« Phil in the Blanks

The Truly Dangerous People In Your Life: Toxic Personalities in the Real World (Part 8)

2021-12-14 | 🔗

Dr. Phil continues his “Toxic Personalities in the Real World” series where he takes the narcissistic, borderline and antisocial personality disorders and rolls them into one. “The truly dangerous people in your life,” Dr. Phil says. “It’s time to clean house.” Learn about BAITERS, EVIL 8, and strategies for you to win when you have sharks in your life. Dr. Phil also answers your questions from the series. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Everybody has problems, you can't change what you don't acknowledged. So if you don't admit it, then you can never put it on you to do list, there's nothing that can't be worked on, its doktor feel this is fill in the blanks, and I M very excited about our session today. may tell you why we have. Talking about toxic personalities in the real world. You are becoming expert in person disorders, not because Won't you become a diagnostician, not because I want you to diagnose yourself, but because I want you to be a to spot red flags. when you have certain toxic personalities in your life or.
If you have certain toxic characteristics in your own behavioral repertoire that you want to put. To do list to get rid of now, we, about narcissism for different types. We talked about borderline personality and what to do about it. And then we talked about Anti social personality, which is kind of the worst of both of the other two plus some new characteristics that I call getting weapon ized with you as the target or if it's you, that has those traits in character, sticks, you'll lose control and you just ten to be addressed. instead of assertive. Now, if you're just joining this series on toxic personalities in the real world and want to encourage you to go back to the first
russian narcissism and listen to everything that we talk Tibet so far, because this is a building process and, as I said before, we're really doing an in depth thing you're, I'm not given you a lot of citations from the literature, I'm not govern you up with a lot of statistics, but telling you a lot. What you would learn if you were in graduate school and you were being taught about these disorders- I'm not doing Because I want you to self diagnosis, diagnose others. As I said, I'm doing this because you can't deal with you, don't acknowledge there. May maybe people in your life recent you don't why I get so frustrated with ease
people will tell you why you get so frustrated with these people. You get so frustrated with them because their frustrating they have traits and characteristics that victimize and create. really undesirable outcomes. For you end up, will you love and care about. If some of the things we talking about, seem to apply to you. Ok, then that becomes a to do for you, I'm not asking you to sit in judgment of yourself or someone else. I'm asking you to acknowledge the existence of this. Why? Because you can't change what you don't college and if you have somebody in your life that, over and over and over again is driving you to the point of
just like pulling your hair out, and you can't quite put your finger on what it is. I'm wanting to put your finger on it, so you can go, ok got it! It's not I'm not just a candy ass, I'm not oversensitive these people Are in fact toxic, I now know how to describe that to myself. I now know what it is they do that is so infuriating and because I recognize it. I can put up bound. worries and not get sucked into it. I can keep from enabling them and that's what I want to do
And, as I said, if it's you hold yourself to a higher standard, be better than you have been toxic, what does toxic mean toxic means? It's bad, it's contaminating and think about this, and you may have heard me say this before I say it because I just think it a great way to think about it. When you go into a relationship. you either contribute or contact that relationship based on what you bring with you when you enter that relationship. If you bring with you a lot of pain, alot Misery, a lotta hurt from prior relationship, video Gotta contaminate that.
You meet, somebody new and you bring with you. A lot of misery then you're bringing misery. end of that relationship and you don't want to do that. maybe you just haven't been able to admit it, because you think well, it's hard for me to admit my flaws. Let me tell you ego, It's not your Amigo! You don't want to do that. You want to be honest with yourself. Winners deal with the truth, and You ve got somebody in your life that fits the characteristics that we ve talked about. now that you have someone toxic in your life. You can't change what, note acknowledged. So if you don't admit it, then you can.
