« Phil in the Blanks

Dos And Don’ts For Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

2021-11-30 | 🔗

Dr. Phil’s series, Toxic Personalities in the Real World, continues delving into borderline personality disorder, which Dr. Phil says is “the most stigmatized disorder of all.”

“One day, they’ll be full of vim and vigor, and confidence, and the next day, they’re wondering why they’re even in this world,” Dr. Phil says of the 18 million people affected by borderline personality disorder. “If you’re living with one of these people, there are a lot of dos and don’ts.” For more information: http://drphilintheblanks.com/

Interested in advertising on the show? Visit https://www.advertisecast.com/PhilintheBlanks

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
When you're dealing with a borderline personality, you wanna use open, ended questions in what I call a two way: communication model I like being worship dear. I, like this person, loving everything. I say it everything. I do you down well good evening. Everyone welcome back to fill in the blanks. I'm doctor fill. Of course it's too, After Thanksgiving and I'm hoping, everybody had a good thanksgiving, Let you know what idea over over Thanksgiving Robert and I were together with their family. I'm sure all you know that we have to Boys in two dotterine laws and three grandchildren. Fortunately, we were able to be with family over the break,
spend time together in eight too much, of course, but that's ok. There's just one day and didn't feel too bad played It is in the morning and then had kind of a late afternoon dinner in disguise to spend time, hang out then with each other. So we enjoyed it and I hope you had time to connect people in your life where they were. In person or electronically or whatever so hope you got to take a break in that with your family one way or the other onto the business of the night. Or of the day whenever you may be listing. We ve been talking about toxic personnel it is in the real world. You know we covered narcissism and, and last week we started talking about borderline. Personalities, and this is the second
I'm talking about borderline personality, because. You encounter a lot of people like this. I know because You ask me about it a lot and if you didn't care, last time, then it's in the library and you can go back and listen to it, just a quick focus. Borderline personality disorder is kind of what we're talking about when this is present in the extreme, but remember I said that all of us are on a behavioral continuum and you may have a lot of the characteristics that we're talking about with borderline personality disorder, but you may not have them too the extreme or you might be married to someone or have a sibling or some one. You work with that has some of these characteristics they don't have them all
well. They don't have them to the degree that they would qualify as having the disorder. So when I talk about it, I'm talking about it in the extreme, when it reaches the level of being diagnosed able and be diagnosed, they are like. Nine characteristics of the borderline personality that went over last time. You can see them out quickly here in a minute. You don't have to have fun but the nine to get the diagnosis, but we're talking here about patterns, somebody might have these traits are characteristics or symptoms pop up, for a day or two are in crisis, but not in pattern, so that does it mean that they have a borderline personality disorder, despite pop up in pattern is defined as a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships instability of self image or emotions and marked impulse
seventy. These are really impulsive. People is usually big sitting by early adulthood and its present in a variety of context, or it's not is specific to home within specific to work is present in a variety of context. That means there the common denominator they take this with them. Wherever they go, dispersed Howdy disorder is really unique in unstable, the people are in there chickens and in their relationships with vast chow changes that happen really fast. Sometimes it can be views with bipolar disorder that has mania involved in it, but the difference is with a bipolar personality? These changes can happen with an hour. They can be happy, sad and mad in a very short period of time for no up
here at reason you gonna buy. Oh my god. What did I do to trigger this? The answers, probably nothing Or maybe everything because they ring this with them. You know you ve heard me say when you into a relationship you bring things with you that either contributor contaminate the relationship and people with borderline personality disorder, brain this instability with them that contaminate the relationships that they get into impulsivity, for example, and so I'm gonna talk today about how you deal with that, how you handle it- and let me tell these- are not evil people. I always say that if you just look past the
obvious emotions and ask yourself wonder why this person is doing this, wonder why there behaving or feeling or expressing the emotions they are that it tends to bring out compassion in you and that's what I'm asking you to do here. These people are miserable people, much of the time, that's why they're doing what they're doing there are doing this. It is make you miserable though they may be, making you miserable their miserable themselves. Just ask yourself when see someone like this that care a relationship that they're happy one minute crying the next raging. The next ask yourself what it must be like live that way day after day, month after month, year after year, never be able to sustain a relationship right
that emotional rollercoaster all the time what it must be like for them. So mast you'd be apathetic here. These people are real, we often times in a lot of pain and some ass, either just be aware of that. So Do right, this emotional rollercoaster and as a result, these rapid swains, they tried again you on that roller coaster with them, and what I want to talk to you about today is how not to get on that rollercoaster and how to guard against. we're getting sucked into begin with. Look these But when you made em they're going to come on really strong, really fast. They may idolize you in the very beginning and using wild. This is great. I mean you're, getting love Bob. This person is loving you up in their telling you how great an intriguing and interesting and fascinating you.
