Iyanla Vanzant joins Oprah to help viewers move beyond the guilt weighing them down in their lives. Iyanla teaches us how to grow beyond guilt so that we may experience true freedom. Oprah and Iyanla talk with Amy, a mother of three, who says she is shackled to her guilt after making a terrible decision two years ago. Iyanla helps Amy uncover the root cause of her guilt and shame. Then, through Facebook, Twitter and Skype, Oprah and Iyanla take questions from people around the world.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I'm over Winfrey, welcome to supersede conversations the podcast. I believe that one of the most valuable gives you can give yourself is time taking time to be more fully present. Your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us starts right now tonight, life less. It is something I know that so many people struggle with we're talking about kilt, how it affects our Patient ships were already you say: no man, that's our relationships with friends with our family are coworkers. So I wanted how many of you feel guilty as moms any guilty in the autumn really you're nuts What are the daring
my dollar bills guilty or not spending more time with your your children, one child, you feeling guilty about that. How does your child you six? Ok, you guilty already ok, so our people confuse guild with shame. You said their cousins. I say that cousins, kissing cousins, shame says, there's something wrong with why its intrinsic. I can't do anything about it. Guilt, says, there's something wrong with what I've done or am I doing, or am I doing here the side feel guilty about. Even people now feel guilty about what they think you know what they say, both of them was shame is, is a little deeper. Guilt, however, is a wasted. Emotion, that's what I said. It's a waste that emotion, because a minute you find that there is something wrong or out of alignment out of order and what you're thinking of doing do something out of battle resign over three main reasons that people feel guilty. I think the first one is that we either have a premonition, a predisposition. We know that what we do is out of order. You know, and you do it anyway, within each yourself up. You know. The second thing is when we know we call pause, heard harm danger to someone that will lead us guilt. We look at what we did and how it hurts me shouldn't. You feel guilty about back well, now, thinking can make amends, ok and you can do better next time. What does guilt serve a dozen serve anything other than the eager. Ok, which is to take you out of the knowledge, meant that you call cause heard harm or danger Al Asma Knowledge, wretched you you cause that just somebody is not the same thing is feeling guilty about it now knowledge you ask for forgiveness of yourself first and then of other people. If you can.
If you can do something to make amends, yes, then that will release release you from the karmic tied to that action, and the third one, I think, is when we disappoint or upset someone right that we love or care about. When we go into Gill, that's the children! You know mothers play that guilt card all the time. All look you made me feel like you're, giving me a headache. I broke my so at the end of this life class. What we want is to substitute that emotion of guilt, replace it with what is real and that can be active in getting you to move on yeah. It could be self forgiveness, it could be asking for forgiveness, it could be making amends and it could be just slapping yourself outside the head. Could you just been wasting time and energy are alone? Ok, Amy, as a mother of three who says that she is drowning in gilt after making a bad choice. Two years ago I can. I can see why you would be on a wave of gum, panic and Jean does come running. It feels like, on its January tenth all over again Amy and her two young children were on their way home. From a day of ice skating, Amy was driving drunk. I started drinking because I found lonely. I found my marriage was going in.
interaction. I was slipping into a depression, Amy's car careened across oncoming traffic and slammed into a tree for five year old daughter, Madison was critically injured. When I saw my our lying on the stretcher tended to buy the paramedics, I screamed for her. What did I just you? Did I just tell em there mom I'm supposed to protect them? How can I do that? My own children killed that voice in the back of my head, that says, you're a lousy ma.
You're drunk holding onto the guilt is my way of punishing myself because I deserved to be punished, so I mean I've to tell you that when I first heard the story, my first reaction is probably the same as I know many of you. We all feel like. Ok, that's worth feeling guilty about, because that's a pretty tragic thing, DR driving drunken. I have a history on the open, Winfrey show of speaking out very strongly about that. So I'm gonna like let you step in and handle you know because aren't you all thinking? Well, ok, you're driving, drunk you shouldn't! You should feel bad about that. Well feeling bad and being guilty. Three years later, three years now.
