Modern love. The podcast is supported by produced by the island, W B war, Boston. The from the New York Times and W B: U R, Boston! This is modern, the stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host, magnet Chakrabarti. The modern love will be back with brand new episodes in two thousand and nineteen, but today we are we're bringing you a playlist of our favorite holiday episodes. So let's get started The time you wanted, your significant other to be more romantic writer Cindy Shoe Pack says be careful what you wish for

Pamela Adlon STAR of the FX comedy series of better things, read Cindy's essay in marriage. Beware of big boxes! in any marriage, even the best marriage. There will come a day when you wonder why you married this person, it's hard to fathom at your wedding, this handsome. Took man old, publicly binding. His binding is life to yours and you think, snow inside my house before. I would ever feel anything but love for this man. Well, snowed inside my house, I'm not saying that metaphorically I am telling you it snowed inside my house because, a few years ago to kick off the holiday season, my husband Ian decided, even though we didn't have

we didn't have kids yet, even though I never said I miss snow that I would enjoy a snow machine It wasn't sweetie snow, not that I would have enjoyed flaky snow, but did admit later, he thought it would be flaky. That's the problem with ordering things like a snow machine online, you never. can be sure if the snow will be just mildly, annoying or marriage, ending annoying insta the snow was sudsy like a washing machine was overflowing in our upstairs loft, and viewing sides down into the living room where I was flipping through a magazine in front of the fire having to instructed not to peak even set up. The big surprise, I have to admit I had a bad feeling about the big surprise it came in a bit.

And there's not much, I can think of that a woman would want that. Comes in a big box, chocolate and jewelry come in small boxes, clothes come in relatively small boxes, they say good things things come in small packages. I say bad things come in big boxes, so I was prepared for something I might have to feign excitement over a new drum set for rock band I'm on the fence about whether it's polite or stupid, to feign excitement over a gift from your spouse. On the one hand, you want to reward his efforts and encourage future gift, giving that's the kind of flawed thinking that leads women to fake orgasms with men comes with men who have no idea where the click is and those men no idea they have no idea, that's the danger of fakin

but I didn't have time to fake a response. I had a genuine. Genuine response in a voice. I barely recognize that shrieked. Opening. Let me tell you what the hell was you, what the hell was happening, the snow was accumulating on the floor and landing in giant clumps on the rug, coffee table, leather, chair and walls. Real. Snow does not land on a smooth. Vertical surface. Like a wall snow, did until fully slowly starting slide down, leaving a thin at trail in its wake. Like a snail Well, he yelled stop. Stop stop, stop turn it off and amazingly. That was the first moment he unrealized. The expression on my face was not joy, but horror.

I'd horror, he turned the machine, often explained that the snow was non, staining and non toxic and could simply be vacuumed up, which. would have been nice to know earlier, but I guess that would have ruined the big surprise. I was beginning to think, prize was that Ian didn't know didn't know. The first thing about me, Did I mention the housekeeper? I just finished cleaning. I love a clean house. Ian certainly knew that about me. Maybe he thought the house would be super clean after this Article indoor car wash, but instead it looked like a rave, it happened in our living room and I said as much in fact I think I said more, and that was the moment. I realise the expression and in space was.

disappointment and he was not disappointed in the snow machine as I felt he should be as a consumer. He was disappointed in me. He had imagined us dancing in the snow he was still he was still looking down at me from the loft when he confessed this, so we were kind of a reverse Romeo and Juliet in more ways than one. In does not abandon a plan is less so. He smiled and said, come on baby one dance and then he turned the snow backup, Stares still hopeful the evening could be salvaged, maybe even made romantic, and I thought what if this is one of those moments like the night we officially moved in together in New York Ian wanted to eat Ian wanted to eat chinese food sitting on boxes, and I wanted to unpack the boxes and he finally said he was going to a bar

