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618: Prescription for Friction: Marry into Addiction | Feedback Friday

2022-01-28 | 🔗

Your fiancée knows her weed habit triggers your own addictive tendencies, but keeps it in her daily routine anyway. Now she's giving you flak for your recent lapse in sobriety, and this is making you wonder if getting married next month is really the best move for both of you. What should you do? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/618

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • Should you proceed with the marriage next month when your fiancée refuses to quit her weed habit even when she knows it triggers your own addictive tendencies?
  • Your mother's always fawned over babies, but expresses indifference once they get older. As a result, you feel like you were neglected through most of your childhood and never fully developed. Now, at age 30, you've discovered you were conceived via a sperm donor, and suddenly the dots connect. How should you approach your mother about this?
  • Your international long-distance relationship of several years was disrupted by COVID. And even though you've both agreed to date other people, you still hold onto hope that you might someday be able to work things out and resume a life together. Is this at all realistic, or is it just time to move on?
  • You don't mind having a reputation for being nice, but it seems to be a green light for some people to habitually take advantage of you. How can you find the right balance between kindness and assertiveness?
  • This past year, you've been surrounded with reminders of the impending death of loved ones, and what’s to come once they’re gone. How do you stop planning for the inevitable and start enjoying the time you have with those close to you while you still can?
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.

Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I welcome the feedback Friday on your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback Friday producer, the Brian to Mice, Dewey Gabriel, Miss right on the job, harbinger show we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to infect your life and those around you. We want to help. You see the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people thinking behaved, and our mission is to help you before, a better informed. More critical thinking so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what is really happening inside your own mind, if you due to the show on Fridays. We give advice, we answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to see owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers. This week we had and you'll love. It did Gabriel. The sky was super interesting, so he runs at non profit organization that happens
work in the Middle EAST, and so he's the guy that people the two. When someone goes missing in Syria because he's kind of what are the only people with connections there and yes, you MIKE S by his last name- he's jewish. So he works with like all these kind of crazy human traffickers people and spies, but he's just like this chill Jewish, I who happens to work in an NGO and he's extremely sharp and skilled like very used to high stakes, thinking and situation, I love this episode, a kind of came out of nowhere, a listener reckon and it s an I'm excited for everyone to hear it if you haven't yet we also Martin Cove starred, in but a kid as sense. A John Crease, of course, he's there were pricing that role in cobra carry on Netflix he's also been in Rambo and in over a hundred other movies, which has to be close to a record basically to Darth Vader of karate. least Darth Vader, of the chronic kid series and COBRA Kai. I also
every so often on the blog. My latest posed positives to take with you out of the pandemic, this one's all about the unexpected benefits and hidden gifts of the last two, here's the wheels we'll cut to know the pandemic with super stressful. It still is scary, uncertain. No doubt about that, but gave I would just talk and recently in and realise there is just a ton of new insights and habits and realizations that we really only found during this lockdown period and were determined to take these insights whither into the rest of our lives. So that's what this article is about. The upsides the pandemic how you can harness those positive to make your life happier more connected more meaningful, and you can find that go and all of our articles at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash articles, as always, we ve got some great question.
this week. You know just saying all that remind me of just how much we create everything we gave em like that's a lot of manner. It is all good. I think I mean look at dividing, say so myself. A lot of it is a kind of golden I like it will be good and it's all for you that's ranked offer you are right. What's the first thing out of the male back age or in a game, I have recently become engaged to the love of my life, we're getting married next month, but I'm beginning to have serious problems with her drug addiction, I'm an exact to at all and it all started with we'd when I'm around we'd. It makes me want more of it and puts me in a terrible situation. I've asked my fiance numerous times to stop smoking, but she keeps doing it and bringing the smell around me. Finally, I slipped up and took a pill and now she's very upset with me. My fiance doesn't realise that use hurting me. I've lost all hope,
so. What should I do side going for a trial as we walk down the aisle boy? First of all, I'm so sorry that your wrestling with this addiction, I'm sorry that your girlfriend isn't being very thoughtful about it from the sound of it and accordingly, she's an attic herself and look we'll have your letter, but it certainly sounds that way. It sucks that you relapsed and then she got mad at you, although we. She have some reason to be mad if she thought that you were firmly back on the wagon, then again, it's kind of ear. The pot calling the kettle black suited her dad jokes veterinary. All data jokes elder. I wondered I was like tops after jerk rather year a year, which is always the bottom sheriff. I suppose I wonder if there is simple action or displacement happening here. Ride like in any event itself, but she's not considering how her we'd uses affecting your sobriety or your experience in the relationship for that matter, Philip
I'm just gonna, go and up Uncle Jordan Mode here and be very blunt with you. You have an addiction, girlfriend is using a substance that clearly triggers that addiction. according to you, she's addicted herself. You guys don't seem to be communicating very well about any of this. You just went back to the anti now got a problem with that, and now the situation so bleak that to use your words, you ve lost all hope. So In that I got ask you man, why are you getting married? I know that might seem like the crucial question, I'm not trying to make light of this, but somebody's gotta ask it. Your email is full of red flags whatever you and your fiance are struggling with independently whatever's happening between the two. a few together. Whatever you guys aren't talking about. All of that is definitely to become a problem in your marriage. It will create serious diss sean down the line. I mean it's over be creating serious dysfunction,
guys aren't even Mary. Yet so my advice- and it's pretty simple- is figure. This shit out now If this were me, there is no way I'd be getting engage like this. You guys are slapping. and aid on a bullet hole, and I'm not saying this woman isn't the love your life, I'm not saying, there's no way you can be together in the future, but you, but have a lot of work to do before you're in a place, TAT, a happy, healthy, supportive marriage well said: Jordan. I completely agree I'm so near having the exact same reaction to this letter like? Why are you getting married when you have these issues to work through like? Why are you doing out when you have to do this work? So what is that work? Well, for starters, addiction, treatment of some kind for both of you invasion a patient that's up to you, but at a minimum definitely attending na meetings coming up with a solid plan to get sober and stay sober. You need to figure out this additive.
