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Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising

2019-05-15 | 🔗

In a live appearance at UCLA’s Royce Hall, New York Times best-selling author Glennon Doyle asks what would happen if we stopped being afraid of our pain. The founder of the online community Momastery and president of the nonprofit organization Together Rising, Glennon takes us on what she calls the “journey of the warrior,” explaining there is no easy way out when it comes to life’s challenges. “The willingness to dwell in our discomfort and truly listen is how we turn our pain into power,” she says.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I'm over Winfrey welcome to supersede conversations the podcast. I believe that one of the most valuable gives you can give yourself is time, in time to be more fully present Your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us starts right. Now. When I first read: Gliddon Doyle's book, lob war like I knew this girl. She was funny He was wise and she felt like a friend me linen spoke for, saw, many people who don't feel brave enough to speak their own truth and after sitting down with her on Superman. Sunday, I now call her a super, so visionary shears
Lenin Doyle Melton session is title. The pain then arising Here we are ok, so I have a couple questions for us today. The first one is this: how would our lives and our relationships and our world transform if we stop being so afraid of pain,. What, if we just once and for all, decided that we were strong enough for the pain and our lives so, instead of hiding from it, we just rush straight toward it allowed our pain to become power. So I'm a person you hid from pain for the first half of my life when I was ten years old and looked out at the
very world and I decided that I was too weak for it, so I dropped out of life and into Billina and then alcoholism. Until I was twenty five and found myself on that bathroom floor, shaking holding that positive pregnancy, Asked in finding myself decide that I wanted to become a mother, but at that point I've been in Attica for fifteen years, so I didn't even know how to be a human being So I decided that my best bet would be just a fake it to just look around for other women You seem to be adopting successfully end just copy them. So my criteria was then I looked for women who were wearing scarves right because I I just Like if you are the type of woman who gets up early enough to stop and look in the mirror and be like self-
You know this outfit needs is a scar, and then you have a bar as. At some point, and you know where to find said scarf and once you find the scarf, you know how you that tying thing than you are just crushing life. You know so I became a scarf were, and I became a wave and a mother and a writer and an activist because I thought that growing up the coming things and then I'm twelve years later, my husband told me that he'd been unfaithful to me, our entire marriage and that's when my unbecoming began so I went therapy and I sat with my therapist my said: look. I've never been in this much pain in my life and I need you to help me figure out how not to waste it. I have to use this pain somehow
And so I started working really hard and therapy, and I let my therapist take me back all the way to till I was ten years old and I dropped into Billina and here's what we discovered together. We are all born whole right where twenty trinity is, just, like God, body, mind in spirit and that the healthiest of us live our lives of the body. Physical live lives at the mind. Intellectual lives and lives of the soul, spiritual lives. But what happened to me so young is that our culture gave me so many confusing and objectified messages about my body that I just started dissociated from my body right, because good girls don't desire good girls, don't hunger
good girls, don't even growl, but I did hunger and I did desire and I did grow, and so I started to become ashamed of my body and you can't love and claim anything that you're ashamed up. So I just voted my body off the island of myself. And then I'm a similar thing happened to my then husband, Craig He was ten years old when he was born. He was hole to body minded spirit, but well. The world Tell us girls that good girls, don't hunger, don't I'm desire. The world tells little boys that brave boys don't feel don't cry don't make themselves vulnerable in any way, and so Craig did cry any did feel and so he's. We need to become ashamed of his emotions, so he voted his emotional self off the island right
Oh you see, we ve got women trying to love men with our minds, but they don't live there and we ve got men trying to love women with their bodies, but we don't live there, and it's like everything that we ve learned about. Femininity and masculinity makes it nearly impossible. For real men and real women to be fully human with each other, which makes it nearly impossible for us to really see each other, which of course makes it impossible for us to really love each other. And I know these things are huge generalizations, but I'm just sing them because they're always trill Kay. Oh, my therapist said: listen Glenn and I dont forget to save your marriage, but we ve got to save you. We ve got a host a reunion for you we'd better. Like vote your I'll be back on the island and they said that It's really hard, do you have any more pills and.
