I want to take a pause here to give you a quick preview of what's airing today on doctor phil, take a listen twenty five year old officer gifts and what a federal jury found, both Terrence, richardson and ron claiborne not guilty of Alan gibson's murder. Yet they're spending life in prison, Allen's daughter, believes the right. Two men are behind bars the thought of each parent's inference family for the first time. These people lie to you had nothing to do with the death. Defying doctor Phil check your local listings and for more on today's tv episode log on to dr phil dot com now back to fill in the blanks senator you've met, heads of day. President supreme court justices tell me everything. Everything you see. What's them exciting thing to ever happening any thought for a minute. He looked at me and he said well, Sonny boy

I hope it had happened yet the Ok, you stumbled into fill in the blanks, and you know when I said fill in the blanks I meant fill in different kind of blanks, sometimes it's still in the blanks and other people's lives, but This time, I'm starting a series where I'm talkin about filling in the blanks in your lives, not somebody This is live your life. This is a serious that I want you to get something out of. Look I can't say I can't dance. I can't even draw a straight line. So that means, when I talk to somebody they gotta get something out of it, because you're not look at me I can t. I guess I can't entertaining with singular dancing What is it I want you to get out of this? I want get out of this fill in the blank series, an edge.

I want you to get an edge in your life and hears first edge. I want you to get. I want you to be able to figure out who you are. How you got to be who you are where you are now think about that you know, you do you know what your job as your mom, your dad, but you're, a baker, candlestick magri, you're, an accountant architecture, a teacher, that's what you do that's, not who you are so I want you to know who you are and more. Importantly how you got to be there and I'm gonna tell you how it going to figure this out that help you figure that distinction. I've gotta give you some tools to do that. Ok The first thing I would ask you to do is move your position understand what I mean by that. I want you to fill this sentence in for me. How would you complete this, since I would read

be right. Then blank think about that. I'd rather be right than blank. There are guaranteed you ninety percent, plus I view very states, this way you said I'd rather be right, then wrong. Of course you'd rather be right and wrong. Nobody to be wrong. If you're in argument or you're picking out something you always want to be right. So you'd finish that sense. I'd rather be right and wrong. What you to move your position just for the time that your listing the made a day and for the rest of this living by design series. What I want to do is think about it differently. I want you to finish the sentence. This way, Would you say I'd rather be right and wrong? What I wants you to say is would rather be happy. Then, right now, that's very different. Would rather be happy than right. Look. We have enough right fighters, we had enough p.

Out there that are right right right, back right, right right there always right, always gotta be right. God, don't you get sick of those people who to ride all the time? Want you to be one of those. I don't want you to be right. I want you to be happy, I mean, getting argument with your kids, I get a haircut no tattoo shut up. Do what I tell you may right because you're the parent, but does it make you happy? Does it make your family happy so I would ask you to move your position just for the time we're talking instead of so committed to being right in terms of evaluating everything. I talk to you about in terms of whether what I'm telling you is right or wrong. What I want to ask you to do is look at it in terms of whether what I'm telling you makes you happy You can be right again as soon as we fanny soon, as you turn me off, get out, your car finish, your walk. Go back, don't have you wanna. Do you know? to be right. But as long as we're talking look it,

breathing. I ask you to consider in terms of whether or not what you're doing in your life currently and what I might ask you to do in your life moving forward. Does it make you happy don't care that make you write what I care. Does it make you happy somebody I ask you to move your position from being right being happy and you know what that might just stick. you just might decide. You know what I've been ride all my life, it's time to be happy There were actually move your position, or what do I mean by that? I mean think about it. I can say: ok stand it. Your car now move to the truth, your car. That's moving your position, that's what What you do in your attitude, your mind actually want you to move your position now. What do you have to do to effective? change from being right to being happy? Well, let's call role, because I want everybody here. That needs to be there in order for this to happen, and I

some good news and bad news, it's a short list. The good news is the only person you need to make. This change is you bad news is the only person you need to make this change. Is you wasn't bad news? You can't blame anybody. You're, not a victim uk are well my wife's gotta changed my husband get. No, they don't know that they can do whatever they want to do. You have to be the one changes, your attitude, maybe they'll change, maybe they won't, but what call roll on who needs to be involved for use be arrives, Darby unhappy, you're, the only one. It's involve you're, the only one that you control and does not work out. Well, you're, the only one you need to control to change. from being right to be unhappy, so let's just this right, if you go, live by design, the design is for you. everybody else, you can inspire, I mean you can get them all excited. Maybe they want to follow you? Maybe they don't? The only person control is you

