Dr. Phil dives into ways that you can make your relationship sing in episode 7 of Relationship Reality Check: How Much Fun Are You To Live With? See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
You know do and Doktor Phil, I'm in front of hundreds of people in the audience every day. So I just
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So we talked about the bad spirit that more talk about the good Spirit.
The things that you can do to make your relationship better. In the first one is to own your relationship. If you want to stop
contaminating your relationship then start contributing to your relationship. What was it that much
did your partner fall in love with you?
it's doctor bill. You found your way to fill in the blanks and we're in the middle of our series relationship. Reality check subtitled. How much fun are you to live with how much money you live with?
you know we ve been talking about what not to do the new relationship with it.
About me, ass! Well, in those things,
in talking about your bad spirit, those things that
terminator relationship with dragged down.
Let me say: relationships or ships and ships go down with
it's time to start talking about what to do. Of course,
what not to do, but anybody can say
what not to do anybody can criticise anybody can find fault. But what do you do have
did you make your relationship saying I'm gonna answer that quick,
and put a lot of herbs and my sentences, starting in
If we talk about check on your relationship, one of the key things I've said is that you either contribute to.
Or contaminate your relationship. There is no neutrality and I hope what you ve done. Rather
listen to me, ramble on here,
is really stop and ask yourself some questions, because my intention has been to be thought provoking here. Yet when you watch Doktor Phil, I'm talking to people I'm talking to
apples, I'm talking to families, I'm talking and individuals about their specific straw
and I really hope that when I do
that you are able to take something away from those stories that you can use in your own life, but here and
relationship! Reality check, set stories to the side, and I'm talking to you specifically about things that
You can plug it to your own life in your own relationship. I hope it's been thought provoking to the extent it when you come away. You ask yourself, is the bad,
beer it that we talk about acted in. My life has my bad spirit taken me over. When I say you either can
tribute to contaminate your relationship. I hope you stepped back and say, which is it for me,
my a contributor to bring,
things to the relationship or my contaminated I've got luggage. I got baggage. I've got a history that puts a chip on my show
and I'll bring it to the relationship and contaminate with it. I do hope you ask yourself that, because you ve heard me say you.
Cannot change what you do not acknowledge that lifelong number, for you cannot change what you do not knowledge.
If you are contaminated, you can't stop contaminating. If you don't acknowledge that you are contaminated and you cannot stop contaminating. If you don't start contributing to think about what I just said, you ve heard me say that you don't break habits. You
actually replace one behaviour with a new behaviour that incompatible with the one you dont want, and that's the same thing about contaminating if you
Don't stop contaminating your relationship, then start contributing to your relationship because that's a whole new, so
behaviors that is inconsistent incompatible with contaminating it if you're doing positive,
is it contribute to your relationship. Then you can't be contaminating it and what I'm telling you today, what I'm turning?
to today in relationship reality check how much fun or you live with. Is it's time to get back to you? Have you stop lightly and ask yourself: do you know why your partner, yours
ass, your husband, your wife, whatever it may be, fell in love,
view to begin with, stop and think
that now for me, I met Robin for
the eight years ago, forty eight years ago,.
That's a long time mean gas was, like thirty cents, a gallant think about that. That's how long ago that was- and it does a body good to turn back
the clock in fake. Why did somebody chuse you for their life partner? If it was
forty eight years ago, thirty years ago, two years ago, why did they choose you? What what
about you that lit Emma well,
What's it about you that made them say wow! I want to be with this person.
An all false! Humility aside, I want you to get out a piece of paper.
I want you to write down why your partner chose to spin.
The rest of their life with you, what was it and be realistic about it?
like I legacy offers humility aside for me, it was
that she love running her fingers through my hair? I know that for damn sure, because I was ball then dislike I am now. But what was it were you fund? Did you
your partner feel safe. Did you make your partner feel special? Did you make your partner feel valued? Did you make your partner feel like they were of worthy valid human being? Were you interesting.
Were you intriguing? What was it that major partner fall in love with you? If you can't answer that question, then you need to hit pause.
And stop listening to me until you can answer that, question really think about it.
The reason I want you to think about it is because I want you to get back to you. If you can't figure out why she fell in love.
But you why he fell in love with you to begin with. Then you
we have an anchor point. You don't have anything to get back to, and I want you to ask yourself: can I get back to me? Can I get back to me that my partner fell in love with you may think? Well, my partner still in love with me, doctor failure, assuming that I'm in the ditch here? No, no, I'm not, but no,
Buddy is above improvement. Maybe a relationship is in the ditch. Maybe that's why you're listening to this series it I've put together? Maybe it's just
on steel. Maybe you ve, just gonna become roommate and you take each other
Granted in the in the cereals gone, you know I did say there is a difference between four.
