In episode five of Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With? Dr. Phil explains how every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an insidious way. Take your own inventory! See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Do you keep score things your partner does? Do you make sure your partner never gets the upper hand? Well
really turned out to be a great catch. Didn't you and it's real easy to find if your somebody that you
is two words in your vocabulary. An awful lot guess what they are
Jesus Dr Phil. This is relationship reality check. Last week we were talking about sex yep, we got sexy. Last week we talked about fantasies, we talked about foreign, we talked about sex toys. We talked about all the kind of things that you just don't talk about in polite society. Still have you missed that one? You want to listen to it, because it can be very freeing if you give yourself permission to talk about those things, but now we're back to talk
real intimacy. What I'm going to ask you to do today is: do some serious self examination looking for something that reside within every one of us and it's what I call
oh you're, bad spirit, the bad spirit that resides within every one of us, it's there I'm going to help you find it and we're going looking and just forty seconds so bad spirit. What do I mean by
red sparrow. We talked about Miss right. You remember. We went through the myth, busting, which I said I love so much when we can blow up things that people have been labouring under for so long
That's one way you can really poison your relationship, but there are other ways you can do it and today I'm talking about one of the biggest
ways you can ruin a relationship, and that is when something I call your bad spirit takes over now. First off, let me tell you what brings out what I call your bad spirit in relationship. Every thing you do with somebody you care about is magnified. The gravity is increased
the power of those interactions. Take on so much more leverage to get you feeling one way or another. Then they do with somebody
you're not emotionally involved with some one you're not intimately involved with? Why? Because you care what this person thanks, if your partner criticise, is you of your partner? Rejects you? If your partner
not interested in you that matters a whole lot more than if the clerk down at the grocery store reject you right, you don't care so much what they think, because you don't have a lot invested in that person. You haven't told yourself. I need this person's acceptance is person's approval. You never stood in the line down to Piggly wiggly. It looked at the clerk and said you complete me. I mean that's what you hear in the movies, but that's not
You say in the grocery store line. That's what you say about the person that you have convinced yourself: you're gonna spend the rest of your life with, so when that person starts taking your inventory when that person find something wrong with you in that person starts getting critical when that person has issues that really matters to you, because you have so much invested in their acceptance and approval and they have so much invested in your acceptance and approval of them. So what are the character
six of the bad spirit. Well, a bad spirit is immature. Bad spirit has a low emotional aids. They dont function at a mature adult to adult level. They have an emotional age that is much younger teenage fourteen fifteen sixteen, and what does that mean
One thing I say about teenagers: is they want what they want when they want it and they want it right now, there's not much on delay. Gratification
we are all about immediate ratification. They want the things that they want right now. They don't want away, they don't wanna work, they don't want to defer. They want everything right now. The bad spirit can be selfish. You
Bad spirit can be very controlling, like my way or the highway there power seeking and then there are some other characteristics that I'm going to talk about with much greater specificity. Now it's not much fun to
the look at yourself along these lines, but it's like I have said before. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge and of your relationship. Isn't everything that you want? It to be,
then you ve gotta, be willing to take a look and ask yourself. What can I change about me to inspire something different relationship? I'm not asking you to figure out how to fix your
you're the reason I'm not is because you can't do that. You can't fix your partner. Only your partner can fix your partner, and only you can fix you so we'll talk about how you,
racked with your partner later on, but right now I want you to ask yourself if your bad spirit,
invading your relationship and making it impossible for your partner to feel free, safe, sponsor
Yes and uninhibited around you, the number one characteristic that your back
Spirit is gonna. Show in a relationship is being a score keeper.
Now. What do I mean by that look? I've talked about this before you don't want to be
competitive in your relationship, and I needed distinguishes for you.
People that arena relationship that is fun and spontaneous they often banter back and forth, they'll tease each other
he'll. Give her a little bit. She'll give him a little bit like this. Go back and forth with that, and it just seems like there.
The kind of stay sharp with each other, but there is a difference between teasing somebody.
And being mean spirited and when you're a score keeper. It's like everything is tit
tat? If I do, I you owe me be I'll.
