Day 7. Dax gives the Armcherries a personal update. Recorded on September 21, 2020.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
He's a friend, I've, just friends. I have a tremendous amount of fear about doing this, Stand one of them is people well, maybe but barred me with things wrong or judgments of what I shudder. Shootin of dawn, and maybe some people feel a sense of betrayal as we preach honesty and I was being dishonest. I have a fear. Financially that like companies who would want me to represent them would I'm not. I think the people who already have
me will have, alas, ammo which of course, who cares hairs- who cares and then them you know, most importantly, but not I don't have it now, but I had a week ago, which is the cornerstone of my self esteem other than the children is that we have this podcast in that a lot of people have been inspired. To try sobriety based on how open we are about it, and I had a huge feared that those people would feel may be misled or I don't know part of its good in itself esteem. Another part of its ego that I am I have sixteen years. I have sixteen years I have sixteen years and that is something people. My
aspire to have and then through talking to a really good, close friend, who said you know if, if you're being honest and that what you really want to do is help people, then it would be much more helpful for you to be honest and achieving yeah tell the truth. I agree yeah, ok, so it would be unfair to say this all started with my recent surgeries, which is really hard to say, but job. First of all, I'm so proud of you think you buddy so eight years and sobriety I had not done a single shady thing. There was no nothing I haven't done anything Greg and then my heart's illiteracy. In two thousand. While my father was dying, he got diagnosed with cancer in August and then he died December. Thirty first, I was going back nonstop too.
Do all the treatments with them and take him came on handle is hospital stuff Oliver. I also got a motorcycle accident going to work on parenthood and I immediately called my sponsor an I said, I'm in a tonic
And I got a work all day and we have friends that have vicodin came and he said. Ok, you can take a couple like it in to get through the day work, but you have to go to the doktor and you have to get a prescription and then you have to have Kristin dole out the prescription. I said ok, so I I did all that yeah. So I had a prescription for vike it in that Christian was administering no problem. Yet I then fly back to see my dad and I don't take the prescription because Christians votes to hand them out plus decided, like I'm fine enough to just go without them. So when I go back my father at this point, is he can't walk he just as in this hospital room all day long? And he says that he really months ago
sit in this house and look at the lake one more time. So my beautiful friend KEN Kennedy builds a fucking handicap ramp in front of his house and I get him in a wheelchair. My father is not a small man at this point either. Even with cancer probably weigh two hundred and eighty, so I get them in this wheelchair. I take him to Ryan's his favorite restaurant. I get him a gold, brick sundae his favorite thing in the world and he doesn't take any bites of it, and that was the point where I was like: okay, that's probably the last stage for him yeah, so you didn't eat any of this. I got him ribs in this. This some go, brick Sunday need and take any bites, and then I took him to the house and dumb. They had given me his purkis at yeah because he needs to take him every whatever hours so give him a bunch of work set and then I go. I have a prescription for this, and I was in a motorcycle accident. It and I'm gonna, take some too, and so I took her
sat in my dad and I sat in his. Living room and stared at the lake and was some we had so little in common and so much friction. But the number one thing we have in common is we're both An adequate and we had never used anything together. Am we sat there stoned at the lake in it moment. I felt shinin I was just happy and then I dropped him off at the hospital. I went back to Kenny's house and spent the night, and I started panicking about that. I have done that. And I was wondering if that's a relapse name. Oh no yours is gone and then did you take more also, perhaps ask questions. No, please do because I think people will be wondering whatever you're wondering well, since you were already taking them, did you take more than you would have been taking?