clean, your house. First, we were about her body else later by the that's always been the case. You have all always been, the only person you ever controlled and you have in doing it on purpose you made, I thought you were you have always done this on purpose now probably wondering why is a twelve year old sitting around wondering why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do I remember the split second, I became obsessed with that. We are, Ballgame re now, when I was like twelve years old, we usually play on saturdays was big rainstorm, so we got rain down and on Monday the phone rings and the salvation army calls and they They too are coach. Look, we ve got a team over here. We don't get to play all that much, and we saw that you guys had your game rain out on Saturday. Could we come? over and play a scrimmage game with you on Monday, and it goes Well sure. Of course, we will now look, so I got

tell you were pretty cocky. We think we're and we look good and we we got the best year, other black, with silver strives down the side and black helmets and black wristbands, and I may we think we're really bad okay. So these guys, I just pull up from the salvation army and like three pickup trucks and it looked like the grapes of wrath out there. Now you may be too young to remember that, but that was back in the dustbowl. These kids start fallen out of the back of these pickups. Now thing matches. They don't have jerseys. None of the helmets match and the kid lines across from me, he's got on a button up shirt for a jersey and a number on the shirt is for and its on in masking tape. tell you how snotty we were wherein the huddled back there and say. Look at this coming what that's gonna come off. Why didn't you do it in magic marker? He didn't do it in magic marker, because that was his shirt that

Is it one of his shirts? That was his shirt? He had to wear that the school the next day. That's why he the number on in masking tape football pants. He had no football pay. He rolled his blue jeans up to his knees. So they look like football pay at football shoes. No football shoes he had on loafers. So we got all this fancy uniforms equipment were taken were so bad and hears ragtag team none four lined up across from me, and I gotta tell you when they snap that ball that hit me so hard. It's still hurt when it rains he hit my shoulder. I thought I'd been hit by a truck at. I got it Hell you over the next hour. There beat us like they were clap and for a barn dance. It was like a track meat. We probably got beat fifty two dozen. These key, ran over us like we were nothing, it's finished

and I ve crossed over to the car to get in. Looked at my dad said what the hell happened. and he said well boy. You just got yes handed to your planet. It s! What happened I said well. Yeah thanks a lot. I was hoping for a little more in depth, analysis the gnat and he- said, son those boys are hungry those boys this wanted it more than you do that's what happened when you state of her bow. The hosts doesn't stay with you because of occasion, home with a stranger, sounds a little bit like a horror movie only hall. They came in homes, always private book, on the verbal app in america, its estimated that four percent of people in prison are actually innocent ones,

I saw them for the very first time like I knew who my jury will be doing trial. To be honest, I knew I last name in two thousand and two: the state of georgia found Kerry guilty for his alleged involvement in a vicious rape. Only a small percentage of those people had their convictions overturned. One great justice said many years ago. We don't find our witnesses from church pews. What series of events led to carries wrongful conviction? Could this happen to anyone? What finally convinced the courts to overturn his conviction from Zapier in partnership with the georgia innocence project? This is the four percent listen anywhere. your podcast or visit zappia dot com forward, slash resources forward, slash podcast, to learn more and right there. That moment I became envious of those kids from the salvation army

At the moment. I thought I want what they have that scene. So funny, because here I was, we had all the equipment we had grass on the field. These kids had nothing. but they were so hungry. I mean they had that. I owe the tiger inside and I remember sitting there in the car hurting every. Part of me hurting thinking. You know what, if they can do so much with so little. much should I be able to do with so much thought I want what they have. Those kids were hungry. They had this disguised desire just I want it and when they got a chance to play when they got a chance to be on grass, they weren't sees that moment and they our sack large. I gotta tell you. it just that day, because I made friends with some of those kids and they

weren't sitting around feeling. Sorry for themselves. They went the extra mile, every time they got a chance and trust me. if you do something in pattern. If you do something, that's part of your personality, you do it because it's what you want you do it, because you get a pay off from it and these kids gotta pay off from being hungry. They gonna pay off from being committed. You get a pay from it some way, and if you don't get something out of it, trust me you don't continue to do. your wife won't be made up of things Don't pay you off in some way, though, you may think a way doc. You feel I'm not getting a pay off for this are miserable. Look! I'm not Then it's a healthy pay off but I'm saying you're getting a pay off. It may be a sick pay off.

