You're welcome to season two episode. Forty of the Jordan Be Petersen Podcast, I Mikhail Petersen, Dad's daughter and collaborator. Today's episode is a twelve rules for life lecture recorded in San Diego on January, twenty fifth, twenty nineteen named beyond order, another twelve rules for life. This podcast gives you rules that have not been discussed before update this week were celebrating the holidays at home. My grandparents came down from northern Alberta and are staying with mom and dad, which has really nice we're taking. Right from the podcast next week, by the way, so I'll tell you merry Christmas and a happy holidays now I know Christmas, convene incredibly stressful time of year saw hope. People are holding it together or perhaps even enjoying the holidays, I'm really excited to mention. I've started a group for people who want help starting the lion, diet the die,

dad and I are on or just optimizing health I've been working with about forty people in the group. So far, and most people have seen great improvements in health problems. They ve been trying to overcome some of their intro. Videos have literally made me cry. It's amazing how much suffering is out there and what people are able to get through I know for me when I was trying to climb my way out of having a mood and auto immune disorder. It was incredibly scary and isolating not to mention. I got a lot of hell about trying to change my diet and actually get better. From friends, family and the media I made this group is a place for people go to have kind of an external family to grow with and talk to an complain out about their health struggles, people get early access to a course and producing an twice yearly meet ups it's been a fund project, although a bit emotional and I officially relaunched. Last Friday, you can check it out at lion, diet, club, dot com. I have memberships off at fifteen percent off until New year's

If you guys, having checked out dad's very first e course discovering personality with Jordan be Pearson, it was released Wednesday and is available now for a hundred forty dollars for over five hours at the university level. Lecture material on personality in the big five check it out and Jordan, be Petersen dot com, slash personality, enjoy the podcast. As much as ride sharing apps are convenient. One think we take for granted is having a safe ride every time. With silver you'll, never have to worry about safety. From this they ve taken inside the app to what they're doing outside of it. It's great to see out. Uber is committed to safety and to continuously raising the bar to help make safer journeys for everyone. For starters, all drivers or background check before their first ride, which includes driving and criminal history checks. On top of this number, screens drivers every year and uses technology to look for issues in between

and for those just in case moments. Everyone who rides and drives with goober also has access to an emergency button in the ep. The quickly connects them two, nine one one and now Buber has introduced a brand new safety feature called ride, check using GPS and smartphones answers right, can detect if a trip goes unusually off course and check it to provide support Right jack is just one of the ways hubris committed to safety, learn more at goober, dot, com, slash safety, that's goober, our com, slash safety. Beyond order, another twelve rules for life, the Jordan Petersen much well, Thank you much appreciated since very nice to be here in San Diego. You

so lovely city, not a very nice time working on Coronado beaches that right today, that's that was that was very good, its lot better than twenty five blow, which is what it is in Toronto right now so what they say. Canada is the world slow just uninhabitable country coming down here sure makes it seem that way so As Dave said,. This is the last american show of the twelve for life to her, I think by all appearances, and so it's being quite the trip spoke hundred and fifteen cities of two hundred and fifty thousand people usually in venues of approximately the size. Sometimes in Europe a little bit smaller. Some of them were bigger, the biggest auditorium in the biggest stadium. I guess was with SAM Harrison

in Dublin we had about eighty five hundred people to that. So that was quite unfathomable. I would say and varied. Call to believe that people would. The people are so interested in what what ended up being pro. We, in the eight hour, discussion on the relationship between facts and value, is soon over the relationship between religion and science. Teresa to see that there is a massive public hunger, let's say or Mass public audience for complicate discourse. You know who would have guessed that that was the case, but it's it's really be something to see. So I thought I do two things tonight. I thought I would walk through twelve rules for life and and sort of give me a chance to sort of sum up what I think about each of the chapters and what I've come to

What I've come to think about them across time has continued to talk about them, but I also thought I might tell you about the next book that I'm writing. I'm I'm well into now. I haven't really talk, but it publicly at all. Yet so I thought I'd, let you in on it it's called beyond order, another twelve rules for life, I had derived the first twelve from a list of rules that I'd put on Cora, which is a where anyone can post questions and anyone can post answers there. Originally, there were forty two rules the more very rapidly and just forty, the fact we're forty two was well, that's just how it worked out. Wasn't plan that way exactly and the series of Raw. This became very popular on quarrel, which was part of the impetus for the for the book for twelve rules for life,

I thought I would write about all forty two to begin with, but as I started to write the the essays became longer than I thought they would be, and so I took twelve. Crafted them into a book that I felt stand alone chapters, but that also integrate. Itself into something that was also a book so doing the same thing with the next. Well, then I thought maybe I'd start by telling you what those those next rules are, you might be interested in that so that be good? I've sketched out the whole book, and I really I really written thoroughly written six rules and edited them. He editing is quite painstaking. A little bit about that, maybe someday you might be trusted in the technique of writing

Those of you that are interested in writing might find it useful. The discussion of the technique and those of you who aren't necessarily interested in Writing- might still be it didn't how that comes about so the first thing I do, and I think this is a good way of, broaching something that you're writing. It's a very good way of approaching anything that you're thinking about is. I right out What I'm thinking about without a lot of self editing. You know one of the things I ve noticed when undergraduates right essays, which they can't do by the way if writings, writings, quite hard and people don't really learnt and and it's not easy to teach and and so have taught a lot of undergraduate toto right and you can actually teach people to right quite quickly, but you have to know how to do it and most of the people who teach kids, how to write. Dont know how to write, and so they can teach it,

or they don't know how to teach it but it doesn't matter really which of those it is. I have on my website at Jordan Be Petersen dot com. You can download a guideline for writing that I used for me. Students and it's very, very practical document. If you have to write, many of you do have to rake has generally you know you have to produce documents at work, We have to produce arguments of one form or another, or so it turns out that its very important right and so that the first step We to have a problem that you're trying to address its use. An interesting? It has to be something that grips you, because otherwise, why would you buy the writing about? It has to be something important since problem that you really trying to solve, and I would say He generally want to write about something that you that You don't know the answer to you know because

one of the things you want to do when you writing is you want to take the reader on the journey of deriving the conclusion rather than just presenting it sort of as a fake the complete If the writing is exciting, and this is the same if you're delivering a talk, if the right is exciting than theirs. Journey of discovery that characterize it. In open and genuine literature is really like that. You see that so one of the reserve. I really love Dostoyevsky. For example, is it it's pretty obvious if you read the dusty asking all that he didn't know where he was going from the beginning right. It unfolded the key, doctors had their life and and their ideas unfolded as he wrote about them and he was discovering something he didn't understand along the way that sort of what distinguishes great literature from propaganda, if you're a propaganda this you know exactly what you're trying to accomplish right off the bat and you craft, all your character

to make sure that the message that you already know is the one: that's delivered. You see that propaganda. Literary propaganda, see that visual propaganda, nor as well, but if you're, if you're genuinely creative, that isn't what you do. Is you have a problem whatever the problem might be, and then, if you try explore it and you you, you attack that's what s a means you attempt to formulate the the more clearly you try to formulate the answer. So the first thing you do is you have your problem and then you you do your back, round research, you're reading, so that you have some knowledge the domain that at least or you do some thinking and then you right and you right without. Too much self criticism. You know if you're, if you're, a good writer or if you don't know what you're doing what you to do as you try to write each sentence so that the sentence is perfect, when you write it, so you know,

at it and that won't work, because you're not capable of doing that. There is no bloody way in the world that you can come up with a sentence that that is high quality in content and properly formulated in an hour manner all at once. That's not happening no one. And do that, so you know if You're, making a movie you you pay, this way more footage than you ever going to use in the movie that an that's actually quite convenient because that, then you have an excess of material can choose the best from it and that's what you want to do when you write so Europe to begin with, you just write down everything you think and if you'd get stuck right, I'm stuck here and you just keep going seriously, you don't want to stop, and you don't want to criticise yourself. You don't want to worry about how the senses are formulated in all of that, and then you have a bad this draft- which is a wonderful thing to have because its work, better to have a terrible first draft and have nothing at all and then you can edit it

