How well do you know your partner? And, does your partner know you? Dr. Phil continues his Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With? Series on his Phil in the Blanks podcast. Find out how Dr. Phil can predict if you’re going to get a divorce based on the Four Horsemen. Tune in to find out what they are. For more information and worksheets: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/ See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ro logic out the window because we're talking about relationships, the security
the well being of your partner is as significant to you as your own security and well being
one thing worse than being in a bad relationship is being in a bad relationship.
Lying to yourself about it. I may just ten big myths:
but I need a blow up here. So we
wind up with unrealistic expectations,
it's got to. You have found your way to storm
Number two of relation
chip reality check, which I have
titled how much fun or you live will now I've got a few questions for you. What, if I were to tell you that I could predict with ninety plus pursued,
right now whether you were going to get a divorce or would you
want to know that prediction? What if I told you that
You were labouring under some major misconceptions about what
relationships are all about
and whether or not you were doing the right thing to make yours work or not
Would you want to know the answer to those questions? Will if you do stick around because, like I said it's time for a relationship, reality check we're going to do just that in less than a minute.
we were talking. Last week I was going over. Some things are probably didn't sound relationship oriented because I was talking about you, the reason
talking about you, as you will recall, is I was saying the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one you
have with yourself because, let's face it, if you don't like you and you have to
rag yourself with you everywhere you go, then you're gonna show up with somebody. You dont like
Chatham Moody going to gonna, be here if you show up somewhere with somebody you'd alike, even if that
person, you and Europe
Do you twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, and so that can really get old. It can really irritate you. So the first thing that I said you needed to do is get right with yourself get on,
with yourself. If there are things you don't like about you as it we're gonna have to talk about changing those things. Remember, I said,
there. Life manager- and you have one client and you have to do a job evaluation-
if you do an evaluation of how you're doing as alive manager and if you manage yourself into a life of misery, depression, lowliness, poor health, financial ruin, constant stress
discord conflict, then you're doing a crappy job of being a life manager problem. Is you can't fire yourself? So that means you got a coach yourself out of it and stick with it. So I tried to bring your attention to that. So you could see
blaming other people and say: look, I'm the one is managing my life. So
not where I wanted to be a need to do a better job. I need to change what I'm doing from the
sighed out a need to stop blaming
people and realize I'm the one put me here. Nobody made me do this. I chose my partner. I chose my job. I chose my geography. I chose all of this and only
can change it. So that's why I started focusing on you now assume
meaning that you ve been thinking about that and I certainly hope you have. I want to start talks
to you about how that inner plays with the relationship.
You have in your life, and I want to talk about this- is though it's a marriage. This can be your significant
there maybe you're married, maybe you're, not maybe it's your best friend. Maybe it's your boss, maybe it some one else, but I want to talk about this as though it is your significant another. It is your spouse, your wife or your husband, but trust me everything that I say involves every significant relationship. You have
just going to pick one that most people are in, which is a Cim
I believe that they have invested their emotions in now, ended our broadcast last week by saying it's possible to predict the outcome of a marriage with
of a marriage, whether or not is going to divorce with great accuracy- and
I'm not just saying that, because I've got a really good eye for the site is TAT is unique ability to spot things. There is actually ban
fair amount of research done on this,
I some really good researchers. One of those is doctor. Gottman and Doktor Gottman has been researching this Ford DEC
aids and there's a marriage lab involve there's all kinds of observation of couples and Longitude
Of data has been collected too
term and whether or not the presence of certain characteristics predicted who was gonna get
divorce and who didn't or other characteristics predicted whether somebody was gonna get a divorce or they work an across time. It's really been narrowed down to certain traits and characteristics. It predict whether you're going to get a divorce or not, and I'm gonna tell you
what they are right now and then we're gonna talk about what to do about this
he's been derived from seven different studies that Doctor Gottman has done, and these studies included all different kinds of couples
we're divorce, those it remained together that were happy and those who remain together than were miserable and from these studies, Doktor Gottman found that couples
eventually get divorced tend to have conversations about conflict.
One or more of the following features, so
I want you to think about these ride him down there going to be on the website, but you need to ask yourself do
I have one or more of these following features in my communication pattern with my significant other, and if
you do, then I can tell you
that you likely to get a divorce and I can
Oh you, that was ninety four percent accuracy
think about what I just said. If you
who do one or more of the six things I'm getting ready to tell you research says: there's
better than nine out of ten chance: you're gonna wind up getting a divorce, and that means
the two things you either just
I'll go and get it now and save yourself. The trouble or you better chain
What you're doing so, what's number one
number one is couples that
and a wind up getting a divorce manage
conflicts with what is called a harsh set up.
What we're talking about here is there is an obvious sign from the get go.
