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YOUR RAPIST VISITED YOU AT WORK? ft. Bridget Phetasy

2022-03-25

Corinne and Krystyna advise a recently promoted businesswoman on how to handle a dipshit, demeaning, male coworker. Then, they announce their new standing as Third Eye Blind’s favorite podcast. Their guest this week is writer, podcaster, and comedian Bridget Phetasy who takes us through several iterations of her life — some bleak and some joyful. Now, pregnant with her first child, she’s preparing to care for a new life with all she’s learned during her many. Male squeakings by Mike Coscarelli. 

CORINNE FISHER & KRYSTYNA HUTCHINSON'S COMEDY SPECIAL -- "OUR SPECIAL DAY" -- IS NOW AVAILABLE TO WATCH HERE FOR FREE:

https://www.youtube.com/guyswefcked

Follow today’s guest, Bridget Phetasy, on 

IG/Twitter: @bridgetphetasy 

Follow Corinne Fisher on Twitter/IG/TikTok: @PhilanthropyGal

(And follow Corinne's store on IG @PerfectlyCenteredStore)

www.corinnefisher.com FOR LIVE TIX

Follow Krystyna Hutchinson on Twitter/IG/TikTok: @KrystynaHutch

www.krystynahutchinson.com FOR LIVE TIX

Follow Guys We Fucked everywhere: @guyswefcked

Follow Mike Coscarelli on Twitter/IG: @MikeCoscarelli

THIS WEEK’S FEATURED MUSIC: Secret Cigarette 

Song 1- Mercy Brown 

Song 2- Vaquita

https://open.spotify.com/artist/73BvxyPWbf0fFQM2dl0yB1?si=AT2zkxCXQLynJpiC4QoktA

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Introducing Preakness. Last week in two days of music, entertainment, columnar experience and thoroughbred horse racing. Preakness stakes kick off the weekend. Friday makes one he was levity, ships and start that a musical line and feel that speech rely performances. Why marshmallow the chain, smokers and more tickets zone fail infield press that cause the excitement. Arousal final turns out of it. May twenty first, with the return Americans biggest party, the infield, this experience, Preakness may twenty eight and twenty first like never before. Welcome that guy. We raised this morning, talk about what up or, as I do and welcome new another episode guys we it's the anti sludge and impart cast anchor in Fisher, Andrews, Zena Genes
come to the shout like watched. Our special, it's corals are called it's called arson. today it on Youtube is robots outcome such guys. We find out that you in fact, do it, leave a comment like it so scratch your page These are all amazing, free things that you can do. We put a lot of heart a lot of money, now into that special and we stand by its good fuckin product. You know if I can tell you if it wasn't good yeah. I saving Argonaut with I've, including me, daily ass. My manager he's like you'd literally, never think anything you do is good and healing over his eyes do thought this was God and he was like that speaks volumes Yes, it does thing or suffer. The thing is rent the runway, damn was that coffee one year just in my mouth. I miss my mouth all the time or the ice will knock in and then the water and the flow will come to any of those ice and that but ugh ugh,
well anyway, we'll watch our special, our special thank you to duck homicide, guys we fucked without the you in flux and then, if you a luminous subscriber than you get to bonus episodes of guys we fucked per month, where current and I divulge our most personal dreams and hopes and fears and goals. and we listen to your, we read out your emails, gmail dot com, fun, we just record them on very grades So if you want any losses, sorry about last night show a gmail dot com. Make that subject mind specific edit readable. I look in the mirror now. How do I feel about this, and this one is called? How do I stop being gas lit at my dream job by the man? I replace whole kilo. Interesting first thing: do you both have inspired me to go out and you good in this world. You have done so much for women and I really don't think we can all. Thank you enough. There's no meat, I think
As much as I can, the one that got kissed on the forehead by her oral. So after her wisdom, teeth were pulled HI on a key on sweet air? I remember that or two luminary. I know it's hard work, but please continue to be the bad aspects as you are for as long as you possibly can. Ok, we'll do mean. This is my second time writing in while you say so. people off, so this is really a testament to how much you love us, and the first time was a few is back and I'm praying that you totally pass that emu up, because I was such a done up there and after overcoming that dumb bitch ray. I am writing end with a problem that I believe most women are facing, especially now. Please bear with me the backstory, as I prom it is all relevant to my current situation. Okay, on top of this crazy pandemic, twenty twenty twenty twenty one has argued.
We've been one of the most challenging years in my life I say arguably because, let's just say, my life has been a wild ride. I had open arts surgery as a baby, and my husband was diagnosed with M S and twenty seventeen to name a few of throughout all of marine pretty positive person. My marriage has seen its ups and downs, but through hard work and lots of communication which, with each other and therapy, we have we're through a bunch of shit. It will always be work, but it will always be worth it very soon. After a tonne, consideration, seven years of marriage, some of them being Iraqi and in an effort to bring some brightness and positivity into this dark and dingy world. We wanted start a family. We spoke to all our doctors went through a ton Aston we're finally giving the green light in June of twenty twenty to start trying. We we were told that it could take us up to a year to get pregnant due to my age. For God's sake, I was thirty five. It's yeah yeah reactor baby, My heart condition. My husband and I took this as an opportunity to have a little fun during the pandemic, but to everyone's surprise, it didn't take up too
here it took me a week to get pride. I guess I know a lot of people my age, I'm thirty six, who got pregnant very quickly, so done so. My doctor shade you like that, but also could take a long time so like if it's really important to you, don't wait. Fucking forever throughout this endeavor. I was working as an office manager at a pr and marketing firm and it was a pretty toxic environment. I was in an office manager I went this company there's your first mistake. The queen of overworking in its never served me in any way office manager. I handled the everyday operations of the office, but I was also given clients and served as an assistant to chew partners at the farm. I took them six years to finally promote me, had you asked and give me somewhat of a decent rice. Has you asked it was a boys club? I was constantly in a conference room full of men who would blab for hours and, in the end hand me all the work to do. Yeah seems like a good plan
honestly just do what they're doing all while I know for a fact that my male colleagues made a substantial amount more than me for the last four years of my tenure there. I did everything I could to leave, went on all kinds of interviews networks as much as I could. The only reason I stayed for so long was. I had decent benefits and no real prospects. I hold no real prospects highly then it is, I think, a good name for a bucket and benefit rubber others backs. I order is in those days was, as I had no jointly set up back in March of twenty twenty. Like most companies, we closed the office and I implemented a whole work from home plan for the company. Yes me, I did it by myself fully meeting It's functional! I continued work at home even harder than I worked in the office, him juggling clients and pretty much a virtual office. When we were told we could start a family. I knew this was the beginning of the end of my time at this company. I just didn't expect it to play out as it did throughout my pregnancy, I continued work I put in super long days, all while being a high risk pregnancy. I hear
being pregnant and the women who say they loved our ass, their minds and, throughout all the fatigue, extra doctors, appointments and all the other fun things that come with pregnancy. I worked up until the day I was she's, that's crazy! Maybe oh baby boy is born and I feel nothing. Let me tell Postpartum depression is a fucking bitch. Jumped off the stratosphere, LAS Vegas, and, oh, my god, it's crazy to have you. If you were. I just recently stayed in a room at the stratosphere and you go well if the rooms functioning like this fucking thing, on top of it, I'm going to die like wow. Is that good? Once again after hard work and a lot of leaning on my husband, this is thing: I continued to work on. Overcoming I decided to take formal
of maternity leave all its model. I was. I was literally they like, though, that's a great amount of time. This is of no it's so sad for America, South American, a great amount of my fucking therapist S, bread and cheese it's a week's but she's, but she's works. He worked on homo odds our sightly panicking about being a mom, my new demanding role and going back to work, which was justice standing but two months into my maternity leave, something wonderful happens. I get an email from a person I previously entered interviewed with a few years back for a major dot com. In the first go round. I made it to the very end of the interview process only to lose the position to someone internally, a man I was heartbroken. I spotted We remained in touch with the person I interviewed with throughout the years now, and I am so happy I did. I was a good move, in May of twenty twenty, I received an email for the aforementioned person. The email starts with a few pleasant. Congratulations
while she adds hey, I'm hiring. Might you want to your name into the heart again. What did I have to lose nothing so two months into my maternity leave there I am interviewing for what would become the greatest move in my professional career. I don't go back my previous company again? not the way I planned, but I did leave on good terms and, in July of need twenty one. I am bark on this whole new adventure, I'm a new mom, also trying to learn a new role at a me new major company. How I did I am doing it as beyond me most days. I work, while also taking care of my son, all by myself, oh yeah, oh yeah, all while bar battling this post armed aggression. That leaves me in tears on a regular basis. I haven't yours and regular basis. How does it is depressing yeah? I was honestly, I look yeah I mean hopefully eating you're getting help, but that sucks, oh did. I mention. We also bought a house moved in with my parents. While we get the house move in ready all before the clip. of twenty one June, but I can see
