All right. Let's do this, how are you what the fucker is, what the fuck bodies, what the fuck stirs, what the fuck a delicate what's happening. I mark marin. This is w E f, my podcast city, my garage its evening. Time is a couple of days before when you're here in this, so today, theoretic I should have tales from the road. I should have a full report. On how everything went in iowa city and nebraska and kansas city Missouri. But I don't because I I got this in the can before I left, because I thought it would be smart, but that's okay, because of what's pretty exciting is what I'm going to see. If I can speculate how everything went

Just going to see and then on on thursday I'll confirm it, or I won't I'm going to say that that I always city winter, when pretty good. I went long because I was over compensating cause. I hadn't done along at no while black, but I Everything we're pretty wanna got a few quite a few new things in I'm, going to say that lincoln, went wrong good cause. I was excited about you have been in lincoln. I never been the lincoln and urban iowa city either. I was a little nervous about you know running into some people. I know there, but tat we had they showed up in they made a scene a little been disrupted. The show I'm really really go into town these speculation, but to show is good the show in Kansas city, I'm gonna, say, was not as light as I thought would be in people were excited to be there and yo after the

two shows I was tight. My new material was workin great and everyone had a really good time and the drives were put the spectacular. So, let's see, if that turns out to be true on thursday, raw speculations? Not unlike people speculating who's gonna win a primary speculating how my short mid. Stern, comedy tour went and I will either deny or confirm those reports and give you the real reports on thursday did. I meant Nicky Glaser is my guest today Nicky Glaser, who I love and we're. We have something deep in common and I'll talk. that before I bring her on, I know some of you would like a cat update. I can do that today again. If something happens over the weekend, which a I won't be able to report you to thursday, God forbid. Maybe one of my cats will learn how to fly in the house or shit on something. So all I can do is tell you

happening in the media. The situation as it stands now monkeys face is getting better. Thank you for asking turns out. Not cancer is whiskeys are growing back and he started to look like a happy cat again with a balanced faithful of whiskers. Fonda is fine, very verbal, very dainty, but dangerous got earnest. Catching post, because the other one was over a decade old and that one go out with the ongoing purge cosette. One was at least twelve years old that one was here when my ex wife was here, it's been through a lot, but it was all shredding and make a mess. I got her a big new one and as a cat owners, no that's a bitter the dice. Isn't it by a new big cat thing for the cat? Could you they're, gonna fuck and use it, and you just sit there and look.

I didn't tell you just have to move it outside because it in user to give it to another cat owner, but I am happy to say, I sprayed some cat nippur spray on that thing. Andor, she's crazy, for it big news here at the cat ranch underneath ass death, black cat roy walls and wives he so comfortable under their days getting fat. So I got a fat deaf black. Living under my house that still freaks out every time he sees me even though I fuckin feed him I resentful, I'm happy. I know where he is outfront scaredy cat, the joker cat, the joker. I call him that, because his mouths are fucked up- and it looks like he's grinning, he shown up he's eating he's fat as fuck is at least a ten to twelve year old feral cat fat, yet see how I'm saying fat, I think that's going to lead to something in a moment, big head doesn't come around much big hat. Is his cat

with his full on big ol set of balls and a big old fuckin fat had to match it. Who comes over here and occasionally valley? My garage open will come in here and piss on something I've seen him around here did see him down the street and that's a cat of date from the cat ranch keep your asking had jose my guy that takes care of my of my. I am what I want to call it my my plot of grass out front comes by a couple of times a month and chop things in most things but tat. I need a treat. Oh man, my neighbour, Adam he's got this huge pine tree. That was basically engulfing, my house and there, their trees that were engulfing my house and It's weird is homeowner for me any Instead, it takes me a long time to realize that I'm going to have to do something about that that nothing, there's no natural event. That's going to happen where you know a fire hazard and a needle factory, a pine needle factory that just covers my roof,

Can I go away so I finally asked my do those jose whose night in nice guy speaks no english, but does great job about the tree pointed up at the trees. Like a moron- and I said to you: do you know a guy trees like a fucking idiot, and he looked at me and, like I trust this guy and he came and he got you know he brought three guys with him. He climbed up into the tree will will harness and just trimmed this giant fucking must be one hundred put a pine tree. All the way up gave it a little like poodle job. So now, she's got pines at the top cleared. Everything away from my house cut a dead tree down, trim back everything.

did a great job, but now I some our another and this happens a lot. I look up at the trees and I feel like I've accomplish something. This happens. Even when I put garbage cans out once you have the garbage guy comes in their empty. Am I look look what I did. I did this amazing thing by taking my garbage out. This is the life I live when I'm not engulfed in shooting television. I'm cleaning and putting things away and throwing things away. It's my life, I'm cooking again. I run a restaurant, does it happen before these are cycles? People I'm feed fat cats Nicky Glaser very excited to have on because we have a deep bond. We have. We have something deeper and they might even be deeper than love. Even we share and eating disorder a lifetime struggle with ian disorder, and we talk about how we met. We met around and eating disorders, and I'm a man and

As many of you know, if you as an issue, I am functional but I have a horrendous eating disorder. I mean I don't vomit you. I don't starve myself, though I'd like to, oh god, would I like to, but I don't I have body dysmorphia. Ah I have an if I, if I ate it it it is, it is penetrating to my core. I was brought up in a house by mother who has in eating disorder and I've never been comfortable with my body in my entire life and some days, are better than others. As I get older it it, it gets better. I have some self acceptance, but the shame available with a three pound difference is a is self annihilating. I'd rather disappear, then feel my pants be tight to sad state of affairs as I try to be funny about it, and I think that too I don't owe their men talk about it enough. I know I'm not alone in

and having a body issues in eating disorder. and so I just want to put that out there. It sucks, but I made room today to eat to bunch almond butter, compulsively yeah I'll, just sugar out for about a week until I feel dewy and then I'll, just ah I'll, just you're, just just short of you know, hitting myself I will uh, which would be my exercise, the compulsion to exercise. This is basically punishment for those with eating disorders. Butter Nicky is amazing. She's had some progress. With hers. I've had a bit with mine and in it it is a big part of this conversation really. So I hope you enjoy that Nicky's, also heading. The season finale of her comedy central show not safe and nicky glaser dares tomorrow, tuesday and a blue she's, got a special out there as well, and I loved seeing her. his mean that you,

what's goin on? Where were you worry dragon from were driven from work, but I live here now: yeah actually drove from massage and then it hurt my therapist, you tell you here. I really had I just really. to get in the right had space. You talk to your views on the way on the way here. Unless you do hall, get the fuck out in new york, and I moved here in august, so I haven't been able to see her, so we just do like ten minute calls. Whenever I want, I just call her like hey: can we talk whenever and we just set up a time, flinders and recalls? When does that just become a friend? You pay exactly it seriously? It has become Donna, ten minute calls that she charges you work yeah, we just have yeah charged me for, and it's kind of just like

Let us remind me hey: can you send a czech sometime? it'll just go really long time without sending a check. Is this a license person? Or is this just? I think so someone you met at a comedy club like I could really help here. He is someone I was recommended after I did a podcast someone wrote me it was like girl. You got issues. I once saw a therapist to break up with the current therapist, I'm seeing because I've been told so many times that she's terrible for me, but good, I did you guys, go to couples counseling, I'm serious, I went to go, see and another therapist and he was like. I can take you on, but I'll I'll tell you what to say to her to get up with her, and I went back to her and just just didn't work, so you tried to break up with your car. the therapy up, but it didn't happen yet, but were you still calling the the the other guy like saying like I dunno? If I'm going to be able to do this cause, he wouldn't take me on. He was like. I can't take anyone else on, but I'll just give you the tools right now we had one session that I paid him for he. He

not more, unlike pharmaceutical alike, to drugs. Dr rath early was more like talk therapy. pusher. He was like yeah. Ok fill out this evaluation. How do you feel about this? How you feel about that? Why don't you try these? Yes and I kind of need that person right now. Psycho pharmacologist yeah, like a shrink that just does an assessment and then just you know immense with you, yeah need. Neither now I mean I have that in l a but I don't think she really knows what she's doing cause. I literally suggested a migraine medication to her. I saw I'm seeing her right now because I need someone to give me medication, in a way for migrants. Just for my my men than on, I had a doctor in new york moved here. He wouldn't be. He couldn't prescribe me southern california, so I had to find a broad like of arm. Ecologist, went to go see this lady. She gave me myself, but then I was like I'm having migraines. Like I heard about this sum, I don't make up artist the army a migraine pill once it worked right away. Really

