« The Rachel Hollis Podcast

A Quick Word on Toxic Friends



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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey guys, it's rate with a quick word on toxic friends. This request is something I have gotten in the hotline. It is something that I have gotten from my team at work. I get work ass a lot to talk about what to do. When you have a friend in your life, that's toxic or a family. amber in your life, that's toxic, and I guess where I want to start with this one is: I think that you know exactly what to do. I think that you're asking me either someone, but you work within the case. Of my co workers or someone on the internet, because you want permission to do what your heart knows. You're supposed to do. Why would you ever?
Have someone in your life who is toxic? Why would you ever have I'm using air quotes a friend that is drama? That is rude, that is hateful. That is a flake. That is whatever thing it is that you know like if this isn't like. Oh, I have a girlfriend gonna like has bad days. Toxic is a very specific terms, and if someone is toxic to you, I don't understand why you would ever keep them as part of your life and now have said this before the question I get back as like: well what? If the toxic person is my family and honestly you guys this is may be going to sound harsh, but It really goes along with the idea of protecting your boundaries and holding space for your p,
peace and for me there our only for people in my life for that I would keep in my life, regardless of what they were doing and those for people are my children. My kids are the only people in the whole world that. At I have personally committed my life to their life, and I have people that I love dearly. I have best friend my best girlfriends. You guys have heard me talk about a million times. I have my boyfriend, I love so much like I have so many, people that I care deeply about. But if any one of those people other than my children started, making toxic choices being mean being hate fall, I just
am I don't know. Maybe other people don't agree, but I personally I just I know myself. I wouldn't I wouldn't stay inside of a relationship. I know that I wouldn't because my entire childhood, I was forced because I was a kid to live in a toxic environment. I was forced to live in chaos in uncertainty,. screaming in people punching holes in the wall and people throwing things through the window in violence, and I I No? I will not go back there for anybody and I know that I won't. It doesn't mean that I will cut and run quickly. I think My marriage is a really good example of this item for a very long time from every angle, for years and years to fix it and at some
why I realize you cannot change another adult, you can't you can change yourself and you can hope that in changing herself, someone sees what possible, but you cannot change another person, and what I eventually discovered was that forever like over and oh trying and trying and trying for years to help to fix, to save to prop up to do all of those things. It starts to deplete your energy, and in depleting your energy, its robbing the energy for the people you did commit to select. For me, it was just ass. Movie stealing my energy away, Sir Nothing left to give my kids and my kids are the ones I've committed to. I cannot save another grown adult and I won't try
and yet it took a very long time in my marriage, but I promise you it wouldn't take that long if it ever happened again and that's no shade against people who are struggling, people who are having a hard time, because, honestly, if someone is toxic, that doesn't happen without something terrible happening to them. Men is someone's depressed sometime. her time, that's a toy different thing. All freakin hold you up I'll, walk by your side, I'll be with you forever we're talking about toxicity, we're talking about meanness, we're talking about hate, and that is just not something that I allow into my sphere. So I guess what I want to say is if you're actually using that word about someone You know in your heart of hearts at its wrong, and maybe you just need permission so here it is here, is your permission?
from a stranger on the internet that the most important relationship you're ever gonna have is with yourself and if you don't take care of yourself and protect yourself, you We'll be destroyed, you'll learn to allow people to walk all over you, your began to believe that someone else's happiness. Is more valuable than your own. It means that you have to decide their some friends are some family members where I. still talk to them, but its very rare units on holidays or birthdays. Its quick
It's simple, there's no real, deep relationship there, because whenever it sort of goes at an inch below the surface, it becomes gross and it becomes really stressful and it makes me very anxious- and I don't want their negativity in my space. And I also can really easily fall back into an old pattern, which is helping people trying to fix people coming everybody's fixer and apply no boundaries for me is. I have to hold that space and separate myself from that, so there are some people just pull back from, and then there are other people, and I think this goes for you know if, if there
family, like it's a friend. If it's a relationship, I just me you gotta break up and you can break up with friends and in fact I know it's very hard, but is also a very mature thing. To just tell some one point blank. I don't think that this friendship is healthy for either one of us, and so I am stepping back. I have done that with a groan, adult women before where I've just said like no, this is no longer a health. the thing and I feel like it's best. If we don't speak anymore, and it deals really are word and chances are if it's a toxic person they're going to clap back with more drama. But once I've said my peace, I'm done I think, if you come to that conversation from a place of love, even if it's just love for yourself.
You can have it in a really peaceful way, without engaging in someone's drama and also I have done this with family members. I absolutely our family members, I dont speak too and haven't spoken too in twenty years, because I didn't have a choice over whether or not I interacted with him as a child, but absolutely have a choice over whether not interact with them. Now and just I don't wanna, be I'm not, you know. Some people just have too much pain, and so they lash out at everybody else and that's their journey, but I don't have to be part of that journey, so well for all of you, who've, been asking about toxic friends and toxic family members. That is my thought. I don't think you try and fix them. I don't think you try and talk them through it. I think that your first step is to pull back and see what happens and if that doesn't, if it doesn't get better
or then it's a full breakup. Then I have had people in my life that I pulled back from and then a couple of years later was able to reconnect with, and they had really done, some incredible work and we're still friends. Today, you don't have to walk away from somebody forever, I think that inside of all of us is a little kid. It's the version of ourselves five or ten or fifteen, or maybe it to that still needs to be protected. And my guess is. That, if you don't know how to hold boundaries for yourself, it means that you probably didn't have parents who protected you when you were lit. And you know they were on their own journey and they didn't maybe have the tools and the resources, but even still, you can still protect that little kid version of yourself today. You can make choices that remind her remind him that you
are going to keep her safe and safety, looks like Take not allowing people into your personal space who should it be? There are guys this was a quick word with rage. I hope found a helpful and if you know someone who needs to hear this way, please forded, along until I tell you again seen remember. I love you and I am waiting for you
Transcript generated on 2022-05-18.