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this study should break up the dish, people who never broken up with one another. Now it's true less three brief points a triad, the traffic so hey before you go and willing to tell everyone are at the end of this episode and for an before listener mail and actually, instead of listener mail, We're gonna have in a couple of deeds from new show on a network in UR, gonna break right now, there's how to money, and- these guys are local and they were mixed up. Should know listeners met jaw and they were like. We want to start a pod gas about finance and money matters in life. The sword like what you guys do that approachable in real and just like a couple of people talk a normal, but about

money yeah. It's really really good yeah, so we're gonna to have those guys on at the end for few minutes, but it's a show. I think everyone would love so a cigarette for that call. So I think this out, because mainly it is refrain, we get an email or what we hear from heartbroken people alot should more than you think there are dislike. Also sad what's a broken heart in you, you guys have helped me with the show as a distraction, which we will learn, is one of the official ways to get over break up. Yeah look over here, ethics, ECHO heat, So just got me thinking about like is there any science behind break ups and the IMF kinda go along with it in turns out there is a lot like a disturbing a study has been tied. I know when you look at your like men. Maybe you should have allocated that money towards research towards other things, zeal cancer,

near. Although social psychology could do now and as you know it- not like there like, oh well. This it's all taken from one big bull will allocate some of this break up money toward cancer research. Sure flowers are you allocate the money, but the the mental energy- I guess, is what I'm talking about it. This, those just like study after study in and so we should point out to you that I think there was one case in here: one study where they looked at homosexual couples, but most of them study is like Sis gendered straight couples: yeah, through that lends only there not doing it's on a research outside that I found I found one there dumb that that tracks correlate the likelihood of breaking up the time and they had a broken out by same sex and straight

Married an unmarried those who, like the other categories, so only by doing so they are for the most part. And I think one of the reasons why Turkey is a lot of this is from the mid term. Thousands early, two thousand tens that was. You know that was the last the last. They pretend end of that now I think it's starting to change. Fortunately, right because people of all genders in. Sexual orientation break up and get dumped you to help all of you so buckle win, grabber hanky, let's go through year, Mean was that we should go and start up by saying. I guess that in theory, more people are breaking up now People are generally waiting longer to get married right, so if he could extrapolate there, if you're, not married fur ten more years, unless they are parents were right, then maybe you ve come through a couple more breakups along the way

here we should give a shudder to christian conquer of unladylike media colleagues, who wrote this article old pal, but she points out that that quickly means that you are going to find somebody who you work with, rather than rushing into it, but it also as she puts it. Like leaves the window open longer for heartbreak to be dumped yeah. One thing I checked this is mind boggling to me. Eighty five percent of people. According to this one study will be dumped in their lifetime, will experience being a break up in their lifetime. They mean to fifteen percent of humanity. Won't that is those are some. Interesting people, eight fifteen percent- have not had a break up or been broken up with, will not in their lifetime is going to either never have a relationship or the first time they're gonna hit it out of the park.

That doesn't mean like or settle. I've never been dumped yeah like never have gone through a break up, but I've been through breakups. I've done and the dumper right. I know what you're saying: no. I believe that they will not have experienced at a break up in their lifetime either way. Well, that's great them in Nigeria and met the person that they love when there are young but again or immediately. They decided to live their life alone, just fine right or or both like I said they decided like yeah, I'm just gonna stick with this person. I don't want to. I want to be when I don't want to ruin my record, I spotless I think it's very interesting here that supposedly in this is very hanky how they found this out about the spikes in breakups. From my

That's a facebook data plus removing count social psychology doesn't count. I agree, but that doesn't make a little bit a sense, and I could see this being true. That generally dumping, some wine are getting broken up with can happen. Any day of the year, but there are spikes and the December in early March here because of Christmas holidays and spring break intact. Golly I could see that being true, there has I'm sure it's true at least on Facebook. Bananas is pretty big data pull, but it's like a solely the its lazy, but I could see it because it's it makes a little bit of sense that you would not want through the holidays. With someone that any anything to in this important point out like when the wake up happens when that talk, or these days, text message or phone call happens That is the end of something for maybe both of you.

But definitely one of you yeah, sometimes most of the time that actual active saying we're breaking up, that's it. And of many many weeks or even months or even years of contemplate about whether or not you want to still be with this person right it's why being broken up with is almost ass. The board way harder sure then breaking up because by the time You said by the time the person to initiate the breakup initiate the break up this. This is at the end of a long road of decision making, yet, whereas the other person might have been blissfully unaware, or at least wilfully ignorant, or not willing to address the issues here. So there one way or another large caught off guard by being broken up with. So the personal does making up has already gone through all these stages of grief for of separation, whereas now it's this person, the person who has been dumped, it's there too

to go through right, so fear, if you're doing the dumping like the owl after you, have that conversation you're like what a relief and I'm starting up. Let's go get some gin, whereas the dumpy is like let go get some do that the kittens that begins their process although the ironing out take issue with that whole line of thought, though, is it a lot people, even that might get dumped aren't like Why, like vapor I have known address- didn't want to admit it right or weren't brave enough for strong enough to do it themselves yet- and I agree with you on that- I think that there is still a thread. That they had not been preparing themselves, just by being in say, denial or unwilling to address it face it, now. They have no no choice but to face reality, whereas the person who did the break up was like in reality in coming to terms with it quietly her and then now it's your turn right wing

