« WTF with Marc Maron Podcast

Episode 1170 - WTF - EPISODE 1170 MELINDA HILL

2020-10-29 | 🔗

If comedy equals tragedy plus time, comedian Melinda Hill has reached the point where she can make some funny out of the traumas from her past. Melinda and Marc talk about processing the pain, particularly dealing with parents suffering from mental illness. They also talk about Melinda’s trajectory in the comedy business, starting with success in voiceovers to her influential LA stand-up showcase What’s Up, Tiger Lily? to her acting, writing and podcasting ventures. Plus, Melinda talks about the connection she has with Marc’s past, something that requires a bit of processing on Marc’s end.

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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I do so many unforgettable classics watch Bruce brings in a letter to you exclusively on the Apple tv app subscription required for Apple TV plus, all right. What's do the show, guy all right. Let's do this: how are you what the fuckers, what the fuck bodies, what the FUCK Nix, what happening. This is Mark Maron, This is my pie marked Marin has this. Is this? Is here Mark Marin, he is art? Marin is talking about himself now this is mark. I mark this is WTF. How are you thing on your head, Were you able to get a haircut this? no time to buy shoes? Is it I don't know what you're thinking with that. Did you Kay, come out all right. I know some of you weren't
higher to outdo me with your cake experiences. I hope your cake made it. I d it makes a man be stu and corn bread, I'm going to honour the fall. Mankind I'm going to have a fall things that I always miss about who in a place said has well defined seasons, is that that I I missed the fall going outdoors in the fall. I miss said crispness in the air. I miss the heaviness of the air of the sky in the end, but the beautiful light of the fall in the colors injustice breathing in that kind of coal? air and knowing that you're wearing a couple layers- and you got your boots on- I miss it as soon as I get you just a little chile in LOS Angeles as soon as a desert
she'll, starts coming over over us here, my beanie on I was where my tweets jacket today got my yeah whites boots and my fill some pants. I got a flannel shirt on. And a layered up and I sat out of my porch and it felt kind of fun wish- I can't even explained- yeah. I think some you know fall people know, maybe it's because I was born in the fall. That's what some people say because it really moves me. It changes. My whole disposition I guess, there's a nostalgia trigger. I can't really explain the poetry of it, but somebody told me that it's if you were, you have a relationship with the season you're born into, and that seems make good sense to me. I'll, take it I'll. Take it today on the show. Talk two Melinda Hill Mine,
There was a comedian and are you might know or stand up? You she's also been onawandah comedy shows like Reno, nine one, one in the Sarah Silverman Program and she founded a show. We all used to do around here called. What's up Tiger Lily. I was at the the old you c B with Maria Manfred Natasha Zero and was actually at a cuban restaurant, I believe originally and then it kind of moved around the places she got a new special outcome, Melinda Hill, inappropriate I've noticed forever and she's what people like what she up to where you been how you been in she. Actually came over here and we did partitioned conversation. I put my plexiglas up and we did the thing and it was good. It was good we talk from in time, but deep shit and lover, and she did- and I want to set this up at the beginnings before he forget- she did want to make sure that you all knew that desk, he gets along with her parents.
We have conversation about parents sooner she's wanted. Clear that she's, okay with her folks, okay, alright all right dad? Why get that out of the way I want to give you a heads up to a thing here. Somebody's been on this show a great comedy writer, fun a person Mary Marco, she's, been on the past she's one, the original writers for the Euro, Jill David Letterman show an is written this this book, she's written a, out of stuff but dead. This the very unique in personal undertaking she's done here, she's she's written again, ethic novel memoir, it's called. We saw scenery their early diaries of narrow, Marco and hilarious and its personal. It's great writing from one of the funniest people out there.
And she did her own illustration. So it's got a very. The whole thing is a very personal undertaking and it's great Then it's called the early diaries of Marrow Marco we saw scenery is the name of the book shaken check that out wherever you get your books are right. So style jeez? What we're talking about the fall? Where does it take? You? I've thought about this. Idea before you now It's very hard to look forward with any yeah, reasonable speculation or excite meant or hope no matter. It happens. We're heading for difficult times, cover is out of control the year. Governments in chaos and malignancy people are terrified. The economy's buckling. So it's not like you can go like man. I can't wait till what you can. Wait until what until this does
These is gone to this president's gone to things like start to function again. Normally, why I don't know when that's gonna fucking happen. So it's been, I think normal thing at this point, as the people just churning through the past June churning through their past, in terms of memories going through stuff out of organizing going on reflection. Turning to the past of entertainment, cassettes what's available to us we start to worry about nostalgia, worry about hanging onto nostalgia like looking back and in ITALY, seeing The evolution of different choices. I ve begun to make. My life too may be a different person I too have hope, but I used to have this idea, was a concept that it tried to make a bit, but it just never worked because, based on the idea of your life flashing before your eyes, you- and they say that when you die
before you die your life flashes before your eyes, and I always like, or how long does it take you to have that it happened I quickly or like a year. You have because, once you start reflecting or or living in the past or being nostalgic about something you know or like one, old people say it was a different time. They wistfully say wow. It's a It was a different time. Is that the beginning of your life flash before your eyes? When does it happen? It are to stay engaged, because the present is terrifying, but be careful not to get to nostalgia because it may be your life flashing before your eyes. I guess that's the warning been doing a lot of cooking. Did I mention that made some beef stew. I mentioned that the beef stew. Everyone wants to keep their home family safe people, whether it's from a break in a fire fighting or a medical emergency, simply safe home security, delivers
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simply safe com, WTF for your free security camera. Today that simply safe, dotcom flash Are you t F, a right, don't get to nostalgic. I note for the four men are bottom apples, there's something out man, something about the fall in a crisp apple. Looking at it pumpkin wearing a sweater. Breathing and maybe a slight handover fireplace in the distance or if you live out in la the entire state on fire man, it's now like form of northern California, smouldering what the fuck man I was going to go on. I gather day the air was too shitty again and the where I hide caught fire as not getting go, I always wondered about that. What do you do got a plan in your head but usually Those plans or about is. Good is like when you were younger and he thought.