are, but in a very short time, they're gonna likely turn on you and talk about how you have ruined everything. Ruined them rejected hurt them. Why did you do this to me? Living You don't want to sit on a pedestal. It's a long way to fall, So one of the things you can do is resist them. Putting you up on that pedestal, it might seem like Alice, is fun being idolized. I liked being work should beer. I like this person, loving everything I say and everything I do and I'll you don't cuz, there's no way you can live up to that, even if they weren't borderline personality- and you certainly can't live up to it if they are a borderline personality all relationships with these people. They get into the really fast.
Everything moves real fast. They get deep into the relationship, a fall in love fast, they fall Abdullah, fast, look, people that live in the emotional extremes and borderline personalities do this. They live in the emotional extremes and people that live in the emotional, extremely their extremely happy, are extremely sad. They also make extreme movements They live in the extremes of the emotions, then you can expect them to make radical changes because they populate the middle range of just oh, you know, that's annoying now know is the worst thing is happen to that's how they react to it so people it. Given the emotional extremes make radical moves to the other emotional extremes, may lobby one minute be so upset with you. The next that its terrible for you and for them I also have the same. Roller coaster and
confusion about how they feel with regard to themselves, as I said last week, might even actually hear them say, we even know who I am anymore. Maybe never did there's an identity disturbance with these people. These are not fully that know who they are and think about it how do we know other people? You have an image of other people. You have formed an opinion of other people and how do you do that? Well, it's the same way. We fall. Marcella image, you watch what people do right. You watch what they do with you ve got somebody that you work with, and maybe they are there fifty minutes early every day. When you get there there always there. You could set your watch by them. They ve got the place unlock. They ve got the lights on. They got the coffee going
They ve turned on the music in the place and you just now we'll be there every day and if they aren't there, you think that something is wrong, because this person, is reliable, as they can be. How do you assign reliability to them? How do you assign dependability to them by war? watching them and based on their path turns of behavior. You make attributions to them. You assigns traits and characteristics to them. Based on your experience of them, that's really high. hard for borderline personality people to do because they are consistent. They observe them elves too, and they know. Well. I can't keep a relationship, All my relationships are filled with drama. I feel abandoned every
time I get in a relationship. Everybody seems to turn away from me. I can't trust anybody. I dont have feelings of intimacy every time I I get hurt. Why is that? Well, because things that you might let roll off your back, they take so personal and they exaggerate and blow out of proportion, so bad that they do feel. Like everybody abandons observer, does it abandoned them, but you might call and say I am really tired. Today, Canada, the rain check on dinner. We were gonna, go out to dinner, not gonna. Take a rain check if a friend that, with you I say sure stand was listed to worn out or maybe this weekend, not somebody with a borderline personality to them. They go out. You don't care about me anymore. You don't like
Anymore, you don't love me anymore, you're abandoning me, so they would take something like that. Get very paranoid about it blow away out of proportion they. don't have self confidence data. Know who they are. They don't know that their worthy that really gets under their skin. They have what we call an identity, disturbance there very unclear or shifting in their self image And so you'll see it in their sense of self. See it in their style. They might come dressed in white style one day in a completely different when the next day they might make radical, changes in their hair. They might cut their hair off, they might die either.
There are different colors mean radically different, so they'll chain style their fashion, their hair. They may even speak indifferent, accents from one day to another and you're goin out now whoa. This is really strange cause. I know. She's from taxes was he's talking like she's from London. Well, she's not display on a roles, confused and she's searching for some identity or he's playing a role. Maybe he's been influenced by somebody and he's behaving that way than ups And he or she here, because this affects both my talk about some of the myths here in just a minute. so we ve been talking about these toxic personalities, I'm doing it because I know you may be experiencing stress right now and you may not know everywhere. You can get help well, Roy but is here the hill this?