From word, one that this conflict is not going to go well because it starts with sarcasm and other negative forms of communication, and that can be criticism,
or other expressions of contempt and when I say so
a chasm. It can be marking the other person mocking the way they taught mocking what they say. It can be. Your jes, like yours,.
Father O year. Just like your mother. How does
anybody ever respond to that many are attacking their parent. So if it begins with a very harsh set up where there's sarcasm, mocking
criticism, character assassination, where what
ever the issue or topic was that has been pushed to the side this here,
gotten personal and there is an attack on the individual's character worth and value
will that do that in arguments, wind divorce, ninety four options, time number two are the four horsemen and these are for forms of negative.
But that have been shown to be so devastating to a marriage that Doctor Gottman referred to these as the four horsemen of the
a collapse in these. Are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone
bowling and by the way they action.
Play occur in that order. It start out with criticism and then contempt for the other person which draws defensiveness,
from the other person, and then they wind up the stonewalling issues like the grass.
Your comes down and now you're just talk into a wall?
conversation dries up. I got nothing to say to you
They shut down mentally emotionally, physically and typically withdraw from the situation, so that
we're horsemen criticism: contempt, defensiveness in stonewalling in that order, so think about your conflict patterns, because this
Just at this happens. What's this
happen once in your relationship happens once a year, or occasionally that doesn't mean you're gonna get a divorce, but if these things occur in pattern, this is the pattern with which you
communicate and deal with conflict. That's when you can predict that they're going to lead to divorce. So ask yourself what your pattern of communication with your significant other. Do you go out it constructively? Do you problem solved?
together? What is your objective when you have a conflict or a disagreement
Some people have a disagreement
the argument over we're gonna do a or be and their objective when they enter the conflict is to win, and you probably thinking well, of course my objective is to weigh on what. Why else would I be in this argument? Well,
let's just unpack that for a minute. Let's say you can get into an argument with your significant other and let's assume that this person is your significant other, because you value them, you love them. You care about them. You nurture them. You wish them well.
But then you get into an argument and you
to win. Will its extend that out
if you're going to be a winner, what does
I mean they're going to be
there's a winner. There has to be what a loser do
you like to lose so do you think they like to lose
How do you feel when you lose? You feel down the press. Broken resigned,
for me. I think about winning a losing, because I grew up and athletic, send a mirror walking down the hallway in high school and we were gonna play the titan.
The signs on the wall would be crushed. The titans devastate the type
annihilate the titans,
The idea was viewed as one stop.
Into a motto you want him to get on that bus.
With their heads hang a day on their tails between their legs say a man. They crashed us
We ever want to come back here again
dominated us, that's because it was a competition and if, when you have a disagreement with your partner,
becomes a competition in there's, gonna be a winner in a loser, so I mean,
What are the banners in your head devastate? Debbie
how many Debbie Trails Debbie?
Is that really what you want to do? Is this a win, lose situation and in? Let me appeal to your greed
the company is a loser. You win
the argument, you dominate devil,
you have the rest of the evening stretched out ahead of you. What kind of compare
Is she gonna, be.
She going to be a lot of fun for the rest of the evening. She going to be real happy to be around you. I mean you just dumped her into a mud hole and she going to be like oa. Let me sit in your lap. I so trust you.
If my feelings and emotions, of course, not sugar,
what be around you and which he is she's. Gonna be defensive and shut down. She's gonna stonewall you before horsemen ISA. Well, then, what is an argument of Europe
don't try to win what, if instead of your goal, when you make it your goal to be heard, h e a r d heard? I want you to hear my point of view. I want you to ignore
Wage my point of view and in you do with it, as you will have, I will hear your point of view and in life
you do with it, as I will so the conclusion of this.
This agreement is gonna, be that we have heard each other heard eighty,
they are d, not H. U r t, I know
she's audio want to be clear the objective
is that we have heard each other. So if your objective is that you hear your part,
they hear you, then you retreat and across time a promise. You're gonna find
that if you truly love one another, you're gonna get out of the car
that's own and you're gonna. Try to find some middle ground where you can accommodate is much of what your partner wants is possibly can and new partners going with the comedy much of what you want as they possibly can
and that means both of you are moving towards the middle.
You got a narrow the gap of difference.