These cringe. When I hear a couple say, I pick the kids up last night, so it's your turn to night. You went out to the gym last night, so tat my night. I get to do so that score keeping when you start
being score? That means there's gonna be a winner in a loser, and you have heard me talk about winners and losers before when I talked to
crush the lions keel. The other team smash the opponents. You don't want to do that because you're talking about the person, you love
don't want your partner to be a loser in competition with you, you want both of you to be winners. You wanna put every relationship, you have on a win win basis, not a win, lose basis, a win win basis, so when you get competitive and it gets into real competition between partners, because your score, keeping its really being tit for tat, that's bad news! That's your bad spirit! Taking over look true intimacy is not a game. True intimacy is marked by acceptance, selflessness, giving support, not entitlement, not what you owe me and when I see couples that are in this score, keeping tit for tat sort of thing. You know what I see. I see people
that don't want to accept a gift from their partner because they know with that gift comes obligation is like no. No! No. I don't want you to be ok with me going to the gym tonight, because I know that's gonna cost me. I don't want you being all understanding about me. Getting home
bite from work because I know that's going to be very expensive
because I know you're a score keeper and you're gonna hold that over my head for ever more so you seek couples that really competitive, really score,
verse where one or the other is afraid to accept a gift afraid to accept an accommodation from their partner
because they don't want the obligation, and I don't want to owe you no sir. I don't want to do it, don't want it this, no thank you because they know their surprise and they d
want to pay it, so they get really afraid for that to happen. In short, competitiveness
partners is an ill wind that can blow
to an otherwise healthy relationship. So you want to stay away from that, and I want to give you some things that you can really
think about the measure whether or not you are a score keeper number one. You tend to keep score of things. Your partner does
such as leisure time outings, with friend how many hours they put in with the children or chores that were completed if you're really keeping track of that year.
Adding a map and that's when I say they don't want to do all of these things because they don't wanna be obligated. Never to you make sure your partner never gets the upper hand and never gets by with a freebie. If they get to do something you get to do something they don't ever get a freebie, because a freebie would be out of balance. You wouldn't want that cause you're a score keeper.
Number three, you bank points which are held over your partners head for leverage dislike boy. I took her to her mothers this weekend. Boy did I build up some
Boy, it's really build some points up. She's gonna be now when I wanna go play poker Thursday night not come home till Friday.
Afternoon. She owes me so unhealthy, for you make concessions in an a go. She aiding fashion, rather than offering them up as a gift of support, so you make a concession, but is like ok I'll give you there s if you give me that they are go here, if you go there I'll do this. If you let me do that, look it's
K to define things. I'm not saying that you have to say yes to everything, because you don't want to define your relationship. I can remember
very early on in my relationship with Robin. We were
even married yet, but we were close and she called
one day on the phone, and she said: how will you take me to my sister's house and it was just across the state,
it's about an hour and a half drive, and I said yeah sure, and I hung up the phone and thought I don't want to do- that. I don't want to go up there. I don't know those people, I don't want to know those people I don't want to make a three hour run
to go, see some people that don't want to see me. They want to see her and you know what I called her back and said
You know what I don't really want to do this and there's no pointing me doing this now,
because I'm not gonna, do it later. So, if I do it,
I would be like Baden Switch is like this.
We get married I'll. Take you to your sisters. Has then we get married now say know I don't wanna go to uses as you got to say, you know what you did.
That when we were courting me, you did all that when we were debating this, is we get married? You don't want to go. I don't want that to happen. I want to tell you now,
want to drive you up to your sisters house and hear something else out.
Ever ask you got my sister's house either. Can we do agree that we won't do that to each other now if she needed a ride somewhere? Of course,
so I would take her to take her anywhere. Go the moon and back that wasn't the point. The point was going to her sisters house when
I know they were excited about me coming. I didn't even know.
May lead in really latest sordid within really well
time with me, they want to spend time with her they loved her. I would just be in the way and at first she said. Well, oh no. We think about that and then she thought about my sisters
Could you know what is a pretty good train right here and we laughed about it a million times, but it was really something about just being transparent. It wasn't a negotiation, it was just being honest and had she wanted me to take her, knowing how I felt if it was that important to her, I would have taken her
because of always gotta rule. If I don't want to do something and auto scale of one to ten, I don't want to do it at a too
And she wants to do it at an eight like you know not doing it's not really that big a deal to me. I just kind of don't want to do it and she really want
I think, an aid always at ways to
and she's very much the same way your sheep,
may not want to go right
on the golf course of me on a Sunday afternoon, but she Canada,
want to go over to an
am I really wanted to go at a level eight, because I want to show where the new lay out
Dublin I think she would really like and enjoy. Then she also yeah sure yeah I'll go.