You gonna go Sheikh with Robert Mcgraw. She speaks with breath, work, teacher, Rebecca or decking, and in this life changing episode Robin and Rebecca Dive in the power of wrath, work to eliminate stress and anxiety, so lit and carefully and you'll get an idea of what the entire episode will give you hear that, now give it a lesson in a breath. Work really is just the action, of taking in inhales and acts hails, but doing it with a desired outcome. So to speak. So you know, there's breath were that is appropriate as when I called breath prescriptive so that you give someone a specific type of inhale and type of exile or hold in the breath, and it's done for x amount of cycles like a what's called of we're. Seven eight breath, which is an inhale for for a hold for four, an eight count exhale, which is good
for helping someone who can't sleep for reducing anxiety for someone who just needs to ground. Ok, you just heard a preview above go sacred robber. Mcgraw thanks for listening, remember to subscribe, follow and listen to I've. Gotta secretly, Robin Mcgraw on Apple podcast Spotify were here, ever your listening right now. We also talked about last week that therefore sub types here, those that are discouraged and clear the really impulsive once we're that's the primary care drastic. These are the ones that are energetic and charismatic. They can also be very cold and hostile, but there Lee Board. They take high risk behaviors. There are also the ones that are into self mutilation, sometimes and earn high risk for suicidal behaviour. There very resistant to treatment, there's the patch,
These are the ones that are angry, they feel very unworthy. They tend to have more eating disorders with this particular sub group, and then there are the self destructive there, the bitter self hatred these of the attack job seekers and talk about high risk behaviour. Caesar the reckless drivers drugs there promiscuous. lot of eating disorders here, so there are four different types and those are on the website, and I talked about it last week now Here's the thing that you need to understand about these folks are set to approach them with some compassion but boundaries. These folks don't experienced this in isolation, there's a lot of what we call co morbidity. It occurs with high frequency of anxiety, depression.
Eating disorders. As I mentioned a few minutes ago, PTSD it does occur. with bipolar its author diagnosed with they can have both they can have changed it happened within the hour or within a day. And they can also be bipolar where there are cycles that take much longer to cycle around that! Your often with a national education alliance for borderline personality disorder made this observation, and I thought it was really interesting so this is one of the disorders. That really needs and interpersonal relationships to express itself most of the time you could take schizophrenia, for example, and just parachute them on to the disease, did Ireland alone, and you would
ill, observe their schizophrenia, behaviour. let's say they had auditory or visual hallucinations. They would still have them The deserted island by themselves and You would be able to observe and see that if you had hidden, cameras, and you were monitoring them the border. and personality disorder you might not see nearly is readily because its so relationship dependent, it's based on how they interact with other people and there's nobody there to interact with it, wouldn't be as obvious. Now there this disturbance of identity of self, so there might still The evidence in the fact that they didn't know who they were as clearly didn't have a clear well defined self image, but that would be pretty in turn
and so you wouldn't see it as obviously, but I thought doktor half what had occurred observation, which he said. This is one of those disorders that relationship dependent you have to be in a relationship for to fully manifest itself. So you, I have some one that your observing in your life and of their not in a relationship may be there in. I t there working in computers or something and you don't absurd of them in a relationship. These things might not pop out until you start interacting with them, Were you start observing them in a relationship with somebody else out? We talk about some of the mess. I want a clear but those things up, then I want to talk to you about how to live with these people and how to cope with these people. One of the mess that
Here. A lot is that if somebody has werline personality than they ve been victimized as a child, they were victims of child abuse. That's not true there is a high incidence of child abuse with borderline personality disorder, but the research tells us that is more likely. A combination environmental factors, including childhood trauma. There may have been childhood but there are also biological factors and there are also social factors, so it's not just that they were abused as a child that sets them up for borderline personality. There are other things that contribute to it as well, so it's not just that and everyone on that suffered childhood abuse. Does it become a borderline personality disorder? So neither is true, not
All borderline personality disorders were abused as a child, and not all people that were abused. Children become borderline personality disorder, So, there's not a one to one connection between the two again: it seems to be a combination of factors and there is a biological genetic factor. There too, you can be more at risk if somebody in your family has suffered from the disorder is well. So it's not as simple as just was this person abuses. Child, so don't jump to that conclusion. One or the other man s end has been around a long time- and there are even some statistics to support it. But the statistics. Misleading, and that is that this shows up only in women or much much more frequently and women than it does in man. But when you do careful study.