Whole lot more than you think you can and sometimes you'll, just seventy five percent of the compromise and your partner will do twenty five, maybe the next time your partner will do. Seventy five you'll do twenty five, but across time
you tend to find that middle ground, where you find ways to coexist exist, find ways to live together, whether its differences about parenting. About sir,
money about in laws, religion, sacks,
whatever it is. You tend to find a way where your sensitive to each other's position, but
You give each other a face, saving way out of the conflict you reflect on it and
the later were going to talk about how to fight fair rules of fighting fair, but before we actually get down to tactics. We have to first talk about the strategic approaches to this, so you can see why the first two things that predict divorce are the high set up, sarcasm, criticism, condemn and then the four horsemen criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The third of six predictors is called flooding, and this is a term that does
scribes the overwhelming and sudden nature a partners negativity can take, particularly in the form of them just blasting you, with both barrels with character assassination. All this contempt and criticism that they bring an defensiveness can have the same effect, but this is when everything just
off the rails, and it's just all out war at this point that there is no consideration for the feelings of the other person. Is
all out war at this point they
so negative that it's just get them
where they get me
gonna nail this person, and so the care
your assassination does takes over is the number one objective, never forest body language. Look when somebody is the target of flooding when they
under attack it again,
The attack is personal, its character assassination. It is really to devastate them, their heart rate
going to go up. I mean it's going to go over a hundred beats a minute is going to go as high as one hundred and sixty five beats a minute there. Blood
who's gonna shoot up, adrenaline is going to spike,
how to go into fight or flight mode. There's no problem solving now, there's no reasoning. They are in fight or flight. It's like okay, put them up. We're going to have a furball knock down, drag out here or I'm getting away from you. I'm out
God Fighter flight, it's one of our most basic reactions,
and that's what happens when you are attacked in character, assessed,
They should cut away. The fifth of six that predict divorce is failed reply,
attempts remember. I said this was a pattern and when
It's a pattern! I'm talking about this has to occur.
Overnight. Even defensiveness.
They don't feel the fate of a marriage
When criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, are they don't
feel the fate of a marriage in one bad night. There has
the pattern of this
and when there's a pattern it has to be followed
by failed repair attempts where the person makes half hearted attempts in sincere apologies
Is it really come in and repair the damage that has been done and failure to do so
Failure to really come in and acknowledge what took place in have bad an idea. That was
is a reliable sign divorces in your future, because
is the wounds never heel and you have these open wound
It's like your psychological skin has been burned.
So now he doesn't take much to offend the other person is just like you.
But pat him on the back in their like? Oh man, they react because their staff
hurting from the last time their character was attacked and assassinated, so failed repair. Attempts are a critical factor and then number six.
All you have to do is interview. The two
people in a relationship independently and find out if
they have a backlog of bad memories. Do they have a backlog of bad memories, because if what sticks out in their mind what they have
in their memory, bank is one painful experience after another. It blocks out the good times. It's the big boy,
the web and then the next big blow up in what happened at Christmas. In how things
bad on one of their birthdays and what happened on over the fourth of July and is negative negative, negative, negative negative if they have a backlog of bad memories, that is a strong predictor of divorce.
Look no couple is gonna have a success
only journey through their marriage to is doesn't happen. Everybody is going to have conflict
everybody's gonna have problems? It's never gonna, be success only but couples who have more good times
bad couples who have fallen memories- ten,
have a happy marriage because they release those good times, and you ve heard me say
a million times the best predictor of future. Be.
Favour is relevant pass behaviour. So if your history is positive,
your memory, your history in your mind, is positive. Then you predict a positive future
But if what you have in your head is a negative historical perspective, then you're going to predict a negative future and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So
the six things that predict whether you're gonna get a divorce or not all have to do with how you handle conflict and the presence
of one or more of these things predict what
you're gonna get a divorce with ninety four percent accuracy. They are a harsh set up. That's marked by criticism, sarcasm and contempt. The presence of the four horsemen criticism contempt
furtiveness and stonewalling. Flooding where you just do all out warfare and over
Well, the other person with criticism in contempt body language, where the person that is attacked goes into fight or flight mode and their biology just takes over and they shut down because they feel like the enemy is at the gates. V is the failed repair attempts where there is this pattern and it never gets healed and six are the bad memories that are left behind, that leave. That person feeling like yeah there's more of this coming, and I just can't take it anymore, so you need to do
an assessment on your marriage, your relationships and if any of those six are present in a pattern like way, then that goes on the top of eager to do list. Look, I believe
fifty percent of the solution to it.
The problem lies in defining it and when I ask a lot of people over the years, tell me this
It your marriage, they can give me
the debt that happen. They can tell me how they feel or the pain that they are experiencing, but they cannot articulate the state of their marriage
You can't tell me what the issues are that
undermining their marries. They can decide it hurts. I dont like
I am unhappy. We have a lot of conflict. We say: why is that? Well, we just did.
Why is that? What are the issues sometimes they'll? Give me
a few topics but no issues,
I can assure you
You fight about everything, you're fighting about nothing. You have
damage to each other? You have assassinated each other's character. Maybe you ve carried forward a generational legacy. You have learned what you ve lived. You grew up in a house that was combative so now you're just replicating lad in your own home. I don't know, but you need to know
so how's, your marriage and you talk about your pain. That doesn't tell me anything. I can't stop your pay,
can you buy don't know what's causing at fifty percent of the solution to any problem lies in defining it? What is it what's working in your marriage? What's not working in your married? What are the assets? What are the liabilities?
you also heard me say lifelong number, for you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. What do you need to fix? Not what your partner needs to fix? What do you need to fix?
my dad used to tell me when I was really in my late teens and early twenties, he's to tell me boy: you need to spend five percent, your time d
adding whether you ve got a good deal or a bad deal and ninety five.
