« Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard


2020-11-16 | 🔗
Halsey is a Grammy Award-nominated, platinum-selling singer songwriter. Halsey joins the Armchair Expert and the two bond over vaping, ranch-style homes, and both having car salesman fathers. Halsey opens up about being bipolar, the effects of that while being in a relationship with an addict, and the impact Mac Miller’s death had on her. Halsey reflects on how she used to use her sexuality and how much more empowered her talents make her feel now. She discusses how writing has turned into a tool for exorcising pain, learning about most life experiences through books first, and Halsey reads one of her new poems for us.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome! Welcome, welcome mountain armchair expert, I'm Dan, rather I'm joined by Monica Monsoon Emmy nominated three times decorated three times Thrace times decorate eyelash, not as an economic aegis, thrice times decorated. Like decorated my Tuesday championships, one two, okay, so two state championships and an Emmy nomination, thrice decorated. Alright, thank you! I'll take it! Now. Today we have an incredible singer, I'm a huge fan of, and largely because this is one of the first artists that my daughters and I shared as a favorite. It was very fond for us when the palsy songs would come on the radio. We all get excited and it's nice to share music with your loved ones, Halsey is our guess. She is a Grammy award nominated a platinum selling singer and songwriter uniform sheer manic, hopeless, found a kingdom into those seventeen bad lands and room. Ninety three she's got a bunch of amazing songs that we talk about.
And she has a new book out right now, it's poetry and we lucky enough. It was a last minute idea to hear one of the poems which was incredible. It was in her new book is called. I would leave me if I could a collection of poetry. I love that idle. I would leave me if I could so please enjoy Halsey. We are supported by kiwi cow. I build these key. We call things with my kids in it's so much fun. We most recently built a moon rover. Now he did they build their own moon rover with wheels in its fully functional moon Robert. But then you build this little landscape that has moon type, craters awning on dry off. It's really really cool. I'm sure your family has adopted do a lot of changes this year and with some creative problem solving. You discover new ways to tackle wife's day to day, and while this holiday season. look a little different. It's still
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and I bought a very kind of do she car nice Yak, some forty, and I'm from Detroit, and I like horsepower, but you know every time I see guys in this exact car, I'm like oh gosh, here comes to these guys and then I'm fucking vaping and there's like vapor coming out the window. I'm like, I am just a bull's eye of the person. I think I don't like yeah it's like forty five a duchy car from Detroit. You also like smoke inside the house and listen to Eminem or what's going on, probably more like Bob Seger but yeah. I'm wearing, go ok where you out right now Lay in the suburbs, which is where I have to say had to resign. Ok, now you have a shaved had More than that the site is slick. Yes, yes, let me add: thing with a car in the vaping to look at this. Look at this ridiculous. Where are your hair is longer than mine? Well much. I hope
on a longer here my daughter shaped her sides. I wanted a match her and then I just had honey hair on the other side, and I thought this is crazy. So now I've shaded both sides documentary myself, with this haircut and I was like that's not who I think I am interesting that I can go with lots of personalities. Let's be open I think maybe a little bit of an identity crisis are now. I think that's ok. I thank my whole life, thus far been an ongoing identity. Credit has Olga you and a bald in the suburbs. I am so you know Spine How long have you lived out here? I guess like unofficially, like five years. So I was living in New York before, but this is the longest time I've ever been in one place ever okay. So I think you- and I maybe share this- I moved to probably a dozen houses before
I graduated high school and now I'm neurotic. I cannot stand moving the house that we are about to leave and then for sixteen years as the longest, I ever lived anywhere by a factor of four or five and I feel so safe there and I would have never left, I just Wouldn'T- have left, I didn't care became billionaires. I stayed there, it started getting. Charming that our house was so average I literally where I'm at right? Now? Okay, good good yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I agree. You know it's funny. I moved a lot growing up to my parents like we're, always looking for, like cheaper houses and better jobs, like my parents didn't even own a house until I was like twenty three, maybe so I went to like eight different elements, schools and, like you know, and the whole thing some kind of in a similar bow, but it was very funny casement. Ranting started a lot of people. I saw like we're kind of posting. May being like Halsey. You probably live in a fifty.
In bedroom mansion with servants- and I was eleven- a three bedroom ranch style in a cul de sac and I don't even a car. I don't wanna car. Now, I've looked just like it you got me were all wrong. I got a follow up question about that. Is that because you're, a new Yorker? Yes, how fucked were you when people cut an uber? Do you have a bicycle? but I like your voice or go no. I just became that friend. That was they constantly calling their other friends mean that your man can you give me a ride. I too much and I don't want to leave as a ranch, love a ranch, I'm upset world moving to a non ranch home. I get the stairs in those then I'm gonna have to climb a flight of stairs. When I get coffee. I don't know that. I love that Can I told you I'm gettin up there? Forty five? Ok,
a motorcycle injuries than these aren't ideal. In fact, when we were remodeling this place, we're about to move too, I was like it should be a consideration that way. One of the rooms on the first floor is nice enough that when I can't climb the stairs I'll have to move down kind of like male orangutans, they end up getting so fat. They can't live in the canopy anymore, so they're just on the dirt by themselves. I envision my future is like I'm, a male rang, a town in your bed on the first floor, wistfully stodgy, firm, better knees, figure, biology, square footage, Christians in up their here now, here's another thing that we share and come like. I think there is actually more than this, but my father's old cars. My whole life does your dad and carbon Yes, I always tell stories about how, when I was growing up out with him with such a headache, because we never got home from anywhere quickly, because he would always run into someone he sold a car to defend
we'd be in the grocery store and, unlike thirteen, you know just a complete brat and don't want to be there and then I'm going to get there Can I come back my dad's like shit, I Toyota, the joy or and I'll be like I'll who the hell is this woman and this be enabling a solar, Chevy, suburban in two thousand and five. I need to use also mention that my dad is like a very huge lovable black man. ah but for some he's in whenever he speaks car salesman talk, he sounds like Mister Roger. I have some all sure why codes which right hundred hundred pounds so you know we're home and my dad's like YO, I like talking to us completely normal and then as soon as we're in the grocery store he's like Cheryl. How is the family come? Why do you guys get out to the cape? yeah, and then we get back in a car and he like starts a car and bone
in harmony, just run being Erin. the child you're. Just like all. This is utterly confusing for me: yeah yeah yeah, your dad was in the carbon he was in the car game. I'll say is just a hustler right. Every aspect of life was an opportunity to like cleared ten percent profit any at all saying that I get a very warped world view from. Which is basically like just take what you can and run like hell right, like the only objective, was to turn some product moves them units and make some money and I totally bought into that- and I have been confronting it for a long time, but you're dead saying that he passed on to you like. Do you have some car salesman vernacular that you can think of my dad needs to do this? Sell me this pen thing, oh sure, sure The worst thing ever I was like TAT on a I wanna watch, Fuckin Hannah Montana.
I also wanted to sell him. The pair big coming this pen saw me this pen, and I know this is a car salesman thing that has car salesman energy policy, which is very very parallel to beady. This ad I agree that he'd we like, I don't care what you end up doing in this life. You can the present and the United States, or you can be a cashier s shop right, but wherever you do, you better be the best Damn Kashmir in the shop right. I want you to be the best shot cash here that there is whatever you do, you better be the best of it, and I was cool and so then, like I, don't believe you at all or private. I guess if I do end up you're very bad idea, I thought you were going down the road of a lecture my father gave me, which is he said, like don't pull yourself every mother fucker as a salesman, I'll tear white or your doctor no, no, no, no, that doctors selling
his opinion to those patient like yeah down how every single job as sales job, so you better get good at sales, no matter what line of work you end up in yeah he said, airs and asked for every see, don't fall in love with metal. I mean it was just one afternoon like you're, going to be a bad purchaser of something if you're in love with it. If you have an emotional attachment to a car, you're, no longer making a responsible decision, it's great advice. I've not followed it, but it's true yeah. I found there's pretty much an ass for every seat. Yeah. I think it backfired on my dad being that way, though, because I remember when I was like thirteen, I was living in Jersey and I wanted to go into Manhattan by myself and my parents were like no, it's not fucking happening, not a chance, so I made a power point. Presentation was a mistake. I saw thing
you for being here great lovely turn out. This is why I should be allowed to go into the city alone is because of this in this. In this The numbers emergencies December love love also exhibit a Bree who lives down the street chief thirteen to her mom. Let her go so I made a mega our point presentation and then, from that moment on, I just argued my way out of absolutely everything with my father, like. I want you to be a great business woman and I turned into a lawyer instead or something because I'm constantly arguing arguing my way out of everything with him. Did you have that kind of relationship where you were like out selling your father is most common. Relationship. I ever had my life because they got divorced. When I was three, I only saw him every other weekend. He was a drunk for the first twelve of those years. He didn't got sober, which was great, and we were sober together at one point, which was great, but he was super alpha and aggressive, and I was a burgeoning alpha aggressive
person and I did not like to be first star. I just did like to be dominated by males cuz. I had all these stepdad's that went wrong, and so yet we were a match made in hell at times, but we were, I have to admit it's so similar, it's crazy and yes, most of the things that please help me over the years have been the things about him. I hated that of learned harness a hundred percent. I just breaking that down and therapy. I was like all quarantine. I have time, let's do dad and it's funny realizing like how many qualities that you have like unintentional absorbed or inherited and qualities that you know you perhaps resent in one of your parents and somebody sent
in yourself and you're like well. I really like this about myself and then you're, like. Oh other people, might hate this about me, though you have that in perspective, that's definitely a fun one to get into yeah and now, having moved to all these schools, which again I did a handful of times not nearly as bad as you that's a rough experience. How did you do in that? I think that's definitely those in cons, the cons, Firstly, are like a lack of stability. You know a lack of reliable friends to kind of go through the process of transformation. You know what I mean: it's nice to have people as a point of reference, people have known since you are young, you watch them grow up. You can then apply that to yourself and chaos, I growing up. I was constantly confronted by new people that I didn't really understand, but there are
something really great about it in the sense that well one, it taught me not to care what anybody thought of me for a really sad reason, because I show up to a new school and be like. I don't care if anyone here likes me because I'm going to move in a year anyway, which is sad for a litte kid, but it was also great because I think it made me the way that I am as a performer today, because every time I move to a new place, I invented a new persona yeah, so whatever I didn't like about myself. I could kind of shed layer by layer every time I moved where, like you know, I'd be not, really that confident. So when I start this new school, I'm going to be confident and I'm goin to be funny, and I'm going to be outgoing everyone's going to like me. If that doesn't work, I was like very cool, try again next school, you know you got a lot of resets yeah for sure, so it teaches you how to condense your personality into this salesmanship, which is really we're getting into this. It teaches you how to condense your personality into like a really digestible and concise thing at a young age. Because if you shop somewhere new you're, not gonna, be there.
