What are the ten defining moments in your life? What seven critical choices have you made? And who are the five pivotal people that you’ve encountered along the way? These are just a few of the questions that Dr. Phil explores on his next podcast that could help reveal why you're where you are right at this moment. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
We are very much reactive to watch put in front of us every day. What you give power in your mind has power over you that prison door locks from the inside, and that brings us to the big one hears the big when this is number five, and I love this limb
hey we're back for living by design. This is
three. Actually, we ve been talking about doing this, the first Tuesday of every month, so this is the first to day of March and is a living by design number three. So if you ve been number one in two, of course, youth
into the library and listen to them. I decided to do this because so many of you have written in and said to me,
That is why I wish I could to sit down and just have a conversation without necessarily having
to deal with a story that you're talking about. I find the stories really interesting and I'm gonna keep watching, but sometimes without having to deal with specific fact pattern. I'd like to just kind of talk about. What's your philosophy is that you bring to all these stories you been dealing with over the last seventeen years, all the challenges, all the problems that you been dealing with over the last seventeen years on the air, and I decided to this really do that and talk about what my philosophy is that our brain to those challenges I face one of the things
I have talked about it living by design. One in two is, I think it so important that we be who we mean to be and that we do it on purpose.
Be who you are and do it on purpose? I don't want you to go through your life be,
reactive, all the time and git
the end of your life and look back and say: did I wake up and decide?
I'm gonna be who I'm gonna be, and I'm gonna do it on purpose, as opposed to just reacting to what
put in front of you every day you know still in this mobile society. Most people never travel more than a hundred miles from where their born most people
in their lives. What their parents.
Or what their family does as a profession. Even in this highly mobile society, you know they say: Jesus Christ never travel more than fifty miles in here.
nobody moved by foot or on new over donkeys or whatever back then, but still
today. We are very
What's reactive to what's put in front of us every day
a challenge that
You live by design and I mean your design it's going to happen in less than at the,
living by design number two. I challenge you to ask yourself if you
living off their
are you living and assigned life. When I say authentically, I think
Every one of us has a purpose in a passion and it's our jobs,
discover what that is, sometimes that's because it's what our strikes are and we gotta find what were
really good at NASA? We need to do sometimes it's something that we just
however, by casting about, I know you'd. As of all heard me say that my father was a really bad alcoholic in I don't say that is a victim
it was what it was as a result,
that in my formative years that one time it
Ever take me fishing. Did he ever take me hurrying to the ever. Take me camping. Did he ever take me to do any of those sort of things, and so I never had any idea any exposure to see whether or not that was
thing that I was really interested in when Robert and I had our boys, J and Jordan. I made it my life's mission to expire
them to every kind of activity that I could possibly think. Even though nobody there about camping, I took them camping by the way. If you ve ever been camping, you wanna be sure you set up your tat on a flat space. You know how to be
they they leave it as a six degree imply. We camped burst, I'm on the side of the hill. I spent all night try not to roll down the Damn hill. I took them camping outcome fishing. I took him hunting everything
burning turkey hurting deer hunting. I never pull the trigger.
Because I like shoot things, but I'd expose them to everything. You know some of its stock. Some of it does above them love to fish. I took him scuba diving. I did everything I could to give them a chance to find out what they were authentically interested in and not have them do just what I did, because that was for me
not for them so
them to discover that's what I'm talking about
You know, as I have said
before. Are you doing
you're doing today, not because it's what you want to do
Maybe because it's what you were doing yesterday are
you doing what you're doing today, because that's what has been put in front of you and you just got into the habit. You just got into the momentum of it and that's why I've said
let's talk about how you got to be who you are now I'm gonna talk to
right now about some very important things that
to do with how you got to be who you are
There are some important numbers. What I mentioned to you before I said you're, forty years old, counting leap years, you have lived fourteen thousand six hundred and ten days, but those Thursday
dont all stick out, most of them like wallpaper. All your days run together, you tell me what
we're doing on March forth in the third grade. You don't,
remember that, unless
thing really big happened, and what I want to talk to you about
are three very important numbers. Ten seven and five
in defining moment: seven critical,
choices and five pivotal people that you
have met in your life. These tender-
body moments, have had a profound impact on you, the seventh critical choices you ve made that have determine where you wound up today and the five pivotal people,
written on the slate of who you are there are
moments which mark your lives moments when you realise nothing will ever be the same,
time, is divided into two parts, but for this
moment happened and after this moment happened. That is a defining moment
it's something that occurred where you are one way,
before it happened and a different way after it
you in a lasting way that an indelible
wherever they rode on you, an indelible ain't, nothing could erase it and if you were an adult, I promise you
There are. Ten of those things that have happened in your life. Ten moments that changed you
maybe it was a positive moment. Maybe it was
negative moment. Maybe
was just an awakening, but I can problem
few there have been ten moments in your life, where's
something happened that change do. Maybe it was a death of innocence,
it was something that a due to the way the world works. Maybe it was something that call
I urge you to have a light bulb. Come on over your head,
Maybe it was a law she suffered or something that you achieved in something that you gained.