If this elevator cable broke, I could just jump up right before it hits and then land safely yeah, I got a plan from on the mountain and it catches fire I'll, just go up to area where there's no trees and lay down no good, no Bueno. You better run man, so yeah the fall nostalgia. I had dreams again, I had a shelf in dream, and down its heavy man. But it's good I'm trying to see them as good and trying to see them as visits. My grief has been thought of it turned into a kind of a baseline sadness, but but At this dream you have been doing these instagram lives I say some shit about some people. Occasionally I try to maintain
certain amount of diplomacy, but you know sometimes right real. Feelings come out tempered, but true. But I said something about somebody in a show, but it's just his old sort of weird kind of gnawing resentment that he always been worked over. It's not it's, not active, but that guy from radio lab. But he went Said something to a friend of mine at an event about me in it would not knowing it was my friend the guy back to me and it kind of gave it of stuck in my craw forever. So. I was just telling the story. But the dream was like in the dream: has weakened my phone and there was an incoming call from radio lab like our now and when was just there She just write my face and she was smiling she's like what did you do? What it why? Why
don't- you want to answer the phone. What did you do and she's working me smiling like knowing that I did something wrong and unlike way- and she was just like what did you do? An her? face was right up near my face and I put my hands and I grabbed her cheeks and I just held her face, and I said that, I said I miss you. I miss you, and, and she walked a few feet away, and she goes it's real it's real or this is real. I don't know which and I don't know what you are referring to, which she was during the visit or she referring to her being gone. I don't know, but it did
you know me and it made me realize it was that energy like what did you do? What don't come on. Mark oh, come on she's such a big hearted person, big spirit, and I have to be careful. Not the wet mine close up, I have to be careful not to mark, was about to be careful not to hear to be angry, unresentful and mean again. I do I do miss her and I do like I do. I gotta those visits, and I'm I'm really trying to active we make memory a blessing show. Moment to hill is my guest and her new special
Melinda Hill Inappropriate, is available now on Amazon, Prime Apple TV, you tube in Two other video on demand platforms, to get the audio version, I mean streaming music platforms and and I've. I've known her for a long time, she's always been on the periphery. If not right in front of me going on. Eighteen years, she's It's always been around. I've always been like you know. What are you doing in there was soon the first time we talked like this. This is me I kinda Melinda Hill. Look. I wore this in honor review cat save thank your cat. Seventh. How many do you have cats? You got one yeah. I have the one just the one yeah did you have more. I would like to get give him a little friend how long ago,
this one, this one stardust is is about four years old. So been but she's been time. The whole time you defined see this guy used to have the old ones. So I feel he's longing, oh yeah, and it makes me sad. I I it's Does he need somebody? That's how I feel I ask him all the time I'm like do. You need a little french and I got you a little number. Get India and do you feel like you get responses? What are you feeling like she's saying? Well, it's a huge ok, so I just nothing, and so I should ask for hours. We identified the day he and he believed he the lion, so he's not really a car. Ok, I'm not really sure if he would like another one that will that's the risk you take right. If you get another one, then you know now enjoy get out get along with I know my guy. I know how he behaved a bully and he's a fucker any
the beat up on the old man. Ok, no respect for age, this gap and and it was like it. It was problematic because when monkey got old and sick this this was like jumping on him. I was like dude so he was actually I neglected so it is the first time because he's ever since he was, I got him. I had the old cats and he was always sort of the third banana. So now he's got all my attention he's. Turning into this other kind of cat kind of wild, like a like a happier cat he's just becoming more friendly, little more open a little more connected, because when I got one cat, if I'm focused on a cat checking in all the time, you know don't you, For sure I mean where you walk in Europe, hi yeah, where you yeah yeah, but when you have a couple You focus on the old guy, my old guy yeah Brad, but his eyes likely. I was just so ably Malone. We Malone like stop it.
So that was the relationship and now it's sort of like hey buddy all the time and he doesn't. I don't think he knows what to do with it. Where, where did you get him showed up? He was eating on the porch of my old house, wild and fucked up and crazy. Okay did it was I think quite whose feral I think some on Yahoo. Someone had gotten him, had him for a while, and then he got out and we can the wild, but he's only a couple months all, but he was fast and crazy. And living in the wild ass crazy. I guess: wouldn't fuck him he's a tough, Fuck, I always tell starts I remind him of the story that you know the gin story, the origin story, exactly I tell it to him like a bedtime story of, like you were rescued from the dowdy, shelter and an downy where we do in their well. Several friends knew I wanted a cat Maria Bamford took me to the Pasadena,
alter to get one and they didn't have any kittens available that day weirdly. So my other Beth took me to the Downy shelter and that's where I found this little guy and he was in a cage with a bunch of rapscallions who were like going nuts on the cage and he was their little demure wine. Got him yeah, that's nice and worked out, yeah he's a parttime rapscallion. Oh, he concealed it that day yeah, but generally he's very demure and sweet. Putting on a show wanted to get out. Get me out of your lady I got your number yeah exactly. We are no cap back when I me nine- I moved here. We had that Butch CAT and then that die by we had gotten that cat another cat, boomer and- and I picked up crazies cat in the place because we went to some. Shall there was it wasn't like a city shelter, but it was one where it
Like most of the cats were cats at peace, LE got tired of all all the cats look like they were over ten and clearly, like other people's cats, produced one there was one that was just out of his mind, I'm like that one and I didn't realize it until I trap these other guys that that fucking guy completely feral completely oh wow, so like what it's the training process like bringing him into breaking down these other ones that I had aren't you maybe decade, you get them to sit on your lap or something, but you can't pick them up. They're tweaked all the time, but do you know you get used to my? Have I've had three barrel cats like real Pharaoh cats, now my life from either it because he got a fight for it. the distance air fares aggressive boundaries you now, that's the end like when I get catheter, just sort of like loving fat, little cats and my callow suffers Jesus. Look at you,
Oh, my god, I'm pulling together by like I was thinking about our How long I fucking known you yeah it's kind of crazy. It really is right yeah. I always want like. Whenever I see I'm like what has she been doing, my God Melinda? What are you even? Where are you? Where have you been? What have you been doing? That's the feeling I get now now you've got this special coming out yeah. What's it called, it's called inappropriate where'd, you do it. I do. Down the street in Hollywood. Well down the for me, what do you mean what place? It's? Cynthia to row in cod Oh, my ribs are the ironical yeah, that's weird little theatre role here,
What is going on down there like a lot of play is happening mare, Alot of Ruth always like you know like what is how it's like you ve, been there forever yeah I've done stamp shows there. You have one, one point or another, but I'm just like theirs. There's not much theater in LA, and I just always wonder how those places work did people just rent them out. Did you just rent it out yeah? Did you do a run there before you know? I thought we considered it, but I just now I just did two two shows and one night and taped it. So you shot it yeah without two three cameras. I think there is three you pulled the crew together, yeah, exactly yeah did you use the boat shows are just the one you now. The second one was pretty unused about, so it's primarily with various strategies that always what happens again. Yo shoot the two Rarely in my experience, I haven't used a lot of the other one.
Yeah. No, we just mostly went with the first one and comedy dynamics is putting it out. And it's coming out. I just did a deal with them after the fact. Well I had made a list of places that do specials, and I thought I would just go down and call the people on the list and they were like the first name and they just took it. So I didn't go to any of their names. Good, for you be a fighter. Go ahead and get what you want. So anyone walk all over. You Melinda wait. The first people want it. Let's take it right, we take it right, well Maria, because I'm really good friends of Maria Bamford and she had just done her special with them and she was like they're amazing yeah. It was like a glowing indoors, so she was championing you of it he bring you into them. No, I just wrote them myself, you wrote them yeah, no management, I
So what was the deal? A handshake? Okay, you're like? Were you guys? Distribute this sure. Do I get any money? Wholesale sounds perfect. Take you! No, I had a lawyer. Oh I did a deal good. You know there was a negotiation. Is real show business yeah. I didn't just send them a handwritten letter. I didn't just send them the beta tape and say you know the basic we wish for them. We didn't wish for the best good, whether it's good So now, but this is your first special yeah baby, on cds or yeah, I feel like you have. I did a few cds back in the day, a few cds back in the day yeah so I M at the club right yeah I mean this was supposed to happen years before supposed to air quotes. You know it was purchased by
yeah. Do you remember that company chill? No okay, so they made Maria's other special, the one she did in front of her parents, the one with the parents? Yes, I love, and then they did like ARI Shafers and Greg Proops and stuff, and we had a deal with them. I was a bill ten at the time and then they folded whole company, faulty Georgia, production company, yeah, and then I was with anonymous content and they were also making after bursting factor proceedings within was making them a special with them that didn't go through, and so now I just did it on my own Europe, persevering woman will add. I also feel leg if it had happened at those times it wouldn't have been the same special, it's a much better special. Now. How so. At those times it probably would have been a series of funny Data
stories gone wrong, which are Always entertaining you right now, there's a more thorough narrative mark and I ve learned more as a person and there's it's this minds about healing trauma so that we don't continue to recreate a and Zella route. He heads like an empty our special. It's got a very aptly after what you have to move your head. If you move your eyes when you are to back and forth someone should do that. That would be a revolutionary it typically. It actually is it actually is neat it's a bit about when I went to. India are really my trauma. Yeah holy shit, yeah. Well, that's, okay, good, and so it's it's. I feel like it's got a much stronger message now, because I have more healing as a person where'd you come from. Work like white. Where did you like because like when I got here when I got back here in two
in and two and I was desperately trying to plant myself here, yeah yeah, I wasn't really known. You had a room early on right, yeah like way early early, I was like a box right, I tried wasn't, was in a mall, was a box It was a b exactly it was a box in a mall. Let's see I had first, I had several oh wait. Where'd you come from okay, so I was born in Hutchinson. Kansas, Kansas you're, like a Kansas person, yeah where's Hutchison, Hutchinson Hutchinson, yeah Hutchinson, where or hutch urge for locals Myers. And they say how many high schools are in Hutchinson, I don't actually know because we live there like two months. She got out, don't have a lot of them fell about it, but it's a small town in cancer. So that's that's where you were born and then were words. You grow up
so we moved twenty seven times what the fuck military you're just running away. My dad you a criminal, I would say both my my dad was military was Navy and he was bipolar. He loved to move on a bipolar hi. My dad did the whites sure yeah really how many times when he destroyed his wife and hit the road. I don't know it see, I'm trying to think so. The stern Albuquerque within Victoria Taxes, Warsaw in New York, Musketoon Iowa Ion Remember like there was at least four or five times where and I used the track. It goes like you in my mom, broke up so he'd. He hit the road, he was a doctor, but he got kind of chased out of Albuquerque.
