Some classic Valentines bits from Andy and John, and some Satirist For Hire from Aldershot and Dublin
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The Bugle Audio newspaper. A visual world was and welcomes fifty nine so that we are having a week of fishing effort to stop global news from happening and the goals are not all of them and the death of the universities of me billion years away. So what's the point? Instead, we have a sub episode for you containing some classic Udall Valentine's day, facts from the bugle fact archives palm tree of historical veracity, plus some choice from my region suffered for high shows in Dublin on the eleventh, and way back in the icy bleakness of January
Well, there was already gives you, since you are one of the two people to actually send in in in advance and number of topics you sent for the second time in a row up in out of the UK for a few days before your show, the western or colombo stuff, about my travel out. You ve satirizes, this hotel breakfasts. Without the idea. When I started this shows people could have the other big political issues of the world will eventually deeply satirizes, so hotel of you ve been away three nights with workable holiday or out of the hotel. They upset you doubt our breakfast
bonkers, never right or wrong you. What? What just a single standardized global breakfast isn't enough uncertainty in this world? Why must we have the division over whether we should have bacon and eggs or pancakes or whatever the Belgians? Swiss without losing what is mostly gravel with dust concepts of delayed guilt. Zuri, yes! Well, this is it. This is the perfect breakfast is a living metaphor The pitfalls of unbridled capitalism, so every time you go to approve a breakfast, you all living out the dangers of a lot.
Give regulation of the global financial markets are remember that that could I am not of trophies most I have noticed. I have no proof. I discipline. In the number of times I've been sitting there looking at my feet, sausage and these three on eating slices of black. My play nothing. Now we really need to do something more to control the unregulated banking sector, because I'm nothing humans have no self discipline. Agile and wishing you summit, I think fundamentally, the way we ve left the financial markets as unregulated as a breakfast before to me, that's like it was a short sighted, a man
the new laboratories and training that Labrador to nothing but sausages and scotch eggs and then taking that level with him on a nudist holiday. At some point of is going to come back to bite us family show. So. But let me also say a word about health implications of this run: bridles breakfast consumerism, amenities, bacon and pickled fish, dice, Dice Sort Zeiss in Iceland, yell maker, the Scandinavians they do Gopher takeover bid, pickled fish, which are only using
By way of apology for the Vikings, it only shows is not enough to do like other non travel thoughts, Jose yours for social media bodies, not using social media, while guess as the old saying, don't shit in your own lunchbox and then what about s? It's not just Social what do you think Roma Mcdonald, actually the shit and is our restaurants, but we as his own private chef, runner, Mcdonald, customize monthly, occasionally case with cheese and egg from thought, maybe deepened page with Motorola scenario phone. Basically, anything like we smashed interface leopards, never change this boss and clowns, never change their trousers
That's a horrific fact of life in the circus, but also on people always live up to what they claim to represent Pope's, for example, not all hopes of fully lived out the teachings of of Jesus Christ and in particular going way back in history. I mean I'm not the amount paid, a drama gangster against Catholics: hey I'm lacks jewish, as a sites, as are indeed all Catholics in a way. I think us, I think,
I'm so tolerant as a guy, because of you all Christians and Muslims as lapsed Jews. Like me, so some of the most of you write that down, but the day of the year, the Pope puts some amazing, I'm terribly if you component worst ever Pope's list. If someone Madame some incredible things, a Pope John, the twelve, really leading the way, but other Alex Alexander, the sixth. He had competitive fornicating competitions, which are on sky sports, Vatican of its own Boniface, the eight for slaughter at an entire town of six thousand people, which is not the most. Poppy behaviour Benedict feel the night he sold off the papacy Philip happens. Kind of Also renowned. Does the eleventh Century gayest Pope, which was a surprisingly hotly contested
