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236: How to STOP CARING What People Think: Part 1


This the start of a new series called How to Stop Caring What People Think, and there's all sorts of thoughts that I have on this. Originally this was going to be a single episode. But then as I started writing all the ideas, and realized we're going to need to do multipart, because I feel like this breaks down into layers.

There is this massive anxiety that exists around the opinions of others, and it doesn't really matter what age you are, or what culture. I think we have been taught that other people's opinion determines our worth. And I just think it's really important conversation to have because the world will give us 1,000,000 different things that we can do to try and fit in or to try and be liked or to try and get more likes.

And that's not the solution. The solution is, can you find personal freedom in yourself to be yourself? Do you like the person that you are when you're all alone?

That is that is freedom. That is the goal, I think, for all of us. I hope you enjoy Part 1 of this conversation!


Have you heard about the HOTLINE yet? Call (737) 400-HOCO, and press 1 to leave a question for Rach. Press 2 to share your story about the Hollis Company - it can be about your Start Today Journal, attending a RISE conference, coaching, or anything you want! We can't wait to hear from you ;)

Inner Circle is a private membership community of people from all over the world who are dedicated to becoming a better version of themselves. Each month Rachel teaches a lesson on a different topic (self-sabotage, how to create an action plan to achieve a goal, etc) and we work together as a community to hold each other accountable and do the work.

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Do you own your own business? Are you an entrepreneur? Pienaar? Do you have a side hustle I want to make sure you know about inner circle. Inner circle is my monthly coaching community, its people from all. Over the world and all walks of life, and a lot of us are entrepreneurs. Why? I do so many entrepreneurs look for digital education or online resources because its often hard to find that in our very real life lives so every single month I do two hours of live coaching with Q and a everybody's on together and were covering topics that feel Sting or inspiring to us as a group things like habits for success or why you might be self sabotaging or how to grow your business? be a better mom how to look at life with more joy, so you can leave a greater impact on the world. Around We would love to. Have you join us for inner circle? You can find out more details in the show notes below and here
is a little sneak peak from a recent coaching session to tell you what it's all about raise your hand if you have ever avoided reviewing your financial past work customer relationships because you're worried about the response that you're going to get its the same people who don't read like they own a restaurant, and they don't don't, read the reviews right there like. I don't want to know what people don't like about my Russia. I might you guys that's power. There is incredible power in and understanding what works and what did it work because otherwise, you're just gonna keep spinning your wheels on down the wrong thing right. There's Opel saying You know this one right, knowledge is power. No knowledge is power, applied knowledge is power, and if you are not we're viewing, what has happened then unit
have any knowledge to apply straight up the success or failure of your business if you're the leader, if you're the entrepreneur, if you're the one who, during this up, if you're print or whatever it is the success or failure, is here it's your mindset, it's how you think. It's how you shot, because I will tell you right now right now, if I hadn't lives through two thousand eight no freaking way, I would have survived twenty twenty, no way the amount of times that I wanted to just sit down on the ground and cry and just give up just walk away. All of this work all like. No, no,
Oh bs, all of the effort to get- and I was like this- is too freaking hard? This is too much. I can't do this. What like I'll go right, a vampire romance novel like I? What am I doing? Why am I tried so hard, but I had such a strong. Why I had such a strong. Why? Because I had all these people counting on me. All of these people who pay their bills working at this business were counting on me to be strong, were counting on needs to be a leader. Maybe your appearance and you have kids counting on you to figure this out. That was my store and I just kept thinking just just keep moving forward. Just stand up. You just stay in this fight. If you say in this fight, you'll figure it out, but you're not going to figure out anything. If you just lay down right now, quit it's important to understand how having a business makes. You feel, how does it make.
