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586: Guarding Grandpa from a Grubby Grift | Feedback Friday

2021-11-12 | 🔗

Your grandpa is allowed to cope with the grief of recently losing your grandma in any way he sees fit, but you're concerned that the young woman he's about to marry is part of a larger plot to grift him out of his life savings. What can you do to protect him? This and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/586

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • How can you guard your grandpa against what seems to be a classic young woman marrying an older man for his life savings grift? [Once again, thanks to Corbin Payne (aka C-Payne) for helping us with this one!]
  • You've caught wind that your father is preparing to file for a divorce from your mother, but you're not sure if she even knows yet. What's the best way to be supportive of her if this comes to pass?
  • You've only been working for your "real" employer for a month, but your side hustle is far more profitable, enjoyable, and fulfilling. So how do you jettison the day job so soon after accepting it without feeling like a jerk?
  • You've been out of the dating scene for a while and the whole thing can tug at your insecurities, but how do you avoid sabotaging a new relationship with your tendency to be too clingy?
  • Since you were bullied early on, you've never really been the "school" type, but you know getting a higher education gives your future path a wider set of options. How can you summon the motivation to go back to school?
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.

Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Special thanks to our sponsor Glenfern single malt scotch whisky. You have heard me talk endlessly about lymphatic recently, the challenging the traditional notions portrayed in culture of what it means to be wealthy and live a life of riches. Glenfern believes on the material, a life of wealth and riches about family community values fulfilling work. I agree with that. These are the valley, that lead Glenfern to become the world's leading single malt scotch whisky on Feedback Friday, where I was trying to help them problems that get in the way of you live in your richest life more from our partners at Glenfern. Come on up later in the show where the feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback Friday produced through the dash of Alma milk and our weekly advice. Maki Otto Gabriel miserably on the Jordan Harbinger, show we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to end your own life and those around you. We want to you see the matrix when it
as to how amazing people thinking behave in our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. A deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what really happy even inside your own mind if you're, due to the show on Fridays. We give advice to you an answer. Listener questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks, spies, Theo's athletes, authors thinkers, performers, This week we had Anderson Cooper on his career path on the current state of the media. Interesting guy really interesting. I even if you don't agree with his politics and alive, you. Don't I'm sure we'll said TIM Snyder on the road to tyranny, and authoritarianism it can happen. Here is one of the I suggest that he wants to get across me outlines some of how this has happened elsewhere in other countries and other points in time, and what to look out or in a way, that's not as depressing as it might sound. I also right
resale, often on the blog, my latest posts. Looking back on the worst chapter of my life for years on. This piece is all about the insights and the lessons that, learned what I had to leave my old company and rebuild the show that you're listening to right now from scratch it's all about how to use the skills and relationships and other assets at your disposal how to survive a huge professional blow and coming but even stronger. It was very cathartic for me to write this these, but I really also tried to extract general Prince for anyone whose feeling lost or struggling or navigating a major change, personal or professional, to check that out. You can find that article in all of our articles, by the way at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash articles So maybe we have had a look analyse into everything we created for you here this week. Don't we get a funny email from a listener this week gave you wanna shutters with us sure as somebody wrote in, and he rode I'm sure you got tons of me
Oh and may not remember me, but I must say to you on Facebook earlier this year, because my artistic son decided to whisper in my ear, a line that he had heard from one of your feedback. Friday episodes the line was: don't eat the fucking banana bread, which has apparent ears, votes, did your kids not to swear, but damn at all the hell? That was the funniest thing he said by a long shot. It's to the point where, if I have to tell him not to do something, he asks me to say it like Jordan, armature and I have to drop the F bomb and we laughed great. So that's the sort of difference, you're making and people's lives grace we taught in artistic child to draw F bombs, improve the world one child in a timely? That's what we're doing using live on believable! Yes, play, Jordan Harbinger and that means dropping enough bomb in the middle of a sentence where its inappropriate to do so great in it could have been any law
from any feedback Friday, and it was that one. That's a reminder, the classic. I guess so. God knows what contacts I would have said: don't eat the fucking banana bread, here's my guess is over there. I think it was on an up a suit where you were talking about like people go two, are recruiting event or something or being around hiring managers, and they serve something at the event in your like. Don't eat the fuckin banana bread? yeah go near the third, I think that's what it was, but I don't know for sure, because I think it might have been before my time even now like when you go to one of those open houses they have cupcakes and cookies, and it's like Jen her. How shopping we'd go in there be always like grow. She no day old or to day old, save, maybe even longer old, safe way, cupcakes that look like dry, crusty the cookies just look disgusting and in that, like cheap plastic container, and I go straight for engines- I don't do, because it's like cheap ingredients, garbage sugar and calories and, unlike yeah, let me get a cup
and a cookie and they'll go ahead. It's just so nasty, so you don't eat the banana bread though I would love. I love banana bread. I mean, unless you are preaching the gospel of like you, dieters and yes, Buzz, but that seems unlikely hell speaking a banana bread. This is the last aside before we start folks and I swear I went to this Airbus and be a long time ago back and allay and there's a woman there and she's like what do you do and I was like go? It's do not a pike ass issues like I'm, not that old cause they're like each other in their sixties or whatever she's like. What's it called, and I was like: oh it's, the Jordan harbinger drew when she goes. I listen to that end. No way really and we started talking about. It- has Jen books, the area bees. Are she hadn't seen my name on their anything? And you know it's like this mess oh units or like we should stay here against the next time. I go back. I go back and I stated that Airbus and be in theirs banana bread on the counter- and I was like hey- can I eat doesn't she's like I baked it for you, because I heard that you like banana bread on the pod cast way. Sir, is the same
reference. I don't you think they'll, because why? What I have said, don't eat it when I'm definitely gonna eat that entire loaf of banana bread. Every time I go to that area in Vienna a forger way unless the reference year making those you're saying I love banana bread dont get near by been ethelbert, don't you fourteen billion children. I forget. Animal aid is more like it yet that's possible because that might be words from sight Gonna be like all. Let me take aphorism, I don't even think about it. I'll give you whatever you won't, be an aim. I been out ogre, possibly bastards, I would share that with her. I don't know either way, I'm really thankful for all of the IMF I've had understood but at a bread that woman big, May. The Serbian, because she heard about on the broadcast art gave what's the first thing out of the mail bag: Hey Jordan, Agape migrants Other passed away last year and my grandfather has been dealing with an immense amount of grief and loneliness since losing his partner of over sixty years an earlier this year? He mentioned the idea of re. He said he wanted to marry him.
