why. Let's say you have a shitty job like you're, the guy in a booth that cuts case right and you fix.
Heels and shoes I've never understood why those two occupations are bound together. Yeah they together, yeah. It's always the shoe hip. Fixing guy also will cut keys. I know, if that's true, that is, you know, is everywhere. No, you know what the mailbox I go, there's a like! A! U p S place that I sent packages out of they also make keys yet Keys keys have attached themselves to other occupation. He catches over Keystore have a key store. You gotta go make keys and donut. I never knew that the shoe shoe guy is inherently mixed in with the key go. I understand the key guy when he's when he's hanging out with the guy put batteries in watches,
that's enough to fucking sign the sign for sale on Ebay. It's four key key issue, which is that and ship it to Jim Jeffries Shoop is a pain, key cutting. That's the thing pop, please purchase dance, two thousand nine hundred and ninety nine twenty first I'll. Have it shipped. Thank you. I love that. I put that in my gymnasium say they have those good Kay and if you do that, job and you're doing you fix a heel for five ten dollars and you do it k for three dollars and you sit in a booth que in into an Why did that in Manhattan? What don't you from the guy. Does that in like Kansas? bill in Manhattan and now? But you can live anywhere, you're, not making a lot of money with that key business enough. Stock, pile up your cash, the range and replace get a new house? So if all your shirt there yeah, but it's uh, A big investment to move see the big problem with moving is you need three months where the rent
first last and security- that's a lot of fucking money. You also need the moving truck. You also need the time or still walking every year. I just give away on much shit. Do you, library, to the England Guy was shit? I moved great. America gave wife fucking everything yeah, but you're a successful comic. There's a difference. You make a good living every week. That's do you need to do your job is minimal. I mean what do you need? You need to know, but well, when I moved to Britain, I was flat broke and then we I moved over here actually was getting as getting sued by paramount when I moved over here and I basically clean at my bank account as well. Well, he answered, I had a total loss for d v d deal with Paramount Davey Days. U k I can speak about is the it's been so long. I think of the statue of whatever uh. Maybe not, I don't give a fuck, so so I had. I had four dvd deal an I had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops that I said I'm going to make one to sell out the gigs. So
is down really on the cheap and it's called contraband which is sort of a cool name for it, because it wasn't in shops, and I throw stuff right and. What happened was I, after I made that I just started to get proper in the UK, and they released this into the shops are already wasn't happy with him 'cause. It was a really shitty product, really basic. Looking crap product anyway. I come over here. So I got that dvd in the shops over there, I'm doing very well in Britain. Uh do well at the end of festival, auto stuff and had a profile now. He came over here. I got my HBO special and I went back good news. Everyone. I got an HBO special, I'm going to make it in America now as well, and the lady that was the executive was like talking to a fucking child. It was she was like, but you still got a three dvd deal with us and I'm going yeah. But let me do this one. Then then it's not selling product in America I'll do the next three with you you've all got me for a cheap right. Let me do this one in America, the rose by Brian, she goes, but you,
Do that. You your deals with us, and so I went, I'm do in the HBO special Sumi and so they they they sued me for the advance money. They gave me for the four and then um, how much advance they give you, but don't tell you ninety thousand, and so you had to give him back or which is like, which is like one hundred and fifty thousand american. It was, you know, a lot of money, and I had to give him back that plus plus money that we want to be less than that. Anyway. I had to give him that plus money that they'd spent on me. So it's like another twenty thousand whatever, and so I said alright. For that I said you have to take contraband off the shelves cause. I never liked that one. So I got that dvd pulled from the shops, and I did a lot of jokes of that. One were in my HBO special as well, but I got out the best thing I ever did because I've now had three more deals since then to do Dv Ds afterwards it was the best thing ever getting sued by those people, but the time I had the
much money minus ten grand in my bank account and was like, and I felt like guys the richest guy in the world. I, like one hundred thousand pounds in my bank. I felt like I'm sitting pretty. And then I'm going to move to America and then I was fucking broke man. They took it all the bastards. Well, it sounds like they were right. You had a deal on a. Unfortunately, fundamentally they were right, yeah, but I could have made a lot more money out of me if they just. Let me up to do this one special yeah, but they wouldn't trust you to do that, because if you went and did that you do, you see they're, not making any money off that HBO thing, no, the only way to get, but I would have gotten alcoholic us roughly functionally one about the record yeah but they would never they know. Even you would stay alive. They give you this age, especially get hit by a meteor. You know all I know is there was one of the executives that were working for prime at who agreed with me and one of them who didn't and those two executives were fight. I think one of the execs actually left
yeah, I went to a different guy, went to work with signing or something because he was like. I can't this is just stupid. This should be a way to work. I was the first british spies comic in I I can even think of another woman. Let's say in a very long time to get a maid break in America to and I should be a special order. Showtime special in America that, like Blake, I'm partial Billy, Connelly's, probably done one yeah eddie- is odds always produces on top of stuff, but I was the first british Guide to british by sky to have that sort of thing and there was no way I wasn't going to fucking. Do it course? So I just- get out of my contract and got sued You know, I'm not angry about to this day. I feel like it worked out better for me, but at the time I was like someone punched me in the guts when you give over all that money you like. Still, though you get rid of all your stuff you're, still a successful comic you still in then I still, I still think I'd for the itemized ride money coming in now it wasn't, it wasn't super difficult. Yeah.
