« Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Part 10: Monica & Jess Love Each Other with Dax & Kristen

2020-04-15 | 🔗
In Part 10: Monica and Jess love each other, M and J chat with Kristen and Dax for their final episode. The four discuss what Monica and Jess learned from the experience, how they've grown and the things they can't un-learn after this journey. Monica talks about a newfound relationship to her narrative and Jess has a growing acceptance of addiction. Dax wonders what the big take-aways have been, Kristen praises M and J's vulnerability and the four verbally "write" their relationship manuals. Monica and Jess say farewell to this adventure and hello to whatever's next.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I Monica a k, a miniature mouse. I love boys, but I don't have one and in fact I've never had one. I could probably count on two hands how many days I've been on in my entire life, and I decided it sounded. Who's that I'm just an I love boys to and in the opera. It way of Monica. I can't count on all the hands in America how many people have had sex with, and yet I still don't have a boyfriend, and I want one and I'm Dax, and I love Monica and just in so many ways they
You don't have partners, and that is a huge mystery to me because they're both incredibly attractive so fond so smart and have so much to offer. So we decided to do it was examined these unhealthy patterns and bring an experts and outsiders to help critique us. Advise us guide us pretty much Kabul shit on us so that we can find the romantic companion that we're looking for we started
thinking it was gonna, be just Q little dating challenges that we would go on and talk about and laugh about turns out. It is very hard to be vulnerable in real time in public sire, so loudly romanticize pathological wondered how much you want love God, you can't even get the sentence out. I would just eat around. It's a little self, and why do I want something? And then why have I decided to? We must put the chairman, the water, for the sharks to combat Veronica Lake. So apparently I have to join Riah sweetly legs. You don't even have a kiss a hair out any frontal lobe issues in the worship raw located what you should be doing more, serene every night bribes to uncomfortable for this. So please enjoy part ten. Our final episode Monica just love each other with tax and Kristen. We are supported by
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Jessica hand finale. We did it. Surely I do and I really can't let a huge part of my life, the last five months now started. This was our first recording. We started end of November while our end of November, and it is a brawl yeah and it has been a year me. I listen back
Those first episode than I was still bang in five or six guys a week and now you're locked in your bed, and I can't masturbate I now ninety suddenly. I can't wait to hear about that, and I want to use our gas are parental unit person and acts are here with us today are guys to wrap up this baby. As the corona thing. Do you feel, like you, had expectations for what it is going to be an encroachment interrupted that like did you feel like you're gonna, have more sense of closure at the end of ten challenges. Are that there be some concrete feeling? I think I at the beginning thought that like by the end of this work and her boyfriend, some or something be married massively chain pregnant exists, but I'm learning is just this is such
slow process and working on yourself is a slow process in you can't hope for Ex Wire z to be a result. You just have to enjoy this slow growth and we have let you think about the beginning. I was saying the other day that I've been on more dates over this six month period than I have I think in my whole life sure that's a lot of che yeah. That's what you will you and I were talking about it a little bit a couple days ago, that maybe you don't have like the emotional component, where you you feel motion like why don't know I've changed. But then, when you look on paper, a Europe actions in your deeds? You go oh no in arguably have changed and I've done a bunch of stuff I never would have done and you ve had moments were, like you notice, the hot die on the street, which is interesting. Like things have happened and we were tat into our friend on the other day whose
also dating, and she was looking at a pitcher of somebody, has that had been sent to her out of involved? Who is making up a large judgments about their per whitey- send that I can't believe it wasn't sex will a nature. No, no. I wasn't but she didn't like that. He sent it and I did it- and I was like I think at the beginning of this- I would have been in her exam same position and I would have thought like: why is everyone behaving the way they're behaving like just on edge about everything, and I saw it and I was like it's just being him and you don't have to take it, but people can't check. Who they are fundamentally bows, a big take away from me. I know I went on that virtual date a couple weeks ago and I think a type of this a little bit on last week's up so, but I went on a virtual day and was a serial monogamist and we were talking about that.