But there was a moment
in your life that chain
to you were, and that is what I
call a defining moment. It's not like any other moment in your life. I'm going to ask you:
make a list. I want you to start writing down in all this.
Beyond the website afterwards and will give you some quick.
To ask yourself, so you could figure out what's a defining,
and what is not, I'm going to
these questions are gonna help. You think your way through that
go to start out with maybe a list of twenty or thirty, and then you're going to
apparent it down so well nigh Weymouth this one. Does it stay on the lists, because this once more important than that, what this was more important than that? What you're going to figure out
those tat are. These are be very important
time we get through talking today, but just realise there are two
moments in your life that have had a
profound effect on who you are. Is your listening to these words right now and then there have been seven.
Choices and here's how the critical choices differ from the defining moment. The fighting moments could have.
But whether you're doing anything or not, you can just be sitting there and it happens
you union be sitting out on a curve in your house, burned down and everything in it, and that's a defining moment in your life with a quick
choice you make the choice. Your now active year now
Irma actively choosing something use?
up and say: I'm either
when the college or I'm not, I mean they're good,
get married or I'm not I'm either.
They have sex it. Fourteen or I'm not you made
Voices along the way and
Seven of those choices have been critical in detail.
Running who you are right now and think about it
we're talking here. The first few will come very quickly.
We'll be real clear for you.
For me. I said my father was an alcoholic, and I made a decision really early on
wasn't going to drink.
Who said you know what I've seen
in this brilliant man. This great athlete.
You should see pictures of my dad
but one on a website. When I was,
first born and he was just getting out of college and just being a football coach, you talk about a stir,
This guy could run through a brick wall. I love,
what it did to him, and I made a call
choice. Right then, and I said you know what I'm just
going down that road. So am I
detailed work that I don't judge people who drake. I think I have a friend that doesn't drake and
very few to access. So I'm not saying that judge merely about other people. I don't think there's anything wrong with almost
the thing in moderation, but for me I made that critical choice
and I'm glad I did it worked for me that probably wasn't what are your critical choices? That's ok! But that was a critical choice for me and I made it over fifty years ago, so you ve gotta, ask yourself
What are your seven critical choices? Was it to get married? Was it to have children? Was it to get a job
Bob instead of go to college, was to go to college instead of going to job. Was it
to walk into a building with some friends when you knew they were gonna rob the place? Was it too?
go somewhere with somebody when you knew they were gonna do drugs. What was it, what were the crib
choices you made was it too
Christ is your personal savior. What
to start a family was it to marry.
This guy, instead of that guy, this woman instead
that woman. What was the critical choice- and this is gonna- be real impact
and you're gonna have to learn what makes it critical. What makes it critical
is it? It had a lasting impact on who you are, as Europe
stick to this spot is your listening to me. Talk right now because had you
made it or head you made choice. Being
get. You would be a different
since then you are right now and then the third,
in this trilogy are the five pivotal people that you ve met in your life, five people that have been so pivotal that
have written on the slate of who you are five people that had such a profound impact on you.
I've people that wrote on the slate of who you are that it affects,
Did your self worth your self esteem, your definition, your confidence,
but you did in your life, how you feel about your life and these people, maybe they were pure.
Berlin, that they were positive, maybe they were
pivotal in that they were negative and maybe they were both. Maybe they were profoundly positive.
And they were also profoundly negative. I've talked to many women whose fathers work
family positive in their lives until he molested them
then he became the most negative pivotal person in their entire life. But yet-
they cannot forget what he did for them up to that point
I said recently and had an interview with the Bt K, killers, daughter and BT k- stood for bind torture and kill,
and here was this man that was
One of the most feared serial killers in history, but he took it
to the lake he to occur, camping he went to her school programmes. He did everything with her.