My man why this drug has such a hold on you what's going on in your past and maybe in your life now, that's making you want to keep using, including your girlfriend's behaviour, and she needs to figure out if her we use is actually an addiction or maybe just did unfortunate habit. It's kind of hard to tell of the letter. I'm gonna take your word for it that she has a bit of a problem, is clearly a spectrum, but that's another thing to deal with and also whether you too can function in a relationship where she is using the very drug that activates you. This is non negotiable. In my opinion, I just don't see how you guys can move forward in a healthy way if you're, not on the same page, about the substance use the other, I would really encourage you to do is go to therapy working with a therapist. That would be a huge asset in your recovery, but it also help you unpack this hopelessness that you feel
I would also strongly consider going to couples counseling with your fiance. You guys have a lot to get off your chest, a ton of stuff to sort through. It sounds like to join the point that you're not exactly communicating about it. That's really what couples therapy is for. You guys need a place. We could look at these problems and decide what kind of future you want to have, and I would start that conversation with this huge thing that you shared with us, which is she doesn't realize, he's hurting me. I've lost all hope. I mean Jordan. Those two sentences right they're contained so much information about the two so yeah I would get to talking asap man if I felt like my fiance were hurting me and I'd run out of hope. The last thing they want to do, is get married. That's like a war. to pre wedding vibe ever plus. How do you even write your file How do you enjoy the party like theirs is huge storm. loud hanging over them and they're, trying to plan a friggin parade like how about we There was the storm clouds, so if you I can really listen to each other work through this and grow together
then you have a shot at making this marriage work. If you can't Then this relationship will almost certainly implode, eventually or it'll. Just be super dysfunctional and miserable, and will be hearing from you every other week and Feedback Friday for the next ten years. The choice is yours, I know it's scary to think about, but I would seriously consider putting the wedding on hold, not saying if to cancel anything put it on. old. While Ya'Ll do this work. No reason to rush into marriage, even if you have strong field. for each other or if you start doing this work, and you realize that you can't be together and stay healthy, and I would reconsider this is really the relationship that you want right now, whether as the really contribute need. Thank you so much for during this with us. I know this is probably very hard to talk about, so I do commend you for that. We ve been pretty direct with you, but these no, it's all out of love, whatever you decide to do about it, relationship. Do the work, take care of yourself get better. Everything else is secondary, good luck, man or-
before you gave. I do hope they can get past this and get married. I mean it's like you can't read the label from inside the jar reading it. You don't even see this the magnitude of this problem when its facing you and it's just not the time to get married, I think a lot of people also there like some cost fowl while we're already engaged in its hard to find somebody else- and I don't know she's great I'll just you know, try harder to not be triggered by this addiction behaviour. It's like that is not a strategy, but hopefully they can overcome this. You know it won't, take it your life and possibly ruin your marriage, the products and services that support the shell here, listening to feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger, show we'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by
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I am break through dot com, sash, Jordan, thanks for listening and supporting the show, your support of our advertisers keeps us going who doesn't love some good products and or services. You can his visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slife deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to back Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show our next, oh dear, Georgina. Gabe. about a year ago I took a dna tests and found out that I was conceived via sperm donor learning at the age of thirty, but my bike, Logical father was a donor was jarring to say the least. my mother, was always the type who wanted babies and loved little kids as long as they were under six. As a result, I felt ass though my mom stopped raising me at six years old, which caused me to miss out on attaining responsibility and discipline, a deficiency that haunts me to this day. My therapy is focused on addressing that first, but I'm finding myself irrationally angry, I, my mother. She went through the work of finding a spur
donor Tauber conceive, but she can even raise me in the way I deserved. While she was a loving parents and she did her best, I missed the types of support that are instrumental in attaining crucial skills as an adult. How do you think I should approach my mother about? All of us is talking to her. Even a good idea signed going back to the nest to get some things off my chest. While this is a fascinating turn of events, just finding out that you were conceived by a sperm donor, I'm sure that would bring up a tonne questions on its own. But in your case it sounds like its heightened other fleets. things that you already had about your mom about the way she as you or didn't raise you, which is obviously very. Painful for you. So it's interesting, the anger you feel I act We think it's a very normal part of the therapeutic process that you're in right now, everyone's different, of course, but a pretty stand, an aspect of therapy is unearthing, a ton of feelings about your life, about yourself in always about your parents. I have so many.