after migraine in its tracks. Like oxycodone. I don't remember. This is the thing he probably was. It honestly probably was. I didn't remember the name of it, so I just I threw out a name that I just thought of. I was like. I think it's awesome. I think it was like topamax and she goes. I think that is one okay, yeah I'll prescribe that she's romeo prescription of a maximum humida made it up pointed out Where is my grandmother's? Medicine are right, it is it is, but listen it wasn't the right one that this girl gave me. I relator wrote my make up art ass being like what was the one you gave me totally different medicine. She gave me a, but the toper max is I later heard of radio lab episode about medicine they give to attics year to help them get off cocaine and like alcohol, ya

and it's like a mood stabilizer drug and its help me with like my addictions in room. Now, it's like it's like the best thing I ever accidently got on is changed my life fluke that you pulled out of the air fluke and it's completely change rather life. I have like food issues like crazy. I know you do too where the fuck did. We talk about that? What we were in a universe so funny earlier like we're in michigan in a hotel yeah with the grand rapids comedy thirty ass. They laugh fast at the web That was the only when they were invited me to do. I obando know what the fuck are. They doing up there and a re repeat, because I thought it was a pretty good time in my recollection and we were all in a hotel room with eugene. Maybe he maybe because I couldn't remember where them tommy. John again, the and maybe bar got the like theirs

We were hang out with some people, but we were at the wedding at night and there was a buffeted and I was making a plate and you just walked up to me I'll. Never forget it cause. Maybe the first summit of your hockey I go What are you eating disorder girl? You looked at my plate and use them to me. The normal looking played, I am aware or when I'm looking like an eating disorder girl, but you you spotted it because you are an eating disorder girl. I know I know I am and you can send. You could add, and I can say without too, when someone else was. An unusual looking plate. I wasn't like just vegetables, but you can tell I wonder what it was. I wonder what you're doing too much of that is where we are uniting gator. I did somebody that reply. You like you. There is a lot of something that no calories it. There is nothing the amount to be allowed without this wealth is only a lot of carrots and then like what is just a lot of one right right right right in a half a piece of cheese: yes,

I got busted because I couldn't remember like you know it was one of these things where I'm like. I know we hung out cause. I know I feel close to her somehow or we had a conversation that was that was wrong because well then we went to the one that was the first time on Nate nose like one of august this guy yea, I was in love, spun by it and like the ones you began yeah network, like you, discovered me that week we are in a comedy competition and there was a bunch of us in. you do and yeah you are really nice. I got knocked out of the competition. I was like way more upset about it than I thought I would be, and you are very nice to me about that cause. I was like bummed out, I give you the like fucking Doesn't matter yeah yeah, you did and you brought me like a gift bag that I left in the plate. Like, oh, my god, you you're, like I have your gift bag and I went down the lobby and you were like here it is you really very nice, you weren't like trying anything. sneaky, or just a nice guy wasn't gunning for you now and then I ate whatever was in that give bag like too much

it contains. No time like the car more proud deserved it. Is it you know you Ass did I should now that's when you don't really? then we ve diaper do we wanted some hope. When party yeah, we did, I think another night we like stayed up. late at some other records, ranking and mean you're talking as I don't drink and I'd only their rights. We are just watching other people get fucked up and probably waiting till we could go get fucked up on food right now ran right. We talked about you finish your give back up exactly. You don't remember like I'd my memory, I dont of its age or whatever I do too much like things just fade away now. I'm sure I mean like, although I know of any kind of the saying right like we're doing, We talk, What were were part of my life to where know you from an probably every new batch of comics, all seems kind of the same like there's. Probably a lot of me is

I kind of gel. I always knew you and I don't think, there's a lot of use, but yeah you know cause you're, unique and and you're funny. Funding you've been working hard for a long time because you went through all of it right, open middle headline and then you do your road comic and you do the job of the comedian. There's not a lot of people that do that in general. No there's plenty of people out there is a there are comedians yes, but how many they're working. You know it's weird, You know I don't know yet without excited, I was excited to see you. I don't think I've seen you before that point. can I was like I wouldn't we have this weird fuckin man crash on Nate. Would then, let's go out that ireland was so jealous? Was that you had that, like innate got discovered, he was the american idol like by me, now star, yet human, Simon cow and he added reuben stuttered. Always I weird southern kid they die. ox loud inside. It's weird how good he is it's! It's it's in abandoning what

for those guys like you know, he went back to national right yet it and because, like your tat, very suffers, the same sort of burden is that but tat does fine, and so it is now but like if they don't have energy delay club owners like tat, Kate, you pick it up ass it such a fucking. It is. It is an injustice that day this idea of what entertainment isn't it needs to operate at a quicker pace to drive me nuts, anyways Toby Toby call that's over max told max it is. There is no right among and not on drugs, but sometimes it there should be a radio lab episode. I was literally after got prescribed

because you're probably make it up, you must have heard it somewhere it it. What is at issue is a migraine medicine that I heard somewhere where a while I ve been talking about migrants a pass a year of my life, that I've been getting them it's somewhere in the either, but then but then I'm listening. This pact has already left about medicine that is prescribed for people with addictions, cause there's medicine they're saying it's gonna, be the new wave like net. How long you been on I've been on it now firm for five months and which has changed. Everything like like I used to have. I, like, I have food addictions. We're, like I think about, all the time. If you will allow a periodical after let's go. Let's go start. There is my my issues like word. You grow up saint louis and you're like a how many people in your family for to parents and fork and tickets to kids, you have older sister, younger sister, younger younger, mr yeah, and what what's your mom do. Homemaker and your father worked and cable industry cable

yeah like came out in sales in Saint louis, so he's a guy out their german up local advertising. I would win advertising called going hey. Are you doing Joe? You still got the three vertically they started, and now she I get yeah you gonna from a show business. Family ariadne plays out music professionally. He does yet. What is you play? he plays qatar and guys. What do you like? My age? I think you can kind of. Maybe now is all that is easily he's. You just wrote us first song, he um yeah. He plays professionally run town and cover banner cover. Bamboo is just starting right. His own songs he's been inspired by me to now do like his own music. and in a nice way or I'll, show her way kind of another. I heard that had been like online, like you can guess he's always been like. I think I could do comedy and now with the worst, yeah. So I can just let me have my thing and it's not my fault, you're, not happy with your choices. Yeah he's doing it. Now, though, he wrote a pretty great song, but he's in a band called glazing. The moon,

and he plays I'm assuming he's glazed learning to throw a song about climate change, is one of his big missions of cares, a lot about ass or disease becoming ever around he's a he's, a revolutionary songwriter, a folk singer. Now he's got a message: he does nice does do an old, hippie or odd, or is he just freaked out about climate and he's really freaked out about climate change, not an old hippie but kind of? Yes, but like not you didn't smuggle ipod or anything. I or anything is one. Those is one you, those cities that have spent almost no time in it's like you industrial place. Isn't it on the river a bit? It is that's, you know we didn't grow up going to the city, much like right, my group in the suburbs right. That's it segregated, there's a lot of racial tension, yeah sure when it all and not all, have a head now yeah, but you you're you're in the ideal ec suburbs, yeah in that

whatever was going I'm the city did not concern, they do not concern, we didn't go there. Might she now so now this eating disorder, business shore How did you talk about it openly, you're out yeah, I'm out about it, because I go having to me. If we can compare notes is highly my arm. My mother is, I think I should be happy to hear it a functioning anorexic. I know she is. Roads. Emmy may say it does that she is like I mean to drivers and be in I used to be unlike groups when I was like sick. I I was sent to these groups with women who also had energy, which is the dumbest thing, descend annex two groups together to compare each other right. How much do you see what sort of those parents guess how much of eu law yeah and we would see, I would see women who are? sir still struggling with it, and I was like I would kill myself. I once said that my mother way two hundred nineteen pounds publicly- oh my god and she freaked out. So I got a hundred and sixteen