You have to assume that what you're going to do, when you add it, is throw away like eighty percent of it and if you know to begin with. When you're writing, then it loosened job because who cares What are you writing is perfect if you're gonna throw eighty percent of it away right, so you can or to take some risks and to write down some things into that. Did you not going? that you might not even think are reasonable because you exploring- and you know You can take chances because you're gonna throw eighty percent of it away any ways, and then it turns out. But if you're willing to throw eighty percent of the eighty per give it away sort of another to be willing to throw eighty percent of yourself away. As you learn through life, I would say, then it might. Much easier to produce its actually. Case that neurologically you have this system, that produce language in the systems that edit our different when one of the ways

manifests itself, it's quite interesting. Sometimes people who have temp what's the dimmed? What's the dementia member, the kind? temporal its frontal temporal dementia sometimes it's a variant of Alzheimer's, but sometimes people with frontal temporal dementia more creative as dementia progresses, It doesn't make any sense at all. I think, while as your brain deteriorates, you get more creative, how can that possibly be the case? answer is that the editor of the part of brain that does the editing the innovation does deteriorates. First, and leaves the part that can do the creation outside of that critical realm and so people, can experience bursts of creativity that they never had before in their life. You know it's still a dj reading game across time, but is fascinating that that be the case, and so one things. You really want to know if you're trying to think something through something important is don't edit

well you're producing its back idea it's in its greedy in some sense, because what it means is that you're trying to do creating- is really hard and just editing is really hard, but to do both of them at the same time as like. That's just impossible there's just no way. You can do that and so way. So I may the ideas and I'm assuming I'm going to throw away. Oh god at least eighty percent might be. Ninety percent, because, like with my first book of meaning. I think I rewrote every sentence at least fifty times and I'm dumb, and that's a literal little literary the truth, and so it wasn't quite that intense with twelve rules, but it was, it would have been a dozen times at least or maybe maybe more than that and and multiple people also editing and commenting to make sure that you know everything was set out properly. So then the way

did, your technically is, I have a are usually use a split screen, so I have two screens and. Have the you know they're the rough draft on the left hand side then I'll cut a piece of it out two or three pages long, that makes sake section, usually ad section title so that I can pull out a peace that I can kind of grasp, intellectually, because it dad and a whole thirty page document, because you can't keep the whole thing in your head, she have to kind of chunk it down to some. You could manage. Throw it in the on the right hand, monitor and then start organizing it go through it sentence by sentence in paragraph five, I think, if you're editing properly I'm telling you this, because this is actually how you think, if, if you really want to something through this is how to do it, so you so, then you have to edit and she what's that, what's the the conceptual framework for editing. Well. Words that you, you should be the right words,

we to every word and make sure that each word is the exact is exists three, the right word for it position in the sentence and then you want to make sure that your words fit together properly and in phrases proper phrases and that the phrases are strong together properly within sentence, and then you want to make sure that each sentence has its price. Replace in the paragraph, and then you Make sure that each paragraph is sequenced appropriately in the context of all the other paragraphs and then Finally, you want to make sure that the collection of paragraphs that makes up the section or perhaps the chapter has it I was a coherent story, and so You can fail or succeeded every single one of those levels of analysis, one of the things that painful about reading or grading badly written the graduate essays is that they face at every single level. So it's

just unbelievably painful: it's like no. Those are the wrong words and that's frequently the case. People use words that they don't really understand that are too there they're. Usually large and rare words and then really understand them. They couldn't them in in day to day, Of course, you don't understand the connotations they sort of got that technical, meaning proximately right, but its very awkward leap, within the sentence. You know it's like a speed bump and so that's a bad idea, you know because few use a word, you don't understand very well and you're writing for someone who's dear. The new that might work, but if you're writing for someone who actually understands that word, they just think that while they think the obvious, which is that you're trying to look more intelligent than you are and you're not noticing that it's not working, and so so you know you you you you have to get there.

Right and you have to get the phrase right and you have to get the sentence right and you have to sequence, to sentence property and you have to sequence the paragraphs properly, then the whole thing has to come here and- and said about ass can can be wrong at every single one of those of analysis, so that the work choice is bad. The phrasing is awkward, the sentences are, sentences there. Not Strong together in a coherent paragraph, because a paragraph should be a coherent unit of meaning there, they just there just happen to be a paragraph break every ten lines randomly and then there are. Ideas on page one- that's completely contradict ideas on page three right and so trying to great It is impossible to trying to edit. It is it's easier. Just to burn it and rewrite it so. So anyway. So you know I, I pulled a material onto the onto the other, age and then I as a start,

the preliminary reorganization and just try to make a better draft and then put that back and I pull out one paragraph four, the time or part of paragraph b, get up into the sentences, so he put the sentence out. You put a couple of spaces, between the next send. So you? U unpack the paragraph, and then you can rewrite each sentence, and I mean that literally is he, like you, have a sentence so then you rewrite it and then you re it again and you rewrite it again. Now you have for the same sentences, and now you can figure out which are those sense is better and you get the three that are worse and so now the first sentence is improved, and then you do the same thing for all the other senses, and then you see ok, well, are those sense is in the right order. You reorder them until you get them in the right order. Maybe you throw a few way and I often keep he's I throw away. I have a little. What would you caught Doc when called Calls- and I just throw things in their and sometimes I find a place for them somewhere else, but then

sentences are written much more elegantly and there in the right order. And then I look at the paragraph in the tree, written and then I look at the old paragraph and if the new paragraph is better than the old paragraph than I replace it, then I go and do the same thing with the next paragraph and then maybe I do that like ten times and then I can tell when I'm done, because when I'm done, that, it's finished, because something like that we're finished in some sense, but I know when I am done editing because I'll write it I'll do that anymore. I'll, take a paragraph taken I make a new paragraph and then I tell which paragraph is better and so I've got to the point where I can't make the paragraph any better. That's it I'm finished. I can't make it any You know what that doesn't mean it's good. It just means that I can make it any better right and then it actually dangerous. Near the end, because, if you're, let's say your freedom bright one day in your kind of alert, clear hit you and you

prove a paragraph, and you have a paragraph, maybe the next day, you're kind of muddle, headed and stupid, and so you take a pair for new added it. This is near the end of the process and you worse paragraph, but you to do, to notice, and then you replace the perfectly good paragraph with the worst one and you ve gone too far and a good editor can help without that, and then you know, the process. If your fault You have an editor who's who you're submitting the work to who then don't Do you know where things don't flow and where you're being or you ve, got your facts wrong or the senses don't flow. And then, if you have any sense, you listen to the editor, and then, if you have any sense, you listen to the editor, because the editor, at least in principle, reflects the audience, and so, if an editor, a comment on something written, and I was kind happy about it- all- usually rewrite it until I get something that deals with what the editor said that I like

just as well as what I had written to begin with and then all substitute it, and then that also keeps the you're happy, because you know you don't want to ignore you're editor, because their work, trying to make the thing better, and so what good is it to ignore it? Its use to be criticised, and I've had some Good editors, so anyway, that's sickly how that works and so that's those are useful things to know technically and I you think well, we can make a bad first draft Many of you have to write complex documents that are perfect way to approach is like writer bad draft as fast as you can, then you ve got something. And then you can do the editing. The other thing I you too, as I read all the senses, allowed, because if a sentence, helps with the poetic element of it. If a sentence crafted dimly. Not only does it say what you wanted to say, but when you read it it has a rhythm and that actually- to be very helpful, even

of meaning was like that tat. I, although too much more difficult book. That was my first book and has some you know, five or six line sentences in it and but have a rhythm, and so when I did the audio book, it was much easier than it would have otherwise being because there was with in the senses- and it was much easier to read aloud in and so- nice, and if you read a book that that that has been written that been read aloud by the author. Then it's of sings, and it makes much easier to read in and then you can play with the music of the senses, the words in the sentences- and that's that's lovely thing to- and you know it is so wonderful thing to be able to concentrate on on something like tat because it ray cleans up your thinking. This is one of the things that I strive to talk to my under graduate students about my graduate students as well is like a. Why

You ve the writing, an essay. What why bother? While, because you need the great it's like we're, why would you prepare documents like you know it, requirement for work is like no, that's not the reason. The reason is you pick some that's worth thinking about, and then you think about it because then you ve thought about it. And its useful to have thought about things. You know assuming that, assuming that we think so that we don't foolish things in our lives. The better you get it thinking the clearer apprehension, you have about the nature of the world in your place in it and to pay tension to each word and each phrase and each sentence when you're dealing. The complicated problem- pays off massively. You know it and it clears you up, there's good evidence you know, if you have people write about their past, then they and to shed the baggage that they're carrying if you have them right about their futures, their money, more likely to put those plans.

Into action and be successful, and so I mean it Be that surprising, if you think about it, because it shouldn't The prize you that thinking is useful, but it might Surprise. You even know people don't do it that often because it's difficult but It is somewhat of a surprise to think of writing. As as what would you call it technically sophisticated thinking the huge advantage to writing in its massive advent advantage? Without Processor, because editing is cheap with the word process right I mean forty year. Ago, when you, when you were writing by hand or typing if you made a mess in a sentence, he had a red tape, the whole damn page. You know it was really annoying. Now, if you read it, since you can rewrite it ten times in its the cost of that virtually zero and so what it means is you can continually edit and improve what you think and you can make that morality more powerful and that's for that has unbelievable practical utility. You know it s

progress through life? One of the things you realize, especially if you're dealing with people in relatively sophisticated situations, but it doesn't really matter- is that, though, who formulate the best arguments when they were everything right. They they neglect more effectively at work. People are more likely do listen to and abide by the plans that they formulate they formulate better plants. They can negotiate better with their spouse in their children, because their articulate and its such a funny thing, because it so seldom lay the case. You know, what's the utility of liberal arts degree while right now, Damn little I would say, but but previously the whole idea was well would teach you to communicate. It would teach you to write, but why useful while because, if you could communicate effectively, then you always do better at everything. You know it. It doesn't matter what endeavour you're you're pretty

We know of your housing contractor and you have to negotiate with your clients, have you can formulate plans in your arguments and inarticulate way. Way ahead of the game and it sharpens you up in such a remarkable way, so any It's one of the wonderful things about being able to write is that it does give you that, and to really sit and think things through, and so it's it's something would highly recommended a hard thing to do, but you can do a little bit of it every day. That's another thing: if you're ever interested in writing cares something else that practical. I learned this partly from Hemingway, because Hemingway wrote a little bit about writing and he was very good at he did a lot of throwing away. You know one one of you, rules was. He took us since then you're trying to fix it the first things you do his throat or every word you can possibly get rid of in that sentence, and I'll have the sense makes sense and what one of it things that I often tell my undergraduates when their turn to. The writing is go through it.

