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163: You Can't Heal What You Don't Feel - A Lesson in Grief with Dr. Edith Eger

2020-09-22

I hope you enjoy this incredible conversation I got to have with Dr. Edith Eva Eger, Holocaust survivor and expert on both grief and what it takes to forgive. We discuss the power of the human mind, the end of our childhoods, and the transcendent nature of forgiveness.

You can learn more about Dr. Eger by visiting her website -> https://dreditheger.com and make sure you grab a copy of her new book, The Gift, out now!

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Look: we've all either been through it, are currently going through it, or will go through it. That's just how life is: once you think you've got it all figured out, it hits you with something you never saw coming. Grief? Check. Divorce? Check. Global pandemic? Uh, CHECK! That's why I wrote a new book all about conquering hard things and coming out the other side a better, stronger you. It's called Didn't See That Coming, and it's available for pre-order here: https://bit.ly/dstcrise

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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So this week I announced my next book. It's called didn't see that coming it's all about how you put your life back together after your world falls. Apart, actually wrote this inside of quarantine, because I wanted something that Ya'Ll could red eyes. You transition out of the crisis of a pandemic, and then inside of writing it. My world fell apart, and this is a story of how you keep on going. This is a story of the tactics and the tools that I have used time and time again when I have gone through grief or loss or trauma the book handout on September, twenty nine and you can find it today you can free order where ever books are sold, and, yes, I am narrating audio as always, but if you pray order, meaning if you buy any time before September, twenty ninth- if you go to didn't see that coming new book dot com, you can get my one our course on how to rebuild how'd. You rebuild your life free one, our course plus a workbook that you can pay now and utilised to start the process, something that I thought I could give you to be helpful as you transition to whatever comes next didn't see. That coming is my new book and I hope that you will check it out.
Hi, I'm Rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast. I spend so many hours of every single week, reading and listened podcast and watching Youtube videos and trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that what we do on their? Shall we? talk about everything life and how to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan for intermittent fasting? What's going on with our inner child house therapy working out for you whatever it is, my guests are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand these, Our conversations- this is information for the curious. This is the Rachel Hollis.
I'd CAS. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. I would just like to start with your story four listeners who are not yet familiar with your work. Will you tell us a bit about your wife and son of how you became a doctor and how that lead to these incredible bucks, gave out if you're gonna go beginning was born cept them twenty nine ninety twenty seven, my pet and said to beautiful girls Magda sheep? the piano Clara who play did the violin. She was a child prodigy and why your name and my parents were erecting a family aside could be for TAT were being alone there. It was really preparing me man.
Thing came from the outside and I they were to be a crime, trade. Might you know resources today. I say to people that are there was it of depression, is expression. To be able to really see if you have any field then thought to be able to get it out, because what comes out of your body will never make you yeah. What's he's in there does so if you have a secret shared it and tax us? I think people very good that sharing and their yeah Jack says we have very good report very much caring about that. Than themselves is so. I am very honoured to speak to taxation. You, and so I am I also want to tell you that I beg
curse. Sad when I was three years old and two sisters, blind, Four did me when data for when walk. Because they didn't want anyone to see whether this is done by an and down exit Thirdly, I can still seemed assigned to you: that damn so ugly and puny. I am never gonna find husband. The traveller was that I believe my sister so today. I dare to young people, don't allow anybody define who you are you're beautiful, God doesn't make junk dirty for jobs. The way you are so I'm very much share good it every one to celebrate their special mass and precious assent, one of our kindness, you'd unique, had never be there dead. I just
can't you get my mom looked at me very seriously and she said: I'm glad did you have brains because you have no looks, and I think that is very important for everyone to really see what kind the message is theirs, carrying with them because I know dad tat. I do. Time to be angry at my my bad, Actually I became a very highly educated, Brady and that journey scholar- and that's why I my name is Doctor DDT why that is so to really allow anyone to define. Who are you on because you're, one of a kind diamond can I SK, as I listen to you said earlier- that I think is so important, especially for women who are listening. Is this idea that it's not what you express that makes you? Second, it's what you keep in.
