Reclaim Your Core: ‘Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With?’ Episode 6: “It’s time to make a substantial difference in the health, pleasure, joy and satisfaction in your relationship – whether your partner does anything or not,” says Dr. Phil in episode 6 of his Phil in the Blanks podcast series “Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With?” “If you’ve been listening to my latest series, Relationship Reality Check, we’ve worked hard to get rid of the myths and “bad spirits” in your relationships. Now, it’s time to choose to behave differently,” Dr. Phil says. Find out how to reclaim your core in episode 6 and how you can get through Thanksgiving with a smile on your face! See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Forgiveness is not the feeling is a choice: they try to visit their frustrations in a safe way. Instead of dealing with the real issue, dont weapon eyes, your pain, don't get caught in a trap, shut. Your interactions, constantly focus on superficial and trivial topics. Ask yourself what are you hiding from? But if you give up on your relationship
really giving up on you. It's not build a villain blind in the middle of a relationship. Reality check
I've said titled how much fun or you live with think about a question how much fun are you live with life? Not all
it's about you open it up and funds not always about laughing and playing games and being on vacation. When I say fun,
Let them also mean help peaceful. Are you to be women,
easy for you to be around how safe,
someone feel around you emotionally. So what I'm talking about? How much fun are you to live with? I mean mentally emotionally, physically, just in every possible way. How much fun are you live with last time we were talking about what I called your bad spirit.
That part of you that gets in the way of somebody feeling all of those things I just described is a few more sides of this bad spirit that I want to talk about, and then I'm going to change the subject to something
we're time, we're gonna get all that less than a minute.
you remember last time we were talking about the different dimensions of what I call the bed.
Bear it because remember. I said I don't care what relationship we're talking about romantic relationship, friend, relationship, work, relationship, family relationship, whatever relationship you inner you either contribute to or contaminate that relationship
When you might contribute to one get up and walk into the next room and contaminate that one so you're not always or control
you're, always a contaminated. Its situation, specific I've said than done a focus on your significant other relationship here as our working example. But I want
you to be able to generalise these conversations. These exchange,
we're having to all
of, if your relationships and not just your romantic or significant other relationships joining
review what I talked about in terms of the elements of the bad sphere, the sheer number one, if you're a score keeper. That's really hurtful to your relationship with your somebody. That is tit for tat, your somebody that says. Ok, if I got thirty minutes of free time, then you're gonna want thirty minutes a free time. So, if I got some time off from the kids, then you're gonna want time off from the kids
that's a score deeper number, two you're, a fault, finder you're, one of those people that looks for the negatives and some one else and you use a lotta- should
Marston always endeavours not going to repeat everything. You can go back and listen to the last episode number three
you think it's your way or the highway, your rigid you're a right fighter. You got all the answers, so why would anybody consider anything else number for you turn into an attack dog anytime. Someone wants to disagree with you. There going to be hell to pay cuz you're going to chew them up.
Live number five Europe passive warmonger. If you're an attack dog they can it be
to your Growlin and see you come in, but of Europe.
Steve, warmonger, that's like the passiveaggressive per
Now that you're gonna get him, but you're gonna sneak up on him. You're gonna be insidious, you're gonna sabotage, but you don't have the guts to face them straight up and that's a whole different ballgame. Now the next, when I want to talk about, might be one of the most important things we talk
during this whole series, even though it doesn't seem like it at first and it's what I call you resort to smoke and mirrors
What do I mean by that? I use the term smoke and mirrors kind of ingest, because that's what magicians do right they
Miss Direct, your attention with smoke and mirrors. They get you to look over here, while they're doing something over there. They misdirect would give a puff of smoke and behind the smoke they do something that they don't want you to see its all about misdirect
If you're bad spirit is running your relationship, then
there's some one that is subject to misdirecting your partners, attention misdirecting your PA
here's understanding about. What's going on in a relationship and I'll, tell you how you know if you do this or not ask yourself this question: do you talk about topics rather than issues in your relationship and answer that question? Realistically, you have to understand the difference between a topic in an issue, most people. If they have a disagreement, they disagree about topics.
They disagree about topics. Topics are things at pop up. Every day, now a husband can come home and come in and these irritated who left the tricycle in the driveway. Ok, you can talk about that. That's the topic.
