« WTF with Marc Maron Podcast

Episode 875 - WTF Shows of Christmas Past

2017-12-24 | 🔗
For Christmas Day, Marc presents a look back at some holiday moments from the earliest years of WTF. First, hear Todd Glass and Marc talk about the perils of going home for the holidays. Then some highlights from the 2009 live WTF Christmas show with Sarah Silverman, Paul F. Tompkins, Jerry Minor, Eddie Pepitone and Jim Earl. Finally, a beautiful story of hope and humanity from the late Mike DeStefano, recorded around the holidays in 2010.

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Like the guy. All right. Let's do this merry christmas, what the fuckers, what the fuck bodies, what the fuck next what's happening! It's what the fuck miss May I hope I hope, hope you, Chris is going well good morning. Good christmas morning to you. I hope you got everything you wanted. I hope that the first We situation is okay. I hope that was exciting presence are exciting. I hope that the food good. I hope that you I'll, be ok! hope you having a good day, merry merry holidays to everybody of all kinds, but today specifically christmas morning, this show happened to fall on christmas morning. and I just hope it's it's all bearable. I hope you you're right I hope, you're in the christmas spirit. how's there's no yelling and screaming and crying or
or the need to run into the woods in the snow? Hope there's? No! snow shoeing they get away, no cross. country skiing to get out to get out I hope I hope there's none of that. So today, what we're going to do. Is that some bits from the show these. From shows. We did around christmas in the first two years of doing the pie cast we're going way back first, you will hear me and todd glass from episode. Thirty, two in two thousand and nine talking dealing with going home for the holidays, then we've got from a live deputy of christmas show at the u c, b theatre in los angeles, featuring Sarah silverman policy, tomkins, jerry minor eddie, pepper tone and Jim Earl. That was episode, thirty three and finally, beautiful story from the a great mike Destefano, who I talk to in florida when I was there visiting my mom for the holidays. This was
two thousand and ten on episode. One hundred and thirty, and it's one of the best things that's ever been on the show, it was. It was a pretty stunning story, so joy? They won over thanks, giving I I didn't go home. I went home thanks thanksgiving, but when you said that it made me think of last thanksgiving and also this crew reacted like it was just here, come here, because it is because I'm dealing with it going home for christmas. It's very. I am again like for my it's just such everything is a it's a pig production and it's a guy get you get that hurry up and I live my life like the opposite. I get ready for christmas, I'm not kidding you too. To me, I'm like may
in my mom's watching me and I want to say, see how easy was that and here's what I have. I have a box of stuff and it's in the garage two boxes of christmas. It's in a tiny, even a green and red box. You buy at home depot. So I know there's christmas gear. I pull it out, I'm walking into the house and I put it on the sofa. Then I have a little bit of coffee. Then I start pulling things out of the box. That goes up there. All I know ten minutes later, all the christmas stuff is out and then the other boxes stuffer the tree right and that gets neatly put near the door or maybe two days later I buy a tree. The stands already on, it fear coming in the house, I put it up and- and I just slowly, you know three or four here I have some friends over everyone put up to two things in my tree yeah and that's done yeah and that's it yeah what are you, what were you doing? I did it. What are you doing and I try to teach you if you do
Oh I gotta get the tree and I got the lights and I threw the medical mom. What happened to all the decorations? She goes. I threw them out. Last year there were two: they were old, go c'mon, that's what's cool about decorations, but I gotta cheesy the thing. I got to cook this. I go, don't talk, stop and I should try to trying to get enjoy your life. My brother said you know he had just maybe let her do or stuffy the minute you get her as calm as she needs to be. She might pass away. Like. Maybe that's what keeps her going. She acts like a thirty year old, so maybe I should just let her do. It is what keeps people going I've seen in comedy a lot you're like? Oh, my god, is he that guy still doing it? What else is he going to do like him in someone, gave me a million dollars. I'd be like great I'm done That's a good! You just said that is for what we do. You know wheat was, if you love what you do, that doesn't change it drastically. Just do what you can do. So if someone gave you five million dollars right now. Yes, you know exactly what you would do. I do I do what what okay I I'd make a decision right away to either like redo, like you, don't get my deck done
yeah, but you have been the business. What about your? You would not you'd still do stand upon you I would do so but I would really reassess you know because the way I'm looking at it now I come just starting to peace of mind in my life, I'm just getting over a lot of demons, I'm actually starting to feel comfortable with myself and enjoy certain things. I would probably have to make a list of like what like the ten things that I would really enjoy doing, whether they be travel. How could I enjoy myself? Those were come first before, like you know, put that in the bank and I'm going to go down to the you see be yet. You know like that there's, an out there's an outside chance that it gave me a lot of money and I had a date both the giggles and seattle, be like you know what an cancel in that he you know, but yeah, in our business, the money comes with a certain amount of recognition, so you telling me that get five million dollars and like one hundred thousand new fans that love me or am I just getting the five million dollars? Will the Will you I always look at it this? Whether definitely be it's funny. You go right, you're deck is that I think real
but I go right to the area and I would ask for my one effect is a dangerous out there. It is not they like. I'm, not a materialistic guy, don't buy shit. I don't I don't spend money, but I think what I would probably do is, I think, a bunch of places that really a visit you know, and you never thought like, as I always think that too and then I think, if you I really believe that you're funny you take some of that money and you produce your own h, b, o special or comedy central special and you submit it to them, interfere and, if you're, if you're, if you know the odds, are that if it's done right- and it is funny that you get It- you get a chance to go see, I did it myself, they loved it or do something like that where you would take out a. I would think about like if you took out a campaign and put billboards over the city, but you had, but you had put on that am, but but you have my picture and hey. I got money on h b tonight, I don't know like if you were in a city and you had the mutton and now it's different you're not, and most people have money for billboards or people that don't have anything to do with their talent like who was that famous woman in l, a that had
build we're. Ok. So why are you asking me seventy different now, so I, like I, loved you and spot gas, because no one can tell me what to do it just mean Brendan. Do we want to do it with free? of mind I talk to you, I want to talk to no one can take it away from us, and I like that feeling, so If I had money to afford, you may maybe getting yes, two to work for me in a way of keeping the order, like you, have perhaps have a publicist and then set up a bunch of dates that you know I could you to rent a room and then publicize my own dates and stuff. I would do that I would also shoot. I would love to shoot a special, but like in my mind, like a lot of times, you do things and they're done and still it's the same amount of people's going to come, no matter what you do you know me. I've been around long enough to know that, like I have fans there's not of them, but they're loyal and I like them- and they understand me so if I could give them something you have that that they could come to go I don't get on the road much because you know for some reason, I'm on bookable in certain markets.