The results show that it's about equal. between men and women now most of the research is based on the psychiatric population. and more women present for treatment, and do men and men are often times diagnosed as having something else. wrong with their manner, often misdiagnosis having depression or PTSD rather than borderline personality disorder. So there's an over representation of women in psychiatric population, not because
there are more women that have psychiatric disorders, just they tend to present for treatment more. Where is men tend to be more stoic and resist treatment more so they don't present themselves to be diagnosed and then, when they do present themselves, they are more frequently misdiagnosed for the co morbid things that show up with borderline personality. So do I tell you that this is just women review day someone or you have of man in your life. Brother husband bother yell, some relative or coworker, whatever. That's a man the music boy, I tell you, I and he sure seems to have all the characteristics or any of them. You may be exactly right, because this isn't just women it's about fifty fifty between men and women,
the third math I want to talk about is. This is not tradable. That's wrong! Idiocy, tradable mentioned last week that two after linen, whose one of the leading experts in Berlin person I'll. Just order made the comment if she ever show up M paraphrasing her now, if you ever show up in the emergency room- and you have the diagnosis, Overload personality disorder, don't mention it because there's more stigma associated with borderline personality disorder than almost anything else, and if you EL some ii are in turn that you have borderline personality this order, there likely go out. Ok, I get it
and right. You often not take seriously what you have to say because they know that you're impulsive. They know that you dramatize. They know that you take everything, So personally, and over exaggerate so they're gonna discount the things that you say is like little boy cried wolf they're not gonna, listen to you and you have really wrong with you. So she wasn't getting when she's here Firstly, the one led with that or you might not get taken very seriously, because people think it's a very serious disorder and one that you can't really help that these people don't get better and that's not true. It is tradable and a lot of questions from people that felt like they were raised by apparent that hair,
borderline borderline personality disorder just had a lot of questions about. How does this affect me? If I've been raised by someone like that? Have I been programmed your doctor Phil, you said it wasn't. This childhood trauma drama was also biological Emma genetically programme to have this. What have they done to me by me being raised by some one? as these traits and characteristics that you ve been describing. What do I need to watch for a model equally the passes along to my own kids. How do I stop this generational thing? There's you're Cynthia Newman, that's done of research on how children of borderline personality disorders need to cope and what they need to watch for
Borderline personality disorder parents are often threatened. by their very own children and airline personalities. Have a defence mechanism called splitting its defence mechanism where they tend to see things black or white. It's either all good or all bad. There's no middle grew. It's called splitting in look it up and read about. It is very interesting, but they things into categories and remember so these people live in emotional extremes. So, if you're doing with a boiler, personality, one of their defence mechanisms, is two categorize things in black or white. These are all good or all bad that's a way that they side weathers
Something is ok or it's not ok. And they write it off accordingly, and if they put you in the all bad category, you get written off and they do that with their children. They could have lunch That they decide is all good and the other child is all bad and if you're the all bad, then you can feel written off by your parent and reason. Is you were you were written off by your parent because they put you in that category and that's going to damage your self worth is going to damage her self esteem. You're not going to feel appreciate it Now being raised by this kind apparent, can cause the child to become anxious, confused, fearful and entrusting. Why? Because their parents not predictable, they think ok, what minute. The parent is all happy and loving and it can be fifteen minutes
they're in their raging at them or blame, giving them for everything that they, the parent, are feeling or everything. That's going wrong in the parents, life they're, blaming on the child, and so the child is confused, just like what the hell just happened. What did I do? Why am I causing my parents so much anguish here? And I know it's me, They told me it was so if their splitting and put you in the all bad category and then during their telling you You are to blame for all ills in their life. Then you come out. feeling a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and really damaged in your personal truth, your personal truth. What you believe about yourself at the core of your so called you're being has taken a real beating, and so that means
you're very likely to see the world is a threatening place, you're very likely to feel hopelessly lost and chill and of borderline personalities feel like they have to separate from their parents in order to survive and guess what he here right, You need to get away from that kind of programming. That kind of input that kind of battering that kind of emotional abuse. The sooner you can get away from that and get into a safe nurturing play. The better off you are, sir, you can safely do that, the better off you are here I ve been raised. This way get real oh good, at reading other people, because you become hyper sensitized too,
watching your borderline parent, because you're watching for this mood change, you wanna, know wind duck and run when defined somewhere else to be and to get out of this situation where you don't have to put up with all of the wailing in black meaning and shaming and crying and that so you learned a watch and reed, but they don't learn to measure of their own internal emotions. They, learn to measure what's real within themselves and pay attention to have their feelings. They dont label their own emotions. They realize I'm feeling a lotta shame here and so their real good reading other people, but not real good at reading themselves. They do have strong feelings of shame. There's allow.