And the day she found out that this
editor in their community that she was afraid of every night was the very
and she was sitting down at the dinner table with Edna
now that he is such a feared and horrific force in her life
she will tell you to this day that she still remembers him as daddy before,
she found out that he had murdered families and raped and tortured women horrifically, so a person
can be both positive and negative, but who are the five pivotal people in your life
probably one or both of your parents will be on that list. Those are easy, and maybe you don't even want to put them on the list to begin with, because those are kind of givens, but who else had a profound effect in your life? I can tell
for me, I moved to Kansas City when I was a sophomore in high school and
I went to a very large high school and
a these kids had grown up on the football team they played together and pop Warner that
together in junior high. You now call it middle school. They just grown up together. They had been all as a unit and then here comes the sky,
from out of town and this kid from out of town
does it fit in, and here I was the outsider, but yet
There was one coach that paid attention to me
for some reason is I mean
was like way down. I started out like on him.
Strings. There were thirty. Forty whatever was. I was on the bottom and I remember that
He said to the head coach. He said you ever gonna put this,
Their he's got every ball, you throw within five yards of immense rails and you ve. Never let him run down and had he not done
Had he not got me in that line? Up,
but he never had a chance to play,
and I needed that currency
because I was an outsider. I didn't know anybody I didn't have any way to fit in and as the next
two or three years went by. He turned out to be a profound influence in my life. He was a protector of mine. He was a mentor of mine. He kept me in high school.
Even after the football season is over your senior year, I swear, I would add, dropped out because I was bored with school.
Nothing to offer me. I had no interest in it, but he made sure
or even though he had no use for me, he had already transferred to another. Scully was doing something else here,
It sure I got it would school every day he made
sure that I stayed the course I did.
Long with the head coach. I did get along with some of those guys. It were in power at the time when it came time for recruiting he got together with me. He got together with my parents and he sent my tapes out.
He was a pivotal person in my life. I respected that man. He taught me about hard work. He taught me about integrity, and here is a guy that just out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of athletes here
stay out of this kid from out of town and had a profound impact and made me
feel good about who I was made me believe and myself on that football field made me believe and myself as a student made me believe and myself
Some one that had a future was coach. John David
Sean emission north high school in Kansas City, a fine man and a fine football
eventually went to shine emission south and I stayed in Turkey where they might save in touch with his family after he recently passed away.
A pivotal person in my life. So who were they for you? For me, my father was both positive and negative:
You have said he was a bad alcoholic which role model a lot of bad things for me, but at the same
Tommy was one of the hardest working people in my entire life
I never saw anybody work as hard as he did
when he was sober. There
no machine gun, nasty wooden charge, there was no heel, he wouldn't climb. There was nothing he wouldn't do to provide for his family. There was no task that would intimidate him and, as you,
think about the people in your life. No, this there is a purpose for everyone. You meet. Some people come into your laughed test. You some to teach you some to use you and some to bring out the very best in you. It's your job to know the difference and, as you go through all the people that you have encountered all the people that you ve come to no figure out who these pivotal people are now. Why is this so important? Why am I spending so much time on getting you to figure out what have been the ten most defining moments in your life? The seven most critical
voices you ve made and the five most pivotal people you ve ever met? Well, I'm gonna tell you why? Because these are the external factors.
That have shaped the identity of who you are you're, we talk.
Self worth self esteem identity, but we are
we'll talk about it in the abstract. We don't break it down in terms of how we got to be that way. Maybe you go through life angry. Maybe you go through life with a chip on your shoulder. Maybe you go through life managing people by intimidation, maybe your people,
laser. Maybe you go through life, this whatever it takes, tell people what they want to hear.
Go along. Don't assert yourself, don't make waves, because maybe if you don't make waste,
but we'll let you stay around. So I don't know you ever
but he has a philosophy of body as a way of staying in this world, but we never know exactly why. We argue that way
instead of some other way, some people were leaders. Some people are followers. Some people are supporters. Some people are those that just have to be out front and be the centre of attention
But its critical that you understand why you turned out to be the person you are the personnel
The two are Wi Fi,
Does it matter to you matter and things? It don't matter to you, don't if Europe,
since the Essen right now you ve got to keep,
your mother or father, raising them their grand
parents raising? Instead, you because you're into drugs and alcohol abuse,
yourself. Why? Why other people
He went to school with finnish colleague gotta,
rare drive at a nice car where a nice close giving money
to charity, making contributions to their community and
on the other hand, are so
turn. The life out of everything that you touch.
