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Bonus Bugle: Who Says Comedy Has To Be Entertaining?

2018-03-10

Some amazing bits from recent Bugles we held back, including the mother of Freudian slips from Andy, the return of Silvio and a classic bit from Andy and John.

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@HelloBuglers@aliterative@MrNishKumar@ProducerChris@tiffstevenson@felicityward

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
All the newspaper for a visual world, hello viewers and will You will issue four thousand and sixty one sub episode, a for apologies for not being a full issue of the bugle this week. Instead, we have some bonus extra bits from the recent live show in London. Some other bonus extra bits from other bits and in the first and latest installment of what the hell was happening ten years ago. We go back in time hang on. Let me just add it up to five three, ten years, two march, two
the night, and without wishing to spoil the fun, I can exclusively reveal that in the news exactly ten years ago this week as exclusively revealed at the time in issue. Twenty of this esteemed organ of audio historical record were Russia. The European Union and women so palouse our shores. However, to get things started and whilst I contemplate how all of you, as I speak, are almost certainly rushing to dispatch your ticket buying carrier pigeons to Australia and New Zealand to purchase tickets to my forthcoming shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival that, from a tenth to the 22nd of April Sydney, festival, the 23rd and the 24th and the New Zealand Comedy Festival. That is the week after that we will Go back in time, it's slightly less for two February, two thousand and eighteen and the lesser square Theater with Maine Nish, Kumar and Alice Fraser. any any particular requests any requests.
What are the stories you could say they want to get a feel of what you read. So the general to some cricket part say those words out loud among just immediately left. It is also a group get pods of like just go off on his will. Kick out some space either that guy really hates cricket pod, so he's off to drop the mother of all. Does this. It was a very bold x, the I I've got nothing yeah. I've got nothing to add. You stumped me. Let's move on quickly to a story emerging from Isel and where they appear to be clamping down on people chopping, the end of other people's,
in which the icelandic parliament, um uh there's a bill. That's being mean in all in all someone right right right right right. That is pretty good a member thing all she Cheat on you know. Some people to do was on circumcision duty. Today the icelandic parliament, uh. There's a bill that could ban circumcision for non medical reasons. Family show Christopher Family show Lowe's watching with there is at home. That is one slash. Two peeled banana Tell me please what God was eating when he told Abraham to chop the any seven
But of course this is called some some um amongst Jews, um well, of course, because as a although I am lapsed, Very laps, I'm very laps, but I haven't had it sewn back on yet I'm not, I'm about I'm. On the very very lapsed Jew soul? Apps that I am, in fact, all tension purposes simultaneously: a christian and Muslim, the so it lapse Jews in my book. Basically me plus a few one thousand years uhm, but I still some aspects of my jewish background that I carry with me for life uh, for example, a fondness for matcha disk Genocide
almost voice like control of showbiz. How do you think Google whiskey do you know? The nation is the first non jewish comedian ever to play the Leicester Square face? How did absolute? That is some racist onto it? Do you think I'm jewish, it's true and, above all, probably a lifelong fear of people attacking the end of my appointment, with a sharpened blade, can't shake for whatever reason, upload, impose A6 year, prison term on anyone guilty of removing part or all of the child sexual organs. They argue. The practice violates children's rights. I'm not gonna get involved in complex, fraught religious medical traditions, but just as a point of order, there is a big difference between pots and ole. I'm not and the rest is just medical stuff, and
doctors may recommend that a man or boys circumcise if he has an unusually tight foreskin known as phimosis or suffers from recurrent infections of the foreskin and p Nis known as a balanitis, who's that can't be entered a can't, be educational, that's what I'm looking for. Ladies and gentlemen, the mother of all freudian slips just do not use the word mother. In that sense, you know, Freud was jewish and the original freudian slip is just this last game. Material I'll, be that,
wipe it off on my head stone, that's really the motto of the vehicle. Then you We have merge after this stuff will be on there. Who said company has to be at the time Suddenly, all my reviews one point: five stars: the Herald, Sun, two thousand and fourteen. Why bother with the half anyway let's move on to would Keep going um
so much of what's going on in the world right now, on top so has been for the last twenty five years cannot be solved up put the phrase: the problem is american. There is one proposal that could actually make make a big difference, and that is that politicians of henceforth do their thoughts and prayers in advance of these things. rather than retrospectively afterwards, when they have limited practical value. The prayer really. I know God has a bit of a backlog on prayers, because just last week he tried to save his kids elcat but the prayer of should be made in the year. Eighteen, thirty, four, because he's so behind he acts Bentley will on the side where this kids cat lived, is now a zoo and create a bionic lion, so that would be careful, but I reckon with
Do it like you know, shops that don't accept cards and insist on cash, 'cause, they're, dodging their taxes, we should say we will take your thoughts and prayers, but they just have to be root. formatted slightly into the form of legislation, and we do not accept American Express it'll, surprise. What is the point of an American Express card? We don't get it and uh This is not strictly topical satire also I think we need to look at the stats, though Becaus America despite, it's it's problems with gun crime still has the third most, still alive today, who have not been lane by firearms of any country in the world. The China and India are ahead of it with more people. and Australia, you know the pin up boy of successful gun control, only twenty four million people there who haven't been killed by guns.