that long Syria, like I'm Ashley, Eleven I like are in this animal tests, and I like that, take it or leave it urinary like now and so so, teaches you like you're, essentially branding yourself you ve come up with a one line or on a movie poster totally worst kept secret yeah. I think my elementary school copy line. Again I mean so that's been really for me in my line of work, but it's also as loud trauma, and there too, that I value you know unpack as well, which is like spending a lot of time alone, making friends with mostly adults this year for a child to do all my friends. Were teachers growing up all ways? I said: there's some good in that, but there's some bad two by the time I was like nineteen or twenty I had felt nineteen or twenty for like ten years when you were seventeen, you had a twenty four year old boyfriend
what's like on the surface you're a little for me, I'm a little bit like who okay is a little dicey, yeah, but I imagine you maybe felt like that was the level of mature, immaturity Unita. You need that's enough as a huge mistake that young women make to assume that an older guy in you're like oh, he must leave me because I'm so mature and then you have to like years later. You look back and you're like what the hell did, that twenty four year old man have anything in common with a seventeen year old girl only look back, and you like, so ass to what was happening, Ok, you know so I say this often so I was more sit and I'll say that that the lasting impact be unless it is that you have to confront the fact that there are some people on this planet that are out to get me. Yes, Yes, not everyone is kind, not everyone's. Looking out for you.
And it's on me to figure that out so it just you gives you a different set of glasses, just very just very probably, and probably not, and I don't, of course, at the time didn't realize that transformation had happened. I move through the world very much like eighty percent of the people trying to fuck me, it's not going to happen on my watch and came to find out years later. Actually, there's probably nice people in my math was wrong yeah. So I wonder like what age were you when it occurred to you like that? Twenty four year old probably took advantage in some way. You know, I think- it was in the last couple years. I think as I'm twenty six, so you know once I kind of garden to the point of like having meaningful and fulfilling relationships with adults and adults closer to my age. I historically like an like an older sure. I always have been and it was kind of starting to get into relationships with people that were like I like know,
less than ten years older than me. You know what I mean. I really started to understand those relationships and also you know what I think had a lot to do with. It is once I started to find more professional success my desire to be sexually empowered kind of just disappeared because being professionally success is far more fulfilling than being sexually successful. Sure can we define sexually successful, like many people are attracted to want to be with you at totally really, like you know, when I was like nineteen eight. Sixteen sixteen seventeen. I was really ugly kid. I was fucking hideous and hold on one second hold on us. I'm willing to accept this, but I certainly need more information. And before we move on to how hideous and discussing you are as a child, which I'm sure you are just please ask, Monica her dating profile. The age ranges I want you
Monica was born and eighty seven, so she's thirty three. So with some questions, Monica what's age given to me well, it started forty five. I think- and I raised it and raised it and raised it, because there are people that are excluded right, like Brad Pitt was exclude. and I saw him once upon a time upon a time was like? Oh, my god, my age range cannot not include Brad Pitt, so I had to raise it to that and then we had built gates on and off like man, I would so I Okay, and I have to sometimes a big tipping point. Yes, so now and then I thought man if Ruth Bader Ginsburg was still alive. I would want to include her too so true into the eighty s yeah. I actually really can relate to that for sure. I think my favorite couple ever is Sarah Paulson and Hon tail. Oh, I know I love it
when I see them out and like you, I well, I want that for me. I want that for me for sure You know the cool thing is I have daddy issues and mommy issues. That's awesome, so I can just opportunities are really endless? Okay, so why are you ugly once your- proof. I'm in middle school, everyone else's, they sank, burgeoning womanhood happening. Like you know, everyone's are starting to become like sexual confident they come in. I I'm like sixty five pounds link for foot ten, I'm like so skinny. I need to wear a couple pairs of thermal leggings under my skinny genes just to make them fit. That's a true story. I'm like glass is, but teeth frenzy, hair sure by another thing we share her running Bucky. Please continue! Oh yeah, I was terrible. I looked like a nightmare cartoon rabbit or something over the somewhere like sophomore year, so it
alike did about a girl. Teen movie like make our contacts are straining my hair body changed. All that knows all shit, I'm hot very soon, and I started a kind of a running, a marked with my hardness being like working a scam can I get free ice cream? Can I get a better parking spot? Can I get you know and at a certain point now that I've gotten more successful? I think than this I'm just being ompleted candid here, there's a better feeling when you can walk into a room and think to yourself like I am a very, very successful person and there's a lot of things that people in this room would want to talk to me about and a lot of you know cool things I could do with people in this scenario. Instead of walking into a room and being like, I bet I could fuck anyone here, you're young. I walk you goin. I hope that that will be met. Dream. What Margaret I agree on this planet, Gunnar both seen is pretty smart were seen as funny. We trade all that
be hot like if we just my way rather have people to think the here's. My thing If you end a sentence with- and I would fuck him so you could go like oh deck, yeah he's a dumb ass and he's so selfish, but I'd fuck him. That's a big win for me, but it's okay! It's because we ve never felt valuable commented that hot yes for you now hot. You already felt like you check that box, so they want to be seen as smart and creative and funding and those that I sure, but to be fair. I think one of the best things is that I spent most of my life ugly, because I still feel like an ugly person. Okay. That helps us cause too yeah. I feel like an ugly friend. Do you ever? We have this thing too, where we look back at pictures of ourselves when we were certain we we had like, we were terribly out of shape and were ugly and I'll look back and go. That was a good look,
good. Do you have that look back and I every single year my perspective goes. I was ugly into last year, and then next year I'll go. I was ugly until last year and then the year after that I'll go who let me shave my head. I was so fucking ugly. You know what I mean, Sir ASCII ill keep going. We can't move on without because young women are listening, this, and I have them think that actually I prefer to be
now everyone we now do. We not allow people now, that's kind of actually what I was getting around to those the thing is that, like that's one of the things I talk about with, may I say my kids, my fans but lake in most of our older than made an icy. My kids, that is such a better feeling, is to feel empowered because those things that you have achieved instead of being like I'm because then you gonna, get to appoint to wear like you, don't even care that you could fuck people. I've had my heart throbbed crushes of my ultimate Life in Hollywood be like Holly. What's up, I have been like. No, maybe not, maybe not. You know what I mean, which is kind of cool you're healthier than me, because I said oh wow, yes, let's date and maybe I'll think, I'm great afterwards and then I still don't like myself, but I the really climb, the latter pretty high.
