A guy. I goods do this. How are you what the fuckers, what the fuck bodies, what the buccaneers, what the fuck's theories, what the fuck Adele Alex? I mark man this is w E F, my podcast welcome to it. I hope you do o k heavy weak. I guess it's all heavy, depending on you know where you're sitting and what your life looks like and what you're paying attention to what's coming down on you, but it's a heavy weak I'm on my way in a few hours and to go to a memorial for gary channeling recording the sunday at, but It's gonna be a celebration of a man's life. We ve gotten a little distance here and not much, but it It is an honour and a celebration of gary's life, and I dont know what

it's gonna, be like. I guess I'll tell you about that on thursday. It's sad, but no one, but he's left some great stuff and you can appreciate it and feel the grief and of a pain in an empty people that they knew him are appreciated him in and you do that. That's what we do is people and not sure, did in point my life, that I would have been able to do that. I don't know why I was brought up. You know this in avoidance of it now while trying to avoid death, but he out of respect- you know in and out of compassion and empathy. Newhart has to go out has to go out. Prince died this week possible. was not essentially one of my guys, but certainly I repression It is music and I thought he was a genius and he was you know, fucking him ballsy and courageous, and did things no one else could with music and then just with his

place in the world and in culture took on the big shots. People out there are really reeling from that and in it feels like it feels like that. All these People are dying that dignity and what a bad here it's been. You It bowie, I I guess that's true, but but you know people die every second It's just that when they have a apart of your life in your heart. In your mind, He would resonates and obviously large I see harem china trying to frame Certain way in there's really there's really no way to frame it. It's a it's! It's sad and it happens There is no matter what we do tat prolonged or avoided. It's there, it's it's, it's right, hovering it's the knowledge of. It is hovering in something that we talk a lot about on the show in one way or the other close friend of mine was to have one and was devastating

I don't know I don't to do at an indian put my heart out there to them. and you'll make myself available it anyway. I can and offer my my my deep sorrow am just happy that I feel that I'm happy that my cynicism has not term has not caused me to be detached and unable to feel that the sort of them dark depth of of loss and- in my friends or or in the culture that it happens, I'm not sure it always happened, because I was so caught up in shit, so spiralling in my own little dumb world of of of nerve? pain and panic that I was not capable of empathy, I think, is very important. And I'm not preach in here, but at andrews warnings about myself cause I'm somebody that that came into empathy sort of later in life. I didn't really have equipment for it. Because of the way I was brought up,

and I was always sensitive, but a lot of times just about you, but to really he'll, be empathetic and try to understand the pain of loss and others is it's an important thing, and this is where the EU has like basic shit that I have to figure out all the time you, has to win and a lot of us have become cynical and detached in self centered about things and you missive in snark e india onto them thing, but it's ok to feel pain? It's ok to feel fear and if you can connect with the love that will enable you to a priest Eight! The world is not a dark place. The you know it's important. It's important to yourself is poured into people around you, I'm not great at it in I go right tat you know flash of sadness and manifest themselves in the anger and then I want to eat. Something then don't want coffee and want to have a nicotine

while, since you'll get on twitter want check my email, I wanna go to somebody I want to. I just want to get away just one. I want feel it the option, to avoid feelings in the culture we live in now is like profound: it's all that that's what it's demanding of you get lost, get it hit get a hit somewhere dodge it. Dodged pain, gonna sit in it. We gotta sit in it for yourself and for other people, I'm can it myself right now? Yes, music calves move me through things I've been compulsively listening, you like records and in this cat Nathan, in who as a band call the rivulets and I remember playing the one record that he sent me and I was like this- is it you know the just. I liked that sort of three chord kind of switch oh groove

the euro will be the echo over the very broad. Oh it s a dead that movement, Annie and I came across this one single that I guess he had sent me. called right arm molina, it's on the ace, and I told Jesus Christ how much I love her. That's on the beside besides attendance and this through it on and you know, and I get a lot of records and I I I think I've listened to that thing, like your fifty fuckin times, last month, and I don't even know why it's one, those songs that that somehow takes you different different places, a transcendent to it that somewhat melancholy, but but bra. It's almost like your floating. in the sadness but its fields. Invigorating and it's been very helpful to me this week and you're not going to personally thank Nathan, a munson, and I you know I love when and find a song like that, the gist if soothes, all the darkness with

obliterating it without detracting from the feelings of what you have them and lets you stay in them without feeling like you're, going to disappear and there's a lot of grief out there. now, if you choose fear over love or fear over acceptance, Can we too are too bad places so that at times I'm size so heavy I'd so heavy I have to go. Listen to ride on molina, a few more today, fuckin, thank god, that's all right now, our guests steve out, not in an odd we. plays into what I'm talking about two to reckoning with the fact tragedy in darkness in death every day being word: that's! That's! The gift of consciousness you know, if get some peace of mind in some some some connectivity to your heart,

than to your heart- to the world's you no great but those a guy who you know A clown in ways courageously confronts death ridiculous reasons, and it seems It is ridiculous and it seems still it sometimes but I'll tell you. There was not the first time you see that first jackass movie there there's nothing like it in life, there. There is some sort of weird point to the calm rotter into the into the risk they take for our After and for our surprise- and this is a way- this is like you, what I'm talking about like I watched his- has showed special, it's called guilty is charged, demands on video. You go to sleep The commune check out his tour dates it, but, as you'll find out when I talked to him than theirs there's only certain things you can do over and over again, without really possibly hurting. seventy hazard himself, but why

no, I tried to figure it out. But when you watch it there there's something bolder something crazy, but there's some that transcends death in those moments where the, guys, are doing stupid, stupid shit. could really hurt them and sometimes do hurt them and they come out laughing. the very immediate way in a very hilarious, and and stupid actions that that that were allowed to laugh at and at that moment really sort of life in the face of death and that's a service life is disappointing. Life is hard, but death. There there's there's some wiggle room, it's up to you and your perception like he just the other day. I you know I found out that I actually experienced this weird pain that I haven't had in awhile that I thought I was over, that I thought that though move past as a grown man, you

my special more later, which has my new special, which I very proud of and I can't I can't believe, I'm telling you this by while not that whatever, but you know I am very proud of that special in and you can see it on epics and you can see it on em I'm prime or whatever. That is in hulu my, if seashell marin, premiers may fourth very soon. It about that. I'm going beyond the tonight show if everything goes properly on may third but but I had this thing happening and I I wanted to put out a vinyl, because he you know, I'm a vinyl guy and you know- and I and I want to feel like on some level- that I'm not your average vinyl guy, though every time I go to a a record store to to find some new vinyl or trade in some vinyl, I see a bunch of other dudes, my age in different stages of social awkwardness and problems. You ok for jeanne through the bans but enjoy vinyl, and I like listening the new music and,

you know, I've had you know I guy, Oh, I love tee. Seagulls music in our I've had their yes. Even now. listen here and I've had day, Michael Cronan Joanna newsome. You know coming up in nam, and I was in the end. I I've been turned on to a lot of music by these people and, like I know, I'm an old guy. I get it. I know that, but I'm Definitely any music plays a big in my life to stave off death thoughts, basically like everything else. Well, I you know I have more later I want to. I thought, maybe I put it on vinyl you don't have to, and I could do it probably a lot of places. I've been offered the opportunity- did do vinyl record. I did one for thankee pain, comedy central did it, but I thought that because he he and I know Dan over drag city, the guy. Who was one of the owners. I guess and you don't have a relationship with them. I get the records and I enjoy him and I get excited

the bathroom, and so I thought man that'd be cool man that maybe I just asked drag city. If we can put out a vinyl, I mean just a small pressing may be one thousand be cool I'd. Add maybe do a bunch of stuff that was in on the special that's out there and you know be the drag sue you avoid the cool kids. You know I pitched it I'm liking. You know, look at you, I own the rights it would cost just in whatever it would cost a precedent put the art together and be I seem to have a nice thing per fans, have small release here, for a while. I write oh right to Dan and four momentum like our right. Well, maybe I'll just move on and tat. You know and find another way or yourself know released and well you know he got back. I mean he said, look you know. Maybe we can put it on, or you know, or or secondary label.