Feel if you're here, my gut, says you're high achiever, your super high capacity, you have big dreams, your aiming way appear right and if you're like that, you're like that and I'm gonna get I'm gonna go, I'm saying keep moving. I wanna keep grouping I'm and keep doing these things. Nothing can hurt me. Nothing can help me. Yes, I'm stresses fine. I'm gonna, like you, just keep going often use keep going until you have some kind of crash physically and mentally emotionally. We're just your bodies like I'm done, I'm turning now the success of your company is here: do you have a mindset that will keep you focus that will keep you positive? That will keep you looking for opportunity when it feels, like all hope, is lost. Do you? Are you sure, Luna Pier and the only way that you get there as you've got to unpack your feelings. Well, we're going to talk about what other people think of us today. That's we're going to talk about. We are
talk about? Is the start of a series called how to stop caring, what people think and there's also, the thought that I have on this than originally this is gonna be a single episode, but that, as I started, writing all the ideas I was like actually actually we're gonna need to do multi part, because I feel like this breaks down into layers. I feel like when we have this issue and honestly most people I knowed on some level, are concerned about what others think, whether that their friends there sit their mother in law, the other Mom's at school drop off the girls from high school that their cell friends on Facebook people on the internet strangers on the internet like perspective partners. There is this massive anxiety that exists.
Yes and it doesn't really matter what age you are like throughout cultures, throughout different parts of the world, where we as a society have just been taught, especially women. I think we have been taught that other people's opinion determines are worth and I just get the really important conversation to have because the war old will give us a million different things that we can do to try and fit an order, try and be likes or to try and get more likes, and that's not the solution. This solution is, can you find personal freedom in yourself to be or self? my friend Tom Bill, you says: can you like? when like nobody's with you, do you, like the person that you are when you're all alone, that is, that is freedom. That is the goal I think for all of us, but it's really hard to get to that place. If you obsess over, the
speculative and the opinion of others. I am Rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast. I, spend so many hours of every single week reading and listened podcast and watching Youtube videos and trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that's what we do on their show. We talk about everything. Life and how to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan for intermittent fasting? What's going on with our inner child house therapy working out for Whatever it is, my guests are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand these our conversations? This is information for the curious. This is the Rachel Hollis
I cast and I feel like this is a topic that I am uniquely qualified to talk about. A number one, because I was raised to be a people sir. I know a lot of us were. I am not speaking for ever. I'm one my best friends beans. Oh, she does not give a fuck like one of the most firing things in my life and I just tryin like absorb every time, a hang out with her, but she just doesn't have that thing that I definitely grew with which is like I want to be liked. I want people to think that a good girl. I want to do a good job. I want like show up well and do all the things it really was something that I encountered from the time. I was a little girl and I d
encountered it inside the church, and I know last who didn't go up with any sort of faith community and they sort of still felt this pressure from their parents, which was you were an extension of your parents, and so you were taught that to be pretty you needed to be smart. You need to get straight as you needed to do all these things, because you are representing Mama daddy or maybe were representing an even larger family that care deeply about the respect in the opinions of other people, So I was raised absolutely to be a good girl and to do what I was told and follow the rules so to the same thirty. Eight years old, I still have fear of getting into A and that shows up in big ways like even the times in my life I have like been speeding, unlike pulled over for a ticket and just felt like.
Oh my it's all crashing down like I have. I am in trouble now I have. I am the police are here like you you ve gone ten miles over the speed limit, you're getting a speeding ticket, I'm just like having an anxiety attack, because this fear of authority in the sphere of getting it wrong sphere of messing up. All of those things were ingrained in me for as long as I can remember so I spent a lot of my early lot, adult life. Once I became conscious of this, I would say, like the latter part of my twenties, beginning of my thirty's, really learning how to unravel and unpack this people. Please, mentality, and honestly, if you who are listening to this podcast on anywhere, you get your ponds just as an f, if your curious on Youtube on the Youtube Channel, Podcast go up with, like the full behind the scenes,
and when I see the full behind the scenes, I just mean those moments where I stop and then go get us espresso shot in my tiny sentiment. But if that kind of lifestyle content does anything for you that happened on Youtube Channel, so there you go as a quick aside, because apparently this whole episode is sides. I have completely changed. My caffeine intake, I started this process in the summer time when I met with Doktor Ayman, amen, glistened, that podcast episode and all brain health, and how to make my brain stronger and I don't even really Recognize, though, that I am today with caffeine. It's really funny, but I mostly just sort of exist and I fine, but everyone swamp midday. It feels like ok, we're just gonna have a little while city Pooh,