Put it on you to do list, you could never talk to them about it. You can never get in front of a therapist. You can never come up with a plan to create change and that's what I want you to do. There's nothing that can't be worked on. And here's will little cheat for you. Everybody has problems. You got em, I got em, your spouse has I'm your brother. Has me sister hasn't, but if they accumulate to the point that their interfering with a healthy pursuit of goals, then they become change worthy. So let's talk about toxicity a little more. I don't want you to feel like your bed
judge middle, but let's just be honest because I think toxicity is defined in behaviors. You are what you do. If you paint A pioneer if you saying you are singer, if you put nebulae Euro manipulate if you lie you're a liar I mean come on. This is not rocket. Science. If you ve got somebody in your life, that is aggressive and manipulative and gas lie to you. Then you got a lion manipulated. Yes ladder, that's just who they are, Let us be honest, let's just call it what it is now. What I want to talk about today is the fact that we describe the
as though they are kind of distinct entities. Right, we said, narcissism is a diagnosis. We said borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis we said Emily. sure personalities or as a diagnosis- and I said that's good because it lets the fair the snow, what they need to treat these different treatments for different disorders, but the real world. I also told you These things don't happen in a vacuum, biscuits morbidity. They often occur with other disorders, like gangs, your depression. But let me tell you: I also believe, and what I've told you up to now is really steeped in research in a chair. And you too challenge me if I've said,
something to you and why these broadcast, you think they gathered sound right, go. Look it up, go talk to your therapists, go to the library, if said, some that you think doesn't sound right check me out back check me cause trust me Fact check me: I've research, these things before I say them, and then I have my research team research me before. Let these things go, we do our homework. and what I'm telling you it's true. What I'm gonna tell you now is based on experience not on some research paper or plan. I believe that not only do these disorders occur, co, morbid with other things, like Should an anxiety, also blur the lines and boundaries I dont think bore
loud personality and narcissism are distinct disorders from each other. In the real world I dont think anti social peace. now there is always a distinct disorder from some of the others in the real world, and I think people- flash in and out of different traits and characteristics and so I ve, come up with a concept that has made a lot of sense to me. over many many years and it's something I call bakers and this is kind of a combination of the bad traits and characteristics that I see blur the lines among these diagnosis and bay. Stands for back stabbing abusers, impostors, takers, explorers and or reckless.
These are discarded the worst characteristics that draw from all of the different diagnoses. Do you have episode account. Do you know when your efforts, a deadline, is November Mark, The official kick off for deadline season, which me the use. it or lose it. Rule is in full effect for those with the December thirty. First s a deadline, essay, door dot. Com is here to help millions of Americans, like you, a vote the urine rush make them choice for your health wellness, an account balance with essay stores, dot, coms, ultimate deadline, spending guide force, ways to spin down funds or choose from over four thousand guaranteed eligible, healthy sigils. To me, the most of every last hard earned dollar visit epochs a store, dot com and use code, Phil fifteen to get
fifty dollars off your order of a hundred and fifty dollars or more that's epoch. hey store, dot com code, Phil, fifteen, p, h, ideal one five pillar where everyone check out Robins podcast is weak. I've gotta seek with Robert Mcgraw with Special Guess, Mary Alice Stephen. former fashion director at Harpers, bizarre listening, Here how she is turning fashion into a force for good with her nonprofit glam for good european Dear preview of this episode, while your list be sure to subscribe, following listen on Apple podcast, Spotify or how ever your listening right now, working with top right, sounds like each of them all to beauty. They lighter american Eagle gap too, their access and Papa three shots across the country in disaster zones in domestic violence, shelters,
a homeless. Shelter is in schools, and so we could give away all this access and help people at the same time help empower their dignity. You know People in the USA should not be hurting it really shouldn't. We have so much here to help people were so. I became a colony where I started. Doing wanting to do less of the photo shoots in working with the celebrities quote on quotes celebrity style as and I just wanted to be in the trenches, using fashion to help you just heard preview of I've gotta a secret Robin Mcgraw. Thanks for listening, Member to subscribe, follow and listen to I've gotta secret with Robin Mcgraw on Apple Podcast, Spotify or. However, you listening now, and I want to talk to you about these people, because I believe that These are the.