who could act as a partner and caregiver as he approaches ninety years old? He also mentioned it would be a way to not let his survivors benefits from the military go to waste and for him to stop driving regional. my Father travel down to California, with his three siblings to meet my grandfather's new fiance. This woman is nearly thirty years younger than he is, she doesn't drive and she doesn't speak English. I dont understand how she could possibly be a good caregiver or advocate for my grandfather, my dad and siblings, expressed their concern to which my grandfather said something along the lines of she's, very poor, as if this were some sort of white knight situation. On top of this, after my father, Mr Blinks met the woman and her daughter to discuss the situation? My grandfather's barber called my grandfather speaking into garlic and said something to the effect
of your children are interfering. My family is committed to keeping my grandfather as safe as possible, helping him get aid Tugela speaking attorney, to draw up a green up and whatever other paper work is needed to protect him. My concern is that he outright said that he was going to marry this woman, no matter what and that he could fire the lawyer or nullify the preen up. I'm trying to encourage my onto lives close by to advocate to become his power of attorney as she has for his medical decisions, but I am unsure just how far that actually extends about a total loss. Your. How do I help what should I do signed guarding Grandpa from a grubby drift? This does not sound good. I'm gettin some bury the Swami vibes from this question. I mean it could be innocent, I don't know man, I had the same thought bear the Swami Good, albeit one that was that call,
quote guru who is moving on those sisters mom a few months back, if you guys are interested episode, five, four, seven by the way. Actually, I gotta tell you, Sir, and this also reminds me of something that happened to my friends grandfather years ago, so here quick story. Basically, he was a lonely widower. Just like this guy and one day he gets a call on the phone and his house from a stranger, a woman they start chatting. Early. They got along very well and then she kept calling him like every day, multiple times a day for months and months, and they just sort of struck up a friendship for relationship, and then they finally met in person, but only a handful of times then a couple years later he died. My friends grandfather died, so my friend and her family went to Northern California, to have the funeral and pack up the house, sort out his affairs and when they go through all the stuff, they realise that all of his money is gone.
Not an insignificant amount of money. Like hundreds of thousands of dollars, he had socked away over the years just disappeared, and then they find paperwork for, if I recall correctly, to different car leases in his dust or one of them, I think was like a super ice escalate or something like that with some random person's name on it. But there's no escalated. The driveway they ve never seen this car and then they also found a receipt for a p o box at this random little ethnic grocery store in its neighbourhood, which they can make heads or tails Evan they're. Just like what is going on here. Start looking into the last name of the car lease, and I can't remember how they finally pieced it all together, but they finally figured out that this woman could have been calling him with some kind of traveling con artist and she and her family had this exact same Congo, with tons of elderly people in the Bay area, and she had convinced my friends grandfather that they were in love and they were going to be together and he at least the cars, for I think it was her son and her brother so
then my friend it or family. They go down to the market where the p o boxes and they realise that that was where she had him dropping checks for her every week. So she D actually have to see him person and they went around to like the clerks and the manager of the store, and there are like do you know. What's going on wise, there appear like what's the deal and none other people at the store would give my friends family any information like pages stonewalled them and got really awkward into this day, my friends family still suspects that these managers are connected, The con artists in some way or maybe they're related, are there in the same ringer. Maybe they were being paid off. I don't know, and apparently the police would investigate the hourly, do anything about it and eventually the family just gave up into a sort of let it rest there. But yet this kind of stuff happens all the time. I'm not seeing this story turn out as badly as that or even that. That's what's really on here about an hour. It's definitely pretty us here. That is crazy. Emanates super says this. Nine year old man loses the love of his life. In this case right, lucid love of his life he's obviously very
lonely within a year is engaged to woman thirty years younger than he is with no useful, caretaking skills which also like that sucks and when is found start asking questions. It gets a call from a barber saying that is kids. Fearing so this woman, she's. Obviously like back channeling with the barber I mean to me: what do you think this is very weird? The whole thing is weird: that's what it sounds like some either back channeling, which is actually sort of funny, goes just the idea that those guys Barbara Friggin, Fantastic SAM's, gallon I'm going to tell the scales here, but it's also kind of scared out via that is barber. Yet do every trusted your hair cut? That's it. You take marital advice from, but it's also scary to think that is. Barber might be at our no Loki colluding with this woman and her family to lean on this old man to marry her. Yet its manipulative maybe even bordering on some kind of like vague elder abuse situation. I'm not sure if there's a lobbying broken here, but this definitely doesn't sound. Like it's on the up and up so I get why you're concerned here. This is sketchy at best exploitative at worst. We also.