and that is fine cause. I'm allowed to eight have eight ounces of caffeine a day be Arms being raised to be a people pleaser and spending a ton of time trying to overcome it. I also wrote an entire book about this. If you really feel like you need to take a deep dive into the subject. I want to encourage you to go to library. You do not have to spend a single penny, gotta library and grab girl stop upon. Rising their entire book? Is about how to live your life with confidence? as who you are and and should have moved forward unapologetically you also listen to it on, audio? If you like, the sound of my voice, could I Mary all of my books, but the other reason I feel like I'm uniquely qualified to talk about this? Is I've gone through some pretty public fuck ups and it doesn't matter. If I didn't mean, to make the mistake and it doesn't matter if
it wasn't my intention. It still happens and its hawks How about this at the time when it happens in early April them friend had told me she's like there is a big difference between your intention and your impact? your intention behind. Something can be. One thing can be can be right. It can make sense to you and then your impact can be something else entirely. So what dealing with is the aftermath of your impact, even if that wasn't your intent. So I've talked a ton about that a million package about it I've been really in about that time period, and this isn't an for Tunisia like drugs, that back up, but I do think it too really interesting perspective that I bring to this because the amount of people press like really big press that wanted to interview me. After all,
happened to have me, talk about that experience and talk about cancel culture and talk about what that meant and then the press that hold their own story, cause I wouldn't do interviews with them, and their just was all of these things, and I think I am I'm not saying that as the like. Woe is me that is part of my story, and I really believe in my heart that that whole experience happened because it was necessary for my evolution, and I know I sound like a b, but it was the most horrible experiences in my life and I'm not exaggerating I mean, I think, if you can imagine if anyone listening to this are watching this. If you are people pleaser you, you know if you hatred minute, you want people to like you and then it feels like Everybody hates you and everyone so Angry and you didn't mean, but has really matter that you didn't mean to. I would never have chosen that experience, but.
I have the perspective I have today I learned what I learned. I read the books, I read I had the. European that I had. I went through all of these experiences because of that experience, so I dont begrudge it because I I didn't know what I didn't know that most of us right and my view of the world is so much greater than it was. I wouldn't have that if I hadn't gone to this really deeply painful experience where I did hurt people, If it wasn't my intention, I did her people's feelings. I did do something maybe but look at me in a different light, and it was. Talking brutal. It was sober. I I still can really rap my brain around how I made such a big mistake, but I did there's two past right. There's like ok, you messed up and here's what
when to do with this thing that happened, but then there is also a thing again a really unique perspective of how do you keep me? forward. When there are people who actively dislike you given the fact that I have a brand and I have been. I write books and I have this podcast it not just people who decide you with people who sort of dedicate themselves to dissecting and unpacking in that ok, that's their journey like everybody gets to do what they want to do. I don't begrudged that, but why I'm trying to get a is. I think that I have a unique perspective for you guys when I say like how to stop carrying what people think about you I have had to spend the last nine months, of my life learning how to move forward
when really publicly I've had a mess up? So this is an even one of those things where its are you even sure people are upset with you No, no! I know. I know that they are an how do you? How do you move forward? So those are the the unique perspectives I have sort of being raised to function in a certain way and then also the reality of having a really public failure and what that means, that's why I'm bringing to the table today guys. That's that's my sort of launch pad for this conversation, and I want to break this into two parts because, as I was laying out my thoughts on this, it came in to basically two camps. There was this whole list of things that I made that I realize was all about other people and then
this whole list of things I made that was really about yourself and your relationship with yourself. So today I want to talk about other people and people's opinions and what that means- and how it shows up in your life and how it keeps us inside. This fear and keeps us from doing trying to be anything other than what other people think is. Ok and I'm I guess we should start a conversation Why this matters. Why does it matter that? Maybe seemed to this end. You're, like one why does it matter? If someone else doesn't like your? What does it matter if you care what other people think I feel like? If you have to ask that question it's because you don't care what other people think, because most of the people that I know who struggle with us, it creates almost abila.
Eating anxiety, in fact, when I've done conferences or coaching or different things, and I'm talking to women a bow. Anxiety if we unpack it deeply enough the anxiousness? usually is about a fear of what other people think of them. It's a fear that there are a bad man and then I'm like. Okay, well, are you act? Can we unpack it liquor? You actually word your failing as a mom, or are you you worried that other mom our judging how your mothering, like our you worried about how you look really we or are you worry that other people think you look wrong like if we, pack, it so often anxiety for women, has a route in what they think they should be doing. It's like that old joke like stop. Shutting all over yourself.
