This is a podcast from the bugle podcast COM, the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world, hello robbers and welcome to issue two hundred and sixteen of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Altman, here in Kolkata and as they say in these parts, shalom and happy Thanker to one of all and joining me live from his favorite city by the MAGIC stroke witchcraft. That is the telephone all the way from LOS Angeles. It's John Oliver hello the allow and it is another ludicrous combination of locations this week with in Calcutta, Christin Hamburg, Ped in London, Pauling, New York and me in it- is not going to get any less feasible for us

So one of us move to the moon. I'm currently talking to you from my hotel, which is directly overlooking the Dolby Theater, which now thank you. Oscars every year, where I presume I will be for the two thousand and fourteen Oscars for my role in mirth two Walmart do is just book. This hotel room now in station of that because, as we both know, it's a borderline. Statistical certainty, I'm gonna, be up it'll, be it'll, be a choice between John Oliver or Vanity Smurf Brad tips. Applying someone les handsome than I well Daniel day. Lewis is playing princess Anne in the upcoming biopic that everyone's excited about I'm actually looking out of my window. Right now, Andy at Hollywood Boulevard, where people routinely dress up as carton car. Movie characters to pose for photos with tourists before by usually mugging them around.

I'm currently looking at Jack Sparrow, a sponge Bob and I very depressed looking man whose costume doesn't but up properly at the the back. Who seems to be wearing under some kind of t shirt. Ok, all I'm saying! He thought it was the green goblin right now, would try and take over the earth immediately because, from my vantage point, Spiderman is either drunk about a burst into tears or both, and I will also say that perhaps understandable reasons Elmo seems to be keeping a low profile on Hollywood. Boulevard at the moment there were at least three Elmo's walking around at any one time, but in light of current news events, I think they're, probably the process of spraying themselves green and calling themselves and John the Spiderman managed to lift anything massive concern us calmly, sticking out. Well, I think, still active thing. He's lifting Andy is the burden of his own sadness. So it is quite a feat of strength.

Hollywood were very of dream so well, I've been having an absolute bull here in India, by which I mean my dress, doesn't fit my feet: hurt from Danzig thanks again to all the indian people. Those who've come to my shows. It notes. All of the one point one billion Indian did was. It might have a still for eight days into. Thanks very much becomes those and especially also a huge. Still the indian cricketing for making England fail. So extremely welcome was don't write them in this week. It say how to turn a sausage back into a life pig section. Tricky protest I will tell you how to do it in just one hundred one difficult steps may record aftermath resuscitation on a big part of sausage meat and an audio diy, do's and don't guide part one where not to drill that section in the

top story. This week, Bugle Royal Special stop everything you're doing everybody on earth, stop everything that you are doing we're having a baby Britain, If you a good it, it would have been so easy to not fewer people. This Waco without current geographical circumstances, Just maybe this bug will sound a little worse than usual, as you have to do it down a phone line, but there was nothing that could possibly stop When the news came out that Kate Middleton has a tiny person in her stomach. It happened and ease you go away for one week and he just one week and a princess get pregnant. Don't tell me that that just coincidence, yeah, there is absolutely no other news in the world. This week is basically not the week that the imminent birth of Jesus was leaked to the gospel hacks in not busy and cannot

leave John I have been, four thousand nine hundred and forty four miles away from home on the greatest day in the history of the british nation, since the invention of the sandwich, one day when all the nations problems and all the cares of the world melted away at the news of the local child the magic taught who will surely bring a new aid to all remaining corners of our glorious empire, obey them the only thing left to that empire: the Falkland Islands, Gibraltar, memory service decently, anvil motorway. At recently, control back in the Mexicans and above thirty, going to write and of course, England is a great day's job America reacted well, you know I mean, as far as I can see, doubtless by the Minister with the we're on the he looks happier the magic child is already working is little magic. We prefer the fact it's it's all over

can you see it as well, because nothing else has happened this week or if it has it frankly, doesn't matter because Kate Middleton is the proud owner of some fertilized eggs. She will now, as is tradition, curl up in a nest and Pippa Middleton will sit on her for the next seven months to assist the incubation, occasionally giving her food by regurgitator get into a mouth. The royal family had some strange but deeply rooted, traditions and the as we both know. The news came out when it emerged that Kate Middleton had been admitted to hospital earlier, in the weeks up and from acute morning, sickness seconds later, all the major news agency were pulling their journalists from Cairo, Damascus and I've got a phantom said, the beaten and outside a hospital for no discernible reason whatsoever.