Co dependency there, because their reflecting this caregiver. mother or father. That's in gay Jeanne them sucking. The mere children found a hard time setting up boundaries, so they get sucked by this instability terribly and as I say, if you're on a bad sign that splitting boy can be really really tough. If you're living with a borderline personality parent you been raised by borderline personality, apparent think about it you'll spot These things you have you looked back now, they'll describe brutalities is being completely safe or total cod go out with this person. They'll, let him be your friend. They'll describe France is either evil and crooked or just absolute sites. These reduced angel surges
perfect when they hear something here, we ve been through the pandemic and you ve got a lot of people talking about covert, and should you wear masks or not, should you get vaccinated or not. Should you quarantine or not etc. Splitting their guard aside. This is They're a complete lie or its absolute gospel. They won't take it all in the way the preponderate said the evidence and make a decision based on the different facts about. We await them carefully thoughtfully and make an informed decision. No, no, no, no they're going to decide. This is either the absolute gospel truth or its. I come Poli lie, again they live in the emotional extremes. Be dismayed watch out for it and know that this is something that
can be traded if you ve been raised by a person like this, or you know somebody that can just now that they do respond to treatment and what is the treatment? Well, it's a form of cognitive, behavioral therapy dialectical. behavior therapy is in evidence, base therapy that day I have some good success. Borderline personalities. Now, I'm not saying that secure this and all of a sudden it just goes away. But D b t is a cognitive behaviour therapy, with added strong emphasis on change, acceptance and acceptance on balance, change.
We're talking about identity and change of negative internal dialogue and pushing for positive behavioral change, and what I mean by identifying and change. negative internal dialogue. Is you get the person to listen to what they're saying to themselves? Because if you heard the internal dialogue of a borderline personality disorder, individual theirs. a lot of catastrophic things to themselves and I'm a big believer in the power of language and ask yourself what you're saying to yourself You use a lot of catastrophic language. Are you the kind of person that says that was this horrible? My day was horrible? Well, words are very
powerful and they bring a lot of meeting with them, a lot of baggage with them and of use, they something all there was the most horrible day of my life. It was terrible. It was just catastrophic. Those are big words, as opposed to, was very annoying day Dwayne horrible and annoying are really different. When you stop and think about, some horrible is having old if burns over seventy percent of your body, that's horrible, having to put with its annoying person sitting next to you, work who talks all the time and bugs you that's, not horrible, that's inconvenient, that's annoying, so part of dialectical behaviour therapy is.
Getting the person to listen to what they're saying to themselves identifying what, they say themselves. That's really negative, you're, no good! Nobody likes you everybody's abandoning you. This was horrible, was terrible and changing that and in pushing for positive behavioral changes behaving their way to success. There is also a focus on distress, tolerance. It focuses on acceptance of situation it is what it is deal with it. It's not trying to. Smoke if say: ok, everything's, fine, everything's, not fine in life. and there's a lot of value in learning to accept the fact that every things not fine and toughening up where you have some tolerance for distress.
So you don't fold in the face of any kind of adversity. Dvd helps these people, particularly those With borderline personalities to not overreact, to say, ok, that was not good, but I can handle that it raises their tolerance for distress where they dont melt down And ball apart emotionally, whenever they face adversity, they come up with change. Oriented strategies: here's how we're gonna do this differently. You used to do a we're, gonna learn how to do be and they teach interpersonal effectiveness as part of this therapy.
Here's how to handle your relationships in a way that are much better for you, then what you ve been doing. A big part of this is what called mindfulness and This is often where each session will begin. You develop the ability to observe and accept. versus judging and avoiding the think about that, observe and accepted going on in your life in your relationships at your job at home. You observe it.
Ok, I see what's going on here and I'm going to learn to accept that instead a judge it and run from it. That's what I mean about distress, towers. Mindfulness is a big part of this awareness of the moment. You live in the moment, and You learn to accept it. You focus on the moment and accept your feelings, thoughts and your body sensations and say: ok, I'm ok! With this. I can live with this, this is kind of a meditative exercise. Were body behave? your emotional awareness without judgment. You might say
get anxious when I come into a room because I'm so used to being rejected and abandon that I get this anticipatory anxiety. Well, ok, all right! We're not telling you! You know what we're telling you is acknowledged that and learn to live with it. We're trying to tell you to pretend that Happen then, it happens than ok list learned to observe that and accept it. If you walk in the room and it happens and you ve learned to observe and accept did you say. Ok, this is anxiety that I knew was gonna happen. It always happens. and it always there is always a bates after a little time. So I'm gonna accept this. Not good judge. You did the stairs. Maybe I learn how to deal with this at some point right now, I'm just going to observe it. I'm Goin accepted you identify these differ
emotions without self criticism, whether they should be or not. They just are think about. That gives us good for everybody. In my opinion, whether you are dealing with a borderline personality or not, sometimes we just have to accept what is this is it? This is part of our life and we have to raise our distress, tolerance levels and I have to say I think the world could really benefit from raising our distress tolerance right now, because it seems like we're pretty hair triggered, and I think if everybody could toughen up a little bit not be so hair triggered in so quick to be offended even at our cell
We would be better off it's about the here and now it's not about focusing on the past of the future is not judging yourself for the past. You always do this. You ve done this a million times, I'm so sick, a you, don't know we're not going there. We're not gonna live in the past year. There's a reason. That you rearview mirror is so small and your windshield is so big. Rearview mirror focuses on what's behind you and that when she, let's all the wide in to the moment of where you are right now and that's what we want to focus on, is right now.