brings me back to my original point, which is Christmas in spring break a little bit better sense, because the person who is desperate, get out of our relationship and break up with somebody there staring at us Christmas holidays and that first we could do so girls around like I gotta do this now, because I don't wanna travel out of town with his person and give thing right in the holidays, or does it have to be relationship, it's alive was sure be rather holiday. I mean holidays or so about like connecting hearing and warmth and all that, and if your faking it or have to fake it, some people like I'm, not going through that. I also saw an explanation in Harpers Bazaar of all places that some people may do that because of the pressure of coming up with a really good gift. Her head there relationship, is not worth the price of coming up with a good give outweighs the value of the relationship to those people or there are some.

We don't want to put their significance- other through that, so they just break up proactively right. Which also means that they didn't the relationship that much either by in her mind there not doing it for themselves their hearing for the other person because they don't want, but the other person through that that pressure of having to get them the gift? Yeah I've never had that thing either where you start dating someone, and it's like the couple weeks for their birthday or christian and you and then that pressure like man, her I'll play this one you know a couple after a couple of weeks? Yellow? Yes, if you only ladders person, but how deep dont go on this gift, here. I don't really know you got you a basket of socks. Everyone loves socks, so Here's an Amazon gift card for thirty, eight. Fifty after a couple of weeks, it's a little low clothes. You have come up with a perfect gifted can be expected to dimension breaking a bite

stir whatever, like you, would suspect your born before night. Seventy. Five, like myself, you break up in person supposedly about seventy four percent of the time I oppose nineteen. Eighty four. If you were born less than fifty percent, and you're gonna do that important person, and they generation. Why, whatever that, is that these models? Is it I'm pretty sure When did they name them directly? They know. What like is. My daughter have a generation already had a name, I'm sure somebody out there is not yet your daughter's generation not boxer it right. I got a pigeon hole. Folks, let her go up. Person, but if you are gin, why you're more likely thirty percent disorder over the phone and, of course the says, searing incident message or an email. I think these days you about a text in email is the lowest per cent.

Eyes and compassion wise four point. Four percent of people- that's strike up like an email I was held up pretty bad email is as bad as it gets its second, the city, Rosa sticking out I don't remember you think felt in the movie Eurasia. I didn't see the movie sticky no break, I think so. Should we take a break jealousy, brakemen school really really well so far, hello, I'm John Adoption with a host of serious wraps, a new weekly hip, hop pass preparing on Iheart radio, me and John have been friends for over twenty years. Every week we get together and talk about hip hop life, politics whatever comes to mind, but let me ask you: if you had to play

one episode or one segment of serious wraps to get a new listener to understand. Why? Oh, this is what these guys are about. This is what this shows like, which one would you pig Maybe the war will repeat ourselves as the next hoped for the aviator words adult video. Is this news? Lettered It is those that our new loan for four year I called the porn awards. Yes, so I mean, if you are interested to hear that kind of crazy stuff spears very strict of stories porn awards mixed. There was a little here pot. Look. They were the part he s where you come once a year when you can check out serious, wraps primarily on the hearth, radio network, the hour radio EP apple pie, kiss Wherever you get packages.

Very check so we talked about win people break up how they break up. Why do they break. Well, actually, with their one more, I think pretty important thing about the how which is men and women but things wrong with you by already much, whereas men, it's a little more supposedly little more nebulous where the MAGIC Co yeah women who tend to present a list of grievances. Things wrong with you, but already much, whereas men, it's a little more this will be a little more nebulous. Were the magical yeah there you go. That's apparently the differences as far as like rationale for breaking up- and these are so

macro level in Broadway and how we talk about it, it's a little embarrassing to even do Talk about this stuff yeah! I will do this in women. Do the right! Now, it's absolutely true! That's, but I like when you talk about this people can find themselves in the contours of annex of all you put all this stuff together. If you just took study and said that this is definitive. People should to punch you in the kidney. But I really dont punch anybody. You know everyone or the last almost eleven years of stuff. You should now have settled. The things that may sound like I'm inciting people the violence friendly violent. So I was joking. Every single time. Someone said something I just. I just want to make sure that everyone knows that I was never ever actually serious in saying hit. Somebody in the head with a tat, came near your point, some one in the kid I'm hearing all the time, except for one,

recommend that you pants somebody in fry was key. Even the entire they classroom or that psychological abuse. It is its physical, but it's more psychology in any european pants, infernal people. Yes, really, then, I can tell you psychological and only give everyone pads work Imagine anything more horrifying than being pants without underwear on well. I can confirm that, because I can't remember being passed. I just remember that I have been pants. I think I just immediately blocked out at hurting Nestorian no story. There so if you get broken up with will feel and we're going? about the science of allotted this, because it's very somewhere to overcoming addiction. Sometimes, but of course depression and anxiety, sometimes suicidal thoughts.