I, like certain clubs, you, like I dunno marron, is as polarizing. Isn't you know like whatever, but but I'd like to perform for the people who have never seen me? so I'd. I figure that out. You know, you know what I realized from sort of just reacting to the tail into what you said. As far as like eunice, the shooting, really good comedians, and then you know they don't get used at some of the impromptu funny. Bones is five, sometimes three to six hundred seat. May I just saw something that reminded me of when I first started comedy I was in Bloomington Indiana. I want to do that room and you don't realize I was realised that you first of all, they would love you to do that room, and I realized that They don't have the the overhead and all this stuff that makes it hard to bring in a comedian that may be as a great comedian respected. There was one hundred and sixty seat room at the back
I'll give me a little room so much better are eighty to one hundred and forty seats, it's great. What a great every night I was like it was just like being was like it was just that it was all great. I would just go on stage. I started doing this. A diverse. I used to look at it and think. Oh now, I see ever sit on stage ever yeah. It's me you're talking to MARC marron, you said you saw I I used to I used to sit for the wrong reason, but now like I when I was at the laughing skull. I sat for the entire show, because a lot of guys sitters and I like sitting, but what I, when I used to sit, was like the moment where it's like? Oh my god, I'm not getting them. So so in order to counteract lb panic, it'd panic like I'm failing, I'm going to sit I'm just sort of like I like to see how much I can do from the chair, because, like I'm a guy that
when I started. There was a lot of bravado, so I do a lot of the pacing that'd be over here now be over here and I you know I was big and I was up in their face and now, like I'm sort of liking. What can I do just from the chair? Will, if you think about it and again it's with everything, who would have his right for you, I'm yet among the lobbying that everybody should sit, but if you were talking to tube, just east is a just as a conversation concept. If you and two people were standing and you bumped into somebody and, and you were talking and you and you decided hey, you know what I got you have any tactical. Eventually, you would sit down right, you're, not going to somebody why my standing one night I said in the still adduced in sometimes, but when I sit I go, I can country more- and I think that's why even is to human beings just out somewhere an eventual if you're talking in ten minutes, because by go hey, you wanna gravity. What what? What because google we're talking, we should sit rock and wound centred on talking, not walking and standing in the attic. Now, as I think that I'm so pen I went well, you could take a walk.
In talk sure you can take a walk and talk, and certainly when you're making a presentation in front of people, it's probably better to stand and stand up comic, I'm going to go back to standing or a tide. You want to stand up now what if we were both the leader, let's sit down, was you who should sue the? I were going to sit down if you don't mind and they have a real conversation. Laughter awesome thanks for covering this is the this is going to be the christmas show. So let's pretend like it's christmas shower. Let's take a minute hmm, talk to the people that are listening to this this this it shows going to go up on the twenty fourth, so today, day before christmas, its assume, their people may be travelling home right there on the plane, by themselves, freak out because they have fucking family to deal with their go,
Add to a home. That's uncomfortable filled with abuse in pain, so I just talked to them. Are right? Keep it together. Don't let them in keep them out they're the ones that wired you they can get into the box. Keep them out of the box. I don't usually People do lie, but this is a good time to start lie. Pretend Everything is okay, I'm sure your mom will see through it, but fuck her. Write it out, Then you have things going on that you don't don't let them see the insecurity in dollars. Your father hit you, I just hold on keep The ship stay steady and good luck. Merry christmas. So I just want to do that for the listener I have to reach out to all people. Is everyone having a pretty good holiday season? The ok. Do you give okay Luxury suite do you
I'm a jew is, is that over yet are we doing with that? What's that? Oh shit, I've got one more day to light my sad manure at home with my cats, which I have not and up to this point, because I refused to do it alone, because my he's really julie. He wants last year he's like dude. You know you're sad you're alone. I think it's a good time. light the menorah mike. How is that not the fucking opposite of that You want me to sit there with my cat in a I'm in my kitchen lighting a menorah by myself. Somehow this is good for you. Do it that much when I was married either because my wife was jewish and was quite the opposite of jewish. She was like Lauren. in german, and. And by the way who the fuck Still the work will set you free thing off the gates of actual today. Does you hear about that? Some?