Truly dangerous People in your life, Baker. Think about what I just said: Backstairs now are their narcissistic people that her back stammers. Of course, there are. are there borderline personality disorders, a stab you in the back we'll stab in the back, is not a clinical term. That's why I say this is an inner research paper. This is my clinical experience. I'm talking about people that will undercut you sabotage. You go behind your back and may things worse for you there trying to help. You win there too, to make things bad for you. They are trying to make you fail abusers mentally emotionally, physically impostors
they're not who they appear to be. They show you one face when they're really somebody else. They pretend to be your friend when, in fact they are talking behind your back they'll tell you that there supporting you when, in fact. their undercutting you because they want what you have their takers, you'll notice in their relationship. It's all one way, Always about them, they will suck you dry always the go to person, exploiters. These are the people that will use you up there, we'll let you do things for them. They will blame you for things. They will let you do the work and take the credit.
They will blame you. They will gas lie too, and these are reckless people. They are not concerned about yourself if your well being or the career or your children or how they're getting along at school, they don't care they about one thing and ass themselves. Now. The first thing I want you to do is you ve got to trust yourself, because I'm gonna ask you to make a list and check it twice. Tis the season. let's think about who's, been naughty and who's been nice. Really, let's do scale in your life. Now you don't often do this, but I really, we want you to stop and think using the care
risks that I'm using here, which are not clinical terms. I'm telling you that, but you what I mean. I'm trying to use plain talk terms, make a list that year Got tells you in your life are bad news about saying you can prove I'm not going to ask you for data, can have you go back and fill out ten examples, I'm just telling you listen. go with instinct right near scan your life. who, in your life, do you have an easy feeling about your intuition instinct, whatever you're not gonna have to defend it right now. I just want you to listen to yourself. Let's start with your family, your in laws, brothers, sisters, ants uncles,
well that you're around and then let's extend it to your work relationships if you're a career man or woman, the people at work Do you have in your work circle? if you have a career working outside the home or if you work inside the home Maybe your stay at home, mom or stay at home. Dad you still have relationships where you have to work to run that home to run those kids in their school? All in all of this who. in your relationships. Do you just have an uneasy feeling? Let's not ignore that anymore. You dont have to defend it. Just who d You have an uneasy feeling about right, those people down. Let's acknowledge it. I've done this exercise and I went
historically, and I want you to now- do that is well go back. What we ve done so far is family and work, let's extended to France and Belgium, as somebody you see once a year time, people in your orbit. Do a scan who, in your orbit, do you have an uneasy feeling about only build explained studio in Asia, feeling well write it down. Now, let's go back historically five years, ten years back to college back to high school back to your first job are their pay.
Bull that looking over your shoulder, you just had an uneasy feeling about who was it. Who did you haven't done anything about it? You didn't do anything about. I just set off these feelings in your stomach disease. Red flags going off. You didn't know how to articulate it, but you just had that feeling ex husband, Ex wife mother in law's sister in law, whoever it is.
But why am I having you do this? I'm having you do this, because we're going to do something about these people in a little while, and it's going to be very freeing when we do we'll get to that, I'm going to give you eight identifiers that may help. Span this list, I asked you just go on your good now. Let me give you some things: it might expand the list. This is what I call the evil eight. These are the eight characteristics that these people tend to have my make them get on that list? If they the already there. Do they see the world through a land of arrogant entitlement and frequently treat people as targets? Is anybody in your life that too
to see the world through a lands of Aragon entitlement. They just think they're entitled and they treat people are August number to do? They lack empathy, they don't feel oh for anybody else just themselves three. Are they incapable feeling remorse guilt and they fail to learn from situation the situation you have them do somethin. You thought really stupid, and then they do it again and again they do Not learn from situation, a situation number four. other people in your life better, just areas possible and self destructive and do disregard not only well being for themselves, but Also, for others, do they put themselves at risk and you with it, do they do things
put your job in peril. Your safety imperil. Have they put your children in peril? Poor judgment, this done things, it's just irresponsible and self. attractive and it washes off on others around them you have people that thrive drama and crisis there not satisfied lesser some big drama, some crisis they throw on it. They need it that it seems to follow Maria. If there's a crisis, if there's drama, They're always right in the middle of it, there might be a drama church, and then there was some big problem at the grocery store. Then there was some big. Problem at school and the key. denominator was that person labour that the church they were too supermarket. They were at school. They are the key
When denominator, it follows limb around amid This. When earlier, do they brag outsmarting other people. The somebody in your life but they'll sit around and say why I tell you my last job I had at last thicken the hours work and sixty hours a week, and I didn't do anything now, somebody brag about their that's down Ass, not ok! Do yes! While I get your life, never seven! If you look through their lives. Do they have a pattern of short term relationships? They just don't seem to be able at last with anybody at last.
