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#311: Karamo: How To Actually Do Self-Love

2021-01-01

New Year’s Series Episode 3. We talk with Karamo about how to practice self-love--and why doing so is the opposite of selfish.

 

Karamo was the first out gay Black man on reality TV when he appeared on MTV’s The Real World: Philadelphia in 2004. But then he left TV and found out he was a father. He got custody of his son, adopted his son’s half-brother, and worked for a decade as a social worker before returning to the media world. He’s now the Culture expert on Netflix’s blockbuster reboot of Queer Eye. He also hosts his own podcast and is the author of a memoir as well as a children’s book, which he co-wrote with his son.

 

In today’s conversation, we talk about why, for Karamo, learning to love himself started with learning to love his first name; how he overcame negative messages inside his abusive childhood home; why men struggle so much with the concept of self-love; and the areas in his own life where he struggles the most to practice what he preaches. 

 

How to join the New Year’s Challenge:

Join the New Year's Challenge by downloading the Ten Percent Happier app: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install. You should be prompted to join the Challenge after registering your account.

 

If you've already downloaded the app, just open it up or visit this link to join: https://10percenthappier.app.link/NewYearsChallenge21

 

Where to find Karamo Brown online: 

Website: http://karamobook.com

 

Social Media:

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/Karamo

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/category/Personal-Blog/Karamo-Brown-Page-227323621184576/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karamo