have my god. My next question is how Well, let's see that's why I have seven, oh dear god, but but the thing is it's like she's built a system but it's really it's her whole life is miserable, I'm sure it her system is. Oh yeah, you have you listen to me. four renders the. But the thing was the point being of on. I don't know She thinks she looks great and you know if it makes her happy after a certain point like how much are people going to change me? She was a fat change yeah. So that's why it just coasters It was like a little obese when she was younger, and that was that right and anna and she's been but the thing was that I I guess you know all this already in my mind about it. Like you know, I was brought up with that right with this sort of like her fear of fat, was dumped on me. so I was counting calories it like nine agent. I now so proud. You know when I you and I will do you no harm

if the calories were in something that's how I learned how to read it's so insane to me. How do you function now, like? I am I'm a little her, but like I'd yeah, but I do get to a point like it was weird I had it somewhere sort of experienced by him fall through with it, and I don't think I can handle it, because I think my brother who's a little to me with three issues in its which were to be a man with food issues, because you know not may do talk about that I was fortunate. My show marin, I had a writer who also has it and I could bully him, and you know out of mike, I'm not as bad as guy sitting. There like you, know, eating a big bow of care since our idea had catering when there's an icy. So many right or I'll meet you now. Yes, but that's it but so lighten might my relationship with it. In my brother's done, you went into some intensive. She, like an intensive therapy thing on the food issues. Could I think, outside drugs or anything, I think it's the deepest one and went on. I just went to a therapist out of my health plan

in the street here and she and I walk in- I I just like I needed to see somebody. I just picked her because she was close she's like why I primarily work with food issues and I'm like what ah yeah I have those and- and I I chickened out- I didn't I couldn't deal cause you're like I am not ready to address the stuff. I don't want to get rid of it or what have you done? I've done, I mean I was hospitalized in high school like right out of high school in between college and high school the summer and then was in like different just saw different their pests and then hospitalized for Iraq's you cause you. Wouldn't he and you ve got malnourished or you may add I'd or while I it was weird because it was, I should have been possible, is way before then, but it was kind of like a lot of denial on my parents. Part indefinitely like me just lying because, like obviously I just wanted to,

keep losing weight and stuff, and I didn't really realise what I was doing to my lord. Did you deny, or did you puke? No? I was just started myself. I didn't give that kind of came later but like this was just anorexia like be progressed value yeah like eventually, but way willingly when you start when you start at first, I was just like not eating I just it. This was at the very end of high school, like things were changing goes but to go to college. I like got nervous because of boy like me, and I just got nervous for the first time ever like a guy that I liked liked me and I got nervous about. I was excited, and I just Didn'T- eat for like a day, because I was nervous, just nerves and then the next day

It was like you look great and I was like like it must have shown like right away, and I was like wait. What did I just I just didn't eat yesterday leg as much like I'll just keep doing that and that's what just started it and I lost so much weight in a month and it just from there between march and July it was it was. It was nuts like I just became beyond from and how great does it feel to be emaciated and starving? I mean I do not to say that it was at first and feels great link. It is, I think, a drought here, didn't I always do that. I'm like I don't you're on one be insensitive and I don't want people listening to freak out, but, like I, there was a their new york right, distorted like I start doing, weight watchers you. I was even that heavy, but but it's a control thing. You know it's like. Yes, You can get involved with it. There's math, there's count piano, just kept going and like right now how bout one and eighty two maybe and act like I'd really like to

one, seventy nine by whatever says my dear, I know, but I can get up to one eighty six, both on a one to seven then like, I wonder how you are you're, not that often we want to feel it. the more a feel guy you're gonna feel good I dont right yeah so but like like, I got down like one. Seventy two like an hour was weird looking I can all gaunt and shit like a look like I was disappearing. Yes and like I was like this maize in your all, lupi cause, you're, not eating any start to get like. You get a buzz from like not eating and then like and people were like. What's what's going on man and I'm like nothing if you're good and I'm twitching my muscles cook as I want. I want to feel them like. I was so like I had no like.

I eat that, but I wasn't working out or anything, but I'm like. I can't feel my muscles right at your scared goal. You feels yeah strung out and hot. You definitely fucked up you're tweaking it's fucking, true yeah. I totally felt that way and then used. I started like not being able to stand up and then I would have to like just stand for a couple of seconds to catch myself I wouldn't pass out like it started, getting really scary and don't look good. No, I didn't look. That was a thing as everyone's like you don't look at and I'm like, I don't not trying to look hot, that's not the thing like at first. That was the thing I mean at first. That was what I thought was the thing and then and then you can't stop and you're like well. This is not, because I do not look good, I'm not trying to get prejudge, did you ever like the body just morphia, though, because like I would look at myself, the I'm a great and like I still have that see, that's them the fucked up thing that I have to have cognitive therapy around myself, because I e

yeah, well, yeah, but sometimes with sugar and with bread like I'll go, get strung out on it and I'll just start. I would really I'm not completely compulsive either, but if I started sugar, megabyte ice cream or cake or happened today I wanted to morrow, eventually I'll just be like fucking like a couple weeks ago, when I was shooting I just like, I could not stop eaten enough butter man. I was safer by like sunflower butter an almond better. Unlike this healthy and the eye before I go to bed, I'm fucking even half the thing, a fucking home and butter and shit yeah, and then, like you just here loaded in grows, and I know why, but now I'm sort of like. Why did that and I'm you know, I know what I did and I don't have to freak out but like let's not do that. Yes, go there again, some time, wait yeah, but I'm, but I'm not like I'm not like, and I started doing weight rogers like what I'll do usually. Is it that's only because if you'd like, if I just get like three or four pounds, overweight and I'm uncomfortable

I and I know what to do. Yeah I'll go running or I'll get them weight, watchers for a couple of weeks and then I'll feel better and that's that, but I don't make a life out of it, though, when I started, I think I'm gonna. Do you think? But do you see it? Do you think you look good when you don't like why? I think I heavy one, I'm not really in like. When I look at my peers and stuff and I look at dudes in general, I mean I'm fucking fifty two and I'm not working out. I'm not me, I'm not bill burr, I'm not some like lanky dude is doing sit ups and pushing myself that way a y'all go running and stuff sometimes, but it's been a long time since I did exercise. So if I gill will do he unlike earth fucking does asking you just go straight to that. Why just go sort of like this? Is you know if feel uncomfortable, and I don't look good what about when you see yourself on tv like when your eyes for me what I'm shooting something and I feel gross like it's just the worst day of my life and then you, back on a year ago. I wasn't that that late in the evening, we, where I noticed it most people like you, have good and then like you when you

if you feel that way and you're on a set and wardrobe gives your shirt this to tidy the pants that you were fitting yesterday and I had to call like all the pants or two days ago, all the pants are too tight and I had to go home from work like cause. I was so sad was so depressed. I start crying because they were your size that they weren't. They were they. They bought size smaller because that's all they had and they were like. Well, just go a size up when we just we need need to see how they look like. Don't don't do that. They don't do that, I'm not trying to like the ass my first season, the the woman, who is doing wardrobe the first day of origin. Goes you aren't you almost banks like what

no, oh all mark you're going to do okay, so I am on sat. This is the bus. Okay. I am unset we're doing a test show, so we're doing it to show, for my show, not safe that before it aired we are before we shot. The first show we did a test show with like a real audience all the executives. Are there we're shooting it like it's a real show, they're just doing it to make sure we can do a show and treating it like a real show during commercial breaks, everything right, the first one, I'm on

and I'm holding up all the shirts that were before the show before rehearsals all the shirts to make sure that they don't ray or whatever holding up. There's all the shirts and I've already shot the pilot, and we have all our crew there and stuff and in the lighting directors in the audience and he's sitting there on the chairs, like kind of looking in the audience and I'm holding up shirts where the girl is holding hitting them to me- and I go is this good? Is this good and the guy goes on, you sure, like to wear a lot of sleeveless shirts and I was like yeah? you and- and he and I go, is that a problem? You know like a kind of jokingly concerning audience and I go or nobody like all my staff or crew. I, and- and I, and I might so everyone the booth hearing with NATO or I go. Is that a problem?

are my arms, problematic, jerry or whatever his name was, and I'm just joking, because clearly that's not why he would say that right and he he was silent and then he was like that's good. That's fine and then hung up all the shirts, I'm back over at the rack, just kind of looking offstage, and he comes up to me and he goes yeah about that, and I just I noticed in the pilot that you were a lot of sleeveless shirts and I just noticed that when you move your arms there's a lot of your arm like you know, flaps a lot like your arm. That and- and you know it's going to do that unless you're like super ripped, so it's like- I just want to make you aware. Are you aware of that and I go yeah? I yeah sure, and he goes do you mind, and he and I go. I don't I don't care and he goes well. It's just my job and I go yes, it's he's the lighting guy. I called it and he was like they just want.