yeah. I probably took twice of what you are my other prescription eyes: yeah, We need even more specific and Actually I think I took exactly what my prescription was, but then the second I felt them. I too must second dose of right. So I wake up the next day and pretty nervous and I'm a little panicked about the whole thing. And then I go to the hospital to see him. And what I was already eaten. Not crazy. Loving was just that my dad had so many friends in a which is awesome and they maybe they would visit him all day long and there would often be like ten to twenty people inside of this his room, and I wasn't really alone with them as much as I want to be, and so I pull up to the hospital and I'm seeing all these people walk in and I'm just feeling a lot of things like overwhelmed by what I did over one. They think that my dad's dime, I dont think too much later did I realize it was stressful
Think in the moment I thought like. Oh you do this. You do get the handicap Rambo did you know you are distracted by that logistics do exactly, and it was something that I control, and so that's was my thing. So all that to say Christian called me and I was sitting in the parking lot in the car and said how you doing- and I said I'm not doing great- I am I'm really upset that all these people are visiting, and I went alone time with him and in of course, there's more that's going on the mat agenda and she says: don't worry It's ok, look to your laughed and I looked at my laughed and she's stand. In the parking lot. She is flown on the red eye that night, without telling me and she's in the parking lot of the hospital. And we go inside and dumb. My dad feels the baby Lincoln's, like you know, eight months in the belly at this point, and so he the thing and it is really sweet day and then
on the right from the hospital home as our crying say I relapsed. I took Bob LAW and she's like We clearly need to call someone in a, but I would say, you're fucked up from this accident, you hi with your dad keep moving like you don't need to redefine. You know you didn't lose eight year, Bolivar yeah, which was so comforting and, of course just telling her was really comforting, and then I did tell a couple select people in a but in all honesty a couple people that I thought with co sign yes, sir, so that was eight years ago and over the last eight years. I don't think there is another thing for maybe a couple years until I got her again. And then I have now had this experience, where I did that I felt bad, but there wasn't really any fall out from it. It was like I felt bad. I said I felt bad and then I did
move on and it was fine and I also didn't feel I need more anymore- I more exactly yeah, yes and again up One other thing allowed his arm I know really our powerlessness and manage ability feels like which is when I drank yeah. If I drink on a Thursday night, there's no telling if I'll come back that night, and then you are coke and then really you're. Talking like I can predict if I'll be gone for a day or four days or whatever. So that's me is like on me. Building, powerlessness, which I am entirely powerless awkward drinking and cut. So this the confusing experience, because I didn't feel very powerless or anything. So then I get heard again. I can't remember even what happens, but then that next time and never administering them myself, but maybe I don't want to take him at night, because I can't sleep when I take them, so
when I get my two at night. I don't actually domain. I keep them for tomorrow morning, so that I can make it the dose. I wanted to be an again that cycle happens maybe three or four more times and I feel shady, but I don't feel like This is a problem I didn't desire more when the thing was over above a lot, so this escalates too, I have the tunny injuries of had seven surgeries shall shit. I go right. Alot. And after I ride sometimes on the track, I feel I am entitled to take to buy it and at the end of the day, because I am in paint. That again is and feel that crazy and then this last gold, and of the hand then the shoulder starting, like I don't know six months ago or whatever it was I'm getting shady or in shady here, and I'm not
ever yet bought them, and then I do yeah so yeah and for the last eight weeks, maybe I don't really know you would know better than I would among them all that all day, and I'm allowed to be on em at some dosage cause. I have a prescription and then I'm also augmenting map and then all the prescriptions run out and I am now just taking thirty MEL boxes that I've bought at. Whenever I decide. I can do and again In my attic de brain, I'm like I don't take them after four, so I can sleep, I'm taking stools, oftener some, not constipated, I'm doing all the dishes and on being a dad and I'm interviewing people, the interview seem to be going pretty well in its feeling very manageable when I'm thinking
is very manageable and then primarily you start saying what are you on or why are you different or what's happening and I star lying to you pretty you right, early and I hate it. In a mind to other people and I know I have to quit, but my taller is going up so quickly. That I am now in a city patient where I'm taking. You know a third he's a day and I know that's an amount. That's gonna result in a pretty bad withdrawal and I start getting really scared and I'm starting to feel really lonely. Am I just have this enormous secret and Ike? I create a schedule. Each had a hand on you. South, a driving ban, all myself and I come up with a schedule that I'm gonna take a than the next semantic: seven, the romantic six
Bob condemning me about well. Day one when I'm supposed to step down like oh, I wasn't anticipating that this was an order. Gonna feel bad after just one last, so I don't step down the first day and then I dont step down the second day and now I'm really panicking cause. I don't have many left and I know it's getting worse and I now start getting pretty visibly detox, ie and withdraw Ali. I lie in say I'm having an arthritis flare up. And then ten, maybe eleven twelve days ago yeah. You and I are driving in the car. And I am now on my like fourth lie to you of the day, and I just can't. I can't do it. I can't
I just on gas lighting, you and I know I am and are making you feel crazy and are making Kristen feel crazy and. So I say to you in the car and why start crying? Oh, oh bad, and I say I have something to tell you, but I want to tell you in Christendom same time So we go in the GM and then I tell you guys everything more and I give you the remaining stuff. I have, and I say please help me is I'm not doing this well Europe, and now I don't really know what to do. I'm like I've told you guys I apologize for all the gas lighting I've been doing, and now I have this whole situation in my more more importantly, my ego in my sixteen year sixteen year, sixteen years, compounded by the fact that way