And normally those conversations would have really disrupted my equilibrium. That would have felt like. Oh, my god, I gotta then act like I've had relationships or avoid this conversation because I don't want to say that I haven't had a relationship, a serious relationship and I was just like yeah we What's that like cause, I've, never experience that. So I dont know what it feels like to be in that position and it didn't feel scary to say it just felt like yeah. Well, that's my history and there's nothing. I can do about that, but those so vulnerable view to even own it and say I'm gonna say it out loud that I dont know what that's like, and I want to ask a question yeah. I think it it was vulnerable, but it was also just and acceptance of the fact that there is no getting around the fact that I'm me and my history is my history and who ever I end up with, is gonna, want that and is going to have to be ok with it. So I have to
ok what was interesting, because it's it's so much easier to rush to judgment about people, because you think that, like you're lane is the laying of like well, I wouldn't have sent that picture. So that makes me feel funny things. Why did he do that? But if your car, to terms with the fact that you're going to ask someone to accept to you you you're all the becoming the person, it's less quick to rush to judgment of lake wider. The picture, because you're saying wait, I'm asking for this from someone that I'm enemy, like just accept me as me. I of idiots in crises I'm different a little bit and the same in many ways, but it's like you, because you're asking for your also more willing to give it yeah and willing to take it on yourself like if you want other people to accept you, you
to accept the ultimate early reminds me of so many different people who get sober and then they enter the dating world and they have that same anxiety by going to go on this day, I have to tell them when they ask for some drank, oh by the way I dont drain. Shall I have. This is gonna, be a big issue for this person and then just the more people. They say that to than you don't really give a fuck your site on during and after the irony is the more I go on these dates and the more I say to people. You know I haven't David anyone, the less topic. True, though our I'm actually going on the less. I have two then say it, because its becoming less and less true
you can't even take a goddamn, walkin fuckin LOS feelers without you bumping and all your boy calendar is with you. She went on to dates last week during this. At the beginning, the quarantine she gave to drop some Afghanistan in her apartment and then I so I'll walk you back to the house and we are walking six feet apart and then we get like twelve feet and here's a guy. She was supposed to go on a date with, but couldn't get a quarantine then now she's on another walking date with a different. Do this and you look at your mercy, lie layer. I've never experience that gambling. Citing. Can I that one this showed turned out even better than I was expecting an I had high expectations cause. I have so much confidence,
New Monica being unjust, but it turned out even better. I'm elated, with how wonderful it is just really well put together. First inform like rain from one it begins, and then you guys launching new you're. Getting this really nice mix of like these great professionals, I'm really happen that you guys reached out and again we're vulnerable and asked for how cuz there's all these great perspectives. But then it keeps coming back to you too. So there's this common thread through all that, it's just all incredible, I'm so impressed with it and I'm just really proud of both of you. So I want to say that thank you. Secondly, my curiosity is if you had to because a single biggest moment throughout this that you feel like you really fronted and now have come to accept something about yourselves like a growth moment like what months ago. How did think about yourself and in what way, the most resident thing That came out of this because I just want to add one thing.
Listening to you guys and understanding what you're, attempting of course, those are my sobriety filter, but it's so much easier was sobriety because its life or death. It's like take this person's advice. Here's an expert, they ve done. It they're telling you to do this, and if you don't you might died, where's that It's like I listened Doktor Alex talked about the Euro, unlike catch he's, giving such brilliant advice, but there's tonnage stakes for you guys to take it. It's not like your life and if you don't it's just to get something more out of life, so I just think it's harder what you guys we're doing with all that said, I'm cool what are the things that both individually do you think I'm in a hurry, each other things that the other one learn guessing gay reindeer games I mean has it it will. First of all, I do feel so grateful for the show, because it like
a your held accountable by other people we are held. Annabelle by all of our listeners. I'm so grateful for that. The giving the phone number challenge- and it is the before, and I was like. Oh my god, I didn't do it, it fell. Like. I was letting every the community. Yes, that I promised that I was going. They commit, and so I just had to do that and it's so good to be held accountable. I will get back to your question. From a few people that their like, I want to challenge given child and I hope that people pair up They say, ok for two months, we're gonna give each other challenges and we're going to hold each other accountable. So we can get what we want are learn something. Did you ever discussed the fact that you actually Marco polo me and said you didn't think you could get it done and you ask maybe we should instead
punishment or a consequence for not accomplishing the challenge, and I said absolutely not. I know you were like. No, you have to do it. I was like well, I can't it's the last day and you did it okay. So what growth yeah like what is truth. You learned about yourself that maybe you're not you can't go back now. Will every one knows I'm forty three now and I can't go back from it so sexy to be forty three I'm jealous as to so many things that should we think that learned from her to through me, which was so helpful with Monica sitting next to me, I am
took some of the advice they were giving her even more than my own. You know when Esther paralysis said to her. It doesn't matter where you are, if you're on a mountain top or eating coffee, or you know, or in a cavern or if the guy's, hot or think is not how you dont want to be there. It's always a time, even if you're eating company- I even coffee for here, even said that leading to happy are still missing. You should bubbles a book about there. Isn't that right now you're mindset is not there Doesn't matter who's in front of you? You don't want to be there and that Goblin telling her all those years you're safe need this you're going out with your friends. You know thank you goblin, but I don't need you anymore and I'm to go. Do this thing that's uncomfortable was mine blowing you know,
when Patty even said, you know patios at our most controversial see. That was thousands and thousands of comments about her up, plead the fifth and a lot of what they said. But when she told me you're a beta jes, you need to go I was an alpha as much as I thought I knew that because the three boyfriends I have had were alpha's I thought I was an alpha in the streets and beta and the bad, but I'm both sheets were you, MR greater arise, that's all heard of the problems and still make mistakes. The airline is certainly not stretch out. When she told me I'm a beta, you wanna be pursued. I pursued everyone that I have never been with the only relationships were these guys up. I was taking a back seat and and that's not wrong. You know you ve, said a million times you christian in your last five relationships, you were the alpha, I they beta. I thought I was the alpha because I have a lot of alpha tendencies Jane, but I think
in my heart in my soul I would prefer to be a beta, and I like my previous relationships. I wouldn't I've never dated anyone like ducks in my life, and I never thought I would and my pretty relationships at. Not only was I in the driver's seat, my boyfriends we're not even in the passenger seat, they were in the trunk, they were in the trunk of the relation of sharing back a hundred percent, and I was around I'll meet you there. I didn't know why it wasn't working, but it was because there was this discontent. There was this feeling of turbulence in my body, because I wasn't letting anyone else step up and take care of me and when I say Updating Dax, like you, know, we're polar opposite in, and everything about it is wonderful and everything about it is difficult, but how is by the nation and example and alpha, and I have real eyes throughout my house women, together thirteen years for almost a stolen, I M, o twelve. Oh I'm gonna have twelve and a half almost there.