I don't think it's any doctor who will fall off where's the body we do Montessori the pipe. We released the role right now, a shaken doctors attempted to point out of the by you would not be born for at least another six months. The gently falling leaf map screaming what the cover up release the body, but right now this is a conspiracy. Smuggle that tossed out inside her womb. The initial scans have shown a small us with a full crown on its head. So it is a genuine rule. What is most amazing, John, so soon after all, the fuss about the topless pictures of Kate Middleton in European, Magazines, a MIKE road king will soon be chowing down on those self sainted, Roll WAP. Let's that such an unclothed stir when photographed unmistakably protruding from her ladyship's, otherwise unblemished

so it just shows how quickly fortunes can change. The hysteria was so intense that when cake was finally released from hospital just yesterday, I was off expecting to see hoards of paparazzi with Xray machines and ultrasound equipment, tackling her to the floor, a rubbing gel on her stomach to try and get the first picture of the unborn golden child. I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for a baby before it's even been born, and if I was at a child, I would try and string this pregnancy out for as long as possible as soon as set foot outside that that it is stepping into a category five five storm and to mark the momentous moment, if indeed, a moment can be momentous. But in this case that now seems even doubling momentous. They will special joint pewter costs of the duchess's royal thoracic. Let's enormous brush, like public sculptures filled with milk from the royal heard of cows, including the role Countess Ermintrude, the dowager

a cal buttercup and the duchess of moms burry and whose joint, to teach the public will be entitled to suckle for twelve months after the royal birth, the birth, which will Q. British independence for at least another one thousand years will also be marked in the following ways. All babies born on the same day we'll have their happy coincidence, marked with a free tattoo of Kate Middleton's, face on there faces free of charge paid for by protein. From Prince Charles is Biscuit Cartel to show support for the princess, all british women of childbearing age, who forced to walk around with an increasingly large cushion shop, dot that tops and jumpers for the next six months. I'm just ceremonially for much in sympathy every morning, plus they will have to Each weird meals and snacks of the duchess might be craving such as gherkin and marmalade rulers, squid five, an ice cream with locust eggs, sprinkled on top and caught I made with a real cottage crunchy, but homely and also

babies born within a week either side of the royal baby will be quarantined on the Sandringham for eighteen years to make sure node royal permanence escaped during escaped your nails, Mosin process an impregnable than ordinary human british woman, which could cause a dish just like in the 18th century. This Cole poll, rich baby, only has no idea what it has got in store for it. I really wouldn't be surprised if the first gun showed an image of the baby with his head in his hands. It's not it's slamming his head into the womb and frustration. This really

been a spectacularly invasive week of turbo over reaction from Britain, I don't know how the birth is really going to top this, unless Kate Middleton literally gives birth on the balcony of Buckingham Palace and Prince William, then immediately holds the baby up to the assembled crowd like Simba in the lion king. Just when you thought the Britain had reached its maximum level of hysteria, something pushed it over the top, and that thing was a doctor remarking in an offhand way on tv that extreme morning, sickness can sometimes be a sign of twins holy Shit, Britain to have twins, and I know that we don't know that for sure. In fact, technically we don't know that at all, but we're all expecting twins now. So anything less than her popping out two babies in quick succession is going to be a huge disappointment and if it is twins which it definitely will be if Princess K gives a shit about this country, then it's going to throw up an interesting quandary regarding succession, because a gender bias of prioritizing male airs has now been overturned, meaning that, whichever baby comes out first.