So I also more of a fat of the massive orgy than some of the more sexually Jimmu punks without receipts bodies or an Pope rabbi mutual snacks gibbets commits very bad papoose abundant nineteen. Seventy nine, due to a clerical era, set down immediately after walking on sir into that's gonna, Miss first,
appearing on the balcony, some Peters within Inflatable, Moses shouting. So you loses a finally come to your senses, but John, the twelve I'm worst ever Pope be took about social media Bay, leaves social media leaders being hypocrites dollar, twelve ordained deacon in a stable here. Ok, it's not that far away from giving birth in a major is Donald Trump. Before Christmas he said the other. The nativity story shows we know. What's what's important life value of family and love, now Donald a lesson from an antipathy story: it's what happens if you
crippling Lee under Fund public healthcare people give birth in walking form this good tokenism over didn't come out right, John, the twelve he well may slept with assistance. He stole money and possessions in the church. He drank toasts to the devil. He castrated. A cardinal who used to invoke pagan gods was playing dice, able quite keen as a hobby, maybe an mutilating his opponents. Oh, if you will his proponents and they ended up being beaten to death with a hammer by jealous husband whose work- Pope John was in the process of poker doping and amongst pokes a manner at one assumes that, as he was hammered to death by this, the last thought the went through his head was yeah, did kind of had this coming out till she was
three colonel Gaddafi's, my password on average on aggregate, I reckon I'm still ahead- gonna relax enjoying the best of it. You might Pope sixteen in strange on the twelfth I guess if you couldn't off your old enough, but it is a reason having a sixty year old Pope but didn't really work out and Yemen. Somebody got some real stinging criticism from some of the contemporary monk commentators, and but this service is one manuscript from a monk at the time of the famous, but most prominent monk pundits from the paper that I programme Alan Serious said at the end of the Pope, John, the twelve rain he'll be disappointed with that when you're Pope, you ve, simply go do better.
little short just run through a couple of one's own emailed. In shortly before the start of the show. Susie Va Emilio hello says he thinks this weapon. I too, am I right. Are you married into his eyes? No, your business are correct, but I think I don't really have fixed views on whether in the twenty first century, women should take their husbands, names or vice versa, body,
Do it at least learn how to put out for some kind of dangerous middle ground near the place, authorize the facts, that's trumps from statement that he hopes quotes all shocked. Die of has led to a flood of donations in his name to conservation charities that he's just wonderful with a smiling emerges. Etymology, what emerges is emerging singular, but absolute by monopoly is again. Everything with Trump is twisted against him all the OECD hope all shocks die, but that's just real is minutes. That is just a minute. Is a christian man hoping that we do discover an immortal shark who turns out to be the real Messiah, so he hopes because he wants the clinging to the idea of a human Messiah. No one was a shock saviour and what kind of standards of behind
He would that sets out the just an animal's, its consumes everything in its path, with no regard for the welfare actually less trumps. Ideal Messiah right, Neil there's: U Colonial, the second of the two email scented before seven. Thirty today glad you coming back to the west. The best our centre in the world in the world are checked, is no. sorry, how did how'd you were outhouse a judge to do it. I could use it goes out, just Chechnya official rankings, it's not your top! Is the Montevideo theatrical earlier days, artists, community, Toto change rather in Uruguay, followed by the entire city of do by what you said.