Or maybe you're the one. That's a constant giver and you're looking at
these people over here that are just takers. They
bleed society. They come into ruin. It feels like somebody left, everybody talks about it, but no
but he understands how you got to be that way. When you identify your a five year, ten defining moments, seven critical choices and the five
pivotal people that have written on a slight of who you are you're, going to begin,
understand how you got to be.
You are is your listening to my voice right now, and that is critically important, because it
going to unlock the mystery of whether or not you are living who you are authentically meant to be or
if you are living on assigned live that you were expected to live that you're
parents wanted you to live that your family expected you to do that life. Just expected you to do. If you dad was,
the Pipe fitters Union and you were just expected to get at the Fitters Union when you grew up? If you
There was a nurse and you it is expected to be a nurse. What you really wanted to do is what you're doing right now, what you really want to do and hears the biggest day.
Sure what if you spend your entire life working to achieve something you don't want what, if you become the best architects?
in your state and will
all of these architectural awards, and you get to
the end of your life and somebody says,
gratulation. You live your life and became a best architects,
the state has ever seen and
certain there thinking yeah, but it is even almost what I wanted to do. I give a damn about architecture,
with this kind of assigned to me by life. I took an aptitude test one time I said you're good at drawn buildings, and I became an architect
but it is what I wanted to do it with one eye was expected to do. I don't want that to happen to you and this breaks down the external factors
that shape you like cattle, going through a shoot, get a bit.
Heard of cattle out on open rage. You got all these cowboys drive and heard and their driving them into,
shoot they all passion that shoot, so they can be counted as the external.
Is, in your life, been driving you through a shoot. Are you doing what you really want to do or you being driven through a shoot.
You will live to a script. I live in Hollywood now so scripture all around me. How about you? Do you have a script for your life,
If you don't, you should have, and I can tell you where this living
design is all headed, it's all headed,
the main, challenging you'd star in your own wife. I watch
star in Euro wife. If I don't know it's gonna be a school teacher,
or an auto mechanic or sky diver,
or a movie actress or a doctor, a lawyer but you're a Baker candlestick Maker- I don't know, but what ever it
is that you are authentically called. Do you have to do so?
I want a star in my own wife.
I want you to walk on the red carpet, a your life. I want you to be a star in your life. Ask yourself: do you feel
like a star in your life, because you you're not
darling in your life. Somebody is every life somebody stars in their life
It's your life, you oughta, be the star approach,
But she was star in my life and I started my life before I got on television. I was a trial,
scientists before I did this. I worked in a court systems. I work pickin juries and do in trials strategy and that sort of thing
and I guarantee you, I felt like a star in what I was doing there. I worked at it. I devoted myself to it in I studied it and I hope my skills then I did all the things that are
like I needed due to be the best at what I did.
Maybe I was maybe I wasn't, but I believe that I was, and I had the confidence that I was and I felt like a star is not about being cut.
Hey, you, don't even need to tell anybody else. It you're the star. You just need to know that you're the star and here's what that entails.
It is to have seven five and you can say: ok, looking at those defining moment,
I understand why I am the way I am, and I want to talk to you a little bit about what you could do to change that. If you want change it, maybe some of em you, like
You want to keep some of em. You want to change the influence over on you, but we have to know em in order to operate
gone them in order to change the influence. If we want to change it, but you first have to understand. When you look at the tin defining moment, you go. Oh,
now. I understand the reason I am the way I am and social situations now. I understand the reason I behaved
I do in my career now
understand why I act the way I do when I'm under stress
face a crisis. Why?
the way I do when people give me compliments whether I accept them gracefully and safer.
Q or whether I called all you know, I just can't take a compliment. I want you to understand why you do the things you do with the different walks of life
and what you see what you're defining moment have been you're gonna go. Oh
Now I see that you look at your critical choices. You gonna go. I didn't get here by
so there are made choices. It landed me here, and here is a good news. I could make seven new critical choices and these five pivotal people they ve written on a slight of who you are, but you know what you ve got an eraser and here's what that requires.