An expert opinion on your situation here, so we consulted, of course, with the one and only carbon pain, defence attorney and friend, of the show. Corbians first react was very similar to ours, he's zeroed on the loneliness factor too, and he was even more concerned about the barber thing. In fact, carbon said that if this barber is actively promoting this effort, income, with this woman or her family. You might a situation where people are colluding and there might be, criminal prosecution options on the table. Now he wasn't a hundred percent sure, if that's the case, but he was can and when he heard that details you're not crazy to be worried about that. Although I will say this in I'm cultures there just tight knit ok now, you know Taiwanese sort ex pat immigrant communities somebody's. Tight knit they have aunties and uncles meddling in everyone's business. All the time for police could be less organised con job operation whatever and more like people got nothing else to do, need to minor business kind of situation and the like. Oh my niece, who still lives.
receives or just moved here, is like helpless and broke, but nice she'll Mary, this older guy, in like she's kind of old, no one's gonna marry her he's really old, she'll sorted take care of him until he dies and then showed us inherit. The house, and it could be kind alike, add in harmless, as opposed to like we're gonna milk, this guy, but that's his mighty, send sadly Corbett said there aren't many options for forcing your grandfather did not get married, he's not sure about. for of attorney would be enough to stop him anyway. It might, but you and your family would need to and sought with an attorney in your area. Carbon also said you might want to strongly consider getting it can our ship, over your grandfather, we ve talked about concerned ships on the show before carbons, not always in favour of them. Neither are we hashtag free, Brittany, their expensive and onerous difficult and it can get problematic. But in a situation like this, this is when you think about getting one of those concerned, That is your grandfather's age. His apparent recklessness in making personal decisions at this point in court his view. They end
eight, the need to appoint someone to manage his affairs, but again you would need to consult and attorney about but how that would work and whether its even possible shorter, that, though court that's some good ideas to make sure your grandfather's being taken care of. First of all, you should, look into his military benefits. They might allow him to get some caretaker assistance. I'd look into is insurance to see what that covers. Medicare, for example, sometimes help pay for home healthcare services. including parttime caregivers. I can't imagine it's amazing- is in your house, twenty four seven, but he might be able to have people come over a few times a week check on him help with stuff around the House Maybe they bring him groceries. Take him to run errands, which is more than this woman seems like she could do if you can't drive. If you can't speak the language, she doesn't sound willing from your letter to do much of anything in addition to caretakers Corbin, also when researching organizations that do elderly visits, if he's got some and in law sir, twice a week just watch a little
Ball or the news or Matlock or whatever you know now. That could help with the loneliness factor that route you gonna, be the deciding factor honestly, it could make him feel more comfortable yeah, give him some contact or somebody's or is not looking for it. somebody might not just as desperate. Do you not just desperate for humankind? Yes, but honestly, the best You guys can do for your grandfather. Right now is stay close with them. Make him feel loved, supported, listen to because this feeling of loneliness- and of being unloved, maybe even in his old age of being unwanted, that's gotta be driving. This whole merits thing. The more you guys can meet his need for love and companionship. The less I think, he's gonna, look to this random woman to save him and it sounds like you guys, are already very involved with his life, which I think is great, but he needs to really see and feel that consistently and while you do that, I would also keep encouraging them to consider whether he needs to actually Mary this woman? If this were my grandfather, I would probably telling him look grandpa if you like her
spend time with her enjoy your company. But why do you have to marry this person? I would probably tell him you know: wait. Six months before you make a decision see if you really like being with her, and then if she bounces after a couple months, because she realizes that should not gonna get path is true. Rebounds or whatever he'll know that doesn't really there for the right reasons and then, hopefully this problem will resolve itself, but if he insists on meringue this woman, which sadly he might and yes helping him, get it to go like speaking attorney, dropper preen up, whatever else would protect them. That is super smart, also pride. The best thing you could be doing for him yeah, the only problem with prenups ups man, is that both parties, at least in California, that's how works everywhere, but both parties need a lawyer. So here have to hire a lawyer for her, because what they dont want, some wealthy, powerful guy being like hey, so your gonna get anything in the other parties like ok, I'm talking to three lawyers and about to get married so like whatever they have to be rapporteur
in that, so you end up negotiating against somebody that you're paying to negotiate against you and then usually they agree on something. That's not you get nothing! it's not as easy as being like all. I have this page that you sign that says you don't get squat thanks is complex and expensive. I'm sorry this is happening to you guys. I really feel for you and for your grandfather. The duties lonely he's, obviously in need of love and companionship, so I hope he finds it from you guys and from professionals not from some? possibly Loki Drifter, whose in cahoots with hair stylist at super cuts to get her hands on a nineteen year old money or so Britain, for you, guys take care of yourself, take care of your grandpa and good luck. You can reach us fright. at Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, try to use a descriptive subject line tell us where you are, if there's some you're going through big decision, your wrestling with or if you need a new perspective on life, love work. What to do if you ve fallen in love with you STAR employee that one from last week is entered, sets intense, whatever's guy.