it's in the news that I have said. I know that the public Alan that makes us so much harder than it is for another person, which is why I'm extra pressure by the way I I said, I don't think you need to start over. I think it's fine. I think we get through this end Let's also say why cuz, I think it's relevant. My fear was that if I have one day I'm going to drink and I'm going to do coke, so I haven't drank a beer in sixteen years and I haven't snore line in sixteen years and if I have one day than I might as well, fuck him have what I really want and then start over in my fear of that is. I know if I do that it may take me three years to get that back there in the cave,
oh and I may die. I just know what I'm like on those two things, and so I am, I am again something very hard for me to know what part of this is like my addiction and what great stories I tell myself of reasons why can't just be fucking humble and say I failed. I think I have a very legitimate fear that I would drink and also, I think my addiction smart enough to say you can't do that or your drink, So when I end up doing is going to a meeting after I tell you and Kristen, and I kind of I talk about the thoughts I had witches while that stuffs confusing, does your kind of functional and it doesn't feel powerless and it doesn't feel unmanageable, and so, like a kind of just crack that door, or by the guy's. There are necessarily thinking anything and then the next night I go to a much smaller.
Our meeting with some really good friends of mine and I cop to a lot of tat. I basically caught to getting a couple prescriptions them christening know about which again not the full story, and then I Saturday, I call my best friend someone who I look up to so much whose much older than me and as everything I want as a person and two beautiful daughters and he just the most amazing, and in the world, and I talked to him and I tell him everything yeah and he says you know you Your number one character defect is your arrogance. You think you're so much smarter than everybody. And he said- and I know it because I suffer from the same one, which is true- I'd, never thought
I'm not an attic, but I thought I must smart enough attic to do this in be smarter than and come up with a bullet proof, game plan and he say you know it's your number one character defect in that. Unfortunately, I know the antidote to it, which is humility in there. Be nothing more humbling for you then too tell everyone in our meeting and then ultimately tell everyone period, and that was tariff. That was so terrifying, and yet I could not deny that was the real antidote.
So, then I am living him pretty big fear from Saturday till Tuesday also I'm stepping down, and I am really very physically ill. Yeah yeah. Yes, I'm like sweating bullets, I'm jerky, I my back, kills issues. It's it's terrible, I've never detox from opiates, and I I I have so much compassion for these junkies, who have like fucking cycled through this twenty thirty times. It's it's is young also Just had your sobriety birthday, yes and oh yes, so let me add that thank you. So my older friend, who I worship one of his first questions, was how to feel taken at six, Your cake at the meeting, where everyone is being so kind to you and saying how much they admire you, and I said it was the worst hour of my life
You are in your on the oh yeah. I wins high at the meeting having people tell me that they admire my sobriety, and I said it was There- worse thing in the world, but my choices, in my mind at that time were don't go to the meeting on my sixteenth they which would have led the biggest red flag in the world in my secret, would be out and I'm dead, and I really at that point. Thinking like this is my wife on the line is like the idea that I would have to put these things tomorrow morning. So your irony right cause your life is on the line in the opposite way in the opposite way. But I have convinced myself at that point again stupidly in in wrongly that The love I've experienced in that room for the last seven. Ten years has been conditional as they love me, because I'm sober
and I really convince myself of you You have an a of that or you think people love you because you may lovey, because you're a good driver of this and that this just people just love you, you have to be able to just put a period at the end of that, very hard. Don't do you, don't you think you have absolute giving everyone does, but when you're on the other side of it. You know, that's just so, not true, you're, right, yeah, you're right in a moment, so while and then that so so I had great fear of going to the meeting You stay in a time of kind of perfectly where I had been off of opiates for a full twenty four hours, and I had taken Xanax the night before to sleep, because I couldn't sleep, so do they really was day one and then so I This meeting- and I mean I've known the men in this meeting for eight seventeen and
After years they had many attempts before I got going, and I told my whole story, and I told it honestly and I went first and I was crying and dumb. It turned in to the most incredible like ninety minutes of ever experience, where there was just so much love in there was so much understanding and- kindness in unconditional love and its The own there's probably been many others, but it's the only experience I can remember having. That was just grace definition of grace and it was very emotional in it. It was a really really surreal kind of experience and when it was over I actually mentally for the first time in a very long time felt optimistic because for the last while
a long time, I've known, intellectually that things are going to get worse, that each encounter with it has gotten more shady and more dangerous, and I recognise that the next go round would be. Oh, I can't get pills, let's snort heroin in. You know, and I've had a lot of friends that I've watched go through this whole cycle and I I finally have the humility to say I will not be any different. I won't be special, I won't be smarter. I will be exactly like everyone else. I've semi. Philip Seymour Hoffman, how I just adored- and I l, I Z, a twenty some years, and I think he had a very similar kind of experience that ended in death, and so I'm not smart at Seymour Hoffman, I'm not more special, I'm not I'm not anything more than him.