He said no more pills one and we're going to do the work or going to see the work plan, and so he the work. So for me, part of the work was to go to yoga. Ok Yoga ended up saving me, but I hated it at first because it was so like whew you now. So one morning during the separation- and I was just in so much despair. That was actually scared of myself, like I felt like if I started crying again, I just might never stop right. So I picked myself up off the bed and I went to yoga and I walked into the August studio and my instructor, my regular instructor wasn't there. So the receptionist pointed me towards this, new room, and I sat down in the room and you guys was one million billion degrees in the room, and I was-
annoyed because my life was so hard are ready, and now I didn't have any air conditioning and then the instructor walks in and she says, welcome too hot yo. And I was like oh wholly hell. This is on purpose like they're. Doing this on purpose, and then she says the following. Like Oprah all we are going to set our intentions for the class like oh, carry, the first lady, ok on the most no good, very bad terrible day of my life has the nerve to say this sentence. My intention is,
radiates, fan, lay to say shit, beer and everybody else, and some crap like that, and all I can do- is glare them and think will. My intention is not to stab all of you to death trap. More of this episode after a short break today, episode is supported by better help. If there's something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving our goals better help, online counselling can help better help offers licence professional councillors poor specialised in issues such as depression, anxiety, relationships, trauma, anger of family conflicts, algae BT, Q matters, grief, self esteem and more can Extra dear professional councillor in a safe and private online environment and get I'll take your own time and at your own pace anything he shares confidential its
El convenient that you can schedules secure, videophone sessions as well as Chad and tax with your therapist and for some reason you are not happy with your counselor. You can request a new one at any time for no additional charge, best of all its a truly affordable option: open Superbowl conversations, listeners even get ten percent off your first month with the discount code. Super saw so not good started today. Go to better, tat comes last. Super saw then simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a councillor. You'll love, that's better help dot com slashed super saw, but when they got around me. I was already crying- and I said, look my intention interested
day on this mats and try to handle whatever is about to happen here without running out the door and the room got really quiet and the instructor looked directly at me and she said: ok, honey, you just be still like ARI sounds easy. I can do that but you guys it wasn't easy. It was actually ninety of the hardest minutes of my life, because what I found out as I sat there is that I've been running so hard and so fast to avoid the confusion and pain of my past and the white hot rage and shame of my betrayal and my terror for the future of my babies. In my family and myself that I have
I haven't? I haven't felt any of it and silver. This ninety minutes, I just had to sit there and surrender to all of the pain and fear of all of it, and I think it was the first ninety minutes in which I allowed myself to feel what it means to be fully human without running out the door. It felt like it might. Tell me, but it didn't and we got to the end. The ogre class analysis lay it on my Matt and I was just soaking wet from tears and sweat like like. It had been some kind of organic baptism and the instructor walk. Over to me and she leans over to my ear and she said Fanny what you just survived. That was the journey of the warrior. Does that mean God Yoga is so we are worried. Ever so, I dislike got my man.
On the way home. You have had this crazy danger of a moment, so I picked up this at home. You have had this crazy deja vu moment, so I picked up this book of my coffee table that I've been reading. Flipped open to this page is a book called when things fall apart by permission drone- and I opened up to this page and read this paragraph. If you can sit with the hot loneliness for one point six seconds today when yesterday, you could only sit with it for one, then that is the journey. And I just sat on the floor and read that in red- that and read that I thought. Oh, my god, that is what I've been doing since I was ten years old, trying to out rugged hot loneliness. So when I was ten years old is my first started: have So when I was ten years old is my first started having painful human feelings like
ear and anger and unworthiness endowed in. Unblock being, but things are in our culture. We only talk about the value of happy shiny feelings. I thought there was something with me, I didn't know that these were just normal human feelings that everybody had and that they had something to teach me. I thought they were. Something to hide or get rid of and the amazing thing about our world is that the second you start feeling you're hot loneliness. The world start showing you easy button to get out of it said you guys remember those staples commercials where things would get stressful.
Oh and then a red, easy button would pop up and you could hit it and be transported out of your pain into this stress free place where we all love easy buttons right. We all have them. Food booze, sacks, shoppings, snark denial. Now everybody's scrolls scrolls right the second. We start feeling hot loneliness. We're like you, I need to do. I need to check on that. I knew and second grade and Theo stricter Bermuda going. And we feel so much better right where none, but the problem is when we transport ourselves or hot loneliness. We miss Oliver transformation, because everything that we need to become the people we are meant to become next is actually inside the hot loneliness of now
Rights when we easy, but not on our way out, we are like caterpillars who jumped out of the cocoon before we would have become butterflies, because pain is actually not a hot potato. It's a traveling professor and it knocks on everybody's door and the wisest when say come in and sit down and don't leave until you ve taught me what I need to know. We have it all wrong, we are afraid of pain, but we were made for pain. We need to be afraid of the easy, but because the journey of the of warrior is to rush towards her pain and allow her pain to become. If we stopped fearing paying you guys, we would become such better parents. So I was at this and parenting convention recently and this woman raised her hand and she said glutton, my family is broken and there's nothing. I can do to fix it. It's done and my
oh boy is in so much pain and every day I look at him and I think, oh, my god, I had one job. My one job was to protect him from pain and I couldn't do it and I feel like such a failure- and I said, ok hold on a second. Can you give me three words that you would use to describe the kind of man you're trying to raise and she said I want them to be kind, and I want them to be wise and I want them to be resilient. Ok, then, what is it in a human life that create kindness and wisdom and resilience its pay. That's it it's the struggle, it's not having nothing to overcome its overcoming and overcoming and overcoming. So is it possible that we Trying to protect our children from the
One thing that will allow them to become the people we dream they'll be: and is it possible that we all feel like failures, because we have the around job description. Because it was never our job nor our right to protect our children from their pain. Our job is to point them directly towards it and say baby that. Meant for you, and I see your fear and its real and its big. But I see your courage, big aids and you guys
if we stopped hearing pain, we would become such better friends everyday. I hear from a woman to whom the worst does happen: she's lost a spouse, she's lost a baby, she's lost, she's lost and then on top of that loss and evidently becomes a second loss, which is if she loses all of her friends. Her friends just fall away. One of the time and I've come to believe that that is not because her friends were bad. It's because her friends had the wrong job description, because if you ask any of them why they stopped showing up they'll, say something like this. I just didn't know what to say to fix it as if Greece is something to be fixed right, grief is wholly just like joy is grief.
