We're not sure why we cut these bits from last week's show, there's some proper gold here, from Andy, Alice and Mark Steel.
Plus: some classic Bugle with Andy and John Oliver.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Here comes producer Chris. This is him in
three don't mention this genuine. The three dimensional entity Chris most of you probably used to seeing him in zero dimensions. This is what it looks like any sitting down at a special produce, a desk and would produce of this young man is. He just has to look at something to produce. It sees like king, my
yes, but with broadcast able audio files instead of gold, which is
good news for everyone, apart from perhaps the global economy Chris, for those of you audio, watching the recording of the show at home, he's sitting at his little miniature desk now getting
to produce something cool
if the knuckles there to show this crowd who's boss, and
will everyone now just waiting for that moments when
for a visual world, hello, buglers and welcome to Bugle Sub episode. Four thousand and fifty seven a is for Aardvark.
Andy Zaltzman, I don't vote.
Play. Various circumstances conspired to prevent the recording of
Fairlawn new slab of raw bugle this week, which was a shame because the
There's been churning out some ripe old nonsense as
to be it's habit these days. So instead for your deli
patient. We have more from the bugle live, show in London on the 18th of January plus.
they delve into the bugle archives for some classic world
Economic Forum, action from Davos, two thousand and nine classic doubles. That was
lovely, to know that the rich and powerful of the global economy are still going strong. After all these years, you simply have to
my their stamina and stick ability, but to start with we're going back
considerably less far in time to last week's live bugle with
Fraser, muck, steel and
global Armageddon NEWS now and the world
this within minutes of nuclear war in
to an erroneous text. Message sent
Hawaii uh, I'm sure you've all seen this story Hawaii. How
but they actually, someone accidentally sent this alert message.
ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii, so you can media shelter. This is not a drill. Now.
It turned out that the last sentence of that was true. It was not a drill, it was the gulf. It was going to be very, very different thing. Uhm
basically, this was an. It took eighteen minutes to send out an email saying no
was wrong and then thirty minutes to send another text in which time
entire islands of Hawaii actually shot themselves understand,
the the cold war, condensed into eighteen minutes to be fair and yeah? I know exactly how that feels, because I once ended and a text message to a date. I just had a date with about the data just had with him that I thought I was sending to a friend all right, okay,
seek immediate shelter
a drill stop drop and roll
did not real to me this, and I don't know why people for this
so there is no emoji on it. Surely if it was real in twenty eighteen, that is going to have a scared face, emoji or maybe even
equanimity in the face of oblivion, emoji all in it wanted motors for other put
this is an emergency system. Work pushed the wrong button during.
and over over shift, which does raise
what are the other buttons other than
missile alert along snooze but adjust chair, check, height order pizza, and maybe
park volcano eruption, which we she Hawaii a up its sleeve just in case all those dumb
all right now, when the the, if you're in Hautbois, every time you get any takes, even if it just says, enjoy the sunshine, you think all across the bridge the wrong button again- and this really is the nuclear, but the the people it affected most was, of course, professional
golfers, and when someone please, please think of the professional golfers
There was a major golf tournament on Hawaii at the time and a lot of golfers thought they were about to meet their maker as the weapon
approached other than the heroic Patton kids who,
I mean because I have not made up. I know that it sounds like a kind of lame that I'm,
It made up he's in real goal for the six foot. Five inch Alabama Alabama man,
What do you call someone from Alabama
Damian if Alabamians
flight sixty eight of the twenty sixteen open championships, of course he's not the kind of guy that routinely worries about the end of the world, but
but after this this hoax well, this is going to bogus threats. He said I'm glad to be alive, hashtag perspective, and do you know what happened next? He won the king
He won the tournament. His golf shots with his golf clubs on the golf course into the Gulf holes and golf his way to Gulf victory now
now. One can only assume it now packing. His eye is a massive fan of false nuclear alarms and then he will barely be able to function as a human being or a gulf of without that now, if just before the masters in April,
there's a sudden, unexpected alert about an incoming nuke heading towards or Gusta look now
other than Patton Kizzire. He will be trying to cheat that tournament uhm,
Or generally, when people get perspective, they stop playing Golf
he's a well there's some other reactions. Jump Peterson only rank six hundred and seventy nine in the world. So his opinion is what's worth less than ten percent of the fifty four front: Patton KIDS,
he tweeted. He was under mattresses in the bathtub, with his wife, Baby Adams in low
now that is.