if I wasn't going to be fun and I worry might not always be fine and what then, of course, the next morning, our first Monday waking up together and on new home, I regretted Why was I so concerned with unpacking that I couldn't enjoy our first night nor first joint department. That's a once in a lifetime thing. So I told we I thought a could have a certain number of do over days in our relationship. We should each get say three days that don't count against you, no matter what you do and even said great sea on Thursday. Ok, that was funny. But the truth is you, don't get do overs certain moments in life never come back and I worried that may be in winter, wonderland,

was one of them, so I tried it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I tried to smile and dance with Ian in the snow. Two seconds later, when my shoes started to slip and slide in the suds, and I was getting pho snow in my hair and I screamed can't do it and as a an outside. All, I could think was. Why did I marry this person. I imagine Ian was standing inside in the snow thinking the same thing and it wasn't like, Movies, we never looked at each other and started laughing hysterically the whole night was really kind of terrible, especially during the cleanup process, which was in fact a process. First,

all, I was surprised that I was expected to help, but I decided to pick my battles. I did not, for example, point out that the bubbles did not simply vacuum up. The vacuum mostly just pushed the bubbles around but we did get into a disagreement about whether something can be for Indy we use only this happened because I suggested that perhaps having of, outside of our house may have been a to go. I could have come home, one house in LOS Angeles that had put, or he could have the machine on the roof and then, while we were sitting by the fire, he could have pointed out the window and said Look it's snowing. It's for indoor use only was his response Nothing is for indoor use only. I said if you can

Is it indoors? You can use it outdoors unless it's so poisonous kill animals, and then it shouldn't be used indoors either. We finally agreed to disagree on that one, but I did have to admit the Chains on the chair and Wall miraculously disappeared, to which Ian replied, dryly. Toxic and non staining. Finally, as if reading it for burial in place, the snow machine back in the Big box between two containers of bubble, refill, which were to my surprise under the bathroom sink, were in had already stashed them for I For I guess the next time we wanted snow in the house and then he said he would give the snow machine to someone said he would give the snow machine to someone at work. Who would appreciate it? I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking who would that be someone who hates her house,

As we carried several large trash bags of bubbles outside to the trash in reminded me that sometimes I I couldn't remember one I loved until he said when I proposed on the beach on a horse. I admitted that was a good one, maybe because the horse was and in our living room in our living room, but that's the thing about romantics, miss as them. They can be hit or miss as it turned out. There was a woman in Ian's office who, two toddlers and a linoleum kitchen and the kids and her husband, the snow machine, in fact, They had so much fun For snow on Christmas day, so maybe the gift was just early several years and several years and one linoleum kitchen early.

And it is not lost on me that this gift ended a hard year when, in an I got further from much closer to having children of our own, but it was also a year despite our indoor snow storm in and I got closer to, not further from each other Pamela outline reading sindifu packs essay in marriage. Beware of big boxes, Cindy actually suggested that her husband actually suggested that her husband in join her in the studio when we talked to her thirteen years. other hadn't, told his commitment to keeping things interesting, but that doesn't mean they agree on all of his choices.

The latest episode was still pretty fresh in turn fifty and wanted to do something special something different. An incident with some tie wish balloons, and I guess we should explain our history with ute. I wish balloons with his kind of romantic, which is how all these things start I need to have a baby which took five years of serve, trying everything and lots of heartache and disappointment, and we finally adopted our daughter Olivia, who were madly in love with and she's five. Now, almost six anyway, we had, we had been in Thailand and on one Valentine's. a and we had lit this wish balloon, which is kind of a tradition there, this giant balloon and it has a flame underneath it a new light it and you make a wish and it goes up into the sky. Is a new lighted and you make a wish- and it goes up in this guy and goes and goes and goes until it disappears, So in has since found on the internet, where all these