Why I went oh yeah. No one's gonna give me that, but me yeah, that's a bomber! Actually yeah, okay, good good good. You weren't just born with it once you start picking the highest people off of your bucket of your fuck bucket list and then you're like your bucket list and you're like. Oh that's, weird. I still hate myself. I should call a therapy immediate. I remember going into the bathroom of a dream: girls, home and looking at myself in the air, I'm like no man, you are still a piece of shit. Look at you! This is a great magic trick. You pulled but I'm not buying it yeah. You know you are speaking directly into my to my sole right now Good good guide handed the bathroom mirror experience multiple times, multiple, also like I've been in the bathroom mirror. Bed like. I hope something happens in you get better in the next fifteen seconds before you have to go back out there,
This is not going to cut it, so I'm not going to cut it. Have you had even like the second layer of that which is? Oh I've assessed that this person's higher status than me or better than me, and then I give them the like me and then again. Instead of that, making me feel better about myself. I then decide of their not as good as I cause. They seemed really like me. Yes no, I thought you were so cool and so smart and funny, and then he descended you're interested in me. So you must be met. to leave. You now like something must be deeply wrong with you inside. If you have decided to be attracted to me, sir, actually I'm better than
you and nothing happens now? They have been counted on more you're, very deceptive. You, because you're, a loser, kazoo like me, can literally then you're fucked insisted cycle not to shift gears to dramatically, but I do think it's interesting that you say at seventeen is when you kind of had this budding into womanhood and feeling attractive. And I'm guessing that's the worst year of your life is are among the worst years, your life. I think it was like the first act. Lady terrible year of my life, yes rates with, isn't that so called intuitive, I'm sure like zero to sixteen year like off, I felt sexy in bore interested in me. I would be so happy. I know, because I got myself into so much fucking trouble thinking. I was sexy. Oh ok, I got my sexiness was a soup
power. I was like I'm invincible. I can go live in a crack den in Brooklyn. It's fine! No one will hurt me because I'm hot wrong fucking wrong yeah, because at least before that you know, I didn't go outside and my interests were limited to like you know- and they still are, I shouldn't say that kind of consider that, like a phase that, like seven to twenty, to. Is it all kind of culminated for me? I got into a relationship with somebody who was addicted to drugs and, as a result, my currency of expressing love. but then became doing drugs with them. The idea- and I never will all the way, but I teetered with with some really dangerous situations all for the sake of this, like crazy, hot relationship in the nose like ok, cool being hard is gonna, get everyone
hell, no, I should be heart. Disease lethal and I'm gonna go back to being a fucking ugly, bookworm twelve year old inside, because it's much safer for me there. Now you also have a bad age. You do so every year, bipolar, so deeply. Also, obviously you probably had some desired to regulate your emotions with something I have a lot of empathy. for the person with an undiagnosed mental illness who's just trying to get relief from it yeah, and do you think that was tied into it yeah I mean, I think, a lot of what happens too. Is you get really anxious and you get into situations where you have no control, and at that point there is a departure that goes either one of two ways it goes into. Well, if I can have control over anything then forget ordered the other departure, which is now I'm going to new, radically attempt to control everything
everything in my life becomes a potential danger to me? I'm analyzing every person Every scenario interact with is a potential intruder or impostor or catalyst of some kind, and you can't live like that. You know sir, builds up and and builds up and builds up in for me having a mental illness and being in a relationship with an addict. Was it absolutely terrible to oh yeah once a bare arm, Barrack Storm, I'm a control free. Can I can barely control my own emotions, and now I'm trying to control the emotion a person who is not dealing with logic and reason way that I'm familiar with so now, I'm questioning my own perception of reality, because I can't control myself. I can't control them. So what Can I control and why am I even alive? What is even the point of anything you know that was about the process was like. I want to add one part, though, for people who can kind of relate to it.
me personally. Yes, I was in these situations that were physically quite threatening order, Juris, as you say, crack houses and on the surface that looks very dangerous as it is, but the fact that the drug gives you a very predictable emotional state, regardless of your surroundings
always felt like will now. In retrospect I realize I was choosing my emotional stability or what I thought was emotional stability and my and control of my emotions over my physical safety, because to me that was a trade worth making yeah yeah. I found myself in a lot of situations like that is well ultimately wish that drug becoming less. I called it. A currency infidelity in their relationship to UNESCO is kind of lake. If I dont do it with you, you're gonna go. Do it with someone else right, I probably fuck them, and I'm going to take you back anyway, because Switzerland, what we do so yeah no kind of one of those situations, and that was what I was choosing as I was choosing.
sliver of time where we could be on the same page and enjoying I'm saying that an air quotes the ivorian thing together. In a time where I knew that I would be on his good side, we are because I was partaking in the same Spirit this hand, because whenever I would refuse it was kind of manifest, as in oh, you think, you're better, then me right, it's no! I don't I'm just sober right now. She was manipulating you by the way and to feeling, like you, had to totally enable that behavior yeah. It reminds me of what we say in AA, which is alcoholics and attics. Are are megalomaniacs with inferiority complex is so that sounds perfectly That sounds like a statement he make. Oh, you think you're better than me because he feels like a piece of shit. Does it say that does not
crack yeah yeah yeah. Was it really interesting process, but what it ultimately lead to for me and in circling back to the bipolar, which was like, I had to kind of get my own shit together and stabilize my own self. one of the first steps of doing that was removing myself from a situation where there is. letter all chemical interference. I can't be baseline if I don't know what my baseline is because of drugs because of trauma because of gas lighting because of PTSD, because, as you know, in this kind of world one. So I was like okay cool I'm going to remove myself from that figure out what my baseline is and then kind of fix it from there. So I take Lexapro and I was on medicated for a really long time, but I just heard taking it like, maybe like six months ago. I think it was quarantine than I did. They literally exact same with likes approval is brought about my supper. Our answer, battered by black too proud,
No. Actually, though, I can't speak too much on it, because I have only been on it for six months, but I would literally become an ambassador for lexapro because it has changed my fucking life and before that I hadn't been medicated, since I was a teenager because I'm an artist, so I thought like if I took antidepressants and drugs and it would interfere with my creative process. Yeah you're artistic struggle stay too diffuse there. We are supported by hers skin skin. Oh, it can be a beating when you're young. I had an abundant of pimples on my nose and chin, and it was a real bummer for me. I had really bad skin too, and it was the bane of my existence. Okay. Well, let me tell you about hers. They provide access to online consultations with licensed medical providers who, if appropriate, can prescribe customizable skincare treatment made to target specific adult acne concerns.
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Marine Bukowski'S- and I was like I look. How romantic I am look at is disgusting alley. No one would want to be in and I am fucking making it look good like. I have deep Tao romanticism about it. It's so funny to say that about Bukowski, because whenever I felt terrible about my I would hold up in my house and like Red Bukowski I'd, be like I'm the same as him. So it's fine. That's right, an amazing short story and all will heavy justified a hundred per cent wow and that's how I ended up writing a book which is crazy. I also the worst part lessons that for I'll fucking work tee. I like sacks, because you don't want to subscribe to the belief that you need to be self destructive to create, but for a while if fucking worked and I look at sea
like you know, my biggest records were ones and all this stuff, and I try to write songs about being happy and like fulfilled. Unlike good and like you know, the fucking eating my vegetables and like practicing mindfulness and, like those don't go number one, the one not being abused too. So, like you know, it's crazy, how about meditating yeah it doesn't hit the same abuse just hits different. I guess for billboard. I've never had this not before, but even as you say it of course, because people that can relate to that that struggle are also trying to just feed themselves with anything that can do act themselves from those feelings I can totally relate yet and the people that are like, I guess, practicing my for us, there is not even consuming as much like they're all treadmill of meeting, something to say, shake their anxiety. Tat people who are in dark places need music people who are in good places like more productive than needing to like drown themselves song for hours at night. In what an interesting mousetrap there is not the real
ability factor. I guess you know it's funny spending, because I did think about that when I started a lax approach. I have looked back on that time. In my life, where, like I haven't showered didn't we having a blanket over my head, it's like three in morning. I've texted, like thirty people, hoping someone is awake and I'm just sitting there in someone's, hey, so why don't you start medication and unlike but then I'm gonna lose my spark? The beautiful spark covered
or like what spark you look like shit, you're, fucking, you're, not doing anything like you're. You look like well care. There is no spark like bitch fucking call your doctor. That's basically you know and also, I think, I'm making some of the best stuff that I've ever made right now, because the dark stuff doesn't disappear. It's just easier to access at an arm's length now in a way where it's not setting my whole life on fight or because I'm living in the dark stuff all the time. I'd also argue that you, really unique position to help other people who are feeling that way. First relate to them and then give some perspective on it. I think a lot of these things are just indulging. the darkness without really any, as we would say in program solution like where's the solution and so you're in a great place to be authentically related
and and also drop in some perspective solution solution, because I guess then otherwise, it's just really like making a list, like songs that are sat are just like you know, is everything: okay yeah, I think Monica yup, it's a we did it. Her notifications, just blasted us but we're good we're good we're good, I'm! So sorry, I'm using my assistance lab top and she had a notification on. I was doing a pitch for a tv show that I'm working on the other day and the fucking notifications were just going off and I'm just like sitting there getting progressively greater angrier and it's my fault. It's my computer and everyone was just being so polite about now. I have I am like I'm really sympathetic when it happens to have their people look at them like it's to come a version of an intrusive thought.
