In order to fix your relationship, you'll need to get real about yourself first. The journey towards a better relationship begins with you. You may be in a relationship that has gone off the rails, you feel disappointed and disillusioned but now is the time to change all of that. I am going to give you the means to turn any relationship around. Episode one of Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With? For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/ Also, Tuesday October 22nd on Dr. Phil more relationship issues: "Liar, Liar: Which Sister is Telling the Truth?" Check out this clip: https://www.drphil.com/shows/liar-liar-which-sister-is-telling-the-truth/ See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
because any relationship that I'm going to influence- I am-
only gonna be able to influence it through you. If these
this exist. There deal breakers
need to get out and get out right now are
you willing to measure quality
your relationships based on results, not intention based on research
to fill media bend. Your way to fill in the blanks fear we just finished
part series call living by design and in that ten part series I gave you a playbook to be a power
to be a winner in your life.
What I want to do now is talk to you about the fact that you are a social b, because I've studied
And no one case study I've done of success.
Was alone Ranger, every one of them surrounded themselves with people wanted.
To succeed and know what that means, that means every
one of them had relationships
Some of them were marital relationships. Some of them were family relationships. Some of them were friends whatever with that
all had relationships
gonna do a series with you now I think is,
really well with living by design
this series is called
relationship reality check endless
job title is how much
further. You live with
you don't get nowhere. I really love fill in the blanks because is giving me a chance without the story in front of me without a couple or a family in front of me to do,
to deal with some information, some facts, a data download that you can take and apply
to your situation, your story and when you watch the show which I hope you do, I hope it's really interesting
because I think you can take a lot away
from seeing what people are doing in their own lives, but
there is also a place for me
is being able to talk to you about what I have learned across forty five years,
of living and learning and counselling about what it really takes to six
aid as a social being and that's what I want
Talk to you about what I say, social being a mean. Think about it. We
our social animals,
you cannot go through your day without interacting with other people. If you go with a girl,
restore you go the gas station I mean true, we are.
In very automated, but you still have to deal with people.
Trust me if you're standing in the line at the grocery store and you're like third in a line of ten years,
have a relationship with the person right in front of you and you,
have a relationship with the person right bind you now it's a brief relationship by
It is mutually defined. Like you,
but behind this person in line at the grocery store, they know
You know they're there
somebody behind you and I know you're in you, know their behind you. So what are you gonna do? You're, going
find a relationship with both of you that the person
proud of you
look over his shoulder and say hot enough for you.
And you might say, yeah and your back
at the expiration date only wilt garden. Ok, now you ve just
If I had your relationship here,
a casual comment,
you heard that come in
an encounter rejected. Is it ok
fine, you said something I choose
to engage. War
you might turn around to the person behind you.
about all this ray. We been heaven,
that person might say you're not kidding.
It was flooding in my street today I had to go move this and that any new guys might strike up a conversation. Their next thing. You know you're talking about the rams, the cowboys, the Yankees or whatever, as you go through the wine. So you
mutually to find a different relationship, but it is
mutually define, because I believe in the principle of reciprocity and let me
Tell you how important this is, because you truly,
what you give in a relationship
I condemn them all
see somebody you know, and they say
he has gone,
They find in you
What are they gonna say? They say
how's it going. You say fine and you
what are they most likely to say you could move
come out of their mouth next.
It's gotta be something like fine or I'm good. Thanks for asking
it's going to be at the same level. If you engage superficially their likely
to respond superficially, if they,
up to you and say: hey:
and you say well to tell you that
This is the hardest week of my life. I lost my mother two days ago
now? What are they gonna say where they say
well, I'm good, actually good, see you by no they're, not gonna, do that you have just taken,
from the superficial to the vulnerable.
They're going to reciprocate at that level. They're not gonna, give you a superficial, oh really, well, good, to see you
it's not gonna happen.
Ass. They re, smooth, running psychopath
they're gonna reciprocate by reflecting feeling not content. There is a big difference.
And that's what I mean about the principle of reciprocity. I tell you that to tell you, this
Whatever relationships, you have friends, coworkers lovers, spouses,
You have mutually defined that relationship
I'm going to talk to you first about you. Why
because you're the only one listening to this right now
you might have ten or twenty key relationships in your life, but unless you set up bleachers
you're the only one, I'm talkin to you right now, which mean
if you ve, got twenty relationships. I can't be too
looking to the other twenty right now I can only talk to you, which means I can only influence you so
wanna talk to you about you,
And that works out really well, because
any relationship that I'm going to influence, I'm
only going to be able to influence it through you
any relationship that needs fixing a bit gets fixed. It's gonna get fixed by you.