Two and a half way down to the day. She probably lives is twenty four hours a day and you're still with your husband. I just want to and fro ass my husband that the thing here, the ego always requires punishment, and you said that the the guilt because you guilty, you should be punished because whenever you guilty there has to be punishment and that's what the eagle will use negative ego will use to keep you stuck. So my question is: what does it serve for you to be punished? What does it serve beloved? My guilt for me, I feel like if I let that girl- and I am sorry for what I did. What are you sorry for what you do? They were. What tell me exactly what you believe you do tell me what you do, I'm their mother and I should be protecting them and I was selfish is that is that accurate, that's accurate? Is it really I mean? I knew what I was doing. I almost killed them. Ok and I believe that I wasn't doing my job being apparent or why
did you almost killed them, because I drank, and why did you drink because I was depressed and why were you depressed because my life, my marriage, wasn't going well my husband and I seem like we're going into different directions. I put on this facade and we said we still acted as if we were the perfect couple, but we weren't we were far from it. Behind closed doors saw him guilty about having accident. Are you guilty about living in authentically? Are you guilty about not addressing the drinking problem because you had a drink and you went from the hospital to rehash idea? When did you know you had a problem when I looked over and I was lying, I was lying on a stretcher myself and I looked over myself, Madison lying on a stretcher and the reality of what I did.
And the reality of what my actions and what my drinking cause just such angular had no tell me, I'm shaking my head: no, because by the time you are in a car accident, you had three beers and a shot about something else, whatever glass of wine, the right listed by the time you are in a car accident, where you have the capability of harming yourself and your children have had multiple signs that something was often wrong, so lonesome and you pay any attention to making. So it was not when you saw her daughter, lying on this track exactly when the reality of what I did set, not which guilty about that's what I'm real team, because. I do already knew that before you got in the car, you had a problem so part of what hanging you up right now is you knew when you stepped into that car draw?
That you were wrong do at that, don't go anywhere or to come after this short break. Today's episode is supported by american heritage. Chocolate. Have you ever baked anything that required graded chocolate. It can be a little messy and time consuming. Eric inherited chocolate, Mars, Wrigley Brand has the answer. Finally, graded baking, chocolate. Easy to use and easy to melt. All you after due as measure and including your favorite recipes, Eric inherited chocolate, replace a semi sweet chocolate one to one in any recipe from Sir its savory dishes that work for breakfast lunch dinner and everything in between a base, their chocolate off of historic recipes from the seventeen hundreds and included spices that were popular at the time. Cinnamon Orange Chile and more american heritage, chocolate took these historic chocolate recipes and, in separated them for a modern palate,
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That would keep her from doing any movement, not absolute, and she feels that way to go. That way. I feel like if I hold onto my guilt now, set everything in my life. Can't let you go into that story. You know, I'm a story interrupter Guilt is a ways, did emotion and its ungodly. Let's be sorted out. So what you do now is take responsibility and make conscious choices because every choice you make supersedes and overrides every other choice you may so that what we want that outward want money and everybody.
Phoebe doesn't get a vote in how Gill, but fairly, is feeling the same thing a lot about and I yield. Also. May I say we I mean I'm sorry about that. I expect chancel cancel cancel, cancel out, even though what I'm trying to say maybe I'm reading for. myself you channeling Phoebe as that? What we want is to replace the feeling guilty with taking responsibility and working too anxious to making a different choice. I feel like I'm starting to take responsibility. With I mean living sober is the best
How do I get it if the ban can give people shackled to the girl? My ego says to me anytime, I start to have behind or any time I get a glimpse of happiness. My ego and my guilt will say to me: don't you ever forget what you did you ever forget what you did. Ok. Can you here, though, that the lesson for you Child lived, you lived, you'll get another chance. Second reason you deserve: it is because you have it. Reason why you know you deserve it. You have it if God has a blessing of joy for you, the only thing the Eagle Ass to do to steal your joy is to say: don't you ever forget what you who's gonna win back garden,
Because ego is easing God, our joy, this is what you say and if you were to be punished, the baby would be dead. You have the second chance and God gives us an endless supply of moreover, Skype, if you need mad thousand second chance, got a moment of grace. Take it take it give yourselves permission to be ok permission Having given the commission, the evidence is right there, she hasn't given herself permission to be ok. Sell permission to be. Ok, ok, so what what nerve did we finally hit there? They got you crying. What what's going on just to give myself permission to make this happen?
her forward and given the race to move forward, everybody's a lie and the other thing here me everybody, the reading the book than they do in the affirmation of this and then the other thing. That's a doing you trying to do what you need to do to be better. I want you to be here. I will change your mind. All things are my starting today will start to all things should, as a year, you shaking your head from Toronto. What are you thinking up there? Well, you know too little children and so my heart goes out to eat me. I don't even know her and I've already.