Imagine what it would be like a person as if you were talking to me- and I was just like gum. Yes, I was thinking for the next meeting buck the door like this doing that whole time yeah. So I get it now. thing. I've noticed and by the way you're the first person. I've interviewed that my daughters were really pumped about their five and seven, In all morning. We listen to haul now you're talking to me and you're, like you, can't, listen to her way, the opposite, their dad's, a one. No, no, no are you kidding, but I will say what is really cool about music now, as opposed to when I was in my twenties, is even like the song that become aware of you from what the chain smoker closer like that. One of the first signs for him is like I drink too much and it's a problem
but I'm ok, yeah, like every song prior to that like for me all the seventies and eighties Rock, is about fuck and fight for your right to party. Let's go shortly, everyone's doing that, but just what a revolution harry thing now that in music people are really telling the reality of two or at least voicing their concern, or they now in pops beset it's such a difference. Were you aware that that was a paradigm shift or that this was new? Or did it just feel? Like I'm obligated to tell my story- and this is my story- not that song in particular- but just your music also is very honest about having mental health issues and trauma and all this stuff I started noticing it when I became sensitive to it because post that really kinship I completely cleansed my life and it was like. Don't talk about drugs around me? Don't come around me with drugs. I don't want to hear songs about drugs. I'm not listening to any of this, like you know, romantic.
Stuff that stuff that I loved, when I was seventeen and are drugs are cool, was a little a little bit a content shift for me. So I started becoming more perceptive about the stuff that was on the radio and realized that, through my storytelling I I had a responsibility. I have been caused a tremendous amount of pain and had witnessed other people. Who had been in a lot of pain because of the situation, and I had seen people got arrested and people get her and I've lost friends it's about being in a relationship with an abusive attic right and then there's Aveyard, which was least go off my last album, which literally talks about someone locking me in a car fucked up and trying to drive with me in it and me going out, I'm gonna die. If I stay in this relationship is getting to a point now and reflecting and going. There was once a time where I would have fought
you to death, not anymore more. You should be sad, which was the second lead single off my last album and the hook of it is. You can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars, and I'm so glad I never had a baby with you there's multiple songs in my last album, but I think the most important thing about them is that there's a dichotomy of anger of being like you know, you have hurt me and then there's another perspective of sympathy, which is a vital component to telling that story? It's not just like. I'm selfishly angry with you, because you're diction ruined my life. It's I am sympathetic to knowing that the pain that you ve caused me does and even compared to the pain that you are causing yourself. I think some older people and by the way, I'm getting to that point where I'm getting like the people who hated the Beatles right.
Rather I catch myself and I think there is some element of older people that listen to the current music and think it sounds a little victim and not a ton of self responsibility or owners of of anyone's in things but you're doing that, and I applaud that and I think if people listen to the nuance, they'll find that I think music is a difficult thing because- It goes actually we're just taking about. Nobody was supposed to a song about a girl who that goes to whole foods and, like fucking, does yoga and she's good and she's like in therapy. She was tempted to get the cookies, but instead she got the call and she felt right so everything is good and she's going to go home and then drive ten fifteen. Now, if you know what I mean like that's my story know it's like. I think you write when you're in pain, cuz. We need to exercise all that stuff. I know for me personally, writing about stuff gives me this epiphany
I don't usually even understand what I'm writing about until I'm kind of done, writing about it and that our look back on the song and go. Oh all right. That was a sore subject came out like that I'll tell people to a blue in the face it yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine and I don't get my studio and I'll write something and listened back to envy like oh, I was harbouring A tremendous amount of resentment about that thing right, good and then you have a choice to make them. Though, do you want to sing about that resentment for the next ten years? Now I relate so much I right, because I'm out of control and it's this little zone. I can control everything in and then so often I've written about things that I didn't understand.
say say when my dad died was like. I, I should feel something I I don't going to write about it. I took three days to write about it and when I read it I was like hey I connected to all the emotions I was not connecting connecting to and then be understood it for the first time. So I really relate to you on that This is just a curiosity of mine. I'm obsessed with MAC Miller yeah. Did you ever work with MAC Miller? I never worked with him creatively, but I did know him, and that was actually a real turning point. For me, this is a terrible thing to say. I think, because it puts a positive connotation on a heinously, tragic event, but it gave me the courage and the faith to leave the relationship I was in. I was already mourning the loss of the the person that I was with it taught
You're really valuable thing just gave me that real fucking reality check that I needed, and I think it probably did the same for a lot of other people too. I feel like I know what you're saying like we ve lost in our group, several people and its heart breaking and also I get the most immense gratitude out of that's right. That's what I will do like. Yes, I'm so sad, and thank you again to remind me: that's that's where all this ends. Inevitably yeah yeah, yeah, absolutely and a lot of these people are smarter and more talented and more gifted than I am so if they come in
navigated artfully. Why would I think I could you know? I definitely agree. That was also one of the things for me too. I was lucky enough to be in a position where I was like: okay cool, I'm not ruining my life, but I never would have expected some of the people that I know and loved and lost to see them go to. Down that path, so aggressively and so rapidly. You know so I kind of recognize the spiral early and I was like all right. Well now I know so it's like not to live vicariously through someone's death, which is like a weird, paradoxical statement, but you know it kind of gave me that perspective. That's why I love MAX music, so much we're talking about writing about the bad and writing with responsibility, I think he was really really good at that yeah me too, he really was letting you in on the it's not a great struggle. This is the fact I can hear it in every song being an addict.
The struggle, and I found this girl. This will be my thing. This is going to carry out this I'm going to latch on to this. Now it's this and just you know all these life rafts, you hope, will break you out of that thing and then they generally don't. Okay. Now I just have a juicy question that I want to your book, so you you've sold a million albums, which is incredible in this current age of album sales. It just in the Eu S alone, you been stream six billion times. I mean that is just then actually didn't know that. Thank you for that. First, to tell me I'm at I'm not getting being really serious. I had no idea, here's my nosy question: can you monetize that, like do you get paid for six bill to me, some seems criminal that you would have it. Let's just say in the nineties of South South sold six billion singles. You know they be I believe our Amazon dude would be a there's, definitely a lot of work to be done in music and it's a hard conversation
to have because on one hand, I do believe that people should be compensated for their intellectual property and for their work and for sharing pieces of their life in such a way as I was, and most people when they make something they make like a tangible product and then they sell I'm selling organic matter. I am organic material. I get sick, I will die, play. I don't want to do stuff, sometimes and every two years I manifest whatever is going on in my life into a little fucking disc, and then they sell it for one thousand one hundred and ninety nine at target, and if people like it and they buy it and I'm like okay cool they like me and if they don't like it and they don't buy it, then I'm like okay, no one likes me and that's like a weird thing to experience. Yeah you're evaluated every couple years in metric. Yes, but to the same token personally, if I fight this battle, I'm fighting it for up and coming artists, because I don't
wake up and need or want anything right, never wake up and I'm a damn it. I should have so much more money. I actually have been dealing with that retroactively because, when I signed my record deal, second we're gonna go we're gonna get into my manager, the shrugged in the corner, and it was like now do whatever you know. It's really cool about what I do is that I'm so open about literally everything that happens to me and I think the greatest I have I have from that, is that if my nudes ever be like would be like there, you go last thing. That's it. You got the whole package. I've seen it you're welcome, but it's good. The every time I take a naked photograph of myself, I have a moment where I look at it and go if this send it up on the internet. Would I be okay and then I go yeah and I send so. You got to have a a layer yeah, but when I signed my record deal, I was in New York and I find like a boutique label and you know most like pop stars. Most of their deals, that's
started out with her like a couple million dollars. I signed my deal for a hundred thousand dollars, and that sounds like a lot of money to people listening probably, but in the context of making a record it's not because I have to pay for songs and production, and I also have to live and travel. You got to live in yeah a flyback furthermore la and I need clothes for interviews and a makeup artist and ral his share in like so I end up looking back on the first two years Could I look like shit mahars amass and made up his mind, but the record sounds gray in making concessions, but you know some of my peers, so my contemporaries have signed their first record deals for like three four five: six: seven million dollars. You know I sent for a hundred yeah and that's because I think in the beginning, everyone was kind of just like yeah sure she can sing she's cool, whatever, probably also they're, exploiting the fact that you had
on some popularity on self publishing on the internet. So when they're thinking anything we offer, this gal is going to be such a huge win for her poor yeah, I'm super super poor at the time and beyond poor like live out of a duffel bag. Poor also, I don't mean to criminalize the people who signed makes actually loved them and they are amazing and the reason why I am ram today at this boutique label that I initially signed to I signed before the streaming era, so my rates of my like royalties were not very great because streaming really a thing. So, all of a sudden I put out the stable Iraq and my debut record is this anomaly, because I'm not from the Disney generation, I'm not from the nickelodean generation. I was this like internet
thing that happened and there was a lot of them at the time, but none of them- and you went to number two right, I'm going to say it for you, I like to brag for you, so I went to number two yeah. It was great. I mean we sold one hundred and fifteen thousand copies of the album in the first week. That's a big kid yeah, I mean the big numbers, I'm just gonna, be completely candid and that's when everyone Oh shit, ok, which is cool. You know my album starts streaming. My debut album is double platinum, but my royal tease and everything. All my rates of consumption for those records are based on a time when streaming wasn't really lucrative. Yeah, that's that's why I wrote a book well what it forces you to do. I imagine because of the economics of streaming and whatnot, you probably love to tour, so I'm not even suggesting that, but certainly you have to tour. That's where you're going to make your living, oh yeah, yeah for sure, which is interesting thing,
consider right now. In a time when I dont know one touring is going to exist ever again. How do you manage your feelings on tour? Tore, is amazing and also the worst thing in the world to it twenty two hours of the worst I've ever fell and two hours of the best I've ever felt by absolute far. Nothing compares to being on stage, which is great and for multiple reasons for psychological and physical ones. There's you know dopamine nor pan african serotonin fuckin Russia being on stage physical element where you're like pushing yourself physically for two hours with great work out. My people get a decent, are running and share in that kind of feeling, and then there is also this amazing sense of your walking on stage in front of upwards of twenty five thousand people, and you know that every single person in the room already likes you because they thought a ticket. Your vision
insecure. I feel like if you walk into that room and you go damn all these people fucking like me enough to spend money on a fucking ticket. I feel great, you know, and I'm not gonna bore you too much. Much because I know everyone stallion same story, but you get off stage at eleven p m you're full of addressing everyone else goes to bed because they've been awake all day, you're up in a different time zone. No one, you know, is awake, you're, sitting alone on your phone scrolling through social media. Until three four five in the morning, you finally fall asleep. You wake up MID day the next day, because you have to be semi nocturnal to be awake enough to do a show at night p m, you know, maybe you he'd some food. Maybe you don't you do press you do the main greet you meet a hundred people. Every single one of them is crying for regional or a bad one. You have no idea why a new loved them with your enough. For me at least I love these people and I love spending time with them. So I am locked in I'm not just like you know, going through the motions, so I'm giving advice and hearing people stories and taking on their traumas and like yes, you know like filling up with all this stuff.