Sometimes homicide. Oh sure, that's a the outcome of the worst case outcome that and suicide of a break up, but they are directly related to breakups. That's how bad breakups can be and apparently you know when people do you write in about getting dumped and stuff say you know it's the most frightening in the world, but, like time is the only thing that really helps yeah like ice cream, stuff like that is good, but like it really, has decreased. We're time, however, in studies? Eight weeks? After being dumped, then this study, forty percent of people, still had signs of clinical depression. And twelve percent appeared moderately or severely depressed gathered. It depends on relationship along here in it. How much admit to you? What can a person you are, but it can stick around for a forbid it can. So

the thing is that there are things you can do to help accelerate the healing process and we'll talk about those at the end. About that ever will make our way so on. Where we check are we the air, while the attack. And styles, I think, is interesting, but we did talk about like gay straight system, you know on the gender spectrum. Maybe none of that matters. Maybe what matters is what they call your attachment style. That's that's what this says pretty plainly, thereby that's what it comes down to how you attach yourselves to other people can be a needy. Clingy dude, you dirty a avoided woman or can be either one of those things anywhere on the gender spectrum. That's the thing like the idea that women are clinging manner. Distance is fabled

yeah right at least him fisted yeah. I think so. It's sort of that thing in social science it bothers me which is like you're either this or that. Right, like one thing or the other im, really all yours, a white college student, that's what they really mean tat. You had a little time There have been needed extra credit There are two supposedly again two things attachment Sal's, anxious attachment and avoid it won't hatch meant Congo points out like that's two ends of a spectrum. Ok and you can have all somewhere on their theirs. Actually, it's pretty straightforward. It some Oh, oh es. I believe her o s. I it's a scale, will where are you pick, how you're relationship is best described by a series of Ben Diagrams circles you and one circle is. Yours- if again other and there's this increasingly together from just barely touching too

almost completely merged into one single circle, and you just circle the one that best describes you're you're sense of what your relationships like and that supposedly gets here. Your of spectrum are placement on the spectrum of attachment across into thanks Israel, subjective itself reported so as to say not scientific right. Unfortunately, I suppose Only two thirds of women initiate divorces. In this article says that might give them a statistical edge over getting over a relationship because they an issue the break up, so they ve been in the process already. Maybe that's what I think she meant think so. I'm just not so sure that, just because a woman initiates a divorce it may then after years of a systematic abuse in a right which may not me my she's, so ready to get over this quicker than he might be.

Yeah. No, I mean you can't say like if Ex then why, right with this its relationship, sir, is messy, is as humans get it's a relationship, That's all you need to say what's up the brain a little bed, because this is where it does get a little more interesting. I think Finally, we are slightly more scientific, again There was a study in two thousand Levin by neurologists at the Einstein College, a medicine which sounded totally fake, but if a guy I have sounds made a written down it's in the Bronx. Yet is also reputable. There also anthropologist from Rutgers and soon either legitimize things out in the study it Yours is legitimizing thing, sir. We're in trouble. No, really that that really I thought workers is all right. My confusing it with us you probably thinking Princeton, ok, but New Jersey schools. I thought rock

was the public ivy sorry rockers. I tried We reject ban them. They're gonna be so mad. At me, I've hung out a ruckus. I've been there people, so you know it's time up an executive. The Detroit of New Jersey colleges or something that's not untrue. He'd who disagree boy, we're gonna get killed. That's ok! So this study from Einstein, college of Medicine found that just looking at photograph of an ex partner cause, the second sumo Samantha Sensory Cortex, the dorsal dorsal posterior in both cheese and these areas process physical discomfort, they start lighting up. The same thing is It is when you get physically injured basic right, like you earned. Actual legitimate pain. As far as your brain is concerned, in the midst of a break up at least win,

you're stuck in an MRI machine and soon a picture of your recent acts, which is a big deal now with social media, because every modern article I read about breakups and getting over them talked about what a deleterious effect, Social media will have on your recovery process taunting me because the stuff everywhere now it used to be easy. You could just throw everything in a shoe box and I'm fired on fire and send it down a river here and a little boat made of rage. Cheer but you can't do that anymore, because they're everywhere. No, but That'S- that's Tipp number, one from psychologist, guy which author of how to fix a broken heart stay. The h off of social media do not Mercury, Exxon, Social, do not check in like just separate that would be really hard cause in the old days, it was just left a year, imagination to think about how

when they were having been with you. Now, you can see pictures of the nine new boyfriends Jerry as but you're right now, our org, you know. Maybe it helps I I don't know, I think it's imperative that you not do that to help to help like its knowledge, watching them on social media will prevent you from ever getting over it. I think no matter what you do, you're scan to people eventually get past this up. All your doing is prolonging the process in that of like I, the thoroughly and then also when you are on me, FM our machine and they did brain scan for people who had been open up with recently. They found that view. Much similar to people overcoming like an addiction to cocaine in that that, aim circuitry is of overcoming addiction, assist lighting up. It's that potent

yes, is so far with this MRI study from Albert Einstein came up with, is that you are in physical pain from the break up and you're The same centres that are activated by addiction, cravings withdrawals are activated the break up as well. That's astounding, But oh and the weird thing is you immediately get a reward. You will get a dope Amene head like a pleasurable feeling, basing this person they and then you really. Like the burger king laying on earth, can work, but you you'll see the photo and the weird thing is your immediately get a reward. You will get a dopamine head like a pleasurable feeling. Basing this person they, then you realize. Oh, why why then you get sad right immediately, afterward and then that sadness, sadness that come from, soggy feeling that triggers the brains, ventral a technical error.

