Dr. Phil and Coach Mike Bayer, the New York Times best-selling author of Best Self: Be You, Only Better, go LIVE and take questions from listeners! On this special episode, Dr. Phil and Coach Mike get real about suicide, the opioid crisis, cyber bullying and how parents should draw the line on their teen’s privacy. To see this full video: http://bit.ly/DrPhilLive or go to https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/ See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
They start to fill a new or listening to fill in the blanks,
I'm glad you're here. This is our first live broadcast and have a guest here today it is mine.
Bear you guys know. I'm probably is coach MIKE from Doktor Fisher.
And he is the author of the smash best seller, best
of the? U only better
say smash. This thing opened up on the New York Times best seller less than it has been there and stay there
It has really had an impact on a map
and on the way people are thinking about who they are in today,
we talk in the MIKE and we're gonna, be talking about social issues. We're gonna, be taken your questions and we're going to
talking about things that, I think, are really germane really pertinent to. What's going on in America today,
They should be in here for Avonlea. Tell me about yourself: you wrote this book.
You did it? Why why I wrote the spoke with your encouragement,
Of course, it s got a really good forward to it by the way,
by the way forward by Doktor film, a girl, that's ok, everyone listening in our own eye for someone.
Didn't do on English. I didn't do on school,
went up and then having doktor fill you telling me you need to write a book because you have a lot to say when it
talk about feeling, anxious and bring me back.
How am I gonna come we're gonna write this thing and you doctor Phil,
extremely helpful. In Coachee me, I was a dog or fill my coach. You help me out tremendously. With I mean the amount of emails, I sent you just random sentences,
yeah he's here you ever. They read, observes brain of thoughts at inspirations but turned out spectacular and I'm so proud of it and it's
a body of work that I know has been tremendous and helping people will, you should
proud of it, and I know that Europe editor that
worked with our was LISA Clark and she was a real big
help on this in helping to organize your thoughts in and my
imports of kudos to her. You talk in here
a malicious get this out, because we can talk about it during our conversation. Dear you talk about why
concept, which is best self and anti self, and define
and best self for people best self. Is that part of us? That is what I would call authentically. There's no fear there is love, compassion, trust its when we feel like we're
operating at our best, and usually we are different moments in our life. We can look back and we can go. We say to ourselves man, I love life life's, really working out,
and I'm handling things in a mature way. I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of my family
no, it's all those thoughts and feelings.
Really line up with operating that our best and so
We do, is we name it and I always find that its helpful to create and get inspired around? Who is that best version of ourselves right out those characteristics and everyone has a different version of when they feel like the runner vessel, and I think it's really helpful for people
identify what that is for them in the reality is we all have to do things we don't want to do I mean psychology is called the pre MAC principle. We do certain things,
we don't want to do to have access
Do the things we do want to do. That's why kids eat their vegetables before they ate their dessert? That's why they do their homework before they get to watch the Simpsons or whatever that's payment. We do what we don't want to do to have access to what we do want to do and the truth is washed up,
made up of, is doing everything you want to do right so Bessie.
Does it mean you just get to do everything you want to do right in
I think what it's also extremely confusing
in two days time around what is considered being your best south and what is considered being authentic.
When someone's on social media and we're looking at somebody dissuade pictures of themselves?
talking about whatever it is they're talking about, I think he s really confusing for anyone. Looking at that to feel like, I don't. I don't feel that type away that doesn't match up with my life and what I wanted to do,
as for people to realise a really special, everyone is unique everyone at their core as a bright light.
Shining inside and to figure out how do we lie that? How do we light that up for them, so they ever
a map to live what's authentic for them. What is your take on authenticity? Well to me?
I think the fear that I have for anybody, that's not being authentic is that there is,
to do a certain thing. They are meant to be a certain kind of person. There me
to use a certain scale. Sat there meant to have a certain job
vocation avocation, whatever their met,
have some role in this world, but they don't do that. They do something else that they ve been expect,
to do maybe it's assigned by their parents or expected by them.
Community or expected by their family and here's ears, my greatest fear
like let's say, you're, an accountant or a carpenter, and you become the best accountant or carbon
you're that anybody has ever known or see and you it
Eve that in your life and you
to the under your life, and you say, while I became the best carpenter that anybody could ever want, but it's not
you wanted to be- you succeeded at doing something you didn't want to do right,
Maybe you wanted to be a ballet dancer baby. You wanted to be a singer. Maybe you wanted, but you succeeded at something. You didn't tell you, because you were expected to do it. I think two for a lot of people. That's how do you start creating you know? How do you start creating inspiration? How do you start creating a new story? How do you start creating a new life and I think a lot of people attached it instead of just being in
tired and creating to create they'll, attach it to only going to make money out of this. What's the outcome going to be- and I think look for me, as you know, on set on Thursday off seventeen year sober so twenty two years old, I was addicted and extremely long
my wife and had no hope and didn't even understand why I ended up in a spot where everything was dark and I didn't I can stand myself and- and here I was wont to play College Boswell, Fordham, captain the basketball team, and then you know fast forward, I'm just looking at it
On reflection, I myself. Thirteen year sobriety is something to be proud of our guarantee and that's about how long I've been on the air right and that so that
feels like a long time to me that you been so so I can.
That you on that. Thank you. But right now we have one of the biggest crises
in America in the drug culture
We therefore had with Sophie oil crisis, and I think part of it is because of what
talking about right. Now, all the people what I've talked to that get addicted to drugs. Nobody ever start taking drugs to get addicted right. Nobody ever star striking
taking drugs, so they can get sick. You play don't
I am so they have to have em. They start taken him for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's two party, maybe it's to escape baby, it's for
gentlemen, reasons to control pain after an injury or surgery of eight people start for a lot of different
visions that I often say things frequently start.