·        YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Karamobrown

·        Podcast: https://luminary.link/PPiQNuwwicb

Full Show Notes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/karamo-311

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
From ABC. This is the ten percent happier podcast, I'm Dyin Harris. Everybody happy new year. We actually made it to twenty twenty one. This is episode three of our near series and it's a big one. We ve got Karamoh on the show before we get into that a little context on this series, as we finally turn the page on the shall we say unique challenge that was when twenty we at ten percent happier are endeavouring to bring you some useful counter? Programming against all of the tradition? all new year new, you noise, as you may have heard in the past, to episodes we'll be getting any pressure from us to make big transformative resolutions that you will then inevitably spend the next several months feeling guilty about not keeping. Instead, we are inviting you to explore a counter intuitive path to a better twenty twenty one and involves self love today,
and we ve got this new year series going on here on the podcast, and we ve also got a free new year's meditation challenge launching over in the ten percent happier ass. I am keenly aware that self love might sound to some of you. a little cliched or a little impossible. But trust me it is neither. It also not about becoming self obsessed or becoming so blest out that you turn passive self compassion. Just just another way of saying self love is real. Nuanced work, as you may have heard, in Wednesdays episode Chris firmer. Yet it also has remarkable and scientifically proven, benefits is a bit of a paradox. One of the best ways to make lasting change is to first except yourself. Today's guest is one of the most prominent proselytizing for self love. He somebody who knows what it is to struggle and a mess up and come out on you
side with self love, and he spent the last several years telling his story and helping other people directly as well. Grandma was the first out gay black man on reality, tv when he appeared on MTV the Real World Philadelphia back in two thousand for, but then he tv and found out. He was a dad. He got custody of his son, adopted his sons, half brother and work for a decade as a social worker before returning to the media world. He's now that culture expert on the block, Buster Netflix Reboot of Queer, I, which is a great show I hadn't, been watching it, but a lot of the young staffers at ten percent happier encouraged me to watch it and it's actually pretty amazing Koromo also hosts his own pod gas and is the author of a memoir as well as a children's book, which he co wrote with his son in law
conversation we talk about. Why? For Koromo learning to love himself started with learning to love his first name. We talk about overcoming negative messages inside his abusive childhood home, about whether so Love is selfish, why men seemed to struggle so much with the concept of self love and the areas in his own life, where he struggles the most to practise what he breaches. Not only are koromo- and I talking about self love in this episode, but is also going to join us as a guest expert in our new year's meditation challenge. As you may know, tempers percent happier is running a free twenty one day, meditation challenge inside the ten percent happier app. It starts on Monday January forth. In this challenge, our teachers will guide you through a series of meditations demonstrating the benefits of developing self love, self compassion, self acceptance, and also, crucially,
show you how to actually do this. You can join the challenge right now for free by downloading the ten percent happier apt to day wherever you get your apps or by visiting ten percent dot com. That's all one word spelled out: If you already have the app just open it up and follow the instructions. The challenge, as I mentioned, will kick, on Monday January. Fourth, let's diving now with Grandma Paramo. Thank you for coming up misguided to be here with you and thank you for all the work that you are doing in this space. Like you said that can be cheesy some. but is very necessary. I am fully in agreement and I want to say that I've been watching alone
do you wanna tv recently and enjoying it thoroughly is an incredible show and you do a great job they do. I appreciate that it's quite the blessing. You know you, you work in this. I've been in this industry now about six years, though back in the day, I do something right out of his an apple college. I dont really companies are the career because it's me twelve years of doing nothing to come back and you only dream of being able to beyond them, make an impact that people than a love and so on, dislike pinching myself every single morning, well that's gratitude and other potentially cheesy subject which may be will touch on today. I talk about this all the time on my show, which is that it's you know, out of cliches are annoying because there We share, but also their true
There is a real service and serve diving in and talk about it in a way that makes them accessible. So, let's talk about self love. Why is self love so important to you I'll just point out that in one of season five, you are wearing a t, shirt that says be kind to yourself. Why is this so important to you work for me, it really stem from the fact that being black day born immigrant parents living in Texas, you hear a lot of people think a lot of negative things to you consistently.
