« The Bugle

Scallop wars and the Maybot: Bugle 4079


Andy and Alice record a Bugle at midnight in the woods – and discuss Theresa May's attempts at dancing, the first Scallop War of Brexit, and who the latest Aussie PM is (this may already be out of date).

Recorded in front of about 1000 people at the beautiful End Of The Road Festival.



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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chris, at the theme tune is that progress. So so, let's just now the official start of the show hello, buglers hello people who are not buglers hello. People were slightly confused about what is now happening. So welcome welcome so this for our listeners. Not here is at the end of the road festival,
It is now one to midnight funny o'clock, this over number of firsts for for podcast For the first time in our proud history, the bugle headlining, a music festival. No, I mean it does not sin. Yeah, if you really are saying If she is she real science 'cause I mean she must have fiddled. The paperwork is usually you've got to be pretty much dead Ave to she's, not even a real Vincent. This is the first ever bugle to be performed outside traditionally is very much been an indole kind of show up, but today we joined the huge list of things so have happened outside
number of amazing things happen outside through human history, for example, the battle of Waterloo, the wipe out of the dinosaurs most, it matches all the good ones yeah We all had one, absolutely all the good ones, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, some, let's just hope, just hope, there's no repeats of something, happening out Jules leading to a catastrophic mass conflict to that goes. Rebook us to these die another great outside event: the crucifixion of a missed, the J H Christ, former assistant, managing director of Joseph and Step son, carpentry, woodworking dog? He riding PLC also outside precisely fifty percent of old pumping has happened outside. Do you know the hopes, have a rare chemical in their bodies. It's Catholic Catholic Ium Popeo, some
and that means, if they don't do it, don't do exactly half of their poping alfresco they become jewish. How can you not pronounce Something you just give the game away, uh. We are now a separate from some of the things that have only ever happened inside as well, including, the finals of the World Snooker Championships, all of which happened under a roof. The painting of the Sistine Chapel ceiling, the inside, and also all of to reason, picnics one! Is it any more hold regular prime minister having an indoor picnic on our own, but look enough like she definitely knows all these as a weekly, solitary indoor picnic, not just no no the meal, okay,
help me with your science. I'm going in the Bin, yes, correct, correct there going in the Bin, hey and then next week I special woodland section, since we in the woods, including the latest scientific studies of whether or not bears douche it in Woods Annakin is that some bears shit in the woods. All the time all bears ship who is some of the time, but not all, bears shittin all of the words all of the time. Also transaction the Bin, where a cartoon of middle age, Singleton Kathy, encountering a series of increasingly graphic Dick pics on tender, the pencil She says initiative, which is what we were all thinking
also Hagar, the horrible has to take out a loan on the legal fees for his acrimonious divorce and the wizard of it attempts unsuccessfully to say something pithy about identity, politics that section in the Bin. also in the Bin. We have a special speech for you: 'cause, no one really likes making speeches and we have universal, special occasion speech. So whatever speech you have to make this, you have to cross I'll bet? You don't need it will leave you with the perfect speech for any occasion, starting with Delete as applicable. Ladies and gentlemen, stroke friends, Romans countrymen, stroke, your honor, Stroke all the dudes in all the honeys. I stand before you today, at my wedding stroke bar mitzvah, stroke, trial, stroke, inauguration, stroke, Excell, schism, stroke impeachment. Alongside my new mine, you wife, stroke husband, stroke pet iguana
stroke, manservant, stroke, quarterback, stroke, Kawasaki, three hundred and fifty I'm absolutely delighted, stroke devastated to be doing so on such a joyous, stroke, tragic stroke, humiliating stroke legally comply Occasion I have been looking full today with great excitement, stroke mobile, curiosity in the stomach churning sense of dread, stroke can be expensive lawyer and now with your love and support, stroke, contempt, stroke, the word insult and curses ringing in my ears, the future stretches ahead of me, like journey into the blissful unity of love, stroke, the postseason playoffs stroke. An episode of CSI Miami. Thank you. All so much for coming to share this special occasion with us enjoy die stroke screw you stroke. All men Andy that is more strokes than happens backstage at a comedy game