For one reason and continue for another, and so
start drugs for a lot of different reasons, and I think one of
reasons that people take drugs is to us
escape their life to dull the pain
of the mundane us of their life or the inn, authenticity of their life or the reality that they're not doing what they want to do, because if
You are living your best self if you're doing something that you are passionate about, that white you up every day, we're coming years. Yours
passionate about yearning, want to sleep issues like you just go to use one sleep faster and get back up right. Then you don't want to take drugs.
Get back in and get high on music or are were ass, let a sore
be it a mom or what
ever it is that light you up, and so you don't.
Need to numb yourself. You dont need to get an artificial high and I
just know that a lot of people.
Have told me: they take drugs to dull the pain of their life
and what's missing in their life in that's, because they're not living their best self, which is why
I so encourage you to write this book because I thought it was
oh timely, we're at epidemic status with the opium Lloyd's right man. I mean it's it's taking over that, unlike worded epidemics, a big word made if we were talking about,
your flu epidemic that was killing people or whatever they had become and around like, we gotta- have a vaccination for this we're gonna to something but the opium crisis.
We're way under reacting to it and I think a lot of its because people are unfulfilled. I think you're, saying reason why people are using open,
it is because we are trying to do the pain. Why there's one at all emotion or are they just wanna residing on people? Do it to party having some people do because they got em? They got him from a doctor when the
or post surgical and they made them, and then they just cutting it. Gotta
hold on a minute allotted rivalries after we got lunch last week and after we I once we're. U, we talked about hey. Let's talk about. What's going on the opium Lloyd Epidemic in America,
And what I did as I then went by, which have never done this before I felt like I was going under cover
I'm always shows is I went by and I have it in my wallet I went by urging care
and I was like our I will. Let me see it that hard to get pain pills, because we were talking about this to ease
you get these things. How easy it is to get em and it's too easy to get em, so you ran an experiment. I
an experiment, and I went to a urgent care. A random merging care
ever been there. I walked in
I was kind of nervous possess. I'm going. I don't like lying. You know it's is uncomfortable, but I was likely to who want to see what this is like an end. So I I sat down with the US.
Doctor and I said I have really bad back pain and I have a psychotic.
And I'm gosh. I'm just you know it's, I can hardly walk, I'm not the best actor, but I I tried just to see. Is it that easy to get them? And she asked me a few other questions and then, before you know it, she wrote me a script for
workers seriously no x ray.
to do an examination
No, she just asked me where the pain was an end. I you know, and I
just said, I'm in a lot of pain, it's really uncomfortable on
So you walking off the street,
chatter, up chatted, doktor up.
And she gives you an open oil prescription last week
for how many twenty Norka us twenty. Nor goes.
And what was the strength? Many, what? What are these
the handwriting, but
but the boy was only one eye when it. I think I want on Friday. So just a few days ago,.
I don't want to throw this clinic under the now. We're not gonna do to find the clinic. But the point: is there the five three twenty five so
five milligrams, three twenty five, so this is full strength right,
that she gave you here now:
examination no object.
Finding out who gave it to you gave it to me. I said that I had a lot of back issue
Susan. I had had an mri in the past and allow this was true by the way. Not I
add back pain and an mri, but she even said
back and get a refill. She gave me medication for the constipation that happens when you take opiates so that I could still go to the bathroom. Actually, you know I'm not going to
away my seventeen yourselves worse off, replicating up office. I myself up but
I just goes to show how easy it is and then, if I were to go the pharmacy with this prescription, my insurance
but I may be a co pay and then I would have you know narcos and its
easy, and so you say: ok, well, you know, there's plenty of people and real pain who need pain, pills, there's a lot of people that
we have tried everything in this is really the answer. The problem with opiates is it's not just in
emotionally, addictive its incredibly physically addictive and in very difficult to get off of painful. You know without the right detox protocol, so I just thought: I'd run this little experiment to see just how easy it is to score,
there are some huge there's, a whole cottage industry of litigation about this right now, because these,
authority it. I guess what, in the nineties, with the secular family that came up with the patent on
These Opie oil drilling was actually cotton at the time and it was
move by the FDA in now
in these six and this
as for moderate, too severe pain, and it was basically, I think
designed for cancer patients, but
the all the material said this is not dangerous is not particularly addictive and right now there
are a bundle of sixteen hundred Opie cases that are being,
overseen by a federal court judge in Cleveland and his family has been
old into him.
And there are a lot of farmers. Pharmaceutical companies have been.
Then this, because you are saying that there miss.
Represented the risk misrepresented. The addictive nature of all this, and so the shine to hold accountable these pharmaceutical companies
I ve been pushing these and there
Looking at how theyve incentivize doctors to
scribe these things and
taken him on trips and given them big rewards and
the more they write, the more they get and it's just been unbelievable, and some of this has got into the level of criminal prosecution.
That has been so bad and so, as a result, we ve got a country. Now that is just really suffering from an epidemic. You want the five most
This addictive substances are in a world thumb number
one is heroin. Number two is cocaine. Number three: is nicotine number four or barbecue its downers five caffeine in discussing number five? Is alcohol or those of the five most addictive substances in the world while and an there in quick supply and we're seeing a complete
Lee different breed of attic now, because so many people are getting addicted to the Lp Lloyd's, which is alive,
the prescription, but they're so expensive that they switch Distrait Heroin, which is much cheaper. But who knows what they're getting,
not regulated. You don't know what you're getting on the street is just completely out their young and not pure. It's not clean stifling. What are you, what are you see is are what what are some solutions? Do you think to our what's goin on
well, you just identified a big part of it. I mean you walk into a urgent care than these,
Jack in the boxes are great to have, but there
on every corner of. You can walk in there without any objective findings and just complain of pain, and somebody write you a prescription for these Opie Lloyd's, my god.