I say that ain't go, did they and he scampers off, and I my boyfriend works on the show, and I was like on my mego Chris. I need to see you right now and I, like wit in the back, and I told him, and he was like, are you so fury and he like, ran off and then the guy was told like don't even look at her again? Don't talk to her your history or your future with the show is going to be determined later and he was. He was lecco not by me, but like layer just determined like he can, around what the fuck was, what I ain't bad decision to block- and they had just talk to levels have about like this- is a environment to make everyone feel come all making mickey feel come here. All like flabby arm nicky of flabby arm mcgee- and I was very- I was about to do my test show and I was wearing a short sleeve shirt when he told me that, just like shattered

and I was wearing one last night and I was just like kind of look and unlike here you re but like who gives a fuck, and I just like. I include in that it wasn't about the like. I don't really care if he saw that because I write on asleep, don't care, I'm secure enough with my body like I don't care if it my arm, flaps whatever it's just that he thought he had to point out something like hey. I know you're a girl who might like. I know you polly take stock in your body every single day and hate everything about yourself, but I noticed something that you may now if he did enough about yourself like he's the policeman of like it was just, it was rude and undermining I mean just like burn if he really said like well, you know if you really rip like if he really framed it that way it will. It serve no purpose other than to fucking fuck you up. Unless we said he said, unless you're really repped, it's going to do that, and I was like yeah, I know, and I'm not so what, if like us and my wardrobe girl heard it and was just like, I can't believe he fucking.

oh, my god. It was like the talk of the town, it was. It was a moment for me because it was just it and yeah because it didn't make me mad. It didn't make me feel like I'm there. It was just like. Why does that guy think he needs to. Let me know, like I haven't known that about myself already, that I take that squareness, what there is there so much like what, when you have these sort of body issues are so much there is such a vigilance around self acceptance that, yes, that their debt like when somebody just does that illicit. Like you, don't see it coming. You know we can now you don't expect anyone to do that. You contribute uniting with yours, you're too busy doing it to yourself any advance so when any of that she gets validated trick. Why date with. Saying like only. I can say that to me ass, that's what it was weird about. It was like I couldn't even believe it was happening. I was like almost excited than it was happening in front of her because I was like

Oh my gosh, this happens like someone would say this to you, because it's never been it's eleven validated. No one's ever actually set it to my leg. Yes, I do deserve to like think I'm fat. Sometimes other people see a girl like you, I saw one feeling soup gum did it go, throw up now and I'm right, yeah, so yeah, it's it's nice to have. I thank god. I'm like been through. All that like it would be. It would be hard to be interact, sick now, holy shit, is I wish I was, but you know, but you just have to frame it like you in my eating. Well, you know like what do you expect out of yourself like for me like that first season for me was like she kept giving me shirts at worst, a little too small. Like sort of in between a medium and large championing these meetings. That were alike. I d I could have movement in em and drove me. Fucking nuts gives up

I was like. I'm gonna blame my mediocre acting first season, on the fact that I had the shirts it's hard to think of anything else. When you're in a tape it will. I wear like you know, I wear five things that I've picked at the gorge of. So when you do a show you're like oh look at all these clothes that I would never buy my life and it's nice to have them, but some of them were just not, did you send you out there like? What's a problem like what he means, The problem like do I fortunes can it makes me feel like a fortunes. Not even your my chin. It's fucked up, that's my problem with women's. Where is that our genes are all oh type, and men are now wearing tighter, jean see you're getting a centre right at once, but it you when you're a little bit heavier than you usually are you feel it everywhere? Embezzlement, solemnized ten, when men like you have begged, would boy genes are like boyfriend genes or whenever it is for a woman. Is so great as you can get, you don't feel fat every fucking day right, you're a little bit bloated,

or whatever yeah. These are fat, pants and I'm afraid. To put. On the other hand, I just yeah it's such a woman. It's I love it, You are not make us less alone. I really relate to and so many levels but yeah. So the with the way might like, when I get like at one time the girl jean thing one time as working with janine graph, although it must have occurred, I remember when it was but like around the time when I got my when my wife left me, like you know, I just sort of like got pre looked like always stress, burning off those, There is no you by members. Would you need? I think it is wrong to time and I really thin tat an and like she talk me into going to leave. store with her. We I remember what city where I feel like it was. Maybe Chicago I think, was chicago and as she's like

before they really started, making men skinny genes, but they had no skinny genes for women. Like the stretch of your kind, she goes all the little rock eyes where these you should get appeared. She bought me a pair of genes and I wore them that night and I was like does it mean Look at me all my then I looked at a picture myself. Here's why this is one thing that stops me from from, like he really focusing on getting like anorexic again, as I have a big head and any. If I, if I, it down like one seventy five, it's just like. I look like a bobble head figure. Yes, and- and it's like what is that like and I had long hair, then I'm like look what, if what am I I saw a picture of it. I'm like! Oh, my god. I can't do that and now get older, if you, if you get gaunt like your face, droop sieges with old, yes, so now I need to hold on to some wages about face works for it would have on talking about. I know what you're talking about you need sat on your face to stay young, that's that's the double edged sword, rights or that need fat were a good looking face. I know otherwise, sir

it is scarce, light ass, wide often anywhere it loses its definition. Yeah yeah a tooth and face not garden so like I envy me, doesn't work were billina. I never. I never did that. I never did that's. Ok, I don't like I just get into the control thing like. If I see the thing that I do get this guy get into a starvation system and it takes where I'm feeling that weakness and I can really see working like I've, really sort of get off on that being just spaced out like that, all the pictures of me when I was at my skinny as my mouth is hanging open because I'm on it brown barely awake, Everyone, one just like a guy, have I have all my like. My parents destroyed most of my anorexic pictures, but sometimes the like some that'll be like hey. Send me some, like old photos, My tv t like, for instance, I only like just go. There's some elements in those send me my anorexic just not even knowing that the room with the most fucking disturbing things ever

they're just they were so in denial. I think that they don't even realise that I was dying in front of them so that some of these pictures of me like at the computer, just like probably just looking at food like I would just look at- do when you're starving, don't you want to watch the food now art or what I used to watch it all the time tat you just want to see people making and eating food, but I'd like all, but I'll do the mean I'll go to birds were made We good food, I'll eat meat and I'll do liking, I'll, just fuckin, eat, ice cream and shit and I'll think like maybe I'm through it, and then he just hit that point where your pants are and I'm like what the fuck, what the fuck did. I do new pinching, my my brothers to pinch himself like pinch like his fat, that is where he had bruises? No that's where we come from that systems. We do right with a big, pretty lanky too sometimes learnt, were also proud. I regret I'd go to my brother's house and I just see him like fuckin shoveling, mouthfuls of wipe. You know that nike air, like pirate booty or when those fucking puff things it. He asked