But I will say the sixteen years of of not drinking and going to AA. There's a saying in AA that, like your addictions, doing push ups is not getting weaker over time. It's just doing push ups ready for you to get back at it and that part is true, but I will say that the the huge gift that the sixteen years did give me was. I used to be able to gaslight people daily and it did Bother me and I've had a good fifteen and a half years, or maybe more of not gas, letting people, and I just don't I I don't have that tolerance for it. I can't I can't. It was the worst part. This whole experience was like yet line right to your face this in knowing you didn't, believe it, and it is this. It was terrible and I and I hated myself over it and so
that's a gift of it and then shockingly I didn't have a single desire, fantasy or ideation about drinking or doing cooking, and it would have been totally natural if you dead, but So really I then it is thing really has relieve me. Of my obsession to drink alcohol, which is what promises it'll do so and I'm just so grateful for that. One other thing I want to say many years of sobriety. I journal every single day. I was like superstitious about it that if I miss a day it would relapse, and I'm talking, like you, know, fourteen years of of journaling everyday. And then I stopped, and I have told myself over the last couple years that I stopped because I was too busy and I had kids am Bubba WAR
I started journaling again, and I was writing everything I really did and all of a sudden it hit me. I stopped Joe link, as I didn't feel safe being honest with that journal, because I was afraid the journal would get found. And so I didn't even want to write it anymore cause. I was no longer even being honest with the journal, which is near a bizarre thing, and so yet today I have seven days good job. Thank you. Graduations also mean I'm not in this programme, so I dont know what I am allowed to say or not, but knowing you you still have, seven days, but those sixteen years are gone there not a raised. When I know there's like some gray by yeah, you haven't drank
the hall or had cocaine, which is why you went there in sixteen years. That's a huge accomplishment and it does there are still very proud of that. Whether I should or should it be. I heard ill feel very proud that I haven't drunkard cocaine in sixteen years and also I have not been sober in the way. I would like to be sober where you don't have secrets in your afraid to tell people about the grey area you're going through and that's my failing as I was not trusting enough of the people who love me to let the men on the struggle the struggle in the grey area. In what I the baby steps, I was taking an addendum yeah and I am obviously really regretful that now, at the same time, I had all these spheres of what it would be to have one They again and I will say, I've had twenty five conversations in the last week with guys from my problem
that I've had more in the last week and have had in the last two years with guys from my programmes so that the level of like connection I've gotten out of it, and again the primary thing once you're sober trying to help other alcoholics and be honest in I've I have felt like I've gotten to do. That way. More than I was doing, was quote sixteen year yeah, and that feels incredibly good. I feel so much better than I felt on opiates, even though I thought I felt really on opiates for connection you'd been missing bad. Yes, my lack of humility was road block two other guys been humble with me. Yeah we ve talked on the show about having a harder time talking about your current struggle.