So can we talk about that for a minute, because I think that the older I get the more I understand that, Even if I am not thinking about something my body is still holding that tension hole. In my back holding it and stress, can you talk to our female listeners about that, that means you're not congruent you're, not clicking. Where were you a body, and your mind, and you spirit and death What do you want? You want congruence and listening to you in that boy is listening to yourself dialogue So when you get up in the morning, you say Rachel. I love you. I honored you and we gonna decide what kind of a day we're going to have that you take complete charge of your thinking, feeling and your behavior none of deposit
thinking, does any good. Followed would be positive reaction, see. So that's why tat people, especially Mommy's should tell you re sure, you're such a beautiful girl, but you're a little fat and a little painfully. So you see you can sell everything before, but I say gave me there, but I gave in and yes and furthermore, Sir dead tree, we really are able two say anything but before we do our South EAST, it kind is it powering someone or depleting If it's not done don't, say it I'd practices my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren that day see me as There is one person, but and so with dad
That is difficult. Those sometimes will this idea of being able to express yourself how do. How do you do that if it's not having you were raised in, I was raised in southern culture, which said that you know little girls should be pretty and we should be saying that we should, not be heard. We now do what sort of pleases everybody- and I was really don't- speak until later. Yes, so if you're a deafening that your struggling, where's the. How do you? How do you overcome it? where'd. You know you ask yourself two very simple questions. Why am I doing now? And secondly, is it working? it's getting me where I want to go, and if it's not you can write your scream it's not the ten commandments written in in and the world, and you can just say and take and choose their kind. Things that
ray you're, you will they arrive because Give up our through south early on. You come to a responsible one. The funding one knows just like Shakespeare, put your kind of one state and he gave you and you give viewed genuine richer girl anyway, to the claim that They did to go back to our shreds they claim my innocence and assigned a shame and again to the perpetrator, because there is no forgiveness without rage, Uganda. With through their age, and not only about talk to me about that, because I, I have some people in my life tat I feel like. I can't I really struggled to truly forgive. I bet Thickly old may feel their age Can you know I'd look at forgive Yes, in a very different way. I
I'm very biased on one word: freedom, if you're dead. Forgive you ve done freedom so give yourself a gift because in the Bible says you go through the valley of the shadow of death So if you are in a dark there now, four delight you know that one cured freedom, say it's not that you're such a good person you for game, for what they did to you. It's not that that'll be done, have godly powers to forgive, but you can't would give you four in judgment on another. Carson away ok, exciting! Now you lied to me. I love that I explained to you because I speak churches so church I talk about Jesus, I talk about the poodle jewish boy who became their profit tent and
three things I mention one is love dying, a bird sties sound. Now, if you don't love you, then Why should I love you? if you don't like to be with you Saturday night, why should I wanna be with you so the thing stars bill in today's world alone and we die alone, and so do you live in lifestyle that means to have really passion and joy and love and purpose in your life. That's a piece lots of peace so For that you have to give up perfectionism because we had a human being, a boy they make mistakes annexed. Obscures out you know it. Courage still be average it takes. Age, not to make I'm a pledge in school. At that time I asked
people, when you gave up something you have to replace tipped with something else.