Every year, romantic gesture can be recreated with a lot of internet research. It can be done in the privacy of your own home and so we were out on the beach would seem perfectly safe with a bunch of friends and he was lighting them and I was totally game right. I tried long timer to block the and and help him lighted in it and set it off. But then it didn't so we were walking back to our house and when he passed through this alley, that's between condos- and I guess I'm not let go, and it was I didn't know he wasn't leg over what look go admit wish. I didn't know it was a leg over to suddenly I turned, and he and his friends are trying to light. This wish balloon away from the wind and it does late and lifts up and lodge is itself into the balcony of God it felt longer than like. That was that thirty? Second, I would have been up there like thirty, so there's a staircase, then it would have been fine and it's a closed balcony and then it got worse because he dislodged which seemed miraculous like somehow he manages to get

kill us like out. Somehow it manages to get through these things and I shouldn't worry and then lodge itself into power lines which showed the power of what I seriously had a name the laughing now everything exploding right all the laughing. Now the snow machine incident came at a very hard time when and Cindy we're trying everything to get pregnant. That baby thing is hard as it was we or respectful of whatever the other needed. If we needed a breaker and that seemed endless, he hadn't really wanted a child as soon as seemed unless he had really wanted a child as soon as we got married, which is that I think way, men get with their lives, but what you might want to finally settle down and marry when you want a baby, so he really was ready to have a baby and it took us such a long time and he was very respectful of the time I needed. So in that case, we were really on the same page in the snow machine

case we were really on the same page in this new machine really did stand out, it's kind of a moment where we were just son, totally different pages. I think that's why it felt maybe so dire would be gestures. You never really have time to practice Loma. Why I guess it was like there was it. So it was cute and what happened was you know we would have gotten some sun on our God, our clothes for two seconds, but it was a great idea. Many people after that modern love piece came out. I wrote two on the New York Times Facebook site and in comments that I was just ungrateful and didn't deserve this guy. In comments- that I was just ungrateful and Didn'T- deserve the sky and whether a magic thing- and there was a lot of that- I think all the people who agreed with me may be just sat quietly. Her quick you full they didn't have- has never shootin thereof, but the people who vote I didn't deserve even- and Had I should have enjoyed it where boisterous. So that was a little just interesting and gave me pause.

It is informative, maybe just guessing it out there. Still I mean I'm I'm glad I did it affect your the safe it. I'm glad we're still laughing about it and chances are that was the laugh aggravated chances are, do it again or something very benevolently, something very different, I'm ITALY's having a completely unprepared for that's the beauty of it. I love the doing this kind of stuff cracks me up. That's great fuel narrowly Under do- and I would say I know when I was when I was single for a long time and didn't marry until late in life and had kind of it. What I felt was already a big life that I loved and traveled and had runs, and I really felt like I Didn'T- want to marry someone unless make my life bigger. I would be forced to grow and you know I think I asked for the snow machine,

I deserve this now machine and I wouldn't have really been registered, wanted a life with you and without it cuz. It's big part of our story. I guess Cindy Shupack and her husband, Ian Wallach Cindy's credits include divorce, better, modern family sex in the city, everyone loves Raymond she's, also written to from which this modern love essay was excerpted more after the break the I love spelling.

My boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see, but you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed in sorry. It may have happened again today. I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents, or something like that was my dad was like the first time together and I was putting out. I think I got it, see it J, a c k, P, o g jack. We hit the jackpot, panicked, yeah, Elrond, nice, I'm same as earth's sky. The digital pulses editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at n, one times dot com, slash games when a loved one becomes very ill. It can shift your perspective on

one becomes very ill. It can shift your perspective on love and family. In surprising ways, Four lienemann, her fathers failing health turn Ordinary family hunting trip into an unexpected lesson about hope. Actor Darby Newman's of a scandal that takes no essay a family that takes no for an answer. Every year, my far flung family gathers Christmas at my parents, House and Eastern Idaho, along the snake River, where the snow falls with thick dreamy after relentless abandon last year, it has been falling for almost a week the day before Christmas Eve as flakes continued to drift down and the afternoon light dimmed. My father suggested we shoots and ducks for dinner, who wanted to go. My husband Lawrence did. He was new to the western, those of hunting, your own food, and I wanted to go to