then it's like. Ok now get resting on stage you know, and then you do that you release at all and then it's the same thing over every gun. You don't see the sun, the turbo strives underground. You wake up in the dark sleep in the dark. It can be really really tough, but by the same token, if I didn't do it, I would have probably fucking killed myself by now. So we're not doing it, you know yeah yeah, no one's complaining, it's just being honest about the experience, so I yeah pressure, for I mean I always think that because I think the weirdest thing a bow and I am sure that you can a bad Gillian per cent relate to this. I still get those days where I wake up and I can look around and unlike what the fuck is going on, all yeah, yeah yeah, yeah fuck is going on. And what are you talking about? What do you mean? This is what I do, and this is my life and people care about what I have to say and they can then they impostor syndrome creeps just waiting to be exposed,
economic staring in the mirror. Looking out myself like who are you gonna, like also adopted things, I've another name so like people coming they all day long and then I'm look in the mirror like they can reach something over and over again dulled. It sounds weird like working in an area like Ashley Ashley. That's not like Ashley. I knew over and over again like, unlike awaken burden, they desperately trying to retrieve memory, he's from my life before this, because this life is so hyper stimulating, eats all of your old memories. Most people are also deserving of my undivided attention. So it's like we'll talk about creating boundaries and not like letting those things in, but I don't have a choice because they deserve it. You know someone comes in and there like a levy. Let's talk about abuse or, let's talk about you know: depression, talk about coming out to my homophobic father, like you know, whenever and you're like crying and you're holding this
and you love them more than anything in the world and you I don't want to. Let them go and you dont want to send them back out into the dangerous world. You want to know just stay with you in the meeting great we're, safe and have them, and then you know, get a minute with them, because if we do a hundred people and they each get a minute to two minutes, each us almost two to three- sometimes you now and then then go and you're like crying and quicker hope. They're gonna be ok and the next kid consented, and I give my eighteen, th birthday. I I caught in the back of a jeep. To close, it wasn't a rover but fuck. It was almost a rover and I can't afford that. Yet literally I'm like wiping tears away, I'm like fuck yeah. Let's do a shot. Never mind said: eighteen, not twenty. One fuck, like you know what I mean it's like country of animals the drinking age. Here, it's crazy. You go home and it's hard to remember what feelings are yours, because so many of your feet,
things are manufactured I'll, go home and be like. Oh, did I have a good day today or was just in a good mood, because I did ten interviews where I had to pretend to be in a good mood yeah. How would you know you're also so distracted that you don't have to deal with any of the existential crises your wrestling with mentally, because it's so distracting and so consuming there's relief in that and then when it ends it in so abruptly that now we're back to like. Oh that's right, I don't a will I know, have any unifying colleagues, like I'm, not participating in my real life yeah. This is a funny thing too, is because you do this work, so you can have out of your life and whatever, and it's like what is the life laughed, but also that's kind of why in the quarantine I like have started getting my shit together, because the beginning of the process is really hard. It was like. Oh, I have no routine. My day is not being scheduled, For for me by someone else, and I have no incentive to be productive, put on on a I- I've- no incentive at all, because no one's looking at
is like being home alone when you're a kid where, like the first week was awesome, I was like I'm going to have candy for every meal mentally speaking and then eventually you feel like shit and your leg? I desperately need desperately need control, and so you know figuring out what that means for you and you're not completely indebted to this routine, and I don't know it's really really strange thing and it's comforting for me talking to other people who live in the same way as I dont have a lot of friends who do any of the same or similar things, stimuli yeah, it's hard for someone to go and big deal and you have a nice house. I've talked about this a million times in here which is like yeah. I felt the exact same. My got all the shit and I was very low, to find out it didn't really fix anything. So then I had to go back to the drawing board and I would hope everyone would be lucky enough to experience that, and so I recognize it's a huge privilege, but also yeah. It just doesn't fix much shit yeah.
Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare this, podcast is Howard by Energizer maker of ultimate lithium, the number one longest lasting double a battery in the business. Now we trust these batteries. We trust him with our business Monica with their bows. As you know, we put them in our portable recorders and we have now offer two and a half years, there's no other battery. We would trust with that responsibility having a device that doesn't work because the battery has died is the worst thing about it. Did tv remotes, dead, flashlight, dead, computer keyboard, my most hated thing is when I'm in bed at night, I go to turn on the tv and dagnabbit, nothing now with Energizer ultimate lithium, the no number one longest lasting a battery. You don't have to worry about discovering dead devices or leaky batteries. Energizer ultimately
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Fuck it I'm gonna blow it, but it's a very similar line. I really that's what got me thinking about Mackinaw, but anyways would leave me if I could and it's a book of poems and you had always written poetry right as commensurate with certain erect me. yeah and so have you ever considered? Like oh yeah? I might put those out like for me personally, I that me, a writer. I did not think I going be an actor. I was going to try to be Bukowski, so this other side. so in the thing, but did you originally fantasize about being a writer yeah? I think so, just because again, like you know, growing up not having a lot of real life. Friends immersing yourself in books, learning all of your life lessons. I learned everything through books, like I learned about misogyny through books through books before experienced in the real world, and I learned civil disobedience, their books before experienced in the real world. I learned about sex through books like I consider myself largely fortunate to be at least remote,
sexually empowered and having like a healthy sexual perception of myself, because my first experiences with sex like a book of female right neurotic that my mom had in the house where most of my other friends, their first experience with sex, was like their creepy cousin telling them story or like porn or trauma. You know what I mean like my first consensual experiences with it was through reading a book, a book that was about female sure and powers of organization, laterally lovers or something no, it was way cooler than oh. My mom is like this fucking sick, grunge, chick she's, fucking. Awesome she's also super young, I'm twenty six, my mom's forty state goodness you just broke my heart, so I'm her, so I probably saw it. Nirvana shows honestly
but that was cool. She greeted me on that kind of music and she had all these cool fucking erotic book she's in like Atlantis more set and like Anti Defranco she's like a feminist like very cool yeah, but I always thought that I would end up a writer because it was where I felt the most confident in myself. Music was kind of an act my parents. God bless them. I love them, but they were like just completely like unaware of my existence unless they were yelling at me for being in trouble. Sure so, like I'd come home with writing that I had done and be like beat this and they would like you know, pick it up and be like yeah. That was I hand it back to me and then like he didn't even fucking, read it yeah. So I got so angry about that that I started singing. What I was writing people had to listen, oh interesting. If someone fast forward through a song of you, that's fucking, road, the are they to stare at the city case, its ground,
I d I mean literally yeah but yeah I wrote the book part of the book was like there's so much. I wanted to write and wanted to say that I didn't feel comfortable having attached to my face, he's when I sing it's coming out of my mouth and attach to me- and it's like its through the lens of all these- a preconceived notions that everybody has of me through my music and like the public's inability to like separate a character in playing and who I You know what I mean: there's a pseudo anonymity to writing. Yeah, there's a lot of shit in here that I'm fucking terrified about being out in the world. The guy talk about being molested. I talk about trauma. I talk about abuse to talk about drugs. I talk about a lot of stuff, a lot of it's like hyper sexual and people like and have an opinion of what it's like to fuck me, because I talk about what it's like to fuck me and, like you know, they're gonna be like I would like I wouldn't know
evidence of it, which is crazy, not just scrolling through my instagram pictures at two in the morning, yeah I'm kind of terrified a little bit mostly because I'm afraid of what's going to end up happening, which is like something is going to be taken out of con sure. It's going to be uploaded to like entertainment, weekly and it's going to be like Halsey comes clean about using toys yeah. You know like that. I'm worried about that. That is a bummer isn't about current media, like everything gets distilled to a headline or more accurately, like a tweet yeah. You could spend all this time in real. state on the page and it has to be reduced to something is frustrating yeah yeah, but it's will take. It doesn't matter it's for the people like who are meant to find that there is a certain group of people who are going to go out
seek a poetry book by me and if they read it and they love it, then it's for them and the people who it's not meant for aren't going to seek it. That's the healthiest perspective. I think one could have it's incredibly personal and I six stuff I could probably never get away with singing, because it's like either two depressing or who boring you know. I've tried to have that risk eleven sitting on it for a while that see. Other things to live with it, so I've been like ok cool, like what is it going to be for me when the world has this, I'm making a sound so dramatic, like I'm about to put its it's a fucking, it's a poetry, book of stuff like it's, I'm not putting up a fucking, the Magna Carta you're gonna, get everything. Because everything's gonna be fine, is vulnerable yeah. It is for me, and that's the other thing too, is just like I write all my own music and because of the perspective, people have a pop stars, and I like successful female musicians. I think People think it's bullshit that our own music, even all yeah