do they live in a fantasy world, marked by delusion. You have a way of seeing the world. Anybody else has the way I see in the world, and then they see it differently. the distortion LAO Land- they live in a world of their own. These eight. What I call the evil eight see the world through an arrogant lands of entitlement, lack of empathy, no remorse, irresponsible self, destructive Thriven. Robin crisis bragging about outsmarting other people pattern ashore, term relationships and living in a fantasy world. Does that expand your list of who you had on their to begin because I'm new to do a life on it
before life is managed not cured, and you are the manager. You are your life manager and it is time to do an audit. Do you have people there that you just wish were not? Maybe they made some of those eight? Maybe they made But let me tell you, we're gonna do something about that now these people are the ones that I called bathers. These are the ones that I call bakers and that's my term. I tell you this, not a clinical term. As my turn Back stammers abusers impostures takers, exporters. Reckless, do you have them in your life now here's another thing that might explain you list, because these people have.
Of certain ways of getting into your life and I'm gonna, ask you: are their people got into your life using these tactics. They infiltrate your life seducing you with promises or flattery, think about it. You might call it love bombing used, my colleague, manipulation, but yes that infiltrated? They work their way into your life seducing, with promises and flattery, tell what you wanted to hear. Did they, Near populate you into becoming a conspiratorial confidant, let me tell you what I mean by that there, the kind of person got you over to the side, and it's like you and I
we'll have secrets between us. let me tell you why that's a problem first off gossips bad generally speaking, but these are the people that will get you off and they will share a secret with you, because I understand the principle of reciprocity. They will tell you something: that's kind of intimate kind of private like they might share something with you about the boss. End you reciprocate at the same level. You think. Will this persons being very transparent with me so.
I'll be transparent with them. Only problem is what they told. You was a lie. It was just bait and then you reciprocate with something that genuine and then they'll go behind your back and tell the boss what you said And then the boss calls you in and says I thought the Becky she's You told her that you think I like I. high on the job. Sometimes did you say there.
And you may have actually said that in a candid moment after she said something that pulled for that she may have said. hey. Oh, I heard the boss went out with some of his direct reports last night, They were the club till three in the morning and I thought he looked Lupi when he came in today and you I say all why'd, you had the sometimes. I wonder if he's gonna hi baby, you said it kind of EL, king or whatever, but she goes hey. You know Shirley told me. She thinks you're high on the job, what do you mean it now you said it, but she drew you air and now she's got you,
the way to focus on getting your approval as though their very existence depends on you accepting limb. I gotta have your approval. Do they asked too damn many questions. It's like they're, always gathering data on you, they're, always building a file rate first seem like they were just really interested in you, but as it goes honest like what is this twenty questions, They constantly misdirect about who they are, but a lot of questions about you No matter what happens about a problem there, Ways blame others. They lie. Maybe
your face, so you may see him do it with somebody else. They either lie by omission or just straight up, make a misstatement they're frauds. They cheat. the way we still property, small or large, taken stuff home the work or whatever they take credit for other people's work. They may claim false carpet sees you see him, do it, maybe with the boss, water, whatever just add a cocktail already. If somebody in the neighborhood brag about something you knows, damn lie.
if they have any power it all goes to their head. All these questions they ass, they ve done a five year. Sensitivities now push those hot buttons. They seem to have a selective memory, their revisionist historians, Lee always remember things. The way they want them to be remembered their to face they spread lies and gossip. They can have a get them before they get me attitude.
