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Oh, the from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern love, the stories of love, loss and redemption. I'm your host magnetar Cromartie the moment in time. Sometimes that's all. It takes to shift a relationship. Change of perspective, alter a future in this week's episode. We relive one of those moments with golden Globe and Emmy Award winning Actress America, Ferrera known for a b c's ugly, Betty Anne Nb C's superstore Fasten your seat belts as she

Mara, Gordon's, modern love essay broken not bound by an intimate tie. This guy wasn't right for me. He smoke cigarettes. His. Here were stained, his hair always looked a little dirty and you have propensity for heavy drinking and Africans cursing. Yet there I was my cat, putting his and sticky heat. As the bus hurtled through the tanzanian countryside, I told myself, this was my adventure. The kind of story I could someday tell my children to prove. I once was brave and interesting wedged into a three person

behind the driver, along with a sullen teenager, we had to lean in close to hear each other over the roar of the engine. Look at the moon. He said gesturing to the rising dusk. This is going to be a good trip. I group the expatriates in EAST Africa into three categories: the Ex Colonials residual, the racist types who ran exploitative businesses and drink heavily, the religious missionaries and the aid workers, many of whom also drank heavily, but had

convince themselves. They were saving the world. I was in the last group most of my friends and I were there on short term assignments: selling solar powered lamps and researching Swahili sign language for dissertations. Before returning to our lives back home, I was working in public health entertaining dreams of being a foreign correspondent. As I prepared for a more realistic option, medical school, I was, as I would say, with a smirk in it for the long run that meant a year in Tanzania, maybe two after a string of romances with men who had finished their work, and left the country within a few weeks of kissing me two years in this transient world felt like a long time this man defied the easy categories. I had come up with

He was living in Dar es salaam indefinitely. He had grown up in Africa, and although he had family in the Netherlands who urged him to come live in Europe, he chose to run an intense and NEA working for a tourist company and taking wealthy foreigners on Safari, he loved being outdoors in the national parks to which he would retreat for weeks at a time that was how he persuaded me to go away with him. He described the beach at night, the sounds of Africa round us it's going to be wicked. He said and I'll finally get to share a tent with you, and so there we were zooming northward from the city, our arms, barely touching the sun set behind us and the moon rose in the front window. I was wondering what it would feel like to kiss him.

When suddenly there was a blast of impact, a deep crunching and I felt shards of glass spray. My face After a moment of quiet screaming started long whales and shrieks. We have, somehow dont pay I said surprise, myself. Don't panic, I'm not Anakin. He said his face, covered in blood behind as passengers moved about. Slowly, I saw our driver jump out through the smashed front window. Darting the scene we need to get out. I said we followed the drivers pass out through the broken front window and once outside

I doused a t, shirt with water and used it to wipe his face. I had thought the blood was. His and it shocked me to realise most of it wasn't he was barely bleeding. The bus had side quite something and everyone behind the driver on the right side was uninjured I found only a few flecks of glass in my forehead. I couldn't bear to look down the left side of the bus meanwhile, a large crowd, had surrounded the crash scene, a seemingly hopeful sign, but soon it took on a menacing air later. I would learn from news reports that a looting spree was about to break out with some finding opera, trinity amid the death, injury and chaos, we knew we had to get out of there. But by then I was in shock, huddled on the ground, unable to move overtaken by a kind of paralysis.

my guy was becoming himself again, haggling, an onlooker in, and a mixture of Swahili and English. Until the man agreed to drive us to the nearest town where we could spend the night, many in the crowd were becoming agitated, shouting and climbing on the crumpled vehicle. As we drove past the destroyed bus, I didn't let myself look inside, but I could see what we had hit a flatbed truck full of lumber parked in the middle of the dark highway. I closed my eyes and told myself to stay calm