So that means in America have gotten more than what about one thousand two hundred percent better chance. You could work a stat statistics. as I said before, like a ventriloquist dummy shove your hand, far enough for an you can make them say. Whatever the. children in areas will take any notice, I'm Chris, how the tone doing it it's you know before it was bitten. Yeah yeah now is a bit mission mission critical. Is it uhm? We got time for QA yeah, well, seeing as there was such enthusiasm for l era, I feel like it would be rude to not do a bit of a q and I we we can make them to look anyone got a question went straight up, always a bad sign. Hi I'm from Australia just want to know how do we get to lords we'd like to see the ashes?
practice practice practice. Bakerloo line, it's in the it's in the museum, so they actually is the greatest sporting trophy in the universe, although- Australia technically might have won it by cheating uh huh he's uh actually keep the physical trophy, which is about three inches tall and and earned from the 1880s it at launch. It never leaves because Australia can't be trusted with it you could just go, be trusted with anything a man also. I would say we with the moral victors in the ashes for sure. We move we bought yeah, we were surely well it's not it's. Not all about results show talks about having a good upstanding, morally, morally correct team and far far better to lose the ashes for nil with people like
stokes. It was some place. Awestruck, the morally squalid australian team, which included Steve Smith, sure great batsman, but he's never expl. Italy condemned Joseph Stalin lock him up, lock him up thirty million innocent David Warner, yes, superplay at a very good series against England's but he has never explicitly criticized the CIA for their complicity in the overthrow of the democratically elected in President Salvador Allende an adult GQ in the early 1970s Mitchell? Starc? Yes, great bowler, but does he you give a shit about the persecution of the Jews in late 12Th Century England. If he'd asked
the funny way of school bully and the I would get so mad at you for this. If I can schools, but when you said you were here to stay for the ashes, I thought you were talking about the series and I was like I think you are simple time easily. Both light and early and videos go to Q, Oh there's a man here who like a more handsome version of Maine. He does or I might hi guys keep for the compliment is it. The only Alice is remembered her bugle issue pants Let's, let me emphasize that his pants in the common sense of the World both mission I wearing full on Bugle Y fronts: uh yeah
actually wearing a bugle phone all of his. I have a Masonic thanks for the love guru, not the worst thing he's been involved in. We can say it You can say it appears. It's fine for us he's family, oh- that was two thousand and eighteen. However, this bit is today roughly ten years ago, in two thousand and eight in the commentary box. It's Andy Zaltzman, an with him John Oliver TOP story this week and democracy is everywhere. Democracy. Shoots have been sprouting out across the globe this week. Democracy is blooming, Andy and it's time for it to be fully pollinated. In America. It's all been kicking off John. What a week for american democracy, it's been getting
nasty. On the democratic side, Hillary Clinton run an adverb which seemed to suggest that Barack Obama will snatch your children from their beds, as they sleep just cause he's a bit inexperienced. Well, that's right. I mean she she's had quite a comeback a campaign recently had a priest following around ready to issue at the last right, but it has spluttered back to life rebound successor being down to a series of attackers, one surrounding a telephone saying it's three I am in the White House. The phone is ringing. Who do you want to answer I thought you all want that phone and a secretary unemployed, secretary or some kind switchboard operator. I don't want a president manning the phones. They have far more important work to do. Who's got the direct number of is that any way and why they abusing it at three hundred in the morning, because this whole thing was about children being safe and asleep in their beds in the middle of the night. But if it's a three hundred am I want someone to answer the phone in the water us who isn't going to put the phone down and then ring me straight up saying: are you
children still safe and asleep. Well, you better wake them up. Sudans kicking off. I want them to deal with it and not involve my sleeping children in a globe. Catastrophe too much to ask fashion, scaremongering, coming into the election campaign at last 'cause, it's been a real lack of it so far, and that's what democracy is all about, jump enabling the public to choose which made up stories they want to be genuinely spooked by the Democrats can now concentrate on doing what they do best completely destroying themselves in this week of democracy. What reflects the democratic process better than the looming prospect of super delegates, just under eight hundred individuals, with the power to vote directly against the will of the people? Russia? It's saying that only one vote was important that vote playing a lot of it put it in the US. It's seven hundred ninety full super delegates which might have ok, seven hundred and ninety four times more democratic than Russia, and when you put it on that, it doesn't actually sound too bad