Any relationship that you want to change
Change agent is going to be you.
Any relationship that you want to complete
they redefine. It's going to be
redefine by fill in the bike, you
So why am I calling this a relationship series well.
I called it relationship reality check because the
Truth of the matter is
relationships are not fifty fifty that's one of them.
Biggest myths of relations
Epps and we're gonna be breaking Submiss as we go along people
yeah. I got married, and so this needs to be fifty five
we need each come meet in the middle halfway relationships, not fifty fifty relation
The apes are one hundred one hundred that me
You have to look at yours,
health is one hundred percent responsible for you
own destiny. You need look at yourself as one hundred percent responsible.
For what ever relationship you have in your life in the region,
I say that because the only person you control is you that's the bad news, the Good NEWS,
is the only person you control? Is you that's both in
bad news and reason. It's also. The good news is because this year,
the person you have access to. That's the only person you need to change in order to
You define a relationship. You can't control anybody else. You can inspire them. You can end
Then you can create.
The different environment that pulls for different responses for them, but the only person you control is you.
If you want to engage the world in a different way than I need to talk to you not about your partner but about you and do
We're gonna have to make a deal right now,
It's good nobody's! Listen to this because it means you can be real because you cannot be defensive.
You cannot be a right fighter? You can
do you know you cannot be rigid and you cannot be hard headed. You have
the decide, ok, look
for the time I'm listening here and talking with Doktor Phil, I'm gonna.
Take down my defences and I don't
need to be right, I'm just gonna, listen. Who knows he
I actually know something. I don't know pro
Probably not, but you know, maybe oh boy,
and so find an acre, maybe I'll stumble across something that may be
you don't know, and maybe you can you and if you think that was sarcastic, if you picked up on that, I hope
because I was heap in it on pretty heavy I've studied relationships, and I want to share with you what I know if you want
to focus on saving a relationship that often the ditch, maybe
gotta relationship in trouble. Maybe it's with,
spouse babies with your boss- maybe it's with your best friend. It seems to have changed. Well, ok, but the vehicle the secret
to making that relationship, something that it's not right. Now is you
Here's where I want to start either
they say many times that we generate the results in life that we think we deserve it.
You are in a bad relationship list justice
this is a romantic relationship, maybe you're married, maybe it's just somebody you're living with or dating or whatever, but it's
giving you what you want and I'll bet you
If I swung this MIKE around, you could spend the rest of this time. Telling me how flawed your partner is
they don't get it, how they are not reasonable, how they are this her? They are that, and you may be,
I don't know again, since they are not here
I can influence them. I can only influence you there
I'm telling you that my first go here is to restore you too
a position in this life to being the kind of person in this
I think, commands quality in your relationship. The kind of person
that inspires respect the kind of person that
Not settle for anything,
the relationship other the
what you really want and need from this relationship. If you are in a relationship that is marked by pain, confusion, emptiness, despair, distance, conflict, you ve lost canoe.
Action with the person. Then I can tell you you have sacrificed your personal
power, you have lost your dignity and your self esteem, because if your partner is ever
everything that you're saying
You mean their rude, their ugly, their cold year pudding,
Why would you do that? Why
would you let somebody treat you that way.
I flew number eight, we teach people how to treat us. We teach people.
A treat us don't tell me what a bitch your partner is. Don't tell me what a jerk your partner is.
Tell me why? That's ok with you and your support?
I'm ok with me. Well,
based on results. It is
we're gonna talk about results before we finish today's conversation
because it's something I'm gonna, ask you to agree to devote yourself too.
But what am I saying here, I'm saying what ever your relationship is.
You either illicit, maintain or allow that
to go on in your relationship. You do teach people how to treat you. You do reward certain things from other
people, because they wouldn't do it. If you didn't they're getting a pay off from it. Maybe it's a sick,
lay off? Maybe they love to see you in pain. I dont know
but when you lose your personal power, when you give it away to somebody else, when you sacrifice your dignity and self esteem, sets it you're willing to accept what you dont want then,
You ve done is learn to accommodate, took pain and disappointment.