and all my albums, like in my backyard and a home studio that I built so this was also kind of for me to have some agency and put out a collection of stuff that I've written myself just for my fans, that they know in their heart, but the narrator, the protagonists, their subscribing to is a often take one. You know: does this helps them better build the profile of the person there listening to sing yeah is like a companion, peace, yeah, legged directors, cut halls, z p avi, I'm doing super super limited press in promotion about it. Because that's other thing is, I don't want it to become this thing where everyone psych policies, are: twenty: six year old, female publish author, like what can't she do? Oh my god! It's not that deep. I wrote some fucking columns. You know what I mean multi hyphen,
yeah, I got it. I wrote some poems I'm putting them out. I right literally everyday. This is not that big of a deal to me. It is because it's scary, but it's also like again like we said I don't think I'm Bukowski. You know it's funny, because it was a point of rough for me as I was writing, though, because a lot of it, like I said, is very sexually autonomous, very self deprecating, it's very sarcastic at times and like I really wanted to see that from a female hers, The things we just talked about is really important in the book, which is, I am constantly taking responsibility right. Most of the book is like worked out the Vienna, so that's important if you ever read fear of flying. Yes, I have you obsessed with the zip was fuck like I am. The zip was far you remember. The zip was thought that was the praise. She coined she'd have these fantasies about being on the train and she would just fuck stranger, okay, it's funny. You say that because I was actually trying to figure out where ever write
something indoor member where you're borrowing All I saw the opening of this movie. Hooper had yet twenty years, directed and wrote a movie, I'm watching Hooper just happened Oh, my god, I have almost shot for shot the beginning of Hooper and sincerely had no fucking clue, but there no way that could be a coincidence. I've actually had to start like going through some of my son. and being like. Okay, like can you think of anything that this might write? Some of might own this at one time in high school. It accidently verbatim play drives like a whole paragraph from not the liars club, but it was America right, I was probably cherry or something like that and my tshirt didn't fucking know, and then she gave it back to me. I think it was like. Probably the years later, I dug it up and was reading it. I was like what the fuck is wrong with you a little piece of shit on this, I'm about yours, the best part would be for you to
get a bad great on that plagiarism and then feel like will fuck. Now I want to prove to her she's, actually a terrible Judge of this stuff very popular book. It's almost like to call the cops and someone use bough drugs from like they kind of got you over a barrel holy shit. I've never thought of I've, actually never calling the cop. That's my new favorite metaphor: you know what it is. It's like I've had girls with boyfriends, whose boyfriends would tell me that my boyfriend cheated on me with their girlfriend and I'd be like thank you, but take that home with you figure that out from your side right, you know, and I mean yes all this as a public. Announcement right now. You ever see Kristin fucking, someone, that's fine! You guys enjoy that. I don't ever need to know that I have no interest. Doesn't interest me also, if I ever stumble into a situation where I see Kristin fucking someone I'm in the wrong
who do in public? It could be a whole exhibition. Thing could not be your fault. That's true could be at whole. Foods in a shopping. Cart sounds like she wants. to be found. Can I pitch you a really quick idea? I would love that Monica and I obsessed with getting a Trex skeleton cool and that's not enough for us, and what we want to do is rent out the rib cage and the mouth as an area to fuck in the enormous cost of one of these skeletons because they're, like thirty million dollars, yeah cabbages support Fucking will handle that don't there's gonna be some kind of mattress yeah in the root case there'll be a mattress. Gonna will build a fake t rex That is a matter as that you'll lay on the tongue. just imagine, mean and they'll be jaws of a rations mid coitus, it's gotta be exhilarating
and my question of course is: do you think you would run out to Trex? I thought you were going to ask me if I would invest on there if we get it up and running yeah. I absolutely would the great and over its very good, maybe I'll, look what's a broken adds at all your ex backing. Yeah, I'm lax approach took me to a place in my life, where I feel comfortable around the jaws of a dinosaur. Can I raise your question if it's a success, we need to open more locations. Would you consider belly of Well, I always won. My great obsessions is as a kid scene. blue whale model at this Chicago Science Centre and just I want to live inside of a carcass.
You were going to say that you're, one of your earliest memories is looking at a blue whale as a child. I'm thinking, I would fucking there a couple of years later. Listen! I did not have this idea, but it just crossed my mind and zero pressure. If I were you, I would say no, I don't want you but Do you want to read one of the bombs? Do US sharer area in anything else will be nice to me about oh gosh, maybe I'll find a short one. Oh you know what I'll do I'll give you a cute one, this one's cute It was a cute one yeah we like right, so it's called eight. The number eight, the number eight right. First of all, before we start one of my favorite numbers very stable, it's even it's two four. continue. Anderson's got eight. There was a male man, I loved ass, a little girl. He would stop at the communal. a box on the street in the center of the apartment, complex and begins,
morning mail away into a hundred and fifty different little boxes. We lived in twelve or two. I would rush from my house to great the middlemen and he would talk to ass. He worked filing away bills and cards and coupons, and he would ask me questions quiz me and give me a piece of bazooka gum for every question. I got right we spent around and crush my sneakers rocking up and down on my toes, I would call one piece of hair around my finger. While I thought of the answers, I was slide my tongue between my teeth in the windows where they were missing in between every mailbox. The male man would look at me and smile he'd, pat me on the cheek and tell me that I was a smart ass. He was a smart as any man, and I believed him because why wouldn't I I was eight, I knew the George Bush would. When the election
I know the pythagorean theorem and I had read three hundred books from the public library plus. I could draw every animal by memory and I liked him because he gave me chewing gum and he talked to me in his low voice, calm and soft, not the shrill high pitched voice that they would use them baby brother one day the didn't show up for work. I ran out and stopped in my tracks and there was a different man. There asked if my friend was sick, the impostor ignored me. The new man showed up a few days in a row. The kids in the neighborhood said that the old one. had a heart attack in a bowl of spaghetti and he died with noodles up his nose. I cried one Wednesday. I ran out to the new mailman and asked him if he had any gum and he told me to stay away from him because he didn't want to get in trouble like Charlie. I didn't know, my friend's name is Charlie and I didn't know how I
could have gotten him in trouble, so I asked my mom how you could give someone a heart attack and she rubbed her head and stretch your feet across the couch and said if he has, like they're gonna, give me one right now: and I didn't want my mom did I too so I hid in my room and I cried because I was eight and a murderer. That was thank on it yeah. Thank you. I like sharing that yeah. Of course guys. Can I tell you the cutest part is you are describing how you would put your finger in your hair and swirl and, as you were reading that you were nervously touching an area that no longer I have no hair. You would have probably been swirling at that moment that I I did not. I don't know if you remember, on Beber cut his hair for the first time. He would go like this in public, but there was no swoop, but he was so used to fixing a
So now that I have a bald head, I catch myself talking in my ear, sure sure yeah. It's like a phantom limb yeah. Am I trying to flirt with someone at like a counter, but I just look like I have a ticket and they're like. Are you good? Is everything? Okay, wow, you guys are the first people. I've ever read anything too that isn't like directly like work for me or a friend. Anderson, something why on earth- and I genuinely loved it. I also got the makowski vibes because he was a male man and so Lukowski yeah yeah, it's great where he worked in both service. Well Holly. This has been an absolute pleasure and a delight in a blast, and I thank you so much and I hope I cross pass with you in this glorious city of I hope so too. I wish we could do it again, so I might have to write another book just so. I can get back on this podcast yeah I'll, probably bump into your mom at like an AARP event or something like
luck. If you have any single friends or you know your age. Let me know I'll pass them along, but Monaco have first wag at him, but you'll definitely be on that. That's true, so much fun. What a pleasure if we do it again soon meet you, Hey and now my favorite part of the show the fact check. With my soul, mate Mama got bad men. Can I ask you a question? now when you go to apple music, now pay you with me so far yep you ever do the essentials like do the playlists option You search for an artist and then you do it I'll say like essentials. Mutton case in point is, for me Leon Essentials, ok, what a playlist
Hence the less any day made yeah and they label it essentials. And did you look palsy essentials? I should hear you should use weird bring up. We umbrageous describe my mind that its I've been plain a lot lately and I thought you'd enjoy it. I lovely on bridges me too, and I love Halsey. I love Halsey too, and I really like her as a person. Now I just like dress, vision, but now I really am. I know she was very far fought. Why be under years way older than her. Now way. Oh, my god! Yeah you couldn't help her like a little baby. We, U R her grandpa! That's why I'm an age of her parents we discovered grandpa or on the age of her grandpa. How old is she team, no she's like polyvinyl you, twenty twenty seven ray. Let me look. I'm looking. Ok she's, twenty six, twenty six
girl, so you are seven years older than her. You go to babysitter could yeah. I could have yeah when you were tending. She was three or would you be more comfortable, twelve and five yeah, maybe like thirteen and thirteen and six okay, maybe actually fourteen and open borders of that word. I didn't trust myself with those young ages. No entrusted me I was doing quite a bit of babysitting at seven yeah yeah, six and a half Carly was born. Well, I guess, if we're gonna count, that I was babysitting at eight eight yeah. Would your parents leave you guys? I don't Remember. I don't think so to more, like hung out with your brother. Barely bug.