I don't remember a part of my childhood where I ever felt fully accepted or ever felt like people ever fully wanted me around. There was always spaces I walked into where either overtly people would tell me that whatever part of my identity was in that room they didn't like, or I would feel it as I walked into a new friends home and the parents would watch me as I played in the room or watch me as I went to the restroom as if something was going to be stolen or as if I walk into a room and someone inside that I'm gay, and then they start. You know asking me: what have you been to church for your parents? Not take you to church or little thing to. Let me know that they have a problem with me and when you live that type of existence, you start to find yourself really in a very down and oppressed state. Very often there is many times I would not like myself. I wish there was someone else.
giving up my name for the majority of my high school years in middle school. I didn't go by Koromo, because I was tired of people in a teacher, say: Cucama Coca, oh my god, and under the cacophony of laughter from the kid and then the teachers. Never even after school year still never being able to get my name right. You start to be like. Oh just call me taking commie cavy I've gotta, making up all these nickname. All of this is part of the journey. I had to go to the fine love of myself and it was so important for me to find that love, because once I found the love of every single piece of my identity once I found that self love of who I was and who are continuously was growing to be. As when I started,
more competent in when I started to be able to say to people hey, I know that you might be on your own journey of trying to understand all of my identity, which is fine for you. But you know you on your journey. It does not affect me loving myself on my journey that affect me being kind to myself, of back me from still knowing that I deserve a happy in that light, just as you deserve it well, and so that myself love is such an important think me, because it's something I didn't have at first, that I have to truly work to get that takes a lot of courage, what you're, describing and just to go deeper on that. I understand that lack of acceptance was there in your own home, with your dad, who was, if I've got it right, quite abusive you're, my father was physically abused or to my mother he wasn't physically abused to me of the child, but
He was mostly abusive, but there was both conscious and unconscious emotional and mental abuse. That was happening at my home, and I say this because I think people need to understand that when people are in your home, especially How do we get older? We don't realize how we could be hurrying. Another person that innovation, so yes, everything that my father was consciously Santini, but there was even think that he would be doing that he didn't realize. For instance, my father is of Jamaica. Descent. He's also asked the ferryman ratifies are very beautiful people very time people, but my father had his own demons. He was struggling with as he was starting his journey to become a raft of area. One of those journey that he couldn't reconcile its relationship with his religion with its relationship with this and that battle within have caused him to do unconscious things like damned thing to music. That was particularly homophobic. I mean there are the song out.
two in the ninety that people have heard about from an artist named Bush about on who is still denounced, the song and apologize the lyrics were literally boom, bye, bye and about the Whitehead embody. Why is the pathway or jamaican dialect and backed by means of a sexual and though was boom boom, which issue shoot a gay men and the head, and this was put under it? tat she beat endemic in the caribbean people worldwide. Some Americans would be the effect of this about my father was in this household and thing cautiously negative things to me. He was also putting this online have found the gathering and having family members. Why did Phil accepted a la by dancing to the song because they did not understand that it was holding, and so I have the kind of get to the place of being able to help him understand. These are your conscience,
most no behaviors- and these are your unconscious of the most of the aid that are busy and you need to be aware. Them forever have a chance to grow, and so it was harm because you're getting it from all directions, cautiously and unconsciously, and that will continuously chip away at your self esteem in yourself allowed. But I have to continuously fine the ability to look at that Mary and practised a good thing for myself the go myself a thing back up and find out what we took me just where I wanted to go, because I think a lot People will have the question: how do I do this? We have acknowledged at a can sound a little savvy, although it is really really important- and you have made that case very well- but how to actually operational eyes. This advice, no fully with that, because I have both question and also I used. The eight will be brought about. yourself has been growing up because it always sounded like a very light, slowly
in the air of being like you had really touched, you note there. You know, and I had a problem with it As I got older, I realise that self esteem is nothing but the words we practise saying to herself, and you know I shall, as most people were listening right now to think about when you wake up in the morning and you're getting ready for work, the minute we sevenfold Amira or we start getting dressed. The first thing we are doing is being like does it get any more? Look at my hair? Doesn't look good, my nose, I want you, make these clear indications to yours open a mirror, the things you don't like it. and what you doing in there moments all you're doing it. The pact to say the opposite of self love, your Pakistan, the opposite of a healthy self esteem. Your practising saying, negative things yourself, as I realise immediately that in the morning time all I had to do with our practicing saying one positive thing about myself:
in that manner, and it sounds so again like y know whatever, and but it works. As I walk into the room- and I would say I want to say something negative about myself, I would immediately stop it. They occupied something on your body or find something on your page or find something about who you are that you could stay as possible and upon this start up with early on a need to feel. Like I, like my brow, I mean that sound crazy, but I'd look in the mirror be like about cute today like sitting, and it was just a love for me to hold onto jumbled up back- is that you know what a k tomorrow. I can find something else and know what would happen in their day where I would get negative narratives negative comments being thrown at me from the outside world every time that would happen, I believe. Well, you know what you might have said that I believe my about acute and I would say that the myself and I'd be practising a sort of a barrier to the negative thing,
but come out and is only because I had established in the morning time what it was I loved about myself that day and every day he got stronger. I added one more thing. Add one more thing until the point where I found myself just being able to say you know what I don't care, what you say, because I love I love me. I still find myself one is improving, but now I don't let that improvement. Shackle me, adolescents, improvement. Bring me down. I package daily thing. The things I love about myself, knowing that, even as I'm I'd have to change grow in ways that I want to not because other people want me to. I just love myself, there's a lot of great stuff in arid sensitive, emphasise a bunch of it, and then I have a question. You can have a desire to work on yourself that doesn't come from aggression, but in fact comes from a faction movable, and there is evidence here a few days ago,
posted in episode from a psychologist named Chris, firmer he's gonna, leading experts in what's known as self compassion, and he talked a lot about replacing. the negative dialogue sort of counter programming against their habitual negative dialogue, you have a more positive dialogue, however, that does lead me to a question for you, his you're quite a bit younger than I am, but there used to be an essential character played by the now. I guess it was calm, controversial. Some some people believe he's disgraced. Although there has been pushed back against that Senator from Minnesota Al Franklin, Democrat, he used to be a comedian and he would play a character, ons ass, an l who would look himself in the mirror. I think as they must. words Molly any, would look I'm self in the mirror and say he said thing like you're, good you're, something in God Gun at people. Like you So how do you do this?
looking in the mirror and saying in finding something positive and affirming that about yourself, how do you protect that from becoming just sort of can being conceded? George itself, puffer IE or you know, sort of empty praise? I think one thing for me: is it about? I remind myself and I'm keeping them compassion up and on keeping the eagle doubt, given the compassion up, keeping the ego doubt that's part of like my daily reminder to the couple thing that I remind myself daily. You know when the duties of a smartphone is that you can set remind Israel.
and I would not want to go on a day like meditate. Now you know find hyper yourself. You know, love yourself. Right now do little thing and I have one of them is saying: keep it a passionate eagle down? What's that is a reminder to me. That's what I'm doing right now is the act of being compassionate myself. I'm loving myself in a way that not to harm anyone else, because I now have this ego or this grand osity. It's about me trying to say I'm gonna, hardly I'm gonna give myself a little bit of a hug right now, but it's not about me say I'd better than someone else, because I'm now fallen in love with my eyebrows. I've fallen in love with whatever I think
The key is remembering this is just for you to feel protected at your faith. If your love, if not for you, then repeat the behavior, you experience and start to make, someone else will back to keep the compassionate eagle down, and I think when you can say that you yourself, it's a quick little reminder of the I'm in the mirror right now, but this is for me to help me and not to start to want to hurt anyone else. I, like that compassion up compassion to myself up ego down this, isn't about building myself up at somebody else's expanse, it's about. As we said before, counteracting some of the negative storylines that we're either telling ourselves or other people are telling us I've many many times, perhaps to the point of being annoying that self love can come off his cheesy. Do you think that
something about man in our culture that really blocks us from embracing this approach. The outward block of society, the bs inside it That's the problem with it I mean we literally live in a society where we are not allowed to be holistic. You know when men are fully authentic and are there whole sales all said It's like no! No, no! No! No! I still uncomfortable with you. You know showing emotions. I it makes you somehow less of a man and we hear this narrative being pushed to us as boys. from earlier. I know one of the things I love about my shop, where I bet we breakdown that and let men see immediately that their vulnerability is their shrank. Their vulnerability is sexy. You know. I have a story that I pull before, that it just some and was the first