I fucking stole the. I didn't want to try and say it in german cause. I don't know german, but the thing that translate words has set you free ride over the gate of auschwitz was stolen last night, how what the fuck When is going to get going to get a very unique christmas present. I'm skinhead is going to be thrilled? Oh, my god, baby. This is better than the skin lampshade from last year. Maybe it'll show up like over the at the home depot parking lot on sunset. Preclude the words Go with this I river high river last year, when I was married and my wife has the same cuz whenever your junior married to a non jew and I'm not julia letting you know that, but tell me you accuse me of talking about it too much That means of even less joy, because when you talk about a lot, that means you are you fucking bother with candles or any other bullshit. So my for the time she goes look I think you should light the candles and I'm I
I'm not doing that I mean no. She does not want to deny that I'm like I'm fucking done in near she goes. I want you to your candles, so I fell for it am I a so as the first night of hanukkah, I'm standing there in my kitchen, Michael my on my little candle, like the other one, like you do their next to my non jewish wife and seeing the prairie brook autonomy and I it'll go What the fuck is that? What is that? after that, she's like no. I just think it's wonderful, I'm like no. You can't say that suppressing laughter just some really touch you're, doing no you're, not you're sitting there?
thinking. Look at this silly jew man with a silly jew, had singing his shelley juice song, so that's over, but you know that All I want for for tonic. I don't get any presents. You know why cuz I don't give any. I got three christmas, It's not complaining. It's fine, except one of them, is from someone. I don't know, and this is the second year I've gotten one from her Here it is happening here, but she writes your name. Jana are you here, I get a card the second year the row janice sent me a card. The address is somewhere out by the l, a x airport. I have no fucking idea who she is, and I dunno. If I want to pursue it, maybe that's part of the game yeah. I don't want to get. Was an I want, wanna cleaver, I want to cleaver for christmas. I want a large cleaver like a big I've gotten into the cocoanut water.
Because they say it's really good for you and it tastes so good, but we're drank it right out of a fucking coconut like an a thai restaurant, that's the best and I bought a couple of those coconuts. brought them home and I had them open and it didn't work out so well, but I think if I had a cleaver, I could do it very precisely, and then, on top of that, I realise that if I could do that with some confidence every morning with a whole coconut. That means every day I wake up or feel like. I just on an island, great way to start they just hack, go open up a coconut just That's the big idea, to get the show going. My first guess I applaud merry christmas crafts. My first guess you may know from a d located on adult swim. He just shot his second season that he was in the beer league,
authority. You a lang and he's also was a story I wanted to stars on lucky louie. Please welcome jerry minor to this day to hello, jerry hello. How are you fine guy thing, do you want to cross swords okay, we just rub tips and now you have a microphone, so you want a cookie and the guys made them pv. It should be diverted me. These are what you gave me for christmas, who doesn't have hpv, show ants exactly. is it but but but a woman is like sixty years old. Has a eighty percent chance to have. It is a great opening thing, thanks for bringing it up? You know what I mean cuz when I say like what are we going to start with where we going to go muslim? at durham, two varying cancer from hpv infection by age. Sixty merry christmas. Merry christmas, hey don't do none!
good brunch. Wait till they and go in fact the ladies that what you're saying cherry. Let's talk about nothing else. about christmas. Merry christmas. Did you merry christmas. When you were a kid jerry. No, I did not. I grew up of one of Jehovah's witnesses, one hmm, are you serious, so they do not celebrate cause. I was wondering holidays. I was running that today because my the guy who is across the street from me, terry he's a Jehovah's witness and I knew is Jehovah's witness like I did that thing where I'm like: hey, happy, holidays and he's like how are you and I'm like? Oh I fucking yeah. They don't do that now in some heathen across the street, who doesn't really have a holiday of his own that he likes, and yet I've insulted him so well What did they do when we wouldn't? You are brought up in this, yet they don't celebrate anyhow days, no birthdays, no christmas. I think the only still celebre
nation that they claim to have is the memorial for christ's death, which would basically be good friday to everybody. The only holiday they celebrate is that the day signifying the Christ was killed. Yes, that's the opposite of christmas. was that they want the whole other direction with you know are based. we think that was the idea. I think that it started out with like how can we gotta opposite christmas? It wasn't like real logical and all the cock would be the opposite. There sit around and die in not give gifts. That's what take things away from the kids. Basically, I will celebrate the day. Christ died and will steal the kids bikes I was told to stories when I was growing up about. Birthdays is basically you're celebrating Christ birthday them on christmas. Now,