King, big bathtub. That leads me to believe that golf is a paid too much money. No one should be able to afford a bathtub that can fit their in laws in it and did he say
That was going to save him. Did he try to the in laws you climb on top you'll? Take the blast you with the mattress I'm open in ten minutes, the radiation we cleared up and go back and finish the seventh hole,
I'm up and also Charles Howell, the third he said I didn't know what to do on this woman. That shows the flip side of being
pro golfer. He committed two hundred and seventy odd three on withdrawing backspin to within eighteen inches of the pin, whilst factoring in the wind. The speed of the greens, the Ambien
temperature. What kind of mood physics in with the
goodness me calibrated muscle memory honed over decades, but he cannot perform a basic nucla
safety drill. What kind of life is that
I think they look just carried on if the blast had gone off and then it just in the caddy would have better calculate the radio that you gonna need to send this a bit to the Lee
you don't mean hope so, wouldn't you then you have a test match, would carry on in the event of a new 'cause. They can add the extra half hour on the end of playful.
Response to this alert families, panics people sought fragile, Shen, shelter and told their loved one loved ones. They love them and twitter went mental proving in a true double blind test that even when ballistic missiles are coming to explode, you in everything you know modern.
and we'll still be tweeting about it, which I think is good
at musician, D'Arcy, Hanneman, tweeted, I'm currently in Hawaii. So forty five minutes ago, I thought I was going to die by ballistic missile, and now I'm making pancakes life is. Why
allergies, thing that in Australia in australian conditions, that in a nuclear blast, this board swing more
the real lack of sideways movement.
actually winter firms up of the pitch real good, though so you get sweet, bounces,
You know there will be in the that. That is what some people be thinking
and by some people you mean Andy. Well, let me think if I was suddenly thought I had eighteen minutes or less to live, I mean what would you do with I mean I would probably watch go on Youtube and watch the
well, actually in both rooms, one hundred and nineteen old Trafford in nineteen, ninety one and maybe think about my kids for a couple.
Workers, but noise kids are older. All could get into God might make
What's the last eighteen minutes of the Edgbaston man,
Oh man bonding over sport.
What would you do if you were feeling it instantaneous missile death?
how do you put your last ten minutes all for nuclear Armageddon? So long as I mean in my head, nuclear Armageddon involves a sort of a fashion forward. Mad max meets music, video, aesthetic and lots of people.
really cool and survivalist, but importantly having all of their faces and skin on
I reckon I'll be fine in nuclear Armageddon Outlook, basic carpentry skills in childbearing hips I'll be fine, but it's gotta happen soon in the next five years. Also, as my dad keeps telling me, I have neither of those two
but you know I do
it's almost self, but what people will always need?
every winter that follows such thing, that people always need cricket statisticians, one of the core jobs save the world.
it's windy places in London for the nuclear bunker, so we've got cooks and probably send a priest down there when they, but
who's going to remember Jimmy Anderson
overall career average or is average during his average playing county
Well, it could be dissolve time. Full fans of feeding children, sugary drinks.
Theresa, may money, Prime Minister, to rest a soul
if it is ever found Caesar we
she's considering a UK wide ban on the solid side of high energy drinks to on the on the sixteenth, I mean ornament about your kids to be home sixty, but you can,
I'll give young children bear to calm them down and now
well, given energy drinks to put those up. So how are we supposed to control our children with?
resorting to actual parenting, which none of us wants to risk in this day and age, and also, if you give me enough sugar, I mean
history shows they can clean up to ten chimneys or morning so
a waitress has become the first Uk Supermarket to ban sales of energy drinks to under 16's amid concerns about high level of
so in caffeine and their impact on children's health and behavior? I mean
We call them enerji drinks and probably so do you, but the guardian calls them so called Enerji drinks like Trump dissing, a judge
according to main, mainly all scientific sources. The consumption of energy drinks is a huge contribution to sugar intake, which is linked to the development of obesity in various types of cancer, as well as type two diabetes, and
rushing out children's teeth. I mean what is the will
coming to Andy with this nanny state business. If she
and cannot be trusted to resist advertising deliberately targeted their vulnerable half formed minds and control their own sugar intake who can be trusted
less than in any state where rewriting history didn't Mary Poppins. The first night now need to rise from the primordial soup over three point five billion years ago, sing that song about twenty
he spends of sugar in a liquefied form helps the glee, Canora and touring go down.