Yet in the nucleus acumen, bins, acumen, bins, I think so. I know we ve run in that before we talk about the Bush, A lot more Cubans, they. We figured out the brain, their rights, we start yeah we're like stone, but These two things working together, regardless of how I mispronounced them trigger the urge to see that person. So you get sad, in your brain lights up into areas and then they go hey. I remember that doping, had you get from looking this picture. Why don't you just give me a call and see what's going on, right. You want the real stuff go, go dried on. They also those two areas apparently also are analytical as well. So their response- Then I have tended to do that. I think everybody does. I don't understand. Why Apparently, there are not very realistic because most people, when rehashing the relationship highlight the good its and forget about all the bad parts. I can I attended

I think everybody does. I don't understand why I don't know, I agree with that like Emily and which we, of course, the marriage along the subject, never comes up any more, but I was always like with the old girlfriend was so bad there then, if I really thought about it, I would remember where she is: People are half of people who do read when rehashing only think about the good stuff and forget about all the negative stuff. Ok, so even in you not done them, even if you like, you represent a third of people, are half of people who do read when rehashing only think about the good stuff and forget about all the negative stuff What is that? Why does that even happened? It's bizarre! If you think about your personality thing work, if I tend to be, optimistic, maybe year a year,

I guess it's a pretty good explanation. To tell you the truth. I was going to say, as if you look it relationships or romantic love her as a I'd evolutionary drive to pare and made her successfully over and over again and to state again that would bring you back to this person that you ve only eight with rather than making you go, look for another mate that make sense. So maybe it's kind of like a back stopper fail safe for break gaps, evolution airily speaking bright, like I was so close to having nine babies, I really want to start all over again. I right, which is fine. Because that means there Emily's more involved than you in that sense, yeah and every since two thousand. By the end of that mental cycle. Basically, though, is those areas light up that say: go back and see that person

then you are immediately unsatisfied and about the fact that that's not happening. That's when your brief frontal cortex trips into gear and that's when you get angry and assistant mental cycle that starts seeing that photo on a social media platforms and ending up upset in the end, but the same study led by Helen Fisher found that act over time, the same process is greatly degraded cure. I think they did a follow up in the months conquer says, founded The whole process and in all of the narrow chemicals and the brain regions, are much less active which again this time, give it time right. But if you don't at the time, and they do the thing where you do get back together, that there can be right. You know it's. Sometimes you can work it out. People can change. But there's big caviar. There well right, go ahead,

No, no! No you! You say yours, ok! I think I'm tired something out, so what saw was that if you get back together, rather and saying like this- is a fresh start. We're gonna try this over again we're going to really make it go of it. If you do that, all you're going to do is his walk right back into the same. Pitfalls in Pratt falls because the separation probably did nothing or virtually nothing to you. Individual personalities right, which are the source of all of your conflicts seed it only like you. Just magically worked complex out in you're, getting back together and everything's. Fine that's the charade. But if you back together and say, I decided I love you the way you are, and I don't want to be away from you and I just accept you for you and I accept our relationship with all of its problems. Probably going to have a successful reunion. If you into it, like all of our problems are solved because we broke up. You just go

the data same thing again down the light. That's apparently of a fairly frequently. Something like sixty percent. There's some crazy percentage of younger? the younger generation generation, why? I guess in Britain the process breaking up the majority of them that the breakup evolve. Getting back together, multiple time right, that's what's here you're getting back together just going through the same pattern, I think there's a us feel the thought and psychology called scripts. These are scripts right. I were we're playing out one another scripts and if you dont altered script you're gonna go through the same script over and over again you're you're working out the same things from your past or from each again, one another and you're not doing it. The right way so are you doing is creating conflict, and it does magically go away because you Fran a couple months apart. You have to say I'd. I love you for you are, and we're going to do is keep going ya. Think

What I was going to say was: don't they think, though, that that also depends on just what kind of person you are in terms of thinking. Either people can really make substantial change in their lives or they can't that's. How how you deal with a break up which will talk about a minute. They sent a good place for a break, I think so too. What was your first musical memory or the first out of ever more that first contact? My question over the lead,

and those are some of the things I want to know about. When I and my team Supreme sit down with the guests for new episode of my podcast Questlove Supreme Week, we chat with one of our favorite creators and thinkers, and we find out what makes them great it's not about gotcha journalism or trying to get the most salacious stories. Although I'm not If someone wants to spill some tea all over the table, it's really about knowledge in you Florence's and the hours upon hours of work that goes on not only when the spot lights turned on, but also long before the spotlight has even been plugged in listen to Questlove Supreme on the Iheartradio, app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast all right.