I'm really realise how how horrible our society groomsmen when it comes to sharing what they're going to we all know, as children Oh baby cried with it the little girl a little boy. You want them, you support them. You help them and then somewhere as the children get older, we say: ok, girls! You can still continue on this journey to be smart, strong and Bonneville boy. You can be smart and strong, but you can't be vulnerable I was I was on the football team and I was running gonna field and I hope my leg later found out that and I remember my coat screaming at me. Brown get up when it off Brown get up, and, unlike his eye proud you better, not Rome. I feel brow get up these dislike screaming in and I'm sitting there like in pay a fourteen year old child. At this point,
a fourteen year old child, and instead of letting me know that what I'm feeling is. Ok, I need a he'll like us to get you off in all the field. It was I get up one at all. You got this. You can do this any sort of approbation this negative. You know this counter vulnerable way of life. Oh yeah, I'm being supportive cause, I'm telling you can run it off, but instead of like what I actually need in a moment what someone say: it's ok to let these tears bought on right. I share destroy because at the same moment, the girl sexy, also practice at the same time they are running around and this young girl of reporting, maybe fifteen was running around the hurdles and she had a hurdle and she had scraped her knee and she fell down and if not a comparison of pain, is she herself that same colt ran over to her and was holding her and the like? Are you ok help pick her up? You know what
track coach. All the other girls on the team were all around them and Anthony honesty. Do like you dirty son of a bitch. You know like, like the Europe we are like literally find out to our later. It broke it and You want to her rescue, but you don't run to my rescue and I think, that's part of what we do as a culture, the young man we tell them again, you can be smart, you can be sure of own ability. Is out the door and we start to then take those habit up as we get older you know? We start to be like you started, pitied narrative push on television and movie, you know like. Oh, he cried too much
must be wrong with have got you know, you know what that guy. You want the guy that stoic and quiet and not going to share the committee. No be seen not heard, and that does such harm to a man ability to discuss what he's going through so that he can find self love by competent work, we're out without the guys. I can't tell you how many of them day I dont like myself when in a private conversation me it's a big costly, are like. I have so much self esteem issues they like I ate my body. I hate my hair. I everything- and I might have you told you by this measure I get on body that you look at even telling you that
and it is goes to show that we are been shut all and we need to open up the back up because doing serve it because we're better men will better Father will better brother when we are able to show up in there. You know what I can be shown its mark for you right now, but I like, and we all know what we re hardy plus one to all of that. We ve just to talk about the sort of stereotypical male blocks when it comes to self love or self compassion. Herself acceptance. I think there's and again these are gross generalization, solemn, that I think the stereotypical female issue I've heard with this is that it somehow would be selfish or self indulgent to practise self love. Have you heard this beef and and what do you say when you hear it, that is self indulgent part about love? Yes selfish, you know like I, I should be focusing on
my kids, I should be focusing on other people we need. I dont want to focus on myself yeah. I think that it's a horrible way to think. I think that part of this is part of the way out Daddy had grown vessel like you should always be doing something. You know you should always be costly moving in acting and if you're not there's something wrong with me. You know again, I think a lot of this could be changed. You know like if we could is really figure out how to live with that, educational system can, I think, about the things that we were able to do it first grade and kindergarten third grade were able, like you, had creativity, tat. You had time where you took nap, where you could accept quiet and enormous, and you got to your middle school in high school, enable by government go go go. Why are you not more activities where you live here and he started to build a sort of guilt alike? Why am I not doing enough and their guilt wooden?
if you feel like ok. Well, I don't have time for me because I should be doing more father. I should be doing more altogether, and I think that we need to really look at that and say: why are we grooming a generation to feel that they cancelled out? Like they can't take a breath like they can't take a moment of books, man, this is for me in my opinion, why so many people find themselves careers or relationship that didn't want to be because, instead of slowing down and day, what is this really make me happy? It is
LEO K is if it is really what I want to. I feel I feel alive in this moment. This beating my soul, we just still light or Canada keep going through other, can keep going off, I'm already in it that gonna keep going on, and I think that such an unhealthy wait a little and then I think, there's something else that we do in the moment where we look at other people and we see what they're doing and that stop us from doing what we need to do for our selves and I say to people all the time. Comparison with the joy comparison is a thief of joy, because when you start to compare yourself to what other people doing you still your own joyously self love, and I look at you know when, at the parent myself, I used to look at other paths, be like how are they getting through work? Cooking, dig here, but you know homework activity because I used to come home and I set my car before a walk in the house. He got out my kid with homework to do through and I d like I do not like a walk in there.