friends went into therapy like all my parents are grey, there's so perfect, I love them. I had an amazing childhood. I don't need to talk about any of that. I just need to figure out what to do about me a career, my girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, and then two months in they stumble into all these memories and feelings that they just didn't even know, existed and suddenly there perfect childhood, isn't so perfect They have a whole new appreciation for all of the experience is good and bad debt them who they are. I don't want to scare anyone away from therapy you're not going to start hitting your parents or something it's just you get a better picture of who you are and how you got there, but discovered you're angry at your parents. especially at a mother who is generally the most for the relationship any of us will ever have. That is very common. You mister, some crucial nurturing in your childhood and that had a big impact on you as an adult and are you some feelings about that, if that's true, I dont think at the anger, is irrational at all, although it is interesting that you think its irrational, in fact,
you recognising that she did her best. Despite her mistakes, I think that's very evolved on your part. You're basically saying I've got, of compassion for you mom, but I'm also. A friggin mad that you deprived me of these skills, you're not living in either or world that keeps us locked in one version of events, living in the both and world, allows you to have your experience and appreciate somebody else's expense, and that's actually really encouraging. So do you bring all of this anger to mom, while before the answer that I think it's important to get clear on your expectations for this conversation, what is it that you hope to, the by telling your mom that she disappointed you that you're angry now, that's the first step, for example, are you hoping that she'll realised that you're right and break down and apologise for not being great mom after you are six and if so, what Apology help would lessen the and you feel or
you may be hoping to make her feel bad on some level, maybe to force her to confront her mistakes, maybe even punish her in some way and I'm not judging by the way, I'm just acknowledging this impulse. A lot of us actually have towards people who ve hurt us and if that's your goal, would that make you feel better would give you closure, or is it just going to displace the anger you feel onto her for a little while, or maybe you just one to admit she wasn't the best parent? Maybe you won't hurt give you some validation that this lapse and parents really even happened, and if that's the case, would that validation be useful to you would it help you he'll and move on what getting at here is: what are you hope will happen in the conversation and how will that
play a role in your growth man. That is such a good question. Jordan, because I think, is very tempting to want to take your pain in your disappointment to the person who cause them, because that seems like the only place where they can be resolved, but we don't really think about why you would get resolve their or if that person is even equipped to really resolve it for us and if you're not clear about what you're. Looking for. In that conversation, I could see this exchange. Turning into you know,
going to unload on mom for other ways that you disappointed me, instead of being an opportunity for real conversation with a real resolution, so yeah. If you decide to talk to mom, I would get super clear on what you're hoping to achieve, but in my experience when it comes to letting go of a difficult emotion like this at least half the work. Maybe most of the work is on our side of the equation. You probably have to find some healthy ways to accept the childhood that you did have process this anger and eventually, hopefully release these feelings on your own. Probably the best place you that isn't therapies. I'm really glad to hear that you're there, and yet talking your mom about some of this- that
might help if and is a huge if, if she's able to really here you, but that's really hard for most parents to do, I mean you're, not just bringing her something minor from your past that you guys can resolve. You know something she could just apologize for a pretty easily. What you're bringing to her is something pretty huge which his you were. Not the mother I needed the the mother I deserved. I mean that's incredibly painful for any parent to hear even apparent whose very open and impact I mean look if your mom stopped raising you at the age of six, I'm wondering if she has the internal resources to be, in a real dialogue with you about some of her failures as apparent yeah with you on that gave. If you owe me love kids, when their under six or, if you only parent kids, when their under six aids, probably because you only know how to relate to people when they are very young UK maybe relate to the real complex person and adult that they ve become right, that there be
The more likely scenario is that she'll feel very wounded in this conversation and probably quite threatened. Show either get defensive just deny the story or shut down, which I gotta say. That's actually incredibly sad for both of them. It is super sad, but it's also how life works most of the time right, it's pretty rare to get closer from them actual person who heard us, we usually have to find our own ways of doing that. Processing those wounds may be making some meaning. them, hopefully turning them into something better like in this presents gaze They are angry that bombed and parent them correctly, but eventually they might find that they can parent themselves, hopefully with the help of a therapist. They can have more curiosity about that part of their personality. They can even maybe appreciate how this wound shows up another people, for example their mothers failure, as painful as it is. Is also their window into more empathy, more emotional intelligence, more resilience into all those great qualities that most of us want to cultivate, definitely a light.
