« The Rachel Hollis Podcast

257: Are you a MEAN girl?


Hey y'all, welcome to another episode of The Rachel Hollis Podcast, with me, Rachel! Today I'm sitting you down as your friend, your big sister, your mamma (whoever you need me to be) and asking you a super important question. Are you a MEAN girl?

Don't worry, this episode is not supposed to make you feel shame. Yes, I'm going to tell you how you can identify traits in your beautiful, wonderful self that might not be...the best, but more importantly, I want to talk about why it is that, oftentimes, we can find ourselves slipping into the shoes of Regina George and how instead we can start manifesting goodness and joy and acceptance of ourselves by putting that into the world for others.

Identifying these habits and making changes is not an overnight process, but starting the journey and keeping the goal of who we really want to be and how we want to show up in the world for each other at the center of our relationships is a transformation that I promise is so worth it. I hope you enjoy this episode!


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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
There's a beauty and stripping away the pieces of us that don't serve the pieces of us that make us the worst version of ourselves or that sort of create something negative inside of us. And if you don't take time to think through that an unpack it, then you run the risk that it's gonna stay with you. Wherever I am Rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast spend so many hours of every single week, reading and listened podcast and watching Youtube videos and trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that's what we do on their show. We talk about everything, life and how to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan for intermittent fasting? What's going on with our inner child house therapy working out for
whatever it is my guests are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand these. Our conversations. This is information for the curious. This is the Rachel Hollis. I'd CAS hi guys welcome to what this week's episode of the pact ass, I am ready to Hollis your host, your friend, you big sister, you favour cousin. You know sickly, whatever you need me to be your mama, like all I'm here, for it I am at this is so silly, but I'm so distracted this morning by my bag is so tense and my shoulders. Oh tens and I haven't had a massage in ages, and I keep
This has of today's episode, but just role with me for a minute. I keep trying to get a massage appointment and like free, go to look for one on a couple, different places where no to go in Austin, it's like they don't have anything for like a month and then, when I just get like I don't, I don't want to wait that long I'll find other option and then a dope book it and then that much, It goes by, and then I think I why, in I, just oh reach get it together and today I went to see about a massage stolen book it,
but I do have a great thought which I was like. Oh dang is harder to get a massage now, because one of the things that people took out of twenty twenty was the importance of health and self care and taking time out for yourself- and I just really want to believe that that is the truth and that's why it's hard to get someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders. So I slipped it and I feel think it's an awesome thing and I'm just continue to try and handle this myself. I will go and like Rome, you know you'd, like a foam roller roll out. My back, I use a heating pad dry just about everything cause. My boo thing is in Europe for a couple of weeks, and that's usually, who I turned to my: can you rub my shoulders and make this feel better, but That has nothing to do with. Today's episode was just something I thought was like thing it. I will
her practice seems himself caracks them here for guys and if you're not practising self care, maybe you're listening to this podcast, because you need that reminder because today we're gonna talk about mean girls and whether or not you I anyone listening, might have some mean girl tendencies. Orange straight up be a mean girl.
Does that mean? Why does this happen and how can we make change and actually come to think of it? Starting the conversation talking about self care is not about idea, because if your truly loving yourself, then you'll truly love and care for other people. So that's where chatting about today, everyone, let's start with this topic, I'm not sure it must have been invented by Tina Faye. When she wrote the movie mean girls or I'll, wait. No, that yeah cause that movie. I feel it is based on a book unless I'm crazy called something like queen bees and wannabes. I feel, like I heard that, once my big Tita they found. So if you like, I heard that once and she wrote the movie mean girls which, if you have not seen the I come out from under the rock that you ve been in for twenty years and give that a gander causes still shut up, it's still hilarious,
Lindsey low ham. I won't say it's at her best, because I really think we can all agree that the best Linsey ever was was impair trap? Remember they remade parent trap with Lindsey, and it was fantastic and it had all what is his name. The handsome Quaid was in it as the dad and then, Oh, I forget who plays the mom, but she died in that tragic skiing accident rest in peace. and then there was Meredith. Why do I only remember one characters? They only remember the girls at Lindsey low Hand place, but I remember Meredith, which was the dad's fiance, what a movie again Nothing to do with this mean girls mean girls, the movie fantastic ass. It sort of gave us all this phrase and this terminology, What I want to talk about today is how this actually shows in real life, and this shows up in school.