If you're not going to be a prisoner of your two and seven five, you gotta make two decisions. One is
you ve gotta, make a decision that you're gonna live authentically and
that you're gonna have to assess where you are and I'm going to put a test on the website, and that test is called the congruity test and a congruity tests
is going to ask you if you were living here, often make life one hundred percent, which nobody does that we know we all have to do things. We don't want to do, but it should ask you if you were living here, often authentic life, what you wanted to do, what you are passionate about, one huh
Ten percent: what would that entail and there's a way that I have to get to that you'll see when you get there and then it's going to ask you ok now give me the script.
Of what your life is really like, and we're going to compare the two and the difference.
Is how much income grew and see there is between the way you're living and you're off any life. You have a faint itself and you have a fictional self, and the fictional self is what you ve been side they are sent itself is what you want
do and I'm gonna help. You determine that. So you could see how can grew at. Am I being with what I authentically tickly wanna do so I said
do two things. One is to figure out how authentic lay you're living and here see other you have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and everybody has a comfort zone.
I've touched on this just very briefly before, but think about it. We tend to do that which makes us comfortable and everybody has a comfort.
A life, a lifestyle, that's comfortable for them, largely its riven by income, where very income stratified.
If you get somebody that makes a hundred thousand dollars a year, they live in neighborhoods, where people that make a hundred thousand algae or live if they like fifty thousand,
dollars a year. They live in neighborhoods, where people that make fifty thousand dollars a year live. They have friends that make fifty thousand dollars a year. They drive cars that people who make fifty thousand dollars a year drive, and you know what they are taught
get by the retail machine with ads for things that people who buy
two thousand dollars a year by trust me K, Mart Walmart.
They don't send adds to the same people that sacks Fifth Avenue and even moccasined add sue they. Don't you may think, that's fair or unfair. You may think that stereotyping or whatever, but I promise you
if you dont, think name and markets and sex Fifth avenue, look at the zip codes, they're sending adds to and look at the back.
Homes in the demographics for the income. I promise you they do. They send different ads to different parts of the town. They just know what the buying patterns are, and you know what the number one thing is. It keeps people in their comfort zone. Is it well, you just said they get comfortable. Well, the number one fear in all people is your filling in the blank failure really is for Jack.
Which is just kind of synonymous with failure, because think about this. If you go out into the world- and you offer yours
it was you all for your services, you open a business. You go for a job, your turn down a fail.
The world's says, I don't want to buy your goods? I don't want your services than their rejecting,
either said I don't want what you have to offer that you should well, I feel well yeah they rejected you. They said I don't want your skill set. I don't want your abilities, I don't know what you have to offer, so you would think that that's the number one thing that keeps people in their comforts
but it's really not. Research
tells us something different high cholesterol.
Affects more than a hundred million Americans and is a major risk factor for heart disease. The number one cause of death in the: U S, while healthy lifestyle choices can help me.
These high cholesterol? That's
often not enough status or attack.
The medication is proven to be safe and effective in the treatment of high cholesterol. There are multiple stuff
Mmm options available, but they're not
All the same, if you have
high cholesterol and are experiencing any challenges with your medication. Talk to your doktor because
There may be another one that is more right for you check out, take cholesterol to heart, dot, com
a great educational resource from coliform circles, America ink as with all
medications, side effects can occur,
with Staten Use and your doktor is always the best source for information and answers check out. Take cholesterol too.
ART, dot com and talk to your doktor about by
Ending the right stand for you, re
It tells us that what keeps people in their comfort zone is the pressure that, if they reach out of their comfort zone and do better that now there are expected to keep it up, because we have what I said: people make. Fifty thousand a year have fifty thousand dollars a year.
Ends, houses, cars and by patterns and all of a sudden they reach out comfort zone. They require more themselves and they make seventy five a year
Now there are expected to where different close by different cars get a bigger house may be have different France and now
Their fear is, can I keep it up? So a big part of the comfort zone is not just the risk of failure when you reach out of the comfort zone, there's also fear of success. What, if I do better now, I got all the pressure to keep it up sellers fear of success.
Their sphere of failure. What's keeping you in a comfort zone, a bird sitting on a tree is never afraid the branch is gonna break out from under them because they trust not the brand
They trust their wings to be able to fly away. If the branch breaks the bird, never trust the tree, the bird trust their wings, they don't know anything about comfort zone cause they're, just birds, they know how to fly. So when you look at your ten seven five- and it tells you that's why you are where you are, then you ve got to say is that ok is that my often itself are
where am I being in congruity, and I want more things and it's not just about money. You have always said the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being
bad relationship for a year and one day, you don't wanna, be a bad relationship right, but sometimes we get in a comfort zone and will to stay in a bad relationship.