me too we are recording this one. It was the thirty first of all was when this gig started. I don't think is also the first time we've stray two days on the show are the first ones of trying the third. First of August, what an anniversary that is the on in on this day or yesterday in the air force. twenty two Henry the fifth Dilly Dilly. Henry the sixth thus became king are nine months and began his reign as king by crying an shiting himself, making him arguably the political leader who is most accurately reflected the mood of his nation in human history, I think it's a bit young to run a country, but I would ask you this:
Would you rather have running your country crying and shiting nine month old baby be option B, Donald Trump. Options, see the shady forces behind Donald Trump Ocean, deep, both B and C. I think we will take the shipping by big Alice on this year in a in history in nineteen. Twenty, the first radio NEWS programme was broadcast, thus paving the way for this piece of audio bullshit in the U S, Soviet Hotline went into operation and thus paving the way for Trump to call that a man who's in at three am until about a dream you had with Putin was riding a dolphin wearing the actual man cost you also on this day in history, in the princess. Diana died, thus paving the way for a complete reassessment about toxic celebrity based news culture, which now respects the privacy and autonomy. Individuals. How? No that didn't happen. I mean the tragic death happened, but if we've learned anything, the media trolling of Meghan Markle, is that we have learned nothing from the tragic death of Diana
so top story. This way, are you happy with the world generally? No out of right now it's called the world right now. Two hundred and forty three. The dog she is out of this well on the plus side, there's a story of great poses, only this week, and that is that we are now at war with France. One two hundred and thirty four, we have declared scallop war, and I don't have you seen this british boats and french boats have been Class in the channel. In a battle about scallops, I mean it's just too thirteen years since the battle of Trafalgar. So it's really just running on in the grand scheme of things so british boats off the coast of Normandy, see Norman, that's for you The king, Harold, never forget,
at the walls and so around forty small fringe boats clashed with full I've, Lohja bridges, boats, the bucks bumpy Java stones were thrown, I'm not sure. If there's any children in insults will hold. I'm up to ten thousand people were killed or injured up to bring the words: there was fewer than ten thousand fewer than ten thousand, but still in the middle of this, some heartbroken scallops were screaming. I don't know who to love. Ok, I just wanna be cooked in the tastiest way possible. I mean that both on both sides threw stones at one another. Where are they getting this done on a boat What is the weather like? I, don't I don't know it. You can't get Fisher, and now demanding government protection, while the friendship bewailing the loss of what they call a primary resource, which I assume is that does that not scream primary?
close to you to me, it's very hard to eat a scallop these days without thinking yourself Aphrodite. You are not what you once were so I don't know if there's something I thought when it came to the fishermen. Personally with all these color, I thought there being a little bit little bit. Shellfish Well I mean kind of conflict, the one who wins is the one who ends up with the most muscles right. There we go. Do you want my local chinese restaurant run out of scallops because of this? This story is this Facebook, this battle the owner and visited from Shanghai, specially for a scallop in black bean sauce tissues, very very disappointed, really absolutely crestfallen. He really was a crustacean crustacean. Sorry this is going to leave now too, because I'm in this clearly was a resumption of hostilities in the the the brakes it Brexit Faisal rule only join now could
this leads to a more for tat, re, visiting small gray walls of the pasta with your all european enemies. I mean, with with with all gonna, see more all models to spine, I'm in on the same scale as the Galway Harding, a pedal over and urinating in the city of San Sebastian, maybe with Germany or just send a guy over in a hot air, balloon to throw a sausage roll. A reservoir resume still a tease with ITALY by getting angry red, headed woman to smash up a pizza restaurant in Colchester that take back control people and also NEWS ascent bike has has been too she's been to Africa, and this happened now. Yeah, I mean to be honest, I mean what I was slightly surprised with was that when she turned up in Africa, people
So we've been expecting you weather is all our stuff you would We are fresh out of endangered hippos for you to shoot now. I'm don't expose Alice the only I don't in public or when I'm trying to avoid a wasp at a picnic, and all gunfire aimed at my feet, or the only uh, The time is when I'm demonstrating to my children, the things I do, I want to see a british prime minister doing in public, I mean so I mean it took us to ask the Beagle Dance correspondent Alice talking through this I mean look she's doing some very awkward middle aged White Lady dance moves. but I find them very reassuring. I think Theresa may is the appropriate dance competence for a woman of her age station and, let's be honest, nationality. I don't think