before we get to that. But we are talking about before the split. This is one piece of data from the same sex couples community supposedly from studies. They do think that same sex couples are better at staying friends here so that after I up no, which particularly lesbian couples, then gay men and then straight couples are like forget about it so on. Yet an interesting thing Can you really be friends after and it all depends on how, and Hence in how long, and then how can a person you are, but it's interesting meet people that legitimately our friends with people that they seriously dated years later, pretty rare think actually I've been is to think it seems less rare, because you see it unlike tv, Shows a lot right, you know,

and it's also almost aspirational. Like I'll look out like how late back in like with these people, are that they can be friends after this. You know, I think it's pretty rare, actually I think it's an idealized form bright again. People like to you like to think that you're on good terms with everybody in your life, that's usually the person breaking up, though there is like I'd like to still be friend rise sure, whereas the person getting broken up with his like now are you could get? by car right and that would solve the problem sticking with the whole same sex straight thing recent straight sir. Now that didn't feel right, does it doesnt so, let's just say same Saxon Hydra hero, there's clinical name for it boy. So did the time and marriage seem to be the two greatest indicators, at least as far as this one study I saw went for the light

We heard of staying together over long periods of time right all relationships, sex and hetero man. Woman. All of them are in at the greatest risk of break up within the first to write, and then it starts to drop precipitously, but I think married hetero couples have a fairly low rate of alone answer breaking up over times, pretty much flat the whole time Say and with same sex couples the same thing happens it the chance, a break up his pretty high at the beginning, and then it starts to come down and then it's basically tracks with her. Couples for marriage, So marriage is kind of the factor, and time is a second factor, but then time stops being a factor, like thirty forty years for unmarried couples hydro and same sex. They serve to break.

Every year, like thirty or forty, like the needs of a break up, increases yeah about once you get married once you get a ring on it over time over, like you know, decades is what we're talking about your chances. Was nil of of breaking up right, like less than I think a per cent that doesn't sound right because the daily capital marriages and a divorce where this thing was way off, but maybe this when taking into account maybe that front loaded by rather divorce. They happen every five years right, namely the guy that would make a little bit more sent debtors they do find that your chances of getting over a break up or adjusting to that new posts break up life really centres around regaining your sense of self that when you couple up with someone something you can have a sense of self anymore, because his very healthy to her. But there is an inevitable.

Option in morphing that happens and a little bit of Your sense of self goes away. When you couple yeah, same friends, the same phone number yeah, same Andrei yes, yeah. What about couples that share the email address you mean? I have one really never had one. But you have your own too well yeah, we have our own, but we have a shared one to think about other people that just have the shared address share of ice on the interesting. Judging I don't know anybody who, just as a shared addressed, I dont, get why people would have the same one guess I do so and we saw the mainspring address, who, while the Emily Minds Vandyke up now That is the truth, because nothing that ski people from emailing her, but she said she for so long and I make fun around with I'm sure if she still pays like twenty dollars a year for this and she was like I've had it for so long that I just can't give it up. So people say

on Facebook, like I'm, not changing. My email address, like so many years, memories there, it's like you, the matters or content less than ever email. I think it's funny. I was like that money going who owns would you mind, scream the air a mindset bring fortune. He can twenty bucks, a mind getting your packets cigarettes because of Emily man, and then for a recovery that the stress, related growth thing that can happen with recovery, which is- and I think women tend to be more apt- Do this than men, but like all right, you know what I'm free now do all those things that I lost. While I was with him right, I didn't have time

my friends anymore. I lost connection to them. I didn't do I didn't find model airplanes. There are three airplanes and I'm gonna drop some weight and start eating healthier at the post. Breakup weight loss as a huge thing. It is, and partially from stress the partially just because, like I'm gonna make myself the best I can be and also her or him? I think it's also like is just up. Simple, is like more free time, but here is something to do. That is you know as is also stress, relieving you might not be eating as much as your stomach is tied up in distress. Knots right there, a bunch of reasons for But here is that here's. Where that that part? Who told you my earlier? I say we get to kind of kicks in is how much of this self you identify with does relate to how well you handle a break up? How much of your? How much of the? U is the we in the relationship here and what they found? As that that's a high

part of it, but more significant. Is the amount of growth that happens while you're in a relationship like you can share a tremendous amount of the same self with Europe significant other and grow as a person as a result, and if you do that, you're actually going to have a harder break up there we that that super attachment that lead personal growth is related to that other person whose now gone. Whereas if you were even if you are totally in messed with another person, but you didn't grow much personally. If you expect It's a bursts of growth. After the break up you're going to have the easiest breakup of all, even though you are super messed with the person right, you weren't growing, but then you, Oh afterward, now that period

of non growth is related to that person is gone and you can be like songs year. I'm gonna make myself here, yeah DC sure did they come across yeah can sometimes I'm not the best at explaining things it's pretty funny, if you think about it in two thousand. They did a study at Northwestern University where they did find out, though, that they asked people believe how bad you think this break up. Going to be here. If you'd, if you mean you're, no relationship what, if he broke up and and they found out that they'd they weren't as bad office, they thought they would be, which is encouraging. It is but also think about this chuck these votes those who run in the study will occur in a relationship is just organist just in case. You guys break up here and so

they would get that info that self reporting info about how bad the break up of b and then they swooped in upon the break up like how bad is it yeah tell us and the person was like, this as bad as it is, and it was almost across the border, not what not anywhere near as bad as the people thought. It would be right when they were in the relationship, which is pretty right and what is even more surprising, is the more in love. You are the east here, it's going to be relative to how bad you think it will be during the relate right, which makes sense of and think about it yet the other, interesting thing too, when we are talking about getting out, a break up and your sense of self ass, closely tied to how you feel about rejection, and there are blue I mean more than a couple of ways, but if you're reflection of your.