So like I never got the full clear story, but I knew that he would what he would do ass. He would sign up. He would he would get a job, basically as an orthopedic surgeon in existing practices in doing a year deal with them in these different place, so he won't have to, hey. You have an office. He went at Yale you just entering in practice in these, The towns then he stay there for a year, but it always sort of kind of it was the archivist cycle like you. By the time you after I get the feeling that the town wanted him to leave. The do you know like it was right around the time or the mania would kick he'd be right and let s to the newspaper and you get so I I am for I guess I'm guessing I'm familiar with the man. Compulsion yeah dad would say like. I want a new life here I don't even think that conscious, but I do think that's what it was tat. He would
say: we've got to go yeah, and sometimes it would be like that night. Oh really, yeah he'd be like we're leaving, and you know in the middle of the night, how many kids were there? Three, that's crazy, it was very, it was. Was he in trouble ever? He was ever in trouble that I know of so he wasn't like literally like we got to get out before they get me. No, it was just more like I mean he would have like a reason, always like job trip or I'm leaving this job or I need to there's a better job here or you know something like that, but he loved to move like I've, never seen him happier than when we were moving in motion yeah that free eat feeling yeah. Start over Well, you know how they caught. They call that a geographic traffic energy so. If you, young people, change our hair all the time, it's a hare geographical or through your sound of her there
and you wanted to I've done some hair and clothing geographics. In my time sure me too, oh my god, but you have you, you look exactly the same for Why do we only reiterate fifty years, could tell you I can see Melinda ill from. Half a mile away and know? Was you thank you confirmed. I did you. I did do Brown, hair ones Why then ready her for geographic didn't get it, though, I think I d chop it off once when I was leg eighteen hours before I'm here right. So bad luck, you can work. All my cones and see like. What's this guy got going on today, Haircuts Alfred Did it change lad? I think you look exactly the same. I've I walked in it. In point I go it's time to commit. Two young wife had the mustard configuration for awhile,
If I had it when I met you, They had when I got here, maybe scruff, but not the mustache I'd long hair. I don't remember the long hair I feel like you've. Always I guess it was kind of short. You look the same. I feel like you've always looked the same yeah I'll take it. I think it's about right. Some people look drastic. Play different from year to year. Yet was people, do they rebranding it that guy's not worked and anti war. I need a new hook, a guy. I always knew you know, he's a comic. He was on a comic last standing Chris Tall Guy these be lacking looks like this from the South Chris Porter Chris Porter. He went through full rebranding. What's the rebate just like Guenaud guard their foreign room, glasses, short hair? Now he's not he's not like white trash. The rock anymore he's like
a comedy nerd guy, now o four we want full Jonah Ray well. I guess We allowed to evolve. Of course, I'm a the full all believer so you're going from town to town. Most. The cycles like every year tighter must tighter entitled a really varied We did live in twenty seven places there many schools are worth it was. We definitely wrath and I feel like my foot Formative years, though, were spent in Colorado. Springs wit, I kind of think of as home or even now. I never visit workers. School yeah wake. You know ninth grade in there, and then we moved to a little town called whittling park. Colorado
and then we moved to Hallstatt Kansas. When I was rapporteur when I was a junior in high school through kept pulling out of high school, pulling out of friends, so you're unable to really make bonds that lasted exactly broke in terms of the bipolar situation. So your mom there was she just like a kind of codependent in this situation. Did she have a bad? Did she have any sort of will or strain of her own in the face of this horrendous I am assuming tornado of by polarity. Now she was married, yes stuff. Codependent married. Nineteen? Had me thereafter, I'm the oldest twenty shared you yeah nineteen nineteen I having a child and ninety my mama's twenty two, I can't figure it out and she had to subsidy when children immediately my both my brothers,
and you know, was your dad still in the military. No, my dad. returned from the navy. He was like twenty six, He met my mom and they were married there. Three children- my ma am I had was an orphan. She was friend at six so. She got up and foster parents. She was separated from her. She was six children there all separated at each sex from their parents, because her dad had PTSD like shrapnel in his rain from the war, and so he couldn't care for the children they you forget it them like like stuff like that. Was the mom The mom was there, but she, I guess, had emotional breakdown I don't know if it was like wow, so your mom
lived with this family. This was a for six till she was six, so she was six, so she was wired for she was in her future exactly and they were out like you know, she was like one of the oldest her and her sister, so they would care for all the other kids. So they was like to have to steal food. Eight like that love all before they were taken away and then they were being separated into foster care. And are more cross. She tells like the story that, like they were, orphan age and the highlight of the kids day was like when this policemen would come around on his beak to the window and like do like a funny dance for the kids like they would gather around the window. Unlike wait for this, policemen were excited live entertainment for his first open MIKE and anyway, so she was, she was essentially adopted and by
very abusive alcoholic. She ran away at sixteen with her brother, the two of them more adopted. They were adopted to gather by He's alcoholics, Andy alcoholic woman Wade just beat them up every night I mean this was before they knew about child abuse and stuff, and we knew about it and be no kids. They don't know like we're supposed to report this. No, you know it would actually ring adopted. So at one point my Mama Sixty might her brother was fifteen. Her brother is getting you been up or whatever, and he ran out. Door to the police station and my mom ran after him, and they were taken out of that home. And my mom went with her friend and then my like. You know- oh my god and he's back from the Navy and he's got the bipolar well
Nobody knows that he has bipolar until years later, so my whole childhood, it was unmeditated, so like war. What were what did he go? Downtown bigamy like depressed YA, hear you. Gatt like a really depress and he was from like the good family in the town. So my mom is like a really excited to be with him in a part of this great family. My mom, like utterances yeah Ganz, is also came thither all shiver. What it was like a great to be a part of a great fan. Where he from Hallstatt he's from Hallstatt Hutchinson, just where you were born right, so halted its close to Hutchinson right, it's like an hour away. But how instead has brick streets were so you come from, like an old family in Kansas, rich family They're not rich, but they were very well well respected. The health of of they killed. Evolves and you know all this sip there were nine children can flag
and they were all like this star athletes ability girl. You a million, I don't even know hundreds Do you know them now? No, I mean yes, of course, I know them and remember them from many gatherings through my childhood and my grandma always had like these fabulous yeah gatherings with all the you know, cousins down, but I'm not closed. So this is like nothing. Cycle analyzing, but I mean this is like kind of rough dig get any footing in the old said. of self. I imagine kind of Walking tethered vessel
That's the name of my next pace and tethered vessel wow. yeah, I truly yeah you're right and he wandered out here somehow Yes, I and others I blew in here from Kansas, like the wizard of OZ. Other looking for someone to tether. You yeah. Looking to show business tether. You yeah, looking to the most able business the world apparent. Okay, Yes, like so many of I know but what was like, so why are you the siblings all right, a green Meyer? That's good! That's good sense! area concerned nausea. So I guess you know you think that a three year like coming from depression and in that kind of stuff,