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you can not change anything unless should replace it with something else and change is synonymous with growing, yet we glow back and do the same thing The other thing I appreciate, thereby Jesus is dead. He knew how to do to people on that level? So if I see a child in my city going, Dunbar more part and and standing at the tree and crying I'm gonna ask: why do you cry I don't get into debt, but I get down to the charge lever and the language of when eight year on a ten year old, I doubt, however, cognitive dissonance, because I made that Chad than speak the language when they are- and I teach compassion that listening and empathy, which is different from sympathy SAM,
fifty means. You know it's very different, very different thing, but amphetamines I crawled under your skin be dead, which you and keep that feeling and the way you do that this sounds like you're said about that. Instead of trying to figure it out, man always want to figure things out. Man to understand everything and I go down, and I say, sounds like you said, thereby added. So like I take you, to the feeling they were, because you cannot hear what you do. Fear and there is no healing widow, grieving, an you cry, you cry and you cry and you cry, and you know what two o in the morning. You say enough and that say why me, but what now underway? This concentration camp is right in your own mind, so think about your thinking,
Nonetheless, I think I'm going to say that when Jesus said turn the other cheek That was really brilliantly said not to go back and do the same thing dangerously and expecting Dave And lizards, what you look at this same thing from a different I that's why the word opportunity to me means a great deal because The thing alive is then For unity to discover in their resources and look. The same thing from a different perspective, curious. I've done a lot of work recently in therapy thinking about myself at younger ages and how much pain or trauma I carry from different ages. In my life,
and really allowing myself to imagine that little girl to imagine the six year old to imagine the fourteen year old and so on. Is that part of your own journey as well sort of Marie Thinking, like you talked about having to forgive your perpetrators, what is that looks like for you and is that so saying that as a doctor was part of your process in helping people heal You cannot really teach anything to anyone. He's dead willing to land. I think that's very port, then what is also very important that people feelings in me, and then I become my own observers of Sal, that use see that their arms here to listen to your compassion. That's me, but I'm not I tell you, oh I suffered so much and no, but I think
it's very good to detach and look at your sound from that person's perspective. That you're absurd ring yourself, an actor the most obnoxious percent will become your best teacher, and what, you don't like them. You better! Look at that in you. There is the Hitler and everyone was fed, his goodness and kindness and the gay was which one you were gonna choose. Swaying. My book is good their choice. The more choices you have. The list you feel like a victim. I was The wise it's not too, I am you'd being is you're doing. Do have to be care for the day. Eight was victimized, but it not too. I am it's not my identity, how Did you learn to make their choice about her You saw yourself.
I have a great imagination and I decided to in Auschwitz that I was innocent and they were depression ass, an king, my living God. Guiding me to look at the guys. Dave Manning the uniform Send had killing children then and pushing people in again chamber the day the ones who are to really paid the price so I didn't allowed them, did they allowed them to touch my my Spirit and that's what I am asking people to delete back your power, but you gotta go through the anger and not the thing. That ain't goodies, what it's all about anger and anger, has to do with a lot of other emotions that underneath the anger
there is a lot of I dare emotions in their people, tell me I have been anxiety attack nobody's attacking that is no attack. You just you'd. Thinking anxiously and you To daily acknowledge that TAT its It is difficult to through that angered and not to get stuck in their. So it's it's hard work and especially in Amerika specially young people they, and every thing easy and they want it now, Then I don't wanna wait for anything they. They want to buy their Christmas present in July, rather than waiting for something So what you learn really in error thing alive is patience. And realize
things just comes slow and that's why I beg paper done marry your had Levant Mary would best friend you tell me if I'm wrong, the last cook was the choice and then the new blocking a gift, and they give if you think about that as sound, fair work. Ok, I like it. It's very practical help me If you can read it and the questions I ask actually to question Wendy a child to it and see if you Chad, arrest, said why were you Chad, did you have to speak English Chad, where that's my little girl Two years old, she introduced written peanut butter. She brought me a book called chicken. Iter. Ducky luck a good solution do know gucci from low. Soon enough
Don't know where you're coming from you make it parents, I think it very important to us When did my child to end? That is such a powerful question, It is a very practical question because we agree with not what happened, but what did happen. Get ready to glow from within explores the car as clean boutique for the science, backed functional snacks supplements, tease and more each designed to nourish your soul. From the inside out discovers a cars daily, probiotics blend the candied, a cleansing herbal blend that nourishes stabilizes and encourages your system to fund
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Let me give you an example of that. Then my granddaughter was born. Lindsey deputy attrition exam until then said this will get is very flexible. She admired become a ballerina So I said to the doktor: dense grid can die now, because my blood it's gonna be in in My green do then were lucky not doing it that she survived, but also became a reality, and I am- so then- that crackers read the two hundred times she was. She was a little a little part and then she went under discourage them anyway. Then she was in high school. I wonder for school, called the Bishop scorn and who ask me to buy her address so sheep,
and go to a dance, and I am a big sucker by them was beautiful. In their lower Ashley, I were designers close to because father told me that arbiter best rose garden tan Someone is saying, but by watchmen fly you know. I have four for growers of o scar done by me as anymore scarves? You know I have so many anyway I bought it address. I came home. And all of a sudden out of the blue. Crying crying look our tears and I'm saying to myself: what's going and with me I just thought, Lindsey Address, so she could, to her dance and then, I came to the realisation that I
I'm crying because Lindsey went to a dance. I cried because I never. To advance and that's the work. I do hold your precious hand we gonna revisit your place where been what you, land, and where are you now and you come your own best parent to you, because self love is sound, It's not narcissistic selfish but don't like themselves, I love that in the in the work that I've done with the therapists lately, it's this the idea of thinking of those childhood wounds, or the trauma that happened, and then she said I want you to literally imagine yourself the little girl and for me I had noticed that a law
of the anger that I have about my childhood- has really manifested again in the last three years, couldn't figure out why I've done so much therapy and so much work and thinking what is going on and then one of my friends said: oh, you have a daughter, so my daughter is three and all the southern I am seeing the world or I'm seeing how I care for her in a way that I was not cared for and Bringing up all of these feelings for me, and so the fair said. I want you to literally imagine that your three year old, selfish and that you are given had that you are making her dinner that you are. You are treating heard away. You treat your daughter even if it's not something that you had a silly Sounds it has so killing for me. Usually a girl is crying.