And if you letting your partner abuse you
if you're letting them abuse you by a number of things. Maybe it's actually physical abuse, maybe it's mental or emotional.
And let me tell you abuses, not what most people think most people think abuse
just when somebody pitchy and head comes up slap, your face or throws up against the wall or Chokichi were what
is that abuse absolutely thus abuse? That's not much of a stretched
the larger, the yell and scream at you and call you names and domain. You then
understand how that's abuses as well right. That's verbal and emotional abuse.
But sometimes people miss some forms of abuse, for example with holding emotions withholding affection?
creating distance and keeping you isolated in an emotionally baron relationship. That too is abusive, b,
in over controlling where they take away your self expression, where they cause you to sacrifice being
All of who you are in order to be half of a relationship that is abusive.
Some relationships are so controlling that they make the person
get all of their friends approved.
They listen into their phone calls. They choose.
What they wear them.
Choose who they speak to they take
the car keys when they leave that morning so who
the person is it stays at home, can't go anywhere or they
Keep the money so tightly controlled that they don't have five dollars to put gas in the car to go, see their mother being
over controlling can be abusive. So ask yourself
You were the partner that dealing misery to you. Are you with a partner that somehow
is creating you constant tension. If you are, can you criticise your partner, for we are
pose. You could. But my question is not what's wrong with it. My question: what's wrong with you, why
You allow that. Well, I'm the one who spoke-
to have the answers? So let me answer that question, for you,
Why would you allow their well
you might allow it, because it's the devil. You know you ve, been a relationship and
at least you're, not alone, and it's scary out there right,
If this person is that way, they may be telling you nobody else would watch you, maybe they ve,
bug in your ear in your believing that- and maybe you ve told yourself, I stood
before God and made a covenant.
For better or worse. Word is doing the worse right now. So I made my mistake when I stood before God, my discovered it so I'm trapped
I'm not going to quit on God. So I'm going to stay here and let this person abused me, you need to read the rest of you Bible. If that's what you're telling yourself but here's, why you're doing it you're doing it, because you have lost touch with your core consciousness. You've lost
with what I call your core consciousness and that is that place within you.
Where you are in touch with your greatest strengths, your instincts, your values, your talents, your wisdom, swear. All of those things are found, its that place where you have an inner clarity and an unshaken
full confidence and those characteristics alone determine
quality life. I think about what I just said: your core consciousness.
What you know about yourself about yours,
thanks. You know what your qualities are. You know why you're a decent human being. You know what your instincts
are, you know the difference between right and wrong. Your values are clear. Your talents are well known. You have wisdom,
but you ve learned in your life and I'm not talking about book learning. I don't care if you ve got a Phd in M D Ba or suggest a graduated from the school of hard knocks EU have wisdom
when you are in touch with this core consciousness? There is an inner clarity and that unshakeable confidence you know
What is right, I believe,
If people know the truth when they hear it, including from themselves.
You know when you're being your own best friend, and you know when you are not in the most important relationship you will ever have
is the relationship you have with yourself
I said the subtitle to this series relation
chip reality check was how much firmer you to live with. You
as that from your partners. Point of view
You also need to ask it from your point of view how
such fun or you to live with. Just from your point of view,
see, I think every one of us is alive manager,
the client list of what your life
this desire. I'm alive,
manager and my client is fill.
I got one client, Nashville so
Oh my do it. I have to ask
so how am I doing?
Am I managing myself into a nice life,
that's more than money
do I enjoy my days? Are they too,
soon filled and anxiety, laced or
is there a joy in my life? Is there
site when in passion in my life,
have. I managed myself into a life that is full of joy, excitement, passion, purpose.
Or have I manage myself in the misery.
Have I manage myself into bleakness,
who is lay out God. I gotta get up and do this again wholly God.
I gotta listen to this again, I gotta guerrillas job again, I gotta put up with this health again, I'm out of shape on this on that issue.
I've managed myself into a miserable lifestyle.
If I had a life manager that did that, if they manage me into misery, I would want to fire them right, but you can,
fire yourself so
That means you gotta jack yourself up and be a better life manager, including what you're settling for when you're in touch with your core conscious
this? You don't saddle- and I want you-
the honest with yourself cause. I'm gonna be honest with you, the tree
it is not always easy to here, but it is always the truth
I not want to hear you may not like hearing it. It may be difficult, but
It is always the truth.