The israeli are difficult, sorry
it's actually go Corona Lactone
Sorry, I will deal you'll, kids, my kids, all eleven and nine. Now, just us all of what is your worst name on the each and you come in, the supermarket is just everywhere if the and then you get to the checkout on this just piles of short clips with someone's upside
If your dad doesn't buy you at least four bars, you were adopted and things will be a giant life sized shot
but Boone or something that says not just hopefully we're just everywhere, and then they keep showing the supermarkets they've done. One of them
comma, which one they ceo question about. They said we all trying to cut down the amount of sugar in our drinks.
But how can you Troy and not manage? Are they can't stop addicted to pouring sugar in drinks? So it's no wonder everyone's a big fat pig is it,
Spell self restraint right. You gotta, learn self restraint as a child. I, as a twin when my twin
you guys will like your twins in the womb
can the hills now in nearly thirty, so I'm good
there's always health care is just the latest is always more processed meat, always getting it now latest government advice as eating Assalam,
bagel, is tantamount to going over the top of the battle of passchendaele
wearing a luminous codpiece. So well, that's what you eat! People
It should be
also also in the bed. Well, we look at the fake news awards that were announced today, devastating news for the Bugle Chris Donald Donald,
It's fake news awards not even a nomination. What kind of fresh
although I'm not sure if we would be pleased to get get a bulshit award from Trump, I mean yeah. I guess it's a bit like being just an ordinary painter decorator. Getting given a price for best ceiling by Michelangelo, you think there could be
is my game and we look at the new bitcoin after the Bitcoin crash, who owns Bitcoin here yeah I mean who
Do you want that for
what we're looking at the new in the band this week in off on on section of the new Crypto suit currency, gerber
which is based on how
can you sound when you say listenable syllable them,
so tulips? Will I make a comeback of famous speculative bubble in the 17th century? Holland? We ask, do
need! U lives back to bring some sanity through the economic marketplace. That's not what the
mostly for the new issue, but but what you do with the big points Chris can,
right in my car I want to. I want to get some so in closing, is it not
uh, just even more bullsh, it's than bulshit itself.
How how does Bitcoin work and uh?
and they do they work they don't so basically holding them to
North Korea, you're holding through Support N Korea. Ok, well, that's good who,
Actually, it's is it not
basically a homoeopathic finance. Essentially you gotta believe in it becomes true. Yes, I don't
so at least with the tulip you could smear it in your face and make yourself smell floral. So anyway,
things in depth, gotta rigorous, journalistic investigation,
economics. Today this
What are threats
computers are going to run a lot slower? What do you think about that? With the meltdown inspector? You did say there might be something about computers.
oh yeah. No, that's that's been held off till next week because I have wrong with I was hacked
but then they should.
slower, there's no need a competent people to solve people pressure cup at home,
my computer so slow. Now it's running so slow. It took me two one, slash two seconds to get a list of the entire population of Bangladesh could take her back patient.
Oslo slow. Is it.
ten, fifty one with us
What do you do? What, though, today.
To do normal, whatever you normally doing? Maybe ten percent slow ten percent slower?
Are you listening? Syria? We've all got problems for some of us, don't police on about it all the time when I
the guy? Would you choose to see an old episode of Blue Peter Odd Hall Freemen, but it took ten percent longer than I expected the well at all. It was a bloody Syria and they'd body flung it across on a paid, a local submitted to writing, and I put that Troy who's into
but mostly it's just people, angry angry. Isn't it. I just realize that there
a single collection of words. I don't think on twitter that you could put on there that wouldn't make someone you could put.