people are adequately considering exactly how horrifying it would have been. If she were a good dancer, can you imagine could have devastating. It would be to the morale of the nation if she'd broken out of vicious breakdowns backflip in the midst of a gaggle of innocent african children. Really I mean there are a few moves in there where she looks like she's trying to invoke an evil spirit. But to be honest, that is consistent with the rest of our politics. So I'm fine with us. I don't know I generally really resent having to pay attention to news about what people are wearing all their bodies, when there are more important things to focus on like whether she actually managed to secure a favorable trade deal ole what ancient evil from the bells of the s she's loosed upon the world. With that we had on that. She. What some sperm news? Yes, I didn't see that one coming
show Alice uh now this is another aspect of brexit that we weren't told about before voted on it, and that is the potential devastating news that we could be struggling full supplies of Danish Bohm off the off the brexit. It turns out the info. If, if, if we don't get a good deal, then we get this going to be huge shortage of danish, but it turns out the Danish is the sperm of church voice full IVF in this country, yeah. Damn danish seamen makes up almost half of all non british male reproductive material imported to the UK. In twenty seventeen. Oh now or no deal brexit might mean not only food shortages but a desperate, jizz drought, Co. Incidentally, that was the name of a prog rock band knows in as a student, every.
Everyone in the waiting line for some classic Scandinavian will have Gung ho. Hold on to their wombs or figure out how to assemble thousands of tiny gametes from a flat pack with only an Allen key which what my friend Alan calls his penis, I think the lead is being buried it in these millions of little danish pre immigrants pre coming here yeah. I can anything out women in what is, admittedly, a mole, consensual manner than is the ancient tradition, but I have never apologize also, in other sperm news. This is from which one of those you think is going to win, so we run a book on it.
even though I have to google at work. That was a Kenny Rogers Song. It's only early in China, there was a chinese sperm bank that was appealing for only only communists, so call only they will only taking communists, poems I'll give them a request for sperm, only for men, with an abiding love for the socialist motherland and good idea. Logical thoughts, which begs the question of when exactly he needs to be having those thoughts. Isn't it Pro communist I did you know, does he need to be thinking about the coming in this body as he stands in a lonely plastic room surrounded by nationalist, providing the most patriotic possible sample? Should the new line-
with eyes on the phrase, lie back and think of China? Well, interestingly, actually sperms are communists well, Stalinists, technically, and that's only one of them achieves anything, an millions of not for nothing, so I got stolen. So I so, since I am coming back from that satirical broadside, so so, any more sperm news, or's. No I'm dry. Let's how many minutes to recuperate and I'll come back and try again jeez Let's go into education news now, and Well, we have a teacher recruitment crisis in this country. You have any teachers in hands up with your teacher. yeah see how you like it.
What? What is that with the lights here? Right? Ok, well, guess where we are, we are in a wood that there is that so uh. What do you teach already in philosophy? I mean, I think, fundamentally, there's a great problem with teacher with education funding and it will be very easily solved if we just got rid of all teachers. Apart from one category of teacher 'cause, you have to ask me: what do we need science, teachers doing physics? Teachers know physics is still work. If kids don't know about it, this rarely rises. Unrealistic expectation about jet packs did do. We need to biology. Teachers now gives a. How folks do we need friends changes we Google translate. Well just shout louder. Do we need not seek Do any jokes
alike. Unlike need history, history, just people of caramel history to be bound to look at look at the countries that are happiest in the world places call New Zealand Denmark. Norway, Sweden, the what they'll go on absolutely nothing ever happens. The compared with the Middle EAST history shooting out of its air holes. Ban history. History teaches the worse than I don't mean everything was a no show. Do we need to do need to do. We need to do it until we need to do we need all teachers are well done. You painted a does Michelangelo, just give up so the only teachers we need in this country are drama teachers.