Lastly, I know that there are listeners of the show who are in middle school in high school: what's up girls thanks for joining and I am sure that you are experiencing this every single day, but it also carries over into adulthood. Many of us are having to end act with a mean girl in real life, and I'm gonna talk about that but really why wanted to do? This episode was because I wanted to consider what, if you're the mean girl- and you never thought about it before and so I'm gonna go through some things today and I just want you to open your mind and open your heart to wear. This might show up for you, because I I genuinely live my life, trying to love everyone and works, oh hard on being non, judgmental and being open and accepting of every person, and even with that, as a core value and
one thing that I aim for in my life. Even then, I still find myself judging Even when I was going through making my notes, I still was like our dang. I definitely have done that before, so I dont think any of us escape this and there's a there's a beauty and stripping away the pieces of us that don't serve the pieces of us that make us the worst version of ourselves or that sort of create something negative inside of us, and if you don't take time to think through that and unpack it. Then you run the risk that it's going to stay with you forever and that's what I wanted to get into today. So, just to start, let's talk about the different kinds of mean girls, because it's possible that you actually are one of these and you don't think that you're a mean girl, because you're not actually being mean to someone's face. Okay
So the snark e mean girl, the one who's sort of God, like a snark comment for everything, they sort of, say, bitchy things under their breath and then make back handed. Compliments there, like this le they're, just like their starkey and they're, not overtly mean they're, not accede. For hard core rude, but there also honestly, not someone that other people gravitates you they put people off and often times. That's a protective mechanism are going to talk about that. What kind of why do we arm ourselves with these things, but one type of mean girl, the snark III mean grow and the second type of mean girl is the funny mean girl. Now this is the person who makes every one laugh like she is the life of the party she's. All
got a joke, but all of her jokes are about other people and more than once in life may be more than once in your interaction with her there's been a joke. That goes too far, there's something that she says that really hurt your feelings or she should have pushes the line just like a little bit too much. But if you often times you don't say, meetings were like all they didn't mean it right, or maybe you actually do. The clergy How your friend, like hey, that that actually stung that hurt my feelings, the funny mean girls, like oh lighten up like it's just a joke and you take a joke. The funny mean girl, the third kind that I thought of was the passive aggressive mean girl. Oh man, the
passive aggressive mean girl coming to you live in the form of mother in law's all over the world. It's the person, the woman, the girls School, who is absolutely judging. You is absolutely thinking negative things or wants you to know that she thinks what you're doing is wrong, but she's not actually going to say it straight to your face, she's going to couch it in a passive aggressive way. You know it's the omigosh, it's it's amazing that the kids are doing so well in school. Given how much you work right, it's the it's! The like I'm going to passively. Attack you, but make no mistake. Even if it's a passive approach, it still absolutely someone being mean. The fourth kind that I thought of was- and this might be a lot of you,
So I want you to like take this in for a minute. Is the mean girl, that only is mean behind people's backs. She just talks crap about everybody to everybody and make no what date the I actually had an adult friendship, meaning like I was friends with someone in my adult life. That was this person, and I should have realised this as a red flag. She had shit to talk about every single person that we both new and even people. I didn't know she always had something to say she always had like, Oh, like got gas at big gossip, and you probably have like women that you know moms at school girls at school women at church who love to gossip, but make no mistake if someone's gossiping about everybody
You better believe that their gossiping about you, two other people, the behind your back me. Oh, I think, is a lot of people and they don't realize o crap. I am because, if you listen to this punk ass, you know how I believe in the idea of and the energy that we put out into the world and how that Is the result of the energy that we get back and I Presley wondered this law. I wonder how many people, not just women but men, kids, whatever going around unconsciously being mean being judgmental saying, Saki things Putting that negative energy out into the world and the negative energy is coming back them and big, don't understand. Why, like how many p
both are not making the connection between their actions and the karmic response, because what you put out is what you get back straight up like go. Listen to my episodes about law of attraction, about manifesting at look I've, I've a perfect example of this. So as not about being mean, this is about you put out into the universe. So if you listen to my series on love attraction, I golly camp remember which episode it as I apologise, but if you scroll back a little bit, you'll be able to find it. A two part episode on love attraction was really popular with listeners. And inside one of those episodes. I did this thing called the ten dollar challenge with something
meet up in the moment, because I just wanted to prove to people that what you are putting out into the world you're going to get back and what we expect is what we will receive. So I was I challenge listeners. I said I want you to challenge yourself that you're going to find ten dollars this week, you're going to find it on the ground, you're going to find it in an old purse. You forgot it was there but like I want you to anticipate that you're going to find ten bucks. So we do this ten dollars challenge and the response was wild. I made a whole episode that we put a whole episodes of people just sharing their stories of how big just kept finding money and spoiler. Nobody found just ten dollars. Is everyone frolic, forty two dollars, air or twelve or whatever. It was just a beautiful example of like what were putting out and taking it. So
I was I was doing. I was recording episodes I just recorded to episodes which hope we ve got a chance listened too about the mindset that you need to attract money and right. Lee those episodes were about what we believe about money and how we were raised by our parents of consciously and how that affects our ability to hold on to money and not so sabotage money. You can go listen to those, but anyway I was recording these episodes and I was talking about the ten dollar challenge, and when I finish recording, I thought you know why I'm gonna make up a new challenge for myself and by the way you guys. Control is still this idea if you want to, but I'm gonna make up a new challenge myself, I'm going in, and I dont want to be something that conservative be an accident. I really challenge myself to attract something into my life that, like
Can only be the universe, it's not like. Oh I found you know, I'm going find a penny like we can all find a penny on the ground, but I wanted to be something that I felt like We know the universe was supplied to me. So I come up with this idea. Unlike some one is gonna buy me a drink. I know right, like oh but I just thought: well that's acute idea, like some by me drink that really doesn't happen in life. If I am not single, I'm not going out by myself, I'm not so I don't really have people buying drinks, and I just thought if that happens, When that happens. I'm gonna know that this is the universe giving me like a week. So I tell my boyfriend. I like the here's my idea, the universe is gonna. Send me some is gonna. Someone's gonna buy me a drink Ok, can I buy you drink? I'm like yours. As we know, that's not the point it has to be a stranger is going to buy me a drink and I dont know if it's gonna be caught.