I'm enjoying a lovely sunset across Dorset and someone ago, not so lovely. If you suffer from sunset allergic dogs ate syndrome, I have a
thought for sad sufferers in future. Please you can pass all of the people off somewhere.
So I'm in some of the faithful, a sort of the level of the song we'll have done that at some gay.
question all right at back
So Chris Chris is a natural athlete
triathlon his way across is not going to swim across the sodas that Chris I've
Okay, people come on come on.
Dimbleby got to do some quick. I know the man at the back in the blue had all the just come across to cause come on. Please, to get I mean come on.
Right. Please keep your hand up
hark back to Bugle episode, sixty nine there's the first chance lost the new guess which isn't?
requests who this is,
yes, his roof. Would you draw a massive on and why so this this moment, but to a newly episode in probably two thousand and nine think in which we covered a story about a boy who drew a fifty me to pay this on
his parents roof and they lived in this massive great part in the countryside.
you find out about it for months so uhm. I can't remember what we I mean. I remember doing something about it being uh the court from the Eaton Roof Game that happened. There was various scoring things like the shafting and what
but but it's pretty it now isn't. It is funny you can't say it's not funny to draw yeah 'cause, all about can't
This is a day of an l g. If you got what on star each as you shop with the Alac was it that would be, but income takes on a roof or if, if I even homes came on the telly one morning and just drew a massive,
That would be funny wouldn't absolutely or the queen for a Christmas start like this, don't context everything I know Alice whose roof would you paint?
I enormous get a get more historical and just start putting on heels again
see if I can lower some sort of cult following yeah, so what this country, great yeah
we have the son of a joint way before we join the EU. I'm
join a U Brussels. One last point: massive cultural nails anymore. I guess get all country black, we hello, my name whose would you do that
who's who's penis. What a game show that would be today behind the celebrity screen to spin spin off of nude with niche
yeah. I can do enjoy bonding too, as the pitch markings that
original for the old british sort of the roof game.
which originally on the roof of the Eating College Chapel in the 16th century. There we go. That's a fact. One of the teams was known as the Bell ends because they played from the end where the bell of the chapel was
and the other team was known as that's it. One team defends the naj end. They did after the two. Several semi circular shape switch, look like an ecclesiastical naj, which is a two headed sceptre used by
go chaplains in medieval times, and that's it.
Known as the matches
scripts in our lab empowering out the satire for nearly a decade on this show
the roof guy.
One would hope so should be in the Olympics should instead of dress.
now. It's now more equal opportunity. You have to also draw giant vaginas on things
or, more importantly, just hide wells in places
the lube up the edges, see who falls in
Just one bit of science news research
in Japan. If it is a train with a speaker that barks like a dog and so
suck it there in order to prevent
elections on the rental, which is
awesome story. For me, this is a great piece of technology, a barking train there having slight teething troubles in which the barking dog train
Let's talk postman then urinated on a have posted on,
level Crossing when it tried to hump a tram
this is grace is just once it did hurt it kind of scared animals away from the truck to the to get because animal animal versus trying to generate pretty one sided contest much more one sided in bird versus
playing. We get the old droll at least,
and also that in Singapore they're using wrobel swarms to
the quality of its reservoirs drinking water. There you go,
think about robots flamingos. Are we next Alice? I can see the fear in your eyes. I am also robots once graceful animal, this one well, we know how this movie ends ends up with joint one hundred meter, high robots ones, flopping down the
each of New York, packing police helicopters,
now the sky. Before shifting on the statue of liberty, I want no part of this bullshit. You know the only person is allowed to be murdered by robots. One is the queen
to bring down the monarchy.