That's ridiculous, because research tells us if you're still using Opie Lloyd's at the seventh day mark,
Your chance of being addicted in one year is one in twelve
you're still using them at the thirty day mark your chance of being addicted is almost one in three. So it doesn't take long messing with these things to be addicted ranks. So it's dangerous and that's why I thought it was great that you wrote best self whenever you did
So talk about Anti self, so anti self is that part of us that's keeping us from being our best self, so are anti self I like to define it give characteristics name it it's on
like the altar ego inside of ourselves that get, and everyone has one you know. If your human, you have one doktor filled at it, you did it.
Along with a lot of other people on it, so we start the challenge may first, which is the best self challenge which you share, your best self in Anti self, and we ve had very interesting disruptions and photos of peoples.
And myself, I think it's a really important to know what your anti self is, so that you can reduce the impact or the effects of that part of you. That is ultimately going to make you
the unhappy, and it's that part of us it is driven by all different forms of fear, whether its fear of not being good enough or rejected
or not, lovable or not Levine, or that people can take advantage of us what
it is everyone has that part of us that takes away from us being our best self
Any of you know that you recognise your aunt self when it pops up right. Let's take a question,
this is question number two that came
and it is from lorry v, and
she was recalled replying and if you have a question you can go to add: doktor fail, podcast and tweet.
The question why these says you
it with a wide variety of cases over the years. So it's no surprise that there has been an increase,
in the number of cases of Anne S, S, eye and suicide. Why do you
think that he is and how do we stop the number of incidences of incidents ear right of
I have worked with a wide variety of cases, and you know.
When you talk about people that harm themselves, and you talk to the people that survive this
And asked him why,
you get some real, straightforward answers in probably the number one answer that I get from people as they feel like they're, a burden they get to the point where they feel like they a burden to the people
that or in their lives, and those people would be better off if they were just gone, and so they think. Ok,
If I can, if I can unburden them, if I can
lighten their load. That's one thing
I can do for them, because I'm not contributing anything so
in a moment it makes sense to do
I'll say at the same time very few people that I've talked to that at the time.
Suicide made a serious attempt. Suicide and failed. Very few people are sorry that it failed
most of them say after the fact. I'm glad I didn't succeed, I'm glad I didn't, kill myself right because
What they really wanted was not to die, but for the pain to stop.
What they really wanted was to not feel like a burden to not heard any more to not be in
such a trap anymore and when they get the attention to
such a situation, their circumstances they needed and get some more coping,
feels they realize. I didn't
to do that, and we are glad that there still here and they recognize what pain it would create for the people that they left behind. They think I'd. I was gonna do this,
as I felt like, I was a burden. I now realize what a burden I would have left these people with in terms of guilt and pain and anger and bitterness,
in all of those negative feelings. If I'd kill myself
left them with all that emotion
a residue after the fact, and they had been nothing they could do about cause. I would be gone so you know
here then, if you're somebody out there, this listening, that is,
in considering this or you think
you know somebody that is considering it
We tell you it is. It is a patently bad idea and.
If you really don't want to do it and help is available.
Call the national suicide Hotline and by the way, when you call a hotline like that, you
I'm saying: ok, I'm gonna get a lot of pressure or they're. Gonna go
Baker Contact my family or whatever. That's not true. When you call
you dont trace your phone number, they don't come, kick your door down, they listened and they talk to you. They answer your questions. They give you information
The most important thing is that you understand you're, not alone you're
salute not alone. There are people that Jenny,
when we care there are people
but I've been where you are. So, if you
feeling that way reach out you
we have the right to kill yourself. You don't have the right to
Other people were those feelings when you're gone and various hail.
You're not alone, and you need to reach out for it and don't be afraid that they're going to put pressure on you because they're not- and I just sat down with someone a few weeks ago, who jumped off the four hundred and five eight stories up and everything kind of an internally just popped and for whatever reason he tried to land on his head and he didn't and he survived, and I sat with a few wish. It was a year later since the incident he said the best thing was surviving. The best thing is whole outlook on life. You can't believe what you know. He couldn't believe what he was doing and now he's using a story as an inspiration, and I think a lot of people have to realize that life's a roller coaster. You know this moment that darkness that happens is a moment and the way life works is there will be opportunities or,
That's where you're going to get into the light. So I, like your mentioning calling these hotlines talking to someone telling people how you feel is is a step on the way out, because the smallest
obeys world may be ears. If somebody's lessening smaller your world may feel, there's a lot of people out there that when you to live, I'm going, you too have and are there in that it exists
It's suicide is a topic that I find that it becomes it's one of those stocking Doktor John Turban who's on the Advisory Board for Doktor Phil,
right from Harvard Medical School from our American caused acronym talkin everyone. Last week everything went on last weekend and he's writing a new book on suicide, and it we were talking about how it's one of those topics that people don't really want to talk about. It's kind of so shocking that when people see somebody even attempt they kind of distant themselves,
and that you know it's a real thing and it needs to be brought to light, and
he has a real mission of helping people who are young adults, because there's been an increase of suicide amongst
students, and so you know
think just the more awareness and in you ve done such a good job of shedding light on these topics its
and this is mental health awareness month, and I think it would be good if my vision kind of where I wish things would get to his, where mental health is just inclusive for everybody like where we can just talk about these
different topics and where there is not shame and there's not killed and there's not blame. You know what we're on the topic,
suicide, lily to heavy topic. But let me say this
I say of you see something say something and I always add to it: do something you see some
say something and then do something:
about a couple of the Mississippi aside suicide one is that people that talk about it dont. Do it that's a myth, people that talk about it are at risk. They do in fact make suicide attempts, and so
don't think that they're just attention seeking if they say it, don't worry about them. It's those that that done.