even though I was five months pregnant, if only to distil any ideas. My family might have about my now being a wimpy New York City, pregnant lady, capable only of sitting a rocker ordering BP free baby bottles online off we set throwing on parkers and hauling out shot guns. The route down to the river is a narrow quarter. Mile walk through cottonwoods, the fresh drifts came up to our size, posing ahead ten yards before the bank. Nosing ahead, ten yards before the bank, dad motioned us down with his glove. We hit the snow peeking through thickets of ice branches to scout. What lay below. We crossed a semi frozen knee high section of the river it's up numb narrow, gravel island

ready? My hands were numb. I hadn't dressed properly my gloves forefinger lists and had skip the snow pants Just on the other side of the island, a small flock of ducks plus canadian geese or fussing bent. Crackling reads: we crouched down, don't hear anything that flies dad said they're right near the shore where we can get them tory, swim in this cold, suddenly took off in a squawking flurry flying across the White Sky loss, squeezed off a shot and missed. I held tight a few seconds longer but also missed dad. However, displaying his old school finesse waited for just the right moment and brought down a goose that tumbled directly into the water

I looked at dad, he looked at me anyway. He taken the shot, as did he. Every goose seems like they'll last till ever shoot and it may very well be at least last till overshoot may very well be at least with his daughter watching. Well, he said there was something to be ashamed of. Dont worry law said Having me is gone and taking off running all get it law course was the only one among us with strength to follow the goose I was too slow and and dad could no longer run at all, not at age. Sixty five with his two hip replacements and damn longer run at all nodded aged sixty five, with his two hip replacement damaged hard.

We watched last sprint down the bank. There is something teenage in step, something raw and gleeful, and almost obsessed his hat lopped off his figure bounded over the deep snow painfully slow. dad, and I began to follow foiled. Two laws, progress, not just HMM data and I come from a pessimistic family, a family that, on his side, has seen more come from a pessimistic family, a family on his side has seen more. send it share of suicide, alcoholism, manic, depression and premature death. Luckily, the two of us had escaped those routes, but if you asked us, for example, if we thought the experimental drugs dad was trying might help prepare his heart, we would say no probably not and change the subject to snow blowers or recipes for Pheasant Cacciatore.

The economy about two implode and leave us destitute, my youngest brother, his flight was never going to make it into a whole falls in the storm that way. You can't be disappointed. Five years ago, the day my father told me he was dying. He stopped the truck along a highway in the Rockies and said: look I've got a twenty two percent I've got a twenty two percent chance of making it through the next two years. He just wanted me to have the scientific facts. I cried a little therein, the truck he cried and we never talked about it again. Most of the time I actually forget about dad's health, except when I notice he is panting from a ten second walk or when he shot a goose that we couldn't bring it hunting from a ten second walk or when he shot a goose that we couldn't bring in.

Now we were stumbling along the head in front trying to follow and laws deep blueprints. Her eyelashes gunk over with flakes our breath turned labored. We stopped every fifty insteps bent over to rest lad to be at least half mile ahead out of sight, Think you'll get a goose. Do you that asked? No? No us I allowed myself to believe law. Might there was a reason for that seven years ago, There was a reason for that, with anger over issues large and small married. I called it quits. I was burning up with only over issues. Large and small, all the messy with a stuff that and been pushed aside as we planned the wedding only to flare up after so I left him what the wedding, China and solid spoons and our cosy apartment Manhattan and moved into a small

a in Massachusetts or I had rolled in graduate school. We had our serious problems, I told them. Therefore we were over he agreed that our marriage was indeed over? Then he proceeded to ignore that, even when I announced it to my friends and family, even wanna ask ignore that, even when I announced to my friends and family even when to asked him to file for a separation, he continued to come up to visit me. He continue to plan my visits down for weekends and school vacations. He seemed to accept, in theory that we separated it all of his actions suggested. An absolute denial of everything I had expressed- and he had agreed to this should have enraged me further

him believe I hadn't left the marriage and oddly he let me pretend I hadn't left either once I realized that I didn't really want to leave that I wanted to stay and fix our problems. He's never gonna get that ghost dad said, and I don't think I can go on much further. Dad did not look good as for me, I wanted to lie down in the snow.