And giving her, and so what I would want to say is your children are alive for reason your child survived, and I guarantee you that Dave already. Forgive you and I think, if you bear yourself in the gil, your children will be it'll, be harder for them to flee. If you, if you spend the rest of their childhood, punishing yourselves Maxell permission. I give myself permission, give myself permission to forgive myself. To forgive my. I give myself permission. I give myself permission to be healed and ok to be healed, milk and that's what you do. That is what you mean by replaced the store places Tokay Cholera from New Jersey. What do you have to say? I events ings, but I can't seem to deal my food issues. I I
I want to draw three times I've written a book, and yet I still struggle with every single day, and so I'm wondering how I will pass that, but I think there is a great lesson about telling the truth about your situation. What does that mean you still I'm more than three hundred pounds you identify with Diana right now on Facebook, Dinah, proud who sang, I feel guilty for not taking care of me, I'm always about other people and their needs, but always getting hurt in the process of always one giving the shortening of the stick. So you are feeling guilty for not giving yourself the love that you know you deserve that's rain or believe you deserve all right. Let's address that! That's really blah! I'm a little confused took a loose.
Because she said she struggles with food struggles with have our drug rightful love. Have you ever giving yourself permission to have that awareness that food is your love, your love, I maybe I think I struggle with the fact that you have to eat every day, though you need a ride a Janine Rothberg with says food is love. Food is love. Then you need to read the Janine Rock, but this is women. Food and God that? What is your love? If you three hundred pounds food? Is your love it? So you need to get to that. There's some place. Possibly. I don't know this to be true where you didn't feel loved, nurtured or careful, so food dirges invalid nourishes and doing that cares for you now. The way you doing is not good. That means you have to
Another choice would take responsibility for don't we struggle with that. In the meantime, women food, in God, Janine Rock, yes, one of lending, ok, the big our hard for me is that you replace, I always said into wasted emotion, but to replace the guild with what is real with the truth of responsibility. That's right! That's what yours and accept responsibility! One should tell the truth, accept responsibility. Now you are empowered to make another choice: a conscious choice, but also what we recognise is you have to get with. Amy is to give yourself permission to move beyond this, because, if you don't have permission from yourself not to be.
Doctors are punishing you so then you you'll understand, because people will realise that the punishment already happened. It really did it never moment checking with Vicki from Ireland Vicki. What are you thinking about all this? An unfortunate really hard actually be her, and my story is slightly different and I find it hard to take responsibility for what I did. What did you do? An Mai has passed away when you're ago last Monday, and I found him that in his bedroom he had been there about a month and he was built condemned me. We were supposed to shopping in age or not attacking them, not call him not to visit. Even though I was only a few hundred yards away and he.