Being in love and being in love. There is a difference between getting butterflies in your stomach
every time the person walks in the room and a comfortable love that you feel safe and secure in
maybe you don't have either one of those. Maybe it's just roommates and not very good ones. Maybe it actually deteriorated into open hostility? Maybe you blame each other, for Europe
in life- I don't know your particular situation, but I do know this. I've never met a couple that couldn't improve so
I'm asking you: can you get back to you? Can you get back to the
you that your partner fell in love with. Have you lost yourself? Have you got in
bill, caught up in being a husband or wife, the boyfriend, a girlfriend, a partner, half of a couple that you lost all with who you are.
Because, if you cannot be a hundred percent of who, you are and be half of it
while at the same time something's gone wrong. You should be able to be an individual and still be half
couple: if you lose your individuality, the prices too,
The relationship is just you, ve got to reclaim who you are and that who your partner fell in love with, and you can say. Well I got that be out of me. A partner took that away from me. Well
no, they didn't I'll get to that in a minute, but they didn't fall in love with who you are now they fell in love with who you were then, so don't we need to get back to that in a robin and I've joke? Sometimes she ll say
I wish you were more sensitive. I wish you were more emotional and I said well
You married a linebacker, you didn't marry somebody other than I mean that's, who you married. That doesn't mean. I can't work too.
Those things, but you can't. I knew who I was when you married me, and I was pretty sorry Rowan ahead.
Pretty bile job. At the time I mean
two I wasn't what I did and I mean as a shock
was a job. I'm a junk mail Armenia's forty eight years later, in do sports ever
Ray Day seven days a week I did I'm there are doomed to. I am and she has been so
Parties in me, being who I am, she really has not tried,
change me into being who she might
different times think she wishes. I was
it doesn't mean, you can't modify yourself, you can't grow, you can't evolve. Certainly you can I gotta. Let women married forty.
Three years that has not been one year. Forty three times over, we ve been married. A second year, thirty or forty or fifty or in the fifth year, wasn't like the first year in the tenth year wasn't like the fifth year. We have either
Of course you don't ever want to have one year's experience. Forty three times you want
sure to build on the one before so. Of course you evolve, but you never lose your roots. You never lose your identity and when I say get back to you, I want you to make a commitment to yourself that you're gonna live with integrity, honesty, compassion
And you're gonna do it in a way that you generate enthusiasm that you your
on best friend you partners, gonna, be your best friend as well, but you gotta be a good friend to yourself.
Always tell people you're the easiest person to tell yourself? No, you Theseus person to say no to you, you could make a dentist appointment. You can make an appointment to meet somebody for lunch. You can make an appointment to see a therapy
you can make an appointment to do ten different things and when it comes time to have me time, you get five things to do that day.
Time run short who's, the easiest person, the cancel on you, you, these
person to cancel on right. It's easier to cancel on yourself. There is too cold it deniston say I'm not come. It is easier.
Yourself well out is ok, others
do this tomorrow instead of colonies, therapist and say I'm not coming
Calling your mother and say: I'm not gonna come over and see you. It is easier to tell yourself no, it shouldn't be, but it is
Then you avoid confrontation. What I'm saying is, if easier, if you Europe
a friend, then you won't cancel on you. You wouldn't cancelled
with your best friend if they were counting on it and of your own.
As free, and then you wouldn't cancel on you. You wouldn't care
the things that are important to you.
You wouldn't settle for less. You wouldn't settle for living with less than integrity and honesty and compassion enthusiasm. So we talked about the bad spirit and more talk about that.
Spirit. I wonder about the things that you can do to make your relationship better and the first one is to own your relationship. Own
your relationship. You are not a victim
They will. I'm married to a jerk come in a relationship with somebody is just impossible. I'm a victim here doctrine
You dont know this person their possible most
miserable human being on the face of the earth. This is
ground zero for miserable married to the worst
person in the world. They find something wrong with everything. Well, ok, that's your victim story.
But you ve got to own that relationship. You created this relationship, you pick this person,
what ever is going on in this relationship. You either elicited it, maintain it or allow it you're, not a victim.
You either illicit, maintain or allow what's going on in your relationship. You are the architect of your thoughts, you're thought patterns, you're behaviors.
Whatever your partners bad habits. Are you need ask yourself? What do you do?
who to pay them, offer that if they are
constantly light. You give your going somewhere you your!
meetings and one for dinner. You have a reservation somewhere and they are
Ironically late? I mean it's a fight. Every time you may
a reservation somewhere, you gonna be there at seven thirty and
seven, thirty years
ago go and they're not, and you leave at eight fifty every time, and so you are mad every time you are arguing every time you need to ask yourself.