The reasons why we've got excited about it in Britain John, because we basically don't have elections anymore in Britain, the last two generations were foregone conclusions and the current leader, Gordon Brown, was elected after a poll in which only two people voted Brown and his predecessor Tony Blair, at a secret dinner thirteen years in advance that understand without didn't really capture the public imagination, so we're kind of vicariously getting our fix of democracy through America, which is great, and also it's only the second election since one thousand nine hundred and seventy six not to feature a member of the Bush family as a presidential vice presidential Canada. So I think the world is just going to enjoy that while I can 'cause, there are plenty more Bush is where George W came from that actually breed them on a secret ranch in Texas and the ones that don't make it a sold for scraptothechinese dot org.
right but Bush in fact, back Mccain or semi backed Mccain. This week, the now official republican presidential candidates the seas. This is the man who he said was mentally unstable of his experiences as a prisoner of war and also the Father, the black, but Can you really endorse someone who you've treated like that? Well, no, you can't so he didn't instead favoring a painfully awkward photo opportunity. White House. Steps and this week IRAN is voting on Friday in a general legislative election, but that campaign is only one
weeklong. Now, surely this is more of a justification for ministry invasion down any suggest a nuclear weapons program. They've got some oxygen with. I don't stringing out long enough and I need to be taught a lesson reports of suggest that more than ninety percent of independent and reformist candidates in IRAN have been disqualified from standing now, I'm sure those conducting the kind of the vetting process like keeping reform minded candidates off the ballot type of a perfectly reasonable and above board reasons. Maybe helping spend more time with their families or perhaps they were not a democracy is floored and these would be counted as might find a more rewarding healthy. We just don't know also posters with candidates.
It's only been fans because the government says that wasteful only to a costly and boring post election cleanup, I might the binding posts this. That is a great way of suppressing the will of the place. Thank well. It's just it's it's hard to tell a deal. I appreciate that families like it. I have a but also party planning to block internet access on polling day. The reason the kid from that you know just to make sure it's okay, yeah! Well, that's pretty much it that that quote. That quote, is that this will ensure unimpeded into that access for the government. How does all the people having internet access impeded their axes know how the internet looks two thousand and eight that still one of the finest twenty or so years of this millennium, so far
Let's get the bugle time machine cranking again back up to just one week ago, Ann some secret, previously unreleased footage from last week, bugle. Recording honestly finding Winston Churchill's home videos of him doing karaoke with Stalin and Roosevelt at Yalta. More so and with Maine, Felicity Ward and Tiffany Stephenson instead and a bit less singing the quote from the wild. We once shame on you fool me twice: shame on main yeah: it's like an ex boyfriend that just keeps turning up again we keep letting him back in his in each case. I was Shakespeare when he Sylvia, were on first name basis, he's taking his case to the European Court of Justice, because if he wins he'll be able to run again in the future. He's eighty any one. I think that's just called the afterlife the only time you can run 'cause it will,
it was another four or seven years, yeah, I don't want an eighty five year old, I'm not italian, maybe ITALY once that. I don't know, I don't want to know and if you want an eighty five in ITALY, you want an eighty five year old Nana I see one because known as run chip yeah like that, is no mess in Nana and you starting out all of the time. Yeah yeah, exactly you never go hungry with an honor in charge. Yeah, that's a perfect, but I don't understand why I mean how old Trump seventy two, I'm just saying, could we meet We get someone in their 50s or 60s at some young Napa Little Korea. We did try that here with David Cameron. That takes up a spectacular. Why? So? when he Blair was being mid, yeah and yeah. He split split opinion. Maybe maybe just someone who who doesn't think the end is around the corner, so