Jordan, every sense by twenty five percent and then do the same thing with the USA throw away fifteen percent of it shortly. Answers shortening essay it'll improved by a factor of two Then they try that no writing called goes way up. So that's a nice to know what Hemingway also said that you want to write, you should write a little bit every day and there were some of that? I read a book when I was a first, our university professor, called, family member and it wasn't impaired study of why family members failed, and most of them do most will it most positions fail. I think the evidence is something like fifty percent of middle man. Majors add negative net value to their companies. It something like that. What you know cooperating failure mode, frequently and one of the mistakes that factory where's made they made to one as if they were teaching and they were doing badly added they prepared more and that made their legs.

Worse and. And the second was that if they weren't right Then they would wait until they had large blocks of time where they could concentrate on writing. People often thing but I have a novel I'd like to write one day I'll have enough time and us down and do it like that will never happen you that will never ever happen. You will never have enough time to write your novel, Because your time isn't your own, your time miss distributed among other people, and if you want it, if you want to take us time for something you want to do that like that in that's private you have to steal. Time away and it's gonna object to it, and so you steal that much. You have to steal it's in a concerted sneaky way if to sneak often- have your own time? And so maybe you could write half an hour a day or maybe you could write fish in minutes a day or maybe you can write forty five minutes today. I

spend some time in my life writing three hours a day, but I had do like I had two viciously. I put my family before I could ever get to that point. In something like a junk yard dog so different. My time, but but this is something that really important to know like. If you want to write, then you, a little time every day and do it- and you know, if you're right page day. That's four hundred pages a year. That's a whole normal in a year, so so you can get a tremendous distance doing a little bit everyday. That's that's a good thing to know. About whatever it is that you want to pull to your life, you can steal a little bit of time every day. But if you wait until the three of having what are we to write or a month to writer, even though, He can to write on a regular basis. Like that's, never gonna happen. You're. Your time is valuable,

and other people will use it up on on also important, but short term thinks so so anyway, that's that's a bit of discussion of the technical processes, so I'm back into that right. Now. Writing this next book and The idea is this: the first book was an antidote to chaos and it was an attempt to explain that while we need a certain amount of order, we need more than order. Even though is a balance between order and chaos, and so I'm I'm trying to I'm trying to represent that in the juxtaposition of the two books. The first one would be was published as a white cover. This one will be published with black cover, so that'll, be nice, juxtaposition- and I hope at some point that they'll be available as a two volume set, and one is a bit of it its position on the dangers. Chaos and the other a disquisition, dangers of order, and so

then, and the necessity for balancing them. So here's here's some of the new rules, so the first one is do not carelessly denigrate social in petitions or creative achievement. I, like I like that one because you're more Prone to carelessly denigrate social institutions, if your liberal on the left side of this kind, let's say because you're interested in lateral, thinking and spontaneity and anon. Faulty and leary of of what would you say structures that constrain and then, if you're, more honour centre The right you're more, like to denigrate creative achievement, because, while the creative type another- always moving laterally in breaking things apart and I mean the genuinely creative types you know the ones who were on the avant garde and and there a bit of a threat to social institutions, but that

The matter is that you need both there's this. This old. There's this line in Alice in Wonderland when Alice those down the rabbit whole underneath the structure of things she meets thread queen down their red queen is basic mother, nature and she's read because Mother natures, red blood that's why the Red Green is always running around yelling off with their heads. You know she's she's, the cat. Mayhem and murder, and what things she says is that in my kingdom you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place. It's really set that's the fundamental flaw of ridge conservatism is that you not stay in the same place, because everything around you shift and so you're forced date and so Eve. If you're conservative person, you can't denigrate creative achievement because certain amount of it is necessary just to keep things stable and if you can,

If you're interested in stability, you think what I went things could stay the same. So I know not going to happen. You don't even stay the same right. You sit there. Anything I'm just gonna stay the same and you you get old and right right, I mean it, it just happens and because you have do you have to update and it's the creative types, the do. The dating now. You know that can get out of hand and things can you know you? get so many people, creative people destabilizing this the day. Current situation so that nothing is reliable and that that untrammelled creativity can be a destructive force. That's its danger. But it's necessary to reach. Back cultural institutions and also to respect process that updates, and so that's without chapters about and so

imagine who you could be and then aim single mindedly at that sea. I like that one. The single mindedly part is an interesting one. What I learned this, at least in part from nature. As you know, when you were a kid in printing you could be anything which is kind of one of the wonderful things about being kid. And then a painful things about growing up and being in adult, is that why you can't stay be in everything. That's the story of Peter PAN pan means everything and Peter PAN. Is this man child. You know who can do anything but he's a he's got a strange kingdom right. He's king of the lost boys which bring it isn't a kingdom that you want to rule over and and so and it doesnt grow up he falls in love with Wendy. And Wendy grows up and she has a family. She gets old. She stopped

being a child, but she, a family. She has a husband, she has a family. She has a life and Peter PAN Stacy, never land, which is also a hint on the part of the reader, and these days logical and contents himself with Tinker Bell who, I would think of hers, the porn ferry of all the advantages of femininity accept except she's, not real, and so you know beat Peter PAN. He does grow up part because his role model is Captain Hook and captain hook well about these pirates. It was kind of a tyrant, and these are a coward and he's a cow because he's boys are free, at least because he'd been chased by a crocodile with clock in his stomach. You think what the hell that being the beach chased by our Crockett. What does that mean? It's like, while it's already

a piece of rights bit nervous handed like the taste well, time that that's. Why the work is there. You know it's time, crocodile is that terrible force that lies underneath everything that weight to pull you down like its mortality itself or the threat of mortality and the region Captain hook is a tyrant is because he's afraid of death and, and so that makes him a tyrant and in a cowardly I went and Peter PAN looks at the cowardly tyrant and he thinks well. I don't want to grow up to be that it's like welfare enough. You know, but what're you gonna, do not grow up. Well then, you king of the lost boys, and you have Tinker Baron life goes on and that's not a good outcome, and so you know have to make a sacrifice when you grow up, you have to become something and to become something means, do not become a whole bunch of other things like it sets a sacrifice. Its the same sacrifice the you undertake when you decide to get married, you know it's like. Well you

Or go everyone else too, one person and in it and is it it's a real sacrifice, and it's a sacrifice that praise on people's minds because they think, while you know maybe I could have picked someone better. It's like you, because you always suffer from the delusion that some, you better would have agreed to have you and well it's funny. I just I just read this this great article. I tweeted it a couple of nights ago. I read this great article about how people select tension mates on dating sites, and they they people generally go for those who are about twenty five percent more attractive than they are. Which, as you know, ambitious and in HOLLAND and pointless. But that is what people do you know they hoped at me, but what they they hoped, the personal notice. So I just how this slip myself in here, and maybe you won't notice so.

Well. So there's a sacrifice, you no one, but the thing about this aquifers. Is that you end up with something rather than nothing at all in and I've seen lots of people in my clinical practice. You know who didn't grow up when they should have and and who are thirty or which isn't too, I don't know it's not that good, but for you know, there's still drifting, they still haven't catalyzed and identity of any sort and not gets tat, starts to get ugly. You know thirty. It starts to get ugly around thirty. If you're twenty we have twenty four and you haven't catalyzed identity. It's ok, think what you are mostly Peter: PAN you're full of potential man, we'll gamble on the potential in the chance at you, but then, if your thirty and of the same norms, distant Reza may be think? Well, you Just failed. It's not potential, it's just you just not there, and if it's that that's the case at forty, that's it really rough like it's not completely hopeless. If you're in

situation at forty? But man, you got catching up to do so and so how do you get out of that? Well partly And this is one of the things you you're after that young people knows pick something you don't know what to do, well take your best. Damn shot at it. Don't wait around man make a plan aimed at some move in that direction. Adopt adieu supplementary routine of some sort, because that was that will that will form you, limits you too, but it forms you and then you know the thing about adopting a disciplinary structure, which limits you and which is the sacrifices that it also. It also increases the probability that you're going to do something you over the long run? You know when I was starting out as a researcher. My area of research, it was some

narrow? I was looking at the heredity I was looking out factors that influenced the inherit ability of alcoholism, because alcoholism is heritable to a large degree, partly because The manner in which you respond to a drug of abuse is terminate in part by biological factors and that the variants in those biological factors is biologically determined to a fair degree. So I'll give you example I had this friend, its name was franker oven. He's a very cool guy, look like Ernest Hemingway and in big knee was a cool character and he had this ranch and say: Kids, it was a monkey ranch. I know I know a monkey ranch. He was raising monkeys, and because he was a researcher in and he would these wild monkeys green monkeys and and bring them in

to an enclosure, and then he would give them Roman Coke and five percent the monkeys with Drink Tacoma on first exposure, video tapes of that which were really hilarious. They looked like they looked like Frat party, fundamentally in our most of the monkeys would have a few steps and you know and and did discuss their monkey. This in turn is civilised way in a corner and men go home. You know when when it was time to call it a night, but there was one percent of them, and they were like hanging off the trees by their tail in their arms. By the and of evening and and passed out completely anyways one Discoveries was that in a week population, a primates who relatively naive to see alcohol, that if you exposed a certain people,

of the five percent of them have no control whatsoever over their drinking. They just drink great Tacoma, that's about the same with with people who start to experiment with alcohol. So anyway, that's one of the examples that that there is that there is a biological influence. Anyhow This area of inquiry was somewhat narrower than I had hoped for you know. I didn't really, planned on studying the cycle, biology of response. The alcohol was interested in drug abuse and drug abuse motivation. I was interested in wider issues, but what was cool? Was that the deeper I got into that? So the more I do The planned myself with regards to that particular domain study, the more I learned about all sorts of other things, it was like going through it. Key hole in and out the other side and most disciplinary processes like that, and so one of the things you have to do. Is you take them We potentiality of childhood and new discipline that so that their might be a matter rule like.