My real time struggle. Yeah. I write way rather tell you things: I've corner yeah yeah, as I've been him Tina this in my subconscious for a couple years. An hour shows about honesty and vulnerability, and those things are so much easier said than done. I think an end, but you're really putting your money where your mouth is by doing one so embarrassed by the thing: go up, I'm not as much now going through it, as I thought I would be, but I was I was very embarrassed by the whole thing. You know: I'd really started beyond my. My ego is like I've got this under control in dumb beyond admit I dont have control, which is the thing I desire the most into open
I say that I am lost. Complete control is Paria hard for me. I think everyone hearing this is gonna, learn something new about you and maybe themselves then feel like everyone is going through a hard time. Everyone everyone,
as the I guess. The only thing I would hope people would hear is that, at least in my case the outcome wasn't anything like I feared it would be, and the secrets are so much more painful than whatever the fall out from owning. My secrets was beyond just really really grateful that you guys you no more understanding and ended and feel is betrayed issue. Should you know now, but that's the other thing I mean I'm not letting you off the hook or anything at all, but it is a disease. It's a real disease when you- and I think we talked about this before, but we knew had surgery this maybe a couple years ago, and I dont know why christen wasn't there something. So I was in charge of administering your pills.
And we were just in the middle of conversation in normal like totally like this and and then he just big. It's too, like in the middle of the conversations two p m like without looking at my wall yea, you just knew your brain was always counting down the minutes until you can have. It amounts to the point, two I mean I want to be honest about which is the lie I was telling myself was I'm pulling this off in, this isn't powerless and it's not unmanageable. Because look, I'm I'm interviewing people and I'm going to work and I'm doing all the stuff. But the truth is while I'm interviewing someone I'm almost having this out about experience from my own good. This is working This'Ll. In an hour. I'm gonna go p. I have two pills in my pocket. I'm gonna try to take one well, I'm paying that we Monica won't know. I took a pill. Oh my god. I think a pill fell out in the lazy boy. All I'm thinking about. Is that there's a pill? No lazy boy and you're going to see it, but I'm still so that's what's fucked up is that
you're. My real life gets put to my subconscious myself consciousness now, just operating whatever skill set have you, but my real thoughts are all day long. When do I have another pill, it can have too many. I gotta stop it for fun. One hundred and thirty four. I can't help ya really all I'm thinking about is that and I'm not actually present, even though there is the facade of being present, is very grouchy that I can do that again when I saw that, like in a we ve talked about addiction, so margin I hear the stories, but when I was a mastering, the pills was the first time I really would like. Oh, he has no control over this, I don't know it just really open my eyes to it. A new way like intellectually. I can understand it, but I felt like I can understand it emotionally for the first time of
your lack of control over it, and so I would like this is a disease. I guess I've really get that now like this is not a choice. So after that experience I like, became very hyper aware of any time. There were pill, rules are injuries or just generally. How is this really hyper aware of anything that felt a little off because I just really felt like I know this? Isn't he's he's not gonna be in control, yeah, yeah, oh and the other big thing that I hope he will take. The EU were brave enough to ask for help when you really needed at the I was on a continent of not a, I felt so terrible about the line, and then I just I was which I haven't felt in a very long time:
I was very scared and I felt very very long. Wait like the level of loneliness- and I couldn't even tell the journal- and I really was just locked in to my thoughts by myself, and none of them were helpful, but some people fear on May sterile down ask, and that is when I think things really spiral out of control, and so you have to ask for help. If you need it the. I am so grateful that you and christian or people I would feel safe to ask for help from. I am so grateful that I have you guys in my life. Andy mess it getting high yeah. I don't. I feel so much better again. I knew my life was going to get worse and worse and worse, and I knew it and I know
I feel again like my life's going to get better, I'm going to feel less sick from it, I'm going to be less sweaty every night, so some of the fun stuff the developments are, I have to switch sides of the bed sleep on a towel yeah and then about three. I may have to wake up as the tells to wear, and I moved to the other side of the bed and put a different tell them it's. It's very sure that one of doubt p p pads under the anything thing I miss about it as if I'm being brutally honest, was that I did look that I would wake up in the morning and I actually be excited to wake up cause. I was gonna take a thirty and a half a thirty and get my coffee and then in twenty five minutes I was gonna feel great. Fourth, three hours in
being able to control my mood, I love to being able to control, I moved to be able to predict how is gonna feel, in my view, no endless desire for control control control. That made me feel like. I could control that how I felt I enjoyed that part course. Yeah and dumb, and then when I would go off them, I would feel like yet so what kind of confirm all right you just let yourself be yourself: it's not very pleasant in Yemen, David! It's all! Yes, all this I'll tell you the the moment I had it like crazy mama we're watching alone the survival of show on Netflix, which is really great. There's all these contestants and they're all by himself and they're trying to stay as long as they can. They only have like a hatchet and bow and arrow whenever they have and them, this one woman tapped out, because she said
you know when I had my first child, it stressed my pelvic floor and I've been constipated for nine days and I can feel the weight of it. On my pellet floor and I'm I'm pretty nervous. It's gonna damage my pelvic floor to a degree that I won't be able to have a second kid. So I gotta go. I'm gonna tell and I had this moment words like that's addiction. She really just wants to leave as everyone there would want to leave, and so, a brain is all day long coming up with stories that, hopefully, she can buy into and finally a created one words like the future of your fertility on the lines. You must step up now. That may or may not be true yeah, but I so identified with your brain. Just why, king all day long trying to come up with a story. Do the thing you want to do that you can buy into justification? Yes, now, in in my brains, been very busy doing that for a couple months in our few months how it survive.