Did you like him when he was a baby yeah? He was so cute. Oh, I don't remember if I liked him like, I can't go back in time. I don't have no idea where my head space was at, but thinking about cookies, probably probably, but he was such a cute. Could you give me a picture of? I would love to see visas queues at baby. Another white dress waking ere. He was there. He was really really wake you. I don't find it hard to believe. I showed air in the picture of you in the little white dress and he said boy via a little girl like that at home, no pit stops straight home from yeah pit stops no you'll, stop at the bar egoism, stuff for gas. You get home and you see that little bit, you know what he should maybe do is Photoshop one of his new hats. He created into a picture of himself as a base. Be that would really sir I'm telling you it's a good idea that we just came up with sharing credit You had nothing to do with it, but I'm giving you full credit fox, their that looks like Delta.
He looks a lot like delta, with her pizza to looking at. We used to with also was about two we'd say show. Is your pizza slice and she'd stay her tongue out and it was a perfect triangle? Oh my gosh, your pizza slice. She was not even one here No, she was yeah no yeah October, two thousand and fifteen yeah. She was born in thirteen. Oh, I thought. No, I thought Lincoln was thirteen, I'm sorry. She was born in fourteen exactly yeah, so she was December of fourteen, and this is October. Fifteen. We're rights issues about turn to. She turn now you're, absolutely right. This is not fast Manfred, an arm off like that, which is why they don't let em surgeons operate.
and their family members. They saw all objectivity you can tell by the amount of rubber bands on her arm, but she's, not even wanting Anyway, memory way stroll down memory. Lane fuller. You got your new facets. Oh shit, yes, idea. Yeah, are you so excited to install them? Oh my god, you're sitting outside your house market. Yes, What everything you own is on my pull your treadmill about you for your birthday two months ago. Everything it is, but it looks so. we can beautiful any use mine with the shields re terminology, any gotta admit right, no spatter its awesome. I cannot wait at an end. The thing you're in love the most about it is the touch to all, because you can walk up with your hands completely full and Intel the the force it to start running with voice. I q or you can just tap it with your elbow
turn it on, and then you don't have to sit on the plates would messy hands in turn on and get the false messy and then have to be worked on the vast. It's such a pain in the neck. This this is gonna. Save that cooking chicken situation absolutely hate. That's my most hated part reminds more stable start dry, rubbing the stake, and I get God knows what e coli all over my fingers and I don't want. I don't want to spread it so instead, a pop boom boom, just simple touch anywhere on the spout. It turns on generally my elbow. I do it and then, and it's out of preset temperature I like, and then I just wash those hands, no problem, it's glorious, I'm so excited Halsey, Halsey Ashley Number, my name.
Ashley. One thing you forgot to ask is this: is the notes session why her name is hot? Why she potassae? I know why she picked recalls, because the boy friend she had that was too old for her. She would take the Holy station to his house. or she started writing music for real yeah. I didn't know where I was do you? How do you know you're? Just in your research, yeah, yeah, yeah and I've held on to it? She took the Halsey train. Her station was Halsey that she got off of it and I think he lived on Halsey Street as well, but I know there was a station and I think there was a street and that's where she took her inspiration. This is interesting. This is in rational. Now I just if you for your name that everyone knows you as is associated with something in your pass. That may be is not healthy. I wonder,
I wonder if that's a good like I've had let's say some mum. Some lovers. I'd rather, never be with again, but I don't hold the name of their street against them like a thief. It lived on a street that had a cool name that I like that still like it. I think her situation is different than yours. I think it sounded like. Hers was extremely men up a a bit dangerous, slash, nine healthy,
Okay. Well, it's still a really cool name. It is so then you're in this pic. I like that she compartmentalize the name. I hope she did doesn't remind her when every time someone says her name, I hope it doesn't trigger Derick. I don't know the person we don't know his name. We don't want to know his name. Okay, the man with no name Voldemort Hamlet. Are you not supposed to say Hamlet out loud? I think in a theater. This is a theater of sports. This is our theater. Do you like that they call in war like the Pacific theater they refer to? What do you mean in the Pacific during World WAR Ii against Japan. They call that the Pacific theater do they call it the theater the theater. Well, they say, however, you say or theater well I didn't know because I thought maybe that's why you then mispronounce it, because they are actually saying a different word. No, no okay, so they're saying the Pacific theater yeah. I've never heard that yeah. I think it's cool
America. Why? But I do, but can I call you to production? That's for sure war, yeah what action is the biggest logistical nightmare member of the war in game of throne. I do I was about the biggest production television. I think it was in people underestimate how much of the success of war is logistics That's what I again this time. That was, as his big genius was getting supplies to where they needed to be listened to. This can book and the author, pronounce it Genghis Khan and I dont want that to be true. I gonna might be, how you say his name, Jane discarded is like Anna ANA, whose has re Anna reorder, says it ring.
So her name is Rihanna. Older people have you now: people are stuck in their ways: ya, like Rihanna, better than Rihanna. Will you just use too? I sure am speaking, of musicians, MAC Miller, building day job. You talked about a lyric from the free now most album year. That hall, these book of poems title reminded you of, but then you couldn't remember and you didn't quota applicant ass. You, like you, wanted to me see if I can think about it. Now, it's something like if you can put up with me. You can definitely by yourself or something crazy like that. Did you find it? No, oh, I thought. Maybe you knew it. Oh I'll find it right now it won't be hard. Okay. What I'm gonna do. Let me walk you through this. First, I'm gonna close this Youtube. Video
I'm going to go to apple music, and then I'm going to go to my library, I'm going to go scroll down to free nationals, only full albums, I'll, listen to all the way essentials, not essential. Its own album. Ok, now we go down to the MAC Miller's, which look. What I got out of one you can make it you make it on your man you can. it will do you can make it on your worth he's so bad society offers the best
So if anyone is interested and listening to it, it's called time and it's on the free nationals album and it's so good yeah. If you can make it with me, then you can make it on your own. It's kind of similar to that title! Isn't it I believe me. If I good guys, snarling. I dont want other people feel. I know I know, but I don't want her to feel like that. I know I don't want anyone to feel like that, but I also want people to tell their trivial there. Art is here for you all the fields. Oh boy, so we play our favorite MAC Miller, Song, yes, yeah! Let's do it we're going to get in trouble, probably, but that's all right, it's worth getting sued over. I think I'm sure you do too you again suitor I want it fairer Minnesota. They say: that's when you ve arrived in Hollywood, ok I'd! Rather not! U brethren, etc. have we already talked about. We impossibility
We have so. Your favorite word is saw me. He had some porn weren't me as an important part. you're very favorite movie is carried out I will hunt this fucking sullen is called, saw me and it samples goodwill. It's it's The simulation time this song here, that's that's right, That's no solemn challenges. Than tat touches, my never had that conservation ship in world you're always going to take the first step, because all you see is every negative thing. Ten miles on the you can do anything you want.