What you're doing to elicit, maintain or allow that behaviour, because you are not a victim. You are doing something to enable that behaviour. You are paying them offer that behaviour so, instead of
asking yourself? What is wrong with them that they do this? You need to ask yourself: what am I doing to reinforce this behaviour on their part? Look.
Your role that you may say look why, by.
This on me, I'm not the one is late.
Blaming it on you, I'm saying you're, the only one you have control over.
You're, the only one you have input to. So you know
to own your relationship, take off the victim, had put it on the shelf and become an owner.
An owner of your relationship. If your partner is just unplugged, what are you
doing that elicits, maintains or allows that how're you paying them off for being on blood.
Are you allowing them to be lazy? Are you failing to
gauge, have you given up? What are you doing
to enable that behaviour enable
Hence I make it easier for them to do something by my conduct own your relationship, you're, not a victim.
What are you doing to elicit at behavior? What do you do
To maintain it, what are you doing to allow it? Take control, confront the situation own, your relationship quit blaming you partner for it
an own it if you're so smart, if you're so right than why can't you fix it, you can you can fix it by owning it. What's a second thing you can do, you can accept the risk of being vulnerable.
This is really important if your relationship is not working exactly the way you want it to, then you ve gone into protective mode. You put you dukes up gotcha fist out in front of you re to fight, because you don't trust you partner, they ve hurt you, and so you start playing a what, if gay? Well, I'm not gonna expose myself imo, let myself feel again, love again may exceed
most again does what, if they betray me again, what have they lie to me again? What
Cheat on me again. What are they
cold on me again. What if I,
What you're saying Doktor feel what have I become bone
Oh yeah, what about put it on the line? Again,
they. Let me down again look out
really dont, mind you playing the what, if game in a relationship, I really doubt as law,
as you play it out to the end. If you are going to ask the question what, if what if they betray me, what if they lie to me, what if they let me down.
I don't mind you play that game as long as you answer the question, if you say what, if they let me down, then answer the damn questioned: what if they do
you gonna explode? Are they gonna be hair teeth an ice all over the wall? I'm just gonna explode because they lied to you again. Vote no, of course you're, not you,
didn't last time. Did it hurt you? Were you upset? Yes,
Are you still here? Yes, did you die? No I've told you before to them
never one never invest more than you can afford loose. I hear these things. You say it is devastated me. You just killed me now. It didn't then devastate. You didn't care,
you- it broke my heart now. It didn T hurt you, but it didn't you
I know you know how I know it didn't, kill you cuz you're, still, listen to me. You would not dead you're still here, you're listening to me everything I've told you is it. Language is very powerful if you use words like horrible devastated, killed,
Those come with a lot of power if it was just horrible, your she lied to me. She cheated me medicinal destroyed. May it is devastated me? Oh no! It then you, kidneys are still working hard, still be
you're upset hurt your feelings in two years from now you ve be with somebody, and you look back and say: oh my god,
she hadn't cheated on me. I never met this version who I am head over heels in love with it's funny how things work if the person had cheated on in
Let me then, I never met this personally,
love more than life itself, so that was actually a blessing. I M so glad that happened, because now I've met this person. Does it hurt? Yes, is it ok,
No, it's not! Okay, I'm not trying to say trivialize it! Nothing matters it is it matters. Of course it matters. Does it have gravity? Yes, it has gravity, but it's bad enough without you catastrophizing it with your language except the risk of vulnerability. If you say what, if I say, okay, I'm going to get emotionally invested again, I'm going to I'm going to approach them again, I'm going to show up
action again and I'm going to engage again what if they just turn a cold shoulder to me again? Well, ok, what if they do well, then you'll try something else
Or maybe he'll eventually have enough and say: that's it. I'm out of here model for the rest of my life meet my head against the wall, but you will survive, accept the risk of vulnerability and accept the fact that you will survive. The third thing you gotta do is accept your partner.
And that means you ve got to stop focusing on the negatives. You gonna take the tip off your shoulder. You have to realise
you don't have to react everything you can react to just because they do something that you can justify being upset about. You can justify being heard about, you can justify being wounded by doesn't mean you have to be here. You can't make a joke out of it. You can choose to tease
about it. Your pain is surprised that you pay for resisting the natural order of things and there
The natural order of things is to certain way people are going to be, like I said, Robbins very emotional. I love that about her she's she's, so much fun in that regard, and she she gets so excited about things and it just fills up the room and it's great when our kids were growing up and it's great now with my grown kids and our grandkids and she gets so excited about things and
This brings a texture to life. That's just really really nice and a much more cerebral. I this kind of think about things, and I might have a great sense of satisfaction.
