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217 - Salmon Burger

2022-11-01 | 🔗

Moving offices really works up an appetite

Weather: "Find Out" by AGBAT

The voice of Joseph Fink is Joseph Fink

The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwiner

Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth

Read episode transcripts

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Music: Disparition

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Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor

Narrated by Cecil Baldwin

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A production of Night Vale Presents.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey it's jeffrey cream. Big news. If you like things that are news and things that are big, so just think- and I started a podcast ten years and five months ago, called welcome tonight. Veil, good you ve heard of it well me wait. We made that show, and then we made a few other shows here and there separately. But then we thought why we making another fiction podcast together. We should do that and so we did and we have completed season one of this podcast and it is called unlicensed. This is the first fiction podcast by me and Joseph since welcome to night veil and it premiers november tenth exclusively on audible. You can get it real, quick by going to audible, dot com, slash unlicensed, unlike
It is a classic elene war, mystery thriller about two unlicensed private investigators who, following trail of seemingly unconnected cases which lead to a ransom, a murder, a mysterious wellness centre and a conspiracy that might go all the way to the governor. The show twelve episodes. An audible has a thirty day free trial. I think you easily listen to all twelve episodes in thirty days, but also Opel has incredible original podcast right now, like hot white high, stan say: you're, sorry, so maybe you'll just want to stick around for those two there's a lot. There will drop the first episodes on this feed in november, so I tune for those. But in the meantime, you can check out the unlicensed trailer, audible, dot, com, slash unlicensed and oh, and if you and allay this friday november. Fourth, we'll be on air fest, doing a life performance of unlicensed episode, one with actors, molly Quinn, Lucian, stress, deal thomson
composer desperation, so go to honour, fest, dot com for more on that it's been a full decade. but we finally wrote another show together and Joseph, and I are so excited to finally share it with you again unlicensed, an audible original coming november, tenth audible. A calm slush, unlicensed and hey ratsey. welcome to night villas brought you by progressive, were customers who saved by switching their home and car, save nearly eight hundred dollars on average quote at progressive dot com. Press of casually insurance company in affiliates national average twelve months savings of seven hundred ninety three dollars by new customer surveyed who saved with progressive june, twenty twenty one and may twenty twenty two potential savings will very neat prophecy. Take a prophecy half of prophecy leave a prophecy welcome.
To night fail. I'm sorry in advance lakeville. I can't find any of my notes. I had so many stories for you today, but they're all gone now there something about a sin: coal and something about. Flesh gnawing virus. goliath escape escaped from the zoo, or maybe it just visited the zoo. None a lion bought a zoo. That's it my point. I had all my people work in a neat stack next to my microphone, but Station management moved it or they through the way or eight it I don't know, but what was
in place of my neatly tight and well researched news stories was a pile of memos about office for innovations, We have to clean up our work spaces before we leave today and move to temporary offices in the basement for next week station management is hired contractors to install new lighting red, do the installation replace the carpet, paint the walls and exercise a malevolent spirit. Joy, that last one Apparently, the sales team forgot to close the science that they opened during a client presentation. Last week anyway, I know this because, as I was can t you another three. Each member was tossed onto my desk, reminding us all the exact procedures for proper the ending of seance anyway All I ve been doing today is cleaning up my office space. I didn't even much but do have a salmon burger sitting right here, just waiting to be eaten
remember ordering it, but there it is, juicy mysterious fish patty with milk It came a bare and salami on a sour bun. Oh I'm starving, but I must wait. Until the show is done and now in date on former intern karim, so we heard this morning a man who looked sound. And smelled exactly like Rima stopped by our offices. I was did, you see him, but he seemed not to know who I was or where he was. He said, I'm looking for me, double gang or he used to work here, and I oh yeah. Of course we are, you Did you kill him? I always heard you should kill your double this person green paused? He said he had it considered that, but I could see on his face that he was considering it now. What did know where his parents were. He told me that the other