Her dad did not look good. As for me, I wanted to lie down in the snow, not an excellent indicator for wilderness survival. Why doesn't he give up? My father asked I dunno, I said, and I didn't know I tell you what's got me worried dad said what if he tries to get that goes and falls in somehow then we're going to be in real trouble. I cupped my hands and shouted LA down the bank, nothing, the sky, flashed and darkened we waited for a half hour. We looked for any footprints. Doubling back to the house. More and more, I started seeing the scenario dad had laid out what if law, was so sure of himself that he did think you could get thy goose. What if he leaned down to

over with a branch and fell in up to his thighs, the water. Would will they turn him. Hypothermic felt sick. I walked faster, so did dad I think you better go back to the house and call the sheriff I'll keep going along the bank or a few miles from the House dad said. I think you better go back to the house and call the sheriff I'll keep going along the bank. We unloaded the guns, leaving two of them by a tree dad kept going up the bank. I slung my grandfather's gone over my shoulder and headed home through the woods panicking stumbling through untouched snow that now came up to my waist. My stretched belly hurt with every step and on top of it all, I couldn't remember the way we had gone so far down river, that I wasn't

I started yelling and my stepmother came out and helped me inside Lawrence was just here. She said he doubled back from the river. You guys must have just missed each other. I wanted to laugh if LA had gone the other way around Mr Chichester, I wanted to laugh if law had gone. the other way around the house. I would have seen his tracks if I had the other way we might have run into There are at the door. Everything at that point should have just been shocked up to a silly scare due to bad communication and luck, except that dad was still out there alone. I waited by the fire about an hour later. The two of them came back law had done lap after lab to fine dad who, though exhausted, had remained on the trail of law and bring,

stay in bed a lot turned over. He didn't really think I was stupid enough to dive into a frozen river in the middle of a blizzard. Did you, I wasn't sure what to say it wasn't stupidity that might have inspired him. It was hope, law, new, dad felt badly about killing the goose and he believed he could fix it. Even as that goose floated faster and faster out of reach. What's the difference between hope and denial, I wanted to ask him: does it hurt or hell to pretend your father might go on living? Even if all facts

Does it hurt or help to pretend your father might go on living, even if all facts say he won't? If our marriage, a sturdy, surprising, wonderful marriage gets into trouble again, will it help or hurt? If we pretend it's ok and push blindly on the way we did last time. What does refusing to see the grim side of the truth, do smash down issues we'd be better off confronting or keep us from sinking and premature, unnecessary defeat. Oh no, I said turning off the light curling up with him in the Snug log cabin dark. I knew you'd have the sense to turn back eventually, just as I knew and appreciated,

he lacked the sense to stop himself from chasing it in the first place, Darby Stansfield reading we Newman's essay, a family that takes no for an answer. after fourteen years of marriage, including the two years of separation Lee Newman and her husband Lawrence have two children and live in Brooklyn New York, she says those two I think they might have prevented a serious period of questioning later on in life, probably where I am now, where I see a lot of my friends, you know go

You serious go of questioning later on in life where I am now. I see a lot of my friends. You know go through really that their marriage after ten years, but I had my lot, the real tears I had about marriage and glad the demons in a lot of the real tears I had about marriage, and I think also when you go through a really really hard time. You you're changed by it, you're more generous with others. I think it made me a better

life and would above her father eleven years ago. During that hunting trip, he was near death with a failing heart. My dad heard about a clinical trial where they put a pacemaker in your heart and he was not eligible for the clinical trial, and so he took his own money and went to a hospital and ask them to put a pacemaker in and paid for out of pocket, which was an extremely expensive gamble on his own life, and it worked than tacitly on him that particular procedure disposed to stop deterioration of the heart and in his case it. for years. The whole thing went away so has that changed his attitude about life? Now I think my dad's, pretty negative, still yeah he's very pessimistic and there are times when. Who has changed his attitude about life. Now I think my dad's pretty negative, still yeah he's a very