pull myself up and push on through throughout each of these major life events, and I try to see positive in front of my son as much as I can. This is dream job. I am now community manager rubbing one of the most diverse markets in the county My supervisor, the person I kept in touch with is now my current supervisor, this bad ass woman, who is probably the best manager. I've ever had she supportive in kind but also runs a tight ship. I'm on a team. with some amazing women and men that constantly uplift each other. We work as a team and help each other. Whenever we can, I can't begin to tell you how refreshing this is. There's just one issue, and so I was reading this like back thing, okay It's just one issue. The previous person that was in my role is still at the company, but across the country and at first he was agree resource but suddenly shifted and slowly but surely he began DAS me. He would constantly chat with me to quote, give
to be really mansplain things on a regular basis and several times he would speak to potential people. I might be working. explained to me: It should needs to be done. There are many more examples, but I'm trying to be as vague as possible after confiding in one of my co workers, I was validated validated that this was happening, and apparently this has been an honour. The problem. He is in no way my superior at this company and I will not go through what I've been through at my previous company. If there is one thing I've learned it's that I have to start standing up for myself. Yes, the problem is, I don't know how, in this scenario, tell the fucking manager yeah. I brought this to my supervisor's attention and she did not like it one bit, but I'm not sure how much she can do talk to the guy she's already on your side, so that's re it's really is my dream job. I'm able to support a community. I care about deeply, especially during these tough times. I quickly excelled in this role without the help of my predecessor, because I am awesome at what I do and as someone who has been the
send before at a certain point like that person who left the job is for Tired of hearing from the news person has nothing to do with jealousy it's just like. I left that job I don't want to continuously like hold your hand through it right. I know now this because I am being encouraged rather than being pushed down by my work environment, good, I'm constantly finding new ways to work with and Pios, and I'm able to bring awareness to social issues through my work. I just wish. I didn't have this hindrance, and if this is happening to me, how many more women is it happening to across the country? How are we ever supposed to reach her potential if we are constantly being cut down. How do we owe come, as I mean you're, I think I'll make it this way, a larger problem. There I mean, I think, just say like this- is probably having lots of offices on your right, probably fuck in it. But we have you got to say, but you gotta say something to this: guy fuckin keep is going to do it he's animal definite glitter in a fuckin car? Why don't you just stop the train step on the brakes? go hey! Well, oh, oh, oh wow! You keep give me unsolicited advice here and that needs to stop
would you that's all you say he's not even in office. Just blocking yeah even a handsome ass, some power, like maybe as a power thing, which ok, whatever it's. That has nothing to do with you, but just tell him that somewhere else you're not interested yeah. I mean you don't as women we got it. We can't, I feel, like we can't just say like being treated disrespectfully then what are the next steps to take Something about you told manager great. She was on your side and that's another great thing, because so often the person that you tell doesn't give a shit and it's wonderful that that she does care and you're right. She only has you know x amount of power. If you have, you can write up it formal complaint. a screenshot, these kind of interactions that you're having with this person? It's very easy to prove to prove it, because it's all in fucking writing because he's not even in the same office and after that, you safe you. You know very shortly say to him the next time he approaches you think. So
been on it. This is my position now and I'm going to do it, how I see fit, which might not be the same way that you read it. Thank you so much for your time have a great day and then you block blossom Haven't I don't got yet. We are, why think as women we have to get better at managing our own reactions to men who talk down to us. I wonder because I will if that has something that has a plays a part in it. Yeah you're worried about coming off as a bitch. Don't worry Brian yeah, you don't hear what I mean. What the what? Why is this guy? Still, contacting her, because I mean the agony for no Resolve Stella Times in our work environment. You do have you do end up talking to the person who previously held your position, that is normal, but number one. There has to be a timeline for one that ends for both parties. To tell how you doin by that yeah. No, I mean he obviously leg loves it or something, but like Russia's just yet. At the boundary you stick by the boundary and if he continues to contact you, you fucking block him and you have you have every
If the company has a problem with your balking him, you have every right to do that. You ve talked to your mouth. You ve reported it's your manager, you ve already put it HR complaint dot com, especially in two thousand and twenty two should be far more worried about this guy fucking with you than you hurting the feelings. Trust me it's in their best fiscal interests to make sure you feel good, yeah, so you're doing a great job, you're, absolutely killing it and just focus on that lake. No job is going to come without with no fuckin hindrance. His name is absolutely perfect, but it seems like this. Really great ends is just taking energy out of your day that doesn't need to worry about its founders, poor No, no one. You know he's said to you and me out of your room yeah this week. Only at a mattress warehouse president's day sale save up. Eight hundred dollars on you love. You can a greater justice adjustable base for free,
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Thirty day money back guarantee it's carbine buying reimagined, Carmex thirty day, fifteen hundred mile limit see Carmax dot com for details. Guy comes the as lie: Baltimore Maryland, em had lighting Mugabe's March twenty. Fourth of the twenty six London okay, I'm going be in you, may twelfth Dublin may thirteenth, the voices and our heads. My solo podcast is available. New episodes are only on patriarch dot com, Slash Christina Hutchinson, and for Hans Colorado April, fifteen and sixteenth I'll be other comedy for four of four shows total like. I mentioned. A lot of people have already bought tickets to that, because it's only like an hour outside Denver. Very close, it's basically a suburb of Denver. I'm going to call it So, if you want to get a ticket to that, get a ticket asap the It is in the link tree link in my bio Unanswered and which is at last to beguile. The link is also outcry:
the dot com they updated. My website look at me go and then you can without a country which is my political news pie CAS with Shane Smith, who you ve heard here. Is the guy I fucked, but that is every Saturday. It comes out on all platforms as well as full video on Youtube and it's fun It is a fun we taken the news, and I know sometimes you know the news as it is interesting as one I'm wearing are what lips are called color I have on, but I do I recommend that like knowing a little bit, and even if it's not for me, that's how that's how much I think it's important to know about what's going on in the world. Even if you just read the regular news. Just please know a little bit about. What's going on, I wrote last week and he was out of town and actually did in a whole episode about you. In and Russia to break it because I'm learning along with you guys. This is not. This is not something where I'm an expert. It's like the show where you write it in and we're like yeah we gotcha, and it's like I
fucking fumbling, in trying to learn what words. Territories and why people are in wars along with you I haven't I may I will you do yes, but I it's It's a good way to learn and be informed instead of just I think these days. People want to be informed, but they do want to take the time. So, though, just kind of take these are really hard stances, but have nothing to back it up with, and that makes us all look like fucking, So let's not do that, but that's without a country podcasts and keep reading and reviewing guys we fucked podcast on Apple podcasts. I saw so many amazing reviews come in a couple of ones, but whatever mostly good wines- and you know you can leave whatever kind of review you want. The reviews really fucking help keep us up on the charts. It's not just like listener ship there's a lot of random. that goes into those apple, podcast charts, but one thing for sure is when you leave her view. Its super duper helpful for us. So if you ve been looking for a long time and haven't done it,
I pleased you that we see the new ones coming in and we appreciate them so so much. I don't think we will look at that as career Doug then falls on social media, where at guys we fucked on all platforms with out the? U and fucked watch our special day on Youtube dot com, slash guys we fucked, you can also the dumb bitch will out with a free service. So much content, I'm Aren t talk guys. We fucked you in fact our rights, the meaning of time. Speaking of tech talks, big. Did you upload that to talk to you a beep, no, no, no, no, no heat on Tiktok, but yeah. Let's all write a lot of third eye blind fans. That year Steven Jenkins man lead singer, still alive
was one where we talked about. Stephen Jenkins ends: you know telling our listeners cigarette out a toxic relationships, but then wanting to fuck that shit at him. and yeah, and then he is intrigued so I'll. Take it that's a little. That's above If amused, that's what he said. He said he is in trade. Steven Jenkins personally commented on Christina's of page, and then I penned at an higher and- and I was like Corinne what
say back. I can't ruin this world Christina was walking through the forest, so she didn't even drive a couple hours fucking texting her I'm texting my gm like we had a whole long conversation about. I was moments away from me from telling everyone on Instagram keep tagging you until you respond cause. I was like fuck, you know this is out in the Woods stone, looking at trees and then and then third eye blind, the official band page reposted it and he called us their favorite podcast. Her goal goalies then go and update the bio you will on the guy's Instagram page. I have officially named as third eye blind favorite podcasts a day arrived by the that everyone yeah I