There is no one way to be you. There is no one way to be a human. There is like there's just this, Ernie that you have and this life that your bless enough to get to live and allow the way you're gonna make rate. Traces, you're, gonna, make stupid choices, your guy We to have painful seasons and growth seasons and like exciting seasons, it's all part of it, and this life is long you're not meant to shop as one version of yourself, your meant to go, oh and evolve, and you we'll never reach the fullness of who you're supposed to be as human being? If you can't allow yourself to stretch and stretching sometimes means that you get it wrong, sometimes means that you feel flat on your face or sometimes means that you're. Actually, you don't really fail, but you are doing something that other people actively dislike, so
when you ask: why does it even matter it matters because so many people, are being held back from the greatness that is inside of them and greatness? That is Herman by you, like your greatness could be that you are going to be the the best second grade. You're, all of Omaha your great. This could be that you're gonna be the world's greatest stay at home dad. Maybe it's that you're gonna be a billionaire ceo. Unlike build a rocket to the moon before that test, does it like. I don't know I don't know what greatness is to you, but I guarantee freaking t you that if you don't allow yourself to explore that out of fear of being judged for being deferred you're, never gonna know what might have been an worry about this with women, especially because we
taught to stay and mine were taught to pay. A certain role were taught that we have a job. Ok, not all of us. God bless. Some of you definitely grew up with parents who raised you differently, but I was raised with the perspective that the goal for my life was to be. Some was a be like a good man's wife and have kids and be a good mama. That was the goal and that's beautiful. I am so grateful for the time that I was married. I am so grateful for my Is there the best thing that has ever happened or will ever happen in my life? But that's not the wholeness of me. That's not the fullness of me. There are so many parts that get lost if I die push against the boundaries and the narratives that were given to me from childhood. So that's why it matters it matters, because
You deserve the freedom to if your life, without carrying what other people think about you living your life and just imagine for a moment what we feel like for you. If just never again for the rest of your life If you never ever cared again what anyone thought of you, you didn't care, what they by your outfit, even care what they thought about your job. You didn't care if they, judging you for having those fries or for, trying to run a half marathon or for being a word, in parent or for going to college we're not going to college. Like just imagine for the rest of your life. You could just free up that whole cycle. Energy in your brain, I dont mean psychic like you could see the future, but I mean psychic like the psychic energy, of you?
Releasing this oppression on your life, a magic space you too have in your brain, like maybe it would be a rocket scientist. Maybe you would run. The great american novel like who even knows what you're capable of because you spend so much damned. I am worried that you're a size fourteen and you should be a size too. Oh, my God, You don't even know what your capable of, because you spend so much time with this. So that's why we're exploring this topic and I do think that, just like you or learning guitar or anything else. This is a practice. This is not something that you flip a switch and all the sudden you're, not ever gonna worry about it any more, but it is something that every single day you can start retraining your brain
and re calibrating your brain to stop obsessing over other people's opinions. So the first thing I do want to start with is the difference between really helpful feedback and unhelpful opinions you did not ask for and that don't serve you ok Oh, this is kind of a hard won because usually negative appear. And always feel negative. It doesn't feel good to get some kind of feedback that you are not right or that you ve done something wrong and I Let us start with this one, because it will be really easy for me to just like jump into a camp and say like sky Everybody's opinions screw what they think. Do your thing, don't care
That's really easy and I think, to some extent, that is true a lot, but not always sometimes the feedback that we get even if its deeply pain And hard to here is something that we need to hear when I went through everything in April and got so much negative feedback and had to dive, deep into understanding, white privilege and what that meant and. How I was being perceived in the world and all those parts like that was so off. And hard, and it would be really easy for me to tell myself stories or did put my head. The sand or to say like well, I didn't mean to hurt people's feelings, and so, but that's not the doesn't help me to grow that doesn't help my evolutionary process and in your own life, when you encounter feedback, that's painful. It is really helpful to just ask: is there any truth here is
anything that I actually do need to learn from this process, because sometimes, even if it's hard to hear that learning those painful things that we actually dont want to navigate through. That is how we become the best version of ourselves that is worth its price in gold because you couldn't have got to that version of yourself any other way you couldn't have learn those things. If you hadn't had to go to the really hard stuff you could have grown as a human being. If you didn't own up to your mistakes and apologize and learn to do better and keep going. So it is really important to just ask yourself too got check yourself is their value here. I see that we as intervene. Rules are not always a good judge of whether or not something has value for us, because we tend to be very hard on ourselves. So it's really easy. If you get negative feedback,