cares about what happens to people, someone that doesn't need a handrail in their bathroom yeah. going to be ages, but I do think there is a point where we can say it, probably just step out of the race at some point in their 70s yeah. I should take that back because there's plenty of people who are not able bodied that have a handrail. I take that back. Absolutely. What I meant was just someone That is look. Let's just lose that Tony Blair. He also said that people are sick if I sing peace in Northern Ireland on the altar of Brexit, good old tony former Prime Minister warmonger Ann perpetual giver of, opinions we didn't ask for if I had many, to escape being charged with a war crime. I just maintain
slightly lower price, but Tony I started a war that started the whole world. Crying Blair cannot KP sheet to himself. He doesn't eat. I think what he might be on to something, though I think, rather than you know, sacrificing an old arm, peace price that we should just be. You know, learn from the engine, Greeks. We should just be sacrificing the auction daughters. The works are literal, structural sacrifices it well what Reagan trojan modern it just about how he's just going to start taking all of Plato's ideas, and then just you know why? Why not yeah, learning from the ancient Greek, so we may have. They got some things right now: philosophy, yeah, democracy, yeah, yep yeah well, even though you're good for even a yogurt strained at the moment, but it was a joke on the truck hey. I'm in that. So I'm so sorry. Do you
I'm so hungry? I ate a little bit of Mandarin run before I just realized about the taste of citrus in my mouth and like. Why is that was nervous, leading some pale avatax Emma. I don't know that. it's between a mandarin and a set summa by the way, I just call them satsumas over here 'cause. Everyone else does right. Do you know the difference? Sharing sorry. I know Orange Oranges orange. and it doesn't rhyme with anything until it- that's true- mind you? I side note: I did was part of a theater sports petition when I was younger, like an improvised action comes the competition and I said to one of my teammates set me up with the word our range but side in that fancy: access and I managed to get the wood blancmange in there and run it right people wanted press then either across the across the bottom to see a sports as a phrase just fills me with, like kind of like a sick, cold, sweat dread yeah
after sports over here. I realized after I said it's basically like Improv Improv competitive. Yes, you did like 'cause, that's what we need in our more competition here, that's making it more like sports. So what you want to do is give improv kids more confidence. Highness. I thought he meant unarmed. He just had his hands behind his surrendering like he had in the past by is not running in The any place he's running in is a KFC. That's me on. It is about how you take from part. You just stand outside a K. F C M brought a bargain bucket, like literally, if you ever want to distract into nothing. As I'm listening them really interested in that it's going to say, and then he can have some h, we will be to stretch a dozen e feed Stephanie. Yes, we
list of feats control. All all it's sort of crazy either suggestion that this is what I would do when he wouldn't the other crazy thing that has come out of this is when he went to go meet the school kids that were involved. He took notes with him. He had to have no, in so we sort of lessons as how to talk to children and one of the notes he had was I hear you which, simply means I'm not listening like kids and but I'm not surprised that he doesn't know how to talk to his kids Becaus. I've read a little bit of Ivana Trump's, autobiography 'cause, someone had too, and you get a real sense of how their parenting skills affected and kind of why those kids are the way they are. I've got a little bit here for I've, read to you from Ivana's. for raising kids. I encourage my children to try new things as much as I can tell
They can do anything. I don't want them engaging in past times that have no future, I'm real. First lady, I added up it all. My kids play tent. Scenske beautifully. This is generally true. This is directly from the autobiography by, and this will explain everything at the age of two I took each of them. top of the hill and told them ski down, and they would well. I don't like it so far. yeah, tell him get to the bottom of the mountain dew, The banker went too bad, but Eric would cry for hours at a time I'll give him to the skin. Certain said: don't worry if he cries. He'll get off, Reddit I've gotta work. Today, my kids love to ski. We are skiing, family, speaking of guns