She also owns the former England Spin Bowler Graeme Swann,
Cibola her in the next three hours a week? That's a
what we need to she's brilliant at planes.
as a result. I'm are you going to get a bonus? Okay, the because the going to the parties to a school of five hundred ninety thousand pound bonus. Yet many didn't suck. That's quite judge. People said all they weren't looking ahead, but he was because he changed the rules, because there was a rule that you wouldn't get the bonus. If the company went bankrupt right, I,
They change that about six months ago, so they're more astute. No, it's not fair to say that they're, not a forward looking company. That's that understands finance. They clearly do, but just
think of the emotional pain, he'll think. Every time we spend some of that five hundred and ninety thousand I'd hate to be in his position and
It's available, it's good to remember, saying: there's all these severe warnings. We couldn't just take any notes about the persevere profile. Don't know how these things work but severe, but we couldn't just take notice of that. She said so what
you think can always listen to the shipping forecast, and it said others are severe warning rotten, Cromartie thing or take it canoe out there
but we can't we can't just take notice of every severe warning Willis. Well I mean you can't you can't take notice,
so we're profit warning 'cause, that's showing weakness and I can sense it a mile off. It's like a drop of blood in a shark tank and then you've gotta gotta, run in a zigzag.
Oh right, yeah she climb a tree or hit it hit in the face with a stick. I got rainbow.
I also comes just announced, a new scheme for junior doctors to take that patients how
with them at weekend, so we can get the full twenty five eight thousand three hundred and sixty six NHS that we all need to give us a bit of wiggle room problem. Isn't junior doctors,
the doctors in tonight? Ok have a nice day price, the rest
I had welcome,
No you which are you journey home fans, not
you don't have journey home tattoo. I had I
with an hs dot, get visible Jeremy Hunter to get an extra half an hour off a year.
I am but says
And of course you need Bob Junior doctors often have a lot of debt after years and years of training,
out of them early in their careers, deliver their parents are going to start the awkward situations mum. Is it ok? If I bring someone home this weekend
I will give it someone new darling. No, his name is Reginald. He is ninety eight he has Alzheimer's and a colostomy bag.
very molten, those are both happy Dave. I would tell if all the time I'm sure he's ready. I wonder if the show from one of the things that they could have a complaining what night and the last couple of weeks about the number of people. So I can update this is an old us down here from another wonder if that might be in it. I should have it
king meets his next to him, but you have to people in it pay an hour. Otherwise you get tough that you get as well, and you know if you go to a color, but then you wake up two weeks.
Any provision for any money and then you'll, be clamped gonna, be big sticker on you. So I do not remember and then the other these people just low and then thanks for free there's also you can it's free hold to monetize the ill,
I mean that's. What's up with treated mice, Troy didn't she with that brilliant thing. At the start of the election campaign, when she said well, marvelous marvelous way to start an election campaign. If you've got dimension, will have your
Obviously I'll talk tomorrow, she will say, and furthermore, to raise more funds for the NH were going to charge dimensions. Sufferers twice in the knowledge, they've gotten their paper.
Another live bugle on the 22nd of February. At the Leicester Square Theatre so do come along to that and don't forget also to come too
Absolutely every single one of my UK and Ireland tour shows coming up.
Aberdeen on Monday, the 29th of January then
close Glasgow and Liverpool, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, and course
on Saturday, the third of February, the following week. It's
Lester Loughborough, then my first gigs in Ireland, since I thought
before Roger Federer won his first grand slam, tennis title at school away, the tenth
Dublin on the 11th and Belfast on the 12th, and
all shows they're off the full details and he's also DOT Co. Dot Uk also attention Australia. I will be returning to this year's Melbourne. International comedy festival for two weeks
from the tenth of April and they'll be like bugles as well and hopefully more.
Sometimes it takes elsewhere, as well more details to follow soon. It's a
next time. Now everyone calm down, don't get so
So I did please honestly: it's like children with a birthday cake be patient. Davos.
two thousand and nine
Bugle sixty two with me and a priest,
The world economic forum has started in Davos as well, usually a chance for finance leaders to sit around and chat whilst rolling around in piles of gold and cackling, but not this year.
And the number of bankers have list
did not to attend, prompting british Chancellor Alistair Darling
a lot of going as well and by the way for american listeners
It's also really is called Alistair Darling. I know that hearing it for the first time can be difficult to believe you get used to it, but it never stops being ridiculous. Well, of course, every year the greater good of world economics gather in the swiss result of devils do patterns on the back and tell
and how lucky we are that they invented money before going down a bobsled run on more solid gold, Losan blowing cigar smoking, chalet girls faces, but this year they've been wiping themselves on the back Tronic Lee the Birdshit off their jacket, which has been deposited by the chickens, have come home to roost on their show.