What is modules about start secondary school there's, one core skills she needs look at the way the world is evolving, the jobs market. That is, that is the court on seven years of nothing but drama teachers, because that is what she needs she needs be able when she leaves school. She needs the core ability to pretend that she is living a happy and fulfilled. working life and living in her own home. Now that is the most depressing joke. I've ever written to return to the news story people. Teacher ratios arisen since twenty thousand and ten. But how do you even say that number two thousand and ten two one million? Ninety thousand two hundred and ten, pupil teacher ratios have risen in the last few years, because student numbers have grown and teacher recruitment has failed to keep up new figures. Show research from the educational policy institute. Think tank lays bare the severity of England's teacher recruitment crisis with just one in five physics,
age is holding a relevant degree in some parts of the country. There is a move on by the government to write more romance novels and action movies, with hunky teachers as the lead, thing to spark a rush to schools similar to that experienced by the wizard industry, Post Harry Potter phenomenon. Until those books came out, magic was considered the domain of young men who couldn't to women at bodies? Look at it now in the other. Education news in China's school has removed chairs from its dining room to stop pupils sitting down at lunch, so they can get back to class more quickly to learn that is, a country that is laying is global domination cards very firmly on the table, then taking them off the table. saying: we've had our forty five allocated seconds on the table. Now we get lunch and get back in the classroom and other chinese school is just installed toilets instead of seats in all classrooms. To ensure that cause of nature do nothing.
With the national March that becoming the planets leading economic superpower. The w is terrified of China, not just economically but militarily as well. There was rumor, I read on the internet the other day that China has developed a secret million strong army, and this time they have not made the mistake of making them out of terra cotta. So who's the british government has proposed binding energy drinks for children I mean how the supposed to get a little busters up, but in the morning I mean you know in China the schools are just inject. Red Bull directly into their eyeballs. I mean how exposed big, competitive global race, yeah they're, proposing this band of energy drinks to under 16's amid concerns about high levels of sugar and caffeine and their impact on children's health and behavior, just one can of rockstar punched
I contain seventy eight grams of sugar. That is nearly twenty teaspoons. I mean what is the world sing to me with his nanny state bullshit. If children cannot be trusted to resist advertising, deliberately progress that vulnerable half formed minds, Well there are you, sugar intake who can be trusted. This wasn't in any state, even many didn't Mary Poppins, the first ninety to rise from the primordial soup sing that song about twenty teaspoons of Sugar Hill. Seeing the glee current and lactate and taurine go down. Did and she did allergy court right, super be doing what I'm love you. The jingle whose demonstrations in well So, are you excited by So you have a new prime minister. Congratulations so this is
This is the old one. This is a compliment any translating from Israeli, I always worry about saying over here, because in Australia they get offended. If you don't say it so, yes, twenty. Two years now there has been a leadership spill in Australia, which is a strategy is word for when a political parties dads is later in the back and replaces him with another soon to be backstab Patsy. Sorry, later This means Australia will not have managed to have a prime minister serve a full term since John Howard in nineteen. Ninety seven, the current political life span of it. The leader is about the same as a month with a candle fetish. Now that we were in be careful with our leaders before, as the tragic disappearance of Harold won't hold in a mysterious swimming accident, goes to show it wasn't a mysterious. He went swimming in the and then at some point in the swim we have to assume you decided to stop swimming.