How you think about rejection is tied it heavily into how you feel about yourself. So there's some people that might be ready. Did, and it might devastate them because they start to analyze themselves and what do wrong and what's wrong with me right, there's a whole other camp out there, and I think this goes into personality and ego and all that stuff. But few call these people healthy or sociopaths. Oh, you think of me. Oh I'd, probably undervalued, while the gist, the spirit of our cards on the table here, but people better like me broken up with that, but- and I got rejected, but enough as happens that happens in life, people get rejected is not because of me. Not everyone now you know so you finding out, and you find this quote- sociopath EC. I learn that two people can both be quality individuals, but that doesn't mean they belong together. Sociopath it to you that that was away. It says he said that it was TED Bundy pattern

Even now, I don't think it necessary. Sir severally means your sociopath, but I think someone with that is it yours Yo path would probably, way more were apt to be like oh yeah. Well, it was them not me yet like it's why they might break up there. Some a sub group too that sociopath as you call it camp. And they are like well breakups happen. I heard what the other person said. And there are some things I feel like. I need to work on like sick. I was a tear communicator. Some in our work on becoming a better communicator arose as a result, let's called stress, related growth is without cover you growing out of this horrific experience in this healthy. That super healthier. But they they The key is what's on health, is to say this was because as some fatal flaw that I have right, it's part of personality that on be able to get rid of

so I M going to do- is poison every relationship from here on our her fan, I'm just gonna build walls and keep everybody at a distance. Some people do as a result of a break up, and you can't do that. Even if your brain starts. Go that way. This research says it stop it. Don't you have to dissociate yourself become the your path. I guess, if need be, to say this is not carbon inherent flaw in me, the dry uncorrected or even, if the poorest, was right even if they're, like your terrible indicator and you I have serious mommy issues. It does mean that you will always be a terrible communicator with serious mommy issues. Here, you could work, gone those posts break up and become a much better s so to the net. Person or whatever. The key is not not being a fate like there's nothing, you can do to change right, and then also you should evaluate whether the person was saying that and anger sure how much faith

he put in their opinion of you, there's a lot of actors that you need to take into account before you gone. That kind of thing that just put in the bottom of a well yeah it where you could conceivably hang out, for rest of your life. If you're, not careful here without suit copious amounts of therapy agreed or Turning to drugs and alcohol, which is a big, Jean yeah, big, think, a lot of people do gin cuts both ways. Should we talk about some of these tips from this guy who's? Psychologist guy went through number one is don't check up on them on social media. It luck with that. Here's why he says that this will reinforce your excess presence in your mind, make it harder for you to stop fantasizing about your broken relationship. You basically just like. Early, keeping them right there in front of your face right through social media, which is why it's a bad idea to do

by creating mysteries about why the breakup happened and again this is along the same lines of just keeping your ex, like forefront in your mind, which is hard, I mean it's gonna, take a little while shirt Roy Eggs Data pop up and speak like well they're. Out of my mind, that's sociopath yeah, even if here the breaker upper Pino. Does it mean that you don't have a process to get? There was well sure but this way says avoid creating mysteries. Legates is probably going to happen, but like be mindful, when it's going on be like enough right when I go work out her good drink, some gin or both number three make a list of all the compromises. Goodwin make a list of all compromises that you had to make that you don't want to make again start to think about. Like her, you know one. I was with this person, like. I can never really been have my real sense of humour out in public because they thought it was loud, their counters that that dumb,

the brie hashing that just focuses on the positive fear. It's cuts the legs out from under that at legs, but about number four. Things that used to bring you enjoyment is gonna. What I was talking about earlier emails don't seem interesting now that the whole thing we're like cheese, Easter, really, love pottery and throwing clay and adjust acquit down at once started. It Josh here is below clay, throwing my house, and Josh hated it when Chuck went to the potter's wheel, because it reminded him of ghost, enjoy shaded that movie. So he wouldn't allow me to do it, but you know what I'm gonna reclaimed that pottery will bring ironic cuz, I was always walkin around her house, just like Patrick Swayze, still hated them we're because finally took Patrick Swayze aversion

five remove reminders. This is the box that you will burn, which is now just your laptop in the fireplace in your smartphone and then like reconnect with your friends like yeah, you left him in the dust years ago, but there still alive they probably what, might hear and for me the other problem here, as is, if you, you truly do have a mix of friends at you, both love sure and like I didn't leave behind all my old friends right like or the way case in areas like all of my friends or from you now. What do I do? go down to the. Why am CIA and makes them new friends? I guess so I found this one last study that was interesting. The best way to get over breaker according to science. Necessarily, published in the Journal of experimental psychology and they tested a bunch strategies for getting over a break up twenty four heartbroken people, it is twenty to thirty seven that had been in at least it