the like I'll, be in line at coffee bar in someone's, going be like go this one's on us or whatever I dont know what is Gonna be, but I know what's gonna happen. So a day goes by two days go by and unlike just sort of anticipating, like where's my drink, coming frau like it's gonna come to me. I know it and on the third day I was reading some and I dont know what it was, but it was talking about this idea of like what were putting. I am, I think it was Louise hey if you guys have not devoured. Louise, hey she's, the freaking grandmother of all of this conversation. God rest her soul, like go, listen to herself on audible, go grab the books The first one you should start with is called you can heal your life by Luis Hank, go check that out going to someone's wedding is basically one of my favorite things in life and-
since the pandemic, I haven't gotten to go to one. So if you're planning a wedding, we you invite me and also, If you're planning a wedding, do you know about Zola, for any kind of wedding you want, there is only one place to start Zola. Zola has everything you need all in one place. They ve thought of everything, venues, invite registries and more and I'll be with you. Every step of the way threw out your wedding planning, dirty whatever your style or budget, they ve got you covered once you ve set the day, you can send save the dates and invitations right on Zola, too There are so many great designs to choose from, and you get a man, teaching wedding website for free now, time for the really exciting part building.
your wedding registry. Whatever you want, whatever your interests, they ve got it for you start planning the wedding. You want at Zola, DOT, com that z, oh, a doubt. Come some reading this book and something in it triggers this idea of like what we put out is what we get back, and I have this like realisation. The spark of oh, my gosh. I. need to buy. Someone a drink, I need it like if I want the universe to supply me with that, I'm going to buy someone to drink what a fun idea, so I just would have put that in my head and that afternoon boyfriend and I go on a date- and we go to this restaurant- that we love and we sit at the bar and there's live music, and we have a great time
I am, and at this bar the last time we were there. We had met this older woman, gotta, be in her seventies, and she goes and sits at this bar every single day, every single day, her husband's pass away, and this is like her life. She sits at this bar every single percent, this restaurant and this bar no her. Sometimes she has France and She doesn't, but I mean I'm sure this kind of person exists all over the world is dislike, her jams, what she does and she said to the barn she makes friends, and it just so happens that the last
Can we were there? I was sitting next to her and we make friends right and so the next time ago there she is, and this time she's here with a couple of older people, her age and they're, all sitting at the bar them in a great time, and I'm like oh my gosh she's, the one I'm gonna buy a drink, for she is the one I'm gonna buy a drink for like this is amazing, so hole. I tell the bartender unlike hey. If I buy her a a shot, will she do it? They just have this instinct that this older woman would get a kick out of some one buying her shot cause like what in the world- and they were like. Oh my gosh, you will love it like she'll totally. Do it she's wild, like you, should get her shots like businesses, but some go get you guys get a shot like whatever you think. She'll love get a shot. So I'm watching, like in intensive,
I should like Mr Burns in the Simpsons just like, like care way for her to get the shot, so I'm watching she gets it and she so confused like what is going on. Where did this come from whatever? So I roll on down? Unlike a girl- and she is die laughing and she's like trying to do the shop, but she doesn't know how whatever and the whole time this is happening at the table behind her is a woman who had recognize me and is highly possible. She will in this cuz she she said she was Van podcast. I want to say her was Ashley, but forgive me if I've gotten your name wrong, sweet friend but earlier in the day, she had come up to me and said: oh, my gosh love the podcast, so grateful for your work, and I was like oh my gosh here. Thank you for saying I and I go over to sit with my friend. Who's gonna do a shot energy
happens at the girl who had complimented me and said. Hi earlier was sitting at a table like behind her, so she's watching being like what is going on like what is this older woman in her seventies, doing a shot wise Rachel over here. What is going on and everyone around US bar tenders, the older couple that was with my new friend ever were all just like. Cackling diet was so. Funny Khazars such enjoy in the moment of being unexpected right to have this great moment it so fine she does a shot. She gives the greatest toes I've ever heard in my life hold on. I have to remember, for you guys. I just want you to imagine like just in your heart, like woman and her seventies, why air holding a shot- and she says- ok, I gotta go to be really like a rhymes. What is ok, she holds the shot up, and she says here is the link
you know me well all the rest, Go to hell is amazing. She's such a fireball, a baby, so happy we're all Kathleen's like this is totally joyful moment. I go sit back with boo thing: we're listening to music and at the end of the night the server, comes over and says: oh hey just so you know your last round was on that table and she points to the girl who had recognize me from the podcast. So I just want you to track this for a minute with me guys I want ed to just get like a wink from in the universe, and then I was reminded that the goodness that we put out into the world is what we get back,