So what I'm saying this is a lot harder for a guy was making keys yeah case she guy. If you really stop and think about a guy who has like a real low paying job and the idea of saving money and Do you always say hearing out doesn't exist, saving money? I was reading about this general. The eat you heard this case about this general to he got sued for sexual harassment or for sexual. This conduct adultery, apparently illegal in the armed forces. That's how they! Patrias Patrias got kicked out because of adultery right, which is pretty fucking unbelievable when you think about you're allowed to kill people, but you're not allowed to fuck someone other than your wife, like that, kick you out of the army for that, like ok, so that seems a little preachy but yeah, but they fact about how much this guy, how much you making and you find out how much like a general makes like they were talking about. It was four thousand dollars a month or five thousand dollars a month for four months. They took his money away like he didn't get paid for four months, while try what's going on, I really fun and amazing when you find out how much the presidents yeah one slash four of a million yeah.
Well, I think it's a lot more now. Now things like half no for for the president, but I and I know is it John, you Know- is that they are in less than the stage hands at Carnegie Hall. While, oh are you serious, I do kind of the stage hands at Carnegie Hall or Union based, and you can pass the job onto your children and two third, the stage hands it kind of holes like it's like the fact that they was giving pop quizzes own more than the President wow. In two thousand and one the president earned four hundred thousand dollars along with fifty thousand dollars annual expense account one hundred thousand dollars. Nontaxable travel account. Now. How much is it today in twenty fourteen to Ok, it's still four hundred gram, plus three Ipad. Yeah Easter beats trial account you always get an upgrade on Delta, the total salaries five hundred and fifty per year, with an entertaining in stipend, here's a two twenty thousand dollar entertainments type- and that means he gay
to have Jay Z. Come over sing a song another one he likes. I don't think that's what it is. I think it means like for his entertainment like money, he spends things on two, Twenty thousand dollars a year, which I guess over the core there's so many days? Fifty? Well, it's probably dinner and stuff like that, hot. Probably I thought he didn't pay for anything. I thought he just had a corporate card where you could buy anything and it was on us. You know, but he hasn't expense account, there's an annual expense but it doesn't say how much it is, but it says it in one thousand: nine hundred and sixty nine Nixon made two hundred thousand dollars, which is over a million today in today's dollars, so no per year so? This is his salary was next minor, giving himself a raise of that can yeah. He was a crook ahead. Yeah said he wasn't. Oh, he was definitely a crook shit. But everybody was a piece of shit back then he was just one guys get caught there a whole series of pieces of shits. What is this
this is the interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that 'cause. He thinks that NSA spying on him, so he only uses postal mail wow. Well now that he told them that they're going to intercept is posted Middle read it printed really say it is retarded, of course, this flying ships- you old, cunt 'cause. This isn't. How do you season Ex president right across that? He doesn't even know how to use a computer? Let's be honest, he probably knows how to use a computer is pretty smart, guys any opinion farmer, yeah peanut at a certain point in time I think kind of everybody who's paying attention knows how to use it. In this day and age mean this wrong, the worst at it, but I can still a mile and you're better than DOM Irrera, even Tom Barrera should get together, decide who's the worst 'cause I say dumb, fucking beats you hand now now I can. I can use Netflix and mile and I can look at things and update my web pages and stuff. That's like,
but I was the worst for years and years and years and then I always used to look at like kids with computers and things look at these fucking potentials. Can parents given that kid in Ipad, when I did have an ipad? You know I mean and now it is gave my sign new. Sixteen months I gave I got, I got a new Ipad and I gave him my old one. They love am and I love them, but also it's like you have to the the well. Is their computers sigh this big soon he gets his hand on a computer and is fiddling with the computer. The better ones also there's connections are made is a bunch of games that kids can play on. I pads that are actually good for your brain that they're making connections. They figure out how to do puzzles. They figured out a key. I don't think there's like a series of educational games that kids fucking love my year old steals my phone every time I leave it down. She will open it and start going out. She knows how to open my phone she's fucking three. She swipes it and enters in the code. She knows my code is goes right to the app she wants and starts playing these games at a lot of them are fucking really they're, really good. For the brain. Well,
My son's favorite game is a cat that repeats what he says. Well, that's fun wants to my three year old likes to do one where she gives many patties to dogs yeah. There's a lot of dressing things up like this one, like my son, just looks out and goes right back into many things. He laughs this is, It's weird as a comedian and someone who is being terrible at sports are entire life. I see a lot of people with dad when they like looking through the bowl. You just threw the ball. I and literally with my son go. He knows that's funny. Yeah like I was proud in the same way that a sporty dad who sees the sun kick a goal. I was proud. I saw my son he lifted up when I asked cheek he far did and then he laughed
and I was like he's developing. He knows what's good. He knows the good bit. My three year old runs over parts, her butt, cheeks and farts. In my face in my face rod, naked ass right out of the tub, runs over bends over in front of me and farts in my face and then fucking cries laughing. She thinks it's. Funniest shit. No, I think it's hilarious, how you get mad. I did so cute. I need something with my son that I think may be illegal right. You know when you do something like I might have committed a crime. Would you do well, I I'm in the shower, as I do every morning, and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower 'cause. He wakes up about an hour and a half before I do, because he wakes up early and mom takes care of him in the morning. Now he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door and what I do is because I'm a adorable guy, I always like pain a little like in the condensation. I draw a little Thai on him or I give
the voice bubble and then say I love dad or something like. I did this little game and he and anyway so step out and I good morning Hank and he slapped my cock and he ran off. Why is that illegal, where you child, touching your cock right now, I know like I did ask him to touch my cock also is it illegal because I laughed and then told you like it's point of my dick and laugh I have three year olds like penis. She thinks it's hilarious runs off right. There penises are humorous, sure vaginas are humorous to both of 'em. Right. My son now is at the stage where loves holding his cock. Just hold on found out about it pinches Yankees design he's got. I don't know, I haven't, got a lot of baby cocks, the reference it against. I think my son has a small cock, but it's
