« The Rachel Hollis Podcast

387: Mastering Boundaries: A Guide to Protecting Your Energy & Time - PART 2

2023-03-22 | 🔗
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I only have one rule and the rule is that you are respectful and kind to remember of our family or you don't get to interact with any of us, and this one is really powerful for anybody who kids, because I know that some of you have aunts and uncles and sisters and grandparents and end laws who try you like shit, but want a relationship with your daughter right there, disrespectful to you they do all kinds, but they want access to their grand babies. and I'm tellin you right now. That is the most unhealthy thing in what world do you think it is healthy for child to grow up you know loving their nana and she does all these things and she's balsam rotten, but then they watch her treat mommy lecture.
Hi, I'm rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast. I spend so many hours of every single week, reading and listened podcast and watching youtube videos and trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that's what we do on their show. We talk about everything life and how to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan for intermittent fasting going on with our inner child house therapy working out for whatever it is, my guests are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand, These are conversations this information for the curious. This is the rachel Hollis
I guess I guys rates and I'm back for part two on our conversation about boundaries. What are emotional boundaries at their most fundamental level? Why do we need them? How do we put them in place? How do we uphold them? Like all the stuff? That's what we're talking about, and it's such a big conversation that we're doing a part one and part two. So you are listening to part to just
to be great, but really to get the most out of this conversation, I would suggest you go back just one day, one episode in the show and listened apart, one in that I talk about what a boundary is and what are examples of your personal boundaries being crossed. What are situations that, maybe you don't even realise our boundary crosses for you, so go check that one out before jumping into two days at the so last time we talked about what about doing is today. I want to talk about how to set boundaries and why you should have them in the first place,
what are the positive effects of holding these boundaries and places isn't just like a new age hit, be like? Oh, what are your boundaries in part? One of this I talked a lot about autonomy. I love the definition of words, because my one, I'm a writer but too, I feel like when you look up definitions and often gives you a different perspective on a word than you originally we're thinking of it as so for autonomy. The definition is the right or condition of self government self government, a taunt me is that you are in charge of your self and having healthy. Emotional boundaries basically starts and ends with you, believing in your right too
govern yourself to not let somebody else have ownership of your experience, your emotions, your feelings, your actions. None of it that you, I'm assuming, if you are listening to this, are an adult or if you're, under the age of- he knew where at least a team. you're whose already thinking in a mature way- and if you are, Then you understand, or hopefully are beginning to understand, that you have rights and you have worked
As an individual on this planet- and it doesn't matter how much you of your partner doesn't matter how long you ve been together, it doesn't matter how your family is structured period, point blank, you are still an individual being and you have the right to yourself. That's autonomy, the rights that you have to self. I think, involve the right to feel safe to feel safe, where you are to feel safe in your emotions to feel safe in your feelings- and I think it's worth saying on this one in particular that the best indication that you have of safety. Is the conversation that you're having with your intuition your inner, knowing your high self, your intuition, whenever you want to call it always sense
is whether or not a situation or a person or a relationship is safe for you. There is an incredible book called the gift of fear by Gavin de Becker. It's it's old, but still wonderful, and in that book I will Ever forget he says humans are the only animal that will sense, fear and continue walking toward it. If a deer senses something is on if she does not hang out to find out if it's true she's out, she is Pounding across the forest she's outta here she's not going to wait and see she's not going to feel it out, she's not going to talk to him and awake. She feels like a bitch if she doesn't she's not know she's gone, but we, we'll get a weird feeling in our god will get a weird feeling and we don't what it is, but we excuse it away,
for a myriad of reasons, usually because we don't want to be impolite, you have the right to feel safe at all, times and you don't even need to explain why you don't feel safe in someone's presents why you don't feel safe in that house, why you don't feel safe in their building way. You don't feel safe, that experience. Does it matter what it is? You don't have to justify your feelings to any one else. But you have a right to them. So you have autonomy. You have the right to feel safe. You have the right to privacy and respect. You have the right to privacy and respect for why you want that privacy in the first place yeah. I feel like I'm trying to think, and the only examples I can think of are of privacy are inside, of a marriage that lasted for a very long time and that marriage started when