Why? Because we're already in it, we don't
going to be in it, but we were it yesterday and it's this easier not to deal with a diet deal with it tomorrow
and turn into weeks, weeks and weeks, tournaments, Mercer Nanda years now you ve made each other miserable and any gap
they stupid and had children. You know you were unhappy,
and you decide well, let's just have children and then maybe that'll fix our problems, and I got a kid born with a job. How idiotic
that, so, instead of dealing with reality, you stayed together. Could did want to face it,
and they had a child scenario brought somebody else into the situation damage their their comfort. Sounds rather than just money into
out of your comfort zone. You ve gotta, be honest with people about who you are what you want and how you expect to be treated
Dandridge always scare off people that are not meant for you. If you don't put standards, because you think of it
Let me stay as long as I'm low maintenance, but if I start requiring things from people they will let me stay than those people are met for you, you get out of your comfort zone relationship wise one day. You will meet the right person and it suddenly, your health will improve closed door.
Will open new relationships for blossom goals will be reached in prayer
Ruby answered things- will start to happen because you're not a comfort zone relationship. Why?
the minute you realize you're worth you shift your energy to attract the people who respect your worth, but it starts with you. First, you ve gotta, get out of your comfort zone with you,
That's the most important relationship you'll ever have in your life. So if you're going to start reshaping things once you realize what your one thousand and seventy five has done, who this has made? You turn out to be you'll, never change it if you're not willing to get out of your comfort zone mentally emotionally physically.
Naturally relationship wise. Even in your relationship with God, you've got to be willing to say you've got time, I'm willing to talk to you, I'm not I'm not going to.
I am so unworthy. I won't even prey to you, you ve gotta, be
willing to say God loves everybody, including me, I'm willing to put myself out there and say God, I'm worthy of your time. I want to talk to him that a prey to you so much for your future relationship and your worldly relations
no one is ever to busy you're, just not important enough. If whoever your where there's just not they just don't have time, did they say
just too busy they're not too busy here. It is not important enough and you have to acknowledge that one of the biggest
takes I've ever made in my life, is letting people.
I and my life far longer than they deserve to, because I was in the comfort zone. Relationship lies the challenge on putting in front of you is you need to learn the difference between what you're getting in what you deserve? Think about what I just said: you ve got to learn a difference between what you're getting and what you deserve. It all begins and ends in your mind,
What you give power too, has power over you. We all live in this social platform world. Now, if you give power
to whether you have a lot of likes or dislikes. If you give power
that in your mind, then it
has power over. You live in the public eye. I'm in front of
millions of people every week every day, every week I mean like thirty, five forty million people a week and they great my paper every day and they publish degrade. It's called the
four nights in Hollywood. They probably see overnight. They watch your show
can't up all the people that watched it and they publish that every day of a great by paper, everyday publish it for the world to see them
have all these message. Boards and all these places it people go and they render their opinions on
got a job. I did the job I did and how well they think I did it and help
such power that has over me and
I feel about myself as a function of how much power I give that in my mind, and fortunately I am not one of those people at least to be loved by strangers.
I do what I think and believe in my mind
heart is the right thing to do. Is it always right, of course not he'll know, but it's always in good faith.
And if it's wrong, let us do it over, but I promise you
somebody's gonna have a problem with what you do, no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want to do in that.
Who's getting out of your comfort zone. It means requiring people to treat you with dignity and respect. It means you're going to ask for what you want you're going to get what you deserve instead of just was being handed out to you. So those are the external factors that determine
who you turned out to be and whether you're living authentically or whether or not the external factors you ten defining moments. You seven critical choices. You five pivotal people identify what they are
and then look at him and say wow. How is it affected? Who I am today? It was really harder in this day and time because we get such immediate feedback because of social media, and you have to remember that you're, a role model particular of your parent and you have kids there really into the social media. You may not be so much into it, although I bet you probably are, but I can promise you your kids are I mean, even if your kids are twenty, five or thirty, and certainly of their fifteen. Sixteen seventeen there in the social media and there can be some defining moments created on social media and there could be some critical choices that involve social media. I've been to Capitol Hill to test.