You couldn't say well, here's the disciplinary structure. Everyone should undertake hats. Two's we're not necessarily who know should go into. The military is like no, not necessarily who knows we're disciplinary strategy should be something I you make a more abstract rule, which is something like. I don't care what you are supplementary strategy is But you need to impose one on yourself in for some reasonable amount of time, because you integrate yourself as a consequence of doing that. Soil is can yourself no vaguely socially useful and appropriate, which is also a non trivial thing, and then, once you have yourself disciplined then you can take discipline stealth and you can start expanding and outward again That's a really useful thing to know, so this is nature was a great criticism, great critic of Christianity, an admirer of Catholicism, interestingly enough, because one

things he believed was that the attempt to over several thousands of years to force ever phenomenon into framework it can be explained by the axioms of Catholic, believe disciplined european mind it made it. It made it capable of producing rigorous and coherent theories independent of whether the theory was correct, that wasn't, the issue was like. Well, once you learn how to write, you can write essay, but you could also right s a b. You don't know how to write. You can't right either in it? Maybe you learn to write by writing s ay ay, but then you can write ass, a b and c in the same issue applies. Here is once you get. You disciplined then you can take it simple and self- and you can go to a bunch of different things with it and so It doesn't matter how you discipline yourself, but it really matters that you do and so that's an important thing. I

I think it's important thing for everyone to know, but I think it's really important thing for young people to know it's like. Well, I don't know what to do with myself. Well sit around and get old. That's a ban idea and spin around doing nothing like pick something. May a mistake right pick you're not sure about going, pursue it quarter the way their halfway there. You lot smarter, because you had undertaken their bit of learning just to get that far. Maybe at that point you no, it's not for you and you decide to make her left hand turn. You know you make a ninety degree turn somewhere else. At least you fool yourself out in the pursuit of the discipline wait around. You know and I think that's while so that's what that chapters about so yeah man, rule three is- is analogous to that work as hard as you can, as you post

we can at least one thing and see what happens the corollary to that's like while one of two things want to discover when you're young or the things you want to discover at some point, your life spattered scam, when you're in your twenties, I think, is we'll just how hard can you work on something you don't like? If you pay something I don't care what it is again, you think I'm in flat out on this and see what happens that's also useful to because there's no other way of really discovering your limits right can kind of want to know what you're limits are. I think the things you need to do and in your life at some point is push yourself farther than you can go in. Also, you kind of push yourself passed, the point of exhaustion? Oh that's good there the point of exhaustion, what you stay there, because if you stay at the point of exhaustion for any length of time well, then you know you'll you'll degenerate great, because that that's just too much, but you can

find that point, and then you can pull back and you can think. Ok. Well, I can't go further than that. I gotta know whereby limit is now. I can pull back. And I can operate within that limit, but then You know where your limit is and that's an unbelievably useful thing to do with the added as well. The everything to is that core. How are you ever going to discover could possibly be successful at whatever you want to be successful at unless you push yourself At least one direction right to your bloody limit and its The thing you know it's loathing we dont teach young people and its quite striking to me because it seems kind of obvious it's like well, who are you here ten year, twenty, who are you what you don't bloodied know? How do you know psych six? there's a girl. You were thirteen, you don't know anything so So what are you capable of what you do no, what are you gonna find out where you gonna push push yourself at something for the new. You can go well

have some sense of where your limits are, and you know your limits are going to be. There are going to be where you think they are all probability, or some of them will be a little closer than you want them to be, but a lot of them you'll be able to push yourself way further than you think. I'm so that that's an unbelievably useful thing to do, and so that's. Then maybe you know if you really want to get ambitious about it. You can push yourself. As far as you can go, five or six different directions? find out like we're. Where your contours, you know what what is what exactly are the limitations of this form that you're inhabiting Will you give some sense of who you are and what you're good for? No one, that's a lot as part of the reason why I'm not happy with this continual injunction and our society to what they have more self esteem or to be happy. It's like a first of all good with being happy and well you're not going to work out when you're not happy ones you're gonna come along that are going to make you not happy and then, if the whole

purpose of being is to be happy and you're. Not happy, then, as soon as your suffering you're done, because you got enough you said he don't have happiness and that's all there was. That was the whole point. It's gone your suffering. You got nothing. Not a use, that's not useful, but it ought in it. That's not say that have anything against happiness if it happens to come along. You know you know, you gotta be grateful if it does come along, but rely on it. That's for sure that that's that's foolish, but you don't you. You could inform young people that they have to figure out just exactly how capable and resilient they are and the way they do, that is by by casting themselves against again severe challenges. You know voluntarily. We know that from from our from clinical practice, clinical science is why how do you make people resilient swell? That's easy, you

via set of challenges that they need to undertake. Kind of match? The challenge to the person like you would for a child that you care for and say well, what are you you know see if you can withstand is challenge going, take it on the person goes and gives it a shot and finds out while ye. I can do it a great you're tougher than thought you were so here's here's this larger Jones. Where do you go check out that and see? If you can do it when you know your ability expands. Is you take on the challenges? That's how you mean. People resilient in a bloody well put them in spaces and and shield them from micro aggressions. I think you only you only do that if you want to make people weak enough so that you can make weak enough so that your idiots you call. What would you call it the ideological formulation of victimization and oppression confined

ready target? So you university students- you that's it you make them as weak as possible and is frightened and timid as they can be, and then there are hungry consumers of your pathological, Liddy Ology hats that's a hell of a thing to do to young people, man and its and it's so interesting because its interest, because it is exactly the opposite of what you will do with people if you clinician whose properly trained and you want to help people become stronger and others like ten different variants of clinical psychology is behaviour ism phenomenology, an existential ism and humanism, going Alice's there's lots of different schools of psychotherapy, but all well developed. Schools of psychotherapy do share at least one thing in common, and that is that you

people confront things, they're, afraid of and that the avoiding and that that some stronger. That's that's that, the mental essence of successful psychotherapy in it. And the reason for that is because that's the fundamental essence of learning, so actually what you're trying to do, if you are a sought lifecycle past invented how to make people resilient, obviously not they did was observe what made people risk? we want and formalised what makes people resilient is for them to. Themselves up against challenges. Come stronger as a consequence of it and so it's so interesting to see that this has been inverted in In the universities it's actually been turned upside down and equal. Interesting to see that the that the clinical body like the American Psychological Association, curse be their name and the amount

Psychiatric Association haven't come out on mass and said: look you couldn't. Do anything more. Malevolent to young people if you planned it, then too shield them from all voluntary contact with thing the challenge, their beliefs. If the worst thing you can do so, I can't believe. I can't believe that they organise it's hard for me to do that the organisations have been that cowardly, but but there it is, they are so that's. That's life rule four, do not hide unwanted things in the fog. Yeah that's a good one.

You know how it is when, when someone up, and you don't want to think about it, Christ that problem. You know you sometimes that's your whole life so card something's up. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about it, well that that who interesting- that you cannot want to think about something, because this is this is this is what tangled Freud up it? Sigmund Freud up in the idea of repression, because he kind of that you knew what it was that you didn't think about, and then you decided that you weren't going to think about it, which is very paradoxical then you have to know and not know at the same time, and then that is naturally how it works. It did it's more common Katy than that you know, let's that you come home from work and you are in a bad mood and that happens right and You know your wife for your husband or your child, or your dog does something that

minor league annoying and you get all upset about it, and why dog, doesn't ask you if it still likes you but you're here, your wife for you, I might say well, you know, what's up with you can earn. Your wife is likely to say that our your husband, what's up with you, you know like you're overreacting, not overreacting like while you're crabby about something I'm not crowding about anything like yeah! You are what are you crazy about what you don't know well. This is an interesting thing in all that that some can upset you and you We don't know what it is, and then you know if you're for The person that you're with will torture you a bunch and make to figure out what you're crabby about, and you won't be happy about that you know, and so times are largely result in tears. Even when you realize what it is that that's upsetting you, and who the hell wants to go through. That Nobody in so you know you just avoid that, but