when half your relationship so pretty significant somewhere dumpy, some numbers and they said there three strategies. One is to negative. We re praise your ex. I just think about all the bad things The other one was called love reappraisal, which is below even read statements like it's ok to love, someone I'm no longer with its all right and then the third. Was distraction literally the ice cream, a governor movies trick the black your trick, and then there was the fourth prompt, which was the control which was dont. Think about anything. Worse means you thinking of the state of mind. Don't think about anything, really just undermine the science of that slate nuclear brain, so those were the or problems, and they showed everyone they hooked. Everyone up to an e g machine show them photos of their axes and they measure intensity of emotion in response to that photo.

And then had them use these different problems to see like which one works bath where they looked in, people who were not thinking about anything bleeding out of there. I saw at work in it Turning to the readings, all three, all three of the strategy's significantly decrease their emotional response to the photos really relative to the control. If you looked at your in a negative light that first one like such a jerk. You had a deal and feelings of love, but you left in a worse mood, dredged bad feelings like you, ve wasted your time or something maybe or just like just took me out. Thinking about stuff right in answered now, did stumps study some key trade distraction made feel made. You feel better overall, but do not have much of an effect on how you really felt about them. Okay, he just didn't.

And necessarily bad mood. You discuss ice and watched money movie good enough, which is fine, but said that that doesn't do anything long term to help you recover is like a temporary wherever there's a prolonged ETA. Do you think, You know as much as the people conducting while it said it's a form of avoidance that is shown to reduce the recovery k soda. It would prolong a guess. Everybody stop eating ice cream watching like Mere and then love appraisal showed no effect on your mood or how you feel about them, but it did dull, the emotional response a little bit, so there is really nothing to do as it sound like it. I saw a couple. More tips One is you write a letter that under no circumstances will you ever sent here, that's a good track it. I do not desire, not agree. Relationships Bryce, like anything bottle It also is really works well for grieving, too easy write, a letter

I only say whatever you want, because you know for a fact that the other person will never read it dear jerk will you can say whatever you want? It's just like a cathartic process. They help hasten things and then also Why do said? Songs so good when you're going through a break up. Why do people seek out said songs and the best explanation I saw the best theory. Is that a song, is a little capsule of emotion when you seeking out a sad song, your confronting a very emotions that Europe probably stifling right. Then, yes, in confronting such a raw form forces. To express our emotions. Cry, and that helps you process them faster, because you're you're not pushing off any longer your ear rear gear expressing a mere sorting through them, so there What said songs make you do that's why people seek out said songs when they're down in it actually helps hasten recovery?

the eighty in red. I don't think that's a Standing with me. That's the status on you like sailing fix me your way, you that sailing by Christmas, ass, lady in red and then than for the birds, sing same holdings trick three Jerry knows that the visit to her girl. Science is geared to the three said, lady and resident Christopher Cross. I think it is now our five dollars Jerry were all matting. No five dollars is on the table. I'll. Look it up! Well, yes, I'll find out next episode, whether I was right or not I remember the guy's name- it's Christopher Cross, oh Israel is doing one of a rare speaking parts. She says Christs Christoph Waltz, that's the act. You know it's funny as I miss type something in it changed. My search to lady and Redwings like Red,

it must be a fetish signed, guess, yeah well I'll check doing that. If you I know more about breakups, go read about it because it's way better than going through and since we said that sign for listening for now hours, while that is Crystal Bird, whose Christa Burke, it's amazing, Deborah I gotcha at Christopher, I'm sorry, but I think he was a one had wonder, probably as british heart right performance, alien well, Christopher Cross did not have. This is great No, no, no, no lesser mail was get there. How the money goes in here. So here we are of a body as promised. We have very special non listener. Male listener male segment. Instead we're going to hang out with Joel MAD, the dude from how the money so welcome guys.

Thanks for having to appreciate it. I think you would be here: listen those voices, podcast work in autumn. It takes a while. You know that develop a voice. This golden excitable, you get there, you know it s, because no I've just learned the english language. So so how this happened was my friend from high school is a mutual friend of yours. Matt keg stand Todd, he got in touch to be social media said hey. I got these friends, it was sort of that thing that are ruined reds, which is like they have fun would. You have coffee with them and then I listen to the show, and it was great. I give hazard sort of doing stuff, you should know we approach the finance and would you join or network, and it was kind of that simple yell, The thing is, is it wasn't mistake? Cry like we, I've been a fan, that's why I came for four years and the approach talking about things, nature interested or that you find you know a curiosity

was. There was a huge draw to finding a way to talk about money in a way that was helpful to folks out other meaning help with their finances Thus the key is in it to still be actually interested in what you're talking about like what are some of the topics. You guys cover typically so we cover all sorts of topics really, more than anything stuff, an interest Matt Nigh, and so we cover I realise that every time we got together, what are we talking about money related issues such as kind of what we care about, and so we wanted to to help people figure out how to handle their money. Better, concise, like a huge issue right, and so we talk about tat refunds. We talk about student loans that we talk about how investing likes much simpler than you think it is there's this concerted effort, it seemed like it's a really hard thing and people. There they get their panties and allowed, because I dont know how to invest and they decide not to do it at all because it so hard right, and so we want to just help. We'll make it easier besides, the public service. Basically,