first of all, they got and have a whole explanation that in its true that christmas, it wasn't the day the christ was born. whose born, probably around october or november, if even existed May I have certain things like they're like will? How could the you know that ports were out and then when they saw the star, how could that be in the winners in the book and middle EAST like I know that you that a six years old There's no snow on the ground, dumb ass, cares tick sheep out in the winter who gives a fuck. Those are big situation like oh yeah right the winner, No I would say is that the only the only stories in the bible that talk about a birthday were bad stories, It was when Joseph there was getting the din and technical her drink out when they were the code dakota stabbed up in bloody right
Story was when you I remember when he was about to get executed. That was at the faroes birthday party right, ok, so they were like this It is a bad because of that and the only other birthday party talked about was when John the baptist got his head cut off I that was at Herod's birthday So birthdays are bad because they found the three incidents or two incidences in the in the fucking bible, where it's like well birthdays when you're going to get your pretty clothes are covered in fake blood and your brother is going to be told that you're dead and and the other one. What was the other one? King Herod, or bad look out, because your head cut off right, but you tell kids, I mean what else you can tell them scare the fuck out of them. No, I think that's perfect. Oh no, I mean I I was I I had. I remember seen in books the pictures of the great day of armageddon and children like this, like children in the It is time if you're a kid when you don't
whatever, if you don't repent, I thought it was bad It is far worse than the capacities and caught in English there's no clue dick, weird wizards, strange smoking, orbs being swung about In plain english, birthdays are bad. You lose your fucking head christmas, it's bullshit, let's celebrate him getting strung up, yes is there a hell in this fucking fantasy? They do not believe in a eternal hellfire now, so what happens. If you don't get into Jehovah land or whatever you die forever. No hope of any kind of afterlife It seems reasonable, That's the one reasonable part of their release. Well, most witnesses have one reasonable thing. I like that when either you go to Heaven or nothing, and why We go to Heaven, there's only one hundred and forty four thousand people to get to go to Heaven so haven't filled up well,
the thing is that they their their prediction? if the and their predictions heaven happening since nineteen fourteen was a religion that starred in the great awakening fourteen yet of watches ones that are created after night time? I've ever heard there always What a flake exactly so their idea is that you know that was the beginning of the end of times in that getting is right around the corner, but you have to tell people that you can get money and keep people coming to church right, it's always right around the corner: nineteen, Fourteen was supposed to and wear two thousand and nine now, so it's like you're too basic. We're buying that story still buying it like one hundred years Jesus Christ around the corner. I always wondered that that is crisis it's a definition of an amazing salesmen when it, when you have an apocalyptic preacher, who literally tells a a congregation of frightened people, the world will end on January dance in a fire. A ball of snakes in horrible things.
And then January eleventh comes is sort of like well. You know It happened this time, but we're going to rethink it We think what we're going to do. Next, I haven't the people. They tell people to go underground and bunkers. Remember that woman. What does she the day after that didn't fucking happen. Let's start a mushroom farm God told me to start a mushroom farm, it's business time for the Jesus people, always love. That too was like. God is directly communicating with their heads of disorganization. All we didn't hear him right yeah. A god now, but he was eating here- is the law the cell phone line was fucked up. Cookie is his mouth gardener. The anti god map is all fucked yeah.
He's like my mother, saying I don't understand the iphone. Well, he's really old, so yeah that happened, got guts, doesn't make sense. Ers constantly blinking dwell on it attempted to commandments what a walk that Jesus. Can you help me with this? what is it now won't work I wanted to, take the basketball game in June dad you're, so I'm the oldest? I know that you're, the old is. Can I go hang out with people now? they'll, kill you why you always got to fuck up my hi. Dad people are nice. They love me. what you dad I'm going anyway, cut too
Jehovah's witnesses celebrating the catholic, very reminder, folks, let's bring out ball of tompkins move it on down, let's bring the at this next performer. You know from the the the best week ever and you he's also got a a show at largo tomorrow night that is almost sold out, so you can still probably wedge your way in Paul, F, tompkins ways, gentleman paul, F, Thompkins laughs. This is mike working all right. Do you hear people on here? This is everything that isn't the truth. I'm the person talking on this mike. Thank you. they want more in the rome, as I say, go or in a monitor skype. Little Passiveaggressive their bit could be louder you're back your men, we, I would argue about analysing. We lived in new york at the same time for a year and we saw each other once are you happen to be
that cause are very happy to be back. What happened I didn't enjoy new york. I'd really enjoy living. There are no, I I think I think it's for young people don't know when a city is trying to crush them and I sort of I sort of get the pride people have in living in new york, because you didn't have pride private living there you'd be a terrible fool like wiles wiles. Would you live there, yeah is it is trying to fucking kill me, but still, you have to say with pride, because if you say legacy the cities trying to kill me- and I'm still here like you- would It's the same idea, but you look dumb. Yeah you know I see people surely get credit yeah, it's bad, but new yorkers have that weird I've never been in a more polite, helpful city like there People will if someone goes down people around their help and people out there just because it fucks up the rhythm of things is not cause, they care. So much that I guess it's