had taken them from his home town in a place called mitch mentioned it. Mitch ended in an hour. that in turn, Karim had talked about this place before I was about to offer to make some calls when I heard a deep, mean voice from behind me. It was a voice, voice that sounded like many voices to many voices in human voices no guests, the voice, boomed, I saw a green space, go pale and slack his eyes bulged here What was behind be? He saw what no one should ever see these. Station management run. I whispered urgently to him, but he did not move. Run I grunted again above him. A set of long razor, sharp teeth hung and just like that
nap down on empty air raid We're Kareem's head had been seconds before he was finally running seated management chasing him down the hall to the front entrance, don't stop. I called the and under no circumstances should you look back so if you're, the former intern karim and your listening to the show right now. First, off pay, how are you second You have a double and I think he might want to kill you, or maybe just talk to you for something and between anyway heads up about that day. Thinking about double gangsters makes me hungry that salmon burger looks good its double stacked with bright, pink beat and long tendrils of fried onions hanging down it. It has a gene to it like get swearing and it a sound weird, but even
but what does it have eyes were face. The same. Berger seems to be, staring at me. Oh cecil you're only hungry. Let it go. Ok, so another set of memos just got tossed onto my desk. Let's see what's in these Please burn all paychecks dobbs blah blah blah blah blah. Please only use reply all when you're really mad about something out who cares no more building false idols and the break room. Oh that's written for you Kathleen. I mean I'm happy. you found religion but we're all tired of hearing about hunter car returning to human form on earth, here's another memo and this instructed me. Attention cecil gerstein palmer, you have been play in charge of cleaning out there. Basement. It says here that the finance office has already cleared out all the boxes. I only
we need to do a thorough sweep and wet mocked the floors. This is for you He was why me why clarence murphy, the maintenance man to do all of that. That's his job to listeners, a very warm and damp hand just slid another memo over my shoulder, I want to turn around to see who or what it is. But I know I should not never look back, cecil, never look back. Ok, the subject line the maid its man body of memo, says it was forty years ago on the night just like tonight: maintenance, an clarence murphy disappeared, something he retired and move to palm desert. Some say here el into the boiler his body never discovered
Some say he transcended the next plane to being. But the truth is he never existed in the first place, we are all clarence murphy, the maintenance man. He was a collective dream. He had. oh body, yet he lives on within us. Please please, he please, with sugar, on top clean the stupid, smith. Cecil exo, exo stay. Management and they gotcha taped, a single bloody tooth to the bottom of the page, the who All tooth all the way down the route stem so tired. I need food badly, where's that salmon burger. Maybe I can take out quick bite or to be worded the salmon burger, was sitting right here, only two feet from me, and now now it's gone up who
scared me listeners. This, a strange man hunched over my desk, sorry I see so it's me Joseph think. We we met in the coffee shop a few weeks back you said I could come visit you at the station whenever I wanted. Oh, yes, of course, Joseph the pod, a pod pod person, yet podcaster. I created night, fail, and that Why I wanted to come by I've been out here in this town of my own making- and it's been really hard- because it's not a nice place. It's surprisingly nice here in fact it's been hard because I've been trying to get home to see my wife, Megan and my baby, who have now met, and it is more than a year old, now I'm so sorry to hear that you know my.
Spend, and I went through a similar situation a few years back. Oh course he did. I wrote that I don't follow. You know it. There was a very nice of you to say thank you. but while searching for away home, I've managed to meet a lot of people, and I found it- fascinating in I met Dana cardinal and she's. This, isn't it It can be sent to you but sounds exactly like my friend jessica though she, looks totally different. I realise in writing the characters for the show that I never really think about what they look like. I guess this vision, the actors who play them yeah, you're right this: is it making sense away that's not true. Michel win looks a lot like Kate Jones. That was freaky, but, like you, you don't look. Thing like cecil baldwin. Ok, oh! What do I look like that's good point. Let me describe your exact physical appearance, so
First off you, I was tat while I, can't see exactly what you see but based on the smell, a bert hair and olive brine, and the look on your face. It's probably station management. I never would have imagined them. Looking like that, I mean Joseph. station management does not like guests in the building. I need you to, oh clean, the breakthrough, but why? Will you're a new internet, absolutely not no way what you're in the building without a guest pass. So, according to station managements rule book, you either work here or you I hear ok understood cleaners or under the sink next, the snake bucket. Great, enter joseph and station management have finally left while listeners, this day is too much hungary out dang, I should have said