As far as names go. Calling this a leadership spill feels a little bit accidentally could will see for something that is in a very concrete way deliberately restructuring in national leadership in calling it. A spill also feels a bit like rubbing alcohol rubbing in our current nasty drought situation that yeah Solyndra at the revolt against now former Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, began when Peter Dutton Fame potatoes faced Fanatic Home Affairs Minister and leader within the conservative faction of the Center Right Liberal Party, challenge to anvils leadership and lost a and then they tried again later in the week and Scott Marcin one. So and that's basically, what happened.
so I mean it's not interesting, it's a strale and how I mean how exciting it is for a country where absolutely call ever happens to check also turn so. Scott Morrison is the new the new prime minister and for those who don't know Scott Morrison, he is essentially a Kalahari of charisma, he's a christian fundamentalist who believes in the power of coal to save humanity, and he took a lump of coal into parliament last year and thus becoming the first serving MP to go into his national ledger.
The chamber, carrying a physical representation of his own soul. I mean people are asking now in the wake of this news, who is Scott Morrison and the important thing to remember about Scott Morrison, as you do not have to remember Scott Mars, and he will be gone within months to be replaced by another indistinguishable man in a suit with flexible ethics, an apostle for treachery. It's like the war of the roses except roses, one growing to strain your in this current draft structured, a fascinating country. Basically, when you look at the attitude towards immigration, australian rules, immigration very very soon, as australian Rules- football in that it is needlessly violent and occur actually, this by there being a colossal amount of space and and and it is and will always remain completely and utterly baffling to all outsiders.
This is Jenny continues to struggle with extreme drought. Large numbers of the museum been descending on an outback mining town in New South Wales. They are, closing only the kind of having birds can they not literally, sending as they Flightless They are more sort of charging in with their big wide Baksan, Beanpole Nixon very, very scary, feet, images, M user, scary thing. Andy they're very big, and they have the beautiful mad eyes of sociopathic murderers, with attention deficit, disorder and no natural predators. They cannot digest I food without eating rocks. So you know the hot these words at this. searching for food and water in broken hill, which is about five hundred and eighty miles west of Sydney, local animal rescue services say they actually walking down our main street, we're seeing mobs of them ABC News reports. Groups of emus have been seen running, laps of the main street eating gardens and gatecrash.
Football matches, Ms Singleton, who works for the rescue and read about the location of australian native animals, says we've had fourteen on a sporting oval they've been out there for weeks, the locals in the area giving them food and water full full team people on the cricket pitch for weeks? That's just a cricket match in the eighth inning is Amy's on a football pitch. but here what you want to hear and the only way to get through life I mean all the same. You is still is fun and games till someone done an emu war. Baby Walker, yeah Great EMU, war of nineteen. Thirty two wins designed with Louis guns, tried to curb a local emu population in in western Australia. It looks like a music trying to get in on the current popular wave of public things. Looking to return to 1930s political stances,
move on to all people features this week, festivals since we're here at a festival, Alice, URL Festival, festivals, correspondent, the bugle you have a gun. A survival guide. Full festival goes for yeah how to blend in at a music festival. If you don't really feel like you fit in and out, for example, a comedian hi. This is that these are just tips for you go go forth and use them make for with the stranger with a wide smile and no egregious geass headgear, I sensed any kind of hat as an adjunct. two, rather than a replacement for a personality, find somebody you it's like that here for the music and only a little bit of drugs. This will be your safety officer. They will be fully closed, Clothes that are recognizable as clothes, this will disting. Them from any other festival. Attendees.
follow the wise stranger to a tent of their choosing. You want like the music. This is correct if you find your self, enjoying the music move on it's not cool anymore. The toilets at the festival will only be the main for five minutes at the beginning of each day by ten plus nine in the morning, they will be feted reeking help. It's cause it in the toxic effluvium drug addled strange's eating on, for me We have food in unsanitary conditions if you cannot make it to the toilet, since I that five minute window hold everything in until you explode. shallow facilities will be sub human freezing in located in a remote area accessible only by a people entirely by murderous. You should not use Nobody will notice that you smell until you're back in civilization and people start flinching away from you, like the dusty filthy, glitter strewn monster, you have become what will be welcome hello, everyone that everyone to I'm sorry.