And yeah, and I'm like yeah, I dunno kind of want to make a drag city records dan. I will make her drag city record, then I don't hear nothing and then I I do one of those things like died. I get it. I get it and I just write back and I go forget it forget it. You know I can do myself, it's not necessary, one idea. I had an attack While thousand you know, out the cool kids. Maybe you wait. I know you do another comedy record way. It gets me, hey man! You know I mean do it, but has to be a can, answers here and one day you're not into it history shows him name was dude under the bus. Who now to think like that. You didn't think I was cool enough not cool enough. No, no, not drag city, not cool enough. the guy who actually read it is life in his fucking garage still works in it who,

the garage saturday bonnie prince billy? I, like my math sweeney, I had on the show- I'm telling you that some things I've come back around and I actually I will fuck in her feelings gazelle in cool enough be on a label that I love and that just now sure of being an old guy. I guess so, figure out another way to put that out, get that out here transcendence. How do we do it. I had a nice conversation with steve, oh and, and I'm going share that with you now. This is me and steve out again his special guilty, charges on show time on demand and now on video in go to stephen dot com and check out his tour dates, and this was good. This was good. Enjoy in the day,

it's a special last night. I did thank you so much one on one was the one supposed to write: hey man, I didn't have any expectations yeah. Why do I find that when I have the time, I should probably do a little of the the homework given to me, but I you are these, who I know who you are, and I knew like here's. My like my first thought was because I remember, he started shown up a comedy clubs. Now, I'm sure there If there was a number of us who are like what the fuck, what the fuck is steve- oh just like do in comedy now you know, but the euro. When I watched it, it's like its thoughts and as per se, it's like a one. Man show sure right. I mean isn't that basically what it is, I would say, Simon's definitely storytelling corporate stance into it, and I I just try to make sure My stories are funny and the. How are they not going to be funny or something like that? It's either your dick is going to be in there or you're going to fallen out of something awry fucking.

Person there many loon navigate like it. It's been gone great and I've not models whether what I'd do after anybody like right, so I feel, like it's a regional, it's out then take ITALY will without when I watch dog is like there's always is weird thing with old comics, where there are sort of like thought you just guy basically what sort of micronesia cell and take it because you steal vow, doesn't have to do a comedy. I sell your stand up, but when I it was like you chose to use the end of clubs too kind like workshop. This funny show that has a narrative, it's got. An art is a beginning middle and end. You know you moved, some shit, but it's like it's like it. inter thing almost baby. I imagine that when you if you've sought out at the beginning of it to do small theaters around the country. People will be like. No, we don't want you to burn our fucking theatre down or DA man. Then the number to do I like fire stunt All the time- and I wasn't going to do it on the on my specialty, but the fire Marshall got in and shut it down, but did like tiny little like comedy clubs with

curtains and everything and I'm like born fire everywhere and and they can only got away with it alive lot- would not always not always and mad and never never a fire a fire, but about prairies least, should shut down in housing buddy you know outside of fake teeth, terrible tab, tears and esophagus condition, condition. That's pretty manageable, common, pretty tip top shave, man, it's like until issues ave your teeth. I you know I just. I have made a habit of breaking teeth an hour and let in like at first that, like I broke down, I broke seven of them in one go and which, which thing was that I jumped off a balcony at a keg party. his pre jack younger, steve, steve, oh yeah, telling this girl on a balcony of how I was going to become aware of a rad famous stunt man trying to demonstrate him.

National fight scene and and I pretended to get punch, just threw myself off the balcony, and I said over the railing and landed on my face on the ground and I broke like seventy. Like I said I had to stages and my chin concussion fractured cheekbone out of work out that girl his head right that I broke my wrist to men holy shit. How are you I was at that point? Twenty years old I was twenty

hey, that must have just been like there's something so horribly hilarious about that is you're trying to impress buddy and then they had to call an ambulance. I mean like mindset like I've, said she's out there, whatever she wasn't like this. The hottest check that out and I was I have to be a theme with you right yeah and there was like face down on the concrete mary and remember landing, but because I needed ten stitches in my chin, I had like a pool of blood blood growing around my face. I'm face down in a pool of blood, not even moving at all and my buddies thought like. If he's not dead, he's going to need Now we'd in his pockets, like you know they can down, and I rivalled through my my pants, yet my weed out. So when the cops came or the air ambulance came and

have friends that have interesting priorities right. If he's not dead, he's going to need that we we got his back on that. I hope he remembers his name is dead were going to need that we yeah. Such a specific world. A vulcan insanity that you, like always lived in what words where the fuck did come from word you grow up, because I know you mention and show that you're the successful business rather, I dont adam gay sense of that I was born in england, gmo in london. I in england the air was specifically wimbledon six months old Brazil spoke really first words in portuguese. Really I had dad was the president of pepsico.

In Brazil that was his gig, so he was like. I like olives like pepsico in Brazil, he was a ceo type of guy yeah. He ran them the brazilian division of of pepsi. That's a that's a big job, Susan's international pepsi cola, executive. Exactly a hot and get whether that is specifically the present and pepsi called brazil, and am here, like my parents, shit popping up. They were successful. You now I was raised by live in maids I like, who I grew. I spoke my first words in portuguese, usually because I was raised, like my parents, didn't inspire me it to write. First words to you were raised by this woman who I was hired by your family. As me, I have no recollection, or I don't even know any of these speak any other languages down man when I was like in summer camp when I was a kid. I spoke apparently portuguese in my sleep, oh really,

and then I was two years ordinary venezuela did nursery school there and he was worth knowing how it has promoted and more like central america now is overseen pepsi in central america and then move to connecticut. When I was for arrow, no were hard working, a dairy it was nice right now, you're, that's word, that's, whereas he owes go to to to retire and lying like dad was just getting started at that point has still open for pepsi. I went to kindergarten and kinetic area you now I died, learn to speak three languages by the age of four. I went on to completely forget two of them by the age of five and and moved in miami. When I was six with your dad met with my with my family, at that Dad was began working for r J, reynolds tobacco, oh man, I seriously tobacco see and we really home the cartons we lived in, and my but dad oversaw argue reynolds in and south america. Somehow

got real american sort of. Like you know, not so healthy businesses hearings days a year had a guy said, and then I moved to london. Going around nine back, maybe avatars. My first experience. What was he doing there point I want to say is working for delmonte. Tomatoes. And there are you, like you know all over the place, but pre privileged, I mean zebra refugee super privileged corporate brat am and then twelve years out of him to canada. Dad was, I want to say that present have an abyss in Canada? You want to say: are you kind of that yeah I mean it worked for nabisco. He worked for nabisco, but I think he was like the president of nabisco canada. It's like a high level corporate executive, like you know, food and beverage guy and occasionally tobacco right haha as you get along with them. Did you call him dad and are super tight? Now, yeah I mean here's. Here's my mom's not, but my dad is and then they stayed married through all this shit

isn't there a lot of shit for twenty five years and they're they're married, and I had it right there. Mom was an alcoholic and oh really yeah her alcoholism was was pretty heavy and dad didn't necessarily understand it and and that will know Alan on four dead. You know and I, at server. I tell her data is you know like there? We were checking me in to to rehab and dad's talking about. You know once we get this behind you, we have this fixed and I just sat down- and I told dad, but this doesn't get fixed me behind me, like I'm an alcoholic, I'm a drug addict always going to be that way, and instead the fact that you didn't they you still I understand that being married, mom for twenty five years is frankly pathetic. I said, if I mean it, cause I'm serious about this, and if I'm going to be serious, you know they're, not, then you need to be jewish to where you can fuck it all.

In a room and told him you gotta go down on their, which was, I guess, pretty and cyprus for a guy like dejection right right. You knew I had had so much of the history of my family size. I understood, did he go he did at after I had no. After maybe like a few months. He said like that. You know going to these meetings, and I want to like you be supportive and stuff, but I just don't quite understand it, because I feel like the people in the meetings are there for their own problems right. How and he's like. I don't have any problems I just want to he's like I just want to be. import of instead of helping you in your recovery, and I said that great dad when it's time just hand me a beer and a joint. Well, that's the fucked up thing about. It is like they don't like their stubborn in their ways and they don't necessarily understand like they in their mind. It's it's willpower thing and you just have to be a part of. It is willpower power despite whatever whatever's but but

but it's also the willingness in that you're doing the some of the spiritual work in the and I and work in the steps that you can learn how to think like a human but but a lot of times ages. They can't process that they can't he had serious disease. They can't. he's don't understand like why? Don't you just stop right, and I'm glad you say that too, because it there really is a lot of work power involved in our a power that gets you, have your ass and good good, or that a meeting or noise like I'd, say you're right. It's not talked about a lot of these talked about like it's a miracle or something, but in order to have the willingness already get fucked up enough to want to stop and yet you gotta go to meetings and stuff, but like india, when you're sydenham alone is still you gonna gang and do it You know what I mean like for whatever reason I'm not going to do it. It may be god's help and maybe that guy called his help, and maybe that meeting is helping, but I have to I'm sitting next to alcohol right now and I'm not drinking it and that's not a miracle. It's a choice. Right I mean

I've always say stay strong and I think to myself well stay powerless as what they hear right. You remember. We have a that's, that's the beauty of the fuckin that that first step thing. You know we talk about this on the show business like to really understand that you can't do it because there's no way to do it without getting fucked up sure in to have that, in your mind, it in your heart that mean that the trick in lebanon, the choice. A little easier right I wasn't saying this earlier today that this step wine and second paradox are so many paradoxes in the programme, but we know it. in admitting that we apparel powerless over our girl. We admit hopelessness, men in hopeless, as is where we find hope right it's paradox well yeah and say, and then there's all that you know that window into like you know really fucking deal with who you are and, like you know, deal with the problems, and you know what I mean like the pain of sobriety by that insanity, but when the start like gum like you