Any your time deciding what you're gonna do about it and they,
was wise counsel, because sometimes it is what it is worlds not fair.
Stop ferry just is what it is, and so some people spend ninety five percent of their time, lamenting how unfair things are. I've never been so afflicted. Adieu spend five percent of my time,
This isn't there. This is right. I hate this. This really pisses me off, but that's about five percent of the time. Then I deal with reality and say: ok,
What am I gonna do about it? So maybe your marriage is hail.
Maybe your living in an emotionally baron relationship. Maybe it's not meeting your needs is not giving you what you want at all. Ok, what are you gonna do about it,
Maybe you marry the wrong person. Maybe your partner married the wrong person, but
That's where you are, and maybe
you got married and then had kids or maybe you had kids and then got married
you are where you are. What are you gonna do about it and there are things you can do about it. I want you to do so
for me. I'm gonna put this on the website because there's something I want you to fill out. It's called a personal concepts profile
and this has the stem of four
two sentences just the stem of forty two sentences, and I want you to complete these sentences. The important thing is that you are
brutally honest, because you can write down south volumes,
you go right down goody. Two shoes fluffy answers, because you want it to look good, but here's the deal,
this is for your eyes only nobody's going to see this. But you later, I'm not going to say: okay, now trade, these with your partner, don't know if this is just for you, but it's you
Orton that you write it down. It's not enough that you just
sure it in your mind, because I need you to remember what you wrote down first impression
did you to go back and look at it and I'm gonna.
Are you why, in a minute what you gonna have to write these down, I'm I'm gonna. Give you a few examples of the kind of sentences I want you to complete. I
then to deny blank
I am happy to swim? Blank.
I hate it when blank.
When I get angry, I blank.
If only I had blank
I worse, trade is blank. I feel
a phoney win Blake, I can't forgive blank
Give only by those are maybe ten or twelve examples out of forty two, but I want you to feel out of forty two and it's very important.
Those are maybe ten or twelve examples out of forty two, but I want you to feel out all forty two and it's very important that you write these.
Because it will give you a whole different perspective on how you look at things.
Because then I'm gonna, have you go back and look at your responses to force
week. Seven, sixteen seventeen two thousand four hundred and twenty five and thirty one, and that's going to tell you a lot about anger in your life.
And then I'm gonna, have you look at the answers to another subset of questions? It's gonna tell you a lot about fear in your life
and then another subset is going to tell you a lot about loneliness in your life. A fourth subset.
Going to tell you a lot about blame and forgiveness in your life and then a fifth sub said is going to tell you a lot about your dreams in your life and relationship
all that's gonna be on the website. So forty two.
Statements are gonna, be there and then this
key that says. Look at these specific answers to
yet some insight into anger fear
loneliness blame and forgiveness and your dreams. It's gonna tell you and awe
and then, while you're on the website, I want you to do a relationship health profile, and these are sixty two true false questions and you can go.
Through a very quickly- and I want you to go through them quickly. I don't want you to debate the answer. I want your first
items like I am.
Five with my sex life. My partner thing
some fun to be with her faults. I
out of control, true or false. I feel picked on and put them true or false. My partner respect me true or false. I feel judged and respected.
My partner, true or false, my partner, wants to hear my stories true or false in
my friends, relationships, true or false? I feel needed by my partner travels
Those are just a few examples. Then
I'm gonna, have you go back and care
The number of true responses you gave to even numbered questions and false responses. You gave to odd number questions.
And then there is a key and their that tells you what your score means and they're gonna be categories.
If your overall scores above thirty, two you are in extreme danger of failing, is between two
Thirty two, you have serious
We traveled relationship, you may be living and emotional divorce if Europe,
weighing twelve nineteen, your problem
about average, which is not great, certainly
its work and of your below eleven year well above the norm and probably only have isolated areas you can improve, so those
some areas that I'm gonna
what you'd look at in the beginning, so you can get some real insight to where you are because, as I said, I asked people how's your relationship. I gotta tell you where I we fight we fight about, but
We really don't know
you don't really able to answer it and theirs
the last thing I want you to do while you're there and it's pretty short, it's true or false.
There are only ten questions.
It is a relationship, chemistry test and
I'll, give you just a couple of questions to give you a flavour of it,
I am no longer physically attracted to my partner sex with
partner is energetic and satisfying at bay,
various times I resent my partner,
partner and I no longer kiss and careers. Those are all
true or false, there's gonna be ten of those and then
to tell you how to score it
what it means, so you can tell where
you are chemistry wise in your relationship has sizzle gone out. That's
she wants to know, so you can
put something on you to do list
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No, that's all on the website, but now I've got some tough questions for you.