It's not a good idea. What you want to do, is you wanna take what you're upset about this part What you do in psychotherapy, so people come to it. There are precedents, are upset want to figure out what their upset about, and so you say. Well, what might you be upset about you know and then, I guess it's like what to think about it as Linkara like maybe the person started, deck, two decks of cards in their hand and they're laying all the cards out on the table. You know that's a metaphor: you lay your cards out on the table. That's what you do with someone you so person comes to therapy because things aren't going for them. The way that they would like them to go, because otherwise, why would they be there but it isn't necessarily obvious why and so on, Just listen! A bunch is like what what's your problem, what can problem is why don't really know, but I'm not happy what? What might your problem be? Less guess. Added stupidly wander around a bit. You know it's like doing about. First draft its

think well maybe it's this I might be upset about this or it might be upset about this or upset about what happened to me. When I was a kid you know. Where am I upset at work, or you know I am not happy with my kids or I'm not happy with my wife, I'm not happy with myself or, like you know, there's all sorts of reasons you might be upset when you find, if you do that if people you let the wander through domain of bees upset? Is that they come out with, already things they might be upset about, but almost right away. They can figure out the fifteen of those things are twenty. Those things are irrelevant. They can take them off the table, but they can't you I'm off the table till they laid them on the table to live till they walk through it. You know, that's part of the plan, the prior part of the process by which emotion becomes articulated because your emotions will signal to you that something's wrong, but they were tell you why? Because emotions aren't very high resolution here,

you know, because maybe your boss makes an off hand, comment made off had comment two weeks ago and some part who thinks that maybe a promotion that you deserved is now not in the works, but you did Henry noticed that you know what it did get got you it wasn't. It wasn't the response she wanted from your boss, and so God only knows what it signifies and its it's your mood sideways and then it makes you susceptible outbursts at home. That's very difficult! big down into that, and you know you might have to admit to yourself that you really want the that you really the promotion and maybe you have to- we haven't done everything you possibly could to deserve. It and maybe you have to dig The fact that your relationship with your boss isn't everything it could be and then you'd have to fear. You're, not working as hard at work, as you cause you're resentful. It's like Jesus, it's just a bloody morass down there. You know.

You see this with couples who are on the verge of divorce? They can talk because everything they say is a minefield, You know when it's a minefield so every time because associated with the same discussion? That's ok, repeatedly for the last twenty years and never been sorted out and so every single sky This is a minefield and then you egg to that, you find that there's like bit behind the needs, contentious sentence. That's when you have people sitting there in your office with their arms crossed it every time. One of them says something the other one roles arise and by the way, that's good. Picture of divorce dead serious. If you wanna predictor of divorce, it's like you're, your husband, your wife talks. You roll your eyes like you guys, you're done! That's that's contempt! You know and once the contempt settles in very, very difficult to reverse it and the contempt hasn't settle in if there hasn't been

thousand hours of non communicative fights and that's part, that wish that people can hide things in the fog. It's like upset, and I bloody well don't know want to know why. It's no wonder, and so the front repression, ideas wrong! It's because you don't know what it is. Upsetting you, and then you refuse to face it, it's more subtle than that is that your emotions hint at you that something isn't the way it should be, and then you you You can remain unconscious merely by not attending to that. I don't want to. I don't want to think about that. It's like a well, no wonder, but what Do you gonna wait even collect all these, errors around you write in an immense number of unsolved errors. You do that long enough. In your whole, life is just a morass of unsolved errors, and then you really don't want to think about it and then you're really done

and so well, what's the rule don't hide unwanted things in the fog boy. You know marriage and that your wandering through the fog in there and there's there's pits that it fall into knitters, there's knives that you could impale yourself on their sharp edges everywhere. So like well That's terrible the world's it's terrible that the world's full of pets and sharp edges knives hidden the fog so yeah. If you'd dispersed the fog. Well then pets are still there and saw the sharp edges knives. But you don't have to fall into them, because you can just walk round them. You know that that's. Another reason why so useful deface things it's like. Well, if you, if you, if you Come articular about what it is. That's disturbing you then you sharpened up. You sharp, up your representations of the catastrophe, let's say, and then you can, then you can it turns That is much more probable

you can deal with it, you don't you be sure, because sometimes you just screwed Well, that's why you end up dying right. It's like I'm dead series about this. I don't wanna be you know. I want to be stupidly, optimistic, sometimes you can be backed into a corner and there's no escape that happened, but Most of the time. It's not the case, most of the time, if you, if you if you're willing to make the situation clear right, which is a matter of facing it, and then click fighting it. It's a curse. This thing to do that's a beard, the dragon in its den. You know if you do that, then you find that this situation resolves into a set of problems that are smaller than you originally assumed they would be and a much higher probability that you can decomposed the problems and then start to address them and it doesn't matter because it's it's your best bet like you,

If it doesn't work and it might not, it's like you, don't have a better strategy. There is not a better strategy. Does not have a strategy than to seek out the dragon in its den, even though Some possibility that you'll get burned to I spend that you won't get the gold its better than waiting at home in your bed quivering. Well, the thing grows and comes in and each you because for sure. You lose knots, much how life works. So that's what that's chapters bout going to read the rest of these because I'm not going to get through but I can at least that you know what they are rule five. Abandoned. Etiology rule six the one I've just been working on this one just bought killed me so very, very different. Was writing was very difficult to write this. This cool one. No,

it's. That opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated, I'm going to return to that one set such a strange thing to to learn do not things that you hate a variant and wrote a rule in the first book, which was tell the truth? Please don't lie formulated it that way, because what you don't know how to tell the truth, because what the hell do you? No one, but you you can maybe not lie. Can sometimes you know you're going to say something and you know it's a lie and you could just not lie and sometimes you just don't know, and while then you know your ignorance, that's irreducible in some sense, but so maybe you can't the truth, because you don't know the truth, but you can not lie this is the behavioral equivalent of this. You know, because you and do things that you hate it's the same as lying is just its acting out of a lie. Think well I have.

Things that I hate it's like well. Don't be so sure about that or maybe you have an ethical lot. Doesn't maybe maybe that's not a good enough reason. Maybe have an ethical obligation to not things. You hate the same way that you have an ethical obligation not to lie, and excuse, while I had to do it's, not my be, it might even be valid in some sense cause. You can find yourself in situations where your terribly constrain. The problem is not helpful. You know lies will come back to haunt you and same thing happens when you do things that you hate gets the behavioral equivalent of a law, it will absolutely come back to haunt you and if you know situation, where you are required to do that, for whatever reason. Well, that's tear. For you in and maybe there's no way out of. It are no simple way out of it, but you're gonna get you to be punished for it. Not. By yourself, not least by the degeneration of your character- was a terrible,

because you actually need your character in order to survive right. Your character is this. That you have to bring to bear in the world and if you come from that? Will then you absolutely pay for that. So try to make one room in your house as beautiful as possible. That's a fun one, because it's very big it is a bit of a meditation on beauty. You no beauty the mysterious thing. It isn't obvious what it is or why its valuable it's kind of an intimidating thing. You know, because. Well because we're all flawed. And so, if we encounter something beautiful, then you know it's it's in some sense to encounter something. Beautiful is also to become aware of all the ways that you're not that, and so it's too it's too it's to dare to to encounter and ideal.

But shames you. I would say in its part, why people are afraid of beauty, but beauty is also a window into. I don't know exactly it's a window into something transcendent. You know. Think most people experience this directly when they listen to music is most people like music, and you know we might differ in music, we consider beautiful, but virtually everyone has a genre that speaks to them of something beautiful and and there's something Hence we meaningful and sustaining about that, and you know so this rule is about. While attempting to do something like that in your life. You know you can take a little corner, that's not a whole room because the first suggestion Had I didn't write, this is rule, but it's become rather popular meme is to go to court up. Your room put your room in order, before you try to put the world in order? That would be a good thing. put your ruin order, but maybe ask

you put your room in order to try to make it beautiful, because that's that's the next step of elevation is. Could you take thing. That's merely organised and functional and elevated to the next level. Could you dare eighty interact with with something that's beauty, could you reach that high? You know that forms your life? That's, why aren't transforms people's lives, because a great of art is like a portal through which beauty pours and it can pour over everything. It's a terrifying thing. It is pretty said. That's why we put frames around paintings is to keep beauty stock in the painting you don't wanna, leaking out all over the house and causing trouble. You know it's bad enough. That is right there in front of you. Telling you how things could be, but aren't stated, to you that there's more work to do that, you're not doing, and that here thing is far more worth attending to then you have the time to attend. To the great painting.