Living arts, installation of the folly of humanity and the western centuries. Third is not that cover puts up in the world. You get the. Obviously you get the absolute cream of comedy that goes like got mulatto to overpriced piece of shit. She's coming at the two leaving here too, in order to see comedy tomorrow, I would she summoned company is no absolute shit, not funny at all. the chuckled, Roger Federal versus Raphael. Madame about how these
you guys are really great, but I just hit these little yellow balls at each other. I don't know if it's not matter comedies like funny cause. It's not funny. Conniston, obliged me office for that and is very repetitious as well, sending overall Stuart Lethal frankly, but slapstick winnable winds of uneven out again, but overall bullshit and those of support at sitting in the highchair use the best going. Listen said something of course. Of course, Nonsense federal Nidal, have played a welter finals in London. Since twenty eleven, when it we don't, you feel rocky scientists now that that was older shot well. I hope buglers that you had a truly sensational Valentine's day last week and fell in love with as many people as humanly possible now it's time for some Valentine's day. Facts as brought you in the past I asked ass. I welcome two February,
This is certainly first Fabri broadcast of May two thousand and nine calendar year. If every coercion they knew a month of the twelve current first choice months been used at moments: roman King Numa pompous invention February, on its close by January when you realise that the Romans were wasting the first fifteen days earlier, sitting around doing sweet, you Mamma crankshaft, widened the martian again, of course, being last month we discovered John Factory. Has it might do we? very last few remaining scrap days left over after the elements have had their fellow plus twelve days given to it by September, which until then plug Jenna, big fat, distended. Forty to date, more than a thousand years memory was roundly tee. The other month and sell some Valentine, the patron saint of Hackneyed, jacket, minds and clumsy parties posted until anonymously to a non. He fancied on the tenth of February one year, arriving by second class post photos
I got a hungry called him. You're in South Valentine tumbled out of his cardboard and bubble rat package onto the man's floor and recited these lines. Roses are red, violates a blue, I'm a writer in bed now, but you ought to get so before the non smashed him over the head with a bronze virgin Mary Drowsy she'd, when the previous day as Miss chased for fifty three idee valentine something of law, mumbled out my breaking your habits, Sheikh quantum again, a Babel sister, sizzle, more like Djibouti them in the head with ourselves, not more than three thousand
and he whispered. I love you so much unfolded to bits now with what your Wimbledon show me at which point G bodies loud and screaming. I marry falling your vice and valentine died instantly, but happily, of course, and excite within commemorated by Valentine's day which, along with families relaunch as the end of winter month, thrust it into the mainstream asthma, whereas remind ever since its been month of IRAN forging occasions most recently in nineteen, thirty five there, but a background on February. Twenty that that was from the mind of and these father of two thirty four thirty four John and to strike court. How saying tat I am to their responsibilities, the owners of probability of father. It's a couple of weeks ago, I bought a new shirt for our comedians Tuesday. Football go beyond its bright, pink and its accorded to the person who does the worst Miss over the day, so what'd some big letters to go in the back spelling out the word loser on the thirty four year old Father to Oxford graduates waited all gone wrong. Anyway, we really
The second from me, the first John Sixty years since the end of wartime clouds. Rationing in Britain is further site. Your neither you nor I how fully exhausted you, wouldn't that's a very rational levels, Valentine's day arms- and I owe you Valentine's day on Sunday. Fourteen February, has been marked by a very controversial story: hedge ominous yet again told brick a paw, very simplistic and richer approach scolding Somerset as bans pupils. From sending valentines cards to each other to say, If the quotes emotion, trauma a thing rejects I think it's a very bad move and because it is important, children at the earliest possible age, have thy heart tremble to the ground and their souls crash
building on this estimate for the real world are about to enter died. They need to learn how to deal with rejection because region John John to me is the pavements in the book, the noise of life warehouse hit. It lacks depth and texture. I think as we about dealing with rejection ever since the empire. That's it it's over Britain. I've had enough, and Britain replied. Could change. Just give me the jobs of promising export you again, I'm grateful bridge the best balance, thank God I ever had and using a all around. Nine years old, and there was a girl who gave me card which wasn't so much affection, or is it just it had at ten? Point breakdown. Why do you not like me and those ten ten point argument which pretty advance for non to it. My only was once we, I just don't see the point of view. Yet I don't even know yet appointed, but I just don't get the points. Where is she now? I don't know about that.
