Go you guys, let's start out this episode by, guessing what happened to me a few days ago, a few days ago I recorded a pike, has episode for this week. And I sent it to my podcast editor and was like array Go here on this thing, like really just turn this thing out, Wait to hear it. You know anyway, he responds to me and says this file is empty, like there's nothing in this file and also what so I go back. on my computer and I click play. and I listened to it- and there's no sound at all like no sound was recorded, there's a two hour long file. there's no audio at all. I proceed to break down and cry, don't feel bad for me. That's not the point of this.

Ok, I'm not I'm not begging for your sympathy. I'm just telling a story ball my eyes out for like approximately two hours I genuinely felt an equal amount of sadness that I felt in my first teenage heartbreak, my first teenage heartbreak was possibly some of the worst pain I've ever felt my life. I thought I would never recover leg. The pay, and I felt when this episode got deleted is reminiscent of my first teenage heartbreak, and that scares me You know like I thought. I'd never have to feel that way. Again, so the way we were here. A few days later,. I am posting this podcast. It is late which I apologize for. If you like to this end, months down the line ignore

this. This is completely irrelevant to you but If you wait for the results to come out, which I really Pritchett, if you do that, I'm sorry that this one is late, but that's what happened and it was fucking traumatized, but we're here, I'm ready. And you know coming that traumatized experience of having a whore, so go down the drain. I just gotta be fun honestly. If I just sat in kind of talked about. Miscellaneous things. I've been on my mind and so on. we're gonna be doing today, but the main topic that when I talk about. is whether I'm lonely. Ok, because I talk a lot about

spending time alone. Why that's important I've even talked about how spending too much time alone can be bad I talk a lot about spending time alone in that's because that's I am very familiar with and also something that I've been playing around with a lot over the past year. So because I never really spent too much time alone up until the past year, or so. I always had people around up until I was sick, Jeanne seventeen I lived with my parents so has never alone and then for the first few years. After I moved out. I constantly friends around. You know. People were content. Sleeping over, I was it's hanging out with people and I was never really alone and then you know the past year,

more and more I've started spending more time alone, and that has led to some great things and some terrible things, one of the great things being that I've had a lot of time to self reflect. I've had a lot time to mature in grow and because of my reinvigorated sense of independence. I also have a reinvigorated sense of confidence, because, with independence comes confidence you feel good completely by yourself and you're, not relying on anybody else. Then you feel confident they go hand in hand. You feel like. I don't need anybody You know if somebody search treating me like shit, I'm thrown him in the trash can because I don't need them and I am confident in happy by myself. So I don't know.

Anybody, and also you know, I feel free to be who I am in front of other people, because if they reject me, I don't care guess I'm comfortable by myself, so I don't need them and I can wait for the person who will appreciate me for exactly who I am so that's Siena, some, the good stuff that comes with spending it is time alone, obviously some of the bad things being that you know. Sometimes you can lose perspective because. Your wrapped up in your own head by yourself. Nobody to help bring you back to earth. You know you can start to feel lonely. You can started develop more anxiety than you might otherwise. Just because you have a lot of I am to ruminate you kind of half. discipline, your own brain, to not think.

A rationally and negatively at times, because again you don't have anybody to help ground you and give you perspective. He also might focus too hard on yourself and start NIT picking out yourself, because you ve much free time to do so? I Touched on these things many many times, but I think it's an important refresher. You know spending a lot of time alone has alot approach. cause. I would say generally it's a positive thing as long as there's balance in you still are seeing people, and you still have people that you speak to on almost daily basis, but I. that generally spending time alone does a person good- and you know recently- It's so interesting. I've gone to a point where. and I don't know if it's a phase or what were not only Do I really need time alone