said, the processing usually ends up happening on our side of the equation. So actually, now that we ve talked, this I'm leaving a little bit towards, maybe not bringing this to mom. You know your choice, I would say, not bringing this to mom, at least if you're a pin, all your hopes on her response, because, if she'd doesn't give you what you are looking for, and I just think there's a good chance that she won't. Then you might he'll even more lost- and then you gotta be angry for two reasons, but if you do a lot processing around this and you decide to talk to your mom with a different agenda like you just want to tell her what it was like for you growing up, and maybe tell her you're ready to let go of the anger that you ve been feeling that could potentially be a meaningful talk. But again you have to know why you're telling her these things, how you're gonna use that responds to improve your life, because that's the real goal here not to. Just a firm, your anger and keep you stuck in it, but to acknowledge it so that you can release it.
and ideally improve your relationship with your mom in the future. So I would spend time doing that. First, you might find that you don't need You talk to your mom at all. Keep up the good work proud of for confronting this one head on and were sending you good thoughts? You can reach us fry Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise! Try to use a descriptive subject line! It does make our job easier. If there's some you're going through any big decision that your wrestling with or you just want a new perspective on stuff, like life love whether to invite your alcoholic, father, dear wedding, whatever's got you stand up at night lately, hit us up Friday at Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom, we're here to help, and we can every email, anonymous all right. What's next, Hey Jordan, again three years ago, I met the love of my life. While I was on an exchange programme in England, we took a chance on our unlikely love story and decided to keep things going long distance. While I moved back to
states, we talked every single day and we visited each other every three to five months. It wasn't easy, but we believe that with the right person we can make it work. I graduated from college a year before him, so he had to say when for another year during that year, I move to a new state away from my friends and family. The plan was for him to find work and moved to the. U S when he graduated the following year, we had a few rough patches after I moved back. It was very difficult for me to make such a big change when he was not there to grow and experience it with me, but we stuck with our plan because we loved each other in early twenty twenty. We said good bye one last time. I assured him that things would be so bad this time, because I was gonna see him in just a few months. Two months later, travel between the- U S and the UK was banned due to covet being forced apart. So abruptly was devastating. We spent many nights crying on the phone,
hopelessly trying to say positive that things will get better and telling ourselves. You know if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything after an emotional year and a half apart. We are currently not together and we have agreed to start seeing other people. We made this decision because the endless long distance was really taking a toll on our relationship and on my mental health. I would grow distant, take it out on him by lashing out and just feel overwhelmingly numb the way I saw it if we had any hope for relationship in the future. We had to cut things off before we began to resent each other. Since then, I ve gone back and forth between wanting to wait.
and wanting to move on. I don't feel like I could ever have a love for someone like we did for each other, I'm normally very logical and decisive person, but I get these profound feelings of guilt where I feel like. I should wait for him, because I know that he would wait for me, but the thought is very overwhelming and moving on seems like the more practical option have actually started seeing someone recently, but in hasn't got very deep. Yet my new partner has told me that he loves me, but I am finding it impossible to feel with him what I felt with my axe. In some ways I feel like my axe- and I are gonna- find our way back to each other in the end travel between the UK and the. U S is still tricky travel bans, quarantine rules and other laws are constantly changing. My axe also recently got accepted into grad school,
that requires into workforce company for another two years, so even if we did get as each other once what then I get angry when people tell me to just move on or if you loved him enough, you would make it work because they don't understand this unique situation I feel are giving up on dating for good, because I'm not sure that I'll ever be truly ready to move on. I still think about my axe every day it almost feels like a morning. Him am I being silly for not completely moving on. Am I a bad person for not being strong enough to make this long distance relationship work for the foreseeable future side, nursing the spot, and across the pond man I feel like. I just read the plot of the most intense romantic drama, Netflix, something except like I don't hate all the characters and want to throw my tv out the window continued. This is almost exactly the movie like crazy. Have you seen that? No hell? No, I will state my eyes out before I watch another rom come serious it and movie, I watch is gonna, be sought like something you wrote or, like my kids die.