When I get out I've, and it's really tragic, is very very sad that he died. You you well, this is what is a tricky statements say I would probably not have discovered him had. He not died because he died until it clearly made a little kind of homage to him on his instagram, which then made me curious about him, and then he s how I found I found a meal and then I just went on the biggest MAC Miller. Rabbit whole. His arm believe alarm hook us. Why me
fact. I have I hate to say that these are from Laura said. I see I did I'm Herman's. Look does it was just right? I just wanted to see. If you can you do it will now. I can't all ok, some people can. Can you know no? No, but yes, some people in this bourbon, can't. I can isn't that shot that is shot. I think a gross boy like me would know how to do that. I would expect you to know how to burp on command yeah. I know many people who can do it. I knew kids in junior high that they would swallow a ton of air and then produce farts. What that's true, not a media it was always delayed by a while, but the filters automatic with air, so that they can have tons of arts that night. That night when there are by no editorial sleep over his boys, laid there.
Galileo. Is that something girls do actually movement, I've never seen it you have it now. Would you like me to do it for you actually We have seen a guy, do it, but I've never seen a girl. Do that partake we're going to see, obviously the worse the light there is in the room, the more spectacular the You is which what you see, which is, I always enjoy as you get flame but pop of flame, but if of a sudden it just traces. The buck crack realise how much of the air is travelling perfectly in the buck crack. As you get a perfect line, muskrat of a blue methane flame, its remit to haul something. If I had something far, seen. Now it's called like blue blue velvet fact. It's gonna be hard on. My hers me well
far less. eating, also known as pyro Flageolets flat They are very well by ruthless. Far lighting, also known as pyro flageolets, flattest ignition or fire breathing dragon is the practice of igniting the gases produced by human flageolets, often producing a flame of a blue Hugh? Hence the act being known locally as a blue angel, Blue, Dar or in Australia and Lake Titty cock. a blue flame. How about a blue Christmas is that on the one not so far on the list, we can add the word flat how whence is so embarrassing? Word it's worse than the word far by a long shot. It's weird that when the medical versions dirtier than a yeah seem withheld toast now, because it's always get the word halibut in it? If no it almost there
I do not appear yeah a bit. Toasts there used to be a popular commercial. When I was in junior high enough, do you suffer from chronic how a toast us in a few bad for the people got cast in those commercial because you have really what's. Obviously, because you know the casting director in the direct were like me up, he looks like he's, got bad breath, she's perfect or she looks like she their candidates appropriately. Ah my saw, maybe hopefully said, does anyone here really have halitus system than and then someone said yeah me and that there were no alleys there because those of you get famous for being in a halitosis commercial and then people meet you, they would be like. Oh my god, your breath is lovely like it would. It would be so nice or as if you had real chronic halitosis halitosis How does you a hell of a toast
and then you are also the phased of hell, but toes everywhere you at the airport, people public stay away from that person and then they be right to buy. Ok, what's the commercial or is it to current acts because ban, even if they didn't have how a bit how the hell with it would seem like they just took that clear and they used to have halibut toe assesses the sunset tribe pitfall of acting, but you notice the. there's there's a look for a guy with diarrhoea commercial scale, a million diarrhoea or anti diarrhoea commercials, its generally guy in like a canoe, and he's a little overweight any as a talked in shirt and it's a little messy any that assurance messy, yellow, gets a little like on talked in error it's all bag biology, tat with a really trying to viewed on you as that, his a mass and always- and he needs and anti diarrhoea medicine like about two Bismarck Pepsi today
see what else we got. I don't know Pepsi a c. Is I don't think so Antidiarrheal. I think it's mainly antidiarrheal. That's what it's called. Oh, my god, it's an antiviral diarrhea, I think it's pepto is gonna, be the main first or Bodiam bone ammonium, eighty yeah, so there's Pepsi they see in ammonia may be. Those letters must not mean any have seriously He is an ant ass. It I believe in in the same category as a Tom's or on my laptop yeah, we're really out on a illegal in here as far as getting sued because of someone is very bad diarrhea and they go get Pepcid AC and then make poop their pants in a job interview and they come after us for lost wages. They've got a cake.
Sir, come after you, because I'm I'm tears out. Oh yeah Pepsico Bismarck in ammonium, those are gonna, be the roots. You want to go further and high diarrhoea. Here now I did a science project chemistry project in tenth grade, where I investigated what was the best aunt acid? Oh, how did you used in actual acid test tube were behind? Forget the detail. I just remember that the winner at the time. Be careful at the time was my land to okay. Well, we won't say who the other competitors were Pepsi. No, this is probably a published work. It was a big deal in the You think you're a little study or peer, reviewed and published China make me feel small. You know,
I got to say about you. Can I give you a compliment sure you never have hello? It toast? Oh my god! Thank you for setting either? Do you thank you. Thank you. I've never ever smell Taliban test on you, and I'm really sympathetic to whoever's gotta medical condition. I know some of it, though, is like fuck. You you, you not break in your tongue or your diet is a mess, but then I'm sure some people are just genetically okay, but also when I went to my really awesome new dentist that I like, yes, but I might get bananas from her. She was showing me. Are you know, teaching me new techniques for brushing cause they're. Always evolving and augury worry us with some tips. You should always plaster, but also you need to brush your gums, not like. Where were you
think, you're doing really think you're, just like brushing where the gum hits the tooth, like even below that point, yeah exactly below that or above that you need to edicts the eight the dumb. Oh, my gosh, I didn't I'm not doing exactly alike I am in circles, the gum itself. Can I just gonna, come on him like an acid peel. Also she sang important to do that. Most people, don't they focus on their tongue which, as we all know, you just said, Andrea Russia forgotten my die when he heard all so brush your top, your palette to it so uncomfortable inside honourable I've. I've been doing it every day. Since you yeah it's like getting What do I want to say? It's like it's like having some aluminum oil pressed unto tee to failing it like doesn't feel natural feel secure. Touching the backside of my naval or some kind of
feels like a covert test feels like and not in the same way, but you like just like something should be up this high or something, but once you know that you're supposed to do and then you do it. You feel really healthy and good teeth. Rushing hygiene reviews any difference, no is mainly for halibut toes. I guess I didn't have it thank God, but just in case I might go and get it or just have just eat something. Then I ain't bad breath. I'm gonna give you a too bad options. I want you to pick the last year or two you're Adam Movie Theater, you can't move seeds and your seat mate, either has oh, my god. I hate this question observable bad breath or observable farts. I would pick far I think I'll pick farts tell here. Oh, I feel bad. Why? I don't feel too, because I didn't seem like me,
will know when they have held a toast because they d, I think they do. How can you because, when the quite often when I'm interacting with severe held a toast there talking the closest to my nose, anybody, like your breath, smells great you're. Never getting up on my nose like as a microphone and in Kristen to she's got great bread never up in my business, but you know occasionally, there's a co worker who you know their breath smells like is went down on a horse there. Talking to me is if we gotta keep a secret in mind years are located in my mouse, and I think what my money well. This person has no idea about their help, a toast, bright or thereof, fuckin asshole and then I don't feel bad for that was just like fuck. This is the case.
I've been dealt. I got to be able to talk yeah. So what you do is you give a nice buffer you're, not a close talker. If you have helmet toes. This is kind of. My proof is that the people who have it don't know because they're not modulating the distance that they talk to you, but some people have held the toast and they are brushing their teeth absolutely and they're using Listerine? Well again, let's not as hot there using their tongue and their palette? It's my opinion that if you use listerine you're going to be free of elatos, but I don't want to actually my dentist said: that's not true! Oh Christ, you're just getting us on the legal battle after legal She said it's not like you can address as a real axe to grind no use. She is being so informed. She saying it's not like you, can not brush your teeth or not do other things disposed to do not exploit your guns and then just
useless drain and expanding around the companion, the category and oral healthcare yeah. You know my dad's obsessed with or I'll how he is very than others. His brothers is recognized tat. While he asked four into it, and now he's very disciplined about his. Does he read everyone's knows in it were just forced? No, you doesn't pay. He takes he's he's in there for ten minutes of good for him for rushing now that you know the reigning, it's well documented Iceman way too much time sitting on the toilet cause it's kind of my time, I'm here and as I age, I imagine that may lead to an undesirable hemorrhoid. I think that commissioner condition of sitting on the toilet too long. I dont want one of those yeah, so maybe what I'll do to recapture that time is all start really gettin neurotic,
my oral health care. Then that'll buy me another fifteen minute and they're like picking around in my test. People can still talk to you while you're doing it, that's what they kind of avoid and they still talk to me while I'm taking a dump, it's just. They eventually give up. You know the smell I'm going to get quite often that's part of it. Do you think that's why alibi to like some people, they just don't want their family to talk to them, so they keep bad deterrent yeah. I don't think so. I don't think so. I do I do okay, why that's all
Transcript generated on 2020-11-19.