I should call you remember an item not said what you listening. I didn't. I didn't. I tell you I would like to know, and if the first girl I ever loved, was out five years I'll, give Sarah Constable and laughter. Could you had blue glasses? Are member and very shiny black sandal shoes? Ok, I thought both those things were very cool. Shallow burst. The head of my time in terms of how pizzelle was personally, I do not a big fan Valentine's day, but even I wouldn't take as far as Saudi Arabia who, on Thursday laws a nationwide crackdown of stores selling. items that are either read or heart. She height any other? Why allude to Valentine's day, which is there? officially binding red calibre. Harsher gardens are legal, apparently other tons of years as very important. They become completely contraband of Saudi Arabia. Boy.
No. They never cease to surprise. Just how intolerable I don't like it if you will die either but easy, I think this, in my rejection, a learning to accept rejection is is, is very important, John and yeah I've learned deal with rejection uncle rejected their number times over a genuine apply for a job to be a substitute for potato processing international magazine back in ninety ninety seven I wouldn't be good enough for a moment how much out differently my love could turn up turned out forgot that job. Colleagues. It is viewed with best potato processing. Raw all tie. I firmly believe that purchase think burn out you about a move, sidewise work on it, just a publication, potato storage international that was launched in two thousand and four plainly guy, please tell me that risk this through these costs are going places, job Maybe there ought to be looking at one of the publishing houses on the title, such as Asia, Pacific Baker for European bike who knows
but what I would argue credible too many times, and they don't believe these exist to. What could be the Randal first of business to business trade magazine specializing in the food industry instead The self showbiz monks Martha rejections, John Offer today were free because the communist or magic for December, two thousand and eight was rejected. Pretty volubly unanimously. Plot requests adjoining the cricketing rejected for the cost of plant must go to launch a nuclear weapons programme rejected property than ask him to teach in China and that by half a Kent and demand for state immunity from prosecution. In return for information, my who kill the Queen mother rejected Francesca. All I'm saying, kids learn to live with. Annihilation, Valentine's day fact, box Nobody is a key plank. What Valentine's day is all about survival time after him named. But he so far, but
Nobody knows he was or whether he was from or even exactly when he lived always known. optimism is almost certainly dead by now, probably the victim of a martyrdom related crime and that when he was alive, he love, writing rhyming, couplets inside folded over bits of cod and eating pink food. The traditional anonymity Valentine's day is why the perpetrators of the Valentine's day massacre were able to keep the opportunities a secret. If the mask what happened? and the other day the year legally, that of active, fresh water, many famous romances spoken to life on Valentine's day. poultry screen sex are in saw stress, Marilyn, Monroe, wooed ice player, off the Miller, with a Valentine's day card containing a for acts, pray about asylum, witchcraft trials preface with the poem if it was six the ninety two I put my which you spell on you met a lighter claim. The work is out and called it. The crucible Queen Victoria, Prince Albert got together what he organized to twenty one cannon salute to our Morse code, spelling out the words I quite a you. Ve set my future.
Carter buzzing don't be put off just because I'm the first cousin Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They hooked up on Valentine's day, two thousand and two when they were both stood up by blind dates. Jugglers comedy clubbing Birmingham, how, incidentally, that boats without my previous partners, exactly one year before he left his then girlfriend the former secretary of State, Madeleine Albright after she received a cab, He felt might have been from Yasser Arafat, whilst jelly dont, her bow. Nineteen. Seventeen on wealth, Snicker Champion Terry Griffiths after he insisted on practicing his break off. I'm going out for romantic dinner. famously disastrously, mythological greek king? Eighty percent is Mummy got together on Valentine's day, She sent him a junkie Valentine's day, Carter's advice, maternal gesture. In case you get any the girls at school. just a little bit too Google Valentine's day tips, including how best to broach the subjects we.
guaranteeing the level of anonymity that guarantees your intended love will remain completely unaware, while the best way, What right? Your local radio station is unusually down deliver bulletin and was the first letter, Each word when written out spells out junkets has hit platinum, selling love I'm bright star. Would I was there fast thou art alternative. We get best friend, on whom you know your valentine has a long standing crushed to write the God for you, obviously in their own handwriting and sign it with our own name that why you would be love will have no idea that it is actually from you and also never delivered the valentines message. Gunfight Burke: do satirist behind and we're gonna pop across the irish sea. Truly wonderful city of Dublin, so tips asking I you also asked about? Not Nigel for a hush, These proposals are then, should rejoined the Commonwealth.