and another woman watched me by a drink for someone just pure, we, delay and to send joy and just to give this woman a little moment of significance. She watched me do this then it was like a domino effect that then she bought my drink. It was that fast and that's what I think is so amazing about the universe. amazing about the vibration that we put out, because we think that it supposed to be hard. We think that we have to wait for joy. We think that we have to wait for happiness or abundance and the truth is when you put it out, it comes back to you almost immediately when is from a
early joy for place when there's no ulterior motive, when you're not doing it to get something it's that fast. But the reverse of that is also true Why does it matter? If you know whether or not you are mean girl, you mean tendencies, because if you feeling like what man? Why does does this so hard? Why does? Why is this rough? Why do we do Friction with the people around me. Why do? Why does? Why do I feel, like everyone's always mean whatever A lot of times mean girls are just react there, like I'm just reacting to other people, but what they don't understand is the bare vibration is so low that their vibration is so toxic that there actually attracting that toxicity back into their life. So it may
matters, because I think that you want a better life. I dont think that you want to be this way. I dont think that you want to be this person, because it is impossible impossible for you to be mean without that, being the results of pain that is inside of you, if you're being mean to other people. However, that shows up. It means that you are in pain, that's why it matters. So, let's talk about how mean girls operate and again, I want you to be really open and honest with yourself about whether or not any of these apply to you so the first character
stick of mean girl? These are not in order. These are just as they occur. To me is they are judgment, mean, girls are very judgmental. They are judging other people forever she's. Judging you based on your outfit, your judging based on her religion, her sexual orientation. You think her hair looks funny, you think she's, not parenting correctly. You think she's screwing up, you think that you could do a better job. If you were given her opportunities, you think that she's spoiled you think that she's in Thai fill in the blank it doesn't matter, what it is, and frankly even matter if you're right, the judging hurts you weigh more than it. Does her see one of the the greatest gift I hope to give my children is autonomy
over themselves autonomy over themselves, meaning I want every single one of my kids to believe that they, get, they can dress, however, they want they can love her wherever they want, they can believe what they want. They can be their own, unique, beautiful, special creation. I care about their values. I care about their heart. I care about. Are they kind to others? That's what I care about. I don't care if they have a mohawk, I don't care. If your hair is green, I don't care if they want tattoos, I don't I don't care. That is a an outside reflection of self expression. I care about who they are on the inside, and the reason I want them to have a Tommy over themselves is because I believe that when when they have freedom too. Who they are, they will automatically give it to other people. If you are
on my Sunday email if you get my Sunday email you a couple of weeks ago, probably read the email send out about my son turning fifteen. and, if you're not getting my email? I write an email every single week about my life about things that are helping me about my favorite books about my future. Now polish, like whatever the link, is in the show notes or the description of this if you're watching Youtube just sign up, it's a free email comes every Sunday, but I wrote this email about my fifteen year old and he's just the most confident amazing kid- and he saw himself He, whereas now Papa she does musical theatre. He is so proud of who he is. He always has been. He wears like crazy vintage closed from the good unlike Ya'Ll. We do not live in New York. He goes to high school in Texas Hill Country, which, if you're confuse, is
not a very liberal like welcoming and he's just his freaking self. Where's chunky rings a necklace it like he's, just him is beautiful, and not only is he himself, but he just is not judging of their people like he's. Never look. Look at that guy's out, like everybody's allowed to be who they are you're only judging if you feel that you do not have freedom, you are only judging someone if you feel in some way, oppressed and constrained, because if you feel like you're allowed to be who you are you give other people permission to do the same. It's like it's always amazing to me that people, who are really conservative Americans ten to talk a lot about freedom right,
they'll say you know. This is a free country and blah blah blah, but those people often are really judge: mental about people who are not conservative like they are, and the opposite is also true- that the hypocrisy and like conservative talkin about being free, the free country and then Georgie judging people who are trying to freely express themselves and then the opposite is also true because hard core liberals are often so liberal about their freedom and being who they are and accepting of everybody, but they're so judgmental about conservatives, and this just pushes us further away from each other, and I think that the judge mental Nature and is always existed. but it certainly worse now that people can hide.