Always just try to read my partner and be honest with myself. So it's not a matter of tit for tat. It's just a matter of trying to read each other and deciding what's important to each other at a given time. Number five you seldom if ever
Do something in supporting your partner without making sure here she knows it, including a detailed explanation of the imposition it created for you, where you make sure I did
But you need to understand how much I gave up to do this. You need to understand how hard it was for me how much I skip to do this. The prices paid to give you
she you want in the only reason you would want to make sure that they knew. That is because you were going to exact something in return and again, that's because your keeping score. So you need all of the points on your side. The ledger: you can get number six in any type of dispute or confrontation with your partner. You actively seek outside allies in the form of family and friends in an effort to shift the balance of power, and you always know this is happening when instead of saying here's how I feel sometime in that conversation, you like with your mother, agrees with me. Your brother agrees with me all of our friends say the same thing: ok, now you got a team, your call an end, the Swat team.
Here, because you want to win so bad, so you've got to get reinforcements. There's two things that drive me crazy and it's somebody that does reference selling you reference selling. Is it sunset
Knox on your door, say hi
I'm here to sell you, this vacuum, sweeper man, I'm here because Missus Jenkins on the corner and MRS else down the street, they told
They d come see you because they love it. That's reference selling their selling you by reference to people that you trust and that's what's happening when a score keeper starts naming other people. Your mother agrees with me
your dad sees it exactly the same way. The kids are all on my side. I think that is such unfair fighting. The other thing that drive me crazy.
Is when somebody is always quoting someone there always quoting some author there, always quoting some Voltaire says.
So in such a do you not having a regional thought? Do you just have to quote something you read this morning in the paper? Can you not speak for yourself? You know, Plato said the chinese proverb is ill scripture says a come on. You not have an original thought. Do not have enough confident your new self to stand on your own two feet. You ve got to cite some higher authority in every conversation,
You have on your own thinking, drives me crazy, so now you're not bringing in family you're, bringing in world class philosophers ancient thinkers to get the upper hand and love-
asked, but certainly, not least in our save this one. For the end you inside
stop having the last word or doing
the final act of defiance. You just can't leave it alone. You just can't you gotta, have the last word me alike as your keeping score and if they get in the last punch,
then you're behind, so you ve, gotta, get in the last shot you gotta get in the last word. Dont feel the need to have the last word
leave it alone, you're, not keeping score an your goal in a disagreement like I said before, should not be to win. It should be that you have been listened to. You have been heard eighty, a r d, not h, you aren t, you have been heard and just leave it at that
So the first characteristic of a bad spirit is ask yourself: you do an examination of your relationship. Are you a score keeper and the best way to find it is used, though southern I'm gonna put those seven on the website, so you can look at him and ask yourself: do I do those things? Do you keep score things your partner does? Do you make sure your partner never gets the upper hand?
do you bank points, so you can catch him in later you make concessions,
Oh, she aiding way instead of just giving a give no strings attached. Do you seldom do things in support of your partner?
without making sure they know how much it costs you to do it and in any type of dispute, do you
seek outside allies? So you can fill up the bleachers on your side and I always try to get the last word. If those things describe you, then you're bad spirit is expressing itself by making you a score keeper. Don't do that? Second characteristic of the bad spirit, is your fault finder you just ten to look for the negative, no matter!
what's going on and its real easy to find. If your somebody that uses two words in your vocabulary, an awful lot guess what they are, should and must will you should do
should come here and do this. Well, you should do it that way. Well, you d must do this. You must do that
Where were you should come here and do this? Well, you should do it that way. While you too must do this, you must do that. You know that!
really are very many should and must in this life. Yes, should bring
every so often you must have food and water to exist.
There. Just aren't a lot of and must, but we certainly make a lot of em up and if we think where the repository
We of all knowledge and everything revolves around us. Then we speak out a lot of should and must end where awfully quick to take some ones negative inventory.