Who is in favour of that the old Bodies Club. I think sport is the closest we ever get to apologizing for some of the what might be described as per Se general glitches of our imperial age, uncritical sorry, what what? What cricket AIDS? Yes and that some, whether the famously no that's the closest to weave Avogadro, never fully apologized! Here we I mean I'd I'd, think the queen used the word regrettable about some of the more excessively enthusiastic british actions. If I may have got my subscription to the british euphemism society
a regrettable roadway will regrettable who, which means that state and we have actually regretted them yet, but we know that there is the potential to regret. That is a step forward. Baby steps, baby steps the closest whether that is letting other countries beat us its ports sports that we invented cricket, imitate Bangalore. Twenty eleven The irish Auden cricket team beats beating and cricketing yeah yeah, led by the Bye Kevin O Brien who had died, is hair pink for the occasion was that we were beaten in the cricket, much able on an embargo with care but truly felt by the end of english civilization, absolute lowest point, but until we could have one that game, we wish we had you guys on the rat. But now we thought of the blue, what a picture of conciliation between our nations we let you winds are that's it on sport is
our joy, that's what sport is all about, joint about bringing happiness to people and we brought happiness to irish people. That day, we brought happiness to billions of Indians, Australia very good at it, ready anyway on sports, no, nor the growing suggestion that Dublin should be split into institute he's the gaelic football do due to their dominance. Is this? Who are you? U? Funds are of mechanical. And hurling the secrecy. Origin is born, fastened by origin is boss and millions of your local. Your are responsible. believing that began the CIA invention Mono. This is America to see. I invented trembling in the nineteen sixties as a torture technique, but is very liberated time. The sixties know trying to mean give no trying for inverse. Torture will make people so
relaxed and happy, so I just spluttered less secrets, but I didn't are there water boarding, which, conversely sounds fun, but he's not. The Meda number things are sound, from now on, for example, I'm chairman mouths little red book sounds like a delightful bedtime story for a child. Any parents out there
do not use this as a bedtime story for child political power grows out of the barrel of a gun, while cupcakes of the origin of of trembling the origin of em we'll hurling. While this goes back a long way did you any of you know the urgent gonna change or the urgent, more dangerous version of war, more dangerous works and what is not actually is actually came after some Patrick her chased the snakes are of Ireland. He thought what next it all I'm going to hit the head. Programme of Ireland as well. Patrick you don't mind hedgehogs well in that case, will focus on capital. The pigeons and despite what it was really just the snakes Patrick. But let me do my job and let us discuss that
borders, as in the Atlantic who said company, can be educational, gaelic football. That goes back to legendary irish king. My pronounces wrong grower forever, dumb graphics, he defeated the Vikings at the battle of struggle by chopping off the head. A Viking leader Erik the shit kicking it first over and then into the open mouth of a dragon. So says it is Dublin very dominant in the interval, yes, and I mean what what what what do you think so we need to be done about it to make it more, I mean maybe just try selling all the clubs to russian oil billionaires dodgy oil
magnates from the Gulf of area, because that that's what sports really about you know, that's when we think of all those bangladeshi slave labour is in the EU. Are you gonna be watching, manages to city thinking? Yes, that is mighty. That is marked by all those I'll work is in Siberia when Abram of export shells eating at last. I have something to work for EU funds are first of all to soccer sorrowful. Yes, because I like all sports generally, but I get annoyed by plays fighting injury in informed. I guess I'm pretty isn't happening hurling to replace me known to be decapitated enquire, how they had in one hand and in football, at Berkeley. Without a lunch, mothers was only from rugby bringing ebbing in video risotto. That's gonna work because, fundamentally plays often you have applied, diving and being fouled simultaneously. So huge
waste of money. I think, rather than the video arrests and for what you just get a pagan priest to stand by the side of the pitch and whenever there is a controversial decision, I turned to the priest and the priest, slaves. A goat slices opens its got, ripped it open and looks at the entrance of his dead, goats and says yeah. That was site, and I think we need respect not just as much as long as you do with confidence and as long as there's consistency. That's what the funds, one Ryan, Kenneth him! You thanks for this run odp satirizes, how everyone thinks that kid is a genius. Well, when I know my kids geniuses out, not it's not the same! For me.