When we arrived at the hotel, the manager led us to a room with one double bed: clean and austere, a Bible on the bedside table. My guy and I looked at each other it felt over for us. Nothing would ever happen now. When I woke up the next morning, he was pacing outside on his phone arranging for a friend to pick us up. We had spent the night inches from each other, not touching falling asleep. Only after splitting

in pill, I had in my bag back in Dar es salaam. We went straight to the hospital. I knew what I wanted combo of year, a medication used to help prevent HIV infection. When someone may have been exposed to HIV positive blood. On Monday, my roommate showed me the newspaper headline that announced the devastating toll. Twenty seven people had died in the crash and many of the dead and injured had been looted for their valuables by the mob. It was just too much to take in in the accidents aftermath. I started to ignore him. I avoided his calls when he showed up

an apartment later that week. I let my room mate talk to him. When I finally came out to say hello, he looked shaken fidgeting with a pack of cigarettes. I could tell he wanted to talk about it, but the thought made my stomach turn. I didn't want to explore the awfulness of what had happened or my built for having survived, I was in denial and part of my denial was denying him. I just wanted my private moments of gratitude feeling the sun on my arms and my those moving when I jogged after work. Why are you avoiding me? He texted, I didn't respond.

Some time later I met an american man. I had been introduced to by a mutual friend back home. He was more like my aid worker friends, a cerebral and shy academic who impressed me with his schemes to improve rural maternity care, and there was comfort in that in his familiar, de and seeming goodness falling into an immediate and urgent romance with him felt, like reinforcement that I was alive. I didn't tell the Safari guide about him. I rationalize that night in half do since nothing romantic. It happened between us. But when I brought this new man anywhere, I knew I would see the guide. I avoided his eyes. I felt as if I had betrayed him.

I wondered if it stung him during those next few weeks to see me with another man, just as it stung me to see him with his arm slung around some skinny girl and the sick, Dar Es Salaam, night Our short lived relationship, hadn't been a romance. We had barely touched yet we, Shared something so intimate it was unspeakable and ultimately unbearable, a few feet away from us. Twenty seven people had died and we had lived. Car max gives you the freedom to shop. However, you, like you, can shop for a car on mine and on the lot once you find the right car you can buy. However, you want by a man and get home delivery in select markets or by a mine, inches express pick up at car max and no matter how

You by your car comes with a thirty day: money back guarantee up to fifteen hundred miles, learn more and start shopping at car, MAX Dotcom Car, MAX Carbine, reimbursed And I love spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other, playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own- I feel a little betrayed in salary. it may have happened again. I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was get nervous. I sent it to my parents or something me and my dad. We liked the first time together and I wish her out out forgot it J, a c k, p o t jackpot yeah, nice

I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games. If you're hiring, you know feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. You just hope the rate Canada comes along, but not when you use it recruiter, zipper critters technology finds qualified candidates, for you then actively invites them to apply. In fact, four out of five employers who posted zip recruiter, get a qualified candidates within the first day. Try it free today at zero, cruder, dot com, slash and why t that super cruder dot com, slash and Wide t zip recruiter the smartest way to hire. I love felling, my boyfriend and I often play felling, be together by together. I mean sitting next to each other of playing individually. Not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed in salary.

They may have happened again to I have one friend, who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I always get nervous. I sent it to my parents or something me and my dad. We liked the first time together and I wish her out out forgot it J, a c k, p, o t jackpot yeah nice I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games, hm hm HM America Ferrara reading Mara Gordon's essay broken not bound by an intimate tie.

Hear more from Mara, Gordon right after the break support for a modern love. The pod cast comes from living proof, the science behind healthier air, I'm Katy from living proof, and we get love letters all the time like this one dear living proof the products or else are amazing third day in a row that a complete stranger walked up to me and complemented my hair. I used the leaving conditioner a little moves in a minute or two with a diffuser incredible. Your products are lifesavers love, Maureen use the called love for a free travel size, dry shampoo, with your twenty dollar order, living proof, dot, com, we're back, it's modern love, the podcast, I'm Meghna Chakrabarti and now a post

from modern love, editor Daniel Jones and the author of the piece you just heard Mara Gordon. I found a really hard to talk about at the time, as I sort of wrote about in the peace and my room mate insisted that I go to therapy. So I went to this British. I think she was a psychologist. I'm not sure what her background was and who's living in Dar es Salaam, and you know the first. and she told me was that the Ex Pat community, in Dar was very small, so

if she saw me in a grocery store- or you know, at a restaurant or something she would not acknowledge me, and I understand where she was coming from, but I feel like that sort of set the tone for a therapeutic relationship, and I think I found it really difficult to be a patient hm. My mom said: was it therapeutic for you to to write this into, to publish it for such a wide audience, and I definitely feel that way. I think sort of plowing ahead was how I coped with what had happened and so little hard for me to talk about it just feels so on. Filter. tracked. At this point, you have this incredibly weighty story up against this very light story, which is her flirtation.