And she's telling you that she is not developed her brain he's not develop here and she a healthy good mommy. And they too can make decisions toward her, so she can just be a little girl That's why you come to me you're dead, So you really look at yourself. Stay and secure, sir whatever. You're doing where did it piloting you or dip eating you and there you truly become there. De my there they admired for you. Three year old and that's the best thing you can do so she can look at you and trust you you really children need to know that the world is a safe place. You need two big round it that's. Why
it is so important for me to be a healthy mommy her sound because your and gave where'd you downtown. So I'm gonna, be your mommy. Now not only get I'm gonna be you'd midwife, nobody midway, you'd, fragment and you're gonna give birth. Today you here that pressure. Then you gonna hold that little girl then sit. I want the little girl just like you, my parents didn't do that I remember we had company one time and my My dear asked me to go. Some will again and then, as I was leaving guy, I had of saved. At one moment I didn't know that I heard that in our shreds. Nothing came from the outside the mood you depend on external costs,
the more you wait for someone to make you happy. You're, never gonna be happy everything begins with you. Can I ask that you? said this idea of nothing comes from the outside it in the end that world that you were living in and I feel like we are living right now, an unprecedented times were inside of a global pandemic and I feel like a lot of people are waiting for the answers to come from outside they're waiting for someone to tell them they're waiting for life to go back to normal when there is no normal, everything is different and new, and so what would you say to people in that situation, where they keep thinking. If enough time those by the doctors, the advice? You know, I mean they're gonna, find answers, and I really believe you
have to be able to find joy and peace and contentment and centred ness in every piece of your life regardless so what is happening externally speak so beautifully her knees dead. Going through a very painful time. Because we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow in Auschwitz, then took us showered with didn't know where their water gas is gonna, come out, it sadly pain for time, but said to myself. If I just arrived today tomorrow, I'll be free. It's poor baby! It's permanent so That's why? I say don't say yes, but yes, and I can have a closer relationship with family. I can't write up her constitution and have rules that debt is punishment. That is only comes. I grant you can do
tremendous a man over. The time that candle really change everything for you but still warm. Do not try to rain course walk or get. Anything from the outside, because the more dependency, the more depression: you're going to have dependency breeds depression. You sad! When we first item here at the new book you send, you asked two questions. The first is did your childhood ends? What's the second key, would you to be married to you. I will to be married to me, but I Also really like myself, I dont know if other people want to be married to me, but I love me so very good. Said you don't need manner did your read tat We shall get and spies and everything nice day
We is, it starts to become as somebody at that at the lower end of whatever and you are toward too find somebody. Because you're nobody anti of somebody loves you. That's not. I all you are somebody. You are right. A person you can become a medical doctor. You can do now and think then what you were taught. You're carrying those messages. Now you don't, two followed was message it then you I thought you know and at times require they things from generation to generation and wit each people, what we have learned and I ask you whether you teach you do the same thing: you'll dot not to not to become somebody about to find somebody
when you said that I actually ask myself Are there any situations where I am reinforcing for her that, deal that you know, even even idols, rising, romance or or relationships, or which is so often right. What, when I was girl, we played wedding, we played bride, we played princess waiting for the prince There was not anything taught about. Who are you going to be? How are you going to show up? I can be a good person that was not a cop. Station that I had, and so I there are fees from my parents that are wonderful, but I do want to instil in my children by many many parts of what I had in my childhood that I would never want my kids to have as you know, I I if you're gonna red dragon two