There's a troubling they they want to get it solved, so they can get on their wake. Yazzie. Oh absolutely, and also people are like that. You have this amazing sort of invisible boundary that's like like steel like when you ride a train. You know this one thing that started really fucked me up. You know that every morning, you're going to be this close to a fucking. Stranger like this, like this and you're, going to smell his hair you're, going to see pimples you're going to hear them talking to themselves. You can hear the fucking music he's listening to and you have to be good with that. You have to be like I'm. Okay with that. I was not okay with that. The problem is that I could not. I could not let go of things legs like saying. Excuse me I can. let go of saying it or of hearing it. So one would be coming about the subway and people are just just slamming into you like? I guess I got like I got body checked by old woman who, as tall as this table right and she
if she was in a hurry and she was going to the streets and fuckin slams right into me and keeps walking and I'm still like after almost a full year would still do something like this: excuse me I could not let go of it. I cannot let go because I realised like auto. That's a part of huge humanity you have to get rid of and I felt like. I wasn't ready to be part of an organization you're part of a large body of cells. One of forty one, though, like one that, like the idea of you saying that, with your bow tie on in the whole getup spectacular excuse, I was not lost on me. I might as well have had a monocle yeah. Of course I beg your pardon Here's a moan I realize I had to leave new york was. I was on a train sitting with other people and
there was a guy sleeping on a train that he had taken issues off. He was wearing no shirt also. He was in for the night. There was any one morning. It was our shore and everybody on the train. It just mining their own business and in this was the thought that I had. Isn't everybody wonderfully tolerant, not like that is fucked up? There's a guy sweeping around the city. Do we live there? I was like this is cool. This is new yorker new yorkers hanging out with the guys beyond on the train I had lost. My empathy arose completely and I was in then the following day I got on the train and I fucking hated everybody. Well I mean it is that moment and it can happen it can happen anywhere. Where you are going to like you. standing outside in line for a movie and then you're saying someone in this homeless, guy came up to us progress in life for the movie
kind of burying the lead there. The other person didn't have a home whose was begging for food. Like that's, that's the real part of the story, not that you are inconvenienced in light is a twenty twelve. I'm going to rearrange, show eddie you're in you're in the batter's box. Full is I'm concerned about your future peppered tone. Are you ready? If I want you now? I know, but you can come out after you. I just don't want to sit there like festering backstage in and eddy pepper tone. Like way, I want you to do it out here in front of people not behind inside yourself, gimme, a self cancer. So what eddie, pepper, John, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful eddie, pepper town, now he's going to stand up, he's going to edie edie needs his space. You want to come around here, come around here and talk to me buddy, oh man. I you know. First of all, I'm hearing people trash new york out here.
That was then I gotta tell you them was. I know I know, and I just don't like it. I don't like it because new york, is my home, and it's where I was cut like a diamond. No! I mean there. I was caught by all the people in the pain and though you know the slashing under the sun, wait. I used to get on the subways in fear, because when I to get on the sub ways and still to this day when I get on the subway, I never know- and this is the great thing about the subway- you don't know if you're gonna get murdered. Because there's nowhere to go and if you have claws
phobia, which I develop later in life. I develop gloucester phobia. I do not know why I am. I used to be able to run like see biscuit, or feel like see biscuit in an elevator. But there was a point and I don't know if you ever felt theirs. I would get on an elevator and I would panic I was gripped by panic and that's what new york did to me. It made me fearful see a full person and people who trash new york don't respect, fear, you know what I mean. Let's go to EL fucking a orders by the way. This is a very fearful, but you know where you know where la rivals, new york, it rivals it on the god. Damn highways! Yes, no new york is fucked up? You got to take a subway with three billion people, their armpits and all that. But how about getting on for all fucking five
at a time of the day and you are go glean and map question you can avoid it. This time you have to go, I the four or buy five, because you don't want a snake into L. A me underbelly by the all those fucking neighborhoods is florence what is manchester? Nobody fucking knows, especially in this area where they just run back and forth between birds in la Puente bell right. They just run back. That saw everybody and that's another thing. New york has so much character. Allah has like little streets of character like when I first got here. I was like. Oh you gotta check out franklin between broad. It was hammering what a fucking stretch. That's like three fucking: it's got such a city vibe it.