They are something, otherwise, I'm not watching any roaming romance movies ever. Actually, it's not around com. It's a pretty intense romantic! Well, maybe maybe the prior doesn't change your opinion, but the that movies about two people, american and british. They meet in America and may I think she s back and then it gets stuck because of visas. You it's exactly this story. If you want to cry out and commiserate with some fictional Why would I highly recommend watching them every yet? A last romance movie I wash was love. Actually I got actually kind of enjoyed. So so there's that, but now I'm not in the mood right, I'm not I'm not a nobody gets after that. None of the Rome conference, My heart goes out to you guys. This is a really tough place to be as a couple As most of you know, Jack, and I were long distance for a little while we flew back and forth to see each other. It was not that far we're talkin like an hour flight. we did that every few weeks for like a year this
having an ocean and associated time difference between you and the person you love, plus locked down to an quarantines and the grand programme. I mean that sucks. It does just there's no way around it. All things you're feeling right now the love, the guilt, the hopelessness, the grief I mean, I I totally get it so answer, question right off the bat, no you're, not silly for not moving on you're in love, that's how this works. This seems like an appropriate response. To me, given your emotional state, if this for some guy. You met on a quick trip to London and you spent three passionate is together, I might say, like get a friggin grip, get some perspective, but I have a real relationship. You have history. It's been three years. You ve seen each other, very few months. It makes sense that you feel like your morning, we mourn. Two things relationships, jobs, cities, experiences even if they have an actually died in that morning is painful as it is its healthy. Its necessary, That said, the situation here in your emotional stew
These days obviously complicated, but your options here, they're surprisingly simple: either you I stay together until he can move to the states and you do that with eyes wide open knowing that will be frustrating and sad. Lonely a lot of time, because you really are each other's people, and that makes it worth it and as do some work separately and together to fit throughout this pattern. You know why you pull away, why you lash out whether resentment builds up what the nuts This is all about and find a way to stay connected, even while you're apart or you guys, greed and your romantic relationship for the next two years, knowing that staying together is harder. But if you make that choice, you have to know the euro, happening another sadness other laws that feelings are proud: we similar, but they have a different cause plus they probably feel super heightened in dramatic because, like I said, you're living Sundance movie right now and that's what so? Tough about this situation that there's no escape from pain?
you're in this very meaningful relationship with this guy and whether you stay together or you break up, you're gonna hurt. So the question is which pain. Are you willing to feel and how You going to process that pain until you guys can get back together or depending on what you decide to do Go your separate ways entirely. It sounds to me your leaning towards staying with him or at least closing yourself off emotionally from new people. Even if you are daring- because you know this is your guy and that my actually be the right move. If your heart is telling you that that's your path, a listen to it just make sure that it really is your heart and not your fear or your grief or or some other conditioning you really have to do some interest, but and they get clear on that and also just give yourself some time. Probably if you money to make sure you have enough perspective on the situation right now. You're so
caught up in it. It must be hard to see things clearly, but if you do decide to stay with your boyfriend, I'd encourage you to open up your thoughts about the suffering you feel right now. The pain doesn't just have to It is random, senseless, all, consuming agony about the laws. The bureaucracy and the obligations standing in your way? It can also be confirmation of your feelings for this guy the reason that you know it's worth waiting for him, maybe even an opportunity to get closer to each other by sharing those feelings, talk in them letting him in while you're apart instead of pulling away- and I know that might sound simplistic- but in this jewish or were you just can't erase the pain finding meaning in it? That's usually your best bet, and if you can do that, I think: you'll learn a lot about yourself and also find a lot more Peace in this chaotic situation, man, that is so As a German, I mean you're right, he's hurting you the wave, so she might as well understand the herd and hopefully help at fixed the relationship or bring them closer together at this
time, though I do feel the urge to give her just a little perspective. So luck covered regulations, they're changing all the time in general countries are opening up. In fact, I think, since you wrote in Bravo regulations have changed to the UK, so you might be able to. your guy now, so maybe a huge piece of the situation as somewhat resolved. I can't imagine border sting closed for more than a few months now that were at this point, although look with entrepreneur who knows what's happening, I don't know nobody you might under quarantining together if you both get rid, but whatever that's a different movie that once a little more hallmark channel. I think, if you ask me, but also if you do decide to see other people for a couple of years, even if their people, you know you're, not and up with that might not be the worst idea in the world. I mean I'm not trying to gloss over how complicated the situation is, and I'm devil not telling you you know, don't worry about. There's just turn this heartbreak
obstacle into a whole phase or face her, but it might make things a little bit easier to casually date. Other people, until you guys, can be back together and you don't have to deal with this back and forth. Are we together? We not together. Can we be in the same place that's, that's the painful part, but I don't know your. Maybe I'm saying that, because I've never been in love the way this woman is in love, deafening out with somebody halfway across The world may be thinking about dating other people's like a knife in the heart, but if it's just a bit of fun and its away to feel like your life is completely on hold, because the other person is stuck in another country that might be a good move. I would just be totally up front with the people you date, now your situation, so you know so you not misleading anybody or hurting anyone. Yeah. I don't know, I see your point, but if they decide to do then there are inviting the very real possibility that they meet somebody else they really like, and they just never end up together and that's risky. If I were the sky, happened? I be got it, but, on the other hand, go get some strange, my right I hear you and I get up there already