Two things in this career that will make us how, because I never ones like they're, very specific, no one's impress they set for us yeah that'll care, but we're riots worse, some right wrong. I then primary hold a few until he is our aim after nice. It's our age, it's like their diet. The guy is featuring from Portland outside unitary bra line is, of course, unlike Stephen, Jane in the treaty that I want to have a thorough. Like twenty. You probably don't care about thirty or so Thirty six, I would say twenty eight to forty five you're, okay, yeah yeah, because we're at that concert there was a. There were gaps in eight. There was a lot of age and then in four, like ok, yeah hurries he's like a prick or whenever Ok, alright, you know that's we heard Steven. You're listening, don't get, but also that person, but also a very famous mental this council yeah yeah, I know and a high to be approved. I know.
I had asked the prince a prick that I could work with you. I mean I'm Sayin ere. She is ok, actually whose no I hurried down I go I was I was. I was like getting ready for bed last night, just laughing. Unlike the patterns, the patterns that I personally repeat and expressed I often are so obvious, where I'm like, literally in my apartment, like how can I get Steve Jenkins, linked Palma with me, and I'm like Christina no stop back away from the toxic, and so jack up. How do I will a famous person who will definitely ruin my life like a fun way that I don't think you can ruin my life in a fun sexy way. I said that that was that was my fate famous last words before the James and since that incident never say never yeah CMU, and now he didn't. He didn't dm me, but I said I was asking for and what I should say back to him and
I can I'll be flirty whatever I I and I said I have you're in the market for amuse hit me up and I put the wet sign. When emerging like I'm wet, when I think about answer that cycling at one the comment has a smell like sex work and others don't have a lot of time was so we don't know when using it bore his famous busy man, you gotta get. Oh yeah, that's gone, tore yap, I didn't hook on, but you know what the army, you initially, where yeah from Adam and afforded Elles from the concert and just like all any any right away it was like I vocally was off that show because I could tell he was singing an octave lower, but I was like it's ok, it's sunk and whenever I'm with him,
well it's good that he felt insecure enough with you to share that with yeah. You better be on your toes bit share. That's how you lower your toes bitch again, if you know, if we're going to enter a toxic relationship anyway, let's stick know percent, always start a toxic relationship or the ability yeah, it's crowded, then take a rat put it in the crack. That's how you make someone love you yeah! Ok, I see how that could be a long term plan. There's two ways to make people fall in love, what they're both going to work, but one is going to be toxic and one is not going to be toxic so and the toxic one can be fun. It's different if you're just looking for an end result. Right right right and you know I've been I've gotten interrelationship where I knew exactly how it was going. and I know we don't ever know all all up but I would say I dont know how our relations are a thief Stephen, because we have an energy.
but I'm a. Let me tell you something we do. Take that magical carpet ride to somewhere toxic and and it's going to be fun. So call me God at all. Are you all our younger listeners are like what the fuck is going third eye blind? What's the radio I do also. I just realized If you ever want to say anything, have me sing it because it will be so off key that it won't be, copyright issue in chat here right, I don't know and no one's going to be like that was my song cause like it's not going to sound like a song, will sound like a song yeah yeah. So I don't know where to go from here, but You know we'll figure it out,
His tour calendar next time he's going to be in the metro area. Quite literally, that's where you're going to go yeah well, they're, they're touring it's like have I not that I have a long way from the Qur'An you'll burn you're talking to an expert, I actually almost texted the Dan burn asking me advice on sea regions, for you that's how I was going to get into, because I was like Dan like what you as a musician wow and he liked girls on the internet to studio work as well. For me, I've got you. You know the early preserved and noted that the anthem areas so maybe now host holes cheer. You know his tricks from road with me why it doesn't matter anymore right rang by those that noise married another, nothing matters, but here's the thing you know life's boring each is going up now. You know that part of your life homes only Jersey then,
so we all got scared. Wig Lincoln's was at the door yeah, but here's the thing, here's the thing I want I want, like I'm gonna like go back state you mean like out. If I want to go to the concert you gonna be like treated spun, nothing, look it up to buy tickets. Christine older, thank Yous Europe here, and I don't want to buy tat you're, not thinking big, remember what the right you see. What I have said to us that I would cite in big might happen to Europe as a whole. Other episode guys will go towards Europe, but does that's a whole other thing so yet no I'm seeing you mean look when he's going to be in the Tri state area. That's when you hit him up again, touring people and busy people. There's no point like if he's going to be in Colorado, there's no Yulia hitting him up because he's going to forget this and be distance, he's going to be in your vicinity very close to that date. What's up Steve, you hit em up and see that's how he knows you're in New York. So this is how he connects okay, that they know he knows he knows what you're doing
right now he can facilitate these elderly coal dm! You like, hey, drawn down. You know right right, right or maybe is and then that's a railroad via end, and I will learn viable if you reach out like that, I'm not gonna like you knobs getting no inviting. I might do it. Just you and me under late. You look like shit said. I you wanna fuck. How old are you? Can I come? Your guns are he's a sea without being only very buzz? It's? U older! Guy body. Was you it's good yea. Doesn't you expecting great yeah doesn't look great, though in conversation. Johnny Razek this logo, though he looked up having a conversation about like third blind, and we were talking about matchbox with regard to how do you make for it, and I both separately long, John Resnick bad he soon he looks nice, obviously or Google Jaws
Maybe these latter backed blood. I will explode omens. Liberia we had to take down all the mirrors allows was dry like Isley Wendy. I think it may in makes me so sad, because I believe that much plastic surgery, as as I can see Miss person, it's kind of just like bitterly I'll go back, and there was also a just shows like God why our and your looks are given Stephen we may look. I hope that he got a nice settlement out of that malpractice. Sergeant, isn't bad John Resnick next week on Pakistan, sly, new another's doctors office for poor rockstar did someone left wondering my favorite apple well. I reviews this week was that our podcast brings negative energy and we're just so mean, and we always talk about how they hate people I got. Thank you. Somebody get a girl.
After girl, as you'd like I just can't stop listening anymore. I just can't listen anymore and I was like well number one like you had to to listen to get the negative energy to rectify that by leaving a negative comment, I'm going to get this negative yeah, I'm going to be negative on the fee made me laugh so fucking, I'm going to put negativity into the world, my potato, it's a game of hot potato guy and made me laugh it made me laugh. So thank you. Okay, yeah! This week's gas is six guess this week's guest ok I'll sheet. This was what lovely conversation that many years in the making she's a stand: a comedian she's, a writer and she's a pike has and gentlemen, please welcome to the show fantasy
the
The timing is online and delivered where you are just like this radio at one and no one else is delivered. Where you are, will give you a hint it shiny, has a hawk and comes with special features that you get to personally pick up like leather cloth, son, roofer, moon, roof or four wheel drive resolve will drive a car. A car max car by online, get it delivered to you. It's carbine. We imagined car max available than a sickly. Mauritius, select stores, see comex dot com for details. Some restrictions apply historical trading markets. Just don't come around that often exactly it's a once in a lifetime thing, and you know we look. At the way I see and then than the nineties dot com. With announced back I'm going to this This is a new market. This brain for sea of humble in house, in the new information package as recent The company were saying interest in blocking mobile payments, ticketing enough, tease and more
faster than ever, and what we call the digital economy along with high profile gas from the world of pro sports, music, entertainment and other. If we talk about how technologies like blockchain world hours in the decade ahead. All of us in the digital economy, only an obligation. Hey you know you need protein to keep your body going. They get When you're on the go that, a challenge will, let me tell you about power. Crunch power crunch is a waiver protein bar. it tastes, amazing and packs a serious punch. They are light, crunchy, tasty and filled with protein, so you can fill up without the guilt power crunch bars are the perfect snack for any occasion whether it's breakfast the girl or before or after your workout, and they even have power crunch kids, same great taste in fun. Kid approved flavors, like birthday,
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seconds, maybe ten seconds, but that was a long time very intimacy. I intimacy, I to say intimacy is creepy. It just read me out and aid, and I really have come a long way in that department from many years of really being able to handle egg doggie, because I'm coming out of the God, it's always so interesting how sex is the most physically, but you will ever get with another human being and yet it's where we climb up the moments like we're just like don't if, if you do have intimacy, issues toting tends towards review. The wonder I don't have to make. I got so if any cause, I'm like, I'm actually totally find during sex as the only time when I'm comfortable being like vulnerable is drawings, and so that's why I feel I have to have a lot of that because, as the only place I was getting like my intimacy fill and I felt a comfortably, unlike on by