I also like don't want to. Anyone like. I don't really want to see. Anyone like I dont have a desire to go out with friends really right now and I dont have a desire to maybe even travel with friends. Occasionally for sure, but, like generally, I dont really feel this strong desire. To hang out with people and obviously in other, As a mean I never hang out with anybody in that doesn't mean that I never want to, but I would say eighty percent of the time. I would rather do an activity by myself right now and. I've been doing that a lot. You know I've been traveling quite a bit by myself, primarily for for the past month or so, and I mean you know, there's been

once when people that I'm close with have popped into the trip. You know any mean like my dad was with me for a period of my trip fur few other little chunks of my trip. I was with friends, but I would say eighty percent of the trip I was by myself and I like wanted it that way and I make videos on Youtube. I show you know things that I do in a day on Youtube and I've noticed that I've been getting a lot of comments of people seeming to be concerned. Well me because I spend so much I myself and because I adventure and do things by myself. And there were a lot of people that were concerned been worried about me because of this behaviour. You know of major doing most things by myself and some people. Were pitying me a little bit like

She so lonely its depressing, unlike whatever, but Wanted to share An interesting, no prospect in concept. To those who don't. understand yet how spending time alone can be so enjoyable. I want to be by myself when I'm buying. Myself, you know if I wanted to go do things with other people. I would you know I just only want to be by myself. I have like having experiences, by myself, right now in this phase of my life, this is what I want the most. You know I prefer alone time right now and I think that the reason for that is that one

by myself number one I get to experience things. However, I want to experience them. You know, I dont have anybody else's perspective about what they think about what we're doing. You know For example, let's say I go to a coffee shop and I tried coffee and, unlike like who this is really good. I'm not come here to Morrow. You know if I'm travelling by myself and I'm trying our new coffee shops by myself there we know in the next day roles round. I can go there again and I can experience that again and it's kind of all up me, whereas, let's say I'm travelling with somebody else and we go into the cottage: together, and I think this coffee shops incredible, but the person that I'm with his legs have shops sucks ass. I hate my drink and were never coming here again. This is awful. You know now, my

Experience in my perception of the things that I am experiencing starts to shift right because I'm also experiencing the experience through the lens of whom, with as well and as much as I can be great. Don't get me wrong like there are moments when that is fun, you know and even preferred. There are definitely moments when experiencing with others is great right, but for me A reason like I wanted just experienced things for me right now, like just for me, and I also think that you know doing a bunch of things by myself helps me. Two. number one leg for my own unique opinions, but all helps me, grow confidence in them and I'll explain that leg

in the past I feel like I've, he's, been kind of a yes man, you know so we'll go back to the coffee shop example. If I went to a coffee shop with somebody in, I loved it in the house Did you know I was always kind of the type of person there would be like? Oh, I think this coffee shops for good and then somebody else would be like. Oh, I think it's terrible you like yeah. Well, you know it's not the best. I think it's kind of it's not that good. I mean I don't. I didn't mean what I said I mean I used to be like that, because as I was constantly just trying to mediate, every situation that I was in an like make in dislike be agreeable. You know what I mean. and I never really had time to like develop my own opinions, because I was too busy just like agreeing with everybody. But spending time I myself is like allowing me to create and develop in for my own opinions on things and experiences. And really leg so little

by the way that I look at things, and I know that sounds kind of weirdly abstract, but I think it's been a really good. For me, and I have noticed that now you know when I have conversations with people I, am less likely to adapt my aunt to their opinion. You know, because I've grown a certain level of confidence in, certainty. In my opinions on things because I've spent so much time alone that I've had time to form those opinions, think them through and then have a conversation about them with somebody and stand by ground More- and I mean I don't know if I'm kind of reaching here- and this is all just make sense in only my brain, but that's been really great for me, and The last point I make about this is that I think that

Spending time alone is similar to getting adjusted to running. I will explain people who are really good at running and they enjoy running. Always say that you know the first few months when you start running it is brutal. It is painful, it is uncomfortable. It is awful. You hate and you never want to do it again. But then one day it clicks and you fall in love, near like wow, I love this. You know you start to get it. honours high when run. You start to look forward to it. You start get excited about it and it becomes the highlight of your day, whereas before it used to be the worst part of your day, it is the exact same thing- was spending time alone and what so funny about it is it's like it. So true

with such a perfect comparison, because when you first start spending time alone. You know your mind, won't know what to do with itself. You're gonna feel board. Allow you're going to feel under stimulated a lot you're gonna start having anxious. it's a lot more. You might start beating yourself up in a way. Unlike over analyzing yourself in all this negative shit right. But then, if you do it long enough and you push through the uncomfortable parts. You'll actually, to really love and appreciated, but you just have to do the dirty work. You have to push through the uncomfortable parts of it then you'll learn to really appreciate it and once learn to appreciate being by yourself, your friendships will be better you're. Really ships will be better. Everything will improve as a result and that's just