And you're, probably thinking
well wait a minute. What are you going to ask him if he so far, you've been asking me if it's good, I still have sex with my partner. You've been asking me true, false questions about. Do I still care
my partner, Emily Finny sentences that are really hard to finish. And now you say you don't ask me five tough questions. Well here I am and laser essay
These are not yes or no questions, but here's the deal
be really candid with yourself here and
again, I'm gonna tell you later on. I'm not gonna, say: okay, now, trade journals with your partner no
way am I going to say that in fact we get through with it.
You may want to shred these. You may want to take these out
feel somewhere or go get a garbage cans aware it burn these, because this is where you can be completely candid with yourself, and I say that because they, as I said, you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. So we ve got it
it really really real and if you were listening to my living by design series and of
haven't. I highly recommended what whether things I said was concerned
among champions. Is they deal with the truth and the same thing is true here with relationships. There are just two things worse than being in a bad
I should one thing worse than being in a bad relationship is being in a bad relationship and lying to yourself,
You ve made it and you don't do a damn thing about it,
in a bad relationship is knowing about it and doing nothing about.
It you're not in denial. You know it. You ve,
edit it and you
or do a damn thing about it. I've said
for the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day and you
wanna, do any of these negative options. So that means we ve gotta, be honest and here's the first of the tough five questions.
Outlook. Love is, has probably been
deck applies on everything you get deck upon. John every t shirt
that? You can buy new love,
the Box of puppies love, is watching the sunset together. But let me give you a definition: it we can use for love for the purposes of our conversation in at least one definition
of Love, and you will see this on a t. Shirt causes too long. Is that the security?
and well. Being of your partner, is a significant to you as your own security and well being now what
Let me it means that you care more about your partner than you do about yourself.
Loving someone means you would push them out of the way of a bus and take the hit for yourself. You take a bullet for them. You would die for them. You care more about their safety and security. Nurture ants happiness, then,
you do about yourself. Ok, that's one definition. Then here's a question. Would you say based on results, you behave in a way that reflects that you in love with your partner, using that definition that you put their interests to have a euro. Their safety and security is important to you. Would you say that, based on results, not Europe
tensions, not your thoughts, but the way you have behaved. Would you say your behavior reflects the fact that you are in love with your partner, and why do you say yes or no cuz? I want you to write this down. Why would you say yes or no? What have you done that dimming,
bates that you love your partner based on our definition, or what have you fail to do that indicates that you're, not in love with your partner,
question number to using the same definition. Would you say
partner, is in love with you and why? What do you pin that answer on what have they done? That makes you believe that they are in fact in love with you, because they put your needs ahead of their own, but what if they fail to do, how have we been selfish? How have they pushed you aside and put themselves at the top of the priority list? So I'm asking you to give specific
apples. This is based on results with me just based on behaviour, not intention. Well, I meant to that. No, no, and I wonder what you did question number three, knowing what you now do about your relationship.
Would you still get involved with this person? If you had to do all over again think about where is it?
If you knew then
What you know now
your five years, maybe your ten years, maybe you're a year it. But if you knew, then
but you know now would you have taken the leap and this
exactly why I say you don't ever want. Let your partner read this because hopeful
It is going to change your answer. Maybe beat no hell. No.
I knew them what I now not a chance, but that doesn't mean we can't fixes. We can't change it, but
let me tell you of your partner reads that they never get over it. So
this is between you and me.
If you knew then what you know now, would you still get involved with the same person? If you had to do all over again, if you would do it again, why any
wouldn't duty and why based Pacific, you can do so
As you know, the answer's? No, why do you say that? Because he has proven to be
this or that or the other, because he does this. He treats me this way or that way now before, when comparing yourself to other people in relationships, do you feel that you ve been cheated or that you settle too?
cheap now understand your comparing your reality to their social mask
They don't call you and ask you to come over and sit in the bedroom when they're having a knock down, drag out you to see them at a party or at dinner or whatever. When I got there smile on your face, is it? Can I get you something honey? Would you like sit down? Honey
Maybe thirty minutes later it's like you know. I hope you die, but avenues
based on what you see do you think you ve been cheated or that you settle too cheap and again I ask that realizing your comparing apples and oranges, but I'm interested in your attitude whether you feel like you been cheated or settle too cheap
If so, why? What is it? You think you see and other people in other relationships that you didn't get again. You have to write this down and then the last question number five. If you could break off your relationship right now, if you could get a divorce from your partner right now without any inconvenience, no legal costs, no embarrassment, no undue hard.
Upon your children if you could disrupt wave a magic wand and undue at all, would you do it
Now this is different, but ass. You for what I ask you before.