Focusing on the moment really helps you get into stress reduction, so there is a way to teach borderline personality disorders to be less react even more accepting of them cells and others and research tells us. This is what called in evidence base therapy, meaning that there is evidence that this therapy does have positive results for those that have this disorder, that our talk, thus reducing dove here are some. whose, if you have borderline personality people in your life or you are a borderline personality- do get educated. You do want to learn about this disorder and the thing is
You got a laptop Ipad, smartphone computer, your walking around with a library. You know. Library is big: building with books in it we used to have to go there to get information. Now we can discuss a bunch it up and read it. You want to educate yourself, knowledge is power and if you can educate, Yourself about this disorder, it will help you cope with it, whether it's? U dealing with somebody else or dealing with yourself, you do want to get personal help or support, because you have to take care of yourself is particularly important if you're living with some one that has borderline personality any
say doctor feel you're my help line. I dont have money to go to a therapist or whatever. Ok. Maybe this is your education and there are support groups out there. You can find a manly internet people that live with, I'm personalities that were raised by borderline personalities, but the important thing is you ve got to take care of yourself. When you are dealing with a borderline personality, you wanna use open, ended questions in what I call a two way: communication model that will take a minute to spend on this. You dont want to ash yes or no questions. You wanna ask open,
ended questions an example. Is you can say what you want them to hear you saying, but you need to finish it with tell me what you hear me saying. because if you don't, you have no idea how they have interpreted. What you ve said you may say a listen! I'm going to have to cancel our plans this weekend because my mom called and she's coming in town, so I'm going to have to entertain her this weekend. So is that okay, that's not an open, ended question. Does you're gonna get a yes or no? That's! Ok! Yes,
You don't know what they heard. You say how they interpreted what you said. You may have said my mom's coming in this weekend, and so I'm going to need to spend time with her and have dinner for her Saturday night at the house. Instead of meeting you and going to a movie and dinner okay, We are sure what they may have heard you say and how they may interpret. That is I'm tired of you. I don't want to spend time. If you anymore, you're, not good enough for me, I'm not going to spend any more time. resting in you and I'm late. giving you like everybody else in your life, has ok however, that is not what I said, though,
what they heard and in a two way communication model. There's a feedback loop where you say tell me what you heard me say, then you may say: well that's kind of a fancy business, no its not just explain and then say among your mom this weekend. So tell me: what's your hearing me say if you said: do you understand that would be yes or no? You ve got to finish it with tell me what year hearing me say, give me some feedback and there they will reveal. Well, I hear you say: I'm somebody's What more do you, I am well whoa whoa whoa up it's not what I said is about timing. My there's coming here. I see you fifty two weeks a year I see her two weeks a year, so I need to spend time with her,
I'm gonna really ask that you support that for me and not take that personal want you to understand that, can you tell me what I'm feeling here? Can you tell me why I would say that to you get that feedback loop? It's two way: communication, that's very important! You do want to encourage responsibility, don't fix everything for these people. You want encourage responsibility, do take threat seriously. Every single time you hear them from a borderline personality if they make threats above had all this I can take August. I don't even want to be in this world anymore. That's away,
suicidal threat do take that seriously. The suicide prevention hotline is one eight hundred to seven three, eight to five five one, eight hundred to seven three, eight to five five or nine one one, and you may think, look there just pull in my chain. This is emotional extortion. they're, just trying to leverage me so I'll do what they want me to do. You may be right, but you're not qualified to make that decision. I'm not sure anybody is it's a myth that people who talk about it don't. Do it and I'll tell you what isn't a myth is that a lot of suicidal death is accidental people didn't really mean to kill themselves. It was really a cry for help. It was really manipulation, but they miscalculated how quickly the drugs acted or how
dangerous. What they were doing was in terms of driving or using a host of pop carbon monoxide into car or whatever they just miscalculated the lethality of what they were doing. Well, we're, gonna call you to come rescue them and whoops you didn't pick up. They got voice males, the really call back in a minute, but then they got to groggy and drop their phone taken. seriously every time. If somebody makes that threat to you, then just sitting right. There were them call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Speaker boxes were blocked, somebody that is qualified to deal with it or call on one one and they will send the sheriff out there that will do well to check.