what I'm noticing right now, but for some reason I'm not really like in a place where I am finding a lot of balance some in a place where I'm like. I actually really need to be alone for like a month straight, and I don't know why that is. I think part of it is that I honestly this is so weird and I've never said this in my entire life, but for the first time in my life, like I'm genuinely just craving silence like him. Wheat silence. I've never felt like that before I've always loved. talking and constantly talking to people or you know, listening People talk on podcast, certain listening to music, or I always of in droid, noise, okay, but. recently like. I just want silence like I.

Want to just get in my car and drive to the grocery store with no music. Like that's what I want to do, and I want to go for a walk and listen to birds like I just want silence. I don't want anyone to call me on the phone I Don't want anybody to text me, I don't want to speak to anybody. That I know I just kind of want to be completely alone, And I dont know why that is, but I'm just kind of going to follow that got instinct, because if that's what I mean then that's what I need. Pardon me wonders. If that's a good thing you know like as much as independence is important. You know it definitely can be taken do far. Pardon me wonders you know. Am I taking too far leg. Is my desire to literally knots began to anybody for a month like toxic don't know, but for

whatever reason like it's what I need in so I'm just now. in a fight it, but to touch on the overarching topic of that ran, that probably didn't make sense per usual. You know. I don't even know what I say when I press record on my recorder at home. I, like Account- and I don't know what I'm saying I don't- I literally don't know what I'm saying until I was in back to it. If I decide to listen back to it, which I usually don't anymore actually because again, as I just said, I'm craving silence, so I dont want to fucking here my voice. That's the last thing I want to hear Natasha on the overarching topic, which is the question whether or not I deserve city and whether or not I'm a lonely piece of shit. The answer is: I want this right now, like I,

Want to be by myself, this is what I am craving and That's just what it is like it it's you know like. I'm, not lonely. like this is all my choice As you know them saying, I'm choosing to be by my I'm choosing to do these things by myself and I, sprinkling in you know mom of Quality time with people that I love, which I just choose to do privately, because I prefer to do that and in that's it and I think that the moral of the story is, you know, like if you're, really independent person or if you're, in a phase right now we're you're really craving alone time. Don't let outside noise of people saying oh well, that's so sad would that so pitiful. you're being by yourself right now. That's so bad

Then sad, you need friends, don't let people saying stuff like that make you feel your desire to spend time alone in some way wrong or fucked up or like bad, because it's not bad. You know it the only time it's bad as if it's not voluntary, you know what like. If you're really lonely any you need somebody and you need a support system and you don't have that. That's different like that's, that is, unfortunate in sad, and you know it like that, when people need to step in and like how bout and Therefore, you like absolutely, but if you voluntarily com If being alone or for a second in that's what you want to do

don't let anybody tell you that there is something wrong with that, because for whatever the fuck reason like people think that you know being independent is like a negative in any event it then it's like emo or something it's not fucking emo. Sometimes it's just necessary for growth or, for you know, recharging yourself and there's nothing wrong with that Oh, you can be alone without being lonely and it more than possible for one and four to its, usually a very healthy thing as long as there is still in I'm in a balance, so the moral of that how many times- and I get it- it's like a fucking section of moral of the story is that guy keeping like so the moral of That story is a case of the world. That story is listen. Bear with me. Ok, but the moral of that story is is there

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I woke up bright and early. One morning at like six in the morning. I went on mine. I saw that the Uk S door opened at eight and so I loved my package all the way to this, you p store got there, eight hundred and five they opened at eight. I got there at eight hundred and five and the door was locked and I was like fuck I am standing in the middle of the street re now and, I'm by myself and. I don't know if this place is closed, all day of maybe the employee, that's opening the store that day is lay like. I don't know, what's going on, so I decided I would wait there for a bed