In the anonymity of comments section on social media right like a unity, it used to be that you sat at the table with someone or you. like have beer together or you'd, be in class or around a dinner? able any be like, I totally disagree with what you think and maybe like why. I totally disagree with what you think and then you talk about it like human thanks, and maybe one of you would help the other one to understand your perspective, or maybe you just agree to disagree. But it was like a real conversation this week. heard warped world that live in with social media. now allows people to just judge like in a snapshot. Right like I saw one thing and now I think you're
asshole and I'm gonna buy the way, let you know and again the thing that your judging them for remove it because it doesn't even matter. I know that this may come as a shock to many, but how someone else lives their life actually has no effect on you. This is what's freaking wild, so wilds me a lot of love you all. I love you are trying to talk from both parts of this, but what is forever so shocking to me is people who are very have very conservative religions who will decide that how someone else lives their life is affecting them, especially I mean if we, let's just let's take Christianity. The number one tenant of the christian faith is love thy neighbor love thy neighbour as they, but
logistic love thy neighbour is is where we start at the foundation of the call to arms right, love, thy neighbor, not judge thy neighbor, not tell thy neighbour that they're doing wrong, because how she's living, how she's mothering? How he's voting, who he loves, doesn't actually affect you and frankly, if your obsessing over the judge of other people have to wonder. If it's easier for you to judge them, then it is for you to look at your own heart cause. Usually what were judging some one else for is something that either we are jealous, which I may get too in a minute we're jealous, because on a core level, we want the thing that they haven't. We don't have it or there's something in them. That is a reflection of ourselves where, judging because we see something and then, though, that that
hit me funny, and so I'm in a judge, because I'm trying to separate myself from having to look inside dearer feel like you, keep running and to the same kinds of self sabotage, and maybe you ve read books or you listen podcast, but you just would have can't break through that bear. Here it highly possible that what you need to do. What you need to learn is not external its internal and that kind of internal process is made possible through
therapy or counselling. I am a massive believer in the power of therapy, which is why better help has been a partner with me on this podcast for years. If you're not already familiar better help can assess your needs and match you with your own licence, professional therapists in a safe and private online environment. You could start communicating with someone and under forty eight hours is not a crisis line. It's not self help, its professional counselling done securely online. You can send a message to your cancer at any time and you'll get timely and thoughtful responses. Plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions all without ever having to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room again. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change cancers if you need to
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but the bottom line is the judgment. It doesn't do anything for you. If you wanna, get biblical gazelles quote scripture with me all day: preachers daughter, preachers, granddaughter judge, not less yourself be judged. People in glass houses should throw stones as not serving you, and unless I am, I dont I am not mistaken. Hold on Gabby Bernstein does have a book called judgment, detox which I have not read, but it's what popped into my head. If you feel like this, is you and you want to work on? Judging less ok? The second thing that I thought of when it comes to mean girls is asking yourself what is like. What's the root cause of this symptom, but do understand the difference between a symptom and a root cause a symptom, a headache is a symptom. My back hurting is a symptom. Now you can. Try
A symptom right like I could take some advocates for my back hurting her from ahead headache, but because I'm not treating the cause of the backache or the headache because I haven't stretch or because I didn't have enough water, because I didn't get enough sleep, there's all sorts of reasons. Why you could have a headache or backache right. If you don't treat the root cause will just be back again here tomorrow, treating the symptoms, so the symptom is mean girl status, but the route as is something deeper- you don't get to be a mean girl without there being pain inside of you, that's unexpressed, so that actually, is a really maybe grounding place for us to step into for a moment for you to understand that, having this conversation or exploring this time
big is not from a place of shame. If you feel like you have mean tendencies it's. You should feel shame about that, because that comes from something, whether it's something that you ve done to try and protect yourself. Their its unexpressed anger inside of you, whether its fear, whatever the reason there is one, but if we can get to the root cause of this, that's, where the real magic and the real transformation will happen. So one of the emotions that can be a root cause is jealousy jealous see you're jealous like at your core, you don't want to admit yourself, you're jealous and so that jealousy manifests as judgment manifest. As talking crap, but really what's in your core, is feeling jealous.