My partner Robin says there are not versions of the truth, there's just the truth. What
I'm asking you to do. First is
right away all of life's layers of distortion.
All the negative messages that you ve been accumulating. All the messages of doubt that you ve been accumulating
no matter what else you may have learned, if
continue to settle. If
continue to sell out. If you continue to self sabotage,
Then you will continue to create the results that you think you deserve and if what you expect
sitting in your relationships
either with yourself or with other people, is pain and guilt and confusion in anger. Then
you are not in touch with that core.
Consciousness that place.
Where you know who you are you
in touch with a power that depth of conviction where you have
drink to inspire others to create an relate
and realize that's what you do. You
create an relate this
happens at a very high level. It looked Norma
What else happens?
relationship reality check. If I
It's no relationship in your life, except the one you have with yourself
Then I had a home run because that will chair
every relationship that you have if I change the one that you have with yourself by giving you
back in touch with that core consciousness.
I want you to decide that you're,
going to make a decision and accept the
reality that you,
determine the quality that you live. You're, not a victim trust me
out, you can tell me your victim story and I'll take it apart, mine waste from Sunday. You are not a victim. You create your own reality.
That's life, while seven, you could
Eight, your own reality. You teach people how to reach it.
Those are just givens and you have to make
those party or mantra you cry,
it's your own reality any teach people how to treat you. How do you
Rachel reality. I said the world is reciprocal. There is reciprocity, you get
what you give. If you put out negativism, you get back negativism, you put out positive. You get back past
and I want you to make a decision right now that you are right
article four, the quality? You live,
you know you better than anybody else, and I want you to do something for me right now.
Close your eyes and do this might be done.
All right now, but I want you to
think back to the house,
it time in your life,
I don't know held your listen to this?
I'm assuming you're an adult twenty plus
We are thirty or forty. If you're
forty five, you live sixteen thousand four hundred and twenty five days,
and out of the sixteen thousand four and twenty five days I want you to think
to the happiest time in your life,
when you were a kid
Were you eight or nine or ten was
you went to college. Was
you got that first apartment on your own. My first job was it
First time you fell in love with
first time that you really felt like you were independent. Was it the first time
that you felt like you really
belonged somewhere that you were,
tempted by some group of people what was the hand
biggest time in your life. I want you to think back to the time if you needed to stop.
But for me to think about that. Do it
I want you to have happy
time in your life.
Few specific questions about it. So it can.
The air when I was younger no.
Happiest time. You're! Ok,
you got that in your mind, if you hit pause for a while, it's ok, we got telling you mine. When was it specifically when one
what about it made it
happiest time in your life. What was
you were younger, but did you feel acceptance? Did you feel powerful
did you feel success? Confidence?
the number one need an all. People is accepted, so I'm guessing at that time. You fail to accede.
Did he felt
but what else about it see yourself at that time?
what did you look like
What did you wear
The time that you were wearing shorts,
flip flops t, shirts and going to college or its view
because you were put non nice close going to work and you just purchased
first new car? What was that-
happiest time in your life and you ve got
able to describe why
that was the happiest time. What about it? Why that time, due to some other time high,
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cholesterol, to heart, dot, com and talk to your doctor,
about finding the right status? For you.
Who can now did you buy
unified that time.
Assuming that it's not right. Now the net
question is why
did it end
happiest time in your life was a time before now what changed
Did you lose something did
you change did so
But he do something to you,
Did you just get used to
where it lost its buzzard sizzle, something
up and based on results based on
Ellie there was a happiest time in your life in it,
at the beginning and an end. It was the face. Maybe it lasted a month. Maybe it lasted a year. Maybe it lasted two years, but what was
happiest time in your life and it's not now, which means it ended. What changed?
What about you changed
was taken away
what was lost, what is now different and what would you have to do
get back to that happiest time in your life because
Let me assure you alive,
very powerful reality. It will
Is it about the time it was
about you it was about
what you perceived about that time. See we don't respond to the reality.
Of the world we respond to what we say
The reality of the world
maybe you were twenty a new worm in me.
Can you had free expression and you were able to throw
of all the boundaries in guidelines. In this fully
express yourself completely em, you felt
about the new head success with that.
And so you felt like well, I'm really actualized here, I'm not
fighting for survival. I'm not worried about security, I'm not going
those motions? I'm instead?
actual eyes to the point that I am in this
of expression what happened, what change that
and I can tell you that what changed was you changed? What about you changed?