Say something you need to worry about. That's a mess, so dont think that an
You are around somebody that has
really been depressed and has really been talking.
Suicide, and then, for
no reason they ve got no help.
Nothing has been resolved. Nothing
he has changed, but
all of a sudden there?
in a really good mood. You need to be concerned because its,
what I call a short term measures attitude. It's like they ve
made up their minds to leave this world, so they
their solution and they
oh they're, short term, so there's a lifting, a mood because they think they can escape the suffering. So if you see a lifting of mood for now,
reason now. There's not this. Not I'm not saying if they got help if they ve gotten therapy
if something resolve that was a source of pain, but if for no reason all of us
they are a lot happier. You need to watch that person, because
they might have what I call short term rs attitude, meaning ok with the next twenty four
forty eight hours, I'm out of here so
found relief and I feel better alot of people go, who boy?
it's over. No, no and then they get shocked when the person takes her life it they had been too.
Terrible and all of a sudden, I thought everything was better yeah. No, it was
better and they just found their ticket
and when you say that I think is important to have a plan. So if you want to sit down with a friend and talk to them about how depress they are orally,
you're, saying it's only their mood just changes. You want to take them to a psychiatrist, a therapist account slurring, get them connected with some per professional help to assess it
because I find that you can talk to somebody about what's going on their life, but if you don't create a solution where just talking and so is really
for in TAT at last have a plan to have a place and there's a lot of
Is this community centres that'll do for free you, I get asked
So often about should
say something if I do
see, someone that I think is suffering like if I say
when a grocery store and they ve lost love when in the last couple of weeks or something- and I see them should I bring
or not, is like one.
They seem to be doing ok right now. I want to take em,
actually moment should I just leave me alone. Why take back there
Why should I go up and say: hey, I'm sorry for your loss or whatever, or if I see somebody that I think is hurting or suffering, or I think I'm concerned
that they might do some to hurt themselves should
place up or should I not? Let me answer that question for you from my point of view and the answer is say something I could
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did you see some minor grocery store this law? Someone yes, say something that if you think that, because.
Right now they have a smile on your face are right now they look serene dont. Think for a second. They forgot
that they lost their mom. Gender
ago? They haven't forgotten, and if you want
ass them as though it never occurred there most likely to think well. No, I didn't make much difference to them the ear, much better off. If you step up
and say, I haven't seen you since it happened, I do
foreign, to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. That means so much to people that you would take time, effort and energy out of your day. Does it take them back to that moment, because trust me they're still there?
so say something else there. Somebody that you are
concerned about their depression or you think that their
baby, suicidal or you're. Picking up warning signs dont, do it in front of other people, but still
to the side and say I am concerned that you're going to hurt yourself. I am concerned that you're going to do something that it could really have dire consequence
since either kill yourself or hurt yourself in some way so
Look me in the eye and tell me what you're thinking about tell me how you feel and if they get offended wouldn t rather them
funded because you're wrong, then wake up the next day and find out that their dead and you didn't say something. I think it's really important to step up and say: look if it's none of my business didn't tell me, but I am concerned that
you're gonna hurt yourself. I been listening to what you're saying I've been watching, what you're doing and I'm concerned you're gonna hurt yourself and I'm just asking you this not in judgment but out of concern right and say: what can I do to help?
and usually the person may save. I don't know I don't know. I don't know.
How you can help my life feels completely and say you know what I have some help for you. I I found a place down the street and it's a walk in and it's free and let's get you to sit down with a counselor and start talking about. What's going on. So you have, a thinking part
through this ends- and most people are very rarely very
rarely will soon be offended right.
Because everyone deep down, that's what people crave,
to be seen and heard, and
please tandem the number for the
beside Hotline, suicide prevention Hotline or if you know what charge they go to, there's always counselling at the church or whatever, because let me tell you this is something that really really bothers me about. What's going on our society, people tell you how they feel in what they're going to do it.
Just pay attention? I don't know how many school shootings we ve had they even this year, but I'll guarantee its double digits.
That way, there have been so many that it,
takes really big loss of life, for it to really make headlines anymore, but even in.
Situations where there are mass shootings. Did you know that
almost eighty percent of school shootings, at least one person had information that the attacker was thinking about or planning that school attack before they did
And in sixty seven percent of the cases
more than one person had informed
should about it and no
but he did anything.
Here. What I just said in eighty percent of the cases:
nobody knew what was going to happen when it was gonna happen where it was gonna happen and who was gonna do what do you think they'd insanity, Annie and two thirds of the
issues more than one person knew it and nobody did anything, it's what we call leakage where the person, either intentionally or unconsciously, puts out signals
Lay there tell somebody right or they may be as like: hey don't go to school tomorrow or they.
Put up a manifesto somewhere or right ever and they dont react because they don't know what to do,
they don't know what to say. They don't want to be
busy body; they don't want to get involved in some way but think about it.