Why cause there's our way in the wrong way? We're controlling
you think. Ok, we know how to do this, so you should do it the way. I know it should be done even if you're right
maybe you're right. Maybe you do know how to do it, but there's a lot of different ways to get something done
maybe you're a linear thinker, you go a b c d and maybe somebody
she's, not a linear thinker. Maybe they look at it lay callously a f b c gc ill. They,
everything all at one time in it all comes together at the
and it doesn't make sense to you, but it does to them. I have said before Robin and I can walk into the same building and come out and describe it to the same person, and you would have no idea that we walked into the same building. I would come out and say: yeah, it's a really good building got a good solid foundation is built on twelve in centres. Got good solid beams, I think the roof a solid. It's got good bones. I think it's a good building and she would come out and say I love the light in this building. It's got really high ceilings. It's got wide open spaces
see how we could do a lot of things with this. I love the outside elevation is got great, curb appeal. You could listen to two of us and have no idea what we were in the same building or not. We looked at it the same, but we saw it two different filters was I right? Yes, everything I said was accurate. Was she right? Yes, everything she said was accurate. It's just a man
the filter through which we looked at it. There's no right way to see it. It isn't she
he would see it the way. I see it that I must see it the way she saw it and if you
fault, finder, you're, going to pick up things that violate your expectation of how things should be done or how problems my
be solved and if you're really controlling you're gonna take a sick pleasure in studying some one else is negative inventory you gonna get used to making criticisms. Let me tell you something about criticisms. If you are a fault, finder you're, a bottomless pit, because there is nothing your partner can do. That's ever gonna be good enough for you. They can do eight out of ten things perfectly right and you will focus on the two things they did not get them
instead of saying how we were gonna, try and get ten things down today and you knocked ADA them off the list. Great job he'll say: well, you didn't get those two done.
You have deflating, that is for somebody that always looks at the negative. You will never focus
your comment on your partners, beautiful, dress, her suit. Instead, you'll say you get scuff on your shoe so living with, he is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. They can never do enough here, the type that will say to your partner,
We had a great day together, except for when you did so, and so you have no idea how sick to death your partner can get of your constant criticism, even if you think I'm not describing you, you need to take a brutally honest look at yourself here. This is an attitude that can quickly overtake you there's something I want to tell you about the psychology of hearing things and being open. If you give somebody a constructive criticism, let me really you're not trying to be
Negative you're really trying to help them get a better result in their life, but its criticism, you see how they truly could sail through life easier. They truly could get their work done more efficiently. They truly could get less resistance from the key
adds further teenagers if they would get out their own way a little bit, and so you genuinely or coming from a good place your genuinely coming from
and you genuinely want to help and you offered in that Spirit most times it will be taken that way, and you might have a second constructive criticism. They might even ask for anything else. You thank God, help me and
they might take that. But research has shown us. That too is pretty much the limit, because if you
Put defensiveness on the why axis and number of criticisms on the x axis so along the x axis?
that goes horizontally. You go out to one defensiveness doesn't go up very much. You gotta too,.
It doesn't go up very much, but you get the three four five and six. Your graph now looks like a hockey stick,
because it goes right through the roof you passed,
they're, like I'd, that's enough,
I've heard. All I wanna hear. So there
Error slammed shut like ok. Now, word is kick my ass now word is taken
Inventory, and who are you to be telling
we all this stuff, I'm not trying to be.
Mr Raw here, where
I'm telling you that the answer to wife is it you think positively all the time, because this is not true, but
are too many of us can fall into criticized
as in blaming and disparaging others, and it does not help the situation because they either get discouraged or defensive, and you want people to be inspired
waste said to parents. It takes a thousand atta boys to erase one year
rotten kid: you're, no good, you're, stupid year worthless. When you are. We thank him off who says that to their kids here
I've done. Three thousand episodes follow me around for seventeen years and asked me that question it happened. So much
your stomach turn. It takes a third
add a boys and I'll say that to parents and they'll say well look
he's either certain the cat on fire or he's right now on the wall or he's tear up something I mean come on. How do I support that? I don't care if you have to hide in the bushes to catch him, doing something right use stock him use
Walker until you catch him doing something right, and then you jump out of the bushes and give him a big hug and say all thank you for being such a good boy. Thank you for being such a good girl. You don't reward bad behavior, but you catch them doing something right and may
it's that you catch them sitting still for a minute. Maybe it's that you catch them watching. So
Hang on tv, your reading, something off of an Ipad for a second, you just catch them in just those few seconds of not being destructive, and you did.
Pants on him and love em up and say. Thank you for being such a good boy. You want to inspire people when you don't do it by criticism. You do it by findings.
Thing they did well and they want to. Please
Do they want to go find something else they can do. I.
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So how do you know
whether or not you're fault finder. Well, like I said before, I gave you a few check ins that you can do with yourself number one
seldom, if ever let it infraction by your partner dislike by regardless of how trivial it is just ass yourself.