I have any brothers or sisters have an older sister, yeah how'd. She turn out. Ah, she's got her own issues where substances aren't our thing and she is a high school teacher really in south florida and south florida, even though she just stopped being a teacher and went into some weird like copywriting, for, like a financial institute in that sort of a weird situation but yeah she said I'm as normal as can be. She was a high school teacher. The kids wouldn't find out. Oh no way, I've got Steve o's sisters. My teacher like this is going to be awesome and then like andrew, like day one god. Fucking sucks shit is disappointed by waves of students every what they expect more to come in on fire. I dunno like say expected: it'd, be like kind of cool or

yeah yeah or yeah a little bit nihilistic and nuts right, I mean we have enough in common, but then again I'm not really nihilistic. Nonsense like too much I. I think that, like the reality of me is sort of a would be sorta disappointing to a lot of people. I dunno. Why think that? Well, whatever the reality is, there's documented evidence sure of you being nihilistic enough, then there's enough in their to worry, even if you said, even if you said now that really maybe you look your I are on fire sure do. My balls have been on fire had been extinguished with care but so windows like you know, she alabama told her she three and a half years. We like what well do you, forty one I'll, be forty changing so yeah? came up. Like is yours gay kid right now, not a superpower did what yeah, but you could do it, you don't have to launch it sure. That's what brought me to the video camera right, because I

I first saw jackass that yeah. I it's one of these astounding events in my life because I didn't know what to make of it and I talked about about two knoxville, because you know you It's the assumption. You know, as a dude like me is like who the fuck are these you know alpha dicks be and all you know, bro e and then well, that's make judgment you make before you go and then you go and like this is in fact rise like fuckin punk rock insanity is like fucking, crazy sure, and I was so impressively in so hilariously like I'll, only watch it like I watched the first time in the experience of watching that thing for the first time is so overwhelmingly hilarious. That, like I can't I want to watch it again by one save it for another decade or says bunny networks couple of the other ones. But you ve made like what twenty now read: three theatrical movies. I saw a second one

into the lincoln owners, the masterpiece. I really think I guess the third one was kind of tyre where within three do you want the ideological out three d when it was in for the technology that will I have a why you think the second one was a masterpiece, because you guys knew each other well enough to to really kind of white trust, each other, the chances that were noisy. I think that it was just there at the reckless abandon was added peak, oh yeah, I think the reckless abandon and I think that that we want I d is right, like there is enough flag, and I think that we were there extra of us having been at it long enough to have a kind of good, but not too good and eye. And still had ideas and a word and the reckless abandoned, or what

it will remind me what were some of the things that happen in there. That was knoxville did did the rocket riding the guy into the water, and he did that he put he put the cigarette in his mouth and the blindfold, and then the yak just goes and takes him out. Oh yeah yeah add the fish hooks there my face and cast out to the sharks like everything in that movie, where they anime, and that was the other thing. It was just like a blast production man. Every time we did something that just worked everything worked well. Where did was? Where do you remember it starting this? What was driven by music was driven by a need for it pension will lie. Engine railways agency cannot away at large. Islands are drives everything I've done. It goes back to that neglected. When I was a baby in Brazil, when you were so you dab restorative, like working in czech down your mom was near my mama's, pretty giant dad was, but that we have, but that was ten, What do you during your childhood that she was wasted me now

until I was, I was saying like seven or eight year end, and then it was it was in their prey acute it's sad man I may hey now I like, and it's nothing to bitch about. I think that most thing that are notable serve as advantages as was is again sure. Comedies over there it's? Maybe did you find yourself, like you know when you were younger, did did? Did you find yourself feeling responsible for it or like trying to to help her and that kind of shit, because no not at all? If anything, the fact that when mom was drinking going to school became optional, it was treat yeah. I know it. I like I, then, if I or whatever the like, if she was sober there, there were like boundaries and rules and when she wasn't there are, you know like I wanted a hamster. I couldn't get

amsterdam was drawn up at eight hundred out you time there. I you knew one asker that word no didn't exist when mama's drinking and scientists sensors, really sad about you- know whatever. I am an end and dad and became more successful. As the my I went through my childhood and he was round As you know, he was always on a business trip, and out of private planes in your youth, not private plans, bad weather, were there definitely lot of plans for sure. And my sister disrupts had enough, but you know when I was twelve: she went to boarding school. Oh yes, the dynamic of the sort of like mama had drunk or the has he got bigger than family got smaller? He added was in their dad, wasn't there so so

I was a so who are near, and these are like mansions is that where you started doing crazy shit, I mean like really crazy shit didn't start until after I graduated high school, I went to highschool and the and the and the american school in london, england really yeah mm. Guess I should say the the really crazy shit started whining I said let go and let bears yeah. That was the thing I like. Who were you in high school? Was it because, like you were constantly moving around that you had to make an impact wherever you sorta ended up? You know and it's so sad because I got laotse always such desperate attention horn. I so was so desperate for the affection and approval of my peers- and I you know like this- one report card from sixth grade said Steve so on the affection and approval of his peers, but everything he does to to try to get that brings about the op.

as a result. Now it started like that. Isn't the story of my childhood that your resume I would just I would just try to not like whatever. There was a segment me me look at me and it would just turn everybody and out, as you know, in the star. I just didn't know where you are. That sort of like you, I eat this. oh yeah, you know yeah me I was out that was next level. I was like you know, aaron check it out and I would unscrew the cap off of the salt shaker and then just consume the whole thing, beginning just upsetting shit where nobody thought it was cool. You went one step beyond to where people were concerned and frightened that just not cool and so like. I would. I had a really awkward childhood and each time when I found out that we were going to move yeah, I was excited. I thought. Oh, this is great, because now I get a new shot at it. I get it now get to start over at this time. I'm gonna be cool well got a whole new shot this time, opening the cord kid. But then every

I went there. I was do not encourage the misery of everybody. Remember like any one moment I gotta side of child being an entire containers, saw my god willing to just terrified years classmates like when you said that there is one member it so well. I was ten years old in fifth grade in london. I went in my spanish class in one of my very last baby teeth into go. I was just looking when not dangling that I get like only barely only beginning to show signs of loosening up right, so wasn't ready to come out, and I knew that like info to violently rip it out before it's ready that it bleeds heavily walking to class knowing this and I sit down next to the prettiest girl in the class who I wouldn't under and like normally sit next to, and I and I told her as I sat down, I don't have to be in class today I can leave whenever

What yeah she looked at me like, I was crazy and then the class started- and I just ripped out this tooth and it started bleeding really heavily, and I raised my hand to the teacher and said you know hey I need to. the nurse and the teacher saw the blood and said go go and I stood up turned to the girl instead, as you know, the look of terror, today's le blood and, like all the girls and I'd say intelligent I've just said: down. There now went like a whatever distance.

I have been through the halls like that. It was like you know, you're that freak you were like if I was a fucked up troubling freak yeah yeah, there's no way anyone was going to like yeah right, yeah, right yeah, but somehow so how did you all like? I guess the times culturally sort of like came to your assistance, because it seems to me than when you were growing up. I imagined in highschool you're able to find that leads to a few Would you equally is crazy? Not as much leg is certainly the little like baseball They work for me, but then I would just way than ever now like shortstop as you can imagine, because there are no good. What do you do on the base bonding fucking someone. They hate you at the bower. There wasn't anything like that that, It was just started. When do I get added like when I get home, so I can go through rocks

someone like you, didn't inadequate, killer right right, he just killed yourself. You hear me there is definitely Let me out of this one really dark memory. The like I've written, but I think I was maybe legs. the seven or eight eight years old and widened I don't like walking home a living in miami and they were like all these older kids, I'm guessing. Maybe they were like twelve and they were standing around with a with a knife. Is just a knife like this show and like a buck knife and folding knife, and I and- and they had this like this- huge south lord bullfrog, like we captured in there all like sorted standing there. You know like like in another. reading as I walked by and I'd watch by never said a word. I just walked up and grabbed a knife. You know- and I just plunged it through this frog leg until it was like the handle, was in the ground like through the frog and I just turned and walked away.