I standards and not by my own rules was then yeah I had So I came in TAT I had so I mean man, dangling have. This is the probably first true healthy sexual an intimate relationship. I've ever had in my life, just like a really holistic or what well rounded way, and I think untangling, some of this stuff, had scored it into my brain, which sounds build walls around I feel like I just have I mean I had so much guilt around sex. So much I thought I was gonna get AIDS, it's hard to say. I'm gonna have to accept and I'm gonna get AIDS really worried, hold
well basically, that you shouldn't have sex before you get married and that you shouldn't have sex or that you know, if you have sex you are, I mean not saying that you're but when you're that little. But it's like that's the implication that you don't want to be a girl, that's easy or worn out or yeah yeah. And there is a lot of weird nudity. What about what about it. Just like that, you know you can't be a proper lady and don't don't like show you're too much of your boobs, and don't I mean I I rage against so much of this stuff through most of my life and my and my twenties literally when was fed to you did you know it was wrong No, I mean I was so little and like Private Catholic,
RO school on second grade with nines and how are the not an there? Were none you know I mean nuns are representative of like that: Chast it now untouchable, yeah and they're, always cranky, and I'm like yeah it's because they haven't gotten any dick or pussy or whatever they wherever they like. I'm like sex is a physiological need for a reason. It's a life of going without, like that's kind of what it is like you're, going without in honor and service of God, but we could at that that wants me to fuck my mom, the Catholic School, where they still allowed to hit you with rulers when you want, or now not real guy. Even ain't gonna die, unlike convince me not to be left handed for a minute. My parents were alike. Now. Suddenly we had got so just advertising. You, yeah, and I was I think that that was the first stuff that
really. I look at that's in so deep. It's like that, a factory setting right. And then there was just a lot of them. It's a that. I think I grew up with from my mom about like you, don't want to be easy, a guy won't respect you you are you don't want to be like you want to save yourself so that you can give your flower to a man who deserves Ed and as much as I understand that perspective. It's it's like we're too. game briefly about on are, alas, Pike ass. I think that there is like a transactional nature of that that I've bed is again a little bed in the Essen, some Wyatt its leg between the lines that lower than that jazz yeah I got fucked up when I found out Santa, wasn't real and but then
I think, about a child learning from her mother that her virginity is. What is is, is valuable, makes us stronger impression than her character and who she is. That is something else years of unravelling, like you said that he had undoing and think, like my My mom would come into my room and be like at like three in the morning and asked me if I had had like sex. Yet when I was t, why that's descend, let's violated out, is not nor. Why was it at three in the morning wishes? I try to catch you when you return, you accept where none, so, I think I'll tear geisha intact, while my man, my mom ass, if I was still a virgin outer restaurants when I could like couldn't leave anywhere and then I told her I have had sex and she got up and left When I was like damn I and we weren't religious at all, so it's like it's, but it's fox, like the messages that you are told, what, whether it's directly or you know, through your mom's actions or through your parents or churches,
they're, really strong yeah and then right after I got drew, I was date raped what happened and we were in the car, to the lake I'm such a just like after school special basic badge, but it was right at the height of this kind of coming in the stream, because Oprah started talking about it like the did they re DR yeah feed in there. something on the radio and my sister. My little sister knew something was wrong. She was not that much younger than me, but old enough to kind of be aware and and dairy they were talking about the date rape, drug and my mom, just as an aside was leg. If any of my daughter's got rape, while they are drinking, I would say they deserved at all. She was really she. She was really against. Like us drinking to all. My father has a very leg, alcoholic kind of drunken big
his family, they were divorced. There was a lot of resentment there, so I think it might have just been like a statement more on drinking I am either way that it was literally a day or two after it happened and that I just like shut down. Would you ever said anything so was this. When was this the first experience? I don't want to call it a sexual experience, rape, but like it was this the first time that you that you that another person was sexual with You know I lost my virginity to my frickin thirty year old manager at a restaurant. When I was like sixteen- the when I visit that we ain't way back to that that had been fired. Ok, where we work and there was a restaurant in Minnesota,
I was the one who is definitely pursuing him. So I don't say that he was like the predator and this bright. I was definitely I would Were them, and I would I was like sixteen that's why I like the me to stuff always kind of messed me up, because I I obviously have like daddy issues. I have very, and since I have a very insane had whatever the insane said, father and mother was kind of out of the picture. So I was like the again be like basic badge, daddy issues, while you're looking for somewhere yeah and I also was really the things that I did learn whence I started becoming sexual nature. And I didn't lose lose my okay. So I seventeen I didn't lose. My virginity was seventeen, but I was that Catholic like School, all who hang gave may first blow. Job. When I was like four
in the area is my way of life. He rebelling avoided so rat and rebelling. Yet we will never dickie around whether you realistic, as usual younger, not like totally, and I also it's so fire, like very rarely oak, openly talk about this stuff anymore, which is weird because like all I love talking about forever and I think what I realize too was then how you can like weapon ice, actuality, yeah and once look bad and that our like your sex is valley. as like- your sex is powerful and. And allow young Wayne really addicted to leg. Seducing man, yeah yeah, cause if you felt powerless growing up through all these oppressive ways. It you were raised and then you as oh, I got something somebody wants. Oh, let's dance in this, let's
SK in this and then no one's around to go. This is how you manage power. Life is all about managing power, various stages with everybody, whether its sexual family or or not, and so it is in toxic hating. When you go, I got somethin, someone wants and then the sneaking s and feeling like I never really. Fellow guy belonged in high school. I always felt awkward and I do like all my girlfriends had like their high school boyfriends. I moved alive and I did the older guys and then this this one in particular. So there is that, at that aspect of just like being sneaky that came along with that- that was intoxicated at that age, did you like or try to seduce him that does this older boss? You, I did and then eventually he caved like when I was seventeen we ended up. I lost my virginity to him and then we had like legacy
relationship for a while, really, okay, how how what tactics did you did young? You use I think I just to war while because then I started hostess since I got to where Q clothes and darted not lagging summers like a bus, her up and huge restaurant I had to leg empty, every garv resemblance of cheese, US benighted language living in Minnesota. Before leg work, are they doing this job? It was just so fifteen year old girl and I had have de Alba Alba, like recycling ass, a my I once they're so tiny. I was like a big o, my god, restaurant and He was like a manager and a waiter, and he was- and I would just I don't know it just
Was he married or in a relationship now that a kid from another relationship? Okay and the high was around the age and the the hierarchy of the restaurant, even in Minnesota, they were like nah. This isn't great. I ended up like moving. I I just got so afraid I would get them in trouble because I was like my parents find out. This is a dead man. So are you conflating who have power with Horn Enos? I mean I didn't, I think, and it's so funny Like looking back at it, I remember members again all the waiters in wages when they get down with their shaft and they re sitting at the bar and smoking as you can sell, smokin bars where an and they re drinking and I would go home and be like. I can't wait until I'm old enough to do that. My mom would be like do not glamorize that these are like loser. Townies she was
without yeah knows nothing until only arrogance confusing when your mama's enough arcade view, but also a reason why your mama important area totally, and they were, they were all our colleagues right bar got, but I was already in alcohol again in my teenage years, so I was partying and having fun, but I didn't really feel like. I had the ability to relate to people my own age and I had a hard time just with the women or girls. At that time. I guess and and the men s yard I don't think that I was I wasn't like. I was popular, is just a chameleon, so I just move kind of from group to group, but I never really felt okay and my skin and for some reason at that restaurant I, like felt, like, I believe, areas. I felt like those were my people and I just wanted to be
old enough to hang out with them so badly, because I did glamorize what they were doing and. Being in my twenties and being a townie alcoholic wage. Professional waitress was like oh, my god. These, where I am, I have lived up to my dream girl. if I made it yeah. That was the disconnect with his inspiring story. I love. I love a townie story. What was the disconnect you felt with women, your own age? I think there were couple that I had really that I was really close friends with and they're still my friends these days to this day, but I no there it was a small town in this high school. They had all been together since, like kindergarten I came in my sophomore year. I just was it's. It was like. I was an out After that always I was always an outside girl. Looking
and girls at that age are not nice to new girls everyone looking to feel powerful for one way, one reason or the other. Yeah and you know that the way roles in those packing orders and I mean I'm an easy. I gave a lot of I my south and who I was to become party girl and kind of fit in, and it was just easier for me. So I just let left any of this a type, a personality that I owe wise behalf. Find an and said all of that energy and and and alexander- into being like learning- how to do a keg stand and learning. be a stone yeah yeah. How? How did the relationship with our boss pan out like what was I ended up moving you with my dad for my senior year firm,