is very young, and so I had no other frame of reference for how our relationship was supposed to be or like zero awareness that I had autonomy over my feelings that I was allowed to be. My own person like we were so and mashed, and I was so moulded into who I thought I was supposed to be, and the privacy thing is not something that occurred to me at all, and I would relish like just relish When I would have a business trip, because it would be twenty four hours of just being by myself it, twenty four hours of nobody asking me. What are you doing where you goin like there is the constant like checking in and what
it happening and what- and I don't even know why that existed. But for me it was this like nails on a chalkboard like every time. I you know to do it. What are you doing and I would constantly like beyond edge about I'm going to get a glass of water I'm going to who use about their I'm good. So when I was away. I would Do anything like a literally just like be in my hotel room watching netflix or something but the ability to just have privacy was like nourishing to my soul. And I did not understand that that was my right, I thought I had two like only get it in you know these laws
little moments away from my regular life and I actually understand now I would have been so much healthier and so much com. If I knew that I had a right to my privacy, even side of a marriage and my relationship today. I I love and is so wonderful for so many reasons, but may be the best part about it. Is that he was a fully grown, mature, adult human who had done all of his work had done all of his therapy before he ever met me. and I have done so much work, it may fully grown. No human, we were not kids, together to figure out this wacky world, we were to fully formed adults who were like hi. This is who I am
and he was like hey. This is who I am and then we realise that those two people were very compatible as partners. But we are not in mashed in each other, we are complete. We formed individual human beings who are walking side by side in this life- and we have today I have so much privacy. I have so much of my own life, my own existence and I really have a hard time imagining ever getting back to a place where it looks different than it does today. I can't imagine chairing finances with someone ever again. I can't imagine needing to answer some
one again about what I'm doing a where I'm going. I just that is a personal choice and I think privacy shows up in a lot of ways for us as individuals, but I just say that in case any of you have this sort of like irritated skin crawley feeling Where you've you need to escape, I remember reading and glennon doyle when she wrote untamed and she talked about going and sitting in her closet floor, and it was like the only place that she could go to think and be alone. And I cried because that was me. I used to go hide in the closet used to sit in the floor in the closet closet with my back against the wall, because it's the only place that had privacy. now in retrospect, unhealthy, but I also am glad
This is why I love people who write their story share their podcast cas, put it out there, because we see ourselves in some one else, and I was like. Oh thank god. It's not just me who hid in the closet, so I say that in case some of you right now need to be reminded that you have a right to your privacy. I know you know it saying. I know there are all kinds of feelings about that because many of us were raised with really conservative. Dish in or ideology around what it means to be interrelationship, particularly if you're, in a relationship with a man and particularly if interrelation with a man coming out of a culture that is patriarchal You know that says that men know best and men have all the answers and we should let them. You know be in charge, and I
no. All of that stuff exists, and I guess if this conversation ruffles your father's for some reason, maybe there's something mare cause honestly if we're secure if work good, if everything feels really good to us all the way to our soul, our feathers don't get ruffled. Even if we disagree with what someone saying. So, if that kind of hits you in a certain way, maybe you need to sport that a little bit. Ah, you have the right to be heard. You have the right for someone to hear you and what you are saying, even if they don't agree with it. I found myself in a conversation with some of the other day, which is like where this whole idea for this progress episode.
from is interacting with someone who has no emotional boundaries and is constantly trying to push pass other peoples, and, in this conversation, They really wanted to talk to me, but the truth was they really wanted to talk at me. They did not. To be in a conversation, they didn't hear a word, I said, infected, didn't really or what I said, the only thing they used. My conversation for was to flip it and to tell me why I was wrong. Yeah was not heard in that interaction and here's a person boundary. I kept telling this person. If you don't lower your voice like. I will not speak to you if you keep raising her voice and if you dont, lower your voice. I am not going to have this conversation and they kept their worth
louder and louder and louder, and they start to get to the place where they were going. And I said again, I am not going to talk to you if you are going to talk to me like this, and I finally hung up cause forty and I'm not gonna, do this anymore. I have worked to down Hard in my life to get to this place of peace to let anybody come into my space with negative energy, I m so down to do life with people you don't think like me act like me, love like me, vote like I'm here for it all I got every and a family member. You can imagine. I got conservative super very different from me in terms of how they vote very differ. For me and how they believe and the church to think of it, and I can love them for the people they are based on. One varies.