I mean I'm starving. Might what do you do in man is like battle? I don't. I could just keep doing this. Like ok, looks great throwing a whole families like this for nuts and so funny. All of my best friends, like my best girlfriends and guy friends, all have like eating disorder pass, even if I dont know that they do. I like seek them out in so weird how I can link just sense that a person does and we all eat the same weird food. We all like I'll, open their pantry, I'm just like our like rice, cakes, and like the same. Weird like you know, homelike pudding, hops and weird, like six unknown. Allow regretting right because you just want to eat, has many things as you can. yeah, you do when you want a lie or keep it going as people are, was shocked at how much I eat nearly huge volumes of things and but it's all very low caloric as I love to eat. I just would like to

a lot right, but low calorie in it so exciting. When you find something like that, like volume where you right now, as I am a big fro, yo attic telling this is literally what we too have a wife who tasty do I person back when that was? Oh, it's still around yeah kidding me. It was one of the saddest things I had to leave behind in new york. Besides my therapist, but my best friend we going to tasty tasty, yad tasty, we went there every single night. They would sometimes open the doors if we got there a little late to like lettuce. Then they'd be like we know, What size large? Oh you? Well, it's a feeling. We would go to the failure in even make your make your own itself, it's its air. That's just sugar excuse good, though works it feels right, guy, gills, right all the fake flavors, oh man, and they got the stuff here in an ally that an early unto called like carbo late,

oh yeah, right. I know I'm sort of out of that. Like I again don't even do it. I've really gotten away from the diet foods its that's a great thing, it's terrible, but your bureau kay, right, I'm yeah good. I feel pretty good, I feel like. I still have all that guy now. You know I used to be very ashamed of. I have to get fro you every day. It's a big mound of it, and people are always, oh, my god and I've. Just now, like You know what this is. What I do and you know what I order pizza without with light cheese. I know it's weird that I blotter what you know. I just own. My weird things now idea. I ate huge salads and I dont like a pretty scared cheese. I don t- I you know. Yes, I'm scared of certain foods and I never will scared of brad, I'm sorry, I just won't you huh stuck. I always means getting. If you can't do it, I never do accuse you can't do if I do it, I'm like, if I may, I will just be thinking about the rest of my

in a week. What can I like it, but I just I- was that some of this stuff that was left over from my mother's training- which I don't think is that horrible. When I look at cheese or butter, all I see is like a brick of fat that, like literally it's like, there's, nothing good about that, and then people are like, but she's so yeah me and like it is, but I can't woody. How is that good? For you look at it. Look at it, it's not worth it to me, any yeah, then like pasta, like you once or twice a year, only pasta, You know it's amazing, but it's like how do people eat this more than once a year? I do not understand how in bread on every fuckin sandwich If I you know, I never point like I'll have like a is equal. Tortilla may be peter bread. Yes, I love other things so much more. Why would I I feel like if you are in a restaurant, though here's my problem. If I'm in a restaurant I'm like- and I decided I wanted to go ahead and have some bread, I give it to upscale like it's focaccia, there's three types of bass, breads in the

with a whole host of just like all, have one piece and liked. I guess I'm doing this law in yes, you can just lay right, no Y know you're it's all or nothing. So so always like he, people have either lake. very either all in on this or there I'll out with with the navy their bread basket at this hour. Let's talk about like will now carry so how, because with me, it just really became a bow. You know forcing self acceptance, which I think is what you're saying do I guess it's like everyone's got their flaws. We got our habits, but you know, if you're healthy in your aware, you know you can make it decision sears for yourself, you don't get lost in that spiral of that shit yeah I mean I always thought I'd never far like. I was thought I'd be alone. With this forever I thought like. I will never be able to have a boyfriend, because I will never let anyone see the way I

eat or the way I live, or the fact that I eat in the middle of the night sometimes cause that's all I want to do or the fact that sometimes I go, though a week eating the same meal every night. You know like sometimes that's just the way I live, but now I'm just like. So what it's as weird as anything else than he does now so now modestly kind of I just think that's just getting older and like it isn't going argues offered by these just wanna be uncomfortable, so years You know you know like is it there is a comfort zone that doesn't have to be too skinny or two I think what it really comes down. There's you get older with this stuff. Is that, like it there's nothin, with me, not wanting to be over one. Eighty, five, I'm just not going where it happened. Right in that. I am not weigh myself every day, but if I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to take action, yeah, I'm not going to go all the way down. There's part of me that would fantasize about it, like it'd, be pretty sweet to drop ten, even though I don't need to, but that voice is louder I don't need. I won't look good war for me,

now I know that it's not about being fat or skinny from like I know that when I feel fat my therapist is drilled. Listen to me so hard that when I feel fat when I like looked down at myself and I'm like you're fat, it's because I'm depressed it has nothing to do with me being fat, and it's I'm depressed because whether or not I'm fat it has it's it's irrelevant. It's that I don't like self today, yeah, I'm depressed and both can you track that to something other than the pats are okay, so the fact I call her- and I say I'm fat today and she goes what's going on and then we talk about what else is going on? Is that a fight with my boyfriend? I had it as something at work. Am I feeling unfulfilled right with my friendships? Something else is going on, because it's not fat. It's not. That says nothing to do with the but that is the sort of tracks back to that idea that you know it is one of the things like. If you start spiral about that many take action. Then it's one. These weird obsessive patterns, you can control to control. What is controlling anything? It's not giving up the route of what's going on

don't I get them ass, my late, almost like a spiritual system like it'll. Take you out of the feelings are for tat is of what's really have a name for me, to focus on just the right and its agents, but then it just keeps going back because I did not even addressing what's really going. It's uh, it's so fucked up because it's in it so hard for me sometimes to realise what it even is, because I'm so good at not avoiding what is I've been doing. My whole fucking life four comedians yeah yeah, we're really good at bad or good voice Do you able to track and why

and initially yeah yeah I was it was. It was really hard for me to do because I just thought it was like. Oh, I just want to be like jennifer aniston, like I just thought that was it like. I just want to be skinny, and- and so I I fought that for a really long time, but then it was like. I went to one therapist who brought my mom in and then she kind of was like what goes on in your house and she kind of got my mom to admit that she drinks sometimes and that it's kind of gets out of control and then she was like well. Why don't you you should? Would you ever consider not drinking and my mom's like? No, I would not and she was like well, how did? How would you ever expect nikitas, stop Aida or to start eating,

was like. That, has nothing to do with anything, and she goes. It has everything to do with everything and she goes. This is bullshit and she, like literally pulled me out of the therapists office. So I go theres something there that again and then so. I think that if it was a lot of me and feeling of just not not very like loved or feeling very distant from my mom and not very like wired and loved, so like becoming just like twisted way of self parenting, exactly yeah right and just being like getting it trying to get attention and being like help me I want my my fresh mere college. I went to college and I got down to like one sixty nine and I came here when I was like how more look at me. I love I exactly. I have to sit down kids there no. She said to me. I e and I've thought about this before, like within the last decade. She said, I think I could love you if your fat,

is a grown man and I'm like all right. Well that explains everything: okay, oh my goodness. It's horrible to have that to have these parents that are so self involved that they're incapacitated from being selfless enough to parent properly. Yes, yes, and they don't even they don't get it. They will never get it and that's the thing that was so hard for me to realize. It's like. I want to confront them and say you're, so selfish. You didn't do anything to help me when I was dying you didn't even notice, you just thought I was on a diet that was like pretty kick ass. They literally said you know your friends who are calling us and are worried about your counselors they're just jealous oh yeah, they're jealous Nicky, and then you start to wonder. Why do you want me to live? Do you yeah, yeah yeah? I know it's fuckin, so it's just you know it and then just to experience the fucking like to go to that place, which is you know, which is the

of it. It's like one. Why start one? Why? How do you exercise those emotions? How do you feel the pain of that? you know, I know that I haven't done. It really help. How come some people go like my arms tat, my brother, I goes like he went to an intensive thing in my people. Go there like I'm going to do it, and you know it take a week and you'd. Have I dunno what's going to happen on the other side of that you know. I I you know. Who knows what you know it, but you know it's it's supposed to be a project the thing like a? Finally, I can get rid of that, but I'm like what the the whole fucking house could fall down. I think I did at one point I cause I remember my therapist very honestly being like you know she doesn't like pretty much be like she doesn't love you like

and I was like there's no way, that's four issues, my fucking mormino, originally latin bingley and fighting it and then kind of accepting it like she'd. She thinks she does, but that's not what it is worth being like right. She'll never understand that, and I never can make her underline what I noted a rule and though I kind of went through a morning of the loss of my. What am I envision, what I want my mom to be right, and now I've accepted her. As a mom like. I have no expectations for her, so she can't hurt me, and now we have a great relationship right. and I have seen the other side of it and so now I feel, although I did have to call my therapist on the way here and be like. Can I talk about my mom's drinking? She do think that'd be okay, but if she hears that she goes, are you or do you feel like you're responsible for your mom's drinking some now, and I know none of that not at all she was. Why are you asking me for permission to be able to talk about it like