Inside but I dont do the happy dance like Snoopy and peanuts cartoons and she'll sometimes
rather they give me somethin
come on. I mean you dislike, like you won the lottery or somethin Gimme Somethin jump up and down. You mean throw caution to the wind,
break into a smile you dollars. Is she teases me about it, but she doesn't reserve
the natural order of things
She knows that this
The way I am I'm color reserved in that way in
raised by an alcoholic father in a very combative situation, and I can have.
Emotions that are a little more constricted and that
This is natural order of things, so she knows that in issue,
redo, something in the house and say: ok, committed. Look at this. I close your eyes open your eyes. What do you think
look at it and I think I might like this.
God you like it or do you not well you'll after about ten years, she's learned, she's. Well, ok, it'll take a battle,
for him to come to think about it and look at it and live with it. While he ll sit in the room, I look around and stuff and then
in about a week. You tell me
I really like this is really
feels good. I really like this and
when he says it, he'll really mean it, but he's not gonna gesture of an illegal. Oh
is a great thing. I've ever seen in my life this
not the natural order of things for me and she's been great about accepting that. So ask yourself: do you accept your partner
in their natural way of being in the world in you, you don't have to love every thing about somebody to love them. You can love what they do and
certain situations and not love what they do and others, but you can still love them. I love that she gets so excited about things in it by my yardstick it would be too excited. Thus, just by my yardstick is not by her, so I accept her in her emotion, Amity and she accepts me in my analytical approach in between us. It's pretty good balance. Ask yourself: what can I do to accept my partner?
in the natural order of things. The way they naturally are, instead of criticizing the fact that they aren't the way you are because, like I said, your brother is very different for me. I don't want her to be just like me. I did not want our kids to grow up with two knees. I want him to grow up
a robin and feel- and I certainly did more be married me-
I wanna be married. Some by that looks at things the way I look at em thinks about things while again,
Reacts to things away, I react to them. How boring would that be?
if you were married, somebody that thought felt acted, reacted,
exactly the way you do caught her boring. Would that be? Let me terrible you dont want that. You want them to be different, so accept your partner, fine things about them that you can focus on that report.
Now. The fourth thing is gonna see. Markets should be the easiest thing of all, but I'll bet. It's the thing that you're probably worse that and that is
What to do something to improve your relationship, work on being a friend work on friendship, you gotta, be friends with your partner and lets us think about what that means. I'm betting.
The most married relationships, most committed relationships, most long term relationships that are caught in the ditch are probably problem driven
you remember a few weeks ago I talked about the first four minutes I said come in and for four minutes, don't talk about problems for four minutes. How are you? How was your day you look? Nice house looks great. We tell you about some happened. It was really fun. Today.
Some really did today. That was just absolutely hilarious, sir. How proud I was of what Susie did school today or I got it
Great news today from my mom or something just positive policy, positive for four minutes and you're gonna find sometimes it it's hard to fill up four minutes without bitching about
something in the harder, it is the more you need to do it motions
fish and chips that are off in the ditch our problem driven. You guys deal with problems together. You just you just do that's your favorite topic, but if you want your relationship to get better, you need to be better friends. And what do friends do I think about a friend that you have maybe at work or in the neighborhood somewhere that you went to school with
see each other from time to time. What do friends do friends see each other? They laugh the cut up. They talk about common interest, maybe it's sports or some tv series, or both watching or maybe they talk about politics or whatever. You might tell each other
oak or laugh about something they saw in the internet. Friends invest energy in each other; they don't just bring problems to each other or they stop seeing each other friends talk about.
If things and I'll tell you what I have observed is that couples often invest
energy into their relationship with each other, then they do with people
they casually no work they'll pass each other in the hall at home at, but
go in a word: hey Bob how's it going Carol. What's up, how is your night but they'll
There are significant other in the kitchen and home. That's all.
Energy they'll put into it at home, with the most significant other person in their life, but then go to work with somebody that barely know it's like hell
are you sure, look nice today
I love that coat.
They won't even put that much energy and with the most significant person in their life
illogical is that so,
asking you to invest at least as much energy into your significant other as you do with strangers or care.
You'll acquaintances at work or the mall. I've seen people
this more energy into a clerk at the grocery store than they do their partner at home.
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I want you, go beyond being a friend. Was you partner? I want you to make it
conscious decision to promote your partner self esteem, promote your partner self esteem listing about what
of esteem means because we use that word lot, but nobody ever really defines it self esteem.
How well does one regard themselves? How proud of themselves are the? How much do they like themselves? How much
confidence. Do they have no good? Do they feel about themselves? There's something:
we refer to in psychology. Sometimes it's called the health engendering personality. You can look this up if you want
I read about it. It's a thing. Health enjoy
during personality- and I have a really long time. Dear friend, that has the best health engendering personality I may have ever encountered in that's Oprah. Now I've known open
yes, ninety six so coming up on twenty three for five years, and I have
watched her with a thousand other people, hundreds of other people, one on one over all those years, and it does it make.