What would be the issue that makes him irritable about who left the tries haglund driveway? Instead, it is simply putting the car park getting out moving. The tropical maybe he's got
chip on his shoulder. Maybe he's resentful because he
as an issue with a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship. So why would he talk about the topic of
try cynical and not the real issue of the lack of sexual intimacy. Well, I can tell you because the tri sickle is safe. He has nothing at stake when he's talking about to try signal if he wins,
argument great if he loses out argument, so what he didn't have much invested in
one way or the other, so he just gets the vet his frustrations. On the other hand,.
If he goes to you and says.
I am really hurt by the fact that you seem to no longer be attracted to me. You don't find me
sexually relevant. You have
the desire to be intimate with me.
You say: yeah! That's right! Really, don't sorry,
used to down any more wow that can read
may be hurtful now, there's a lot at stake, and sometimes people just don't have the courage to.
Deal with the true underlying issues, so they nibble at the edges. They try to attack their partner. They try to get even they try to vent their frustrations in a safe.
Way instead of dealing with the real issue? So they'll choose a safe topic, but they never get any real resolution because the issue never gets addressed.
So here's how to know if you're dealing soup
officially any relationship instead of dealing at the issue level. One is you just keep coming back to the same problem
You have your problem is the lack of intimacy. Is your problem is that she seems to be to focus
on her mother and father instead of you, if the
issue is she seems to want to spend more time with the children? Then she does with you, but
It just doesn't ever seemed change. Well, maybe it's because you ve never really dealt with it straight on and expressed your concerns. So if the issue just keeps popping up
over and over and over again in your mind and heart and doesn't
resolved in a relationship it maybe because you'd never really dealt with it.
Nibbled around the edges, but you ve, never really gotten the courage to say, look straight up. Here's the issue show your interactions, constantly focus on superficial and trivial topics. Ask yourself: what are you hiding from what are you afraid to give a voice
You have your interactions, begin to approach the real issue, but then they get disrupted by anger or abrupt changes of subsidy.
Are you decide, never mind and walk off? That's what we call approach avoidance conflict. You have this feeling of approaching you your drawn to you approach it, but the closer you get a feeling of avoidance kicks in its called approach. Avoidance, conflict,
You wanna talk about it, but the closer you get to doing it. This deeper. That he'll gets its like your wife
up a hill.
And when you're a mile away. It is barely uphill
when you're half a mile away a little steeper when Europe
away. It's like you're, almost going vertical because the closer you
at the harder it is to get right to it. Until you dislike
back down that he'll, because you just can't make yourself do it. S called the approach avoidance conflict
the closer you get, the steeper that Helios decline. If you find yourself talking passionately about the problems of
their people that mere? What is really bothering you? But your partner says you know the way you're talking about that seems to me like you. Take that off awfully personally,
you really concerned about that happening in their relationship or you concerned about
happening in our relationship and if you bail
oh, no, no, no! No I'm talking about them. That approach avoidance kindly
Kicked in and you don't have the guts to deal with it, that's got like going to a psychiatrist or psychologist and saying it. Can you answer a question for me about my friend my friend is depressed. My friend is anxious
I friend has a problem because you don't want to admit that it's you
by the way. We never believe you when you say that we always immediately assume, as you
so even if you are asking for a friend, we don't believe you if you tend to top passionately about a problem that another couple is having. But you deny that its relevant to you, then that smoke and mirrors you get very defensive of your partner, ass, you straight
Is there something else bothering you you're arguing about me leaving the Triassic Island driveway, but
it seems to me, like you're, really upset about that to a level that is disproportionate to the transgression, so
Is it really the tropical oars or somethin else, and you get really defensive chances? Are you running from the issue.
So you have to ask yourself, because you are done
and the issue in favour. The topic you cheating both yourself and your partner. You cheating yourself, because fifty percent of the solution to any problem lies in defining it.
Getting it on the table in dealing with it in your cheating, your partner, because they don't have a chance to help you with the issue. They don't have a chance to say. Well, ok, I didn't know that was a problem, but now that I do I can I can do something about it.