Stand up at night lately, hit us up Friday at Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom, we're here to help. We keep every email anonymous here think, to feed back Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger, show we'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by by optimizing who doesn't like free stuff by optimize was blue Friday deal starts now and along with huge discounts all month long. There also giving way two hundred bucks worth of free gifts, the entire month of November you'll save up to twenty five percent on by optimized best in class products. Now is the best time to stock up on their backs, telling magnesium breakthrough, which helps Jens leg. Crampton sleep. They ve never offered a discounters biggest One make sure you place your order by midnight, Tuesday November thirtieth. You can only get this exclusive deal through our special link when you
fine on Amazon or even the buy up the miser website go. Do mag breakthrough dot com, Slash, Jordan and Use Co. Jordan tend to get your special discount and free gifts today get a full refund up to one year after your purchase. No questions asked again: mag breakthrough dot com, Sash Jordan, with CO, Jordan. Ten! Do it now, while supplies last and don't miss the November thirtieth deadline, This episode is also sponsored by better help online therapy. I recommend therapy all the time, because I've seen a therapist its help me tremendously. I know a ton of others should do as well is always good for you going to therapies peeling the layers of an onion each layer represents some conflict or issue to be explored with the therapist appeal, one layer and the next, and each time you work in a different thing. Any move on. We get our cars serviced to prevent Your issues down the road going to therapy is routine maintenance on your mental and emotional wellness going to therapy. It does mean broken, does mean something wrong with you. It means you are investing in yourself to keep your mind healthy, better help is customized alma. They are beat it offers videophone even live chat sessions with your therapists. You want to see anyone,
however, if you dont want do it's much more affordable than in person, there be, and you can start communicating with your therapist in under forty eight hours, why invite Then everything else and not your mind and our listeners get ten percent off your first month of online therapy at better help dot com slashed Jordan visit Better H e LP, dot com, sash, Jordan and Joint over a million people have taken charge of the mental health with the help of an experienced better health professional thanks for losing in supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going who doesn't love some good products and or services always visit Jordan, harbinger dot com slice deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to feedback for on the Jordan Harbinger, show our next up hello, Jordan and gave my dad called my sister recently to say that he was going to sign our family house over to my mother and that he will keep the It house in his name, my dad, is a very cryptic person and reading between the lines. I see this as I am preparing to file for divorce. We have
my mom about this phone call, as we don't know how to address the issue with her, my dad will absolutely be fine on his own. He has friends, he has Hobbes and he actually drives to our beetles every week, just to escape my mom and her extreme politics and racist beliefs my mom. On the other hand, she has zero Hobbes, zero friends, will happily stay at home and watch tv all day, not exercising. She is how an amazing mother and grandmother swallowed the grandchildren who absolutely love and a door her. How can I support my mom through a potential divorce when she does little to help yourself signed a loyal daughter, treading these family waters wow. This is very interesting. Family, not in terms of the way they operate, like your dad, signalling that he's trying to separate by moving assets around, but just in terms of how response the boy you feel for your mom, which I think that sweet your concern, better, even though you clearly don't agree with her world view, you wanted to be happy
and healthy you sound like a good daughter, but there's also, I mean that's a lot for you to take on too feel like you need to protect and empower your mom when she doesn't even do that for herself. That said, if your day, is making moves that could compromise your mom or blind side. Her he's letting you and your sister and on that information, but not her? That puts you guys in a very difficult spot nyjord. between keeping his secret and taken care of your mom, which sucks the fact that your Mama's, great mom and grandmother in that everyone. the family, loves her. That makes things even worse, so yeah. This is a tough one. I'm not saying that's what's happening That's what it sounds like from the letter. So what do you do? Do you Tipp mom off what mom and dad sort this out on their own and stay out of it. Well, not sure there's an ideal outcome either way. If you Tipp mom off that dad my hanging onto the house and falling for divorce. You risk court, what betraying dad, although to be fair, it doesn't sound like you you and your sister to keep it a secret or anything. So maybe you wouldn't really be betraying in its also not clear
that telling mom what's going on would affect him very much. If you it has already made his moves with these properties in a word hey scenario, he just be mad at you. If you keep dead secret, you stay out of it, though, then you risk putting mom at a disadvantage, and she might feel that Europe Implicit, lying with dad against her by not giving her a heads up so, on the other hand, their divorce, their assets, how they feel about each other through their business, it's ultimately between them. So I think does come down to a few things, one, how you in your Mr View, your loyalty to your mom and dad what kind of relation ship you want to have with them and to whether you feel what your dad is doing is simply self interested or is it actually unfair and three weather dad is doing is going to put moment a really precarious position by moving these assets around. For what role do you think you should have in their divorce? If any of these are pretty personal quest,
and I'm not sure I could answer them better than you two could. But I do think these are the right questions to ask do you think? There's one potential solution to this problem, which is to encourage your dad to talk to your mom? I know you, cities cryptic and probably a great communication, but if you can explain it and that is putting you in a very difficult position having to essentially pick sides. He might relay. Studies being unfair to you as well, and what moves he's making, they are good at it, ACT mom emotionally financially, and it's just not fare of him to be keeping it a secret too soon, He tells your mom what he plans to do the better. So I would try to get here Did you talk to her before you do, but if he dragged feed on that, then you guys off side. Whether you have an obligation to tell your mom what's goin on anyway, which, let's be fairer, is a very tight, call to make either way they upset one of their parents, but hopefully they can convince dad too just step up into the right thing here and say: what's really going on. As for the larger question, how can you support your mom through this divorce when she seems to do so little