he grows around. I think he is nice direction, but I don't yeah. I think he has a very erections at sixteen months. I have erections from day one wow like. Sometimes you wake you up in the morning to take his nappy offer good he's got a in there and it will be used, as should governor action, all that's a weird connection and a good name for a bit and probably take it is probably a website, but it it's. It is yeah. He gets like a little tiny woody and I always think what is going on in his head, where he is wanted or needed direction. What was the dream that he had last night, the dreams that I'm having when I wake up with an erection. What are the ones that like is that you know that cats buying suggestive things of the Ipad. What is probably just blood in his deck, Dick big or it's long sing for something that he you know. I don't know you ever get boners when you drive in for no apparent reason, not even horny. I have yes, I have those are weird
so those are like pulls up in your dick boners. Sometimes you go to have sex and you gotta fucking work at a bit to get it going and then, like others, have you ever done that one we masturbate in the car driving yeah right he's been stuck in traffic and then I I was alright with that in Britain, but too many people in this town Drive Suv's Mmhm. I drive, I drive a commit, I a challenger on low down. Well, I get seen by a lot of people windows now yeah all right, good to stop white. He in my car or just get one of those things that women use when the breast feed in public is jerk off on to that yeah I get a quilt yeah I found out. The best thing to do is to plug my phone into the ipod connection and then play ponent 'cause then I'll get with before everything surround sound porn in like a that's a good So do you like hold it with one hand and steer with like the last thing I know, but you have to be in traffic, so I'm not doing that much dear and how often you beating off in your car,
this is only the last five years. I now have three times this is happened. It's not like I'm not going to do it like right now, so like hobby. This is like I've just been somewhere. There's some girls got me going, I'm in a bit of frenzy or I've just had a right with my girlfriend, I'm in a bit of a bad moon. I need to cheer myself up everything I own read off once in my car ever and it was when I was driving limos. I was driving home from a gig I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire driveway, the fuck up to New Hampshire's long ride back in an hour and a half back. I got bored so I beat off and I remember the fucking massive feeling of disappointment in myself that I jerked off because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt. As soon as that camels, like God, damn it is going to be a thing. I do all the time now and I never did it again. I was shot good for their restraint, but it never came up. I never wanted to do it again, but I'm shocked these are figured I'm such a fucking idiot once I do so,
an embarrassing like that. I'm like well. This is something I do now. This is not going to be, I'm not going to like I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling at fuck. Me, daddy, fuck me right, and I kind of went hey. What do you call me TED like this for and then I slightly enjoyed is sighing it I went dark. I don't need that to be a thing yeah. I think that thing for me because then I'm fucked up, but I gotta ask other people to do it and then we're in a real fucking predicament. When I was in Boston, I was I used to bang this really crazy portuguese chick she's to call her pussy at con. It was the first drought ever ever heard say that she's, like fucked up, can't contact with like angry about it I hope I don't start liking. This that's going to be hard to get someone else to agree to gals. It's hard when you've got a thing and you've got
ask you killed to do that thing I for awhile there. I love choking girls. While I was fucking him for awhile, I'm not as chokies I used to be, but I used to be I used to be. I used to be very fucking head around the neck pinion down. While I was fucking right and some girls, and because I was dating a girl who got off and doing that right, and that was that's. Why going into it was. This is how I made is. Then you made 'cause they don't want you to do that. But then I met one girl who I was charging and then you know not checking the whole time right and then stop then she's thought of thought uh? This is what we're doing is it. She started choking me and I'm like don't do that, though feels horrible. I don't know how bad it feels being women, but it really hurts my mail Nick the choke. One thing is it's weird. It's just like one of those things where some ' people love it in some people hate it and you never fucking know until it comes up. You know you could native grill and have no idea she likes to be choked like the
first girl I ever dated it like to be choked, was so girly yeah. She was like so like you would never. She was wasn't loud. She always wore dresses she what she wasn't like boisterous or you know provocative or slutty Suresh, your girl and she fucking loved she asked me to choke her, and I was like what do you mean choke you like? How do you mean choke you? She was just grab my neck, while you're fucking me, I'm like ok, hard. You want me to hurt you like what's going on here and then, if you thought about went to another girl. They would freak out like it's weird. What like one person, was their big turn on and another person it's uh. Something is bad when you bring the choke into a girl who doesn't want it, it's always bad. Thank God. I was with a girl that in iron deficiency and every time she would want me to choke or the next day. She would just have like these horrible bruises around her neck, and she just would have to like, where, like turtlenecks and stuff, but it look like if I ever got in trouble, I'm fucked
Diagnose is an anemic which really yeah, which is doesn't do you eat a lot of red meat. I do a basic. The ever take iron supplements I'm going to stop on on supplements of their attention yeah. Well, I I need, I think a dog has like three days ago, actually going to the doctor again thirty minutes for the second check on this. You know you are you still smoke. Cigarettes are probably as a factor into yet night out, yeah cigarettes. I think I think that's one sent. Is that what is any make? Yet? Just how you can't you don't slow hemoglobin in your blood? They did a blood test is the hit him a glove Globe in Cleburne, yeah, hemoglobin, hemoglobin, oxygen yeah I'm not hugely and a mic yeah, but I'm there's a link, I'm a little bit uh yeah, There's a pub med study on it. The effects of cigarette smoking on, globin levels and anemia screening yeah. I see
just cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve, which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia. So it your body, doesn't detect an email, so it doesn't competent as much. Also I'm I'm I'm a super pale guy uh and that's when you see super pale, people is often their name. I think I'm anemic. I know you guys always cigarettes mandible than this, but at least I was just born, like mom hi, for a pile family with this pie, but one of the things I hate about being pale is seems like one of the few things in society about a way of human being. Looks that people in society you could just pass fucking judgment yeah with like not act like there being cunts. Yeah they can make fun of you yeah. If you see some of the big nose and you go fuck, you got a big nose. People go woah, please. Well yeah, but you
They all have all that people who actors on my fucking show, who I'm employing, who want to be more fucking episodes go fuck your pale man fuck, you So I need you get offended by that for real. I know you find a reason to say hi. No, I do get offended by in the sense that it doesn't bother me person, pile right. It bothers me when people bring it up, I don't mind. Looking pow, I even dislike identified as she once was a red shorts and the lady for good brands are all. I mean the whole photo shoots ruined because I'd look to brown. It doesn't suit me, you can't let them with the with the make up and tanning. What is that Channing? It that's a you. Yeah, I I I took a selfie in a tanning booth. I did the gay itself, you ever look, I guess you have a cock in your mouth or your outside in my hand, I tried to. I tried my whole life to sign Bacon that Annan to get darker all through high school when it did affect me when I did not like the way I looked on wasn't
but I wasn't at ease with the wire look. Oh, I see so there's a residual thing when someone is making fun of you saying, you're pale it used to be. That is the call me Casper at school and stuff like that and it. When did black people like not I'm your dark like used to know a guy really well to pull down. The whole world wants to be like a coffee, color because all of us white people are trying to like get Daca and then the really black people. Now it's very common to them bleach their skin, the bleach it down a bit. I don't want to be super black. Is it really yeah? There was a thing I was watching it on some tonight. Show that this lady bleaching, it kids 'cause. She didn't want him to have a super super black. They want it all be Beyonc Brown V, say brand, I think, is that type of paint that you get that I'm David. I want some Beyonc Brown. They want to be Beyonc sort of that Whitney Houston sort of color and white people want to be dark and we all want to meet in this one sort of middle range, Mexican
yeah, there's a there's, a nutritional supplement that allows people to bleach their skin. It's something that's been really popular in the Philippines fuck is this stuff called there's a there's: There's an actual like nutritional supplement that people take then the injected. Apparently it's it's gained popular in the Philippines. For some stray will you even look like the movie stars are always sort of like a more milky black and then when you have like a girl who's that girl out of Africa. I think she's in Africa and she's british is going out of twelve years a slave on and see that, but she got nominated for the Oscar in order to upgrade, if Aj Great Yet- and she was- she was amazing it, but now they were they were talking about like how liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like you know like she. She had afro, he type of hair like showdown and she wasn't trying to look like
white, chick or something you know what I mean right. The fashion people were going that we really like this. Now. I think where I need. Maybe you see if I was black, I don't understand women who do the. If I was back, I would be afro all day. I would be like Jackson, five tot. I know I was whenever you see a chick with that hairdo. It's always like fucking, look at foxy chicks, always a big turn from turn on. For me, a lot of a chick with an afro. It was big in the seventies girls town that Foxy Brown had it right. Yeah when you see like the chick, is like I'm a member of the black Panthers and they got the big bucket afro you like it. Take me down. Who is the white Man choke Maine glutathione? Is it I couldn't remember it glutathione, they uh they take injections to this shit or they rub it on our skin. I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but maybe both but Luthien apparently makes your skin lightening. That's it. I tell you wanna, look at that after that, but the problem
that's on her asshole too yeah should have a big hairy hole thing between the legs. Hairy count is the worst thing in the world. I really used to be. Did you see problem at all hi Amber yeah, but I there was a girl. There was a guy. I forget our island, who is one of the best looking girls. I am a light on his own and she's at a gig, and I was like single and young in my 20s and I might like I'm gonna get that girl right and I was going on for three days and I romanced this girl. From the moment I met. I took out the lunch next day and then dinner and everything and took it to another, show invited friends. I work there right and it's very hard Fucking are, is chicken. This chick was about nineteen, it's hard to fucking hours check yet, they've got it they're all going to catholic schools. They all have this cloud of sex is evil over them. They didn't have playboy into them. But in 1990s well right, it's a pre. He repressed all sexual society, the island anyway. So I
I can got these go she's a little bit like she wasn't out for, but I convinced there and said I'm gonna get coming in London and hang out me- and I was like this- is like my girlfriend now on it and then it what what what was like two three one thousand and four in like a fucking, a full length, wild bush- and I, growing up in this error of not really saying- and I was just almost- if I did fuck it by all I couldn't it- was so horrific. I still have flashbacks of it right now, as I'm saying, and I can see it- it was menacing here, the total complete opposite? When I was in high school? I was dating this girl dating, like you know. We date we go on and off and you know didn't you know in the on and off. She is banging this other guy who told to shave your pussy so she came over my house and we how to get it like. I can. I can take my pants off and I go why, because I think I'm a whore and I go why why I think your whore like she goes whatever the guys name is. He talked me to shave my pussy
and I'm so in Paris and, like I, don't give a fuck like what do I care now that you soaring friend out? Well, I didn't care, no, not at all all right, I I was a but but she was scared that I was going to see her. We shaved the complete opposite. It's the only way to go, but this is like one thousand nine hundred and eighty whatever the hell it was. I was if I want a weird when there's there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you and like. Why would men want to have text with like a shaved. Pussy like it must be like having sex with like a child. Then you, like is the weakest argument. You could fucking, then why? Then you should only kiss men was bids. You kissing many shave his face with you kissing a young boy, Liz straight you fucking pedophile, go out with a fucking muslim count with a beard where your happiest right, it's actually