As that you know, maybe maybe you think of it, freshness to goes out and painter like a haystack think that was money painted all this tax. Never remember its monnier many doesnt matter, he painted these not my demanded to Hamburg, Does not this story. debate at all these haystacks under different conditions of light. In hell Very different in color, you think what you might think, if you're not very soon, Kate, and why would someone paint the same haystack over and over and answer that was, if you gets the same haystack you're, not paying any attention, because its unbelievably different in Owen, most of the time. We only have a chance to glance at something, but an artist to look at something that you'd only glance at and look at it and look look out at work on it represented and then reminds you when you can I remind you that everything is worth looking at deeply, even though you don't have the time to do it and it's a

it's a window into the the right. Of reality that outside of your casual glance, and it connects with that in if you dare to, if you do to engage with beauty than It serves as a reminder that you're connected to some- it's beyond your comprehension of the time and then that good thing to know it's in some sense. It's like in some sense it's like letting God into your life. You know that's why beauty is a window into the divine that's literally true- or maybe you have a better explanation for beauty- is not an easy thing to explain. You know it it it's an easy thing to explain the fact that it ended its attractive than it's terrifying and challenging all at the same time like what what is it that's lurking in there that has that effect definitely something that beyond the mundane, you know by definition and it's something to set up,

something in your house. That's beyond the mundane beckoned to you. You know it's a daring, to do and people are terrified of it, and so they won't do it. And it's no wonder, but but it's a great thing to dare. Plan and work diligently plan and work diligently to maintain the romance in your relationship. That's a good one funny one the way, because you did that first part sends a lot different than the second part plan and work diligently. Ok, that sort of one conception, for Sir one conceptual realm too maintain the romance in your relationship. It's like nor those things don't go together, you know, but they do. They do. Clinical psychologist, I often encouraged my clients to date. There way for I have a date we're not getting along,

When was the last time you you you did it romantic together was like a year ago, really really meant might be. One reason: you're not getting along. Or maybe it's a symptom of the fact that you're not getting along well, do you do you go with each other. Well, we don't have the time welfare enough. You know you know life. Life gets in the way you know if, if you're you, both a job and you have little kids you know maybe have some other responsibilities is very easy for the romantic part of your relationship to falter priority eleven of one to ten and you never get to it. You know, And so then I would tell my clients what what are you? What are you going to date? one sitting there in one sitting there they want everything to do with each other and the first. I think, as I wish, we would have gone and seen the different therapist and then the next thing. They think it's ok we'll do it.

we'll do it grudgingly and we're not going to enjoy it and that'll show you that you're wrong, and so then they come back can, you know me they went to a movie so going so well. We had a terrible time when a test time. We couldn't agree on the movie and then we into the movie, and we just fought afterwards and we To a lousy, little restaurant and it was a wretched where the wretched time whenever doing out again, and then they look at me, their victorious and I think maybe I see that's your theory. You'd ever going to do that again. You're a solution to the lack of romance in your relationship like cars very good at it. You stuck with this person, so Maybe you go on ten dates and, like the just one in a hundred percent wretched in the next one is only ninety five percent wretched, and so that's a really good trajectory. You know by the time you get to the fifteenth date, maybe you can the tolerate each other again and if you did it,

many times will maybe you'd be half way good added. If you're going to be married for fifty years, you might as well put effort into it. Have thirty wretched Mary dates so that you can get good at it. You know You know what didn't you don't think about it, because people are there sort of naive and arrogant at the same time. What we should be just go out and have a romantic time like really you should just be able to do. That's what makes you think that you're good at that. You know it's like if you're sixteen- and you know your hormones are raging? You have absolutely no experience whatsoever and you go out on a date maybe it'll, be Roma, probably won't probably be just bloody, wretched and horrible, but it might be romantic and wonderful and then maybe I'll remember that for the rest of your life, but I mean has a very strange concatenation of of aid

naivety and and and overwhelming hormonal influence its like it's, you it's it's just something that happened to you the romance in a relationship that long term is an art it has to be fostered, it has to be invested in you know and people who like to think TAT, because you think well. Sex should be pontanus. So, like good luck with that, you know it's like, maybe not Forget it it's not over the long run. If you have to time. You know one of when your first trying to. What impress someone that you might want to sleep whether have a relationship with you won't, the time and effort into it It also. Why would you do the same thing with the person that you can live with for the rest of your life? So why would think about is something that's a necessary investment in the rule of thumb that I've discovered to them. Is you want to have

successful long term relationship one? Is you gotta talk to each other for ninety minutes a week, painful at home. Conversations like war, what have you been up to and what have I been up to and what am I worried about and what am I thinking about like I've got a narrative of my life and you ve got one and we have this string them together. Takes about ninety minutes a week of just someone. I've just practice communication to about what has to happen in the household. What has to happen with the kids and, what's going on with the clear in what way the car needs to be fixed in no just the mundane realities of the domestic economy. That has to be done. Asked and you need ninety minutes of that or you fall behind and you get separate And then you need the same amount of time devoted to something approximating intimacy in romance and that should be made into an art and it requires effort and work. It's not spontaneous like. Maybe if you get really good at it, you know if you watch

ballroom dancers or their action Look spontaneous is like yeah. Well, they practise ten thousand hours before they got to be expert. And why would you assume that. You were a lot stereo without putting in the effort. You know, an easy thing to keep that spark alive vital across decades, to be awake and careful, and you have to make it a priority and so there is that planning and diligent work and its worthwhile thinking. So what do you want? You want? You want a life without romance cycle pleasure is there in life, you know there's a handful of pleasures, that's all now they're easily foregone and then they're gone better to plan and work. Diligently to maintain them. Read you, the other.

Rule nine is, if old memory still make you cry, write them down carefully incompletely that's a good one. If something is bothering you from the past and you think about it, still makes you upset party, you stuck back there, This party, your soul, that stock back there and you need it in the present your lesser then you should be, and fact that those memories still contain the emotion. Isn't it the occasion that that part of experience has not been sufficiently articulated and that you have not been freed from the past. So that's it small thing to know a Answers about a good rule of thumb and there's actually neurological reasons for that. So, if, if something plaguing you, though those will be often memories that recur, sometimes their nightmares recur if its plaguing

If it comes back up, this still bothers me. Well then you're you're you're, stuck in the past, as part of you is part of No better way of putting it now, there's part of your soul that stuck in the past and you to rescue it. You need to bring it up to the present because, like is demanding enough so that it takes all of you here and now to deal with it properly and if you're stuck in the past, then. Your weaker than you, then you have to be and you'll pay for that But if you write them down, if you write the memories down, if you thoroughly set them and analyze the charter, understand what went wrong and how that might not be duplicated in the future. Then you can. I'll tell you a story, then: maybe stop with this would like to read the rest of these rules right

Rule eleven be grateful in spite of your suffering. Twelve. Do not allow yourself to become result, resentful, deceitful, arrogant, I'll. Tell you story about being stuck in the past. It's quite interesting. I know this man who was very badly abused when he was a child, really Rick Manner- and he told me at one point that he's about fifty said he had looked in the mirror for thirty five years Stand looking at himself and so thirty five years, and then he was having these dreams the abuse and in the dreams he was still five years old and being abused, and so I told her you gotta look in the mirror, don't know how old you are. You have to look here. we're hiding things in the fog and it's not Bloody wonder I'll, tell you

you went through what he went through. You would hide them in the fog too, but doesn't matter does it happened, has to be dealt with, and so look in the mirror. For now did look in the mirror for an hour, and he said he did that it made him cry. He didn't know he was old, it was a shop. you know, but he said it was really useful and in it made him sad, but it also made him happy. At the same time, he experienced all sorts of emotions you know and so and then. I also told him. Okay, so you haven't he's terrible dreams about being abused, so you have to look in the mirror. Cuz, you don't know how old you are. There's a party that doesn't know how old you are and so in the dream: you're still five and you still evict them you're still five year old victim, but your five man you're fifty, it's like that. To be updated. That's not happening to you anymore, because you're different person, but part. Who doesn't know it got looking yourself? No, that's a horrifying thing to do.

looking yourself, I said well, when you have the dream, you it's terrible nightmare, you wake up, then what you do is you think about that nightmare? You re, live it. That's another therapeutic technique, Turning to help someone get over post, traumatic stress disorder, let's say they were violently sexually assaulted, but it was while back and so having recurrent nightmares about that, it still really really sterling them one of the things you Do as you have they be matching the assault in as much detail as they can manage and the more detail they can, a man they can imagine it in and more upset they get well. They imagined it the faster they get better and the longer the recovery lasts that some, That's really worth knowing. So I suggested to him that we have, Mere that, in the day he remembered the nightmare voluntarily. So what That means like well, you know it, Frightens frightened you and you avoided, then what happens is that when you avoided you're telling yourself that that thing is so frightening that you have to avoid it,

and so your brain thinks well, that's a bigger monster than you are a warrior, but and if you think no, I'm gonna turn around and face it whenever it is, then you send the reverse messages like no matter how terrible that is, and it can be pretty damn terrible. It's not terrible that I can't look at it. And so then you get bigger and it get smaller, and I explained that to you know and said you: you can't try, those dreams are terrible and no wonder they disturb you. You concentrate on bringing them to mine voluntarily and so on. Happened? Was he started age in streams took about three months? can I talk to use up to thirty five that happened over about a three month period and even He had been stuck that way for forty five Five years to turn around and face that that was an example of that. We just look here for a second.

Of all memory still make you cry his example of facing things, and, and an banishing wish banishing the ghosts from the shadows know so. Well, I didn't really expect to talk to you only about them, new book tonight, but I guess that's what happened so What'll, I close with with what I have observed, I guess over the last year, what speed so cool about all of this you know is that what have I been. trying to do. been trying to bring what I knew learned about about proper clinical practice, in the deepest sense to as many people as I can possibly manage. You know. That's that's part of that's a reasonable goal for someone is professor and educator, and clinical psychologists graded seems like an appropriate thing to do in one.