things, or there is a possibility that it won't end up terribly. I also think that when he talks to me, he sometimes worried because I'm his daughter and he wants to prepare or there is a possibility that it won't end up terribly. I also think that when he talks to me he sometimes worried because I'm his daughter- and he wants to protect me from whatever I'm talking about. I say all I wanna buy house or go: oh my god. What if there's a flood? You know what are you gonna do if the toilet breaks and I think well I'll fix a toilet dad. It's ok, I'm gonna get a house in I'm. I'm on. My thirty is ok. I need to. I need to get a house now, and he doesn't mean that you know he's just doesn't want me to have to go through hard things. Just like any parent, wouldn't want any child to do that. But Lee says that pessimism isn't always bad for you. If you Walk that line where you are from, to deal with the worst outcome

and you know what it is it can be quite helpful, can be quite grounding. It's just you. I'm still hope for the worst, just so that it will be over with and be sewn up. And then I can recover and move on rather than sitting around re. Not knowing what to do, and I I think that I think that's a condition that a lot of people. I struggle with, and it's a shame it's a shame, I'd It's a shame. I'd I'd like to be different. I'm working on that dish and that a lot of people struggle with and it's a shame, it's a shame and I'd like to be different and work. More about growing up in Alaska is still points north, her memoir, about growing up in Alaska is still points north and

coming up after the brink.

I love fallin my boyfriend and I often play following me together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up scowling d- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed fairy may have happened again. I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous assented to my parents or something like that. My dad. It would like space time you together and how we got. It said J, a she came out. He s a jack, I'm same is asking the digital puzzles, editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at annoying times dot com, flash games for some people,

new year's resolutions are all about going to the gym. saving money decluttering- that's not Christine Lloyd. I looked further really I thought I thought you know. I'm not just do a little bitty, fearful things. Let's just go off the deep end here steam wrote about her resolution in her essay in the new year more cuddling it's red by Margarita viva, who plays Abby in the H B, show the deuce. attending a cuddle party was one of my fears, conquering New year's resolutions for two thousand, and sixteen my other resolutions. I had a long list included. Be dating and taking a hike with mountaineering club. I never got around to speed dating or hiking, but by August I had worked up the courage to sign up for a cuddle party, and that's how I found myself lying on a phone pad in Austria.

There's floor with my head on the shoulder of a strange man, strange, that and didn't know him, of course, but so strange and that he was so thin and bony that cuddling with is no comfort. It all. soon, a young woman settled in on his other side and asked if hold my hand. Okay, I said feebly We reached out and clasped hands across the man's chest. I felt rigid tense, terrified sea foam In quilts and stuffed animals covered the expanse of the one room carriage house. Even so, I felt the

unrelenting pressure of my hit bone against a hardwood floor? How long when I have to highlight this, what is the acceptable length of time to seem open to explore? as also preserving my dignity. It have been far too long since I've been met with someone forty four, I worried that I was becoming slightly feral. My parents forty six years of marriage, we're still having sex post menopause Jerry Accurate sex, perhaps but sex none Wes. Meanwhile, I had just shelled out twenty five dollars to cuddle with a frail guy, during the introductions our host had said. I start hosting cuddle parties two years ago, because my touch tank was really low, but I knew I wasn't ready for dating. Her touch. Tank

As we went around the room at least two people said their therapist had told them to try this and one woman I sure, stuffed life Sized Garfield, while the rocking slightly and mumbling about being afraid of people. Years earlier, when I had a boyfriend and a constant supply, autos. I saw an advertisement for cuddle therapy and laughed how sad I thought. and yet here I was partly out of City, partly To challenge myself to stay open to new and frightening things, and partly because I hope to meet someone. I am an independent professional woman living in a progressive city, but entire day his pass in which I do not touch another human being. I never thought I would be here in this place this time in my life.