not a word was ever said, so ga. I feel bad Yeah me I'd like to have my proud of that. I don't think it's cool you now and that nobody, you thought it was cool initiation but- as far as the thing about it is no one even pressured you to do. Oh, no there's no peer pressure. I do or do you like the sense I got was they were like that was what they were like tourists setting out to do, but nobody was willing to do it and here's this little tiny, kids giving them a yacht, but not a word was ever said. It's such a fucked up memory. I have yeah there's these moments, but they were always driven by peer pressure. You seem to just pressure us all right, but as a totally accurate observation, you know, like you are going to the trumpet yeah. We lucky didn't really hurt somebody right whenever a guy that beat anybody up ray, I never saw a man a mean either, but, like the weird thing is like these: we you know you're in extreme, but at what point were you able

you sort of accommodate the discomfort of all this fuckin insanity. Lighted the pain or the fuckin young I got as I recall, that get that little league baseball wars in which was never really that much then gave way they everything's always my identity, I remember like that. They, when it when I wore my literally base oh yeah farm, which was which is only for games they like when he had an official game, but I would always where they uniform like when I didn't I do not have a game rita. I got going to the movies friend you now and I'm showing up within my fuckin baseball uniform, because I mean I like that makes me feel, like I amount to more in that suit, like that, like I'm, a baseball player, the movies I like are like there is when I was just a fucking weird kid has nine years on this on this little league pop warner, football gia- and

treble national I've in our canadian citizenship, because my mom is born in Canada. I was born in england, some british and my dad is born america's I've met you it's still all three citizenship through three passports and they'll last a lifetime haha? Alright, you can only be resident in one, but you can be citizen of all three sprite so it was when I was nine that I had to go to the canadian, like whatever the passport out of office or the further to get my canadian mccain in citizenship card visa, and I felt the need to take. So in my poor, bad supra can provide for bad game they proposed to this day. I have important car like didn't, have a game that day here. If I did, I didn't need to be wearing shorts,

in the pageant my fucking game, jersey like in my fucking, you know, so you were able to track this now as a grown up who's done some work on himself you're you're just trying to to have an identity to fit in somewhere. I- and so then I and and like that uniform, like made me, made me sort of like worth more somehow. Because, like my myself worth, wasn't there so so that little exports gave way to the heavy metal, music and my uniform chain. And like them all at the gene jacket and Is that a little more acceptable and away at least you have a community you're, not just some kid the movies in pads. Rather right you, I didn't even have a community email addresses core dislike. Argue creepy devil worshipper. Really, so you re only one. Why mean like you? I gotta do pretty in July. I got into the heavy metal agnes like ten years and the fifth grade says great five, my first metal album was the number the beast maiden.

That time and that I was a member head and then not my first motley crew. Album when I was eleven taught me why I was a metal. I was twelve and my first slayer album taught me like how bad the situation really was. You know, but there's room bands like that is what that's, what has meant metallica that and then the heavy metal gave way to escape warning, and instead We have found like some comfort in right. Without that, then I had the community that you're talking about that seems to make sense yeah then the skateboarding like that, like once, did not like the current high school in england at the american scorn and then once I was ask skater skating. I wasn't serving the comfortable enough in myself be a skater on my own. So then I then then turned out on drugs. Well, they member to like I was like man, I'm not gonna, be a skater anymore So, what's my identity can be now, I could probably pretty good smokin pie

I would then start a ladder like any by operated to me. You're pressured rated reignite. I've went looking for sure, but where you get like, where you could you tat, we feel self getting off on the pain and adrenaline if shit these people that, like there are really man really. I would even classify myself as an adrenaline junkie, really not. Even later I mean not in like an hour, and I fucking hate roller coasters and like scared of roller coasters, yeah cause you're, not in control right now, you're jumping off a building. It's like you're making a decision, but some idiot running the thing and it seems like you, had a certain amount of trust with your pirate friends with strappy to shit, but but not just them, not some anonymous guy running a roller coaster. If it's knoxville, you're okay been riot right, journal and it's more like. May I once again, Video then, like the videos, can impress me

ball or whatever is still about the validation and the attention man. So when you strap into whatever you're bound to do or whatever decision you're making all your thinking is like your ego gets, ruined cottages can get there exactly couldn't sit. Couldn't I couldn't have chosen my words better myself. I just gotta get through it, gotta get through it and then it's going to be fucking, awesome ones that that's so weird, because if you read it that way because, like I said when I watch I've, seen you do stuff here and there before, and I've watched jackass movie and I've seen the second one, and I know you and then, when in the special there was all something that was a little uncomfortable with and it wasn't me anything you were doing it was. It was who you were, and I think that what it is, because I think I have a tube. I don't I don't admit it is. for approval like when I'm watching you do step, there's a there's, a humility! Do it because

you know you're not like crooked. I can deal you're sort of like right. Look at that where's. My love I AP made me uncomfortable because might get the right guy can't. How am I gonna help that guy yeah I dunno sort of Sort of bizarre you don't even even knoxville, there's like that's what makes it so kind of like as I just it's down like that yeah there's, no reason you guys should be so fucking likable, but you are because you're there after a certain point, even though in the one man show that you're you're you have out now, it was sort of like you kind of like it's not I feel bad for you, but almost yeah sure look at people going like. What's he doing? Why is he talking? Why is he talking about like they're, just they're, just amazed at the that

yeah. I guess it's courage to sort of like yo splay yourself open, because I think in in the in the one man show you the stories you tower are sort of vulnerable and kiev, tragic in and sad in some ways, I mean to say you're you're, no premature, ejaculating and a sex addict. That's horrifying yeah! It's like you can't, even when there are no, but but then, when you do the stunts that you do it is so it is like it's not even that you think you're going to die you're, just sort of like your well fucking wide open, you're, just on a fucking stage, you're twitching unconscious in front of people. Like you get up like a like god, he made his alright. I was together, led tickled with myself chairs to get showed completely unconscious, like about three minutes into my routine.

Really you just didn't you didn't. That was in pano! No, no! No! No! I chose but ahead of time. For that to happen like ads at the top, people would say it a job don't conscious and dropped on your head. Let that be it at the end of it. we can debate, and I like tat, but you these seem to me tat. You done that one time I got choked out six times in one day now It should be longer lower to wake up each time it got really ugly room and then just sire case six. That's enough. No brain damage, but that I am aware that again I worry about like that god, the city either this. actions that that cause may have hit my hautala and it didn't really occurred to me until recently, like oh wow, that, like the damage from hitting yourself in the head

it lays in way down the road. You might get ugly later ryan, like him. Ok now, but who knows what's waiting for you? I D, were you ever diagnosed with a concussion? I mean have you, I just know that I've hit myself in the head so hard that, like a blacked out, you know like like there's, but that's that's the handful of times. Did you remember waking up, though I mean well yeah. I remember coming to him like oh wow, just like I just didn't hit my head and I lost some time there. You know, like that's, like super, not part of the job yeah. That was what I notice like when, when he dropped you, when he choked you out, is a seem to know how to fall by ye dry. You you go down, but you're like you straight in the eye, was unconscious either there's no. Knowing anything at that point. I know you have only well. I guess you know there's a moment were, but that's it we're thing about users a moment where

if you somehow transcend our need to be concerned, because you just assume was Devo he's going to wake up like a cartoon character, yeah exactly and then in that fucking taser thing that was eroded. I couldn't have been more real and that was like really creole wrestling tricks No, that was that there was an there's no way to stop. That thing like taser, is a brand name, and I had only company that makes thirty seconds later, the thirty second he's area, which is the one I used is the civilian version. Then perhaps you get the kind that there were the cops in your hold it, and now they can keep administering five more incremental or increments of five seconds, but the the civilian version is just as much voltage just as much electricity same deal, but it's designed so that you can shoot your assailant and then drop it and run fear like arise. Only thirty seconds is designed to get out to give you thirty seconds turned to run, for your life can get away.

Well, the good thing about liking and talking about your shows, there's no spoilers, because even if you talk about his allies now I get can watch him get cases it actually makes you want to watch it more. Like and then- and I thought it was going to be like five seconds. I was terrified of that. That was your closer right right, yeah. It was like okay, so it's going to be thirty seconds, there's nothing! I can there's nothing that can be done to stop the fifty thousand votes continuing for a full. Thirty seconds, and then I remember like reaching out to knoxville mc hey dude, can help me get psyched with this. He said He said you had to think about how hilarious it'll be like, and you don't have to do anything said he's known as a joy to stand there. You know, and I knew it was going to be terrible, but that's what helped is that? Ok now it's just going to happen. That's his advice. Dude you just can be hilarious, isn't thinking about buddy who's going to be and then and then I was like okay, okay, I'm going to do it, and then I was like. Oh what thirty seconds like that, might get kind of boring. You know, and so I thought alright, then we're going to see how many questions I can answer. It'll be a thirty second q and a

and that was- and then I ask myself how many questions you think I'll be able to answer he's sent a photo of holding up as you did it. You got a few word. Tough quality didn't work done so others thrilled with it. Now that the whole thing and may imagine like our continue to evolve, to grow, to do whatever you now and maybe I'll look back on and think I you know that was. I believe that that point in my life but I just I am throbbed with which is funny because there's like you in this it's me thinking out, we are trying to sort of contractual. I share. Is that, like there's a vulnerability that that is unavoidable.

when you are literally being shocked with fifty thousand. But like you look, why has the other thing terrorism that there might should impact in preparing for I lived through you to objective area? Second, and And- and I watched like a lot of different people by god- get taste for thirty seconds and there is a notice right away said in of how people handled it. There was, like you know, people hand pretty well, here we could see there was fuckin awful near the handwriting pretty well and then all the way to people jazz,

it did not and on I thought I would be more on the like making noises, oh dude, shrieking and begging for his job and his leg. Didn't I didn't expect that I was going to look cool, not that I did it didn't look cool, but I have looked way more unquote. Well, that's a very big, very gary, like always wanted to be cool like diseases, or I turn that inside out and you're like knowing you look really uncool and almost everything that I do or understand. I'm trying to figure out like from as a little kid like where like me, it gets at a certain point. It kind of started working like what I wanted to to happen like a sort of started happening. Right where you are getting the attention like has acted. I gotcha expect some awesome adoration some approval. Weird women may have made a living yeah, but then it's like it gets to a point where it's like man, you know allows. I became so identified with this character of Steve owens.