Difference whether its with a president of the United States Senator a jam
cleaning up in the studio. Is we're leaving parking lot attendant a waiter in a restaurant, whatever she has
disability that whenever she interacts with someone they feel better about who they are when they get through talking to her, she did TAT
this way of engaging Liam focusing on them in a way that they were
walk away, feeling better about
who they are and what they have to offer in this life than they did before. They walked up and engaged with her. It's not distance.
Have a glow about they got to talk to Oprah. Eleven would be excited that they got to talk to upper Winfrey mean come on who doesn't like Oprah, then people would be excited about talking to her, but it's
that it's more than that is that they have a deeply
personal experience in talking with her and she impacts them in a way that they
walk away with their shoulders back and their head held a little higher and feeling good about who they are and where they are in this world. Now some people just do that. Naturally, it's just a quality that they have, and I suspect over was that way in grade school. She's, probably that way in college, and
certainly been away for the twenty five years that I have known her and I suspect that's why she was one of the most Clarion voices, if not the Clarion voice in the history of television, I think, as where millions of people flocked to watch her every day, because they would just
watch her and hear what she had to say and share in the stories that she presented and they just felt better about themselves. That's what
I want you to do with your partner. I want you to make a call,
this decision that what
Every year interaction is going to be with your partner. You're going to do it in such a way that they feel better about who they are after talking to you than they did before they started that somewhere.
Somehow, during that conversation, you're gonna validated person, you're gonna honour that
person, you're gonna, make them know that your proud of them and that they should be proud of themselves. You gotta
and something about them that you can
come in on focus on single out mirror back to them reflect on. That is a positive about them. Maybe it's their looks. There grew
mean the way they presented, something how they carry themselves the idea or comment that they had to make whatever it is, but you're going to interact with them in a way that they can't possibly walk away from you and not feel better about who they are. This page after me
what they say.
I am saying this plan the nice guy plan, a nice guy can really cheetah person. It can really be condescending. That's not what I'm talkin about you can decide.
With someone you can fire some one from their job and they can walk away feeling better about themselves and they did before they walked up
you're, probably going to okay, you lost me there how you going to do that, how you going to fire somebody and they can feel better about themselves than they did before they walked out. Well, you might have to focus on their good qualities. You might have to post it
the contribution they have made while there there and how painful it's gonna be too have to let them go and the fact that they don't fit. The organization in how you make their talent is and how special they are and how strongly you believe in the yeoman are gonna, help them moving forward and comment on the positive things that they ve done. While they were there, whatever you can find to comment on about them in the core sets the altar.
Stretching you and you break up with somebody? You don't give them the ol hey. It's me not you. You know that didn't fly
That's not what I'm talking about! I'm talking,
whether you're checking out a grocery store with clerk, whether you talking to your children, whether engaging with a friend and it, isn't all
Please about paying people a compliment, one of the most powerful
if you can do for people to feel better about themselves is to give them your absolute, undivided attention. Stop what you're doing? Don't look at your phone put your
They put it in your pocket. Look them in the eye. Here's a unique thought! Look them!
in the engage with them be one hundred percent present when you're talking to them asked
questions about what they're saying follow up with what they're saying show an interest
in what they have to say be in
aged be one hundred percent fully present people's favorite topic is themselves. Sorry, it just is. People's favorite topic is themselves
so somebody come up and talk to you. Look him in the eye and tell you something is going on and ask a few questions and follow up until woke me up thanks for sharing that know if you've got just a minute,
about you. How are you doing
school on. Your life will tell me about there,
That is so interesting.
Thanks for sharing it with me. Appreciate you taken time to share that with me. Just show an interest
I am a curiosity about them and listened intently, be one hundred percent present when you're talking to that person
There is nothing more room than somebody be talking to you and tell you something particularly personal and your reading. Your phone always
hundred Ghali's restaurants see people on their phone. The entire time see them standing on a street who are they talking to if they need to be somewhere else? Why are they here? If whoever there
texting, withered, emailing or talk it on a boat is so important. Why are they not? There, instead of here, if you need to talk,
person so badly. I will be happy to excuse you and you can call it a uber or something and go over there and be with him and text me. I don't know, but it's so rude, be with your partner. If your
comes in the room when you watch tv, here's a thought pause. The tv turn it off pause it
actually say this. The last week of husband at the breakfast warrant, a kitchen
watching tv, it is what you do and they turned up the volume of hook. You're gonna talk about a third of the volume:
why don't you just hit her in the head, throw water their face or something how rude I thought. Oh, my god I need to get out of here, actually turned up the volume to drown her out
She did not walk away feeling better about who she was. I mean that's like the worst. Only thing you could have done was then pick up his phone and start texting. Someone be
hundred percent present? Look him in the b engage, show an interest in what you're talking about ask a follow up, question and ask about them that makes people feel
How is that there's something there
Never six you're just gonna, have to be honest with ourselves about this: get air your frustrations in the right direction, and that is applied.