Overall, I have one very simple role when it comes to who can be in my personal space and who can interact with my children and hook come in to our sphere, I'm not one rule and get to it in a minute. Let me finish this list. First liquid fleets, liquid bleach clorox, makes clothes bright waiver. cloudy wine glasses, glow cleaner to my cart, adding cholera, Disinfecting bleach to your cart Y know, for glass aware clorox can also make glassware sparkle, keep flowers, fresh and remove chocolate Y all your usual stains rude, clean. Anything with the personal clorox, disinfecting bleach, discover more hacks, clorox dot com, slash, learn.
A thousand and one is a gritty and realistic new york city story that follows: unapologetic and free spirited ins played by Diana taylor, who kidnaps her six year old son, terry from the foster care system holding on to their secret and each other mother and son, set out to reclaim their sense of home identity, instability in a rapidly changing new york city, winner of the grand jury rise at the sundance film festival, a thousand One is only in theatres march, thirty first visit the thousand and one film tickets dot com to get your tickets. Now you have the right to be heard and you should not be in relationships of people who do not listen to. what you're saying I've ever been in a conversation with someone and they're, not literally not even listening to you they're just waiting for their chance to talk. That's not you being heard. You have the right to feel validated, but not
some one else. You have the right to feel validated in yourself. You have the right to understand. You don't need someone else to tell you that you are worthy to be worthy. You don't need someone else to tell you that your feelings are valid for them to be valid period. The last thing is that you have the right to have your no respected the same as my daughter and her no being respected you I have the same exact right. Those are the rights that you have and I hope that you remember them as we go further into this conversation on boundaries, because some of this stuff's gonna come up you're, going to try to start asserting yourself, you're, going to try and start speaking your truth and saying what you need and you're going to have people who push back, and I want you to remember the rights that you have and the autonomy you have
to self government all right, we're gonna land this plane with how to set and create boundaries, but before we get there, I just want to have a quick moment. Why other than the right to removing toxicity from your life, which is amazing and so incredible I want to give- like really practical reasons. Why having emotional boundaries is going to be so freaking great for you and the first one is. You are going to have so much more energy you're, going to get better sleep because you're not going to have insomnia cause you just gotten a crazy conversation with your mom right before you went to sleep you're going to have so much more energy because you are not expanding,
motion or energy trying to deal with someone else's chaos. You're, not expending emotional energy, taking responsibility for the shit that your sisters doing you're, not spending emotional energy being the balancing touch down in your family and playing peacemaker between your siblings and your parents, you're gonna, more energy, because you are not opening a vein on a daily basis and giving everything you've got to everyone else around you, so that's why you need some boundaries. The second thing that's going to happen is that you are going to have more confidence and more self esteem. It's
oh easy to lose both when you are letting some one else control you, it's so easy. Once someone understands how they can manipulate us, how they can use a little dig, how they can use shame as a mechanism how they can do little things and say little things once they understand how You make us their puppet even by the way, if they dont consciously. No that's what they're doing. Maybe it's a survival technique that they have left over from their childhood. I dont know, and I dont care why they are the way they are all I care about is how I am acting in the moment, and I am glad I thought of that, because this is the other thing that drives me in saying this is the other thing that I think has been used to control and manipulate. So
Any of us is that when you call someone out on the way they are behaving or when you say that you need a boundary, it's the people. Who immediately start making excuses for why they are that way, yeah, but you know that. Her mom was emotionally abusive to her and that's why she acts this way. Or yeah, but you know that he has a gambling addiction
and so what manifest like, there's or yeah, but you know that his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he's never been the same yeah but yeah. But let me tell you actually exactly what I said to this person who realize they had crossed the boundary who reached out later was like china, backpedal blah blah blah, and I was like here. Let me just be very clear on my tell you not everything I said, but one thing I said to them. I said I can totally understand why you would do what you just did I get it. I'm done the work to a lot of therapy. I understand how being in a severe emotional state makes you lash out to other people, but