Albert Self. I think you ve in a way already sort of answer that question. This is her marriage. This is her life. Ultimately, she has to be the one to take it on herself decide how to respond to this divorce. How to take care of else going forward. Your role here is really to be a supportive daughter, a good friend who can help your mom help yourself, but not necessarily to force your mom to be a different kind of person. So when you do spend time with her. Maybe you can say a mom. You know you seem a little down. You seem a little board, but what, if you took up a hobby here? What, if you invited so and so to lunch? What a few went for a long walk morning. I think you could really use that right now. You know sort of like encourage a nudge her to do the things that you know what help her out and maybe even do some of those things with her can encourage her to get into it or maybe you combine, I don't know I'll, be your work out our social visit with her family, maybe with grandkids, so she starts to re, engage with life through them. You know like go in for high with all family or teaching her grandkids outer crochet or whatever she's into you can be a cheer later. You can
model for her, you can show her a different way of showing up for her life, but if she does not want to do that if you listen to feed back right irregularly than you know that this is something of a theme here on the show. Then you do have to accept that this is just how your mom wants to leave her life. At that point, it's all about recognising the limit of your influence in this situation. The limit really of your responsibility for your mom, happiness that's the crucial boundary agree. One hundred percent, of course I am all for her helping our mom, find new Hobbes, take care of herself all that, but she can't live moms lay for and you can't turn mom into a different kind of person overnight. None of her own anyway. Mom has to want to do that. So good luck. I hope you can find a way to be there for your mom our feeling entirely responsible for her and hopefully without getting caught between your parents, they need to sort this out. between the two of them you and your sister, Ideally you guys are a good source of support and love, not family therapists or a collateral damage to send any good thoughts. Good luck by the way, if you
joining us for the first time or you want to tell your friends about the showing you're, not sure where to start episode, starter packs or the place to do it. These are collections of popular episodes organised by topic, tat new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show just visit Jordan harbinger, dotcom, slash, start to get started, and now these are Spotify playlists gave wish, probably know this. You can find them in Spotify We basically took all the starter, packs and turn them into playlists that are on Spotify and there on our website, and I think you can click them on your phone and or on your desktop and Spotify Lil, just pop right, open and then you can bookmark him and play them all repeatedly, but that's sweet sweet ad dollars. Alright, next up, Hey Jordan, again I was unemployed for most of twenty twenty. Due to the pandie, I lost two jobs and my wife divorced me. Needless to say,
two thousand and twenty sucked. During that time, though, an old friend reached out to see if I could help him with his recruiting business, I was happy to help, but business was slow. So I found something in the medical device field. It wasn't my passion, but it did help pay the bills. Since the recruiting business was slow, I figured I could do both jobs and if one of them took off, I would quit the other. now the recruiting business has taken off. I have more job orders than I can handle and I put over twenty thousand dollars in my pocket in one month alone, my friend says he has never been busier and has a lot more work for me. I predict that I could make two hundred thousand dollars by the end of the year. The best part is that this is really a forum for me into partnering with the sky in the future. I cannot in good conscience, dedicate myself to both jobs, but I feel extremely guilty quitting the medical supply business of soon. How do I quit his job after a month? I know I need to do this or resume, but how do I
The message signed, jumping ship to stack my chips. Well, first of all, I'm sorry you had such a rough two thousand and twenty in losing two jobs. Getting divorced. That's a lot in one year, but it sounds like you made it through. you took a job. You didn't love, but you needed to survive, which was the right thing to do for sure, and now you ve landed in a pretty amazing position. So I'm proud of you for that. But now you see oh guilty about having to choose, and that makes sense. You sound like a thoughtful person and thoughtful people. of an agonize over decisions like this here's the thing now this recruiting job, it's obviously the better opportunity the money is too big to ignore your. What within your right to take it over the medical device. Gig you It be letting down your medical bosses and it's obviously not ideal or to leave after a month, but sometimes it happens, you can't give up, hundred thousand dollars or more this year. Just because you don't want to hurt these people's feelings. You just can't do that. That said, there is a better and a worse way to leave a job. So here's how we handle it, I would happen
Call with your bosses or, at the very least write them an email and tell them. You have some NEWS to share its, not Superfund news. You're. Sorry, Tell em, but you want to be up front. You ve been offered, other job that offers significantly more money and that its more in line with your goals. Right now, and then after careful consideration you ve decided to take it, and here's were I'd. Maybe a little white lie, lie of omission just to make it go down a little easier. I probably wouldn't tell them that you ve been juggling. The two jobs this whole time waiting to see which one would pan out. Just that this other opportunity has presented itself and you want to pursue it because it it doesn't materially changed the situation. I don't think you, oh these people every day a little detail of it, just the ones that are relevant to them. There I'd tell your boss that you're very sorry for leaving after a month and that you didn't intend for things to play out this way and that you're, You were grateful for the opportunity and then I would offer to help make the transition a seamless is possible either
helping them search for your replacement, or training that person when they come on board or wrapping up whatever you are working on an enhanced off smoothly, you probably done oh that more than two weeks your time is special. since you are only there for a month, but you can definitely make those two weeks as collaborative as possible, which always a good policy on your way out the door. Yes, solid, advice, Jordan and hey here's, a fun idea that just occurred to me sincere recruiter. Now what? If you use your experience with this company to scout talent in the medical device industry, you could prove that you're a great critter, by helping your old employer, find your replacement and then you can head up HR after you leave and say: hey you, I'm glad. I can help you guys out. This is actually what I do know I find amazing candidates for companies. Tell. Could you guys guys some more help, finding other good candidates? You have something like that and Bam just like that, you ve brought a new account,
and your company you're up in your commissions, you're proving your worth, and then maybe you could use this account to sign even more companies in the medical device field and that could become one of your specialties. You know you could like a bad that as one of your verticals in the recruiting business kind of exciting and actually a pretty cool way to turn an awkward situation into a maze when for everybody. I like liked aim. I think if we can pull that off, would be amazing, maybe get a hook up on the recruiting fee, just a good way to hold up? A little, but also make it an even bigger win in lighten the burden on them. A little so I say, go for man chase the new job. Don't look back. It sounds like them me and the future opportunities are really exciting to you, which is great to be helpful issues on your way out and then go get your bag bra! Good luck! All right! What's next, hey Jordan! Gabe! I recently divorce, my wife of six years I've been out of the dating game for a while and I'm finding that it's hard to try and figure out another woman. I also struggle a lot with feeling loved