It's like their paranoid, the world's out to get em so they're gonna get him first and they are passiveaggressive. They dont confront somebody straight up. They just go behind your backs now. Does this expand your list? Ok now think about it, because I want you to have this list because I want you to stop being a damn target and I can tell you there is nothing, nothing more fraying then getting.
Toxic people out of your life, giving yourself permission to get toxic people out of your life. You don't have to have this, be a life sentence and you can give yourself permission to get these people out of your life. And trust me when you get toxic people out your life. When you get toxic people to stop talking about you, stop talking behind your back. It's like the trash took itself out. You have no idea nice, your life can be, if you do this life on it, and you get these people too.
Hell out of your life, the first thing you're going to notice how much energy you're not wasting managing these damn people, how much they don't suck you dry and that's really important, because what I want you to spend time on is a strategy, a strategy for being in this world, because you need a strategy to wind, and I want you to have that. It begins with cleaning up your life.
In cleaning up your life begins with giving yourself permission to get rid of people that your gut tells you don't belong in your life. They just been there. Why are they there there there today? Because they were there yesterday and their there yesterday, because they were there the day before they're, not there, because you want em they're they're, not there, because they have your best interests at heart there just there, because they were already there, and that is no reason to have people, be You need people in your life because they have a right to be in your life, not because their squatters. You need to give yourself permission to get these people out of your life. you giving yourself permission to do. This is gonna begin. You realizing that you have to start a new day and you have to have a defined. image in your life? Look, I believe, in a define product think about Doktor Phil. When you think about me,
You dont confused me with anybody else. Do you people my love They they may hate me, but they do not confuse me with anybody else when you think Doktor failed you know what you're going to get and that is not by accident. I am who I am on purpose. I have a defined image of who I am in my mind and I am commit to that, I am going to ride that horse. To the end I have decided to. I am. I am at peace with that and I am coming To that end, I am going to ride that horse to the I've been riding it for forty five years. I am committed to it. It doesn't mean I. And evolve doesn't mean I can't grow, but the core values. Of who I am or who I am. Who are you.
If who you are is letting toxic people populate your landscape? Then you need to change that and I'm telling you give yourself permission to eliminate toxic people from your life. That's why I wanted you to do an audit. That's why I gave you eight different things: do these people have any of these qualities or characteristics? Do they use any of these fifteen tactics to get in your life You ve got said. Put this number of people on the list. I gave you eight different characteristics, fifteen different tack. Does that broaden the list who. It is on that list. Give yourself permission. You have to have a define it that image should not be some one. Population, landscape or toxic people get him out of your life you. So what do you mean? What about you left choose not to spend time with their put up boundaries they
Monica lowered your house create Robin. Then you have the two assertively, not aggressively assertively sightless I'm sorry- I don't have time for this- that I don't have energy for this. I'm going to ask you to excuse yourself and take this with you. So are you asking me to leave? Yes, I thought I was clear. I'm asking you to leave. Well, I'm not good enough for you. am I let you interpret this. However, you want what I'm telling you is. I dont worry
this drama in my life and I want you to be somewhere else, so I wish you nothing, but the best hope you find peace and happiness somewhere else, but its not working for me and I need some space. So thank you and good night and that's all you have to do. You have to give yourself permission to do that. You have to control your relationships and that has to be part of your image. I am someone that controls by relationships. I am not a victim. I dont let other people control my relationships,
the upshot a million times, if you're in a whole, quit Dick and don't let these people continue to drag you down. You need to decide who you are going forward, not you are in the past, look everybody with somebody else. Yesterday we all evolve hear who you were yesterday. I want to know who you choose to be today and you have to decide what's that self image is and that self image needs to be, I'm not going to let toxic people control my life and I have the right to assertively put up boundaries. So that's one characteristic of this new image. I'm asking you to embrace.