Those two non directional venting and here's. What I mean by that look, your day is full of frustrations right and so what we tend to do- and this is what drives the first four minute comment that I made earlier is
become home, and we visit to our partners, we vit termites wit, might were frustrated at work. We didn't get the raised that we ask, for we didn't get to promotion that we wanted or there's somebody at work that is just annoying and irritating or the kids have just been impossible that day and then you get with your partner and you're just so frustrated you could just ate a tin can, and so you just start
burning at them in your just visiting all prostration and you just putting them on blast. The damn thing. Why
Are you at them because their handy their hands,
pocket on a shirt. You've got all this frustration all this resentment. All of this pent up frustration, rage and here is a target, and you may think we'll that's what partners are for? No, no! No, it's not that's not what they're for
that is not what, therefore, at all in your job, is to sort out the sources of your frustration,
and if you ever frustration with your partner, then you can do that with your partner after the first four minutes. But if you ve got frustrations, it worked India deal with them at work. If you got frustrations with your brother or your sister, your mother, your father, or your kids, or your golf game or something then deal with that, their dough vit to your partner, don't take it out on your partner either.
Tough day at work. Don't come home and browbeat your partner because you didn't have
it gets to say it to your boss, and this is a huge deal. I can't tell you
how much this happens in relationships and if you would stop doing that, you would be astounded how much axed would disappear in your relationship. Aim, your friend,
relations in the right direction, air them out
where they happen, don't deal with them all at home. Look there's a lot of fun
duration in life with financial pressures
job pressures, and if you got a job you got pressures. Have you got a job
that pressure. You don't have a job. You just go down there and so by paying you, if you got a job,
without pressure than variously suitable really have a job. So those guys
heavy pressure is gonna, build up and you're gonna wanna bet you just don't go home and been knew so well. They wait a minute. I feel evoking alma talk to my partner took our relationship. Is that well don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say you: can
go home and talk to you partner, I said you cannot go home and vent frustrations that your partner has nothing to do with on your partner deal with that
where it happens, refresh re with a teacher at school that kid and liquidity
be frustrated with your supervisor work and, lastly, the supervisor.
Wherever you frustration is born deal with it there
did you come home and say man of sulphur,
today, work and dealt with so sure glad ago soft place to fall
Let's go sit on a party on relax a minute, that's a whole lot.
Berlin coming home, just putting your partner on blast now, listen, I'm making new stuff up. I've been doing this for forty five years of seeing this over and over
over and over again some say an aim, your
frustrations in the right direction in number seven and we'll talk about the frustrations that are associate
Willie Parker, because number seven you're good
ocean ship. You need to be up front and forthright with your partner if you do have frustrations, Willie part
and I guarantee you are going to have frustrations with a partner
charming and wonderful as I am guarantee ravenous head frustrations with me over the years of often said we ve been met
forty three years and I M sure some of those felt like a dog years to her, because we
different them, pure of frustrated, her no end times you need to.
When Robert and I were first dating, she had upset with me about something and she had said anything other than one or two word responses for about three four hours so
being we clever and perceptive person, I am now that some
over there, the other room and said what's wrong, and she
Nothing of the word
nothing, the translation was planned
It is wrong and it's you: ok, listen!
A conversation here I'll make a deal
whatever deal you want to make, but I don't
feel very well with pouting. I would much rather uterus
Tell me straight a jerk. Here's what you did like it just tell me and
we can deal with Amano your visually gonna tell me so why waste two and a half days, and then you tell me why
still we now we can deal with it and then we can enjoy the next two and a half days to which she
Well, that's fine, Mr Cerebral, but maybe I don't feel like talking about right now. It's ok then tell me that, but also
Often when it something to say
I feel like talking about right now, we're
talk about it later, then that's ok, but let's at least put it on the table is beyond me automobile, senator. Guessing this tell me, let's be honest, you don't have to talk about things
on my schedule or my terms or ever for that matter. I don't get to set your clock. You dog, when you want, if you want, but let's hit
please be honest with each other, and so, if you know
talk about than this year, there is somebody may as don't talk about right now, because I was pretty good speech and she said: okay sounds good.