Is the direct heir to the throne in the event of a c section. It will, of course, be up to the doctor who comes out first. So at that point, as is tradition once more, the doctor will be blindfolded and spun around several times. Wherever the the does does eventually take place, the the lined womb finally produces it's. Hallowed produced It will be broadcast on giant tv screens in all public parks and town squares throughout import the duchesses is agonized screams drowned out by the at singing of king's college choir. Although, personally John, I think this is a opportunities, one of the great pranks of all time for middle to it, to emerge from hospital with a little cuddly toy

thing to the press: school, not even pregnant. You should see the look on your face these. When was this royal baby conceived, just don't suggest that these things go back in tradition for hundreds, if not thousands of years, we will now of course, these glorious role, blessings not happen in the conventional way that US mere mortals have to put up with the grubby intercourse intercostal rubbings, approval and mademoiselle no rule. Babies are produced in a far more dignified manner, as you would very much expect. Prince Williams course the current, proud bearer of the majestic als the royal now. This is the original crown jewels of the not let's handed down from generation to generation, some kind of the fifth capture them on the battlefield of Agincourt. In fourteen fifteen, William took the Testicles in their velveteen presentation of scrutiny and to the crept in Westminster, Abbe Weather, to optimum fertilisation temperature on the roll embers that have been kept to flame for just this purpose ever since

Still smoldering virgin Joan of ARC was brought back from ruin to help the then King Henry, the sixth conceived the majestic within sport in the donkey drawn carriage, still attached to the prince by locks of hair from the main of the unicorn Henry, the eighth RD at his coronation to the Embryo news vault in Windsor Castle, where they Lord Royal Governor Dear extracted the royals permanent. The spare moment, was then in accordance with tradition placed in a George Foreman Grill given to the queen by the former World Heavyweight champion. Last year to replace the phone previous royal skillet, which had been the receptacle for all roll Concepcion. Since the early seventeenth century experts say it never really recovered from being used on a weekly basis by all of Charles, the mistresses, mistresses was plugged in and set to a low heat setting. The duchess meanwhile held the ceremonial womb of Wessex behind a screen where, upon the archbishop of Canterbury, send the engine magical touch me touch me. I want to feel your body covered, of course, in the nineteen nineties still by her Excellency Samantha folks, the countess of non twitch, the no fully fully ready, Sperm Julie, Osmos, most through the screen into the womb, the the duchess

roosted like a chicken for forty days and forty nights to ensure a successful role by vacation. That John is the future of our nation was secured. All we have to do now is wait or are they all think that tight little could should play that everything you just said through headphones and place them on her stomach, so the child can be soon with that level of wave upon wave. But the impact of the royal baby has, of course, been felt around the world. Here in India, the government passed legislation allowing western supermarkets to march into indian cities in a tribute to their former role family involving encouraging a more acceptable form of commercial imperialism. Furthermore, also India, I went to a restaurant last night, John with an indian friend, and we ordered something called a curry, kebab that the waiter told us was from a cow, so we both It was just some sound a bit of beef. I

It was absolutely unremittingly disgusting, my indian friend, and receive a text message from his own indian friend, letting him know that Kerry about is in fact other. That's right. John, I unwittingly ate a cow's wap. Just days off, it became public. There will soon be a british prince or princess suckling on a human went back home. That's factor we put down to coincidence, John well, you can't eat that, and that is something that Now I cannot on the other which Eve, was song by Perry Como in the nineteen, apparently one of the side. Effects of this extreme nausea is constant, heavy retching and I'm sure

Hi Middleton delivered a very ladylike retching anyway, I'm being extremely thank you rescue what the retching of a fluttering bus to fly under which he left the hospital yesterday, she noted went off for reported that she was sailing vessel about it was to be very tempting to north and then flipped and elegant, but in a majestic single digit royal, so live at the BBC. Will correspondent Louise about the the said the doctor seemed tentative and less energetic than usual. Well, of course, she was less energetic, you're free, throwing up the contents of the stomach for the lost ninety. Six hours you'd be less energetic too. If you just gone on a high profile for day, vomiting spree only to be welcomed across the finish line by the entire world media youth, on

say that about all the the and go get a proper job. So what does the future great you fight in the history of the universe have to look forward to well at she. All eight will be first in line to the throne and will be hounded. Tell other sleep on the dregs of journalism. From that perspective, a loft and the whole world not wasting any time in getting excited from my window actually right now Andy, I think I can see someone dressed up as the fetus on the Hollywood Boulevard and you thinking photos we tourists and perhaps the craziest move in a corner copy of creeping. I for rent office has even engineered images of the yet to be born child with projected like me, about a three year old boy and a three year old girl and, I've seen them both and to be honest, they both look like Michael Jackson. I don't know what happened.