That is not necessarily a negative,
I mean, maybe you decided to take,
something new, but you
have to decide that was
I decided to go a different path,
And you have to decide when you
is to pursue something and you
pursuing it in a very singular way. Where it's your dream, your purpose, your journey, you
after decide hey if I'm gonna be alone,
I'm not a bad person. Do it with
and you can only say that if you're really
a good relationship with yourself.
If you really know things about yourself, where you say: hey, I'm good with me, I'm happy
if I need to be really,
working alone here, right now or whatever I like.
Ok and if I do,
What goes on my to do list
relationship with you has to be right, so ask yourself:
was the happiest time my life in what happened
Why is it not still that way?
and ask yourself, if you're, in an ongoing relationship. When was the happiest time in your relationship with, say it's your spouse, we're talking about.
When was the happiest time in a relationship and what about it?
made it the happiest time.
Was it when you were falling in love? Was it
Well, before you had, children was when you didn't, have a lot of responsibilities and bills in jail.
Just what was it? What made that?
happiest time in your relationship in what?
about your relationship? Changed
you're no longer in that phase, because with
of a very short list of realities.
There is very little in a relationship. You can't fix their arson what I called drop dead deal breakers. These are things that I care. What the sick
Sure circumstance around me as if these things exist there deal breakers
You need to get out and get out right now. You need to hit the eject button, get out and don't look back, and I bet you want to know what they are. You can guess
Number one is violence. If you're in a relationship and some one is attacking you, they are beating on you, they are choking you slapping you hitting you physically abusing you
you need to begin to formulate a safe exit plan and get out as quickly as you can safely do so.
And I'm saying as quickly as you can safely do so why
My saying that way, because over seventy four.
Of all murders and see
Serious injuries in violent relationships
her in the three weeks following win, that
person leaves their abuser, so you get someone
its abusing you, and so you leave
Next, three weeks are the most danger.
This times you have ever spent without abuser unusual wait a minute, I'm not with him anymore. I understand,
the next three weeks of the most dangerous time you will ever have a new relationship with that person. Why? Because abusers are controlling right, physically abusing people work and
and when you are not available for their control anymore. They panic it's what we call a frustration affect their control, their need for control, their panic, their insecurity ratchet up and they ratchet up with it, and so they get desperate and they do more deaths.
Things, that's why so you need a safe exit. Planning going to Mama's house is not yet.
They know where Mama live, and they will come
over there and in a desperate attempt to assert their control further. That's when people get seriously hurt or killed so drop dead, deal record number one. Violence make
safe exit plan and, by the way, a good place to find out what that is, is even go to win.
Georgia smile, DOT, org and
the wife Robin has the
buyer initiative there, which is devoted to victims of domestic violence, and there are the steps for forming a safe exit plan there. You can go to the national domestic violence Hotline and there we resources on both of those place.
That will give you the information you need to know. Second, if you ve got somebody that is abusing drugs or alcohol and they reef
used to get help there
Gotta go now the Holocaust
and they refuse to get help
you're no longer living with your husband or wife. Your partner
need to get out. They got out. They left you when they
predicted the drugs and alcohol you're no longer living within your living with a drug altered version of them.
So if they will not get help, you need to protect yourself and get out.
Not return until such a time as some independent professional tells you that they have
dealt with the issue and it is safe for you to return. Those are drop dead, deal breakers.
The third one is pathology, and by that I mean mental illness and our modest arguments Emma
Moody here about about somebody about somebody, this idiots of idiosyncratic or you. This think they don't think the way you
do so? Therefore, that's, not ok with you, I'm talking about some
This has a diagnosed mental illness. They cling.
Really do not have contact with reality, and they are.
Doing dangerous things and they
refuse to get help
continue to behave in ways that put you end or your children in harm's way? Now is what I'm
telling you to abandon your partner because they have a mental illness.
Absolutely not I'm telling you tube
tact yourself and your children. If you are living with some one that suffers from a mental illness and refuses
knowledge it and refuses to give help fort and refuses to take the steps to keep you safe. There are people that
our delusional or have paranoid schizophrenia or-
A that are so convinced that they are being persecuted, that they will take steps or evasive
steps that can put you in harm's way. They can drive a radically, they can be
The house, where catches on fire
the children can't get out if you ve got some one that is really out of touch with reality?
the end they refuse to get
help you must keep yourself in your children? Safe go to therapy with them, go see them in a trap of facility everyday. Do everything you can to support and stand by them, but not at the risk of your own health, safety and well being or that of your children. It's not abandoning someone to require them to get help
and if your relationship is in trouble, I want you to work on you. The statistics are
good for marital therapy. I'm just telling you two thirds of all people all couples get marital therapy
are worse or no better after one year. Sad fact.