talking of so many people. It is nice to to know that young people get out good, not only you, but that they're doing ok, yeah sure it's it's inspiring. Did you take the head for them, what do you I mean? Were you? I mean you're, the oldest yes, so were you more aware of lightning insanity? Did we? U protective of them like I was it's really hard to even out live in that and want to protect everyone- and I definitely like wanted to protect my mom and my brothers. There was a very turbulent household. So You know, I definitely wanted to but to do that, and I kind of like grew up. Kind of getting my validation and life by being people's counselor. You now hearing people supporting people or your mom some
yeah for sure was like always trying to save my mom miserable per and what was it was your other abusive or just out of his mind, oh, he was a rager out. I know that I think that's why you always had enough aversion to me to me that, like he's monster right there, I can see a man I've- never had a natural aversion to mark. What are you talking about? Is this an maybe maybe you slightly imagine, but I'm projecting. No, not really, not. Really. I was you know. I was a rager when I was younger yeah, so I understand it. Well, it's familial right. So it's my old man, sure yeah yeah yeah! Well, that's horrible! It's horrible! I mean it certainly, you have a lot of white Yoke is associate you with my ex wife so and and know that was my.
The reason why she left me he was because of that, so I'm familiar with it. And I know that the damage that it can cause because it It's so. It's so arm. Why, especially with my powers you can't help them when their depressed, though drain you that way,. And then when they're manic and they're raging around then they just you can't be close to them, because they're gonna hurt you right so you're, just your whole sense of self gets all Shattered yeah I mean- and it's just really unpredictable- I mean it's so predictable, but you don't know what it's gonna yeah so he would be like the most charismatic person in the world. Than alternately ferried to present sad, not just like a black hole talking to anyone. Only speaking to the pets make it that
Look in there I, when their depress the kind of like there's a war like an almost kind Lostness inconsolable God, not even there like there, but not. There is right and then alternately extreme rage. Like throwing the vacuum like WAR zone man. Sorry, you went through. Thank you, So when not physically abusive that, thankfully that's lucky, though a little trick here to address the trauma. It is because it's subtle, yeah, it's it's like a period of alike I find specially with the idea that if you have an event that you can start with and move through, that's like tat seems to be really the good way to do it. But if you just sort of like well my childhood, ok, so
so that's a long therapy session did you do EMDR two? I have okay, I do. What was your experience? What's your experience Buddy Steve, as it is one of the big guys who had practitioners of Steve Danzig, If now here is my sponsor bizarre, so you're, my friend and he got. He got hip to it a few years back, so he actually teaches EMDR. So he kind of We told me about it and when any show me how worked. By lately. I've been seeing a therapist who does it a friend of his woman in processing. You know the lens death in that specifically, you know like last last week, a week or so ago, going through that last week of her life.
If here here, I'll, make why not, knowing that she was dying and then looking back at it after she passed on my plane and the other weight of that, we that we, you know, we doubt re reprocess- that twice I have a second time a couple weeks ago and definitely helps you feel lighter. Are you feel like the house? Is it making you feel? Well I mean it's really about. Like you said, you know once you've whether you believe in the homeless, focus of it or not, because I think that EMDR uphill battle is come on with the others, and this and however you're going to do it right it. It seems little crack potty right but I there is some sites, era they're, having a lot of success with vets and ptsd and stuff. So for me, why I understood that the agenda was to kind of like open up whatever the I don't know. Do you know exactly how it works? I think, and I'm part
phrasing, but but it's been described to me something like you, take traumatic, traumatic memory that currently currently reacting, do and reacting from that space in your life. The historic whole trauma and you take a new process in real time nervous. I movement stuff and it puts into their right drawer in your brain, see you're no longer reacting from that space. You're, not constantly red traumatize in yours right or perceiving circumstances to be historic, all right, so that I move and thing or the buzzer's kind of track the brain in a way that you can pull stuff out of your your reptilian or animal brain where trauma plants, plants itself am moving into the more cognizant thing kind of like I'm, a spread it out or something yeah and end. I think, is processing those emotions of grief of anger and sadness of fear. I like it the process
where you start with the thing and then and then you do the buzzers or the eye movement and then like where you at now, and you kind of go through that, like five or six times until you see where you end up yeah, even that process without buzzers, eye movement would be good yeah, but with it to answer your question like I was Congo is compulsory going over all that other things happened. Yeah that weak, not so much. I thought I didn't do what I could, but I didn't know she was dying. So you have the in rhetoric. Back to certify that. Maybe I should do, Take your like it. It's not a whole lot of have would could have because What she had would have done or in any way but there are moments were were like. I are you there just in they just you keep going back and keep so that so by reprocessing at it seems to have subsided a little. I dont revisit it. That's right
really powerful to not be in that loop? Because that is that? That's I believe, that's what it's it's coming up for healing right. So in doing this point says it's healing right. So could There we were talking about is like a long period of different types of trauma. Yeah, you know what's started happening was I started kind of hiding, like going underground like one in to have you know, do my career and in getting this acting were concept, but I would start like hiding there's something inside of me like undermining me like trying to stay. Where it just felt safe and like isolating yeah like you know I had tiger lily and it was like crowded every week and we'd have these great lineups and yeah. You started that room with Maria Maria Bamford and was it just you two? It was Maria Bamford Natasha, a zero and and me a file ad. Let's feel us at the
cuban restaurant yeah? I thought it would be a weekly show that would last like a month and it just ran for ten years ahead of life of its own right. So it's well, maybe we'll back up in deck and then drive into the trauma. So when do you When do you run away from home? so he laughed home three days after high school. So, eighteen years old you like fuckin done our azure. You could be, as I had to go and I did feel guilty. I genuinely my brother's there, but I had to go where you came here now so because we had been moved from Colorado Springs where all of my friends were my boyfriend and stuff. I wanted to go back and be with them for that summer, so I told my mom I'm going
to Colorado Springs for the summer with no intent of ever coming back, but she didn't know that right. So I went to Colorado Springs to try to you know be with all my friends. Well, they all moved on high school's over they're all going to college. You know, and so I'm just there like the loneliest feeling in the world like trying to oh, my god, so you go back to get some I'm going to go. Back home in my friends in your knowing gonna, get my gun team years back and a guy said: Coins moved on well so check this weird nanny job. But a scholarship added theatre, scholarship due to Wichita State University, and and I was like well I'm going to take six months off and take this weird nanny job. Why is it weird? It pays. Like two hundred a month margin You lived at the house, yeah, okay,
And took care of these four children war, and I was like eight, I was eighteen. Crazy was what were the parents weird Now the I mean it was a sweet woman should fight its hands with always gone, but I I just took it in a moment. I needed like a place to stay and then I just ended up staying there for lake. Semester and then I was like what am I doing. I need to go to school and I moved back and took my scholarship, so you went from taking care of your siblings to taking care of strange kids yeah. Well I mean I wouldn't call them strange. They were, they were sweet, but the kid here, take a role followed, you arrived and yet so you go What's to you a second Wichita, ambiguous theatre degree idea. Benches plays no venture writing classes, and that's where I got like a lot of I mean had already been doing plays for years. He went for four years. You did the whole thing. No. I did a year there and I did a year at KU in Lawrence yeah.