a lot of doing the this vessel. The end of the road is my third time here and is the festival of motions night most accurately reflects the providing state of my career so ago was gonna. Have a quick look at some of the other? festivals that you might like to try. Indiana in twenty nineteen include lullaby loser? well, it's most sleep inducing music festival. There are twelve music stages with uh lobby beast is around including sleepy Joe might not as Nosey in the gym jams, ANZAC Aromas, e catcher call's wearing your pyjamas under your shirt right now. Is our little secret Alice, it's cold, I'm forty three Chicken slam. Nineteen, the world's leading chicken criticizing festival featuring all of the world's leading chickens. Skeptics keynote speech from professor did risk Rochel from the University of Non switches on at the logical reassessment unit. But the speech chickens are Eagles walk dog turns out to Davinci
so the on Erotica Festival, two thousand and nineteen festival of the Unerotic, some victorian style, undergarments and music stage, line by rock legends warlocks of chastity playing. All the hits went platinum selling album, not my thing, including so damn hot babe. But I'd rather do the crossword hello the a little bit of please but dressing gown back on your embarrassing Maine and it's a bit discussed. objectively, plus there def leopard, plus their death open inspired, pour some sugar in my teeth and Coachella in which you can queue up to receive rugby coaching tips on the Australian Rugby League, Markella. I know because also the gurning man festival,
a one hundred thousand people gather in the desert the tools? Eighty three year old Albert from gets series of weird faces. We I would, if it's all green, I think we are about I'm the right, Now for people who don't know their people, this may seem rude, but it's actually cure recently a sort of affection or is it uhm? I do have time for a quick qa. Which is my favorite of the smurf movies. How to how to decide. I mean Jesus, I mean it really put me on this I mean the whichever one ended. The front choice of
I don't know if it's possible to choose your favorite smurf. Well, it's about choosing a favorite form of beheading is no long term. Bugle funds owned by another. Sometimes they're all puns in in the vehicle, but I've been trying to wean myself off them by instead reading major works of russian literature,
and I had well got into it through a friend who's obsessed with major russian literary figures, and he was telling me some amazingly poor, some some of these russian rate on his favorite 20th century russian writer had so little money had to wear his shoes, a hat in the winter, but yeah the infestation in his hair was then got right into the depths of his footwear. I said what is sold seven, it's in so proud, and we inherited this love of russian literature from his dad sister, a world expert in russian letter. She was on telly one day. In fact, talking about it constantly again, my friend had a tickly throat problem. His doctor told him to monitor every hour. He didn't I forgot either to watch is on the telly or to take his medicine. So he wrote myself a memo Anton Chekov, but turn out was a psychological problem. He had his shrink told him to make a list of everything he was afraid of. There are four things he was most afraid of cycle
aces around fronts. Powdery stuff of any full hot drinks might point fusing, leaves and implements we're going down the snowy slope that way too much he wrote down. I fit told the T heavy scape feel it'll. Just have sleep well I mean for effort, if not achievement, surely I mean well overall, contractually obliged time this is. If you look at the shocking some of these possible move completely goggle Eyed How come when I was. I was wrong. Okay, I'm going off to and not a coffee, not not under anyone, but my friend was he was very upset. Actually that was they used to. He was born on the twenty fifth of July. He was most upset. They used to be a a tax on people born between the twenty third of July. The twenty second of August Andy was hoping of government. Would what would remove? That's actually said some other didn't happen on that, because it breaks initial kambli. They let LEO Tolstoy
the it's also in these people hysteria I've never seen I've, never seen a Morse Terry audience. I think we've. I think we've reached maximum Gorky right I can't believe you did tell me rail. I can only apologize for the lost many of the show I'll bring this the end of the people Chris. Any further housekeeping deny could not. Thank you very much from this has been. I will admit I weird gig ought to yeah a delightful crowd. It has been quite olds doing. I think he topical pulled cost, in a wealth communing with nature, with some lights that appear to have a mind of their own. people who are now thinking earnestly about bedtime and when they're going to cook bacon in the morning. So thank you very much for For staying up and joining us here
so for Alex Fraser Press the producer are bananas also, and thank you for listening to the view, while until next time, goodbye