started dating a girl a little over two months ago, but we ve known each other for over two years when we first started sitting? We were in the best honeymoon phase filled with gestures of affection and communication of our love, but I find myself being a little too clingy constantly checking up on her getting upset if she leaves the house without telling me getting worked up. If she doesn't text me back fast enough stuff like that, I try so hard to not be this way, but I keep falling back into the same pattern. Should I have an honest talk with her? Should I trust her more? How do I change sign heckling each up in this cringing trap great question, and I appreciate your openness and self awareness about all this. I know it can be halted, talk about, first of all, sorry to hear about the divorce. That is a huge adjustment, but can go that's on finding a woman that you really love, I'm sure its bringing up all sorts of stuff, including this clingy pattern, but it also an excellent opportunity, you to work on that exact thing. So how do you rewrite a pattern like this, especially since the clinging stuff
by the way, a great way to scare off healthy partners who don't want to be around that for too long. If you don't address it, will you really do? have to go back to the source early relationships and the experiences dad mom specially mom, said brings childhood and the only place you really do that is in therapy. This is gonna, be a process of uncovering old material, identifying the roots of this impulse, to check up on your girlfriend to get angry when she doesn't respond right away. I obviously don't but what those are, but I can promise you that they reflect old wounds in needs that you how will we haven't fully appreciated yet and once you do you'll start to understand, Why you respond to your girlfriend in these ways and then hopefully, overtime just learn how to respond differently. My recommendation find a therapist who works psycho dynamically. Someone who focus on childhood and relational issues, not that other disciplines couldn't be.
maybe there are some cognitive behavioral approaches that would help you refrain some of the thoughts you're having, but in your case, getting deep going way back. That's where find the goal that are going to find the most growth and the most relief from the problems that you're describing yes completely Jordan, there's so much for him to explore. Thereupon, including that of course, and also the struggle to feel loved in general, as he put it so yeah get these to a therapist office as a b as further questions. Should you have an honest talk with your girlfriend? Definitely I don't You can go wrong by communicating with her openly, but when you bring this up with her, I would focus more on your experience. You know maybe frame it as when you do these things, I'm noticing that is making me want to respond in this way. I have this weird feeling, like I can't trust you are I'm very worried about you or I am concerned that, if we're not constantly in touch that something's wrong or you might leave me for some
the reason. I know that's my stuff and it's something I want to work on, but I just wanted to talk about it with you. In other words, I would be very careful here about not putting any of this behaviour on your girlfriend or suddenly asking her to change, so that you can feel more secure. The goal and bringing it up with her in a conversation would be to let her in on what you are going through, what you're feeling and maybe invite her tell you figure this out together. Should you trust her more probably yeah? It doesn't but she's done anything wrong here, but I'm guessing it's not as simple as just telling yourself to trust or more. There is probably a voice in your head. That's going if she's not tax to be back. She must with another guy or as she's, not telling me where she has every second of the day. She must not care about me. You know that's the stuff. You really do need to go to thoroughly to unpack, so short, trust, your role friend, but, more importantly, trust that there is another way to interpret your girlfriend's actions and also trust yourself, that you can work on the south and get better. And if
when you go to their be, maybe you can bring her with you at some point, or maybe you guys go to couples counselling. That way, you guys can both work on this pattern and hopefully understand how this pattern develops between the two of you, because, as with any couple, your stuff is almost certainly hooking into her stuff, whatever that is, and that's what creates a dynamic like this, you know your normal secure is to know whether this clinging as thing whether that showed up in his marriage or maybe contributed to the divorce in some way, I think, there's a dead some chance that it did and if it did than he has even more reason to work on it now, because then it's really a theme that keeps occurring in every intimate relationship similarly in luck, even if it's not even if this is new, you still need to get clear on. Why are having these reactions to your girl friend, where they come from? Why you struggle with feeling loved all these things, as you put it, there's? No, hills in a coffin. You wanna be happy. You want to make this one work you scare away, so I hope you
to do that? The fact that you are aware of all this, though you're willing to talk about it. That's a huge step forward. Bring all of this to a professional, throw yourself in therapy try to get to the origins of the pattern. If you do that, I think you'll be able to process these feelings differently and probably the act differently, even in the moment hopeful he'll be able to release some of the ideas, actions, feelings that are unhelpful and building even Our relationship with your girlfriend till you got this man. Good luck, it's possible! This is always existed most likely, but even if its, it might have been like at ten percent before and now it's like up at eighty percent, because the relationship triggered summit is traumas. of an, maybe it wasn't a deciding factor in a previous relationship it now it's going to get worse. This is the kind of thing if you don't address, it's gonna get worse over time and also people's patients for this kind of stuff. It doesn't last that long. You know it's like ours,
an acute is clean and it's like ok, you're, clean you get your stuff together and then it's. Why are you doing anything about this and then it's I'm out? We know I can't deal with this. Its stifling, so the fact that he is aware that I think now it's just like open that steam valve figure it out, you'll be fine. this is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back. This episode, sponsored in part by Glenn Physic Glenfern, break from the single Scotch Whisky Norman, helps redefine what it means to be rich. It's easy to get bogged down in material success when the currency of the new is getting more time and enjoyment out of what we ve already got. I believe in being rich in relationships, which is what I teach on the shell. When I think about all the thing I treasure most in life. This includes family friends, good memories, happiness. These are things that cannot be bought with money. Instead, it's all about flexibility and free, and how I can use my time and focus these. are the limited resources that most of us face these days, despite the common belief.