Did you know that pederast is someone who actually have sex with children on a rough pedophile, pederast pederast, that's a good spot for a pet? pedophile someone who's attracted pederast is someone who has sex with them, but not attractive yeah. They just do it because it's fine, it's a very good analogy, though the beard analogy and the Bush analogy some. I just don't want to do anything that they don't want to do anything that, like is society standard like a woman, doesn't want to have to agree like. Why? Should I shave my pussy? Why should I have to? someone there like that like what, because it's in porn is that what it is 'cause, that's what Is it it's one, eight one it might be because in porn, but it's also because once a man's used one of those sites, even ones, it's a lot more enjoyable than the course. This of the I remember
fucking hairy pussies and having my cockle baiting up after looks like it's being fucking ripped through a brillo pad the last one I had, which is way back in, 90s the last girl with a crazy wild bush. It's like my dick, I don't rub draw was horrible. It was like fucking, a Brillo pad it shouldn't, be it shouldn't, be a fucking like DOW, and I show I'm sure you could explain it well, we have hairy nuts and balls up, but pubic hair. You die out, they reckon crab. Is dying out because of the shaving pussy that it's on the decline, because it can't be passed so easily, but it you know it's on the rise in hipster beards that's where they live now they just jump from one paps blue ribbon candy. The next know that The cooler is this Christ. I hate hipsters now call themselves nerds they do yeah, it's
so it's like even like case I'm doing. I got nothing, I'm doing the Nerdist Podcast saying. Oh, I like those guys Chris Hardwick's, a nice bloke, so nice guy, not a nerd, now he's a handsome guy with very good structure, had and I would like a model girlfriend, I know know, know, know paying interest in star. Wars does not make you fucking good. Having hobbies want to know where it is yeah, we are symmetrical face. Yet, with you know what I know it is. I know it is a person who cannot hold down a conversation. Thank Look a woman in the eye. That's a fucking nerd man, yeah yeah, you or just Napoleon dynamite. Polian dynamite? Isn't it even the guys uh of the Big bang theory they real now these, like girls, going girls wearing I heart, nerds, really really a guy with a club foot in and
and flaky skin around his face is this: are you hot? Is it guy? Would food stuck in his braces, naturally yeah? Who is a little bit autistic and that's? Why he's good at school, but not everything else yeah you like that, especially like how dare you know you, you, like you like, wearing a fucking backpack that it's like Elmo, that's what you enjoy dollar you like hello, kitty stickers on your Iphone yeah yeah, you like nerds, you see like a girl that would be like I'm a nerd and she's wearing perfect pig, doesn't glasses, giant fake tits yeah, I'm like you're a fucking, a fuck machine that Sakura Urucum Deposit Ori. That's hardly a nerd. I remember not wanting to fuck nerds because they were nerds. Why have a sudden is the nerd culture becomes so FUCK Obel well,
and people are just always trying to be a part of a fucking group, whether it's be hipsters, be nerds, be whatever they just had a larger in school. I don't have any friends, but I wouldn't classify myself as a nerd. How could you have friends I had problem is making friends in the main problem have now that I I, when I look back on it yeah, I wasn't good at sport bit of it dick as well with no way little bit to talk at all. It's probably talked a little bit too much, but I should shut up. You know it might have been irritating, but I think my main problem was because I I found it very easy, make friends after school. Once I got out of school, I found it very easy to make friends in university. I made friends very easily. My mother was a school teacher at my school in Christ, not just a single take
with a three hundred school teacher that yelled at everybody that walked around with a cow, so you got it at school and at home, ohmygod school must have been fucking. Torture goal is not a fun time. Oh my god. I remember when I went to university like actually enjoying this whole wow, where all this fucking yeah and like girls liking me and shit I'm like. Ah, this is what it's like when your mother isn't within five feet of you all the time. Oh yeah, that's a big difference, though that's a terrible situation. You got your mother who's, telling your older brother to kick your fucking ass and then you get to school and she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the country teacher that yells at everybody, not any friends. I had a cop, a friend Cisco, but they never wanted to come over to the house. Yeah I mean like. It was a very hard sell. When are you coming to my house?
Let's just go to the woods: go hang out with the wallabies it's going at the Bush yeah, but when you are finished, but a foot fetish yeah, No wonder I just wondered if you had any like mom type sexual emamzadeh foot about a foot fetish people have mom really yeah, because they're they're good yeah, because as a young kid your, I see your mom your speech, your mom's feet, yeah, but I I I just like my mother yeah. That's why I say: if you had some when I I is, she is she's arise your right now you you, I find you, I get a lot more. I I I like my mother. More now that I've had a child, because she's proven herself to be a good grandmother but uh, but she was fucking hard work right. I used to say to. I said: why did you make We go to the same school that you were teaching. It was nice nearby school and she goes well. I was there first and like you competing with your fucking let's go teach at the school over the road is there was a little girls
just down the street. I don't care if you teach with school within a half a mile of where I am when I was there yeah. I was at first, but she just like to. I keep an artist constantly. Very dominating childhood, look. Look how you turned out you flung the other way. That's how it I mean What we're talking about. Are you having a hard time setting up in school and being a bit of a deck? All those things are perfect for being a comedian yeah, the committee, a bit of a deck and talks a little too much. That's the guy, I was gonna, say the funny first yeah right. I I in you know words we need now is a guy back to Sydney and all hello, guys I went to school with who they probably didn't. Think that bullying me, but who I felt bullied by, for whatever reason dial com as a group to my shows, and they, like make me backstage and they say I'm happy that I have to hold grudges. They good guys. You know I mean, but they weren't, my my. It's cool. I don't remember them. I think his bully
at school for the same reason so that'll yeah. Well, this it's it's it's a natural instinct and they get shitty parent thing. I think that's a lot of where it comes from yeah we get bullied at home. It becomes a natural. Part of how we behave. You get bullied by your brothers, get bullied by your dad to get bullied by your uncles and then the just opportunity you get to shit on somebody. You do it's a lot of. It is kid to grow up, associating other people with competition and abuse and they disassociate it in a negative way. It was uh the beer I found. What about the whole thing was factly guys I just wanted cheeks to like me. Well, that's why you got into comedy right, yeah. Well, I got in the car, but also I actually did pretty good with girls in high school. I I look back on now photos of May one thousand six hundred and seventy is a good looking kid. I didn't think it at the time, but I look back on it. I wasn't bad looking at that age. I did good in high school, but then after high school I went through a fucking, terrible drought that did