Do you seldom if ever to let some slide.
Yeah, maybe they screwed, maybe they said something wrong. Maybe they stepped on your bank toes hurt your feelings
certainly said they weren't gonna. Do these seldom various, let that slide by because you can. You know.
You don't have to respond or react every time you can. You dont have to it's your choice. You can just let it go. Do you find yourself saying things to you.
Partner that have should and must in the sentence
You used the words all ways and never when criticising your partner. You always do this. You never help
Always ignore me.
When you use these absolutes,
always and never that's very disheartening to your partner neck
you turned the complaint about how you're not getting what you deserve. That life is unfair to you, and this is an attitude that you quickly transferred
partner as if he or she is in charge there to blame it's the old joke about somebody meant to say. Would you pass
host and it came out, you ruined my life, you rotten human being, that's how they hear it. You think,
Life is going well and you blame, whose handy there a perfect target. You transfer that to your partner. Do you counter attack
with criticism. Whenever you're being criticized, your partner, for example, tell
hey, you forgot to take out the trash last night and instead of hearing the message,
competitive attitude and critical spirit kicks in and you counter or attack.
I can't believe you have the nerve to say that you never do what you're supposed to want to do that and, lastly,
our Lee interested in getting your partner to admit to wrong doing rather
listening to what they have to say. Your fault find your, so you need them to admit fault if you're controlled by this bad spirit and think your critical protectionism is making your partner a better person. You need to think again because it does it. It just simply doesn't make them a better person, it d flights them. I grew up in sports
and I had coaches that would grab me by the face mask and pull me up there and say son. You can do better. I know you can't I've seen you do it. I know you can do it and by believed him he believed in me. So I believed in me, and I've had coaches grab that site
face, mask and say you are legal laziest excuse for a human being. I've ever seen. I don't know why you're daddy, fed you wealth that doesn't exactly
inspire me to want to go out and do better than you would ask that second coach, why you would say that I'm just trying to motivating.
Trying to make you want to do, but it what you got a funny way of doing it. Cuz. That does not enhance your self esteem. It does not make you feel better about yourself. You do
I believe the people that are coaching, you believe in you and it's
Dixon your internal dialogue. You are not going to criticise
then put somebody down and they're gonna feel challenged in.
Suddenly become a better person. I learned that in sports you don't have to be his
the learning English. Let me tell you, as I have experienced it and I can attest to it characteristic, three of the bad spirit.
Obvious you think it's your way or the highway I mean come on. This is so obvious. I don't know
to spend much time on it. Your objective is not just to dominate.
To manage your partner with condescension and intimidation, but to stake out the moral high ground you seek to set up a hierarchy of pecking order. You
in charge here the smartest person in the room, Urien Control, you
I gotta run this whole thing and if it fails.
You'll blame them even though you're the one in charge you're the one run in it, but when it fails, you will blame them because they didn't listen. You have talked
so many people would have this attitude their way or the highway head, my question of them is always if you're so smart
why is this off in the ditch you're
This married, you got all the answers. You are given all the criticisms of you're, so smart
why are you sitting in my office in marital therapy, with your wife contemplating different ways to get away from you?
you're so smart. Why is this not working you're in control you're in charge, while she just won't? Listen what I don't know. You're, the smart one. You should be smart enough to get her to listen right, you're in control, you're the dominant force, so dominant forces are able
get people to do what they want to do. Well, she just while it was so you're not in control, then why don't you shut up since is evident that what you're doing is it working? What
to practice on shutting up, let somebody else talk so your objectives in this situation. If
you are people who think it's your while highway. You control the money. You control the time you control every aspect.
Gonna, be lonely,
only because people are
get away from you as fast as they can
you say it's my way or the highway they're gonna Jews, the highway trust me they will drive, walk hitchhike, run. Rod
but ever they'll choose the highway every time before that,
listen to your dogmatic ass for sure they will get away from you.
How do you know of your this person will never one year intolerant of your partners, initiatives or ideas they? I gotta, be you you don't listen to them that the
our they gather thought an idea. Nope nope no number to ask yourself these days,
regularly interrupt your partner, doing conversations so that you can
and what you want to say instead of patiently allowing your part
finish. There thought, because why? What
Time listening to them, you're the one with all the answers use Mars version in robes. Why would you waste time listening them, then we're three you
change the game on those few occasions when you realise that your partner is actually making a good point, so you might say to your partner, for instance. Well, you don't have to use that tone of voice there, making a good point.