I mean you may be sitting on the sidelines, watching life go by and your pay off. Is you don't have to face the pressure of getting in the game you dont have to face the risk of getting out of your comfort zone? That is applied. is it healthy? No, but it is a pay off a pathological pay off, but it's a pay off you I'll, do something it you don't get something out of you. Do You do in your life because in some way you're getting a pay off out of what I want you to do is start, living by design. I want you to the definition of what success is in your life? So what, things I'm gonna be asking you to do as we move through living by design is figure. What your pay offs are look for things you do. in pattern and in say what am I getting out of this healthy sick? Otherwise, what's my pay off because when you identify the pay off, then you can control the currency

when you control the currency, then you control you once you know what your pay off is. You can turn them, spic it on and you can turn its big it off and that will change what you're doing will change how you're living? What ever you do who ever you are do that on purpose. I'll just be, who you are live ever life. You live by accident. I mean come on own it get to the end of your life in some way, the what You do with your life at least say whatever I did. I did it on purpose. Live by design may, a plan and choose what you're doing. And what I want to do here when we say is this series, I want you have a plan that you can get excited about. That's what I'm warning you do. That's why I want you to listen to this still in a blank series about you, because

I wanted to come away with a plan that you can get excited about now. Here's what I want! due to do right down today's date, but put next year. Put this day and this month but put next year. and I'm gonna tell you why, because I want that in your calendar, so this time next year you look at that day, And you remember me telling you today. that one year from today. Your life is gonna, be better or worse than it is today It's not gonna be the same. It'll be happy or sad or richer or poorer, fatter skinnier married, her divorced, but it is not going to be the same. Your life is gonna, be bad,

better or worse a year from now. Then it is right now and I hear. part of that is gonna be a function of choice Is you make between now and then- and let me Maybe some bad news now that you've heard me say that you're totally screwed. you can not not choose b, has not choosing is a choice. Think about it. This way picture cross roads out in the middle of the country. Ok, the big roger was out in the middle, the country think about it? There's this just two highways crossing each other in the middle, the country and you come to that crossroads. What are your choices? You can go straight ahead. You make a? U turn and go back. You can turn left, or you can turn right or you can say no not going

choose. This gonna stand right here in the middle, the intersection and is let life. run right over me. Well, that's your fifth choice, but you cannot not choose You are going to make choices, and I'm just saying: oh no, since you're good make a choice anyway. You might as well make a conscious choice it's. So I'm just saying: let's get active about some things. Let's get active about, choosing don't discount to choose by not using since you're going to make the choices anyway. Do it on purpose, live on purpose, be on purpose, I'm going to give you some things to help you the first book. Arrow was back in I dunno ninety eight. I know you probably can't even buy it anymore, so I'm going to put it on the website, the things I'm talking about so you don't have to, but I wrote something called life strategies and in life strategies I talked about but the tin loss of life and when I talk about laws. I'm not talking about tendencies are guidelines like then. These are things that happen sometimes, and sometimes they don't

What about laws? And when you talk about laws like the laws of physics like what's allow physics like gravity gravities la physics. It's there every day, it's all law. You have, it is a law gravity, you, don't you some mornings and say you know, though I I have a nice day or not it's there. Every day to a year later I go step on the edge of your roof and step off and see if gravity's there everyday, you can test it out monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday friday is going to be there every day and your the figure that out, just as you hit the ground it's a law is not a guideline, not a trend, it's not a tendency, and there are laws of life that are the same way. The enclosure. Unbelievably concrete, I really dont mean go, get on your roof and step off and test gravity, I'm just using an example, they say: don't try this at home, don't go step off,

I'm just using as an example- and you know what I, wrote the first law of life when I was sixteen years old now, I'm not some prodigy idea that sixteen say up: here's the first law life, but in law came back. I learned the first law alive when I sixteen years old, I was working at hallmark cards in Kansas. You probably know hallmarks based in Kansas city and I was working at hallmark cards in Kansas city. I was on the ford a midnight shift and me job was to tear stuff up there we're really big into human resources back then, so they match personalities to jobs. They gave me a sledgehammer and a dumpster, and I was supposed to tear shit up, so I came in every day. Put these dies that they printed the cards from on the corner of a dumpster and hit it with a three pound sledgehammer. That was my job. I thought: how long could this job last? How many good they have? I think they had about ten million of them and they settled