just because I understand why you made that choice. Does not excuse you from your actions. I tell my kids. If there is one line, I tell my kids more than any other. It is. This. Do not listen to what people say. Cause people will say anything watch how they act watch how they act, because actions never lie. There's a whole back story for why someone is behaving the way their behaving. But just because you got a really good excuse doesn't give you the right to be sure because by bringing up someone's past as a rationale for behaviour,
We're going back to a boundary crossing which is to ask you to take responsibility or to ask you to feel badly for something that happened to them or for the way they are behaving, and that's not okay. So one of the beautiful things about having boundaries is that you will have more self esteem, because you will begin to trust yourself again. You will trust yourself to take care of yourself, and if any of you have done, I affair therapies and her child work. You will also have a calmer sense, a more centred feeling with those younger versions of yourself, because the adult who you are today is really
control. They trust that you ve got it because you're beginning to act in ways that is protective of those younger versions of yourself. If you want to learn more about that too, if you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say I've s therapy, there's an incredible book called no bad parts, and it's just so good. So if you want explore that a little bit and understand, how a younger version of us can really take full control of our whole body, our emotions are feelings all of it. They can take control, like literally they get in the driver, see if you ve ever, had a situation where you feel like you react super rationally or, you get really angry or you. Basically, you have this emotional spike
and then later you're like what what just happened. That is you being hijacked by another part of yourself, and that book is oh, so good, and if you get the audio book and he does really incredible, guided meditations to so highly command. If you ve never heard of that before the last thing that having boundaries is going to help you with is you're gonna, be better at spotting those red flags. This is for any of you who find yourself in a continuous cycle of dating douche bags, updating crazy girls of you keep going. What on earth? How do I keep attracting these people into my life? This is really going
help you to spot red flags faster because are going to learn this behavior. Even in his conversation, I was having with someone because I've done so much work on boundary setting. I was almost like watching the conversation sort of one stepped removed from it. Unlike fascinated like, oh my look at you. Look at you trying to use. Shame, look at you trying to use guilt. Look at you trying to blame like it was a psych major could have written an entire thesis on the things that this person was saying, and I was just watching it like wow and what's so, Unifil is like I got off the phone and there was a part of me, a hundred percent, which is why I wonder this conversation. There is a part of me that was triggered by that, and I know exactly what part of me it was. I know exactly what age I was when this woman started monopoly
hitting me in this way- and I didn't know a boundary were, and I had no idea how to protect myself- and I was a puppet to this shame guilt, all of it for years so I know which me was triggered and last night when it happened. I prayed, and you know I burned some sage around myself and I had a conversation with that younger version of me and I was like I got this. You are not that little girl anymore. You do not have to take part in this. You do not, and all of these things that I was feeling I can recognize were from the version of me who believe She had to be a good girl, the version of me that believed that she had to please everybody and oh my gosh. What will happen if this person doesn't like me or what will happen if this person thinks I'm bad or, like all of these things out. That version of me,
worried about, and I can tell you with just so much with every fibre of my being. I could not care less what this person thinks I could not care less. I know who I am. I know who I am down to my core I'll, see myself better than I am unless you myself was worse than I am I just in this version of myself. I work hard to be the best version of me that I can be, and you can not manipulate me into believing something else. Because the second that I start to allow those things to take root is the second that I slip back into a world where I try and please her and do exactly what she wants me to do so that she gets the emotion.