A second characteristic that I want you to embrace is: what is your uniqueness? What about you is unique. and I'll tell you why. I want you to know that, because it is critically important to me You star in your own life, it's critically important to me that you, star in your own wife and think about it. If you dont star in your life, who will you may we think it? Ok that failure blackmail. I'm a stay at home, I married to a plumber so exactly how what made a star Mylife well, how much time you got,
because I will tell you how I want you to start your lap. I want you to start as a wife. I want you to story as a mother, I want you to start as a Christian as a Oh dear, I want you to start at your job. I want you to star in every walk of life that you occupy. I want you to be the absolute best that you can be. I want you to have star quality. I urge you to take pride and star in your own. Life. Do not feel like a bit player in your own life, and I'm not talking about you
have to wear a crown on your head or have spot lights and cameras on you all the time. That's not what being a star is about being a star is about being good at what you do and taking pride and having passion in everything that you do, but it doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter what you do. What matters is that you take pride in what you, I guarantee you if I'm mowing the yard and I'm going. To be honest, I don't mow the yard lot, but if I do, I will take pride in it.
If I get up in the morning and show about take pride in shaving. Well, if I get up and make the bear up, gonna make it well what ever you do do it? Well, we come on. Let's start, haven't some pride, some personal pride in everything we do. That is terribly terribly important when you do well, you gonna get praised for you need to learn to accept that. It always puzzles me when somebody does really well it something. Somebody says: hey great job, you, oh, listen, now, boys nothing. Now it wasn't nothing. Doing a great job at anything, isn't nothing it's something when you get praise learn to say. Thank you. Thank you for that.
If you do something really well something really special, and so my steps up and says hey great job on handling those kids this morning. What thank you for noticing a really appreciated. Thank you learn to accept praise learned to give yourself phrase. So that's the beginning. I have a lot more to say about this, but I'm saying do alive, audit and decide. Who in your life, needs to not be there who doesn't have the right to be there? Who has earned the privilege? of being in your life because you are quality person. deserve to have quality people in your life. You deserve to not have toxic people in your world and because
you run, your own wife, because you are your own wife manager, manage those people out of your life and make that part of your image. Your self image I dont have toxic people in my life. I've set up boundaries are control my relationships and I'm not going to have those people in my life and I'm going to start in my life. I'm gonna take pride in passionate, things that I do very important now working to talk more about this next Tuesday. But I want to take some questions from you guys right now, because I said I wouldn't and we're going to count and you this. We ve got to more Tuesdays left in this year and I'm tellin you they're gonna, be the two most important tuesdays. We have had this whole year because I want you to art, twenty twenty, two with a whole
a new attitude, a whole new approach to what you're going to do in the coming year and not just with some raw energy, but with a coping strategy and a plan and that's what we're gonna talk about. the next to Tuesday's we're gonna pick up here. We ve done a life on it. You ve done a fine, those toxic people. We ve talked about a new image. We ve talked about starting in your own life. We're gonna pick up their next Tuesday, but I want to answer some questions: and my producer referred is gonna, jump and communicate some questions because I won't answer them so Laverne? Thank you. So my sad affair I haven't or receive so many questions from, are filling the blanks community here. Some of them can a bipolar daughter and borderline,
personality. Disorder. Mother ever be able to work out the relationship, and this is from Janni. Will this great question jenny. So thank you for asking that first off, I need identify that I am the incurable optimist and use bipolar. Daughter borderline mother, correct, correct, yes, and this is from the grandmother, by ok, so she has a bipolar granddaughter and a borderline personality? Daughter was ok my answer. Is I can't think of a reason why they cannot have a good relationship first off bipolar. I would want to know if it's bipolar water bipolar too. Bipolar one has
much more manic phases then bipolar too, and it is the most disruptive of the two let's assume the worst. Let's assume that its bipolar one, and so she has the stain manic episodes. This is A disorder that is very manageable. This is one of those things that, with cycle pharmacology in combination with cognitive, behavioral therapy,. Is very manageable. does not have to be highly disruptive to someone's life if they may. Egypt and their comply with the medical regiment, so that doesn't have to be a problem, and with a boy allied personality mother if, in fact, that is an accurate diagnosis? If that mother He is willing to preserve herself for help in therapy.