Now I was there with this other guy. They said now: ok I going have supervision cause you hear board a midnight midnight is really noisy, we're gonna put javanese, whereas your mature enough to work without supervision are you I looked like I believe you would ask me that. Are you kidding me? so as soon as they leave. I have a buddy come down and we decide we're going to build a hot rod and I'm talking now you're gonna love this nineteen sixty six shovel super sport, three. Ninety six, three, seventy five horse with a customer full sitting on top of this engine with three holly carburetors on it, we had headers some some or slicks on the back and if you rolled his car backwards just a little bit and pop the clutch, you could put the front wheels off the ground about four inches. I mean would go out at midnight and fine p. and we would raise them. We treated. Stupidity like it was a virtue that, because this week,

stupid. It would be indiscreet remainder name, my friend steve domain, and we would up and down main street and broadway in downtown kansas city. At a hundred and twenty miles an hour trying to sucker people in duration is so This gave a night were fly and down there and is the christmas holidays, and we each have a buddy in town and why fly and along there and look in the rear view, mirror and there is a cop on our bumper at a hundred and twenty miles, an hour in downtown kansas city, this when they had em squad you're too young to remember, but they used to have a tv show called m squad metro squad. These were the bad ass cops. We, in a rearview mirror, and this cop is on our bumper and when I say on our bumper, you could I got no gum wrapper between his bumper and ours and look. This was an era where they didn't like

day and a car call for back up fill out a bunch of paper work in now Paul S, oversight get out. Just as I pull us over Steve's body from out of town slivers out the back window and runs between the buildings he takes off and they get god. This is in good. This lines of syrup like crows on a close one or standing at attention beside the car and he up to determine and says I don't want to ask you one time, what's name at boy that run off and the roman law, I straight in the eyes, says: yeah while his name was sam sausage. What of it? Oh, my god, I'm thinking that cop hit him so hard. I thought it broke my nose. He dropped him like a hundred pound rock band right there on the asphalt now. Here's rob the next guideline is my friend

then I'm next. And the problem is neither of us know that guy's name, please run off only persian. It knows his name is unconscious on the pavement and I'm thinking- oh my god, I'm coming up It's tear. I wish I knew his name. I'd give him his social security number I'd, give him his fingerprints I'll get more. We wanted, but no chance he steps up to my friend, actually says art. I want to ask you one damn time. What's her name, or that run off my feet and having somewhat of a brain, says, sir, if I may. I swear on my mother's grave with just had lunch whether that afternoon she was not dead. I swear on my mother's grave. I do not know that young man's name, but I can prove miss you it sam sausage, I dont know

day, but it I say, I'm sorry, you not right. Then right then bam. I wrote lifelong number one. You either get it or you don't deal men whose kissing the pavement. I'll get it my friend and I who are still vertical and still have all bordello work. We get it you mass with somebody like this. We get it and I wrote The first law alive right, then I didn't know it at the time, but in retrospect I figured out that night. You either get it or you don't now, don't you people in your life who dont get it. I shall give you and make a list when you start with european laws. I dont know Don't you know people who just don't get it they? Just dumbo through life. They just don't seem to know where their going. They ask asinine questions, they do stupid stuff over

over again, I don't. I want you to be one of those people, so what is it I want you to get? I want you to go that you need to take care of you, so you can and take care of other people. I want you to take care of you, so you can be give to your family you too be one of those people that stumbles around in life, I I want you to be one of the people. That says there is a consequence to every behaviour, and I get that so when I choose the behavior, I realize I choose the consequence. and I realize I cannot not to know that Just one of the ten laws of life, I'll put the other ten on the Absurd, I'm not gonna, go through them all here for you, but I will list you need to buy the book I list and for you you know

my dad was an alcoholic and we did not have a great relationship, but at the end of his life right before he died Something to me that I think was pretty prophetic. So where the last two years of his life and we did get along a little bit better than him right. for he died. This was before had ever been on Oprah before had ever done anything like that, he don't something that really stuck with me. He said They said boil a mutation I truly believe. that during your life. You are going to have the opportunity. to intervene and people's lives in such a way that you Identify for them threshold moments in their lives that are outcome determinative in where they head, where they wind up because

oftentimes people don't recognize the gravity, the choices they make. They dont understand when they come to the precipice of moments that in really change the trajectory of their life, and he said I predict that you're gonna wind up in a position Where you have the opportunity to help people recognise when they come to those moments in their lives, and I know what he was paying tension to or what he was really focused on that point. But What I want you to get his Don't want you to stand at the end of your life and look back over it and say with twenty twenty hindsight I recognise now.