The price of love right, it's the receipt we hold in the air to save the world. Look I paid the price for love and its often the only thing a woman has left to prove she laughed, and the last thing she wants is for somebody to come in and try to snatch it from, We don't need friends, you can fix our pain, we need friends who are brave enough to be still with pain to. Let us have it right because
friendship. Friendship is just to people, not being God together right, this friendship fit and you guys. If we stop hearing our pain, we would finally find our purpose and our tribe. So this is what I hear every day. I can't go there to break my heart. I can't meet hurdle break my heart. I can't read that little break my heart, but heartbreak is not something to be avoided. Heartbreak is the greatest, of our line right, because what break your heart is different than what bricks your heart for you, it's racism, and you it's hunger and for you it's war, and for you, it's animal cruelty and what happens when you find that thing the brakes or hard open and makes you makes it hard to breathe.
And you dont easy button you're way out, but you let it be your professor. It guides you towards the people who are doing that world healing work in the world right. And there you find your purpose and then the bonuses that bear you find your tribe, because there's no bond greater than the bond that happens between people doing the same world healing work together, you guys and girls and women. If we stopped fearing our pain, we would heal our nation. Okay, we in a wedding, ass yoga class right now. And we have got to commit to staying on our mad because everything we need to become the country we were meant to be to become great for first time for all of us right is inside the house.
Loneliness of the car collective pain right now. Ok, so I need it To the white women for a minute, ok, we're gonna talk. Ok, oh, I know that many of us are feeling alone and ignored and threatened abuse and were feeling like our bodies are being threatened and that our children's education is at risk and that we can be grab, any minute and that our degradation and our objective Asian and our discrimination has become normalized accepted in ways that are willing, and this is painful. But what we need to remember is that this is just a touch of the pain that so many marginalized people in this country have been feeling for age it right
black people and brown people in France, people in gay people and muslim people, a native Americans and poor people right. This is just a touch of what they ve been feeling and what stocks is that it took us being personally affected to finally show, and so we can not show up for the movement and say here we are into we say we are so damn sorry. It took us along rights and then, when we are speaking again with it or not Speak against massage, if in the same breath, were not also speaking against Transphobia I'm a phobia and racism and classes them poverty in the same breath as this is one fight it always has been
when women say to me when white women say to me, how do I lead? Where do I begin? I say you do not lead and you dont begin anything. The right that favours civil rights is not new, we're just new to it right and the generals and justice have always been and will always be the women of color eight So what you do is you learn about surely system and you learn about my Angelou and you learn and you learn and you learn in the new learn about unfollow Avatar Bernay LISA, And garment, whereas and Linda Ceasar, you look at how their fighting and then you fight like their fighting right, because if our weight feminism does not become intersection or that it will be nothing. But the beauty of this moment, you guys is that we were asleep and separate, and now we're awake and united in our collective pain can
come our collective power it already in looking down lucky, we oughta be ok, I'm almost done him an eight minutes over so listen. The journey of the love warrior is to stop hiding from the pain and instead turn directly towards it right in March right into it, and you don't have to trust me that that works, because every great spiritual leader who was Greece on earth has taught the same thing that you need your pain right, whether it was Buddha whose father tried to protect him from all suffering, but he had to leave and experience all of it before he could find enlightenment or my favorite Joan of ARC who, at fourteen letter, people straight into the battle to find victory right or Wesley from the princess bride.
Said who said laid his pain highness and anyone who tells you differently is telling you something or Jesus you guys. I like worship, the guy, okay and end the night before the crucifixion. So we have these twelve friends and one of em like really slow, ok, his name was Peter, I like Peter, and he never knew what was going on, but he finally figured out the night before the crucifixion. What was about to happen? So we goes up to Jesus need like dude, So here's what I heard it they're gonna, kill you tomorrow, your God so Ex, nay, on the roots of fiction K. I feel like MRS Ryan- let's get out of here right, so so, basically Peters like easy button, denial ray, and what did you say you know get behind me
That pain was meant. For me, there is no glory, except straight through your story and there is no resurrection without the crucifix. First, all of our problems come from trying to rise before we surrender to our own crucifixion for us in our personal lives, for our relationships for our world. The pattern is and always will be, first, the pain then the rising first or pain. Then, arising hook and I'm overwintering
and you ve been listening to supersede conversations the pod cast. You can follow super soul on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook if you haven't yet go to apple podcast and subscribe rate and review this pledge gas joy. Next week for another supersede conversation, thank you for listening.
Transcript generated on 2020-01-10.