I'll hit that she's looking for. So I did a lot of work on that last night, but that's one of the biggest pisa. As I wrote in my notes here. I'm like this will take grit to get good at emotional boundaries. It's going to take some perseverance, it's going to take some grit, it's going to take you getting a thick skin and really knowing yourself, because that's the game, that's being played is, can I use or which method of emotional manipulation? Can I use to get you to do what I want you to do, a guy if you don't follow doctrine of call, you have two. She does these amazing sketch where she pretends to be like apparent, and then one of her team mates pretends to be like a kid, and it's like what it's like. It's basically a real conversation
as if a parent actually knew how they were emotionally. Maybe I'm not explaining well, please go watch them. Her reels are fantastic and even though they're a bunch of different kinds of parents, I somehow see my parent in every one. It's wild, liquid bleach liquid bleach clorox, makes clothes bright website cloudy wine glasses glow, cleaner to my cart, adding claret disinfecting bleach to your cart Y know. for glass aware. Clorox can also make glassware sparkle, keep flowers, fresh and remove chocolate. Y all your usual stains rude, clean. Anything with the personal clorox, disinfecting bleach, discover more hacks, clorox dot com. Slash learn, you do anything keep your vehicle happy thus makes stay is running smoothly with ebay, guaranteed fit you'll, find the right
hearts, the pitcher vehicle, the first time from air filters to headlights to batteries in bumpers. When you see the green check, you know that part will fit yet the right parts at the right prices at the ebay motors that gum that's right eligible items. Only exclusions apply okay, so we talked about why you should set some boundaries now, let's talk about how to set boundaries and how to hold them in place
You remember in school: did you ever have like a cheerleading team pep rally team who did the be aggressive, cheer b e, a g g r e s s I v e aggressive? Oh, I would have been such a good cheerleader. Anyway, we are going to be assertive, not aggressive, and there is a difference. Let's look up the definition of the word assertive, having or showing a confident and forceful personality, a confident or forceful personality without being arrested without being rude, and let me tell you the person who is used to you crumbling and falling for it and taking part in this absolutely unhealthy emotional relationship. You have done
we are going to immediately say that you're being mean that you're being aggressive, that you're being a bitch, that you're being rude, that you're being fill in the blank. In fact, they'll probably find the one word that is most effective in getting you to cave cause they're really good at it, even if they are not conscious of it. So you have got to work on being assertive and assertive means that you say exactly what you need. You don't get emotional about it. You don't make excuses for
you don't build a whole back story like when I was on tour last. There was this activity that we did in the audience, where I ask you to think of the dream that you are working on the goal that you had for your life and then to you, found a strange, an audience, and you were supposed to tell the stranger what the goal was. The key is that you have to tell them the goal in a sentence, because what women especially do is thou give a whole backstory there like they want to say that their goal is to write a book but they'll be like well. When I was four years old, I was on a train with my family. There was a horrible train accident, they'll start giving
a full biography of their life, because their basically asking permission to have the dream that they dream and they think that the only way they can get permission is to give you seventy two justifiable reasons why they deserve to have this dream in their life. So what I would say is the same thing happens when we're asking to hold boundaries in place. We believed that we gotta give a whole backstory and no is a full sentence now inside of relationship. I do think it can be really powerful to explain to people context for it. So my example of this is, way about fourteen years ago my I had two young sons. We were there a little bit. there, but I remember that.
there was a member of my family who was really struggling with drinking their drinking water and they would come to every family party would have like birthdays things thanksgiving or whatever it would come to family parties, and they would always end up drinking way too much and when they would drink too much, it would make me feel really uncomfortable or member of my family. They make me feel really uncomfortable. I felt like I had to like protect them. I felt like I was like trying to just like. It was just a lot. You can use your imagination and I started to pull back from inviting them to family functions cause. I had so much anxiety about how they would behave, and then I felt like that. Wasn't really fair, because I was pulling back from someone. I love very much, but I wasn't being met And I was in explaining to them why, and so they didn't even know that there is a situation that they could correct.
So I agonized about it. For months like I was so scared to have this conversation, because I at the time I wasn't very good at having a hard conversation and so I thought about it a lot I prayed about it a lot and I the next summer's with this person, I said you know, I love having you calm and I love that the kids are getting to know you and like experience you in their lives. But I have to tell you when you come, you tend to drink quite a lot and it makes me feel very unsafe and it makes me feel sick Third, I makes me embarrassed and like I want you to be aware of that, because I don't want it to a fact: the family, and I dont want to affect whether or not I invite you and you know- I really want the kids to know you, but if this is what it's gonna be, I I don't want you in this house and I was so nervous, I'm sure I said it nice,
in that, but I was so nervous because I really thought there is no way this person's gonna react well and they really took it in like really heard It- and I mean it's been for ten years twelve years and they ve never had a drink in my presence again. And you know at first Alec fell on like oh, my gosh lack of court. Like have some wine, you know whatever very kindly those we like my codependent or wherever
they very kindly were like. I am not sure that I can have one drink like I tend to veto the lashing kind of life for the party and do the thing so there were like I I heard you and I don't ever want to make. You feel like that. Obviously, so I'm just not going to drink and it's been over a decade and they have kept that now. Not everybody is mature enough to do that, but it ended up going so much better than I thought that it would end it happened because I spoke my truth. I said what the boundary was, and I think the important thing with boundaries is that you do not tell this person how they are supposed to behave. You tell this person how they mean to behave if they want to interact with you.
