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522: The Anger Iceberg by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com

2017-05-16 | 🔗

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Episode 522: The Anger Iceberg by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com (Relationships & Compassion).

The original post is located here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
real quick i recommend listen to the show on spotify we can listen to all of your favorite artist and podcast in one place for free without a premium account spotify has a huge catalog of podcast on every imaginable topic plus he can follow your favorite podcast so you never miss an episode premium users can download episodes to listen to offline wherever and whenever and easily share what you're listening to with your friends on instagram so if you haven't done so already be sure to download the spotify app search for optimal living daily on spotify or browse podcast in the your library tab also make sure to follow me so you never miss an episode of optimal living daily this is optimal living daily episode five hundred and twenty two the anger iceberg by karl benson with gotten dot com and i'm just a moloch we'll go to the oil de podcast this answer optimal living daily depot gas rigour mission from authors of some of the best blogs on the planet every them to you all for free decree the which is crazy enough to work and
a brand new site for this pod cast the garment institute which is actually been read over on our newest podcast optimal living daily relationships and wanted to here too because i content is great and carbon in their blog measure has been really awesome through this whole thing is i'm really insightful articles himself one which will be today so the guard as the two or gottman dot com is all about helping to create contain greater love and health and relationships and have the perfect em newsletter call the marriage minute to help couples improves their relation ships in just sixty seconds is a resource tools articles videos exercises an more and best of all its free work only to that just go to old podcast art com slash marriage to check it out and i was your very first article from them for this project a start optimizing your life the anger iceberg by karl benson with gottman dot com
have you ever wondered why we get angry according to psychologist daniel gorman quote emotions are in essence impulses to act the instant as for handling life that evolution has instilled in us on quote his book emotion intelligence common tells us tat anger causes blood go to our hands making it easier for us strike an enemy or hold a weapon or heart rate speeds up in a rush of harm including adrenaline creed us of energy stronger to take what unquote vigorous action in this way anger has been in green into our brain to protect us the purpose of anger of like an iceberg a large piece of ice found flow an open ocean most of the iceberg ten below the surface of the water similarly when we are angry their use the other emotions hidden beneath the surface is easy to see it persons anger but can be difficult to the underlying feelings anger is protecting for example do
believed he and anger problem when his wife would make a request of him he would criticise her he didn't like his reactions but he felt he could but ass he worked on mindfulness and star noticing the space between his anger and his actions he opened the door a profound realisation he didn't really have in anger problem instead he felt like his wife was placing impossible demands on it by seeking to understand and accept his anger rather than fix or suppress it he began to improve it urged by recognising his anger is a signal that he needed to set healthy boundaries for what he would and would not do david where he points out an important concept masses and if a phd author of emotional agility says quote our raphia this can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves i can prompt insights into imports life directions unquote her point is there's something more below the surface of our anger manner as protect however our feelings and yours off
scribe as a secondary emotion because people tend to use it to protect their own raw vulnerable overwhelming feelings underneath caves anger was pure exertion and feeling that he good enough for his wife so saying it was protecting him from deeply painful shame learning to recognise angers a protector of our raw feelings can be incredibly powerful it can lead to heal conversations that allow couples as well as children and parents to understand each other better three tips for listening to anger more than most difficult things about listening to a child or lovers anger especially when is directed at us is that we become defensive we want it back as our own anger boil so the surface if this happens we get in a heap it verbal battle which leaves both parties feeling misunderstood and heard here are three powerful tips for listening to anger number one don't take it personally your partner or childs anger is usually not about you it's about
underlying primary feelings to not take this personally she's a high level of emotional intelligence but always do this is by becoming curious of why their angry is much easier for me to become defensive but by found thinking while this since angry why's that leaves me the jury to seeing the raw motions they are protecting actually brings us closer together number two don't ever tell your partner to calm down my work was couples and one of the partners get angry may have witnessed other partners a calm down or you're overreacting tells a recipient of their feelings don't matter and they are not acceptable to go here is not to change or fix it up where's emotions but rather to sit on their anger iceberg with them communicate that understand and accept their feelings when you this well your partners anger was subside in the primary emotion will rise to the surface not automation they will feel heard by you which builds trust over time maybe you grew up in a
only where anger wasn't allowed so when your partner expresses it if use paralyzing and you free or maybe try to solve their anger for them because our anger scares you open yourself up to expand you're on your partners full spectrum of emotions number three identify the obstacle anger is often call but by an obstacle blocking a goal for example of your partners goes to feel safe on their birthday in their family member missing their special day makes him angry identifying the obstacle will give you site into why their angry the bottom line is that people feel angry for a reason is your job to your stand and sit with them in it by doing so you know we help them to understand their anger but will become closer to them in the process you just as into the post title the anger iceberg by karl benson with common dot com and is a nice little if
graphic of an iceberg with the emotions at the anger is protecting you can check it out on this post which is linked to the episodes description and old polish asked our com and big things thailand the garment institute team for giving us permission to read their posts here and on the optimal living daily relationships podcast coincidentally jaws is reading another one from the same author kyle overall that podcast today his title six hours week to a better relationship to really gets a trifle our two on the optimal being daily relationships podcast and don't forget check out their marriage minute email newsletter is totally free and has great apes an actress as is in videos and more tells you optimize to relationships link is old podcast dot com slash marriage and can also find it a calm and our com i have the short cut link in this episode corruption and at all podcast outcome also with this episode signals find it there i think they're does ever today think
ro listening everyday with me and optimizing your life it means so much you for sharing the show with others spreading the word helps a lot of it tomorrow as usual this time with opposed from good lives and say to him for that we are often a life awaits hey this is dan from the optimal financed daily podcast which is a lot like this show except more focused on personal financed just in hand picked the best posts he can find from blogs and authors light were meet safety mr money moustache and more and i read them team five days a week so if you can join this part cast come on over and subscribe to optimal financed daily to and together we optimize your financial life you ve been listening to optimum living daily be sure they hit the subscribed button to stay up to date on each new episode and heads of all parties stockholm that's o l de podcast dot com for a free gift as well as more
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Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.