And then I got a man when did things like when you know, closer. You you're a metal kin and he started drink in the eastern. Heavy metals escape warning for escape boarding ted's iran's is right there. Music involve. Then he was just fucking whenever I would lessen the review all. I indifferent genres of music for every little identity crisis. I ever had wires wireless, listen everything. So what would you one full on into drugs pretty quickly. exactly yeah like the first day, I tried pot like a and then ended, and the next day and the next day, the next day next day in a like it, was I hit the hit the ground really anyway. How far to go? How soon like what with couple months I was taking acid pre regularly as a guy mind blower I I and- and I enjoyed it

Others is any type of personality, I guess you're the kind of personality like a guy like me, I took ass it twice and it was like you know. I got tat guy. That's over here. but there are certain guys, like you sort of like you learned how to work within it. I imagine why I mean an antipathy to my farm like I, you know I knew better than to take ass. If I had some like I'll take ass, it on the way to school, sometimes like, but If I had been tripping like every day so then the the effective it is more manageable, but I knit but but but if it was, if I knew I was kind of like really be tripping hard, I would I take it at the beginning of the asked class of the day. I said that I just started trip as I was leaving school and like I refer like going and that new these women

one day you had a plan for taking acid during school, isn't disturbing, given that you're saying it like like like like most guys are like me, now mean if you're going to be tripping all week. Nobody, like you, I I remember like I remember it as one time one day I knew this this. This acid was going to kick my ass. You know and I was like an I'm walking into my last class of the day. Sat down next to like

hot chick, put it on my tongue and then turned to her and stuck my tongue out. So she could see it on my tongue right, like donald maker, then there's always that weird mistake where you realizing that in a moment, even if it's in retrospect that no one's living like yeah right, so it's the identical fucking thing they did with ripping out the dude when I walked in and stuck my tongue out, so she could see the hit of asthma in what world is someone going to go like yeah foggy? Hey? What do you do that yeah? I mean Think when I think in both cases, with the tooth and with the acid that I was clear that that that the girl wasn't gonna like round me. Want mayor. Love me right. His shows just like I can't have her sound, so

yeah, I'm not going to destroy myself. I don't think it was a fuck you, but it was just like yeah, I'm gnarly yeah. Have you you don't love me, but I'm yeah, you need to know yeah. I've got guts against again reality of courage, I'm a warrior, That's really where water, but it's so it's so interesting that you you know that, like when people talk about self loathing or low self esteem or say we don't manifest itself through our work, necessarily why, to a certain degree, I talk about it, but you're literally like destroying yourself in front of everybody. It's not why. I don't think it's what people think right away when you're you know you're letting of whale shark. You know eat shrimp out of your dick. You know and they're not saying like that. Guy doesn't like himself, but it's sort of where it comes from hot, I made it is, do there's issues

I can't I do you remember all the stones the first one I think I saw you do where I was like what the fuck was when he snorted all that was soggy, and that was pretty mild insurance as a stunt. It wasn't that big of a deal it played well, it definitely was received it tickled people. At that point I was like my nose was just get out get out. I, when used our doom blow, start doing blow regularly like when I was twenty. Two yeah, so did you finish high school? I did I'm finished Well, I I actually was a relatively decent student, so not inside and gotten the drugs in and once I start drinking and doing drugs all the time I had my grades took a nosedive, but I still stuck it out. I pulled it off and I got early

subject to the university in miami the site, the biggest party school in the world. Right I mean it's it. It's fair, academic score like an unfortunately situated in a place inside yeah my miami's right and- and so I didn't do very well, I I bailed out yeah, I mean I made it and I did all right my first semester of my second semester, not so much and I returned as a second year. Freshmen and jobs to my door. Murmured said: freshmen, wait a second your credit and then bells about- and then what you do, I went, I got an advantage. This kid we didn't, we drove out to california to try to work at a ski resort in squaw valley, and I was like I'm going to become a stunt. Man is going to be great. I wound up having the government test drugs on me for money and and intact, as is what are you talking about? I got into this medical study that can't drugs eyes caught racked over me and hydrochloric.

and you are trying to make it legal to give to pigs and cows, so that the pigs and calves would have less muscle, mass and started less fat and, more muscle, says leaner meat excel leaner meat traders are gonna. They were drawing it on humans to see what would happen if a human ate the meat correct in order for like they wanted to appeal to a more health, conscious consumer. But if the meat exists in the meat and then the people eat it and then buy it, and then it's entering the human body and because it interested human body they have to now test to see like how much humans can withstand you just wait. Why did you get in your degree money or your like? That sounds fine. I I, when I dropped out of college like I you know, I guess dad raised me with enough sort of pride and you know there's something that I just didn't. Have it in mid sentence and asked for like them to

for me, are nothing really and so yeah. So I was sort of figuring out and trying to figure out my own way and I needed money and what drug do I it made it and they kept giving it to us until somebody's resting heart rate was one hundred and fifty beats a minute, and so like it's pretty heavy like dudes were drenched in sweat and stuff now. I have a pretty strong, hard zounds, our gay and it paid two thousand bucks for twelve days. They will die. Nobody diner, died and then how does your heart rate go? Like barely crag, two hundred, I think on there times, lousy ass. I was I was and proving that drug did not it's actually ban. Thank you, it is not only not improve like anxiety, we're doing their work for all my it might have been used somewhere in the world by recently, like the googled it and Wikipedia is, has terrible things about it.

Another weird scar, you might end up paying for a few years down the line like yeah. You never know yeah. That might be waiting for me too, and what did you do after that that I I went? I found a bag. At the university recent miami living on everybody's floor, like I know that guy yeah totally that guy and then I roamed around following the grateful dead selling drugs and like real drugs, or were you like selling acid and stop already ripping off hippies were fake acid. I never ripped off anybody with gas pressure like I am if, if, if there's, if there's fake acid involved, like I didn't know that yeah great. So that's weird, so another identity shift now you're. Following the grateful dead. I got dad that, like I got into the grateful dead that was part of my drug identity. You know right you have to.

I did that for a couple of years, but not as hardcore again I I went to a few shows and I live with deadheads, but you you you got on the road. I figured it out now. You show up at the at the shower and you to like the the real deadhead and you get three hits of acid for five bucks, and then you sell each for five bucks, a piece and then you got fifteen bucks. Then you buy like an eight, the weed for fifteen bucks and we sell it. For, thirty an hour, then he buy legs, I'm sure every now and then and then buy once I had one hundred bucks, I was pretty happy and I would just skateboard and hacky sack never go into. I was never like your parking lot. Guy has never heard about that. Yeah and and one guy like those travelling with who would say by the end of the day would have liked, literally like hundreds or thousands of dollars. You know hundreds I was in the hundreds, yeah yeah yeah, not hundreds of thousands. He wouldn't have like just all this money and- and I remember just like sort of being like like oh you know- I just wasn't ever that at an hour for entrepreneurs-

large money driven. think I always was a cause. Even jaguars like came along boys are not frightened good business deals. We elect gateways goes either way you brought up with money, the? U only think about money or you don't really aghast you now, and I think that I was always pretty convinced that I was going to die. I pretty young that figure outline what any money from not not an unreasonably illogical and dry thought so the dead for a while and then what happens then. I wound up just is struggling being homeless, I got whatever and then and then you know ultimately, sort of ran into like had a used car and and at the point where, like I wanted to like get in the car and car

Monoxide myself to death, you're, suicidal I've. I've had like the idea that that would be like a rad thing to do. I don't know, however close I got to it it wouldn't I wouldn't have known. I guess if I was willing, when I really wanted to, I couldn't afford to fill the tank but I believe I was it in this place in the car got stolen and- and I was just like me I have a car to live out of, and I called my sister really despondent and and she didn't and I'm out, I'm moving in with her, and I then albuquerque new mexico. That's where I grew up on cool man. Yeah lived in albuquerque for like two years as you did from ninety six to ninety eight, but we did you go to the un em or anything I did I want to see. I want to take your name like that was my deal with with that with dad like dad, would cover my rent to live with my sister, but that's it as long as I got like a certain level of great

it's yeah and and And- and I you know I started like- I was so beaten down that point. I was willing to actually like go to class and- and isn't a lot of drugs. You took a breaker. That was where I actually knew. That was where I've started to blow. You know albuquerque yeah in albuquerque, yeah and and men. math I never really got into math, but I never turned it down and to a bit of a time comment right and right hand. By that point, I was on a really are light. Was was super, focused about one be a stunt man was going to school and like to get the grades in certain survive, but like I was focused on video taping and organizing, like woman extent, was going to be putting together a real yeah and I found out while I was living with my sister about ringling brothers and barnum and bailey clown college, and that was where, like I thought, man if I can get into there, if I can get into clown college and graduated from ringling brothers and barnum and bailey, then like people would take me more seriously