See that's the thing the family member I was talking to last night. I don't care what she thinks of me. I don't care. If I never speak to her again, I don't care. I have no you are the one who want. To be in my life. if you want to be in my life. This is how it's going to be to interact with me and I'll. Tell you because I promised I would that I only have one rule and the rule is that you are respectful and kind to every member of our family or you don't get to interact with any of us, and this one is really powerful for anybody who, kids, because I know that some of you have aunts and uncles and sisters and grandparents and end laws who too
you like shit but want a relationship with your daughter right there disrespectful to you, they do all kinds, but they want access to their grand babies and I'm tellin you right now. That is the most unhealthy thing in what world do you think it is healthy for a child to grow up You know loving their nana and she does all these things and she's balsam rotten, but then they watch her treat mommy like shit. They watch her make mommy cry what kind of, Ecology is that, because all you're gonna do is now raise the next generation of kids is like a whatever we do, don't piss off nana We want her love and affection. Look how nice she is to us. We don't ever want to be like that, because you showing your kids how people are allowed to treat you. Would means you are showing your kids how people are allowed to treat them. So
my role. As you are nice from respectful to all of us. Are you don't get to interact with any of us. Here is a fantastic example. We have family members who are very conservative and how really strong beliefs about algae bt, q plus my son, as I've said publicly in his very much out, is queer and you do not get to pick and choose, which are the kids you want interact with, and you don't. to have the kids in the room and make starkey comments about what, culture or people who
gay or you know, trans rights are all of the stupid shit that they like to bring up like we're out that that don't we don't do cause yell, that if you understand that that is deeply passiveaggressive attempts at manipulation when someone's not talking to you, but there too. Working within earshot about something that they know that you are that they know that you do or die They know that you care about that is passive, aggressive emotional monopoly, sean and you are not allowed to make snarking comments that you know are gonna fact one kid and then worship the other one, because he's the brodie s brow and play sports, and is your dream? We don't do that shit. Are you crazy? I don't care who
are I go so mama bear on this. I will cut you out. I will never talk to you and you lose really. I know that this is so comical drug has. So many of you grew up in families where your family is shitty and their mean, and they do awful things but family his family, and so we always show up nope I have the most incredible friends I the most incredible community who are like family. and share our values and tree every very well. I only need to interact with you. Why cause we got blood in government, no nope, no way. Do that. So that is my rule. You are kind and respectful of all of us, and you are kind and respect.
full of all of us and our values or you don't get to interact with any of us, because that's the other thing that happens is those little comments. You know you go home for thanksgiving and some will say something. That's like you're, like gross like thinly, veiled homophobia or thinly veiled bigotry or some shit he fang, I might. We will leave cause again I don't need you to behave this way at all times. I'm not trying to fix you. That's not my point. When you are on your own journey. But if you want to interact with me, if you want interact with my family, these are our values, and I know that you know how to behave in a different way because you sure do behave in a different way were near out in front of church on Sunday. So if you can show up for those people and
tend to be all of these things that you are clearly not exhibiting in this moment, then I know that you know how to flip it on and off, so you can flip it on and off for us, or we just won't be here, and the freedom of suddenly not having to interact with toxic relatives is one of the greatest things that can happen to you legitimately so assertive, but not aggressive. The other thing is physical boundaries. So that's when you know that's me having a conversation with a family member insane, you can't come into the space and get drunk. That's me having a conversation with a family member and saying that it would be nice us or you get to interact with. None of us. I mean, like your home, is supposed to be your safe space. Your home is supposed to rise up to me.