you're right. I still do feel like I caused it somehow unless you have the protector, yet I have to protect you and I get that and I get and I think that's right at me I'd. I think that, because I have the same sort of understanding with my parents is that like, while they're, not really parents or their sees people, I grew up with, and you know I appreciate them. whatever it is that they thought they were doing. Was the din provide me with much self esteem or sense of sulphur or anything? So I had a cobbled together on my own and am older, and I Thank god. I achieved a few things to validate something in that year and because of that, the rest of it sort of followed. So I understood that dynamic and I dont think that I have described Three days in a sweat lodge to to really process at but you're right in some way. The old good point sign up for that, then, but by thy, but there is a there's a sadness, yet you have to live with still

little bit, you ate it, it's not incapacitating! It's not like you know. You can't function because of it, but there those moments. You right yeah, they weren't really that rate at me. I, like em, I talked to him once a week. I talk to my father this morning was in great if I was a baby, Well, it wasn't bad because we have problems, but I got often in my girl k, for that sets you that guy is yeah and then saudi iran right now right now that wasn't satisfying, but that's who that person is in you and then you just kind of you know getting your car and go. I can fucking fat yeah. There is a good luck and fat new like what's going on? I just got off the phone, my mother, I don't know, I don't do that. I do. I don't do that enough, because I have to say

like I can get and why can like what's replaced my sort of weird, the the the the she body? Shame stuff, which I don't do as much as I used to as like? What's the point, that's my new thing: everything's pointless yeah and then I'm like. What's really gonna, because I go right existential thing. Now, it's not like I'm fat that, like some our another, I can't sell that myself anymore, which is good so now I'm upset about something instead of really aging. Initially, it might be at this fucking. Why do I ve been? Do any anything I am there till I am. I am finding death to be very comforting like article. I then none of it manner as long as it happens quickly. Indeed, I dont know yeah Are you there with that? Like are you talking about like none of it, matters being like we're all gonna die, I know like my my my father does a little bit of that. There are. Some people are negative minded, but I think innately I'm not really negative, and I'm not even that cynical, and I do I believe that you know people are good and that things can be okay.

A: u usually yeah but like what what what I really get his like. More now but like I've achieved a little bit of success in my life is I will? What do I really want to do like and yeah is this? Did this make was this goal will end. Will you know when you do? In my view, is the goal we when you do? We do you even think about their necessarily, but you do know the difference between a life of of of trying to get something and then having it like you can always have more of it or like, but you know I've sort of accepted that you're my place in show business. I've carved out this little place for me and yeah, I'm not going to be louie, I'm not going to be. You know, like you're selling, out arenas, I'm not even sure I could handle that. So I'm I'm getting what I can handle. So I've achieved success and I'm proud of it. But now it's sort of like there's a part of me that for a while we've been trying to get here for forty five years so now you've got this one

do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you liked it? You know what what? What do you want to do? How do you enjoy life now, like everything has been about the compulsive struggle to you, you know to write the jokes here to get somebody to make a living dead, to sort of get some recognition for what you do, and now I'm here then there's a real big part of me that sort of like okay. I did it so now. What this part of me that does that yeah, but thank god I like talking to people like some people, experience joy, yeah yeah. We may know about that. I feel like I'm gonna, I have a plan for joy plan. Yeah, I'm going to surround myself, I'm going to do a bird rescue. I like birds, a lot I wanted to link oh yeah yeah, I'm going to surround myself with birds, really branch yeah, that's the only thing. That's like I'm excited about getting old is being like an old woman who has like a lot of

birds talks to. When did that start, and when I I got a bird when I was like really young fifth grade and I loved it, then I got a parrot after that and then ever since then I just go to bird shops sometimes and just hang out with birds cause they're just like, hang out all over the shop. Now I can appreciate a good pair it they're, so cool that, like I thought, cats were sort of detached unemotional, a bird it's sort of like do you, like me, don't know they're there may your pretty, though there so smart, and they should it be that the EU should only rescue birds? Birds are like not supposed to be pets but low there, so many now than they live to be like ninety seven, like the processing the dinosaurs there, like you know, I don't pay a lot of attention to him until I'm sort of like holy shit. Look at that bird theirself hugging, the when you see the flocks parents around here some time, oh yeah yeah have intervened yet ever dietary diane ozone twice on the shoe where it like you. Can you hear me linearly? Look up like there. They are it has to be the parrots, but there are several different neighborhoods that claim the parents and there are several different mythologies about it.

I gotcha. When did you start doing comedy I, when I was nineteen, eighteen, nineteen, nine college, yeah where'd, you go to college first, I first year I went to university of colorado boulder and then I transfer decay you for the rest of it yeah I was that Kansas. It was all right, it was god. It was good because I got in the can be seen in Kansas city who good for me who, Why comedy for you and me were- was it that compels? I was anorexic and I looked like a skeleton, and the only way I can make friends was to be really over the top funny, and your vote now is like in high school to no one high school. I was like. I was just normal and kind of quiet, I'd really funny friends, but I wasn't like the funniest one bright, but in college I went off by myself and I looked really scary and litter. I think it. I honestly think the only reason that I was able to have any kind of friends as cause like I was just

really funny? Because my friends told me later they were like looking back at pictures like you were terrifying. Well, if you looked like you, you gonna by age, but but you were so funny, we didn't see yet. We didn't see it because people would come up to them all the time. Be like we're. Scared about nikki and they'd be like what are you talking about, but and so then that's when people start telling me like, you should do comedy, and then there was like some kind of show on campus that I've signed up for and then I did it, and I was like oh my god and then that honestly, it's so sad. It feels like the cheesiest thing but like that was when I was like. Oh, I might I'll probably live now like I might just try to start living cause. I was just going to starve myself until my heart gave out because I was like I don't want to live because, like I never can eat again, because I can't I just can't do it like it seems like food was just like poison, like I literally couldn't put in my mouth, and so I was just like I'm just going to die and wait for that to happen.

Then, when I was like oh comedy is so cool and I was became like addicted to that more than I was starving, so that that gave me a reason to like, oh, maybe I'll start like trying to like the immediate validation thing, yeah, just like being obsessed with something new and obsessed with watching Sarah silverman and wanting to be her whatever it was that I wanted to. do later. That gave me a new reason till like live. I think, because I thought I want to be an actress, but I was like shitty at it. So then I was like. Why does this will kill myself then, because I can do that was sir, the inspiration yet like Sarah and when you leave me cause I didn't not when people's our time, you should be a comic, didn't know that, like women, did it really like india? I wasn't like india and Wendy. I cried a real sort of trooper and she's been doing it for time. I we started together. She was as our early on, like I remembered sea, like my dad, showing hurt me like one

was little and then, when I just looked up like female comics, I saw her and Sarah silverman and I was just obsessed and then I was like okay. I can do this, that's because that's what I wanna do they like do it the best of it. I've seen it so then I was like I'll just try to do that, and then I did that for several years. It's just that because I had never even had sex or anything, but I just started doing like jokes about having sex, really yeah having abortions is lying just being trying like literally dragoon reserves over like like talk like less and like be like LAO, I dont even know leg. I would like to her while lank that's normal. They? Wouldn't? I literal I remain we're harlan Williams, someone told me that hardly wound saw me when I was doing. I guess that on one of his chosen gear that he and he said after a low et Sarah silverman, and I was so hurt, but I was like Ben right before you to everyone's sounds. Like someone

beginning here, you don't do it. I love doing it when I didn't m c a couple weeks ago, and I was watching and I go, I better get ask him. His favorite comic of stage and he's gonna say rory scope like you should I haven't seen you go. I know who is favour comic, as you can see it right away when I was coming up, there is just what are we new yorkers like twenty tell? Yes? Yes, you know for toddlers a few hedberg yeah yeah I had always and on oh yeah, I was just another serious overrun and when did you wonder you feel yourself involving out that one? Do you like, so you do how long you been doing in two thousand and five. I guess no. She doesn't for writing. Three was like the first I but really governance. While the eleven talk here yeah so like you went through the evolution so like. When did you start to realize that you were talking you just so did like? Were you able to talk about having sex for the first time on stage I ii, not, I feel like I didn't get comfortable really until like two thousand