Yeah. I mean there are tough times ahead, of course, for the Salem Road and but it has a said, inspired amazing things around the world, former top Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, indications that he will run for office again next year, now this just shows the wonders. Inspiration, Kate, Middleton, divine womb. Have had on the world young. She showed that anything is possible if she can bear a child just like Odin immortal women. Then, truly we can all do anything, and Berlusconi has seen this and he's thought two things one if she can do I can run for office again despite having been convicted of various crimes and to Kate Middleton

only a head. I've got a bad at Johns. If I'm back into politics, the butterfly effect of this much you bye be affecting the new spreading further at this week, it's a team of former NASA executive lost, like private venture, to send to people to the moon, the one point four billion dollars, and you call and say that I definitely wasn't inspired by the slightly on the fact of the baby. She comes strike out. They check for one point, four billion having first would be take me to the moon. This is being done to let the happy roll coupling have their special pre genital moment in the privacy, the moon, John. This is the only way they can get away from the press. By flowing to the moon, for the I mean it is suggested in various parenting books. As well or moon, birth takes a lot of pressure off. The body makes easier to shelve the baby out. But one thing is clear:

and that is that this child is going to have a lot of twenties golden shoulders, as is both very well, could save the economy in Britain, the scent of a retail research that a two thousand eleven a hundred ninety nine million pounds we spent on royal wedding, save a a and the a baby could prove almost if not more popular. In fact, less than twenty four hours of the pregnancy was announced, I stuff a chip off the roof of that it was all starting work on a commemorative mug, which is pretty impressive when the baby currently resembles a kind of blurry tadpole, and this pottery firm started producing blue red and white mugs, which apparently just say a royal baby in two thousand and thirteen, and they started doing that on Tuesday morning and they're also really leaving some companion mug sites.

Who gives a shit about Syria and on the other side, it's royal baby time? Well, he went on to say the owner of this house said people want family, heirlooms and I'm sure, there's also a massive export market, particularly in America, see America Supply and demand You want I'll pottery shit. We will give you our pottery shit. Finally, Andy the final magic baby influence story was that apparently, coffee change, Starbucks agreed to pay more Uk Corporation tax and link, there's only one reason why they would all of a sudden do that They fear the baby figure that exactly it's a special kind of tiny justice they backed down before that baby. We took to out huge logo design competition NEWS now and the competition is now closed. We will be analyzing and judging the entries this week in announcing the winner on next week's,

bugle. Two hundred and seventeen the prize is going to be free pounds in her. Her majesty's royal baby faced cash plus I signed prince of your winning entry, if you win and it will be signed by Elvis Presley- and any other celebrity of your choice. As long as it's me and john- and I will keep her for Elvis if you want that as well. I we'll be announcing a winner winner next, no time for emails, because well, as we suggested the sound quality on this recording for isn't great there's been a lot of honking. Car homes. The street outside any view been to India, will know they love the hawk, They have horns on all vehicles here and they believe that God gave us horns, so we could honk and I think the maximum that I've heard since I got here

weeks ago. John without a hunk is three point, eight seconds that is as long as you can go without hearing something hunk, it's kind of beauty oh geez, almost a kind of Morse Code of national pride, we'll be back next week with evil to under the seventeen. The result, the competition to be remote. Coming in to invoke the Bugle Bugle podcast com check out our sound plough, page Soundcloud, DOT, com, slash the bugle and and we'll be back next week when be back in lightly closer to to the Holy Royal baggage, and I believe I may be cured of all current and future diseases, just by being within twenty miles of their oil filters. These are true so be all lords in in the universe Universe Blessing blessing with with this holy child until next week. Farewell