as Oprah used to say it supposed to be your nest. It's supposed to be this like protective bubble for you, and when you allow negative toxic energy into that space. You ve breached the walls of your bubble. You, you ve, put a crack into this thing. That's supposed to be keeping you whole this source of energy for you and your family is being affected because your letting negative energy into It- and speaking of this I do want to
how chance kind of a weird way to take a conversation on boundaries, or maybe it's not an I'm gonna, go into my one of my like Wu Wu, hippy, spiritual things, but role with me for a second. I really think it's also worth saying that you should be upholding spiritual boundaries, spiritual boundaries, meaning every single person,
animal creature. Anything in the world is putting energy out and you- and I both know that there are people who have toxic energy. There are people who have negative energy, there are people who they just their adding something into the mix into the world and that's not great, and I think that those kind of energies can linger. I think that energy adequately negative stuff can attached to us it can attach to spaces, and I just think it's really important to acknowledge that, because after I got off the phone last night, I smudge I smug my room and ass much myself. Smuggling is, you know, you burn sage and you clear out the space
magical power in burning sage, it's what it symbolizes. It symbolizes a cleansing. It symbolizes that you and energetically are saying no were clearing this energy out There's only goodness is gonna, be here. Oftentimes, all imagine a white light. Or amber light sort of in a protective bubble around our house. All imagine it around my kids, I imagine it around my partners he's travelling for work, I'm like praying
protective hedge around our family, and there are times where I think, if you're attuned to spirituality, if you're attuned to something bigger, it's like you'll feel something not right in the space that you're in whether it's at home or out in the world, and it's just a reminder to you know: go in and pray protection around yourself. I wear an evil eye necklace and have for years. I haven't taken this off. I don't believe that this evil eye necklace has magical powers. I believe that every time I see myself wearing it,
in the mirror that I am like energetically praying protection around, I'm just being reminded of that intention, so for whatever that's worth having boundaries spiritually where like, if you feel something something feels not right, you go into a space you're. Staying in a hotel room which looks something bills wrong that those boundaries matter, almost more than any other that you that you protect yourself when it comes to boundary, setting boundaries and creating them. I really want to make sure that you understand, if you haven't done this before you are it's like building a muscle, you're going to have to practice you're going to have to keep
going back to the yoga mat and trying to do. You know a plank for a little bit longer, every time, a little bit longer, every time a little bit longer every time and then suddenly you can hold a plank for twenty five seconds without puking. It's the same. When it comes to boundaries, it's very possible that the first time you try and put a boundary in place with someone it'll fail They'll say something: it'll make you spiral you'll end up accidently doing exactly what they wanted you to do, but as long as you keep coming back to the imaginary map that you keep working on that you, and to say, no, that you you'll, learn to say no way before
can learn to say no without feeling guilty just sit with that for a second. The first step is: do we have the courage to stand up for myself? The second step is okay. Now I'm sending out for myself. How do I do this without constantly fill in my coming to throw up? This is a process, and you are getting me at the end of years of work, but also your getting me after I have had to learn to put so many boundaries in place for my own health, from my own peace of mind, and for my own emotional stability, honestly, here's the last thing I wrote this will take grit. Establishing emotional boundaries is huge. It's something that very few people ever even attempt, because it's so difficult, but the rewards from climbing this particular.
and are equally as rewarding. The other thing I wrote was to remember that this will be hard because you don't have experience with it yet, or maybe you don't have enough experience with it yet, and the person that you're trying to establish boundaries with they definite We don't have experience with it. So if they don't have experience- and you don't have experience just know that makes it all harder so If there are things that you can do to boost yourself up as you try and take it on, is just to surround yourself with more information. People who are way smarter than me read their books, go listen to their podcast. Go follow, Dr Nicole, so you some shoring up of the rightness of your cause so that you understand
how valuable this work is and that you are justified in wanting to do it, alright guys. I hope this episode was helpful to you. I hope you heard something you needed a year here. You got some ideas and I hope more than anything, that it pushes you further on the journey to doing the work to take control of your emotional experience. I will be back soon with more information, as always, please consider subscribing to the podcast. This is the first time you listen subscribe to. The shows you never miss. An episode gave the show Oh, if you love it, go ahead and give it a bunch of star ratings. If you don't love it just keep that to yourself and if there's something I said today that you think will be helpful. Please please, please consider sharing putting it out in the world I'll be back
even with more information with more ideas with more conversation. Until then remember I love you and I'm looking for you. The Rachel Hollis podcast is produced by me rachel Hollis, its edited by andrew weller and jack, noble. Disco tire: we know your time as I get thirty percent shorter every week time when you buy and book on. My did, you know discount tire now cells wait, wait check out our current deals at discount, tired out god or stop in its oxygen associate today this I ask you to do
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Transcript generated on 2023-03-25.