that I miss some key opportunities to change that Directory of my family, I miss key opera. These two changed the trajectory of my wife. I want you to stand at the end of your life and recognize that you were alert enough, that you were situationally aware enough that you recognize those critical choice points when they occurred. I want you to stand at the end of your life and say you know what I got a wake up call. that made me be why of those people that gets it. that made me stop stumbling through life and pay attention what's going on so could seize the more

It sees what's there and live on purpose, and that What this series is all about. Because you know. I believe that everybody has a personal truth and the personal truth. you have one. I have one everyone He has won a personal truth is what you believe about yourself. when nobody else is look and nobody else is listening. You have a social mask. We all do. I do You have one it's. When we put our best put forward you, we always talk about putting on her. Andy best at least we do in the south. You know we always dressed up to go to church. We put on our sunday best put on sunday suits and shirt washed. Her face went to church That's your social mask for not that I'm talking about what you believe about you when you don't have your social mask on

If you aren't honest with yourself about that, then you can't Deal with reality, you can't deal with your authenticity and he why that so important? We generate the results in life that we believe we deserve. So if Personal truth is damaged view thing your less than. If you don't they you're smart ass is good as if you think your damaged in some way. You're going to generate results that second class people should have. If you people that are really successful in business or really happy in her marriage and family, and you say secretly well that's for them. That's not for me. really deserve. That.

Then you'll never generate that. If you have a damage personal truth, you will generate a lifestyle. the standard of living men. Emotionally physically, financially, socially, goes along with being damaged. I know that, because I grew up with a damage, personal truth, because my father was a bad alcoholic and the problem The kids make is lake pair, their personal truth with other people, social mask. So I go to school, knowing that our utilities were turned off last night. I would go to school, knowing that my father came home, drunk and Violent in the kitchen with my mother and sisters, I go to school, knowing that the car had been repossessed and the windows had been kicked out of the house.

and compare myself to the kid in the next row who had a clean shirt on and scrubbed face smile and say yes the first class. Kid and I have all these secrets- that I don't want anybody to know and by comparison. I always came in second I had a damage, personal truth and- Fortunately I was able to figure that out and he'll that damage personal true, I was able to identify a currency. at a young age that was, I to validate me because I was an athlete at the time and so I got a lot of strokes. Not a currency alot of income for being

an athlete both in my family and outside my family, and so sorry to think. Well, I'm not just from oh family, Actually, I have an identity as an athlete, and I was first string first team, this first then without that doesn't jive with being second class, so it started to create. What's called cognitive since within me. I had a conflict I had to resolve and I decided to resolve it is being first class and did a second class. Now you have to ask- yourself What is your personal truth? What do you believe about yourself and here's how you need to do that? You. Aid to turn your ear inward and ask yourself what you say to yourself. What's your internal dialogue.

How do you label yourself? What Do you say to yourself because if all through the day you're putting yourself down if well through the day, your labeling yourself as a loser all through the day, your labeling yourself as I am- and I can't do this- not gonna- get this done? I don't deserve this. Till you change at the internal dialogue you're never ever going to get the reserve That you truly deserve it. I'm going to put you to work here- and this is a really important assignment Internal dialogue is so powerful because it actually gets automatic here's the problem. We say get a hundred and twenty five words a minute. We think at twelve hundred to fourteen hundred words a minute. I think about what I just said. We think ten times faster,

through them. We talk, so you might say something out loud once and you can think Ten times for every one time, you say it a bully school might say something to you. That puts you down why, in time and then you repeat it to yourself a thousand times over the next few days. So I need you to really turn your ear inward and listen to what you're saying to yourself and is not enough to just think about it. I need you to go to the website that accompanies this podcast and you'll find at it doctor fill in the bikes dot com. For this episode. You're gonna find worksheets there in one of them is gonna, be labelled internal dialogue, I'm gonna, a few examples there of what I'm talking about what constitutes colonel dialogue, and I want you to start making a list of what use say to yourself, because