many many many different reasons, and then it just ended like it just came. Naturally I basically ample them a geographic There are a lot of other things going on and and household and my household and I didn't want to be there anymore, and so I lived with my dad and then I ended up going back to finish my senior year and for a lot of different like it was just. It was Just it was a shit Joe. You are, it seems, like you, but you are. You are grasping at straws in your own way, to find a place where you felt good being in your own skin. Yeah, I'd and feel go to my own skin and I didn't feel gettin my environment either side the environment itself was tat, was as it toxic as a whole I was feeling in my own skin, and I think I just escaped
like I looked for any way to escape that I possibly could whether Thou is drafted in my first three loves were we'd alcohol, a man and thou is leg egg. I got stuck in that cycle for decades, yeah decades and decades in decades and I look at things that I I have like lists from. In my time he's like things I need to quit and it's always like alcohol, we'd man hookah the lovely trifecta I mean it really was my new holy Trinity. That was there anything positive that you got from the relationship what the older manager cause. I feel like you know, obviously like it's not great on paper but and my learned, my first boyfriend was like significantly older than me. Not not like he was, he was a good I learned a lot of actually positive things from him. So did you have positive takeaways from that relationship? I
men are now at this point. I can't it's hard for me to even remember. Things got so crazy after that, like my eye was in rehab two years later occurred things guy. I things got things just that was the beginning of. I would say it wasn't because of anything bad that happened, but I think I was so lost and I was like leading a double life so that a prime to me to be leading. Double life when I started doing hard drugs cases, the life of a non drug use and the life of a drug users, the double well is leading a double life and that I had this relationship with this male raise my older than me, and I telling lying about it constantly and then I think it sag way
I was pretty openly partying. My parents knew that was happening. I would like throw carriers in my basement and so that wasn't so much of a double life but I barely made it out of high school, even though I was like graduate early and he always that it was just things escalate. it's like that. Well that escalated Craig, whereas like putting that Berlin Meme muddling through ass lying on air and little match yeah yeah, and then I I got a job at another restaurant and then that's where the I came in contact with an acquaintance who date raped me
if and when we were out drinking cause. I had a fake id and I was like eighteen or nineteen. It was just like such a. Could you do that? Wait. Did you say twins who they were? What did you say? No, no, it was an acquaintance acquaintance. I was like dude you could you? Could you if you feel horrible with it, go over like what like what happened like where you at a bar? Did you feel something like Did you just wake up to him like why yeah we were at a bar? I was with two waitresses. I work much older than me? I mean they were there illegally legally able to drink and. And I still wasn't, but I had a fake id- we were downtown Minneapolis and, my friend and I both have the last memory like the same exact last, which was we memory in a corner, and I was looking at my pager pagers yeah of how freaky and dated I am, and I was looking at my pager, and that was like the last
I remember, but then I came to and he was on top of me and I was asking him to stop and then blacked out again if I came to again, was crawling around on the floor, trying to call the man the guy, the black guy lost my virginity to even though we hadn't even been talking. He was like the person I wanted to reach out to couldn't find a phone were you and allowed out again? I guess I was puking. I'll. Remember any of that, when you add, has this guy who Dave raped? You were I to advancing to a condo downtown that some areas, somebody's condo, what happens when the view of the same time an yes something happened to my friend too, and then there is a third girl, but she heads buddy took her to go, get like your leg, Europe, what are? They call- hasten sale euros stronger yo. She so he took her and she didn't do screenshots
so he was like. I just want you to get your eyes and then so we were what am I woke up very fuzzy and the thing that sucks about day Raven, why. I understand women who just shut down, don't talk about it. All the all the things go through as that I remember, leaving and being like thanks for having like so gracious, because I didn't remember really. Remember and then, as we were walking out to the am car wherever our car was parked in the parking lot. My friend, who had a boyfriend, had like this massive hickey on her neck, and I was like what I was walking behind her. I was like what is that and she woken up naked and, unlike was very fuzzy, and I remember like DR down that wine and parking lot? it's like. I still remember like I was yesterday sitting in the back like the the blackouts and
and begged the thing coming into focus at one of those kaleidoscopes kind of all of a sudden, come into focus and- and my friend was putting it together too, and then he had the balls to like come in to where we were working a couple of days later or week later, and my friend, God bless her with, like akin balls of steel? Even then, she wrote if you come on a no road until you come. If you come into this restaurant again, I'll cut your fucking dick off yes Sgurr and put it on his on his table and he went to our manager and port it ass. I raised her and she's mean to me now we both were alike Shea gang and because this was kind of like these spot to be, and we were both in this it's soda and we were both like shaking in the service station. Then I remember, I still remember his name that this manager he was fucking amazing. He was like one of the best general manager.
I've ever had in my life anywhere and Teresa Hyaena he's One look at us in trees, a kind of told them what happened and he was like you're not welcome here. He basically told them like the same thing you're banned from here, and then we until I the Apple River and were partying and the way I cobra there was just getting black out drunken hyper promiscuity wily how the common yeah yeah cause you're. Taking rollback
do you describe it as date? Rape, like are you guys, seemed like you were hanging out, but like were you actually on dates? You were just like hanging out with people, you know they we went downtown and these people who are regulars at our restaurant happened to be at this bar downtown and ran into us and they're like let's do shots, so it was kind of just like this, like the vague familiarity as well as why he adds you know when you're waiting tables and there's regular them all the time, and you wait on them and they're like eight, so they were just out and sauce down there and yeah. Then, where did you ever? Was there ever a desire to speak to them or or like like when you woke up in there you didn't know the pieces together. So you never really had words.
am after other than that interaction. No, not the interaction at the restaurant no, and then I just did my best to let and then that's the thing with my mom kind of happened around that time, and I just I didn't talk about it. Ever again until I was in rehab a year later, but you didn't even come up. I was, I think I think I may, I told my mom and my awake black out. I don't know this is another like weird thing: we're You, like you, don't even know the things you told me when you're de taxing and I was like in the emergency room and I'm like that's fucked up each Why won't you tell me- But I know one of those things I think was the fact that I had been drugged and raped Does she homer you like? That? Was your fault,
not really sure I mean at that point, she was so mad at me for being a heroin addict that it kind of superseded all the other things you sell your own spotlight, yeah. Well, so she here and yeah that was that that year was I just wanted to escape. I had a serious boyfriend when I went to college I broke up with him to be with another guy who I got really much more into her drugs with things escalated. Quigley, I was, not long for hard drugs like Harry It was very fast and rough rock bottom can be a really was like I college I lost my apartment. I lost my first job. I ever got fired from us.
We lost a grandparent in there and was like on by probably biggest source of shame was being on heroin at her funeral like they're just there. It was just I remember, being in an airport and trying to my grandmother's funeral and puking, and every you know how they have the like cans of outer space thou it, and I would just like throw up and every single garbage man as I walk buyers. Just screening eleven guys yeah? Well, this episode? is brought to you by Linkedin with linked becoming number one in b to b display advertising in the? U s. You've got a great advantage with their tools. You can and out against your competitors, while nurturing customer relationships and growing your brand. scale, your marketing and grow your business with Linkedin advertising as a thank you to their customers for helping grow three times faster than the competition Linkedin is offering one hundred dollar credit on your next campaign. go to linkedin dot com marketing
There's this amazing author and psychologist, I believe Gabor Matej, who talks about addiction in a never heard anybody talk about it. He said No one ever asked the drug user. What does this drug give you that you don't have otherwise, and it seems like hearing your story, something like Heroin. I've I've heard people describe how amazing it feels and it seems like yeah you, you didn't get the love, you needed of substance, you feel warm and makes you feel loved. Why? Of course, a person is going to get addicted to that fuckin piss maybe I'm projecting here, but when apparent it is you and with these emotionally volatile views that damage a child's psyche and then they I can go on go. Why are you a fuckin drug addicts generally, volume like you, happened and avoid. Yet when parents Spock you up and then blame you for it that are really have a fucking problem, that, then am, I guess, I'm somebody was not currently