studied Latin. So I'm quoting something my preferred. They told me that times changing envy changing with the times today. Is very important that Maybe it was in the MID west. Thirty years ago, people our stick. Waiting for the good old days. That's you can t standing ready. You can leave your door open. You know I was robbed a couple of months ago with all my jewelry, Someone said that they were to fix my router and I let a man so yes, Yes, so they're changing the rise at is finally here
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Progress to a challenge, check things off one at a time and get encouraged by some of your favorite inspirational teachers. You can grab the rise app on Android or Iphone and I hope you'll try it out the Sunday free trial, please check and on social, and let me know what you think and you and me, let's get moving. It's very important to really acknowledge that what you practice you're gonna, be, dead. That, and I like people, practice to talk to them sours, because You'd think! That's how you gonna feel you don't first and then think you'd think you'd feel it's good you're feeling so began to think about your thinking and the biggest The reason is, in your own mind, ouch with land.
To really develop morn my energy sources and the more I suffered stronger. Now became evident that the victim and its them daddy and I can survive it, and here I am telling you now I gave up never ever ever ever. Listen to your enemies you just there! and use them. Oh, why just like kind! on the highway. Don't let them get to you children, that very good, they can push you smarmy specially then start crying? Then you give him anything. Call it would have power would have power. And you dont out duet, charred ever
fishing with them. I wish I could give you the cookies before dinner. Oh I wish I could be bigger, Rockefeller then, and it just keeps keep wishing with them that life, but we exactly the way I would like to be an and not to say yes, but we're here know me but yes, and then down me more than that You would really not get into why because why? Because, Why should we say? No, so I love them this is why they cause Why is there passed study entered word? problem oriented- were I belongs to be cause. Why Baker Worldwide DES. Why not? Why? This is, dare to say what is going on and how we gonna move forward because my life is
the present, I did in the present. I never forget them asked for sure I'd Ford went so I say two things to think about your thinking and pay attention. What you're saying tension too. To ignore the bad behaviour as much as you can so, if your little girl there stood the effort in the most elegant rest all round I have to grab it's, just that to ignore it chances that she is learning what you can get by to get attention. She had run want attention attention is better than no attention bed it is better than no black. So I think is your pay attention. What you're doing Tension to and
look for something positive and reinforce that I love it. A positive reinforced strength, Don't worry, I'm proud of you see you, We are proud of yourself, that's your child doesn't have to perform for you. That's boring guy got regard. Reminder say, tell me for the new. Book it comes out in September. Is that right right? you know what weekday Fifteenth I can remember twenty nine kiss my birthday. I know he said I actually have a book coming out on September twenty nights I was hoping we were gonna, be book book twin. The little glad that you have your work can look you're. The new book is called the guests and do you think that that book as far as it for everybody or is it for people who are going through something specific mostly people who are the grieving.
Feeling and Healing and my age comes very handy because I want, to be called a grandma and the great grandma rather than Doktor, DDT, Reagan, children listened to grandma more than they listen to them by their way. Because they know I'm not smart, I'm wise agree. I agree. I, while you D, be wise, wise, doktor ear. I feel, like all of us feel like you are our grandma today, so Thank you. So much for taking the time to speak with us. To share your wisdom. I know I got so much out of the conversation and I am sure that the listeners did as well. So thank you so much for your time. Q and God bless you, there Hollis podcast is hosted by me. Rachel Hollis,
Our show is produced by Chelsea Har and edited by Andrew Weller. With a dish No production support by sterling coats, our executive producer is Cameron Bergmann the Rachel less podcast is a three percent chance. Production.
Transcript generated on 2020-09-22.