till you write it down. So you can get some objectivity from it. So you could step back and look at it and go wow. Wonder I feel the way. I do no wonder I feel the way I do. If I look at this list, I'm saying this stuff to myself all day long, my god, no wonder shocked even get out of bed in the morning. If I say all this stuff to myself- and you say it is often as you do- and I want you to start- asking those thoughts, testing Them to see if the rational and watch it to find on the website- is you're gonna find for criteria for a rational, thought and will tell you what they are right now number one it was thought, is rational or not. It has to be grounded in objective fact, not opinion. It has to be grounded in objective fact. Number two it has to be in your best interest number three. It has to

tact and prolong your life number, for it has to get you closer to the healthy goes. You want in your life or so thing to be rational. It has to meet those four criteria. Let me repeat him again for you number one thought is rational or not. It has to be grounded in objective facts, not opinions. It has to be Grounded in objective fact here too it has to in your best interest number three: it has to pay Hacked and prolong your life number, for it has to get you closer to the healthy goes. You want in your life list those for you on the website. So they'll go right along with all these things you just listed on internal dialogue. I want you to test each one of them against those four criteria. If it fails, any one of the four crossing if your list, you can't say that anymore and you have to replace it with something that does meet those four criteria.

So you're only saying to yourself things that are rational. This is a very important exercise, don't scare this when you maybe drive and right now, I don't do it. While you drive and white. Do you get home then get on the website? And in do this exercise, you will be shocked at the power of challenging the lies, you're telling yourself and replacing them with rational thought and if you don't change your behaviors you're, never go to get the kind of and see that you want mentally emotionally and socially, and people hide from their personal trees. By being a workaholic, I was doing I skill seminar one time and I had a woman come up to me afterwards and she said you know. I was literally everything you said, but I just I just don't have time for it. I mean as it really. Where do you live? She said in a white, suburban What do you mean she's? I live in a white suburban, I have for children and they go to four different school

one of them play soccer. One watering place, basketball, one of them banned, and one of them doesn't do anything. So she I get up in the morning I gotta for different schools. I drop a mob pick him up at regular these activities, those activities and I'm a real iter so I'm racing around showing homes going here going they're going to you're going to you're going there and they should I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just burning out she. I just feel like I'm just gonna explode. Any second, and I said well, do something for me. I said: after you drop those kids off to school. Tomorrow you to go home turn your phone off. Take the phone off the hook, lock the doors go run a bath even a bubble. Bath. Get this. stupid is magazines. You can find and joy. scully spend thirty minutes. Relax in a bubble bath. She looked at me like I was insane she said are

you kidding me said, oh, my god, my mother would turn over in her grave us? Oh my god, now we're living for dead people. You kidding me your mother would turn over in a grave us I'll tell you what do they The day of the week, less strict listless spent her like a rotisserie chicken care. If she turns over in her grave list is spent around out, why would you care she's dead? give it a shot. Come on. You gotta change, something you ve got to change your thinking. You gotta change your behavior you're, making choices that have consequences. I had the opera, eternity to interview senator one time I'm not gonna, say his name, I'm really not this time. He was one of the oldest people in congress and I ask him, I said senator you ve met heads Stay president supreme court

as tell me thing, saying: you've everything you see what's. most exciting thing to ever happening any thought for a minute. He looked at me and he said well, Sonny boy. I hope it hadn't happened yet. And I wow what a profound answer: here's a guy. That's been in congress since Christ was a child and a ban. Fifty sixty year, said Hope it hasn't happened yet how about you? How about you? I mean if you're forty years old, you ve lived. Fourteen thousand some odd days and life expectancy now is pushed into the nineties. Are you wanted

people that have I say: what do you do for fun. When you well, you know where we used to fish yeah, we used to were used to take couple a weeks. Travel. when was last time, you did that what is Mamma been six year, seven years really. Last time you had fun was six or seven years ago. Well, yeah got forty years laughed last time you really gave yourself permission have fun with six or seven years ago, and you got five forty years laughed? that's a long long time to do what you're doing. That's a long time to be boring. I mean come on. This is no dress rehearsal. Europe