Did you get degree or now now Phuket? I when I got some skills. Did some writing classes got some skills and then I came here and went to acting school where Joanne, Baron Joanne. Baron she still around, I believe so. There was the famous people who were her. Famous people famous like Robin Right PAN, that's all I can do They all have one No, I'm sure there are many IDA that did you could act in school. I did not go there school, but I did study some acting with Mark Mark Gordon New York, briefly took it here and there, but I never. I never. I would never say I studied for very long. Do you feel that it helped you or you didn't really need it, because you always just pay yourself right now, wait a minute I think that I'm a new nuanced actor that does different variations
I don't know that didn't land. Well, I feel like a lot of comedians. Are such good actors and dramatic actors as well and then some really just they're just straight comedy, right yeah, I don't know, I didn't really do any acting until much later I mean I didn't really know it was really here and there and I never saw it. I never tried to do it because I'll We believe that they were just at some point. There were just people better, six come with me the it's not. I can't do it so I, like your gray. I think your great and glass here, but that was four years ago rights. I was already has fifty something years old mean that's really the first acting job. I really had was doing Marin, I feel let down my late forties, but that's per I'm not gonna, wait! Nine me! I'm not complain and I'm just saying that none of it was going to happen and it didn't. And I never, I guess my point was I never really put myself out there to be an actor. I couldn't handle it re, because I
guy. I had so much invested in my own work to go and do like mediocre scripts and have his disguise. Which come out of your mouth and have that beer I am worried about what You can deliver the garbage. Well, I mean it's like fuck, it yeah and I don't even think I don't even think I had representation for a decade. I think Dave Beck used to tell me that I had representation, but I really don't think I did. what I don't think I had an agent. I think I had every once in a while. He gets somebody to do him a favor and send me a out a few times and guiding get anything in them by just in a just stop fucking worryin about here. That's what things out? They re no wasn't worryin about it. When things his is. When I fired day Becky, I lost everything. Mission left me crushed. My life had nothing and aid, and I didn't know it was gonna happen. That's when it happened now point I I I gave up that's what happen more MIKE. I guess his knock and work out. That's when it happened. Not one of my uncle
but I seriously with just right, over and under two figure, something out I've had such similar experiences of just giving up, and then there's there. It is. You know it's just giving up that plan and being like okay, I guess This isn't gonna be a thing well yeah, but you've had had so many things, and so many things we for a while that almost went I mean so like did it start am because, like you, ve there's some things. There are things you created that one for a while. Yeah? When did all that start happening uneven, plugin along I have been plaguing on. I mean, I guess you know. After acting school, my they have, they could have a little consultation at the end, and my teacher was
I think you should go into comedy you're accidentally funny, you're doing these serious scenes and everyone laughing figure out how to do it on purpose. Good luck with that. That's my next special accidentally funny yeah. So I went to the groundlings. Oh we're yeah, and I completely I mean I had never even really seen stand up at this point. My brother was a huge comedy fan, but I was through the growleywogs. I learned how to write sketches. I were you ever in the company now, so I will advance through ah well well here to the very tip top level and then at that precipice right before you go into Sunday company I, along with ten other people in our twelve percent class, were cut
devastating and it was a very talented tremendously, talented group. It was like Mikey Day who's on SNL. Now guys you got cut Brian Keith Ethridge. Well, MIKE was a, I think they told him to repeat and Brian Keath Ridge, who's, beg TB, writer and Christian Wegg and it was like a great group. But at that point I would cut from there and I was devastated. Till I mean imagine like. Spending like every night going to these shows and taking all the classes. In writing. All these sketches working towards this thing working towards a thing and really really putting heart heart and in this basket shit and then the basket gets up and walks away. So First lesson Joe business? What's the lesson there
necessarily meritocracy doesn't end well for many people and its. With rejection. That's right and so at that time I will first I would like I'm quitting I'm quitting, however, were you ever get it or you may get over there? I guess Kansas, hiring either now or to stay to apply to Kansas, can do you remember me Is it too late hour? I laughed at your next one person. So I too titles are coming up during this episode. Candidates. Hidell! Do you still remember me? That's a book, that's not it my third comment is special: that's a book. many may didn't quit acting will I did quit and I took a job waitressing. and I.
Out of the blue, this agent called me and they're, like we saw you at the growling, show oh great, they dragged you back in, like we just put a voiceover bothan, we think you'd be great. At voiceovers I went in an audition for this voiceover I booked it yeah. It ran four years I'll Again one the Emmy for outstanding commercial, really and the amounts some money, and I found out. I got the job while I was in the bank for identity theft. And I ve been identity theft. It, though his checks some like away just think it this job. Like thirteen, may I quit acting. Like I've got these checks that have washed my checks that I dropped in the LOS Fela's Post office and I'm in there sorting that out in my agent calls who sent me on one audition and they're like you booked it, and I just thought it was like a spec thing. I was gonna pay like fifty bucks and it was like this giant commercial campaign. In four Citibank
How many Domini strategy do know is that it was the Oji original Citibank spot with. Guys sitting in the Ruhr Kleiner and he's had his identity, stolen by a valley girl, and that was me going like first say, emptied the chair. King there is a sexy little outfit. You know that thing yeah. I have it that thing so that like ran and then I would started doing stand up as I was like wiping ran along time, re that commercial man for years, but that was back the day we made our money on that shit yeah. You know a lot of great money on those campaigns. And then I was doing stand up and there was a an agent in the audience for my CM boys, so I got signed, I see invoice and then I would have been working all the time and voice over. So that can't happen right after saying I'm never asking again
voiceover. That's worry. That was the secret. I was always certain likewise Monday, I know she can stand up earlier, but I gotta she'd go on the road. Where does she eyes over the other secret voiceover life near I was doing I've done a lot of voiceover and then the grounding stuff really came in handy because it was like using all those characters and and then I started doing those in my act- and then yeah and then I got on adventure time time. Cartoon did a lot of er. So do that. Yet That's great did you do I didn't one episode, but it seems like the college back all the time. You did a bunch of characters. I didn't feel like five and then like when Maria Manfred would sooner show they just would hire meted Dillon. Her voice is really
when she was doing cause. I know she's on adventure time. Oh yeah, yeah Maria did said: Marilla saw much voice stuff. I didn't realize due to a lot of waste, if it seems like you well, I do I have done lately. I did it. Flying squirrel on adventure. Time. I gave the iron in voice. first there not looking for me to have a lot of range. They want me to be what I am usually I have done to movies that are roughly different degrees of me. I don't do much of it. I don't I do to actually no. No, I don't do it. I don't do any of this. Oh no, please do but their leg we went to cranky guy we've got a cranky snail yeah, I offered you remember. I offered you a part in my my series as a as the angry guy yeah,
and like I can't do it and then Tj Biller. Did it good lucky you so when do now we're skipping, though over some of the the gossipy stuff, were skipping over personal life stuff, cause. I remember, there's a lot of trauma in the world of work the small and at that then, to wear like when he broke what's his name and went with their what's your name, there is like a big. There is theirs rupture in the community wide. She's not going out with what's his name and she's going out with her. When did this happen? Do you remember? No? What are you talking about I just remember Dillon.
