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The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived | With Kristen Bell

2018-10-10 | 🔗

Would you buy a sex chair? Well, Lori Jakiela did -- and she writes about the chair, and the misadventures involved in trying to use it, in an essay that's read by Kristen Bell ("The Good Place.")

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Modern love. The podcast is supported by produced by the island, a W B WAR Boston. the from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern love, the stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host magnet Chakrabarti, the if you've we're seeing a sex chair. Here's how its scribe online, a luxury chaise with elegant curves and serious style. There is no end the possibilities supremely comfortable blends into your bedroom
and what might cause you to actually buy one well. Lorry jocular did and she writes about it in her essay. The plane unmarked box arrived it read by Kristen Bell who stars in the good place, which is now in its third season on an be see. The night we ordered the sex chair, we'd, been drinking Not a lot but enough to make a sex chair seem like an investment like junk or an IRA. The kids were asleep, Dave, and I were at the kitchen table recovering from our son Laughlin seventh birthday. We thought we had kept it simple this year. Bowling party pizza cake will go easy. I said low stress Last year we had a party at home. We hired two clowns, a husband and wife team who ran ads in the penny saver. They were
bargain two hundred dollars cash for two hours, including a magic, show a animal show, face painting and balloons I felt lucky to find them but minutes after they arrived in a rusted out, Chevy Van smelling, like smoke and stale beer. We gleaned the truth. Mounds didn't seem to be happily married. The reason We're late according to MRS Clown was that MR clown could follow directions to save his checkered backside. They argued in our driveway at one point. She kicked him with her huge clown feet. He waved a lit cigarette close to her rubber nose and face paint
Later they let a goose and a terrier loose in our basement, made the birthday boy, wear a toilet seat as allay fashioned a pair of balloon boobs and set off firecrackers on our new rug. I don't care what we do this year. Dave said when the subject of Laughlin birthday came up just more clowns, so low K lanes. It was the local bowling alley where tenure The ago the Farrelly brothers filmed the movie king pin our part he was David. I and nineteen sugar rushed first graters. We tried to keep them from knocking each other unconscious with bowling balls.
our three year old daughter, Phelan, stuffed cake into the automated ball returns after twenty minutes. The kids realized that all the toys in their party bags glow sticks, lollipop rings. Gummy wristbands could be used as weapons You think I would have learned years ago, in a similar lapse of judgment. I dated a special forces guy. He used to hold up things that were equally innocuous, like dental floss and empty toilet paper roles and say you know, I could kill you with this. If I wanted to it, didn't help that Laughlin Party had an army theme, the cake was shaped like a soldier in full, combat gear. The boys fought over who got to eat the head. I call brains, one buzz cut kid who did
gang signs during the group picture kept screaming. I call brains, I feel like their winning Dave said when brains boys stabbed him in the backside, with a pink glow stick. They are. I said, plucking icing out of my hair back home. We were finally alone We had beer and frosted mugs. We had Townes Van Zandt on the stereo of frozen pizza in the oven and a new copy of rolling stone. We sat across from one another raised our glasses and smiled Dave was wearing Phelan's lime. Green monster had a fuzzy number. bug eyes and devil horns, it looked like a possessed condom which reminds me the sex chair, I'm getting to that, but first
background. This is how we spend most Saturday night. We were funny hats play music that doesn't call for hand, collapse or puppets drink, cold, beer and steal time, while fans were in the kids room to block out our noise, not that we make much, we keep our voices down. The music turned low Laughlin would be furious if he knew we were awake and having fun without him before he goes to bed every night there are questions, so he says his eyes, like coin slots, staying upstairs all night, a few years back, we finished the basement and built two offices, one for Dave one. For me, one night Locklin woke up scared and came to find us. We were downstairs each in our own little office. Laughlin was incensed. Downstairs was too,
far away for us to save him from things like vampires and boredom also he couldn't hear what we were up to absolutely will be upstairs. I said oh yeah, he said what are you going to do? Nothing much take a bath go to bed the usual. You need sleep. He said I love you. I said backing out love you too, he yelled pulling the covers over his head. He pretends to snore, but I know he never, goes down that easy. Lately. It had gotten worse. The slightest noise would set Laughlin off. He would come stuff. Bling blind down the hall half naked angry. If David, I wanted to have sex, we had to wait until morning when Lachlan was off at school,