and as I'm waiting, this random dude comes up, holding a package as well and he was like. Are you waiting for the p s, and I said yes. so, I tell this data like I don't where they are lagging. I've been waiting here for a few minutes nobody showing up, I'm really confused and he was like well it's. You know it's memorial day, but I I called their corporate office and they said that they would be open and, like this is so weird What should we do? Should we go walk to another place like to another you yes store. What do we do as well? means conversation another dude walks up with the package. And he's like you guys what's going on, but more like The stores not opening, link whatever like and then you know, ultimately, the three of us decided that we were going to call again we're going to call the corporate office again

see if this store location was opening today and. We're all standing there carrying these big boxes like uncomfortable, unlike whatever and we call the corporate off and their legal yeah they they should becoming like ploy opening the storage is running late. So sorry, you know me how the subway works, which are could have responded. Men like actually I generally dont, know how the subway works, but that's not the point and there basically like, you know he should be arriving any minute now to open The store just wait patiently, if you can and so we were like our aid, so. Me and these two strangers waited outside of this. P S store together for five minutes. Had a beautiful conversation

that we never would have had. Otherwise, if I would have been standing outside of that european store with a friend respectfully, I would have not spoken to those other people just because I would have, I default. I would have resorted to speaking to my friend who I was with, and I probably would have paid a lot less of mind to the strangers waiting with me. naturally in em. You know there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think, but that's just what would have happened. You know but because the three of us we're all by ourselves, we ended up having, really fun conversation and then more people kept showing up to the Uk S door after five minutes there, like. By the time that the store actually opened, there were ten people outside of this european store waiting for the stored open and we all ended up. Having a conversation, we are talking about the differences between

play and New York and like which, when we think is better- and you know having this whole conversation, and it was asked really fun in kind of wholesome, and it was really special to see how ten strain Yours could all find awaited converse with one another. In a moment of boredom. You know and like that something that was only really possible, because a feeling we were all by ourselves. You know I mean we all showed to this. You PS or by ourselves, were kind of innovation stay here and if or sis all the bond in a way that we would have otherwise and that something happens, a lot when you go out in Goin adventures by yourself, you end up having experiences with strangers, you wouldn't otherwise. You know it might. Even be a short conversation with the breeze done, a coffee shop or the cashier at the grocery store or some random person

you know sitting near you at a restaurant that also eating by themselves. Like you having these conversations in social interactions that you just one, otherwise and in obviously going out and exploring with friends, can be extremely fast going and exciting and fun, and even social to asserting certain like sometimes you and your friends might- and meet new people. Why you're out and about whatever, like that's possible, but it's not the same as one year by yourself and the other reason why I never feel low, Play when I'm exploring in doing things out, bob. I myself is because I always end up meeting people you know, and I always it's like the little cute short wholesome conversations that really fulfil me

Even sometimes more than being with my friends and not that you know being with friends, is bad at all. It can be really fun in its great, but There's something about meeting is stranger in talking to a stranger one on one, even if it's just for a few short moments. That's So weirdly fulfilling. you know I can't put a finger on it, but that's the the reason why you know going on it ventures by yourself is never really that lonely. If you open yourself up to having little cute converse with random people, you'll feel plenty social

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retailer near you, that's S. W H, e t scoop dot com. Another interesting development. That's happened to me recently because we have a lot of alone time again, Sir, inflicted alone time. I am inflating this on myself. God bless you ok,. I have actually developed a hobby that I genuinely think is going to stick and it Then, like a long time coming, but it's coming in hot right now I will explain the progression of how this happened. So basically, I recently came obsessed with this series on Youtube com. the Gore may makes Basically, a series where this pastry chef named Clare takes A common snack items such as a direct

chip or a kid cat bar or a milky way bar or emanates, or something like that. And basically tries to remake it by hand and make it gourmet So you know I started watching these innocently. A lot of people have watched this series on Youtube before it's gone viral. A lot of you watched it. I never watched it. I'd say we have few episodes. You know a few years back, but I had never been watched. The whole situation you know, but. That recently became my new leg, Youtube obsession. The obsession grew to like an unhealthy amount. I was spending all moments in bed watching this series on Youtube. I could not stop,

then, once I had watched all of them, I started watching them again. And then I went through, I went through properly for a third time and at this and have seen every single episode, probably three or four times and it was going to a point where those kind of excessive so. I started watching a different cooking videos, it started showing up in my explore page because the Youtube algorithm Quigley figured out There- Clearly, showing interest in cooking videos, more than even normal. I've always liked cooking videos, cooking shows, but never never watched them this intensely and the EU algorithms, like oh she's, going through a fake, is like this is a phase in it is strong and we need to fight it, so you know that you do homepage was giving me all the cooking videos I could ask for, and