They may take them to the hospital in him evaluated by psychologist or a psychiatrist. do encourage these people to get in to treatment and support them when they do. You wanna get educated, but you also want to get help for others do set boundaries. It's really important that you set boundaries because they will pull you in an pull. You dad And do try to manage your response because they are to blame you There are three sees you need to hang on to hear you didn't cause. If you can't curate and you can't control it. So know that this is above your pay grade. The three
you didn't cause it. You can't curate, you can't control it. You have to manage your response here. You can't go into the shame tat. You can't go into the guilt tat when they put that guilt trip on you cause. You didn't cause this and dont burden yourself with fixing it you're, not the one to fix it. I said it will respond to treatment, but you heard me describe dvd. These are high. Highly trained professionals that conduct this type therapy that helps these people live there willing to get the help and you're not
qualified to do that. Now, it's really important that you keep yourself separate from this, because you know I mentioned that there were four tops of the borderline personality, the discouraged or quiet, impulsive, petulant and self destructive, but there's something that's And all four of these types- and that is there's a relationship dynamic that goes on there, someone that's primary and some by the secondary and there's the borderline primary and the borderline secondary in families for it, apple. The parents are usually primary and the kids are secondary at work.
rolls aren't always is clear. I've seen primary borderline behaviour in some one that might be reporting to use their supervisor and have then seen Boss actually being secondary, the one is being manipulated so. You ve got a really pay attention to. If you Have a borderline purse reality in your life. That's pulling on your emotions, sets pulling on behavior. That's doing all the things that we talked about in the beginning. These people that have these rapid changes impulsivity is over reactivity, they're, just right
Or cultures emotionally, so here's what I want you to ask yourself. who has borderline behaviour in your life and stop and think about that. Right now, right down the ten key relationships in your life. You best friends, your closest coworkers, the siblings, at you interact with the most your mother, your father of you, interact with them a lot, your spouse, whatever right down the top core relationships in your life and then go down. That lists can ask yourself, are any of these people, people that I would have
say, possess a lot of these characteristics that we ve talked about in terms of borderline personality disorder. I mean instability in relationships, moods Save your identity, fear of abandonment, chronic fear of bee left over reactivity impulsivity. Those things are their people on this list of ten people. that are uniquely unstable that vastly change in short period of time that get relationships really deep, really fast, and then they fall apart. Justice quickly, people with fear of abandoned
pattern of unstable relationships, identity, disturbance, impulsivity and self destructive, behaviors self harm, extreme emotional instability, chronic feelings of emptiness explosive anger. Transient stress, related paranoid ideation, go through the ten core relationships and ask yourself Do I have these people in my life and what is it doing to me and are they pitching? Are they throw in this stuff at me all the time all the time? Are they doing that and you have to decide I'm going to stand up for myself, I'm going to have healthy boundaries, I'm going to do the things that we talked about only to do list. I am going to maintain those boundaries. I'm going to encourage
Them to get help I'm going to take care of myself. Now. Let's talk about what some of the donuts are, don't get sucked into their constant need for attention. Don't play the game, they will suck you dry. They are a bottomless pit, don't take things personally, don't be crushed when they blame. You and accuse you of abandoning them hurting them betraying them. You can't take that personal they're, the ones it take it personal. No, this is who they are. It's not what you do remember. I said three sees you didn't cause it, so you can't take things personally, just because they are accusing you and pointing their finger at you. You can't be crushed by them.