In that I am so much more comfortable, leaning on an alpha and that I can still have alpha tendencies you, but that's just it. So France and I realize, like oh wow, I had been confused this whole time. And now I'm finally comfortable and I finally feel safe. I would drivers is co, dominate like there is dominant recessive and then some genes are Co. Dominance of Bacon switch back and forth, and I dont think that I'm alpha near aid per se? I think it switches a lot, but I also better relationships where I was driving about in that's not a great thing for me. Either we needed to be ho dominate ass yeah. I don't think I know I don't know these labels of like a means not to go against were passed Said but I just think. Once you box things up like Alpha Baden, I'm this and I'm this use. You can lose track of yourself because we're all off
all of the things at any given moment, and it's ok. You know like in this relationship. I prefer to be this or I'm happy to let this person take. The Lee Right is a different thing than I need someone to take over or I need to be right for all that. I heard what I wanted to hear from Patty and it helped me like. Doktor drew carbon now a polar and there's a lot of spaghetti thrown on the wall on this in the show, but I loved everything people said there is a way of seeing yourself in all of these common These people are very good at what they do. They are, I think, a big take away. I have, is we gonna wanna conflicting I advise you know like one guess would come on in save dont have said for a while, like Harry, You know your harry is dull, just having sex have sex, and then you have Dan who comes on and is like. You'd have phone sex right now, we got some conflicting advice, but I loved the same because
really made us experiment with all the different types of things and see what works for us. At the end of the day I was just thinking. Oh, there is no right answer, there is no right answer to this. There's just different avenues, indifferent things you can try and see what feels good in your own body in mind and heart, but other than that. That's all you can to Harry. Isn't the perfect right answer for every single person? Patty is not, right answer, but every single person, even Esther, isn't like you just your hair. The things that work and you leave the things that don't and it's kind of a beautiful metaphor I think- for relationships in general, which is you take the things that are happy and good, and maybe what I learned from Dan is: there is a price of admission and you to let some of those things go
I'm so glad you're saying this, because this has been my mantra about life in general for ever, and I am so at peace with receiving solicited or unsolicited advice. I love it about relationships about how I could be, and business about parenting, especially when you get into the parenting world. It's like don't give advice, do give. I need advice, don't you know, there's a whole thing, but I I am personally have found so much strengthened going. I want everything because I'm not behold. And any of it, but I want to know all the information so tell me that I should be having sex all the time. Tell me that I should not have sex for awhile. All of and then you really get to know yourself. You get to see everything and then choose what you want, but you don't you don't say like? Oh, I dont need that advice, because you might You might even need that advice to confirm that it's not the advice, Unita yeah, one of my biggest take away
was my demand. Translation. Is that a word of the word addiction. I hated that words so much and it was very hard, media here from Dax, but once it comes up over and over with different people and the way they describe the word differently? The word fizzled a bit and I came to peace with that word, a little bit more. That was probably the biggest lesson I still am not ready to get this year act or no adequate or go to a meeting or the sure that, but that was a huge take away for me of the word and making it not so scary,. Boy, even lessening the doktor Alex, go through you going back and forth from Sweden at five in not having someone to regulate your emotions with you in just recognizing like oh yeah, when you a cake with these- and you get this kind of outcome media that certainly the ingredients I was baked with idle.
Feel any real guilt about it. It's like a! U unmolested kid, and yet you have all traumas and you do this- the X Y and Z, eighty percent chance you're going to have some addictive qualities so that you can regulate you're on emotions in vain. I think you should feel compared. Do for yourself that you eat and no one helped. You learn to regulate yeah and when Monica looked at me and laughed and said, I guess me and you have to go to an Slaa meeting. My mind was: There was no way that I ever thought that meat and Monica be that similar might not have to go to me: don't go to a meaning, but doesn't matter it's that underlying. It hurts avoidance in my over sexual or so so similar, and it was just. It was like a lot like a like like when I try more like a moment known by law or both work.