we, I always did walkin ever. They found the courage it myself, but it was tired out. I can't walk him. I can't do it and how do they came from me? Comparing myself to other people in thing, look at what they are doing it, I'm not doing it. You compare yourself what other people doing what they had. Their relations are going, it makes you feel like you need to do more or you're not doing it again. Both those things are going fact yourself with tee and the way your loving yourself and loving the capabilities that you as for me, I saw myself on a day, I'm not remove myself from comparing some might up to other people like in love. What I have. I can love what I'm doing and know that again. If I need to get better than why doesn't mean I have to take away from the love I have myself and also How do you communicate that to your kids? If I call on dad needs time for himself and it's okay for me to express this and then take the time, I've heard that you said that actually getting kids hammered home to you. The importance of
of love and self care o my god yeah. You know when you have children. have you married your behavior, you you, don't you figured you do something good and it also need be. They pick up your behave in your life. You know I never for me. I used to be very quick temperate, like very quick tempered, and I remember the first summit My kid snap at someone similar to me obliged not an arm at hearing this mark another and oh no, no, no, you come back and he was I that's it. You do not like you know. As hell, you started see what other people, but an alternative that self love it and like compassion for yourself, I started to see that he would be himself up because he wasn't doing enough it. What inspired my children's book? I'm probably designs because-
my son came home one day with I wish I was somebody else and as a parent, you never want to hear that, and I would like oh what is going on here and he was I I don't think I'm a good enough. I dont think that I'm smart enough. I dont think that I'm doing enough because look at my plan will get what their lives are. and I gave him the mantra- you are perfectly design your mind- do that you are and that what we wrote the book at and it was something that it reflected in here, like what am I putting out, and what am I broke, my? What am I doing to myself and then what am I putting out? That would make my son wanna come on this day. I wish I was somewhat and there was a tub reflection, but I'm glad for much more. My conversation with Karami right after this everyone like shopping online,
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ash and self acceptance, and then also, of course, shown you had a operational as this in your life. Here's how to challenge works. Your goal will be to meditate at least teen out of twenty one days each day, you'll get a short video from me on most of the days I'll, be accompanied by one of four very special experts, including corrupt. And after the video you'll get a related meditation, which is about ten minutes long. These practices of self compassion, combined with the regular practice that comes with the challenge, will we hope, help develop the resilience that is so critical when it comes to making sustained and healthy change. Are you new to the spot cast a quick plug If you are for meditation, if you haven't done it before meditation, gives you the keys to understanding yourself, your thought patterns, your unexamined assumptions and the stories you tell yourself about who you are, and this kind of understood
it's is critical when you're learning how to motivate yourself without using shame witches. We think a really good idea at this time of year wooden. So many of us are making resolutions if you ve, never meditated before no sweat. The challenge is specifically designed to teach you how to do it. You ve also invite friends of family to join you in the challenge, she'll be notified when your friends meditate inducing keep each other accountable. Hopefully, kindly so join the challenge. Right now by downloading ten percent happier the app for free wherever you get your apps or you can visit ten percent dot com. That's all one words doubt if you already have the app open it up and follow the instructions, the challenge Monday January fourth art, let's get back to my conversation now with Koromo, I'm curious: what's your growth edge now, what's the hardest place for you too love yourself, even as you proselytize on behalf of self love,
I would tell you it probably is based and intentions and action and where those two things meat we live in a council culture. What Annabelle, even I believe, instead of a council culture, we should be looking at it how to culture once that, if we tell people to go away you're wrong, we should bring them in and try to educate them, and so as someone who's on the public eye and who try desperately to help and do things. I find myself in these positions were especially when I reach out to people who have asked to do me. Oh, I have heard some part of the community that identify where and when I try to support them out, talk with them and try to change the culture from within you get at tat and then, when you get TAT were trying to do good, it does affect yourselves even find yourself feeling really depressed and down, because you know your intention and you know what your actions are, but those are not an lining up with what