start man, really that's right that were based on what just arrived and I knew about to get rid of it. I got it if I was a trained circus professional. You know rather, would be the redness about that right. Like it like you're willing to do anything in you, but you're. Also, I had the willingness shifted to do whatever it was crazy, but that wasn't like there wasn't anything that seemingly professional about me right that if I was like me now, you ve just a tree. He can't write a trained circus, professional and he's crazy, like Klaus right then where's, ringing, brothers, conquer, isn't sir sort of florida. So did you go the full right over there. A graduated. But I wasn't one of the clowns got pig to be sir. How long is that school? A meme once you get into it? It's like a summer. It's our only it's more like bert camphor, the surgeon and would you learn learn how to work on still Winston churchill, Joseph, maybe use on a number of ways, learned

our cloudmaker did you are and had a clown a little bit little bed, not my guy. I wouldn't say that that might skills were exceptional in that area, but I went on to have a career as a circus. Clown and- and I think I did a reasonably good job yeah, but you would. There was no specific clowning class where you read climate, where we were dance clowning. I you know: skills acrobatics, like we had classes all day and trained fourteen hours a day really, and I was in it to win it. Man like when I got there, I sort of fell in love with the dream. Of course you know within the first week at clown college. They have to cart me off to the hospital, because I'm drunk me and my need to get my head stapled together, because of what I did after fourteen hours. training drunk, you know nothing funny right and said, so I didn't make a very good how'd. You manage your head open skateboarding. While I was drunk like you know, you didn't feel it

as I'm starting to think that, like a lot of the shit that looks like it would hurt other people, you just weren't, even registering no, I've never had like an exceptional thresholds repaint or anything like that. America, Japan, like anybody out there but reactors We get through its gaza digging I he, I know you didn't design your own face and everything to do all right, hot there, the first day of class cause they just hand you a makeup kit, and they give me no instruction like its and their dealers and here's the makeup. You learn how to use it and you need to do it everyday and you figure it out, and you did settle on a face of the same survey, thought I really like If you were to put on your cloudmaker everywhere every so often like that something will come up where, where I do not now that I've ever gone more than a year, do without I'll, put on your pay. I get kolocha for something or other, so weird you work as a professional.

I didn't get picked for the wrangling brothers and some went back to albuquerque sound part here. And ass Gary clowns Ellen part? You surprise me cloudmaker. I never saw advice in cloudmaker by sorting out of the room where the fancy clogged clown costume it's like this. I told this story in the show before, but one time I did a PA job. When I first moved to l a it was circus vargas and they were ha. They were out on on a lot and there were clowns. Two guys your cause reserves argus were there in after the shoot there. I go on combating the trailer, get high and I do mean this moment where I was like about to get how clouds and like you guys, get take off and make up, because I don't think I could handle the word, would clowns apple baker when an answer, and am I wound up working as planned, our rural, caribbean crews lines really, though, with a guy

If they didn't, we were only actually in clown makeup once a week but like otherwise, we were just called interactive performers and we would sort of take on different characters and and we're dishes and then warm up the crowd in the theater. Oh, yes, I prefer the all I did was perform. I was at it was great man. I've got six hundred and twenty five bucks a week, and you know one of the first times that they pay me in cash every two weeks. Yeah so I like it and mostly like one hundred dollar bills re and saw like you know, one of my first times I got paid, I I got my like clown, buddy filming me, while I'm steve one hundred dollar bills across my body, and I was like I'm. The thousand dollar man because I had never liked very leverage moving as my first time you have to stay here, they'll do as they I have this much money. I can make a video with the right things gimme that black southern video do a neck. I share that. I restart endeavours. That was your thing. I never put it down. A lot of things have been,

pulled out of body and out of your skin like staples darts and now if it stays in there. As I got a bb and my nipple stood for six years now, almost, why don't you get it out because fuck man's super cool again book a guy there, my burgling over ghoul again here we were something leverage it some fascinating and our language picture of women, because this is something we ve dumford jack S, three d, I really important immediate film and everybody knew that it would never get used. But I got it:

We got nipple piercing, yeah, we're going to shoot retry to shoot my nibble off with a bb gun or whatever just like that, which is just dark and gross, and the women did it and he shot it with at such an angle that it went into my nippon stayed in and that and of course, the footage didn't get used for anything. And but I but I had to destroy in my book and I put it in the photos section a picture of women a little before and after you could see the close up shot of the nipple, and I and- and I had said like other than the caption. If you see me, and and you're curious just like you, can feel it still and then you can feel it just as so. People will ask me every once in a while can can feel the bb, and I love it the decency a certain type of person is. Your fan

You know. I think that there are different levels of grand, but I think that at some level by got almost almost defies demographics, and I say that because, like everybody is, is fascinated on some level drive by an accident right out there. They wanted, sir, is slow down and check it out right and so like that some kind of like what has been our art, is to create accident on purpose, knowing that there are inherently fascinating debate. There's something primal about that and I think beyond that I think the leg you ve got that prime all courage to witness an accident, and then you ve got like us being a guess. There's something endearing about how we ve been

I like willing to to be splayed open. You know and said rights said: incidents are okay, with looking uncool and being vulnerable yeah, you know, and and and and the most extreme way possible right, so so that that the endearing plus the primal, I think, like creates a combination. That's almost where's that moment were knoxville wakes up after what's his name knocked him out, were always that guy's name the butter being bought it in word, knoxville fucking comes to any gus, has butterby believe that That's all right. There yeah that guy fucking lebron lever. My god. So why not like in the show you talk about getting over from drug addiction and and then after that, sex addiction to a fairly just. Having degree, what what? What

the events that led to you like, finally, really getting sober chemicals chemically earlier yeah me mean that was where knox I would ask flamed out pretty hard when I was termagant server end you just kept drinking, they all knew it know it's all part of the atmosphere, but at what price What happened? Where became a concern to I Johnny man like tat with just than did the drugs really sped up the process for me go yeah pressure, imagined thread my nose or the shoe lays nearer than the whole gone through, so that is a pretty big, halter and coke. Always a thing, and then I would get a good with ketamine in peacekeeping natures museum. Wait like that's where, because you'll do anything, we your body, naming what your brain begging with the same sort of thing I'm gonna get through it. I imagine that some of those drugs, because, like you,

this control, I think that's more specifically like like psychosis, was a regular thing for me out we're like on coke, like when I once I got and like my third dave, copy under and I'm inhaling nitrates like almost to the exclusion of air, I'm just trying to inhale nitrogen oxide and and beyond cocaine and an out good through these are so do I hear voices he and I have had that yeah yeah things I coca fuckin loved to mad, like people be walking around my apartment like they're there, and they got there ever thereby like, and I see them outlining what has see people walk into the walls and she surprise friends. Your invoices and all this and and you were entertained by it- I loved it man I fucking loved it like it was like frankly, like I miss that

now like a lot of people, think like, oh, you know like a drink, would be nice who are vegan to smoke. A joint like now, like I want to pile drugs into my body until there's a fucking room for people who don't exist, that's our union miss your friends and I, and and and behavior leg with this psychosis was just gag creeper in preparing and you ever think you're actually actively trying to fucking die. Now. I remember one point being this big swindling off his chair and sort of like a big pile of drugs in front of me, cook, natures and ever and that all like everything the tank. I guess I never did tank man, I would have like you weren't, committed huh. No, I was committed, but I just didn't know how to get a tank like no dentist,

and we got a tank in college from some guy. I knew worked for a gente. I was just it. I was happy enough to have like the the guy from the head shop, who was also like a customs agent or something, and I would get the there were twenty four cartridges per box and twenty five boxes per case where I saw my. I know, because I got to make his six hundred six hundred per hour per case right and scientists do case. Advocating I wouldn't be unusual of me to do six hundred of the if the contrary is in a day. Oh god, what a weird fucking addiction and the whole floor of my apartment was just saying nitrous canisters, just swabs, feminine and and- and I and as say, goes like this almost seems like a game to see like to fill up. Like the the land area for a while. I was still hot breath. Second, just only been ringing and hang on, hang crazy and am

sorry, that's the one thing I remember about nitrous is coming back into consciousness, like moran lama for share and it was killing. It was killing me- and I remember that some in this chair and I'm looking at all these drugs and I'm thinking to myself, I'm fucking dying, I'm dying like like I'm, I'm literally killing myself here and I thought, like I said the words x specifically at that I don't care if I die and lean forward like, it's just snorted like more as I thought I don't care if I die and I lean forward like physically. Like my experience, the the chair that I was in just spun around man like like this fucking like some is if there is a huge guy like that, like the almost like it turned into a mechanical bull style, its spun round, like yeah. Of course I mean this is attacked a hallucination, but it was still not maybe one of those guys. You are making was laid. You ve had enough for sure