Green line there riding in the bed all the time, so I find it hard to move on and nasty that image of him and think I did it you. What did you do if I had a fountain maybe three weeks earlier among earlier. He wouldn't he wouldn't be that decomposed. So is the issue that he was decomposed was the issue that he may transition that he died. as regards the Friday with was pronounced. Maybe we reckon that maybe that tat evening he passed away his own turned off so you're you're those guilty about finding not finding him dead. On Friday, is that what you're guilty about now calling him on the Friday Correct, Yossi, go dancing on my prayers, but he would have had on Friday. Even had you not gone dancing, he may have been dead. It's so easy to save myself and
If I had a gun to see him, maybe I wanna go out there and who were living that do you believe that to be true, unfortunately, s? Okay, so how does that serve you just to continue to believe that they are on Friday? Perhaps your father wouldn't. I have been there are dozens of man? Are, you sure, dies, because we don't do anything that doesn't service it serves? Are somehow I desire
stopping me at stopping me moving out of my life and stopping me from experiencing adds a wonderful times makinsons. We don't do anything that doesnt server saw anything. You do serve something it serves a conscious and unconscious part of everything, whether its eating drinking sharply. I got it so something so how does it serve and honour your father's memory for you to continue to think that perhaps see this is eager to, but I just need you to get there. How does it serve his memory for you to hold on the belief that, had you got me a Friday, maybe he wouldn't be dead. It's I suppose in some ways it SAM it's made me pay. The price is, I feel, like I'm paying the price by. Let myself be like this, that, if I let go when I say it's not my fault
You know I was just in doing the things I was doing and that I'm getting off the hook ends You won T let myself off the hook. Your way, you feel that if you let yourself off the hook, then you somehow dishonor in your father. So if you stay stuck in the guilt of, if I had been, there were five found, the body before decomposed. After two weeks, I've been there three weeks for the dead body, then I'm just wondering how much better
You would feel had she found him or Friday. Ok, let's Asker am I don't. I don't feel as bad as I do now, because I got so much time. Go like a month is a long time and I haven't. They will give you my time and pick up the phone and children or right right there. That's what that's how you gonna healed. You got it so that tells me to think number one. There were breakdowns in your relationships before he died abso because this was a path you know. If I was born with my daddy and I hear from my daddy and a man, I got
issue, but that says to me that you and him had problems in a relationship anyway, would then be accurate very much. So that's number one number two sobered she's really feeling bad is about the problems that you had in the relationship with her father and now the fathers gone, etc, and you never gonna be able to resolve that avian flu and maybe they fixed it, and now he will once again I would offer- and I dont know this to be true- unwilling to be wrong- that at some point he left you would that be accurate. Ok, so you got him back and now again I mean this is what happened in this is how its unfolding and now in the brain, if I hadn't done that to him yadda yadda. Here is what my good friend Byron Katy says. She says if you are
Who, against reality, you will suffer. Yes, if you argue against reality, you weasels off. I just want everybody that received that's what I'd really whenever you're another way of saying that is when you are pushing against what is less and wanting what is to be different than what it is, you are going to suffer or have stressed. That's really. The definition is dress. You want the situation. It is something that it isn't, whether you in traffic or whether you sit in a marriage, bad Mary, evasive in a child is really seeking revenge against daddy. You gonna suffer, and I think people confuse, except in reality,
to be an ok oblige, ok, our liking and permission. Ok! So accepting it is not the same thing now liking, because you have response ability for how you Reese farm to whatever the experiences. So your boyfriend is cheating Euro have the light there, but you have to accept the fact that is cheap that's lipstick, not jelly, almost power. We have to accept that. Then you get an opportunity to support as powder respond and how you gonna continue to participate in it. Ok, so whether it you're its relationship situation, the reality as I just lost my job to reality as I need to make a change. The reality is, I hate my job. I hate my just a reality. I hate my job. I hate my job, but every day you go to work and make it about what other people are saying and doing too. You know the reality. The reality is that you are not happy where you are take responsibility either to find the joy.
Pleasure in this job only but don't wanna final guy learning yelled, I think he's needs you face the truth, how to forgive yourself in a way or another, because the story will keep popping up and have to remind yourself all the time about that's what did you learn? It because I, when I was reading your background, you said you'd send you the produces you guilty about everything that you still get gang This list is that your given that we are humans, we make mistakes. I all known you home on it say I am human, I'm inhuman and I make mistakes and dynamic, and I give myself from it Then I give myself Burma's myself yet forgive myself to be human,
To be here and to make mistakes and to make us Gee, I'm Toronto, one of our favoured cities any hour has today many hi, primarily the one about that. Sometimes it's often the eagle, that's filling the guilt, but when you use that you go it's edging God out, yes, tell gesture just to realize that you, as, as the other person said to forgive yourselves, give light. I love you give maximum here is a role for life glasses on your stuff. They'll make it about you them they give myself. I thought that you said that God wants it. the be happy, that's the bottom line and that the punishment half has already happened, and that was a yeah. Well, you got a lot worse.
I'm over Winfrey and you ve been listening to supersede conversations the planned cast, you can follow super soul on Instagram, twitter and Facebook. If you haven't yet go to apple pie, Kenneth and subscribe rate and review. This plugins join me next week for another super soul. Conversation. Thank you for listening.
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Transcript generated on 2020-10-05.