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ready to go integrations. You can pull in unlimited data like customer shopping behaviour, product recommendation just about anything else, right away. It even for there built in guidance to help you sees bigger opportunities and keep improving your results. A lot of e commerce. Folks, I know love this thing. If you're in that space definitely check it out, get started with a free account at Calais no com, Slash Jordan! That's k, L I ve. I why oh dotcom, Slash Jordan and now the conclusion of Feedback Friday right next up, hello, Jordan and Gabe. A girlfriend, and I have been dating for over a year and living together for a few months now, I'm twenty three she's twenty one, and she already has her bachelors degree and a salaried position making twice as much as I do I've never really been the school type, as I was bullied from elementary up to high school teachers have never had a meaningful impact on me, but I've always been tech, savvy working for Apple as a technician and for best buy as a geek squad installer
I always thought that if I worked hard enough, I can make just as much money without a degree, but I'm finding that that's not the case. My girlfriend really wants me to finish college, but the thought of going back to school makes me sick. She is unbelievably smart and has nothing but good things to say about her past teachers and experiences throughout college. I know that if I dont get some form of higher education that she will eventually leave, how can I change my view of college and convince myself to go? Get an education? signed, dragging my feet on using my head. This is an interesting question, quite an interesting couple as well you're good, friends, very academic, more conventional, you not so much no shade. Just you know facts here she's. You need to go back to school now, you're afraid that if you dont you're gonna lose her right off the bat. I'm just gonna take you and I'm guessing here, already know this and some level. This is a good reason to go back to school, not all Do you struggle and academic environments, which many people do but you'd be chasing a degree out of what fear that your girlfriend's going to leave you
come on now. I'm with that approach. You will hate every single step of this process and you'll probably start to develop some resent. toward your girlfriend for forcing you to do something that you can't. I just don't want to do so. My take your act, We asking the wrong question here. The question isn't: how the change my view and convince myself to go, get an education. That right question is: why do I feel the need to do what my girlfriend says in order to keep her happy, especially in something major is this and will a college degree, really make me more successful. The other question you could ask is: why did I google so much in school, and why am I struggling to succeed at the level I want now, because this all situation speaks to a deeper theme in your relationship. Your girlfriend pushing you to get your degree, probably because
Thanks, it'll advance your career she's not entirely wrong. The data clearly shows that people with college degrees earn more on average than people with just a high school diploma. There are different takes on this, but it seems people with college degrees or anywhere from nineteen thousand, a thirty thousand something dollars more per year on average, so going to college sure. I could help you by the way. I think they ignored trade schools when they did this and they were just talking people that are like unskilled, Highschool Diploma Verses college degree. I think that's tricky, possibly on purpose, possibly sponsored by colleges work it out. Doing as like. You need this. Oh, don't look at the plum, who is making way more than half hour graduates, but the way described girlfriend the unbelievably smart. You said she has nothing but good to say about her past teachers and experiences in college she's, making good at a young age. I do wonder if Girlfriend is holding you two standards and experiences that she values, but that don't necessarily apply to you, I'm happy she had such a great
periods in college, its awesome that she's doing so well now, but I also wonder if there might be some element of. Is it ego, oh or appearances wrapped up in the idea of dating someone without a college degree. I'm not saying that's the case if that Part of why she wants you to get your degree, so you can be part of this like elitist club so you can be more on her. According quote level, burning pretend aside, I would really ask yourself if those are good reasons for you to go back to school at the same time, going to college Definitely not a guarantee. You're gonna make more money whatsoever, sure the average salary for college, the grads is higher, but that is doesn't mean all college grads make more money and it doesn't mean that there aren't none college grads who are killing it. There are absolutely what matters more is what you do with that degree or what you do in addition to and a round that degree descent yourself up for success, we talked about a little bit on the show, with micro episode to six, for he talked about trade schools and fellowships, and things like that
our jobs that actually exist as he puts it. So, if your operating under the assumption that it agree, will fix your career, I would toss the window right now, especially if you are, just not the academic type, because not only will you probably be miserable for four years I mean you might love it, but past behavior past experience pretty indicative of how the future is going to go your whole outlook on school we'll make it hard to get good grades, seek out interesting teachers pursue cool price Jax build strong relationships, all the things that make college actually useful and to be paid out? The nose for that privilege we're living in a world right now- and I talked about this on the show- bunch, were you just don't need a college degree to have a great career it might even be a hindrance because, while the debt you're going to be in that you might be- and I should say- and it's definitely a huge opera- unity caused either way I mean friggin. Google oh, I be M, I'm in Silicon Valley tonnes accompanies here, they're, not even requiring college degrees anymore. You have to, of course, be super smart and accomplished work there, but you don't have to have a degree
a university there, coders in those buildings who spent a couple years, hacking things together and contributing to open source projects and uploading their work on github their crushing it right now they ve never set foot on the college campuses or it dropped out when they realise they could get further budget working. So I'm not saying everybody, I'm not saying as an assembly you, but this whole model of go to I'm sure you'll never be successful, it's just obsolete and I think it can often hold certain personalities back special of your hand. on type a person. There's plenty of other places. You can study and that's coming from a nerd who did under an law school, so I've done a lot of school and out of it. I didn't need of well all of it technically right I didn't need Hey Jordan. I also went to undergrad and I was a fairly traditional kid before I bring talk to be a reckless person and I'm looking back and I'm thinking. If I didn't want to do those things, and I knew what I wanted. I knew what I was good at. I don't know if college is necessarily the