absolutely absolutely and to this day, to this day, I like now that the march a moment where it was like, I don't care about diet, some fuckin lagging power grab. Has I had that? I know you love your legs. The message is so clear right when that chair spine, like thank again like it, is important that you right now and then think again like you, can you gotta you gotta not die, you gotta get the first time I I got sober within this. I kosis where I was here and voices, and I remember at out loud going like how far out can I go in a voice? I never heard like right. Next to my head said you ve gone far enough and I left the fuckin next day. Nag town of lived in l a over the first time is this, I was like I didn't do anything about it I mean that night. I remember I remember that night like there was this whole like intervention like I have like spirits and, like god, was in my apartment, it was as a dependent like on the next day, like my boys are like. We are, god was in my apartment last night man, I'm not gonna get,

no more drugs in maybe sober now, they're gonna cape horn, then lagging next. And like I'm there. I am at it again got a little rest to cry and like, but remember like when I got to rehab like when I finally was ready. Well, how do you doubt Did they do an intervention that already like they did? I was I got broadcasting my doubts spiral in virtual real time. Unlike youtube and myspace and emailing lag too people also lacks a very public man. As I got, you know like just email, blasting, knoxville and every like god, like the last people in the world, like I cringe to think of like who I was emailing, all this stuff too, and that's still alive sure sure yeah, but I'm graham grateful for that today because, like that's sort of the fire and the humiliation that that brought about is really wedding, what inspired the willingness yeah and did they

actually come over and get you a knoxville reach that DR drew is. I came and steve was going to die doctor drew of courses on the email list as well that dodger Jews that I agree. I agree your were about to lose them, and so so doctor jew, instructed knoxville to just get to get over and get me to get me into the psych ward got a duct tape. The charm and the charm could ever not a rehab at first, the literal side, fifty one fifty m, and so they showed up eight guys, try and at this point like did they I flamed out well now. I did, though, that the one thing they didn't film I had planned out so hard. I mean I got arrested for vandalism like my neighbors called the cops, time because, as certain strata control here and such like, reno started savages to just piss off the neighbour,

pounding on his wall, a pound of horse through the wall and answer that now the calves corridor rescuing for vandalism, because I'm now like yelling at the guy's through them, on the wall, I'm looking into more apartment, so color vast I mean, I'm off for dublin ketamine, I don't know. What's going on, I powder the hole in the wall, the cops show up there. We go beg you to jail and and stay when there was no shirt on no shares and and they know who you are yeah, they know they're like we've, got no choice where to take you to jail and it's can be fucking cold. So if you want to put on a shirt and some shoes before we take you we'll let you do that which an opportunity. I could have gone into my apartment. Take the big bag of fucking cocaine out of my pocket and maybe leave it in the apartment, but I'm like a ton of focus, sure, fuck shoes. Let's go with the cocaine that said get booked into jail with the fucking, economic and April or no. I wasn't that much by now, vienna, bang and

and say rescue me again and I was in jail for three days. My I get back from the kremlin from jail. And there's the eviction notice on the wall, get the fuck out and three days kind and and and and psycho on a crazy banned by the un. in time I got veneering. Are you? Are you charged Ok, so I totally charges cocaine, possession and within a couple hours, I'm fuckin, like all fucked up on ketamine jumping up now go my buddy filled with me. I'm jumping up and down on a part, cars drug body scanners screaming god is the sun and getting the egg. You know like I mean like within due, we're getting out of jail and then putting that out in the world. Yeah oh yeah posted in yeah. I actually had them posted. It was in the sideboard you know like I didn't want it and it was itself, are generally man end and so then- and now I get back to my apartment and I gotta be actually

Now. Let us remember that the next day prior bob before I clean item emailing my mass email, lest I gotta, be out of my apartment. so we got a hurry up and film. I gotta jump out of my fuckin bedroom window of the apartment building. And and I'm gonna need something the land on, because it's like twenty five feet to the sidewalk and some. Not so you guys car like bring me like, care by cardboard boxes, preferably a hot tub of its land and on the sidewalk, and I ride a motorcycle through the living room and out the sliding glass door and jump out onto the roof of the building next door, and these are my stunts and I want to make them happen, and I'm telling the guys like bring me something. Come on like db here ten a m

You know yeah and and and if you don't fucking, come like I'm going to fucking jump anyway. I don't give up find out how many bones get broken when I land on the sidewalk fuckin, I'm ready to die, which qualified me for the video on fifty, which I sent it. Two hundred people I'm promise I'm gonna job, I'm ready to die and an actual responded he wrote? What's with the really cold time. Hashish, I bring the camera as it is. I will be there and can we make it noon? Yeah ad and I was like okay noon noon. It is gore, and so what happened was I scheduled my own intervention showed up a lot of friends or do they showed up knoxville? It was a whole crew of jackass, like the the

to reject remain dmitri. Only ask forbids the director of photography, this camera guy rick, causing sound guy cordell, the executive, professor tripp taylor. Now young couple other just big deeds. Africa's down after cast no no the causes that for that now, but I but not so I might there and the rather is eight guys had ryan I do know that ryan died, and this was two thousand and eight. When I got sober and ryan died in two thousand and eleven, and yeah, and so there was just like doctor, drew really queer like if you got a time, but you gotta beat him up or just get him into the hospital and so the eggs and then sigma the hospital. Fifty one fifty I was pretty shows to have to tell you up or be your last year, yeah. That did not get me there, not me, but but what happened when I got to the hospital I thought I was going to just calmly explain that this was a misunderstanding.

I didn't realize they out my emails and saw my so there was no talk, my way out of it and in there I found out. I wasn't gonna talk my way out of it. Then they are- and I got my desktop lid like a fag ma. Am as long as you're now add like an episode of cops, you always wonder what drives a guy to go. Fuck, you yeah exactly. You know, you're done. I remember the moment when I went to go grab the chair, and maybe I got it up over my head to throw it just dudes at the hospital yeah at the hospital and dudes like this orderly guys. You know like appeared out of nowhere, just like with the swiftness and just grabbed me and slammed me down onto this fucking this bed. This stretch your bed thing and I and and someone jammed a needle into my butt cheek and

now- I just took a nap overt, just those thorazine or whatever it is. It is not your ass out and you will up when, when I woke up, I woke up and then now down I can't remember remember seeing these jobs on contemplation verbiage that, like made me a little more reasonable. But yeah. Once I woke up from the napa I didn't know, they didn't have to strap me down. However, I woke up, and, and now I'm like in psych ward, they change my status to from fifty one fifty, which is three days involuntary hold two, fifty two fifty which is two weeks- and I you know, I'm I'm just a fuckin mass man and I'm in there and eight, and they had me like for for a little over a week and and finally I was like okay now it's time and he went to rehab, then I went to rehab and he states over since staying sober. Ever since that's fucking, amazing, and then

and what are we doing in the sideboard? They were evaluating you and erie. I was just like fuck am I, when I went to like my home group, and I was like I said, I shared openly lie all the work, I'm putting into my steps I feel like all I'm getting out of. It is just self hatred, and I hate myself like interesting, and I just I just hate my like everything I'm looking at in my stamp work just makes me hate my life and and And- and I just like that, I was just found, suicidal man just like I hate myself so much so my home groups at licensing. I spit on Saturday? It is at the end of the meetings. Walked me across the grounds to the psych ward to the site guardia, and I was I was in that second psych ward, like for like three weeks at one point mike tyson came through

Rarely to visit, you are just me. Yeah yeah was like my last day was like his second day. Did just talk to yeah totally. I was talking to him. I was trying. I was begging him to film a stun with me when we got out I'm like MIKE. I'm not asking you to punch me Jazz came to hold your first out and keep still with your elbow locked and let me run in With my face yeah, what do you do what he says? I don't want her to see yeah yeah. We wound up doing that at the charlie sheen roast a few years. Did you do it yeah? I broke my nose on his face, which was great because bam had broken my nose on the jackass three d and I let it heal fucked up. I went to a nosedive after two months and he said I'd love to help you, but it's already healed this way. So now, if you want me to fix it, I gotta re break it with a chisel and as

environment at much higher than a dove into my thyssen's pheasant, Charlie sheen rose super broke and then Kung fu instructors comes out of the crowd and vaccines, as do did needs to be said straight now. I'm like a game. I can fix it. Things work, yeah, stay, sober, yeah, reassure sure, so an end. I like this is that this obsession that no matter where you are, what you're doing or how fucked up you are that the obsession is always. I gotta get this on camera like that was what was driving you. This document after that second psych word that was sort of the point lately wound. From when I got legacy and when I was in the first sank when I went to rehab like I was almost like that, like looking at Yes, sir, is about sobriety, but I was like man I am going to get sober and then lag. I'm gonna get leg, respect Do you know like those of the world's gross about me? I'm gonna do a lot of good right,

as catholic as getting sober for what I could get out of it right and by the time I'd like you know, the the steps beat me down yeah and then I was like and then and then it was like got real and it was like okay and I remember being in the libraries I felt weird even talking about like like the book and so but I'm reading in the book. In the second psych ward, I, like it's in the the family afterwards about how like the the the the the pasts of every alcoholic has, you know there's spectres of. Have you no shame humiliation and all of this all of this worst shit we ever did like that, comes to be useful, you know, and it becomes it becomes not only an asset to us by, but really like the the greatest asset that we have right. I remember reading that and thinking okay so like so that the surgeon inserts

like I mean to hate myself and judge myself, I'm not like now urges, namely that they lay the ditch been becomes my ass everything I mean it. S already share your experience right everything that made me hate myself became and like alia said that like like I, I just don't want to be that way anymore and right now, I'm not going to know I'm not going to work a program of sobriety for what I can get out of it right now, I'm going to work program sobriety to fundamentally change the person. I am so that I don't. That's right. You have started so my motivation became sort of correct framing it like you're right training. I was rain. I was in it for the right reason: yeah, it's great that's a great moment, and once I got out of that second psych ward, I went back into rehab and and I've just put down the camera and put down all everything- and I was just focused on in serbia in asia and then after then, when I was at six months at an end like you said that it took a long time