Then, by all means She can work to manage control that and, if does that then gets some insight Of her own, then they can certainly do some therapy together and there is a particular type of therapy called dialectical behaviour therapy. That can be very helpful with borderline personality disorder, and it really can help it's kind of a cognitive behave, therapy with it added strong emphasis on change. And acceptance on balanced change and. They identify in China
any negative internal dialogue and they push for positive behavioral change, and one of the things that they really focus on is distress tolerance because borderline personalities very reactive and they tin overreact, an dramatize everything in one of the things that debate does is help pull through mindfulness, which is a meditative type part of the therapy help people who live in the moment And they learn to observe, and accept what's happening in a moment instead of judging and avoiding what's happening, and it here stem control, their reactivity annulled Ask them to go further into their relationship. So this is an evidence by Therapy and by evidence based therapy, we mean that there is in
miracle evidence that demonstrates this therapy works and this was develop. Doktor Marshall Lydia She is really done some fabulous research on this, so there's really great tools clinical move to help with borderline personality disorder, and there is excellent help for bypass. disorder, so there's no reason in the world at these. Two cannot learn to have a great relationship between the two of them now that Robin just had on mystic Mikhail, who was talking about meditation and how you can come to terms with yourself right, It is right that this goes right back to the mindfulness, an election. putting who you are in the moment, and I am particularly a fan of distress. Tolerance
The whole idea is look not everything your life is going to be great and so Learn to deal with it really you, problems. You just learn to deal with it. Ok, next question and listening to the serious I'm wondering if anyone has any Success in convincing someone with these disorders to get help. well I'll. Let people respond to that on the message boards, but let me say this. I'll share a strategy that I've had in convincing people to accept help, when you tell someone even if you say it from a place of love, you need help. It tends to cause people to be defensive, because there's just a judge. element to you need help. What I do
instead and I've had great success with this, and it sounds like maybe just semantics, but I tell you it makes a huge difference is decided that person- you deserve. have some assistance with this I see you experiencing pain. Sometimes I see you go, through a lot of conflict, really love you and care about you, and I just think you deserve better. I think you do some help with this and there's something out there that I think can be very use. I think you deserve to have it. I think, when, tell somebody that they deserve something right. The need something, I think it really helps disarm them and bring down the barriers sometimes are absent.
harboured by the sun, so I think that will help. Definitely. We also have the forty four year old mother of three she hasn't spoken to her mother. For over four years she chose to cut her out of her life at this point and she's a very toxic person, the very definition of communal, narcissist, How can I deal with her and get along in this life with her? Let me do slaves what's up sets. People in life is often too I'm not. What actually happens what upsets people is. Violation of your expectations. So if you're expectation, is that your mother behave a certain way and not behave a certain way and then She violates that expectation. Then your gun,
to be upset now If you go into this, where you don't have that expectation, you say: ok, look she The problem with this that just two. She is an that's problem. We not going to change it if it does. It's not gonna, be by me because this above my pay grade I'm willing to it. age with her without judgment. I'm gonna love the parts ever that I can become I'm going to realize. I dont have to love everything. She does in all. To love her so Don't have to love all her behaviors in order to love her and not going to set up a false expectation that somehow, since the last time I saw her, she miraculously cured herself from this communal narcissism. So
I'm gonna, go in there. I'm not gonna. Have that expectation and I'm just gonna love her recognising a lower billing. She does some my judgments at home- I'm just gonna, over there and love that part of my mother that gave birth to me that chain my diapers that hold me when I was sick. That fed me when I was hungry that pick me up at school. That data, the things that she did, that we're sacrifices in her life at a different time, and maybe she was imperfect even at that, but she May this far and I'm gonna love her for that, and maybe I can tell her she deserves some help and just not be quite as judge metals you might otherwise be allowed back and from Bobby the mother has a major border line, personality disorder and the beginning of all timer Doktor Phil. I need your help with my mother. We don't know what to do with her. My stepfather just had heart surgery and I'm trying to care for em but she's extremely jealous.