years ago I did a podcast interview with this woman and she was. She was interview me and she actually said something really. Honest. She was like you know when I saw your book come out in your book. She's not grow a survey she's like when I saw girl wash your face explode. I just hate it on you, like I talk so much crap. I trash it to my friends. I and she said I m sorry. I did that for several weeks and then I had to ask myself why I was doing now she's like I realized I was jealous, and I realise that my jealousy came from knowing in my heart that I could also have written a book that I wanted to be an offer, but that I wasn't doing it because I, scared. So, rather than admitting to myself that I
wanted. That thing too, I decided to hate on you to sort of Mask Oliver s feelings, because if I can point my finger outward right like if we can point at some one else, we need to look at what's going on inside she's like the beauty of that story was that she is now an author. Like she had done this work, she had unpacked what was going on. She found the root cause and then she took action against it, but jealousy is usually pointing to a thing that we want. The other thing that jealousy points out Is this belief that this is all a zero sum game? As your Some game means that you will on some level that If I'm winning, then you can, you believe that if your sister is succeeding, there's the less left for you or any time, you see someone, you fill those jealous pangs. That somehow means like you're not going fast enough. Your success is big enough. It's,
going the way you want like there living the life that they wanted their get? They got a partner, they got a man or they got that dream job. Unlike what about me like the jealousy, we never really look at what the jealousy is telling us oftentimes, your jealousy is, actually an amazing gift? You jealousy is pointing you toward what you actually want your jealousy. Unlike a core level, you wouldn't be jealous, if you did it like, if that really wasn't your hope and dream as well. So your jealousy First, you have to recognise that that's what it is causes a lot of people out here who will not even college it those talk, a bunch of crap about everybody else and what they are doing and what they have
and how it doesn't work and how it's wrong, and how that thing is it it's a stupid, take a deeper look and understand what I mean. Why would you even put that much energy? Why would you waste, that much energy caring about what they're doing or what they have turn inward use that energy on yourself. Use that energy on your hopes, your dreams, push your desires. forward. You know I love that. I know I could the time of my favorite be requested from twenty robins. He says we're focus, goes energy flows, putting all your focus and all your energy into hiding. Some one else into being jealous of someone else, of course, you have no energy laughed. No focus left, nothing left to give your own dreams and your own hopes. The thing is guys someone succeeding at anything
should be an indication to you that you can also succeed right so there is hope. So there are people who do this, so there is a way. Why, like it's? Not this, you know like A pipe dream: it's not something I made up like look there. Actually is someone doing that thing? That's awesome, there's so much to go the it's the will is infinitely abundant, there's so much abundance to go around. I promise you, your jealousy is wasted energy and you're missing. What is actually trying to tell you another big one, I would say a possibly be biggest characteristic of mean. Girls is insecurities insecurity which propaganda piss off the main girls, but you there is no bully on this earth that isn't deeply insecure
There is no mean girl on this earth that is not trying to cover up the fact that deep down inside she still scared little girl by the way. Lots of us are scared. Little girls won't take it out on other people, but it just so happens that, however, you are formed. However, you are parenthood. Whatever came at, you created this and again, this is not from place of shame when I'm in this conversation so that you can feel shame we're having this conversation so that you can search your heart and you make change. What are you feeling so insecure about? What's that lets even taken a layer back because insecurity is just fear. There is real we only two emotions in life, really every emotion play boiled down into one of two things: love or fear. That's it
So what are you really afraid of? Do you have impostor send German you're afraid of being found out so your personality, so over the top and so big and in other people's faces? your pointing out other people's fires, because you don't want anybody to your own flaws right like that's really going on. What's the fear that under their because, if you can look at it, whether that something you do by yourself when you do it in a journal, whether you get fair, p or counselling to unpack that there's fear there, and even if you are mean girl, you deserve la of and care and support as Does anybody else, maybe more so right. So if you can understand what the fear is, then you can start to get help for it, but tacking other people, however, that manifest with its behind her back or passiveaggressive, or trying to be funny or just being straight up mean or controlling or whatever it's not gonna give.
The feeling that you want it's never going to fill the void, never going to fill the void. For you see, the only antidote to fear is love, and this is really freaking hard to do. But the answer to all This is that you love yourself and loving yourself is not a light. Switch right. You can't just slip it on and all set in everything's great, loving herself is a practice. Most of us were not talk to love our selves. So why on earth would you know and that's not something to shame your parents, because they probably also warrant taught to love themselves, but loving yourself is the same as personal freedom. If you have personal freedom, the you extend personal freedom to other people, If you love yourself, you love others. The third thing that I see with mean girls is projection. And this is only something that I really started to understand. Over the past couple of years, but it's a really good thing to look for not just a mean girls.