the fear that I'm in some way defective, has become harder to stave off each year. A bell rang: Okay, that's twenty minutes. Our host said as an opportunity to rearranging cuddle. Would new people I wasted no time heading to the bathroom. The space and this little house where I could be alone emerged, everyone was partnered up there was a tangle of bodies in the middle of the room, I stood in the kitchen contemplating the snacks dry, shortbread, cookies and veggies with ranch sauce. Unfortunately, no alcohol that could turn in sexual, our host had explained cuddle parties are not about sex, but about setting boundaries and connecting. But even with the lights dimmed

entire setup felt more clinical than connective. If we're all enrolled in human interaction, one on one, I'm thinking about baby monkeys. A jet took an intro to psychology course, where We learned about Harry Harlow's experiments with rhesus monkeys and how infant monkeys preferred a cloth mother to one made of wire and wood. Even when the wire mother was the one supplying the food turns out, primates prefer cuddly fake mother, too, The fake mother, who actually keeps them alive we. This explains my recent craziness and blood pressure. Spikes I had after up to some sort of midlife crisis, but Pops is too many years of too little touch and affection. I needed put myself out there, but. the longer. I avoided it. The more frightening the prospect became.

I was less afraid of becoming a war correspondent than opening a tinder account. Yet somehow I managed to corral enough bravery to do this. Sure we cuddle asked him workout guy, who had come in late. I said since we were the only people, not cuddling hug spoon. He asked join me: Nevada, California, we, California, I said we need to control our proximity and especially in our southern regions, but he didn't seem to want to get too close either leaving at least two three inches between us. I flung my arm over his side is really quietly stiff as boards Then he started his nervous. Chatter

I've. Seen these ads for Cutler's for higher he said seems like pretty easy money was thinking. I could do that instead of what I'm doing now, I work, hospital, but my boss, hates me and she's stupid Anyway. I told my therapist- I was coming here tonight and he said it's too soon too soon, for what I didn't dare ask. He continued chattering away until the host called time again. He feels like a weakness to admit. I'm so lonely. I'm supposed to be a pioneer a break. I single feminist and afraid to go it alone, except when it's Saturday night and I'm my dinner, while staring at my window into the dining room of the family across from me, I watch the primates in through their sliding glass doors,

I never kissed mother on the neck, while she washes dishes. daughter, number one said some father's lap reading daughter number two hugs Father around the neck. Do they watch me? Do they wonder wise the arctic shrew feeding again. it's not that I haven't had opportunities. I've been engaged twice, The first time the man broke it off the second time I did I've been deeply in love only once The relationships have been more like truces with loneliness. I pretend for months years that I don't need a man to be happy. but as being smugly single any different from being smugly. Coupled we you come and cuddle with us

one who had been centrally cuddling when the same man all evening. She was maybe tenor. Fifteen years older than me, ass was the great haired man with her. I was ready to leave, but. I lay down on my back between them. He put his hand on my chest in his arm across my mid section. She started I see my forearm the way my mother used to soft fingernails against skin. I thought I might cry. Many of my single friends seem comfortable even happy alone. to evolve a relationship and one reason, then tell me over a bottle of two bucks chuck. I nodded pretending to understand I moved to Seattle eleven years ago in search of love

In Alabama it seemed as if everyone married by thirty, but Seattle was full of thirtysomething singletons every party, I attended, held great possibility and yet most were Stridently single Is fine with our lives mountains. Rowing across oceans it was baggage the better. The woman I had laid down by said we knew we wanted to cuddle with you when you were Introducing herself in talking about how freaked out you are about this, her hands were softer my arm. you're. So honest and brave. When I asked if they knew each other before this evening, she laughed and told me they met six months ago at another cuddle party.

A part of me hoped I would find love here. but as we went around the room introducing ourselves, I began to realize that I was possibly I terrified person there. maybe even more than The woman hugging Garfield. Over the years. Without noticing I less available, less accessible, walling off my heart, brick by brick, no continued caressing my arm in one hand, and do territory the other reached across my stomach, actually hands with her man as seem to be on the precipice orgy territory. How, though I actually let myself relax and as the play,

his whereby these were touching warmed. I began to feel physically connected to other people for the first time a long time I have been so frightened of this Why is anyone there are now more single adults and married ones in this country and the number of us living alone has increased her quarter of all households physical comfort in this world. Sand that we need, perhaps above all else, physical comfort in this world, My resolution for two thousand and seventeen cicotte-