in eight. Maybe I cannot really talk about your life in a way because it was just I got on tv too early and how early the two years in with her. You are formed yeah well, I was just like the one minor comic its last coming standing. Oh, that's right! You did the yeah, and here I will. It was good and I was I was good for how long I've been doing it. Do you know it was fine, but you gave me a false it's like, does you know that I can do it or like? I knew you could do it, but yes, but ik. I moved to l a too soon, but he was fine and I moved to l a right out of college and then I kind of struggled here for a little bit got on the tonight show and then I literally moved to ST louis, like the next day back yeah, so you you tonight show how many years in three years oh my god and then what

and just what is it was. It was at the next bout of anorexia know that came like a year before I got into montreal and then I got like a new faces. New faces was in two thousand and seven, and I like I like starve myself before that, because I was just like nervous and was like this is my chance or whatever, and so I I fainted on stage that summer, just a one nighter thing and I drove down there after temping all day and didn't eat and- and I liked probably smoked pot- when running right before it you're good. All done. All of that and I ve always out there. He went down and I was on stage and in the middle, the joke and I'd never fainted. Before like been closed, never, and there was surge of veal and audit in, and I was like, I think him in a faint and we aim to noise. First comic up. And I will end you get one meal there like and I was broke size like so excited to dick eat that one big fuckin salad area and I was waiting for and they

can you go up and I was like I want to eat first and they're like? Can you just go up it'll be your food will be up on her grow up and I was like okay, so I go up and like I think, when a faint- and I said is when I go, is that weird and she was like yeah and I was like? Is it and then I just down, and I woke up- and I thought it was a bad dream that I fainted on stage and I woke up being I thank god that didn't happen. I'm holding the mike still up to my face in everyone's around me and I'm just like. I got It- I woke up and I ran into the women's bathroom. There is a huge crowd. She was a big restaurant, everyone's dead silent. I run the restroom and I was sitting in the women stall, just like whom we gladly me. Life is overly careers over. I was just thinking like everything so

for me. This didn't get an online and everyone's going to know that I'm anorexic and all these things and then I just got filled with that anger where you're so embarrassed or angry, and I ran out of the bathroom because there are no no one came in to help me cause. It was all men helping me and I ran the women's room, so I'm in there alone and just angry and ran out, and I intend to the whole restaurant that was just quit. it cause. There are so stun her just like that, and then he ran into the kitchen to make it better. Oh yeah and just was like food and I'm just like grabbing food and just shoving it in my face and crying anime, oh, my god, so so, and it was the worst moment of my life and and yeah, and then I eventually came out of the kitchen. Everyone applauded and I'm so embarrassed like just the most cause you you're caught. I was caught for being anorexic, like everyone knew I was very

Oh yeah, the flustered humiliating. They were plotting new york that you and me yeah. They probably worked like. That was the main thing I just like you dummy you did you don't have control of your fucking disease was what it lawyer and now is one I was like. I probably should start eating and and that was right before montreal yeah and did you eat up there, not really? No, I didn't, and I was like yo went up there too early. I made no sort of impact whatsoever. I remember like I came back from it. An agent was at the improv who had seen me up there and it was a button front of a bunch of people and he goes Nikki glaser. You guys should have seen her in montreal. She was so drunk and I thought he was going to be like she was so amazing and I was like beaming so drunk and I was like, oh god that was a mess, and then I moved back home to ST louis. After that, Yeah how'd, you do in its nature, degrade ogre. I killed a great big

me day off- cause Paul Abdul dropped out. May I was on the board for like a while. I had been like slated to beyond for her jager now with J, and then they called me the day I was like hung over and I just showed up like three hours later and unjust yeah. It was thank god. It was like day of cause. I would remind you, like I'm gonna go home now and then the next day I was I just. I thought everything was gonna change. Nothing obviously change today after the late in the day after I liked was like thing like it was maybe the week later, but were talking to me why or where where's my where the big where's the celebration, I wasn't so naive to be like everyone's gonna come calling, but like nothing changes, you know like nothing says like that was sort of like the free flow of show business. I went to subway the next day. I remember ordering a sandwich and the girl looked up and goes, and I was like yes and she was like. I recognize you

it's like all horsemanship like I was like? Oh my god. Oh thank you cause. They look smoked and drank too much of the time, so that was the We have. I ever got recognise when they move back very year and a half, and then I moved to new york when you went back did you find get should under control or what creature too. Much is another problem, yeah yeah and then move back home and I yeah. I was drinking too much. There had a blast, but like I, go back home, just kind of not eating you're, just boozing and you're got fast smoking and got fat at home and then and then I moved to new york in two thousand and ten because I was just like I can't keep staying here I was I was like. I became a headliner when I moved back to ST louis, like I was working, hard, but I was just a mass regionally, like all yeah, yeah drive and everywhere so I think I own many apple.

Bananas blooming tat, all the good places, and then I'm moved to new york because Amy shores like move here all day you hooked up shoes, lingered areas covered her. We met on myspace in like two thousand seven like. I just saw her on there and was like I love what you're doing what's be friends, she was like I love it. Doing and then we became friends and we met in montreal. We were both new faces in two thousand and seven fall in love, and so she was like moved to new york like I'll, introduce you to who you need to be introduced to, and just took me under her wing and she's awesome. They moved to new york for her and then hum, and then I I got sober like have a year and a half later like servers over like recoveries over just like I dreaded Alan car book keeping anyway a direct. Why run

I won in two thousand and eight, and then I read the the other one in two thousand one yeah the easy way to stop drinking and that did it yeah. It's amazing, holy shit and urine singer talks about that. Alan Carr book has given it to me three or four times, because eventually he smokes again. Oh my god, so for copies of it, so that we achieve a vat around toper, toper max yeah I did I'm serious life is good I, like, I, don't mean fro yo all the time I just get it like. When I want more than zoloft. Well, be? U trend, tobin max bam that's the kind of our town in destroy you to sleep. You are, sir,

We are happy that, although I always forget to renew my prescription- and so do you feel a difference of which one all of them. I always forget, like at the weekend, I have to go without any of them, and so I'm going to be off in like two weeks, I'm going to have a real shot. you d on Monday how you should I was so depressed week. I was off to europe this week, oh big time at a big, depressed, weak bad when I got out of it. Yes, yes, I was, it was too, while I usually don't have I dont, get depressed anymore, like those low low ones where I want to look like lie in bed and just about dying here. I'd never have them anymore to get to get him all the time, but I had em this week twice and they usually last like days, but these only lasted five hours men, but I just couldn't. I leave work which I never have to do and I had to let go home was bad, but the worries are you chipper today

I don't know. I think that cause. I am I on it I got back on the medicine, but I think it's also cause. why does everything I'm fighting it because I got rolling carbons there's two days of it and I just would like. I can't have that happen again. It's so misery during shooting anyway, and especially not during this podcast, and I was like this one someone minded me on tuesday, when I was depressed, like you ve just a debate here on friday, I was not this week like I can't be in this mine state of mine, ogre into that over. I give you some incentive to chip yup, you did even we came here and tar devalue food issues. My food issues in yours I wouldn't have been right for you know. It is following that you are able to talk about that too, because it is nice that you, because you're right, not a lot of men talk about it, but all men have it to actually in l, if so funny how every guy and allay has a scale on their backs.

in no other city. Will you find that out? You figure that out just dating men and allay what I used to live here. I would, with your boyfriend, three years oscar yeah and he's working on the show. how we owe you area to show on tv for awhile, right, yeah, two seasons, Nicky answer alive with searching for her as you know, what's good for you, I mean it was good. They just didn't like yeah, it just ended, and this in what's the birth of this new one,

this. One came out of me and my boyfriend. I met on Nikki and sara live, he was a producer and then we were still dating and then he was like. What's your next show, comedy central was interested in working with me and we came up with this idea cause. He was like well you're, like the biggest perv I've ever met, so we should probably do something with that and I was like you're right like I, I like talking about sex and that's what kind of perv are you like? I just like I'm into like dirty, weird stuff, like I like talking about dirty stuff, I just like hearing about people's sex lives. grow stout by anything here and I'm just interested zone like it's all under the guise of me being like a curious perth right, but are you more the curator or do you get yourself in do weirdness? I get myself into a lot of weirdness. We I've been doing a foot fetish party, I've. I helped guys improve their dick peck's and I ended up having to like put like handle their debts,