I slept late, and so we had an hour there before work. If we wanted have sex. At night we had to sneak latched the bedroom door, keep the bed squeaks to a minimum and listened for footsteps, a jiggle door, knob the sound of small covert breathing which is why the sex chair was doomed. It started as a joke Dave found the ad in rolling stone. There was a website a few beers. We were in the online world of liberator, we were flirty having fun in the day and all its small humiliations behind us. We joked about the shapes of vibe, raiders the seriousness of the dominate tricks, models, the practicality of glass, dildos and six inch stiletto boots. Then
we wandered over to the furniture section new waves to groove the front page red, put some funk into function. The furniture looked like it came from Barbie's country camper. Over stuffed swishes in every thing from earth tones to Zeb reprints when not in use for its primary purpose, each piece converted to a shame that promise to cradle all the right places and recharge sexual energy. Dave and I had been married for over seven years, we still have sexual energy, but it was that word recharge that was so appealing, plus the furniture looked real
comfortable, and it was on sale for just under four hundred dollars. We could recharge revitalize reclaim. What do you think? I said it's a steal. He said I dug out the credit card we usually reserved for groceries and car repairs, Dave typed in the numbers. Six days later the chair arrived. It was huge, the box was plain unmarked. We had trouble getting it through the front door. All the pictures of the liberator furniture had shown to Beautiful people sprawled in a wide open space aloft, probably a bachelor pad straight out of Esquire MOD Art on the walls, wood floors covered with animal skins,
there was no other furniture in the shot. Where are we going to put it? I asked after we finally got the chair. Unpacked we'd ordered it in Navy, blue. It matched the living room and our bedroom. The chair, wouldn't fit in either downstairs. He said the basement. The side away from our offices was a wide open space. There was a fireplace. we'd painted the main room, a creamy beige, the same color, you see in coffee shops, the color was soothing sensual and most of all, the space was private, a whole floor down from the kids, though, of course we would have to be careful. We would have to plan this made it exciting, where thigh high
Dave whispered, while I scraped dried egg off the dishes. I made a note to dig my lingerie out of my sock drawer. If you go to seven eleven, I whispered, as he played MR potato head with. Failing, don't forget batteries, but then Laughlin came home from school. and went oddly straight downstairs. He usually stayed in the living room or went to his bedroom to play with his army guys, but not this time. Who knows why it took him a minute, hey MA. Am he yelled thanks for the cold share? I was horrified the chair had lived up to the ads. It looked almost normal funky oddly shaped, but it blend in. If you didn't know what it was when I went downstairs, Laughlin
straddling the chair, a platoon of little plastic army guys was lined up along the curves like an invading force on a ridge. He holding one of the bigger army guys and making gunshot noises and yelling. Let's go. Let's go and look and he thinks it's his. I told Dave, it's creepy, don't think about it. He said and don't talk about it either. That night, when we put the kids to bed. Failing went right down, but Laughlin did his usual anxious drill. Staying upstairs all night. Of course, I said and tried not to blink okay, he said, and that was it good night. I love you I said, but he already had the covers over his head.
What can I say about married love? Sometimes it all feels like a battle between parenthood and ourselves between what we love and what we love nice to see. You Dave says on Saturday nights nice to see you. I say as if we hadn't seen each other in years. Sometimes I wonder about MR and MRS clown: it's not every day to clowns, throw down in your driveway they're matching Ray but which is bothering smiles, huge and painted on, but maybe they were just having a bad day. Maybe they're mostly happy, maybe when they take off their make. And flashing suspenders when they're just themselves, people with real names like Bob or Alice. They say nice,
see you and fall in love all over again. As for Dave and me, I found the thigh highs. I lighted candles and the basement flickered like a movie set Dave kissed me and together we curled into the chairs soft, perfect curves, and then there were footsteps back and forth over our heads, frantic mom Laughlin called at the top of the stairs dad. What can I say we left the chair in it's place for a few weeks, then, when Dave's parents came for a visit, we hid it under the stairs. I don't think they'll know what it is Dave said, but just in case at First Locklin missed the chair.