didn't go away until I became a comic, oh no, I did I bet she's well high school in university really, but I was getting the today at my school it was always There goes, I see all the schools find out their parties were happening to get laid out. The girls that knew you was a problem yeah. Yeah if you'd Spain, if you spend more than ten minutes with me, you won't fucking me, but if I could, if I can meet you at a party where the music was too loud, that I couldn't boy with conversation, there was a good show, but I have sex with you. I didn't get laid at all in college and the reason being. Is I took a year off after high school and then went to Umass Boston, which is like commuting high school? It was not a high school where you are not a college. Rather community college was college. Where you go and stay there, you would would live somewhere else. You know and then you would go and take classes there. So everybody was
working an. I was a loser. You know I didn't have anything going on. I was, I was a martial arts champion, but I was I was poor and I was teaching martial arts and I was trying to the only reason why I was going to school at all. Most of the people didn't think I was an idiot. I I I studied musical theater. Did you yeah? So you got a bang actresses It was the best it was. It was like they only took twenty kids a year into the course three thousand people auditioned well I was like a very prestigious thing. Was the same course of Hugh Jackman did
there was an acting paper? I could not good enough, so I gone there kissing a beach like on the musical theater thing, he's saying that I could back in the day, yeah you sing. Now! No, are you lying about what now the sound track to legit I'll? Tell you I'll tell you something about me. You might not know it. It's a little fact about me by saying I sing twice in the strain opera in the course really has employed a pursing a. Why, like what kind of like what it became a little, I was ACE. I wasn't I've had I've had vocal nodules ahead surgeon, my voice account some are over, I'm I'm not my! picking up, though I I sign Charles Gounod's, Romeo and Juliet Ann Wagner's, the flying Dutchman's course. What are vocal, nodules polyps on your vocal cords. Basically callous is from smoking. Coke yelling is mostly from yelling from bashing. Together they get callous is so you can actually get your vocal cords close enough together. They make high sounds because there's always a gap in him from these little things, so it makes you a man take noodles. Fucking man is what it is
yeah. Well, I guess course yeah John Wayne's voice came from exactly it's like these, these gristle comedians of yelled and Steidle Times, because they they discovered, like that. You know what I this parody like RON White, Bobby Slayton polyped up, I'm telling you that guys, vocal cords are just just nodule on nodule, I'm telling you he might have had vocal surgery. If I'm, I might be wrong but I've. I've heard of comedians and I've had that before it's more than what I yeah I had this before. I was committing try to save the singing career, so you had surgery on the politics yeah yeah, so they shaved down the calluses. Wouldn't couldn't talk for couldn't talk for two months, all my God to months, yeah just riding on a fucking pad. Oh that was well. That was when I thought this job I'm going to get these back boo, to party too much, and then I thought I've got no other skills. I got no other skills in the fucking world
and I decided I always wanted to be a comedian, but it wasn't a job that my parents would never let me do or it won't. Let you do that. He said it was. My parents were happy with the musical theatre 'cause they saw my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more likely die and then the whole thing, but I decided I was going to be convenient in that two months. Where I couldn't talk, and I was like a secret that I had to myself like, I can awesome and I I'd already. I was always like checking out work where the open mikes were, and how is I started watching a lot of stand up the videos and- and that's what I did you know, living by myself, not talking for a couple of months. That's fucking awesome, and what was it talk about before with the great thing about the course, though? The ten boys? Ten girls. Uh- and there was two to two years above us- is three years, so there was. There was like ninety people in the whole sort of department half
eighty percent of the men would die right in the course that study musical theatre. So we white guy guys and two heterosexuals. All the women were fucking hot, as fuck will like like being dancing since our kid, and just seeing and fucking that I would just we're all like twenty. It was the This thing Is the reasonable looking fucking heterosexual guy? It was fantastic now, and the main girls in the course was a girl called. Chantelle Barry in Chantele was going, the one that we were all like, she's going to be a star. She was stunning, you can look it up in the next year is fucking stunning sing better than everyone else. She she she had. Everything is go right
and then they brought out the first version of like pop bottle or american idol or whatever that that it was done. The strife first, it was cold, I'm making the band or whatever real day they this I was actually New Zealand, but then, but then they might. This girl band called Bardo were all the bill came in and auditioned to be in this go back and the girl that I was at university. She went through this audition for this tv show she got in the back they played it over weeks and weeks and weeks. They have cameras in the house. It was the first reality big reality show ever where we, watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there practice. This is real. It was like a very this she's day. Anyway, so I used to stay behind her stretching in dance class every and just fuck it just all I wanted was to have sex with this young lady never happened right so anyway, so she gets in this band and she
He steals the story, guys she stills on a ten or twenty dollars out of one of the other girls who are in the band's bag and she gets caught this fucking cameras everywhere. So she's got this, you're, pretty everyone else who is in this band is gone on to big things like Sophie monkeys. The model out here dated Ryan Seacrest, for while she was one of the other girls in the band and now does big modeling in his movies and shit right. So she still gets, kicked out of the fucking band right. So over So she moves over she's, bad press in Australia, they're already slagging her off and what type of stuff she was sort of a friend and she, moved over to La- and I remember like looking at a myspace page, like wow she's made in LA shoes, backup singing for Lionel Richie or something right, hey girl, everything worked out for right cat. Two first season of legit. We need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl. Two right She comes into the audition, I went fucking other Shantyboat, she didn't wreck.