Those that underlies twelve rules for life is, I say it's an ethical. It's it's aids in the fundamental sense. I think it's true that. It's me better to tell the truth and it is to lie it's better cuz. It makes you life better, in every possible way and and and and even importantly, it makes your life less horrible but even if it doesnt bring Heaven on earth, to you. It might keep Hale at Bay, and that is really something really something to know that it's important to adopt responsibility. That's the one rule I wanted to return to opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated. That's a very, very cool thing to to note is that there's sports ability for setting the world right that lays all around you and you can tell that these things. Bother you about the world. Pray on you and they might even undermine your faith in existence itself casting

set right. You know, but then that's a voice inside of you. That says well there is a right and things could be set that way, because why would you be bothered otherwise it wouldn't disturb you, but it does disturb you and it's because you ve got in there, the core cor when you're disturbed by the fact that things are set right. That's actually call to you to set them right. It's two adventure. Hence a call to. Opportunity, you know been talking people all over the world about that, and people spawn very positively to that, because, while I guess it isn't something that we ve been very good at our in other words, a mess and also. Ways and it disturbs us deeply and it's easy for to turn away from that, and it's easy to become cynical and bitter and then worse, but it's not the right approach, the right just to think all look. I've noticed the things aren't right. Bothering me, you know enough to undermine me like what should I do about that's like what? Maybe I should do something about it. Maybe that's. The first

My conscience is bothered my sense propriety. My sense of functioning properly in the world is disturbed by my observation. That things are right. Isn't it the occasion that I haven't. fiscal responsibility to do. Something about that. Why else would have bother me than you think? You know what where's the meaning in life to be found There's a meaning in life, where is it to be found, will maybe that's words to be found its like it to be found in the sports ability that manifest. Sid self when you realise that things are out of kilter out of order. And then it bothers you like what bothers you. That's what calls you forward into who you could be at what cost. Forward into participating in the process of setting the world right and there's meaning in that and and it's not just like a logical meaning. You know it's not just to psychological phenomenon, because it turns out that you know. Maybe you not happy

the way that your family is constituted. The way everyone is not getting along need decide you going to do something about that makes you feel better cause you're doing something about it and great you feel better, that's the cycle. Ethical meaning, but it's the case that you are genuinely a problem solver, it's possible that you could help your family communicate better and then that would be a psychological improvement there natural improvement Does seem to me that we're capable actual improvements, as well as psychological improvements in and if we took our. Are these. Taste for the world seriously and noticed that that was a call from. Conscience to action that we start to act forthrightly in the world and set things right and then the quest would be well how right they be set, You know I said well. Opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated. Well, that I learned opportunity. That's the wind that blows you into a port. That's what up

unity means that's the derivation and responsibility is the wind that blows you into a port there are things that are crying out to be done, and you know And it can make you better, so I know it's like you could do them you can start doing them? You could try to do them. That would be something God only knows what you could accomplish if you did that bottom. We knows what you could transform yourself into. If you did that, and then that's seems to me to be the adventure of life. It's like one who are you exactly? What harry find it out we'll take on Sports ability for making things better. and see how far you can go with that, and you know I've talked a thousand Of people over the last year and being so fun, people after the talks, or maybe I meet them on the street and say, look I've been trying. This I've been trying to tell the truth, or at least not to live in trying to sort my family out been trying to take on more responsibility, develop Bit of a vision for my life a little bit

this plan, you know what it's really working hours in a terribly dark and place, and I started to set things straight carefully and things are way better like well. You know maybe that's true, happy so cool If it was true, you know maybe Maybe we have what is necessary within us to cope with life. How terrible life is we can we cope with it, but we can actually improve it and then, substantially in and continually and we can find meaning in that, and we can make things better and so well what I'm hoping will happen, and I think that that's why so many people are coming to listen to these talks is because people have some sense that you know that no possibility that they can participate in that and that there isn't anything better, that they could pass we be doing, and And then I'm hoping that,

era of unparalleled possibility that sort of stretches itself out in front of us now that if there is enough people who get their act together, You know as individuals who are each at the centre of the world. If enough of us get our act together, then maybe we can take that and this possibility that's come along with our technological. What's our technologic, potency and we can make things so much better than they already that we can hardly even imagine it and like what the hell that's worth pursuing man, that's worth. Investing in like why one do that, and so I hope that you do that, and I'm very thankful that I have had the opportunity talk to you about it and and- and it was pleasure to speak with all of you so

So good night. Truly in and I wouldn't lie- we ve done a hundred. Some odd shows that honestly might have been the best ending of any of the shows that we ve done it. I mean you guys beyond our right now by the way I want to give a quick shout out. I don't have you saw there was a young lady doing sign language right here that quite possibly might have been the most difficult hour and a half a sign language in the history of the world. So you guys multi level is a big right now so give it up for her.

so we're gonna do a culinary you guys sent in a to questions before I do that, though where's Julia, who I was emailing with today, Julia the up there somewhere. So Julia runs in eighty W San, Diego group and she's, inviting all you guys, Gas lamp tavern on fifth after the show, make a guest appearance we'll see well say so. So check that out after the show and I should tell you guys: does actually Jordan's computer And we ve gotten close. I had the password he's on twitter right now. I could ended all tonight tonight, Jordan, Peters and everybody

man. You are ready to do. The last you show tonight he I got enough sleep. Today, I guess and eight enough steak he's ninety percent state. You want to go to the gas lamp after the show. what we were off with all three thousand a view that should be fun. We got some deep once we're gonna go deep tonight. Are there any? topics you choose to avoid. Not really I mean one of that, I think one of my peculiar eddies. a very long list by the way is that I'm

willing to have conversations that other people won't have, and some are that's really. One of the things I think I've learned partly from what I've studied, but also partly because of all the work clinically is that. Terrible as it is to have a hard conversation. The alternative is always worse. because one of the things that I became convinced of in in my clinical practice My personal life was that. No one ever gets away with anything ever. People think they get away with things, but it's because their blind, they, Blind themselves to the consequences of their actions, you don't show me Look come to see me in the therapeutic setting and

I have a problem and then we'll untangle it you know. Maybe we have to go back fifteen or twenty years to untangle. It is this Something back there that wasn't an air was not always necessarily an error that they made. It might have been an error that someone else made a moral. There is always something at the bottom of it what's even more horrible. Is that its very frequently the case that, what's at the bottom of it, was something that the person knew was wrong when they did it and then forgot, and yet untangle it all right down to the bottom and ugly terrible terrible ugliness at the bottom like surgery in some sense and you can fix that in those are horrible conversations and you really have to pursue have to pursue the problem right to the bitter end to and done do it. you have to do this in a marriage which is very difficult thing to do to make peace,

But I know that the consequences of not doing that is worse. And so even The conversation is terribly difficult easier than not having it as hard as it is. Its part, because on pessimistic in in I'm pessimistic in it, I dont believe that there is an easy out. You do solve the damn problem. More never goes away. There's this line in the old testament that the sin The father we'll be visited on the sun's for seven generations it something like until you think caught that's not very fair, what sort of Suzette that up like, but it it's The truth of the matter is that if you, twist in the fabric of reality with deceit. You know with it with an immoral action that twist does. Never goes away until someone strains it out

it stays there and it causes trouble. It generates catastrophe, and so then you have to go in and. Sorted out, as do you have to go down as deep as you possibly can and set it right, and then maybe you get some peace. That's a good thing to pursue its peace. If you can do it, but this he's doesn't do occur as a consequence of avoiding you, dont get is by pretending that you have peace, that doesnt work you get peace by noticing that you don't have peace and then doing something about it. That's what it said in the new testament. I think that's why Chris said that he came to bring a sword the sword is something that divides. You know it cuts judges. It discriminate differentiates that makes peace you cut away. What is an appropriate and new?

dispense with it, and its painful but it leaves what's healthy behind and so No, there are topics that that I avoid that doesn't mean that I would I'm happy to undertake them. You know it's, it's a pain. But it's not as bad as the alternative period. Like this one. it's your plan after you win this revolution, no pressure. While the win ideas funny one, you know because win in implies that you that year,

it implies the defeat of some one, and I think that for sir There's only one kind of victory, I think that's real and that's it That's whatever victory is. hard, what its whatever the victory there is in attempting to maintain your integrity under I in conditions, you know. One of the things that I decided a long time ago, the kind of notice that there were two ways that you can induct yourself in the world. I wrote about this in twelve rules for life in the chapter do it is meaningful and not what is expedient. I learn that.

You know you can use your language to craft the outcomes that you desire, and so if you're talking to someone you can decide what you want from them, and then you can craft your language to get that. You can call that a victory. You know, and I think that's often why I think a lot about pathologies your last. Dental election. I think one of the Fundamental faults of Hillary Clinton was that everything she did was crafted for a particular outcome. So, if you want We president, what do you do if you want to be You say everything that you should say. If you want to be president, but then you can, What you say can't be trusted because it isn't a representation of the world. It's a tool to obtain something from the world. Its manipulative and you might say, was necessary if you wanna be President's like well. First of all, I don't think it is necessary.