Elan yeah, like you, were with Dylan, and he was sort of a comic right or Dylan, was not a comic. He was a very talented filmmaker, but he was always with you and then yeah. It was great, and but I don't know how public you are about, whatever it seems like you are, are you a bash nice lady public, about the secret society I mean I feel like it helps people meter so I'll see? You know him hammered at certain secret society meetings as I go to both of them, because I was with double one? I was. I do codependent thing: Andy Athos, yeah, and I will send you doubt you're not with dealing anymore and then you would take and it was like she would take. When did that happen that one up for like you were so right No, I was flip killing about and there's some time lapse issues in my
in your narrative, so I was, I didn't, keep up with you as fully as I should. You didn't keep the best tabs, but yeah. I was we deal in about two and a half year right and then I laughed we broke up and I left the secret societies and I started drinking oh, how long Energy October. Several years ago we so how's was found a start drinking. It actually was so fun yeah. This is really helping those people. Not only does their society not work, but it's fun to drink It definitely was really fun until it wasn't anymore and now I definitely prefer not drinking personally, for me, are you back in the game? Yeah, oh nice and one is eight gratulations. Thank you. I got,
twenty one year, whinnying no one any that amazing known ones just a day when you just got today. So when did it take thing happen we just going over wow. I mean what have you heard all of fact check heard anything. I just remember like we're. We're all sort of excited and intrigue moment ill is with dignity, sorrow and like a lot of us right loud takes got game player, Man Melinda, how does it work what's happening People made answer. Oh my gosh, so funny. Well, that happened about you know yeah. I guess around that time. Yeah Dylan and I broke up. I'd always had a boyfriend doing stand up yeah I was with Dylan the whole time, so I was never throwing out some single vibe right and and then yeah. I I started having drink
it shows and then I start. You know traveling around the world having drinks and other countries trying all the drinks You know having the mighty in Hawaii having regard around her having the psyche in Japan. You know having the hot tidy in London who I know how is already happening at all, because I was like doing tour is we were doing tourists for troops or rather know? Now I will tell you separate, stand up touring oak and then, while I was on a tour for troops across all of the South Pacific I was offered a job in London doing that show world sands up where they fly that comedians in from around the world and how these go for you did source here I mean you know it's it's the old. Immense serve ass, you know being of service, bring commie to people on islands and where you know they are starved for entertainment and morale. So
in that senses? really wonderful. When do you start this isolating thing like it was a couple years ago where you start to have these these symptom, of berry trauma, or So I saw a you know, I'm I'm doing Tiger Lily its moved too the Gower Gulch shoots in that little corner of the hour gulch. Nor did it do several yeah, you were there several times and it would be. It got really popular. It was like packed every week with these amazing comedians yep, and I I found myself just like. I would to go there and I either wouldn't put myself on the line up or I would just drive home. I found myself starting to hide a kite. I of remember that like you'd be there at the beginning and it was sort of like out it's her show. It's your show and then you'd go yeah,
I just started to retreat retreat and I started What was happening with my writing was, I started a storytelling show before that show, and I would start telling these stories and and then it was like that this. From the childhood that I basically blocked out my whole life like I did don't even remember most my child. It started to come out in the story before the before the same night as Tiger. I remember I remember yeah, I did one of those did you yeah. It was a great place to get new material right right and that's more. My style is more storyteller sure, and so I would get to generate a lot of material and the most no press way in a way that you couldn't really do on Tiger Lily anymore, because it was just such you know. So many people were there so I started to do these stories that we're like really honest and vulnerable, and I deplore can
scared. For me. In August I was starting to tell the truth on stage was coming out your child, and I think it was just coming up Are you crazy get it I mean, I think, that one That's generally the point of concern when people were at a comedy show in the entertainers crying they're. Ok, I'm she's crying I don't believe you did cry- was up for what started by storytelling. It's ok. You got Leah wheelbarrow of Rome II and Danger it was like. What going on and I feel like it's we just need to get the worker. Get some work done. So he found there yeah and I was like- had gotten- become a regular at the comedies tour around that time, and am I
stop drinking again and started going to therapy. So that was eight years ago. See during for awhile yeah? You went through other stuff relations. Europe's weirdness near so did you codependent thing? Ah, sir? Now If a years ago you can of locked back in cuts over here, Do both double wintering, it yeah! Oh yeah! I definitely need to help with relationships and planning. Others do their thing for you. You get back out of their open. Your help that you're trying to control them
exactly. I needed help to stop being a counselor, because that's not my job and I'm not even that great out of my clients are dying, they're just gone yeah, but I this was sort of the beginning of the process of dealing with your past dealing with the trauma and putting together this special yeah. When I went to EMDR, you know: Covered the memories and there was like a memory from my childhood that, like basically, My dad had these rages and it was really scary and None of us knew that this was like something he could get help for anything like that, but I tried tape recorded on a little tape, are those old school layer and parasites, and I tried to have growth buttons Aruba.
You know really young four or five, and I tried to tape record this rage and like smuggle it out of the house to the next, like big family gathering, she's, just gonna play it around just walk around. I was just gonna see if anyone was interested in representing us with this state, and so I and then I made copies- and I was selling it later at comedy- shows no kidding so I'm lucky to Rama Grandma. I think I got one of those. It's called dad's made it's so I tried to leave it to my grandma's, just as a crow for help, but someone with save us yeah. No one ever found it oh wow, and so that was a memory in Mdr and then I later was like so scared. Someone would find it that I went to my grandma's being like. Oh, you know what that tape I left here. It was a joke right tried to cover up what was happening. Then when I mean anyone get in trouble, my gun,
like I have no idea what you're talking about Beginning of that was the portal. Today the trauma was that story, that's a story that we worked on and there is so much in their of like believing that your voice doesn't matter that you are going to make any impact. So you might, be quiet. No one's gonna. Save you like that. There is no help. And so lake processing, all that and then just like you can see That would play out- and you know, careers It's like everything, sure you're not going you don't matter words. No one can help rights so like really processing that, unlike that and several other similar things. Was. It has made a huge. I grew. and also having friends like Maria Sport of people.