to be like yes you're right, I'm a piece of crap I suck I should give up. I should not keep trying. I should blah blah blah blah we're too hard on herself, so it's too easy to go there, where I think, there's incredible value in going through something where you're getting negative feedback is a closed circle, whether that's a single confidante, a mentor that you trust, a close group of friends, other people that you can see to to get their perspective because I was really blessed in going through what I did where I have this incredible community. I have this really amazing group of girlfriends, who can hold me accountable, so two examples of this are, saying that receive stupid on the internet and everything that happened in April and having girlfriends, who are like yeah, that was stupid,
and we know you and we know your heart and when are you didn't mean it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. That doesn't mean it didn't, hurt us as your friends or embarrass us as your friends it so happened, and so they were beautiful in that season. Two dance with me and also help me learn and help me grow, but do it through truth? and holding a mere up and challenging me in ways that were painful but so good, and then also God like going further back into twenty twenty? I got so much so much hey on the internet, when I got divorced and it still stand maybe I shouldn't dwell on this, but it still astounding to me because the meat and doesn't get any flak on. But I got a lot of flak. As the woman and thou shocking, my community is predominantly women, so I just found it so wild that
without anybody knowing our story or anybody knowing what really went on behind the scenes, because I won't share those details that people sided with him and frankly, I just add another. There should, besides at all all because nobody was going through that, except for us and our family, but I got so much negative feedback and so much hate about that and again, my friends were really powerful because I I really hard on myself- and I did- I started to slip into the narrative or slip into the belief that people are right and I was awful and I should have worked harder and you know all of these things and then those same people were the ones who helped me, Hannibal and we're like no your all you have done is teach on this idea that we reach for a better version of ourselves and
the better version of ourselves- has to stand up for ourselves when its necessary for survival, I'm getting to a place where it was impossible to keep sustaining for both of us meant that I had to choose what was right for me, and for my children and I needed, though friends around me to remind me that the voice strangers on the internet. Don't to say in my life and less, I allow them to and in that instance, there was no that wasn't helpful, that wasn't good, that wasn't part of my evolution that was strangers who had an opinion or a perspective that then their projecting onto me, so it really valuable to have people that you can trust that you can bring me things to and you can ask, and you also have to be willing to hold space for it.
Painful I mean you don't like you- can keep living as the same version of yourself for the rest of your life but if you want to grow as a human, any area of your life that always comes through something hard, you know that whole idea about you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Sometimes experiences push us, even though we don't want to even though we wanted just like stay right here. What's comfortable and good, the experience will actually force you to grow and I will choose the growth every time, even if that means
Unfortunately, some lessons I'm going to have to learn in a hard way. So it's worth asking yourself your friends, your your people, that you trust is the feedback that I'm getting right now actually helpful. Now, let's just real quick talk about the flipside, because my instinct for you is that twenty percent of the time the feedback is actually stuff You need to hear to grow eighty percent of the time the negative feedback is just be ass. It is Because, most of the time negative feedback from other, people about what you're doing what you're living, what you're wearing what you believe who you love any of it never comes from people who have experience in the thing you're trying to do it. Like how many times have you seen, people who are let's say trying to build their own business there,
foreigners are small business owners, their hustling Macgyver side, oh they're, doing their thing and the people who crap all over them, how and have you seem like a really successful entrepreneur turn around and wrap all over other people who are trying to be entrepreneurs very rarely, in fact, if you're seeing that that person's just a jerk, it's not based on any factual knowledge, because people who have achieved more than you have will ever judge you for wanting more me say it again for the people in the back there what you have achieved more than you have it. Area you're trying to grow health and fitness exercise running? your relationship, your business, getting out of debt going back to school, the people who succeeded- Those areas will never judge you for wanting to grow in the same area that they themselves grew in now
wine, because they're like Hell, yeah, that's my boots. Europe you're, my people you're my community you're trying to do the same thing and also they how hard it is so they're, not gonna judge you for trying for food. Killing foregoing again because they know what it takes to get to where they are. So if the people who done What you want to do are not judging you. That means the people who judge you are the ones that have no business talk, to you about that area of your life. No freaking business like wait, you haven't, walked in my shoes, you don't know what this feels like and so you, don't get to make me feel bad luck. I remember. My Ex mother in law. I love her as a human, but we had a rocky road for a very long time. Lots of years and
it was almost entirely wrapped around the fact that I am a working mom and I mean I remember, being pregnant, my first baby, how many people said you know so you're you're not going back to work right and I was like what no I mean it Of course I was an entrepreneur. Even then, I'm like I spent all these years. Building this business, I'm not gonna, just stop doing it. Anything owning my own business means that I get to make my schedule now in like a have more control than if I worked for someone else again going back to work and I'm. If you read my books, you listen punk ass, you, all about that journey of shame that I felt because so many people in Our family, my ex husband night, like so many people in our family, were so judgmental more downright like hateful about it and said awful things?