Or they might say, yeah I get that that's the problem. Let me tell you why you say Europe's
because I don't seem like I want to be intimate with you, you are quite right. I don't. Let me tell you why. Maybe it's because you smell like a goat, you don't come to bed in an attractive.
Why take a shower? Or maybe it's because you can't be rude
we all day long and then, when you flip the lights off all of a sudden I'm supposed to.
Belt in your arms, I can't make that switch. When you flip the lights.
So if you want me to be cozy and bad, then you better be cosy during the day buddy.
You can't ever habit honest conversation if you duck the issues
no the number one fear is rejection
Yeah, there are some issues there there's some scary things there, which you gotta be willing to take the chance. What do you got to lose? Your answer is well everything myself, a state
Myself image, I relationship my ego
What are you gonna lose if you never deal with it, you gonna continue to live in fantasy land and feel rejected
the way at least my way you have a chance of solving it. You have at least eight a possibility of getting past the issue. Your way, you have no chance of getting past it. The next characteristic of the bad spirit is they just simply will not forgive they just will not forgive, and let me tell you there is power and forgiveness, and there is a huge misunderstanding when it comes to forgiveness,.
Given. This is not the feeling. It is a choice. Forgiveness is not something that just one day will wash over you when you finally have hurt long enough been angry long enough suffered long enough.
And God will annoy you with forgiveness, and you will all of a sudden feel better. Forgiveness is a choice, and if your partner has.
Transgressed against you in some way, and you have made it a life sentence. Then Europe
Terminating that relationship you might
as well hit the jack button for one or both of you, because you are on the titanic. It's going down, look partnerships or ships and ships go down and you're gonna knock a hole in your worse. If you carry anger, bitterness hatred towards your partner about something they ve done. If you cannot forgive them, if you will not forgive them, if that's the truth, if that's the reality, then you need to set yourself free and move on. You need to set them free and move on, and I hope that's not the choice that you make because you do have the power to forgive, and there is power in forgiveness. I said that this is one of the most misunderstood concepts that I've run across inhuman functioning
Let me tell you what I mean by that people have the misapprehension that, if someone transgressors against them or some loved one- and they forgive them that somehow or another that says ok, I have accepted this. I've said that was ok. I've said that I was angry at him for a year, so they served a year in the crosshairs of my anger, bitterness and resentment. So the penalty for that from me was one year. You did what you did.
You paid the price for a year, and I just can't do that because what they did was more than one year they to pay more than that. It was worse than that and if
forgive them at the end of a year than I'm. Let them off with us is not right.
What you're doing is letting yourself off forgiveness is a choice, and I hear
Forgiven people in my life that never knew I forgave them
they never knew that. I consider the fact that they transgressed against me. I have forgiven people that had not one clue.
That they had done anything that I considered an offence, and you say well, what's the point, why for
of them? If they don't even know it, because it's not about them, I didn't forgive them for them. I didn't give them the gift of forgiveness. I gave myself the gift
forgiveness, because I know as long as I have anger and bitterness and hatred in my heart towards another,
Then I am locked in a bond with that person for evermore. They control me, I'm locked up in a bond with them. Anger is a very pervasive. Emotion is kind of like a skunk am recording this podcast from my home today.
The podcast studio and I'm down in one into the house. In my study and the
Genes on the far into the house, a skunk spray
in the kitchen right now. I guarantee you, you would smell it in every room of this house. Why? Because it is such a pervasive.
Odor. It just permeates everything. It would be in every case
week centimeter of air in this house almost instantaneously. It would contaminate every breath. Anyone took in this house. That's how
is. If you have anger in your heart, it permeates every emotion. You have every relationship, you have every inner action, you have it
sort of significant amount of your emotional energy. If you have anger and bitterness toward your mother, brother, sister friend, spouse,.
Then I promise you. Your children do not get one hundred percent of their parent. Maybe they,
eighty percent seventy percent sixty percent, they get some fraction of their parents because a fraction of it is invested in hatred, anger and bitterness toward
this person that you believe his transgressed against you and your child
is paying the price for it because you are.