And they don't match. One story is, is enormous and the other one is small. But in a way that's the point, she couldn't reconcile. How. unequal. They were also remarkable sorry that she really gets to the meat of is intimacy is not always just a positive thing, sometimes like in this case intimacy is enduring this horrible thing together and at almost brought them to close to fast. You could be really well matched for each other, but something happens that out of your control that takes the air. out of the balloon? You know and there's no putting it back in its it's twenty two damaged. I have not really been in touch with the Safari Guide I just joined our salaam. We were part of the same peripheral group of friends and

would seem around, but the lightness and the flirtation all that was totally gone. The guy mention at the end of the piece claim met literally a few days after the crash. He and I had a short, but meaningful relationship and he read it and he sent me a very kind email after it came out. He said that he always felt like I was with holding something about what had happened in the accident, and now he finally under done- and I think we both got a little closer from the publication of the peace which was really nice Mars. I say for me raised a delicate issue of western involvement in third world countries. This idea

they're there to help, but the shredder interlopers in the lives of people who are less fortunate than they are in certain Ex pat circles and people working in foreign aid or a global health. There can be this tendency towards one ups men ship in terms of the hardships that Westerners indoor and their travel and you know, sort of this bravado, I'm so adventurous. I wrote such recorded bus, I think, being in the bus, access really changed. How I think about that kind of- should an the role I inhabit as an American. When I travel, I think that attitude can be kind of disrespectful towards people who have no choice but to endure those circumstances, and I try to be respectful of that Maura Gordon's experience in Tanzania was life changing to say the least. She returned home

after a year, in Dar Es Salaam, but was soon back on a plane, doing more public health work in Africa, This time in Malawi, she spent here there and more. now lives in Philadelphia where she's focused on issues closer to home, I see myself working to fight health inequality in my own community. These days that may change I love to travel, I'm not ruling anything out, but we have a lot to work on in Philadelphia, and I feel pretty excited made it about that. The Mara, Gordon author of broken, not bound by an intimate tie. Mara graduated from medical school last year and is in her first year residency training as a primary care doctor. You also, from Daniel Jones, the editor of modern love for the New York Times and special thanks to America Ferrera who read this week's piece

can see her later this spring in the Netflix original film special correspondence starting Mickey drew Vase and Eric Bana next week. On modern love, author and Professor Jennifer Finney Boylan, you mean If seen her in the e networks documentary series- I am Kate, Jenny read her, in modern love, essay about coming out ass, transgender to her sons. We can't keep calling you daddy. He said if you're going to be a girl, that's too weird, okay, fine! What are you want to call me? Zack thought it over. I know he said, let's call you Maddie, that's like half mom and half daddy mad might work. I said married might just work well. I have a hunch that you, like modern love, but do you like, like us,

Well, let's make it official on Facebook, follow modern love at Facebook, dot, com, slash, modern love, and please do let us know what you think of this week's episode now. Can I just say for one: I can't that there's something strange about this whole world, a pod casting because I sit here in the studio the producers put together the podcast, and then you, wherever you are you download it somewhere and you listen to it. You know us, but we, want to know more about you. So there's a quick survey asking listeners to fill out its short, easy and its funding. We would love for you to participate so good, a double you be, you are dot, org, slash, modern love and let us know who you are Modern love is a production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston, NPR station, its produced, directed and edited by Jessica, Albert Ferralti and Emory Seabirds in the eye. here for the modern love pod cast, was conceived by LISA Tobin Iris, Adler is our executive producer. Daniel Jones is the

it or of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the pod cast courtesy of a p m and the go licence color action at ghostly, songs, dot, com, I magnet Chakravarti, we'll see you next week the.