but back I show you may see eating pizza right now stored at little pizza, rare the place, no one remit, what's the name of its good pizza, what princes bright says I saw william may well, you may see eighty eight say there with his fucking kid. It was this sad because there was no foot traffic. I was just bill, macy storage stage, and you see celebrities out here when you just want to go so a city get to our real city, like ferguson was eating their tonight. I saw him how fucked up is that how fuck that pays? by the way. I don't approve of ferguson, because now I'll tell you why I'll. Tell you why, whereas you from scotland highlighted, gives a shit, let's say it, scotland, it's all the same. Let's say it's guideline, you know
the guy from brooklyn, goat, hello. I can late night in scotland we have a guy, or will you say, but I don't want to turn now magazine phobic whatever dad. No, no! No! No. I have trouble with language because I'm a man of the heart I fucking and that's because I live in fear created by new york. I live in fear. By living in a city that had my too many violent people, and I am yes. What is christmas its current smith, It's christmas. My which miss memory I'll, tell you my biggest christmas memory. My mother was manic depressive, so hard moping. Let's just call it moping, she used the moat. That's a nice way of putting it
she was hospitalized constantly, thank god. She's dead So anyway, my mother- and I know that's not right at eight. That's your mother come on come on come on. Families are nothing but albatrosses. I, but I mean driving. You have living with the same people for more than four years. Is horrible? Stop horrible stuff familiarity, breeds contempt. You know all those saints read, robinson crusoe or whatever books you can get on kindle. and I don't even know what kindle is you have no idea? I hope I get coffee out of this. I like the what the fuck coffee, but let me tell you something my earliest memories of christmas, my mother moping around wanting to kill herself with the electric, shit. That was always on the christmas tree wanting to like put the lights in her mouth or whatever, and I got drunk gone haagen dazs le corps. How bad is
I was in a num num num state decided when my mother wandering from room to room, wandering from room to room going son son when I'm in the hospital, when you call me it's like a little visit That's my earliest christmas, that to me all the time looking I I'm all, I'm all for sugar and flour and I'm going to- and this is what I'm going to talk about now- is the whole life process the whole life process. We this centre grain and die world disintegrating now. Yes, wish Erin a couple, a laughs. What I am trying to look good lately, because I want praise. I love
when I walked in a room. Take it take it as a fee. I love when I walk in a room and people go, you look great and I go that's because I'm denying myself the pleasure stately and its such a hard thing. I used to smoke pot all the time and that's great, because bad news, item comes on which there's nothing but instead of getting horrified by a bad news item with pot you just like no what a little high up, no rap, it doesn't matter what the news story is. I always danced a low righto in my head if I am stone, but now since I
I cut out sugar and flour and b so bar. Oh I'm sober. I am completely sober because I want to be completely present, but an aura that is two thousand and nine america right. What I have all my friends now watching to show called jersey, fucking sure. What is this you should No, you know you got you should a jersey that what you should have that fucking shit, but anyway I'm denying myself the pleasure, I don't fucking need flour, I don't have sugar, I walk or I don't drink. I don't smoke. I just walk around going. I do and it's hard that's the angry own! The angry! Oh yeah like so, is right, of course, but we
that may be where I'm missy yeah merry christmas to you, yeah eddie beverage, everybody thanks for getting me out of the draft. in about two hours. Eddie will email me saying: was it ok? Was it ok? Was it okay, but nobody was great he's always great eddie, perfect ones, always great sarah. Are you there? are you bringing your guitar out. First, can you ruin the surprise now? It's all me where you, gentlemen, tsars over you know we are. We all live in securities in its maybe thing to embrace. After a while, you know that something that doesn't make us different it make. says the same, whether its
chip on our shoulder or not feeling like we're enough or bragging. backstage here, Sometimes he will brag and it's like sad. It's like, I was walking out of the bathroom and another comic was walking in we're like hey, hey and he goes hey Are you okay? The last time I saw you, you seemed kind of bummed out, and I was like. Oh my god. Thank you so much. No, I'm Well fine, I am you, know life isn't all rainbows and lollipops and and unease and you know what I said what and he said mine is I'll, tell you why new york is good security wise. It made me humble right away like day one because I was walking down the street. And some guys whistled at me and I turned around and I was like
I may go not you learn I to appreciate. I learnt appreciate and Some people like really their insecurity is a is a say, it them because it's like their way that they're surviving that they don't really see themselves like they're, not really like you get the feeling that if they were like a degree or two more onto themselves. They Kill themselves in early mean, like say a woman like when she was nineteen was like smoking hot, just crazy. Now she's a little older, say, she's, a little older like she's, thirty nine. Not quite as hot she's, not as hot, but she doesn't She doesn't realize that, because she's just she's, always just she looks out, you know,
okay, so she'd be like This is how she would protect yourself would be like. Oh my god, it's so weird, because when I was nineteen, When I was like nineteen, there were so many official pussy inspectors. You never see them anymore. You never see them fucking computers. Computers take over spend so much time. Thinking of we should, if we could, we don't think of. We women are here is it you call yourself a diva, you better be singer fuck, you start over, I'm not a good guitarist.
If you call yourself the diva, you better be a singer. Why the you better be a singer that somebody cutting me in line the diva, you better singer solo and not be someone treating me unkind, know. I know what I did wrong. Call yourself the diva it better be for reals and not some sad, pathetic kind of front the keep yourself fish and your thoughtless and you're broken and you're heartless you're, probably not a diva you're a con. The cons cons, the guns guns guns, the cons cons can can can. Can the cunt cunt the cunt, the Sarah silverman is that called the contract? Everyone wants to say that word. They just rarely have opportunity without
maybe someone cry. That is insane theory all the way everybody wants to say that word. They just never have the opportunity. I never get around to it. Yeah. Who has the time we were in england sure we are in england. I can say boy, you can't wait to do that. That's when you- and I agree with the prime minister and it's got married yeah- how's your car, LUCA. I don't know, I think it's over no tonight, so I would then I dont have I have no religion or or or family or people. I don't I don't either. I only feel jewish because of the people who aren't jewish that are and in it there's me when it the whole thing but years when christmas time comes around, they go is that we killed Jesus just whatever it's not we killed
the baby gee he it wasn't baby Jesus. There was a grown man. Jerk juries, people celebrate the whole Jesus killing thing. Try to yeah, really yeah. There was witness to Jesus. He tried to kill him. You know he did. Did what I've always said is like. Maybe we're involve its unclear, but you should bucking quit complaining because you should thank the Jews were killing Jesus evaporating towels. I do said no story, one there's no story to end up being like on third marriage on Adam Carolla's, podcast or like on doing like the hollywood squares. It's like if Anne frank live.