Why can you not lay out, after sir out the fucking ghosts and gobble right after six months? I left that we have moved into a server that I got half way out here and I am ever going to this to speak at the salvation army at like six months and then like and then like some time like legged live way after that zadig meetings of the council too. I was there when you, am to speak at the the salvation army man. We were worried about yeah, I can say thank you Mary. We were worried about. I was that target about like reincarnation and spirits and ghosts and goblins and, like ass by stayed, I stayed and sober living. You know, like the halfway house until I had two years is right. So, while we grew locked in

man, I did you find that the them did you get diagnosed with any other mental issue. Yet I got them by poor diagnosis and I got a bunch of meds with it I also think that the pollination fucking chemicals in any way that today's much drugs and the kinds of drugs I was doing here would be bible, or two is kind of what I am sure. So you waited it out yeah. I don't have any of that. Like segmented deal now it's great depression or now, any kind of level that that I add that I used to write and and I also think that our experience, depression armenia without leg and events wrote and tied to rise. an hour. So, as you like, I will react like real right, really heavily and unreasonably like it like. My life is not ok,

you know over a little stuff sure, but there's always the sexiest fucking being at it sure, there's always something to motivate like whatever right you can track it right, that's good and when did you or when did you wrangle with the sex addiction cause you talk about that? How many years into sobriety did that start to happen? Well, I mean shit like. I think this is the sex that acting out sexually was was always there and, where, like it, got pretty fucking dark man, I beg of you, when you talk about the special three it is it. Funny way, but it's pretty dark. It's it's dark and it's also nothing compared to right now, right like dad's, not like that. It's not even that big of a fucking deal like what I remember like I did this. The sex got super out of control because once I started doing leg stand on the road yeah you know, and after every shower, I'm taking photos with the whole crowd and

I even saw emerge just like it was basically auditions. He was going to suck my wiener that night and so like it was, and I would keep coming back like from my from my leg and gigs. You know like you, leave on a on a wednesday comeback on a sunday or monday, and it's just like. I had talked to my sponsor I'd, be like did in our league. I didn't think I'd really like feel shitty about myself or like me, and I likened that hooking up with all these cigs and I don't want to do it and keep doing it. Yeah, and I couldn't stop man and good god. That's a sort of like weird sexual, rising, wanting love and shed and just go in and get beyond that can at Andrews. I well, I just wanna just why like lay, I went off and then, as soon as you do, then all of a sudden like incomes. This call darker than the other shame on the ear because they leave and you feel like you treated them badly and right because he realized. Why get some level yet that some and resolve thing where your kind of white compelled towards the shame like us

You know that only is there an aim like you right here in Saigon. I was writing about it too. I was reading about the cycle of my preoccupation of like you know the ritual ization light light acting out and shame, and it just provides pizza that gets worse and worse and man. It was so gnarly, and at that point I wound up. I was already seeing the sex therapist. You know, and- and I was like I just dove in fully- and I went like into a full like an outpatient and intensive outpatient program on sects. Added really yeah like it was a two week, outpatient program like just all day every day for like for two weeks and and then when I, after that, when I love to have them, then I started bringing my buddy on the road to be like the cock block, know right and I went full celebrated man

If I didn't, I didn't even jack off, I did not blow load period for a year and three months holy shit. That and and then I tried to- and then I got into a relationship now is a disaster. I just didn't work and then feel now borne world for a year and three months, I'm just I don't know moderation, you now so as genocide, raw thousands, my next thing to leg, and so it was just sites, do help your brain. I have never had a fuckin wet dream because, like in the dream where like like, I was, I remember a bunch of dreams where I'm about to blow a load. But then I'm like, oh and I can't In my time yeah I care lose my sexual sobriety, my dream and so like so whatever like at this point. It's like I've known I've, known liked and being promiscuous, and it doesn't work for me. I've, I've, I've, I've been completely celibate like that's, just sexual anorexia doesn't work, and I and I've tried to be in relationships, and I just haven't been successful

they're, so that's a good thing and I mean, but are you hope, with you just sort of lichen and are now approaching the road and high, not destiny, I'm not hopeless it man I got. I just think that I just gotta keep them keep work. I myself and try to figure out leg. I get how how I think to insert a pic the relationships better be now. I think there is a relationship for me that will work. I just haven't picked a successful career and I think that, like the rigidity of I just need to find some kind of balance and do you have a spiritual life for sure man like I got into tm and that's been that's been cool, been kind of on it, a lot lately, but reality either Twa stab shit, meditation loan, you do it. I do man and you and your vague and now to end if you're standing up for the animals climbing up on shit and get into

Why are you using your your your skill set for good or actual for an actual reason other than just why I can't fucking believe I did that yeah coming years will kind of ukraine and climbed. I'm pray. Man, yes as I had done. That was like I'm trying to protest, see where it all started, go to a fucking, random construction site, nowhere near seaworld, I fucking climb this hundred and fifty foot crane with an inflatable toy whale. you know I, which is way too high up in the air, for anybody see the fucking way you still got little year, older general behavior, that all behaviors are damaged steve. I was on a crane with a whale right and and like I, you know, people can see and I got maybe he's going to jump whatever and I'm in the middle of hollywood and star like by the time I get the fucking whale inflated. There's eighty firefighters, eighteen cops and a helicopter and a swat team. You know and I'm

like a reasonable person like all this is going too far better, like a guy like I'm, not I'm fuckin and played my way. I and an blown blowing on my fireworks. I said, set our blue eyed tapes the artillery shells, which are the thing that you drop into the tube and then it shoots up into the sky and then makes the display, but I taped them to the crane itself and let them like arm's distance for me said the united got no rope. Albany Now how big idea I did. I do, god, one is far from clear how you did it he had just blown up sunken fires, while the helicopters circling like this immediately around me like What you got you get arrested, I got arrested on charges, five charges against inciting not inside and creating a false emergency.

aggravated trespassing, and then three fireworks related charge. And were that edna now why? God sends to thirty days in jail. I'd turn myself in, I was released in eight hours They have like this, like this weird quadrant of ST I'm not supposed to go if I've gonna go. I have to have permission riches. I got in, they began a relationship with that crane that let him get near that thing games or whatever it is. There's there's like a little area where permission. If I'm going to go there, and- and I have I like eighty hours of community service, which will be good for you. I was able to achieve It was like I I asked: can I do with the humane society and Simon? I did twenty five hours this past week, man yeah doing what specifically

fuck I've done it man, I was feeling rate rabies syringes with rabies, vaccinations nightgown I've done cat trapping like outrage garner on east outlay, offering freed span neutered services and and vaccines. I agree with that. Man divorced you into service. Clear exactly, which is requirement and eight hours I got a gun lagoon taken, animals to the child has been at the shelters, I adopted. Two cats are in the process: yeah yeah yeah go for a shelter I went to. I adopted a cat and then the second, the other ones adopted a cat and two I got two rescue dogs to rescue cats. Oh that's. Sweet what good man it was young glad you're alive. Pretty good, I've been pretty pretty decency I've, been on this kind of good things in the special, the specialist

in its very fucking crazy. It's very because, like you know, like I'm, come into my own baggage about stand up and in what you know, but the thing is its way really a show about you and it's handled with you know with humor and humility. The other little but a stance which you're good at it seems. Like you know, I, like, I see it like Pardon me that I just thinking about you, like it been really no reason why you can actually put together a show that would were rival a magic show you just driven degree. Anatomy like like a vegas show, don't you think you did bigger stance. It would be bad aids difficulties you're out like woodson repeatable yeah die right that the higher impact stuff is one off repeat.

Don't die. Buddy did like super honour man. Thank you so much. I think you it's real big deal to do man, thank always gray. I appreciate that's it that's our show. I really was surprised excited at the outset cavalry and, as you know, and as you know this his disposition around it. I liked him. You know, I didn't know how that would go. So what seeing gotta deputy ipod dotcom, see the new thing and get tickets to my trip anyhow show in may and june, small shows here in our life and do whatever you do over there check out the new site, though I am sorry, I'm a little heavy hearted promo heavy hard to tell what are you going to do. Then I guess I'm lay a little later. This is sort of a red light. Then that's on outstanding amount and I've done it before, but death that rivulets well. Let's play

out in the hague just want to say in a patent. Might my heart out here and I'm terribly sorry for lawson, dumb. While lot people love you. Hmm in in and in the and

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