With all of the school shootings, all the way back to Columbine, which is by the first one. It made big new people knew about Columbine before it happened. Students knew about Columbine before it happened and in eighty percent of the cases at least one person, and what is that one person had said something and gone to the
or gone to the school gone to the parents gone to somebody and
insisted that action be taken. Hemi lives could have been saved
and if you are one of those people right now, ask yourself
as somebody given you a clue you you need to hear it again, a clue of war
they're gonna do to somebody else or
they're gonna, even even its waters
of how they're going to seek revenge. You know, I think. Sometimes it's always
the old saying how would you want
it others away you wanna, be treated, and when people give information, that's going to hurt other people, I mean you. Anyone who knows me is don't tell me
because I just tell everyone I dont all on the valley in our, but but I think it's hard for some people to keep to just to just
Tell on the situation, but I agree with you you know so
it bothersome to me that we're not paying enough attention to the people around us in his bothersome to me that we are not
communicating anymore people ask me all the time. If I think the internet is a good thing or a bad thing in the world,
web and his little known fact about nothing. Did you know that you can say worldwide web faster than you can say W W W world wide web
Debbie Thou? So when you saying that somebody, you can say worldwide web measuring, Say Debbie, they love. It is just a tongue twister, but obviously there are good and bad things about it, but
its causing us to erode our interpersonal skills? I love the fact there,
Have it obviously, because you can get on a search engine and find anything in a matter of seconds right, but we
communicating by text and email Instagram
messaging, all sorts of things. Instead of law,
king people in the eye and communicating straight up, and so
is causing us to
not use our interpersonal skills as much as we used to. What do you think I may have a lotta thoughts spitting out. Don't tell me tell me
well. I, for one, is you I remember the days where
somebody would go a family vacation or they would go to some really a young. They gotta Hawaiian
they come on over. I want to show you photos from the trap and they would flip you through the fund.
Album, and you got to see all these different places they when in this is when we went to the restaurant and- and I like that
someone would invite me. Now. I see everyone's vacations, even the people. I don't really care to see.
Vacations, and now I'm going to see the best angles, the best photos the best time, the best relationships. Also, you know I'm all those that I dont go on the internet and talk poorly
or bad about others. I know
I still have a hard time understanding why
People go on the internet and argue whether be politics whether it be
Someone they don't like. It almost feels like this free for all
on the internet, and I I think it's, I think, a lot of people that would be good for social media aren't on social media. I think you know if you're, if your business today, you have to be on social media, but I've noticed there's been a lot of it
thoughts. You know they always talk about the cyber boiling in schools or what have you, but I see a lot of adults on the internet, bad mouth.
Her people making fun of other people both
other people, and
I think, a lot of those people actually somehow have justified that it's ok
people in my neighborhood, really nice people walk down the street with my dog
They say: hey MIKE how's it going
India really genuinely and then I'll. If our father on Facebook and the way they talk about different topics in August.
Goodness certain unfollow, but now and I
you'd half the people. I follow on Instagram because I just want unfollow than doubts Adam, but I don't really want to see people posting angry things I just
kind of dumping out all my opinions of the negative of the internet. But but I look, we also doing alive podcast on Youtube,
and work that we could do this country this otherwise and on the world wide web on the worldwide and also on twitter?
you get news right away instead of having,
wait for the news to come on so there, if your needing to stay safe, if there's a cry,
this going on Twitter is incredible, but
I I go so back and forth with but you're the prom
miss there is a big problem with cyber bullying, though I mean that is a huge deal here and you're right. The problem is- and I call him keyboard bullies right, because
People will write things. They will type things out on your keyboard, too
about somebody that they would never say to you if they were in an elevator with you right, Emily
people will get on and they ll save him. I did they don't really know. Maybe it's a celebrity or somebody and they'll say you suck out yelled you who s horrible ass ugly year ugly, you suck. Do you think
They would get on an elevator and look at that person and
oh by the way you suck or
ever do the right.
The anonymity of a keyboard, allow
them to do that, and the problem is a lot of people. Take that to heart to do, and particular
the young people, but not just young people, there are adult cyber
please as well. There is a lot of adult cyber noisy. No one of the things I do before twenty employees are cast centres, treatment centre,
I look at it before I hire anyone. I go through all their social media accounts
if there's someone who's talking
Are we about others if it's
When is bowling other people, you can tell so much about a person by just checking out their social media
can they gave away for anyone. That's in arguing for a job for me now too quickly- and I added I mean when I sat. Everyone start delete in half
stop here because it so now
Europe today and
all go on doktor fill in all, go on your show and all up
a lot of effort in and thinking
creativity and, like I really want to help this person. How do I maximize it and all fine that like- and I don't
view those comments anymore, but I'll find that, like people who follow doctor,
we'll be accuses coach, my guy. What is
and he has a less and
Is he staying a new just bashing me? No,
people and, unlike emotionally, try, I feel like I should get like.
Past, because I'm trying to help people, but I'm like now
get a path? We're gonna tell you ever
that's wrong with you and I can handle it, but I just apparently not
I can't about I'm. Ok, the good thing is because I've been Cyber Boyd online. I love it. I want
those I love it, because when I go into schools, I get it you don't say if you, if you don't go through that experience of going
Why are people being mean? The me who I don't know it's hard to relate to pee,
oh and schools are going. Why are these kids? We mean to me, they don't know me, and I think I will
there was an indemnity like no in an empty online. You know with the trolls. I just think something I feel like something's going to happen or shifter change, because it's just it's it's the integrity of it all just
line up with everyday life. No, it doesn't in what you have to realise that I try to tell kids all the time if you're in
that situation just unplug. But
So why should I have to unplug? Why should I have to not be part of this cyber community, because this person, one in a bully, unplug? Well,
your life's not fair industry is what it is, but an
Sometimes it doesn't even take bullying for some of these kids, because I've had them tell me that they are put up a picture and it gets a hundred and twenty likes
they'll put up the next picture and only get six
and they really get down there.