it would be a nightmare. She'd be like loud and opinionated and she'd, be on every game shown she'd be like the wacky cameo in movies and tv for, like a stretch for people, be actually saying, like not fucking Anne frank again, how much of her bullshit do we have to put up with I get it. She lived Jesus is on tv again, what is by all I feel about maya angelou the another poem for her shit, the bullshit. Why angelos more like it, the high five you I don't wanna get you sick, I don't even know- I think I am not sickening. I mean I'm not carrying on the carrier
Is there anything that stops sickness? Do you guys know of anything that actually works to stop sickness death, I was thinking more in terms of something ridiculous like oregano, oil or oil. all liberally, oregano oil and olive leaf. Did you do that? so it doesn't volume or why were. I can hopefully, whatever we do something horror, pure I'll, wash your hands. All the time put salt Hot saltwater, gargle it take a q, tip hate the game, not the player, put it in your nostrils. I have I got this shyness squish your thing now. Everyone keeps telling me to get a neti pot which I'm not going to do, Absolutely everybody, my god Are they a data once we get in anybody tartar about the other day? And then, but I got the squeeze bottom. You did that
fill it up with lukewarm water and salt solution, any hold one nostril and you go and then pull it up, and then, comes out the other one and it's like a trick. If you're almost like doing magic for yourself, I never knew I could do this. It's coming out this one and you're coughing it up at the same time. It's such a racket because they've got the the visit. No, this is good, we're drowning ourselves in front of a mirror, It's going to work, it's going to work I'm sorry, six! Sarah, Are you traveling at all this day at this time of year to new york city tomorrow morning? If it the flight doesn't get cancelled, why would it get campus they always going to snow like fuck. There. natty, but that generic face on the tarmac the people slide down the slide just to dump water in there. Yeah
drop from the overhead right now. It's my pleasure for this christmas podcast and a lot of people are listening. Probably christmas morning after their wandering around their homes, disappointed hearing you know wrapping crumbling under their feet, going. That's the only I'm fucking. Wanted that looking for a little dose of the poet, general. Ladies and gentlemen, with a christmas craft thank so very much. It is a great honor being here at this special christmas podcast of marc. This is a poem for christians. The rest of you can just go fuck off
I mean that I'm in uniting the respectful way I mean causes before christmas and all through the house, not a creature stirring not even a mouse except uncle herbie who life at most is an omelet of darkness. On top of bleak toast, anyway, it seems uncle. Herbie had been up all night celebrating the loss of one more day in his life drank passed. His limit cramming threw down his throat and tell his kidneys did bleed and his liver did blowed in it stomach? Sat a big ball of gluten, while the pores on his face looked like cheese. They were as mutant is didn't think buckling shudder while it is the sub, is much like butter. Oh yeah herds, sleaze ball, but wait there's much more. His sons of pusher his mother, a whore and all through the night, as his stomach did gurgle he dreamt of a neighbor's freezer to
while snowflakes did fall to the wonderment of all as the spirit of eel tied, feel parts, big and small. That beans and her put a bag on his head, making his penis turn blue in his neck, get all red in the morning. The talks were a shudder to find him alone just tee in his cheek one hand on his phone. Just then Hu, the hallway santa did scope, dragging behind them whose big bag of bulk he laid down. The presidents one by one, a pile of sawdust, a whole wheat for the bulk of the brand, and when he was done, herbie was dead, the vessel broke or something and santa was taken downtown questioning is merry christmas. Thank you, Jim, the
so you know so you come down here and and how long before your wife got sick. You know she I noticed her getting sick during playing tennis, which is weird we're playing tennis back and forth. and she was. She wasn't moving as quick and as she was What's the matter and she's my legs hurt and pains in my legs, so we went to doctor and in it was then call neuropathy, which meant that you know her immune system. is really low and fucked up. It was causing nerve damage in her body, so that was the beginning of it and you know- and there was a beginning of such a long and second, painful deterioration, it was a slow. You know fucked up time. For me, you know back to how long did that take. I think she started getting sick. I think was about a five year period of of slow deterioration and then, like these rapid fucked up she had pneumonia. Like fifteen times. You know she was in the hospital and she
given her last rites a few times you know and and then survived it and then came back. It was just a brutal brutal tie and you were her primary caregiver was her caregiver. You know at some point near market clicked in me that that this that I never thought of leaving her like. I never even considered it, I don't you know and, and hey, it's the greatest decision. I've made it's made me it's the. Greatest thing. I've ever done was care for my wife. never do anything that great again fucking h, b, o specials, whatever you want to give me, nothing will be better than that because it's it was such a reckoning within myself that I am not a piece of shit. You know that I don't deserve this needles in my arm. You know I. I am a good person, what I'm capable of capable of of deep love and commitment. Yeah yeah- and you know I I just that- was
Whole life was taking care of her and there were a lot of laughs. Were you there when she died yeah? I was def it was not in the room when she died. Never, after side that particular night, her mother had been in town the night she died and her mother wanted to stay with her alone, and I left her there and I went home and that's the night that she passed away. So I kind of you know it's not a very big deal to me. I know I did for her and having to be there at right at the shore. I think I remember you shared a story once about the taking the motorcycle, what the story goes and I'll I'll do it cause it's a little bit longer than I'd like during her last days. She was in the hospice. I had just gotten a harley, my first harley if I yeah I wrote up on today. I love motorcycles and you know she wanted to while she came out and saw it and she got upset. You know like she was angry at me and