I for re authorization of the elementary and secondary Education ACT and they wanted to know what my thoughts were about allocating money to cyber bullying, because so many kids were being impacted by cyber bullying, and I said:
I'm, not one of those people that needs to be loved by strangers? Will how about you? How about your children? I mean, if you're somebody that needs to be loved by somebody, you don't even know, then you need to really look at your one thousand and seventy five and look for what is it? That's happened in your life that is made you vulnerable. That is made
you hungry for the approval of people that you don't even know. Look I'm not saying I don't want hereby love me. Everybody wants thereby let what I'd be great. Would it be great if you want
cafeteria thereby stood up and applauded the gray. Would it would be great if you pull up to
red light nearby, other card start charity or that you did a great job, stop and well that's great, but this just now
the way it works, not not ever
But he loves you, not everybody even notices you and then you get people that
internet trolls, a native, spend their time picket on people of dealt with
so many stories were kids are cyber bullied to death. That would be a defining moment when it occurs,
the choice to stay plugged into that crap and listen to people bullying. Picking on you. Those are the kind of critical choices that we face today,
They weren't even in existence. When I started doing Doktor Phil things have changed, but what I'm asking you to do is ok. Go look by the way about, assuming you don't
like yourself. What I'm saying is you need to know how you got to be, who you are, whether you like yourself or whether you don't because it's important that you understand your makeup and nobody's perfect. Everybody has room to improve, everybody has room to grow and we all improve with clarity and understanding these external factors have written on the slate of who you are
and when you go through these you're going to pick out some things that you go wow that has eroded my confidence or that has made me suspicious or paranoid
vulnerable or oversensitive whatever it might be? So I want to talk to you now about a five step plan of how to change that and it's very doable. The first thing you have to do, as I say,
the target? What is it about? A year? Ten, seven five pick one thing list not translate tall buildings in a single boundless pick. One thing start with less isolated target. What is
that has happened to you that
has left a negative impact, its eroded your confidence, its bed. You question yourself: it's caused you to stay in a comfort zone, its kept you from reaching your full potential, whatever it may be. It was a defining more
The critical choice or a pivotal person that somehow or another has left you being less than you wish. You were its kept you from being authentically who you are, let's identify what it is and then- and this gets a little bit into in turn.
Factors which we're gonna talk more about last time, but I introduce this concept last time and that is that of internal dialogue. What do you say to yourself about it? You have to deal with that and
Remember. Last time I told you you have to test your thoughts for rationality. Well
It is a test of rationality, but you test him for authenticity as well is what you're doing as a product that ten seven five of it are theoretically what you want to do. If you working as a office worker, if you're working as a teacher, if you're working as a pilot, if you working is what ever the third step is, is
what I'm doing as a product of what I have identified authentically? Theoretically, what I want to do
really what I want to do, or am I just doing it because it is expected and forced step is what
called AAA it? Is
to generate at authentically acceptable alternative AAA Aaa behaviour here,
this isn't thinking this is behaviour triple a behavior authentically acceptable alternative? If you are going to continue,
being what it is you're doing because of what was written on.
Blade of who you are. What could you authentically do? That would be an acceptable alternative. If it's made you a people,
Caesar if it's made you stay in a relationship because you just don't want to assert your real leads. What would be an authentically acceptable alternative? And you might say you know what to Phil. I just don't like being a prisoner to these four children they own me
Well, ok, one thing you could do is say: ok, kids, let's get the car procured for a ride. You could take him to the mall drop em off and never go back. Ok, that would be one all turn
but it's not authentically acceptable abandoning
Children might takes that problem, but it's not our.
Captain. So what you have to do is red
I and the relationship with the acceptable terms abandoning knew your children, while that might seem like an interest
fantasy when they're all giving you all kinds of hell. That might seem like a fun fantasy and the moment, but it is not authentically acceptable because that's not who you are so what
have to do is say. How can I redefine this relationship? How can I stop
being a slave to them? You stay
relationship, but you redefine it where Europe,
scared asserted, instead of just their rights being asserted and that
brings us to the big one hears the big when this
this number five- and I love this one. This is
Are you generate an m p r m e r
as yet minimal effective response you figure out
what is the least thing I can do that is effective. Men are more effective response. We don't
need to kill. Mosquitoes was shot guns. What,
is the least thing I can do that will change.