Yeah. There is that Roma Autonomy, whereby they absolutely below. Ok, that about
two months later, she came in and tell me what it was and we talked about it and resolved it and
we left about later that day and decided that we would deal with things
they came up against,
of letting them build up, and that was really import
for our relationship. We just a great
gonna be up front and forthright,
Have emotional integrity? So, if I said, is there some wrong with you? She was gonna say no. If there really was in
same thing. If she asks me, are you upset about something I'd say? Yes, I am, I wasn't gonna say no
ah it or whatever, when in fact that's not the case and both of us,
serve the right to talk about it. When we felt like talking about it, which I think to our credit was general,
Either right they are pretty soon thereafter, but anger
is nothing more than an outward manifestation of hurt, fear and frustration.
If your partner is angry,
showing you anger. Look behind the anger, that's a protective mechanism. What
Really experiencing is hurt, fear, frustration or all three.
And if you give them an opportunity, they'll tell you about that, but I'm talking here
emotional integrity. Don't lie to you
no don't be in denial. You wanna goodwill
It should be up front and forthright
about your emotions. That doesn't mean you have to.
Before you ready, but at least I
There is something bother me and I just don't feel like talking about it right now. Well, I want to talk about right now. Will then go talk to yourself, your partner
doesn't get to tell you when I talk about something, but at least be honest. If there's
don't bother new and hopefully will deal with it in good time distant.
Play that nothing game are now. I don't know what you're talking about when you damn well know, there's somethin bothering you and what it is to be honest about it. Save yourself years, cumulatively, number eight,
look you decide to make yourself happy rather than right. This world is full of right fighters is full right fighters.
People decide, look I'm right about this, I'm just right by God. I'm right, I got
right to say this right about business deal changed my mind. I saw such a tragic example of this.
Many years ago, when I was in private practice as well
with a family, and there is a father that had a teenage son and the sun wanted
girl his hair long and the father.
This was evident at the kitten
his hair out, he can't kept hidden a lot and children can offer
is dead, realise that he was in his dead words
become long, haired, hippy
I remember we were having a family session and he said boy, you don't get you Damn haircut and
kids, and I don't want to get a haircut. My attitude about those things.
I worked with families. My attitude about it now is: look what you're talkin about hair or style. You pick your battles
these things come and go made, kid was dies, hair, bright, green, just take a breath
next week, they'll shaven offer it'll be a different color, something like what difference does it make? They want
How long you wait a couple weeks ill shaved off into a mohawk you, oh my god, that's even worse! Well, hang on that'll go away too,
single, Melville, Gilbert haircut Middle, be something else lily.
Poker doubts honour here, but that all goes away pick your battles and kids.
Go through fashion and they go through hair styles and stuff is nothing permanent. This not gonna make any difference, pick your battles and not till his dad, privately lighten up a bit
this man. I have the right he's. My son he's a minor. I have the right to tell him how anywheres where's here. Yes, you do, you have the right, but you are.
Right where you want to be happy what your role with it teasing
other yourselves, but you have fun with it. You know, but just
Don't throw the whole wholesale down here and have a showdown and get resentment,
a push him into rebellious behaviour and all that and
I'd love to tell you that I had great therapeutic breakthrough, but I didn't
It was just a hammer head and he was gonna, listen
he's right. I got the right to do it and he's not going to make the decisions here. I'm the father he's the son, I'm going to tell him what to do well, we'll talk about it next week. That was on the way.
His son played on a junior, varsity, basketball, team names, J B, good basketball player, even point guard and they were too
aim? Junior varsity basketball team, the son of a bitch
The ball them in the second half
basketball game in across MID court and he just stumbled and fell
face plan on the court and nobody could figure out
rapid slip on some. I swear
lack of whatever he fell down there
where's own? He didn't you
right away, so they went out there in checking
trainers came out, coach came out and they turned him over.
They determine later that he was dead when you hit the ground. That is hard disk exploded,
run down a court, it was a congenital defect did not been diagnosed when you run down a court, the demand on hard disk exploded, we die.
I've been one second between stumble
hitting the floor and his dad has had to live.
With their last interactions been bag.
You're gonna get a haircut because I say you are, and I've got the right to do that. He told
many times after that he wished? He had listened and picked his battles differently that he wished. He could run
love his sons, long hair and
teaching about it joke about it again.
How he remembers him run down a court with the hair flowing in the background and how athletic he looked in hell. You wish he had a chance to do it over. He was right, but he sure wasn't happy to my point. Is you got a picture
battles, do you wanna be right in his relationship or you want to be happy and the things that you think
you're so right about, and maybe you're right do, that
really matter in the grand scheme of things do
I really really matter. Yes,
I was raised by an alcoholic father, the last year and a half almost two years of his life. He quit drinking.
And enrolled in the Dallas seminary.
And got his masters of divinity. He died, sober,
she died, teaching a Sunday school class and when he started the Sunday school class at this particular church, there were ten people in his class.