Now I think he has forgotten, which is fine, because his father and I haven't it's still there under the stairs waiting. It comes with an extended warranty. It's solidly built real quality, stuff and investment made to last. Through almost anything. That's Kristen Bell, reading lorry, Jackie, less essay, the plane, unmarked box, or I will catch up with lorry after the break.
I love spelling bee my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed in sorry. That may have happened again, I have one friend who I will say in the screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my bad. It was the first time together and I was out. I think I got to see it J, a c k, p o t
Jack nice, I'm same is asking the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at annoying times, dot com, flash games, lorries, essay with published more than ten years ago and her kids are teenagers now. So we asked her what happened to the chair in the past decade. well, it is in our basement. Originally we put it under the staircase, hoping nobody would look for it and then I son found it under there and he dragged it out and he used it is a video game. Chair and his friends often stay over when year old boys in our basement, and night recently. I came downstairs defined seventeen boys draped all over the basement, including one on the chair, so thats really pretty much ruined it forever. but yeah
still in our house. It's it's blue. It's it's very functional, it's very comfortable and it blends in with everything else, so yeah, and also where do you. Rid of it. I can't even start to think about how you would do that it says. Her son has never read the modern love peace and does not know what the chair is really for, that he may this I'm hoping it at. This point he knows enough about his parents, not to be shocked by anything. My daughter does now she's more interested in what I do than he is, but she's also extraordinarily closest both my then and me, and she gets it. She knows what kind of weird for whether they've have used the chair for its intended purpose, no comment on how better with the whole union We would not accept no for an answer, but we did give Lori A pass on this one. She did say that finding balance between parenting
marriage has gotten a little easier as her kids have gotten older, but for a long time it was a challenge and she has a little advice for other people who are trying to figure it out. You probably have these feelings that people think are exactly always appropriate because you're, a person and you it alone and being a parent, is hard and wonderful and being in a relationship is hard and wonderful and the world's Well, less lonely, if we're honest about all of that, and also like people, to know that if they ever see clowns advertising in the penny saver that they should maybe think twice before hiring them. The that. Luigi Jokela, she's, author of several books, including belief, is its own kind of truth, maybe and portrait of the artist as a bingo worker. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, who's, also, a writer two kids, who got more after the break.
The I love, spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to they're playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed in sorry. It may have happened again, I have one friend who I will say, in the screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my bad. It was the first time together and I was out. I think I got to see it J, a c k, p o t
We hit the jackpot. Nice I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games, here's Daniel Jones, editor of the modern love column for the New York Times. And long term marriages where there are efforts made to relate the fire or, as she says in this s, eight reach hard. And what I find in these marriages is the effort to reconnect is more important than the actual physical reconnection that the effort is coming from both sides and they go to these sort of incredible and silly links to get back there you than to get back that sense of excitement and to introduce something new into their lives and what most promising to me about
Marriage like that is that they both wanted and they both want each other and they want the last. The Kristen Bell told us why she connected with this essay. I have two small kids, so the idea of them disrupting intimacy with my husband, is very familiar but I love how the writer stresses that you still have to try and you can still be crazy, but you also have to be careful, and I think it's often comical how those two worlds collide. thanks again to Kristen for reading this week. Apiece, you can see her now in season three of the good place on and BC. Next week, John C Reilly. Every week I came to dread asking in the size of his head.
I couldn't let it go after so many years of Miss birthday parties and unattended literally games. The struggle to determine the size of his head seems like one slim shot at redemption. Invariably, every conversation came down to the same simple question: how big is your head? Modern love is the production of the New York Times and W B you are fastened and pr station it produced directed and edited by Jessica, Albert Caitlin, O Keefe and John Parity scoring and sound designed by met me. The idea for the model of pod cast was conceived by these are told it. I was Adler, our executive producer Annual Jones is the editor of modern love for the New York Times added buys or to the shop music for the purchase, courtesy of a p m
and by the way, if you love the show you can help listeners find us by leaving modern love, a rating or a review on apple pie casts or can just tell her friend about it. mega Chakrabarti see you next week. The.
Transcript generated on 2022-04-16.