My God, Maria the past Margaret Chow, chose open out The past great you now I to be able to call people and say like how do you do this? I don't know like what do you charge for this? How did you make this happen and Marie is the best because shill just be like you now practical she's. I do not know whether I am it doesn't matter. You know a lake, and so I allotted this like running the special, I would just say I'm running my special tonight at six p m at my living room and peace, would come and watch, and I would take notes what, if I resonated with you, what were you enjoying so it was really like that is specifically a Maria property, exactly it's kind of amazing how she does that, how you guys have made. That is actually a practice ecosystem, that you are able to use as it Ike. Why not do that? I mean you know connecting connecting and if you sort of completely reliant on I gotta, go
the theater. I got to rent this. I mean she. Will she just solicits people on twitter to sit with her for an hour marine doesn't care. She used to hire me just to listen to her new jokes, which was the best job, and I would just drive over to Eagle Rock and listen to her jokes and she would do that from the road sometimes and now yeah. She just meets people on Twitter and, and she really will buy him lunch a she'll buy lunch. Just what that does is it simplifies the process you know of, like you know, it's suspending all his time promoting an appearance. We have to make all this money to pay back when or how budgets folks in the material, and so he made so that's all, of how it came together in addition to doing like a million spots everywhere? Very exciting? Congratulations! Thank you so much and where was his movie oh, so yeah, I'm doing I'm I'm doing, I did a movie called love, weddings and other disasters. That is storing Diane,
Keaton, Jeremy, irons, if coming out December for its part, I it's one of my first lead roles in a film wow with those big hitter, so you do. Were you doing scenes with both of them? No, they had their scenes. It's four different story line: okay, okay, so I'm in a completely separate, so we filmed it in Boston for a month. And it was at a wonderful shewed passed into great town. I am sure you know It's a really great scraps Ed's. It was a really fun part. I mazurka Baviaan that'll, be cove pending. I don't know what premier will Intel, but it will be everywhere released from Saban entertainment on December. Fourth, okay, I had to do a russian accent. Real yeah How do you do that tape? You know Jack Genova bed down to that is so
is really kind of learning what I done in the audition, because I was doing a very funny care. Ector alight from bury russian accent in so sort of learning that in making her very real person whose like authentic I got to use my Meissner today. I have got dialect coach now, They did send me to a trainer. So I worked our wealth personal trainer because there were a lot of stunts and things that I had to like a character, a lot going on in some who really here, I M a russian girl Svetlana who who is trying to escape from heard die? consorted life involving the russian mafia and You know it's really funny. but you know she
really needs to get out heavy yeah, okay and funny it's heavy and find me here, and what have you been doing during lockdown? You don't voice stuff now I mean some voice stuff will come through. Are you alone over there with the cat, I'm alone with stardust and I've been writing a lot? I've been writing a self help book and. I'm writing a delusion angle, the self helper, it's really decided. You can help people now I give you ve taken up them them until again got enough recovery. Maybe I'm not so very healthy, visionary revisit that counselor position. Now it's really just things that have hurt, helped me about like self love and empowerment in it's on the level. It's not funny
Fani. I share that our Gallagher really helpful. It's gonna like us. It is self help vibe thou hooker, but I'm not pretend need need to be an expert in anything. I'm just sharing helped helped me and that's what the special is really doing too is like I'm really just trying, to help free people from their abuse. Stories about themselves because there not trail yeah yeah, it's a bit of it. Bad, it's it's! It's we create, it bad self parents, when we were younger yeah. You have bad parents, but when you're younger you don't This is what I learned that changed my life in the last five years. Maybe you're! So is that
when you don't get what you need from your parents. You assume it's your fault and you put in place of a fairly, probably negative self parenting system, because you think your shitty, because you don't feel loved or you feel, whatever their doing emotional b, physical abuse. Now, however, neglect overbearing whatever it is, if you don't good in your skin. When you're a kid, it can't be their fault, because they're there amazing they're, your parents said, must be you exactly and that they're well destructive narrative and it leads to so many things right when you're, trying to, prove your worth all the time or for me it became Erica Hollis like if I just achieve acts more things and I'm gonna be be good enough for I'm gonna you now and it's like not it when really it's like that,
article self love is just knowing like you're enough like in you in errant value not contingent on any exterior and not sweat. Probably people with nurturing parents, by the way the message they receive fungus people they'll never be a comedian. Never they're, just gonna accept dumb boring lives, not like us just two, going through it. No one is smooth Meredith me. Will you, and so to say you know they say: enlightenment is on learning things, so enlightenment is really Unin lenient Unin learn Ament, it's unlearning. All that is a chapter in the book could be, better, write that down. That's the next special lot of specials to do,
and yeah and yeah about dig. We were just friends and then we started dating That's fun, though right you guys seem to have a good time had a great time, and really cylinder agenda and, and you know, but when you're drinking the best of times the worst of time. I hear you man, but everybody's doing good my god. Okay, I I love her. I am so grateful for our friendship. We did die, did her little comedy first of all a few years ago, yet she scrape she sighed she solid,
always prey to Dylan's visa waiver and even know we're not with an upper ceiling. he's amazing. You know yeah and he's doing great. Yes, he's doing great. He has a wife, she looks good. Exactly like me, He just never. Let him carry I'm kidding. No she's beautiful and they have a beautiful baby and I paid him back the money I owed him and every know all this stuff, but he doesn't like you. You know it's So if you're, not friends, that's a little concerning you check it out, I mean how friendly can you be with people who are you're asking the wrong guy are married with children. You know what do you mean, like your respect, you for my ex and your fucking podcast specifically to cause?
Trouble what wow wow. I want to work it out. You want. Yes, please deal with the resent. Yes, you've, a resentment. No, not really. I would love to know about that. Did that hurt your feelings. You'd have to understand something there a woman, I have not seen her since two thousand seven side not seen her. Since we got divorced, don't zero right like nothing ran into her. I would email her. I tried to make an amends, which she didn't really take. I'm What do you mean didn't? Take it we we were gonna meet, and then she called me twenty minutes before and say I can't fucking do this. You know if you want to do it on the phone. Let's do it am I got done. So then I wrote or something but like I, can't account for, like we can make an immense, but if somebody brings me up to her or our she still attached me went on, a Google search is asked me you know what I mean, and I just tried to not talk about her anymore, which I'm breaking my rule, but because I still think it
bothers me, but I used to. Used to email, her my sober birthday every year and thank you for getting me sober okay, would you never responded to okay, until like a couple years ago, she just said if- I want to hear from you I'll. Let you know and then I realized. So she's like still aggressively Alanon, but but but it was, it was a great have you ever had a man's alike? Have you have you had more people, not white and amends, or is that the only one you can do an immense, but doesn't mean they have to accept it. You know right and you know and she's got look. She oh, our reasoning is fine, but you just give curious after the point but, like you know it's a weird thing, but moment. Moment was very important to me because I like, like I'm, that fucking Idiot everyone's got that person.