Number three was: if you knew this
What you know now? Would you have done it? Then I'm asking you now today. If there was an exit ramp
that was pain free will,
do you turn on your signal and take their exit ram and if so, why? Any of the answer is no
I would not turn on my signal get over in the right lane and take that exit ramp is. The answer is no. Why? What is it you get from this relationship that would make you stay. It's very important that you answer with specific both ways.
Whether he would stay or whether you would go if you would go spell out why, if
would stay. What are you getting out of it? You need to acknowledge
you- need to write that down. So you understand it that way.
I'm going through all of this. I'm going through all of this, because I want you to be able to answer that question, because people can't articulate the state of their marriage, the state of their relationship
They can talk about the pain they can talk about what one has done or said, but they can't really give you a state of the union, the you
in being the union between the two of them. They can't really
do that and I want you to be able to do that, because if you can't do that, you do
where you are, it's like you're being lost in the dark,
you don't know where you are ok now.
I beg you to do a lot of soul, searching about you, a lot of questions and ask you to evaluate where you are now. Why is that? Because you can't figure out
what you need to do where you need to go. What levers you need to pool which steps you need to take if you dont know where you are like. I said so many times. If I answer the phone and somebody said
I doubt a random number,
tell me how to get to third an elm. What's my first question gonna be besides, why are you calling me
My first question is gonna, be where are you? Because if there too,
about third, and in my town, where ever my town is, I need to know where their starting cause the direction.
You're got to be a lot different. If I can El Paso, how then get
in bang remain. I mean it's gonna be a lot different because
The first turns going to be right if they're in El Paso, it might be left in there in Bangor Maine. So I got to know where you are, for I can tell you how to get where you're going you have
nowhere, you are before you
configure out how to get where you're going. You need to know. Are you in love
or are you not in love? Are you in
as the conflict are you
living in character assassination? Where are you
are you in a relationship that you would never get in if you had to do all over again? Are you in a relationship that you would buy alone? If you could just afford it? Are you in?
situation where you feel that you live with judgment in contempt every minute of every hour of every day, or are you in a relationship where you feel like yeah? You know we need a little brush up here. It's a big difference
going where you are in figuring out what you need
due to get where you want to go. So I
here, so we don't wind up with a realistic expectations. I'm gonna tell you why this is so important and I'm gonna go through five of them,
Because I wanted to know where we're beginning so we'll know where we're going. Ok now start, but where we're going, there are ten myths I may just ten.
Egg myths that I need a blow up here, so we
wind up with unrealistic expectations, and I'm gonna tell you
this is so important and then I'm gonna go through five of them. Then we'll do the other five next week,
Why? I'm talking about Miss, I love bustin, Miss by the way, but I'm talking about it.
Because it's not what happens in life. That upsets us,
whether or not our expectations are violated? Okay, if you get married
and you have, this
sit com view of what marriages and then what
you get is just an average typical marriage. You can feel
like, oh, my god, I've made a horrible mistake because
there's no sound track that kicks here. There's no laugh track that kicks in everything doesn't get resolved in thirty minutes and NEO alike.
We must be horrible. People
if you're in the infatuation phase- and you said oh we're so in love- all we need is each other. That's not true! You also need rent money. You got to pay the utilities you gotta both have jobs. You've got to figure out a division of labor. You got to figure out what you're going to do when his mother comes over. When her mother comes over, I mean it's completely different than the info.
Equation they. So if you go into this thing and we're gonna always be in love yet starts out like home, I got we know each other so well. We finish each other sentences
six months later. If you quit interrupted me, it's completely different. Everything
ages across time. So, if your expect,
Issues are violated, then you're going to cry fell.
In fact what you may have his fine, you just didn't expect the right thing so
I want to blow up some of the myth that people expect, because if you don't expect wrong things, then
it won't be so upset, and let me tell you throw logic out the window because we're talking about relationships and why
you talk about relationships, you're talkin, about emotions. When you talk about emotions, logic has no place,
emotion takes the place of logic.
Miss Number one. I love this one. A great relationship depends
A great meeting of the mines doesn't
sound lofty again,
Relationship depends on a great meeting of the mines it. This feels like yet we ve gotta be birds of a feather.
They should be more alike than different. The problem is its complete, crock you're not ever go.
To see things through your partners, eyes and if you ever have to stop being a hundred percent of who you are to be half of a couple. The price is too high. If you have to stop,
Being you to be half of us,
made a bad trade is now
gonna, be a meeting of the mind you're, going to see things differently minute
men women are gonna, be women and that's ok in therapist. It try to change that need therapy, because that's not the way
works since the industrial revolution. Most man can do jobs, it used to be stereotypically women. Women can do jobs that used to be stereotypically. Man, I totally get that
but emotionally we're. Why
you're done differently and here's the Good NEWS
dont want a wife that thinks and feels like. I do because trust me, I
do not want to be married to me under no
area under no circumstances do I want to be married to me. God help me.