We'll get down on themselves. They feel rejected, because this one got it
it relies on this one got six
surely they go, my god. No one likes me anymore. I rejected, and you do
you know who these people are. If you think about it, twitter, its followers so you're, basically following which we're trying to teach me will be leaders but your followers and then on Instagram and Facebook it's likes dude. Does this photo warrant me to like it? Is it good enough?
Is that a good enough thing, you're posting, so off the bat somebody on the receiving end is like their their valley?
when their self esteem has to do with other people, saying your great and unfortunately
that's going to cause a lot of pain and suffering which we ve seen.
And I don't I don't know. I don't know how this changes but you'd put up an important,
the legislation and it gets fourteen likes. You put up a little bit
the kitten fallen. Asleep fell in love. I can get a million like I went to the I went to Kurdistan Iraq two years ago alone alone.
To open up mental health clinics. I met with the government. Here is
twenty hours away it takes forever? They d like sneak me through,
yeah you're, a united, and I are not easy to hide and I'm posts in me with the kids- and I am thinking here-
you know this is. This is good
I'm trying to help these women, whose husband have been be headed, daughters, use as sex slaves
move over to Syria and I'm out.
Our post photos and you not. To be honest, I was like like ok. This is this is a pretty big deal that
doing this area may get fifty likes or something, but then I post a photo of my dog eating them
I also evil, and so we are going too far.
Life and their like? This is amazing, unlike you don't I I think it's, and this is widely
Your best self is so important back to the book is what I've come to realize is if your operate
from being your best south. Then Europe will be your last concerned about whether or not people
we gonna like you're, not because you're disliking yourself in your just digging yourself do and what the reason I got.
Drifted into talking about. That is because I think parents, I think parents day to do two things one
I think they need a really sit down and talk to their kids about, have
the need to be loved by strangers I to sit down
I too am and say, look
You're gonna, be on the internet. We,
have a conversation
about how your measuring self worth and if
it really matters to you if you if it affects yourself esteem yourself worth and yourself image,
that somebody, you don't know, says something you don't like, then. Why?
need to have a real, serious conversation here until that's no longer the case, and I think parents- certainly
sometimes I nearly is tech savvy as their kids right, because parents have the wisdom, I think to navigate, but the kids have the knowledge they have the ability to zip around the internet, but they don't have the wisdom suit. So so, on that point, mom and dad said, let's say they sit down with a daughter and she's what a
do, you think is like the starting age, twelve, thirteen fourteen for thirteen for as soon as they are about to be able to have access to it once they become socially conscious- and maybe it's before that now you never know some kids or more precocious than others, but once they start paying attention to fashion
envoys to sever girls. Girls discover boys once they start getting into so
your sensitivity, that's where I think parent
need to sit down and realise that the cyber world is part of what they need to talk to the kids. About
They used to be these commercials that would come on tv and say
it's ten o clock. Do you know where your kids are?
every night ripe for those it's time m. Do you know where your children are now it's ten p m all the time
because of the internet. You have to know where your kids are all the time and because they are exposed to potential abuse potential grooming potential predators. I think
parents need to have cyber conversations with their children. It's kind of strange, if you think about it, why I a teenager on social media posting photos of themselves as such a strange and a better course, the ones it yet the most lie
are often provocative, most revealing or their funny or something there lie different things get it, but there
a lot of predators out there, but aside from that, they need to talk to their kids about how sensitive they are
Do what somebody is saying to them that could become that could constitute bullying or how
since they are the whether somebody is liking or rejecting the content they put up on the internet, because it's kind of a popularity contest. So if they feel less popular, then the next,
person or someone else in school or someone else in our group that they know, and they look
The number one need among all people is acceptance and and
there are a lot of pseudonyms or versions of that, but one of them is belonging. This you will feel like you belong that your accepted that your wanted.
And the number one fear is rejection right and a lot of people would fill it in and say, failure
That's just another way of saying rejection and- and
parents need to realise that the site
the world is a war- is a place where
That is amplified immediately. It's not wear a discount. It builds up across
School Year, its amplified immediately. They put something up and the internet votes on it right and gives them feedback right then, and I dont
I think that we're spending enough time inoculating our children to the past
our of that immediate and profound feedback that they're getting, and we need to talk to about look this
it's not real world. These people,
don't really know you there.
She is not valid in that they are not making a vote with
for information and data about who you are their voting on a picture, their voting on something you said they don't know who you are or what,
Your values are what you're philosophies are what you care about. What's your history is that they don't know anything about you,
yep they're saying mean things to you or whatever. So you need to understand that this is uninformed and you cannot take this to heart and if you do, we need to talk about why you're vulnerable to that right, and I think parents need to do that more and I think if they would fit that time and I don't care
drove their eyes when you doing that doesn't mean they're, not hearing this, because a roller eyes, as a mean it shuts off their ears, and I and I think it's mom and dad also same what's Propria, what's not appropriate, o the out. Yet I'm glad you said that, as I said, they were two things I want to say.
And the other is parents asked me a lot. Should they monitor
where their kids are going on the internet or do they think that that's an invasion of their privacy and I would say,
Yes and yes, yes, you should monitor them and, yes, it's an invasion of their privacy, but as apparent it
job to know where they are. It's your job to know who they are talking to it's your job, because there might be a pair
That's grooming, lamb. You will recognise that they won't so it
our job to know where their going invade their privacy. It's your job,
I'm sorry if that offence, parents or kids,
I'm not saying you need to go, read their personal diary, I'm not saying nor in the bathroom when they got the bathroom stutter only saying, but you need to know where their going on the internet in whose talking to become very informed. Let's take another question: this is from a shell.