the outside world thief or what the outside world things you should do and when you are in the public eye, you hear you're horrible person for trying to work with people who are different and hopes and creating change. I think that the part now in my life, where I'm trying to find a balance of venture to myself, respecting what other people feel understanding. Why did feel that way? What still remembering my intention and knowing why? Ok, that's my not pay off in the immediate future, but like when you change policy when you change tended works later and that sort of helped me to rebuild my self love around the thing that I'm doing in hopes for others that I make them Then it doesn't mean if, if people are saying on Twitter, they are horrible person for doing what you're doing you may have a few. Now seconds where you believe them yeah a lot more than a few nanotech and a lot more, and I think that's why we, where I am now, I'm a big believe without with my platform and with the fact that I have
different identities or beautified entities. Are you know that a different other people? I don't have the liberty to just walk away from spaces. They don't want me, and it is my belief that I have to go into those cases. I have to talk to people who don T the beauty and who I am. If I asked you because I doubt then what about the person behind who doesn't have the competence? We don't have a black one that I have if I don't walk in his room and try to change something changed from heart, shaped the mine, change from policy, then what happens to them and that you were my motive always but hard when you get capital immediately, though, that affect let up has been pretty much the most right now, when you're feeling criticized or cancelled
you're blacking confidence are their practices or people that are really helpful for you, you're the boss practice is to not to do it. I normally used to do which was self destruct in some way when I was younger, was drugged now, like water, people drink fourteen bears out publicly because it uses drown yourself, it might even be healthy behavior. But now it's really about like it's about what I do now and this is actually speaking from recently I write down The criticism so because I want to honour the criticism I received. I wanna respected because I believe that you, after the apathetic, when listening to others, seek and really understand what their day
and what their hearing and then I write down equally on the other side sort of like what did I do in this moment to actually make real change based on the credit as a sort of dislike aligning alike. Ok, my criticism is dead and this is what you're doing and that's what I did do those things align and when I do that, what it does is it helped me to evaluate my intention and action and that helped me to start to build up my self esteem again, like ok, you're, not a bad person. You actually doing some good because the criticism is aligned with the direct action. You ve already done to make things better, and then I talk to people. You know the pilot vulnerability and I have a small tried that have around me. I have a little slogan understand your love me look, allow really that's that's the tea. to know that I'm not feeling that I'm not going that good and even though the strong one a lot of time, I need you
you like let me alone louder. I need you to tell me that I'm ok, that things will work out that I you know, and I think it important, because you have that that try that you can trust on top of the self. What you're doing to remind yourself of like all what you have those two combined really. Can this give you that little bit of fuel, you need to get to the next day, and then you recharge gonna get to the next day, and you keep going will yet again brought me exactly where I wanted to go in turn it up questions, because we ve spent much of this conversation Talkin about self love as an internal thing, but you did you just now talk about it as a sort of interpersonal. You brought in the interpersonal asp and it reminded me of a slogan. I've heard from you service to others. I believe you ve said, is a kind of service to yourself. Can you unpack that you don't want?
I see someone who didn't have always denied something that was affecting their self love or self esteem and unable to use whatever I have to counter that and to give them back what they deserved, or you know, get them into a space and seeing the joy on face it just immediately fills me with joy. I mean, I believe you know, there's no such thing as emotional contagion, and I don't think we talk about that enough of, like you really do pass on your emotions. people- and we all know it and the sort of hokey sense of like oh some of energy is that right? You know we hear people saying that, but when you really talk about the sense of the actual, what it is emotional contagion, you start to understand that you're, happy smile, you're, happy who were directly affects them, went up and happy move that the reason why, if I started laughing right
after about a minute after a minute, you're gonna, do you read me like everything reason why you're in a room where everyone's quiet and after a while, you start to feel the emotion you start to cry. I think when you can be of service to someone else, and you see the joy on their faces, you see their mood change. You inadvertently will change your own mood and you will start to feel their self love start to rebuild your own self love, because you're now, on the same page, until I do believe in the interpersonal community faith of building up yourself birthday. I mean that statement I said about. I need your love me a little louder. Does it is applied a meeting at other people. I encourage other people say to me because when people say that it's that active please, the service, the meat by now, because I need you its inability to ask for help in a new way than they I need help is clear away. I think I'm in love right now I actually love right now.