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and she basically was saying you are also avoiding I'm a while avoiding you are too low and we put it in these separate cams like oh just just, runs out in yes hyper sexual and he's this and that really you're, avoiding to your avoiding intimacy in the exact same way that I'm avoiding and on really both are. They can look so different, but it's the exact same thing once small thing that I unlearn at this point is like he's it's so it was so in passing of is just a small thing that dance said he basically said like you're not gonna, be attractive to everybody, it was just talking in general and he was just like yeah you're for people and you're not for some people moved on, and I was like that goes against it. Every bone in my body is. I want to be everyone's number one. I wanna be beautiful. Everyone I wanna be perfect to everyone
I've and manipulate myself subconsciously to fit whoever's in front of me to. But from that for them, and I was like oh yeah, I guess I'm just not going to be for some people and that's ok, you're vulnerability. Talking about your wish of christian and feeling replaceable was amazing and you know I couldn't help, but do you ever think subconsciously relationship with tax and Christian is making you not want to go out and leave this really really comfortable mass. Yeah I mean I don't I don't know fits them specifically. It's just that my life feels full and happy fine good and. Yeah, like I was on the phone with my best friend two lives: far away and is by herself right now during this covered and
she had just gone through a really really intense break up before she moved in January and was really intense and she was in love with them and they broke up because she got a job and a different kind. Free and she's been dating since she got there and I ve been asked the guy has a going she's like going on AIDS and having sex and having fun but she's like yeah. I mean, let's find its volume, but I'm still hung up on his calm. Steve way. And if you so many names and then I spoke to her yesterday, she was like you now. This whole thing has really made me realize I'm I'm exhausted and I'm dad holding a space for him, and I why I want someone
but I think it so hard to say that it feels pathetic as I've avoided saying that my whole life I voted, So like. I want someone who makes me better someone who challenges me, I D want just someone there, and I still believe that, because I get annoyed with people easily. So I don't. They have just Curzon around by its really powerful to say I want some one- and I want Share this experience with a body end. It can't be that person, it can't be steed. Though I have to remove that person from the equation. So I can open up my life in in that way I relate to her- and that I do I have so much hang on that's great. It prohibits from having to sit and think do. I want someone wrote on that topic
I would play this game allowed on sats, where I try to get people their opinion on this? Now? I am of the opinion and allowed people aren't, but I am of the opinion that if you put me on a deserted island with anybody, I would love. I dont care of your allies island. Would nobody, but this person you would come to rely on the person. You'd come to have jokes with the person you'd come to see the beauty of that person when not competing with everyone else, and I just think that humans can love each other. I think we all get like up and fatigue. It's gone the grocery store is something better is, and I just think that like and we talked about it on other show, and here a bit, but like Christian, I was now what my previous two things. Where, where I wasn't thunder struck, it was different priorities at a different age and then all that others stuff that I was nervous. Wasn't there presented itself
I think a lot of people are really stuck in a quagmire of this is the right person decisions he is very, very real. As someone who's suffers from anxiety decision fatigue is so huge and then you get to a point where you can't decide and when my anxiety is super high, it will be a small decision like I cannot actually decide what to make further I can see all the ingredients. I know the people in this household. I know their dietary restrictions, I can not choose and that's, all decision, fatigue and anxiety, and I think that does definitely translate to people, because I think we underestimate how much companionship feeds our soul. Like you know, we need water, air food, but companionship is one of them, and this is not to speak to the the is that are like I just wanna, be by myself. That's also find, but for the vast majority of us, companionship is really really important and you can find it with
Anyone if you choose to invest in them area I agree, but I agree and I disagree and I have a personal problem in general, what this idea- that everyone's blankly one thing like ay feel that some relationships are deeper, and I mean this just goes into my feeling. Replaceable wrote theory. Is I idle? Why that anyone could command and be a friend or be arrive for or be you know like, and I feel that certain relationships should be and are deeper but their deeper, because you make choice to invest in someone there deeper, because both people have made the choice slightly Dax and I've made the choice to love each other through a lot of bullshit. You know of things that dislike about one another, but it it's not that I could rob
it's him with anyone. It's the I've. I've made a personal comment, men and I have enough integrity to stick to that commitment- that we're gonna work this out but even in Kelly a choice, an error and I made a choice. Kelly didn't come out of the factory designed to be monocles, perfect friend. You guys through the years have been committed to one another s, friends and then the result of that is all this special stuff that the eminent from that. You know that that. You guys have put the time. Man and you ve made the commitment to each other in their all. Special. This is really the benefits of the decision you now yeah witches huge another lesson I learns. Why are we putting confinements on these relationships? Why does this have to be called? A date was have to be called friends with benefits. Why does this have to be called out of your league? What is it you
have learned all these things that I had these compared it's for everyone, and it came tat. I had this friends with benefits guy for four years. We just had sex and never at dated, and now I'm talk, the ham and we're having you know conversations about life and I was like, oh that was a four year relationship, but because we are friends with benefits it and mean anything now relationship. This confinement, boxes. We want to put on things, they mean is. Is it huge issue and and great to learn part of its repetition in a podcast format like this, when you're talking a new people Each time you start to realize. Your narrative is almost verbatim and it's an hour. You say the same story almost verbatim every time, the each new person and after a while, it's like oh my god you're. Even I rolling it yourselves starting to say it like ugly. I will group on Georgia, and I did- and I
no one likes me about my trousers J University. These acts. That's rare yeah like were able to hear your own story in a way that you normally you can't thousand yes and it took time it afore, time. It's like we're talking about it and it feels like a big ravine. Oh yeah, hey Joe, boy you didn't like my parents worked, the dairy Oh my God is scary to say it's so intense and then, after the fourth time, your pulling your hair out trying to get through the narrative to get to the advice, but you start to realize it starts to fail The narrative starts you obeyed the more you say. It just starts the power lessons. Maybe there's invented a new form of therapy and I'm being very serious about this lake. Maybe invented a new form of therapy, which is say, you're narrative out loud to some one to the mere whatever and then say it again and then said
again and say it until you want to pew until you get so sick of it that you're like I can I can I make it any other way. My new narrative is us explaining. Why were unique to somebody and why this the steps were taken in our actions have happened because we were the victim of this unique circumstance and then a certain point you just going what every area does Josh here and I'm sure I mean it's. I know just starting to talk about my now. Ok, that's five minutes, as this is the same for me, you just start to within five minutes is keeping its end by them and we have on our chateau. You have the same thing or it's like complain about my dad and I get over it already. The guy give you lots of hugs and then you could have been worse and I do think there is a trick in that it being a different purse, you're talking to him? They are hearing for the first time, it's important for you to say it it is right there, but just an appeal,
son, all insides. No, it just starts to feel like this is so silly and you can go. I just don't want that anymore yeah I mean sometimes Dax and I we talk about when we talk to people you can tell some people are in love with their story and me when you're on the outside, and you could pick up on the fact that someone in love with their story, it's grow, you have real indulging in raises other tractor you're me anyway, when I'm privy to somebody else's another there story, and so it has been a good man. Fine glass, on our own stories and how we're sort of love with our own. How we can't be it doesn't take. Way that we ve all been through stop. It doesn't mean those things are relevant to the way we behave and all of that, but to feel like This is me because of an ex wines from my past. You just gave it a lot.
