Okay, I have tried several times to record this episode and everything I'm recording is sort of incomplete sentences and disjointed and honestly. I really hope this one works, because I don't want to keep having this conversation. I know I need to say something to all about. What's going on in our family. So many of you have been in, my community have been met

Online family have even come to rise. Conferences have just been in this world with me for some of you for like a decade, and I know that you have supported and loved our family and supported and loved me, and I know that that comes with wondering what going on and wondering how we're doing- and so I am going to make this episode and then I am not going to talk about this anymore, and I am not going to talk about this any more because my children's father isn't content for other people. His death is traumatic. An awful and just issues

at first s, not content, and I know that there are a lot of people who are finding ways to use it as content, because its trending, but I find that grotesque and deeply disrespectful and so. We're not gonna do that here. So I'm in a talk about this once and then I'm not talking about it any more honestly in for a lot of reasons,

But I'm just not even in a place where I can do that. The last couple of weeks have been horrible, just absolutely horrible. I guess god, if you don't know, and a couple of weeks ago my ex husband dave Hollis and the father of my children passed away. We still honestly don't know what happened and I found out after the fact that he had gone to the hospital a couple of times.

It's because he was having heart problems, so I think it's really highly possible. He had a heart attack, but I don't know- and I mean whatever he died from it's more still in the same space, which is just deep grief. And in over. You know anything about grief than you know. There are all sorts of stages, and I think the kids and I kind of go through all of whose all day long over and over, we kind of we, we say, like the teenagers- and I say with society- were riding waves.

And you'll have a moment where it feels calm and then you'll get overwhelmed by a wave, and then you kind of have to come back out of that. I had to go yesterday to meet like to. You know, handle state, because I'm the person who handles all that- and am I, sir, having a panic attack just walking in to the warriors office, because I just I just can't believe that he's gone. I can't my mind can like it just keeps heading

It keeps you know if you ve lost someone unexpectedly it the shock. Is it just in? I had seen him had seen him the day before at our sons, baseball game You know just like talk to him, nor more than that. Anything weird like started having a ban, attack yesterday and I felt like I was like leaving body, and god bless my boyfriend had to. The second time in our relationship like bring me back from a panic attack and yeah, I can't it's so good, so overwhelming and it so. how do you walk in our kids through this? I am. I know that,

something you guys are wondering, is a coward, the kids and I think the kids are doing as well as they can. But that's you know it's like these times when people are like. How are you and you're just like. I'm fucking horrible. I m not it's not! Ok, bye! They are doing, Lastly, as well as I think, any of us could hope for and theirs for kids, and they all had different relationships with their dads, and so the grief looks different. Based on that, and I mean I have experienced a lot of grief and my life. So my way helping them through. This is. Whatever you are feeling is fair and allowed and real to you and you are allowed to feel those feelings and we're not going.

tell anybody else in the family. How to feel you know like, for example, one of my sons- and I remember this- I remember my brother died because I was young in one of my sons. for the first couple days, kept making really awkward, jokes and then he would just be mortified that he had said this awkward joke and then he would cry because he felt he was being a jerk as he was making a joke about it It's almost like you have you, you know you don't have control. For what you're saying or vienna and dumb even that leg, just was mortifying. Unlike know you shock you're the best his train to process what's happening were all. Having our version of that and you're. Not you don't have to feel any end negativity around how you're trying to process this we're just gonna keep talking about it.

And keep crying we're gonna keep pino. Saying good memories of ham, we're just gonna, keep one foot in front of the other, which is all we can do in the first week. I just Kids were in school, and I guess we're all here, and I just wanted the house to be- is calm and peaceful as possible, and I just Made funeral arrangements and cleaned that's what I did. I had to busy and I didn't know what else to do so. I just kept clean. And then, when the house was clean, I would go out in the yard and garden like I just kept my hands moving, because every it would just going from like consoling children are talking to family or making

judgments to going now. There's nothing to do, and I have to do something. I'm gonna go crazy. So as what we did, I can't believe it. I can't believer in this. I still to a certain extent that I'm in a lot of shock about what has happened, and I dont words so I guess I just wanted to tell you where we are. and that is more sad and were angry

were confused and were all the feelings, but we are very strong. We are very close. We are a very tight croup and it's gonna take some time, but we are going to be okay. We are going to be okay, so where do we go from mere forward, for it is the only answer I have to get back to work mostly because I'm losing my mind a little bit, not working, I just need act. I think I need a distraction. That's

have officially organised and cleaned everything in this house, so kids have to go back to school and I need to go back to work and this is what grief is You know we're still here and we're still living and at some point you have. To rejoin the world and try and figure out how to navigate this new normal. So for the last couple of weeks we have not posted episodes of the show just out of respect and also because I just couldn't, deal but starting tomorrow, you're going here, podcast that were recorded before Dave passed away. We're gonna go back to what we had already done before his death and em.

So if you hear the following episodes of the show the kind of sound a normal voice. Some, like you, know, nothing's wrong. That's why, and luckily we have. a lot of episode, so I dont have to record anything any time soon and I'm just gonna ease myself back in I've been. I sort of just writing journaling a lot, because that really helps my brain trying to make sense of things and am yeah. That's where we're at we're going to go for. I do a lot of therapy, we're gonna cry and we're going to figure out what life looks like now, and you know if here

If you have the time or the intention, just just keep wrapping us and prayer, especially the kids, just keep lifting them up and wrapping them in prayer, specifically that they just have courage and strength as they go back to school and feel. Unsure and awkward cause the other kids are looking at them, and I you know you guys can imagine or maybe you've lived through something similar, such as keep them and us in your prayers and yeah. Just wanted to tell you trying to tell you that and yeah. That's it. I love you guys, thanks for thanks for listening.