How do I get along with that? First, thank you for your question and I think you have to put- things in order, and, if is she is in the throes of. Alzheimer's early stages I would recommend that you get as much education, as you can about her dish, and so you understand what her cape buildings are because there will be limitations and it is probably progressive and you want to be sure that you're not asking her to do something. or manage something. That's just outside of her capabilities On the other hand, you dont want to fail to
choir her to do one hundred percent of everything she is capable of doing so. Don't infantile eyes her by treating her in a way that does it require heard to be all that she can be at whatever stage she is but once you know that once you know the parameters of her disease and where she is, and they ve you, ok, she does have the capacity to do a b and c then recognise that this is a mental emotional disorder on her part and be smart, smarter than she is at this point and say: ok, she does see me as a threat. That's been ten to her. I know that it's a classic characteristic of the narcissistic disorder. She said
he's. My success is being at her expanse, so I'm going to do thing I can to share with her that we draw from different accounts my success, comes from the child, account her success I from the parent account and weaken both, draw down those accounts without costing the other anything Let her know how proud I am of her and how much I value her acceptance and pride in me if she can forget her mind around the fact that you, or success, does not cost any withdraws from herself worth account.
yeah just might turn a corner. I love that this is for someone that actually was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. How can I control the situation and my explosive anger, and this is from stake? Thank you for the question I am so proud, Of the fact that you have enough insight to be asking the question because It tells me that you recognise that you have borderline personality of in fact you do and that you have. explosive anger, rather than blaming the world, which means you're owning the fact that the anger is yours and that's explosive. There are four sub types. These are not in the dsm they're just caught a recognised by those that work with this. A lot
there is a sub type that is generally fer to as petulant, and it expresses itself through anger and an Worthy feeling, those two things are real key. I would ask you to really focus on how you. Feel about yourself. you are never weaker. then, when you're angry because think about it, you're angry because you feel demise, there's no other reason to be angry. Then, sir, seeing that the world has victimized you in some way, so ask yourself not what you can do with your anger. What you can do your feelings of worth and strength, because the more worthy you feel and the stronger You feel the ass likely you are to default to your anger.
so really work on your feelings of self worth. I'd start. I'd amazing, the things that you are I am proud of the things that you think are best about. You, personality, wise actually relational e achievement wise- let's vote It's on who you are why you are a good human being, and I think you might feel victimized a whole lot less. Oh, my god. I love that and of all the like that questions that came in stake was one of the people that I was like. Oh wow he's really analyzing, what's happening with him and working through it, and everything that, like I've, researched, he's doing knowledge rheumatoid. The Bush predictor of a good outcome, new treatment therapy, self healing. Whatever is insight. You can't change,
but you don't acknowledge and he is acknowledging the issue and the problem and that It's very well for positive change. Some of the people that I come in contact with. I dont know that they have some other disorders, that you say, but it's like. Oh my gosh, I can identify and I can use the strategies and work to build a stronger. Self in me. So thank you will, as I said earlier. I want to thank here by that. Given a such great feedback about this and and say how much I'm getting out of this, because you never learn more about something, then, when you have to crystallise it in your mind and make a coherent presentation of it and my wife Working with all of these in doing this series, it's like sharpening you're tool, I've gotten a lot out of this and
I'm getting a lot out of this. So it's. helping me a lot as well. So I really appreciate buddies, great feedback and its inspired me dig in and you know how much research I do and I feel like I'm getting much out of it. Is anybody listening? So I think it's great now look or to the last two of the year, because I promise you they're gonna, be the most important that you ve done all year in terms of people changing. their lives for the better and what my Important time in starting this world back up after all this pandemic and quarantine, etc, etc. It's time hit the ground running in make twenty twenty two. The best here we ve had a long long time. Let's do it we want to say again every one really
so proud of this series, and I want everyone to contact at least one friend on person that you really love and care about and ask them to subscribe to fill in the blanks and start the beginning of this series, though ask him to start in the middle of the US and Japan on one particular disorder. You think that maybe relevant to them started the beginning of this series, toxic personalities in the real world and listen if gotten a lot out of this share with somebody you love and care about. Is we ve got some great things coming up towards the end of the year, so find at least one person and get them to submit and join with you. So you have somebody that you can resonate with about this. So I appreciate your support. Thank you and I'll, see you next Tuesday
Transcript generated on 2021-12-14.