Less power it you guys because of this it took all the power away from those for hard things to say. Like I'd the dairy, an incident or like oh that's so you'd it doesn't have any fears anymore, lightning, anymore, out. The real danger of it, too, is that when you tell people that story, your presenting a theory and then you ve got to confirm that its correct. So it's like yours stuck in a loop that your destined to just confirmed, because if you dont confirm it than that story, keep telling everyone has no relevant, that's true, but its becoming uncorrected for you guys because you're getting outside your comfort zone and girl who had the dairy queen incident wooden, give her phone number two people and wooden wash sack stacks. Might I talk sexting up and not was the last sign this brain Cameron sent you still am
I'm calling you now you're gonna get your story Audubon legs right. I was just curious. The wine down like when you're there at that those peak change, cavy really wanted to be. I'm gonna make you some sandwiches and why I want to know if the wind down is similar to the actual physical and action when it why is down or when it's all, I think you should sexual stranger and see in the sea were because its you're gonna- take it to an interesting love all I don't: U cents, each other! Can I ask her, I would tell you that's a sex. Each other, Mazo, Nestor Pearl, would say, have a separate email just about sexting back and forth. Nothing about planning nothing about nothing about Scheduling nothing about time. You anyway, like the thing I
Coming up a lot with you Monica that I was curious. If you accept I believe in is what I would hope for use dislike The evaluation is that something you're considering doing less of evaluating what this is a sustainable energy, because to me yakking things that leave anything in? It just doesn't Vulcan manner I had he has made. We consider that I have to give people law girl or more of a chance or just say yes? just say yes to the date, as opposed to thinking doing. I'm gonna. Do that person to attack them. They just do it and have that our hour and a half and see if that hour an hour and a half was pleasurable. That's another thing we learned is like was moment fun and, if tat moment was fun
Maybe you can have another moment and vat moments, but maybe you can have another momentous idea like looking to the end of the law. It's gonna be my husband. Yes, I've definitely internalize that indefinitely thought like that's, not working. That's not gonna Have you own dear wanting like like taking it from fantasy to physical of, like I'm, not put a ring on anything, but I see some one. I want that you can have a perfectly consensual interaction- an experience with some one and have you like heavy, found yourself looking at anybody, whether it's a picture of someone you see or someone on the street, or we know it's hard wood you run of sanctioning the guy you phone sex stood? Yes, and yes, I think yes, I mean like there has been moments wherever there are people on this
three. I know I notice in a way that I have it. I'm not used to notice saying- and I think that came from your challenge you gave- which was giving the phone number because I had and start as that is your on these two somebody and where I may scattering landed first first volley now. I know why you're here uneasy someone of his leave your undine, where just to feel like you did something and cover sexually like leave. Your undine like red, undies hanging out of a trash can like in a bar. You know it's funny, though I was so appalled by that I was so appalled and then, when was ah my date where I was by myself wearing my set, see out there the best at the bar? I to the bathroom to p, and I was like Should I like that thought entered my brain is something
I could do put on this because weirdly and we're sexy outfit really did something. For you light. I allowed you to own your wanting a little bit of lights. Go pay. I think you'll find my cue little undies. Ash cannot just be like what vixen left the ease. I know it was a poet bathroom there. Were it wasn't a co at it was a low. It wasn't me, oh god how it would be both my bad. I got a women, so I did say: what's the point, all you have to toss them in the man's yeah yeah you and I was afraid to do that, because what, if I opened the door- and there is a man there. You throw in his face tat. You could not exhibit Allison Journeys husband because they were there at the large everyone made a big to do about it anyway,
so. Yes, I think I think it's turned on a switch of its. My eyes are a more open and it happens for giving my phone number cause. I had to find a person and I had no other option but to start looking like who can be- and I think that has lingered a bit. So that's good. Like member, we were on that. We had a shoot, we did a shoot for hello Bello and there was a guy on that shoot. Was not so not ugly envy you he gave pig is busy quivers. I have an eye. I really thought What I have noticed it before, I don't know he was so attractive. They're probably would have, but I was like aware of and kind of a lot during the day like I wonder where he is
is he gonna, isn't thereby fine? Then he laughed. I didn't see him and then I did look you're always bars which was devised that day. Then I looked up his phone number on the call show up on Instagram that I looked up is born of inequality and I thought she was right, but they said no cited here. Higher taxes autocracy, how yellow DM someone Dantes Luanda meeting how'd, you get my number that no, you gotta dm them well she's. The director she'd have the courtesy to old days because of a male director, exactly ass text, again from the call she yeah I agree, but
The minutes- and I want you do, but it is interest young and it was to be honest, it's a little fantasy, but when this fancy turn into reality, that could have turned into a reality. If I may there, but it's a fantasy. If I only if I'm thinking about him on my own and I'm looking eyes, Instagram and but eternal, the reality. If my text, WWW bi regional, could throw some men do his dams and just be lake haze stumbled under Instagram, we worked on the hollow bello shooting. I wish your balls do you want more? Employment we are supported by frame bridge. I
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they just do you have a pleasant surprise like when you walk down stairs and there's like a piece of mail that you ve been waiting for. Yes, that's experience. I had when the nice people idea sent me their new and improved plant based frozen pizza. It is so good. I really was not prepared for it, because I can I meet less began. Elbow be fine, but was so the crust is amazing. The cheese is good. I like the meat was supreme pizza. We had that when the other day with the girls and ever we just like devoured it. What do you like? A vegetable one, oh yeah, so? No dairy, no meat, no soy, no gluten frozen super easy to make. It's no wonder that Daya is a number one plant based pizza and guess who loves plant based pizzas. You last time they offered up some free pizzas for a lovely day and you jumped on it grabbing. All this pizza is almost instantly. What good news are doing it again just visit day is foods dot com Monica for a free pizza coupon while supplies last that's a d
I why a foods, dot, com, Slash, Monica and remember that guy from there was we also altogether had an incident at a restaurant where we were all together and this guy and he will go essays name. I forget what I went through the sky named. Came up, moon the verdicts you do yeah, he was so cute. He was six who drive failed on. We failed because he came up and said: I'm such a fan of the pod Castle to tell you guys, and he was chair ex very nervous and seemed so sweet was being so vulnerable and, like I don't do this, but I just it's really influence my life. I'm really happy to meet you.