The margarita la viva, reading Christine Lloyd's essay in the new year more cuddling margarita, says that watching so many of her single friends looking for love and having been there many times herself helped her connect with this essay Margarita says that watching so many of her single friends looking for love and having been there, many times herself helped her connect with this essay. I Get it and I really get how much we need human cod in the part about her. her in cities. When the woman caressed connected with the loneliness of this woman and the reading. The part about her almost crying when the woman caressed her arm really got me. I know feels like and- and I do think Where humans and human connection and human touches massively important at least in my world

not only are we starved physically, but them I think, would become starved emotionally in in my world. I think the soul dies a little bit. very much to Marguerite Olive either for reading this ass. If she stars and HBO is the deuce, in seventeen. She took steps towards achieve but she didn't quite meet the goal she set for herself. I It says that in two thousand seventeen she took steps towards achieving her resolution to seek out touch, but she didn't quite meet the goals we set for herself. I feel that that resolution really set them

are high and that to me is sort of meant. Okay, you know in twenty seventeen I'm going to have a relationship by the end of the year, I'm going to be in a relationship and it's going to be awesome. You know that's sometimes how I talk myself up for things, but you know that hasn't happened and partly again, because I'm sort of backing into a fear corner, but I'm moving toward that ever so tortoise, like you know, I'm starting to get on dating sites which, dear God, don't even get me started about that. You know, I'm I'm deepen the toes and I'm getting there among her two thousand, a teen resolutions dating more and she's. Also, this attending another cuddle party, this time with a different perspective than she had the first time around.

I definitely went feeling like this is sad. This is so sad that I'm going to this place where people have to go to get touch and to get cut, as part of that group and I didn't want to identify with the people there. I thought- oh I'm so friendly and extroverted, and I don't need this. I'm just checking it out, but you know by the end, I really did see that it was helping people. You know, and I would like to go back and just kind of. I don't need this, I'm just checking it out, but you know by the end, I really did see that it was helping people you know, and I would like to go back and is kind of experience it again. Now that I'm not as fearful and maybe Beef more open to the experience from the beginning. Christine believes cuddle parties can help at least a little in addressing a real problem.

you know, I don't know that the touch. That's briefs that we get from a friend or a physician or a massage therapist is enough. Maybe it's what's going to have to do for those of us who aren't in a partnership is But you know you really do long foreign mess that you know the holding you're someone holding you for a long period of time and it's kind of weird to ask went so it's very odd. In that sense, she also wants people listening to understand both that it's okay to be alone and that it can be hard. I wish people felt like it was okay to express that and to feel that way and to know that they're not alone in feeling lonely and that there are things that they can do about it, whether it's going to a cuddle party or getting a massage or going and to feel that way and to know that they are not alone in feeling lonely and that there are things that they can do about it. Whether

that the longer we hole up and feel lonely the harder it is to get out right. The longer you don't do something the scarier and harder. It seems, and I think that's I think that the longer we hole up and feel lonely the harder it is to get out right. The longer you don't do something. The scarier, an it seems, and I think that's, I guess the other thing is just to be brave. Scary when you're lonely and alone to be brave, because you don't have that bolstering force of a best friend who's gonna go! Do that thing with you, but you can do the steam, Lloyd, she's and.

the memo from the Middle school came home in my daughter's backpack on a Friday afternoon. Next week, your sixth grade child will participate in flour, sack baby exercise. All sixth graders were to report to school Monday with five pound bags of flour dressed up as dolls and carry them everywhere for the week. The idea was to teach them respond The idea was to teach them the responsibility to school Monday, with five pound bags of flour dressed up as dolls and carry them everywhere for the way, The idea was to teach the modern love is a production of the New York Times and w

Modern love is the production of the New York Times, and I will you be. You are Boston NPR station, its produced, directed and edited by Jessica, Albert Caitlin, O Keefe and John per. The idea for the modern love podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin. is advertised executive producer, Daniel Joe is the editor of modern love for the New York Times, an adviser to the show music for the partners, courtesy of Pierre, a mega.

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