she went back inside all pissed off, so I'm liking it. This gay dude that work there. That's a whole nother group of fucking P. Without them, I wouldn't be alive- gape men, fucking save my ass. To that through eight, the the aids organizations, all all run by gays, the high mrs the nurse his world gay guys just that they got some deep? You know well of love within them. It s incredible. You know in and like friends wanting to go my neighborhood, a frank I have hiv was at a cable channel, even know what the fuck it is. You know that kind of thing do you think they would ostracize do even if they did know what it was. I dunno I got one friend who who's actually a made guy a gangster. He was still best with, for instance, with children He knows all about it, he's he would do research. You mean call me mike I'm reading about this thing so the stereotype of that
world is all solid, the human beings to summon images violent, you know yeah yeah, there is yeah but anyway, so so I learned so much about stuff, and so she goes in and she was pissed off that I had the motorcycle. So this guy, this gay guy, I forget his name, let's call him bill, I says she, I said: why is she so mad at me? He goes well. She just feels like you're, moving on with your life. you don't love her anymore more. You have this motorcycle and I eat, and he said you don't need her anymore, like that was a strange thing and I
is how much I didn't eat or, like I loved it like she was my best friend and so what I did was I went home. I brought some of my work shirts back to the hospice and I brought them into her room and said where we are working. I was working for the health department. I was an educator, a health educator go out and do condom demonstrations. Oh yeah, that's how I started comedy, so I will get into that. After my how I realized how funny I was with the most brutal shit. So so I bring these shirts these work shirts into her and she uses science as a friend. He, my shirts, are a fucking mess. Any jedi in Mcb she got all fuck you in a hospice. You know so I went I left. I come back twenty minutes later. All the shirts are ironed yeah. No, she got up and then she's, like wisdom, The cycle now she's excited about this, and that guy was right. She just wanted to know that that I still need it or, like I love there, you don't like people aren't dying, they don't know they're dying, there
feel I'm alive dying is an event they ask away at one moment up until that moment they are alive and they want to be loved and they want to give and share. You know yeah in that case, so since you want now, she wants to see the I take her out. She wants to sit on it. I put her on it. She wants to start it up. Now, she's wearing fucking, a paper dress, reno azalea, yes, gotta, morphine pole next door and she said in on this harley and I'm worried about burning your friggin lego. So I'm sure can you just take a little ride around a parking lot. I'm like now! I kid I think you get the fuck you gotta drift, I with and then it just. Me I'm like no, you have do you like. you're. In this moment you have to do this motorcycle right, you know and its dangers on what, if falls and you know what, if won,
the only story of my wife. She almost died of aids, but then I killed her on my harley. She fell off and banged your fucking head. That says: yeah, that's a fucked up story, so That's where the original fucking fuck, of course, some riding around a hospice parking lot and then my friend comes battling in this vein whose occur all in a wheelchair laugh. And what do you do? some. I'm writing franny around phrase like we just go out on the street. I a little bit with a morphine drip. She hold and holding the pole mark was What war wheels and a bottom and were riding around this hospital? We could hear the god damn wheels, channeling in banking, it was insane and then I passed the front door and all these nurses are standing in front of me, the real crime there watching us.
in cry- and I didn't know why they were crying. I was like: why are they crying? I didn't get what they was seeing. Yeah, I didn't know cause I was just in it. I was living it. I knew my this, my wife, who had suffered the the suffering that she had been through in her life. She was a prostitute. She was a fucking heroin addict. You know she was being. by frequent pimps and deserve pass. You know and and then she ends up with this aids and she's dying and all she. What is a fucking ride on my motorcycle? You know what at all. You know or on. I may be five.
because women, it's never enough finale we're on ninety five she's got gian hooks to fuckin pole and she's, holding the morphine bag over her head with, with her gown on flying up and yes, you've. It's your entire fucking naked bony body, with the morphing back whipping in the wind and I'm drunk and were passing by these guys near lamborghinis and shit, and I'm looking at him like what the fuck. How did these people yeah? What are you doing life for you live? Look at me, I'm the I'm on the top of the world here, and you know that The last thing I did with her, you know- and you know I feel so blessed and lucky like an I mean yeah. I feel if that was asked for a better moment. Yeah yeah in a memory you know so yeah, it's heavy man, yeah, it's beautiful stuff. You know, and it's it's what we all you know biggest things that were afraid of are really can be the most beautiful. If you look if you're looking right in the fuckin, I and you don't flinch, cause this something
billy beautiful behind it out aside from saying merry christmas, I'd like to give people a heads up that MIKE Destefano passed away four months after that in her, I was sad I am certainly glad I got to talk to them- will have a new episode on thursday, with MIKE marcus and DR steve, and then next week on new year's day, we'll spend the day with my family. Okay, I doubt that that fact that bad- Bob. Although
lives,
Transcript generated on 2022-07-30.