And we all are jaws were on the table because of his face. The way that we bear a collective like soul, hover and we were all just not listening to him just looking at it, and then you guys shook his hand and then he walked away, and then I think all three of us were, like God, damn it. I didn't, we say, drew our single yeah. You told me to run after yes, I said: go go, go to see us as lazy still here, every single because we drop the ball, we're supposed to be wing man that deeds single, there's someone Their thing going on single anybody call you officer of. Why are we doing now? You don't know you because you're not in our relationship, does it mean you're, not hot or attractive or worthy of other people. Of course, I'm saying a dude is gorgeous Is that an ally if single is choosing to be single, Well, that was a great sex, but nothing he's obviously likes
sing. He has options. He could say you have all the action he has right, but that doesn't mean he's taking any of them. He could have great sex with beautiful women all the time and be like no. That was great sex, but nothing he obviously likes a quality podcast. Maybe you would like a quality female and maybe you and most definitely one day Monica does not. Now I was not in my Jes or Monaco, and I decided that guy's got ease, all the options I take it back My apologies by the way, What I said is if, if he's single he's got other things going on and guess what both of you have other things going on your both hot in available and when I look at you and I go you're single, but you don't wanna, be there's something else going on, because you guys have all the option that strict on seeing the exact same thing about him that I say about you too. You know when I find really interesting. Is that you too, are your talking. About all of this vulnerable staff. Two
literally millions of people you're, not data anyone your essentially dating millions of people you're in a relationship with the people who are listening to this podcast, because your practicing on Steve Vulnerable. Letty talking about your narrative being sickened by your narrative, avoid obeying changing taking in new advice. That is what our relationship is the subject Is that your struggling to do it with one person, The irony is your actually doing it with millions of people you're having an open, honest relationship. This entire community right now and I just feel that deserves some ignored meant, because that is far far harder than doing with one person sitting next to them on the couch you guys, humblest, so Much and now. I hope
that it seems like us, Our task to have to accomplish this was just one yeah yeah, that's very sweet. Thank you there's nothing more universal, then love sex and relationships, and I knew I'm going in, but I had no idea of the impact that you that you can effect black white. Ninety eighty gaze rate unite. We have nine year old, probably land yeah get renown, dna or non hearing a ton of abusing their duty of some of them. What is here they like, but it's love Sexton relationships, but it's not love Sexton relationships, its hers, so no exploration, then that is universal and underline in my ears yeah it's it's can be at sludge, it can be, but it's good ducks you and I have had some really honest discussions and vigour
pill to swallow. We can't you and I are by my, but I believe that you and I have not had much success when we talk about relationships or addiction or addiction that the fund. The root of all this is that Dax thinks you have some addiction? Yes, and after Ten episodes were in and out of talking about addiction and doktor, Alex basically said we both have some addiction. Do you think you do? I think I do I will say that I always have. I always have thought. At about myself, but I have my issue It's always been that first step that my life is not unmanageable, and I I a lot of addiction and I've learned more and more about my addiction throughout the show, yes And so yeah, I'm already so tempted up jump in Matt. I to go in a way what is unmanageable, my life is your death. Outline of man is never missing, rent, never missing work. Always pay
Bills not having parking tickets showing up on time, never being late, having good relationships being fun in bed. Meeting new people being in a good listener. Am both likeable, not an hour cyst yeah, so our people, I'm in a meaningless several of them that ran fortune five hundred companies Youtube say this about anything you can say you know you ve said this many times, I dont you you're, saying what you told not to do don't appear self. Anyone just no! No I'm not I'm saying is can design a definition of manageable idea anything you want it's a very broad word. I like manage ability. That's right, I'm busy there are people who are running the biggest companies in the world. I dont as acid and finally, I dont think success and I know you're saying I didn't miss my ran. I didn't get a parking tickets. I didn't. These were all like physical things that many people are juggling do they have to
control of being present, did they have a choice in whether they're doing something the absence of choice. Could be seen as not manageable. Yeah. I hear what you're saying and I said I don't want to see about addiction, speed, bus, but uranium in it. Just about us. It's about us growing and learning yeah on point. You said I'm just nervous turning in your leg. More of a therapy thing- and I like that is what it is. Relationships are just the output all this is going on with you adds up to what you then put out to other people, so its port to look inward. Well, that's our own personal psychology, where we're at with different addictions Ruggles Hurdles me- affairs itself in who we like why we like them, why we feel validated by those people like you divorce out any of these things is Aung San saying like every time you started talking those people without Monica without them, even knowing much about you wanted
First things they say is like being attracted to people are unavailable. I say I? U. You say that what I have said that I know you do, but what what I was saying was meat is that some people got to that before even got to tell them that, like that given who you are and what they knew about you. They would be able to predict that you're, probably attracted to people that are totally not available, and so when you recognize oh, I'm predictable too, is a kind of my humble and who do we have on, and I was like. I think it was Doktor drew's, like all my god, we're just all saw their direct a ball. It's almost embarrass you. I agree. I experience embarrassment when I recognise that I am as cliches any other person and then I just do x, Y and Z, as anyone on the outside would be able to predict and you're out of those experts you had would be able to