you are going to screw up these kids. Why just like so so awful me, never to them and never were like, will, what's it going to do to your kids that you're working full time Dave like what's that nobody has? literally. Nobody has ever said that to him, but I that a lot, and maybe you got that a lot, and so I, oh, my gosh. I start with it a million different ways and work too overcome at and work till. I see that with lugs. I thought. Okay, this is their fear speaking there speaking their fears onto me and just almost that fright, but the biggest and most power full realisation I had years ago. So like wait a minute. This person, who is judging me so harshly for this choice, has never been an entrepreneur has never hustled has never tried to build. Something has never
ever walked the same path, and I have but she's telling me it's not possible to be a good mom and to work simultaneously, but she's never tried to do what I'm doing. Why in the world, would you take feedback from Sir one who is not an expert in the area you are trying to move in and we do it all the time so its powerful to ask yourself. Ok is this for me, or is there something I meant to learn in the six? and even if a tart, ok, no in this instance. Yes, I'm alone here actually Amazin since no does not apply to me. So then the second option is ok. I should not be taking feedback from somebody who doesn't know better. If you don't know better, you don't get to talk to me about this.
Because I'm Tellin ya, if you are talking to someone who is an expert they're, going to be encouraging of you, they're going to be supportive of this thing- that you're trying to do they're, not gonna, be a jerk about so it's kind of an easy waited to check is are you is that feedback is being given to with love or is being given to out of fear, because things are haven't you with love, even if their hard to hear those help you grow things that are someone else's fear that they're trying to project on you will slow you down will kill your momentum. Will stop you from any kind of different, exciting cool. Do you know elevating life experience, mostly because people are afraid, but all Oh on a more like human level that people do not want to admit to you changing youth.
And to do something different than they are doing Rama, them that their stock reminds us that they keep living same life year after year reminds that they may different choices, you being free, you being, Are you having the confidence to be who you are removed, other people that they are still locked in a cage and they hate that other than look at themselves and what's going on in their own heart, they will slip it and make it you being wrong because of you if you're right it this ability to express ourselves and be free if you're right, the not me I may have lived the last sixty years of my life wrong. Don't let someone does not know what they are talking about.