We can die there, my parents, because I'm like that yeah yeah, more than even love Heroin gave me a Bolivia and again just ass. It was leg, that's my brain was these kinds of red lining in hand, I think that I gave me the relief and gave me that escape that I was looking for others. there's a vague get me out of this body. Get me out. His brain yeah get me out of this environment. Get me just get me out. I wasn't trying to drink too, even though I drank because it was easier just to like so Julie blend, it wasn't like I was drinking like I am be cool. I was drinking because I wanted to get out of my own brain. Yeah and get. I mean, of course, there's some aspect that I think with weed. I really did want to be like a cool stoner, hum
but I'd. I was always kind of seeking oblivion and with heroin the first time I smoked at it was, which was really it's funny ice I have such in actor needed. This is something I've been looking at. I have so deeply internalized. junkie, pride that because I didn't shoot at it's still like. I wasn't really a heroin addict and I was watching dope, sick and, like people are dying from just doing pills. You know yeah super id, I'm like why don't I they chose a vicarious eighty nine pounds I couldn't breathe like that bronchitis, added that I we were on a van a later are like on a breathing machine, because I had such babblings when I went and they were like you,
we're going to die and I still might, but I wasn't really a junkie. I watched a documentary called dosed and this woman was a functioning heroin addict and I'd never heard of that. And then she went on to say that most heroin addicts are in fact functioning and I'm like no real aspiration. I am in, like I've, been through like the gauze skin skid row or lack of a better word in Philadelphia. It looks like you're on a set the set of the walking dead like it is insane how bad it is in writing and was true until Fanton all came on the scene, and that is not true anymore Venza. You found in Ohio, kill you, unlike job here ya, see up european. So I thank you are you. I mean I knew plenty of junkies who had been around the block for like decades and you're like how the fuck have you been
for like forty year, yeah yeah, no, my ex boyfriends, like that. He did it for quite some time and he also gave explicit instructions to never interrupt anyone that I see on the streets, like obviously like tipped over from heroin, because he's like they're having like that some of their lives and like Legatum, have that they already did it yeah. He has like you're going to waste their money and piss them off and it actually made me feel better about it, but yeah yeah, yeah yeah, oh my god. It's such a bad, opioid and heroin is such a big prevalent problem nah that fucking documentary talked about this a bogey tree, that's to from Central Africa, and the route is a very high end psychedelic and this woman. Ah, you have to take like a Sharma, it's very ritualized and she was able to or her heroin addiction with two weeks with the shopman with the above a route would taking the t ride. It goes through everything that you went through with
Oh withdrawals, methadone is, is handed out to heroin addicts like candy and it's like, but that's also so hard to get over the withdrawals him for methadone, are so terrorizing that people like, I guess, be a methadone forever, but it's like it doesn't have to fucking be way. Yeah we were talking about, and the last spike has that we did in grey matter being pregnant, and I didn't want it methadone because I just I had been in a week long rehab and seen everybody doing the methadone- and I was like this doesn't seem like a great scene. myself in rehab to be fair, I was the one that I was like, a die. I had that kind of moment of awakening because you probably somewhat. I would say somewhat I used I would. I went back and started doing drugs and alcohol and and like
As long as I didn't do heroin. I was like I'm good so right by that I kind of hung onto for way too long, but I when I mean I remember too, I've been like. I can't believe I journaled I mean talk about. Like being a writer. I was like journaling while I was kicking heroin, and it was that I I really felt like my brain cells dying when I that's. Why you're not supposed to a draw like that, it's so bad for you, dangerous okay, yeah cause are allowed your body manager where drugs, because it's bad for your brain and interest to draw just cold turkey, like that. How did you come
also information that you lose grey matter when you're pregnant, because I e I haven't. I didn't hurt her that, before on the kind of obsessed with pregnancy and more like how it hinders, wishes, fuck us as well. That is not a bad thing actually outside I make it sound like it's a bad thing, but its marges need doing a bed, but they you'd, they ve found its and they did a couple please I think back in like two thousand and sixteen either. I can send you the links if you, Google, like gray matter in pregnant women, because of course he didn't fucking study, any the female brains until like that twenty tens, what was going on your arguments e? They studied the fetal brain, but they have no idea. What's going on at the woman right and it looks like what happens. Is its adjustment has more efficient, so you stop being able to kind of red social cues its somewhat counter intuitive, because you would think that this would be bad for attaching to a baby.
actually, so you can focus all of your attachment on the baby, more so you're less gathering a fuck about people around you like you to me. It read. Leg was not a gentleman gilding higher of that directive, the confidence woman have mixed with I'm just so I'm just so impressed when a woman gets. when I see a brain, a woman like you're, a goddess like that you're making a purse. I think it's the course the world will hear how her nose yeah Ziegler bungling. Oh it's have that, like one of their most famous comedy songs is pregnant. Women are smog, I think, but their reading there reading this, like loss of a grain grey matter and no yeah zero fucks given like you said, I never really thought of it in that way. Yes, that was interesting, and I think you become an e, more or less.
in some ways you become more heightened up like that. Mama bear instinct, so you're more aware of danger and perhaps more anxious by your also more fearless and a lot of different ways, and it's been such a like it's it's weird to go from like it's. This is in such an interesting conversation to have with you guys because to go back to these early days, and then I mean I'd twenties were. I got married to a bell. Russia, and I was out waking moment alcohol, a glee Belarussian he's right. It's about he's I've from Ruth all and we were both just in fall on just by the it was like a riot. We were just townie townies in a in a resort town. Drinking and doing lots of blow and how really you your life has had many chapters like. Oh man,
chat hours. I call those the dark years well, but, like I love, I love that you ve had all of these experiences and now what we were saying at the top about your partner. Now that the person you having a baby with how can you describe him? What were in your relationship? While we met a recovery, witches leg on other thing that I never would have thought when I first got sober sober and twenty thirteen, and by sober sober I mean I quit alcohol, weed everything I gave up, I put myself on male restriction, which they did to me as we have as well, where real ones that may arise
and even talk to man. Other my brother or my dad is not in my first report, says like evaluations and me, sir. I don't pull me when I got caught lie in going to my other, my boyfriend's, rehab and sleeping with them. So they put me on milk surgeon and they were. They were right to do that, but there are right so yeah then that's a have in common with somebody. I just told myself I was going to be single forever. You know I really and then I started pursuing a creative path, whatever the fuck that looked like When I was like nineteen, I got out of rehab. I didn't really know what I wanted to do. There's a really fucked up that I never tell publicly. But let's just say something else: fucked up happened on the heels of rehab and it sent me
down another kind of dark to another dark place, tins yeah it's so out of our way. Sometimes I feel like sometimes I feel like such a Fridays people we like. While you share so much and the thing that fact me of the most. I don't share it with your ag. So many other people s just like, Not files like other people are involved in it wouldn't be mad, forges yeah, there's linked by it. Would I think I I think before I think I've become more aware of like that oh what I share effects. If you pull my public hearings, I'm also had to go through a transition phase of like hey. You know there needs to be taxed with what you talk about. You can just like blurred everything out, but also to like, sometimes keeping something to yourself, not
only you're, the only human being the knows about an hour now, keeping it out of the public. A pod casting space is a very wise decision. I mean yeah. I mean I spent decades on this with with my fair breast and why but it led me on this path of kind of becoming there, data and I wouldn't realize I wonder, become a writer and a performer move to way right out of rehab and then I was kind of all over the place move back east. I was back east and those are the dark years got really I gave up. I myself again, I mean the number of rock that's the kind of memoirs, or not memoirs but ass. I M writing. As there is no bottom because I kept just, I would a bottom think that was like the bottom and then a find a whole new idea and It was many years of that, and I how manage TED had there it twenty so alive, which is shocking and well
my thirties, I was still- I travel around the world for two years. I move back to l when I was like twenty seven after being back east and I ended up finally getting It came back from traveling around the world and I finally ended up really Heading an emotional rock bottom and, being like I've gotta quit drinking smoking. I just know I know I have to I'm lucky to be alive and I'm. I should just knock this stuff. not intending to credit for ever. I like, I just need a key, clear out or whatever I sure, ends there and I went to actual twelve sab, which I had sworn off of when it rehab, like nineteen twenty years old, but I went back and something just stuck fuck and I'd done this experimental year of sobriety when I was thirty before I traveled and then I as something in there got in my brain that worked and when I came