most of the stuff. I do I find embarrassing. I think I have so much autonomy and I'm so smart, that I think about what I choose and that I'm I had now making whore. Decisions, oh, no, I'm just making the decisions. You expect me to it. So true, but, alas habit I mean when we started as much like. You know. Just ass dad. I developed epilepsy. By the way of Real really gone on a journey, and I am so grateful tee, hurried fulfilling on the ride with me. How do you think I handled this opportunity? Did you do the job? Yes, he did it. Thanks. Man here that you did a good job, you and I are the very some more so christen. I discover the other day like I've. I work for six hours. I leave the house like when I walk in the doorway. Go thanks so much for watching the kids walls gone like a thanks for allowing me to go to work. She doesn't care she's like here.
You need to. Thank me for their end watching my own kid love language thing is embarrassingly drew like. I want verbal validate sent a lot I want to be told them a good boy and I did a good job on be seen for what I anything I do. I wanna be recognised for Christian doesn't need me to say anything chinese me to do some. So cockiness now to make her tea and its. Crazy, because I don't want anyone to make me t, because I want to be self sufficient. I think that's what's appealing about me. So in fact her lovely which makes me feel unattractive and she doesn't need my lovely well yeah that's day. So I find its way of polar bears
love languages, because your love language actually makes me feel patronized like when you come home and an say thanks for watching the kids. Unlike I don't need any one to thank me for watching my children that to me it feels almost passiveaggressive or something, but that's all I'm thinking for I'm begging you for allowing me to go. Do something I wanted to do that. I cant do feel sure ass. I know your work, but I can't get there immediately cause. It's not my love language. The same way you can't get there this way like that, we tell the story all the time but like in the beginning of our relationship when I'd say, would you give me a cup water and you were like who does this bitch think she is, but I was like, but you were. Really getting up, and I want. I want to get you a cup of water when I'm up and isn't that what we want
agreed to like I'm, not an offer that to a stranger on the street, but I offered to you, as we decided, to put a ring on a mission that a perk we get, but we just have opposite love, languages or dollar, soon returned after you, because they both sit on the couch all day long, and so can someone give me, but they also take em you, because when I give one of them a compliment, the other one says it makes me feel terrible when you give her accomplish, it makes me feel really left out and, unlike huddled undo, some earns account nobleman, but I think it's it. That's one of the things that we struggle with is that we could both do better. I know I could do way better at noticing times when I'm happy with you two exhilarated or thrilled, but just a little things you do and verbal rising them and seeing things which for doing that and I've told like a like four or five times, how impressed I am with her that she went did her own shown. It turned out so fantastic, but
how about I'm not. I know what you're saying, but it's not the same as yours. I don't need somebody is not ideal need any one to say your podcast, his good or you did a good job on the pod cat I need someone to say: oh my god, you worked so hard on that pod Cason. I see it God, that's the difference was Progress is irrelevant to sort what I'm talking about four hours. I need to know that you know that I'm doing so much work for us not for me and I needed The credit. I need a ton of credit for that, but it's not did I do a good job on the spot. Cast, let's wait a little we have our manual right now, dear Adam Grand to have had an arm chair says we should be writing. Annuals where each other cause nobody just no. Those were other people need, and his was a workplace environment but yeah in life. We should be writing manuals, so I say bad and I also say what does work
for me is one. I feel that their ultimate aims on the table. All that will never get a positive result. If there is an ultimatum on the table, I We agree that my negative is an ultimatum lake, ultimatums or threats make me feel unsafe. But what makes me feel safe and loved, is my highest value in life. Is the team like the community teams, maybe the wrong word, but the unity are try, Blake, making sure try that is working like a well oiled machine and the EC change of efforts and not necessarily words, not thank yous but yeah like as silly as if we both need a coffee
a tea in the morning, and I make your coffee and you make my tea and we exchange it that to me as one of the most loving things, even though neither of us actually went out of our way because you would have had to make your own coffee and I would have had to make my own tee- I don't need it to be sacrificial, but I do like oh I'll go in and do this for some one and then I see they ve done something. For me, physical actions of helpfulness is how I feel most loved, hard at difficult the The to my mind, was, I feel, loved invalidated? This is funny that one I feel you Nick that I have something offer that no one else can here's how may seem paralysed, and you too you in its Dems from wagon. We think we set out in the first episode. Yes, so Monica is broken these tend to be like she can provide a service for people that no one else could provide. Makes her indispensable and she won't be excluded
and I think, as you, weren't included in so many other sir goals in life. You weren't straight you weren't this and now you have red hair it's a very similar thing which is like. I need something, that's indispensable. What makes me feel scared and Lonely is abandonment, not calling me not reaching out there abandon is at the root of so much of all of us. Add the miners Zalm is- is kind of verbal praise, verbal rights at affirmation, words of affirmation. Thank you, words of affirmation, it's it's in its annoying to me that