I am not talking about cooking videos that are like reality Tv type cooking like I'm not talking about you know in shows that are more about the drama or, like you know what I'm saying like I, watching cooking videos that are like very instructional, unlike scientific, which is again something that I never really watched before, like videos talking the chemical reactions that occur when you mix certain baking ingredients or certain cooking ingredients You know watching technical videos on how to cut vegetables properly like I started getting into the nitty gritty like I'm, I'm you know see. It started with me watching this pastry chef Clare. Remake Amman, AMS Indigo Mammon aims, but it turned into me. watching instructional videos on a genuinely how to cook which have never really well

before because I've always watch stuff that was more for x, reinstall shafts- and it was always stuff that I was like- I don't really know what's going on here- I'm just enjoying watching it- cause, there's something satisfying about a bit like I do. I'm never can actually make this shit. You know I'm not actually even really learning much from the shit like I'm just kind of it. enjoying watching the process like. You know I used to love watching cooking competitions like that, doesn't teach you any. about cooking. That's about the drama. Ok, but no! I I have genuinely started getting into watching instructional, cooking videos and I obsessed with them and they were all I was watching. All I was watching. Silly to this day there, all that I'm watching present All I'm watching is instructional cooking videos and

first, you know I was just watching these for fun and I was like you know. These skills could come in handy down the line, but I'd probably will decide continued to eat multiple tabs Hamas per day he made homeless to be clear, just like boil pasta and input prepaid sauce on it. You know in like a b whip together like some sort of veggie situation. That's very low maintenance max like that, you know like that's. I didn't That was gonna happen. Next, what happened next, but with awe this. You know self inflicted free time. I was leg, What have I dig in the kitchen a little bit, you know I've been watching all of these instruction, Cooking videos just for fun How do I put leg some of this stuff to work. actually tried a cook like actual.

A strong level meals like not. Some bullshit, like not you, know me taking premium Soup, out of a can in putting mainly on top, like I'm talking about making shit from scratch. I'm talking about getting my hands dirty. it started by making muffins. That was the first thing I made in my cooking journey Vince turn out. Ok, I made strawberry muffins. They were ok, they weren't really sweet enough. The two sure was pretty good, the stronger his weren't really that flavour fall so that this kind of a bummer they were media. her, but I enjoyed the process. The next day I was like I'm going to make a fun roasted vegetable of some sort like that could be fun. You know like a funding of really tasty one

making vegetables actually taste really delicious can be kind of a challenge, and I was right for the challenge, so made some roasted broccoli with like this gorgeous teeny dress. homemade, almond, homemade and wow. It was so good. I used a new recipe and it was just gorgeous and then I was like would if I try to make some homemade sauces, because you know people tend to skimp on the sources and they tend to buy, store, bought sauces. But now that I'm on my shaft journey You know, I'm gonna make sauces from scratch, so I made this spicy green sauce with a bunch of french fresh herbs and again too he may cause. I love to Heeny, if you don't or to Heeny. As its blended upsets me, seeds, don't ask me how about tastes good, but it does. It's really good was like a bunch of free, herbs into Heeny and lime juice

in a hobby Nero and salt and garlic whatever was really delicious. I made that in then and just like putting that on everything, and then I was like Mama make pesto and they made pest. but it was kind of watery and not very good, knows him. Ok, I'll put this in the fridge not eat it. It's fine next morning I wake up and I was like. I need to turn this pesto into something I'm not turn into tomato sauce so I threw some cherry tomatoes in garlic into the oven, roasted that shit mixed it with my shitty pesto, blended it in the blender did my finger in it like my finger and it was delicious and I didn't follow arrested, I just one it as I'm gonna, add tomatoes in garlic to this in rows them and it turned out good, no measurements. No, nothing suddenly I had a surge of confidence. I think, I have a genuine passion for cooking,