I was married to me, somebody that thought like I did Prob
solve like? I did reacted like I did. That would be the most boring thing I can imagine
I'm married some one that is very different, very very different and that's a good thing. It's complimentary,
things that art natural for me or are
drove her. Things are natural for her or natural for me, and so that works out. You don't have to have a great meeting of the mines. It's not better or worse,
men are better because their one way or another women are better
because it one way or another, but there are individual differences you don't have to.
A great meeting of minds and because you and your partner don't see everything exactly the same white. That's ok! In fact. It's a good thing like I said I
do not want to be married to me. Miss number two
great relationship demands a great romance. Well, that's not true. Look these things happen in phases. Think about it. When you were first together, Leslie Infatuation
there's a big difference between falling in love and being in love. It is not
once better than the other, their different falling in love.
Phone right. You stay up to three o clock in the morning and you're talking on the phone for hours and everything is fine,
she knew in your infatuated and you get butterflies every time here. She walks in the room. That's the infatuation phase, the,
falling in love, phase the honeymoon phase, but that just can't last forever. It doesn't last forever. What happens? Is you transition to a more?
after all, love where you're at ease with each other at once not
better than the other trust me up and married forty. Three years we ve been together four forty seven years and where
very much in love! It's not that,
we're not in love, we're not
falling in love. We
fell in love almost fifty.
Years ago, but we
still in love
fifty years later, but its very different, we're very comfort
but with each other we love spending time together, we find
and each other interesting and fascinating in different ways and about the time I've got her finger.
Bout, I don't because she's my
decided and has different interest in that's what makes her so interesting, but there's a big difference. So if you think
the fizzles gone out of the skill it well. Maybe that's true, but what's been replaced where
there might have been sizzle in the skillet, but now there's a warm bun in the oven, and I don't mean that in the
see sword away. I mean it's just a different kind of warmth and connection in depth.
Of emotion that is shared between two people in a relationship. So there are phases,
and what about better than another there just different
you, may not want to stay up all night talking to your partner now, which you did ten years ago or fifteen years ago,.
Now you might get, the
same pleasure out of keeping each other's feet warm and getting a good night's sleep with your backs up against each other.
I can be very rewarding, it can be very comforting, can be very nurturing and
number. One need among all. People is acceptance belongings,
And feeling that, from your partner in a safe, secure, predictable way,
is meeting man's number one need what,
could be more rich than that if you do
great romance, is in population
and falling in love, no, you don't have to have that anybody, not in your relationship, foe,
on. What is in your relationship that you can count on your partner that that relationship is predictable, that its dependable doesn't mean it. You can't surprise each other doesn't mean that you can't
Do you have some mystery in find ways to keep things interesting. Of course you can, but.
Robin, and I've been married for forty three years and we have never spoken the DE word in our home, not ever so little Miss
these good, not about that. We may
the decision a long time ago that if we have a disagreement.
The relationship is not on the table. That is not the stakes for which we play
So we both know no matter what happens in this discussion,
no matter how mad, I guess,
but her how absurd I get or how upset she gets
It's all over with work will still be there for each other. That's just not the stakes for which we buy not now,
ever and knowing that is very important
so there's a lot of richness
it's from being in love, as opposed to falling in love. Miss number three. A great relationship requires great power.
Problem solving hardy har har har har, I have talked to so many marital therapist.
Which I was the worst. I've ever met by the way that may make you wanna hit, stop button and go to some miles. I didn't have the patience for Doktor Silly Merrill, therapist
What are you focus on? Well, we teach them how to recognize and solve problems really gets at workin for you now,
Don't you want to know why the same issues keep coming up generation after generation after generation after generation, big
as they never get solved
how many generations you think it goes back where one part of the couple,
here, the husband and wife thought the.
Other was too harsh with the kids and their partner thought
their partner was too easy with the kids. There is the
hard disciplinarian, and then there was the soft place to fall. How many generations think it goes back where kids thought divide and conquer they knew which one to go to. They know where to go to get a yes, they know
go to get by with something easy. Why do you
I think that has persisted back to the sixteen hundred
Seventeen hundred the eighteen hundred that may at why? Because it's never been solved. We
Don't solve these problems! Why do people have conflict about sex because we don't all have the same sex drive? At the same time, we
know how to deal with that
Why are mother in law a punch line because issue
is the other woman in the husbands life. She knew
in better than you do she knows what he likes better than you do. She knows how to make macaroni and cheese exactly the way he likes it
She's, the other women in his life
maybe should respect boundaries. Do you think you invented that you did not?
is going on in the sixteen hundreds when they saw coming up the trail on her donkey
What are we gonna do well to light around. She can see the
smoke coming out of the chimney. She knows we're here that was going on. Then it's going on now, because we don't solve certain problems, they're just inherent to the nature of merging two lives together and that's okay. What you have to do is just agree to disagree. You just have to say you know what I'm going to give you this one cuz. You gave me that one last month, I'm just going to roll with you on this one just have to learn to bend but not break you just
to learn to say I have to pick my battles, and this is one that can't be one. So I'm not gonna pick this battle now. Here's my favorite.