I was like I felt pretty garden in that year that I were somewhere, so maybe I'll just go back and hear some like inspirational speakers, big meeting in Brown what or whatever and I went and I just kept going and then the years started. Adding up and my relationships got better and I started paid to write for the first time, and all of these things I mean it was like there was so much tangible evidence that this stuff was getting in my way it was so it was implied. The boy for me not to let go. I was happening in my life and be like ok and I was so curious. about what my life would look like without that stuff, because I started king in using when I was like twelve, so I had y all. I couldn't just base I live and not doing something. I need something more channel to hang onto and for me it was just a curiosity of like what is ten year? What is five?
veers viewer. What does that look like for? For me? I can conceive of liking anything, but In a year and. So now that that was in twenty thirteen- and I met my husband Darren and twenty like the end of twenty Nineteen beginning of twenty eighteen is when we started dating it was mine's actually two thousand and eighteen on our first date. And He was pretty now. He was like ninety days, sober which is big. No now Yasser Tsar say this is: who is where they weren't you? What's a no? No, you can't date and as our data when you're in early sobriety, like while particularly I had for years and ending I get a day, so he adds called third stepping so it's like, I would be the predator and this in a sense, because I have more time and he's a new car. Gordon Quota and so a generally as the
verse were like men prey on new women who come into that's, why it's really frowned upon, and it's bad, but I could never get good with the fact that he was new. I felt like I was taking time away from him. I felt like I hear going to make me has you know or power, which is something it's very common in those when he heard a lot of times to New a will get together and then their relationship will become like the new drug, and so we ended up re breaking up after like five months, and he, myself into a montage sequence movies? I guess, and I broke his heart badly. I still don't don't realize like. I still feel bad what about how badly I heard him. Even though he's like you, you needed, you did the right thing yeah, I would cry. I cried every week and I'm like. I can't get good with this. I just can't
Ok with that, and I'm always going to wonder if I did him a disservice by taking this time, I had that year to be like, go with then be sober, crazy beyond after ball be alone and alone with all my shed and he ended up. We saw each other like fifteen months later and September of twenty nineteen In the end he was like, in person. He was so not different. He was still the loving vulnerable. send that I fell in love with the first time around, but is much more confident. He was much more much less like clingy here, much more grounded and awesome yeah. He It's like. I needed that time why he went back to school and got his alum aft. He and he grew beer,
He looks fucking hot. He was out the whole story, though cause I we are. We say on the podcast and I like oranges, said it when we were recording an introvert next week is a wave. to be, it will happen and that's exactly the case with you guys. And I told him this thinking. I was just full of shit like I was of trade, no mean kind of his. He was like. No, this is meant to be an I'd, been an enough really dysfunctional lusty relationships where you're like this is the one and it was just crazy and toxic and it was not, and then I said is associating that kind of instantaneous love with insanity, because I was like all of the men who fall in love with me immediately are mentally ill and I should be wary of this and it's never really like I even in it. I put myself in an impossible position because I won at that instant love, because I dating thing for me. It's I have so many trust MIKE. People do this
How do they navigate this? Like awkward passage, I want That, like I love you, but if I put myself in a position where it was like, oh, but this means we're both mentally ill or it's toxic. So he and definitely had add immediately and then, when I was also at a different place. In my career than I was fifteen months later. I was really starting to get more track. as writers, writer, the podcast, like things were moving, and I had really told myself for many years while I was just out I dating like, with weaponized sexuality and dating really unavailable men for reasons that were all across the board like the reasons you date unavailable: men, lower self esteem, but also just I it's like my therapist said she's like,
You were the one who was unavailable because I was such I became just such a workaholic and I told myself I couldn't have a career and a loving relationship. I was like I'm just going to need. It was a lie. I told myself like many lies I told myself over the years and he kind of was be like I don't really necessarily by that, but it was the first time we dated and then we got back together. I was in a different place. Things were a more settled and now. We have a good eye. Yeah, I felt confident like I could. I could be add a relationship to whatever else is going and I didn't necessarily feel that way at moment. I needed to give it my all and we ended up on. We were going to two, hence its fine. I didn't you ve media and we're gonna go to your colleagues, which is like a sober over comedians do comedy for,
I'll leg people in Recovery Bay. I never a bag shout out here, awesome and going to go to alcoholics, it like I don't want to go. Watch a bunch, fucking comedians and I would rather be up there than watching them and it sounds fine. It was just his way of being like hey. Let's go do something after we got coffee after that. Fifteen months and then we went for a drive and went up to Malibu and got dinner and never were apart again, oh yeah, and so it's like assault left very soul. Matey story can say I gave him this coin he's like you, gave me this coin and then he with me, I read my husband is a wizard, I'm not lying. This man is like a fucking. I think it's from playing dungeons and dragons sounds like a really powerful manifest hurt. But I was like oh my god. I was on your vision board like this is messed up or it's because I gave him this coin and said. True,
wait. I think I believe it if the time, but I was also like good goodbye aspect, father and he kept dead and we got here just like I don't know, and we talked about building a life, the other retiring. Yet more, shall he lay a chasm like pregnant. Ours is crazy. and you did. You'd pay damages yeah as you all know, the facts I bought Irish is full of shit like this is, would so hard about being full of shit, for my whole life and knowing myself from being loss. Is that never knew what was like. True or false. And saying I'm full of shit- is, as is the wall. That's part of the wall,
is your personal was like. I was full of shit all the time. I should like to add a few just today. Whatever the fuck, the leg, you where you get buyer, get what I want, and I wonder if I am resolved yeah and ended up here. like God and and the like them. Noise trees are always booming. We got back together, he have like a tattoo of like two magna, as in all at all, like magnolia Bud, and he is like I had to leg, let you go, and this is my way of being like this- was something that I like I learned from and that I took from cause. He really had to let me go, but he used to have and he would he here like really into meditation. He got into his way of kind of he's very disciplined, of discipline in ways that I am not and he was
Jayden every morning, and he would have these visions like he couldn't get rid of it it visualization and it wasn't like he was conjuring it was coming. He was walking in to a and giving me and a baby girl like I, baby girl and he was bringing us coffee and he it's like. I couldn't get it out of my head. It was like driving me insane. I had to like stop meditating, oh wow. I know it's crazy, doing the dishes at my house when we got back together and he had this and like on his back of his arm. I had noticed behind the magnolia. It said true, love waits on like how the fuck did. You know Did you know? I don't? I was just so it is really. It was one of the things in life. something in life. There was like you just oh now, and then I got pregnant right away and it was top egg, and so
I was like really hard to go through immediately, but then we got engaged after that because it brought us so close like the way he was in the hospital when I had to go to the hospital for it and seeing how he showed up, and I was still so like a much of a hard self reliant to a alt shell around me, I was like I'm good I'll go into the room by myself. He's like what is wrong with you yeah. Let me love you not going into the e r room by yourself bridge like what is wrong with you, and I was like I've got this I'm resilient already. Bravo yeah! Well, yeah! You yeah it's easy to confuse like weakness with independence with you, yeah just so hard to. Let somebody take care of me in that way at all, and my therapist is always like. He is truly like one of the first PR people whose and brought you like unconditional love and has has taught,
so much about intimacy and vulnerability that I am still just baffled by it and then so the topic, and then they told us that we couldn't. We had to wait six Could they they give you a shot of Methotrexate to deal with that now if they catch it early enough, which is like chemo, so you can't try and have kids It really started the conversation like do you want this and then of six months for man it was frickin MA. Your point, twenty so world shot down. and then I went in June twenty one and they said I was a man upon us and so then The end of that dream and we were like totally and acceptance were like we're good, we went home, so my family members of their kids were like this is fine travel, will be those cool answer on goals and the hall friggin time we're having a conversation on the beach. I was pregnant without saying a credible. I dont know
anything guys, what a beautiful life actually think. You know a lot more than most how how could they miss reader? I mean we're, so we do they. Just lakes read something as men. That was an ordered union iron lettering. I mean to be fair, it's weird because I dont know what happens like. I don't get my period for three months after I got the vaccine, I'm not Andy racks. Oh no, I my periods, were God awful, Everson Lingo. As you know, I've heard this from so many women that they had stopped. It's been missed, it's been a bad women have come out of matter, posits lake, which, when did you guys Christ the gene J, the fucking long guys, I probably know I got the Johnson and Johnson and literally every single period up until maybe this month is the first normal normal ish period. I was done. Rita, I would have to I mean a Coreham vomiting, the anger and the Zaire and the absolute rage I experience was sick. or to when I was on the birth control pill