All a survival skill. I think I think why we originally habit so that we don't crumble and under our own mental, the t we all do it well justified decisions all day, long that we know are exactly railway dry by the homeless person on the street. We make justifications for why? Therein, though those positions- and I were not like everyone's doing it all day- long and ashes kind of important to recognise that, so we took up a lot of time.
About what I went through, but I would also like to very much let you say what you went through in again: apologise to you publicly cassettes. It breaks my heart that I would try to convince you that you were wrong about something you knew you were right. Well, I started to pick up on fangs and, as I can really think, something's going on, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get you in trouble, so I didn't wanna tell Kristen, I didn't know if I was right like was at my place, to ask:
and then you must think there's some outside chance that I'm not lying exactly. Why that point, you hadn't lied to me. I will get the right. Thinking like I feel something is how nervous former yes and I almost texted mutual friend, whose also sober- and I almost asked him. What do I do if I think, but I don't know what to do exactly what I do. I think so Wine is on drugs in China, be like that. He would know immediately and I didn't think I can well you're you're, probably susceptible to the same thing. I was telling myself. Which is it if I had one day, I'm gonna go drink. Yes, so you probably feel this Eggs of vat and well all of that yeah and I, after your hand, surgery. So this is the beginning of course,
and yet a hand surgery, and I I was living at the house because I had just had the seizure of the great all my guy crude stretch, Reverend only River houses of the seizure you're. You broke your hand, we thought Kristen had corona for like four day. Yes, she was quarantined in the bedroom. She was quarantine and I was so stressed, like I think MAX capacity stressed out, because I was like: oh my god, Christians gonna be quarantine for two weeks Dax his hand his bro. In. So he can't do anything so now, I'm gonna be watching these children for two weeks. I think I'm probably gonna have another see her. This time like, I will really stressed out yet one of those mornings, your back her yeah and also
I knew that there were pills in the max, and I was stressed out about that, but I couldn't really tell anyone about there. I found them out. I counted them. Some are missing and I was so stressed out in Jas texted me and he said how is it going over there, and I said, I'm so stressed out: don't know what to do: I'm nervous about the seizure, Christians and quarantined our pills, mess saying, ah ha and at what I did not realise. Is he texted both of us? We were on a group cats and he said how's everything going so, I repeat, line then to the group me and you and him, and he
called me immediately and he said you need to find a phone and you need to delete that all this is that not eat. This is like midnight or something you're sleeping, and I just sad nope, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna try to delete it. I'm not gonna, do anything and then I drove up- and I said, you're you're not gonna like this year and I see a text on your phone and its with Jason. You know I don't really know to do in these situate. Oh at that point I had already asked you a few times about stuff and you had lied, so I dont know what to do, because I felt like I knew, or I knew I was right in this case there were pills missing so I was validated, but then I was didn't know how to talk to you about it and I didn't again didn't want to get you in trouble. That's on me, and so I told jazz, and then I told you
you and an eye, and then I said you know just I feel like I have to have some sort of outlets alive picked him up and then Use just said: okay, you aren't mad at me or an all useful. I felt really bad that it would be in a position that you would have to count the pills cause. I am that person. And I know I'm stressing you out also high. So I don't really. I'm also want more than anything to stay high, so I want to make you happy. I want to stay high and I don't really know what to do. Yeah, I was really relieved that you are mad. I I thought you were gonna get super defensive and ours is embarrassed. By the way I knew You're gonna, do it yeah. I was allowed to take two, and I took, or five and then gave you the bottle to administer to me yeah. So again