For people in general, any sort of relationships you have other people projecting their feelings on to you. So when it comes to mean girls, projection kind of shows up- in the same way. You may remember earlier when I was saying like you know, you see, something in them that Udall, like about yourself and into your sisters, calling them out, but totally ignoring the working. To do on you projection is when you are taking your killings and your thoughts and projecting them on someone else. This happens often like in a relationship. You'll be like always my partner mad at me and really it's like that, you're mad at them or like! Oh does my best friends like I don't either They're not calling me they're, not Hockney, whatever like I've, they are, they feeling disconnected from me and really it's that you feel disconnected
Mamsie rather than acknowledge your own feelings. You project your feelings on to the other person, and hopefully you of commerce shit about it, but a lot of people, don't alot of people just go, again probably right. I'm gonna believe every damn thing that I think right most people make the mistake of believing everything that they think, instead of understanding that you get to actually separate true from fiction, doktor AIM and says you don't have to believe every stupid thing that you think and projection is a big version of that you don't, actually have to believe those stories that you're making up? In your own mind guys, one of my favorites male robins is back with a brand new audible original, it's called here's exactly what to do, which is you the greatest title ever in each of these fourteen episodes. Mel focuses
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HU. I only realised recently the bike huge projector and I caught them doing this with my kids. Talking about my kids, so I have had my kids full time since the beginning of the year and its an awesome like typically, I split up time with your dad and that's not something that's possible right now, so they ve been with me full time, and I love it. I am tests of my kids. I think they're so fun and don't get me wrong, like I definitely have days run like a need to break the guy got to go on a business trip last week for two days, one night for an upcoming podcast. There was amazing, you gotta hear more about it later, but I got to go away and it was honestly was beautiful
nice little break and I'm super grateful that I got to do it and shout out to my niece for hanging out with the kids so that I could go all of that to say I have them full time and it's for kids, a lot of activities, and I work for how much is all the things it's a lot and whenever we talk to this person they You, like you, know, like I'm sure, you're going to need a break, like I'm sure so over having the kids or I know this is really hard. They kept saying these things and at first I thought they were being caring and then, after like three times of it, I finally called the person out- and I was like I just want to make this clear- I'm not over having my kids before I got divorced. I was with my kids full time. I'm
and it's hard, but is also beautiful and it's my number one mission in life is to raise good humans and I have so much fun like I love this, and I also think that we have to be careful about people projecting onto us, because if it's a really strong influence in your life or if it's like allowed character, this person not a strong influence but they're allowed energy. They like, I think it can war your perception of what's actually going on in your life, not over my kids. I'm not overwhelmed by my kids, I'm not tired of being with my kids. I love this and what I realise is that person who's talking to me. They are overwhelmed by parenting. They are feeling over it. They are feeling like it's too much and they're trying to put that on me to sort of like making equal and it's not
and it's a mean girl tactic, make no mistake. Cause you're, taking your own, stuff in trying to shove it on her, and not only are you trying to shove it on her or shove it on him, but then the brilliance is that are? You can judge them so right back up to judgment, sear, projecting and then king and really is just all your own crap yeah. That's all! I need to say about that. If you are not familiar with projection, if this is the first time you ve heard someone talk about it at really encourage you to do some research and just to understand the psychology behind it better because we do it to other people like I, Hundred percent I've projected on my boyfriend before and he's the one who is like. Do you really I'm doing or is that what you're doing right now- and I would like to thank you for it breaking apart, but also projectionist, something that people used to many you're late, you, whether intentional or not so be conscious of it,
it means and how it shows up in your life. The last thing that I thought of when it comes to mean girls, this one is almost more a psychological thing, but it really shows up- and I have to be honest, I would say that the most. Ah for girls and women, I know- and I dont know, if you guys it a great cause. Maybe you have different perception of this that the most awful experiences I've had with other women are this personality, and that is the person who tries to control everything and the person who tries to control. Anything. Typically, it's an if you are into any gram, it's an unhealthy one, so their perfectionist and They want to control the world around them cuz. They want to make it perfect, and the problem is that's impossible,
when it doesn't go their way and they can't control it, they freak out and their awful to everybody. They make everybody miserable, because life can be the perfect way they imagine it. Then everybody has to suffer the other any ram I see the show up in a lot is an eight. The eight is a challenger, so they tend to try and control the situation in a challenging way and the beauty of AIDS is that they have become a challenge because they're trying to protect either themselves or other p but that dominating persona. can we really overwhelm up a per sally. That's not a strong! So China throw everything around you is impossible and you're not only making yourself miserable you're, making other people around you miserable too
and usually it's over situations that should be joyful going on a date with your partner. Throwing your its birthday party, the holidays you I have this image in your head of what is supposed to be like, and the beauty of a situation like that is like what it. It is gonna, be awesome if you have the right mindset, but unfortunately, control freaks have decided that if it doesn't look certain way if it doesn't show up a certain way, if it isn't exactly how I imagined it, then it's all garbage and screw this ends. There hissed and their mean and their hateful, this personality or this situation to me ends up being a lot more in your face. This isn't the passiveaggressive. This isn't the behind your back. This is the person who will absolutely tell you.
all of the ways that you are failing to live up to their expectations of you and the gall. The gall. If this is? U of you, recognizes in yourselves with the love in my heart? Who do you think you are? You do not get to control, everyone else's experience. You are only in control of your experience. Now, look yeah you're a Mamma. Let's say you do make decisions for children. Of course you do or you're in partnership with someone you do have understandings that you ve committed to like here's, what it's gonna be, but what you're not trying to control values here, you're, not trying to put up guard rails to keep some unsafe. In this scenario, you are trying to control their experience, and maybe it's because you believed that that's the task that you ve taken on. Maybe you think, like? Oh I'm response, we gotta make sure everyone has a perfect holiday after make sure this birth is perfect or have to make sure that this date is so romantic.