out my new intern to get me lunch since my salmon burger disappeared. Oh no, wait here, it is. Listeners, my salmon berger is climbing the wall. It's about eighteen inches wide. Now, if you include the light of its long sharp legs and it climbed the wall. I now Its devouring the clock, I use the clock for ad breaks. Salmon burger come on speaking of which it's time for a word from our sponsor, and for that we deb, the sentient patch of haze. I deb, I say for Are you going to have to work in the basement yeah, yeah they're, moving us down there for a week, while they do renovations my cousin rob lives down there. He loves to read books play video games and creating humidity is a real normal kid. I think you're like em. I'm looking forward to it so high. With today's sponsor.
Today's show is brought to you by pabst blue ribbon. Yes, The aps blue ribbon is made from the freshest ingredients, malt barley spring water microbes, probably salts, I don't know what else did a brute beer with chicken. stock, I have never made beer before you I know they put eastern definitely east and we germ is the affair. It is now clear, blue ribbon, makes their beer with all of these things and, most importantly, they make their beer with love, love of every kind. Every kind do every kind cecil. Well, It sounds like a delicious beer. I can't wait to wrap my make
it is that you point this out. That's just our new station intern joseph hall enter and good luck. Pal you're going to need it. It's heartbreaking! You have makes voice. You sound exactly like her, but you're. Not her. Are you with this? as deal I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. It's just makes voices well, it's beautiful and it's funny and smart em. When I hear her speak especially now, especially here I feel happy. Your voice makes me happy, make dead Debbie sound, like my wife. All the extra sweetie a lesson, I dont know who make is that. I hope that you all home, I am fully by april- is there Spider, you're, a big son of a gun and cheese
hey you to listen up. Station management is not happy about this add being disrupted, so you better get off the booth intern Joseph back to work, dab draft, an apology to the sponsor salmon burger, stop destroying my studio listeners go now whether
ok offices are all cleared out: finally moved down into the basement, it's very dark but renovation have begun, and by this time next week will have a sparkling new office. That's the good news now the bad news, to the family and friends of Joseph think. He was a good in turn and he will be missed. You got the room super clean plus. He told funny stories about how he created this town, but and a foul of station management he drew did one of our lives spots and that will require a make good Joseph did the un's forgivable. So station management did the unspeakable they towered over the frightened Joseph their teeth bear. their sharp claws reared back and in one fell swoop, delivered down upon him, a pink slip, inspired
Joseph is no longer and in turn at our station but at least several free him up to pursue his favorite hobby of searching for his wife and child and all To spend more time in this town, he loves so much. He didn't something about trying to find my former intern karim, a measure of if Joseph, the real karim or the cream double either way. said he wants to form a double gang, your support group with karim and Dana good luck in your future endeavours Joseph as for deb, these sentient patch of haze she's fine? she's a sentient patch of haze. It's not like she can be physically harmed station management did fire her too, but they fired her dozens of times and she, comes back to work like nothing happened and no, ever says anything. Finally, an update on my luck,
the seven burger had transformed itself into a spider like creature, the size of a footstool, it The ball devoured, a club light fixture and a couple of polystyrene ceiling. Tiles then drop down onto deb and joseph while they we're trying to do the as it reared back to tat the two of them, but station management arrived just in time to be they are stationed management didn't come there to save them. Station management entered the booth, because the do in turn was ruining a paid live spot though there each over josephs error turned immediately into rage against my spider shaped salmon burger. It turns out station management, was right about that seance that the sale seem forgot to close out, since the science had been left, opened that poultry, I start debit, girl, demon or whatever I got loose. It then possessed the first piece of flesh. It found which turned out to be my samad burger