there. Are these like talk about the great like, for some reason at that point was still willing to give you the bottle, ray like I was still in my mind: ok, warm that shall be in charge, but I'm gonna have a few more before I give it to her hopes Doesn't notice- but I know Monica she's, gonna notice in so. When I handed them to you. It was kind of like a ticking clock. I really knew what was coming here and then it happened, and I did it at that point- wasn't fucked up enough to yeah to lie about it. I was just like yeah yeah. And again I put on your shoulders the stakes of your. What he's was adieu call my sponsor and then now I have a day and now I'd go out and drink and fuck up at you know, I'm so sorry I did. I would be putting you in that position. Truly, it's so obvious how many people
always effects yeah again the lie. I'm telling myself the story, I'm coming up with his like I'm, not hurting anyone. How? How is anyone hurt by the sea? I I can't feel too Viking him right, but I feel like anything I can feel five again, I'm like why don't my tire tolerance than people I mean again. These are all the stories I'm telling myself. I have a much higher tolerance for drugs. They prescribe them for a seventy any pound, woman and a about me. That's there's a set prescription and in an work for me. I can feel it but you're not supposed to feel it useless. The absence of anger not above, but I dont want the absence of pain. I want a buzz and it's just really of you noticed all unravels very quickly.
I am. I have one set of ethics on one day and the next day a different set of ethics. It's a progressive thing and it gets worse and worse and worse. Yet are our good friend era Coos now sober much longer the me he was like. I'm surprised you didn't like desire to go, do coke or get riddle, riddle, ineradicable or something, and I said the only time I fantasy about getting Ritalin was a couple times. I took enough that it was very noticeable to you so my whole thing was like truly and by the way. Thank you. You probably kept me from guinea much worse that I knew there was some sweet spot that I had to maintain in or you would ask what you'd what's going on with you, and so It crossed my mind to have room after all available, just in case I did enough you would notice, and this is how it's like it just arts building now I never did get after all, but
It started crossing my mind that it should be my tool kit to pull this off just so grateful you're. Ok, that's very that's really that me to lasting amiable, I'm I'm. I have so much more to be grateful for I'm. So sorry that I lied to you and so many people- and I am anxious- react- really regret phone shameful and it really bump me out that I'm that per and sometimes- and I'm sorry, but I don't want you to be. Regretfully that your you you're you that you have all the good parts, everyone loves, and you have some third part for just like everyone does like everyone does
Yeah again- and I the I guess, the other reservation I had about coming clean publicly as like Kristen doesn't deserve for the next six months for every fucking interview she does to be. Oh, Dax relay. I know its not doesn't feel very real fair to anyone. It's not fair to anyone. This yeah, I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed that I found what other people in this situation, but its very admirable that you decided to put your self before fame before public destruction or whatever you fear, even though that's not gonna happen at all, but that is really hard to do to say I mourn
portent than that believe in Jes yesterday, he's goes, aren't you nervous people are going to like go back and try to figure out when you are high and stuff and I'm like yeah, that's going to happen and that's a fucking bummer and that's part of the consequences of this I'll just have to deal with that, because I'd rather deal with that then have a big fuckin secret, exactly I can't imagine going to a live show and having some you know, three weeks, sober person tell me, oh, my god, I can't I want to have sixteen years like you like. That would just kill me to do that. Now. If you got more than seven days, you got more than may sell your my elder, and I look up to you a him. You know onward and upward for all this
people who have been along on this whole journey for the last few years. I feel- and this is not sound cheesy, but I feel the same responsibility to the people who love the show and are with us cuz. I think it's such an emotional connection we all have. I would feel just as guilty to all the armchair he's as I would you and Kristen and other people. I love that's their. I think tat are items for your honesty. I love you so much thanks for dealing with me always why.
Transcript generated on 2020-09-25.