doing not right, she's dating this new guy. She saying that you can feel with him which he felt with their acts. She feels like she interacts, are going to end up together, no matter what that could change with time or where the different points. But I don't know it sounds to me like she knows- they're, going to end up together so dating other people like what's the harm yeah, I guess none as long as they are on the same page about the rules. But then, if she's convinced that she's gonna end up with our acts, that probably mean she's still talking to him right which, and she sort of like emotionally cheating with anyone knew that she dates and again, like you said it but the communication she just has to be up front. So there you have it. no way out of this situation. There better and worse ways to move through this situation and now you're, not a bad person for not being strong enough to make this long distance relationship work. This would be hard or anyone. I just think you need to get clear on what feeling an opportunity, cost you're willing to accept on the road back to your guy and once your clear on that find the bats,
wait. I understand them and cope with them so that they don't drag you down for the next two years, Sorry you're in this situation. It is incredibly sad and stressful, but here's the silver lining. If you guys who end up together. There's gonna be a which party your story like you'll, be telling the dinner parties and in your wedding, vows and it'll, be all charming and romantic and in a weird way you might even be grateful for the time that you were apart, because it aid. You appreciate each other. Even more are grow closer in a new and different way or the wind up with some dude from Boise. You met on hinge and you'll end up living on a ranch in just Plain Avenue so everyone listening right now and sobbing the car, like I said, you're living in a movie, hang in there were can you the best and were sending you and your other, have good thoughts and game but I was in college. I had a long distance relationship with a girl who moved to Japan that ended up not being easy. We dated fur
several years in college and she's like I'm gonna, go live in Japan and we'll stay together while I'm gone and we're like. I was I care, and then you moved out like this sucks by the She got back, I did visitor, but by the time she got back, we are totally different people we'd grown apart wasn't even remotely effect at all any more. I won't say it and sat at all. It was so sad, but it was just a part of growing up at that point totally. I don't know my point was, but it doesn't matter. because you know what can come and smuggle you at night, regardless of covered restrictions. The sponsors who support this show, this. Is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back. This episode of sponsored in part by better help online therapy. We talk about them help a lot on the show, of course, now we're focusing on some of the stigma around mental health. We ve been too. that mental health shouldn't be a part of our normal life. Of course, that's wrong. We take care of our bodies in the Jim, the doktor nutrition. Most of us do. We should also be
because in our minds, just as much many people think therapies for so called crazy people I disagree with that is well therapy doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. You hear me talk about this on feed that Friday. It just means that you recognise all humans complicated emotions, and we need to learn how to manage them, not just to avoid them better help is customized online therapy their offers videophone even live chat sessions with your therapist. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to see anyone on camera. If you dont want to its more affordable than in person, therapy and you can get matched up with a therapist in under forty eight hours, give it a try and soon over two million people have used better help online therapy and our listeners get ten percent off their first month at better help: dot com slashed Jordan, that's better h, E Lp that calm Sash Jordan. This episode is also answer by progressive. What's one thing: you'd purchase with a little extra savings awaited blanket smart speaker that new self care trendy keep hearing about well progressive, wants to help me sure you're. Getting what you want by helping you save money on car insurance, drivers who saved by switching to
aggressive, save over seven hundred dollars on average, and customers can qualify for an average of six discounts when they sign up discounts like having multiple vehicles on your policy progressive offers, our stance average, an award winning claim service day or night. They have customer support twenty four seven, three hundred and sixty five days a year when you need a most there at their best, a little off your rage month goes a long way get a quote today at progressive dot com and see wife out of five new auto customers recommend progressive, progressive casualty, insurance company in it its national annual average insurance savings by new customer surveyed who saved with progressive between June twenty twenty and may twenty twenty one potential savings will very this that's very and are not available in all states. Insinuations and now conclusion of feedback Friday, all right. What's next figures only had to jobs in my life and all my colleagues are both of them said that I am very nice and that everyone appreciates that quality about me,
what time do my managers always ask me to do the odd jobs that nobody else wanted to do at my first job at a store, for example, my manager would make me take out the trash make sure the bathrooms were spotless and check if any aisles had accidents at my second job is a delivery driver. I was also asked to help the workers up front and take out the trash four hours each day. It got to the point where another manager had to take her aside and tell her she needed to rely on somebody else, because she was taking me away from my duties and I was becoming overworked. That's her to do a fight over how I spend my time and after that exchange the first manager. Maybe do those jobs, a lot less but still tries to make me do them without any sign of appreciation, as the great Ian Fleming said once is happenstance is coincidence three times is enemy action. I dont want to be pushed around by someone, but I also don't want to lose that trademark, kindness that everybody loves about me. So any ideas on how I could be nice, while still being assertive side, walking the line while growing a spine, good question.