are you guys doing that, because there is a lot of like scary, Thornton in it. Fear of the unknown for sure, with finances in a lot of people have problems with money so yeah to go further and do that is to explain its of weapon into shape, for people is its debts, There's just not conversation happening around personal finance like bright folks were talking about and then the need to actually be be discussing it right It has to be sought by more and I by leading by example, to a certain extent, by talking about and having conversations about it like that alone, can a demon defies these, be no financial topic, some principles and If we can do that and encourage conversation break through the show through the podcast than that, you know, we see that as a huge when I think the danger for specific younger listeners, millennials that they'd this sort of shut it down because it they make the gets boring it's scary and

I don't even want to like go there and you guys do such an approachable way that it de MR buys it and makes it accessible and it really come. It is like a public service in a way. Yes, so I think it so. Format, and I too to do this show right. First, it just came out of what we generally talk about a cave. What do we do get together, we drink beer and we talk about money. It's on the show we drink beer to cry is part of our kind of approach like let us be normal human beings that talk about money, that care about the stuff, and so it's been really honesty to ensue. Go to see the listeners respond to seem too action to hear the sorts of moves. Both made in their financial lives already and the cool thing. The best part about the whole thing is that, at the end of the day, they ve David Howard themselves right. They gave me to change their own eyes. The makes their future self so much happier and even honestly, their self today, because, as you started, I've take? the range of your own financial life back, there's something that so

we re getting out from under dead, there's like no better feeling than that make you feel, like the man doesn't know new anymore yeah like you're, not indebted, literally and figuratively. At that point the others like how do I start? I don't even like right, the ball rolling and that's what he's people from likes it on the couch and not doing anything it so yet we want to be- at motivating factor, but also can be explained those things in it. That typically are shrouded in secrecy, but you said you guys talk about beer a lot on the Parker, Sir, it's a part of its like a third third host Kai another without a jerry of how am I said earlier that we may not exist. If I was Jerry, was a beer she'd be long gone by now that come so have what beer have you come across that is exceeded? save but worth the outlay European I made out so there. One of the reasons we have this year on the show is that it's an example of us

focusing on enjoying life now, while also balancing saving for the future that import it s a lot of times both get too caught up in, a compound interest calculators and they look ahead. They say man if I dont spent that we know we wanna have a Michaud, certainly there some that are better than others, but we enjoy every single one that we have on costs, depriving themselves and the things that they enjoy now you're a gull emerged with money and so pretty much in beer that we know we want to have on the show, certainly there some that are better than others, but we enjoy every single one that we have on as it is an examples in illustration of us taken time in time for ourselves. You know like we did not enough, but but It is a huge part of the show, and we felt that those eyes important, that we maintain that that. We maintain that in the bad guy for the fact that you don't discriminate from beard, beer, I've, just thy love, hats off to you again

Well, I mean you guys, herb demystify process, you're, making finance interesting and funny and I feel great, that you guys of us as an inspiration for doing that, and I think you really are doing a great service so like, if you're out there in podcast land and find it scares you. Or bores. You like listen that how the money for real, because it can it can a great aside, kicking a teacher for you, thanks guys we pursued at Nanda. There were declared to be part of the network and we love what you guys doing great to man. That thing off it's a lot of fun to be up. Are the the family for sure, and so the find you guys what an apple pie, Cason, Iheart, radio lab everywhere you get packing the places great, and when do you publish Monday? and wednesdays. What's your social oh, let's see how to money pod pretty much everywhere! Believe yes and we, the best part, is our Facebook group. So if you want to join in their there's over a thousand

for our each other questions and that's the community's Sudan on the fact that the community has sort of formed around the show gathers folks helping each other out and asking questions answering the questions of stuff they do know about. That is super light between that and the emails that we receive a false, explaining how they have created a budget the first time ever oriented and starting to set aside money towards but money o K. Finally, accepting the employer match, like just re things like greatness, is so rewarding in its huge. I wish I were to the show, because I was late Bloomer,

knowing anything about finances so about how to show my twenties I'd be a lot further along then I am today goes: if only we could time travel Meaneth exactly the way back away, baggage up, I'd be richer and slimmer. I thank you for coming by you guys. We appreciate it. If you want to get in touch with me, Chuck or Jerry, you can shoot us an email to Stuff Podcast House over a more or less and thousands of others happen. As has happened, sack

to recover from heartbreak to trace your dna. Escaped the internet on our part cast away to go. We ve been exploring all the recently and generally Europe, I'm positive Rosati and, together with a ganders, untroubled website tat, we have already heard so many great story such an act within rural Kenya, explaining the ins and outs of safe sack. Graffiti artists, italian, the islands of Southeast Asia, producer Lincoln High Fashioned Photoshop in the desert, listen to a way to go on the eye. Heart radio asked Apple podcast or whatever you get your please.