in daylight man, you gotta figure out, I gotta define my life, I gotta redefine redefined in this case, precision with one the question. I want you to ask yourself and just let this way on you a little bit just how, much fun are you'll live with ask yourself that. Don't ask your ass, you change your! They want. I'm distress yourself this. How much fun are you to live with the formula? For a successful relationship is this: We're one it's based on solid, underlying friendship, which means first, what friends do they

there are things I support each other. They laugh, they talk they their friends, they invest. It's based on a solid underlying friendship and it meets the needs of the two people involved. Now think about that It meets the needs of the two people involved. That means you ve got to jobs. number one is to work to discover the needs of your partner job, number two is work to teach Partner your needs now, if both of you were doing those two jobs, if you're working too, eat your partner, your needs and your working to learn your partners knees then you're, both teaching and learning at the same time he or she is both teaching and learning. At the same time, then you ve got to people moving towards each other. each trying to learn the others needs and teach the other person. Your needs all

the sudden your moving towards each other with a common goal of creating intimacy that I require turning the television off She didn't know. If you, have a television in your bedroom. Your sex life suffers fifty percent fifty five zero percent. So if you want to get lucky, kick camel and foulon and conan and cordon to the curb, get him out of your bedroom, but ask yourself how much fun are you to live with? you're not talk about how much fun you are live with. I don't mean just for your spouse or your kids, I mean you may

I always said above is going to be alone. I don't want to be a bad person to do it with so that means I gotta get along with me pretty well and here's the deal you probably notice throughout this whole time that I've been talking to you that a common theme. What I've been saying that is being selfish on your behalf and you may I think boy, but I do everything he's been talking about, I'm going to feel selfish. Well, don't don't feel selfish when you're putting yourself first do not feel selfish when you're putting yourself first and here's. Why you can't give away what you have. If you love your children, and I know you do then take their mother take care of their father The last thing you want to do is miss manage yourself such that you wind up emotionally bankrupt and become emotionally unavailable, or

physically unavailable because you have a heart attack and die. So the people that you do, and love you don't have you in their lives. You don't want to do that you gonna take. harry yourself, because you can't get away what you don't have. So is it selfish for you to take some time to yourself? No, out of it. Prolonged your life not have it keeps you vibrant and alive, so you can be there for the people that you love and love. You adele Want you to be emotionally bankrupt you allow yourself to get depressed and anxious in gray and burned out, then so kids get old enough to get married and they come to you for advice. if you say I got nothing. I got nothing for ya burn myself out, because I wasn't smart enough to to take a break and take care of me

self, I'm sorry! I can't help you pick a why for a husband, I can't give you advice about how to be a father or mother. Does burned out or I died ten years ago and I've been absent in your life. All that time. Don't do that you do not want to allow yourself to become emotionally bankrupt into do that. You got a treat yourself like a bank account if, all you ever do or make withdrawals you. never make any deposits. You are going to wind up with a zero balance. We need mother's, not martyrs, we need father. not martyrs. You ve got to take care of yourself, and that means you ve gotta make some deposits. You gotta do some things for yourself and that's what I've been. Talking about along the way here and if you are a mother or father and you ve got kids that are five six seven eight ten years old take Real, close look and you're gonna noticed something they

have arms and legs vacant pick up their own room. They can got their own toys. They can even make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and nobody will call child protective services if they have to make themselves a sandwich. You don't have to do everything and here's the interesting word to put in your vocabulary. no no oh, I won't take. You hear. No, I won't take you there. No, I won't do this. No, I won't do that. We are lost in a society with entitled children. They need to hear no turn off the tell and go outside right. Some leaves monsieur the breathe. Some fresh air leave them alone. You want some time alone with your spouse, I mean robin, I used to tell our kids look this doors closed. Unless what have you burst into flames? Do not open this door. You

I have to have some time for yourself, so the theme that you've been hearing here is you've got to take care of yourself and it's not selfish, because you do not want to be emotionally bankrupt. Take care of you. You did of it, the people you love, deserve it and you're not gonna, believe what we talk about next week. Now, there's accompanying web page. That goes with this whole series. So when vanish lists of this and you can listen to his times as you want to, but go to the website. That's doktor fill in the blanks dot com, and you're gonna find everything we talked about here there and your also gonna find some personal inventories. Some check list superb now details that you can take to help you find out who you are and how you got to be that person what woman talk about next time is what to do with what you found out today, Gaza

a whole other chapter and trust me, I'm gonna put verbs and my sentence give some thought were just getting started alone.