You know we far more love and then we have four hours of sex later and like it's all the like you make the story in your head- and maybe it's because you believe you have to end the freedom for you in this situation. Is remembered that you are only in charge of your own experience and the most beautiful thing will happen? If you let go, If you let go and really just work on enjoying this present moment, you're in right now it permeates Everybody else that energy spreads to ever. You want to have the best Christmas. Ever you want to have the greatest birthday party ever have fun. I was a wedding planner for a decade I used to tell bright brightened groups that always Oh, we just want people have fun and like what do we do? You know how do we make sure that the dj and how should the band and how to make should be applied? And I was like, oh my gosh, it's the easiest thing in the whole world. If you want your guest to have fun, go, have
cause, everyone's watching you and that stuff spreads its. Why half the restaurant was tackling with laughter so joyful watching this older woman do shot because we were having the best time. it spreads my sweet any ground, one, any Graham, a perfection ass. You have to get out for everybody else. Don't buy that myth! Don't listen to the voice in the back of your head. That tells you you're responsible for everybody else. You are sponsible for you, and if you really want to teach our children to be happy to experience joy practice it in yourself,
because your desire to control the situation to control your family to manipulate everybody to make them how you want them to be makes people hate. You, that's sorry, that's the truth. Those people who are so toxic about control, eight, we might keep showing up to the family functions, but that's out of obligation. The thought out of joy right that, like at some point, people start to pull themselves back from you and the worst. Is God bless when that happens? You feel that you don't know what's happening, but you feel you try and hold on tighter and you make it worse You are not in control of someone else's experience and you dont. to take it out on them. When
don't react. The way that you think they should. If you want love, then you have to give love. Do you want joy practice? Joy, and you know the lasting I'll say about this like for real? This is hard work on packing the stuff we all every single one of us have. issues, we have issues that are inside of us, and I believe that we are on this journey and this path and our lives to unpack and figure out why we do things away. We do. How can I stop this in this way and really be left with. What matters? How can I really good, to who I wanna be, and that often times is not something that we can do alone maybe a beautiful journey for you to go on with a therapist or counselor or if you feel like you, can take it on yourself, there's so many books that you can read about this other podcast that you can go. Listen to other teachers that you can learn.
But whatever is making lash out at others are lash out at your husband or your girlfriend, or your best friends that that comes from a place of pain, and I don't want you to live in pain, and I think you want to live in pain. And so I want to challenge you to do the work and you don't have to figure it out, today and you don't have to know every answer today, but it begins with you starting to ask questions and with you becoming conscious, of the times that you're being mean to other people, even if it's just inside your own mind, because if, you have that self talk like if you're speaking if we in your own mind about her, I God, what are you saying to yourself? you deserve a better life. You deserve to be out of pain. So I hope that if your hearing this something that I am saying is resonating with you that your look for help and
I know there are times in my life. I could not afford to go to a therapist, but You go down to the library dont Roy arise at me. Is this what I did for a long time. He go down. Library for free and start reading books that help you with? this topic and one you know little layer. Time like an onion you on peel and each piece, each scrap that you take off your son I you get a little bit later and you feel better and the beauty of Is that as your learning you're, also teaching just by action a better way to live? I hope that today's episode was helpful. I hope that you heard a low now get that you felt like you need it. Or that may be someone you know needs if you dog it. You know consider taking a screenshot of this episode and posting and on social, or maybe you just share this
costs with the F girlfriend or your daughter, your mom. Some, you think, maybe needs to hear it, but I really hope that there was something in there that helped or maybe, if you don't feel like you, have a lot of mean girl tendencies. I hope that may be this episode made you more empathetic to the mean girls in your life, because again they don't get that. An accident and if we truly gonna, be in a sisterhood and if we are truly gonna, be rooting for each other and hoping to lift each other up. Then we have to make space for everybody at the table, not just the kind perfect girl next door. I guys every two Hollis. I am so grateful that I get to hang out with you here. If you love the podcast hobby,
Consider subscribing to this episode, this channel here on Youtube or the podcast. Wherever you get your pod, it's really helpful to podcast house when you subscribe to their tunnel, but until I sooner time. I want you to know. I love you. I am really for you and if you have questions, if you want to get more insight, follow up any of that information. The number for the hotline in the show notes. So the hotline is a place you can call and leave you. A message asked me a question and often times I turn those into episodes here on the show. So love you guys hope you have a great week and I hope I hope you go out into the world and practice kindness. The Rachel Hollis podcast is produced by me. Rachel Hollis is edited by Andrew Weller and Jack noble.
Transcript generated on 2022-02-24.