Are worse or no better after one year. Is that because of therapist, don't know what they're doing? No? It's, because you typically don't listen. You typically don't do what they tell you to do.
You're really good, while you're, sick
turn the office.
Then you go home and it doesn't translate very well. That's why I say I'm not trying to fix a couple here trying to fix you we're starting with you. You can't control him or her, but you can control you. I said some of this truth you're not going to like and here's the truth you're not going to like, but it's a truth that can absolutely set you free
If you are in a bad relationship, you are in a bad relationship because you set it up that way, you're in a bad relationship, because you set it up that way. You designed programmed choreographed your life,
style such that there was absolutely no other possible outcome, then, for you
the generate and perpetuate a bad relationship. Now you don't need to hit replay, you dont need to back it up. You heard me right,
you are in a bad relationship because you set it up that way. You programmed it where there was no other possible outcome. You actually programme
you were dead in the water when you started, because you programmed it that way and I'll tell you why you cannot possibly
Have anything in your life that occurs on any kind of sustainable basis
that your lifestyle does not support that. Think about what I just said. You cannot have a bad relationship unless your lifestyles
trains it. You must have a lifestyle that is riddled with stress pressure, distractions paranoia chaos
self defeating internal dialogue. In order to have a
negative relationship and you're thinking. Well now, that's just not right. I don't believe you
Look, I'm not blaming you, I'm just telling you how it is, and let me give you an example that you can use in your own life. Think of a time period in your life.
Where your weight and your health eroded.
Think about your lifestyle. During that time, I promise you.
You were eating more exercising less and eating food.
That you knew
were low and nutritional value and high in fats and sugars.
And they were easily digestible. You see healthy foods have what
I call high response cost like think about eating raw broccoli.
Raw broccoli has a high response course right. It takes
eat Sakharov. Broccoli now think about.
When getting a bean burrito at a fast food place, you can
it like a wood chipper. You just put it up in your it's gone.
Ok, low response cost food, so you
pick a time in your life, where you
Put on way
out of shape. You don't feel is good
your lifestyle supported. You be
out of shape, overweight and not feeling is good. Now, let's go to a time in your life where you're, energetic
in your way to spot on, and your health is good. Your lab work is good, your energies, good,
promise you, your lifestyle, supported that and
If I want to know, I can fly
follow you around and predict where your headed
I can follow you around for a week and tell you you continue this lifestyle a month from now.
You going be: overweight outer shape, not feeling good low in energy or I can follow
around for a week where your exercising eating, with some discipline, paying attention to the nutritional value of the future.
And I can tell you a month from now you're gonna be feeling good, looking good, high energy and performing well, you have.
To have a lifestyle that is consistent. If I can start with the outcome and worked backwards and tell you what the last I was. If I see a bad relationship, I guarantee you, I can go back and say this is a lifestyle that is full of pressure. Chaos stress
poor, sleep, etc, etc. You set it up that way. There's no way could have bad relationship. You don't have a lifestyle to support supported. You think weeds grow out of thin air. No, they don't they
has to be something to support it. If a wage gonna grow, it has to have food, it has to have one
it has to have sunlight. Something has to support that we'd be in there.
I was in the Caribbean where a bunch of pigs live on this island, but somebody had
pig there? They didn't this one day a pig pop up out of the ground there had to be pigs there than people have
feed these pigs. They had the nerve to these pigs. There has to be an environmental support system, for those pigs to exist is like there has to be an environmental support system for your bad relationship to exist and has to be a bad relationship with you. So what does that tell you? It tells you that, if we're going to do this, if we're going to improve.