Kind of all its, not obvious that if you become president under those circumstances that there anything left a view by the time you become president, Think people, and I'm not I'm not trying to contrast her brutally with Trump sense with tromp was that people preferred the unscriptural, and pulse of lies of Donald Trump to this scripted and carefully formulated lies of Clinton. But there is another way to use your language and that way and to just say what you think to say what you believe to be the case as carefully as you possibly can and then to let the chips fall? you're going to, and I think that's the right way to live. I think that doubts that's the essence of faith fundamentally,

is to believe that truth will prevail, the strange thing to believe, because when you say things that you believe to be true, the The consequence of that might not be good. It can get you a lot of trouble. Everyone knows that that look, Why do you lie because telling the truth will get you in trouble, obviously so, why not tell the truth? It's gonna get me in trouble. It's like well yeah, take the lie, isn't gonna get you in trouble like? What's not gonna get in trouble right now, but what? tomorrow and in next month in the next year, slight, which Those two things are you going to trust in the long run? Well, so I think that like for whatever victory would be in this. the victory that I would like to attain in this in my life would be that I would be able to say what I believe, be true

it could maintain that There is a great adventure in that. You don't know, what's going to happen, you know you can predicted exactly it's like it's possible that it'll be worse than you think it will be, but it is also possible that it would be much better in this necessary obvious, which of those is more terrifying by the way, because it I'd be way different, at least in what you are expecting. It's very rare a thing to say what you think and to tell the truth, it's an extraordinarily radical act, it lays you open to watching how the world concerned Itself Self in relationship to the truth, or at least the truth, in so far as you can order it, you think there's no There is another way of finding meaning in life. Is there's no, you know, I think they want to have a meaningful life, but meaning is a terrifying thing. It sort of like beauty can be absolutely overwhelming?

if you allow yourself to say what you think you try to tell the truth? You can't predict outcome, then all sorts of things are going to aggregate change around you that will be a great adventure and then not adventures. That's where you will discover the meaning of your life. Victory for me would to be, would be to be able to do that. because I don't think about I dont think about this is. I suppose, sometimes when I descend so to speak into the realm of the political them things get polarized. You know I mean I'm not happy with the post modern types and I dont like the radical leftists. They really stir me with their collectivist viewpoint, but but partly because that violates the principle of individual autonomy and sovereignty, that's associated with individual truth, I don't think about it as political. I think I dont think its political

I dont think of it as political, I think of it as an assault on this more fundamental way of being you're an individual. You have your individual truth. You need to manifest that new world. You need to take responsibility for that and anything It threatens that I think, is the deepest of threats and so but victory as far as I'm Concerned- would be- that. I am able to. I am able to say what I am able to continue to say what I think and not be dissuaded from that That would be enough, and so So far that seems to be no, on wood. Despite all my flaws, that seems to be working out. Ok, so hopefully, that will continue and nothing to catastrophic will happen,

As long as you mentioned, Tramping Clinton, this seems like a good said way. will you move to America and run for president? Let's put aside the legal issue for just a SEC. Yeah the possibility of my muslim birth. I've I've thought about I've been tempted, let's say by the thought of a political career Continually throughout my life, you know, but I never pursued it and it's seems to me rather unlikely that I will have talked about way about it recently again, not not in the american context. Obviously, because that's well, that's obviously.

There's, u dont think about things that are possible once it's not useful and I also not sure that that's a job than anyone can do. You know I mean. It looks like an impossible job to me. I have a lot of empathy for the people who hold the office because the response ability of that office is just, and the complexity is just beyond imagination to why they get people who take that job also fast. No wonder. Some of them start out all too. When, when push comes to shove, I've always been more interested in this cycle lodge I'm more intimate interested in the individual. I am more psychologically I think the I think my Most effective strategy. Personally and socially, is to this too

operate at the level of the fortification of the individual and not They can lose political implications of that. The pudding applications are they are have been for me. Is that whenever I see political, ok, since that limit the degree to which the individual can be made more effective. Then I feel morally compelled to object to them at work fire. Directed to the legislation in Canada is like no you don't Tell me why, I'm going to say I don't care what your damn reasons are on me. What I say, Get to decide that for me, I think that your invading the territory of my soul at that point- and I don't care, If your reasons are high, pathetic compassion. of all. Why should I trust your bloody compassion, but makes it

you're a saint. So you know that's the rude. That's the suggestion, yours compassionate that you get to move. My mouth with your hand like no cuts, That's that's on me, and so its political action. I guess in some sense, but it was. I don't really think it is fundamentally political because I think that are under. Because I believe that the political jumped its domain, and started to transgress against things that it should have left alone. And this whatever we're doing here together, every manifested itself. Let's say in these books that I've written and the impact that they ve had. The Youtube videos and all of that. That seems more. it seems more effective than anything else. I can do.

When talking to lots of political types and that's ok, but I think that. I think it would be a step. What would you call would be a regressive step on my part to do that? given opportunities that I have to enter the medical realm- it's not right, and I don't think I'm cut out for either you know like. I don't like conflict. I know I know well, it's true, though, like you know it me three days to recover from one of those contentious interviews. I don't, I don't enjoy it at all. I said at the beginning of this key Renee that, like there conversations I would have. Doesn't mean that I don't find them stressful, theirs. Swell much rather have much rather do this, it's much

would you weigh more pleasant to come and talk to three thousand a view them to talk to one g q journalist for ninety minutes, and so I dont think I don't think I can tolerate that that polluting stress. You know that that that I don't think I'm cut out for it. So. So what you're saying yeah kid he's gonna run for president everybody, we all heard it So I do know how this one didn't come up in the hundred plus shows. What's your biggest regret in life, I think that I've dealt with most of my regrets. I dont think that I'm carrying a lot of

unresolved passed along with me. You know I never really think of the past. I have thought about it. A lot I've tried to you know, there's this. This section in the gulag archipelago. We're Solzhenitsyn describes the Red destruction of his spirit in the work camps and. He undergoes this process of repentance, he starts I understand that he's he's had terrible seek. That is true. Sequence of catastrophes has befallen him. That could easily be laid at the feet of Hitler and Stalin in if you need villains. Those are those are high. Quality credible villains view need someone to blame man. There was a

at the top of the list of credible people, to blame and You know he was on the The russian front in in World WAR two and then thrown to the workhouse. By Stalin had a very terrible time of it. but he came to understand that part of the reason that things had turned out so badly for him was that he had compromised his own integrity and all sorts of ways over the course of his life and one things he did was to go over his life. He said a fine tooth comb- and this figure and to try to remember we that he had done in the past, that Violated his own sense of moral virtue, so really interesting exercise, you know Go you shouldn't do the things you shouldn't do things that are wrong like ok. wrong by whose standards could say what you shouldn't do things that other people think are wrong. Well, you could debate that, but

deeper. Its deeper question is like well. Maybe I shouldn't do the things that you think are wrong say that you ve done a whole bunch of things in your life that were wrong and lets say that you warp the fabric of reality, because you ve done those things that were wrong and that if you dont repent for them in repair them than that, then, though, in those areas that you woven into the fabric of things they stay. They they stay repaired, and so have to repent and a tone right too. The classical language tone means to to. become one again. You know and so Solzhenitsyn said that he did that he thought well can't go back exactly and rectify the past, but maybe I can make amends in the present for all the things that I left undone and I would say that that

I wouldn't say that I have done that successfully, but I couldn't say that I have tried to do that and I'm, trying to do that and so. I'm atoning for what I regret about the by trying to behave as carefully as I possibly can in the present and that seems to be, can't think of any better thing to do about it than that and. And so in some sense the whatever regrets. I have our being. Yeah, I'm intoning for them sufficiently so that their not plaguing me Pleased with when I look at the life, I'm grateful for it. You know.

The ups and the downs, and I think that. Well, I some sense too. I think that I'm sort of I'm privilege to atone for it that's an inch. Same thing is that it it's really something you have the opportunity to set what you ve done. You have the opportunity to set what you ve done wrong right. You could do that. And that is a privilege and it's a privilege to try to do that. Think I could put things right. So there isn't a better thing to there. Isn't anything better to do than that, and you can put things Right by your own standards, you know mean people feel guilty. I can become pathological. You know you, you can feel too much guilt to calibrate you're guilt. You have to have a dialogue with your conscience, it's not infallible.

but you do have a sense of right and wrong. And if you follow that sense- and you put things right than you could find out how right things could be. And then you wouldn't have you decide. With the regret conditions you would put things right as well. and that's what you should do. Far as I can tell so

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you and your long hundred twenty plus the United States tour, I'm gonna, get out of the way, makes a noise regard. Peter said everybody out tonight. If you found this conversation, mean volume might think about picking up dad's books, massive meaning the architecture police or as new a bestseller twelve rules for life, an antidote to chaos. Both of these works down much deeper into the topics covered in the Jordan me Petersen, Pie cast, see join me Petersen, now, com for audio e book and tax links or pick up the Bugsy. Your favorite bookseller, remember to check out Jordan, be Petersen, not calm, slash personality for information on his new Equus and, if you want some support, are grouped offer accountability on figuring out your health check, outline diet, club doc on really hope you enjoy this by casting. If you dead, please leave a raining. An apple pie cast a common to review. We share this episode with a friend thanks for doing and merry Christmas happy holidays and talking in a couple of weeks, follow me on my Youtube channel. Jordan be Petersen on Twitter. After you, ve Petersen on Facebook, Doktor Jordan be Petersen and Instagram Jordan Dog be dark Petersen. Details on this show access to my blog information about moving towards AIDS and other events and my list, a recommended books can be found on my website. Jordan be Petersen Nord COM, my online writing programmes designed to help people street note. There pasts understand themselves in the present and develop a sophisticated vision and strategy for the future can be found itself authoring dawn com that sell for three dot com from the West would one podcast network.