What's funny about? Is that I've always liked cooking, but for the wrong reasons like I've, always, I'm cooking because I, like the result at the end like I like eating it. Basically, what I'm saying in the past have always liked eating what I cook and that's why you know let enjoyed the concept of cooking but when it came down to actually cooking the thing like putting their effort in that I've always hated because it takes patience. and I've never had a lot of patience for things that our time consuming by now that I have so much self inflicted. alone time I am We appreciate things that are kind of time consuming. how I have time to spend on these things, and so- I really want to teach myself how to cook like restaurant level stuff. You know today- I made a simple

appetizer salad, and I really wanted to make it spicy, like I wanted, do you know usually leg when you're eating a meal like the vegetable element or whatever is kind of the most boring part. It's just kind of there. You know I want to make this really good, so I made a salad. I did butter lettuce and I sliced up a fresh avocado perfectly green. Ok, because I learned from my instructional videos that I've been watching how to find and and then preserve the perfect avocado o. Anyway, I took butter lead is I did some off cod? Oh, I chopped up Some deal I chopped up some caperers. I made up homemade Sal addressing with lemon dijon mustard and was be in olive oil and lemon.

Did I say lemon twice, what First, salt blended that are the blender ported top of the salad. It looked like restaurant quality and, if you don't believe me, I will put a fucking photo of this stupid salad on the I cast twitter. So if you have a twitter, you can see the salad, the twitters aging podcast? I m. Somewhere with this, the more All of this section of the episode is that You have all of this free time. You can really put some tea I'll see into getting good at something and a big part of Good at something is doing research in that something that I've never had the pace for in the past, and that's the reason why a lot of the Hobbes that I start kind of fall through.

Oh you know, because I never of the energy to do the proper research, like with everything I tend to just want to be good at it. The day that I start and unfortunately, this early, how it works, but I, Naturally, you know started watching these cooking videos, and then you know that evolved into watching these structural, cooking videos. And then you know after spending, probably too hundred hours watching instructional cooking videos. I should do an idea as to what I was doing so that I can get in the kitchen and like did know my way around there, but without that alone time in that free time, Delay just server on the internet and see what peaks my interests like? I wouldn't have learned about how to cook, and I wouldn't have been inspired to start and

I'm so into it like I'm. I can't stop like, I gets oh excited to wake up in the morning to cook breakfast, and then you know start preparing other foods for the remainder of the day. My goal is to cook rest, front quality meals for myself for every meal, because why not that's the better? it of you know having time to yourself. I have time to cook restaurant car males for myself every meal, because I m not because I am by myself a lot. You know excited about it, like I'm, genuinely excited about it, which is so weird run through phases in its never stop, but for some reason it sticking re now, someone's gonna run with it, I'm so cited like I guess, I'm actually excited about like cooking stuff, the cooking.

so great, and I think the reason why so many people love it in like get obsessed with it is because you know it's not just like fun. The way you know in itself its e, obviously the act of cooking, his fun, but The other thing that is so great about it is that you get linkage tangible reward. Afterwards, like you cook something it's delicious now you get to eat it like that's a fucking and then also you know its impressive to cook things from scratch. And then share them with your family and friends like everybody's, always impressed when you cook something from scratch so we see, there's like clear room for beef, being rights here its overall just great but I wouldn't have taken the time. to learn about how to actually cook, unless I had decided that

now, everybody needed to leave me alone and that I was going to spend a lot of time by myself. Anyways I'm done. I need to go to bed, it's like eleven p, I am in recently been going about it like eight thirty pass my bed time, sorry that episode was kind of short not going lie. You know my episode getting deleted. There was supposed to be for this. Genuinely hurt me if it her me, but I hope that you and this episode for what it was, and I really appreciate you guys listening to this every single week, if you do or even just felicity To this absurd, if you want follow anything goes. You can do so in any plan from these dream. Podcast. If you want to leave review you can do so and Apple podcast. I read those

all the time and they make me extremely emotional you can also. Oh anything goes on twitter at Agee Podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for supporting me I appreciate you all and love. You are very, very much But they have an amazing rest of your weak, and I will see you next week with an so on time. Hopefully,. And please pray for me that it does not get deleted after two hours. I love you all talk soon.