Morning. He died. There were about three hundred and fifty class. It grow net much because he was such a great communicator.
And so we had some interesting talks in the last year,
for two years, make up for lost time. I guess
all the years he was drunk and he used to talk about hearing gods. Voices
God will speak to you and you'll, hear his voice and he'll tell you what to do with your life, and I used to tell him. Will you know that's good in theory, but I don't.
Think. I hear gods voice and he would say
oh, is seldom as you talk to him. I don't wonder that you don't recognize his voice ass. Well, that's real funny said you
get a lot of signals in life that will give you wake up. Calls.
And he said you wanna be real careful to listen very closely and watch very closely if you get caught that little tat,
on the shoulder a wake up, call from God, because if you don't pay it
mention to the little tap on the shoulder. You just might
A real rap on the head
what are you talking about his well? You know from Vienna therapists that people only think they ve got problems until they really do in new
He was exactly right falcon about people in there and their fight and just to that
I mean they're yellin in Screamin and is willing to go to the wall over.
Whose right about fine
it's his rouge right about parroting or whose right about where this child should go to a private school or a public school and they're, just in their fight tooth and nail
They come in the next week and they face
on the spot on the child's kidney and its malignant.
And all of a sudden I don't give a Tinkersdam bitter difference about whether he goes to a public, school or private school or how long their hair is or whose parroting rider, whose parenting wrong and that's what he means. Is you only thank you
problems until you do so now,
too much time worrying about being right and
It is time that you could spin be unhappy. There's just two things left. I wanted
about really given your relationship, a chance to be happy number nine
is allow your relationship to transcend the turmoil,
This is real simple.
I'll use Robin as an example. We were married
forty three years, and we have never spoken the key word in our home. Despite what you
I have heard in the tabloids and all the click bait stories that you see. We have never spoke
the divorce word in our home, not in passing not in an argument not in any way have we spoken at word and I'll. Tell you why we did
a long time ago that no matter what
agreements. We have no matter what kind of arguments we have the relay,
since Europe is simply not the stakes for which we are playing. There's no more.
Extortion. It's never like you
You want to argue with me and get all upset in fine I'll, just get my stuff and leave no. Let's not deal.
We both know no matter what gets said, no matter what the argument may be, the disagreement. Maybe the relationship is just not on the line, as did not table stakes.
What were planned for may think about.
The river and there's a branch of a tree.
Reaches out over the river. You can get the river and splash around, but you cannot splash high enough to get that branch. Wit is too high
Above the river, well, that's our marriage.
That we get down there in the river ITALY Splash around argue and splash water on each other and we can trash around, but it is not going to splash up on that branch. Cuz! That's where a marriage is and that's not going to get wet that sits up above the turmoil. The relationship is never
the stakes for which reply, so it doesn't ever come into play, no matter how mad one of us
I get or of what one of us may say.
Nobody ever enters that conversation thinking well how badges
yeah. It is this going to end the relationship. Is this going to be the conversation that ends it in the answer to that is no never happened, because we under
and have the integrity? That's not gonna, be part of it. This is not the stakes for which reply
I highly recommend that we deal with
He says they come up flow.
We ve, never had a disagreement that even remotely approach that we do
but things while their small before they get big, they might have a little
little skirmishes or disagreements and no wars and that's what happened
you deal with things when they come up. I don't have a chance to fester and build into big things. People s,
how do we argue have disagreements. Of course we do, but there alone
small things, data day things because we just don't let em
build up for a month or two months and then there's a blow up, but even
they did. The relationship is not something.
That would be online. This not something for.
You ever should play number ten really refers,
the first nine and is put most
an end to your emotions, everything that has been done
in about own. Your relationship to accept them
the risk of vulnerability? Accept your partner, be a good friend permit.
Their self esteem. Don't vent your frustration!
that home be up front and forthright make yourself happy, not
right all of these things laser action still.
Things that you need to do differently. Put these things in motion it s, no good. The disk
he'll differently. You have to behave differently
promise you, when you do, you will no longer be eliciting maintaining or allowing destructive behaviour from your partner. You will be
creating an environment that is really fertile for health. If you do things,
makes your partner feel better about who they are promise. You things were going to feel better at home
a promise you, your relationship is gonna, be more healthy, more rewarding.
I really hope these things are thought provoking. I really hope you put him into play all
this is gonna, be on our website, so you can go back and review it if you home and taken note, because you been driving her walk in her whatever so the tin.
Things that I have listed here or
gonna be on the website, so you can go back and great. Your own paper.
I really want you to do that, but when I say this is
relationship. Reality check
we do need to check because one
but I ask you how much further you live with tee
Little devilish grin on your face, so I can help us out a little bit. I'm Dr Phil
Transcript generated on 2019-12-24.