Your reciprocity with a world we're going to improve your interaction with the world as a social being we're going to improve your mare
if you were going to improve your romantic relationship, if we're going to improve your friendships, if we're going to improve
you, as a social being you ve, got to right,
your game, you have to
Choir more of yourself, you have to live with dignity. You have to have respect an emotional integrity. Unless you get right with you, you will never get right with anyone else, and sometimes that means just making life decision
to give you an example from my own life, if you ve known me over the last twenty years- and you know that my father was an alcoholic, a bad alcoholic, when I say bad alcoholic, I mean he drank too self destruction
he died at seventy two as a sign of.
orbit obesity and alcohol abuse
absolutely no question about it and because I had such a bad reaction to his drinking because I had such a
zipment of his drinking and away he treated my mother when he was drinking and every
It went along with being an animated alcoholic
he was not an alcoholic that we came back
tradition went off in a room and set thereby himself and got drunk and any sobered out. You saw him three days later. No,
It was loud he was boisterous, he was animated. Thought
was funny. He thought he was bullet proof he would come.
Crash. Cars, motorcycle, whatever you. This was a problem for me.
So we did not get along lots of conflict.
And we were business together for a while.
Because my mother wanted me to really bad and I
our time ever telling my mother, no because she was sweetest woman. I think I've ever met and he and I would but heads a lot and argue a lot and it would often get very animated and very heated and one day I just made a decision
I'm just not gonna. Do this anymore. Just absolutely not, and I made a life decision that you know what.
Is absolutely no point in us absolutely not
going to do this anymore. I refuse to invest the energy to argue with.
Man another day in my life and I M here to tell you from the day I made a decision
He and I never had another argument from that day until the day he died and after about three weeks
he came by my office, stuck his head in and said
you're, not gonna argue with me anymore or I
no, I'm not, and he stood there. A minute said: ok, gotcha
Inter Alia, back to his office
and we never had another argument. The rest
of his life, which was another for five years now I had lots of
opportunity, but I realized I don't have to react just because I can. I decided that I was going to live at a higher level and require more of myself. I did not like myself when I was engaged with him. That way, I was not living with dignity and self respect. I was not living with emotional integrity. It was not what I wanted to do, but I was doing it and I did not like it. I made a life decision and it changed my life. I want you to start making some life decisions about how you relate to the world, and I've got a few questions for you that I want to finish with here today, and these are questions that are going to be really essential to us being successful in this relationship. Rio,
the Czech and remember I've said eighty percent of all questions or statements in disguise, so you can hear these questions, but I am making a statement question. Are you willing to forget everything you think you know about relationships? Are you
going to forget everything. You think you know about relationships.
Are you willing to measure quality of your relate?
and ships based on results, not intention based on results.
Can you make the decision that
wanna be happy rather than right. Now, that's a big one. Can you make the decision that you want to be happy rather than real,
Because of your any relationship and you think you're right, maybe you thank you
partners all wrong. Maybe you think she's doing something.
Horrible, maybe they
is cheating on you may resent she spent too much money? Maybe you think she,
is the root of all evil and you spend.
The rest of your life as though
there's a bomb in the room
you get to the last day. Your life
bomb never went off,
are you gonna feel you spoke
all it time want to be right and he could spend all that
time be unhappy. Can you decide to be happy rather than right.
Can you decide to adopt a new strategy and just believe
that when you change you they will come along,
They will maybe they won't, but you will have made a change. Can you adopt a new strategy and let the chips fall where they will with the other person, and can you embrace the following formula, be: do
very simple formula, write it down where you can see it put it on your mirror. Put it in your car right it on your desk. Be do have be committed, do what it takes, have what you want be committed, do what it takes.
Have what you want or give you an assignment of source, because today is this Tuesday to day
on doktor fill. It is all
all about relationships and you talk about getting what you give this epoch
It is called liar liar, which sister is telling the truth
will audio your to it? You can hear below
based on what we have said so far to day. Watch that episode
these things in mind- and you ll see why this is so toxic.
Talking about a relationship between a mother
the sum that.
Romantic relationship that fail, went to bed
a broken heart and has been there for five
Talk about someone that cannot find their core consciousness. These two episodes
could not be better suited for what we're talking about here. If I had planned them in Advance- and I didn't
smart enough to say that I did, but I didn't it just so happens that
These too, are rock solid relationship shows that I would think you're gonna see very differently based on what we ve talked about so far. Now
What's coming up in the series is going to start talking about
all the things you can do to procure
relationship where you want. I said that you could inspire that you could create change by what
Is there going to be a lot of things for you to do to figure out why you're, where you are in your relationship and how
you really know about the partners- it you might be surprised,
you, don't know these persons as well, as you think, you'll see
that's on our next fill in the blanks which will be a week from today on Dr Phil
Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.