The situation in the direction of authenticity, though, a shock to an example that might be helpful, I've always said to people
that you should not let the sun set on you another day,
you haven't said and or done everything you need to say and or do with the people. That means something to you in your life. I said.
That because we take life for granted, we assume that tomorrow or this weekend we can go, tell mom and dad that we love them and appreciate what they ve done force in our lives, that we can tell our spouse, how much they mean to us or our children or our best friend or our brothers or sisters, but the truth
we're not in control of that, and we don't know if you or they will be alive at the end of this, since I dont know
I will be alive at the end of this, since we don't know that and that
I always say: if there's something you need to say: if there's something you need to do, do it do it now, because there may not be it tomorrow, though, you may think that sounds awfully morbid, but the fact of the matter is it's not. You know I have talked about my dad did practice what I preach in that regard, and I did get to say the things I needed to say to him before he passed. Some of it was offloading some failings in inventing, and some of it was telling him how much he had meant to me in what he had taught me. Maybe
What are the critical choices you have on your list? Is that you didn't do that until it was too late, and you had me thinking we'll Dr Phil, I wish that we would have had this conversation a year ago, but sadly, my mother and Father has passed, and so I don't have that opportunity. Well, you know what you do you do. What you can make
rights him a letter. Maybe go cemetery, you read it. Maybe you tell it to people who love them. I don't know you find that minimal, effective response
maybe your father hurt you and is still alive, and you say well, ok,
I could go over there and march into his officer.
Shop where he works or whatever and tell him knows
Knows you, son of a bitch? Well, ok, that might be a shot gun with a mosquito, take it in step, wise fashion. What is your minimal effect?
response, maybe he's who you need to write a letter to you, first write the letter, then ask yourself: do I need mail it and if you mail it, maybe that's enough
one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life is to forgive people who never even knew they transgressed against me.
And I never even told him I was for giving them. I just did,
That was my mer. I just need to do that in my heart. I didn't need to tell them, but if I needed to tell them I would have so what are the five steps here? I said: yeah you go through your one thousand and seventy five. If there was something on there that you say: okay,
that right there that has written on the slide of who I am that has made me different than I wish I authentically intricately worse.
Step two, as you audit what you're saying to yourself about it and then step three. Is you test where
The result has been authentically rational
what you are saying and doing a theoretical, irrational and then AAA what is your os static, except a bull alternative if you dont want to continue doing that? What can you do? That's our Fenech Tee
that is acceptable and in what C Emmy are the minimal. Effective response is gonna. Let you out of prison because what you give power
our in your mind, has power over you that prison door locks from the inside it doesn't lock from the outside. It lacks from the inside the first Tuesday of April. I'm gonna talk about the
internal factors that determine who you are and how you got to be. That way today have talked about the external factors: the tin, seven five. These are the external factors I'm going to put on the
Site congruity tests, so you can determine whether your living, your authentic self or your fictional self, I'm gonna put on their heads.
Test, each of the twenty seven
I have to determine whether or not it has written on the slate of who you are in a negative way and I'm gonna.
There, the five steps that you need to go through
to change that, so you can move towards authenticity and something I've noticed already. This is just a
one of these that I've done this living by design series, but
There is a real community building out there around this. I have good so many emails and calls and people stopping me on the street and people any
but he had set the show. We are
community here- and I do want to hear from you. So please you can post
The website you can get message
To me on Twitter and Facebook, in
to Graham tell me what you're?
Christians are, and I will answer them of curator saves Roper
in the categories of L Ashram, because I'm so thrilled that were built in
community out there around this excited about that
I want to hear from you, and I want to know if something else, it's not clear that something you want to hear more about. Just let me know if you've got specific questions. Let me know and I'll answer him, I'm very sad
to be doing this living by design serious as part of fill in the blanks we're going to continue to have some really.
Interviewees, I think. Next up we ve got Charles Barkley. I sat down with him and had Lana where he was doing his tea anti showdown there and we had a hell of a good time, and I thank you
some stuff about his philosophy about being a champion, I think you'll have some good laughs. He is a character and a half check will make you laugh promise
we ll have a good time. You'll learn some things,
so I'll be lookin for you next Tuesday hit your subscribed.
And so these things will draw up every time we put him up, tell a Fred. Give us
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I'll see you guys next week,
Transcript generated on 2020-02-03.