So consumed by it. It changes who you are. It doesn't just affect you when you're with that person. Do you just
I think I would smell that skunk. When I went in the kitchen. Do you I would smell,
and then I would smell it in
three hall. I would smell it in the bed rooms. I would smell it everywhere. It wouldn't be. When I was in the kitchen, it would affect me everywhere. Just like anger, bitterness and hatred would affect you in every
relationship just the way the scalp would affect me in every room in the house. It affects you. It changes who you are. As I said, I've had people that have transgressed against me.
But we should, in my opinion it doesnt matter with its real or imagined if you believe they have, and you have resentment towards them.
Then that's an emotional skunk and its
Brian in your life, and it's going to affect you until you get rid of it. I forgave those people form.
Not for them. I don't care where they know what a while ago, I forgave them. So I could be set free.
As sets a mom, never even knew that I forgave him it s not necessary. It was necessary that I knew Africa them and, like I said it's a choice, it is a conscious choice to say I forgive this purse
and I have to tell myself that doesn't mean what they did was: okay, what they did might have been horrendous terrible horrible mean ugly to face back stabbing
And me for giving them does mean that that behaviour is ok. I can forgive them
it doesn't mean I will forget. I may never forget,
what they did. I will learn a lesson from it and I may never deal with that person again, but I can forgive them because
I am not willing to let them dominate my life. You need to make
as to those people in your life that you feel have transgressed against. You were those you love.
Who is on your list that you are angry at have resentment for hatred, for because carrying a grudge,
is like letting somebody live in your brain rent free. Thus,
ok, you! Let them live in your head, rent free, don't let them occupy a space in your brain, get it out of their get it out of their set yourself free. If you need to pay a price, let God do that judgment? Does not your job! Your job is not to judge them if they broken along what the law deal with them. Just because you forgive them doesn't mean they are not accountable to the walls of man and they're, not
face judgment in the eyes of God. But that's not your job and here are some really easy ways to determine whether or not this infiltrate your life. This is I've said you are consumed with anger and if it's at your partner, that means you are hair trigger the late there's something that I've done, that you are resentful of you're angry about, and so you are hair triggered mean anything they do you just blow up in explode. If you find yourself
so bitter that you take a pessimistic view of life in general. It usually because you are wounded, and you have not forgiven those that hurt you. If you can,
see the world as a hurtful place. You just very pessimistic. You see the world as is hurtful place overall, then you probably have stacked up resentment hatred. If your body feels physically unbalanced, we call that heralds stasis. You sleep, disturbance, nightmares, poor concentration, fatigue, severe headaches back spasms, any kind of ongoing chronic physical symptom. You dearly need ask yourself.
Am I carrying bitterness and hatred in my life if you can't read a book or watched a television show or movie without finding something in it that reminds you of your resentment every time you want something.
Oh yeah there I see that you heard. That is like
psychological skin has been burned and anybody that even comes up and patch you on the back creates paid. You see it
mind rabbit in everything you read. Watch here do something brings you back to that. Then you are consumed. That's what you have to watch for, if you tend to interpret statements and actions,
partner burst in a negative way, a critical way. Why? Because you have a chip on your shoulder, give you ten.
Well, I'm not for giving them, because they just don't seem like they care. They don't seem like their sorry. They dont need to be sorry for you to forgive them. They may.
Never be sorry, they may be such a not head, they don't get what they did. They dont get the gravity of how they hurt you. They dont need to get it for you to forgive them, because it's not about them. It's about. You
If you tell yourself, you're, not gonna, forgive them yet, because they have paid enough. They have begun with peanuts. They haven't grovelled enough, you just keep yourself locked up, not them, and if you don't forgive because you want to use guilt as a hammer as a lever to beat them over the head with a new
want to give up that weapon. The new held onto that bitterness way too long. It started to become a weapon for you, don't wear
Niger Pain, don't use. It is guilt, Induction Ribeiro
take it ok, dark. How do I forgive it's? A conscious choice,
You wake up every day, and you say if you're religious
believe in a higher power, and I believe there is a higher power. I choose to call it God, there's a higher power in your life and you gotta get up and say, give me the strength to forgive this person today I choose to excess,
my will- and I forgive this person today at his Turnus over to the higher power they're gonna have to deal with that. Not me ass for me
a moving on the latest gutter with you, so that an important bad spirit don't get caught in a trap,
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is two elements of a bad spirit to round out my top ten I'm going to kind of talk about together in that is you've either gotten too comfortable or you just given up you'll. Sometimes we just get comfortable in our relationships and we just kind of quit working on her.