So you got to get out of the situation, so they're not actually edifying themselves. Instead of solving a problem say I don't like your tone of voice. What they were saying made sense
you, gotta pick on the way there saying you change the game now before you cannot in confrontation
until your partner acknowledges that you're right number five, if your partner won't admit the rightness of your position, you ten to talk or act like a martyr,
making sure your partner understands that Judas don't feel appreciated. Well,.
No matter what I do, it's not enough you
don't get it you just don't get it. I try. I work is fish.
I got us can't do it now. So I just can't please you:
regularly assume a saintly pious position with friends,
family telling them all you have to put up with
concerning Urim possible partner and my favorite, you tend to start sentences with guilt, inducing phrases like if you loved me,
if you cared for me- or I told you so you should have listened, that's your bad spirit at its next to ugliest. It's not quite the ugliest, but it's next to ugliest. So I said that was the next to ugly is characteristic of.
Bad character? So, what's the ugliest? It's when you turn into an attack dog now this characteristic is so easy to trigger
so hard to undo Hemi time.
If you start out discussing an issue, this you start out was to have a conversation
and you end up, ripping into your partner with a personal attack. You think you're gonna stay in control.
We're gonna have a discussion here, but very soon.
You suddenly bail out on the topic is goes by the wayside. Whatever
you were talking about it. Just gets pushed to the site
and gives way to personal attacks carried
The assassination you might have been talking about money, shopping parenting planning for summer, either matter what the topic
but very early on that gets pushed away in
you start undermining the confidence and self worth your partner, you git vicious, and when
This is this gets out a hand, and it does this cherries partner this person,
You supposedly love is beaten down. It's a verbal whipping. Sometimes it goes beyond their some
it becomes physical violence. Sometimes it gets even worse than that, but usually it's just a verbal beat down. The message is clear: I want to hurt you, they know it. You know it sometimes is blatant and recognisable and make no.
Stake, you'll know what buttons to push if you're going to go on the attack. You'll know what buttons to push you know what they're sensitive about. You know what hurts them.
Maybe your husband had a fire,
that was domineering and overbearing, maybe the violent, and you can start out talking about plant.
For finding answers, but early on its year, just like your father now you know
That is the last person in the world. He wants to be like you,
you that yourself get to him, and so you
so selfish. Are you ever going to quit being so self absorbed and ignoring your children, ignoring your wife or ignoring your husband? The message is clear: the damage is done and believe you me. That is a hard bell to unring. How do you know of your fallen into this? I think it's pretty clear, but I'll go.
The message is clear: the damage is done and believe you me that is a hard,
or to unring. How do you
Oh you're, followed into this. I think it's pretty clear, but I'll give you some checkpoints just to be sure number one.
Your interactions are marked, at least by very harsh tone of voice, and often by in your face shouting
To your interactions are marked by such body, language is a curl,
upper lip pointing fingers in the face or that Clint Eastwood Killer stare or
exaggerated raided marking. I roles you comments are laden with condescension such as
well, you really turned out to be a great catch. Didn't you or your comments, are full of insults and name calling from bitch and bastard too fat and ugly mean it's just pure out character assassination. Your comments are filled with you. Statements such as you make me sick. You disgust me, you are stupid,
who are worthless and, as said you push those buttons in vulnerable areas and, lastly, as opposed to an active over commission, you with holes,
can your partner that which you know they want and need to have peace in your life. And all of this is because you
seek to manage them with intimidation, both physical, mental and emotion, you're, just trying to overwhelm them over bear them. It's management by intimidation in that never works, but there's a flip side to this in your face, there's a part of the bad spirit that, instead of you turning into an attack dog,
You turn into a passive warmonger you've all heard about Passiveaggressive passees aggressive p,
are those that will sabotage you. They try to make things hard. Passiveaggressive, like you, don't want it.
Do the dishes so just break a few like here. Just give me that
Don't get somebody dishes just gimme that this go on. You passiveaggressive, you don't say it wanted.
But you just do such a bad job that you get out of it. Passiveaggressive people
Just don't understand you have passiveaggressive Percinet work. They don't want you to have gotten the supervisor position.
So when you are trying to explain a new system or programme, they just don't get it. I'm sorry
confusing? May I just don't get it I'm sorry after I've tried, I don't get it so they'll make you spent.