Need love through different supported avenue, and I know you can provide that four and so yeah, it's important and again there's evidence, being of service can remind you of what s great about yourself it to it. It's rewarding in the brain as well. There's just a lot here at a really is points to something very, very deep, which is that the line between ourselves and the world is blurry and poorest. So let me stay with the New year's we're heading into a new year. This is the time of year when people kind of make these resolutions are going to change something about myself, I'm maybe I'm going to reinvent myself whatever it is, and I just wonder what your thoughts are around self love as it pertains to New year's Eve and New year's resolutions no you said at the beginning. I really am not a fan of resolution and I think that sometimes this whole change myself can become very self destructive. I believe that, two percent. I do believe we all have the ability to grow,
to learn more and through group and learning more do compassion to ourselves. You inadvertently do find yourself becoming a better version of yourself, quote quote, but I dont like this whole thing of like I'm, going to change this resolution for me to change, because then you start, you did this place of like Haiti, who you are now You on that journey to where you want to be. You know, like fitness ass for me, get on my nerves, about I've become like you're telling them under hate. body there might now and the body I mean right now. I got a farmer with it, because it's here it's where I am because I mean that's what I'm going to always be, but I have to fall in love with it now and apply.
She, where I am now I'm on a journey of growth in change. I can appreciate every body along that grow instead of getting down on myself and thing like. Oh, do you know what the body I have now I'd hate, because if you hate this body, your head, the body you haven't two weeks as well and even a hate, the body you had in four, which was well and you really gonna hate your body. If you take a break from doing the work that you have set out to do- and I think you know used by adding this element of lakes of hate and guilt think that come with when you can't love where your act now, and so I don't make resolutions. You know I make item of business at all. What I do, as I say things like, and this new year, I'm going to try myself more, I'm gonna become more compassionate myself. You know, I think, a lot of those by the thing, but I don't make resolutions and I dont put a marker on goals that it because I think, or setting
a beautiful thing that you can do it any time of year when you prepare, when you make proper choices, when you know that you can ask for help resolutions, I don't have the clarity of goal, and so you end up finding herself not following through you end of binding yourself not doing what it takes on asking for help, I would recommend people make more. Emotional goals for the new year versus coming yourself. Then I hate random now, and I try to change it and twelve, but you don't owe me MIKE what everything they know not to be labour this, but I tell people this: is your journey decided how you want walk it at the pace you want, like. Don't feel that pressure like twelve month, things have to change, and if I get to that twelve month mark and I haven't,
but I'm a failure they re doing is. Have you yourself up we're not loving who you are and not love your journey, be more compassion with herself behind it yourself and love yourself, a little more as you on their journey and things will work out. grandma! I love yon queer! I love have you on the show. Thank you. Thank you, my friend, big bear. Your big thanks to Koromo essentially is really fun to meet him. You enjoy this conversation. You can hear much more from Koromo as a guest in our new year's station challenge: that's our free! Twenty one day, meditation challenge in the ten percent happier app. It starts money January forth and if you're a few days late, that's totally fine, there's still time you can sign up late and slide right into it. It's all good, join the challenge. Right now for free by downloading the ten percent happier app wherever you get your apps or by visiting ten percent dot com. That's ten percent! All one words
I doubt if you already have the apt just open it up, follow the instructions to join the note of reference year. Our next episode is gonna drop on Wednesday, with doktor lorry Santos, whose from Yale and is also the host of the great pot cast the hat. his lab. She was on the show our show just a few weeks ago, but you so good. We invited her back because we wanted her to talk about the science behind why so many of us get new year's resolution so badly wrong and what we can do to get better at it spoiler alert. She has seen the data and she too is now a proponent for self compassion, so will be talking about that. She just a just a thought of practical wisdom, so that but up on Wednesday, no episode on Monday, like we normally do we're gonna. Do this one today with grandma and then Wednesday Doktor Lorry Santos, big thanks as always to the tea who worked so hard to make. This show a reality. Samuel Johns is our senior producer. Dj Kashmir is our producer. Jewels Dodson is our eighteen.
Are sound designers met point of ultraviolet Audio Maria work, as our production coordinator, an enormous amount of insight and input from our Tpa colleagues, such as joint point Make Toby been Reuben ITALY's Levin and, of course, as always, big. Thank you my ABC News to use comrades rang Kessler, unjust, coherent policy on Wednesday for a fresh episode? Life is full of possibilities. You just need to know what a look now streaming on Disney plus is the movie critics recalling peak Pixar Disney. I'm Pixar saw visually glorious and a joy to behold. People magazine says it's the best movie or do you remember to enjoy every Pixar saw repeated parental guidance suggested now streaming on Disney, plus
Transcript generated on 2021-01-01.