it's possible that these managers are taking advantage of you because you're so easy going, but it also possible that your great attitude, which is by the way, a rare quality defined in most workplaces that makes these people were to rely on you because you're so positive- and probably good, at what you do. It's sort of a case of no good it goes unpunished. The better employee the more work. It's dropped on them and, honestly, I suspect it's probably a mix of both of those your managers are dumping work on you because they know you'll do a good job with a smile on your face, but they might not respect or even arise. Kick Niger limits, because you're so agreeable. So what you have to figure out, if you're being taken it a job and walked all over or if you're being trusted in needed, and I think You know in your gut when it's one of the other, for example the manager who still makes you do those odd jobs without any sign of appreciation that sound, very cool at all, probably she sees somebody
the won't say no and would rather give you the work than hire a whole other person who sheep should actually higher to do that type of job she could be, rid of taking advantage of you, but then again she could also just be He had not a very nice person. Those are different things, but this really comes down to your job description, Euro dollar, ray driver and they're asking you to help the other workers up front. Take out the trash four hours each day your manager said that taking you away from your duties, which makes it sound, like all, of that. Other work was in addition to your real job, so yeah. A kind of sounds to me like free labour and also don't drivers mostly work on tips. Our gave. What do you think Jordan? I see your point, but I also think there is something to be said for finding ways to be helpful, even if its outside your job to score sure like if this guy's a standing around plank handicrafts, while he waits for deliveries to be prepared in the main line, not how bout and take out the trash and try to help you
add a little value. I'm level three thousand will definitely depends what level and get across Europe, but that, aside to me, that's it that's a great quality in an employee. That's part of his awesome personality that he has right. So ok, but yeah. You do you have a point as soon as they are basically pushing to different jobs on the sky and only paying him for one. It does become exploitative There is a difference between offering to take out the trash a few times a day on your way back to your car and being forced to take other traps for hours a day when that's explicitly not what you were hired for. So you just have to balance that desire to be helpful with some reasonable boundaries, and I would draw those boundaries at the moment. You feel that your truly being exploited and under compensated, you might be surprised by how quickly or managers back down when they realise that you will stand up for yourself if they push you too far, but you need to get clear first on what you do want to do and what you don't want to do. I think you're right gave its also possible that these
managers aren't even thinking about whether it's too much because their busy with thirty other important things, but here's an idea now that you ve built up so much goodwill doing all this work. What if you just? What do you mean teachers and said. Look I love. helping out with all this other stuff. I'm glad it's useful to you, I'd like to keep doing it, but it's pretty cool but that this is a whole other job in addition to my delivery duties. So I'd like to ask you to pay me for that time and just see what they say, maybe they'll happy to pay one person more for two jobs than hire a totally new employees, which also comes with its own costs or maybe they'll, be, like sir, I know this isn't a whole other job. We just really need you to be a team player right now, pow, and then you know that you're really being too in advance of at that point and then you can just either decide to stop doing that extra work or find a workplace that treats you better but either way. I really.
really encourage you to hang onto your kindness and your positive attitude. It's a gift! You just need to balance that with some healthy self respect, you don't have to be a dick to have been trees, you can be nice and you can be assertive, and I think this is your opportunity to learn how so good luck gave now by way great time to set a boundary at work, because if they blow a gasket and they let you go- which is highly unlikely but you never know- or they give you a bunch of attitude about it. You couldn't find another job that day you drive from your former Jim up to another restaurant on the same road and be like ya hiring and they will hire you with a raise so for any one. He's been procrastinate being putting their foot down at work now probably one of the best times ever to go ahead and do that. I can't even tell you how many restroom, around my area have signs on the door that are like needed dishwasher twenty, Where is an hour or like world
open for lunch because we don't have enough staff to cover dinner. If you want a job all? This number like there are pieces of paper over the Bay area with that, I'm at so, I think now, great time to be, like you know what I'm not taken up the trash delivery driver and, if you don't like it higher trash boy higher trash person, if they don't like that but to than just bouts, that's a good boundary, deliberate kindly, of course, but by the way, if you join for the first time or you for a handy way, to tell your friends about to show the starter pacts are the way to do it. There collections of faith, but our organised by popular topic to help new listeners get a taste of every thing we do here on the show this visit? Jordan,
and your dot com slash start to get started our next up. Dear Jordan, Agape last year my aunt passed away due to a combination of covert and health complications. For months later, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and she still can't kicker habit of smoking. On top about my father's elderly diabetic and declining and health. This past year I've been surrounded with reminders of the impending death of my loved ones and what's to come once they're gone, I can't stop thinking about losing important people in my life and now it's affecting the time I spent with them. While I still have it so, how do I stop planning for the inevitable and start enjoying the time I have with those close to me signed the reluctant ask ecologist. Ah man, well, first of all on I'm so sorry that you ve been going through all his loss and meadow a drama lately that it it sounds so intense and I'm very sorry that you had to say
goodbye to your aunt is well. Maybe even tougher is watching your parents go through their own serious health struggles and just refuse to take care of themselves. your mom anyway. On top of that, being scary and sad, it is infuriating So I get why you're feeling so much sadness and anxiety, you're, asking such a profound question: I'm almost has it to answer it because I know whatever I say just gonna sound trite, but I guess it's trait in part, because it's true so whatever I do say it, what you're expire in saying this realisation that the people you care about will die that things will be differently. gone. I know, that's an upsetting thought, but it's also the key to living your life in the best possible way, cause you're right they will die. I hope it doesn't happen soon. I hope mom and dad started in better care of themselves and by themselves. As many there is as possible, but why way or another we're all going to the same place, and it sounds to me like that thought is so restful that its overshadowing all your interactions. You want to push it.