She says for my fifteen year old daughter, diagnosed depressed
anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self harm. Does it want to be hospitalized, wants hell,
not offered in Montreal listens to Doktor, Phil and loves coach bear any help or suggestions. Please,
What would you say that she saying she's got a fifteen year old daughter that has been diagnosed? I assume that's by professionals and suicidal thoughts and self harm. So she says
thought about suicide. Self harm, meaning is probably already happened, does
wanna, be hospitalized but wants help, but it's not offered in Montreal what I I think for Michel. The first thing is it's not about
somebody operate in the state of having suicidal thoughts and self harm. Fifteen years old shouldn't be making decisions on our own, while being so. If it means her getting hostile,
lies in Montreal, then she should be hospitalized Montreal. I think it's it's not about what she wants at this stage.
It's you as a mom saying this is what needs to happen at this stage and that's what I would suggest, but exactly
You say it nicer than I do, which
who's been boyish Navy, not no material. I concur completely and it not really about about being harsh
When, when somebody your Irena,
you had a state where objectivity has slipped away right because depression
Means that emotionally there they ve lost orientation, somewhat
then, when you say, suicidal thoughts, they ve lost orientation significantly bright. If suicide looks to be a viable option to them, they ve lost
Gee activity, if their harming themselves, then now it's gone from thought to behaviour, and at that point it's your job to protect your child from themselves right and it's not about what the child wants its about, what the child needs to protect themselves and so
I realize she does won't be hospitalized. I don't know anyone that does have not one was the Oslo eyes, but I think it's important to get the child to the point that she's not a danger to herself and then try to arrange some kind of out patient protocol
She can enjoy being outside the hospital, but is not a danger to herself, but it's not about what she wants its about. What she needs
I often find that fur parents Lee
average that you have as a consequence. If they don't fall through and she doesn't as dark fell mentioned, got outpatient participate.
Really show up for it than the consequences will. That is what's going to happen, if you don't follow through and for your
honor, to realise that this is real, that you re
we are going to follow through and that she's in control of her own actions of worship ends up here. The next question this one's number- seven-
from Amanda Age. She says what are you
If you have a friend or loved one who struggles with mental health issues and
same ready or willing to get help I'll answer this
first and then you can add to it. If, if you have something to add, I do think there are four stages of readiness, and I think you have to be at the fourth stage:
Where you're, sick and tired of
there you are before you,
going to be really motivated for change, and but
I will give you a tip that I have found very very useful.
And it'll sound like semantics, but it's not
always try an approach people by telling them. What I think they deserve
rather than what I think they need, because when
you tell somebody listen, you need to see somebody you need therapy. You need help it's hard for them to not here that in a critical way, like your being critical you're saying I'm deficient, yours.
I'm out of control. I need something which means I'm deficient in some way, but it
Instead, you say: listen, I've!
around you a lot and use. It seems to me that you're in pain in some way
and I just think you deserve to have some peace. I think you deserve to have a better quality of life. I think you deserve
To have some help with this, and I want you to care enough about yourself to do that and so.
I have a plan. I have a suggestion for you because as coach
MIKE said earlier. It's really important events
going to step in and say something have a plan like if you're gonna talk to a drug addict in you get him directly as they have a problem. You better have a plan for
We have something to do or now you're just in agreements that they have a problem, have a plan so step up and talk to them about what they deserve instead of what they need and have a plan and offered to go with them the first time they may want you to go with them and said
the lobby in and not be in the room with him or they may even want you to go in for the first ten minutes, but did excuse yourself, so they can be candid and talk about things that are bothered him hell. It may be you
this bothered spoke. They can't talk about it with you there so but again do say something, but I like to tell him what they deserve and stood at what they need and
one more point on eyes. I always like to figure out. One is, if you have a friend look at who has the most impact on that friend in your life is at a mom? Is it a grandparent? Is it
someone that you know they really respect, and sometimes it's getting that person to connects with that person that struggling, you may not be the best persons
times and its figuring out. Who really is that best person? So that would be one more thing I would add to it. I think that's right in sometimes it helps if you have their strength in numbers, there is learn their strength and numbers. If any of you, if you have that,
a friend. You have somebody that you really care about, or they really respect, maybe the
Who have you talk before you go so and again? Do this privately know buddy confesses in a crowd? Nobody confesses integrated,
even if its confessing that their depressed or your eyes, you said a crazy, but who are they need everything, your eyes,
what do you want is to that's a truth? I'm tired nobody confesses into ground, so it's really important to take it private and keep it private. Now I have to get your opinion about.
This coach, MIKE, you need my opinion. I need you, I'm asking everybody I find ah, but I do value your opinion on this.
I've been around a long time
I have never seen our country so divided, and I'm talking about the fact that here we ve got conservatives and liberals and Democrats, we ve got Republicans. We ve always had that.
But, and this is a country that had a civil war, or so I don't put it that this is the
first, that has ever been in America because we had a civil war where I were shooting each other right. So I dont
it livery, we ve really that horrible yeah, but we are,
at a point where it's like now, if there is disagreement politically, there's no dialogue,
it's like, if you're on the other side of an issue, it's like you don't exist.
Or you go on the list, how do we start this dialogue back? How do we get people, even though core values they may disagree on core values that seem there's just no compromise that can be envisioned? How do we get
people talking civilly again about things that seem to be so fundamentally different. I think we create a lot of people that I behave. Behave like that, like be friends with the Republican to Democrat Independent of I like it's me, that's just a choice of what somebody chooses politically. I think that
I think more people need to express that they're not divided, I think more people in the media or who are in the public
guy like a meanness respectfully like just act like I don't care about your policy, your political views, I think a lot of people are like empowered to give a point of view today. That's irrelevant, I that's how I,
I I don't. I think it's sad to see people in so much conflict and fighting
but I also think allow those people who are so much conflict and fly in fighting this is my opinion, need to go see a thing.