That when you see them come up on your phone after a year you like go fuck. He always was a personal. I do like when you up when he wrote as they like that guy I'm, the guy that guy she's got her whole I don't like she's really framed our thing as like this. Not him. Steak necessarily, but it's like we don't have kids, there's not you know whatever the divorce all day, but it's it nothing to do with her life anymore. She's got pretty babies scud nice life. I guess. And I'm just like this mistake or this process is whatever so that's. What's at that time you I can accept dollar really, but there is There's always curiosity like I would Love is run into her yeah, but she would still aid me, but that boy, whatever I would still just like to see your face yeah, but that's all right. I note, and over a decade you friends or other
I am friends with Mishna. I don't see her often because Do you know she has her whole life, I'm in is very busy wrote a movie here, wrote if I think she's written a few now I know people enter new movie them a comic book. Wonder that one that it's, not a video game or something? That's you. Ah, I think it's a whore. No that's right! You're right, right you so you know, but that's so great. I just remember her always working so hard, as you know, writing comedy, and so it's so great to see her doing all that I, but no, I don't see her very. I don't see her. Anyone very often, no one soon everybody anymore yeah, but but yeah what what was your beef with the podcast? No nothing. It was just like at that time because, like there was still like you know, it took me a long time to sort of process all that yeah. So I just made it about me, I'm like why the fuck are they. I know just
why White Julian Melinda why they got to talk to him nation, for because there was some suggestion of me, oh really during the conversation is, is so long just sort? No, I know it was just sort of like well. You know who I'm talking about that kind of thing. Oh Can I went out with a comic raises some veiled reference, Emily but in my mind and like this about me, it's all about me so, but it was nothing about no no, and we would never want to like I'm friends with both of you we'd, never one. You know disparage and I dont know enough about anyone's relationship. I mean back as everyone feels like that. Right, like I feel like that, when I break up with public figures, young people can be taking sides It said yeah yeah there wasn't like. I, she just left comedy really and just became a writer, which is, I think, what you wanted to anyone, but that's another thing I should do some empty are. I think it would be helpful because you know and I don't know how did you try couples counselling,
it. It was like Hail Mary Mary Pass, Is it too late to revisit that? I'm kidding I was in couplers gambling Wednesday, and they said you know you're. When you guys, are in a relationship. It's it's. Their parents It's your parents are all. Really with video, so you're, just like acting out of your triggers or whatever and yeah, keep recreating that until it's healed right, so would probably be I Just like is not active anymore, and I really do have a lot of acceptance around it, but it wouldn't be bad did to eat his sort of way. When I think about the like, you know that moment like I'm leaving daylight when she walked out of the kitchen, and that was it? That's that's heavy. You didn't see it coming now,
Yeah- and you have you have like I have very rumination mind. So I can like keep replaying that trying no, I don't think about her. Hardly at all United I just don't anymore and it's a gift. I think that of writing. That email was smart because it really put things in perspective and I don't you there's no- and I know, there's no reason for us to have a relationship or to talk or any of it doesn't there's no reason but I do think him whatever fucked up way that I was capable of. I was in love with that person, You know it may not have manifested that way. It may have been driven by a lot of other things, but I I was right It might not have been healthy love, whatever the fuck it was, but I did I like it was a profound, Event in my life yeah, because how long are you guys together, like seven year, seven and a half year yeah. Well, when I met both of you, you were always together. She just I
But like it was one of those things were like my insanity, just like by the time she left. She just hated me. So there was no well, I heard It's up before that you were kind of like just making her well, you- are making her you're everything right so you were, you know, fit you'd. They win win you make some wine year every seeing its is set up for this appointment right, she got me sober and I grabbed on? Are the fucking odds of that yeah like I weren't all this up after the fact. You have courage, but there's more and swear. Like I remember my emotionally abusive behaviour and am ashamed and sad like I can see her looking at me. In a way where I'm like, when I feel that I'm like you, this new awful,
wow that's really deep mark like what would help alleviate that. What do you think? What's your sponsor say. I don't know where we sort of move through. All that you know and the mission in book is closed, but that's interesting question, no four for those two specific events That moment, where I realise that you know she did not, Love me anymore because of my behavior. And the moment where she left me most interesting points yeah, I don't know I feel like they're behind me and I'm okay, but maybe I just stuffed him and may I mean what, when you I mean sort of rhetorical them? What could give you peace peace around okay. So you happy. So what is I think there's a shame thing. I think that there is still a whatever the immense process gives me were. However, I have made a living in an immense, I think. I'd
I am ashamed that man than I was especially in that region, yeah? I saw like what is the what's as you know, how ass for shame to tax better and act better and let yourself off the hook a bit. Thank you that you did the products processed it you may demands. You know we ones alive ones moved on to their through. Their wives in there? Okay, so oh yeah at some point you just gotta say like right. You know you if you're better now and- and you know that was a bad time and you made some mistakes and you were sort of a shitty person but you're better. What are you can do? Yeah people change people, people change and and forgiveness myself, myself of yourself yeah. I was
Do you know I mean look, we all have man here now, but you know it flag allowing yourself too Rewrite the narrative moving for boy, I've been through three lifetime since then being a different. How can I be a different person now, like? I know we have right and it's like that's all you can do. How can we we're doing. Have you heard the acronym for shame? My ship should have. Already mastered everything. That's good. One were they'll, come from one of the secret societies, I don't know I you know when I wrote amount, and a man's fear Facebook not wanting to disturb him and his family.
He was like hey. Don't you owe me some money? so that amends cause me additional thousand dollars, and you know what I was happy to pay a cause. I was like thank you for giving me something tangible that I can do to get right with you. One thing I owe her is fucking money that I can tell you with full confidence What do you think is helped you the most? Is it therapy or is like no, what helped with your rage that's a really big thing to turn around we'll just sit like here I just knew I just had to identify where was coming from. You know, which was like this fear and insecurity about. Receiving love or having having control like
I just somehow or another identified the source of it and what what it did and also you hurt people enough. You know what you sort of a monster. If you don't take responsibility for that, and you know it a while to temper it but like when I was younger just getting sober. Certainly during that relationship with me, sir, I was just crazy causes. Many I was jealous and I was trying to control I couldn't believe that you would like me, so I was hating myself. Projecting that I'm a lot to do it. I think the more self esteem I got from your kind of pulling out of that relationship in finding some success in my life really makes a big difference, ya that you were alike well everything I worked for maybe wasn't for nothing, and that, like I am good at what I do in and I I feel okay about myself, like so out of the that filling in some of that self esteem. Just from estimable action from new working, helped d
think that work started to come to do more when you had that internal switch or was it vice versa? I just think, like you know, by the time I started the podcast. I'd really let go of the idea that I would be a successful comedian that would act all that stuff. I was like that. I just I got to be grown up about this and know that it's not going to happen for me and except that and whatever hardy comes from that, and I've got to figure out where I go from here, cause I'm not prepared to do a job in any way and so that's a and then started talking on the mic. You know, and I always did stand up, but I had to lower my expectations a great deal and believe it really let it go that nothing was owed me and that you know if it doesn't happen, that's just life no one counts on that in show business now one enter show business sinking, they're, not gonna make it. We all think we're gonna do something he obeyed, but the
percentage of times that works out is small, relatively speaking, you can find your way. You can find your groove know you can serve. five, sometimes so, but I knew I I couldn't. I knew that there was no way I could go on doing stand up if I was just going to be like a broom headliner for the rest of my life, I was was like. There was a lot of dark visions going on, but just I just focused on doing the podcast. I started one of my couch during cove. What's it called it's called let's process this, I that's available! Yeah, it's available. I do it on. I live live and now you put it up on Itunes later you can find Itunes and everywhere, but it's just. I couldn't really meet with people during covered, so I starting from a couch most yeah
and then you do. You have guessed side dodgy life, yeah, ok, were able to record them. Yet I mean I'm not guaranteeing a great, sound or anything ochre got that yeah it's it's were really It talking about like how people are processing their trauma, other healing from aunt, and how that affects their creative process or how they're turning that into creative treasure? Oh so it'll be like people who created a tv show of had a few like show runners in comedian, Vienna, just people who ve turned what, where they have overcome around rugged Yeah and talk about creative process, which I'm like so fast near with greater process than healing process loose, yeah sort, you're, gonna, Oprah school from crime, what kind of kind of girder therapeutic processing space I wouldn't be able to start a squirrel,
That's too much admin! For me. I can barely do a podcast for my coat okay, alright, nice talking to you Q two mark mark gonna. What about an hour and a half of this? you release that hour and a half as in one special. Okay, thanks thanks for coming over We covered it off again. She wanted you to know that she she and her parents for good they're, good she's good, where their parents Kay or Special Melinda Hill inappropriate is available. Now on Amazon, Prime Apple tv Youtube most other video on demand platforms, you can also get the audio version, Streaming music platforms and, don't forget simply say home security delivers award, winning twenty four seven protection with the best professional monitors in the business. They ve got your
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Transcript generated on 2020-11-21.