way, because it feels like an obstacle to enjoying the time that you do have with them to be close, but I would actually argue the opposite at the realisation. It isn't an obstacle to closeness, It's the reason for closeness, the more you, except at the time you have with the people, you love is limited. The more precious that time becomes. You dont want to waste a second of you will be living under the illusion. Both people live in, which is that you have that time and that opportunity forever. So, when you either this new awareness is affecting the time you spend with your loved ones. I say great: it should affect the time you spent that's the whole point, our time together is finite. we just live in denial of that fact, because the thought is so friggin intense. You can choose to let it affect the time you spend with them negatively by sing over the fact that one day they're gonna die or you can let it affect your time positively by invite that realisation into every moment that you have with them and make
every moment, count which is obviously the way to go. If you do that, I'm not saying you won't be sad anymore. I'm not saying you stop being angry, your mom, but I promise that getting friendly with this thought: it'll will allow you to feel sad and joyful, angry and grateful it'll give you access to all the feelings, not just a negative one. but honestly overtime, gratitude tends to give you more of the good ones. So I say: stop keeping that thought at bay. In It in don't harp on it more than you have to go. Agonize over it does what it tables offers aim is gonna, but open your heart. right, that's really all you have to do. I want to say you for writing in giving me a chance to remember that to it so easy to forget, and it's so important, especially for me, is apparent. I'm definitely gonna. Take that And my weekend- and I hope you all do as well- I hope everyone enjoy this I want to thank those who wrote in and everyone who listened. Thank you so much go back and check out Daniel Levin at Martin Cove, you haven't heard those. Yet if you want
Oh, how I managed to book these folks on the show it's all about the network. I use software systems in tiny habits. I'm teaching you how to do it for free in our course, six minute. Networking the courses free. It's on the think, if it, platform at Jordan, harbinger dot, com, slash course, I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. This is very much worth your while a link to the shadows for the episode of Jordan, Harbinger dotcom trance so in the show, I'm at Jordan Heart you're on both Twitter and Instagram, or you can connect with me on linked in. You can also find gave on Twitter at Gabe, Ms Raw. He or on Instagram, at Gabriel, misery he. This shows created in association with by cast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jason Sanderson, Robert Foger DE unbared million Campo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel. Ms Rocky advice in a. Those are our own and a lawyer, but not your lawyer city own research before implementing anything you here on the show. Remember we rise by lifting others, show the show with those who love. If you found this episode useful,
we share it with somebody else. You can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show. So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time if you're, looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to sync your teeth into here's, a trailer for another episode that I think you might enjoy sleep is not an optional lifestyle. Luxury sleep is a non negotiable biological necessity. Sleep is a lifecycle system, it is mother, nature is best. Yet at immortality and the debt The maiden of sleep throughout industrialized nations is now having a catastrophic impact on our health or wellness, as well as the safety in the education of children. It is The silent sleep loss, academic and I would content but it is fast becoming the greatest public health challenge that we now face in the twenty first century. The evidence is very that when we delay school start times, academic grades increase, behavioral problems, decrease truancy, rates, decrease cycle,
Portugal psychiatric issues decrease, but what we also found which we didn't expect in this. That is, the life expectancy of students increased. So if all goal as edge Haiti is truly, is to educate and not risk lives in the process that we are failing. Our children in the most spectacular manner with this incessant model, a valley school start times and by the way, seven thirty, a m for a teenager is the equivocal
four dulled waking up, but for thirty or three thirty in the morning, if you're trying to survive or regularly getting five hours of sleep or less, you have a sixty five percent risk of dying at any moment in time. When you wake up and Ex day, you have a revised mind wide web of associations and New Associated network a rebooted. I owe ass. Those capable of defining remarkable insights into previously Henny trouble problems, and it is the reason that you have never been told to stay awake on a problem. It's dead, your told to sleep on a problem. For more on sleep, including why we dream and how we can increase the quality of our sleep check out but so number one twenty six with Doktor Matthew Walker here on the Jordan Harbinger Shell.
Transcript generated on 2022-02-25.