Purpose and work on their emotional issues, because you're not really change in the world or changing anything, I don't see, the benefit is, doesn't help anyone ends.
And know some? The listeners probably are even the once out their fighting. You have to really
Looking go. Are you
making things better, you know well, I agree that the only thing I'm wishing em.
I just don't think you're ever gonna resolve an issue
If you're not having any dialogue- and we have to talk about things, if you ever going to come up with a solution or ever persuade the other side right,
Even if you think look there's no way, I can just go
have lunch in this. Pretend that this other side
is not, in my opinion, creating crimes against humanity. I'm not I'm not saying that we have to do that, but I am saying be persuasive and you can't persuade somebody of your not talking to them. If you ve got to come, and sometimes you have to do it a step at a time and
move the needle in the direction that you want, because if you're not having a dialogue, I don't see how you can persuade the other side to your point of view, but I don T to me: I mean wooding, someone rather persuade people, I mean. Look you
You ve told me before that when somebody has our my matter made up, and they have a certain believe her opinion that the odds of you changing their opinion by showing something else. It even could be true that it still incredibly difficult its chain. Somebody's opinion right
what is because a confirmation bias once somebody really buys into a position, they tend to
Peter out any data to the contrary and when you force feed them down
To the contrary, it tends to deepen their belief, not shake their belief, but us
People are smart enough to realise that if there were
going to really sit down and consider the fact that they might be affected by confirmation by us, but they can't change what they don't acknowledged. So they have to acknowledge. Hey, wait a minute.
I may have my filter up so much right that I'm I'm seeing a
slanted view of the world and appeal to their greed. Is this.
Look, I'm just gonna. Try to show you the fastest way to get what you want, I'm not trying to change you do not what what
We want and is trying to show you the fastest way to get what you want at others want people to talk, nor why, at
and this may or may not be on this topic. But I've noticed on line a lotta people. Wool, let's say there's something in the news in they'll just destroy somebody and lets say it comes out a week later that that news story was false: wasn
True, I dont see anybody online going hey. Let me correct something:
I posted a week ago.
Let me tell you where I was wrong. Let me tell you:
I didn't have the facts right and let me tell you, I made a mistake here. I never see
rarely see that you know like you're, guessing
you know in journalism, though, that I remember back in the newspaper they would go. We actually made an air about the location in the time in this city, but now it seems, like things are done.
Kind of on to the next one you know. Well, that's my two cents worth of display people should talk
You have argued for you, you have to act
some fill in the blanks fine. I answer this question. I read
we at the time a blank because it made some one. I care about cry: ass, hair, bringing in family issues.
I would say I regret one year with my family. I couldn't
the high road and not engaged in that debate.
What's going on the family and I entered the debate and made it a bigger fire, and I regret,
Stepping into that because it took us another year at a kind of reconvene and you blew
for a year, I mean I was bad
I it was already gonna be blown up, but I kind of
you are right.
Used in their shares. Something with me, you would do that.
If you go on occur, if I could leave
right now and go do blank. I would because
I've always wanted to, but I've never told anyone something I've never die
We I mean really gas place it. Would you re re that if I could leave,
right now and go do blank. I would
because I'm always wanted to, but never told anyone skydive. Really. You would do that.
We're not me. I'm not jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Try! Ok! When jouberts, I wouldn't bungee job, because I think this looks like it. I really would have to go the doctor. If I did that yet will you
our big enough that someone check this scourge that they might be set up for the normal
lies person right and they don't take us into account number three
I've always wished. I could blank, but life just got in the way these questions as to how long did it take to do their work?
these questions are like wholly Molly. I never thought of these. I think a lot if I could
they had again fell on, sorry always wished. I could blank, but life just got in the way our wishes
speak another language, you back, it's not my fingers and have blank sitting in front of me. I would could be a person earthen private.
Visa should be hanging out with us. I have never told anyone that I blank, because I know no one would believe me. I never told anyone that I blank, because no one would believe me. What's your hidden,
What do you do that? No one would believe I mean, I want a magic. The gathering tournament, which is like dungeons, track, hit. Insulates extremely nerdy, and I wanted two weeks ago on Sunday and I walked diver thou deprive yet thoughtfully level
older. Ok, this is the last one. Thank God
The nice thing I have ever done was blank, and this is the first
I am talked about it, the nicest thing I've ever blinked- and this is the first time that I have spoken about it. We are live
tat, I'm sorry, I'm sure tat. You know it is a nice thing. I've ever done that don't talk buys every single time on Facebook. When I see a donation thing pop up, even if I don't know the people and their birth they cause,
anything. I always Donnelly. Fifty two hundred bucks and I've got anonymously. That's a good thing as were never tell you.
Will no longer now get out. I know now like now. The sun everyone's gonna be their enemy. These Bertie a donation. Things might
we do this laborers wise podcast. We talked about best self and look shameless plot,
obviously MIKE's my friend, obviously I ask him to write a book. I wrote the forward for it. So don't pretend to be objective about it.
But this is really a good book. Its best
they'll, be only better. It's written by life coach might bear you can get it on Amazon. You can get
Barnes a noble, united in Walmart you'd get anywhere books or sold. You can find this, it's red. It's got there
self on the front, it's got a picture,
Mike on the back looking very suave, Jean Lopez, Le Pen, it
four Lopez endorsed it. I wrote the forward, so it really is a good book. I highly recommend it MIKE.
It will be an guys were signing off lecture. Listen if you
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Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.