But I have noticed travelling around Ireland. There are quite a lot of statues of the ultimate mother who thought that kid was so special Joe could have gone in a number of different. As I said, on jewish so that jokes, fine, anyway and you also ask I teach architecture or I Christopher Wren flushing- about right now I could really do use a few palms any chance of an architectural upon well
Germany's always Ariston is not as the very last thing of a gig, but I had a friend who was How there was no to be revised to be able to speak will now be there. The confusing the surf, and it was not exactly one on a war that don't collective degaulle the ceremony in the? U S recent I'm gonna vital my favorites form of democratic President's Jimmy Bill by Iraq, and I said what do you think the american people voted for Trump and he's a simple they gothic gothic. Yet they showed me. sexual style, so strap in a sort of thing, there's an oversimplification might anyway, we started discussing, which is stark figures. Utopia that like to invite to his dream, fantasy world ceremony, he said gang is calm, our innovation growth, even the terrible, an agenda, the Hum gosh, I replied is a brutal list.
We also need it wasn't an architect you, several business selling, decorative fossils and french water. He called it. The rock o koyo anyway Oh you, Sir closer at his house is phone, went off my dog back their will of Bows House House pass this. I'm gonna take this it is about equal rights, had not exactly it's. My colleague dog who lives of my animal film, obsessed Ex wife over the pond in the big apple. So I know it's not a political. Its New York classical doesn't work neoclassical new. we spent a long time in America with his celebrity friends. You tell me at once, gone to a party with Simon, a Gulf and limiting the latter. Indeed, conversation with nineteen. Eighty eight olympic hundred metre champion Florence Griffith Joiner. While I said I'd know, I had no idea
new flow. We were right to just Two more so. My friend user obsessed with the old testimony designed an arc fourteen stories high, is our different decks for different groups of of creatures to minimize the risk of predation. Explain up at the apex partisan decade rather chop scavengers index see, for example, poultry on deck h, and so, where we put the snakes- and he said I hate those three bastards one- the matter way right at the bottom on deck in it now, there's no deck. I guess like that one when it so than on deck in awe deco.
Now the dismount, when you I also have to work on a farm for between business owners are good, but he had this almost supernatural intuition, with a went to bring in dry grass before the weather turned and historic pissing it down. You know me: In writing. I sense right. That's it Well that includes this week. Free bonus shall be will be able to have enjoyed it. Dont forget to come to all of the romanian tolls on my satirist for harsh, I am sending your emails to satirizes etc to hard outcome. The remaining shows are the nineteenth of February in category that is alarmingly soon or already in the past, the betting on when you listen to this deadly twenty six of every new Kosovo, twenty seven in Chile and the third of March in Cambridge, finishing on the fourth of March
Bristol, also I'm doing a charity fund. Raising gig on the first of March in Britain in London in aid of refugees generally could do with a little bit of help. I will tweet details of that. a future, and my show at Melbourne. International comedy festival in April is now on sale. Details on the internet. I will also be doing, shows in Sydney Open and Wellington and don't forget the radio Toby alive tour of the EAST coast of the USA begins only seven. of my do come along to see a bugle stroke, illusionist mash up featuring me and my sister Johnston. Next week we will have the best bits of You will live show up unless this, where Theatre in London featuring next Kumar and Added- right up until then buglers Goodbye,