the way that you think it might be to make the money and have the success that you want. My only kaweah to that would be figure out if you're avoiding college because you're looking for a way out of doing the work or your intimidated or you resent to. I don't know maybe play by somebody else's rules or anything like that. If that's the case, then this resistance, you have to college, will pop up in other areas of your life eventually and that's absolutely worth addressing now, but not really getting that sense from the email you sound, ambitious, you're willing to put in the work you just don't like academic settings, the thought of going back to school, as you put it, makes you sick, which is a pretty strong. back to the house, I mean at a minimum. You got to listen to that. It could mean a few things that could mean that you have to sort out whatever it is about school that is so stressful could also just mean that you're not fit for that. It's just not your path, and I think that's okay, so our advice do not go to college because your girlfriend is pregnant
I you to go to college, only go if you want to go or if there is something very concrete that you can only achieve in school or you're dead, set on a certain job or certain industry. That absolutely requires a college degree and if your girlfriend says that she's gonna break up with you, if you dont graduate college than you guys need to have a real heart to heart. About that, you gotta decide whether pleasing her is more important than pursuing an authentic path for yourself and I think she needs to get a handle on why you, having a college degree, is so important to her. Hopefully, your girlfriend can learn to accept you the way that you ve accepted and maybe understand why she's mapping her experiences with college unto you when you guys, are clearly very different people. If you guys we need do that. Then you might totally work out as a couple. If not it's possible, Europe different paths or maybe you're looking for different partners which, by the way at twenty one, twenty three years old, totally fair, very common,
I'm not here to say you guys should break up, I'm not pushing you in that direction is just something to consider. It sounds to me like you're, trying to fit your values retrofit your values to be your girlfriend and not try to forge this path for yourself yeah. Definitely there still figuring out so many things about themselves and their lives and what they want and wonder that age in that stage of relation Everything your values are in flux. To, like this whole college degree thing. I do see her point about wanting you to succeed. I know that's what you want to do so we'll have to put in the work to take charge of your career and in a nutshell, that means a few things investing in yourself, so skills knowledge, credentials. Building meaningful relationships with your peers, with mentor as with people who might hire you one day, if you're not doing six minute networking, please go and start doing that dig the well before you get thirty Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course. It's free! You all know that by now and put
in the time to get great at something that a? U deeply care about, be other people value to. It sounds like that some bring in technology, for you may be an I t, for example, which is great that could be kind of girl Northstar for the time being. I know that this is pretty brought advice, but that's the basic template for any great courage, honestly my best advice for somebody wants to skip college, find a professional you live and admire and can learn from and just become, their apprentice or even their assistant. If used a few years working under a high performer in your field. Even if you don't make a ton of money at first, even if you have the moonlight for them that often your best bet for breaking in also I mentioned a little bit before tat- its goals. You can make a ton of money. As a plumber, mechanical electrician, there are tons of technical certifications that you can get to increase your potential as well, none of which require university degrees souci. If those,
right for you as well, if we're talking about an expensive piece of papers, you looks marked outsiders not worth it if you're talking about real skills, answers to get better and better jobs, now you're barking up the wrong tree. Some places it still disqualify you for not having a degree. That's fine! Those aren't your people get great, get connected, get passionate and use those assets to chart your own path. If you spend four years seriously investing in those three areas: that'll be the college degree. Almost every single time opium joy, that I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and, of course all of you for listening go back and check out Anderson, Cooper and TIM Snyder. If you haven't yet don't forget about six minute network, Jordan, harbinger dot com flesh course, teaching them how to dig the well before you get thirsty, doesn't matter. at the beginning or the middle or even the end of your career. This is the stuff I wish. I knew you a couple of decades ago. It's been great for me. It'll be great, for you is also Ray Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course, is where you can find it. A link to the showed us for the opposite
can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot com transcripts or in the show notes. I'm at George the harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram oranges, hit me on linked in you can find gave on Twitter. Gabe, Ms Raw, he or Uninstall, Graham at Gabriel, Miss Raw. He, the show is created association with Podcast one by team is Jen Harbinger of Jason. Sanderson Robert Probity and bared milieu, Campo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel, Ms Raw. He our advice, opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Do your own research but or implementing anything. You here on, the show did over carbon in every other expert we have here. Remember we ride by lifting others, share the show but those who love if you found the episode useful, please share the show with somebody else. You can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to Why? What you hear on the show? So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time, you're about to a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show, with former professional scape order, an entrepreneur, Rob Dear DEC
it my long come in and meet with the council learn the principle in just basically is told them on this idea that I'm going to be approached gate border now, Jordan, alive and kill more motors, like my lifestyle, man like I'm so optimize and operated such a high level. that alone gives me energy a track every hour of every single day and have a tag, it all pumps into a living dashboard of how perfectly balanced, by time fired living at present Lee highly optimized existence. That's also a hunter percent balanced by dissolving live as light as a feather when that system is out of balance, it's impossible to grow into your full potential right and then, if you haven't, find what your full potential is and what the life that you want
Devin? What all aspects of that look like then you're, never going to find it. It's looking at everything you want to achieve and breaking it down to the very first task that you know you can do the most Ordinary way is to begin to turn the idea of deciding what you want. Defining you know four I've milestones and then doing one after another till you get too in doing that in all aspects of life over and over again, you begin to feel as if you control reality, because you put didn't exist as the mile marker and then you built plan to do it and you did to learn more about how Rob jeered at dropped out of high school at age sixteen and how he now optimized his life to the fullest potential check out episode for nine eight on the Jordan Harbinger Show.
Transcript generated on 2022-02-28.