It seems only that no one really wants to face the reality of the meltdown. The we are currently facing the word melt
Tony is never a positive thing to hear unless, in connection with a sandwich, when until kind of sandwich
I don't like a cheese and tuna melt down right choosing to not sit on holy cow.
Yeah? I know that was that was that that's a bad do all cheese and bacon met meltdown, Dobby, noise, cheese, cheese and tomato meltdown. Would you mail June A with a well known male to within an inch or let it roll with some with Selby? And so it
financial experts, are starting to sound like a cross between a weather forecaster, just before a huge tornado hits it's it sold
windows, shot stand by you, radio and stop all can goods and a crazy
man shouting at traffic bankers, seems spectacular.
Unable or unwilling to learn from their mistakes. It was announced this week. The Wall Street got about eighteen billion in bonuses over the last year. The sixth biggest amount ever wow, I'm, but I have goal symbols, but I have goal titanium bolts, bulls, but I cannot afford I, which we have bought for them
Fat John Thain, the Ex head of Meryl Lynch in the man who spent one point: twenty two million dollars in corporate funds to decorate his office, including a thirty five thousand dollars commode on legs and the man who paid out four billion dollars of public bailout money in employee bonuses said: if you don't pay your best people, you will do,
Troy your franchise. What are you talking about you massive more on you spectacular piece of shoot. Your company failed and is this kind of balls that beast
you are so you're talking devils. So far as being of exactly how totally shattered the world is, and it does seem that's the world is as totally shafted as someone who's been forced to watch a nineteen. Seventy one blaxploitation film about a private detective back to back for ten unbroken years, thanks so much panel of economists. In fact, Connors had predicted this crisis and are therefore never been allowed to set foot in doubles until this year blamed the rapidly unfolding map to Shitsville, with which our economic and political leaders have been navigating the world, partly on the culture of short term reward for long term risk and Nassim.
I live at. The former drift is try to also describe the reverse of striding as being quotes all about how to make a bonus and screw your client, which makes it as a profession the exact equivalence of prostitution, especially if you leave the s off the word bonus only it's grubby, because your client has not lost to be screwed. How you would feel, as you sat in your house as it builds up and down on top of a love object from exploding volcanoes. Yes, it might have been a bit foolish of you to buy the house, even if it had a really nice view and not from the floor heating, but also to blame all the estate agent who aggressively sold. She was on miscible property in a safe investment, great potential, the builder who didn't bother to make the House volcano proof because it would cut into its profit margin the planning office. Okay for mission for the house we built because he hated saying not when routing people's dreams. The self appointed I'm qualified job
You said: no, it's not a volcano! It's a big molehill that rumbling. You can feel that's a really big mole and most of all to blame is Palo, not the greatest footballer of all time in celebrity vasectomy reversal right, but Pele, the hawaiian goddess
volcanoes on unquestionable awfully who not only
of all kind of there, but might interrupt when she lost her notoriously magmatic temper after she caught Greek volcano got her fighters, obviously copping a pervert electable ponsonbys and, as you sit there, John Atop, your fountain of fire waiting for the inevitable in century crash down and wondering if any of Florence Nightingale's boyfriends ever called pyroclastic flow after a particularly hot and rumbustious encounter. I guess you can control yourself by thinking. Well, I guess we're all to blame. We're all to blame. Apart from that professional Vulcan
with a clipboard. I been locked in a soundproof vault and they spent the last fifteen site shouting for sake, stop building and buying houses. On top of that was devils, two thousand and nine and don't forget there
still time to submit your entries to all Bilderberg group competition to win a place in the in
I think some of the global elite.
Not sure a lot for this week will be back with a full bugle next week, featuring Al Murray plus another bugle, debut from the
inefficient, Jen Kirkman, who is currently over from the USA, doing a run at the Soho Theatre. So do go along answer that until
next week, buglers goodbye.