I put them into these dire rama's. Then we made, and so I had to touch a lot of dick and your boyfriends, like you just touch the dick yeah like he really was like and do it you did what like. But he yeah, but he's he's fine with it. I am we're. We've talked about my boyhood and I have always talked about opening up our relationship because I like to hear stories of him like being with other women like I've, always liked to hear about his past. I just turns me on and so but he's out of stories, so I was like you need to go, make some new ones. So I interviewed girls to fuck my boyfriend on the show, so we did that and then the fuck one, no, we didn't land on a good one like I almost don't want it to be someone I pick. I just want them to like go. Do it and then have me find out about it like I almost wanted, and I almost wanted to be. Maybe someone he's already hooked up with something like that and like he almost did it once he made out with a girl once when I told him to have testing

and I learned to you know he was on. He was at a bachelor party and and he loved hearing about it loved it huh yeah cause everyone's like. Are you really going to love it, and I was like yeah? Am I fucking loved it? I not yeah. I like that, so warm and then also yeah, and then this week and the whizzy want you to fuck somebody. No, no! It's not a two way street right now and you don't want it. You know I would. Of course I want to fuck other people like I'm not he's still like have desires, but no, I I but this is something that I want. So it's it's yeah. So how I don't like it? What point is that show big where's? Your line.

I there have been things that I have been uncomfortable with like he wants to. We want to put his parents on a lie: detector cause I've done my parents on a lie, detector and ask them questions about their sex life, and I've had my guy friends on a lie, detector and ask them if they want to fuck me and done stuff like that, and now they're like. Let's have chris's parents on it and you ask them if you're a good enough girl for him, and I'm like that, makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to- I would have relationships with these people. Ultimately, so that's make like there's a certain lines right but, like I don't emotional eyes as our interesting yes, and let's talk about this at the service of unhealthy stones, unhealthy gonna done an out. Do. Do I have lunch with diamonds now now so still, there's boundaries, professional boundaries, sure yeah sure

though she hasn't see anything I do like she doesn't watch my santa. Are you know anything she's on positive? She doesn't care. So what would cause you don't want to break up with her, because all my friends told me I should clearly because she'll tell me things like you're. Not the beauty you're, not beautiful, you're, not a model. Who cares what you look like she's eighty she's, eighty she's, an old jewish eighty year old woman, whose if you're not you're, not beautiful or you're. Okay. Looking now so, like I'll, be, like you know, I I talk about. Like I'm worried about this thing, I'm taping this weekend. I had to find a dress for it. Why are you wearing a dress? Why don't you just wear what you normally wear, because I want to look. Nice Why do you want to look nice you're, not a beauty, you're, comedian and I'll be like, because I want to look pretty but you're, not pretty she'll, say that's tough to me and I go you've done it. You can't say these things

and she goes well. You need to get it through your head, you're, not a model. What is this announced stark weeping, something that where's show? we said right? I've asked her to be on my show and she goes I'm no, I'm terrible on camera. I would never get her on the fucking phone she's amazing. She is so fun get her on the phone. shit yeah sheikh that you're going to set up a situation that, like you, might be like delegate for the show and then call her to ask her what you you're, not funny, I'm funny you're the least funny client, I af I'll tell you yeah, yeah you're, not funny. I can't even believe you're a comedian you're, not funny I'll. Tell you who is funny, I'm funny. I have other sheep, so I send my boyfriend's brother to her and she he's even told me that she's asked him is Nicky. Funny, like I haven't seen her saying that she funny because she's not funny in here I go because I know what am I I'm not trying to be funny in here. Very

serious. I guess this is the kind of mother. You need no shit who's. Like you, honest, we gonna do this idea. It doesn't sound great, but I can You understand why you like it half I love it. I love it. She's. Just like she's meme she's mean to me, don't you the connection between her treating you like that and you wanting to hear about your boyfriend, fucking other women and yes, see you like this weird. This is weird submissive thing yeah I like being told on what to do like she'll. Give me like she'll, be like now you're going to do this. If I need to write like an e mail to someone she's like take out your phone I'll, tell you what's right and I'll just write it like. She tells me what to do, and I love it. I hate like these, like. I would suggest you do that like just tell me what to do. I love it alright and that's like the worst thing that a therapist can do. I think it's like just tell you how to live your life, but like

I yeah, I love her and I, if I have a daughter, I'm going to name her donna like I'm, going to name my daughter after my therapist, then you're going to ask your done your daughter to yell at you yeah, please, tell me mommy's ugly sale, how army is she's so funny she does. I I'm very thin and I, cause. I if I overeat one day, I don't eat the next day. She has like no concept of like what to say to an anorexic girl and I'm not even kick. This woman is so expensive, she's the it's insane. What I pay for this lady is, but she is ok. Amy once told me she was like she goes. I go Amy. I can't stop seeing this is years and years ago, two I got Amy. I can't stop seeing her. I owe her so much money and she goes nick. I will pay whatever you owe her right now, free to stop seeing her. It was like twenty grand or something you like. I will

it's right now. Amy almost came in one time with me to see her because a dutch she hated domicile much. She was like I want to go and what in dunams links and er and with me come on bring her in and we would just didn't work out schedule. That's how much Amy was like. I don't like this woman and Donna is always like. I saw him I Amy's article in the new york times, and you know what I did. I don't agree with what she's that liquid were always talking about like what Amy said, because she knows that every hates you of this act. It's just like I just love. She just makes my life more. Recycling, and sometimes I just do things for the story. You sound like what's happening it tat, she does the thing. Is she provides me with a lot of guidance like I will. I don't know what I'd I'd panic without her like she's, the first person. I call when something bad happens and, unlike I need to know what the right thing to do

Well, no, she just because she's she's, so straightforward and a little abusive, there's an honesty. Do it? Yes, that that you reacted. I just think she's right, I just think she's right. She convinces me. She is, hmm ok as long as you do you ever does she he make you cry and ruin your day only once and I it was very early on okay and I I think it was because I knew she was right and I just wasn't: they do except. That is an interesting. I think I just limbed with so much uncertain, growing uncertainty. going up, my or my mom would be like. I don't know what you should do near hate that I have there too. we are now. Do you want me to say now? Did you get that one? Yes, the worst? Yes, yes aren't you know you could do either wine beer, I dont. Now we will. If you go, you could do it could be really fun, but also if you dont, like there's always like right. I just want people to make decisions or me right, I'm very bad at making decision. So it's very nice to to learn how to from an old

I do I add that too and like I don't like the way, a manifesto me, those just anxiety, so I get like to that. The fact that I have a house and everything was going- cause. You know what push me to do it, but like now, I have to like, like it's falling apart, and I need to do something and not just I get exhausted. I feel like. I just got a call the guy to come, trim the tree when's that going to happen yes and it's because of that because, like I I get overwhelmed the anxiety of just being decisive and then, if I do make a decision as soon as I do it like that, the fucking wrong decision, god dammit, what what's down his number exactly I want everyone to see her. I've turned so many people under her and it's working for people. It really is a lot of comics or it was good talking to you. It was great talking to you mark? Thank you for the exciting and new, and and do I do do we have a nice chat? We I think we did we did we did. Did you just asked me if we did

dear, but I'm telling you now guys chat thing unless you, I really feel like the urge to. are you to do so? Yeah yeah? Ok, yes, we did what's a good deal thanks. Thank you mark all right, so that was that was fun I like her. I like Nikki Glaser, so yeah watches season, finale of legality, central show not safe in the greater its moral rights, or do we have to forward to on on thursday a lot. If you're going to find out what happened for real in nebraska, I can fucking play guitar I can I always ask you about the guitar, like your expecting it.

Ah uh huh, Yeah Yeah burma.