now me up so bad. I felt like I was going into psychosis They may cause your age aid back, seen, miracle that, while I took my like the four year before yeah you're, not gonna get I want to be more while you can, you know they were called. They were no one ever called it from blood clots. We they had. I been thought it if Rattler Georgia and now is back, I got it after they got a bag, think they ve stopped producing at the engines and is allegedly chat notoriously they ve had somebody lawsuits over their vote, my mom being yet my mom got those medical mesh, and then it came out that it was ruining. Women's organs was sticking to your organs. My mother can even get a fucking, perhaps mere because she's in so much pain, because Johnson and Johnson's woman is implanted in her bladder and if they take it out and why so? Yes, we ended up. I don't know why my love, my levels might have. That might have been true, but then I have no idea. It's like wild and then yeah so
I mean I can make you laugh. I have like men a pocket I would like to go back this shit. I get I sat by, whereas even our super early I'm for I was forty two that's early. I go in a manner by ourselves and I'm so surprised when you said that ok It sometimes Perry Menopause women, environment apposite than thirty's very ladders, so it's been like pretty wild right now, I'll call you when I get it spend just like tat. managing anxiety around cause. I think I am not used to letting my like want anything like, I want a meet her. I was going to holy shit. I'm wow, I'm very inspired by you been it's it's been you ve been added, I thought and render. Since you were a little and you are able to fight yourself. One thing that seems very consistent throughout your stories. Like you are very no matter.
Shit. You thought you were full of how addicted to any given drug. At that time, you you, you were. You were still like pretty steadfast with your own recover, like you were leading that charge yeah. I think that that I have been really confronting like the lies that hard thing you know that's like and and recovery is confronting, like the lies you tell yourself and that you cling to one of the lies I told myself is that I didn't want kids. I was actually going to attach that, because I didn't want to. I would put a button on this podcast with that conversation that we were having on yours about when you have this experience being on being on a show where people women are less happy because they're not having children So what was your arrogance and what Blake? What show was thus o air is a great
conversation cuz it wasn't, a man should be really wants, but I think that I think a lot of nuance gets lost around that conversation around modern feminism and maybe be over correct I bet perhaps a male perspective, but I'm like Yo women didn't have a choice. We were property. This was. This was not something that you ever got to choose and you are essentially a slave to you're, your biology, forever and even women. Die in childbirth like it's just insane, in writing. In my birth class leg,. Where the more I learn about child, birth and labour. In all events like women urges fucking bad ass. We ve carried this this whole species on back in an hour wombs, and it is just amazing to me how, strong are like really truly a deep, crazy way. Straw and maybe not, you know like able to lift,
whereby that sought at that age, francs overrated. Here, it's just crazy to me down like how am I getting a baby out of here. I had you not a happy ending it doesn't make sense to me, but I think I I don't we were like ice and my husband and I were in total, we are late bloomers. I was forty two. He was forty six and when you're having that conversation, so we were totally in acceptance and I was happy with that. You know MIKE. If we want to adopt in like five years we didn't try. I don't feel like. I don't feel like you I have to be a mother to be like a fully formed woman. You know, I think, though, of course not yet there's a lot of pressure. I I I have tapped into some some secret, scientists of being a woman that you enter when you become pregnant and are like. I just was so so
the absorbed and whenever women? I wasn't one of those people as a women was like what a goddess. Oh my god, I want to touch her belly or I know, but I just was really I just. I think that I, think about it. Like all my siblings and my sisters in law, all the people in my life who have had kids where they'd talk about it and I would just like zone out and not listen, not be interested. I was like, oh god, this is like four can talk about them by wine sector. In that space. I was like. Why didn't I fucking listen? Why didn't I listen to what happened to them in the first. Try master what happened to them when they gave birth like? Why didn't I pay attention to this stuff, because I I just I was, I didn't think it was- me and I didn't really want kids until I met Jaren, I didn't want a child for just having a child sake. I wanted a family and,
at the time. I met him. It was a bit late and today, just today I was writing about how I wished my dad sat me down. Thirty seven had a conversation with me about freezing my eggs, which I did not take seriously and I had been wearing ninety comedy bit about how that anyways and how like, isn't that like freezing a chicken after it's the fridge for eight days like. Are you really going to isn't it the art already past- the sell by date Yet all chicken metaphor work done on the bed and going well, I usually just get petty size, which is the worst. I look back, now to make it wasn't too it yeah, because I ve learned about fertility is that you do have eggs your fertile and yet that ship falls off a cliff. That's not guaranteed yoga.
I have a baby if you do harvest egg, it's like an insurance policy, but at least there would have been an option when I met Sharon which, by the way I never thought I was going to my dad's like some day, you might meet a great guy. I was like that's the best joke I've ever I didn't know, I just didn't know and I wish. Somebody had sat me down a man like a woman particularly and said you and cause people. Said that to me my whole life when I was like, I don't want kids and a thirty seven. I still felt that way and I was like yeah. I still my kids and you guys have been saying that I'm going to change my mind for like ever and I hate anyway. That you're like gonna, tell me that I'm like you, don't say that to somebody who has kids is Aig going to change bad bad enough that german alone a murder them one day, and you might. yeah
hard to like? How can you, a child when you you're, not even you haven't, got like you, don't have a partner who are with the other way for the horse, which we do all the time it's hard to conceive of, but I do think that I wished. I think there was a point right after my I when and then I found out. I was a man upon leg. Maybe I should have lessen my dad cause, at least so I would have had an opportunity and I and by the way, to have the resources. So it's not exactly like it's pretty costs prohibitive, like John Salaries, giants of at least one thousand irish yeah yeah it's crazy and then they won't even cover. I was being told right before we recorded like sometimes they won't every. They cover it after a certain age, after, like forty four, they won't cover the like. Alright yeah cause
The chances are so it's not a good environment is likely. I know I don't know it. So it's like a whole interesting thing, but I don't I own an I got me. You know, here now and I'm still very I've been very like superstitious and trying trying to balance my expectation. And not be disappointed and the and also be allow me to be excited and I can sell mine fact. The whole thing is mine, fuck and thank you for like that it's been through a and you you are your kids very lucky your daughter very lay merely can ever find you're good at noon of your good. My yeah yeah you have more inspiring lighter than most people have go through their whole entire lives, with, without the knowledge that you ve gathered in painful ways, but that's the knowledge that sticks and that's what gets you closer to yourself,
and that's a great therapist always reminds me about her. Her name will be Matilda, which means mighty in battle just so. I love that you're equipping her like you're being born into quite a world that she's always like it's bigger than you, and I have to just remember that, like it, it's that's the hardest. Is surrendering to these. I would just say: be it like people first got somewhere like you aren't. You know who you are you're, even though you wine and an eye, I really think, being open to not just not holding solved slave to that narrative that I'd been Tal really ingrained, is like the best thing I dead and spiritual, they you so much for sharing your life and
where's that you feel back with us. We really appreciate tank ear for having me very little rambling. No, no! No! This is a very memorable interview for for me. In particular, these it's gone. It's beautiful. The where's story has unfolded, that's really exciting. So while they never would have known now everything you never know what s going Rio edge should give people. So my child, Cairo, I've! U S! Legged! Thirty! Seven! I could not have seen this yeah, that's incredible, Agora and, unlike holy shit, it's also a nice reminder. I think so often were taught us women that, like you know, life sorts closing up or slowing down when they vote like it's. Just not it's not shrill and our people will just to wait and see, and you have you have this- I don't know I forget what store or cells that prince behind you of a bridge or of a rope, red and it's like into it. The perspective is like wherever you're standing now looking at the prince is like you ve come such a long way. So it's like you're that tree back there in the desert, like the old version of you, is on the other side of it
and now like you are you get to bask in the the life you've created for yourself. The life that you've earned that you've worked for I try and do that people find you online. What would everywhere. You can find me adversity com, I have a little subscriber community and then walking welcome as my pied guest, which you guys have but on an army is in and my the show on Youtube called Dumpster fire, and that say thank pretty much of our research. back when writing about a lot of this stuff off my Jerry, mommy blog. I love that. Thank you so much. This has been
as we fought the anti slut, shaming podcasts. We will talk to you next Friday, guys we fucked is presented by luminary, created and hosted by Corinne Fisher and Kristina Hutchinson, editing and music coordination by my costs for Ali theme, song by Rob, Patterson and Jake Cosan suck my wet as pussy, but Christina said that got that before. But now then, let's keep it. Who cares the.
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Transcript generated on 2022-03-28.