Tell you that you're getting this wrong. Another great question to ask yourself about the opinions of other people is: are they even really talking about you? Are they Even really. Judging you is this real or is this something you are imagining because Ninety eight percent of the time nobody's thinking about you, I promise? I don't care how many followers you have on social media. I don't care what you think. Nobody thinking about you there thinking about themselves, honestly you're over here obsessing about all these people who are judging you, but you're not thinking about Sally Palmer Kerala, Steve because you're busy obsessing about yourselves that most people most people are for
guess on themselves and worried that everyone's judging them but were over here worried about ourselves. No one thinking about you most of the time. Yes, are there sitting, missions where you slip involved when you're at the grocery store, and it's like ten people saw happen and also the security guards on the video thing. And yet those people saw you and maybe they're, judging or maybe they're laughing, that's a real scenario, and there are times yes, where you Do something or say something you get feedback gets people are thinking about you in that instance, but most of the time nobody thinking about, you and honesty. All that I mean this is something we need to learn at thirty, eight at sixty five at fifteen at fine how much of our lives we spend living in fear unable to be ourselves and you get to the older years of your life and realize wholly crap. What did I
not do what did I not try? What did I not explore? Who did I not kiss Where did I not go all because of a fear of judgment and really nobody was judging me and I lost all of this opportunity and all of these currencies and all these memories that could have been based on my imagination, so asking self or reminding yourself or frankly, light. You yourself know anything much worse. We need to say that you yourself ten times a day, because that fear you're being judged constantly or that people are thinking about you. That is your ego, that is, your ego, that is you obsessing over you and being positive that everybody else's obsessing over you too, so ask yourself or hype yourself up with the truth that no dude
he's not is not real. This is a lie that that voice in the back of my head tells me to keep me afraid and to keep me stuck. Nobody is talking about you Nobody cares, I mean, maybe you makes a move lives, and maybe you do some things that may be right. Some words, maybe record podcast. Maybe you go get that degree Maybe you run for local office. Maybe you do something that stirs the PA and that gets people talking about you in good ways, but at least then it's because you made an actual wave and the water, not because you told you self a story about what might be nobody socket about EU. Thirdly, sometimes there are people who, like I said before, offer us an a penny. In their opinion about what we should be doing, how we should be living where we should show up this, haven't the tunnel so
mean if your building a brand on social media have a business there ever has got an opinion right and they like to for their opinions about you and back in the day, I feel like people would offer an opinion about your work. This is like the twisted distinction that has happened with social. When I first started writing, I think I publish my first book and twenty fourteen people they didn't like the work said I dont like her work. I don't like her writing here's. Why don't like her writing now? If you create something People don't say here's why I don't like her creation. They say here's why I don't like her. They find ways, even if you own a local coffee shop or a bakery, they make it about you as an individual, is so demoralising can really trick us into believing that our identity is what we do
that our identity is our public facing brand, and this was a really powerful tool for me. Maybe we'll help some of you years. Go. I realise that even when p, Bon me internet, don't like me, there's plenty of em and that's ok. Cause I'm not for everybody, and I dont want to be for everybody. If I'm tryin to please the masses, then I'm not really creating content that matters to me, or that speaks to my heart, because it would be impossible for me as an individual to create things that make everybody happy, but I I had this like really powerful realisation years ago that if someone does like me, amusing airports, nothing to do with me Rachel this woman, that I am right now sitting in this chair in my den because with love you don't know me is this is a you know. This is
whatever two hundredth something podcast, it's been around since twenty seventeen, maybe listen the episode, maybe my biggest fan. Maybe you just came into the mix. Maybe you follow me on the social accounts. It doesn't matter how much you consume my content, you don't know me. You know my brand. This is true for any sort of public facing persona, whether that's an author upon castor oil, What business? You only know the perception that you have of that brand, and you only know it through the lines that you see it, meaning you're, an entrepreneur or maybe you started listening to this podcast, because I'm an entrepreneur- and you like that angle right, maybe your mama and you like hearing me talk
having kids, and so that's the lines that you came through. You came through a very specific path to get to consume this content right now and that path colored your experience of what my brand is so, for instance, I grew up in the christian church. My faith is very strong and lots of people decided years ago that I represented a christian woman to them that I am like. Oh I'm, using airports again with respect, but like a christian woman, they decided that that's what I represented the problem with that is that a decided that I was whatever christian woman meant to them. So their perception of that then projects on me, which would be all well and good until you learn that I am the most liberal human you ve ever met I'm feminist as fuck
us, I believe, in women's rights, I believe in equality, for everybody. I M spear sure, I'm which she I love God and I love my faith, but I believe it so much bigger than the world that I was raised inside of, and I also don't that anybody else gets to tell me what my faith is or tell that my way of practising it is wrong, but that is deeply channel. Jane to someone who may be as very conservative and sort of attach their conservative ideals to what it meant to me, because I came from the christian faith. So the reason that I bring all of that up is If you were my friends, my real life best friend I'm having a holiday party this weekend and those people, gathering in my living room to have cheese and crackers
our real life members of my real life cleanly. Do they know me? Well, so those are the people that, if something happens quickly on social media. They don't look, the social media, they commie NGO, the Hell's Goin on what are you doing what's happening? Those are real life friends and those people are the opinions that I care about. That's what's powerful, for you here is to understand that any sort of public persona. They don't want. No, you I remember watching I love Taylor. Swift, I was watching Miss Americana, her documentary on Netflix and there's this part was she's like talking about how the world hates her in He says this line that I've never forgotten. She's, like I like some Pash tag light I hate Taylor. Swift trend did for twenty
hours on Twitter she said do you know how many people have to hate you in order for that hashtags, a trend for twenty four? as worldwide, and I remember feeling so sad for her, because I was like oh baby girl data. No you not a single one of those people who use hush hashtag, no you they hate the brand and those are two different things and when you start to leave that your identity is the same thing as your public image. As your business as being the head of the pda you start to believe that who you are you're missing it so there's Our in understanding that the opinions, do care about. It should be a small and very tight circle, those people who love you, no matter. What who hold you accountable in you hold them accountable and that's the ring real life.