Member told you way back. I think it was in the first episode this. We did.
Relationship is like a garden. You just go out in the middle of a field. New taken
call. When you chop all the weeds back and you kind of scrape up the ground there and get you a pretty good little patch of dirt and you plant, some vegetables are and you water it, and you tend that garden. It can really flourish, but you're going to have to tend that you're going to have to keep the weeds back you're going to have to keep watering it. If you neglected and you come back and you haven't watered it or we did it for a month or
you won't be able to find it. It'll just be swallowed back up into the landscape. Builders be swallowed back up into the hillside, Saint
will your relationship you carved this out special and if you dont continue to ten
it won't be special anymore I'll, just be another party or life, so don't get too comfortable, and if you ve given up, if you can best yourself, there is none
I can do to change this relationship. What's yours
really saying is there's nothing. I can do to change me because, that's all you can
for change any relationship. Is you if you give up on our relationship? You are giving up on you, because I have said from the beginning that you are the
we person in this relationship, you can influence the only person in this relationship. You can change. You can inspire your partner
flew they'll want to follow you to a happy or place better mood, the better vibe,
better way of being in this world. Would have you
up on your relationship, you're really giving up on. You shall have you
surrendered to the reality of just going through the motions of a bad or mediocre relationship you ve, given up on yourself. If you say what's the use,
it's never gonna change. You need to take it
therein pudding an eye. What's the use
we'll, never change. There is no yet there's only. I.
Have you no longer even bother to protest if your attacked or abused by your partner?
You ve given up on you. If you think it's pointless to try to change,
change, because it will only make the other party get angry than you ve, given up on you look, there's just no place to give up.
Shall remember, I said in every relationship. You either contribute to it by what you bring with you the thoughts believe history and
Things that you bring with you when you walk into that relationship. Those things are
the positive and they contribute to the relationship or their negative, and you contaminate that relationship. So the question is: are you a contributor
or are you a contaminate her? Do you have a positive outlook, a positive entered
Are you living in the here and now or are you
ragging, the past. In to your relationship, things that have happened in the past. Let me
are you if you live your life. Looking over your shoulder than your path? Becomes your future don't go through life,
Looking over your shoulder, your past then becomes your future because that's all you ever look at their cows,
what we have to say, I'm hit the reset button. I'm starting override here, not telling you to forget
if you're in a relationship of somebody they cheat on four times in the last year. Forgive them but don't be stupid. The best predictor of future behaviour
drill bit past, because you've been cheated on you four times this year, they're probably going to cheat on you four times or more next year, get out hit the
fix, go away, forgive them! So you don't spend rest, your life being bitter about it, but that doesn't mean you gotta be stupid. Get out! I'm not saying you forget what they did have a thing. You pretend they didn't do it of this and forgive
I'm so you don't spend your life locked up in a bitterness and hatred with them
That doesn't mean you have to say all: that's, not what I'm sayin it all. You can forgive them without accepting what they do so answer the question in each relationship you evaluate
Are you a contributor, or are you a contaminated in the only way you can do? That is, if you do a relationship autopsy ask yourself: where is it
relationship onawandah tune? We want our relationships to be ten right. If it's a to unite, need figure.
Eight reasons is not a tan and of some of those are yours, you're kidding yourself it made
because they lie cheat betray me through
you got five more. You need to be on that list or things you're doing cuz, you have to be accountable. All relationships are mutually to fight. I just want you to be ready, a bad spirit.