Does may or remember me at all, and I said I was your accent for me and then I started saying this suburb. She was from from about this and you have two older sisters. Yeah, you look like someone has two 'cause. I used to party to ask so So I know you got a butterfly tattoo, just above your ass, just as yeah and when are we away went to university together. Right and then she went. Oh did we fight and then I went alright give her the pot right, because I'm a good guy The pod had like one line and she came on set, and I think in that moment. This is how much of an asset must be. She remembered who I was from school when she came on, says he came and said she was like 'cause, Jim Jeffrey. My real last name is Nugent. I use my middle name as a stage name because of TED, not I just did Jim Jefferies, I'm better than Jim Nugent Jim Jefferies. You know I mean it was just it was
little tiny things are alliteration, you know right, and so she I wasn't going by my original name, so she had no reason there and then I sort of reminded I said: oh, we used to come over and your mom used to make this type of food and blah blah blah blah blah blah. I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't that. I had in tv show that she talk to the producer and went I've got food poisoning. I need to go home and just walked off the set. What didn't even do the job maybe she just got a little squirt. Maybe she had to leave. Will change the wait? Wait, wait, wait, wait! Really! Why didn't take? gig. So what makes you think that it's? Because of that? I just think it's. I just think people get fat can jealous man we all get jealous? I think she just was like fuck this cunt 'cause, I was the guy at university that you thought wouldn't make it all the other gay guys at abs type stuff, and I was like a bit of a doughy fucking marshmallow, looking kind. You could sing a little bit, he couldn't dance at all and was acting was pretty average, they always
kicked out like five people a year from the course like you're, not good enough. I left after I the nodules, and I always gotta- get kicked out anyway. That way already right on the cards I walked before I jump before I was pushed that can edited thing of show. Business is one of the weirdest aspects of it in and or sometimes even in relationships. I had a friend who got something in his girlfriend started crying when he got some part in some tv show and his girlfriend started crying because she's like well something going to happen main like that was her immediate reaction, and I remember thinking wow, I that yeah is about to happen to get rid of that, but that's very unattractive that compare good thing: yeah you kinda help a little bit with comedy it's very hard to, never have it with any other state college. There's always going to be one where you get that guy. But I I I found out now:
it's easier because I got a bit of success, but I don't give a shit well. I just worry about Maine. I don't give a fuck if someone's going to movie or something I don't give a fuck I just worry about Maine and then you know good guys. You know the bad guys and that's it, but when, in the early days it was more, I got more jealous at. Has that going at that? I've been trying to get into that club forever? That's just the frustration of not having made it yet and then once you have, and you got some success that goes away and then you can actually enjoy it for what it is. I think their successful people who are still fucking don't want any other country or any other are well there's a lot of successful people also that only work with terrible comedian so that they shine. Have you ever seen like a really good guy brings like the fucking worst guys ever on the road to open for torches the audience for one slash, two an hour The worst fucking shit stand up ever just to. Incumbent clean up the show and look like a hero, and that's really what it is. They don't want anybody to shine. That's a very we'd common
yeah, it's common, but yeah. I always saying I like is a chase the dream, not the competition, it's a good saying yeah, I mean because if you write about the competition you'll always feel it people who get angry at fucking, azizan. Sorry, look good at fucking, you know what I mean, who gets angry, trees plenty of comics to die. I think he deserves. What what does that mean? You know what is deserve it. These are raising. This is my thing. Well, when lock him or not you not a little tiny, indian bloke's little bit hip hop so at least the guys unique he's not stepping on your fucking toes I'm going another cunt like him in the comedy community. At zero something that people have. This idea that there's a finite amount of gigs is a finite amount of audience members and if Jim Jeffries,
comes big that takes away from Maine I've. Had people accused me of being like a foreigner coming over taking american jobs at Solarius? Who did that quite a few of comic, whose name means fuck down? Name name rock paper. You know anyone who cares. Name am so we don't ever know him talk, there's a radio station in Tampa that got into me about that. Oh my god. That's so sad that I'd come over and fucking American made me famous and blow. I actually look. I get back to America Madison my show employees over one hundred people and I've written Could you see? This is a recent thing. This area- and I was at my tv's- are boys over a hundred different people in different jobs. Right and then he went we'll
if you didn't do it in an American would do any like doesn't matter made, it is not true. I did it doesn't matter, but that's not true that that idea is not true. The idea that, if you didn't make that show someone else, would make that should be another show in its place or something I don't know who the fuck knows what it would be might not employ as many people it might not be a drama, it might be a reality. Show that employs very few people works. Nonunion, that that attitude so stupid It's also the whole immigrant thing: you get it. I got it in the UK as well, is we're all fucking immigrants. Exactly every United States is one hundred percent immigrants yeah one hundred percent immigrants or the children of immigrants. That's how this was made unless you're native American, they say. Eighty percent of all businesses in America now are the from Immigra.