fans in you stories and on twitter around the world. I never think this will be good. I'm never lied on the bed to be proud here we go, but in the wake of the Florida Florida shooting- and it's happened, multiple multiple times- and this is the weird thing is- is the same thing happened here, but you guys out, I think, at the credit, that you deserve for it. In nineteen. Ninety six in Australia, Port Arthur Tasmania out. We had our biggest mass shooting. You know aside from aboriginal genocide, but if we don't include that we biggest mass shooting and we had an incredibly conservative government at the Tommy John Howard who's been brought up already within. both days band automatic and semi automatic weapons, which was so far out of character for him but it was an immediate response that worked. I think the same thing happened here out of the land line: shooting yeah tons out if you, if you get rid of the guns, people to get shot well, yes in the national gun. Amnesty Australians turned in more than fifty
One thousand firearms to authorities that was the recent want. Last just last year in America. By contrast, the authorities turned more than fifty seven thousand firearms on a map so basically the same things going towards progress, but the words mixed up. We should a very quick touch on the the beast from the EAST Weather NEWS, Britain Broad been brought to a standstill reason. I doubt if he's here today, in fact, is because you'll you'll showings once he was postponed by the breeze from the h this arctic, russian weather, coming of age, the spawn all british clouds it serves that there's been some horrific cut instance of I mean always a petition for structure is not deal to design, not design designed to deal with. It's probably made
physically and emotionally not designed to deal with with weather, that isn't proper british, where we do not vote for this kind of weather government is Lee Down again, we like a mild version of every weather. I love it is just the city prepared for thank you little bit of snow Blizzard, Alrosa drank shut down twenty four degree. It's a way fourteen manageable, but no southern rail. for how we know it's going to snow but, like we know, like six weeks, two months before it's going to happen, still on the day to go run our salt, so don't get a nicer natural resource we just run out of it. So don't go outside 'cause, you will die or if you do, you have to like. Take the salt grinder season yourself down the street one of the people who stuck on the M8 motorway in Schottland, said
It was like a call park will be its shrewdly designed because several miles long, only three vehicles, white and within the White House, so take that was the kind of car part we voted to get rid off in this country. It's really Brussels. Do you know the best thing about the basement and no disrespect to anyone that is suffering the consequences. I understand it's a real thing, but Holyshit tune into morning television weather presenters their eyes can bugging out of their heads with joy. They get to use the word treacherous, minus double digits and the warning we're lucky. They are not climaxing on screen. They are delighted into my honestly and also watching like make well dressed comfortably shooed little people go the Bruce from the earth.
I love it. I I would seeing kids play in it is is farm. I went back to my mom's the other day. This is this is beautiful because knit web my mom and dad lives as a big hail so there's loads of kids firing themselves down the hill on Bin bags and stuff. I come back as well. Here, where I live now, and I see kids walking along with cats, Cath Kidston tries, which is just a beautiful, just showing the working class kid. This is the very spoiled middle class drought in Muswell Hill, like literally be box caskets and tries yeah. I had a snowball yesterday, a old self, a little snowball. I went home and I ate it over. The bar did you yeah, love. Is you check if it was yellow further, wasn't yellow? If I, if I needed to, I could have made it that way, but I do. I am absolutely delighted by this now you saw me before I'm I'm so close to going out and rolling in it and when I was, I think,
two thousand and nine something like that, there was a really it was a really bad went out and I went up to it and brought the Christmas and I dived in to a pile of snow 'cause. I was so happy and then I remembered that snow is frozen water and then my clothes became very wet I do it again, though I love you little bit of physics, there you go something for everyone, depending on who everyone is that we will be back with a full bugle. Next week. Don't forget to book your tickets to the forthcoming bugle live, shows in Melbourne on the fifteenth and twenty second of April, also in London, and Manchester details online and set sail now for the australian, usually operation. If you want to see me doing, my shows that unless you or deliver, which case might be Joe for donkey an right of the shows instead until next. You're, sincerely, etc Andrews Altman,