Adele there, so we can start defining our relationships going forward in a healthy way, because that's where we're headed in the future is how to have a healthy relationship and enjoy it. I want to take a break from the serious here for just a minute and talk about something else,
it's Tuesday when I'm recording this or when you're getting your first chance to listen to it, and thank you for doing that by the way. So it's two days before Thanksgiving,
a lot of the relationships. We have, of course, are our family relationships
are extended family relationships and dry,
nowadays we tend to get together with family members and spend time together have a big
you saw a lotta relationships come together at Thanksgiving in because we're talking about relationship reality check. I wanted to give you some thoughts about how to manage Thanksgiving, because I think we need to manage our expectations about the holiday sometimes takes him
pressure off of ourselves. Some want to give you a little advice. It you didn't ask for about the holidays number one. I think it's really important to manage your expectations about the holiday
because sometimes we get a little story eyed and we get really high, expect
issues about how wonderful everything's gonna be in set ourselves up for disappointment. You sometimes we get the situations where
reality can never live up to the expectations or we have selected memories of how good
everything was, and we think of Chris,
since pastor thanksgivings past, and we selectively pick out those good moments, we forget about uncle Bob getting drunk,
the of the Christmas tree here and Edna burning the Turkey, the kids runnin.
Through the house, make it so much noise you wanted to get up run out the back door. My dad always said
The days were a time where people that didn't know
that. Will that well a long way to spend too much time in two smallest base? You tell he was a bit of a cynic about the holidays, the actually enjoy them. But let's talk about the expectation,
for a minute, if you're in a situation where you ve always driven eighty
in twenty hours with the kids in the back of the car to get somewhere
really crowded, and your will
people that maybe you know once in your life. But you really don't know
that well anymore, you don't have that much in common with many more. Is it a sacrilege to ask yourself if that's it
reasonable expectation to put on yourself if money is,
tight this year and gas,
prices are really through the roof and it's gonna cost you three hundred dollars to make this round trip out of pocket
not to mention the wear and tear on your car tyres in, and oil and indirect costs it you don't actually see. Are you making yourself do something that you really don't want to do
Are you pudding stress and pressure on yourself that you really don't want now, look I'm all about,
family togetherness? I really am. I love for family to be together
the holidays if it makes sense, but we are in an age of technology and if guilt is made,
Can you do this? Ask yourself
honestly, do I really need to do this? Is it in my best interests in the best interest of my family, because in the age of two
analogy your youth face time those people and laughin Talkin joke about
football game and have a good visit do that again,
What time is maybe during the weekend or whatever, and is that as good as being there absolutely not no question about it, it's better to be there and feel those hugs and
in time together and visit, and all that, but you do have to realistic.
Ask yourself. Is this in:
I families best interests right now or is it in my family's best interest? Ratan
to actually have a family thanksgiving words this the two kids
Sir, you me and my daughter sign. If I'm a single mom you maybe we need
create a special ritual or tradition here just with us and not feel guilty about. It not feel like we're,
horrible thunder daughter, because we don't put our kids in the back seat of the car and drive eighteen hours to get somewhere. We can't afford to be don't really want to do and create tremendous
s and pressure and have to be back to work on Monday,
I'm just saying ask yourself if it's real
in you and your family's best interest if the expectations are unreasonable and if they're not
if everybody's in town and close by and is what you want to do great, I'm thrilled for you do that and enjoy it often ass people, distant
even entertain the question. Do I do this or do
because it's just assumed. Of course you do it thanks giving you have to
well now you doubt, then maybe you can
them over the summer or at another time and use technology based time. As I said, something like that.
This war and raise that. Tell you that
make your horrible person. If you make the decision it financially, it doesn't make sense and lifestyle wise. It doesn't make sense right now,
may your horrible sundered daughter and her uncle whatever in guilt and dishes they'll get over. Now, let's move to
the next phase and say whether their local or you do make the trip or whatever and you get there. Every family has issues you, probably
of issues with somebody in your family. Some frustration. Some problem make a decision before you go that you have the right to pick your battles and your battlefields and you have the right to pick when you're gonna fight those battles.
Remember we talked about that and just make a decision that Thanksgiving around
dinner table or in the kitchen, when everybody
He's together, maybe for the one time a year that biggest together Festus, not the battle field that you want to fight on resolved
where you go, that, yes, there are.
Issues here, we're just simply not gonna solve them at Thanksgiving. We can argue,
On the phone later or I can contact
person, individually or whatever, but thanksgiving is just not for problem solving. I hate to be cliche, but thanksgiving is forgiving thanks. You don't have to use this time to clear up all the recent
let's problems and agendas there. Why am I bring this up and bringing it up? Because I think you need to make some
decisions going in and one of em needs to be that it is simply not going to talk about politics and you're, not gonna talk about existing problems. If you
side that you're not gonna, talk about politics. Then people may be upset with you.