caesar management, managed to squash it with one hand, while spraying it with insecticide with the other and with yet another handy covered it with a large bowl, and we another hand. They called the exorcist and demanded she arrived this afternoon rather than tomorrow morning. There are other hands. They were typing up or memos about how to properly open and close a sales You know, I don't always see eye to eye with station management, mostly because we're not allowed to look directly at them without mortal consequences. but also because we sometimes differ on ways to run a radio station. Still I'm glad they had our back it's like that seen in hamlet, when hamlet tells ophelia, I'd fall a grenade fortier. I do anything for you and Ophelia says yeah totally same. Did they get married and move to Portugal? That's the kind end of devotion, that's important to me! So thanks
the states and management for looking out for us maybe you'd be into a union as well. ok and abysses cracking open in the floor in front of me, so changing the subject, and thank you to my friend and professional chef, Earl Harlan, who is this to my show today, Earl felt so bad about me not getting to eat my salmon berger that he may be another and brought it up here for me state next the sound of stress eating just that He has taught mike's packing sounds you ve ever heard good night night veil, good night Jeffrey cleaner. Here I work from home and I need help regimented everything from the amount of time. I work too, I should feed. So I use new to more closely follow my eating schedule on numerous daily chickens are super helpful for me and thinking
how food fits into my daily life and noom doesn't believe in restricting what you can or can eat. Instead, it gives the knowledge and wisdom, you need to make informed choices that fit your lifestyle and help you reach our goals. Stay focused and what's important eu with new wait. Psychology based approach sign up your trial today at noon. Dot, com, slash, night veil, that's n, o o m dotcom, slash night veil to sign up for your trial today and check out first ever book, the new mindset a deep dive into the psychology of behavior change available to buy now wherever books are sold, This show was sponsored by better help. But sometimes life is too much and you get overwhelmed whelmd or, like you feel like you showing up the way you want to. I I personally have found talk therapy super helpful. It helps me here what I feeling out loud, like you, use a mirror to put on make up and do hair and I'm u I wouldn't you want a mirror for your feelings as well. That's what therapy has been for me
We feel that empowered, your more prepared to take on everything life throats at you if you're thing You have giving therapy a try. Better help is a great option. It's convenient, flexible, affordable and entirely online, just falada We question air to get matched with licence therapists and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. If you want to live a more empowered life therapy can get you their visit. Better help d, calm, slash night veil today to get ten percent off your first month, that's better help. Eighty lp dotcom, slash night veil. Welcome to night fail as the production of night vale presents. It is written by Joseph think and Geoffrey trainer and produced by dispersion the voice of Joseph think. It's Joseph think, the voice of death is meg bash winner. The voice of night veil is cecil. Baldwin
original music by dispersion, all of it can be found at dispersion duck band camp dot com. This episodes, whether was find out by act that find them on any social media platform. By searching a gee. The eighty official comments, questions email I sat info at welcome tonight, fell dot com or followers on twitter. At night, will radio or write a book about your life go for it? check out. Night fell, presents dot com for info about our new show, unlicensed. The first show crew
by Joseph and Geoffrey, since night fell out november. Tenth today's proverb the questions not whose a good boy, the question is: what's a good boy, ask yourself that smart guy. The issue was sponsored by better help when you her feeling great you can do great, but sometimes life and all of the other. Feelings that come with it get in your way, I have found therapy really invaluable to me? Sometimes my therapies to deal with issues like a fear of flying something really rock solid, tangible,
but sometimes it just really, just a mirror to my own emotions. Well, we need a mirror for doing make up her hair. Just to see her school cells, and why not Have a mirror for your inner self to that's what therapy and being able to understand yourself better? Is empowering feel empowered, you're more prepared to take on everything. Life throws it. You better help It's a great option. If your wanting to try therapy it's convenient, flexible, affordable and entirely on line just the lot. A brief questionnaire to get me with a licence, therapists and switch therapist. any time for no additional charge. If you want to live a more empowered life therapy can get you their visit, better help, dot com slash night fail to today to get ten percent off your first month. That's better help. Eighty lp dotcom slash night veil,
I'm jeffrey, greener and my friend cecil baldwin? Well, he loves horror movies and is helping make scary films more approachable. For me, one film at a time in a random order, and hopefully for you too, if you love or you can watch along with us each week and if your bid squeamish, don't worry, we'll tell you what happens. Our show was called random number generator, horror, podcast, number, nine and it it's available where the podcasts are. X.
Transcript generated on 2023-02-23.