don't start to normalize their dramatic behaviour and ignore your intuition when it says it is not ok for them to do what they're doing, if you're seeing them be promiscuously of your seeing them take risky behaviour, yours if you're seeing them do things that you did know when you hard. This is just not okay, but they ve done it so much that Judas start normalizing it in your mind, because you say I'm just not going to react to this every time, so I just start accepting it
Is this normal? Is too they are, it is who they are, but it is it normal, so don't start to normalize their dramatic behaviour. It's not ok if he goes out and sleeps where the different girl every three days, because he gets so deep into relationships so fast that he actually avoids intimacy. It's not ok. If she's, promiscuous and sleeps with everybody, she meets. That's not ok for him or her. It's not! Ok. If they're doing risky behaviour, drugs, alcohol, driving under the influence, those things are not ok, those are high risk behaviors that puts them in jeopardy because,
Don't value themselves do not allow boundary crossing when you put up a boundary- and you say: ok, we're not going there were stop and right here, you're not going to call me at three o clock. morning with your drama, don't allow it don't always go the extra mile and b that go to person for them to bet with, don't be the one that they call every single time and you may say: look I want to be a good friend. I've known him
since the third grade I want to be there for them know you're an abling them. You don't want to do that, don't believe they're going to snap out of it don't care what they say. If they say. Okay, look, I know, you're mean you're, so great and you've been there for me, and I promise you so last time. Not gonna do this. Yes, they are there not go snap out of it and you can wear your cell phone you can get up at three in the morning. You can sit up with him and cried till sunlight. You can sure them a thousand times that you're not betraying them, that you do love them. They're, not gonna change, They're, not gonna change cause, you can't fix it, they need
professional help encourage that support that when they do it now, I dont want to contradict myself because I said don't get sucked into their constant need for attention and validation of don't play that game. Make it very clear that you love this person, make it very clear how you feel that year there for them, if you love them, but once you ve made that clear, you don't need to tell them. Ten thousand times is like someone with an aiding disorder, which
very common in borderline personality, constantly asking their mate or their mom or their dad. Do I look fat today as soon as you start playing that game? They'll, ask you a thousand times why cuz they want reassurance and using well. If I tell them no, then they'll relax and not be so focused on it and only want what they want you to do is tell him again in three minutes. If they don't look fat today, they get addicted to the reassurance, and then they stopped believing you and now. Need more, you can't fix this they're not going to snap out of it. They're not gonna, grow out of it
go to snap out of it they're going to improve with qualified treatment, and it's going to time and it's not gonna be all or none they're going to make some progress if they get in treatment and they stick with they're going to improve in some areas for wild be some other areas for awhile and are going to have difficulties and inner gonna have to really work at it. Some more maybe be of its spouse. Couples therapy will be appropriate, but make this list of ten people go down it and see. If you have people in your life
That have these traits and characteristics. Now, I'm not asking you to self diagnosis, I'm not asking you to play diagnostician, I'm just asking you to look and see if you feel like these behaviors are present in your life, and you need to set boundaries. That's what I'm asking you to do. Do you need to set boundaries, and if you need to set boundaries, then that's the thing that you need to do. Now, there's a whole lot more than I could go into with this or something called the carbon drama triangle about being Persecutor rescuer victim and how you get caught in the sloop look about trying to conduct a college course here. I'm just trying to tell you. That this personality disorder exist like
eighteen million people in the country that have this disorder. You may encounter people that have this in whole or in part? And if you do, then I just want you to be prepared to recognise it and know what you need to do to protect yourself. You need to take care of yourself. You may need to listen to this a couple of times cuz. I throw a lot information, a lot of data at you, but the whole purpose of this is for you to protect yourself and two of the most predatory personality Borders are the narcissist in the Bible
or disorder. That's why I've started with these, because these are the people that you need to recognise and protect yourself against the most. So if you need to listen to these over and over, so you recognize it and not get manipulated victimised by it and do so. That's the only reason I'm doing this is because you ask for this information. So please please, please do so now. I'm We're gonna put some shorter versions answering some of your questions up for you guys to listen to us their devoting an entire podcast too, like how do you break up with these people? What, if you're in a divorce situation where these people, what are you
say to your kids. If you are a borderline parent, you recognize that now and you want to try to repair some of the damage that may have been done. I'll answer all those questions. Cuz I've been getting them emailed to me. I'll, probably put those up and some shorter versions of the top ten questions about borderline personality or top ten questions about narcissism. Maybe I'll put those up and answer him. Look, I'm not the repository of all knowledge. I don't know all the answers to all the questions, but I'm a good researcher and I have a good, solid, fundamental understanding of these personality disorders, and then I go get the information I need from the people that are vertically developed in this area that is spent their whole career. This one particular disorder I talked to them. I call him a visit with them. I read their research and translating it passing it on to you.
No, I'm really enjoying doing this and I hope you are enjoying listening and watching and learning. So again. I hope you had a good thanksgiving I'll talk to you soon. Take
Transcript generated on 2021-11-30.