As they want to visit and talk about politics and if they do just excuse yourself,
to say, all great y'all are going to talk about politics, I'm going to take the kids out back and swing, or I'm going to walk the dog to Cleveland Anyting
but you're going to have a more peaceful time and you can have less conflict. If you make
that decision going you. So if you do go and you decide about going to solve problems about them, talk politics. So what are you gonna do? Well, there's something
called reflexive biting. Let me by analogy talk about animal psychology for a minute, then you probably think in my God, where to go and now well in Adam
psychology. We have a lot of things that we really learned about human functioning because we ve
It is of animals and then set it up to see this holds for humans and it does and one of them
things we've learned is what we call reflex you buy anywhere. You can take docile animals like white mice and put two of them in a good size cage and they either ignore each other or they play or whatever and they're just fine. You can put three or four in there same thing.
Thirty or forty in there? And you know what happens they start by
can each other they start fighting each other, why it's called reflexive biting they get stressed its too crowded, there's no way to get off by yourself and
a docile white mouse everywhere, you go there's another mouse. They can't get by themselves. They can't rest, they can't be alone, they get frustrated and when they get frustrated that
I shall now by analogy: let's take that to an Edna S house for Thanksgiving. Ok, you got a house where maybe
before people live at the he get along. Just fine dislike the white mice in the big cage. Now you break
in another ten or eleven people in everybody's gonna stay at an and they
there on Wednesday night, you're gonna, be there Wednesday night, Thursday, thirty nine Friday, Friday night, Saturday's every night and, as Hemingway said, guess like fish stink after three days, so you're going to get some reflex.
Biting you, on the other hand, can decide that
You're gonna come late leave early
you, on the other hand, can say we didn't want
intrude so we're going to stay at the motel and you think. Well, that's gonna cost
couple hundred bucks gear, maybe but here
better off to go. Get one room with a couple, a roller ways, and you and your people stay together where you can get away from everything and decompress a little bit and it s something that you can afford
do. It might be a really good investment. If it's not something you can afford to do, then you might think about not staying. Quite so well
I'm just trying to give you a heads up that some of the meltdowns that happened during the holidays are not is random, as they may seem. In fact, there quite predictable.
Human nature wise when you think about such things as overcrowding. Stress intention, particularly if a couple of people there.
Chips on their shoulders or drink too much or have an issue
with you from last summer and all this gets mixed together, slight g. What could possibly go wrong here
like a lot to go around here, yet somebody the chip on your shoulders, somebody drinking too much somebody talking politics- him were all jam together in a room set up for four people is now get fourteen. What deposits
we go wrong. Well, everything so probably sound like a pessimist about how
These are absolutely not. I love the holidays. I have two sons. One is married to a wonderful
Wife Erika in we have two of the most delightful
and children in the world, and we ve never had so much as across word at Thanksgiving or Christmas
It's our Hauser there's or we ve traveled to some destination, always had distant terrific time. So I am not saying this because I've had some bad experience,
I'm saying it because out of forty five years of being mental health, professional have dealt with a lot of people that have come home wounded from what would have been designed as
wonderful family get together manager,
situation by managing your expectations and recognise if you're setting yourself up for failure by putting
stress and pressure on yourself by travelling to far putting on a financial strain stay.
Into long into small of space and trying to
of problems on a battlefield? It's not very good for problem solving. I just one
say that again remind us all that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks in one.
Rituals and traditions that we have Thanksgiving dinner. Is we just gonna go around the table start with one person go clockwise,
for counter clockwise, but would you gotta go in order round the table in everybody shares one thing that their particularly thankful for that's happened in the years since last nice giving and sometimes it's something
profound? Sometimes it's something really funny. Sometimes it's something that everybody knows.
What they're gonna say and sometimes is something way off the wall, but whatever it is, we must all share.
Blessing that we particularly value from the last year. That's one of our rituals introduced
then, maybe you have your own. If not you can
let me borrow hours. That's it this time. I wish
one really happy thanksgiving. If you travel, please travel safely manager, expectations and we'll get back to relation
reality check one week from today after Thanksgiving from doktor filled?
Transcript generated on 2019-12-30.