All the sons and daughters, first generation immigrants, even if you're on native American, that means you came over on the Bering Strait. Your great great great great grandfather walked here from Asia when this happened any analogy. That's very first thing, a native american I mean unless you're talking about, they have a I consider word they have their dna combined, like Mexicans, is a lot of native Americans that had sex with Spaniards like way way way way back in the day, but when you would do when he Do the DNA chart of native Americans one of the things they found when they were researching there was a guy, was a mormon to Hardcore Mormon he's really rich guy, and he wanted to prove that Joseph Josephson it was correct and everything that he said in the Bible is true and that the native Americans were the lost tribe of Israel. So we mapped out the genome of the native Americans, it turns out there from Siberia. They came down. They walked when it was a solid landmass. They've got sort of Ai Siberia is that in Mongolia now well,
Siberia is Russia, Russia, sort of near it in the fact that the Mongols actually invaded are they in they invaded Russia, and so they go with geography of some of the world. I don't know anything well, it's all it's all. In the same I mean you wouldn't want to walk there, but I mean it's all in the same landmass so snow. It also fuck yeah, I bury Sox shoveling, their fucking driveways, but they're happy as shit wearing the tennis right. Well, I reckon the happiest place on earth. Is Denmark or something and it's like Pie's tax bracket? And you know that's because most contain people might be the happiest most content, people another in Denmark, because it gets fucking dark at three hundred and there's you don't even dream about being a famous movie star or musician is no entertainment, business that comes out of it. You have to good dreams that are nice low level in Denmark. So you never get crushed by the world the world. Never you never have a girlfriend going when's it going to happen for Maine. All you
These people sitting around Denmark going. Oh well, you know on Saturday we're going to have a drink. Aren't we so I'll see, see HANS. That will be fun. That's as much as you dreams get to Saturday having a beer with your body. You know it. You never get ahead. Of yourself There's a Werner Herzog documentary on Siberia called happy people life in the taiga. It's about all these people that live up there are virtually no mental illness lot of fucking really content. Happy people all they do is fish and trap and hunt is all they do Do they trade like skins and meat and fish? For you know fucking, chainsaw blades. That's the thing is you know when you go fishing, there's very few people that can you over in your day? That's true! You working in office you're getting fuck either by people who are smiling at you. We also dealing with believe: Aebli unnatural, behavior sitting in a box, the same box everyday, eight hours a day plus commuting and all
all day, you're sitting and your fucking there's no physical movement at all. There's nothing explosive! Going on with your body know you of your senses, no fight or flight, but it's it's like the bowling thing that you see you see these people when you first walk into ca where assistance they sat in it for thing and they always have a jar of Eminem's and they'd, be like hey, Jim Great, to see or hear him, but he still water like the happiest person in the world, I'm going to head in the world, and then they have that can't set behind him. That used to just call him a piece of shit 'cause. They got their coffee order wrong right and then they go home and cry even that. I smiled to you because part of their job and then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there. There fucking telling that person their account. They can't get coffee to save their life. She made a circle of life, never ends, does cab spacey movie, which one Kevin Spacey Movie, where he's like the worst fucking employee ever or the employer ever he's like an agent
and he hired some guy and they wind up kidnapping him was that moving Kevin spend fucking shit. I can't remember that Movie Kevin Spacey agent, v yeah he's a fucking complete make. I I gotta get going. I gotta get to the doctor's guys. Oh, is that a problem now, we've done more problems. Two one slash two hours a fucking. I just want to tell people with this fucking movie. Is God damn it? that's not the movie, that's another movie that he made. That was based around the original first movie, find it find. Find before us that you bring out a that's your assignment fawning name, a that's, not it the sun it was in their movie, could Kangaroo Jack because I mean yeah yeah. There was definitely not Kangaroo Jack to my girlfriend at the moment can't leave the house 'cause. We leave just what is it Jamie sent so
men with sharks. That's exactly what it is. Yeah it's fucking great, that's that's a great movie. We see what kind of a terrible and fire that agent environment is, is the worst also one raceway. I've seen this page out of it. There's a torch. Is this young kid that works for him? I used to have girl that I dated that work for an agent should wake up in the middle of night freaking out like that she forgot to do something in the middle. He was brutal. He was just so that that's late. Every occupation must have the Will you wake up in the middle night going? I forgot to shit yeah to twenty four hour job. What about like the bloke, who puts bolts on engines for GM. Well, there's! Obviously this inspectors that handle that along with yeah, but it just takes it, come People have a bad day simultaneously This girl, though this gig of being an assistant to an agent, was literally all day like he would call her up in the middle the night I need eggs. I know how many eggs go get me some eggs bring. My house like he would have she would have laundry should have to pick up like was all day.
Everyday to make shit, money barely could survive, and it was all day on call if you're watching this live, don't go to Laurel Canyon right now. Why is that? fat. Why my girlfriend to why I live in Mount Olympus, my girlfriend to walk up the Fucking Hill and park the car down there end of the road which is like a mile up the hill, with some things going on, there's a cop being shot. Well in a Laurel Canyon and guys barricaded himself in his house is domestic thing in there is a standard. Oh I heard about that this morning. That's still going on! Well, she just text me, don't drive down this way, 'cause she's, walking up the hill fuck, alright folks.
Watch Jim Jeffries show legit it's an ff Xfx X. What is x is where why exactly six parity, what happened there? Why did it go? Comedy got a new channel and they had to move service or sunny in Philadelphia in the league or moved over and she's back early jeez on after our show, that's beautiful. How is it I heard the allergy one is a lot of his old stuff too. That was all this stuff that I had in England that never ate over here with the whole show different, enjoys and stuff like that beautiful. It's free, it's free package of that one. But that's on off to me. Don't worry about that! Don't worry about the g at what time is legit once they watch it's it change. Unless you have direct tv, which means it goes forward to seven because you get and West Coast favorite yeah it's today at ten O'Clock EAST Coast, it's ten o'clock a special enjoy working for FXX, oh good, yeah, yeah, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, right, legit watch it you know,
podcasts more stop doing that! No, I don't a podcast at the present time, uh I want to at the moment, if you watching I'm doing this Saturday, I will be at and they are in LA and I'm somewhere in San Francisco this Friday. You don't even know, I think they both sold out just check anyone I'll check you Fox. I try to go to your website. Larry's stand up comic a month, so with that, I'm I'm I I people this is the story very published right by be touring the entire month of April across Australia, all major cities for the whole most glorious glorious. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jeffries, thanks brother, there was a lot of Thanks thanks to our sponsor, go to squarespace dot com and use the code word Joe? That's it right is that what is square space here is that it space dot com code words, oh yeah user Code word Joe save ten percent, and
thanks also to onnit dot com use a code word Rogan, save ten percent off any and all supplements. We will be back. Lace and gentlemen, got a lot of podcast this week, much love
Transcript generated on 2019-10-04.