A great relationship requires common interests that bond you together for ever this one so good, I have to say it twice: a grey
relationship requires common interest.
Bond you together. I belong to.
Club where we play golf- and I see a guy-
in ship, so she's decided I've got to go play golf with him. I've seen women that are getting up at four o clock in the morning and going sitting
miserable. She so does not want to be there, but I promise you somebody has told them you
have to share common interest. You have to get interested in what the other person is interested in to have a great relationship, so she's decided I've got to go play golf with him. I've seen women
better getting up at four o clock in the morning and going sitting in a dutch lined with her husband, for
seem to death and I've talked to him ten times. Is it well jovial Thomas morning?
Oh, my god, I'd rather get a route canal.
Well, he loves it knew you. I want to be used and what he or she didn't know. You don't know you doubt. I tell you.
Sleep with my wife
it was my wife I watch
Television with my wife, I travel with my wife now
gotta go play tennis, whether to she does
I want to do what I do.
Can t you? She wants a break from me.
She has interested, I don't have it like.
Another married forty, three years, a promise you some of those have got to feel like dog years to her and I play
Dennis every day for
two three hours,
absolutely certain she treasures that time? Oh, my god he's gone
The last may. Are you gonna retire? Robert answers always
no he's not
because she doesn't want me here hear underfoot all the time. We don't have a lot of common it
other than living together together having kids together living.
In the same house? Together we travel together. We do everything together now I've gotta go. Do
these things that she's interested in or she's got to go. Do the the hobbies that I have and she doesn't want to go to the golf course with me. What you going to come watch me play tennis.
We played in doubles tournament.
One time it did not work out, we
only looked at it differently. She looked
come lottery elegant is competition. We ve looked at it differently. You don't have to share common interests with your spouse,
they go off and do things on your own great support them in doing that, encourage them to do that, but you don't have to do everything with your spouse. We love
time together and that's probably due in part, because we have time apart. Think about it. Do you love ice cream? What have you had it for breakfast lunch and dinner? Seven days a week for a year, my first job was at a pizza place and I worked there for a good while
then I got fired cuz. I kept forgetting to put the drinks on the ticket and it apparently was a really high profit item and after telling me about ten times, to sit all right. Sorry, you're, you're out of here, so I got fired, but I was thirteen and lied and said I was sixteen. So I guess my brain wasn't quite ready to put the drinks on the ticket, but after working at that pizza place, I couldn't eat pizza for like five years, because as soon as I smelled, it was like. Oh my god, I was so saturated with a spice
then ingredients that everything of Peter I couldn't do it again for five years and then all of a sudden it was ok to start eating it again, but I was so overwhelmed with it that I just lost my appetite
I don't want that to ever happen in a relationship you need brakes. You need time to loan to go. Do something go, do something with your friends go to something in your workshop. Go spend time in the garden or
at the library or doing whatever you want to do whatever your interest are you need
time alone. I promise you you need some time. Apart from your partner
That's the answer's. No, we don't have big arguments because we don't let him get big. We deal with things as they come up. We don't let it build up for thirty,
Peaceful one I list that is a myth, but I don't really know it's true because I don't think has ever happened.
There is no relationship that is entirely peaceful, your people
ask rather night. Do you guys have big argument
The answer is, no, we don't have
the arguments, because we don't let him get big. We deal with things as they come up. We don't let it build up.
Thirty days and then go nuclear. We deal
with it at the time, while it still of rush fire before it turns into a forest fire, but.
Or no peaceful relationships. You're married.
Two lives to individuals, their different and so
could get at each other's way to see things differently and you're. Gonna have conflict, and some of it
expectation is I'll. Never resolve this out is live with it will then that's. Ok, that's! Ok!
If you don't have the expectation that is going to be a success only journey, then you won't forget when it's not recognise there are gonna be rough.
You're gonna. Have some disagreements
wrong to talk to you about how to fight fair. When I say
right, I mean argue, disagree I dont physically, like instead to drop the deal breaker. So those are fine
the ten minutes that I want you to get clear in your mind.
There is no weaker sex
There is no superior way of thinking about these things.
To embrace the difference. We need to embrace the difference. I told you how you can predict the war.
You're doing those things you need to start with weird again the next
to tell you something
That can ebbs
the new of your relationship and it has to do with the first woman first format.
Think about that. Between now and one
I feel fine
Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.