can recognize. I grew up in a house where self sufficient see was the number one way you showed you loved. Somebody said that you weren't a dragon. Somebody does we all had so much on our play and that that was an act of love was not requiring anything from anybody. And to know that in for that. Not to remove the emotional weight of it is frustrating to to recognize that that's what's going on and I'm smart enough to know that yet generally an act of kindness to me makes me feel like I'm a dragon you and I'm showing you. I don't love you and then Firstly, you need me to do something for you. I receive, as you don't love me that you would You add value your own needs above mine and that the fact that, I still interpret them that way, even with full knowledge of the history and how flawed it is is very far training
and I wish that I could you now take a pill to resolve that, but It is physically and emotionally painful when it happened. So, first, second right and then now that you have the tools you can talk yourself, DOW, yes, anything through practice. It gets easier and remember that you're not in that household with any of those people anymore you're, in a completely new scenario where there are new components and new communicators and ever and we have a different way- that works for us, oh yeah, and I'm in the unique position where I'm also around my sister, a ton still and she has the same programming, I do until watch us fight over who makes the other person a sandwich is. Clearly insane, but there we are. We doing it here that just Little bit demoralising that you, you can't just unplug from that history. I mean, I think, that's a good luck,
and because I think, a lot of people- and we talked about this with Doktor Alex Little bit. A lot of people feel like well, I tried that and it doesn't work right round. That's not the hour. Instincts are instincts that they are thirty just a guess, forty three years old, and We're kidding ourselves if we think those are gonna go away there not. But if you get tools. When you had the instinct, you can say. Oh that's happening because this and it takes a minute. It takes a minute to say: oh that's happening, because it is ok, that's an order Ok, I'm annoyed, but that's why it's happening and then you can move forward. Many of the thing is still there. That's just we are where we are Would she said nothing but a basically a pile of old habit, and so the ignore, Man is the big when ya.
Or is it an assembly we walked to the new House yesterday in prisons, have how did this this lot get ruined on the gay said, I wonder, have that broke? How do you think it broke, and I heard you not handling the realm of our life. You're supposed to be handling slowly what my internet, that he knows a lot about metal and tools- and this is a big metal in latch, and I wonder how it broke. Do you have any insights a so we can know cause I own. The property as well. It's my domain as well. Also because you like tools and metal and more what was sweet, you're just tryin, to engage something that I would like. So I was embarrassed by my reaction to the question, but then I was proud that the rest of the walk home- I thought not. How can I prevent Chris? from same stuff, like that, I thought.
I gotta remember it's that painful I say this cupboards a fuckin mass yeah, but, but I can now having had that small inner. Soon with you and then talked it out with me and said. Sorry, I'm hearing that you think I'm not doing a good job and I was like woe. Oh oh, that's! So not my intention. I can now no that next time, when you open the medicine cabinet and the KIDS Tylenol falls out you're not saying you need to do more work, you're, just observing, something I'm what something there maybe scares you. What something in your manual that we shouldn't do to my most dangerous men, places. Had seen no and cares about mere values me and I, need anyone and that's a Jew, That's not like yours. Both brought up ultimatums, I'm not, threatening in those situations. I am sincerely saying this heard so much I'd rather be my myself. Why does it?
It goes back to a Jess was saying which is like I've determine what's appealing about me and as someone doesn't want to enjoy those aspects of me, then I dont know what the point of it is. I might have a good time. Let's have some conversations, let's unpack things. Let's have provocative opinions and theories, and that's what I think my value proposition is of no summons, not using any of what I think my value proposition is I'm not being seen for what I think is very above all about me, I mean No, it's my work to do it's do instead of waiting until I'm like I'm gonna go live by myself. I know to have the courage to point out the little arms along the way that pile up to a mountain where there are definitely things I can do that would make this marriage better. I hearing this and then I I also want to add, as a cab yacht.
Your raising children and being a good partner in whatever the businesses- and I know you don't you have those as Europe like top couple- that you want to be valued, but as just for talk in love languages like when I see you with the kids like there's, never been a stronger desire. I have for you Megan what Astor talks about like when you see your partner do acts field desire, unlike when you're taking care of the kids, handling them and playing with them. It's like a peak design, forever rhodesia bigtime big time do you really off, of course, get it's hard, it's hard and rewarding and has been such a fund journey. Thank you, everyone whose God on it with us. I've had a blast and we showed up, and I think we should be proud of
also we wanted just do a very big public. Thank you, too bomber back for our unbelievable the song we love it by moment. Alot of people were complaining at how much of an ear worm it. Yes, that's enough! Copper man, yes, we got some covers. We really did. I love you, Bob you're. The reason there is a problem. I think the only disappointment is that you guys aren't talking at the end of this. I think that's what everyone was hoping would somehow happen. Fifth pasture, I'm I feel very grateful to you and to you and to you think joining us. This journey was about loving others, and really we just learn to love ourselves, you're more than that
big, take away. We love you guys. We let I love you so much. Thank you so much money. They don't like.
Transcript generated on 2020-04-15.