Two and a half hours explaining somebody.
Taken twenty minutes. Then Abbas comes Railways is will have you,
they all these things are now. I'm still do in this, too.
Half hours and you're still doing this issue dated twenty minutes will lay passive aggressively got you because
They sabotaged you all along in the asking all try that. Thank you for your patience. So here is some tale.
EL signs as to whether or not you
the admittedly not are passive warmonger. After listening to your partner makers,
Yes, do you agree with the suggestion and then
two minutes later start talking about why it will fail rather than how it could succeed. You agree with it to their face, but then, before it even gets started, you start finding fault and talking about how it's going to come apart, like I just said about the person,
you find confusion when your partner explains even simple rationales for
aging, something in your relationship that you happened alike. He fain ineptness over activities that you just don't like with its painting. The room were watching the kids. Are there when the dishes Utah
vague and subjectively defined illnesses to come up with competing events to interfere with plans made.
Your partner that you'd like so they put something
Heather that they want to do, and you didn't just when it is time to do it. All I gotta get is horrible stomach work, you know admit it. You know
look? I don't wanna go like that at all.
I want to go to your sisters, others tell you now I don't want to go.
Go be bad till we now we're going out now, instead of our past,
warmonger when it came down to go. I couldn't you said. Oh my gosh. I've got terrible stomach bug and just sabotage the trip and the one that drives me. The most crazy drives any therapist. Crazy is the yeah, but
We call on the outlet patients, no matter what you say they listen ago, yeah, but what about this year? But what about this? They can commence a well. You have got his teenage certain. They cussing commie names all the time, so you can sit down with a child in Yugoslavia.
It's not very becoming to you, and I know you're better than that. So let's make a commitment that, instead of name calling in instead,
of cursing you're gonna require more of yourself and we're not gonna. Do that anymore, let's roll
some ways that we're gonna handle those frustrations instead
Ro play that then they'll
for a week and do a great job and come back to next week and say what happens. It will didn't call a single day,
didn't curse. A single time so how I feel about that mom yeah, but
You know how long ago last well,
no, but it lasted a week if you had been able to get past the sing
day for the last three years. If we just got a week, that's progress in it, yeah
You just don't know her. Maybe you get a kid that is this not do in their school work.
The flagging out of school, and you can get him to say. Listen, you can
get more out of your parents by doing this school work than you could ever see,
you'll buy sneak out the window. Try
to go around the edges, so I'm gonna appeal to your greed here, you're really smart list is turning
homework its forty percent higher grade. You know you can do the test, and so then they come back,
so well. They went from cease to Ays yeah, but they're just do it to manipulate me. Well, what do you care? They learned the stuff
what do the semester with straight a's, under only duty, to make you happy yeah, but that's not
Bill thirst for knowledge would kill me now. That's the passiveaggressive warmonger ask yourself: are you a year?
but partner, and if you are
for oil boy
got a really really ask yourself: what's the pay off now, there are other characteristics I could go on with this forever, but those are the key elements of the bad.
Fear it some of the others you just will not, for
no matter what you're a bottomless pit,
doesn't matter what they do. You never
satisfied you get so
comfortable and a relationship that your dis lazy, you don't put anything into it or
the worst. One of all you is given up you bad spirit is expressed,
Well, you ve been given a meal, is an aerial change has given up. I've checked out, have just put member time. I'm warning you to take your own inventory.
I want you to say I am I contaminating the situation of spending so much time on
because I believe that we either contribute to fortune
emanate every relationship wherein there is no neutrality. There is no middle ground,
you enter into a relationship based on Europe
history and what ever you bring with you, what ever choices you make? You either contribute to the health of their relationship or,
contaminate the health of that relationship and if your bad sphere,
is in control than you are.
Terminating that relationship? If all you have
Do is stop doing those you partner that if the way
You just have to stop letting your bad spirit control and if you do nothing, but that
we're going to see a substantial improvement in your relationship. To think about this, you rid yourself of the myth that we talked about week before last for the two weeks before the last week, and you rid yourself of these bad spirits.
Choose to behave differently. Do you not think just those things
No longer labouring under those meals, ridding yourself, this bad spirit are going to make a substantial difference in health, pleasure, joy and satisfied
Have you relationship whether your partner does
the answer is yes, we'll talk more about this. I've Doktor Phil
Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.