Doing life as a group, that's what it looks like The last thing I'll say on this topic is heard. My past her years ago said this line that I just love he said, don't give people in the cheap seats and expensive opinion in your life. Don't give people in the cheap seats an expensive opinion in your life? You gotta, ask yourself, are they the cheap seats? Are these people sitting on the sidelines and judging me and they are not doing anything there stuck in a for sound they're, not even trying. But they really like to yell at me and tell me how bad I'm doing. I remember the first negative review that I ever got for writing. And he may be heard me- tell the story that Viral Thou night decided on. Terrible rider and should give up and then- I realized that one person
anyone was about to destroy my love of creating and right. The written word So I made the decision that I would never again reed another review and I had never half of anything. I've done good, or bad. I have no idea. No, if you have no idea if you hate it, because it's not that's not why I'm doing it if you're doing something if your creating something. If you reach him for something, because you want adoration you're already starting on the wrong foot, you're already starting off said- yourself up for this kind of anxiety, because you think that the opinions of people matter more than the opinion of yourself. That's it. That is a battle. You cannot win. So it's worth asking you when you get feedback, and it doesn't mean you have to hold anger, push anger out into the world or negativity or any of it. When you see
something in it triggers you when you see a common on social, were you here again? Oh your aunt Ruth say something so the caddy under Rather, whenever SAS ask yourself where's their seat where's their seat, they on the field Are they in the ring? Are they taking part? Are they running these miles? Are they doing this entirely different nutritional? and with me are they doing any of this? To no ok, then Yaller in the cheap seats, you're a spectator, girders watching, and if that's the case you don't. I came in here Are you I'm over here working I'm putting my head down I'm doing the work. I am committed to this vision. I have for my life and you dont get an opinion here. Is it really easy? It's really easy to get sidetracked by what other people are And if you allow yourself it will rob you of all momentum, all of it. One of my favorite color
and reminders to myself is the devil doesn't need to destroy you. He just needs to distract you. How often are you distracted by the fear of what other people think it happens? A lot, and I started with a conversation about other people, because next week we're gonna talk about us how we contribute to this in ourselves, but also what can we do to a focus to be a line to make choices and have habits and have the mindset that says I know my values. I know who I am. I am moving forward with purpose and when I move forward with purpose when I move forward with love when I move forward with intention. I know my heart and soul I don't have to be worried about what other people think of what I'm doing, because I know who I am that's next week,
but I hope that this gave you some food for thought. I hope that this was a good conversation and it was helpful to you and if you enjoyed it, I hope that you will send it to somebody that you think might find it helpful as well. This is hard work that we do on ourselves, but this is good work, you're here, because you want to make change your here, because want to elevate you're here, because you want tomorrow, to be a better version of union today was a thought always easy, but it helps if we have the courage to look at the things that are holding us back and have been holding us back for decades. Thank you for joining me for pod, I appreciate you and your listener ship and Until I see you next time, I love you and I'm reading. For you,
The Rachel Hollis podcast is hosted an executive produced by me, Rachel Hollis. Shows produce by sterling coats and edited by Andrew Weller
Transcript generated on 2021-12-07.